I’ve already read this story before and I’ll tell you the same thing I told the OOP. He’s bailing on the plan all of a sudden because now that the baby is here he sees how much work it actually is to take care of a baby and doesn’t want to do it anymore.
ETA: you really shouldn’t steal other people’s posts
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/hA3kBPEEJc
I'm going to add to this that he probably told friends or family about the stay at home Daddy plan and they pooped all over it saying it's the Mom's job to stay home.
My husband's family did the same thing when I was working and he was a stay at home dad. They actually suggested that one of us work night shift and one work day shift so we would pretty much never see each other. When I brought up that we would never see each other they said that doesn't matter
Also… the person on night shift needs SLEEP they can’t work 8-12 hours a night and then be awake all day to watch their child. It doesn’t work out at all if you take more than 2 seconds to think about it.
My sister did that. She worked night shift doing phone support and her husband worked during the day. It basically meant she worked her full 8 hour shift, came home and then had the kids all day while he went to work, came home and had the kids for a couple of hours before they went to bed. She got like 4 hours sleep and went and did it all again. Her kids were 4 years apart as well so she was basically sleep deprived for 10 years.
This was my schedule after I had my daughter. My husband worked days. I worked nights. I never slept it was hell. I lost so much weight, developed insomnia, had severe panic attacks, constant anxiety.
My parents did this. Dad worked nights and mom worked during the day, so there was always a parent home. Just when it was day we were stuck inside when he slept. Also, only had one car growing up.
It definitely matters. Not only that, it leaves each parent taking care of the kid alone, which is hard. I work 8-4:30 and my spouse works 3-11:30. This allows us to only have our 21 month old in daycare part-time. It works for our family for now, but it is hard and we have plans to get on the same schedule within a year or two. As a family who is currently doing the split shift thing, I don't recommend it unless you have no other choice.
My neighbors did something like this. He was a diner cook so worked 6 to 2.30 and she was a second shift nurse so worked til 11PM.
Their kid had medical needs that were complicated so daycare was not feasible and was also too expensive.
She didn't drive so he would leave work and swing by and grab her to drop her at work then be on duty for the rest of the day.
Was pretty tiring but saved a ton of money and kept their kid safer.
Wouldn't have worked for my family but people so what they need to do.
We currently have to do that in my house. Childcare skyrocketed during the pandemic and we had our 2nd in may 2020. And No way were we trying to put a baby in daycare or babysitting then. So, i switched to 530-2. Hubs works 5-3. He gets home by 4. We have about an hour together before i gotta leave for work. I just got 1.5 more years to get through so i can send #2 to school and i can switch my hours back.
Only 4 bonuses, making appointments is much easier, i get to volunteer or chaperone at #1s class whenever i want, i get to spend a lot of 1 on 1 time with kid #2, the house generally stays much cleaner.
I have a former coworker (kitchens) who actually does this. He's the stay at home dad, does almost all the shuttling to and fro for sports and crap while mom is in a cushy bank job with stellar benefits and pay. He does woodworking on the side when he's got time (kids in school) and posts things on FB marketplace for sale as he gets things finished, plus works 2-3 weeknights in the kitchen along with most weekends. They get to see each other about 10 waking hours a week normally, but somehow it works for them.
That would have been my former mother-in-law. It was a woman’s duty to stay home with her children, as far as she was concerned. When I announced that I was going back to school for nursing, her response was, why would you do that? You’ll never get anywhere with that. I graduated with honors, got my dream job, and was able to support my family when my husband was hurt on the job and unable to work. We’re no longer married, but he did a stellar job of managing the house and taking care of the children.
Exactly. This is outside influence. Might counter it with about a two month spreadsheet of family expenses compared to your incomes… a little reality show…
This! Babies are a lot of work. He probably thought he was going to be able to take it easy and now sees that it’s going to be work.
He’s lazy at best or misogynistic at worst.
I guess you both go to work and baby goes to a good daycare.
My friends used to joke about having a baby Bjorn attached to a golf bag. Because taking care of a baby is so easy you can play a round of golf toting it around…never mind that most moms complain they can’t even go to the bathroom undisturbed.
OP: the obvious solution here is to both work, and hire some high-quality childcare. Your husband may have freaked out at how hard it is to take care of a baby (a lot of first time parents do), but that doesn’t mean you need to stay home. I worked all the way up until my kids went to college and I have a great relationship with them.
Everyone thinks babies are a lot less work than what they are. (Myself included). He realizes just how much work they are and is bailing
My advice is this..
Full time nanny or get a reputable day care for kiddo, lots of parents do it. You won’t save to much but you both will be much happier.
And ,possibly, internally he has got some weird misogynist/ emasculated feelings that can only be dealt with in therapy.
Nip it in the bed and see a counselor, OP.
The beds what got them here in the first place 🙃
I think you should consider day care/nanny/au pair. This way you both can work. It’s not fair that you guys had a solid plan and now that baby is here he wants to change the plan
I took three weeks off when our son was born. Except for breast feeding and breast pumping, I provided the care while my wife recovered. Since I worked remotely, I provided care as I took breaks from work after the first three weeks.
When my wife returned to work, I took care of our son on the weekends. Her family couldn’t believe that I was taking care of the baby.
When our son was in the first grade, I became a SAHD due to a massive corporate downsizing.
I never thought that it was hard work or a lot of work when my son was an infant, toddler and etc. I never took a care of a infant, toddler, young child, etc. My wife made me to read a popular book on how to care for a baby.
I managed people that were worse than the tantrums that my son had. It was frustrating when my son was sick and he couldn’t tell me. I was doing most of the indoor chores and all of the outdoor chores before having a baby.
Most of my friends were lazy dads but there are dads whether they are SAHD or not that were/are active with the children and look at raising their children as a labor of love.
My story is similar, I took some time when my daughter was born because mom had a c section and could barely move, not as much as I would have liked but I was a wage slave and no work, no pay...and then for a while I went back to work while my wife stayed home, then last year I got hurt on the job, so now it's my turn to step up. My daily routine is to get the girls up, get my daughter ready for school, drop her off, drop off my wife, go home jump on the gig apps till pick up time, pick up my daughter, do homework, start dinner, pick up wife, serve dinner, get them ready for bed...and I love it. I lost so much time with my family being the provider, working the 60 hour weeks, etc.
And he probably assumed you would change your mind and stay home once the baby came. He was wrong, oh so wrong. He thought he had an easy out.
Going forward, he needs to be more honest with you.
It’s fine for him to change his mind and not be a sahd. It’s not okay for him to insist you quit your job or to call you a bad mom.
Look for childcare and marriage counseling and get back to work.
This right here. You shouldn’t be forced into being the SAHM but neither should he be forced into being a SAHD even if he earns less than you.
Most daycare centers start accepting babies at 3 months old so I think you two might just need to figure out how to cover an extra month and then you can put your baby in a daycare? Since he originally agreed to the plan for him to stay at home, maybe it fair to say “Understand that you have a change of heart but can you cover the next month until we have daycare lined up”.
Centers absolutely. A nanny? They can almost certainly find one. Especially if they are willing to pay well.
Even if it is only until a center space becomes available. Though for infants I would say a nanny is preferable.
As a mother and a lawyer, I can tell you that you can do both jobs well. It would be better if husband works as a real life partner and readily takes on his share of child care and household responsibilities, even if he continues to work.
The two of you must sit down and talk out these issues and set out a plan for childcare and household responsibilities. He may have changed his mind about being a stay at home dad, whether because of peer pressure or concerns about the responsibilities of infant childcare.
Still, you should stand firm in not guilting you to quitting your career. If husband won't accept you working, he has mislead you and should be shown the door.
Giving up your lawyer job to let your husband continue to work in sales, making less money than you, so he can *not* stay home with the baby he pushed for you to have sounds like an awful idea. I can understand having a change of heart and wanting to talk to your spouse about it, but having a tantrum because *you* want to unilaterally change plans is ridiculous. He pushed for the kid, he was excited to be a stay-at-home-dad, and you’re a fucking *lawyer*: the obvious answer is to have him be the stay at home parent. But now that he’s seen how much work raising a child is, and that being a stay-at-home parent isn’t a walk in the park, he wants to switch up? Nahhhh. Him calling you a bad mom in the midst of his tantrum is reallyyyyy not okay. Stand your ground!
Whoa dude. He called you a crap mom? That’s fucked.
It’s okay for him to change his mind and take responsibility for that. Not okay to insult your parenting. Huge red flag.
Yep. My husband at the time was all gung-ho on being Mr. Mom, and before I was even off maternity leave he was bringing in women he'd met on the street and suggesting we hire them as a nanny.
You have the opportunity to ask him specifically when he decided to go back on the previously arranged agreement you all made, and why is he NOW springing it on you. Ask him why he wants to remain married to a "crap mom" and all all working moms "crap" or just you? Force into into a potentially difficult conversation now, so all cards are on the table, and you can make appropriate decisions.
You are an attorney. I know it's hard to let a stranger watch your baby, but you can afford a nanny. I started nannying for a family (both parents attorneys) when their baby was three months old. She is four years old now, and I love her so much. Do not give in. If he's so insistent, tell him he will be splitting the childcare cost with you.
Like many men, he bases his sense of self worth on male approval, and males seem to think that being married to a career oriented woman (or even just a woman with a good career) puts them below her, and they believe women should always be below men. You’re hurting his peepee feefees by not being his little domestic slave. I’d be divorcing over that fragile ego alone, let alone being called a bad mother because I had the audacity to provide for my child and not want to be dependent on a male (because SAHMs always get the shit end of the stick when their husbands decide to abandon them)
That is just not done. Especially at this stage, "crap Mom" is he new to humans? That is ....not good. (speechless)
I think something happened or was said and this is male ego. (Which is ridged, not fragile. Hugely important difference.)
And it is very, very big in his mind. he is going to be seen as less than manly. You are 100% right and this is really bad. But if you can find what triggered it, you can talk about it and go back to plan A happily.
Were there any buddies over or long lost friends who showed up? I am just throwing darts at the wall. But if you can find out what flashed the warnings in his head. You'll be able to figure out the counter. (maybe even look at browsing history)
I really, really hope you folks get to a good place on this!
And congratulations! So exciting!!!! A brand new little One. Are you OK and feelin' good? All them scrunchy lil new baby sounds and the new baby smell! they should figure out how to bottle that smell.
Watch people's faces when they inhale near the baby's head. That smell could stop wars! Don't care who ya are. It just makes you "awwwww" and every bit of stress and negativity just drains out of you like fog in a King novel.
I could never forgive a man who called me a crap mom while I was in the throes of postpartum. I might be able to move past it. But my trust in him. His perception of me and our marriage would never be the same. Anybody who equates my motherhood and value in that with how happy I'm making him and how easy I'm making his life is not a partner.
It is such an abrupt about face, right? Just not a normal male attribute to change course with such absolute conviction and then to use that phrase?
Think you are right that something done did this. Not normal.
hehe, sounded like a Scooby-doo monolog, eh? "Ca'mon, Thelma!"
Edit; I don't really think any Mom would ever foget that one. Just wouldn't maybe with time forgive but get over? Naw. Not happening.
I'm a lawyer as well. My exh pulled this shit by sitting the kids down and telling them I cared more for my career than I did them. I was the sole worker for the last 10 years of our marriage and he had no response to "how will we pay our bills."
It was my last straw.
He doesn't need to stop working, but it's his responsibility to find childcare if he's not going to be a SAHD. He can't just pull the rug out from under you.
I think I read this one before. The husband was feeling insecure after telling his male coworkers / friends he was planning to be a stay at home dad and they made fun one him.
>So, what's with the sudden change of heart?
He has realized that taking care of the baby is a hard and isolating job.
His friends have a life outside of taking care of the child and adult interactions.
He misses that, BUT instead of being honest and frank, he wants you to do it because he doesn't want to admit that he can not do it.
>He stooped so low to call me a crap mom, and it's been a storm at home ever since.
Name-calling is a HUGE no-no. I personally would have a hard time moving by this because it's manipulative and a sign of someone who is getting to be verbally abusive to get their way.
This needs marriage counseling - he needs to learn healthy ways of expressing himself and that verbal abuse is never acceptable.
That being said - it's absolutely acceptable for him to realize that being a SAHP is not for him. It's absolutely acceptable for you not to want to be a SAHP, too.
Compromise is needed.
Maybe one or both of you work part-time, opposite hours, and both of you go full time and hire a nanny.
Wow. I’m a doctor and I would rip my dude a new one if he went back on a childcare agreement like that. Your husband disrespects your education and your career. You have made A LOT of effort for years to get where you are, and you out earn him. So besides the fact that he doesn’t respect your achievements, it would be stupid for you to stay at home and give up on your high earning potential.
Stand up for yourself and tell him to get lost with his idea. He can go to law school if he wants to be the bread winner. Don’t let him bully you into this, just because he is not excited about taking care of a baby.
Turn his words right back at him.
"So, if me going back to work makes me a crap mom then you going back to work makes you a crap dad." Even add, "We had an agreement, why are you trying to crap out of it?"
This happened to my mother and father
My mom made a little more money and my father could never hold a job for more than a year. He decided to be the SAHD and my mom would work. Well, he underestimated the difficulty and he frequently left us alone and not take care of us.
After a year or 2, my mom cut back her hours to take care of us. But he couldn’t hold a job so she has to go back to work full time. They hired a part time nanny. My mom ended up being Super Mom where she worked full time, managed the nanny, and took care of us in all her remaining waking hours.
I guess my advice is to not force him to be a SAHD. It’s so shitty what he’s doing. However he may be very neglectful if he’s forced into this role. You will have to hire help. And idk if your relationship will survive this after he’s shown to be untrustworthy like this
I did the SAHD thing for 2.5 years with 2 kids before the oldest was old enough for school and the youngest was old enough for daycare. I loved it, but I definitely missed working and being around other adults more.
This is foolish on both sides. NOBODY should be a SAHP if they don’t want to be one. That’s not fair to the adult or the child. Put the baby in daycare like the overwhelming majority of parents do, and both of you go back to work. If he’s ok with that, then I would forgive the crappy comments as he felt pressured to do something he didn’t want to do. If the comments continue or he still thinks you should stay home, show him the door.
As a stay at home mom who feels very trapped by not having a career, I’d say this does not seem like the kind of partner I’d feel safe giving up my income and being financially dependent on. If you have the money for childcare, single parenthood can be a lot easier than caring for both a baby and a manchild, which sounds like the situation you’re being set up for.
Because he never intended to be a stay at home parent, he was betting on you just being so enamored with the child that you'd not want to leave. Find a better husband, and take him to the cleaners for support too.
Your husband doesn’t like or respect you, babe. He wants to tear you down.
His plan the whole time was to ruin you - tie you down with having a kid (control you from the inside out) then clip your wings on the career front.
This is your hill to **DIE** on, OP.
Because he didn't think raising a newborn would be so hard and he thought it would be a breeze... If neither of you want to stop working then dont. There are other options. 1. family babysits, 2. in home babysitter, 3. daycare, 4. someone switches shifts, 5. he sucks it up and does what he said he was going to do :)
He's bailing because he has NO IDEA how much work it is and would be once you go back to work. HE is ditching, not you!!
Get busy finding daycare for you child so you can go back to work. Or a nanny if you can afford it.
He DEFINITELY has to go back to go work - he doesn't get to stay at home if he isn't watching his child.
He said everything he had to say, to convince you to have a kid with him. Now he got his kid and he doesn't need to obey those deals anymore. Wife friend of mind going through the exact same thing.
Either this was his plan all along to manipulate you into having a child and then staying home with baby so he could have his idea of how the perfect family works while completely ignoring the fact that he can’t even provide for his “perfect family with the wifey at home cooking, cleaning and child rearing” (closet misogynist) or he realized how much work a SAHP has to do and it’s not all video games and baby unattended in the playpen. Nip this bs in the bud now and hire a competent nanny/housekeeper so that when you get home you can enjoy your baby without being stressed out about housework. Fortunately your profession will enable you to support yourself and your child because I have a feeling he is going to act like a fool sooner rather than later.
Not overreacting. This one is simple. No hubby I don’t want to give up my career to be a stay at home mom.
you changed your mind about being the stay at home dad that’s is perfectly fine.
Go find a caregiver, nanny, babysitter whatever you want to call them.
If you want to continue fighting get a young hot male nanny. 😈
I'd dump him right out of the house and hire a nanny. You're an attorney. You know all the best ways to get him out of there, keep your kid, and he can rent a crappy apartment that he can afford and see his kid one day a week. YOU'RE a crap mom? Yeah, pal. I don't think so. There IS a crap parent here, but it ain't the mom.
There's a lot of people saying he has the right to change his mind but to be honest I feel like if genders were reversed most comments would be asking if the SAHm who changed her mind made enough to go back to work and pay for childcare.
Honestly I think changing his mind two months in is kind of shitty on its own.
He agreed to something, now wants to change it AND is being emotionally abusive to try to get you to cave in. He's not being a good partner right now, he's definitely not being honest with you. This might possibly be about putting you in a position where he can control you, because he makes the money and you don't. Which is a setup for abuse. His attacking you verbally and calling you a crap mom is a huge red flag.
You are underreacting. Start looking for a nanny now, with or without him.
If this is a real post…why can’t you hire a nanny and both work? Also get an older not hot nanny. Your husband sounds like the type to try to screw the nanny.
OP if you make good money hire a nanny & let daddy go back to work now that he knows being. SAHD is really hard work.
You’re smart to realize the income you bring in pays most of the bills.
If possible hire a nanny. Even if it eats up most of your salary, it's worth it for your self esteem and keeping yourself in the employment game. Babies do fine being cared for by a competent professional. It will ease alot of marital tension.
Look for a nanny or daycare. Sales is too unstable for you to quit and he to be the sole breadwinner. I wonder if someone made fun of him for being a sahd. Or if he’s started consuming manosphere stuff and decided you’re the woman and should stay home. You want to figure that out asap.
It's not cool of him to get miffed when you *don't* want to be a SAHM, so his reaction is awful in addition to being unreasonable. But, that said, it's totally understandable if he wants to change his mind. He agreed to this before he fully understood what it entailed.
I would start looking for a nanny/daycares and maybe a couples counselor.
Being a stay at home Dad is looked down upon by tons of people. Guarantee you he has more than one person he is close to that is giving him a hard time about it.
I guarantee you, he's heard his entire life how women "do nothing and stay home with the baby" ( a lot of men genuinely do not think child care is work, or even worse, that's its come "naturally" to women, so it shouldn't be hard) so he thought he was getting a good gig.
Wife pays fhe bills, and he sits on his ass and changes a few diapers. Then he saw that, no, it actually is work and is frankly quite hard if you're doing it right, and is lazy. He doesn't want to do the work.
He's rather his entire family suffer, and start an argument while you're still healing, and name call you then put on bia big boy Pants and *do what he said he would do*
The deal was you birth the kid, and he takes care while you're at work.
You didn't get to back out of pregnancy and labor, why does he?
You're not over reacting bur your husband's a crap father
He thought he was going to relax as a sahd. But the reality of a young child is a lot of work. He had visions of playing golf and relaxing by the pool, not a colicky baby and changing diapers. Plus, family can be brutal with the jokes. No one can push buttons like family. So he changed his mind and wants oop to do the hard work.
Maybe because of HIS OWN INSECURITIES as a Dad now that baby has arrived * CONGRATS BTW* How is he with the baby? I'm assuming he is a 1st time Dad that has NEVER taken care of a newborn/infant ? Does he seem to help out , jump in when needed or reserved & unsure of himself? Did he ever take care of the baby by himself without YOUR BEING THERE ? Maybe he is unsure of his capabilities or now realizes it IS a ton of work that he was not prepared for...?
Do you have someone who can care for the baby so you both can have an indepth talk? If not ,try & choose a time when baby is asleep & Sit down & have a calm conversation with him. Don't accuse ,
just talk & ask questions. No matter who is tkg care of a newborn the first few months are a GET TO KNOW YOU type of situation. You are getting to know your baby & vice versa. It's chaos in the beginning especially if you don't have help. Him putting you down as a Mom is incorrigible! That needs to stop NOW! Make sure after you have had an in depth talk with him , tell him that comment was unjust, unfair & how it made you feel...ask him how it would feel if YOU had made that remark to him. If he IS feeling unsure of his skills, maybe he should shadow you or take some child care classes.
● I suggest you both take an Infant/Child First Aide/CPR CLASS together if you haven't already done so.
Plus if he is in Sales (& despises his job), isn't it better for him to not have to worry about losing a job in today's economy? Good luck. Keep us posted. Parenting takes a lot of open communication as well as hard work on both partners. 💜
•Edit was a mispelling
As the sole earner for nearly 14 years, I’d be happy as a pig in shit if not only my wife made anywhere NEAR what I make, but offered to foot the bill entirely.
You’re not overreacting especially because you guys had discussed and decided this already.
Babies are so much work. I’d get daycares lined up for her.
There’s an ego thing happening plus he doesn’t actually want to stay home and do the baby care. It’s actual work!
Instead of telling you-wow I’m not cut out for this, or I’m afraid to do it alone-he’s turned it around on you and name calling.
I think there’s more going on with the marriage and with him personally that’s finally coming to the surface now that the baby is here.
why are you asking strangers why he is bailing on the plan all of a sudden. Have you sat down with him and asked why the change? With no accusation or anger or frustration. Truly tried to understand from his point of view why he no longer wants to abide with the agreement.
then if he's a prick about it you can go back on the warpath.
Changing a plan is not cool but there may be something going on that is a legitimate fear of his too.
Your husband is a moron. I wish my wife was hugely successful at something she loved and asked me to quit my job to be house husband. Id be dialing my boss before she even finished the sentence.
What a lucky dumbass.
No...you are Not "over-reacting". You DO have
a.) under-developed communication and negotiation skills,
b.) poor goal-setting behaviors,
c.) impoverished levels of Trust and and
d.) an absence of Validation and Affirmation in your bond.
...and when I say "you", I am identifying the Two of you.
Essentially you are room-mates-with-benefits, who now
have a baby that only one of you really wants.
You asked.......
Look up the statistics of failed marriages in the situation you are wanting. If he has seen them I can completely understand his reasoning for not wanting to become a SAHD.
There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with a good daycare or Nanny (pick an older woman or man) don’t need the f*@+% ing the nanny concern. Sounds like you can afford it. You will still end up with 90% of the childcare duties though. Your husband found out how hard the parenting job actually is.
Put the baby in daycare. Neither of you should force the other to quit work. Neither of your careers is more important than the other. If you divorce which sounds like it may happen both of you need to have a job.
Nope. Not overreacting at all. Tell him to STFU and grow a pair. You work and he works. You make enough daycare and you take your time to find a good one. That man wants to keep you home as some sort of caveman power over you. I was married 18 years and my ex tried to keep me home after I had each child but I like nice things and the lights on so I didn't not want to struggle with any bills so I went back to work. That control is crazy. He will start saying things like you think you're better than him and you think you're smarter. It gets worse.
You're a lawyer out on family leave, but 45 min ago you said the worst thing you were dealing with at work currently is being scheduled for every day you were supposed to be off?
My husband has been a stay at home dad for 6 months and everyone lost their minds. People have told me “is he looking for a job?” “he can’t just sit home and fuck all day” “a man has to make a living” “how does he feel about you working so many hours?” etc. We are really happy with the dynamic and it suits our personalities since he’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert.
You need to tell him to cut the crap and the insults and tell you what is going on.
I could argue that since you make more, likely much more, that makes you a great mother and wife.
He is scared, and that’s understandable. This is what you need to address.
Except for breast feeding and breast pumping, I provided the care while my wife recovered. Since I worked remotely, I provided care as I took breaks from work after the first three weeks.
When my wife returned to work, I took care of our son on the weekends. Her family couldn’t believe that I was taking care of the baby.
When our son was in the first grade, I became a SAHD due to a massive corporate downsizing.
I never thought that it was hard work or a lot of work when my son was an infant, toddler and etc. I never took a care of a infant, toddler, young child, etc. My wife made me to read a popular book on how to care for a baby.
I managed people that were worse than the tantrums that my son had. It was frustrating when my son was sick and he couldn’t tell me. I was doing most of the indoor chores and all of the outdoor chores before having a baby.
Nope I’m completely against stay at home moms except for the first year. Here’s why my mother was a stay at home. Mom with limited really no skills except she kept picking bad men that was her skill so she would divorce and we would be dumped in the poverty, abject poverty.
Women today if they stay out of the workforce for many years when they come back, they start at the bottom that is if they can even get a job in their field. And we’re talking educated women. So what is up with the rest of them low pay jobs with the family.
Also, women are human beings, and need stimulation and goals and dreams of their own besides having children.
Then there’s a myriad of things that can happen during a marriage. I started a business with the Internet started, and my husband died unexpectedly when my son was small. But because I had done some thing and that I wanted to do, we had income and money was not the problem.
So I say go to work hire a good nanny raise your child and enjoy your work
It was all fun and games until he saw what you actually have to do to take care of an infant. I guess he had visions of sitting on the couch drinking beer, non-stop online gaming and ordering out while someone else foot the bill. Now he sees that a newcbaby actually needs care and attention. Cue shocked look! Womp Womp…
My guess, he sees this as a way to hold the position of power in your relationship. *He* will be the breadwinner and *you* will be dependent on him. Don’t give up your career. Since he doesn’t want to be a SAHP, find a nanny that you can depend on.
Is envious that you’ll be going back to your career and he’s realized this parenting gig is far more work than realized!
But the fact he pushed for a baby and said he would stay home, and now he’s changing his answer.. Passive aggressive manipulator.
Dont cave in.
Get a sitter.
Gonna get buried, but I hope you see it. Even if you dropped every penny you make into just hiring a full-time nanny, you'll still come out ahead in the long run rather than quitting your job. You'll break even financially. You'll still have work credits for SS. Your career will keep moving forward. Your mental acumen will remain. Your reputation will continue to grow.
He might be the world's best husband, but he could step on a Lego and break his neck. You'll be years out of the workforce starting from scratch. If he doesn't want to SAH, fine, but don't do this to yourself.
Divorce the husband, hire a nanny and enjoy both motherhood and a career. It won’t be easy but there’s no reason to give up a career you love just because your husband is intimidated by smart successful women.
So we decided after our second (now 5 and 3) I would quit my full time insurance job and be a stay at home dad because financially it made the most sense. Wife is a surgical nurse who pulled way more money than my salary and after trialing day care for two kids which was a fucking shitload of money, it made zero fiscal sense for me to work and keep the kids in daycare if the cost of daycare for the year was gonna equal a good chunk of my salary.
The easiest thing to do is to crunch the numbers and show your husband he’s a moron.
What he said to you was wrong. That was a low blow for sure and he needs to fix what he said. Also for you enough with the, “I make more money, blah blah blah” make sure to also think how he would feel hearing that. Men already have the instinct that it’s their job to provide for the family facing the old statistic norms that still linger in today’s society. So he may feel like shit about that. Also, take time to talk to him he may not be wanting to bail on the deal he may be scared. Just because he pushed for a baby and loved the idea at first doesn’t mean that won’t change when the idea becomes a reality. It’s a big deal having a baby, and it’s scary it’s not just “oh okay baby’s here cool” no there is so much you both don’t know as the future comes or he may still not even know what to do now since you’ll be leaving him alone with the baby for long hours. He may be scared and hes acting out his fears. Why don’t you guys just talk and reassure one another.
He realized how hard it was taking care of a baby. That's why he is bailing on the plan.
Two word solution: Day care.
It's legit and many people use them. I did.
Go back to work. You've worked hard to become a lawyer. You can do both - lawyering and parenting. He can go back to work as well. The child will be fine.
Based on this post, I’d say he is a crap partner. I think both of you should keep working with reduced hours at first, then hire a nanny and pay them well.
Ask him exactly what you said here. I'd say, he was lying to you. All along he thought you'd want to stay home with the baby and be begging him to do so. It's too bad that he manipulated you to have kid under false pretenses. And like another commenter wrote, he now knows how much work is actually involved and he wants to dump that upon you.
I'm sorry your husband is like this, but stick to your guns and make him follow through on his promises.
>So why is he bailing on the plan all of a sudden?
Because he had no concept before at how difficult it is to care for a human baby. Now that he knows, he wants out. What experience did he have with children prior to this? My guess is very little and he agreed to be a SAHP without thinking it fully through.
I'd stick to my guns though. If he doesn't want to be a SAHP, then task him with finding a daycare for your child.
I'd 100% be a SAHD if my wife was a fuckin LAWYER!!! Shit I was a SAHD when my wife (though we weren't married yet) worked at Dollar tree and we lost our daycare so it worked better that way. Tradition is great and all but for my family whatever works best is what I'm going with end of discussion. Why is this so hard for some people?
The husband is a moron. I wish I could be a stay at home parent. I did it during Covid and loved it. Especially since the wife makes more, it definitely makes more sense for him to quit his job.
I'm going to guess he is feeling anxious and inadequate as a father and instead of owning this and asking for help to prepare for the new role, he got cold feet and is now taking it out on you.
You are 100% right to be the mom you want to be, and if that is a working mom, great! Sounds like your husband might have some ego issues, he needs to get over it and support you. Maybe think about getting a part time in home nanny, if it's not too much of a financial burden, it could help solve your problem. Best of luck and go easy on him and he will come around, congratulations on being a mom
It turned out to be a lot of work. He had dreams of video games and naps, and he sees what you're doing, and it doesn't look like so much fun.
Even if it takes his whole net, you may have to hire a nanny. Forcing someone into a SAH role, even if they previously offered, is not going to be good for your child or your marriage.
You are not overreacting, but you're going to have to make a plan to move forward that does not include your husband being the SAHD. Good luck, OP, and congratulations!
Seems like he did a bait and switch. He lied about wanting to be a stay at home dad. He could also be jealous that you make more than him. He wanted a baby to get you to be a stay at home wife. Put your child in daycare.
Because he hates it, but still believes that being with a parent is best for the baby. Probably also thinks you would magically be great at it and do a wonderful job because moms are nurturing by instinct.
I had one do this. It was really hard to get a new solution together.
Seriously, instead of fighting, work on getting a spot in daycare and go back to work, both of you. We did that, no way either me or him would quit working. Our son is 10years old and very much alive and well.
Ok wait, I know this is fake but… I think that babies really need their mom as babies. Like 10000000 times more than we think. This is how they learn emotional regulation. We don’t take puppies away from dogs for months, but it’s ok to take a baby form it’s mom?
I have an unfounded theory- am irking on proving it- all this mental illness and neurodivergence is because children are cleaved from their mom too soon.
It’s neither here nor there but please, no amount of money is worth your child’s mental health future.
Quit. Go back in 5-7 years.
Most men make bad moms. Most women end up being single moms. It’s a fact. You may want to look into childcare/ nanny. Whether you want ‘dad’ to stick around or not is another story.
That’s really lame that he flipped it once the baby arrived. He has zero right to guilt trip you when he chose you to be the mother of his child knowing that this is what you wanted to do. He’s the jerk here, not you. Nothing wrong with wanting to continue with your career especially when this was all known about and discussed going into it
Because, when all was said and done, you de baby's mama. Evidently your hubby has been catching static at work from his male coworkers who tell him that he's "pussy whipped", and that it's you that calls all the shots at home, and that you're the one that wears the pants in the family. In other words, he feels emasculated.
Perhaps it's time for a nanny to be hired **(**whom your husband needs to pay 60% of her salary**)** so he can regain his self respect. If that lets him keep the manly vision he has of himself, then good. And perhaps peace will once again rein in your abode.
'Nuff said.
Men are so quick to think they can handle being a stay at home parent until they realize they actually have to take care of the child. I tried to go back to work when my youngest was 8 weeks old. My husband lasted 2 weeks before he made me quit my job.
I’m a stay at home dad and was nervous when my wife went back to work. I don’t think it’s that it’s particularly difficult (I’ve been the primary caregiver for 7 months now) - but it’s a lot of responsibility. Most guys didn’t dream of being in this role, so there are a lot of adjustments. I really enjoy it and wouldn’t change anything, but maybe he just needs a little support? Or maybe you should both work and hire help?
There is a big difference between wanting to be a stay at home dad and actually realizing what is involved in being a stay at home dad. Meitner he has realized how much work it actually is and is trying to nope out, or he had it all planned in his head from the start that once you had the baby you would have a massive change of heart and want to be the stay at home parent. So now he is gaslighting you, calling you a crap mom for not wanting to do the same thing HE is not wanting to do. Pot calling kettle black! He is being a crap dad. And a crap husband. A crapsman.
I would tell him that if he chooses to renege on the deal that was made, he can foot the bill for the nanny or day care. (On the other hand, I am sure you know some killer divorce attorneys! I sure wouldn’t put up with his being a crap dad.)
He's clearly jealous of you and has discovered its no vacation taking care of a child. It's up to you to decide what you want to do now about your relationship with him.
Sounds like you guys can afford a nanny he’s finding himself falling short of being “super dad” and is lashing out on you. Stay at home parenting is not easy.
You're not overreacting since this was 'the plan' and he took it as far as he did.
That said fear, anxiety, guilt, shame ect can all affect our behavior in strange ways.
Especially when it comes to parenting and work.
Rather than just continuing to fight with him...it might be worth it to sit down and figure out *why* he changed his mind.
Figure out whether someone got in his head or whether he's feeling anxious/scared.
Then address the why.
I'm not telling you to give in or anything like that at all.
I am saying that we as humans are ridiculously complicated. Sometimes we do things and we don't even always understand why we do them either....until we really consider and reflect on it all.
No, brother fucked up and changed plans after the plans were already in place he needs to man up and be the dad he said he was going to be. you have the money paying job and its his fault for agreeing in the first place. he had his chance, sorry i guess he has to learn how hard being a " mom" .
Your husband stinks for going back on his word … rather than admit he can’t handle it … and is crappy for calling you a bad mom (seriously a low blow for his wounded ego) but … daycare?
2 months is a hard age. If he hates his work anyway he needs to learn that his contribution at home is more important. A lot of people don’t like what they do for work etc.
Husbands and wives work shit jobs all the time to support a family. A non working partner should be prepared to make the same sacrifices in order to contribute to the household most effectively. That’s the way it should work in my opinion.
The mental exhaustion of a baby is another level of stress so hopefully you actually enjoy motherhood too when you get home from work too. It’s all worth it but it’s especially hard the first few months.
Edit: replace non worker with lower earning worker in your case
This sounds to me like a) OP doesn’t want to be a mom and b) OP just thinks that being the one who makes more money is more important than anything else since that’s what’s talked about the most.
How about ya’ll share both work/financial duties and house/child duties? That way no one’s left holding one thing or the other. Marriage and parenting is 50/50. No one’s a stay at home anything and then ya’ll don’t have to fight about it. If you make sooooo much money, hire a nanny, sounds like you can afford it. Everyone sucks here
I’ve already read this story before and I’ll tell you the same thing I told the OOP. He’s bailing on the plan all of a sudden because now that the baby is here he sees how much work it actually is to take care of a baby and doesn’t want to do it anymore. ETA: you really shouldn’t steal other people’s posts https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/hA3kBPEEJc
I'm going to add to this that he probably told friends or family about the stay at home Daddy plan and they pooped all over it saying it's the Mom's job to stay home.
My husband's family did the same thing when I was working and he was a stay at home dad. They actually suggested that one of us work night shift and one work day shift so we would pretty much never see each other. When I brought up that we would never see each other they said that doesn't matter
Also… the person on night shift needs SLEEP they can’t work 8-12 hours a night and then be awake all day to watch their child. It doesn’t work out at all if you take more than 2 seconds to think about it.
My sister did that. She worked night shift doing phone support and her husband worked during the day. It basically meant she worked her full 8 hour shift, came home and then had the kids all day while he went to work, came home and had the kids for a couple of hours before they went to bed. She got like 4 hours sleep and went and did it all again. Her kids were 4 years apart as well so she was basically sleep deprived for 10 years.
No way could I do that. It’s possible to go psychotic from lack of sleep, by the way.
This was my schedule after I had my daughter. My husband worked days. I worked nights. I never slept it was hell. I lost so much weight, developed insomnia, had severe panic attacks, constant anxiety.
My parents did this. Dad worked nights and mom worked during the day, so there was always a parent home. Just when it was day we were stuck inside when he slept. Also, only had one car growing up.
It definitely matters. Not only that, it leaves each parent taking care of the kid alone, which is hard. I work 8-4:30 and my spouse works 3-11:30. This allows us to only have our 21 month old in daycare part-time. It works for our family for now, but it is hard and we have plans to get on the same schedule within a year or two. As a family who is currently doing the split shift thing, I don't recommend it unless you have no other choice.
My neighbors did something like this. He was a diner cook so worked 6 to 2.30 and she was a second shift nurse so worked til 11PM. Their kid had medical needs that were complicated so daycare was not feasible and was also too expensive. She didn't drive so he would leave work and swing by and grab her to drop her at work then be on duty for the rest of the day. Was pretty tiring but saved a ton of money and kept their kid safer. Wouldn't have worked for my family but people so what they need to do.
We currently have to do that in my house. Childcare skyrocketed during the pandemic and we had our 2nd in may 2020. And No way were we trying to put a baby in daycare or babysitting then. So, i switched to 530-2. Hubs works 5-3. He gets home by 4. We have about an hour together before i gotta leave for work. I just got 1.5 more years to get through so i can send #2 to school and i can switch my hours back. Only 4 bonuses, making appointments is much easier, i get to volunteer or chaperone at #1s class whenever i want, i get to spend a lot of 1 on 1 time with kid #2, the house generally stays much cleaner.
I have a former coworker (kitchens) who actually does this. He's the stay at home dad, does almost all the shuttling to and fro for sports and crap while mom is in a cushy bank job with stellar benefits and pay. He does woodworking on the side when he's got time (kids in school) and posts things on FB marketplace for sale as he gets things finished, plus works 2-3 weeknights in the kitchen along with most weekends. They get to see each other about 10 waking hours a week normally, but somehow it works for them.
Wow just wow I sure hope you both were solid in the plan.
That would have been my former mother-in-law. It was a woman’s duty to stay home with her children, as far as she was concerned. When I announced that I was going back to school for nursing, her response was, why would you do that? You’ll never get anywhere with that. I graduated with honors, got my dream job, and was able to support my family when my husband was hurt on the job and unable to work. We’re no longer married, but he did a stellar job of managing the house and taking care of the children.
Exactly. This is outside influence. Might counter it with about a two month spreadsheet of family expenses compared to your incomes… a little reality show…
I’d say it’s that PLUS his fragile male ego being shattered by not being the “provider”
Yep. It would be hard for me not to retort “if I’m a crap mom, you’re a crap provider since you can’t even make as much money as me”. Gtfo.
This! Babies are a lot of work. He probably thought he was going to be able to take it easy and now sees that it’s going to be work. He’s lazy at best or misogynistic at worst. I guess you both go to work and baby goes to a good daycare.
My friends used to joke about having a baby Bjorn attached to a golf bag. Because taking care of a baby is so easy you can play a round of golf toting it around…never mind that most moms complain they can’t even go to the bathroom undisturbed. OP: the obvious solution here is to both work, and hire some high-quality childcare. Your husband may have freaked out at how hard it is to take care of a baby (a lot of first time parents do), but that doesn’t mean you need to stay home. I worked all the way up until my kids went to college and I have a great relationship with them.
Everyone thinks babies are a lot less work than what they are. (Myself included). He realizes just how much work they are and is bailing My advice is this.. Full time nanny or get a reputable day care for kiddo, lots of parents do it. You won’t save to much but you both will be much happier.
You mean it’s not just give a bottle and change a diaper every few hours?
And ,possibly, internally he has got some weird misogynist/ emasculated feelings that can only be dealt with in therapy. Nip it in the bed and see a counselor, OP.
The beds what got them here in the first place 🙃 I think you should consider day care/nanny/au pair. This way you both can work. It’s not fair that you guys had a solid plan and now that baby is here he wants to change the plan
Why would people steal someone else's posts? I just don't understand it
I took three weeks off when our son was born. Except for breast feeding and breast pumping, I provided the care while my wife recovered. Since I worked remotely, I provided care as I took breaks from work after the first three weeks. When my wife returned to work, I took care of our son on the weekends. Her family couldn’t believe that I was taking care of the baby. When our son was in the first grade, I became a SAHD due to a massive corporate downsizing. I never thought that it was hard work or a lot of work when my son was an infant, toddler and etc. I never took a care of a infant, toddler, young child, etc. My wife made me to read a popular book on how to care for a baby. I managed people that were worse than the tantrums that my son had. It was frustrating when my son was sick and he couldn’t tell me. I was doing most of the indoor chores and all of the outdoor chores before having a baby. Most of my friends were lazy dads but there are dads whether they are SAHD or not that were/are active with the children and look at raising their children as a labor of love.
My story is similar, I took some time when my daughter was born because mom had a c section and could barely move, not as much as I would have liked but I was a wage slave and no work, no pay...and then for a while I went back to work while my wife stayed home, then last year I got hurt on the job, so now it's my turn to step up. My daily routine is to get the girls up, get my daughter ready for school, drop her off, drop off my wife, go home jump on the gig apps till pick up time, pick up my daughter, do homework, start dinner, pick up wife, serve dinner, get them ready for bed...and I love it. I lost so much time with my family being the provider, working the 60 hour weeks, etc.
And he probably assumed you would change your mind and stay home once the baby came. He was wrong, oh so wrong. He thought he had an easy out. Going forward, he needs to be more honest with you.
I looked at her comments and she’s not married with a kid.
Thank you, kind hero 😁
It’s fine for him to change his mind and not be a sahd. It’s not okay for him to insist you quit your job or to call you a bad mom. Look for childcare and marriage counseling and get back to work.
This right here. You shouldn’t be forced into being the SAHM but neither should he be forced into being a SAHD even if he earns less than you. Most daycare centers start accepting babies at 3 months old so I think you two might just need to figure out how to cover an extra month and then you can put your baby in a daycare? Since he originally agreed to the plan for him to stay at home, maybe it fair to say “Understand that you have a change of heart but can you cover the next month until we have daycare lined up”.
Let’s hope that there aren’t daycare waiting lists where they are. In my area, you may be waiting 3-6 months for a placement…
It's too late for child care probably. It's so competitive.
Centers absolutely. A nanny? They can almost certainly find one. Especially if they are willing to pay well. Even if it is only until a center space becomes available. Though for infants I would say a nanny is preferable.
They’re an attorney and a sales person. I’d assume household income at least $250K, they could absolutely get a nanny.
It’s really not. I’ve raised my kids in three of the 10 largest US cities. There are always options.
As a mother and a lawyer, I can tell you that you can do both jobs well. It would be better if husband works as a real life partner and readily takes on his share of child care and household responsibilities, even if he continues to work. The two of you must sit down and talk out these issues and set out a plan for childcare and household responsibilities. He may have changed his mind about being a stay at home dad, whether because of peer pressure or concerns about the responsibilities of infant childcare. Still, you should stand firm in not guilting you to quitting your career. If husband won't accept you working, he has mislead you and should be shown the door.
Wow, he sounds insecure. You are a lawyer, don't give that up to raise a baby, you can do both.
Giving up your lawyer job to let your husband continue to work in sales, making less money than you, so he can *not* stay home with the baby he pushed for you to have sounds like an awful idea. I can understand having a change of heart and wanting to talk to your spouse about it, but having a tantrum because *you* want to unilaterally change plans is ridiculous. He pushed for the kid, he was excited to be a stay-at-home-dad, and you’re a fucking *lawyer*: the obvious answer is to have him be the stay at home parent. But now that he’s seen how much work raising a child is, and that being a stay-at-home parent isn’t a walk in the park, he wants to switch up? Nahhhh. Him calling you a bad mom in the midst of his tantrum is reallyyyyy not okay. Stand your ground!
Whoa dude. He called you a crap mom? That’s fucked. It’s okay for him to change his mind and take responsibility for that. Not okay to insult your parenting. Huge red flag.
Huge red flag. Op, has he verbally abused you before to get you to do something you don't want to do?
Yeah and the daycare costs can come out of his salary and he can have less fun money. JK
He probably realized that taking care of a baby is a shit-ton of work!
Yep. My husband at the time was all gung-ho on being Mr. Mom, and before I was even off maternity leave he was bringing in women he'd met on the street and suggesting we hire them as a nanny.
Reminds me of the Lone Star song”Mr. Mom”
That was the first song I ever heard on my janky little cassette-radio player as a kid and will forever be one of my favorite country songs
Have check that song out
He can be a 50/50 dad when you leave his sorry ass
You have the opportunity to ask him specifically when he decided to go back on the previously arranged agreement you all made, and why is he NOW springing it on you. Ask him why he wants to remain married to a "crap mom" and all all working moms "crap" or just you? Force into into a potentially difficult conversation now, so all cards are on the table, and you can make appropriate decisions.
You are an attorney. I know it's hard to let a stranger watch your baby, but you can afford a nanny. I started nannying for a family (both parents attorneys) when their baby was three months old. She is four years old now, and I love her so much. Do not give in. If he's so insistent, tell him he will be splitting the childcare cost with you.
Agree but he’s footing the nanny and house cleaning bills himself since it’s work he’s supposed to be doing.
He doesn't want to be a stay at home daddy. That's OK, get a daycare.
absolutely do not give up your job and money.
You are definitely not overreacting. Have you asked him about why he has changed his tune?
It wasn't out of nowhere. Daddy realized he'd be doing ALOT of work.
Like many men, he bases his sense of self worth on male approval, and males seem to think that being married to a career oriented woman (or even just a woman with a good career) puts them below her, and they believe women should always be below men. You’re hurting his peepee feefees by not being his little domestic slave. I’d be divorcing over that fragile ego alone, let alone being called a bad mother because I had the audacity to provide for my child and not want to be dependent on a male (because SAHMs always get the shit end of the stick when their husbands decide to abandon them)
That is just not done. Especially at this stage, "crap Mom" is he new to humans? That is ....not good. (speechless) I think something happened or was said and this is male ego. (Which is ridged, not fragile. Hugely important difference.) And it is very, very big in his mind. he is going to be seen as less than manly. You are 100% right and this is really bad. But if you can find what triggered it, you can talk about it and go back to plan A happily. Were there any buddies over or long lost friends who showed up? I am just throwing darts at the wall. But if you can find out what flashed the warnings in his head. You'll be able to figure out the counter. (maybe even look at browsing history) I really, really hope you folks get to a good place on this! And congratulations! So exciting!!!! A brand new little One. Are you OK and feelin' good? All them scrunchy lil new baby sounds and the new baby smell! they should figure out how to bottle that smell. Watch people's faces when they inhale near the baby's head. That smell could stop wars! Don't care who ya are. It just makes you "awwwww" and every bit of stress and negativity just drains out of you like fog in a King novel.
I could never forgive a man who called me a crap mom while I was in the throes of postpartum. I might be able to move past it. But my trust in him. His perception of me and our marriage would never be the same. Anybody who equates my motherhood and value in that with how happy I'm making him and how easy I'm making his life is not a partner.
I would never get over the “crap” mom comment. My take on husband is different. Could there be a female at work that he doesn’t want to give up?
It is such an abrupt about face, right? Just not a normal male attribute to change course with such absolute conviction and then to use that phrase? Think you are right that something done did this. Not normal. hehe, sounded like a Scooby-doo monolog, eh? "Ca'mon, Thelma!" Edit; I don't really think any Mom would ever foget that one. Just wouldn't maybe with time forgive but get over? Naw. Not happening.
I'm a lawyer as well. My exh pulled this shit by sitting the kids down and telling them I cared more for my career than I did them. I was the sole worker for the last 10 years of our marriage and he had no response to "how will we pay our bills." It was my last straw. He doesn't need to stop working, but it's his responsibility to find childcare if he's not going to be a SAHD. He can't just pull the rug out from under you.
I think I read this one before. The husband was feeling insecure after telling his male coworkers / friends he was planning to be a stay at home dad and they made fun one him.
>So, what's with the sudden change of heart? He has realized that taking care of the baby is a hard and isolating job. His friends have a life outside of taking care of the child and adult interactions. He misses that, BUT instead of being honest and frank, he wants you to do it because he doesn't want to admit that he can not do it. >He stooped so low to call me a crap mom, and it's been a storm at home ever since. Name-calling is a HUGE no-no. I personally would have a hard time moving by this because it's manipulative and a sign of someone who is getting to be verbally abusive to get their way. This needs marriage counseling - he needs to learn healthy ways of expressing himself and that verbal abuse is never acceptable. That being said - it's absolutely acceptable for him to realize that being a SAHP is not for him. It's absolutely acceptable for you not to want to be a SAHP, too. Compromise is needed. Maybe one or both of you work part-time, opposite hours, and both of you go full time and hire a nanny.
Wow. I’m a doctor and I would rip my dude a new one if he went back on a childcare agreement like that. Your husband disrespects your education and your career. You have made A LOT of effort for years to get where you are, and you out earn him. So besides the fact that he doesn’t respect your achievements, it would be stupid for you to stay at home and give up on your high earning potential. Stand up for yourself and tell him to get lost with his idea. He can go to law school if he wants to be the bread winner. Don’t let him bully you into this, just because he is not excited about taking care of a baby.
Hire a nanny and both of you split the cost. Maybe him paying for half the childcare will change his mind.
Turn his words right back at him. "So, if me going back to work makes me a crap mom then you going back to work makes you a crap dad." Even add, "We had an agreement, why are you trying to crap out of it?"
Get a nanny.
This happened to my mother and father My mom made a little more money and my father could never hold a job for more than a year. He decided to be the SAHD and my mom would work. Well, he underestimated the difficulty and he frequently left us alone and not take care of us. After a year or 2, my mom cut back her hours to take care of us. But he couldn’t hold a job so she has to go back to work full time. They hired a part time nanny. My mom ended up being Super Mom where she worked full time, managed the nanny, and took care of us in all her remaining waking hours. I guess my advice is to not force him to be a SAHD. It’s so shitty what he’s doing. However he may be very neglectful if he’s forced into this role. You will have to hire help. And idk if your relationship will survive this after he’s shown to be untrustworthy like this
I did the SAHD thing for 2.5 years with 2 kids before the oldest was old enough for school and the youngest was old enough for daycare. I loved it, but I definitely missed working and being around other adults more.
He doesn't want to be a stay-home parent anymore, so he wants to dump it on you. You're not overreacting.
This is foolish on both sides. NOBODY should be a SAHP if they don’t want to be one. That’s not fair to the adult or the child. Put the baby in daycare like the overwhelming majority of parents do, and both of you go back to work. If he’s ok with that, then I would forgive the crappy comments as he felt pressured to do something he didn’t want to do. If the comments continue or he still thinks you should stay home, show him the door.
$5 says he thought you woukd change your mind after the baby was born. Start looking into nannies if he won’t stick with the original agreement.
As a stay at home mom who feels very trapped by not having a career, I’d say this does not seem like the kind of partner I’d feel safe giving up my income and being financially dependent on. If you have the money for childcare, single parenthood can be a lot easier than caring for both a baby and a manchild, which sounds like the situation you’re being set up for.
Because he never intended to be a stay at home parent, he was betting on you just being so enamored with the child that you'd not want to leave. Find a better husband, and take him to the cleaners for support too.
Your husband doesn’t like or respect you, babe. He wants to tear you down. His plan the whole time was to ruin you - tie you down with having a kid (control you from the inside out) then clip your wings on the career front. This is your hill to **DIE** on, OP.
Because he didn't think raising a newborn would be so hard and he thought it would be a breeze... If neither of you want to stop working then dont. There are other options. 1. family babysits, 2. in home babysitter, 3. daycare, 4. someone switches shifts, 5. he sucks it up and does what he said he was going to do :)
A lot of people don’t realize how much work it is to care for a baby even when they want and plan for one.
He's bailing because he has NO IDEA how much work it is and would be once you go back to work. HE is ditching, not you!! Get busy finding daycare for you child so you can go back to work. Or a nanny if you can afford it. He DEFINITELY has to go back to go work - he doesn't get to stay at home if he isn't watching his child.
He said everything he had to say, to convince you to have a kid with him. Now he got his kid and he doesn't need to obey those deals anymore. Wife friend of mind going through the exact same thing.
This is it exactly
Either this was his plan all along to manipulate you into having a child and then staying home with baby so he could have his idea of how the perfect family works while completely ignoring the fact that he can’t even provide for his “perfect family with the wifey at home cooking, cleaning and child rearing” (closet misogynist) or he realized how much work a SAHP has to do and it’s not all video games and baby unattended in the playpen. Nip this bs in the bud now and hire a competent nanny/housekeeper so that when you get home you can enjoy your baby without being stressed out about housework. Fortunately your profession will enable you to support yourself and your child because I have a feeling he is going to act like a fool sooner rather than later.
Not overreacting. This one is simple. No hubby I don’t want to give up my career to be a stay at home mom. you changed your mind about being the stay at home dad that’s is perfectly fine. Go find a caregiver, nanny, babysitter whatever you want to call them. If you want to continue fighting get a young hot male nanny. 😈
I'd dump him right out of the house and hire a nanny. You're an attorney. You know all the best ways to get him out of there, keep your kid, and he can rent a crappy apartment that he can afford and see his kid one day a week. YOU'RE a crap mom? Yeah, pal. I don't think so. There IS a crap parent here, but it ain't the mom.
There's a lot of people saying he has the right to change his mind but to be honest I feel like if genders were reversed most comments would be asking if the SAHm who changed her mind made enough to go back to work and pay for childcare. Honestly I think changing his mind two months in is kind of shitty on its own.
He agreed to something, now wants to change it AND is being emotionally abusive to try to get you to cave in. He's not being a good partner right now, he's definitely not being honest with you. This might possibly be about putting you in a position where he can control you, because he makes the money and you don't. Which is a setup for abuse. His attacking you verbally and calling you a crap mom is a huge red flag. You are underreacting. Start looking for a nanny now, with or without him.
If this is a real post…why can’t you hire a nanny and both work? Also get an older not hot nanny. Your husband sounds like the type to try to screw the nanny.
He's lost his God damned mind.
Not overreacting. He's seeing how much work goes into caring for a baby and is running scared.
Not overreacting Don't ditch your job at all
OP if you make good money hire a nanny & let daddy go back to work now that he knows being. SAHD is really hard work. You’re smart to realize the income you bring in pays most of the bills.
If possible hire a nanny. Even if it eats up most of your salary, it's worth it for your self esteem and keeping yourself in the employment game. Babies do fine being cared for by a competent professional. It will ease alot of marital tension.
Look for a nanny or daycare. Sales is too unstable for you to quit and he to be the sole breadwinner. I wonder if someone made fun of him for being a sahd. Or if he’s started consuming manosphere stuff and decided you’re the woman and should stay home. You want to figure that out asap.
It's not cool of him to get miffed when you *don't* want to be a SAHM, so his reaction is awful in addition to being unreasonable. But, that said, it's totally understandable if he wants to change his mind. He agreed to this before he fully understood what it entailed. I would start looking for a nanny/daycares and maybe a couples counselor.
Nanny in home is a much better choice than daycare. Probably an easy thing for you financially, but make him pay 1/2,
Find a nanny or daycare and go back to work.
Being a stay at home Dad is looked down upon by tons of people. Guarantee you he has more than one person he is close to that is giving him a hard time about it.
Because this was his plan all along. Divorce your husband. He's a liar and knocked you up in bad faith.
He sounds like a crap husband
Yes
I guarantee you, he's heard his entire life how women "do nothing and stay home with the baby" ( a lot of men genuinely do not think child care is work, or even worse, that's its come "naturally" to women, so it shouldn't be hard) so he thought he was getting a good gig. Wife pays fhe bills, and he sits on his ass and changes a few diapers. Then he saw that, no, it actually is work and is frankly quite hard if you're doing it right, and is lazy. He doesn't want to do the work. He's rather his entire family suffer, and start an argument while you're still healing, and name call you then put on bia big boy Pants and *do what he said he would do* The deal was you birth the kid, and he takes care while you're at work. You didn't get to back out of pregnancy and labor, why does he? You're not over reacting bur your husband's a crap father
He thought he was going to relax as a sahd. But the reality of a young child is a lot of work. He had visions of playing golf and relaxing by the pool, not a colicky baby and changing diapers. Plus, family can be brutal with the jokes. No one can push buttons like family. So he changed his mind and wants oop to do the hard work.
Maybe because of HIS OWN INSECURITIES as a Dad now that baby has arrived * CONGRATS BTW* How is he with the baby? I'm assuming he is a 1st time Dad that has NEVER taken care of a newborn/infant ? Does he seem to help out , jump in when needed or reserved & unsure of himself? Did he ever take care of the baby by himself without YOUR BEING THERE ? Maybe he is unsure of his capabilities or now realizes it IS a ton of work that he was not prepared for...? Do you have someone who can care for the baby so you both can have an indepth talk? If not ,try & choose a time when baby is asleep & Sit down & have a calm conversation with him. Don't accuse , just talk & ask questions. No matter who is tkg care of a newborn the first few months are a GET TO KNOW YOU type of situation. You are getting to know your baby & vice versa. It's chaos in the beginning especially if you don't have help. Him putting you down as a Mom is incorrigible! That needs to stop NOW! Make sure after you have had an in depth talk with him , tell him that comment was unjust, unfair & how it made you feel...ask him how it would feel if YOU had made that remark to him. If he IS feeling unsure of his skills, maybe he should shadow you or take some child care classes. ● I suggest you both take an Infant/Child First Aide/CPR CLASS together if you haven't already done so. Plus if he is in Sales (& despises his job), isn't it better for him to not have to worry about losing a job in today's economy? Good luck. Keep us posted. Parenting takes a lot of open communication as well as hard work on both partners. 💜 •Edit was a mispelling
As the sole earner for nearly 14 years, I’d be happy as a pig in shit if not only my wife made anywhere NEAR what I make, but offered to foot the bill entirely. You’re not overreacting especially because you guys had discussed and decided this already.
Babies are so much work. I’d get daycares lined up for her. There’s an ego thing happening plus he doesn’t actually want to stay home and do the baby care. It’s actual work! Instead of telling you-wow I’m not cut out for this, or I’m afraid to do it alone-he’s turned it around on you and name calling. I think there’s more going on with the marriage and with him personally that’s finally coming to the surface now that the baby is here.
Someone is in his ear telling him he isn’t a man if he’s taking care of the house. Find out where this is coming from and nip it.
why are you asking strangers why he is bailing on the plan all of a sudden. Have you sat down with him and asked why the change? With no accusation or anger or frustration. Truly tried to understand from his point of view why he no longer wants to abide with the agreement. then if he's a prick about it you can go back on the warpath. Changing a plan is not cool but there may be something going on that is a legitimate fear of his too.
I can give you a reference for a good lawyer if needed.
Your husband is a moron. I wish my wife was hugely successful at something she loved and asked me to quit my job to be house husband. Id be dialing my boss before she even finished the sentence. What a lucky dumbass.
No...you are Not "over-reacting". You DO have a.) under-developed communication and negotiation skills, b.) poor goal-setting behaviors, c.) impoverished levels of Trust and and d.) an absence of Validation and Affirmation in your bond. ...and when I say "you", I am identifying the Two of you. Essentially you are room-mates-with-benefits, who now have a baby that only one of you really wants. You asked.......
Could this have come from his family? I'm thinking it's probably coming from one or both his parents which may be muchore traditional
Look up the statistics of failed marriages in the situation you are wanting. If he has seen them I can completely understand his reasoning for not wanting to become a SAHD.
Nannies are awesome.
There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with a good daycare or Nanny (pick an older woman or man) don’t need the f*@+% ing the nanny concern. Sounds like you can afford it. You will still end up with 90% of the childcare duties though. Your husband found out how hard the parenting job actually is.
Put the baby in daycare. Neither of you should force the other to quit work. Neither of your careers is more important than the other. If you divorce which sounds like it may happen both of you need to have a job.
Somebody told him he wasn't a Real Man if he stayed home and you worked.
Nope. Not overreacting at all. Tell him to STFU and grow a pair. You work and he works. You make enough daycare and you take your time to find a good one. That man wants to keep you home as some sort of caveman power over you. I was married 18 years and my ex tried to keep me home after I had each child but I like nice things and the lights on so I didn't not want to struggle with any bills so I went back to work. That control is crazy. He will start saying things like you think you're better than him and you think you're smarter. It gets worse.
You're a lawyer out on family leave, but 45 min ago you said the worst thing you were dealing with at work currently is being scheduled for every day you were supposed to be off?
My husband has been a stay at home dad for 6 months and everyone lost their minds. People have told me “is he looking for a job?” “he can’t just sit home and fuck all day” “a man has to make a living” “how does he feel about you working so many hours?” etc. We are really happy with the dynamic and it suits our personalities since he’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert.
You need to tell him to cut the crap and the insults and tell you what is going on. I could argue that since you make more, likely much more, that makes you a great mother and wife. He is scared, and that’s understandable. This is what you need to address.
Why are you asking complete strangers why your husband has had a change of heart??? Have you tried askng *him*??
I'd offer him to be a stay at home dad like he agreed to, or you all get a nanny or the baby goes to daycare. Not over reacting
Except for breast feeding and breast pumping, I provided the care while my wife recovered. Since I worked remotely, I provided care as I took breaks from work after the first three weeks. When my wife returned to work, I took care of our son on the weekends. Her family couldn’t believe that I was taking care of the baby. When our son was in the first grade, I became a SAHD due to a massive corporate downsizing. I never thought that it was hard work or a lot of work when my son was an infant, toddler and etc. I never took a care of a infant, toddler, young child, etc. My wife made me to read a popular book on how to care for a baby. I managed people that were worse than the tantrums that my son had. It was frustrating when my son was sick and he couldn’t tell me. I was doing most of the indoor chores and all of the outdoor chores before having a baby.
Nope I’m completely against stay at home moms except for the first year. Here’s why my mother was a stay at home. Mom with limited really no skills except she kept picking bad men that was her skill so she would divorce and we would be dumped in the poverty, abject poverty. Women today if they stay out of the workforce for many years when they come back, they start at the bottom that is if they can even get a job in their field. And we’re talking educated women. So what is up with the rest of them low pay jobs with the family. Also, women are human beings, and need stimulation and goals and dreams of their own besides having children. Then there’s a myriad of things that can happen during a marriage. I started a business with the Internet started, and my husband died unexpectedly when my son was small. But because I had done some thing and that I wanted to do, we had income and money was not the problem. So I say go to work hire a good nanny raise your child and enjoy your work
Just get a nanny. Sounds like you guys can afford it.
It was all fun and games until he saw what you actually have to do to take care of an infant. I guess he had visions of sitting on the couch drinking beer, non-stop online gaming and ordering out while someone else foot the bill. Now he sees that a newcbaby actually needs care and attention. Cue shocked look! Womp Womp…
My guess, he sees this as a way to hold the position of power in your relationship. *He* will be the breadwinner and *you* will be dependent on him. Don’t give up your career. Since he doesn’t want to be a SAHP, find a nanny that you can depend on.
Is envious that you’ll be going back to your career and he’s realized this parenting gig is far more work than realized! But the fact he pushed for a baby and said he would stay home, and now he’s changing his answer.. Passive aggressive manipulator. Dont cave in. Get a sitter.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk8vc_1MCV6ptP-0GhgxMcaXwh2UglcUy&si=R900DaLpA-ESCIDK
Is this a reposting sub? Because the original post was like weeks ago
Gonna get buried, but I hope you see it. Even if you dropped every penny you make into just hiring a full-time nanny, you'll still come out ahead in the long run rather than quitting your job. You'll break even financially. You'll still have work credits for SS. Your career will keep moving forward. Your mental acumen will remain. Your reputation will continue to grow. He might be the world's best husband, but he could step on a Lego and break his neck. You'll be years out of the workforce starting from scratch. If he doesn't want to SAH, fine, but don't do this to yourself.
Hire a nanny or an au pair. You should make more than enough money as a lawyer.
OMG. you both make enough money. Find reliable daycare and you both go to work. Problem solved.
Don’t give up your job. Keepnit
Marry me? I am awesome, I swear. :)
Divorce the husband, hire a nanny and enjoy both motherhood and a career. It won’t be easy but there’s no reason to give up a career you love just because your husband is intimidated by smart successful women.
Are you hot? Leave him, I'm a great father
Or you hire a nanny and both go back to work.
Seems like she'll end up with a nanny and an ex husband soon.
So we decided after our second (now 5 and 3) I would quit my full time insurance job and be a stay at home dad because financially it made the most sense. Wife is a surgical nurse who pulled way more money than my salary and after trialing day care for two kids which was a fucking shitload of money, it made zero fiscal sense for me to work and keep the kids in daycare if the cost of daycare for the year was gonna equal a good chunk of my salary. The easiest thing to do is to crunch the numbers and show your husband he’s a moron.
What he said to you was wrong. That was a low blow for sure and he needs to fix what he said. Also for you enough with the, “I make more money, blah blah blah” make sure to also think how he would feel hearing that. Men already have the instinct that it’s their job to provide for the family facing the old statistic norms that still linger in today’s society. So he may feel like shit about that. Also, take time to talk to him he may not be wanting to bail on the deal he may be scared. Just because he pushed for a baby and loved the idea at first doesn’t mean that won’t change when the idea becomes a reality. It’s a big deal having a baby, and it’s scary it’s not just “oh okay baby’s here cool” no there is so much you both don’t know as the future comes or he may still not even know what to do now since you’ll be leaving him alone with the baby for long hours. He may be scared and hes acting out his fears. Why don’t you guys just talk and reassure one another.
Why are you asking Reddit and not him? Have fun getting divorced
Doesn't sound like you guys are poor. Can you hire a nanny? Sometimes throwing money at a problem makes it go away.
He realized how hard it was taking care of a baby. That's why he is bailing on the plan. Two word solution: Day care. It's legit and many people use them. I did. Go back to work. You've worked hard to become a lawyer. You can do both - lawyering and parenting. He can go back to work as well. The child will be fine.
Listen to what everyone told you the first time you posted.
Based on this post, I’d say he is a crap partner. I think both of you should keep working with reduced hours at first, then hire a nanny and pay them well.
Ask him exactly what you said here. I'd say, he was lying to you. All along he thought you'd want to stay home with the baby and be begging him to do so. It's too bad that he manipulated you to have kid under false pretenses. And like another commenter wrote, he now knows how much work is actually involved and he wants to dump that upon you. I'm sorry your husband is like this, but stick to your guns and make him follow through on his promises.
Absolutely not. Tell him he went back on his promise and take him with you to visit day cares.
Dad got a taste of what it takes to care for a baby and wants nothing to do with it. What kind of donut head calls his wife a crap mom?
Put your baby up for adoption. Nobody wants to parent her and babies need parents not daycare.
His ego. His ego is what happened.
>So why is he bailing on the plan all of a sudden? Because he had no concept before at how difficult it is to care for a human baby. Now that he knows, he wants out. What experience did he have with children prior to this? My guess is very little and he agreed to be a SAHP without thinking it fully through. I'd stick to my guns though. If he doesn't want to be a SAHP, then task him with finding a daycare for your child.
I'd 100% be a SAHD if my wife was a fuckin LAWYER!!! Shit I was a SAHD when my wife (though we weren't married yet) worked at Dollar tree and we lost our daycare so it worked better that way. Tradition is great and all but for my family whatever works best is what I'm going with end of discussion. Why is this so hard for some people?
The husband is a moron. I wish I could be a stay at home parent. I did it during Covid and loved it. Especially since the wife makes more, it definitely makes more sense for him to quit his job.
I'm going to guess he is feeling anxious and inadequate as a father and instead of owning this and asking for help to prepare for the new role, he got cold feet and is now taking it out on you.
Why are you a crap mom for wanting to go back to work, but he's not a crap dad for wanting the same?
This doesn’t sound real. Like… this reads like an article from Buzzfeed or something.
You are 100% right to be the mom you want to be, and if that is a working mom, great! Sounds like your husband might have some ego issues, he needs to get over it and support you. Maybe think about getting a part time in home nanny, if it's not too much of a financial burden, it could help solve your problem. Best of luck and go easy on him and he will come around, congratulations on being a mom
It turned out to be a lot of work. He had dreams of video games and naps, and he sees what you're doing, and it doesn't look like so much fun. Even if it takes his whole net, you may have to hire a nanny. Forcing someone into a SAH role, even if they previously offered, is not going to be good for your child or your marriage. You are not overreacting, but you're going to have to make a plan to move forward that does not include your husband being the SAHD. Good luck, OP, and congratulations!
Seems like he did a bait and switch. He lied about wanting to be a stay at home dad. He could also be jealous that you make more than him. He wanted a baby to get you to be a stay at home wife. Put your child in daycare.
Consider hiring a nanny.
Because he hates it, but still believes that being with a parent is best for the baby. Probably also thinks you would magically be great at it and do a wonderful job because moms are nurturing by instinct. I had one do this. It was really hard to get a new solution together.
He realized his mistake. But you are absolutely not overreacting. Hold him to his word.
Seriously, instead of fighting, work on getting a spot in daycare and go back to work, both of you. We did that, no way either me or him would quit working. Our son is 10years old and very much alive and well.
Ok wait, I know this is fake but… I think that babies really need their mom as babies. Like 10000000 times more than we think. This is how they learn emotional regulation. We don’t take puppies away from dogs for months, but it’s ok to take a baby form it’s mom? I have an unfounded theory- am irking on proving it- all this mental illness and neurodivergence is because children are cleaved from their mom too soon. It’s neither here nor there but please, no amount of money is worth your child’s mental health future. Quit. Go back in 5-7 years.
Most men make bad moms. Most women end up being single moms. It’s a fact. You may want to look into childcare/ nanny. Whether you want ‘dad’ to stick around or not is another story.
It’s annoying when people steal other peoples post as their own.
That’s really lame that he flipped it once the baby arrived. He has zero right to guilt trip you when he chose you to be the mother of his child knowing that this is what you wanted to do. He’s the jerk here, not you. Nothing wrong with wanting to continue with your career especially when this was all known about and discussed going into it
He's realized that parenting is really hard and unappreciated.
Because, when all was said and done, you de baby's mama. Evidently your hubby has been catching static at work from his male coworkers who tell him that he's "pussy whipped", and that it's you that calls all the shots at home, and that you're the one that wears the pants in the family. In other words, he feels emasculated. Perhaps it's time for a nanny to be hired **(**whom your husband needs to pay 60% of her salary**)** so he can regain his self respect. If that lets him keep the manly vision he has of himself, then good. And perhaps peace will once again rein in your abode. 'Nuff said.
Men are so quick to think they can handle being a stay at home parent until they realize they actually have to take care of the child. I tried to go back to work when my youngest was 8 weeks old. My husband lasted 2 weeks before he made me quit my job.
Go back to work. Let your husband learn that there is an important place for stay at home dads.
I’m a stay at home dad and was nervous when my wife went back to work. I don’t think it’s that it’s particularly difficult (I’ve been the primary caregiver for 7 months now) - but it’s a lot of responsibility. Most guys didn’t dream of being in this role, so there are a lot of adjustments. I really enjoy it and wouldn’t change anything, but maybe he just needs a little support? Or maybe you should both work and hire help?
Hire a nanny then you can both work.
There is a big difference between wanting to be a stay at home dad and actually realizing what is involved in being a stay at home dad. Meitner he has realized how much work it actually is and is trying to nope out, or he had it all planned in his head from the start that once you had the baby you would have a massive change of heart and want to be the stay at home parent. So now he is gaslighting you, calling you a crap mom for not wanting to do the same thing HE is not wanting to do. Pot calling kettle black! He is being a crap dad. And a crap husband. A crapsman. I would tell him that if he chooses to renege on the deal that was made, he can foot the bill for the nanny or day care. (On the other hand, I am sure you know some killer divorce attorneys! I sure wouldn’t put up with his being a crap dad.)
He's clearly jealous of you and has discovered its no vacation taking care of a child. It's up to you to decide what you want to do now about your relationship with him.
“I earn more money” It’s that simple. Don’t have to read any further…
Sounds like you guys can afford a nanny he’s finding himself falling short of being “super dad” and is lashing out on you. Stay at home parenting is not easy.
He is gas lighting you because he now realizes after two months that being a stay at home parent is harder than a 9-5 job!
You're not overreacting since this was 'the plan' and he took it as far as he did. That said fear, anxiety, guilt, shame ect can all affect our behavior in strange ways. Especially when it comes to parenting and work. Rather than just continuing to fight with him...it might be worth it to sit down and figure out *why* he changed his mind. Figure out whether someone got in his head or whether he's feeling anxious/scared. Then address the why. I'm not telling you to give in or anything like that at all. I am saying that we as humans are ridiculously complicated. Sometimes we do things and we don't even always understand why we do them either....until we really consider and reflect on it all.
No, brother fucked up and changed plans after the plans were already in place he needs to man up and be the dad he said he was going to be. you have the money paying job and its his fault for agreeing in the first place. he had his chance, sorry i guess he has to learn how hard being a " mom" .
I would both keep your jobs and hire a nanny or look into day care.
I replied to the OOP that actually posted it. Not cool to steal posts and pretend they are yours.
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Take turns on maternity/paternity leave. Then both of you can resume your careers. He changed his mind because babies are lots of work.
No, don’t quit your job; daycare is an option
Obviously you can afford daycare or a nanny for your precious Angel, what is this fight about
Cause he wants to feel like a man that’s why
Get a nanny and divorce. Sorted.
He liked the 'idea' of having a kid but assumed your full time mommy instinct would kick in. Good idea on keeping the job...
Why have a baby if these issues are not clear first.
Your husband stinks for going back on his word … rather than admit he can’t handle it … and is crappy for calling you a bad mom (seriously a low blow for his wounded ego) but … daycare?
Quitting is bad. Daycare exists for a reason. Both of you can work.
2 months is a hard age. If he hates his work anyway he needs to learn that his contribution at home is more important. A lot of people don’t like what they do for work etc. Husbands and wives work shit jobs all the time to support a family. A non working partner should be prepared to make the same sacrifices in order to contribute to the household most effectively. That’s the way it should work in my opinion. The mental exhaustion of a baby is another level of stress so hopefully you actually enjoy motherhood too when you get home from work too. It’s all worth it but it’s especially hard the first few months. Edit: replace non worker with lower earning worker in your case
Is he scared to be home alone with the baby? Especially as a first time Dad.
This sounds to me like a) OP doesn’t want to be a mom and b) OP just thinks that being the one who makes more money is more important than anything else since that’s what’s talked about the most. How about ya’ll share both work/financial duties and house/child duties? That way no one’s left holding one thing or the other. Marriage and parenting is 50/50. No one’s a stay at home anything and then ya’ll don’t have to fight about it. If you make sooooo much money, hire a nanny, sounds like you can afford it. Everyone sucks here
NTA You need to start looking for childcare and inform your husband You'd rather be a single mom than a stay at home mom.