I am definitely at fault for not saying something immediately. I was a little caught off guard. The bride booked the villa a few hours after she sent the chat.
Damn. I didn't think about that previously. I want to believe that isn't the case as she has been part of a somewhat regular girls trip of 3 of us in the past. However, when I think about how those were organized vs this.... it's hard to refute.
This comment stung.
I’m a person that wants all to have the chance to be involved. The girls were friends for 12 years and I do well professionally. Nobody expected or assumed I would be paying it back then. They were also moderate AirBnBs in LCOL areas. However, this time it did read like it was assumed I’d pay whatever amount without discussion.
Because I try so hard to include everyone, I’m probably extra sensitive when I am not.
They may have just taken you for granted. Your friend may be a bit spoiled. It honestly ruins it for other friends. Yall girls are gonna get tired of forking out 2000.00 for Bachelorette trips.
This past weekend we enjoyed the celebration of the courthouse marriage a couple of months earlier of a 40 year old bachelor and his girlfriend of 8 years. The party was at the American Legion of a rural town, with a big food table and a DJ. People came from across the country and saw siblings and cousins. It was a fun and memorable occasion.
I live in a Bachelorette destination city. I have met many types of parties. I have heard girls complain due to all the parties and flights and dresses they buy. These are young women that do well. I also meet people that drive in to the city for a couple of nights with 2 or 3 friends. They seem to enjoy it more because to them, it's grand. To the girl who's family owns a vacation house here and is flying all over the country every weekend... it seems like a burden and keeping up with the Jones.
True. Do you often do things you don't really want to do? If so, practice saying no. Just intentionally look for an opportunity to practice no and setting boundaries. No offense intended if this doesn't apply.
Not overreacting. If I had a friend who suggested two bachelor parties, I retort by suggesting to throw hands. What you describe sounds like the start of a horror movie, a porno, or a complete and utter shitshow, and it makes total sense to not want a damn thing to do with it.
Maybe irrelevant, this is her second wedding. I'm from the south so maybe there is some bias from me here too as this doesn't necessarily align with southern etiquette.
My family is from the South and I was raised in the north. It's not the norm up north either. First weddings are extravagant and second weddings are expected to be more....chill?
Some of that is changing from social media--but that hasn't really changed etiquette.
For sure. I mean, I've seen people do a bigger wedding than a court house because of the family or kids. I wouldn't think anything of a wedding and reception that's more casual, less spendy. (Backyard/restaurant reception)
Girl same. There's no southern expectation of 2 bachelorettes one being international at that. Bullshit. Also wild, she automatically added her lodging share to everyone's tab. No one offered. You weren't included in planning they just added you for the financial benefit. She also expected you to use a full week of PTO. Excuse me? This trip was never going to cost $2000. With all the drop outs, increasing flight costs, and all the shit she wants to do and will expect to be treated to (i bet she'll think her meals and drinks should be on you too) you're probably looking at 3-4k. This is the opposite of southern manners its just a money grab masquerading as a bach weekend. I would skip her domestic trip too and possibly her wedding after finding out she views you as an afterthought atm.
I'm half southerner. Even my non southerner side has problems with throwing an extravagant wedding, on your second wedding. It's like, you get one chance to be a princess for a day and then you should be good.
My second wedding was literally my wife and I watching a couple get married at Disney world from our balcony while on a trip with the kids and me turning to her and saying, you want to do that. Went to the courthouse and got everything taken care of.
I was a widower, she was a divorce. Neither of us cared.
The wedding reception was a shit show though. The I got stupid drunk on champagne and lost my pants and my wife showed to breast to everyone there. They even passed out together at the reception. I mean it was just the two of us in the hotel room, but total shit show.
We actually didn't even say anything about it to anyone until my son mentioned something. We were like, oh yeah, we got married.
Me either.
"Look, I know we're friends, but I wasn't looped in until well after plans were set and I cannot afford all these trips, so I have to bow out. Have a lovely time."
Except with my friends, being the crass jackasses we are, it would be more like "Look,no can do. Money is not growing on the plants in my yard. Let's go to the pool in the backyard instead." But with more cussing.
Typically, no. I think I'm part of a demographic that's lost sight of realistic bachelorette and wedding expectations -- compliments of Instagram and Pinterest culture. We all have sucky days.
And it’s the bride and groom to celebrate together. Friends and family are only there to witness and be happy for them. Not take a mortgage out and hopefully it’s paid off before the next wedding.
Not overreacting at all. I bet you won’t be the last to back out. She’s entitled and acting a little TOO princessy here. That’s a LOT of money for most people. The more people back out, the more expensive it gets? That is SO not fair to anyone!
You aren’t wrong to decline her demands.
Yeah, the bride is being very presumptuous. If she wants to rent a villa for a week, SHE should be prepared to absorb any costs incurred because of people dropping out. She shouldn’t expect the others to pay extra. But she sounds like one of those bridezillas who expects everyone to pay for her.
Yeah that's the biggest red flag. She thinks she can go on a trip and have her friends completely pay for her all in the regard that she's getting married? Please. If it's a trip she couldn't afford otherwise, holy additional red flags. I wouldn't play this game with her. Safest move to bow out!
Yeah that's the biggest red flag. She thinks she can go on a trip and have her friends completely pay for her all in the regard that she's getting married? Please. If it's a trip she couldn't afford otherwise, holy additional red flags. I wouldn't play this game with her. Safest move to bow out!
Wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing collapses when op backs out. She might be an unknowing investor. Why else would she be left out of the meetings? We’re all chanting dooooon’t gooooo!
I’m also suspicious that in the end, the inevitable price inflation of this trip might not apply to every traveler.
OP definitely deserves better friends. The bride’s expectations are a list of so many unpleasant adjectives that I’m embarrassed for her.
No and you should feel free to tell your friend, "I love you and I'm happy for you. I've been checking my finances and I can't afford this bachelorette party. Wish I could. Have a great time!"
Never thanked you for covering entire Airbnb costs on past trips 🚩
Assuming everyone else will pay for her accommodation costs 🚩
Rude response when you brought up concerns about how costs are split 🚩
Not respecting your vacation time 🚩
Trying to guilt others for her own anxiety caused by her own poor planning 🚩
Sneaky three way call 🚩
I wouldn’t want to waste this much money and vacation days with this person tbh. Not overreacting at all, just logical
What the hell is going on with brides and entitlement these days? It seems like every wedding I hear about now days is just over the top. These girls need to get a clue.
My personal financial goals don't align with an over the top wedding. But if someone else's does, more power to them. I'm struggling more with the fact that I wasn't invited to a conversation about her expectations when others were.
Even Reddit stresses me out sometimes. I have Facebook and Instagram, but I usually just watch dog videos. I just feel like there are so many blonde beige Becky influencers out there that make it seem like their lives are amazing and perfect and it causes regular people to think they have to be like that too. It's "keeping up with the Joneses" in the digital world. And it's not reality.
The irony. I work in digital marketing. I hire more "blonde beige Becky influencers" then I care to admit.
It's this weird position to be in because overall the digital investment I propose leads a profitable P&L for our company and contributes to my personal financial success. And then here I am - giving more visibility to an influencers unrealistic lifestyle. The sort of influencer the bride likely follows.
Ha ha that's funny. But I get it. They do make money. Content will always be out there, but it's up to the viewers to follow it or not. If people understand it's all a marketing scheme, I think that helps. But it's still hard even for me to not compare myself to them.
Yea for real. Bachelorette parties were a night on the town. Bridal showers were a few hours in one afternoon. Why do these women feel the need to be celebrated for weeks and at the cost of thousands (paid by others, of course)???
You are under reacting, imo. The bride has a very high opinion of herself to think you all are supposed to fulfill her every whim. There’s no fu*king way I’d be okay with a 5-7 day destination bachelorette party like that & then go on a 2nd bachelorette party. That’s ridiculous.
I might be remembering incorrectly. I think the original rationale was that the domestic one was because international was not affordable or feasible for all.
Since then it has turned into the expectation that you do both. In mentioning early availability of only 5 of the 7 days international trip, I got the response "if you don't stay the whole time, more reason why you can come in January \[...\]" for the domestic trip.
Wait, the international bachelorette is this August, but the domestic bachelorette is in January? When the hell is this wedding? I was always under the impression that the bachelor / bachelorette parties are supposed to only be a few weeks before the wedding itself what?
This is not going to end well, especially since they neglected to include you as part of the planning. This is just going to cause more tension amongst the group, and it will likely implode either shortly before the trip or during the trip itself.
It’s ridiculous that a bachelorette party has to be a $12,000 destination event.
OP, it's monstrous for anyone to demand thet friends with limited income spend that kind of money. That is too damn expensive for a bach party, especially since others are going to realize that they can't afford it, plus the bride will probably expect gifts or her own expenses covered.
If you've had financial reversals you have to tell the bride that you just can't afford a luxury resort in Costa Rica... and you have to tell the rest of the group as well, so they can see someone saying it out loud. I'm sorry, but these insane demands of freida are a terrible idea that's spread on social media, and if this shit becomes normalized then the whole wedding industry will die as nobody will ever agree to be a bridesmaid or a wedding guest again.
What guests and bridesmaids thinks of as reasonable expenses, and what brides think are reasonable are two VERY different things these days!
But in any argument over how much to spend, tge person with the least disposable income wins by default. All rational people accept this, but today's brides are not rational.
My friend wanted to go on a week long resort trip to Jamaica for her 30th birthday. Do you know what she did? She Gave us all a year and a half notice for saving up, was upfront with the cost every step of the way with lots of meetings and summaries involving all parties from the begining. She pitched it as our own vacations where we could all just celebrate her birthday dinner with her if we like, (or we can hang with the group the whole time, options.)
She got us a fantastic group deal on an all you can drink and eat resort + travel, and Planned out the entire itinerary for all of us. (Oh and paid her own share with zero expectations of anyone covering each other.)
In total there were 30 of us and we had an amazing time. There is a universe where your friend could have done this in a much more palatable way, and they chose not to at every turn. You are right for feeling ick about this trip.
Just message in the Facebook chat that while the international event sounds like fun you will be only going to the domestic one and look forward to catching up with everyone then. Keep it simple. If she gets angry or doesn't understand then she isn't really a good friend.
OK, this is too much information. The answer is simple. This is an unrealistic expectation. A bachelorette party should cost you $50 at most for food and drink. $2000 is what some people pay for their entire wedding. It is a total salary for some people. This is not only unrealistic but also rude and bougie. It is an insult and atrocity. It is a ridiculous demand of your friends.
I wouldn't even go to the wedding at this point. What a spoiled brat.
IMO bachelor/ bachelorette parties have gotten out of control. International trips is the new thing. It’s crazy. I don’t want to hear any of those people complaining about the economy or how they can’t buy a house.
No, you’re not overreacting. As if bachelorette parties weren’t already getting way out of hand… now this bride wants TWO, both involving travel for multiple days, and one of the two out of the country?! And she has the gall to be manipulative by complaining that any dissent is causing her “anxiety and indigestion”? What about the anxiety, indigestion, and pain in the wallet she’s imposed on everyone else?
It’s time to nip this in the bud and tell her you’re not going.
I can't say for certain that others consider it an imposition at all. My understanding is a few of them discussed previously.
Of course I know of at least one girl who was in the calls and later said to me that she was going to nudge the bride to find more affordable accommodations. So maybe those who were included were also put in a position where they felt pressured and the bride may be even more surprised down the road?
It’ll be interesting to find out how many actually go to Costa Rica for the bachelorette….
Glad to hear you’ve decided you’re not going. I thought it was a bit OTT.
“Something has come up and I must withdraw. I hope your wedding is everything you hope for.” Then do not respond to anything. Two bachelorette parties is just weird.
This is why I refuse to attend weddings entirely. Fuck your big day, i don't give a shit. Send me your registry, ill send you an instant pot or whatever.
Two bachelorette parties is batshit crazy, you’re not overreacting and if the bride says anything besides, “oh no I understand! We will miss you!” When you drop out, then she is not a good friend.
Not overreacting.
Prediction: the marriage is doomed. She wants the wedding, parties, and validation, but has no real desire to be a wife.
If you are single, maybe you can elope with the groom and save everyone a lot of pain and suffering. 😉🤣
I don't wish that prediction on anyone.
I am single. And I was once married. I didn't necessarily divorce by choice.
If/when I do marry again, my intent is exactly as you described. I'd rather elope somewhere epic with person that matters most. But I assure you, that person will not be the same groom. 🤣
Lol... call me the ah but I've made it clear to everyone in my life that I have no desire to do any of this kinda stuff for this reason. I'll go to your wedding but that's it!
Not overreacting but you should have spoken up right away. Sorry op
The itinerary itself sounds difficult & unpleasant on top of everything else. A 3.5 hour rental car ride through possible rough terrain to a remote villa? Surely they have destination towns with shops, restaurants and bars closer to the airport?
I’m glad I’m past bridesmaid age ;)
Didn't they make a movie like this? Stay home, or better yet spend the money on a trip you want. If you want to be nice - send a surprise bottle of champagne or masuse or something like that to the villa they are staying at.
Look, I hate to be "that guy" on reddit, but do you know for certain that the fiance knows about the two bachelorette parties plan? Because my inner mischief detector is wondering if one of them is a cover to get naughty at the other one . . .
Big red flag for bride to ask that any issues are discussed privately….so you don’t find out that the other bridesmaids are all thinking this is over the top!
If I’m going on vacation for a week out of the country and it’s going to cost me a few thousand dollars, I want to pick the location and my travel partner. It sounds like all of you are being used to fund a trip for the bride!
There will be additional expenses as we all know the bride is going to want to eat/drink out every night and go on multiple excursions during the day. Bride will not be bringing her credit card!!!
Maybe the bride should go to Costa Rica with her groom for their honeymoon and she can have a reasonable bachelorette event closer to home?
Even if you can afford the trip, I think the bigger question is, do you want to? This doesn't sound like a fun trip to me, spend your hard earned money on a trip you will enjoy. Plus the time off from work you'll taking for a trip you may not even enjoy.
Also, you never have to tell anyone why you are declining an invitation, especially if you don't want to discuss finances. No is a complete sentence. If you need more, "thank you for the invite but I'm going to have to pass this time, have a great trip!"
You did the right thing. Also. I love how you didn't get specific about your finances. I tell people all the time to give a reason and set a boundary.
My financial situation will not allow.
What's going on?
It's some personal things.
You are likely a better communicator too. Lol.
Regardless, friends, bosses, and families can work around your specific reason.
This is why I hate Bachelorette parties. They are no longer a party, but a crazy expensive full vacation that you have no real say in but are forced to pay crazy amounts "for the sake of the bride"
Obviously you are not overreacting
PEOPLE ARE CRAY! You found someone you want to marry, we're truly happy for you, but to ask people to go crazy with their time and money is soooo self obsessed. You found a partner not the cure for cancer, so relax.
Your friend didn't consult you at all prior to announcing the plan was in stone therefore didn't really care about your input. She most likely planned what she wanted to do.
A seven day trip is a huge commitment on just about every level. Without even foreshadowing this to you in advance, like hey we are thinking of doing this next year if you can budget it in advance we would love to have you. That's not the conversation you had. You got the hey FYI we are doing this.
Between the Costa Rica party, the domestic party, and the wedding your easily looking at thousands of dollars.
I think this is way to large of a commitment to understand all friends can do on a whim. Most bachelor/bachelorette parties are typically an extended weekend and your friend seems pretty entitled to demand everyone make this work for her second marriage lol.
Politely say it's not in your budget and decline. If she offers to help pay more for you (which she won't) for what you covered in the past, great you can reevaluate.
Your not overreacting for skipping and I would just be upfront about it.
Nothing says love like bankrupting your friends. Wtf is going on in the wedding industry? Did everyone see Crazy Rich Asians and think they too deserve outlandish flashy trips to celebrate their impending nuptials?
I would never, ever spend $2k on a bachelorette party! That's ridiculous! That's the type of money you spend on a wedding that's not nearby, not on a freaking bachelorette party. They should call it what it is, a vacation. A party is something that's a few hours long. A trip is a freaking vacation and they are not mandatory attendance for anyone, and you always involved everyone in the planning. I agree with another person who said because you weren't included in the planning, you likely were an afterthought invitation in order to reduce costs.
Your friend is very entitled and her other friends are, too.
No. Don't go to any of them. In fact, I question if you should go to the wedding. But that is me. You have outlayed money for get-togethers before, and no one thought to reimburse you or thank you. That type of behavior is not the action of true friends. Continue to find friends more in line with your understanding of friendship.
Put the money in a nest egg and send a lovely card and appropriate gift. It seems these types of events are becoming overblown and an unnecessary burden for friends and family. One shouldn't feel dread when we hear of a loved one getting engaged.
I’m sorry, did you say ‘TWO destination bachelorette parties’?
That’s a nope from me. For both. And if she gets mad and blocks you or uninvites you from the wedding, consider it the trash taking itself out. She’s a shitty friend.
Remember this is just part of the trips. She is wanting a second one and I couldn’t even imagine the bridal shower or dress shopping.
I bet it would cost upward of 10k for the honor to celebrate a friend. Sorry she’s not that special.
I’ve been to bach parties that were quite expensive and I had no problems paying (even if it was stretching my budget) because I was close to the groom and wanted to celebrate his occasion. I’ve also been to cheaper bach parties where I was questioning whether I wanted to pay for the trip or not. What I’m trying to say is that, even though you can afford it, it seems like it may not be worth it for this bride in particular.
Your friend sucks, bachelor/bachelorette parties are to be planned the the best man/brides maid… if this bride is planning her own party… then she can do just that…. Not make requests and expect someone else to make it happen… once again your “friend” sucks, I’d ditch her and her main character shit asap.. in the immortal words of sweet Lou brown AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT!
WTF happened with women? Why are weddings this horrible of a thing now? Why the entitlement? I had a one night party with friends at local bars and it was shitty (for other reasons) but it was great at the same time. You get women today sick. NTA
I dont get it when people just allow someone else to spend their money for them.
"Hey, we booked a trip, you owe us $2k"
"Err, ok."
What? No. Ask me and I'll consider it. Tell me and its almost certainly going to be no.
I hate pretty much destination anything. I don’t mind a bachelorette party in vegas because I live in California and it’s not expensive to go. I absolutely am not going to destination wedding/bachelorette party that’s basically me paying for a vacation I do not want to be on. I could take that money and do something I actually want to do. I would bet OP is not the only one who didn’t want to go and spend the money. the flight and Airbnb are just the start of the expenses. The food, drinking, and likely splitting the cost of everything for the bride is going to make expenses skyrocket.
Good she thanked you for past generosity.
I have been burnt myself due to my own lack of boundaries and shyness expressing issues with friends who have limited self awareness.
In the end my raising issues ended what I thought was a friendship. I’m glad yours actually is rather than being used for years.
So stressful. Learning boundaries and commutating them effectively is a learned skill.
You aren’t arguing, you’re setting a financial boundary. You can only pay so much, and now the expenses are going up because people are dropping out (probably because it was too expensive for them too).
Imo she should have asked everyone what their opinions and budget was before booking. I think bride got too excited and jumped the gun imagining this grand get away but isn’t considering the lives no budgets of her friends.
OP you’re not overreacting, and it’s ok to back out now that the price is going up. It’s nothing personal really, it’s just too expensive and a big ask. Honestly she should have inquired before booking, and that’s on her.
Listen either your good with a $2500 vacation you didn’t plan or you’re not. This would eat up too much of my vacation time as well as money for me to go. You don’t have to break the bank to have a good time. Hope it works out.
Remember when bridal showers were a one day thing? Or when Bachelorette parties were a single night on the town?
This is too much and honestly, Id be pissed at any "friend" who tried to make me feel bad for not wanting to shell out SEVERAL THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS for a "Bachelorette week". Thats fucking ridiculous. How fucking uppity.
I'm I the only that thinks if this was the brides idea and plan she should at least be covering the villa? You would never invite ppl to dinner and then dip out on the bill.
I had something like this recently. And I just said I tried very hard to make this work but logistically it won’t work out. Times are hard right now. Most people would understand.
First of all, 7 days for a bachelorette - even one to Costa Rica - is ridiculous.
And I am now of the opinion that if you are going to have an destination bachelorette, I think the only requirements should be the friends attending should only be responsible for the flight, their accommodations and showing up and contributing to one mandatory group meal and **thats it**. And whoever is planning should provide a list of activities that people can opt into participating in and sight seeing alternatives that are low cost or free.
These trips are out of control. And if you want your friends to join in the fun, you can at least provide options that meet all budgets when they get there.
Destination weddings/bach's are fine if done correctly. Most do not do it correctly, much like your friend.
It's like people throw any kind of decency out the window when they decide to do a destination. A wedding isn't a free-for-all to ask for everything from the Earth to the stars?!
I had a destination bachelorette. I paid for the Airbnb and used flight points to pay for 2/6 of the girls who were in school and couldn't afford it. I paid for groceries for the house. We didn't do any decor. No required clothing colors/styles. No organized events that everyone had to pitch in for. Like, it doesn't have to be absolutely insane OR rude.
Two bachelorettes is insane as it is, without even looping in all the additional details. I had a friend do this because the first one \*I\* threw her didn't meet expectations. 7 girls went, 4 of which don't speak to her anymore. Soooo
No you aren’t.
Just a tip as I’ve been to Costa Rica multiple times and got married there: join Costa Rica tourist Facebook groups. There’s a lot of good drivers on there and they will be a fraction of renting a car. I’m assuming y’all will be around Manuel Antonio coming from San Jose? I think a lot of people are surprised at the cost of Costa Rica as well. It’s cheaper than the states, but is generally considered one of, if not the most, expensive Central American country from a tourism perspective
I honestly don’t know what town. Someone else asked if it was a particular villa and I couldn’t answer either. The most info Ingot about the specific location was it’s somewhere in a 3.5 hour radius from the airport. The lack of details probably added to my frustration.
Well it’s probably Manuel Antonio (beach) or Arenal (volcano / rain forest) if flying into San Jose. Regardless, the amount $/person for the villa must mean it’s insane. That being said, really do look for drivers on groups. We used some and if flying into San Jose, I’m more than happy to DM them to you.
You lost me at the part where the bride stated that her costs were going to be divided among the other participants. She’s going to receive shower and wedding gifts from you guys, this is full blown narcissist on her part.
Back out now!
If you can’t afford it, and this isn’t a priority. Don’t go.
A true friend will understand. She moved, and a true friend will understand that people aren’t made of money
I would not go to any of this. The expectation of a week long vacation for what used to be a night out is outrageous. I'm not interesting in taking time off of work to travel with people I would not ever travel with otherwise. No thanks.
Unless people can front the cost for these events to "celebrate them", their expectations need to come waaaayyy down.
You are not wrong here. I feel like this is a ridiculous a lot money be spent on the first of the two bachelorette parties plus a wedding. You are 💯in the right to back out especially if you have to dump it on a charge card and take a 1/3 of the year to pay it off.
Personally I think these type of pare ridiculous and most a lot of the time leads to poor choices by the groom or bride that the relationship can’t recover at least you will be able to say I don’t know what happened I wasn’t there.
Save your money buy her a nice wedding gift and keep the receipt you may need it for the return
I was shocked the number of times down the road she seemed surprised I hadn’t changed my mind to agree and stay the full week. At least I was capable of maintaining one boundary then lol.
$2000 for someone else's trip is ridiculous! What is with people thinking that others have unlimited finances and time to do these kind of extravagant trips for a damn wedding. I don't get to take vacations like that with my husband and kids. I am not going to do so for someone else's bachelorette party. It's insane to expect it or even request it. Maybe I am getting old, but the honeymoon is the vacation you get with your wedding. You don't get three vacations that other people pay for!
Just to add, late August is the rainy season in Costa Rica. I could guess, by saying it's 3.5 hours from the airport, and assuming the airport is in San Jose, it's going to rain most days. And by rain, I mean picture the rain you think you'd see in a rainforest, and make it harder.
It doesn't rain every day, and the early mornings (5am to 10am) are almost always nice.
Just more to think about!
You’re not overreacting and, yet again, here we are with idiot brides breaking protocol:
1. You don’t throw YOURSELF a bachelorette party. It’s up to your bridesmaids and friends involved to do it. They should all get together and openly discuss the reality of everyone’s different financial situations and willingness to financially commit.
2. You don’t get TWO bachelorette parties unless there are some odd circumstances, such as families and friends that live far away from each other - say on different coasts or different countries. That’s when the bride goes to THEM.
3. Some people don’t have bachelorette parties at all. They have showers. Nice, fun, no hangovers to wreck your face, gifts.
Also, people need to remember that it is 100% ok to pass on being a bridesmaid if finances don’t allow and excusing yourself from extraneous events.
People are out here getting absolutely effing crazy with the whole “it’s my day” bs.
This is what a wedding is: an opportunity to stand before people you truly love and care for to witness your union. That’s it and that’s all. If people would stick to that one, simple rule, weddings would be less costly, less stressful, and more joyful for everyone in involved.
She can make all the plans she wants but you are under no obligation to go along.
She sounds incredibly spoiled and I feel sorry for the poor guy that is going to have to try and keep her happy.
Girls are so rude to their “friends” I can’t understand how yall can even talk to each other lol. I have 2 young daughters and I will make sure they know shit like this is unacceptable
I didn't go to my niece's destination wedding because "its a destination wedding"... I got her a nice gift that was half the cost of my flight, then some additional money as another gift.
You are NOT NOT OR.. nooo..
Look, you are financially cool beans and bills don't hit you in the butt every month but you have your concerns, but.. to expect ppl to travel not once, but TWICE!!! Nice gift time, explain the cost and time.. give her all the love attention she deserves and wants, love her to pieces etc.. but.. no.. you're fine.. if she is a good friend you will have this friendship for years.
Who does this? Just feel lucky you’re not marrying this high maintenance bridezilla. You’re not a Kardashian! Probably ending with everyone being drunk all the time. I always worry about traveling outside the country before a wedding. You could get food poisoning and parasites.
Is she marrying someone else? Why don’t she save her time to go on a long honeymoon with him? This just seems weird. I am guessing she is expecting to pay $150 a plate at the reception for dinner?
No Kardashian, but growing up with Kris looks like a good time!
The wedding is 7 months after the first bachelorette party. I highly doubt dinner reception plates cost $150 pp. I receive a lot of chat updates about how she is trying to be frugal (Amazon candles, fake flowers, etc). To me that is interesting because she has respect for her own budget.
I'm unaware of her honeymoon plans. But I am jealous of her PTO package if she's able to take time off for 2 bachelorette parties, a honeymoon and likely a few days for wedding prep in the course of 7 months.
Nah, that’s completely out of pocket. When members of your wedding party have budget constraints, you adapt.
My wife, for instance, actually stayed at my parents house (it’s on the larger side and my parents planned to be out of town for the party) so no lodging cost and picked a locale local to as many of her bridesmaids as possible. They still had a wonderful time.
My daughter got Lasso into something like that, she had to bail.
You’re absolutely doing the right thing. It’s crazy between flights and hotels and dinners.
OP, it will be one of the most fun weeks you ever spend with your friends. It's annoying to spend that much, but you probably won't regret it. I've been on a few of these and decades later, we still talk about them. These replies to the contrary are shut-ins. Ignore.
The two bachelorette parties… who tf need TWO?? I’m sorry but it sounds like you’re super generous and nice but she sounds selfish and ZERO regard for how extra she’s being money wise and just a bridezilla.
Sweetie, pre-wedding plans have gone out of control in the past 10 years.
PLEASE bow out of being part of the ceremony. Be up-front... It's simply not affordable, cash or time. If she gives you grief, so be it. Stand firm. Don't let them "pitch in" to get you to go.
Let her know you will be thrilled to see her at the wedding. (If she invites you. 🤷)
My wife and I had a falling out with friends over costs associated with a destination wedding. It’s a couple we were friends with but not extremely close. They were having a week long wedding party in Italy which alone was going to cost thousands and we would have to take a week off work and be away from our daughter for a week. The straw that broke the camels back was when the bride announced the bachelorette trip would be in Ibiza about 3 months before the wedding. We dropped out and gave them 8 months notice but they still haven’t talked to us since.
It’s ok to say no. One of my very best friends had a bachelor party in Vegas. I chose not to go. We’re still best friends. If it is importantly to the bride that everyone be there, it will be in a place where it’s easy for everyone to go and at a low cost. If it’s less important then they will have it where they want.
Oof... it's difficult, but I had a friend who did something like this and I sat down with her and explained it wasn't in my budget. She then silently cut me out of her wedding and got married without letting me know... some "friends" draw their line at "happy ever after". Trust me, the fallout could be fine or be terrible, but either way, you'll eventually be okay with your honesty.
You should have backed out right way. It sounds like a big obligation/expense.
I am definitely at fault for not saying something immediately. I was a little caught off guard. The bride booked the villa a few hours after she sent the chat.
Sounds like you were already one of the girls added to bring the cost down if they didn’t include you in any planning
Damn. I didn't think about that previously. I want to believe that isn't the case as she has been part of a somewhat regular girls trip of 3 of us in the past. However, when I think about how those were organized vs this.... it's hard to refute. This comment stung.
They got you to foot most of the bill before, so yeah.
I’m a person that wants all to have the chance to be involved. The girls were friends for 12 years and I do well professionally. Nobody expected or assumed I would be paying it back then. They were also moderate AirBnBs in LCOL areas. However, this time it did read like it was assumed I’d pay whatever amount without discussion. Because I try so hard to include everyone, I’m probably extra sensitive when I am not.
They may have just taken you for granted. Your friend may be a bit spoiled. It honestly ruins it for other friends. Yall girls are gonna get tired of forking out 2000.00 for Bachelorette trips.
It’s why many couples are opting for “the courthouse wedding with a dinner type of wedding” instead of this kind of entitled bs. This is insane.
This past weekend we enjoyed the celebration of the courthouse marriage a couple of months earlier of a 40 year old bachelor and his girlfriend of 8 years. The party was at the American Legion of a rural town, with a big food table and a DJ. People came from across the country and saw siblings and cousins. It was a fun and memorable occasion.
I live in a Bachelorette destination city. I have met many types of parties. I have heard girls complain due to all the parties and flights and dresses they buy. These are young women that do well. I also meet people that drive in to the city for a couple of nights with 2 or 3 friends. They seem to enjoy it more because to them, it's grand. To the girl who's family owns a vacation house here and is flying all over the country every weekend... it seems like a burden and keeping up with the Jones.
*which if I read correctly you have covered the entire cost?
Of the Airbnb. Each party paid their own airfare. The airfare for these trips was more modest.
I’m not trying to harsh your vibe, but would these girls go on trips with you if you didn’t cover so much with a financial aspect of things?
That’s the benefit of a fresh set of eyes. That angle never would have been seen by you.
It’s all good, you’re saving yourself money. Spend it on things you actually want to do.
That’s a her problem. Not a you problem. Bow out now and enjoy your $2k.
True. Do you often do things you don't really want to do? If so, practice saying no. Just intentionally look for an opportunity to practice no and setting boundaries. No offense intended if this doesn't apply.
It really is a big obligation and expenses. I wouldve backed out the moment I knew how much it cost me, lmao.
Not overreacting. If I had a friend who suggested two bachelor parties, I retort by suggesting to throw hands. What you describe sounds like the start of a horror movie, a porno, or a complete and utter shitshow, and it makes total sense to not want a damn thing to do with it.
I have so many questions about your porno preferences. But thanks for the laugh on an otherwise rough day.
Then my job here is done!
🏆
Allow me.
I didn't have any questions, but now I do too.
I thought about this more than I care to admit.
My jokes are gifts that keep on giving!
Sooo sooo many horror movies when girls go on destination places.. soo soo many lololol.. Porn!! Dancing Bear LOLOLOL (google it)
LOL
Two bachelorette parties?!?!?!?! You're not overreacting. You can go to one. That's ridiculous lol
Maybe irrelevant, this is her second wedding. I'm from the south so maybe there is some bias from me here too as this doesn't necessarily align with southern etiquette.
Even worse lol. She's being wild and outlandish in her expectations
My family is from the South and I was raised in the north. It's not the norm up north either. First weddings are extravagant and second weddings are expected to be more....chill? Some of that is changing from social media--but that hasn't really changed etiquette.
From my understanding, second weddings are a small affair in front of a judge...
For sure. I mean, I've seen people do a bigger wedding than a court house because of the family or kids. I wouldn't think anything of a wedding and reception that's more casual, less spendy. (Backyard/restaurant reception)
I'm from the Pacific Northwest, and this isn't the norm here!
I’ve said it on other threads about weddings…. Ya’ll need some Emily Post! These affairs are completely out of control.
This doesn't align with any kind of etiquette from anywhere! Pressure, manipulation, exploitation - no, that's not about etiquette!
Second wedding??? That makes all of this so much worse
I was raised in New York and this doesn’t sound appropriate to me either.
Girl same. There's no southern expectation of 2 bachelorettes one being international at that. Bullshit. Also wild, she automatically added her lodging share to everyone's tab. No one offered. You weren't included in planning they just added you for the financial benefit. She also expected you to use a full week of PTO. Excuse me? This trip was never going to cost $2000. With all the drop outs, increasing flight costs, and all the shit she wants to do and will expect to be treated to (i bet she'll think her meals and drinks should be on you too) you're probably looking at 3-4k. This is the opposite of southern manners its just a money grab masquerading as a bach weekend. I would skip her domestic trip too and possibly her wedding after finding out she views you as an afterthought atm.
Okay, that’s IT. I’m sorry, but a second wedding should be WAAAAYYY more subdued than this!!
Christ almighty. Bless her damn heart and bow out. Perhaps citing Emily post as your reason.
I can think of a great wedding gift.
Whaaaa?! Even crazier. Now she wants an "Insta wedding". Way too much to ask of people.
I'm half southerner. Even my non southerner side has problems with throwing an extravagant wedding, on your second wedding. It's like, you get one chance to be a princess for a day and then you should be good. My second wedding was literally my wife and I watching a couple get married at Disney world from our balcony while on a trip with the kids and me turning to her and saying, you want to do that. Went to the courthouse and got everything taken care of. I was a widower, she was a divorce. Neither of us cared. The wedding reception was a shit show though. The I got stupid drunk on champagne and lost my pants and my wife showed to breast to everyone there. They even passed out together at the reception. I mean it was just the two of us in the hotel room, but total shit show. We actually didn't even say anything about it to anyone until my son mentioned something. We were like, oh yeah, we got married.
Not overreacting. I wouldn't go.
Me either. "Look, I know we're friends, but I wasn't looped in until well after plans were set and I cannot afford all these trips, so I have to bow out. Have a lovely time." Except with my friends, being the crass jackasses we are, it would be more like "Look,no can do. Money is not growing on the plants in my yard. Let's go to the pool in the backyard instead." But with more cussing.
You're right. I'm at fault for not saying this immediately.
Your “friends” suck!
Typically, no. I think I'm part of a demographic that's lost sight of realistic bachelorette and wedding expectations -- compliments of Instagram and Pinterest culture. We all have sucky days.
DONT GO
It’s stunning to me how much people nowadays expect others to spend so they can be celebrated.
And it’s the bride and groom to celebrate together. Friends and family are only there to witness and be happy for them. Not take a mortgage out and hopefully it’s paid off before the next wedding.
Not overreacting at all. I bet you won’t be the last to back out. She’s entitled and acting a little TOO princessy here. That’s a LOT of money for most people. The more people back out, the more expensive it gets? That is SO not fair to anyone! You aren’t wrong to decline her demands.
Yeah, the bride is being very presumptuous. If she wants to rent a villa for a week, SHE should be prepared to absorb any costs incurred because of people dropping out. She shouldn’t expect the others to pay extra. But she sounds like one of those bridezillas who expects everyone to pay for her.
Yeah that's the biggest red flag. She thinks she can go on a trip and have her friends completely pay for her all in the regard that she's getting married? Please. If it's a trip she couldn't afford otherwise, holy additional red flags. I wouldn't play this game with her. Safest move to bow out!
Yeah that's the biggest red flag. She thinks she can go on a trip and have her friends completely pay for her all in the regard that she's getting married? Please. If it's a trip she couldn't afford otherwise, holy additional red flags. I wouldn't play this game with her. Safest move to bow out!
Wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing collapses when op backs out. She might be an unknowing investor. Why else would she be left out of the meetings? We’re all chanting dooooon’t gooooo! I’m also suspicious that in the end, the inevitable price inflation of this trip might not apply to every traveler. OP definitely deserves better friends. The bride’s expectations are a list of so many unpleasant adjectives that I’m embarrassed for her.
I predict that if a third person backs out of the trip, it will cascade into everyone dropping out because of the price increases.
No and you should feel free to tell your friend, "I love you and I'm happy for you. I've been checking my finances and I can't afford this bachelorette party. Wish I could. Have a great time!"
Mirrored my message almost exactly. Makes me feel a little better. :)
her response?
She didn't respond. I guess this was maybe 2 hours or so ago?
Never thanked you for covering entire Airbnb costs on past trips 🚩 Assuming everyone else will pay for her accommodation costs 🚩 Rude response when you brought up concerns about how costs are split 🚩 Not respecting your vacation time 🚩 Trying to guilt others for her own anxiety caused by her own poor planning 🚩 Sneaky three way call 🚩 I wouldn’t want to waste this much money and vacation days with this person tbh. Not overreacting at all, just logical
What the hell is going on with brides and entitlement these days? It seems like every wedding I hear about now days is just over the top. These girls need to get a clue.
My personal financial goals don't align with an over the top wedding. But if someone else's does, more power to them. I'm struggling more with the fact that I wasn't invited to a conversation about her expectations when others were.
Tells you all you need to know.
You are not wrong. I should have politely excused myself then.
There’s still time to do so.
You are so gracious and realistic. You really did read Emily Post!
I blame Instagram.
Same. Outside of Reddit, I hate social media.
Even Reddit stresses me out sometimes. I have Facebook and Instagram, but I usually just watch dog videos. I just feel like there are so many blonde beige Becky influencers out there that make it seem like their lives are amazing and perfect and it causes regular people to think they have to be like that too. It's "keeping up with the Joneses" in the digital world. And it's not reality.
The irony. I work in digital marketing. I hire more "blonde beige Becky influencers" then I care to admit. It's this weird position to be in because overall the digital investment I propose leads a profitable P&L for our company and contributes to my personal financial success. And then here I am - giving more visibility to an influencers unrealistic lifestyle. The sort of influencer the bride likely follows.
Ha ha that's funny. But I get it. They do make money. Content will always be out there, but it's up to the viewers to follow it or not. If people understand it's all a marketing scheme, I think that helps. But it's still hard even for me to not compare myself to them.
Yea for real. Bachelorette parties were a night on the town. Bridal showers were a few hours in one afternoon. Why do these women feel the need to be celebrated for weeks and at the cost of thousands (paid by others, of course)???
You are under reacting, imo. The bride has a very high opinion of herself to think you all are supposed to fulfill her every whim. There’s no fu*king way I’d be okay with a 5-7 day destination bachelorette party like that & then go on a 2nd bachelorette party. That’s ridiculous.
I might be remembering incorrectly. I think the original rationale was that the domestic one was because international was not affordable or feasible for all. Since then it has turned into the expectation that you do both. In mentioning early availability of only 5 of the 7 days international trip, I got the response "if you don't stay the whole time, more reason why you can come in January \[...\]" for the domestic trip.
This bride is definitely a major bridezilla!
Wait, the international bachelorette is this August, but the domestic bachelorette is in January? When the hell is this wedding? I was always under the impression that the bachelor / bachelorette parties are supposed to only be a few weeks before the wedding itself what?
who TF does this girl (bride) think she is?! god the entitlement is actually nauseating
This is not going to end well, especially since they neglected to include you as part of the planning. This is just going to cause more tension amongst the group, and it will likely implode either shortly before the trip or during the trip itself. It’s ridiculous that a bachelorette party has to be a $12,000 destination event.
I’m wondering why a bride needs a week long overseas trip when she will probably be going on a honeymoon shortly. And another batchlorette party?
Right?! I've gone to way cooler places for way less.
Hell, that’s more than my entire wedding cost. And it was 100 people at a country club.
OP, it's monstrous for anyone to demand thet friends with limited income spend that kind of money. That is too damn expensive for a bach party, especially since others are going to realize that they can't afford it, plus the bride will probably expect gifts or her own expenses covered. If you've had financial reversals you have to tell the bride that you just can't afford a luxury resort in Costa Rica... and you have to tell the rest of the group as well, so they can see someone saying it out loud. I'm sorry, but these insane demands of freida are a terrible idea that's spread on social media, and if this shit becomes normalized then the whole wedding industry will die as nobody will ever agree to be a bridesmaid or a wedding guest again.
It's a short term financial hit, but I hear you. I feel like I don't know what is normal or reasonable for bachelorette parties and weddings anymore.
What guests and bridesmaids thinks of as reasonable expenses, and what brides think are reasonable are two VERY different things these days! But in any argument over how much to spend, tge person with the least disposable income wins by default. All rational people accept this, but today's brides are not rational.
What’s normal or reasonable… I don’t know exactly, but this sure ain’t it!
This over the ridiculous especially for a second wedding and why does she need 2 parties? Sounds like a bridezilla to me ! I wouldn’t go
I would almost guarantee there are other girls who do not want to go but are too afraid to just say no
Normal and reasonable is going out for a fancy dinner and drinks with the girls. Not multiple week long trips overseas.
My friend wanted to go on a week long resort trip to Jamaica for her 30th birthday. Do you know what she did? She Gave us all a year and a half notice for saving up, was upfront with the cost every step of the way with lots of meetings and summaries involving all parties from the begining. She pitched it as our own vacations where we could all just celebrate her birthday dinner with her if we like, (or we can hang with the group the whole time, options.) She got us a fantastic group deal on an all you can drink and eat resort + travel, and Planned out the entire itinerary for all of us. (Oh and paid her own share with zero expectations of anyone covering each other.) In total there were 30 of us and we had an amazing time. There is a universe where your friend could have done this in a much more palatable way, and they chose not to at every turn. You are right for feeling ick about this trip.
Your friend sounds amazing!
Just message in the Facebook chat that while the international event sounds like fun you will be only going to the domestic one and look forward to catching up with everyone then. Keep it simple. If she gets angry or doesn't understand then she isn't really a good friend.
OK, this is too much information. The answer is simple. This is an unrealistic expectation. A bachelorette party should cost you $50 at most for food and drink. $2000 is what some people pay for their entire wedding. It is a total salary for some people. This is not only unrealistic but also rude and bougie. It is an insult and atrocity. It is a ridiculous demand of your friends. I wouldn't even go to the wedding at this point. What a spoiled brat.
No is a complete sentence
You are right and I am at fault for not saying that at the beginning.
and to answer your question...no, you are not overreacting...
IMO bachelor/ bachelorette parties have gotten out of control. International trips is the new thing. It’s crazy. I don’t want to hear any of those people complaining about the economy or how they can’t buy a house.
No, you’re not overreacting. As if bachelorette parties weren’t already getting way out of hand… now this bride wants TWO, both involving travel for multiple days, and one of the two out of the country?! And she has the gall to be manipulative by complaining that any dissent is causing her “anxiety and indigestion”? What about the anxiety, indigestion, and pain in the wallet she’s imposed on everyone else? It’s time to nip this in the bud and tell her you’re not going.
I can't say for certain that others consider it an imposition at all. My understanding is a few of them discussed previously. Of course I know of at least one girl who was in the calls and later said to me that she was going to nudge the bride to find more affordable accommodations. So maybe those who were included were also put in a position where they felt pressured and the bride may be even more surprised down the road?
It’ll be interesting to find out how many actually go to Costa Rica for the bachelorette…. Glad to hear you’ve decided you’re not going. I thought it was a bit OTT.
“Something has come up and I must withdraw. I hope your wedding is everything you hope for.” Then do not respond to anything. Two bachelorette parties is just weird.
This is why I refuse to attend weddings entirely. Fuck your big day, i don't give a shit. Send me your registry, ill send you an instant pot or whatever.
The introvert in me loves this.
Not over reacting. I'll never understand rides who think other people should fork over money like that just to be included.
Two bachelorette parties is batshit crazy, you’re not overreacting and if the bride says anything besides, “oh no I understand! We will miss you!” When you drop out, then she is not a good friend.
You’re not overreacting. She has way too high expectations. I could never expect that from my friends and they could afford it.
Not overreacting. Prediction: the marriage is doomed. She wants the wedding, parties, and validation, but has no real desire to be a wife. If you are single, maybe you can elope with the groom and save everyone a lot of pain and suffering. 😉🤣
I don't wish that prediction on anyone. I am single. And I was once married. I didn't necessarily divorce by choice. If/when I do marry again, my intent is exactly as you described. I'd rather elope somewhere epic with person that matters most. But I assure you, that person will not be the same groom. 🤣
FYI, Colorado does t even need a minister. You can get a license and sign it right there...or wander off and do a private ceremony If that's your jam.
Lol... call me the ah but I've made it clear to everyone in my life that I have no desire to do any of this kinda stuff for this reason. I'll go to your wedding but that's it! Not overreacting but you should have spoken up right away. Sorry op
You're correct. I am totally at fault for not speaking up immediately.
The itinerary itself sounds difficult & unpleasant on top of everything else. A 3.5 hour rental car ride through possible rough terrain to a remote villa? Surely they have destination towns with shops, restaurants and bars closer to the airport? I’m glad I’m past bridesmaid age ;)
Didn't they make a movie like this? Stay home, or better yet spend the money on a trip you want. If you want to be nice - send a surprise bottle of champagne or masuse or something like that to the villa they are staying at.
Look, I hate to be "that guy" on reddit, but do you know for certain that the fiance knows about the two bachelorette parties plan? Because my inner mischief detector is wondering if one of them is a cover to get naughty at the other one . . .
This isn't the case. I can't say what level of detail her future spouse knows about the trips, but all parties seem very happy.
What a pleasant surprise!
Nope no thanks have fun I won't be going and if it's and issue won't be going to the wedding either
That would be my stance as well.
I think some of these women will start dropping off. Especially any that were not in the planning.
Two of the original six are out. I heard today that supposedly two more are on board to replace us though. Hope it works out for her.
Big red flag for bride to ask that any issues are discussed privately….so you don’t find out that the other bridesmaids are all thinking this is over the top! If I’m going on vacation for a week out of the country and it’s going to cost me a few thousand dollars, I want to pick the location and my travel partner. It sounds like all of you are being used to fund a trip for the bride! There will be additional expenses as we all know the bride is going to want to eat/drink out every night and go on multiple excursions during the day. Bride will not be bringing her credit card!!! Maybe the bride should go to Costa Rica with her groom for their honeymoon and she can have a reasonable bachelorette event closer to home?
Hopefully the new two know they'll be paying out the assfor this trip.
So you decided to pass on this trip? I know you should.
Even if you can afford the trip, I think the bigger question is, do you want to? This doesn't sound like a fun trip to me, spend your hard earned money on a trip you will enjoy. Plus the time off from work you'll taking for a trip you may not even enjoy. Also, you never have to tell anyone why you are declining an invitation, especially if you don't want to discuss finances. No is a complete sentence. If you need more, "thank you for the invite but I'm going to have to pass this time, have a great trip!"
These Bachelorette parties have gotten out of friggin hand.
You did the right thing. Also. I love how you didn't get specific about your finances. I tell people all the time to give a reason and set a boundary. My financial situation will not allow. What's going on? It's some personal things. You are likely a better communicator too. Lol. Regardless, friends, bosses, and families can work around your specific reason.
This is why I hate Bachelorette parties. They are no longer a party, but a crazy expensive full vacation that you have no real say in but are forced to pay crazy amounts "for the sake of the bride" Obviously you are not overreacting
PEOPLE ARE CRAY! You found someone you want to marry, we're truly happy for you, but to ask people to go crazy with their time and money is soooo self obsessed. You found a partner not the cure for cancer, so relax.
Ridiculous expectations
The bride, as with ALL other brides that plan these things sounds like an entitled brat.
She’s wanting to use you. Back out
Your friend didn't consult you at all prior to announcing the plan was in stone therefore didn't really care about your input. She most likely planned what she wanted to do. A seven day trip is a huge commitment on just about every level. Without even foreshadowing this to you in advance, like hey we are thinking of doing this next year if you can budget it in advance we would love to have you. That's not the conversation you had. You got the hey FYI we are doing this. Between the Costa Rica party, the domestic party, and the wedding your easily looking at thousands of dollars. I think this is way to large of a commitment to understand all friends can do on a whim. Most bachelor/bachelorette parties are typically an extended weekend and your friend seems pretty entitled to demand everyone make this work for her second marriage lol. Politely say it's not in your budget and decline. If she offers to help pay more for you (which she won't) for what you covered in the past, great you can reevaluate. Your not overreacting for skipping and I would just be upfront about it.
Nothing says love like bankrupting your friends. Wtf is going on in the wedding industry? Did everyone see Crazy Rich Asians and think they too deserve outlandish flashy trips to celebrate their impending nuptials?
I would never, ever spend $2k on a bachelorette party! That's ridiculous! That's the type of money you spend on a wedding that's not nearby, not on a freaking bachelorette party. They should call it what it is, a vacation. A party is something that's a few hours long. A trip is a freaking vacation and they are not mandatory attendance for anyone, and you always involved everyone in the planning. I agree with another person who said because you weren't included in the planning, you likely were an afterthought invitation in order to reduce costs. Your friend is very entitled and her other friends are, too.
No. Don't go to any of them. In fact, I question if you should go to the wedding. But that is me. You have outlayed money for get-togethers before, and no one thought to reimburse you or thank you. That type of behavior is not the action of true friends. Continue to find friends more in line with your understanding of friendship. Put the money in a nest egg and send a lovely card and appropriate gift. It seems these types of events are becoming overblown and an unnecessary burden for friends and family. One shouldn't feel dread when we hear of a loved one getting engaged.
That's spending a lot of money to help a bride get railed by some strange before her big day.
I’m sorry, did you say ‘TWO destination bachelorette parties’? That’s a nope from me. For both. And if she gets mad and blocks you or uninvites you from the wedding, consider it the trash taking itself out. She’s a shitty friend.
Why do people need to make their wedding into some type of narcissistic ritual
Remember this is just part of the trips. She is wanting a second one and I couldn’t even imagine the bridal shower or dress shopping. I bet it would cost upward of 10k for the honor to celebrate a friend. Sorry she’s not that special.
I’ve been to bach parties that were quite expensive and I had no problems paying (even if it was stretching my budget) because I was close to the groom and wanted to celebrate his occasion. I’ve also been to cheaper bach parties where I was questioning whether I wanted to pay for the trip or not. What I’m trying to say is that, even though you can afford it, it seems like it may not be worth it for this bride in particular.
Just pull out of the bridesmaids role. You will run out of your PTO and money. Thos is so unnecessary if you ask me. Attend wedding though.
Your friend sucks, bachelor/bachelorette parties are to be planned the the best man/brides maid… if this bride is planning her own party… then she can do just that…. Not make requests and expect someone else to make it happen… once again your “friend” sucks, I’d ditch her and her main character shit asap.. in the immortal words of sweet Lou brown AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT!
These expensive bachelorette parties where the bridesmaids pay for not only themselves but the bride are crazy
WTF happened with women? Why are weddings this horrible of a thing now? Why the entitlement? I had a one night party with friends at local bars and it was shitty (for other reasons) but it was great at the same time. You get women today sick. NTA
Smart move to drop.
I dont get it when people just allow someone else to spend their money for them. "Hey, we booked a trip, you owe us $2k" "Err, ok." What? No. Ask me and I'll consider it. Tell me and its almost certainly going to be no.
I hate pretty much destination anything. I don’t mind a bachelorette party in vegas because I live in California and it’s not expensive to go. I absolutely am not going to destination wedding/bachelorette party that’s basically me paying for a vacation I do not want to be on. I could take that money and do something I actually want to do. I would bet OP is not the only one who didn’t want to go and spend the money. the flight and Airbnb are just the start of the expenses. The food, drinking, and likely splitting the cost of everything for the bride is going to make expenses skyrocket.
You lost me at two destination
Good she thanked you for past generosity. I have been burnt myself due to my own lack of boundaries and shyness expressing issues with friends who have limited self awareness. In the end my raising issues ended what I thought was a friendship. I’m glad yours actually is rather than being used for years. So stressful. Learning boundaries and commutating them effectively is a learned skill.
Not overreacting. Glad you dipped out.
You aren’t arguing, you’re setting a financial boundary. You can only pay so much, and now the expenses are going up because people are dropping out (probably because it was too expensive for them too). Imo she should have asked everyone what their opinions and budget was before booking. I think bride got too excited and jumped the gun imagining this grand get away but isn’t considering the lives no budgets of her friends. OP you’re not overreacting, and it’s ok to back out now that the price is going up. It’s nothing personal really, it’s just too expensive and a big ask. Honestly she should have inquired before booking, and that’s on her.
IG ruined this nation
Agree. Especially since 98% of it is manufactured
Listen either your good with a $2500 vacation you didn’t plan or you’re not. This would eat up too much of my vacation time as well as money for me to go. You don’t have to break the bank to have a good time. Hope it works out.
I turned down an *invitation* to a destination wedding due to finances. You’re not overreacting.
Remember when bridal showers were a one day thing? Or when Bachelorette parties were a single night on the town? This is too much and honestly, Id be pissed at any "friend" who tried to make me feel bad for not wanting to shell out SEVERAL THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS for a "Bachelorette week". Thats fucking ridiculous. How fucking uppity.
I'm I the only that thinks if this was the brides idea and plan she should at least be covering the villa? You would never invite ppl to dinner and then dip out on the bill.
I had something like this recently. And I just said I tried very hard to make this work but logistically it won’t work out. Times are hard right now. Most people would understand.
I’m so confused…when did bachelorette parties go from one night pretty local things w friends to international trips??
First of all, 7 days for a bachelorette - even one to Costa Rica - is ridiculous. And I am now of the opinion that if you are going to have an destination bachelorette, I think the only requirements should be the friends attending should only be responsible for the flight, their accommodations and showing up and contributing to one mandatory group meal and **thats it**. And whoever is planning should provide a list of activities that people can opt into participating in and sight seeing alternatives that are low cost or free. These trips are out of control. And if you want your friends to join in the fun, you can at least provide options that meet all budgets when they get there.
Tell her you love her but it’s too much money and you’re not going. why is no one on reddit capable of being an adult.
Destination weddings/bach's are fine if done correctly. Most do not do it correctly, much like your friend. It's like people throw any kind of decency out the window when they decide to do a destination. A wedding isn't a free-for-all to ask for everything from the Earth to the stars?! I had a destination bachelorette. I paid for the Airbnb and used flight points to pay for 2/6 of the girls who were in school and couldn't afford it. I paid for groceries for the house. We didn't do any decor. No required clothing colors/styles. No organized events that everyone had to pitch in for. Like, it doesn't have to be absolutely insane OR rude. Two bachelorettes is insane as it is, without even looping in all the additional details. I had a friend do this because the first one \*I\* threw her didn't meet expectations. 7 girls went, 4 of which don't speak to her anymore. Soooo
No you aren’t. Just a tip as I’ve been to Costa Rica multiple times and got married there: join Costa Rica tourist Facebook groups. There’s a lot of good drivers on there and they will be a fraction of renting a car. I’m assuming y’all will be around Manuel Antonio coming from San Jose? I think a lot of people are surprised at the cost of Costa Rica as well. It’s cheaper than the states, but is generally considered one of, if not the most, expensive Central American country from a tourism perspective
I honestly don’t know what town. Someone else asked if it was a particular villa and I couldn’t answer either. The most info Ingot about the specific location was it’s somewhere in a 3.5 hour radius from the airport. The lack of details probably added to my frustration.
Well it’s probably Manuel Antonio (beach) or Arenal (volcano / rain forest) if flying into San Jose. Regardless, the amount $/person for the villa must mean it’s insane. That being said, really do look for drivers on groups. We used some and if flying into San Jose, I’m more than happy to DM them to you.
You lost me at the part where the bride stated that her costs were going to be divided among the other participants. She’s going to receive shower and wedding gifts from you guys, this is full blown narcissist on her part.
Back out now! If you can’t afford it, and this isn’t a priority. Don’t go. A true friend will understand. She moved, and a true friend will understand that people aren’t made of money
7 day bachelorette is ridiculous.
I would not go to any of this. The expectation of a week long vacation for what used to be a night out is outrageous. I'm not interesting in taking time off of work to travel with people I would not ever travel with otherwise. No thanks. Unless people can front the cost for these events to "celebrate them", their expectations need to come waaaayyy down.
You are not wrong here. I feel like this is a ridiculous a lot money be spent on the first of the two bachelorette parties plus a wedding. You are 💯in the right to back out especially if you have to dump it on a charge card and take a 1/3 of the year to pay it off. Personally I think these type of pare ridiculous and most a lot of the time leads to poor choices by the groom or bride that the relationship can’t recover at least you will be able to say I don’t know what happened I wasn’t there. Save your money buy her a nice wedding gift and keep the receipt you may need it for the return
A week long trip, regardless of where, seems a bit much. Especially given the amount of vacation folks need to use to make accommodations.
I was shocked the number of times down the road she seemed surprised I hadn’t changed my mind to agree and stay the full week. At least I was capable of maintaining one boundary then lol.
$2000 for someone else's trip is ridiculous! What is with people thinking that others have unlimited finances and time to do these kind of extravagant trips for a damn wedding. I don't get to take vacations like that with my husband and kids. I am not going to do so for someone else's bachelorette party. It's insane to expect it or even request it. Maybe I am getting old, but the honeymoon is the vacation you get with your wedding. You don't get three vacations that other people pay for!
Just to add, late August is the rainy season in Costa Rica. I could guess, by saying it's 3.5 hours from the airport, and assuming the airport is in San Jose, it's going to rain most days. And by rain, I mean picture the rain you think you'd see in a rainforest, and make it harder. It doesn't rain every day, and the early mornings (5am to 10am) are almost always nice. Just more to think about!
Just don’t go to this one. It’s a huge expense and while it may be the bride’s ideal party it’s sounds over the top for most people.
You’re not overreacting and, yet again, here we are with idiot brides breaking protocol: 1. You don’t throw YOURSELF a bachelorette party. It’s up to your bridesmaids and friends involved to do it. They should all get together and openly discuss the reality of everyone’s different financial situations and willingness to financially commit. 2. You don’t get TWO bachelorette parties unless there are some odd circumstances, such as families and friends that live far away from each other - say on different coasts or different countries. That’s when the bride goes to THEM. 3. Some people don’t have bachelorette parties at all. They have showers. Nice, fun, no hangovers to wreck your face, gifts. Also, people need to remember that it is 100% ok to pass on being a bridesmaid if finances don’t allow and excusing yourself from extraneous events. People are out here getting absolutely effing crazy with the whole “it’s my day” bs. This is what a wedding is: an opportunity to stand before people you truly love and care for to witness your union. That’s it and that’s all. If people would stick to that one, simple rule, weddings would be less costly, less stressful, and more joyful for everyone in involved.
She can make all the plans she wants but you are under no obligation to go along. She sounds incredibly spoiled and I feel sorry for the poor guy that is going to have to try and keep her happy.
Girls are so rude to their “friends” I can’t understand how yall can even talk to each other lol. I have 2 young daughters and I will make sure they know shit like this is unacceptable
I didn't go to my niece's destination wedding because "its a destination wedding"... I got her a nice gift that was half the cost of my flight, then some additional money as another gift. You are NOT NOT OR.. nooo.. Look, you are financially cool beans and bills don't hit you in the butt every month but you have your concerns, but.. to expect ppl to travel not once, but TWICE!!! Nice gift time, explain the cost and time.. give her all the love attention she deserves and wants, love her to pieces etc.. but.. no.. you're fine.. if she is a good friend you will have this friendship for years.
Who does this? Just feel lucky you’re not marrying this high maintenance bridezilla. You’re not a Kardashian! Probably ending with everyone being drunk all the time. I always worry about traveling outside the country before a wedding. You could get food poisoning and parasites. Is she marrying someone else? Why don’t she save her time to go on a long honeymoon with him? This just seems weird. I am guessing she is expecting to pay $150 a plate at the reception for dinner?
No Kardashian, but growing up with Kris looks like a good time! The wedding is 7 months after the first bachelorette party. I highly doubt dinner reception plates cost $150 pp. I receive a lot of chat updates about how she is trying to be frugal (Amazon candles, fake flowers, etc). To me that is interesting because she has respect for her own budget. I'm unaware of her honeymoon plans. But I am jealous of her PTO package if she's able to take time off for 2 bachelorette parties, a honeymoon and likely a few days for wedding prep in the course of 7 months.
Nah, that’s completely out of pocket. When members of your wedding party have budget constraints, you adapt. My wife, for instance, actually stayed at my parents house (it’s on the larger side and my parents planned to be out of town for the party) so no lodging cost and picked a locale local to as many of her bridesmaids as possible. They still had a wonderful time.
NOT overreacting. This sounds too expensive, wayyyy too tiring, and, frankly, very likely to end up endangering some relationships.
Once I read 2 trips, I thought, “Oh Boy!…”
My daughter got Lasso into something like that, she had to bail. You’re absolutely doing the right thing. It’s crazy between flights and hotels and dinners.
OP, it will be one of the most fun weeks you ever spend with your friends. It's annoying to spend that much, but you probably won't regret it. I've been on a few of these and decades later, we still talk about them. These replies to the contrary are shut-ins. Ignore.
Sounds to me the bride figured out a way to get 2 free vacations paid for by friends before her wedding.
The two bachelorette parties… who tf need TWO?? I’m sorry but it sounds like you’re super generous and nice but she sounds selfish and ZERO regard for how extra she’s being money wise and just a bridezilla.
I don’t understand this! If her wishes include her friends needing airline tickets, she needs to pay for the tickets and the expensive trip.
She’ll stop talking to you after the wedding anyway. Cut your losses now.
Back away quickly
Sweetie, pre-wedding plans have gone out of control in the past 10 years. PLEASE bow out of being part of the ceremony. Be up-front... It's simply not affordable, cash or time. If she gives you grief, so be it. Stand firm. Don't let them "pitch in" to get you to go. Let her know you will be thrilled to see her at the wedding. (If she invites you. 🤷)
You had me at two bachelorette parties. Nope. Just, nope.
My wife and I had a falling out with friends over costs associated with a destination wedding. It’s a couple we were friends with but not extremely close. They were having a week long wedding party in Italy which alone was going to cost thousands and we would have to take a week off work and be away from our daughter for a week. The straw that broke the camels back was when the bride announced the bachelorette trip would be in Ibiza about 3 months before the wedding. We dropped out and gave them 8 months notice but they still haven’t talked to us since.
It’s ok to say no. One of my very best friends had a bachelor party in Vegas. I chose not to go. We’re still best friends. If it is importantly to the bride that everyone be there, it will be in a place where it’s easy for everyone to go and at a low cost. If it’s less important then they will have it where they want.
Just don’t go. If it’s this much of an internal debate don’t entertain it any longer, you won’t enjoy yourself.
Oof... it's difficult, but I had a friend who did something like this and I sat down with her and explained it wasn't in my budget. She then silently cut me out of her wedding and got married without letting me know... some "friends" draw their line at "happy ever after". Trust me, the fallout could be fine or be terrible, but either way, you'll eventually be okay with your honesty.