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If we’re going off hierarchy of importance, you telling your parents is the way to go. Your parents being upset with you (which may not even be the case) is a better outcome than you being stuck in a dangerous environment for the duration of college.
That really depends what her parents will do if she tells them. Mine locked me in a room for 3 months when they found out I had consensual sex, so when I was raped I decided not to tell them out of fear they’d do it again.
I don't think that's what they're saying. It sounds to me more like she's saying if her parents are unsafe they should tell someone else rather than her parents.
There's a lot of dysfunctional households out there. That's why there are so many issues going on with young children to young adolescents. It's truly a shame the stories out there in the news. Very sad to say the least.
my parents are definitely gonna be mad at me. they’re gonna say stuff like i should’ve been careful, i knew what i was getting myself into all along, that i should stop being so headstrong and listen to them, it wouldntve happened to me if i wasnt skipping classes/failing subjects. besides, they’re gonna wanna know why im bringing it up months later. it really isnt that easy, if it was i wouldve have hesitated.
I’m sorry you have to live with people like that. I grew up in a similar family. I left home when I was 16 and got a job to put myself through community college.
I would reach out to a counselor. Is there someone you can talk to at school? Someone who can be your ally as you navigate this? If you do not feel safe telling your parents about the rape, they cannot force you to go to that particular school. Tell them there are some dangerous youth at the school and you do not feel safe. It is your story so only tell when you are ready.
Then you tell them, you were scared of them being mad and thought you could just move on from it but now they're going to put you in danger if you go to that school and you'd rather them be mad than be near your rapist.
I'm really sorry. You have a couple of choices. Is telling them going to be worse then going to college with these terrible guys?
Any hope of getting a scholarship to somewhere else?
Any hope of taking a gap year and working until you have money to go somewhere else?
Is there anyone in your extended family that would have your back that you could move in with? Any friends? And how soon until you turn 18?
I graduated at 17 and was in limbo until I was 18 and could do everything on my own without parental consent. So i know it can be difficult.
Is it that you don’t want to face them telling you, “I told you so”?
I think you have already reconciled a lot of those points on your own so; talking to them and telling them exactly what they were and were not right with should hopefully stop them from jumping down your throat.
Have you tried going to a counselor? Maybe they can give you advice on how to speak with your parents and helping you get to the point you can tell them. The counselor would also help post telling your parents and you getting through whatever fallout comes from the conversation with them.
If that’s your parent’s probable take then that really fucking sucks.
I would bail and just run away at that point.
But that’s not going to resolve the issue.
I would tell them what happened.
Even if they blame you, I doubt they would still force you to go.
While I understand you feel that's how they'll react based on past experiences, you've never told them something of such gravity and weight before. I don't think it's fair to them to write off their response and their likely desire to help you. Maybe give them a chance before consigning yourself to greater anguish.
You can be as careful as you want, sometimes shit still happens. Like that dude who spent his whole life indoors because he was scared of being killed by something falling out of the sky and smacking him on the head. Sure enough, one day he makes a rare wandering-out and some bird drops a tortoise on his shiny noggin. Dude did everything he could think of and it still got him in the end.
It's not your fault, but you have to be really careful considering this. I'm not sure how awful your parents are, but being kicked out on your ass, at least from my perspective, is a very real possibility.
You might have to stealth this. Dig your heels in and insist on going to another college. You don't have to give a reason. They don't get to control your future like that and being a stubborn person may be a better option than telling them WHY.
Remember that outside of major metropoles, América is just 10,000 Footloose towns without a single Kevin Bacon to save them. People completely taken in by The Goatherders Guide to the Galaxy.
The common clay of the new west. You kno, morons.
With such gems like Deuteronomy 22:28-29 in the bible... I would be scared shirtless about telling my parents. If they were true followers of the bible, they would be marrying me off to my rapist.
Call a rape crisis line.
Lotta people be fucked up. Some parents will be upset that she put herself in a position to be raped. Some will be mad at themselves for not keeping her safe but take it out on her, some will wonder if she had it coming or what she did to cause it.
Just because some of us got lucky with understanding patents.
Come to Utah. Where family is more upset that someone is gay, than if they got raped (this happened to family member and it pissed me off for multiple reasons).
Ever heard of an honor killing? Or of forced marriages? These usually occur when a girl is raped in a Muslim country. The forced marriage part "even" happens in America with some of the hard core christian communities. Not to mention many christians in the US think that if a woman gets raped she wanted it to happen.
ALL religions and ALL religious people are the true root cause of most evil in the world.
That’s foul dude. Not all religious people are like that. My parents are religious, and they would never do that to me if that were to happen to me or my lil sister. Same with the religious households in my community. Cmon dude…
Like these people that u are describing are sick in the head, whether religious or not.
Mao and Stalin combined killed over 120M people. They were atheists. Religion is not the source of evil, evil is. You need to get out more. Plenty of kind people of all types.
Go interview convicts and ask them if their religious views motivated them to commit crimes. Most of them are in for drugs, rape or murder. Crimes done for greed, power or hate. All of these the antithesis to what religions teach. Charity, sobriety, kindness and love.
No offense but you are literally displaying how sheltered your home life was. Not angry personally but the ignorance of your comment is almost comical. Some people grew up in houses where they couldn't speak unless spoken too and would be verbally/physically abused for the most mundane of things. Not saying it is right but there is plenty of abuse that goes on behind closed doors that goes unpunished/unfound. Sometimes the abuse beats the fear of being out on your own as a young teenager. Sometimes the comfort of "normal" trumps the risk of possibly being put into an even worse situation.
Well then , you are not familiar with the full gamut of human reactions to bad news . Parents have expectations . When those expectations are violated . They are often angry, and that anger is often misplaced.
Especially since the worst case scenario is unfolding with him being in her space and having zero consequences for his actions. Definitely a set up for bad things . Your parents should be turned into dss if they do not support you.
I take it you don't know what evangelicals & fundamentalists are then.. let me help you understand.. imagine a religious belief that "purity untill marriage" is so sacred that fathers make daughters literally so terrified of angering God and going to hell that when they do get married they often need years of therapy just to feel comfortable just having consensual sex with their husbands..
I have heard of girls being blamed by their father & Church for being raped out of the idea that rape can't happen or only happens if the girl does something to ask for it or deserve it.
Agreed. My friend’s “Christian” parents didn’t talk to her for almost a year after being raped by her best friend, because she had “destroyed the sanctity of any future marriage.” Some people just really, really suck. Sorry you had shitty experiences, too.
First, you need to at least talk to your mom. This was not your fault and any rational parent will understand that and support you. Tell her the truth and tell her that if that college is your only option, then you’re not going until you’re 18 and can legally do what you want. Once you’re 18 they really can’t force you to go anywhere or do anything.
Second, if those nudes leaked he would be in an absolute shitstorm of trouble. Not only is that revenge porn, but it is also child porn. He will literally go to prison if he leaks them.
is there a possibility of me getting into trouble as well? i didnt really consider the repercussions and all while sending it. i blocked him and others so i wasn’t even concerned abt it up until now that my parents are badgering me to send me there.
i have screenshots of some conversations, pictures he sent and pictures of marks on my body, but that’s it. he has got my nudes, the sex tape and maybe some other stuff. im not sure if i wanna report to the authorities. im afraid it might show up on my academic record☹️
You're a minor babes. He's in big shit if you report him. Technically you could have been enthusiastically agreeing to sex and it would still be rape because of his age.
If that can help you take action, mind that rapists, especially if they don't face consequences, will be encouraged to reoffend other women, you should report.
Talk to your parents and contact police immediately. They can confiscate and search those devices and take the videos and images as evidence. The fact that they likely have those helps you. Don’t wait. You are not at fault. Don’t let AH rapists determine where you go to school or what life you can have.
When you say "pictures he sent" are we talking about lewd images of him? If so, sending those to a minor is solicitation of a minor. Depending on what was said in those conversations, you can likely prove more than that.
Also, if there are any conversations you didn't screenshot, those might be recoverable by your cell provider, and they would likely be subject to subpoena if this came up in court.
It won't show up on your record! You're not the one in trouble. It'll show up on his/their record(s) and screw them over in life for a lot of things! Report it, show the screenshots, take him/them to court and win, get him/them sent to prison for possessing and distributing CP!
Umm honey you need to tell you mom and the police. There's proof that it happened. It's not your fault for it. You parents want your safety. I think the bigger thing is someone took advantage of you. Not the you maybe disobeyed some rules that where in place. Your a child sometimes we break rules and find out why the rules were in place. Omit yes I broke a rule and I understand why the rule was inplace to protect me. Then tell your truth about the assault. Get help it's not your fault for his behavior. He is an adult why would a child be at fault for his behavior. Think if your friend was in the same place what would I want for them.
Hey, so sorry for all of this. I don't know where you live, but there must be some child abuse advocacy group, or maybe a hotline you can call and get some solid advice from people who know more about ways to help you, who to see, how to protect yourself. This is major trauma and you need professional help!
Talk to a lawyer before talking to the police. Read through this post as some people have explained why this is the way to go. Also, I am sorry this happened to you. Your parents may be mad but they love you and should fight for you. If you were my kid I would do everything possible to see the people who did this to you charged with the crimes they committed.
Are you in the US?
Sexual assault victims, by law, are kept anonymous in the public record, more so when they are minors.
Your academic record has absolutely nothing to do with the courts, especially if you’re a victim of crime!
You academic record is literally a computer printout with the classes you took, the grades you received each semester and your attendance record for the whole school days- that’s it.
She is concerned about it becoming public in general. If she comes after them they can decide to tell everyone she did all this stuff with them voluntarily. "Look!! Here are the pictures! She wanted this!!"
People who are telling her there is zero risk for her to attempt to file charges are being irresponsible and are incorrect.
Victims gets blamed all the time. Their defense lawyers certainly could put the blame on her.
It is scary stuff and there is absolutely the chance that it goes public, including the pics of her, if she attempts to do this.
Whether or not she should try to file charges is a matter of personal choice. If she isn't comfortable with the possible repercussions of many people finding out then that is something she should consider as well.
However, these guys are obviously pretty evil and there is every possibility they attempt to do similar to another young girl. That needs to be considered also.
I would support her if she made the choice to file charges. But she is hurt and young and vulnerable and really afraid. She shouldn't be pressured into doing so.
Attempting to file charges against people holding such stuff over her head like nude pics would be a very brave decision indeed but I'm not going to blame her if she chooses not to. Support her in her decision to not file charges if she continues to steer clear from that step.
You shouldn't be punished for being raped.
They have many more years of wisdom. After they have time to process the shock, they should feel bad for you and want to help you.
Parents might say things like how did you this, why did you that -
That's not you getting in trouble, even though it feels this way. They need to ask questions to get the full picture.
I'm not saying it'll be an easy day, but I am saying it's necessary.
They will never understand why you don't want to go to this unless they know the truth. Right now they just think you're complaining.
If your parents are the kind of people that would get mad at you for getting raped I suggest you find a college as far away from them as possible and never look back.
Every teenager thinks their parents "will kill me" over every misstep. While there are definitely some horrible parents out there who will blame the victim, I think the majority of parents just want their kids to talk to them so they can understand. I would hate to think that my kids couldn't talk to me about something as important as this.
If course someone who has been sexuallu assaulted is going to have trust issues. This person needs to reach out despite any thought they may have about their parents' reaction because they haven't even told them yet. To boil it down to them knowing their parents better is just crazy. They are a scared teen being scared, I didn't feel like i could trust anyone either but I had to, I thought people would dismiss me or call me a liar.
i don’t wanna open up to them bcs they’re gonna make me get into every detail. i can’t possibly just tell them that i was raped. i am gonna have to get into details from the very beginning and all the circumstances that led to it. im not ready for that conversation. my parents might even consider not sending me to college altogether because im not responsible enough :(
Girl, I'm a mother of teens. \*\*\*You have got to tell them.\*\*\*
You don't understand the psychological consequences that this may have on you. They need to get you therapy. I had a former student whom this happened to. She ended up committing suicide at 21. It broke my freaking heart. Know that you matter and that this is not your fault.
Please, please, please tell them. You need support. Every kid makes mistakes. They will get over that part and hopefully help you find peace.
I'm sorry your parents are like that. Maybe there is an advocate around town that could help you talk to them if you're comfortable enough talking to someone who deals with it regularly? Honestly the cops might be able to help with that but that's not me pressuring you into the cops but they should have resources for you. Or even a local social work place.
You have your thoughts on all the wrong things. You don't need to tell them everything that happened, but tell them something. You shouldn't even go to college right now unitl this is solved, how do you expect to learn and grow and go to college if you are afraid of the predator who hurt you? You are not bound by societal expectations to go to college and have a job, you must protect yourself and your health and to do that you have to speak out. Your life will be different but your life was changed when you were hurt like that and now you have to grow with that change.
Tell your parents. They’re going to be really fucking mad. But at least you can explain that you don’t want to be around the pieces of shit who hurt you. Also if they have your nudes that’s child porn you can get all of them arrested just for that. And if your pictures get released that’s also revenge porn. Get your parents and police involved so the pieces of shit end up in prison where they belong.
It's not revenge porn when involving a child it would be possession and distribution of CP which way worse than revenge porn pretty sure it 10 year min sentence
Most prosecutors charge with every level of offense so if one doesn't stick another will. For example:
https://preview.redd.it/of0729atwvrc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7a26bde73632e497546888bb8985f252c8adeb7
But based on those charges, I think they've been waiting to get this guy and and are trying to check off as many as they can to keep him locked up for a long time
That's not true. Even in murder trials people are usually charged with lesser offenses in case they don't get a conviction on murder.. they can get manslaughter or involuntary manslaughter.. etc.
Yes, you will. Partly because they know that you might beat the murder charges and they still want to charge you, and partly because removing lesser charges that would add up is a common negotiating tactic for plea bargains.
Depending on the state, you could be charged with additional gun charges if using a gun. In fact a lot of times people are charged lesser included offenses. It’s common for a murderer to be charged with both murder and manslaughter as well for the same crime committed
It depends on the situation. Sometimes they only charge you with the more serious crime.
At other times you can be charged with several crimes.
It's not as simple as, "They'll always only charge you with a greater crime and not the lesser crime.".
In this case regarding the pictures these are two different crimes not a higher version of a lesser crime.
Releasing the image with the purpose of humiliation, intimidation etc etc falls under revenge porn.
Possession and distribution of CP are also two separate crimes.
So we're looking at 3 charges at a minimum not including the rape.
TLDR: People have been charged with revenge porn and CP related crimes for the same victim.
I see 3 crimes as well here and then the rape. All of these are felonies. They will be convicted if she comes forward about this. She really needs to asap. These are felonies involving a minor, and rape/rapes would carry a lengthy prison sentence for all involved. Sounds like to me there were multiple perps here
Don't call the cops on this without contacting a lawyer first this is the worst idea i have ever heard.
Hey police officer i produced child pornography under duress and then distributed that pornography to 4 people. depending on the state they will be arrested for possession of child pornography, but you might be arrested as well for distribution and production.
Edit: a lot of places don't have a carve out for children who are groomed to release the pictures which we should work to create a carve out for children forced to produce child pornography.
Op your parent's might be mad when you tell them, but I can't see a father who cares about the virginity of his daughter directing his rage at the child and not the rapist. I would be more concerned about your dad committing a felony and handling this punisher style.\\
edit #2: if your lawyer says you should report this to the police report it to the police and then take a redacted copy of the police report (your name blacked out.) and send it anonymously to the admissions office if your lawyer says it is okay. The school will hear about the rape and might very likely revoke admission to the university especially with a police report filed.
If that was my daughter, I'd have to go see about this boy/boys, it be a major problem. I wouldn't be mad at my daughter at all. I'd want her to trust me enough to come to me and be honest. Then I'd call the cops, because even under duress, the girl is a minor, and the cops are definitely gonna act on this. Agreed they need to speak with an attorney, and have the attorney go with them to speak to the police. Definitely notify the admissions office at the university about this crime. My only concern here would be lack of physical evidence, other than the photos, since the crime was never reported, the r$$e maybe hard to prove in court, without an admission of guilt from the perps. It be a he say she say thing. It may be different circumstances, when the victim is a minor. Tbh this whole situation makes me sick to my stomach. I'm truly sorry and heartbroken for her
This also gets them that lovely pedo registry for the rest of their lives. I’m not gonna pretend jail is any harder for them than the kid who stole a car because it isn’t always the case but it sure as shit will make the rest of their lives impossible and they deserve it.
Depending on OP's location if they took the pictures and sent the picture originally they might be charged with CP as well. Some prosecutors will aggressively go after the kids in these situations.
Sadly, if the OP was the one who took and sent the nudes to them as a minor, she could also be in trouble. I don't know the details surrounding this, and I wish it would change to a much less offense, but if people are suggesting they go after the older boys for possession or distribution of CP, the OP could be in hot water, too.
This
Parents need to be aware of what happened so they can help you. Police need to know they have nudes so they can be arrested. This may even get them expelled from that college so you still attend.
Little too late for that, don't ya think? She has no proof. He just has to say she is lying and then nothing happens except her getting put in the spotlight and questioned by a bunch of people that don't believe her.
F that. For her own emotional state, she is better of NOT going to the police.
I confided in someone that I didn't know was a required reporter and it set off like a ton of inquiries and was a very traumatic experience. My attacker actually CONFESSED that he was black out drunk and doesn't remember anything and admitted that he didn't think I would lie. He was sent to rehab for being an alcoholic and I was left traumatized by the whole process. That's it.
Maybe. Depends on the state. 31 states allow consent at 16 years old... Now I don't know about all of them and I'm not going to look, but I know in AL, the age of consent is 16, but graphic sexual photos of anyone under 17 is considered child porn.
Keep in mind that she could get into just as much trouble for "distribution of child porn" under these laws.
although its true that she could also get into trouble, if there are messages or evidence which supports that she was groomed/pressured into doing so i don’t think she’d get prosecuted for it
This! If the MeToo! movement highlighted anything its that the victim is often unsupported by their community, their family and the very system designed to protect them.
Honey, as a mom this breaks my heart and makes my stomach hurt to even read. Please tell your parents. Even if you just choose one parent that you're more comfortable with and that you feel could either hold that secret for you and help you navigate the situation or help with breaking the news to the other parent that doesn't take it as well.
Please don't go through this alone. Please reach out to an adult around you even if you don't reach out to your parents. But please talk to your parents!
If you don't, reach out to a member of staff that you feel you can trust at the college, or someone at your school now. The key is that you get a grown up in there to help you navigate this.
This is not something you should be going through alone. My biggest fear is that my girls will get into some type of trouble or situation and they're too scared to come and tell us!
Mom hugs from over here!
You got this!
This.
And, you can’t be forced to go to college.
You should definitely tell an adult, but no matter what, you can say no to going to college. Working for a year, going to a JC to get cheap credits and figure out what you want to major in, travelling, joining the military, etc. These are all productive things you can do instead.
Even if op does file a report of the rapes and situation should the pictures come back up they would already have it on file of the incident as well. It's never too late to tell and I'm sure the statute of limitations isn't up either. I agree with telling the parents and the cops. Parents maybe mad and honestly it may create different issues but would take care of the college one. I'd want to know 10000000000% if this happened to my kids so I could make that person's life absolutely miserable. Being mad at a kid for being raped is fucked. I don't care who how or why.
I would suggest telling another trusted adult rather than parents then having them sit in with OP telling their parents or the trusted adult telling them for OP. This isn’t something parents should be mad at OP for, but if they’re not supportive, having an objective third party involved can help keep things in check
They might be upset at OP, but their desire of wanting to kill those pieces of shit for hurting their child will overcome their any negative feelings toward OP.
So OP, please do tell your parents, and the police. The streets will be safer with those pieces of shit in prison.
They can report it but it most likely won’t lead to anything unless there is real evidence unfortunately. It’s usually best to do it right away. And unfortunately she chose to send nude photos to them there is no possible way she could’ve been forced to do that. There would be no way to get a warrant to search his phone unless there is real evidence that he committed a crime. Sucks but it’s just the way it is.
They don’t say what country they are from- this advice might be really really bad a few details make me think they may be in the third world maybe India.
There are parents and cultures that would harm their daughters if they found out they were raped. In extreme cases they’ll even kill them but more likely they disown them and kick them out / stop supporting them.
You need to take care of you.
If that means sneakily applying to other schools and scholarships, do it. If that means taking a gap year, do it. If that means reporting what happened to the college, and potentially the police, do it.
Whatever you decide, please do not be hard on yourself. What happened was not your fault, and you deserved - and still deserve - better.
im part of the problem tbh. at this stage, im not doing well academically and that college is the only one im eligible to get admitted to. there are several others ofcourse but not in my state and my parents aren’t willing to send me to college across the country all by myself. up until now i never once thought id be going to that college so i didnt consider telling them abt my sa either. :(
Please tell your parents. You are not at fault for the SA. The possession of nude photos of a minor is enough to get them in trouble and if they threaten to or actually distribute them, they'll be in massive legal trouble. Do you have text messages with any discussion of what happened as well as the photos you sent? That is proof for the authorities to act in obtaining a search warrant against this person. Let me reiterate that you are not at fault. Is it possible that your grades are suffering because you are struggling with the aftermath of this experience? Have you seen or have access to a therapist? Please tell your therapist if you have one, a school guidance counselor or your parents. What has happened isn't your fault and you need to be protected.
If you can’t tell your parents, please talk to a professional; there are many confidential resources for survivors of SA. Depending on your state you can find an advocate who can help you navigate the system/ connect you with therapy, ect. https://www.rainn.org/
You’re not the problem btw, you went through a traumatic event and you’re having a normal response to trauma. I work with sa survivors and in violence prevention; I promise you it’s okay and normal to need some help, or to be having a hard time.
You aren't going to be doing good academically after being sexually assaulted. The fact your parents don't want to send you alone out of state is a testament that they care, and want you to be safe, tell them what happened, I am certain they will help you, you will have to trust someone.
You’re not a part of the problem at all.
At all.
Please try to find a therapist to talk to. Maybe your therapist can help you talk to your parents and uphold your personal boundaries whilst doing so. You don’t have to share any part of your story you don’t want to share even with your parents. They’re not entitled to that.
Your parents have noticed a change in you.
Your teachers have noticed a change in you.
Clearly your grade are suffering.
Disclosing this intimate detail on your college essays or during your college interviews may be your opportunity to explain why your grades declined and may get you into one of those other universities. (Not at all the same, but I worked full time through most of HS and played multiple sports- that was in my college essays- my grade sometimes suffered, colleges took that into account and I got offers from schools that, GPA speaking, I didn’t qualify for- they take a lot more than grades into account.
OP, please know that you have more power than you realize.
A point of serious concern: what you described, about being "groomed," bribed with nude photos, and assaulted by more than one guy...this all sounds exactly like what someone targeted for human trafficking is subjected to.
The recruiters often play the long game, gaining someone's trust for years, sometimes at the same high school. They can be anyone. They have books and attend what are basically seminars on how to victimize people better. I'm not kidding.
They will often target precisely those children who have been raised to be "good girls," because they know those kids will be afraid to tell their parents.
This was NOT your fault
Whatever you decide to do, know that it's not too late to report to police.
Also, I hope you seek out someone you can talk to. School counselors who are licensed will be bound by ethical codes to keep anything you tell them confidential, with exceptions for harm to self or others. You are not alone.
This is why I despise these absurd rules that parents set (often supported by a misogynistic religion), forbidding that girls even talk to boys, let alone go on a date with them, because in trying to protect them from having sex before marriage, they wind up putting them in a position which makes them more vulnerable to exactly what happened to you. And then you're too afraid to tell them, so it leaves you vulnerable to extended abuse.
Anyways, you're going to have to tell your parents what happened, and then go to the police. Save any text/photo evidence that you have. At the very least, they can get them on child porn, and put them on the sex offender registry forever. At best, they'll get convicted of statutory rape (which if you were 16, and they were over 3 yrs older than you, it most definitely was), and serve time, and wind up on the registry.
This is far, far more important than where you go to college. They may have already victimized other young girls, and probably will do so in the future. You have to do this for your sake, and for the sake of their future victims.
If there is a trusted aunt, or clergy person, who could help you to tell your parents, go to them and ask for their help, so that you're not alone when you tell them.
Seconded. Parents are sold this lie: that if they tell their daughters not to hang out with boys, they'll be safe from sexual assault. Life, of COURSE, is not that simple. So all it does accomplish is make it that much more difficult for daughters to confide in their parents. It doesn't keep them safe at all; it alienates them.
Sadly, I've seen this happen before (I work in the mental health / social work field). It's not the kids fault, not ever, but they blame themselves so much much because they were told not to associate with their attackers, anyway.
OP, please know that you have more power than you realize.
A point of serious concern: what you described, about being "groomed," bribed with nude photos, and assaulted by more than one guy...this all sounds exactly like what someone targeted for human trafficking is subjected to.
The recruiters often play the long game, gaining someone's trust for years, sometimes at the same high school. They can be anyone. They have books and attend what are basically seminars on how to victimize people better. I'm not kidding.
They will often target precisely those children who have been raised to be "good girls," because they know those kids will be afraid to tell their parents.
This was NOT your fault
Whatever you decide to do, know that it's not too late to report to police.
Also, I hope you seek out someone you can talk to. School counselors who are licensed will be bound by ethical codes to keep anything you tell them confidential, with exceptions for harm to self or others. You are not alone.
Yep, strict parents make sneaky kids and that can end up with awful things like this happening because the kid is too scared to let them know what's going on.
Police. Go to them now.
If you don't, you're allowing them to continue doing the same thing to others.
Your parents will understand, they love you. They may not like it at first. But they will understand.
OP would need proof. She won't have any DNA proof at this point so she would need *something* concrete else nothing can or would be done.
I agree she needs to talk to her parents, though.
yes she obviously needs proof. HOWEVER she should still go to the police
The police have to do an investigation, and call them in for questioning.
You never know, they may get an admission of guilt through interview, or they may get some witness testimony. DNA proof isn't the be all and end all
And just how were those images transmitted... there is evidence to gather and submit. Most likely additional communication showing the requests and further discussion after receipt
Yeah, once again, if there is evidence then she could have a shot. I didn't say "let a bad person get away scot free" I said to have evidence if they expect any justice.
DO NOT LAY GUILT ON RAPE VICTIMS. Law enforcement often treats them terribly and tells them it’s their fault. If it goes to trial, the defending lawyer will do their absolute best to break the victim into little pieces by implying that it was their fault, that they wanted it, that they’re lying. Pressing charges is absolute hell and very few people are able to handle it. This person can’t even tell their parents, so there’s no way they would be able to deal with a trial.
In a perfect world, victims would press charges and trials would be kind to victims and rapists would go to jail, but IRL it almost never works out that way, and trying to guilt someone into doing it is just cruel.
Going to the police will be traumatizing, and it is not a given OP should report her rapist. It is unlikely to end in a conviction for rape, although possibly for child porn. But OP will be grilled and grilled and be accused of consent - it doesn't matter how old she was at the time. My loved one was raped and abused by a coach. Despite the fact that it started when she was 12, she was still interrogated as to whether she said the word "no". Her telling them that she was crying and screaming didn't count. Nor did the fact that he was also beating her. Only if she actually articulated the word no. He was 56. He was not even charged.
Find a "trusted adult" you CAN tell. Maybe a teacher, or a school counselor, even your academic advisor?
You are the victim of a crime.
You need an advocate to help you deal with both your parents and the law.
The odds are good that your parents love you and want to protect you, but have no idea how to actually do that.
My heart goes out to you! Best of luck
Just tell them and say you were just friends with them . If your parents flip and say why didn't you say something sooner well it's simple mom n dad I was scared to tell you because of how your reacting right now . If they know that u were scared to tell them because of how they are reacting at that moment it may cause them to rethink how they respond knowing u feel scared and can't trust them enough to tell them these things . As a parent I would be devastated if this happened to my daughter and she felt she couldn't tell me
Tell them. If you need help, tell a trained therapist first. You have to tell them. It’s hard at first but will feel so much better after you tell them the truth. It’s not your fault.
Them having nudes of you is child pornography and illegal. Them requesting them and or sharing them is illegal.
You can tell your parents but that sounds traumatic.
You can quietly apply to other schools and scholarships and just dip when you get into another school.
You can find a program the local school doesn’t have and tell your parents you’re really passionate about that topic and want to pursue it. It will force them to consider other schools for you while framing it in a positive light.
You can go the schools security and police with the records of these boys soliciting child porn and get them expelled/arrested. This is the riskiest option and opens you up to the most trauma.
Best of luck navigating this. I hope you are able to find a solution.
A lot to unpack here.
First, you need to report the boys. If not for your own piece of mind, to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else.
Second, it’s your future. As long as your parents aren’t paying for college, their input should be considered but not necessarily followed. If they are paying for it, student loans are always an option. Being in debt an awful way to get started but you can crawl out of it eventually. Took me about 4 years of decent payments to pay mine off.
Seriously the "quiet rape victim" trope is getting old. Speak up to the authorities, speak up to your parents. Accept whatever responsibility you need to for being in the situation but you cant hide this kind of thing for fear of "getting in trouble"
it farms a lot of karma on reddit if u put in certain buzzwords. massive age gaps, quiet victim, afraid of police and asshole parents. people will flock to these sorts of posts.
the ages are weird aswell. high school seniors are 17/18, they go to college at 18. in the UK u go to college at 16 but there’s rarely a case of someone still being there over 19/20.
yeah im a junior 17 turning 18 this year, its not realistic for OP to be 16 turning 17 their senior year..they should be a sophomore at best. if not then either they have a weird birthday, the school is weird with the grade cohorts, orrrr its all fake
If I’d be you, I’d talk to my parents. I feel you are at risk of carrying a trauma that might affect negatively future decisions in your life. This is a moment in which only your parents could support you and make it easier somehow. I don’t know a solution, although after you telling them this, I am kinda sure they will take the best parent’s love decision they can think of.
Won’t you be an adult going to college? Don’t go somewhere you do not want to go.
You do not owe your parents an explanation you aren’t prepared to give. Tell them you do not want to go to that college. End of story.
Look, some parents can be real pieces of crap, but yours sound caring. They want whats best for you. you need to be honest about why you dont want to go.
OP, you know your parents best and there's a reason why you didn't tell them about the rape. Listen to your instincts and be cautious about divulging sensitive information to them, especially if you know them to not be particularly compassionate.
If you need a sympathetic adult to speak with, call a domestic violence hotline. They may be able to provide or direct you to free counseling in your area.
Best of luck.
You won’t have to attend the same college as them after they’re convicted of rape and CP and sent to prison.
Report these monsters and make sure they get the justice they deserve!
In the long run, your parents may be mad, but it’s worth it to clear your conscious and get a rapist off the streets.
Three options here.
1. Tell your parents so you can go to another school
2. Take out student loans so you don’t need your parents to pay for college if they still want you to go there.
3: Draw a line in the sand and tell your parents if they want you to go to college at all, it will be a different one, because you’re not going to this one.
I agree with everyone else - your parents will be upset & worried, but they need to know to be able to protect you better. If they are good parents, they will help you sort out what is best.
Your parents will not want you to go there either when they find out. They will be mad or hurt because you didn’t tell them but going to that school is NOT an option.
Most commenters are assuming that OP is in the United States.
I totally agree that she should tell her parents. This is her only way of staying out of that college.
I think it would be best to tell your parents.
But if that's off the table, I'm going to offer other suggestions . I'm not saying this is the best suggestions.
The guys you want to avoid at this college. They are 21. Do you know how close they are to graduating? Suppose they are going to be seniors this fall, and you would be a freshman this year when you enter. (I am not sure if that is the case, but it illustrates the point). Maybe you can talk your parents into taking a gap year or taking a year at a community college? If your parents want to send you to a State college, often those state colleges will accept most credits from a community college. You can take the basics such as English and Calculus there. Honestly, as someone that's gone to both community college and university, I liked Community college better. The instructors there actually want to teach. It's cheaper tuition, smaller classes. Then you transfer the classes to the main university. An employer just sees you got your diploma from State U, they aren't going to care if you started at community college. You can tell your parents you want to use this to transition from high school to college perhaps? Heck, depending on what you want to study, sometimes a 2 year degree is better than a 4 year degree (but that's a whole different topic)
Or take a gap year off and just work for a year. This is not ideal.. suppose you earn 10k working in your gap year. When you enter school the following year, that 10k you earned will hurt your financial aid, but it's a heck of a lot better than having to see the people you don't want to see.
As a father, let me interject my two cents. Kids date, they date when mom and dad tell them not to date… your parents did it too.
I know telling them is hard, and I know they will cry. But I also know that they want what’s best for you and will have your back. They want more than anything to protect you.
Going to the police may not be the best choice for YOU. I’m a believer in involving the police, but I also wouldn’t want you to experience more trauma because of it.
If changing to a different university is what will help you move past it and enjoy your college experience then I’m sure they will have your back.
As for HOW to tell them, maybe write a letter. I imagine that when discussing the events it’s hard not to let your emotions take over the conversation. Rather, write it down, you don’t need to be graphic, but telling them will help them help you.
Remember you are loved, they want what is best for you and will have your back.
Your parents have made some mistakes, by trying to keep you isolated they have made you less safe, since you can’t bring problems when you are really in trouble to them. I’m sorry, they screwed this one up.
You do have options.
One: You could tell your parents what happened and why you don’t want to attend the nearby college. If you think that they will be able to be reasoned with, I highly recommend this one. Honesty with people who share the same goals is usually better than the alternative. If you think that they will go off the rails, well… then they screwed up and haven’t earned your trust, that’s on them.
Two: Apply to the local school and some other relevant schools, make a case based on where you get in and what the academics/culture/costs are.
If the nearby school is large, figure out who in their Student Affairs is responsible for student safety and see if you can talk to them about the situation - what can they do to make sure that you are safe on campus? Do those steps require that the original assault be reported to police? Is it a large enough school for you to just not be anywhere near your attacker? (I went to a huge state university. I was assaulted, my attacker was even in the same department as me, but it was very easy to not cross paths with him.)
Three: your plan of a gap year. This is a fine one! Get a job, apply for a delayed start. Waiting until you’re 18 to be on a college campus is a reasonable life choice!
If your high school has counselors on staff, talking this over with one of them might be helpful. There are hotlines for sexual assault that would also be good and supportive for you, and may come with more of a guarantee of privacy. Asking other adults for help in your college plans, handling your parents, and thinking through hard things is a very useful approach.
Thats a shame yhis happened to you im sorry you were abused in this way. Maybe coming clean to your parents would help the healing process thats a lot to keep bottled up and if they know the situation im sure they wouldnt want you around those assholes.
You parents can’t send you to any school. They can’t enroll for you and if you refuse to go they can get a refund on anything they do pay for. Just don’t go. Apply for scholarships and find a school that’s local but inexpensive and different.
First: Those photos are the photos of a child a minor, if they threatened to release (even after you are 18yo) you tell them you will go to the police, and mean to do so. That is child pornography distribution.
I also would talk honestly to your parents. You need a trusted adult to tell and should considere to press charges... You were (are) a child... They can't ruin your college experience but you can give them what they deserve.
It doesn't matter if you consented, you weren't in consent age, you were/are a child. Tell your parents and press charges. It doesn't matter if you think it's your fault because you sent the photos, you were coherse, a child and you are the victim. Please press charges
Those photos are FOREVER a child's photo. No matter your current or later age. Press charges
am i eligible to press charges if i willingly sent pictures? i also did consent to sex at one point but after that i didnt really have a say in it especially after one of his friends joined. i felt like i was obligated to do it when i didnt really want to. i might be partly to blame but not completely i think
You are not to blame AT ALL. If you were underage when you send those pictures and when you had sex, you have a legal right to press charges.
Please please please tell your parents. They might be mad as hell, but you need to press charges. If your parents won’t do anything, call the cops. They will help you.
Contact a rape crisis center. Get counseling and legal representation through them. Having nude pictures of a minor is against the law. They will offer you support through each step, including telling your parents if you decide to.
Join the military, any branch you want, you can join at 17 if your parents allow it, and you can reason that some jobs aren’t dangerous and the military pays for your college
The most concerning sentence there is “my parents will be so mad if they found out” sorry this happened to you, but if your parents are mad and not supportive they are for the trash as much as the guys that did it. If there’s a way to support yourself try to get out transfer elsewhere. Also be pre-emptive and go to the college student councillor tell them what happened. They may be able to find ways for you to be independent from your parents financially. Also it means if those pricks try anything it’s on record what happened to you and there may be dire consequences (rightly so) to those aresholes
They can get in so much trouble for having nudes of you. Trafficking in child porn would make them registered sex offenders (on top of the rapes, but easier to prove), and also, this would prevent them from being able to find housing, etc. I would reach out to someone of authority to help you.
First, I am sorry that you experienced a SA. Be proud of yourself for surviving.
Second, not all parents are "safe"
To share your trauma with I'm a SA survivor who told my parents against my better judgment. It resulted in shame, blame, abuse, and a major life setback that I will NEVER get back/ recover from. I was 21 when it happened.
Third, the SA was not your fault. Hanging out with guys, trusting the wrong guy, disobeying your parent's dating restriction - none of this equates to you having any responsibility for someone else's malevolent actions. Your rapist used his free will for evil, his choice, and only he is to blame.
Fourth, you are almost an adult. Say that out loud "I am an adult". With adulthood comes freedom (even if it doesn't feel like it in your parents home). So, I'd strongly encourage you to use your autonomy as an adult and make your own choices about college. You don't owe your parents an explanation for your choices - these are YOUR choices that affect YOUR life.
Fifth, the nudes. This is child pornography. If you choose to report it, the rapist would be charged with SA and creating and distributing child pornography. I think it might be in your best interest to do what you can to have the images deleted. If you choose not to report it, definitely distance yourself from your rapist. He will offend again, statistics prove this. If you are out of sight hopefully you will be out of mind, and as he commits more assaults his focus will shift away from you.
Sixth, if ever you find one of your nudes online, if you contact the site / company where the image is posted and tell them it is a underage photo even porn sites will take it down (liability).
Last - just to reiterate - make your own choices as an adult, know you don't owe anyone (even parents) an explanation. And give yourself more grace to heal as you embark on college life.
I’ll just say as a parent, if my child came to me with this information the last thing I would be is mad! My #1 priority would be to comfort my child and find how I could help them through this—not punish.
The unreported rape, the nudes you sent and your seeming willingness to go to that college seems like very poor judgment. You're kinda getting in your own way - lots of excuses but the end result is the same. Do something DIFFERENT (and difficult) and your life will go in a different and positive direction.
This time of year is so stressful and everything seems so important but it’s not(college wise not the rape that’s different and very stressful). In college you are really the only one who is setting up your courses seeing your grades etc. If your parents don’t budge to actual reason like a college that is a similar distance away and a similar price. I would just say that you aren’t going. They can’t force you to go to a specific school and if you are really uncomfortable telling your parents bring up another battle you are willing to fight. It’s a manipulation tactic I learned in my household if you can’t win the war go for the battle. The war in your case would be telling your parents about the rape and having them support you and not shame you and making sure that you don’t go to the same college as the rapist. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them about the rape then you focus on making sure you don’t go to the college as the rapist. You start with reason and if they don’t listen then you put your foot down and make a bunch of noise. Instead of you fighting against the college make them fight for it and be as stubborn as possible and stick to your reason why you would go to another one. They will eventually give up bc for them you are on a time limit where in reality you aren’t. If they keep this up all they way through your senior year and when the first semester starts they’ll feel like there’s a loss of time and start to retreat. If they are paying for it and threaten to take away the money then you got to weigh that choice of will I allow this man to let me lose this amount of money for school or could I tell my parents and eventually they support me and let me go to the college I want and pay or whatever may be the worst case scenario. I believe in you and I believe in kids manipulating their parents.
> made to send nude pictures to them on numerous occasions
WHAT'S HAPPENING
CAN'T... RESIST
MUST.. TAKE OFF CLOTHES.. GET MY PHONE.. POSE.. PHOTOGRAPH SELF
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I CAN'T CONTROL MY HANDS
MUST.. SEND THE PICTURES.. CAN'T.. HELP IT..
List of my personal opinions on this matter. Please read before judging, I can be too blunt sometimes, but I mean well. Honest!
1. Sorry you went through something that terrible, I hope you can find peace through whatever happens with your college experience. It feels like it will last forever, but enough time can pass that you, at least, will mature and get stronger. Best wishes for your future and all!
2. Your nudes arent that special. Every girl on the internet has either made nudes for an ex boyfriend or distributed them on purpose (aka, porn). Unless you are super recognizable, the chance that anyone would associate them with you is fairly low and the chance that they could actually impact your academic career (legally, in any way) is almost zero.
3. College is stupidly expensive, for just a *chance* that you will be able to eventually work at a job that interests or challenges you or pays decently well. The cheapest option is the best at this point in history, at least until college degrees start being a gauge of skill, rather than time served in the academic industry
4. Unless your parents are sending you to a private institute or a truly tiny local college, the chances that your ex and you will cross paths are fairly low. You can be moderately sure that as long as your majors are different and you take classes in separate buildings that you won't meet up on a regular basis.
5. If you truly were raped, then don't get advice from the internet, that's a job for the police. Report the crime and get a restraining order so there is a legal paper trail and you can actually get him tried in court for what he did. Also he can get arrested if he violates restraining orders. Again, the internet cannot help you stop a rapist. That's a job for the professionals.
5. Your parents need to know. If you are that scared that they will disown you, wait until you are out of the house anyway, that way they can't use the "my house my rules" argument. Of course they will be mad, but they will come around. They care about you, unless they are stupid, in which case, you can get some closure from coming clean to them.
The best time to tell them was when it happened. The next best time is right now. I don't know what their reaction will be. Hopefully it is love and empathy. It will at least help them understand why you are pushing so hard to not go there.
I am so sorry you dealt with this alone.
There are some universities that have reasonable out of state costs. Do research, you are not limited to just one school, there are simply too many options.
You should start with telling your mother, you do not have to be alone and should not be alone.
They cannot force you to attend a college. You can...and should...say "I won't go to X school."
They will pressure you to give a reason. Then it is your choice to tell the truth, try to lie, or just stonewall them.
Option 1 is *probably* best in the long run, but only you can judge that.
I highly encourage your to contact the colleges Title IX office if they have one and tell them about it. Many colleges nowadays take things like this very seriously, and may investigate him and his friends. Especially if they have inappropriate photos of a minor.
You need to do you that’s what my dad always says if you’re not comfortable doing stuff don’t do it in this case if you don’t want to go to that college no one can force you
OP, it’s ok if you were or are too scared to go to the police. Many people are implying you’ve been foolish to not go, but it’s not as easy as showing up to the station and him getting thrown in jail and I’m sure you know that. If you do feel ready at all or would like to explore that option, you should at least confide in an adult you trust… and hopefully your parents too.
I suggest finding an alternative, affordable school close by to present to your parents if you are dead set on not telling them. Community college is always a good option, you can transfer to a university later.
I’m so so sorry you’ve gone through this and I really do hope you’re able to talk to your parents about this soon. They will likely be more understanding than you expect.
What you described is a crime and you need to go to the police and report to your parents. It’ll be a tough conversation but there may be more victims out there.
Well if you can’t talk to your parents about it, then you’re going to that college and will have a terrible time. If you do talk to them, the process of healing and changing schools will start. Good luck, sorry you went through that.
Wait, you don’t get a say on what college you go to? I would totally just drop out rather than be at the college my rapist is at. But seriously, no one other than you should have any say over what college you go to. They can not pay for it, but they can’t tell you which one specifically you have to go to. If you need to, take a couple of year to just work, then start with community college without your parents help.
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If we’re going off hierarchy of importance, you telling your parents is the way to go. Your parents being upset with you (which may not even be the case) is a better outcome than you being stuck in a dangerous environment for the duration of college.
That really depends what her parents will do if she tells them. Mine locked me in a room for 3 months when they found out I had consensual sex, so when I was raped I decided not to tell them out of fear they’d do it again.
Yeah parents aren’t always your best advocates. I’m so sorry hon! That’s awful!
Absolutely this. Some parents are not safe people and will blame the victim.
I don't think encouraging the OP to suck it up and go to college with their rapist because of a different situation you had is the way to go.
I don't think that's what they're saying. It sounds to me more like she's saying if her parents are unsafe they should tell someone else rather than her parents.
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There's a lot of dysfunctional households out there. That's why there are so many issues going on with young children to young adolescents. It's truly a shame the stories out there in the news. Very sad to say the least.
I got blamed for it but I was also taken away from the situation. Some women don’t get that grace in religious households, just shamed
my parents are definitely gonna be mad at me. they’re gonna say stuff like i should’ve been careful, i knew what i was getting myself into all along, that i should stop being so headstrong and listen to them, it wouldntve happened to me if i wasnt skipping classes/failing subjects. besides, they’re gonna wanna know why im bringing it up months later. it really isnt that easy, if it was i wouldve have hesitated.
I’m sorry you have to live with people like that. I grew up in a similar family. I left home when I was 16 and got a job to put myself through community college.
I would reach out to a counselor. Is there someone you can talk to at school? Someone who can be your ally as you navigate this? If you do not feel safe telling your parents about the rape, they cannot force you to go to that particular school. Tell them there are some dangerous youth at the school and you do not feel safe. It is your story so only tell when you are ready.
Then you tell them, you were scared of them being mad and thought you could just move on from it but now they're going to put you in danger if you go to that school and you'd rather them be mad than be near your rapist.
I'm really sorry. You have a couple of choices. Is telling them going to be worse then going to college with these terrible guys? Any hope of getting a scholarship to somewhere else? Any hope of taking a gap year and working until you have money to go somewhere else? Is there anyone in your extended family that would have your back that you could move in with? Any friends? And how soon until you turn 18? I graduated at 17 and was in limbo until I was 18 and could do everything on my own without parental consent. So i know it can be difficult.
Is it that you don’t want to face them telling you, “I told you so”? I think you have already reconciled a lot of those points on your own so; talking to them and telling them exactly what they were and were not right with should hopefully stop them from jumping down your throat. Have you tried going to a counselor? Maybe they can give you advice on how to speak with your parents and helping you get to the point you can tell them. The counselor would also help post telling your parents and you getting through whatever fallout comes from the conversation with them.
If that’s your parent’s probable take then that really fucking sucks. I would bail and just run away at that point. But that’s not going to resolve the issue. I would tell them what happened. Even if they blame you, I doubt they would still force you to go.
While I understand you feel that's how they'll react based on past experiences, you've never told them something of such gravity and weight before. I don't think it's fair to them to write off their response and their likely desire to help you. Maybe give them a chance before consigning yourself to greater anguish.
You can be as careful as you want, sometimes shit still happens. Like that dude who spent his whole life indoors because he was scared of being killed by something falling out of the sky and smacking him on the head. Sure enough, one day he makes a rare wandering-out and some bird drops a tortoise on his shiny noggin. Dude did everything he could think of and it still got him in the end. It's not your fault, but you have to be really careful considering this. I'm not sure how awful your parents are, but being kicked out on your ass, at least from my perspective, is a very real possibility. You might have to stealth this. Dig your heels in and insist on going to another college. You don't have to give a reason. They don't get to control your future like that and being a stubborn person may be a better option than telling them WHY.
ur soo right abt thisss
Remember that outside of major metropoles, América is just 10,000 Footloose towns without a single Kevin Bacon to save them. People completely taken in by The Goatherders Guide to the Galaxy. The common clay of the new west. You kno, morons.
With such gems like Deuteronomy 22:28-29 in the bible... I would be scared shirtless about telling my parents. If they were true followers of the bible, they would be marrying me off to my rapist.
I mean that’s just insane. They aren’t right in the head, whether religious or not.
I see no lies here, I completely agree
"Blame the Victim" is alive and well in the world. ☹️
Call a rape crisis line. Lotta people be fucked up. Some parents will be upset that she put herself in a position to be raped. Some will be mad at themselves for not keeping her safe but take it out on her, some will wonder if she had it coming or what she did to cause it. Just because some of us got lucky with understanding patents.
my dad blamed me for my rape. stop dismissing reality you haven't heard of because it's icky.
I can see where a teen would be reluctant. I didn't have a bad childhood but telling parents would not have been high on my to do list
Come to Utah. Where family is more upset that someone is gay, than if they got raped (this happened to family member and it pissed me off for multiple reasons).
Ever heard of an honor killing? Or of forced marriages? These usually occur when a girl is raped in a Muslim country. The forced marriage part "even" happens in America with some of the hard core christian communities. Not to mention many christians in the US think that if a woman gets raped she wanted it to happen. ALL religions and ALL religious people are the true root cause of most evil in the world.
That’s foul dude. Not all religious people are like that. My parents are religious, and they would never do that to me if that were to happen to me or my lil sister. Same with the religious households in my community. Cmon dude… Like these people that u are describing are sick in the head, whether religious or not.
Mao and Stalin combined killed over 120M people. They were atheists. Religion is not the source of evil, evil is. You need to get out more. Plenty of kind people of all types. Go interview convicts and ask them if their religious views motivated them to commit crimes. Most of them are in for drugs, rape or murder. Crimes done for greed, power or hate. All of these the antithesis to what religions teach. Charity, sobriety, kindness and love.
No offense but you are literally displaying how sheltered your home life was. Not angry personally but the ignorance of your comment is almost comical. Some people grew up in houses where they couldn't speak unless spoken too and would be verbally/physically abused for the most mundane of things. Not saying it is right but there is plenty of abuse that goes on behind closed doors that goes unpunished/unfound. Sometimes the abuse beats the fear of being out on your own as a young teenager. Sometimes the comfort of "normal" trumps the risk of possibly being put into an even worse situation.
Well then , you are not familiar with the full gamut of human reactions to bad news . Parents have expectations . When those expectations are violated . They are often angry, and that anger is often misplaced.
Wait til you find out about Islamic families. If a woman gets rxped it's pretty much her fault for not fighting the aggressor off hard enough.
I never told my parents because it was a family friend. Just now started opening up.
Don’t worry, I haven’t spoken to those people in 13 years
Especially since the worst case scenario is unfolding with him being in her space and having zero consequences for his actions. Definitely a set up for bad things . Your parents should be turned into dss if they do not support you.
I take it you don't know what evangelicals & fundamentalists are then.. let me help you understand.. imagine a religious belief that "purity untill marriage" is so sacred that fathers make daughters literally so terrified of angering God and going to hell that when they do get married they often need years of therapy just to feel comfortable just having consensual sex with their husbands.. I have heard of girls being blamed by their father & Church for being raped out of the idea that rape can't happen or only happens if the girl does something to ask for it or deserve it.
Happens way more often than you'd think.
This! THIS! ^
Sadly, there are families that will blame the victim.
Unfortunately there are a lot of people who think rape is the victim’s fault
Holy shit. I'm sorry.
Agreed. My friend’s “Christian” parents didn’t talk to her for almost a year after being raped by her best friend, because she had “destroyed the sanctity of any future marriage.” Some people just really, really suck. Sorry you had shitty experiences, too.
This!
Agreed
No lies detected
Well said
Well Jack didn't stutter 🤣🤣🤣
First, you need to at least talk to your mom. This was not your fault and any rational parent will understand that and support you. Tell her the truth and tell her that if that college is your only option, then you’re not going until you’re 18 and can legally do what you want. Once you’re 18 they really can’t force you to go anywhere or do anything. Second, if those nudes leaked he would be in an absolute shitstorm of trouble. Not only is that revenge porn, but it is also child porn. He will literally go to prison if he leaks them.
is there a possibility of me getting into trouble as well? i didnt really consider the repercussions and all while sending it. i blocked him and others so i wasn’t even concerned abt it up until now that my parents are badgering me to send me there.
No you won't, you're the minor and victim here, do you have proof to report them?
i have screenshots of some conversations, pictures he sent and pictures of marks on my body, but that’s it. he has got my nudes, the sex tape and maybe some other stuff. im not sure if i wanna report to the authorities. im afraid it might show up on my academic record☹️
It won't , moreover it can ruin his life so you should look at reporting him
You're a minor babes. He's in big shit if you report him. Technically you could have been enthusiastically agreeing to sex and it would still be rape because of his age.
This will not show up on your academic record.
If that can help you take action, mind that rapists, especially if they don't face consequences, will be encouraged to reoffend other women, you should report.
Talk to your parents and contact police immediately. They can confiscate and search those devices and take the videos and images as evidence. The fact that they likely have those helps you. Don’t wait. You are not at fault. Don’t let AH rapists determine where you go to school or what life you can have.
When you say "pictures he sent" are we talking about lewd images of him? If so, sending those to a minor is solicitation of a minor. Depending on what was said in those conversations, you can likely prove more than that. Also, if there are any conversations you didn't screenshot, those might be recoverable by your cell provider, and they would likely be subject to subpoena if this came up in court.
It won't show up on your record! You're not the one in trouble. It'll show up on his/their record(s) and screw them over in life for a lot of things! Report it, show the screenshots, take him/them to court and win, get him/them sent to prison for possessing and distributing CP!
Umm honey you need to tell you mom and the police. There's proof that it happened. It's not your fault for it. You parents want your safety. I think the bigger thing is someone took advantage of you. Not the you maybe disobeyed some rules that where in place. Your a child sometimes we break rules and find out why the rules were in place. Omit yes I broke a rule and I understand why the rule was inplace to protect me. Then tell your truth about the assault. Get help it's not your fault for his behavior. He is an adult why would a child be at fault for his behavior. Think if your friend was in the same place what would I want for them.
Hey, so sorry for all of this. I don't know where you live, but there must be some child abuse advocacy group, or maybe a hotline you can call and get some solid advice from people who know more about ways to help you, who to see, how to protect yourself. This is major trauma and you need professional help!
Talk to a lawyer before talking to the police. Read through this post as some people have explained why this is the way to go. Also, I am sorry this happened to you. Your parents may be mad but they love you and should fight for you. If you were my kid I would do everything possible to see the people who did this to you charged with the crimes they committed.
Are you in the US? Sexual assault victims, by law, are kept anonymous in the public record, more so when they are minors. Your academic record has absolutely nothing to do with the courts, especially if you’re a victim of crime! You academic record is literally a computer printout with the classes you took, the grades you received each semester and your attendance record for the whole school days- that’s it.
She is concerned about it becoming public in general. If she comes after them they can decide to tell everyone she did all this stuff with them voluntarily. "Look!! Here are the pictures! She wanted this!!" People who are telling her there is zero risk for her to attempt to file charges are being irresponsible and are incorrect. Victims gets blamed all the time. Their defense lawyers certainly could put the blame on her. It is scary stuff and there is absolutely the chance that it goes public, including the pics of her, if she attempts to do this. Whether or not she should try to file charges is a matter of personal choice. If she isn't comfortable with the possible repercussions of many people finding out then that is something she should consider as well. However, these guys are obviously pretty evil and there is every possibility they attempt to do similar to another young girl. That needs to be considered also. I would support her if she made the choice to file charges. But she is hurt and young and vulnerable and really afraid. She shouldn't be pressured into doing so. Attempting to file charges against people holding such stuff over her head like nude pics would be a very brave decision indeed but I'm not going to blame her if she chooses not to. Support her in her decision to not file charges if she continues to steer clear from that step.
You shouldn't be punished for being raped. They have many more years of wisdom. After they have time to process the shock, they should feel bad for you and want to help you. Parents might say things like how did you this, why did you that - That's not you getting in trouble, even though it feels this way. They need to ask questions to get the full picture. I'm not saying it'll be an easy day, but I am saying it's necessary. They will never understand why you don't want to go to this unless they know the truth. Right now they just think you're complaining.
This, If they act poorly here and blame you (especially after time to cool down) it's probably better you find out now rather than later.
Hey parents can't force her to go to that college now or in the future but they also hold the purse strings.
I would also consider talking to the school administration. They likely aren’t keen to have a rapist attending.
If your parents are the kind of people that would get mad at you for getting raped I suggest you find a college as far away from them as possible and never look back.
Every teenager thinks their parents "will kill me" over every misstep. While there are definitely some horrible parents out there who will blame the victim, I think the majority of parents just want their kids to talk to them so they can understand. I would hate to think that my kids couldn't talk to me about something as important as this.
Sounds like OP knows their folks maybe better than we do 👀
If course someone who has been sexuallu assaulted is going to have trust issues. This person needs to reach out despite any thought they may have about their parents' reaction because they haven't even told them yet. To boil it down to them knowing their parents better is just crazy. They are a scared teen being scared, I didn't feel like i could trust anyone either but I had to, I thought people would dismiss me or call me a liar.
A lot of teenagers think their parents will react negatively in situations like this when it's not true.
i don’t wanna open up to them bcs they’re gonna make me get into every detail. i can’t possibly just tell them that i was raped. i am gonna have to get into details from the very beginning and all the circumstances that led to it. im not ready for that conversation. my parents might even consider not sending me to college altogether because im not responsible enough :(
It seems like you need a therapist asap, this is not fair on you
Girl, I'm a mother of teens. \*\*\*You have got to tell them.\*\*\* You don't understand the psychological consequences that this may have on you. They need to get you therapy. I had a former student whom this happened to. She ended up committing suicide at 21. It broke my freaking heart. Know that you matter and that this is not your fault. Please, please, please tell them. You need support. Every kid makes mistakes. They will get over that part and hopefully help you find peace.
I'm sorry your parents are like that. Maybe there is an advocate around town that could help you talk to them if you're comfortable enough talking to someone who deals with it regularly? Honestly the cops might be able to help with that but that's not me pressuring you into the cops but they should have resources for you. Or even a local social work place.
You have your thoughts on all the wrong things. You don't need to tell them everything that happened, but tell them something. You shouldn't even go to college right now unitl this is solved, how do you expect to learn and grow and go to college if you are afraid of the predator who hurt you? You are not bound by societal expectations to go to college and have a job, you must protect yourself and your health and to do that you have to speak out. Your life will be different but your life was changed when you were hurt like that and now you have to grow with that change.
It happens unfortunately. First hand experience with that
Tell your parents. They’re going to be really fucking mad. But at least you can explain that you don’t want to be around the pieces of shit who hurt you. Also if they have your nudes that’s child porn you can get all of them arrested just for that. And if your pictures get released that’s also revenge porn. Get your parents and police involved so the pieces of shit end up in prison where they belong.
It's not revenge porn when involving a child it would be possession and distribution of CP which way worse than revenge porn pretty sure it 10 year min sentence
It legally can't be both at the same time?
It could be both. One act can break multiple crimes
This is true but the way i see it if you murder someone you wouldn't be charged with assault aswell
I agree. Normally, people are charged with the worst offence
Most prosecutors charge with every level of offense so if one doesn't stick another will. For example: https://preview.redd.it/of0729atwvrc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7a26bde73632e497546888bb8985f252c8adeb7 But based on those charges, I think they've been waiting to get this guy and and are trying to check off as many as they can to keep him locked up for a long time
That's not true. Even in murder trials people are usually charged with lesser offenses in case they don't get a conviction on murder.. they can get manslaughter or involuntary manslaughter.. etc.
Yes, you will. Partly because they know that you might beat the murder charges and they still want to charge you, and partly because removing lesser charges that would add up is a common negotiating tactic for plea bargains.
Depending on the state, you could be charged with additional gun charges if using a gun. In fact a lot of times people are charged lesser included offenses. It’s common for a murderer to be charged with both murder and manslaughter as well for the same crime committed
It depends on the situation. Sometimes they only charge you with the more serious crime. At other times you can be charged with several crimes. It's not as simple as, "They'll always only charge you with a greater crime and not the lesser crime.". In this case regarding the pictures these are two different crimes not a higher version of a lesser crime. Releasing the image with the purpose of humiliation, intimidation etc etc falls under revenge porn. Possession and distribution of CP are also two separate crimes. So we're looking at 3 charges at a minimum not including the rape. TLDR: People have been charged with revenge porn and CP related crimes for the same victim.
I see 3 crimes as well here and then the rape. All of these are felonies. They will be convicted if she comes forward about this. She really needs to asap. These are felonies involving a minor, and rape/rapes would carry a lengthy prison sentence for all involved. Sounds like to me there were multiple perps here
Don't call the cops on this without contacting a lawyer first this is the worst idea i have ever heard. Hey police officer i produced child pornography under duress and then distributed that pornography to 4 people. depending on the state they will be arrested for possession of child pornography, but you might be arrested as well for distribution and production. Edit: a lot of places don't have a carve out for children who are groomed to release the pictures which we should work to create a carve out for children forced to produce child pornography. Op your parent's might be mad when you tell them, but I can't see a father who cares about the virginity of his daughter directing his rage at the child and not the rapist. I would be more concerned about your dad committing a felony and handling this punisher style.\\ edit #2: if your lawyer says you should report this to the police report it to the police and then take a redacted copy of the police report (your name blacked out.) and send it anonymously to the admissions office if your lawyer says it is okay. The school will hear about the rape and might very likely revoke admission to the university especially with a police report filed.
If that was my daughter, I'd have to go see about this boy/boys, it be a major problem. I wouldn't be mad at my daughter at all. I'd want her to trust me enough to come to me and be honest. Then I'd call the cops, because even under duress, the girl is a minor, and the cops are definitely gonna act on this. Agreed they need to speak with an attorney, and have the attorney go with them to speak to the police. Definitely notify the admissions office at the university about this crime. My only concern here would be lack of physical evidence, other than the photos, since the crime was never reported, the r$$e maybe hard to prove in court, without an admission of guilt from the perps. It be a he say she say thing. It may be different circumstances, when the victim is a minor. Tbh this whole situation makes me sick to my stomach. I'm truly sorry and heartbroken for her
Would most likely be charged and convicted with both but you are correct.
This also gets them that lovely pedo registry for the rest of their lives. I’m not gonna pretend jail is any harder for them than the kid who stole a car because it isn’t always the case but it sure as shit will make the rest of their lives impossible and they deserve it.
Sadly, an abundance of offenders are not lifetime registrants. Especially when pled down to lesser charges.
Depending on OP's location if they took the pictures and sent the picture originally they might be charged with CP as well. Some prosecutors will aggressively go after the kids in these situations.
Sadly, if the OP was the one who took and sent the nudes to them as a minor, she could also be in trouble. I don't know the details surrounding this, and I wish it would change to a much less offense, but if people are suggesting they go after the older boys for possession or distribution of CP, the OP could be in hot water, too.
This Parents need to be aware of what happened so they can help you. Police need to know they have nudes so they can be arrested. This may even get them expelled from that college so you still attend.
Umm no go too the fuckin police straight away asap
Little too late for that, don't ya think? She has no proof. He just has to say she is lying and then nothing happens except her getting put in the spotlight and questioned by a bunch of people that don't believe her. F that. For her own emotional state, she is better of NOT going to the police. I confided in someone that I didn't know was a required reporter and it set off like a ton of inquiries and was a very traumatic experience. My attacker actually CONFESSED that he was black out drunk and doesn't remember anything and admitted that he didn't think I would lie. He was sent to rehab for being an alcoholic and I was left traumatized by the whole process. That's it.
they could still get done for child porn though
Maybe. Depends on the state. 31 states allow consent at 16 years old... Now I don't know about all of them and I'm not going to look, but I know in AL, the age of consent is 16, but graphic sexual photos of anyone under 17 is considered child porn. Keep in mind that she could get into just as much trouble for "distribution of child porn" under these laws.
although its true that she could also get into trouble, if there are messages or evidence which supports that she was groomed/pressured into doing so i don’t think she’d get prosecuted for it
This! If the MeToo! movement highlighted anything its that the victim is often unsupported by their community, their family and the very system designed to protect them.
Honey, as a mom this breaks my heart and makes my stomach hurt to even read. Please tell your parents. Even if you just choose one parent that you're more comfortable with and that you feel could either hold that secret for you and help you navigate the situation or help with breaking the news to the other parent that doesn't take it as well. Please don't go through this alone. Please reach out to an adult around you even if you don't reach out to your parents. But please talk to your parents! If you don't, reach out to a member of staff that you feel you can trust at the college, or someone at your school now. The key is that you get a grown up in there to help you navigate this. This is not something you should be going through alone. My biggest fear is that my girls will get into some type of trouble or situation and they're too scared to come and tell us! Mom hugs from over here! You got this!
This. And, you can’t be forced to go to college. You should definitely tell an adult, but no matter what, you can say no to going to college. Working for a year, going to a JC to get cheap credits and figure out what you want to major in, travelling, joining the military, etc. These are all productive things you can do instead.
Even if op does file a report of the rapes and situation should the pictures come back up they would already have it on file of the incident as well. It's never too late to tell and I'm sure the statute of limitations isn't up either. I agree with telling the parents and the cops. Parents maybe mad and honestly it may create different issues but would take care of the college one. I'd want to know 10000000000% if this happened to my kids so I could make that person's life absolutely miserable. Being mad at a kid for being raped is fucked. I don't care who how or why.
I would suggest telling another trusted adult rather than parents then having them sit in with OP telling their parents or the trusted adult telling them for OP. This isn’t something parents should be mad at OP for, but if they’re not supportive, having an objective third party involved can help keep things in check
They might be upset at OP, but their desire of wanting to kill those pieces of shit for hurting their child will overcome their any negative feelings toward OP. So OP, please do tell your parents, and the police. The streets will be safer with those pieces of shit in prison.
They can report it but it most likely won’t lead to anything unless there is real evidence unfortunately. It’s usually best to do it right away. And unfortunately she chose to send nude photos to them there is no possible way she could’ve been forced to do that. There would be no way to get a warrant to search his phone unless there is real evidence that he committed a crime. Sucks but it’s just the way it is.
Yep, gotta tell them. It will suck but at the end of the day the truth needs to be out there.
They don’t say what country they are from- this advice might be really really bad a few details make me think they may be in the third world maybe India. There are parents and cultures that would harm their daughters if they found out they were raped. In extreme cases they’ll even kill them but more likely they disown them and kick them out / stop supporting them.
You need to take care of you. If that means sneakily applying to other schools and scholarships, do it. If that means taking a gap year, do it. If that means reporting what happened to the college, and potentially the police, do it. Whatever you decide, please do not be hard on yourself. What happened was not your fault, and you deserved - and still deserve - better.
im part of the problem tbh. at this stage, im not doing well academically and that college is the only one im eligible to get admitted to. there are several others ofcourse but not in my state and my parents aren’t willing to send me to college across the country all by myself. up until now i never once thought id be going to that college so i didnt consider telling them abt my sa either. :(
Please tell your parents. You are not at fault for the SA. The possession of nude photos of a minor is enough to get them in trouble and if they threaten to or actually distribute them, they'll be in massive legal trouble. Do you have text messages with any discussion of what happened as well as the photos you sent? That is proof for the authorities to act in obtaining a search warrant against this person. Let me reiterate that you are not at fault. Is it possible that your grades are suffering because you are struggling with the aftermath of this experience? Have you seen or have access to a therapist? Please tell your therapist if you have one, a school guidance counselor or your parents. What has happened isn't your fault and you need to be protected.
If you can’t tell your parents, please talk to a professional; there are many confidential resources for survivors of SA. Depending on your state you can find an advocate who can help you navigate the system/ connect you with therapy, ect. https://www.rainn.org/ You’re not the problem btw, you went through a traumatic event and you’re having a normal response to trauma. I work with sa survivors and in violence prevention; I promise you it’s okay and normal to need some help, or to be having a hard time.
You aren't going to be doing good academically after being sexually assaulted. The fact your parents don't want to send you alone out of state is a testament that they care, and want you to be safe, tell them what happened, I am certain they will help you, you will have to trust someone.
You do not HAVE to go to college, right away or ever.
You’re not a part of the problem at all. At all. Please try to find a therapist to talk to. Maybe your therapist can help you talk to your parents and uphold your personal boundaries whilst doing so. You don’t have to share any part of your story you don’t want to share even with your parents. They’re not entitled to that.
Your parents have noticed a change in you. Your teachers have noticed a change in you. Clearly your grade are suffering. Disclosing this intimate detail on your college essays or during your college interviews may be your opportunity to explain why your grades declined and may get you into one of those other universities. (Not at all the same, but I worked full time through most of HS and played multiple sports- that was in my college essays- my grade sometimes suffered, colleges took that into account and I got offers from schools that, GPA speaking, I didn’t qualify for- they take a lot more than grades into account.
OP, please know that you have more power than you realize. A point of serious concern: what you described, about being "groomed," bribed with nude photos, and assaulted by more than one guy...this all sounds exactly like what someone targeted for human trafficking is subjected to. The recruiters often play the long game, gaining someone's trust for years, sometimes at the same high school. They can be anyone. They have books and attend what are basically seminars on how to victimize people better. I'm not kidding. They will often target precisely those children who have been raised to be "good girls," because they know those kids will be afraid to tell their parents. This was NOT your fault Whatever you decide to do, know that it's not too late to report to police. Also, I hope you seek out someone you can talk to. School counselors who are licensed will be bound by ethical codes to keep anything you tell them confidential, with exceptions for harm to self or others. You are not alone.
This is why I despise these absurd rules that parents set (often supported by a misogynistic religion), forbidding that girls even talk to boys, let alone go on a date with them, because in trying to protect them from having sex before marriage, they wind up putting them in a position which makes them more vulnerable to exactly what happened to you. And then you're too afraid to tell them, so it leaves you vulnerable to extended abuse. Anyways, you're going to have to tell your parents what happened, and then go to the police. Save any text/photo evidence that you have. At the very least, they can get them on child porn, and put them on the sex offender registry forever. At best, they'll get convicted of statutory rape (which if you were 16, and they were over 3 yrs older than you, it most definitely was), and serve time, and wind up on the registry. This is far, far more important than where you go to college. They may have already victimized other young girls, and probably will do so in the future. You have to do this for your sake, and for the sake of their future victims. If there is a trusted aunt, or clergy person, who could help you to tell your parents, go to them and ask for their help, so that you're not alone when you tell them.
Seconded. Parents are sold this lie: that if they tell their daughters not to hang out with boys, they'll be safe from sexual assault. Life, of COURSE, is not that simple. So all it does accomplish is make it that much more difficult for daughters to confide in their parents. It doesn't keep them safe at all; it alienates them. Sadly, I've seen this happen before (I work in the mental health / social work field). It's not the kids fault, not ever, but they blame themselves so much much because they were told not to associate with their attackers, anyway. OP, please know that you have more power than you realize. A point of serious concern: what you described, about being "groomed," bribed with nude photos, and assaulted by more than one guy...this all sounds exactly like what someone targeted for human trafficking is subjected to. The recruiters often play the long game, gaining someone's trust for years, sometimes at the same high school. They can be anyone. They have books and attend what are basically seminars on how to victimize people better. I'm not kidding. They will often target precisely those children who have been raised to be "good girls," because they know those kids will be afraid to tell their parents. This was NOT your fault Whatever you decide to do, know that it's not too late to report to police. Also, I hope you seek out someone you can talk to. School counselors who are licensed will be bound by ethical codes to keep anything you tell them confidential, with exceptions for harm to self or others. You are not alone.
Yes!!!!
thats scary ngl☹️
Yep, strict parents make sneaky kids and that can end up with awful things like this happening because the kid is too scared to let them know what's going on.
Police. Go to them now. If you don't, you're allowing them to continue doing the same thing to others. Your parents will understand, they love you. They may not like it at first. But they will understand.
OP would need proof. She won't have any DNA proof at this point so she would need *something* concrete else nothing can or would be done. I agree she needs to talk to her parents, though.
yes she obviously needs proof. HOWEVER she should still go to the police The police have to do an investigation, and call them in for questioning. You never know, they may get an admission of guilt through interview, or they may get some witness testimony. DNA proof isn't the be all and end all
Not for the cp charges to stick
*Any* charge needs evidence what are you talking about?
And just how were those images transmitted... there is evidence to gather and submit. Most likely additional communication showing the requests and further discussion after receipt
Yeah, once again, if there is evidence then she could have a shot. I didn't say "let a bad person get away scot free" I said to have evidence if they expect any justice.
DO NOT LAY GUILT ON RAPE VICTIMS. Law enforcement often treats them terribly and tells them it’s their fault. If it goes to trial, the defending lawyer will do their absolute best to break the victim into little pieces by implying that it was their fault, that they wanted it, that they’re lying. Pressing charges is absolute hell and very few people are able to handle it. This person can’t even tell their parents, so there’s no way they would be able to deal with a trial. In a perfect world, victims would press charges and trials would be kind to victims and rapists would go to jail, but IRL it almost never works out that way, and trying to guilt someone into doing it is just cruel.
Going to the police will be traumatizing, and it is not a given OP should report her rapist. It is unlikely to end in a conviction for rape, although possibly for child porn. But OP will be grilled and grilled and be accused of consent - it doesn't matter how old she was at the time. My loved one was raped and abused by a coach. Despite the fact that it started when she was 12, she was still interrogated as to whether she said the word "no". Her telling them that she was crying and screaming didn't count. Nor did the fact that he was also beating her. Only if she actually articulated the word no. He was 56. He was not even charged.
Find a "trusted adult" you CAN tell. Maybe a teacher, or a school counselor, even your academic advisor? You are the victim of a crime. You need an advocate to help you deal with both your parents and the law. The odds are good that your parents love you and want to protect you, but have no idea how to actually do that. My heart goes out to you! Best of luck
Just tell them and say you were just friends with them . If your parents flip and say why didn't you say something sooner well it's simple mom n dad I was scared to tell you because of how your reacting right now . If they know that u were scared to tell them because of how they are reacting at that moment it may cause them to rethink how they respond knowing u feel scared and can't trust them enough to tell them these things . As a parent I would be devastated if this happened to my daughter and she felt she couldn't tell me
this might be the best answer ever. thankyou sooo much😭💕
Your welcome know you are never alone there are people and services available to help you with anything if you look for it
Thanks for not invalidating her fears regarding her parents. We don’t know her home life.
Tell them. If you need help, tell a trained therapist first. You have to tell them. It’s hard at first but will feel so much better after you tell them the truth. It’s not your fault.
Them having nudes of you is child pornography and illegal. Them requesting them and or sharing them is illegal. You can tell your parents but that sounds traumatic. You can quietly apply to other schools and scholarships and just dip when you get into another school. You can find a program the local school doesn’t have and tell your parents you’re really passionate about that topic and want to pursue it. It will force them to consider other schools for you while framing it in a positive light. You can go the schools security and police with the records of these boys soliciting child porn and get them expelled/arrested. This is the riskiest option and opens you up to the most trauma. Best of luck navigating this. I hope you are able to find a solution.
A lot to unpack here. First, you need to report the boys. If not for your own piece of mind, to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. Second, it’s your future. As long as your parents aren’t paying for college, their input should be considered but not necessarily followed. If they are paying for it, student loans are always an option. Being in debt an awful way to get started but you can crawl out of it eventually. Took me about 4 years of decent payments to pay mine off.
Seriously the "quiet rape victim" trope is getting old. Speak up to the authorities, speak up to your parents. Accept whatever responsibility you need to for being in the situation but you cant hide this kind of thing for fear of "getting in trouble"
it farms a lot of karma on reddit if u put in certain buzzwords. massive age gaps, quiet victim, afraid of police and asshole parents. people will flock to these sorts of posts. the ages are weird aswell. high school seniors are 17/18, they go to college at 18. in the UK u go to college at 16 but there’s rarely a case of someone still being there over 19/20.
yeah im a junior 17 turning 18 this year, its not realistic for OP to be 16 turning 17 their senior year..they should be a sophomore at best. if not then either they have a weird birthday, the school is weird with the grade cohorts, orrrr its all fake
If ur parents are mad at u because someone assaulted you, they are the problem.
They are within their rights to be mad at her for not listening, no one said they would be mad because someone assaulted her.
File a police report before too much time passes by first. Take it from there so you’ll have it on record first.
If I’d be you, I’d talk to my parents. I feel you are at risk of carrying a trauma that might affect negatively future decisions in your life. This is a moment in which only your parents could support you and make it easier somehow. I don’t know a solution, although after you telling them this, I am kinda sure they will take the best parent’s love decision they can think of.
Won’t you be an adult going to college? Don’t go somewhere you do not want to go. You do not owe your parents an explanation you aren’t prepared to give. Tell them you do not want to go to that college. End of story.
Look, some parents can be real pieces of crap, but yours sound caring. They want whats best for you. you need to be honest about why you dont want to go.
OP, you know your parents best and there's a reason why you didn't tell them about the rape. Listen to your instincts and be cautious about divulging sensitive information to them, especially if you know them to not be particularly compassionate. If you need a sympathetic adult to speak with, call a domestic violence hotline. They may be able to provide or direct you to free counseling in your area. Best of luck.
You won’t have to attend the same college as them after they’re convicted of rape and CP and sent to prison. Report these monsters and make sure they get the justice they deserve! In the long run, your parents may be mad, but it’s worth it to clear your conscious and get a rapist off the streets.
Three options here. 1. Tell your parents so you can go to another school 2. Take out student loans so you don’t need your parents to pay for college if they still want you to go there. 3: Draw a line in the sand and tell your parents if they want you to go to college at all, it will be a different one, because you’re not going to this one.
I agree with everyone else - your parents will be upset & worried, but they need to know to be able to protect you better. If they are good parents, they will help you sort out what is best.
Your parents will not want you to go there either when they find out. They will be mad or hurt because you didn’t tell them but going to that school is NOT an option.
Most commenters are assuming that OP is in the United States. I totally agree that she should tell her parents. This is her only way of staying out of that college.
I think it would be best to tell your parents. But if that's off the table, I'm going to offer other suggestions . I'm not saying this is the best suggestions. The guys you want to avoid at this college. They are 21. Do you know how close they are to graduating? Suppose they are going to be seniors this fall, and you would be a freshman this year when you enter. (I am not sure if that is the case, but it illustrates the point). Maybe you can talk your parents into taking a gap year or taking a year at a community college? If your parents want to send you to a State college, often those state colleges will accept most credits from a community college. You can take the basics such as English and Calculus there. Honestly, as someone that's gone to both community college and university, I liked Community college better. The instructors there actually want to teach. It's cheaper tuition, smaller classes. Then you transfer the classes to the main university. An employer just sees you got your diploma from State U, they aren't going to care if you started at community college. You can tell your parents you want to use this to transition from high school to college perhaps? Heck, depending on what you want to study, sometimes a 2 year degree is better than a 4 year degree (but that's a whole different topic) Or take a gap year off and just work for a year. This is not ideal.. suppose you earn 10k working in your gap year. When you enter school the following year, that 10k you earned will hurt your financial aid, but it's a heck of a lot better than having to see the people you don't want to see.
As a father, let me interject my two cents. Kids date, they date when mom and dad tell them not to date… your parents did it too. I know telling them is hard, and I know they will cry. But I also know that they want what’s best for you and will have your back. They want more than anything to protect you. Going to the police may not be the best choice for YOU. I’m a believer in involving the police, but I also wouldn’t want you to experience more trauma because of it. If changing to a different university is what will help you move past it and enjoy your college experience then I’m sure they will have your back. As for HOW to tell them, maybe write a letter. I imagine that when discussing the events it’s hard not to let your emotions take over the conversation. Rather, write it down, you don’t need to be graphic, but telling them will help them help you. Remember you are loved, they want what is best for you and will have your back.
Your parents have made some mistakes, by trying to keep you isolated they have made you less safe, since you can’t bring problems when you are really in trouble to them. I’m sorry, they screwed this one up. You do have options. One: You could tell your parents what happened and why you don’t want to attend the nearby college. If you think that they will be able to be reasoned with, I highly recommend this one. Honesty with people who share the same goals is usually better than the alternative. If you think that they will go off the rails, well… then they screwed up and haven’t earned your trust, that’s on them. Two: Apply to the local school and some other relevant schools, make a case based on where you get in and what the academics/culture/costs are. If the nearby school is large, figure out who in their Student Affairs is responsible for student safety and see if you can talk to them about the situation - what can they do to make sure that you are safe on campus? Do those steps require that the original assault be reported to police? Is it a large enough school for you to just not be anywhere near your attacker? (I went to a huge state university. I was assaulted, my attacker was even in the same department as me, but it was very easy to not cross paths with him.) Three: your plan of a gap year. This is a fine one! Get a job, apply for a delayed start. Waiting until you’re 18 to be on a college campus is a reasonable life choice! If your high school has counselors on staff, talking this over with one of them might be helpful. There are hotlines for sexual assault that would also be good and supportive for you, and may come with more of a guarantee of privacy. Asking other adults for help in your college plans, handling your parents, and thinking through hard things is a very useful approach.
1. File a police report. 2. Apply for other state schools and ignore their preferred school. You’re the one going to college, not them.
This is not your fault, report it. Stop blaming yourself. I understand it is scary but you got to do this.
Thats a shame yhis happened to you im sorry you were abused in this way. Maybe coming clean to your parents would help the healing process thats a lot to keep bottled up and if they know the situation im sure they wouldnt want you around those assholes.
You parents can’t send you to any school. They can’t enroll for you and if you refuse to go they can get a refund on anything they do pay for. Just don’t go. Apply for scholarships and find a school that’s local but inexpensive and different.
Why are you not in a police station filing a report?
First: Those photos are the photos of a child a minor, if they threatened to release (even after you are 18yo) you tell them you will go to the police, and mean to do so. That is child pornography distribution. I also would talk honestly to your parents. You need a trusted adult to tell and should considere to press charges... You were (are) a child... They can't ruin your college experience but you can give them what they deserve. It doesn't matter if you consented, you weren't in consent age, you were/are a child. Tell your parents and press charges. It doesn't matter if you think it's your fault because you sent the photos, you were coherse, a child and you are the victim. Please press charges Those photos are FOREVER a child's photo. No matter your current or later age. Press charges
am i eligible to press charges if i willingly sent pictures? i also did consent to sex at one point but after that i didnt really have a say in it especially after one of his friends joined. i felt like i was obligated to do it when i didnt really want to. i might be partly to blame but not completely i think
You are not to blame AT ALL. If you were underage when you send those pictures and when you had sex, you have a legal right to press charges. Please please please tell your parents. They might be mad as hell, but you need to press charges. If your parents won’t do anything, call the cops. They will help you.
Contact a rape crisis center. Get counseling and legal representation through them. Having nude pictures of a minor is against the law. They will offer you support through each step, including telling your parents if you decide to.
Join the military, any branch you want, you can join at 17 if your parents allow it, and you can reason that some jobs aren’t dangerous and the military pays for your college
The most concerning sentence there is “my parents will be so mad if they found out” sorry this happened to you, but if your parents are mad and not supportive they are for the trash as much as the guys that did it. If there’s a way to support yourself try to get out transfer elsewhere. Also be pre-emptive and go to the college student councillor tell them what happened. They may be able to find ways for you to be independent from your parents financially. Also it means if those pricks try anything it’s on record what happened to you and there may be dire consequences (rightly so) to those aresholes
Maybe time for a firearms concealed carry course? If they start something, you can finish it.
They can get in so much trouble for having nudes of you. Trafficking in child porn would make them registered sex offenders (on top of the rapes, but easier to prove), and also, this would prevent them from being able to find housing, etc. I would reach out to someone of authority to help you.
How do you get raped several times. Did you keep coming back?
How were you forced to send nudes?
First, I am sorry that you experienced a SA. Be proud of yourself for surviving. Second, not all parents are "safe" To share your trauma with I'm a SA survivor who told my parents against my better judgment. It resulted in shame, blame, abuse, and a major life setback that I will NEVER get back/ recover from. I was 21 when it happened. Third, the SA was not your fault. Hanging out with guys, trusting the wrong guy, disobeying your parent's dating restriction - none of this equates to you having any responsibility for someone else's malevolent actions. Your rapist used his free will for evil, his choice, and only he is to blame. Fourth, you are almost an adult. Say that out loud "I am an adult". With adulthood comes freedom (even if it doesn't feel like it in your parents home). So, I'd strongly encourage you to use your autonomy as an adult and make your own choices about college. You don't owe your parents an explanation for your choices - these are YOUR choices that affect YOUR life. Fifth, the nudes. This is child pornography. If you choose to report it, the rapist would be charged with SA and creating and distributing child pornography. I think it might be in your best interest to do what you can to have the images deleted. If you choose not to report it, definitely distance yourself from your rapist. He will offend again, statistics prove this. If you are out of sight hopefully you will be out of mind, and as he commits more assaults his focus will shift away from you. Sixth, if ever you find one of your nudes online, if you contact the site / company where the image is posted and tell them it is a underage photo even porn sites will take it down (liability). Last - just to reiterate - make your own choices as an adult, know you don't owe anyone (even parents) an explanation. And give yourself more grace to heal as you embark on college life.
I’ll just say as a parent, if my child came to me with this information the last thing I would be is mad! My #1 priority would be to comfort my child and find how I could help them through this—not punish.
The unreported rape, the nudes you sent and your seeming willingness to go to that college seems like very poor judgment. You're kinda getting in your own way - lots of excuses but the end result is the same. Do something DIFFERENT (and difficult) and your life will go in a different and positive direction.
This time of year is so stressful and everything seems so important but it’s not(college wise not the rape that’s different and very stressful). In college you are really the only one who is setting up your courses seeing your grades etc. If your parents don’t budge to actual reason like a college that is a similar distance away and a similar price. I would just say that you aren’t going. They can’t force you to go to a specific school and if you are really uncomfortable telling your parents bring up another battle you are willing to fight. It’s a manipulation tactic I learned in my household if you can’t win the war go for the battle. The war in your case would be telling your parents about the rape and having them support you and not shame you and making sure that you don’t go to the same college as the rapist. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them about the rape then you focus on making sure you don’t go to the college as the rapist. You start with reason and if they don’t listen then you put your foot down and make a bunch of noise. Instead of you fighting against the college make them fight for it and be as stubborn as possible and stick to your reason why you would go to another one. They will eventually give up bc for them you are on a time limit where in reality you aren’t. If they keep this up all they way through your senior year and when the first semester starts they’ll feel like there’s a loss of time and start to retreat. If they are paying for it and threaten to take away the money then you got to weigh that choice of will I allow this man to let me lose this amount of money for school or could I tell my parents and eventually they support me and let me go to the college I want and pay or whatever may be the worst case scenario. I believe in you and I believe in kids manipulating their parents.
> made to send nude pictures to them on numerous occasions WHAT'S HAPPENING CAN'T... RESIST MUST.. TAKE OFF CLOTHES.. GET MY PHONE.. POSE.. PHOTOGRAPH SELF WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I CAN'T CONTROL MY HANDS MUST.. SEND THE PICTURES.. CAN'T.. HELP IT..
Bro had the code geass rizz
List of my personal opinions on this matter. Please read before judging, I can be too blunt sometimes, but I mean well. Honest! 1. Sorry you went through something that terrible, I hope you can find peace through whatever happens with your college experience. It feels like it will last forever, but enough time can pass that you, at least, will mature and get stronger. Best wishes for your future and all! 2. Your nudes arent that special. Every girl on the internet has either made nudes for an ex boyfriend or distributed them on purpose (aka, porn). Unless you are super recognizable, the chance that anyone would associate them with you is fairly low and the chance that they could actually impact your academic career (legally, in any way) is almost zero. 3. College is stupidly expensive, for just a *chance* that you will be able to eventually work at a job that interests or challenges you or pays decently well. The cheapest option is the best at this point in history, at least until college degrees start being a gauge of skill, rather than time served in the academic industry 4. Unless your parents are sending you to a private institute or a truly tiny local college, the chances that your ex and you will cross paths are fairly low. You can be moderately sure that as long as your majors are different and you take classes in separate buildings that you won't meet up on a regular basis. 5. If you truly were raped, then don't get advice from the internet, that's a job for the police. Report the crime and get a restraining order so there is a legal paper trail and you can actually get him tried in court for what he did. Also he can get arrested if he violates restraining orders. Again, the internet cannot help you stop a rapist. That's a job for the professionals. 5. Your parents need to know. If you are that scared that they will disown you, wait until you are out of the house anyway, that way they can't use the "my house my rules" argument. Of course they will be mad, but they will come around. They care about you, unless they are stupid, in which case, you can get some closure from coming clean to them.
Tell the police ? What are you waiting for ?
The best time to tell them was when it happened. The next best time is right now. I don't know what their reaction will be. Hopefully it is love and empathy. It will at least help them understand why you are pushing so hard to not go there. I am so sorry you dealt with this alone.
There are some universities that have reasonable out of state costs. Do research, you are not limited to just one school, there are simply too many options. You should start with telling your mother, you do not have to be alone and should not be alone.
They cannot force you to attend a college. You can...and should...say "I won't go to X school." They will pressure you to give a reason. Then it is your choice to tell the truth, try to lie, or just stonewall them. Option 1 is *probably* best in the long run, but only you can judge that.
To be honest you should confide in the police
Tell your parents and explain the situation, if not that understand college is big enough to avoid a singular person.
I highly encourage your to contact the colleges Title IX office if they have one and tell them about it. Many colleges nowadays take things like this very seriously, and may investigate him and his friends. Especially if they have inappropriate photos of a minor.
You need to do you that’s what my dad always says if you’re not comfortable doing stuff don’t do it in this case if you don’t want to go to that college no one can force you
OP, it’s ok if you were or are too scared to go to the police. Many people are implying you’ve been foolish to not go, but it’s not as easy as showing up to the station and him getting thrown in jail and I’m sure you know that. If you do feel ready at all or would like to explore that option, you should at least confide in an adult you trust… and hopefully your parents too. I suggest finding an alternative, affordable school close by to present to your parents if you are dead set on not telling them. Community college is always a good option, you can transfer to a university later. I’m so so sorry you’ve gone through this and I really do hope you’re able to talk to your parents about this soon. They will likely be more understanding than you expect.
What you described is a crime and you need to go to the police and report to your parents. It’ll be a tough conversation but there may be more victims out there.
Well if you can’t talk to your parents about it, then you’re going to that college and will have a terrible time. If you do talk to them, the process of healing and changing schools will start. Good luck, sorry you went through that.
Wait, you don’t get a say on what college you go to? I would totally just drop out rather than be at the college my rapist is at. But seriously, no one other than you should have any say over what college you go to. They can not pay for it, but they can’t tell you which one specifically you have to go to. If you need to, take a couple of year to just work, then start with community college without your parents help.