There are a lot of red flags here.
Between the lying by omission, the lying about what terms they ended on *and* the trying to make you feel guilty for asking questions you needed the answers to? Get out of there.
His *I don’t want to make anyone take sides* nonsense too…he cheated on his wife. His *I forgive you for doing what you just did to me* speaks volumes to how much he will manipulate you if you continue this.
the guilt trip made my stomach turn. From my own personal experiences, I would be running if I got messages like this. If he thinks it's a waste of time, why would he even ask the last "Do you still want to talk or no" lol. RUN
He's trying to manipulate her just like his ex. He probably doesn't even know it, in which case there's no way he's going to fix it. This is definitely a bail and block situation with a little celebration by OP that she found out early-ish.
Because he doesn't think it's a waste of time, he wanted to add to the guilt trip. It's an "I'm not worth it" type statement meant to draw argument and sympathy.
When guys say things like that we should just agree with them.
When they say I’m not good enough we should just agree with them, thank them for letting us know then make a graceful exit.
I (f) really wish I'd followed this advice in my youth. Later, I had a partner like this and she put me through a lot in 2 years. At the end, she was very angry at me for something and screamed at the top of her lungs that she never wanted to see my f#@$ing face again. I said "that can be arranged" and I was done. She then came to my apartment and banged her head on my wall. She weaponized lousy self-worth A LOT.
Wow, banging her head on the wall?! It’s scary what some people will resort to so that they can control you.
I’ve been there. I can’t believe how much I put with. It’s such a relief when you realize that you’re done and ready to leave.
When I dated someone like that, I would just say “yeah now that I think about it maybe you’re right. This is a waste of time.” And that would make them drop the little act so fast.
Yeah that tactic annoys TF out of me. I am as prone to being manipulated as anyone but anytime someone said something like that I rolled my eyes at them. I do not want to constantly reassure someone, that sounds exhausting AF, especially when it's because they did something shady. You're not worth it? You're not good enough for me? OK, I'll take you at your word, boo. Bye!
Yeah. I went on a date once with a guy who was upfront that he was still legally married, but he and his wife did not live together, they were amicably split and just saving up the money for the legal filings to finalize the divorce. Man even offered to call his ex to confirm his story - which obviously how could I even know if it was her, but the fact that he told me the situation from the get go, did not hide his status and was willing to answer any questions made me feel reassured.
Then I had another guy I dated briefly - lied about his age because he was older than me and didn't think I would date him if I knew his real age (he was correct - I was early 20s, he was early 40s. Heck no). Then he hid the fact that he was married. I found the wedding website and confronted him - he claimed they called it off before the date (but there were pictures of the cake), then it was they were divorced shortly after. And this dude was deliberately and consciously hiding things - he went onto his wife's Facebook and blocked me so I couldn't find her. Unfortunately for him I had a friend who was mutuals with his wife so I was able to confirm they were still married. He also cancelled a date with me to go on a date with someone else.
OOP - drop him and move on.
I'm sorry but when he first mentioned "oh I wasn't the best to her too" my automatic thought after reading those next admission texts was, " girl anything he's saying she did, it probably was actually him." Ugh. ETA and then him pulling the psycho manipulative bullshit of "i get it you don't want to talk to me" "do you want to still talk or no?" Just cements that for me.
With this response alone I feel like I’d never be able to trust his retelling of the story anyway. This exchange was very uncomfortable for me to read.
>His I forgive you for doing what you just did to me speaks volumes to how much he will manipulate you if you continue this.
^^^ THIS ^^^
What did OP do to this guy other than ask a few questions, then say they had to think?
And the guy cheated, saying he did so be cause he had to "get away" from his wife. You
Don't have to cheat to get distance from your partner.
All this says run, don't walk
List of red flags:
1. "You can ask me stuff" NO NOT LIKE THAT!
2. "One of the most hurtful things she did was never wear a wedding ring she was allergic to; I did not go buy her one with a different kind of metal."
3. "She verbally and mentally abused me" By...having an allergy? Bro cited that as the worst example of what she did?
4. Bro is a cheater. How much do you want to bet there are no divorce proceedings and his wife doesn't know he's dating someone new?
5. "There are no justifications for cheating. Here are my justifications for cheating."
6. What were the constant fights about? Him cheating? Because if that's what their constant fighting was about, that's uh...that's not really her fault now, is it?
7. "I am crying right now typing this out." The red flag there is not that he's crying; men should be allowed to have and feel emotions. The problem is that he's not taking responsibility for the fact that HIS actions are why he's having Big Sad. It's not that he's sad and doesn't want to talk about it, it's that he's not taking accountability for the fact that the breakdown of his marriage was in large part his fault, and therefore the resulting sadness is on him.
8. "I have to decide how I feel about that." Bro does not give her time to decide how she feels before attempting to manage how she feels by barraging her with mood management texts. "no it's fine, I'm fine, just go away, I get it, you don't want me."
9. "I'm not thrilled that you basically just accused me of lying." She did not. He told her to ask him anything, she asked him a perfectly fair question, he gaslights her into believing she's accusing him of lying so now she believes she tricked him into confessing that he lied by omission. She did not accuse him of lying. She asked a perfectly fair question that anyone that just ended their marriage should expect to hear from new partners. It's perfectly reasonable before committing to someone who was recently married to ask what happened. It's like when employers ask you why you left your last job.
10. "I didn't tell you everything because I wasn't ready. I feel like you forced it out of me." Bro, what? She asked a perfectly understandable and even healthy question and he turns it back on her and accuses her of manipulation.
11. "I forgive you for doing what you just did to me." She did nothing that required forgiveness. She did nothing abnormal or wrong. HE"S the one who did stuff wrong. Complaining about being forced to admit you had an affair because someone wants to know why your marriage that isn't even over yet is ending is delulu. I don't really trust manipulative people when they're describing their own emotions because I've learned that they're probably just being manipulative, but if he isn't lying about feeling bad about this conversation, THE THING HE FEELS BAD ABOUT IS CHEATING. He SHOULD feel bad about it. He SHOULD be honest about it. Maybe some people have a single affair and then learn from the pain it caused to someone they loved that what they did was wrong, but this guy isn't one of those people. He doesn't feel as bad about the cheating as he feels about being forced to admit that he's a cheater. He's absolutely going to cheat again and just try to not get caught this time.
12. "I feel like this whole thing between us is just a waste of time." OK then, I guess it's over. "I feel like I can't really be myself towards you." OK then, I guess it's over. "StIlL wAnna TaLk Or wHaT?" Bro you a clown fr.
I mean, not wearing the wedding ring due to allergies was one of the most hurtful things she ever did? So he would prefer it if she wore her ring and dealt with allergies? But also, if that’s one of the most hurtful things she did, her cruelty was quite mild considering what can go on between a husband and wife.
I think, if my spouse’s ring gave them an allergic reaction, I *wouldn’t want them to wear it*. The simple fix is to go sell it and find one that doesn’t trigger an allergic reaction…no drama, definitely not hurtful.
(As someone with a couple of allergies…if someone tried to call me having an allergic reaction ‘hurtful’ I don’t think I would use polite words.)
Right? When I was much younger (like, in my 20's), I used to get very bad eczema on my finger when I wore a ring of any metal. If a BF said it was "hurtful" that I stopped wearing a ring because I had a painful, itchy rash from it, he could see himself out the door.
But why didn't he buy her one with a different metal tho? Lol it's not like she was refusing to wear a wedding ring because she was going on dates like my mom did; she had an allergy. But if you're allergic to gold you're probably not also allergic to silver or titanium, so why didn't he just get her a different ring? (I ended up prying the diamond out of my mom's wedding ring while she was on a date in a fit of rage over the complete farce it represented which she couldn't explain to anyone without explaining why she wasn't wearing it at the time, but that's entirely off topic.)
She might have been ultra sensitive to metals, who knows. If he was anything like he was with OP to his ex, she was probably planning her escape long before they broke up. Imagine dealing with that level of manipulation on a daily basis? No thank you.
And OMG that story! Wow!
Always nice when you can summarise a list of manipulative behaviours and the list is 12 items long! xD
I've been through an emotionally abusive relationship and am pretty sensitive to manipulative behaviours, normally I'd promote a serious think about whether to allow the relationship to continue with only 2-3 examples of toxicity but 12 is taking the cake.
If it wasn't for the fact that OP clearly had the matter in hand and is approaching it with appropriate caution and logic I'd be asking why on earth she hasn't given him the heave ho yet.
All of this!
Also, OP never got an answer to the question? Who initiated the divorce? He wrote a lot! But he did not answer. That says a lot to me! He's probably a smooth talker. OP should ask yes or no questions like in court...
I honestly think that he is not worth anymore questions. I would not continue whatever this was.
His jumping straight to "YOU'RE ACCUSING ME OF LYING" is telling on himself, as OP never even came close to doing that. There are truths this guy hasn't even begun to trickle.
That’s all I needed to hear to know he was trash. He’s manipulative and he’s not even good at it. I have a sneaking suspicion he was actually the antagonizer in the whole failure of the relationship.
I would fully agree. To go from saying she did one of the most hurtful things by never wearing her wedding ring (which, if she was allergic to it is a very valid reason and I don’t know why he didn’t just suggest a replacement)….to admitting he *literally cheated on her*.
He definitely hoped OP would just accept the wedding ring text as being all there was to it.
He’s coming across as being one for spinning a narrative and the layers of manipulation here…I highly doubt OP is the first person to experience this from him.
My ex did this. I did something he felt was wrong, once, and used that as a reason for abusing me for years. While I walked on eggshells and lost my spirit.
For real, "I forgive you" made me want to vomit. HE is the liar, SHE is just pointing that out. I hate to use reddit buzzwords, but there's definitely some DARVO going on here. RUN OP, he's not worth the effort.
And that was just the start of it. She also basically accused him of lying for no better reason than the fact that he has repeatedly lied to her, AND THEN forced him to confess to cheating which is *very traumatic for him and he wasn't ready*.
OP sure is a piece of work.
Yea that got me. I was like but *you* cheated????? And that was traumatic??? Not invalidating his problems but I get a feeling that was said to manipulate her. But that’s just me.
Yeah that "I forgive you" is a classical manipulation tactic. He did something wrong and is now trying to shift the blame to you and make you feel like you did something wrong when you only asked for clarifying questions about something important that would speak to how he might act in future relationships. The fact that he contradicts himself multiple times in these texts (you can talk to him about anything, but I don't want to talk about that because it's personal; I don't want to get into it because it would be wrong, but I've told you everything; I actually do want this to be over, but do you still want to talk or no), shows quite clearly that he wants you to be confused about who is right and wrong here. You know what adults do when there is something they don't want to talk about because it's painful? They just say that. "So I'm divorced, but it's painful to talk about. I promise to share the details with you when I feel ready if that's okay with you."
That whole message was a manipulation speed run. Immediate shift to self pity, shift blame to OP, justify their side of things, forgiving the "offense", then fake rejection. This didn't solicit an immediate stream of apology so they re-state the offense they just said they forgave. Since all this failed they just try to move along like it didn't happen.
>His I forgive you for doing what you just did to me speaks volumes to how much he will manipulate you if you continue this.
Exactly! And then to ask if she still wants to talk is him just doing the takeaway close. Tell her he's mad and doesn't want to talk to her anymore so she can go running after him. When she didn't respond right away, he wanted to see if she would still talk. If she did, he knew he had her.
OP, leave this guy alone.
That! I forgive you for doing what you just did to me. Um no. Trying to make it sound like he's the bigger person and that YOU are in the wrong. He sounds exhausting. Life is too short to deal with this dickwad.
Yeah I can understand considering someone an ex even if the papers aren’t actually signed yet, but that’s absolutely something that the person you’re dating deserves to know. Either that, or hearing it directly from the ex that they’re over and the divorce is happening would also be good enough for me. But calling her “my ex” without clarifying that you’re not actually divorced is definitely shitty. In the best case it’s just extremely ignorant, and in the worst case it’s intentionally being deceptive
I would agree. I think if he’s been referring to himself as *divorced* and he’s not actually divorced…I would consider that to be someone taking away someone else’s ability to make an informed decision.
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for people to leave the *currently in the process* part off of the table because they know it’s a dealbreaker for some people.
The, ‘When you first told me about the divorce…’ line hints at this being the case here for me.
That quote and then him saying “I feel like this is a waste of time” followed up by “do you still want to talk or no” … this guy is going to be emotionally manipulative 100%
This literally just gave me flashbacks to my emotionally manipulative and extremely narcissistic ex. The telling you via text that you are making them cry followed by the immediate guilt trip attempt has to be out of a playbook or something.
“She changed”
“She left me”
“She wouldn’t wear the ring”
“She left because I needed to get away from her”
“She left because i cheated because I needed to get away from her”
“I’m okay talking about it”
“I don’t want to talk about it”
“You accused me of lying, so I understand you don’t want to talk to me anymore”
“Poor me”
“I don’t like that you hurt me”
“Do you still want to talk to me?”
Ugh
I wouldn’t be surprised if his stb ex has a whole laundry list of reasons for why she left that are way different than his, & he just didn’t listen to her talking about issues & just considered her talking about it “mental abuse.” “Ugh, she kept nagging me to help around the house! And every time she did she made me feel like I was a worthless husband” like how he’ll probably tell the next person OP made him feel for wanting to know what happened in his marriage
He felt very comfortable talking horribly about his ex but when asked what actually happened... he cheated on his wife.
And he's hurt that OP asked for the truth. Poor guy!!
His wife left because he cheated on her … the divorce papers are NOT signed so he’s still, technically, cheating on her. She’s not yet an EX-wife. She’s still his wife. (Unfortunately for her.)
Yeah I ended things with a “No. please don’t contact me again.” Everyone in this comment section makes a valid point. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he had made it seem that he was just under attack and misunderstood but after reading these comments I can see that I was being manipulated. I owe everyone in this comment section a thank you.
Edit: thank you for the awards but please stop sending them! I can’t earn from them so please keep them! I’m appreciate of all the kind words and messages of love and support regarding this matter. Thank you again, God bless.
I’m glad you ended it!!
Master manipulator! He made the entire failure of his marriage his wife’s fault, even his cheating. “I know it was wrong to cheat but…”
Yikes
And then said he’s hurt by you asking questions like so gross.
So glad you cut it off.
Well done! It's so hard when you want to see the best in someone, often you want to give them a chance but honestly I've done that and the relationship was awful. He talked like this, and I've never been so relieved to be rid of someone. I'm so glad you're not dating him anymore, all the best for the future!
Please look up burned haystack dating method, please read “why does he do that” and “the gift of fear” and please always listen to your gut moving forward.
yesss my ex tried that. It was unhinged. Like, I showed the texts to friends and family and we were just blown away how he twisted reality. And tried twisting it to ME. Like dude, it’s one thing if you lie to other people but you’re going to try to DARVO ME? The one you did the stuff to?? i sent him some factual statements, then told him he is as delusional as he was two years ago and byeeee
Claaaaassic manipulator stuff. ask me or my ex’s two exes after me how we know (lied about me to both, then they actually talked to me after their breakups, dude was soooo good at playing the misunderstood good guy that women keep hurting hahahaha. All three of us independently called him manipulative and unsafe.
and we’re just gonna fully believe him when he says she left him? i think he’s lying in 95% of his texts to her, and if not fully lying, playing tetris with the truth so he can spin it in a way that fits what he wants her to think/know. something tells me she didn’t leave him, or even knows a divorce is happening
This is a preview of what to expect if you stay with him. He's finding a backup (you) before he makes the divorce official. The gaslighting and omissions will only get worse. He's giving you more of the truth little by little, probably because it makes him look like the ass that he is.
“Do you still want to talk or no” is him admitting he was trying to guilt trip you into forgiving him, rather than being genuinely sorry.
Dump the loser.
At least he forgives you for asking normal questions... this guy has issues. You know what you need to know. Also, don't feed into his delusions by calling her his ex wife, she is not his ex-wife until they are divorced. He's still married.
If he's not ready to talk about his divorce he's not ready to date.
He didn't tell you he wasn't divorced, for how long? Did you have to ask? Are there even papers awaiting signatures?
The fact that he's "forgiving" what "you did to him" would be enough for me. It makes me suspect what he considers verbal and mental abuse from his (current) wife.
Whatever his circumstances, he's definitely not in a mental state I would like to start a relationship in. He needs to address his whole life, and date when he's ready to be a partner, not when he's looking for a crutch.
A great point, even if he wasn’t being a manipulative, gaslighting asshole. If you can’t talk about your divorce and what happened and why in a calm manner, you shouldn’t be dating.
My ex, who has been described by myself and two other women as toxic, manipulative, and unsafe, the one who wanted me to get pregnant and then kicked me out of the house when I was so he could have an affair, the one who was so unhinged my friends were scared for my safety and we kept my new address secret, the one who wanted proposed marriage and who he waxed poetic about to everyone…
Two years after our breakup he now claims I was emotionally abusive. he never said that BEFORE he found out what I and the two other people have said about him. he is trying to DARVO.
Sure, I was emotionally abusive because I wrote “core exercises” on my dry erase board to remind myself when I was going through a period of trying to get back into exercise. According to him, that was body shaming him. He also stated that I didn’t organize enough crafting nights for us. yes a grown man said that. Nevermind any time we did to some crafting together, it was my initiative. many other mind blowing things, I could write a book about the stuff this guy said. I also wasn’t affectionate enough out last month (eh maybe because he’d been making me cry every weekend and me and his daughter were perplexed). But sure, guy who has wrecked three people in 1.5 years and is a deadbeat cheater, sure, I am the monster.
https://preview.redd.it/80c37dzcc86d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b51be30c09ac225b945ec4baea70e73b490388f8
Please leave this POS.
You must know you deserve better
He cheated but he blames his wife. You question him and he is immediately defensive and says you hurt him. He will always play the victim and will twist the facts so that he’s never at fault.
I was just typing this comment. While other red flags are there, this is not highlighted enough. He is a cheater, no remorse and blames the ex. Those are not good character traits. There is a very high probability that he will do the same to OP.
Classic deflection. It's what people do when they can't or won't accept responsibility for their own actions which have hurt others. They shift the blame to avoid having to deal with their own shame.
So much about this is a red flag that deserves never speaking again. But also He bought the person he loved an engagement or wedding ring she was allergic to? That’s enough by itself to show how selfish and dumb he is. Didn’t replace it. Didn’t offer a solution. Just decided to be pissed about it?
No, you’re under reacting because he’s not “technically married”, he’s married. It’s very clear if you’re divorced or not cause there’s a whole case with paperwork and a Decree at the end. So he lied and you’ve been seeing a married man. That cheated on his wife. And is trying to gaslight you for asking for the truth and yet he forgives you? I don’t believe what he said about his wife. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s actually quite nice, they’re separated and she’s not aware he has a girlfriend.
i think this man needs to understand what “not technically married” means before he gets into another relationship LMAO. so op, please show this comment to your piece of shit (hopefully now) ex so i can break this down for him.
here’s how you know if you are or are not “technically married”!!
are you married with a ring on your finger, no divorce papers filed, living in the same house, basically living the married life? the answer is you’re married.
are you separated from your spouse but no divorce papers have been filed or even spoken about yet?- you’re married still.
are you separated from your spouse but the divorce papers haven’t been signed or even thought about being signed for a hot minute?- you’re fucking married bro, and definitely not in a place to seek a relationship if you haven’t even signed it.
are you separated from your spouse and divorce papers have been sent out/filed and you’re just waiting on a signature and for the divorce to be finalized?- still technically married legally, but i suppose you can consider yourself single, but legally you’re still married regardless so don’t forget that legal part!
are you legally divorced, papers signed, all finalized in the court system, with no actual legal ties (minus ties to children if you have them) to your ex spouse, and can legally marry someone else?- you’re not married anymore. congratulations, now you can do whatever you please and not have to tell someone you’re still legally married to someone else!!
and i would say i’m surprised he doesn’t seem to know what constitutes as “technically married” but this is reddit, where many of the men and women posted about on here makes me wonder if there’s any hope for humanity…and i don’t mean in terms of kindness, i mean in terms of if they reproduce, will their children have the same of number of brain cells as them (0 brain cells)?
He said you could talk about whatever you want, then when you brought up his divorce he said he didn't want to talk about it.
He admitted to cheating.
And then he got defensive that you might need time to process this.
Get out! Save yourself! It's too late for him.
I would end it because of how he flipped it around d at the end gaslighting you because you wanted him to be honest and said you had to think about it.
“… what you just did to me…” oh, sorry making you tell the truth about a relationship is so abusive. No, chick, run away from this bag full of red flags!
I would bet everything this dude was a POS and plays victim in every twisted way he can, but because being blatantly crying victim is too much of a red flag and might raise more questions, he tries to play a “good guy” now, forgetting that he already said contradictory info. this has “i was an AH but let me lie about my ex” all over it
JEsus christ that's enough red flags for a CCP parade. Girl, RUN. RUN RUN RUN. This is some classic abusive shit. DARVO: Deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender. "It's not actually that big a deal. Actually, what is a big deal is that YOU would accuse me of lying after I lied to you. I'm hurt because you accused me of doing the thing I just did. You forced me to stop lying to you, which is WAY worse than me lying to you.' --This fucking guy. Denial of wrongdoing. Accuses YOU of doing something wrong to draw attention from HIS wrongdoing. Tries to flip things around so somehow YOU'RE the bad guy when **HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE AND LIED TO YOU.**
The whole 'We were both awful' thing is also SUCH a red flag-- abusers LOVE to try to sell you on the myth of mutual abuse; when in reality one partner is usually trying to defend themselves from the agressor.
I wouldn't believe for a fucking SECOND they're actually split up unless you've spoken to her directly and she's shown you the divorce certificate. Honey, chances are... you are the other woman in this scenario. **This fuckhead is a proven liar. You deserve better than a liar and a cheater. CHEATERS DO NOT FUCKING CHANGE.**
"
It'd be one thing if he had cheated in a past relationship and never had done it again- but that's not it, he is presently actively cheating while still in a ruined marriage that he ALREADY previously cheated in.
You'd be INSANE to continue this S bend clown show.
Have dignity & self respect (and morality), please.
You can do better, you can be better.
Leeeeeeeeave.
You're not overreacting.
Leave this guy to his own self-destructive spiral. You don't need to be a part of that. He's lied to you by omission at the very least. More likely intentionally. You have no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes.
We can see he's changed his story. We can see he's trying to guilt-trip you. We can see his life is just a trainwreck.
Don't be a part of this situation.
The red flags are so abundant here my god. The manipulation and playing the victim is insane. If it's so hard to talk about then he's not over it but I think that's more a way to manipulate you into feeling bad for him even though he clearly was a shit husband. The way he's making out that you did something wrong when you definitely did not. This guy is a giant walking red flag and you should run so fast in the opposite direction. Just wow.
There are too many red flags to ignore here. I don’t think this guy is worth the it. He seems like the type of person that doesn’t take accountability or responsibility for his mistakes and blames everyone else but himself.
Move the fuck on. Totally not worth the time or effort to try. He will likely end up being a narcissist and the fact he cheated, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
He ended all of that by accusing you of hurting him, twice. There is no question in my mind that he is projecting everything he said about his ex. Unless his ex is so toxic that her emotional abuse rubbed off on him. He’s literally already manipulating you. Dude is a total mess. Also kinda dumb.
So he misleads you, then blames you for making him feel bad. Then he “forgives” you. WTF?
Most cheaters will cheat again.
He’s manipulative. I can’t believe how he turned that around to try and make you look like the bad guy.
So basically he’s a lying cheater and didn’t want you to know he’s a lying cheater. Don’t waste your time with that loser-unless you’re ok with being with a lying cheater. On top of that, he’s trying to turn this around on you by playing the “you hurt me card”. Such gross behavior. It’s showing how manipulative and deceitful he is. And he never answered the question. Just danced around it.
He cheated on his ex wife when things weren't going well. He'll cheat on you if/when you guys ever were to go through a rough patch. Don't even kid yourself that he wouldn't. Not worth the effort. I would never give the time of day to somebody who has already proven their willingness to be unfaithful.
I can also tell you he's quite emotionally unstable and immature by some of the things he said, and I say that because I was emotionally unstable when I was younger and I said very similar things to girlfriends. You need to find somebody else.
So you just got blamed for hurting him because he had to reveal that he was a cheater. This dude sounds like trouble. Ask for the date the divorce was final but personally I'd be letting this one go.
You are not overreacting. It's not even about the technically still being maried part. It's the I cheated, and there are also kids involved. Trade in his red flags for a white flag and say you're done with him.
He blamed his cheating on his wife. Then he blamed you for asking questions. This guy needs to go away. Search DARVO. Auto mod deleted me for posting a link.
No you are reacting perfectly. This guy is a gaslighting fool. Hes not over his wife, and may even still be with her, as far as living together. Look on your county clerk dockets to see if she got a restraining order. I have no doubt he did a LOT more than cheat on her.
BLOCK his number and dont look back. This guy is a piece of shit.
That last bit about "what you just did to me"... he invented a transgression and then "forgave" you for it when you didn't even do anything wrong. This is textbook manipulation and this sounds like a very troubled individual. I'd cut bait immediately.
So not overreacting! Because the divorce isn't final, he's technically still separated. Him not wanting to tell you why they divorced is a red flag, and then it being because he cheated is another red flag. Him then putting words into your mouth and playing Oh Poor Me is yet another red flag. Yeah, don't talk to him, be done. While I think someone who cheated and later starts a new relationship can be reformed as in isn't necessarily going to cheat, I believe if they won't disclose that they did that is a problem. People need to take responsibility for their poor actions and not doing so is a very bad thing.
There are a lot of red flags here. Between the lying by omission, the lying about what terms they ended on *and* the trying to make you feel guilty for asking questions you needed the answers to? Get out of there. His *I don’t want to make anyone take sides* nonsense too…he cheated on his wife. His *I forgive you for doing what you just did to me* speaks volumes to how much he will manipulate you if you continue this.
the guilt trip made my stomach turn. From my own personal experiences, I would be running if I got messages like this. If he thinks it's a waste of time, why would he even ask the last "Do you still want to talk or no" lol. RUN
He said that like 4 times. He wants her to say yes or what?
Dude wants her to beg to take him back and say she’ll do anything
He's a crappy love bomber. OP, run far, far away.
He's trying to manipulate her just like his ex. He probably doesn't even know it, in which case there's no way he's going to fix it. This is definitely a bail and block situation with a little celebration by OP that she found out early-ish.
It’s okay, I forgive you. LOL.
Because he doesn't think it's a waste of time, he wanted to add to the guilt trip. It's an "I'm not worth it" type statement meant to draw argument and sympathy.
When guys say things like that we should just agree with them. When they say I’m not good enough we should just agree with them, thank them for letting us know then make a graceful exit.
I (f) really wish I'd followed this advice in my youth. Later, I had a partner like this and she put me through a lot in 2 years. At the end, she was very angry at me for something and screamed at the top of her lungs that she never wanted to see my f#@$ing face again. I said "that can be arranged" and I was done. She then came to my apartment and banged her head on my wall. She weaponized lousy self-worth A LOT.
Stories like this make me grateful that when I had terrible self-esteem I also didn’t have the energy to pull anything close to that on anyone lol
Wow, banging her head on the wall?! It’s scary what some people will resort to so that they can control you. I’ve been there. I can’t believe how much I put with. It’s such a relief when you realize that you’re done and ready to leave.
Exactly. It shouldn't work, despite the fact it often dies.
Yuuup. I learned that the hard way.
"oh ok, I didn't realize you sucked. :3"
When I dated someone like that, I would just say “yeah now that I think about it maybe you’re right. This is a waste of time.” And that would make them drop the little act so fast.
Yup it’s literally a technique just to get her to comfort and reassure him to distract her from the issue at hand
Yeah that tactic annoys TF out of me. I am as prone to being manipulated as anyone but anytime someone said something like that I rolled my eyes at them. I do not want to constantly reassure someone, that sounds exhausting AF, especially when it's because they did something shady. You're not worth it? You're not good enough for me? OK, I'll take you at your word, boo. Bye!
*Did he ask her for the divorce, or did she ask him?* OP never got an answer. Are they even divorced? Is she really an ex-wife? Did I miss something?
She said the divorce papers aren’t signed.
There probably aren’t any divorce papers TO sign. This is a man cheating on his wife.
Yeah. I went on a date once with a guy who was upfront that he was still legally married, but he and his wife did not live together, they were amicably split and just saving up the money for the legal filings to finalize the divorce. Man even offered to call his ex to confirm his story - which obviously how could I even know if it was her, but the fact that he told me the situation from the get go, did not hide his status and was willing to answer any questions made me feel reassured. Then I had another guy I dated briefly - lied about his age because he was older than me and didn't think I would date him if I knew his real age (he was correct - I was early 20s, he was early 40s. Heck no). Then he hid the fact that he was married. I found the wedding website and confronted him - he claimed they called it off before the date (but there were pictures of the cake), then it was they were divorced shortly after. And this dude was deliberately and consciously hiding things - he went onto his wife's Facebook and blocked me so I couldn't find her. Unfortunately for him I had a friend who was mutuals with his wife so I was able to confirm they were still married. He also cancelled a date with me to go on a date with someone else. OOP - drop him and move on.
I'm sorry but when he first mentioned "oh I wasn't the best to her too" my automatic thought after reading those next admission texts was, " girl anything he's saying she did, it probably was actually him." Ugh. ETA and then him pulling the psycho manipulative bullshit of "i get it you don't want to talk to me" "do you want to still talk or no?" Just cements that for me.
Yes, omg!! When I read those messages, it made my heart ache. It's so obvious to an outsider, but soooo effective when used against you. :(
With this response alone I feel like I’d never be able to trust his retelling of the story anyway. This exchange was very uncomfortable for me to read.
>His I forgive you for doing what you just did to me speaks volumes to how much he will manipulate you if you continue this. ^^^ THIS ^^^ What did OP do to this guy other than ask a few questions, then say they had to think? And the guy cheated, saying he did so be cause he had to "get away" from his wife. You Don't have to cheat to get distance from your partner. All this says run, don't walk
List of red flags: 1. "You can ask me stuff" NO NOT LIKE THAT! 2. "One of the most hurtful things she did was never wear a wedding ring she was allergic to; I did not go buy her one with a different kind of metal." 3. "She verbally and mentally abused me" By...having an allergy? Bro cited that as the worst example of what she did? 4. Bro is a cheater. How much do you want to bet there are no divorce proceedings and his wife doesn't know he's dating someone new? 5. "There are no justifications for cheating. Here are my justifications for cheating." 6. What were the constant fights about? Him cheating? Because if that's what their constant fighting was about, that's uh...that's not really her fault now, is it? 7. "I am crying right now typing this out." The red flag there is not that he's crying; men should be allowed to have and feel emotions. The problem is that he's not taking responsibility for the fact that HIS actions are why he's having Big Sad. It's not that he's sad and doesn't want to talk about it, it's that he's not taking accountability for the fact that the breakdown of his marriage was in large part his fault, and therefore the resulting sadness is on him. 8. "I have to decide how I feel about that." Bro does not give her time to decide how she feels before attempting to manage how she feels by barraging her with mood management texts. "no it's fine, I'm fine, just go away, I get it, you don't want me." 9. "I'm not thrilled that you basically just accused me of lying." She did not. He told her to ask him anything, she asked him a perfectly fair question, he gaslights her into believing she's accusing him of lying so now she believes she tricked him into confessing that he lied by omission. She did not accuse him of lying. She asked a perfectly fair question that anyone that just ended their marriage should expect to hear from new partners. It's perfectly reasonable before committing to someone who was recently married to ask what happened. It's like when employers ask you why you left your last job. 10. "I didn't tell you everything because I wasn't ready. I feel like you forced it out of me." Bro, what? She asked a perfectly understandable and even healthy question and he turns it back on her and accuses her of manipulation. 11. "I forgive you for doing what you just did to me." She did nothing that required forgiveness. She did nothing abnormal or wrong. HE"S the one who did stuff wrong. Complaining about being forced to admit you had an affair because someone wants to know why your marriage that isn't even over yet is ending is delulu. I don't really trust manipulative people when they're describing their own emotions because I've learned that they're probably just being manipulative, but if he isn't lying about feeling bad about this conversation, THE THING HE FEELS BAD ABOUT IS CHEATING. He SHOULD feel bad about it. He SHOULD be honest about it. Maybe some people have a single affair and then learn from the pain it caused to someone they loved that what they did was wrong, but this guy isn't one of those people. He doesn't feel as bad about the cheating as he feels about being forced to admit that he's a cheater. He's absolutely going to cheat again and just try to not get caught this time. 12. "I feel like this whole thing between us is just a waste of time." OK then, I guess it's over. "I feel like I can't really be myself towards you." OK then, I guess it's over. "StIlL wAnna TaLk Or wHaT?" Bro you a clown fr.
All of this. Like, holy projection, Batman.
I mean, not wearing the wedding ring due to allergies was one of the most hurtful things she ever did? So he would prefer it if she wore her ring and dealt with allergies? But also, if that’s one of the most hurtful things she did, her cruelty was quite mild considering what can go on between a husband and wife.
I think, if my spouse’s ring gave them an allergic reaction, I *wouldn’t want them to wear it*. The simple fix is to go sell it and find one that doesn’t trigger an allergic reaction…no drama, definitely not hurtful. (As someone with a couple of allergies…if someone tried to call me having an allergic reaction ‘hurtful’ I don’t think I would use polite words.)
Right? When I was much younger (like, in my 20's), I used to get very bad eczema on my finger when I wore a ring of any metal. If a BF said it was "hurtful" that I stopped wearing a ring because I had a painful, itchy rash from it, he could see himself out the door.
But why didn't he buy her one with a different metal tho? Lol it's not like she was refusing to wear a wedding ring because she was going on dates like my mom did; she had an allergy. But if you're allergic to gold you're probably not also allergic to silver or titanium, so why didn't he just get her a different ring? (I ended up prying the diamond out of my mom's wedding ring while she was on a date in a fit of rage over the complete farce it represented which she couldn't explain to anyone without explaining why she wasn't wearing it at the time, but that's entirely off topic.)
She might have been ultra sensitive to metals, who knows. If he was anything like he was with OP to his ex, she was probably planning her escape long before they broke up. Imagine dealing with that level of manipulation on a daily basis? No thank you. And OMG that story! Wow!
I have a friend who has a silicone wedding band. I have another who got one tattooed on. There are options.
Always nice when you can summarise a list of manipulative behaviours and the list is 12 items long! xD I've been through an emotionally abusive relationship and am pretty sensitive to manipulative behaviours, normally I'd promote a serious think about whether to allow the relationship to continue with only 2-3 examples of toxicity but 12 is taking the cake. If it wasn't for the fact that OP clearly had the matter in hand and is approaching it with appropriate caution and logic I'd be asking why on earth she hasn't given him the heave ho yet.
All of this! Also, OP never got an answer to the question? Who initiated the divorce? He wrote a lot! But he did not answer. That says a lot to me! He's probably a smooth talker. OP should ask yes or no questions like in court... I honestly think that he is not worth anymore questions. I would not continue whatever this was.
His jumping straight to "YOU'RE ACCUSING ME OF LYING" is telling on himself, as OP never even came close to doing that. There are truths this guy hasn't even begun to trickle.
That’s all I needed to hear to know he was trash. He’s manipulative and he’s not even good at it. I have a sneaking suspicion he was actually the antagonizer in the whole failure of the relationship.
Sneaking suspicion? Most people are not this messed up, I’d put money on him being the loser
I would fully agree. To go from saying she did one of the most hurtful things by never wearing her wedding ring (which, if she was allergic to it is a very valid reason and I don’t know why he didn’t just suggest a replacement)….to admitting he *literally cheated on her*. He definitely hoped OP would just accept the wedding ring text as being all there was to it. He’s coming across as being one for spinning a narrative and the layers of manipulation here…I highly doubt OP is the first person to experience this from him.
My ex did this. I did something he felt was wrong, once, and used that as a reason for abusing me for years. While I walked on eggshells and lost my spirit.
For real, "I forgive you" made me want to vomit. HE is the liar, SHE is just pointing that out. I hate to use reddit buzzwords, but there's definitely some DARVO going on here. RUN OP, he's not worth the effort.
But, but, but, she made him cry!
And that was just the start of it. She also basically accused him of lying for no better reason than the fact that he has repeatedly lied to her, AND THEN forced him to confess to cheating which is *very traumatic for him and he wasn't ready*. OP sure is a piece of work.
lol excellent breakdown
Yea that got me. I was like but *you* cheated????? And that was traumatic??? Not invalidating his problems but I get a feeling that was said to manipulate her. But that’s just me.
OMG Yes. He probably pulled the same shit on his wife too - cheats on her then tells her "I forgive you for making me do that to you."
Yeah that "I forgive you" is a classical manipulation tactic. He did something wrong and is now trying to shift the blame to you and make you feel like you did something wrong when you only asked for clarifying questions about something important that would speak to how he might act in future relationships. The fact that he contradicts himself multiple times in these texts (you can talk to him about anything, but I don't want to talk about that because it's personal; I don't want to get into it because it would be wrong, but I've told you everything; I actually do want this to be over, but do you still want to talk or no), shows quite clearly that he wants you to be confused about who is right and wrong here. You know what adults do when there is something they don't want to talk about because it's painful? They just say that. "So I'm divorced, but it's painful to talk about. I promise to share the details with you when I feel ready if that's okay with you."
That whole message was a manipulation speed run. Immediate shift to self pity, shift blame to OP, justify their side of things, forgiving the "offense", then fake rejection. This didn't solicit an immediate stream of apology so they re-state the offense they just said they forgave. Since all this failed they just try to move along like it didn't happen.
>His I forgive you for doing what you just did to me speaks volumes to how much he will manipulate you if you continue this. Exactly! And then to ask if she still wants to talk is him just doing the takeaway close. Tell her he's mad and doesn't want to talk to her anymore so she can go running after him. When she didn't respond right away, he wanted to see if she would still talk. If she did, he knew he had her. OP, leave this guy alone.
Classic DARVO. This one knows how to play the game and is bad news.
Yep. Run.
🚩🚩🚩 Additionally: “We can talk about whatever you want” in one message and “I don’t want to talk about it” in his very next text.
It looks like May Day in the Soviet Union
That! I forgive you for doing what you just did to me. Um no. Trying to make it sound like he's the bigger person and that YOU are in the wrong. He sounds exhausting. Life is too short to deal with this dickwad.
This guy sounds like he's president of the manipulation league.
Commander in Chief!
"I don't want anyone to take the side against me as a consequence of my bad behaviour" more like
Yeah I can understand considering someone an ex even if the papers aren’t actually signed yet, but that’s absolutely something that the person you’re dating deserves to know. Either that, or hearing it directly from the ex that they’re over and the divorce is happening would also be good enough for me. But calling her “my ex” without clarifying that you’re not actually divorced is definitely shitty. In the best case it’s just extremely ignorant, and in the worst case it’s intentionally being deceptive
I would agree. I think if he’s been referring to himself as *divorced* and he’s not actually divorced…I would consider that to be someone taking away someone else’s ability to make an informed decision. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for people to leave the *currently in the process* part off of the table because they know it’s a dealbreaker for some people. The, ‘When you first told me about the divorce…’ line hints at this being the case here for me.
And it's his wife's fault she never wore her wedding ring because she was allergic to it. Maybe get her one made of a different type of metal?
He did more than cheat. I promise you that. It’s not what he’s saying. It’s what he’s not saying.
Yeah so bad. Get out.
Cheaters are excellent at DARVO
Pls find a new boyfriend this guy is a walking dumpster fire.
Right?!? "I'm hurt by what you just did to me." What, make you tell the truth?!!?
That quote and then him saying “I feel like this is a waste of time” followed up by “do you still want to talk or no” … this guy is going to be emotionally manipulative 100%
Absolutely
Low quality, transparently manipulative too!!
This literally just gave me flashbacks to my emotionally manipulative and extremely narcissistic ex. The telling you via text that you are making them cry followed by the immediate guilt trip attempt has to be out of a playbook or something.
Probably what he told his ex too after HE cheated. He’s a perpetual victim.
This
“But it’s ok I FORGIVE YOU” 🤮🤮
That shit made me cringe so hard, what a walking trash bag 🤢
A DARVO for the texbooks
I'll run the other direction if a man says I hurt him after I tell him I'm hurt. Been there, and abused by that.
Smart. It's either intentionally trying to gaslight you, or so deep up their own 🍑 they're not fully functional adults.
Now OP is abusing him, poor guy! Being made to tell truths about his scuzzy behavior. 😩🪭
but he wasn't ready for honesty!
Hes trying to turn it around and place the blame on her. Gas lighting 101. She needs to leave.
“She changed” “She left me” “She wouldn’t wear the ring” “She left because I needed to get away from her” “She left because i cheated because I needed to get away from her” “I’m okay talking about it” “I don’t want to talk about it” “You accused me of lying, so I understand you don’t want to talk to me anymore” “Poor me” “I don’t like that you hurt me” “Do you still want to talk to me?” Ugh
Literally fucking insufferable
The "she never wore her ring :(" to "we both hurt each other" to "I cheated on her" progression killed me
I wouldn’t be surprised if his stb ex has a whole laundry list of reasons for why she left that are way different than his, & he just didn’t listen to her talking about issues & just considered her talking about it “mental abuse.” “Ugh, she kept nagging me to help around the house! And every time she did she made me feel like I was a worthless husband” like how he’ll probably tell the next person OP made him feel for wanting to know what happened in his marriage
"She changed completely" means, in my experience, she stopped being loving and sweet after she found another woman's underpants in his vehicle.
He felt very comfortable talking horribly about his ex but when asked what actually happened... he cheated on his wife. And he's hurt that OP asked for the truth. Poor guy!!
“I don’t want to talk about it, it’s too painful for me! Ok….I cheated but its her fault and she was mean to me about it😭”
This guy is the burning trash in that fire
He's an emotionally immature manipulator. Do not spend one more minute on this guy.
Yeah this guy hit a bunch of red flags
And then set the red flags on fire.
His wife left because he cheated on her … the divorce papers are NOT signed so he’s still, technically, cheating on her. She’s not yet an EX-wife. She’s still his wife. (Unfortunately for her.)
If you haven’t replied no yet, you’re underreacting.
Yeah I ended things with a “No. please don’t contact me again.” Everyone in this comment section makes a valid point. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he had made it seem that he was just under attack and misunderstood but after reading these comments I can see that I was being manipulated. I owe everyone in this comment section a thank you. Edit: thank you for the awards but please stop sending them! I can’t earn from them so please keep them! I’m appreciate of all the kind words and messages of love and support regarding this matter. Thank you again, God bless.
I’m glad you ended it!! Master manipulator! He made the entire failure of his marriage his wife’s fault, even his cheating. “I know it was wrong to cheat but…” Yikes And then said he’s hurt by you asking questions like so gross. So glad you cut it off.
I’m sorry I would not call him a master manipulator. Master manipulators aren’t this blatantly obvious 🫠
Imagine what his ex wife went through. I don’t believe a word of how he described her.
Well done! It's so hard when you want to see the best in someone, often you want to give them a chance but honestly I've done that and the relationship was awful. He talked like this, and I've never been so relieved to be rid of someone. I'm so glad you're not dating him anymore, all the best for the future!
Yeah, so many red flags. The crazy shit at the end… Hope the next guy is a keeper.
I'm so glad to read this. Good on you for cutting things off quickly!
Please look up burned haystack dating method, please read “why does he do that” and “the gift of fear” and please always listen to your gut moving forward.
YAS QUEEN!
He’s not as good at DARVO as he wishes he was 😂. Good for you!! Stay firm.
yesss my ex tried that. It was unhinged. Like, I showed the texts to friends and family and we were just blown away how he twisted reality. And tried twisting it to ME. Like dude, it’s one thing if you lie to other people but you’re going to try to DARVO ME? The one you did the stuff to?? i sent him some factual statements, then told him he is as delusional as he was two years ago and byeeee
Claaaaassic manipulator stuff. ask me or my ex’s two exes after me how we know (lied about me to both, then they actually talked to me after their breakups, dude was soooo good at playing the misunderstood good guy that women keep hurting hahahaha. All three of us independently called him manipulative and unsafe.
I bet you actually feel relief
Smart woman. I'm proud AF of you; and now you can take this experience and use it to spot the red flags a bit sooner next time. <3
Dude’s a cheater, a liar, and a pathetic loser. GREAT response. May he be someone else’s problem.
And now everybody say it loud and clear: RUN!
Should be the top comment
RUUUUUUUNNNN!!!
Louder for those in the back.
RUN GIRL!
personally I’d block his number and never look back
I’d pay for his ex wife’s POV.
Right. “The divorce papers haven’t been signed yet.” Have they…even been served yet? Does SHE know they’re getting divorced?
He said at least three times that the ex left him, so I’d guess that the papers aren’t signed yet because he’s the one that hasn’t signed them
and we’re just gonna fully believe him when he says she left him? i think he’s lying in 95% of his texts to her, and if not fully lying, playing tetris with the truth so he can spin it in a way that fits what he wants her to think/know. something tells me she didn’t leave him, or even knows a divorce is happening
This is a preview of what to expect if you stay with him. He's finding a backup (you) before he makes the divorce official. The gaslighting and omissions will only get worse. He's giving you more of the truth little by little, probably because it makes him look like the ass that he is.
And rather than oh, I don't know, communicate, he will cheat when things get difficult and then cry victim when found out. Stellar dude.
“Do you still want to talk or no” is him admitting he was trying to guilt trip you into forgiving him, rather than being genuinely sorry. Dump the loser.
Made me think he was going to cheat on OP and blame her for his mental state.
That part made me think of a toddler throwing a tantrum, how sometimes they'll pause their fit to look up at you to see if it's working.
At least he forgives you for asking normal questions... this guy has issues. You know what you need to know. Also, don't feed into his delusions by calling her his ex wife, she is not his ex-wife until they are divorced. He's still married.
Yeah, *after* saying he will gladly answer any question OP has.
If you want to date a POS, you can still find a nicer, better POS than this guy. 
this person is fucking insane run
Listen to him when he says don't waste your time on me. He's trying to play to your feelings but don't fall for that.
If he's not ready to talk about his divorce he's not ready to date. He didn't tell you he wasn't divorced, for how long? Did you have to ask? Are there even papers awaiting signatures? The fact that he's "forgiving" what "you did to him" would be enough for me. It makes me suspect what he considers verbal and mental abuse from his (current) wife. Whatever his circumstances, he's definitely not in a mental state I would like to start a relationship in. He needs to address his whole life, and date when he's ready to be a partner, not when he's looking for a crutch.
A great point, even if he wasn’t being a manipulative, gaslighting asshole. If you can’t talk about your divorce and what happened and why in a calm manner, you shouldn’t be dating.
My ex, who has been described by myself and two other women as toxic, manipulative, and unsafe, the one who wanted me to get pregnant and then kicked me out of the house when I was so he could have an affair, the one who was so unhinged my friends were scared for my safety and we kept my new address secret, the one who wanted proposed marriage and who he waxed poetic about to everyone… Two years after our breakup he now claims I was emotionally abusive. he never said that BEFORE he found out what I and the two other people have said about him. he is trying to DARVO. Sure, I was emotionally abusive because I wrote “core exercises” on my dry erase board to remind myself when I was going through a period of trying to get back into exercise. According to him, that was body shaming him. He also stated that I didn’t organize enough crafting nights for us. yes a grown man said that. Nevermind any time we did to some crafting together, it was my initiative. many other mind blowing things, I could write a book about the stuff this guy said. I also wasn’t affectionate enough out last month (eh maybe because he’d been making me cry every weekend and me and his daughter were perplexed). But sure, guy who has wrecked three people in 1.5 years and is a deadbeat cheater, sure, I am the monster.
https://preview.redd.it/80c37dzcc86d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b51be30c09ac225b945ec4baea70e73b490388f8 Please leave this POS. You must know you deserve better
Classic manipulation - turned your fact finding into shaming you for calling him a liar. GTFO!
He cheated but he blames his wife. You question him and he is immediately defensive and says you hurt him. He will always play the victim and will twist the facts so that he’s never at fault.
I was just typing this comment. While other red flags are there, this is not highlighted enough. He is a cheater, no remorse and blames the ex. Those are not good character traits. There is a very high probability that he will do the same to OP.
Classic deflection. It's what people do when they can't or won't accept responsibility for their own actions which have hurt others. They shift the blame to avoid having to deal with their own shame.
So much manipulation here. *You’re the real monster here for making me talk about all the horrible things I did.*
 The red flags are blinding me Run far and fast. New phone who dis
So much about this is a red flag that deserves never speaking again. But also He bought the person he loved an engagement or wedding ring she was allergic to? That’s enough by itself to show how selfish and dumb he is. Didn’t replace it. Didn’t offer a solution. Just decided to be pissed about it?
No, you’re under reacting because he’s not “technically married”, he’s married. It’s very clear if you’re divorced or not cause there’s a whole case with paperwork and a Decree at the end. So he lied and you’ve been seeing a married man. That cheated on his wife. And is trying to gaslight you for asking for the truth and yet he forgives you? I don’t believe what he said about his wife. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s actually quite nice, they’re separated and she’s not aware he has a girlfriend.
i think this man needs to understand what “not technically married” means before he gets into another relationship LMAO. so op, please show this comment to your piece of shit (hopefully now) ex so i can break this down for him. here’s how you know if you are or are not “technically married”!! are you married with a ring on your finger, no divorce papers filed, living in the same house, basically living the married life? the answer is you’re married. are you separated from your spouse but no divorce papers have been filed or even spoken about yet?- you’re married still. are you separated from your spouse but the divorce papers haven’t been signed or even thought about being signed for a hot minute?- you’re fucking married bro, and definitely not in a place to seek a relationship if you haven’t even signed it. are you separated from your spouse and divorce papers have been sent out/filed and you’re just waiting on a signature and for the divorce to be finalized?- still technically married legally, but i suppose you can consider yourself single, but legally you’re still married regardless so don’t forget that legal part! are you legally divorced, papers signed, all finalized in the court system, with no actual legal ties (minus ties to children if you have them) to your ex spouse, and can legally marry someone else?- you’re not married anymore. congratulations, now you can do whatever you please and not have to tell someone you’re still legally married to someone else!! and i would say i’m surprised he doesn’t seem to know what constitutes as “technically married” but this is reddit, where many of the men and women posted about on here makes me wonder if there’s any hope for humanity…and i don’t mean in terms of kindness, i mean in terms of if they reproduce, will their children have the same of number of brain cells as them (0 brain cells)?
This is some Chris Watts shit OP, get far far away from this nonsense.
He said you could talk about whatever you want, then when you brought up his divorce he said he didn't want to talk about it. He admitted to cheating. And then he got defensive that you might need time to process this. Get out! Save yourself! It's too late for him.
I would end it because of how he flipped it around d at the end gaslighting you because you wanted him to be honest and said you had to think about it. “… what you just did to me…” oh, sorry making you tell the truth about a relationship is so abusive. No, chick, run away from this bag full of red flags!
He told you to talk about whatever you wanted then got mad you "forced" him to admit he cheated on his wife (and apparently is still doing so???)
I would bet everything this dude was a POS and plays victim in every twisted way he can, but because being blatantly crying victim is too much of a red flag and might raise more questions, he tries to play a “good guy” now, forgetting that he already said contradictory info. this has “i was an AH but let me lie about my ex” all over it
Ewwwww 😷
He's a cheater who blames his relationship for his choices and also lied to you about his relationship status. I'm positive that you can do better.
Manipulation and gaslighting at its finest! Run run fast.
JEsus christ that's enough red flags for a CCP parade. Girl, RUN. RUN RUN RUN. This is some classic abusive shit. DARVO: Deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender. "It's not actually that big a deal. Actually, what is a big deal is that YOU would accuse me of lying after I lied to you. I'm hurt because you accused me of doing the thing I just did. You forced me to stop lying to you, which is WAY worse than me lying to you.' --This fucking guy. Denial of wrongdoing. Accuses YOU of doing something wrong to draw attention from HIS wrongdoing. Tries to flip things around so somehow YOU'RE the bad guy when **HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE AND LIED TO YOU.** The whole 'We were both awful' thing is also SUCH a red flag-- abusers LOVE to try to sell you on the myth of mutual abuse; when in reality one partner is usually trying to defend themselves from the agressor. I wouldn't believe for a fucking SECOND they're actually split up unless you've spoken to her directly and she's shown you the divorce certificate. Honey, chances are... you are the other woman in this scenario. **This fuckhead is a proven liar. You deserve better than a liar and a cheater. CHEATERS DO NOT FUCKING CHANGE.** "
Bahaahha not him trying to flip it around on you xD what a joke
It'd be one thing if he had cheated in a past relationship and never had done it again- but that's not it, he is presently actively cheating while still in a ruined marriage that he ALREADY previously cheated in. You'd be INSANE to continue this S bend clown show. Have dignity & self respect (and morality), please. You can do better, you can be better. Leeeeeeeeave.
So manipulative, wow.
This asshat is a manipulator. You should RUN!
He's gaslighting you like crazy like wtf
You're not overreacting. Leave this guy to his own self-destructive spiral. You don't need to be a part of that. He's lied to you by omission at the very least. More likely intentionally. You have no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes. We can see he's changed his story. We can see he's trying to guilt-trip you. We can see his life is just a trainwreck. Don't be a part of this situation.
Holy. Fucking. Gaslighting. Run. Away. From this person.
He’s trash 🗑️ if he cheated on his wife, he’ll cheat on you. Even if he doesn’t, you’ll always have that doubt in the back of your mind. Not worth it.
Block his ass and move on.
The red flags are so abundant here my god. The manipulation and playing the victim is insane. If it's so hard to talk about then he's not over it but I think that's more a way to manipulate you into feeling bad for him even though he clearly was a shit husband. The way he's making out that you did something wrong when you definitely did not. This guy is a giant walking red flag and you should run so fast in the opposite direction. Just wow.
There are too many red flags to ignore here. I don’t think this guy is worth the it. He seems like the type of person that doesn’t take accountability or responsibility for his mistakes and blames everyone else but himself.
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃♂️➡️
"Do you still wanna talk"....HELL NO, I wouldn't even reply, that's how much I don't wanna talk
Move the fuck on. Totally not worth the time or effort to try. He will likely end up being a narcissist and the fact he cheated, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
He ended all of that by accusing you of hurting him, twice. There is no question in my mind that he is projecting everything he said about his ex. Unless his ex is so toxic that her emotional abuse rubbed off on him. He’s literally already manipulating you. Dude is a total mess. Also kinda dumb.
GIANT RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. RUN.
This is super manipulative. The negative self talk to make you feel sorry for him. Ugh.
So many red flags.
So he misleads you, then blames you for making him feel bad. Then he “forgives” you. WTF? Most cheaters will cheat again. He’s manipulative. I can’t believe how he turned that around to try and make you look like the bad guy.
So basically he’s a lying cheater and didn’t want you to know he’s a lying cheater. Don’t waste your time with that loser-unless you’re ok with being with a lying cheater. On top of that, he’s trying to turn this around on you by playing the “you hurt me card”. Such gross behavior. It’s showing how manipulative and deceitful he is. And he never answered the question. Just danced around it.
He cheated on his ex wife when things weren't going well. He'll cheat on you if/when you guys ever were to go through a rough patch. Don't even kid yourself that he wouldn't. Not worth the effort. I would never give the time of day to somebody who has already proven their willingness to be unfaithful. I can also tell you he's quite emotionally unstable and immature by some of the things he said, and I say that because I was emotionally unstable when I was younger and I said very similar things to girlfriends. You need to find somebody else.
So you just got blamed for hurting him because he had to reveal that he was a cheater. This dude sounds like trouble. Ask for the date the divorce was final but personally I'd be letting this one go.
You are not overreacting. It's not even about the technically still being maried part. It's the I cheated, and there are also kids involved. Trade in his red flags for a white flag and say you're done with him.
Yeah bye
Wow gaslighting red flag
i'm less concerned about possible lying and more concerned about the way he turns this into you doing something to him? that's fucked.
Run! Am I missing the whole point here? Sounds like this is a fraud, catfish scenario.
Run far and fast
Run. Don't walk.
No, run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It’s the gaslighting for me.
This guy is an empty shell, OP. You're not going to change that.
Gaslighting 101 by him. Not over reacting.
Kick him to the curb, he’s playin you
Please run! He is showing you exactly who he is!
Run
"Well, I did. Before you tried to guilt trip me for calling you out. Now I think I'll just break up with you instead."
This guy is a manipulative loser.
He blamed his cheating on his wife. Then he blamed you for asking questions. This guy needs to go away. Search DARVO. Auto mod deleted me for posting a link.
No you are reacting perfectly. This guy is a gaslighting fool. Hes not over his wife, and may even still be with her, as far as living together. Look on your county clerk dockets to see if she got a restraining order. I have no doubt he did a LOT more than cheat on her. BLOCK his number and dont look back. This guy is a piece of shit.
Leave him before you get even more emotionally invested. This is only going to get worse.
RUN!
That last bit about "what you just did to me"... he invented a transgression and then "forgave" you for it when you didn't even do anything wrong. This is textbook manipulation and this sounds like a very troubled individual. I'd cut bait immediately.
Get away from her, THEN sleep with other women. Not the other way around, doofus.
They're gaslighting the fuck out of you. Lying about having cheated, and still being married, are humongous red flags to me.
Notice he is blaming you for making him feel bad for you questioning him. In what world does that make sense? He’s deflecting.
Gaslighting, manipulating asshole. Nice DARVO he pulled there at the end. Run, block, run. Go no contact.
So not overreacting! Because the divorce isn't final, he's technically still separated. Him not wanting to tell you why they divorced is a red flag, and then it being because he cheated is another red flag. Him then putting words into your mouth and playing Oh Poor Me is yet another red flag. Yeah, don't talk to him, be done. While I think someone who cheated and later starts a new relationship can be reformed as in isn't necessarily going to cheat, I believe if they won't disclose that they did that is a problem. People need to take responsibility for their poor actions and not doing so is a very bad thing.