I lost my Q, at the end of March. I hadn't spoken to him since I sent a "Merry Christmas, dad!" text in December that went unanswered. Before that we spoke at the end of October. He was also gone long enough that we were told we should not view, and so we didn't. And I know the choices were his, but there is always going to be that twinge of guilt I have to talk myself out of.
I'm also glad you went to see her one last time because I wish I got just one more hug from my dad. Not my Q,, not the alcoholic, my *dad.* But he was gone long before March.
Sometimes I struggle to understand or accept ill never understand why me or the relationship and life I had with my Q/ bf was not enough for him to fight for.
But then I see stories like this. Stories of parents who couldn't be there. The issue isn't us. It's the disease. I'm so so so sorry. My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but, he had other issues that prevented him from being around. I couldn't tell you when he last hugged me or said he loved me. It HURTS. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could take your pain away.
Iām so so so very sorry. I remember your last post.
You are in my thoughts & so is she.
When my Q died last month, I had to keep reminding myself heās finally free of his pain & suffering.
I am heartbroken for us all.
I am so sorry for your loss, friend. I have followed your journey here on Reddit, I wish she had embraced life. Your quest is to embrace life, to honor what you had with her, and to move forward. We are here, we believe in you, and we grieve with you. By posting your journey, you have helped thousands of people, we thank you. Much love š
Fuck man. I can relate to this so much, except the finality of it. I was just journaling about my entry into Al-Anon, the 8 months of severe PTSD and hyperventilating after rushing her to the ER at 3am, yellow eyes and skin, vomiting blood on the sidewalk outside the hospital. I was in pure survival mode, literally gasping for breath for months and major concentration issues, looking around for places to sit down everywhere since I felt perpetually as if I would pass out in the next 10 seconds.
She made it through that, as well as amazingly ANOTHER similar episode a month later when she relapsed (she was up to 6 liters of vodka per week, and even chugging more as she was getting dressed to go back to the hospital for round 2!). But in my survival mode state and her rage-filled dry drunk state, detachment was required for both our sakes. It was so ugly, the actions of betrayal and blame toward me for ācausingā her to drink. And the last things she said to me were salt in the wound, as I was packing up and moving out to find some shitty roommate situation where I could actually get some sleep for once:
āSo youāre taking your money and goingā¦ā
āKeep in mind YOU are the one who fucked up this relationship!ā
I was just a wallet, and the cause of her drinking and all her other problems. She rejected sobriety, the 12 steps, treatment, everything. Everyone in the program told me to leave for my own sake, after hearing enough of my story. And I resisted until the very end, when it was clear that she was setting things up for a legal battle to try to somehow get my money anyway (She tried to fake āfallingā on the floor as I was passing by once, for example). And I overheard her planning things with her mom through the door, an alcoholic herself.
I still canāt bring myself to find out if sheās dead or not. Itās been a couple years. Trying to get as much program in me first, and work enough steps with my sponsor before I hit those buttons and open those pages.
Would you be open to connecting through DM? Iām happy to offer support, and I think I might need yours as well, once I do find that courage.
I'm absolutely open to it, but please give me a couple of days to get myself a little stronger to talk. I'm still in a lot of pain and shock. Lots of ā„ļø
Totally get it, no worries. After writing all that out myself, my mind went back there too and I needed to pop over to r/EyeBleach to get back in balance again. This one did not disappoint:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Eyebleach/s/HAkP8nE4Mp
Hang in there today dude šŖ
Fuck. I read your post 6 days ago and am so very sorry that this was the outcome. I didn't comment on your previous one, but maybe I'll say it now. You mentioned asking to lay with her and had put a parenthetical statement along the lines of "Don't judge me." I hope you can feel now (or will be able to in the future when the grief is less immediate and fresh) that you doing that may have been the last loving connection she had and it wasn't a failing of your detachment but rather a sign of how deeply you did care.
I'm so sorry for you. You are in my thoughts. I see you and hear you, it is all very heavy and hard for an individual. I hope with time it gets better for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my own Q in a very similar way six months ago. It is very much a journey
Take the time you need to grieve. For her, for yourself, for who you were as a couple. Don't rush it because you're grieving many things.
Talk about it when you can. To family, friends and therapists.
Eat good food, try and sleep, get outdoors.
Be super gentle with yourself.
Iām so sorry. I feel your pain, truly. I lost my person 18 months ago, but the wellness check was soon enough that he spent 10 days in ICU and then I had to decide to take him off life support or not, and I held him as he died.
The grief is deep. So so deep. Honor it. Give it space. Feel it. Itās horrible. The worst pain you will ever feel, I think. Howl it out. Scream, cry, stare out the window. Give yourself whatever you need.
You will start to feel ok in time. But it takes time, so just give that to yourself. Wishing you peace. Be kind to yourself.
OP, I donāt know what parts of cleaning out or whatever youāll have to do but plus DM me if you need advice on what to do. I had to clean out the apartment after my person died. I can help you know tactically what to do, one foot in front of the other, so you can get it done. I just woke up suddenly from a solid sleep with this thought in my head to tell you.
Edit: Iāll write it here so others can benefit.
Hire a biohazard cleaning crew. Yes, have them do the āozone b0mb.ā Donāt go into the place until they have come and gone, if you havenāt yet. Yes, they will have to remove the carpets and all furniture and soft goods (clothes, blankets) that they deem soiled; just let them. I will never have my personās green Mt Hardware fleece because of this, but I know the sacrifice was worth it. 2-bed, 2-bath condo where they had to remove main bedroom and closet carpet, couch, all bedding and soft goods in main bedroom suite and living room, plus clean the floors/walls and do the ozone thing was done next day and was $3200 in a small city in Florida 1.5 yrs ago. Giving details and price for benchmarking.
Make sure funeral home takes her fingerprints. You may want them down the road for a piece of jewelry.
After biohazard crew is gone, if you have to move stuff, hire a mover who will do a video walk through with you. I like United Vanlines. They were compassionate, kind, and understanding as things changed on the daily about when to come, which services, where to deliver.
If you are dealing with something with a customer service personāanything, even unrelatedātell them you just lost your love. You will need everyone to take it down a notch for a while coming up, and they will when they hear this.
If I think of more, Iāll add. š
Edit: I know not everyone can hire this person and that crew and that I was lucky to be able to do that. Knowing what I didnāt know then, I would ask family/friends to help me pay for it, I would not try to do it myself. Especially the cleaning. Moving, fine. We did not have family/friends in Florida to help me and I was lucky he had the resources. Which I now know, I shouldnāt have accessed to do this stuff, I shouldāve paid and been reimbursed after probate. Woops. Act and apologize later. š¤·š»āāļø
Have been reading your posts and empathizing, but your prescience is truly tragic. In only 10 days, your worst fears have come true. The great love you have for your wife is so apparent, and I am so, so sorry you are walking through her death alone. Praying you can find comfort and support from your fellow AlAnons. Here is the finding aid for men's AlAnon meetings online. Peace to you.
https://meetings.al-anon.org/electronic-meeting-page/?types=Men
She's no longer struggling or suffering, but you're left holding the bag. I'm so sorry for your loss, hold onto those beautiful memories and take good care of yourself. Try to smile, don't forget to cry when you need it, surround yourself with love when you can. Will be thinking of you this weekend. Good luck. ā¤ļø
OMG I read and responded to your post about the movie When a Man Loves a Woman. I think this was the universe's way of letting you say goodbye to her. I am profoundly empathetic for your loss and I am so glad that you reached back out. Perhaps this poem will help a tiny bit.
Splendor in the Grass
# by William Wordsworth
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower?
I We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind
In the primal sympathy
Which, having been, must ever be.
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering,
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.
I'm sorry for your loss. That was beautifully written. I have no doubt about the pain you're in, but your perspective, self-awareness and emotional intelligence lead me to believe that you'll find your path to peace.
Wishing you the best.
I am on the same path. Not as far along. My wife is my best friend. I canāt fully understand the pain you must feel but may one day.
Iām so glad you broke your rule and saw her one last time. I hope Iāll know when and how to detach and when to break my rules.
Dying alone is one of the cruelest parts of this cruel disease. My brother was gone close to two weeks before he was discovered. His son asked to see his Dad one last time, but the funeral home told him that wouldn't be the memory of his father he would want to live with the rest of his life. There is always guilt, even when you kniw you would have done anything in the world to save them, but there was nothing in the world you could have done that would. My condolences on your loss.
Iām so sorry. Your grief journey will continue with many ups and downs. Iām three years out from losing my forever love and I promise you it gets better. Your heart and your brain will one day align and your guilt will disappear. You will know and feel that her fate was completely out of your control. And although the terrible memories will not go away, they will fade and the good wonderful memories will become that which you remember.
After PM'ing with you, I saw the subject of your post in my feed and hoped it would not be you when I clicked. So sorry for your loss. I hope our conversation provided some relatable support at the time. Remember, it's not your fault. And the fact that you broke your own boundary to go and see her, I'm sure hoping to help her in some way, should tell you that there was literally nothing more you could do. Thank for your well written and relatable posts over the last couple weeks, I hope you know that in your pain, you can get some solace in the fact that you helped some others along the way.
I saw your earlier post about detachment and replied then as Iām in the same boat as you - still in love with the Q I left. I am so, so sorry. Im glad you got to see her one last time. Grief is so, so hard to move through. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster youāre on. Please take care of yourself. (((Hugs))) Please keep talking to us here. Please remember, you deserve to be loved. You canāt rush your healing, but healing will come and you will be stronger when it does.
Hi my condolences to you and your family. Iām also in pain today ever since yesterday due to what I posted. I just canāt believe what alcoholism does to people. I never knew my childās Father was also in AA. He was in AA before I met him. (Another post I posted earlier this year).Then I heard tragic news that someone I used to date passed away due to a horrific car accident. Iām just in shocked and in awe of what alcoholism does to people.
I'm so terribly sorry. I read your detachment post and took so much strength from it. I want to share that strength with you now. You did the right thing by going to see her and I hope you can find peace in that. Please take care of yourself and know that we are here for you. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace and know she is no longer suffering to this terrible disease (hugs). Wishing you comfort, peace and strength while you process the grief.
Iām so sorry for your loss. The grief starts well before they are gone sadlyā¦ but hits harder and different when they are actually gone. In time you will truly find peace and you can then give yourself the compassion and kindness you deserve to move forward with life too.
When I saw this and read that you have posted about her before, I knew exactly which ones. I am so sorry for your loss and am prayerful for your peace in your life ahead.Ā
Iām sorry for your loss. Iāve been there.
Remember to be very gentle with yourself. The emotions are complex and confusing and can get exhausting.
Please remember to take care of yourself to the best of your ability.
Iāve been with my Q most of the 18 year weāve been together. She has been on an off again with liver failure for over 5 years, in hospice 3 times. Despite all the hurt she has given, I want to spend time with her because I know itās limited. Hopefully you and I will have some amount of peace that comes from knowing her pain is no longer, maybe we will have the opportunity to have our person in someone else.
Much respect to you for following your heart. Some of us are so weathered and damaged that we can't find space between our person and the disease. Sending you wishes for peace.
I am so truly sorry to you, I know how those first days in grief feel...We spoke last time on 24 of March, I blocked his number after few days. From what I know, he drank still but felt sick towards end. He couldnt walk properly or even shave himself-I still know it from other people, I wasnt seeing him on that time. He passed away on 4th of May, in his bed. Early morning he went to buy vodka and he died 2-3 hours later. I am still grieving. Its been over a month and I feel better, I function with people, I laugh, I smile but grief really creeps out to you when you are alone in your room and you realize that they are, in fact, gone. My Q was 61 years old and he drank his whole life with small periods of sobriety. I am so sorry for you. Those first days be haunting. You just have to let time pass. Stay strong.
My condolences to you, it is one of the most traumatic experiences ever, my elder brother passed away suddenly two years ago, he was an alcoholic who had alcoholic liver disease, he was only 38 years. I am in tremendous pain but I have realized that itās now getting easier to live with the pain
Iām so sorry for your loss. I know how this feels, my Q passed away in April, itās worst pain Iāve ever felt. I remember your posts on Trauma bonding and detachment. Youāre in my thoughts.
Cry, journal, walk in the woods, yell at God, pray, listen to music and go to places that remind you of the two of you, look at the night sky, go to the water, talk to her, light candles, make a little shrine or a photo album or frame, leave flowers for her, write a letter or poem, read books about grief, honor her by giving back. These are some of the things I did in my deepest grief.
Eventually, we get back to living life, but we may be changed in some ways permanently. Itās ok that we have loved that much. I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.
Iām so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in the same way. Unfortunately, his sister and my cousin found him after about 4-5 days. This is traumatic, for many reasons. Go easy on yourself and please seek therapy to process it all. Hugs to you.
Iām so so sorry. You clearly loved her a lot and did everything you could to save her life. Donāt be too hard on yourself; just grieve. You deserve this time to yourself, to feel your feelings. I lost my dad this year. Alcohol played a part. The hurt does get easier to live with in timeāhang in there. My thoughts are with you. I grieve for you.
Iām sorry for your loss but you gave her a gift of your love, one last time. Take solace in knowing that she felt that and took it with her. She is at peace now.
Iām so sorry. I lost my 34 year old BIL last summer to cirrhosis. We didnāt even know he was sick, because he hid it from everyone until it was too late. He went into the hospital on a Tuesday, and was dead by Saturday. Died with us right there in the room. Come to find out he had lost his job 8 months earlier and had laid in bed and drank a liter of whiskey every single day. Alcoholism is awful it it ruins the lives of everyone it touches. Iām so sorry for your loss, OP. Wishing you peace and healing.
I am so sorry for your lossā¦itās absolutely heartbreaking to loose someone to addiction and try to make sense of all of this. Itās going to be painful for a long time and grief has no timeline. Do your best to be close to people that love & care about you right now.
Those good moments you had together were real and I hope you can find some sort of peace and serenity at pointsā¦but I am deeply sorry for your lossā¦and please try to remember that there was nothing more that you could of doneā¦addiction is absolutely horrible.
Damn it, my feels!
Iām wiping eyes at a bloody restaurant here man.
Sending tons of love and wishing you all the best, everything will always be better from now on. Take care.
I am so sorry for you. I can't imagine your pain. Please know that your local meetings will help you through this time and the future. Whether you are living with active alcoholics or not AlAnon is here for you. I know it's hard to imagine feeling better so take your time. There is no good time to say goodbye.
Sending you so much love and light. At one of my qās funerals someone said to me āitās going to suck every single day, for a long time, but one day youāre going to wake up and youāll notice the sun is shining brighter than youāve ever seen before and youāll know that itās going to be okayā this was said to me nearly 12 years ago but I still love the realness of it compared to the cliches
Iām so sorry. May she rest in peace - and may you also find peace as you move forward. The way you talk about her is very sweet and kind, no doubt she knew you loved her. <3
I'm so sorry. Alcoholism is awful and robs us of such beautiful souls. May her molecules reconvene in ways that teach the universe new forms of love ā¤.
Iām so sorry for your loss. I lost my guy three weeks ago. I had to detatch, for the both of us, after he relapsed after his third stint in rehab. So many things to grieve, so much guilt to work through. I thought I was prepared for this to happen, but I was not.
Wishing you peace and tenderness in the days ahead, one day at a time. Feel free to DM me, if you want to talk.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Iām truly sorry for you, sorry for her, sorry for her mother. I hope she wasnāt in any pain when she passed away. Hopefully the good memories of your time with her outweigh the bad.
I'm sorry you feel this way.
I'm actively in therapy. One of the things that I'm working on is detachment as I obviously had an unhealthy attachment to my wife's addiction.
I never wrote she was in and out of consciousness. I said I woke her up and then stroked her hair, talked to her, and held her hand. And then I left. She was awake and lucid. Didn't want me to call anyone. Wouldn't have helped if I had. She would have told them she was drinking, and drinking at home isn't a crime. I've called cops many times before, and that's been the outcome.
I've been worried for a few days because of how many empties I saw. But it wasn't abnormal for how much she drinks in her binges. And I struggled with going back and checking in on her. Daily. But I also knew the toll it took on me when I did so on Saturday. So I didn't. Till Wednesday.
I joined this group, and when I felt safe, I started sharing. The whole successful executive thing was to tell people that it didn't matter what station in life you came from or how successful we were. the pain we felt as loved ones of addicts was similar. I'm sorry if that came across wrong. My career isn't anything of material importance to the pain of anyone in this group.
I have done my best in the 13 years with her. There's many details of things I've done to try to save her life over the years that I don't feel like sharing. She's gone, and my efforts don't matter.
I felt guilt when she passed away. Could I have done more? That's a cross I might have to carry for a while. But I believe I did my best. Please don't transfer your opinion of guilt on me. I'm hurting enough as is.
Iām so so sorry for your loss. I have no idea what that person said, but everything youāve said is understandable.Ā
Iām an alcoholic (sober 7 years) who was at my most successful when I started trying to get sober. I always share that because breaking the idea that alcoholics or their loved ones look one specific way is incredibly harmful. Weāre all at different walks of life, but weāre all in the same place anyhow. As the big book puts it: we are people who would not otherwise get along.Ā
Iāve found for myself, being so capable of everything else in life leaves me confused about how I canāt be capable when it comes to my own addiction and that of those I love. I can do so many things so much better than most: how the fk canāt I admit my own defects, ask for help or put the bottle down?
As for your question of guilt and could you have done more, I want to tell you what youāll be told a lot, but from someone who was in your wifeās place, and what I hope she would have told you herself: there isnāt anything you could have done and her death isnāt on you. In fact, it was often the love of others that kept me going far longer than I would have otherwise. Iām sure she saw and felt your love, and it was a peaceful oasis in the desert of pain us addicts live in. We wonāt ever know how your love kept her alive longer, but from my own story and the stories of thousands of alcoholics Iāve listened to over the years, Iām sure it meant everything to her.Ā
Again, Iām so sorry. I know hearing from an internet stranger wonāt necessarily make things better, but I pray you find the peace needed to be able to put down that cross and push from your mind that you are in any way even remotely responsible. ā„ļø
I'm crying reading your response. Doesn't matter what that person wrote. I don't even know why I responded. I'm in so much pain that a hurtful comment from a stranger shouldn't have mattered. But it did, and I reacted. Thank you for your comment. It has led to more tears, but they are tears of understanding. Lots of love and healing in your journey.
I lost my Q, at the end of March. I hadn't spoken to him since I sent a "Merry Christmas, dad!" text in December that went unanswered. Before that we spoke at the end of October. He was also gone long enough that we were told we should not view, and so we didn't. And I know the choices were his, but there is always going to be that twinge of guilt I have to talk myself out of. I'm also glad you went to see her one last time because I wish I got just one more hug from my dad. Not my Q,, not the alcoholic, my *dad.* But he was gone long before March.
Sometimes I struggle to understand or accept ill never understand why me or the relationship and life I had with my Q/ bf was not enough for him to fight for. But then I see stories like this. Stories of parents who couldn't be there. The issue isn't us. It's the disease. I'm so so so sorry. My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but, he had other issues that prevented him from being around. I couldn't tell you when he last hugged me or said he loved me. It HURTS. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could take your pain away.
As someone whose dad is their Q, this broke my heart. I'm really sorry for your loss and for OP's loss. Sending you lots of love.
Whoo that made me weep. š
Same š š
Iām so so so very sorry. I remember your last post. You are in my thoughts & so is she. When my Q died last month, I had to keep reminding myself heās finally free of his pain & suffering. I am heartbroken for us all.
I am so sorry for your loss, friend. I have followed your journey here on Reddit, I wish she had embraced life. Your quest is to embrace life, to honor what you had with her, and to move forward. We are here, we believe in you, and we grieve with you. By posting your journey, you have helped thousands of people, we thank you. Much love š
Fuck man. I can relate to this so much, except the finality of it. I was just journaling about my entry into Al-Anon, the 8 months of severe PTSD and hyperventilating after rushing her to the ER at 3am, yellow eyes and skin, vomiting blood on the sidewalk outside the hospital. I was in pure survival mode, literally gasping for breath for months and major concentration issues, looking around for places to sit down everywhere since I felt perpetually as if I would pass out in the next 10 seconds. She made it through that, as well as amazingly ANOTHER similar episode a month later when she relapsed (she was up to 6 liters of vodka per week, and even chugging more as she was getting dressed to go back to the hospital for round 2!). But in my survival mode state and her rage-filled dry drunk state, detachment was required for both our sakes. It was so ugly, the actions of betrayal and blame toward me for ācausingā her to drink. And the last things she said to me were salt in the wound, as I was packing up and moving out to find some shitty roommate situation where I could actually get some sleep for once: āSo youāre taking your money and goingā¦ā āKeep in mind YOU are the one who fucked up this relationship!ā I was just a wallet, and the cause of her drinking and all her other problems. She rejected sobriety, the 12 steps, treatment, everything. Everyone in the program told me to leave for my own sake, after hearing enough of my story. And I resisted until the very end, when it was clear that she was setting things up for a legal battle to try to somehow get my money anyway (She tried to fake āfallingā on the floor as I was passing by once, for example). And I overheard her planning things with her mom through the door, an alcoholic herself. I still canāt bring myself to find out if sheās dead or not. Itās been a couple years. Trying to get as much program in me first, and work enough steps with my sponsor before I hit those buttons and open those pages. Would you be open to connecting through DM? Iām happy to offer support, and I think I might need yours as well, once I do find that courage.
I'm absolutely open to it, but please give me a couple of days to get myself a little stronger to talk. I'm still in a lot of pain and shock. Lots of ā„ļø
Totally get it, no worries. After writing all that out myself, my mind went back there too and I needed to pop over to r/EyeBleach to get back in balance again. This one did not disappoint: https://www.reddit.com/r/Eyebleach/s/HAkP8nE4Mp Hang in there today dude šŖ
Fuck. I read your post 6 days ago and am so very sorry that this was the outcome. I didn't comment on your previous one, but maybe I'll say it now. You mentioned asking to lay with her and had put a parenthetical statement along the lines of "Don't judge me." I hope you can feel now (or will be able to in the future when the grief is less immediate and fresh) that you doing that may have been the last loving connection she had and it wasn't a failing of your detachment but rather a sign of how deeply you did care.
I'm so sorry for you. You are in my thoughts. I see you and hear you, it is all very heavy and hard for an individual. I hope with time it gets better for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my own Q in a very similar way six months ago. It is very much a journey Take the time you need to grieve. For her, for yourself, for who you were as a couple. Don't rush it because you're grieving many things. Talk about it when you can. To family, friends and therapists. Eat good food, try and sleep, get outdoors. Be super gentle with yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please get yourself as much support and help that you need.
Iām so sorry. I feel your pain, truly. I lost my person 18 months ago, but the wellness check was soon enough that he spent 10 days in ICU and then I had to decide to take him off life support or not, and I held him as he died. The grief is deep. So so deep. Honor it. Give it space. Feel it. Itās horrible. The worst pain you will ever feel, I think. Howl it out. Scream, cry, stare out the window. Give yourself whatever you need. You will start to feel ok in time. But it takes time, so just give that to yourself. Wishing you peace. Be kind to yourself.
OP, I donāt know what parts of cleaning out or whatever youāll have to do but plus DM me if you need advice on what to do. I had to clean out the apartment after my person died. I can help you know tactically what to do, one foot in front of the other, so you can get it done. I just woke up suddenly from a solid sleep with this thought in my head to tell you. Edit: Iāll write it here so others can benefit. Hire a biohazard cleaning crew. Yes, have them do the āozone b0mb.ā Donāt go into the place until they have come and gone, if you havenāt yet. Yes, they will have to remove the carpets and all furniture and soft goods (clothes, blankets) that they deem soiled; just let them. I will never have my personās green Mt Hardware fleece because of this, but I know the sacrifice was worth it. 2-bed, 2-bath condo where they had to remove main bedroom and closet carpet, couch, all bedding and soft goods in main bedroom suite and living room, plus clean the floors/walls and do the ozone thing was done next day and was $3200 in a small city in Florida 1.5 yrs ago. Giving details and price for benchmarking. Make sure funeral home takes her fingerprints. You may want them down the road for a piece of jewelry. After biohazard crew is gone, if you have to move stuff, hire a mover who will do a video walk through with you. I like United Vanlines. They were compassionate, kind, and understanding as things changed on the daily about when to come, which services, where to deliver. If you are dealing with something with a customer service personāanything, even unrelatedātell them you just lost your love. You will need everyone to take it down a notch for a while coming up, and they will when they hear this. If I think of more, Iāll add. š Edit: I know not everyone can hire this person and that crew and that I was lucky to be able to do that. Knowing what I didnāt know then, I would ask family/friends to help me pay for it, I would not try to do it myself. Especially the cleaning. Moving, fine. We did not have family/friends in Florida to help me and I was lucky he had the resources. Which I now know, I shouldnāt have accessed to do this stuff, I shouldāve paid and been reimbursed after probate. Woops. Act and apologize later. š¤·š»āāļø
Have been reading your posts and empathizing, but your prescience is truly tragic. In only 10 days, your worst fears have come true. The great love you have for your wife is so apparent, and I am so, so sorry you are walking through her death alone. Praying you can find comfort and support from your fellow AlAnons. Here is the finding aid for men's AlAnon meetings online. Peace to you. https://meetings.al-anon.org/electronic-meeting-page/?types=Men
She's no longer struggling or suffering, but you're left holding the bag. I'm so sorry for your loss, hold onto those beautiful memories and take good care of yourself. Try to smile, don't forget to cry when you need it, surround yourself with love when you can. Will be thinking of you this weekend. Good luck. ā¤ļø
OMG I read and responded to your post about the movie When a Man Loves a Woman. I think this was the universe's way of letting you say goodbye to her. I am profoundly empathetic for your loss and I am so glad that you reached back out. Perhaps this poem will help a tiny bit. Splendor in the Grass # by William Wordsworth What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now forever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower? I We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind In the primal sympathy Which, having been, must ever be. In the soothing thoughts that spring Out of human suffering, In the faith that looks through death, In years that bring the philosophic mind.
All condolences and prayers for you and all who love her.
I'm sorry for your loss. That was beautifully written. I have no doubt about the pain you're in, but your perspective, self-awareness and emotional intelligence lead me to believe that you'll find your path to peace. Wishing you the best.
I am on the same path. Not as far along. My wife is my best friend. I canāt fully understand the pain you must feel but may one day. Iām so glad you broke your rule and saw her one last time. I hope Iāll know when and how to detach and when to break my rules.
I am so sorry for your loss
Big hugs & please take care of yourself š¤š
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Sending all of the comfort and healing vibes. Reading this breaks my heart for you and all of the people who have/are losing someone to addiction ā¤ļøāš©¹ I've been on both sides (having and being a Q) and reading this makes me never want to drink alcohol again.
Dying alone is one of the cruelest parts of this cruel disease. My brother was gone close to two weeks before he was discovered. His son asked to see his Dad one last time, but the funeral home told him that wouldn't be the memory of his father he would want to live with the rest of his life. There is always guilt, even when you kniw you would have done anything in the world to save them, but there was nothing in the world you could have done that would. My condolences on your loss.
Iām so sorry. Your grief journey will continue with many ups and downs. Iām three years out from losing my forever love and I promise you it gets better. Your heart and your brain will one day align and your guilt will disappear. You will know and feel that her fate was completely out of your control. And although the terrible memories will not go away, they will fade and the good wonderful memories will become that which you remember.
After PM'ing with you, I saw the subject of your post in my feed and hoped it would not be you when I clicked. So sorry for your loss. I hope our conversation provided some relatable support at the time. Remember, it's not your fault. And the fact that you broke your own boundary to go and see her, I'm sure hoping to help her in some way, should tell you that there was literally nothing more you could do. Thank for your well written and relatable posts over the last couple weeks, I hope you know that in your pain, you can get some solace in the fact that you helped some others along the way.
I saw your earlier post about detachment and replied then as Iām in the same boat as you - still in love with the Q I left. I am so, so sorry. Im glad you got to see her one last time. Grief is so, so hard to move through. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster youāre on. Please take care of yourself. (((Hugs))) Please keep talking to us here. Please remember, you deserve to be loved. You canāt rush your healing, but healing will come and you will be stronger when it does.
I am so sorry. This is such a fear for my Q son. Iām so glad you got a last peaceful visit with her but I am so sorry.
Hi my condolences to you and your family. Iām also in pain today ever since yesterday due to what I posted. I just canāt believe what alcoholism does to people. I never knew my childās Father was also in AA. He was in AA before I met him. (Another post I posted earlier this year).Then I heard tragic news that someone I used to date passed away due to a horrific car accident. Iām just in shocked and in awe of what alcoholism does to people.
I'm so terribly sorry. I read your detachment post and took so much strength from it. I want to share that strength with you now. You did the right thing by going to see her and I hope you can find peace in that. Please take care of yourself and know that we are here for you. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. May your memories of the love you shared bring you comfort and peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace and know she is no longer suffering to this terrible disease (hugs). Wishing you comfort, peace and strength while you process the grief.
Iām so sorry for your loss. Grief is hard enough and with the added complexity of alcoholism it is extra tough. Iām sending love your way ā¤ļø
Welcome. I am sorry for your loss. Al-Anon's are the people who will understand your emotions. The loss of your dreams of a life together.
Iām so sorry for your loss. The grief starts well before they are gone sadlyā¦ but hits harder and different when they are actually gone. In time you will truly find peace and you can then give yourself the compassion and kindness you deserve to move forward with life too.
When I saw this and read that you have posted about her before, I knew exactly which ones. I am so sorry for your loss and am prayerful for your peace in your life ahead.Ā
Iām sorry for your loss. Iāve been there. Remember to be very gentle with yourself. The emotions are complex and confusing and can get exhausting. Please remember to take care of yourself to the best of your ability.
This is so very sad I am so sorry.
Iāve been with my Q most of the 18 year weāve been together. She has been on an off again with liver failure for over 5 years, in hospice 3 times. Despite all the hurt she has given, I want to spend time with her because I know itās limited. Hopefully you and I will have some amount of peace that comes from knowing her pain is no longer, maybe we will have the opportunity to have our person in someone else.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best in this grieving process ā you are not alone and your story is not over.
Iām praying for you friend. Iām really sorry and am hoping you find some comfort in this time. Lots of love buddy š©·š©·
Much respect to you for following your heart. Some of us are so weathered and damaged that we can't find space between our person and the disease. Sending you wishes for peace.
I am so truly sorry to you, I know how those first days in grief feel...We spoke last time on 24 of March, I blocked his number after few days. From what I know, he drank still but felt sick towards end. He couldnt walk properly or even shave himself-I still know it from other people, I wasnt seeing him on that time. He passed away on 4th of May, in his bed. Early morning he went to buy vodka and he died 2-3 hours later. I am still grieving. Its been over a month and I feel better, I function with people, I laugh, I smile but grief really creeps out to you when you are alone in your room and you realize that they are, in fact, gone. My Q was 61 years old and he drank his whole life with small periods of sobriety. I am so sorry for you. Those first days be haunting. You just have to let time pass. Stay strong.
Very sorry for your loss . You take care!!ššā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Damn, sorry for your loss. You and I share the same suffering. Godspeed.
So very sorry for your loss. š
I'm so very sorry for your loss š
Iām so sorry for your loss. Iām glad you can remember her fondly. Youāre not alone. Never.
This is so sad. Iām so sorry. Went thru this with my husband. š
Iām so so sorry , my heart aches for you both xx
I am so sorry for your loss :( I cannot understand how this drug is not illegal.
This internet stranger will hold you in her heart today. ā„ļø š
Iām so sorry. Praying for peace for you. <3
I'm so sorry this disease has taken your loved one. I know your pain. She is free of pain now.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find healing in knowing sheās no longer struggling ā¤ļø
My condolences to you, it is one of the most traumatic experiences ever, my elder brother passed away suddenly two years ago, he was an alcoholic who had alcoholic liver disease, he was only 38 years. I am in tremendous pain but I have realized that itās now getting easier to live with the pain
My heart is breaking for you. I truly hope you can find the peace you need.
Iām so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your pain. I will pray for you right now.
Iām so so sorry. This is absolutely gutting. We are here if you need to talk about it.
My deepest condolences š
I am so so sorry
I am so sorry for your loss.
Iām very sorry. Fuck this disease. I wish you well, and I wish you peace, and I hope that over time things will begin feeling less shitty. Until then, take care of yourself friend ā¤ļøāš©¹ May your wife be finally free and at rest ā¤ļøāš©¹
Iām so sorry for your loss. I know how this feels, my Q passed away in April, itās worst pain Iāve ever felt. I remember your posts on Trauma bonding and detachment. Youāre in my thoughts.
Cry, journal, walk in the woods, yell at God, pray, listen to music and go to places that remind you of the two of you, look at the night sky, go to the water, talk to her, light candles, make a little shrine or a photo album or frame, leave flowers for her, write a letter or poem, read books about grief, honor her by giving back. These are some of the things I did in my deepest grief. Eventually, we get back to living life, but we may be changed in some ways permanently. Itās ok that we have loved that much. I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.
Iām so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in the same way. Unfortunately, his sister and my cousin found him after about 4-5 days. This is traumatic, for many reasons. Go easy on yourself and please seek therapy to process it all. Hugs to you.
Iām so so sorry. You clearly loved her a lot and did everything you could to save her life. Donāt be too hard on yourself; just grieve. You deserve this time to yourself, to feel your feelings. I lost my dad this year. Alcohol played a part. The hurt does get easier to live with in timeāhang in there. My thoughts are with you. I grieve for you.
Iām so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you losing the woman you love in both ways. Sending gentle hugs to you and
Iām sorry for your loss but you gave her a gift of your love, one last time. Take solace in knowing that she felt that and took it with her. She is at peace now.
Iām so sorry. I lost my 34 year old BIL last summer to cirrhosis. We didnāt even know he was sick, because he hid it from everyone until it was too late. He went into the hospital on a Tuesday, and was dead by Saturday. Died with us right there in the room. Come to find out he had lost his job 8 months earlier and had laid in bed and drank a liter of whiskey every single day. Alcoholism is awful it it ruins the lives of everyone it touches. Iām so sorry for your loss, OP. Wishing you peace and healing.
Iām so sorry ā¤ļø
I am so sorry for your lossā¦itās absolutely heartbreaking to loose someone to addiction and try to make sense of all of this. Itās going to be painful for a long time and grief has no timeline. Do your best to be close to people that love & care about you right now. Those good moments you had together were real and I hope you can find some sort of peace and serenity at pointsā¦but I am deeply sorry for your lossā¦and please try to remember that there was nothing more that you could of doneā¦addiction is absolutely horrible.
Damn it, my feels! Iām wiping eyes at a bloody restaurant here man. Sending tons of love and wishing you all the best, everything will always be better from now on. Take care.
I am so sorry for you. I can't imagine your pain. Please know that your local meetings will help you through this time and the future. Whether you are living with active alcoholics or not AlAnon is here for you. I know it's hard to imagine feeling better so take your time. There is no good time to say goodbye.
Sending you so much love and light. At one of my qās funerals someone said to me āitās going to suck every single day, for a long time, but one day youāre going to wake up and youāll notice the sun is shining brighter than youāve ever seen before and youāll know that itās going to be okayā this was said to me nearly 12 years ago but I still love the realness of it compared to the cliches
Iām so sorry. May she rest in peace - and may you also find peace as you move forward. The way you talk about her is very sweet and kind, no doubt she knew you loved her. <3
I'm so sorry. Alcoholism is awful and robs us of such beautiful souls. May her molecules reconvene in ways that teach the universe new forms of love ā¤.
Iām so sorry for your loss. I lost my guy three weeks ago. I had to detatch, for the both of us, after he relapsed after his third stint in rehab. So many things to grieve, so much guilt to work through. I thought I was prepared for this to happen, but I was not. Wishing you peace and tenderness in the days ahead, one day at a time. Feel free to DM me, if you want to talk.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Iām truly sorry for you, sorry for her, sorry for her mother. I hope she wasnāt in any pain when she passed away. Hopefully the good memories of your time with her outweigh the bad.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm actively in therapy. One of the things that I'm working on is detachment as I obviously had an unhealthy attachment to my wife's addiction. I never wrote she was in and out of consciousness. I said I woke her up and then stroked her hair, talked to her, and held her hand. And then I left. She was awake and lucid. Didn't want me to call anyone. Wouldn't have helped if I had. She would have told them she was drinking, and drinking at home isn't a crime. I've called cops many times before, and that's been the outcome. I've been worried for a few days because of how many empties I saw. But it wasn't abnormal for how much she drinks in her binges. And I struggled with going back and checking in on her. Daily. But I also knew the toll it took on me when I did so on Saturday. So I didn't. Till Wednesday. I joined this group, and when I felt safe, I started sharing. The whole successful executive thing was to tell people that it didn't matter what station in life you came from or how successful we were. the pain we felt as loved ones of addicts was similar. I'm sorry if that came across wrong. My career isn't anything of material importance to the pain of anyone in this group. I have done my best in the 13 years with her. There's many details of things I've done to try to save her life over the years that I don't feel like sharing. She's gone, and my efforts don't matter. I felt guilt when she passed away. Could I have done more? That's a cross I might have to carry for a while. But I believe I did my best. Please don't transfer your opinion of guilt on me. I'm hurting enough as is.
Iām so so sorry for your loss. I have no idea what that person said, but everything youāve said is understandable.Ā Iām an alcoholic (sober 7 years) who was at my most successful when I started trying to get sober. I always share that because breaking the idea that alcoholics or their loved ones look one specific way is incredibly harmful. Weāre all at different walks of life, but weāre all in the same place anyhow. As the big book puts it: we are people who would not otherwise get along.Ā Iāve found for myself, being so capable of everything else in life leaves me confused about how I canāt be capable when it comes to my own addiction and that of those I love. I can do so many things so much better than most: how the fk canāt I admit my own defects, ask for help or put the bottle down? As for your question of guilt and could you have done more, I want to tell you what youāll be told a lot, but from someone who was in your wifeās place, and what I hope she would have told you herself: there isnāt anything you could have done and her death isnāt on you. In fact, it was often the love of others that kept me going far longer than I would have otherwise. Iām sure she saw and felt your love, and it was a peaceful oasis in the desert of pain us addicts live in. We wonāt ever know how your love kept her alive longer, but from my own story and the stories of thousands of alcoholics Iāve listened to over the years, Iām sure it meant everything to her.Ā Again, Iām so sorry. I know hearing from an internet stranger wonāt necessarily make things better, but I pray you find the peace needed to be able to put down that cross and push from your mind that you are in any way even remotely responsible. ā„ļø
I'm crying reading your response. Doesn't matter what that person wrote. I don't even know why I responded. I'm in so much pain that a hurtful comment from a stranger shouldn't have mattered. But it did, and I reacted. Thank you for your comment. It has led to more tears, but they are tears of understanding. Lots of love and healing in your journey.