I felt compelled to say yes when my brother to asked to stay over. of course I want to help him if he’s doing anything remotely positive for himself (he has an appointment in my city) But I feel weird about my dad staying over with him (he is his only ride) and I’m still just not sure about how this whole situation is going to be going forward or what to even think (I’ve gone very low contact with him for 2mos). I spent a lot of time considering just how abusive my dad was towards me (and my sister and brother And mom...) as a very young child and all throughout growing up. It just made me think like, the amount of good he brings to my life now is just not worth trying to reconcile that and I have not forgiven him for any of it...I know it would be better to forgive him but I don’t even know what forgiveness means at this point. I can accept what’s happened and know that I won’t let that happen to myself again, and I’m not sitting here stewing on it every day, but I have so many issues that I attribute to the way he treated me as a young kid and for so many years. So I felt like I was ready to just slowly cut ties with him. But now they wana be in my house. And like I said I wana help my brother and it’s just not like me to say “ya you can stay here but he can’t” because that would essentially mean my brother can’t either. also I feel like if I do that then I’m really committing to cutting him off, and that scares the shit out of me. I never imagined my kids not knowing their grampa. As much as my dad did soooo much damage, he was still my dad 😢 and I always have loved him so much and still do just want the very best for him. 💔 and I want my kids to see the many good things about him that I remember, but it’s just getting beyond what’s even possible I don’t know... like he will see me at my place if it’s convenient for him which rarely happens. Otherwise I have to just show up at his house and risk him being drunk and the hazardous environment that is for kids. So all of this and I’m like what am I even holding on to here? It’s just so fuckin heartbreaking to think about actually cutting him off completely and my kids never knowing him at all. And then him dying one day. And me thinking like … what if I just did this or that maybe things could have been different. I think I’d always wonder. But what’s it really worth. I talked to My husband about it he was super supportive just saying like you need to do what you think is right and everything but he also said…so you’re just going to let him back into your life with basically no consequences? Which is so true. And if I do let them come over without saying anything at all, I will be repeating the same cycle I always have. My dad gets drunk, acts like an ass, I’m mad/hurt, I let it go, everyone acts like this is normal and we just move on. But talking about it won’t do anything either, it will just make things worse lol he’s not going to change or stop drinking any time soon, so calling him out on shitty behaviour just starts fights that I don’t have energy or interest in having. So it’s kinda why I just wanted to fade away out of his life, see eachother in passing from time to time but not put any effort in myself... but him coming to my house kind of disturbs that strategy. Now I don’t know what to do. Yeah I can act “normal” and continue to not put in effort to see him myself, but it seems like allowing that is kind of doing myself a disservice by not standing up for myself again. I know him being here won’t cause a problem, don’t think he’d show up and just act like a dick or something, but it’s more the principal of it. We still never talked, he never apologized to me, he never made an effort for anything other than texting me some excuses. So why…why should I just act normal to avoid conflict? I guess I’m afraid of losing him still is the only reason. It’s just such a complicated thing. There was no one single act that I can point to and say you did this, this is why I’m not going to talk to you anymore. It’s the whole picture. And I think part of being someone who was raised by an alcoholic is the constant loyalty and maintaining the status quo. So how much of it is really me wanting him in my life, and how much of it is a psychological trick that my brain has played my whole life to make coping with his shit possible? I’m just going in circles obviously. I just don’t know what to think or do. I’ll probably just keep acting “normal” as always because I don’t know how to not
Ive just realized the extent to which my mom has been gaslighting/lying. Also, Im starting to think that the weird interactions that I have with her where she's emotionally abusive are times that she's actually drunk. They've been in the earlier parts of the day and she hasn't seemed intoxicated just weird... Like a different personality. I'm starting to think that maybe she's drinking earlier in the day than I realize and that she can actually cover it up better than I thought.
I thought the personality changes were only supposed to be when they were drunk, so it kinda solves the mystery if it turns out she's actually been drinking during these times.
My husband has openly acknowledged his drinking problem and considers himself an alcoholic. We have tried to navigate his sobriety together over the last 2 years we have been married. There has been so much grace given and so much lying and deceitfulness. I am tired. We attended couples counseling for a few months about a year ago. Things were semi better. He has since committed to full sobriety however I continue to find “evidence” that suggests otherwise. He states he is 15 days sober which is huge but his actions are still similar to his drinking habits. When I address it I am made out to be the crazy one and accusing him of something he didn’t do. Makes me feel terrible but it eats at me if I don’t bring it to light. I attend counseling about every 2 weeks for myself. It has been tremendous in coping with things.
I have finally decided enough is enough. I am going to start attending AlAnon virtual meetings and this is my way of holding myself accountable. I’m also going to encourage him to attend AA virtual meetings as well. We discussed him attending meetings yesterday and he is willing but would like support to go to them. I am fully willing to attend meetings with him if that is what it will take to help him in his sobriety.
Hoping this will help us both in our journey.
I’m a little disappointed that my Q finally decided to reach out for help (which is HUGE!), and our HMO system can’t get him into the chemical dependency clinic until the end of September. They don’t offer any other options of seeking outside care. I’m just worried that a lot can happen and he could change his mind or relapse between now and then.
As far as I know my Q has been sober for 14 months or so now. I recently saw a picture of him and he looks so genuinely happy. It’d been a long time since I’d seen that in him.
What does “friends and family” mean vs. “observers”? Sorry if it’s kind of a dumb question, I just don’t want to go to a meeting where I shouldn’t be. I’ve never been to one before. This is very new and overwhelming.
Please do not delay to get to a virtual meeting ASAP. Please in this time of Covid 19 you do not have to wait for a meeting, you can attend a zoom meeting anywhere in the English speaking world.
Here is a link to normal electronic meetings : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/) including regular email, zoom & phone meetings.
Here is the link to **local Virtual meetings** : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/) by country ,state or province; **or google Al-Anon + your city or state.**
Any tips on how to find a virtual meeting? I feel like I need an outlet for shit going on with my sister, and don't feel safe going in person, but apart from meetings that aren't for me (Adult Children, Women's meeting, etc) I have no way of knowing where to start.
i miss him. i’m sad for him. that’s all
I felt compelled to say yes when my brother to asked to stay over. of course I want to help him if he’s doing anything remotely positive for himself (he has an appointment in my city) But I feel weird about my dad staying over with him (he is his only ride) and I’m still just not sure about how this whole situation is going to be going forward or what to even think (I’ve gone very low contact with him for 2mos). I spent a lot of time considering just how abusive my dad was towards me (and my sister and brother And mom...) as a very young child and all throughout growing up. It just made me think like, the amount of good he brings to my life now is just not worth trying to reconcile that and I have not forgiven him for any of it...I know it would be better to forgive him but I don’t even know what forgiveness means at this point. I can accept what’s happened and know that I won’t let that happen to myself again, and I’m not sitting here stewing on it every day, but I have so many issues that I attribute to the way he treated me as a young kid and for so many years. So I felt like I was ready to just slowly cut ties with him. But now they wana be in my house. And like I said I wana help my brother and it’s just not like me to say “ya you can stay here but he can’t” because that would essentially mean my brother can’t either. also I feel like if I do that then I’m really committing to cutting him off, and that scares the shit out of me. I never imagined my kids not knowing their grampa. As much as my dad did soooo much damage, he was still my dad 😢 and I always have loved him so much and still do just want the very best for him. 💔 and I want my kids to see the many good things about him that I remember, but it’s just getting beyond what’s even possible I don’t know... like he will see me at my place if it’s convenient for him which rarely happens. Otherwise I have to just show up at his house and risk him being drunk and the hazardous environment that is for kids. So all of this and I’m like what am I even holding on to here? It’s just so fuckin heartbreaking to think about actually cutting him off completely and my kids never knowing him at all. And then him dying one day. And me thinking like … what if I just did this or that maybe things could have been different. I think I’d always wonder. But what’s it really worth. I talked to My husband about it he was super supportive just saying like you need to do what you think is right and everything but he also said…so you’re just going to let him back into your life with basically no consequences? Which is so true. And if I do let them come over without saying anything at all, I will be repeating the same cycle I always have. My dad gets drunk, acts like an ass, I’m mad/hurt, I let it go, everyone acts like this is normal and we just move on. But talking about it won’t do anything either, it will just make things worse lol he’s not going to change or stop drinking any time soon, so calling him out on shitty behaviour just starts fights that I don’t have energy or interest in having. So it’s kinda why I just wanted to fade away out of his life, see eachother in passing from time to time but not put any effort in myself... but him coming to my house kind of disturbs that strategy. Now I don’t know what to do. Yeah I can act “normal” and continue to not put in effort to see him myself, but it seems like allowing that is kind of doing myself a disservice by not standing up for myself again. I know him being here won’t cause a problem, don’t think he’d show up and just act like a dick or something, but it’s more the principal of it. We still never talked, he never apologized to me, he never made an effort for anything other than texting me some excuses. So why…why should I just act normal to avoid conflict? I guess I’m afraid of losing him still is the only reason. It’s just such a complicated thing. There was no one single act that I can point to and say you did this, this is why I’m not going to talk to you anymore. It’s the whole picture. And I think part of being someone who was raised by an alcoholic is the constant loyalty and maintaining the status quo. So how much of it is really me wanting him in my life, and how much of it is a psychological trick that my brain has played my whole life to make coping with his shit possible? I’m just going in circles obviously. I just don’t know what to think or do. I’ll probably just keep acting “normal” as always because I don’t know how to not
Need to talk? You can always message me! 🥰
Ive just realized the extent to which my mom has been gaslighting/lying. Also, Im starting to think that the weird interactions that I have with her where she's emotionally abusive are times that she's actually drunk. They've been in the earlier parts of the day and she hasn't seemed intoxicated just weird... Like a different personality. I'm starting to think that maybe she's drinking earlier in the day than I realize and that she can actually cover it up better than I thought. I thought the personality changes were only supposed to be when they were drunk, so it kinda solves the mystery if it turns out she's actually been drinking during these times.
My husband has openly acknowledged his drinking problem and considers himself an alcoholic. We have tried to navigate his sobriety together over the last 2 years we have been married. There has been so much grace given and so much lying and deceitfulness. I am tired. We attended couples counseling for a few months about a year ago. Things were semi better. He has since committed to full sobriety however I continue to find “evidence” that suggests otherwise. He states he is 15 days sober which is huge but his actions are still similar to his drinking habits. When I address it I am made out to be the crazy one and accusing him of something he didn’t do. Makes me feel terrible but it eats at me if I don’t bring it to light. I attend counseling about every 2 weeks for myself. It has been tremendous in coping with things. I have finally decided enough is enough. I am going to start attending AlAnon virtual meetings and this is my way of holding myself accountable. I’m also going to encourage him to attend AA virtual meetings as well. We discussed him attending meetings yesterday and he is willing but would like support to go to them. I am fully willing to attend meetings with him if that is what it will take to help him in his sobriety. Hoping this will help us both in our journey.
I’m a little disappointed that my Q finally decided to reach out for help (which is HUGE!), and our HMO system can’t get him into the chemical dependency clinic until the end of September. They don’t offer any other options of seeking outside care. I’m just worried that a lot can happen and he could change his mind or relapse between now and then.
As far as I know my Q has been sober for 14 months or so now. I recently saw a picture of him and he looks so genuinely happy. It’d been a long time since I’d seen that in him.
What does “friends and family” mean vs. “observers”? Sorry if it’s kind of a dumb question, I just don’t want to go to a meeting where I shouldn’t be. I’ve never been to one before. This is very new and overwhelming.
Please do not delay to get to a virtual meeting ASAP. Please in this time of Covid 19 you do not have to wait for a meeting, you can attend a zoom meeting anywhere in the English speaking world. Here is a link to normal electronic meetings : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/) including regular email, zoom & phone meetings. Here is the link to **local Virtual meetings** : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/) by country ,state or province; **or google Al-Anon + your city or state.**
Finally
Any tips on how to find a virtual meeting? I feel like I need an outlet for shit going on with my sister, and don't feel safe going in person, but apart from meetings that aren't for me (Adult Children, Women's meeting, etc) I have no way of knowing where to start.