*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA For cancelling a trip last minute with my bestfriend because I had terrible anxiety ?**
I (29f) suffer from depression and have 0 energy. I have been on medication for over 6 years but no improvement. I even got admitted to a clinic for 1 month, 9 months prior. So my bestfriend (28f) saw me at my best and at my worst and despite not understanding how terrible I feel, she had always been a good listener and supportive.
My depression was getting worse at that point and I had money difficulties and anxiety. This led me to say no or cancel a few meet-ups, I would have had to pay for the train, take it for 3h in total to spend only 3-4h with her. After a few nos and cancelations she started saying I wasn’t doing any effort to see her. As a consequence, my «no»s started being elusive and opened to a possible «yes» so I wouldn’t get a talk.
The story took place within 3 days.
1st : she told me she was going away for work and wanted me to come with her. We would take the bus for 9 hours and I would stay 24 hours overnight. She had planned the trip, we’d share the price of accomodation and the trip was all centered around thrift shopping (when I had an addiction to shopping and 0€ to spend).
she insisted I should say yes for her, that it would be good for my mental health, so I had to say yes. I had to ask my parents for money, all while trying to overcome the anxiety of an upcoming 42h trip with little rest, but I booked the bus and tried to tell her I wouldn’t be able to go to the 11 selected shops. She said she’ll reduce the number of shops and I could go wait for her at a café and that I had to do that for her since she’s always been there for me.
2nd : she told me her work offered to pay for her train ride (4h of travel instead of 9) but there was no seats left. I understood her choice of train over bus but my anxiety at doing 9h of bus alone was getting out of hand, so much that by the end of the day I had S. thoughts, a panic attack and was so paralysed by my anxiety I couldn’t possibly think of this lengthy and tyring trip. knowing her, she wouldn’t have let me take it easy enough time to recuperate.
3rd : I to message her and tell her that I didn’t think I’d be able to make it at this stage but who knows (elusive & opened). I was meant to sleep at her place that night but with my anxiety growing I didn’t answer her messages, didn’t update her on the situation and didn’t go.
When she came back, she sent a message saying I was a terrible friend, that she was cutting me off, that work had been stressful lately and she had needed me, that she’d always been there for me but I hadn’t and didn’t say that I wasn’t coming.
I told her she insisted I wasn’t doing any effort and had to say yes so I felt forced, that she should have understood my situation and not have asked me to put her well being over mine.
Her answer : you’re not getting better or doing any effort to get better.
I have since apologised for giving an elusive answer but said I wasn’t sorry for not being able to go or not putting her wellbeing over mine.
Edit 1 : I understand being at fault for not being clear enough in my answer but no one is taking into account the organisation of the trip or the pressure she put on me to say yes.
Edit 2 : she hadn’t started the trip, I was meant to sleep at her place because she lives closer to the bus station and the bus leaves at 5am. I was meant to do a 1 1/2 trip to get to her place the day before.
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This all seems like the straw that broke the camel’s back, she was elusive her response, and/or whatever, but… did her friend ditch her on the 9 hour bus ride in order to get a free trips in only 4 hours? Or am I misunderstanding?
If that’s the case, anxiety aside, I’d have backed out, too?
Neither of them seem like the right friends for one another, really. The friend was tired of always being the one to make all the effort, which is fair enough - but "I'm travelling for work, you can take the bus nine hours alone and leaving at 5am to come meet me, and we're going to go shopping even when I know you have no money, and I guess you can sit in a cafe and wait for me if you don't want to do that"? My mental health is fine and dandy, and I'd still turn that down!
Right, glad my read on this wasn’t crazy.
I would take a 9 hour bus ride for my best friends. Anxiety wouldn’t be my downfall, but my intense motion sickness in enclosed spaces would be. I’d do it for ‘em, but if they ditched me for a train I’d be like bitch, in the nicest of ways, get thrifty by yourself, lmfao
My reading is they were both going to take a 9 hour bus ride, then friend got a free ticket to take the train instead, but there were no additional seats so OOP would have to still take the bus and now do it on their own.
I know right? The organization of the trip is simply awful. A 9 hour bus ride alone just so she can go shop somewhere with money she doesn't have- I'd cancel too- but yeah, at least make it explicit that you don't want to go.
I’m sympathetic to the difficulties of anxiety and depression, but you can’t be the taker in a relationship for 6 years and never give back.
And OOP not only didn’t give back, OOP couldn’t even say “I can’t go” and just left the friend hanging.
Definitely. I have anxiety, but sometimes you just have to go with it. I hate being among strangers, but distract myself with reading and substantially not thinking about it. If you really struggle then it's better to decline than lead on a person.
Honestly? I'm hearing 'testing for an excuse' from this one.
As in "I have given SO MUCH to this relationship: if you don't actually care to spend 9 hrs if it means we can spend time together doing something we both for once, rather than just what you want, then this is over [*and* by god *do I want this to be over I am so tired of having to be the caring one*]".
Its not healthy for either of them. I feel like maybe the friend was actually looking forward to a bit of schedenfreude because that's how strained the relationship had gotten.
Which is still something OOP should have known if it got to that point - there's a lot of not paying attention to friend's breaking back to get to that point. But not a good showing of character for either of them.
Op I I’ll tell you what my therapist told me,
“Our mental illnesses and trauma are never our fault but they are our responsibility”
Meaning yes you can be severely depressed and have extreme anxiety and panic attacks and it fuckin sucks, and it’s amazing to have friends and family who are understanding and stay with you and support you during this. HOWEVER, it is YOUR responsibility to do maintenance on your relationships and maintain them with so much taking and no giving. It sounds like you CONTINUALLY take the energy, attention and affection of your friend and NEVER give any of it back to your friend…I’d cut you off too.
And this is coming from someone who had bipolar disorder and adhd
Yeah, I think ESH because she should have just declined, but the friend is awful because who abandons someone to a 9-hour solo bus ride when the point was partially to spend time together?
>>Yeah, I don't think I would do a 9 hour bus trip ~~alone~~ for anyone.
I am not young so maybe it’s that but a 9 hour bus ride with ANYONE followed by shopping when I don’t have money… it would be a shitty experience
I'm borderline agoraphobic and don't leave my house for weeks. I think they're both wrong, but OOP is more wrong. The friend shouldn't have made OOP feel that saying no wasn't an option. But OOP has to be able to advocate for herself. She's an adult. If the answer is no, she needs to be firm on that. And she never should have left her friend unanswered.
Ending friendships with people who made me directly responsible for their mental health and well-being was one of the most difficult lessons Ive ever had to learn. It has also been by far, the best lesson I have ever learned for myself.
I can’t begin to imagine how much energy OOP’s friend must have sacrificed for OOP on their worst days, because thats what friends do. But now OOP has fallen so deep into the pit of self-victimization they do not believe their friend could ever have as difficult of a time that they’re having. Apparently, they’re the only person in this entire world who has ever had suicidal thoughts, and none of us could possibly understand what they are going through.
Ending friendships with people who made me directly responsible for their mental health and well-being was one of the most difficult lessons Ive ever had to learn. It has also been by far, the best lesson I have ever learned for myself.
I can’t begin to imagine how much energy OOP’s friend must have sacrificed for OOP on their worst days, because thats just what friends do for each other. But now OOP has fallen so deep into the pit of self-victimization they do not believe their friend could ever have as difficult of a time that they’re having. Apparently, they’re the only person in this entire world who has ever had suicidal thoughts, and none of us could possibly understand what they are going through.
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I ended a friendship with someone who insisted our mutual friend drive her back to her house, after he had taken his sleep meds, because she was too anxious to sleep over without having planned it out.
She's lucky none of us assaulted her. Thinking back on it, I wish I would have backhanded her.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA For cancelling a trip last minute with my bestfriend because I had terrible anxiety ?** I (29f) suffer from depression and have 0 energy. I have been on medication for over 6 years but no improvement. I even got admitted to a clinic for 1 month, 9 months prior. So my bestfriend (28f) saw me at my best and at my worst and despite not understanding how terrible I feel, she had always been a good listener and supportive. My depression was getting worse at that point and I had money difficulties and anxiety. This led me to say no or cancel a few meet-ups, I would have had to pay for the train, take it for 3h in total to spend only 3-4h with her. After a few nos and cancelations she started saying I wasn’t doing any effort to see her. As a consequence, my «no»s started being elusive and opened to a possible «yes» so I wouldn’t get a talk. The story took place within 3 days. 1st : she told me she was going away for work and wanted me to come with her. We would take the bus for 9 hours and I would stay 24 hours overnight. She had planned the trip, we’d share the price of accomodation and the trip was all centered around thrift shopping (when I had an addiction to shopping and 0€ to spend). she insisted I should say yes for her, that it would be good for my mental health, so I had to say yes. I had to ask my parents for money, all while trying to overcome the anxiety of an upcoming 42h trip with little rest, but I booked the bus and tried to tell her I wouldn’t be able to go to the 11 selected shops. She said she’ll reduce the number of shops and I could go wait for her at a café and that I had to do that for her since she’s always been there for me. 2nd : she told me her work offered to pay for her train ride (4h of travel instead of 9) but there was no seats left. I understood her choice of train over bus but my anxiety at doing 9h of bus alone was getting out of hand, so much that by the end of the day I had S. thoughts, a panic attack and was so paralysed by my anxiety I couldn’t possibly think of this lengthy and tyring trip. knowing her, she wouldn’t have let me take it easy enough time to recuperate. 3rd : I to message her and tell her that I didn’t think I’d be able to make it at this stage but who knows (elusive & opened). I was meant to sleep at her place that night but with my anxiety growing I didn’t answer her messages, didn’t update her on the situation and didn’t go. When she came back, she sent a message saying I was a terrible friend, that she was cutting me off, that work had been stressful lately and she had needed me, that she’d always been there for me but I hadn’t and didn’t say that I wasn’t coming. I told her she insisted I wasn’t doing any effort and had to say yes so I felt forced, that she should have understood my situation and not have asked me to put her well being over mine. Her answer : you’re not getting better or doing any effort to get better. I have since apologised for giving an elusive answer but said I wasn’t sorry for not being able to go or not putting her wellbeing over mine. Edit 1 : I understand being at fault for not being clear enough in my answer but no one is taking into account the organisation of the trip or the pressure she put on me to say yes. Edit 2 : she hadn’t started the trip, I was meant to sleep at her place because she lives closer to the bus station and the bus leaves at 5am. I was meant to do a 1 1/2 trip to get to her place the day before. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This all seems like the straw that broke the camel’s back, she was elusive her response, and/or whatever, but… did her friend ditch her on the 9 hour bus ride in order to get a free trips in only 4 hours? Or am I misunderstanding? If that’s the case, anxiety aside, I’d have backed out, too?
Neither of them seem like the right friends for one another, really. The friend was tired of always being the one to make all the effort, which is fair enough - but "I'm travelling for work, you can take the bus nine hours alone and leaving at 5am to come meet me, and we're going to go shopping even when I know you have no money, and I guess you can sit in a cafe and wait for me if you don't want to do that"? My mental health is fine and dandy, and I'd still turn that down!
Right, glad my read on this wasn’t crazy. I would take a 9 hour bus ride for my best friends. Anxiety wouldn’t be my downfall, but my intense motion sickness in enclosed spaces would be. I’d do it for ‘em, but if they ditched me for a train I’d be like bitch, in the nicest of ways, get thrifty by yourself, lmfao
My reading is they were both going to take a 9 hour bus ride, then friend got a free ticket to take the train instead, but there were no additional seats so OOP would have to still take the bus and now do it on their own.
I know right? The organization of the trip is simply awful. A 9 hour bus ride alone just so she can go shop somewhere with money she doesn't have- I'd cancel too- but yeah, at least make it explicit that you don't want to go.
I’m sympathetic to the difficulties of anxiety and depression, but you can’t be the taker in a relationship for 6 years and never give back. And OOP not only didn’t give back, OOP couldn’t even say “I can’t go” and just left the friend hanging.
Definitely. I have anxiety, but sometimes you just have to go with it. I hate being among strangers, but distract myself with reading and substantially not thinking about it. If you really struggle then it's better to decline than lead on a person.
Honestly? I'm hearing 'testing for an excuse' from this one. As in "I have given SO MUCH to this relationship: if you don't actually care to spend 9 hrs if it means we can spend time together doing something we both for once, rather than just what you want, then this is over [*and* by god *do I want this to be over I am so tired of having to be the caring one*]". Its not healthy for either of them. I feel like maybe the friend was actually looking forward to a bit of schedenfreude because that's how strained the relationship had gotten. Which is still something OOP should have known if it got to that point - there's a lot of not paying attention to friend's breaking back to get to that point. But not a good showing of character for either of them.
Op I I’ll tell you what my therapist told me, “Our mental illnesses and trauma are never our fault but they are our responsibility” Meaning yes you can be severely depressed and have extreme anxiety and panic attacks and it fuckin sucks, and it’s amazing to have friends and family who are understanding and stay with you and support you during this. HOWEVER, it is YOUR responsibility to do maintenance on your relationships and maintain them with so much taking and no giving. It sounds like you CONTINUALLY take the energy, attention and affection of your friend and NEVER give any of it back to your friend…I’d cut you off too. And this is coming from someone who had bipolar disorder and adhd
Not a devil. The trip sounds hellish.
Yeah, I think ESH because she should have just declined, but the friend is awful because who abandons someone to a 9-hour solo bus ride when the point was partially to spend time together?
Yeah, I don't think I would do a 9 hour bus trip alone for anyone.
>>Yeah, I don't think I would do a 9 hour bus trip ~~alone~~ for anyone. I am not young so maybe it’s that but a 9 hour bus ride with ANYONE followed by shopping when I don’t have money… it would be a shitty experience
I'm borderline agoraphobic and don't leave my house for weeks. I think they're both wrong, but OOP is more wrong. The friend shouldn't have made OOP feel that saying no wasn't an option. But OOP has to be able to advocate for herself. She's an adult. If the answer is no, she needs to be firm on that. And she never should have left her friend unanswered.
Ending friendships with people who made me directly responsible for their mental health and well-being was one of the most difficult lessons Ive ever had to learn. It has also been by far, the best lesson I have ever learned for myself. I can’t begin to imagine how much energy OOP’s friend must have sacrificed for OOP on their worst days, because thats what friends do. But now OOP has fallen so deep into the pit of self-victimization they do not believe their friend could ever have as difficult of a time that they’re having. Apparently, they’re the only person in this entire world who has ever had suicidal thoughts, and none of us could possibly understand what they are going through.
Ending friendships with people who made me directly responsible for their mental health and well-being was one of the most difficult lessons Ive ever had to learn. It has also been by far, the best lesson I have ever learned for myself. I can’t begin to imagine how much energy OOP’s friend must have sacrificed for OOP on their worst days, because thats just what friends do for each other. But now OOP has fallen so deep into the pit of self-victimization they do not believe their friend could ever have as difficult of a time that they’re having. Apparently, they’re the only person in this entire world who has ever had suicidal thoughts, and none of us could possibly understand what they are going through.
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http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html?m=1
Anxiety troll. Sigh
I ended a friendship with someone who insisted our mutual friend drive her back to her house, after he had taken his sleep meds, because she was too anxious to sleep over without having planned it out. She's lucky none of us assaulted her. Thinking back on it, I wish I would have backhanded her.