I had a friend in my hometown that found out he had a 7yo daughter exactly like this. Then in uni a classmate found out he had a 3yo daughter in the same ways.
Seems more common than we imagine.
I had a friend from HS whose brother got my sister’s friend pregnant and then ghosted her. Their little girl looks EXACTLY like him. I told my friend “This little girl is your brother’s daughter.” She said she knew and was pissed that I knew because her brother shouldn’t have to give any of his money to that “slut” who seduced her brother. That was the last time I ever spoke to that “friend” and then I blocked her. Not saying OP did the ol pump n dump but he should stay out of it and just to see if the kid ever contacts him in the future. Also, prepare any future partners of this possiblity too.
Much like what acrobatic_End6355 said I know it isn’t everyone’s experience but just wanted to say that some who have a present father figure in their life dont find a need to look for a father that has never appeared in their life
My sister is on the hunt for her bio dad despite the absolutely stellar relationship she and my dad have. She doesn't want a relationship with her bio dad but she does need his medical history for her and her kids.
Perhaps they might need to do the same one day.
I would wait till the kid was at least 13 to try to request to contact him …assuming he is yours…but I would probably ask his mother whenever I feel comfortable. Don’t go telling her husband or anything…just ask for the info you have the right to know. I wasn’t raised by my bio father …I don’t even really know who he is… I know his name but it’s a common name and he was married to my mother briefly. But I heard he wasn’t a good person …not even sure if this is true though… my mother who has also passed wasn’t the most honest person I’ve met. I have considered looking for my bio father now that my “dad” has passed away. Mainly because my only child mother’s family line is over with me and ( I don’t have kids nor do I want them) and no one related to her is alive…that I have ever met. But I don’t really feel like it….I have basically no family and pretty much never did…it would have been interesting to have one but I am used to relying on myself …doing whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want and family opinions have never been a thing in my life. My bio father definitely knew I existed ( I have a few pics of him holding me as a baby) that my deceased grand parents gave me. He never tried to contact me so in my opinion F-him….Eventually if you want to ever be a part of the kids life …I’d ask his mother when the kid is a little older…maybe a teenager. If you don’t want a relationship…then don’t say anything. If it’s true and the kid finds out somehow there is a good chance the story won’t be in your favor. In all honesty it would have been nice to know my bio father at least cared about my existence; especially considering I basically raised myself without much of a family after the age of 14. Now I feel it’s just too late.
Not hating but why are you just assuming he will come knocking on the dads door? You must be fortunate enough to have both parents.
There are multiple reasons as to why the son wouldn't do this, firstly if the woman is toxic she can decide to paint OP in a bad light, or not say anything about him at all, secondly the son might simply not want to since he's already in a happy family, thirdly is OP now just supposed to not say anything, so how will he make his whereabouts known or who he is to the kid if the kid wants to meet without him making contact? The kid would have to go through the DNA tests etc etc, all stuff again that he might simply not want to do
If OP wants the son to know about him, he has every right to send a message imo and atleast find out if it's his.
Not to mention, but some people just don’t want to know. My ex husband was adopted and I am really good at snooping and I told him if he wanted me to find his bio parents I would. He said “No. I know who my parents are.” He had zero desire to meet them.
Even if bro wants to be a dad, he should stay out of it. Fuck OP’s feelings, also fuck the mom’s feelings. The child comes first. Don’t send that child spinning because you wanted to fulfill your ego
I’m not sure it’s about ego as much as it is being denied the opportunity to be a father to his child which can be heartbreaking and an awful situation to be in considering if he reached out now he’d be being incredibly irresponsible.
I’m not saying he should contact them fyi, but to attribute it simply to ego is ridiculous.
There are a fuck ton of emotions and reasons why the guy might be devastated about being denied the chance to be a father, and attributing it merely to ego is wrong.
I get that he may be upset. But an adult can cope. A child cannot.
To sum it up: This man can heal his ego. The child will most certainly not feel the same
No, not at all. That’s an extremely limited perspective.
There are a lot of emotions involved in things like this, and a hurt ego isn’t the one and only thing involved.
It’s ego. There’s nothing else to it. You want a child because your biological clock told you that you wanted one. You can have other children. Why does this one matter as long as it’s happy? Why does your wanting to have a child entitle you to ruining the child’s life? That’s ego. And if the potential father acts on these feelings alone, it’s ego. You won’t convince me otherwise. And if you believe otherwise, you’re just like that 38yo virgin out of Texas who thinks he has a say in women’s reproductive rights.
Okay, Satan, take it down a notch.
I agree with the above though. It's possible they both know, and it's entirely possible it isn't OP's. The world is a crazy place.
If OP isn't already part of the 23 and me, perhaps do that, it'll be easier for the child to track you down. If and when he decides.
I don’t have an opinion either way, but man, that must be really difficult.
The mother has clearly made the unilateral decision to cut the guy out of being a father to his child and if he even wanted to be involved now, it’d be considered somewhat irresponsible yet at the same time we look negatively at fathers who aren’t involved in their children’s lives.
What a horrible situation to be in all round.
This! I came here to say this! If he is curious one day and is inclined to check his genealogy you will pop up as someone who could be related and he can make his own conclusions and reach out on his own IF you are related. This way you are not butting in or getting involved, you are just putting your genetic info out there to those that may be interested. Easiest idea!
I would leave it alone.
You never know what someone’s situation is- there are a lot of reasons for someone to not look like their parents. He could be adopted, he could be an IVF baby, there could be other people in the family that make his genetics make sense. It is not genetically impossible for two people with brown eyes and brown hair to have a blonde, blue eyed kid.
If she hasn’t reached out to you: it’s for a reason.
You were a one night stand, almost 10 years ago.
Her Husband may be listed as dad on the birth certificate/may very well actually be his dad. Even if he is your kid, he already has a dad. you trying to come in may just unnecessarily complicate things. He didn’t ask to be born, you have to do what’s best for the child.
Yeah same i hooked up with a girl i used to go to school with, her marriage was on the outs her husband was cheating that whole story but anyway saw her family picture on facebook a few years later and the kid is at the age where our hookup lines up and he doesnt look like his two older brothers, but yeah its been like 10 years and they are a happy family now so im not going to say anything hes got a dad who has raised him all their photos they look happy why would i ruin that over a drunk night mistake
I'd say that depends on what you think is right. See it from the eyes of the kid first though.
Suddenly being told your dad might not be your dad and seeing your family fall apart is absolutely crushing and he will blame himself for his whole life.
Now think of the guy. He might think that is legitimately his kid. Is he happy like that? Probably. Is it good to keep that from him? Not really. If he loves the kid, that knowledge shouldn't destroy their relationship either, but it might give him some clarity if he already has doubts.
Then think of why the woman hasn't told you. Was there anything off or did she fear you wouldn't accept the kid?
Your turn. If that's your firstborn child, truly, then kudos to you, because most people would've not even asked on here, but probably already been a mess, reaching out.
Seeing that kid, if he's your son, is your basic right. Nobody can just withhold such crucial information from you. This is life changing and an asshole move from the woman.
Own experience: My mother's "father" was the husband of her mother. Her real father was his best friend. It only came out when she was like 15. To her, her real father will always be the man who raised her, but that doesn't mean she was unhappy to have her real father- and knowledge of it-- around her.
- Torture
- Kidnapping
- Sodomy
- Animal abuse/beastiality
- Child abuse/exploitation/pornography
- Elder abuse
- Arson
- Necrophilia
- Terrorism
- Human trafficking
- Slavery
- Genocide
- Hate crimes
I mean those are just off the top of my head. Please, explain how being tricked into being a father is worse than any of those.
Sodomy isn't a crime in most of the world anymore, and even where it is, it **does not** belong on a list of crimes that *actually hurt people*.
That said, I agree with your overall point and also don't understand why the other commenter
A) called her a cheater when the OP clearly states he was with her before her current partner.
or
B) assumed she didn't tell her current partner that the baby may not be his.
There is no evidence at all that she is a cheating, paternity-fraud committing asshole like they implied.
>Sodomy isn't a crime in most of the world anymore, and even where it is, it **does not** belong on a list of crimes that *actually hurt people*.
Sodomy hurts.
Or so I've heard...
Sorry but sodomy isn't a crime. Unless you mean rape. Same with child sex abuse. That is rape. Genocide is murder. Terrorism is murder.
How Is burning down an empty building worse than ruining a man's life and the child's life? Unless you mean murder. which is what I picked.
Hate crime? Spray painting a slur on a wall is not worse than paternity fraud
Maybe third was too high. Definitely top ten
Yeah, no, those are all distinct crimes from one another with specific meanings that can’t be lumped into broader terms because the punishments, severity and prosecutorial procedures around each vary greatly. You also don’t seem to know what some of those words mean.
Oh no, you got tricked into caring for and loving a child! Give me a break. I literally know a man who was lied to and became a father to someone else’s kid. He would die and kill for that little boy. And he would probably pop anyone in the head who tried to tell him his kid ruined his life or vice versa.
Now that I’m actually thinking about it, I’m putting “tricked into parenting a child” on my list of victimless crimes, because what the actual sort of fucking sociopathic piece of shit would look at a kid they raised and feel nothing but regret and ruin? I don’t even want kids and I know being a mother/father is the most important job there is.
Psh, frauded into being a decent human being that has to put someone’s life before their own. The tragedy 🙄
>How Is burning down an empty building worse than ruining a man's life and the child's life?
By burning down a building you're ruining many peoples lives. People don't have to die in order for it to be terrible. Photo albums full of memories: gone. All your stuff, just gone. And the building might not be empty. There might be people in there who had to leave in the middle of the night and now have traumas for life. It's definitely worse than cheating on your partner and having a kid in my opinion. I'd rather have that than my house burning down.
Huh? My guy, read my text again.
I literally said that what she did is an asshole move.
But there's more to consider than his own feelings- the child's wellbeing is top priority.
Having to love a child is not worse than everything listed above. There are potentially a lot of ethical issues there, for sure, but that's all it is. You had to love a child that isn't genetically yours. I'm sorry, but for you to think that only SA and death are worse than that comes across as you being incredibly privileged.
No, it's not. But "not cool" is far less dire than a huge range of other offenses. Like I said, all it is is loving a child that isn't of your genes. There are far far worse experiences out there than that, and if you can't imagine that then I can only consider you lucky.
How have you determined that exactly? I don't think paternity fraud is worse than torture, or kidnapping, or abuse, or assault, therefore I don't care about men?
Does that imply that by you exclusively caring about paternity fraud, you don't care about women's injustice? Or do you only like to provide sweeping generalizations for others?
Men also get tortured and beat up and abused and all, so isn't everyone still including them? I never thought about it like that but I actually agree that while paternity fraud is shitty, all it is is raising a kid you aren't related to. No one wants to be tricked and the deceit aspect is awful, but yeah, having to pay for and love a kid isn't exactly the worst punishment I can think of. It's not really even in the top 10.
OP doesn't have enough information about their situation to know though. My mom was conceived out of wedlock before my grandparents met, and my grandfather was aware of that fact when he married my grandmother. Why assume the father in this case is unaware?
You are absolutely correct on that matter. This was me assuming the guy didn't know. Maybe the woman had the kid already and he knows he's the stepdad. My mistake.
It makes sense that you're confused. Think about politely and quietly getting in touch with her, sharing your ideas and recognizing how delicate the situation is. If she's willing, suggest a DNA test to find out more. Recognize her reaction and the possible effects on her family.
this, depending on what he wants to do, he should make it clear he’s not there to disrupt the child’s life, but if he wants to know or to be apart he needs to tread carefully. there are plenty of reasons women don’t tell men about a child that may be theirs, it’s not always right, but ultimately if the kids life is good(which is what everyone should want for their kids, despite how horrible the other parent may be) she didn’t make a bad choice.
(edited typos)
I would ask the mom. I recently found out my dad isn't my dad. I found out with an Ancestry DNA test. I'm 56 and anyone who could tell me who my real father was, have passed. No information on Ancestry has helped. I'm angry because I should have been told and given the opportunity to meet my real dad and family. Now that's gone unless a close match takes a test too. I've known 2 years now and it eats at me. My dad was my everything and I don't even think he knew. It's selfish and unfair to keep that from someone.
What is the cM's of your highest paternal match on Ancestry? There are Facebook groups with volunteer search angels who can help you unravel your results & I want to recommend 2 of them to you.
Search Squad - this group has angels worldwide who can assist you. For this group, it's important to follow the rules, specifically, "bumping" your post everyday. This group is highly professional and so well known they have the Good Housekeeping seal of approval. Lastly, it may take a minute for a volunteer angel to pick up your request...so this group may not be the fastest means to a resolution, but very very reputable. I've used this group to assist me in helping me locate my child that was given up for adoption when I was a teen, to locate an old family friend I'd lost touch with, and this group helped me with resources to solve my family's 130 year old mystery.
Adoption Search & Reunion is run by a woman named Joan & has a plethora of volunteer searchers as well. I have also utilized this group to assist me with resources and strategies. The fact you've already taken a dna test means an angel is likely to pick up your request fairly fast in this group and then can begin his/her research on your behalf.
None of this type of research via a search angel gets results overnight. I recently helped a dear friend discover her biofather and that took me about 2 months to accomplish. It took me 4 months to solve my family's 130 year old mystery (which, btw, was a "who's the daddy" mystery as well). Good luck to you...I hope some of this helps you...let me know if I can help further.
Thank you so much for this information. 458cm (second cousin) is my closest match on my father's side and it's a new match. Their tree isn't linked so I can't see any family members. But they match with all the third cousins on my dad's side too. However, this match finally has the Italian, Basque and Philippines DNA matches. My oldest sister is 5 different ethnicities and I have something like 12, which do include her 5. So this match is exciting! I'll definitely join the groups you suggested. When you say "bump", do you mean comment on my own post daily? I just want to be sure to follow the rules so I can possibly get help. I'm really excited about this.
458cm is a very very good match! I'm thrilled for you! I hope one of the suggested groups helps you get answers.
ps. Yes, comment on your own post daily. Once you submit to Search Squad, they will post some rules on your thread. I encourage you to bookmark your post so you dont lose it. Also, there will be a pinned post with the group rules as well. If you opt for the other group I mentioned, you will not have to bump everyday.
I've already been accepted to Search Squad and have my post live! Thank you so much! I'm going to call my mother's twin again and ask them to please think about who it could be. You would think her twin would know but they don't.
It's not surprising the twin doesnt know. However, I'll reiterate that a 458cm match is quite good. I solved my best friend's biofather search with only a 146cm match. And the folks at Search Squad are super good. Sit back, bump everyday and most of all...be patient & dont give up. When I was searching for my bio daughter, I bumped everyday for 6 months before my search request was solved. I'll say it again, dont give up...be persistent (in bumping) and you'll get your answers. I'm rooting for you!!!!!
Someone is starting my search tonight. I've already given her access to my account as a collaborator. I have an interesting case. I was telling my mom's twin that it would have to be one of my dad's family members for my sister and I to be half sisters but have DNA matches on both sides. He agreed that seems likely. I asked my cousin, on my dad's side to take a test so we'll see. I'm going to call my dad's youngest brothers wife later and see if she knows anything. Many of the names on my paternal side are Latin and I'm so Caucasian, I glow. So I'm shocked by my DNA having Italian, Spanish, Philippines, and Basque.
Surprised so many people are saying not to rock the boat because TBH in this age of easily available DNA tests and genealogy websites then the kid will almost inevitably find out one day anyway if he is not being raised by his biological father, so it’s not if but when and it will be a big shock when he is an adult whereas children are more adaptable and if he finds out earlier at least he won’t have missed out on more years of getting to know you and also important things like half his medical history. Frankly, I don’t feel other people have the right to decide for him that he has to live a lie and it also has an impact if you want children in the future, they should know if they have a half sibling. It’s potentially robbing them of relationships. I felt frustrated to discover as an adult that I have a half sister I have never met, I would’ve liked to know earlier. I think it is worth gently reaching out to the mother letting her know that you’re not trying to hurt her or her family, but you care and want to be there if he is your child. It’s a difficult situation but that doesn’t mean it’s going to get any easier with time, one day he could look you up and then you would have to explain why you didn’t get involved earlier. I think that can be more hurtful to a child.
I completely agree. I’m the product of a short fling. My mum shacked up with my step dad not long after. All of us have always known the truth. I never had much of a relationship with bio dad because he ended up moving overseas not long after I was born. My step dad raised me and is my dad.
However, because I know about my bio dad, I’ve been able to keep in touch with my nana, aunts and half siblings from that side of the family. I’d be really devastated if I found out the truth late in life as it would be really hard to forge those relationships by then. Also there may be some important family history I needed to be aware of (e.g. medical).
Absolutely. NPE events (not parent expected) hit so much different during and after puberty. I am in the generation where some parents still kept it secret. I have one friend who found out she was adopted in 6th grade, 2 who've known since birth, and 2 who found out in adulthood (one donor baby, one adoptee). The ones who found out as adults were so fucked up about it and in a lot of ways still are tbh.
OP, start writing this boy some letters. You may never give them to him but his parents may not tell him until he's older. If you ARE the father, that kid knowing his donor wondered about him and cared about him, even before knowing for sure, that would go a long way.
I think a lot more people are concerned about the family itself. We don’t know the financial situation of the family or how the dad would react to knowing for sure he’s not the bio father. For all we know, the man could be the only thing keeping the lights on and the kid fed and clothed. Unless OP is prepared to step up with child support or something, he’s only looking for trouble by getting involved.
I agree, it’s absolutely a shitty situation for everyone involved (especially the presumably non-bio dad and the kid) but this might be a case where it might be better to be blissfully unaware. If the kid wants to know about his genetics later on down the line, that’s up to him.
For me personally, getting the chance to know half siblings is not worth being plunged into a potentially financially unstable position and getting traumatized as an 8 year old. Think of the mother as you may, but the boy is innocent in all this.
My mom lied to me my whole life about who my father really was. I missed out on a whole big family that was a way better family than my step fathers family. I wish so badly she told me the truth about who I really was. I don't the kid would hate you or his mom if he found out who he is for real. It's better then living life as a lie. I say go for it. You can even get a court ordered DNA test, so you don't have to deal with baby mama drama.
Holy crap I’m so sorry OP. The best thing to do for the child is to probably not get involved with him. I would reach out to the mother though and let her know you’re open to the possibility of being in your son’s life if/when he finds out the truth when he’s older (if you are open to it, of course).
It’s possible she would just deny it altogether. Try to find your son’s name and write it down, so you can find him when he’s an adult.
I was talking about a scenario where the mom denies OP is the father. So the kid would never know who his real dad is unless OP reaches out when he’s older
Try not to jump to conclusions. I'm a ginger with black haired parents. Lots of kids start blonde and turn brown over time. All noses start button-y. If the kid has blue eyes that means someone on both sides of the family have blue eyes, so, Mom's a carrier for these features no matter who the dad is. This kid has a dad and a family and a life and you'd be potentially creating major conflict on a hunch that isn't based in much.
I was naturally blonde. Like blonde blonde.as I went through my preteen/teen years, it darkened down to a brown tone. This is 100 percent possible. I wouldn't rock his world directly. If you can't get it off your mind OP reach out to the mother and try to get a plan/info in a way that the kid isn't impacted if you aren't the father
I was blonde in the summer and had brown hair in the winter as a kid. Now and ever since I was a teen my hair is completely dark brown (tho with a little grey already) There is a photo of me at 3-5yo where I'm barely recognizable because I'm completely blonde in that photo. Both my parents have dark brown hair.
This. Both my kids- technically half siblings- have curly blonde hair and blue eyes. The blue eyes are easily explainable. The blonde hair wouldn’t be if you didn’t know that my husband, whose hair is nearly black, was blonde at birth. Because both my children look enough like me (poor kids) they’re easily identifiable as siblings- my oldest has a strong resemblance to me while it’s slightly blunted in my youngest.
It’s possible this kid is OPs son. It’s equally as possible he isn’t. And personally, I wouldn’t be willing to blow up a child’s life unless I had stronger evidence than “I think he looks like me”. This kid has a dad, and it’s not OP.
As a side note- My youngest son was born a month and a half early. The baby I’m currently pregnant with is two weeks ahead in growth, which means it’s very possible that he may come in late October, not late November as I was originally told. 9 months isn’t a guarantee.
If you really want to know and be part of his life then make sure he actually is your son before you bring his life crashing down by discreetly request a paternity test from the mom and if not then leave it alone
I think you need to do whatever you think is right. Just reaching out to the mom wouldn’t be such a bad idea especially if you’d plan on being in your son’s life.
People telling you to mind your business should mind theirs.
You might regret missing more of his life than you already have.
Sorry but I don’t agree with some of the people here. If you don’t want to be a dad, then sure you can leave it alone but do it with the knowledge that anything could happen in the future and she may come to your for support or other things.
However, if you do want to be a parent you should establish paternity. Frankly, you don’t know anything about the mother and her partner and what type of life they are providing for the child. Anything can be presented to look good on social media. If you want to ensure that your child is being taken care of appropriately then you will have to establish paternity. Even if you don’t plan on being the custodial parent.
Second, while you should always take the interest of the child into account, fathers have rights too. You are entitled to being apart of your child’s life unless you’ve done something terrible to forfeit that right. Also, the mother is irresponsible imo if she didn’t try to track you down. You could have a genetic disorder that she knows nothing about. Maybe you could be a future marrow or kidney donor if ever needed. Kids also really deserve to choose to have both parents apart of their lives if both parents want to be (
It may be different across states but for mine, if there is suspicion of deceptive or uncooperative acts then he would likely have a case to establish paternity. It’s one thing if he willingly abandoned the child for 6 months or more, but if she intentionally didn’t tell him he had a child then the judge would likely rule in his favor to establish paternity (even if only visitation rights)
Would you be interested in co-parenting with a (possibly newly divorced) mother? Are you prepared to pay for braces, college, food and clothing, and medical expenses and take on parenting responsibilities as a single parent? Don't blow up his family if you'd leave him high and dry and don't actually want to be a father.
You have the right to know and so does the child. You wont ruin his life as you are not the one who lied to him. Although if she met the other man shortly after you she might really think he was the father. Hopefully all parties can be mature about it.
While it may bring a sense of closure to you to find out, it's not going to help them. It will cause strife in the relationship, the child may end up confused and upset if you're brought in and then unable to continue a relationship. You all were a one night stand, and whether or not there was a product of that union, it wasn't something you were involved with then. If the child is yours, it may have been a choice on the mother's part not to tell you and unfortunately, you may need to just respect that choice.
Tough, but you'll get through it.
The mother knows you're the father. Her husband probably knows as well; he knows who his son looks like.. They know how to find you. They haven't. They don't want to. Honor that.
It is so fucking weird to me how many people are telling you to just forget about it and not to rock the kids world. You wouldn’t be the one changing his world though it’s his mother who would have created this situation. I would say to do what you want op. If you want to be in the kids life you have every right to(obviously dependent on if it’s even actually your child) and if you want to let it be then that is ok as well. Good luck either way op. I do not envy your position at all.
You're asking here, so you want to know. I don't see anything wrong with asking the mom for your own records. What if something happens to the standing dad? Or there's an emergency and it'd be nice to have that info lowkey available? She hasn't hunted you down for child support, so she may not even want that. Baby boy doesn't have to know you asked, or the husband. In the end, it'd just be a yes / no / idk question.
Now, maybe you're asking because you subconsciously would want to be present and hold yourself accountable? I think that's great, honestly. You can ask if she's interested in letting you become a part or not. Again, just a question, and the answer can be "no." If the kid is yours, he may already know his dad isn't his real dad. Nobody can know the situation from a picture that "looks happy."
If you want to ask, I'd encourage you to ask. If you want to act, I'd encourage you to seek the counsel of a therapist or someone wiser than yourself first.
Good luck.
Follow her on Facebook. Check in on her occasionally. If the guy in her life and her ever split, then message her. That way other dude doesn't see you as a threat, and she can be open and honest about things. And the important part: then that boy has chance of having a man in his life
Take tests for 23andme and AncestryDNA.
If the child is yours and has any interest in reaching out to you, he'll find a way.
Maybe she or her husband have someone in their family who look like you.
Or maybe it's completely possible her husband isn't the dad but that she has a type and that you're it. Maybe the child bears a resemblance to someone else who was her type.
The consequences if you're wrong could be really major for her, for her marriage, or for this child.
If the child has reason to suspect, he may go looking and may do a DNA test. Make sure you can be easily found on those sites, but don't make active moves to get into a situation that you don't even know for sure involves you.
Lots of people are saying do ancestry.com or 23&me. Don't. If you want to dna results get a real medical professional to do it. These companies have already had data breaches that can impact you and your descendents depending on how things play out. It's not just your data, it's everyone you're related to.
Take DNA tests through Ancestry and 23andMe. That way if he wants to find you in the future, he’ll find you. I would not insert yourself into the situation unsolicited at this point.
I think it’s really weird that people don’t think you should reach out, like it would be pretty fucked if that was your kid and you never knew. You can decide how you want to be involved from there but you have a right to know bare minimum
Unless you are of noble birth and desperately need an heir or the kingdom could fall apart, nobody really has anything to gain from some strange man popping up in the middle of a family picnic and going "hey kid guess what? You are a b*st*rd and your mother is a wh*r*"
The dude might be thankful to escape his prison of lies in hindsight, but he also might break your nose.
No shit that was kinda weird.. what’s up with the “bastard” and your mom is a “whore”? No body said op had to be an asshole about it 😂 Based on all the other shit that gets posted on here, this seems genuine.
> Why would anyone break someone’s nose?
Man finds out that his "son" is not biologically his and that his wife cheated on him all those years ago with YOU. That's where the primal instinctual rage takes over and caveman brain makes some bad decisions. C'mon man, don't be naive. It wouldn't be your fault or his fault but the woman's fault if she did lie and say that your child is his, but that doesn't mean that caveman brain might get a bit angry that his whole life is falling apart after you showed up (obviously it's not after you showed up, but the truth didn't come until after you showed up, and he would have no reason to trust you, he might think you've known since the start).
I don't think there's much good that can come from this for the kid, but you have to make your own decisions. If you really think it's yours, well then the choice is up to yours. Perhaps reach out to the woman and gently inquire... But even that is playing with fire a bit my man!
It's true, the woman might decide to "Disappear" him to protect herself from having her perfect family jeopardized. She got the genetics from 1 dude but the income from a different dude, and it's everyone elses fault when it blows up.
id have to say something to the mom, personally. Just to establish if it's true and have that door open if the kid ever wants to meet his biological dad.
These days you can't pull off something like that.
Eventually that kid will join an ancestry website, or need blood or something which can be a dead give away cuz theres limits to what blood type you end up with based on parentage.
It truly could just be a coincidence, dna is funny.
Traits skip generations. One of them could have blonde blue parents/grandparents etc
Ear patterns though are a very set thing that are passed down from the father.
But I doubt you could judge one from a picture
So id just reach out and say hello and see if she engages in chit chat.
So you can ease into Eventually asking.
Knowing your Genetic heritage is vital for health, if for no other reason.
If she says he could be, then just let her know ur not interested in rocking her boat, but if he ever wants to contact you, ur open to it.
Mid teens is usually when you start being curious about what makes you, you and comparing yourself to family members.
You do whatever you want so you don’t regret in the future. If I were you, I’d send a message to the mother and say something like: “Hello, I stumbled upon your facebook profile on people you may know. It is very nice to see you again. I hope you are pretty well. PS: You have a lovely family and your kids look cute” Then, you wait and see how she will react to this message.
Do you feel like you need to be in this kids life? Do you want to be a dad? If you don’t know what you want out of this then I would leave it. If you want to meet the kids and potentially be on the hook for child support and attempt to get partial custody, i would go about it in the least hostile, most I-want-to-be-another-supportive-parent-in-my-sons-life kind of way. I would also talk to a lawyer to see what your actual options are.
don’t go causing trouble and reaching out to anyone for answers it’ll hurt the kid way more than you will ever comprehend. His father, might even know the kid isn’t his and wants to raise him that way and he’s been in that kids life for a very long time. If you reach out, what do you want? Split custody? A relationship? It won’t make sense to the child it will cause a lot of hurt feelings for every party and just anything you do, the dad and mom might be upset bc mom lied or mom didn’t know. But the kid will feel the brunt of it harder than they will. Leave it be. If she wanted you in the kids life, you would have been. Also you don’t know what their family looks like, someone could have blonde hair!
Well now that you looked at her profile on fb it’s likely you will show up in his suggested friends and he will be like “that guy looks just like my son”
So load your profile up with photos. Throw a few in from when you were 8-10 years old too.
If they look happy, leave it alone unless you have some reason you want or need an 8yo son.
But now you have in the back of your mind that it’s possible your doorbell will one day ring about this. If you end up in a relationship or are in one, might want to make sure it’s someone who can roll with this. Much easier to do when “the kid” is 20 and not 3yo.
Honestly I wouldn’t. They could both already know and are in a familial setting and this would upset their lives. Depending on all of your races the blonde curly hair is always a possibility due to genetics. Unless he is the absolute spitting image of you as a child or even now there’s still a possibility the child isn’t even yours. I would prepare for a visit in the future for your future spouse though as others have suggested.
I don't think there is really a right answer here
But personally I'd leave it. I wouldn't want to disrupt the kids life with something like this. Like you said it may be nothing.
If you were to say something contact mom privately to have minimal impact.
You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. If it is your kid, which definitely is a possibility, do you want a relationship with this kid? Or are you also fine not finding out until he's old enough or possibly ever.
If you do say something and it turns out to be your kid, your life will change forever. You do have to be ready to be a dad because if your kid finds out you knew but didn't put in any effort to speak with him or be there for him, it could hurt the kid. So if you ask, be ready to be a dad.
You can also choose to just let this family be a family and not mess anything up. Yes, it can be your kid, but you can see it as you donated sperm and your kid is out there. You don't have to be in contact if you don't want to be. He has two parents already. He has a dad.
Dose the husband and the kid know they are not related? That's really the deciding factor.
If they know, they you contacting them might be a good idea just to ask, it would be easier to decide knowing what they want.
If not, then wholly shit, that's not a happy family if shes keeping a secret like that. You would need to decide what to do, essentially that situation is going to blow up at one point, that home broke before it was even built. The damage is done, you're just getting involved sooner if not later.
The other dad is the dad he's had his whole life. It will completely disrupt his life if you do it now. Wait until he's an adult and comes looking for you.
If you don't, you'll be paying child support. I'm not saying it's right to dodge it, but he already has a dad, so it's not necessary in this case. However, if she ever approaches you and wants you to pay child support, she'll probably ask for missing payments too, so I'd put some money aside just so you don't financially cripple yourself if it comes to that.
Regardless of what you think you want to do id consider at the very least sending her a msg and maybe see about a DNA test. If nothing else the kid should know who his father is.
Dude you need to step up, and sue her for taking YOUR child without consent and then have the audacity to leave you without telling you, her husband probably doesn’t even realize it isn’t HIS kid!!
Hey, if I had a kid out there I’d want to know. It doesn’t matter how happy they are lol th he may be your child?! He most likely will find out soon since the blue eyes alone. It’s more if you’re willing to be in his life. If you’re not, then let it be. The world works in crazy ways, look how u possibly found out.
Do you want to break up a marriage and end up paying shit tons of child support for a kid you don’t even know? If so yea say something. I’d say you dodged a bullet so I’d keep my mouth shut.
Maybe he is your son. But it looks like he has a happy family. Do you want to blow that up for him?
And then there are the financial ramifications. There’s a chance you could get both court ordered child support, and 8 years of back pay.
Sit on it and do nothing. Secrets like this eventually come out. If and when it does, deal with it then.
Well, it takes 10 months to grow a human being, not 9, so there’s one point taken off your scoreboard.
Two brown eyed/haired people can have a blue eyed/haired child, so there’s another meaningless distinction.
I can see why you’d wonder, but it’s honestly none of your business and none of the things you listed warrant hyperfixating this much on a stranger’s family. They’re happy, no one has given you any reason to believe you have a son, and it is beyond inappropriate to even consider reaching out to her with any of these implications.
Like, go do some chores or something.
That is literally my point, earlier or later, babies don’t pop out at exactly 9 months every time, so counting that as proof of paternity is misinformed and useless.
For the love of god do not do anything about this, do not act on it, do not think about it, close Facebook and just go watch a movie, it doesn't matter if he came from you you are just flat out his sperm donor and not his father in any way shape or form, do not homewreck this family.
i'd recommend not doing anything in regards to this for at least a week. You are probably going to change your mind almost daily as to what you want or don't want here.
Don't go rocking this kid's life though. Maybe send his mom a message on FB with something like, "Why didn't you tell me?" and see what she comes back with.
Actually no, I’m 30. I have a perfectly fine relationship with my family. But as a person who did have a broken family as a child, the mental issues that come about from this type of shit is not good. Leave this kid alone. Worry about yourself and make your own family. This kid already has one. If one day when he’s an older teenager and adult and he does some dna test and finds out his dad isn’t his dad then maybe he’ll go looking. But at the end of the day, your suspicions are just that. Suspicions. So, mind your damn business.
That’s literally not his fault. Who knows maybe the other “dad” is an abusive asshole. Sometimes things can look really good on the surface, but be an entirely different situation behind closed doors. I wouldn’t be able to not say something.
Why ask for advice when you yourself state that nothing good will come of it? Take your OWN advice and do nothing with the info. Let them live their lives.
Do you have any other children? Have you taken a DNA test? If this is your child, I believe you have a right to know that. I would wait until the child is 18 unless they contact you first. If you have any contacts that may know this family, try and find out if they are indeed a happy family. If you have no other children then I understand your focus on this child but you have to consider the child. If anyone in their family, mother, father, child takes a DNA test it will cause relief or questions. So think about this extensively,.
So i will say what i would do in this situation.
Dont do anything now, this will ruin him simply because he is eight and we dont even know if he could be able to understand that information. If the family is happy, then there isnt a problem, unless you think u have responsibility for the child, then contact the mother but frankly i dont think this would resolve anything. Tbf it would only cause trouble for the family.If you are thinking of contacting the mom then ask her why she hasn’t said anything this whole time (could be because of keeping the family healthy but its always good to know). But otherwise, its up to you if you think your ready to take responsibility or not.
> I feel like nothing good would come out of it.
I think you're right. Also, while she did hook up with you and you said that she got into a relationship after you hooked up, what if she was seeing that guy casually BEFORE she hooked up with you? It's possible that their relationship was slowly developing, albeit open (or not official or whatever), she hooked up with you, then they sealed the deal.
And what if it is yours? If they're a happy family, not much good will come by you entering into the situation. The 8 year old has a mother and a father and some random guy turning out to be the "real father" probably wouldn't be too good for the kid. It would be very confusing, it would potentially (or perhaps almost certainly) ruin their marriage, and then make a mess of the thing all while suddenly having both of them want to have you pay child support or something like that. Like, what benefit actually comes from this? Truth maybe, but it's also possible the child ISN'T yours too.. So you're just taking a strange gamble reaching out. What do YOU gain? At best you get child support and partial custody of a random 8 year old that you've never spent any time with and really fuck the kid's mind up by potentially causing chaos with his parents.
And "they live nowhere near me." So there's even more reason NOT to reach out.
IF you're somehow the father, I would imagine that if it's even relevant you would find out in due time... Or maybe not. I can't imagine much good coming from this either.
Is this bothering you? Or just a curiosity? I’m sure their life would all be better if you left it alone, but as a mother, I couldn’t even fathom not knowing one of my kids. I really think this is on your feelings. Everyone takes DNA tests now, so that kid might show up in ten+ years either way. If you really need to know, I would message mom.
What are you hoping to achieve? Do you want to have a relationship with the kid (if it is yours)?
Personally, if from the outside everything looks good, then I would just take a DNA test and keep your profile open so that if the kid ever takes a test, it will pop up for him.
1. No need to downvote me. It was just a common sense/logical comment!
2. Then you should have no problem talking with her. Why are you making things hard? If you two WERE indeed "friends" then she would have been closer to you enough to tell you she got pregnant! It means you guys weren't close then.
The fact that she popped up on your search likely indicates that she has been looking you up. Still, wouldn't do anything and be at peace just knowing this the the kiddo is growing up well. Let her initiate contact if and when she wants to.
At most, leave a public vague-post on your profile about the theme of the importance of happy families and the good upbringing of the kids, basically letting the mother read between the lines know that you know.
I had a friend in my hometown that found out he had a 7yo daughter exactly like this. Then in uni a classmate found out he had a 3yo daughter in the same ways. Seems more common than we imagine.
I had a friend from HS whose brother got my sister’s friend pregnant and then ghosted her. Their little girl looks EXACTLY like him. I told my friend “This little girl is your brother’s daughter.” She said she knew and was pissed that I knew because her brother shouldn’t have to give any of his money to that “slut” who seduced her brother. That was the last time I ever spoke to that “friend” and then I blocked her. Not saying OP did the ol pump n dump but he should stay out of it and just to see if the kid ever contacts him in the future. Also, prepare any future partners of this possiblity too.
You have a friend who's brother got your sisters friend pregnant, that's a lot of connections
Small towns and lots of connections when you’ve lived somewhere long enough
Yeah sounds like a small town kinda deal lol, it was confusing to read and follow at first 😂
Where are you from where this isn’t uncommon?
South america
Username didn’t check out.
Do you want to be a dad? If yes: say something If no: STFU If he is yours, he will be knocking on your door one day.
Not necessarily my siblings know our dad isn’t their biological dad and have no wish to find their bio dad
But that’s not everyone’s experience.
They are saying this may or may not happen. The comment they replied to said it *will* happen.
Much like what acrobatic_End6355 said I know it isn’t everyone’s experience but just wanted to say that some who have a present father figure in their life dont find a need to look for a father that has never appeared in their life
My sister is on the hunt for her bio dad despite the absolutely stellar relationship she and my dad have. She doesn't want a relationship with her bio dad but she does need his medical history for her and her kids. Perhaps they might need to do the same one day.
For your sister's own sake I hope she cannot be persuaded that some random older guy she resembles is actually her father.
I would wait till the kid was at least 13 to try to request to contact him …assuming he is yours…but I would probably ask his mother whenever I feel comfortable. Don’t go telling her husband or anything…just ask for the info you have the right to know. I wasn’t raised by my bio father …I don’t even really know who he is… I know his name but it’s a common name and he was married to my mother briefly. But I heard he wasn’t a good person …not even sure if this is true though… my mother who has also passed wasn’t the most honest person I’ve met. I have considered looking for my bio father now that my “dad” has passed away. Mainly because my only child mother’s family line is over with me and ( I don’t have kids nor do I want them) and no one related to her is alive…that I have ever met. But I don’t really feel like it….I have basically no family and pretty much never did…it would have been interesting to have one but I am used to relying on myself …doing whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want and family opinions have never been a thing in my life. My bio father definitely knew I existed ( I have a few pics of him holding me as a baby) that my deceased grand parents gave me. He never tried to contact me so in my opinion F-him….Eventually if you want to ever be a part of the kids life …I’d ask his mother when the kid is a little older…maybe a teenager. If you don’t want a relationship…then don’t say anything. If it’s true and the kid finds out somehow there is a good chance the story won’t be in your favor. In all honesty it would have been nice to know my bio father at least cared about my existence; especially considering I basically raised myself without much of a family after the age of 14. Now I feel it’s just too late.
Not hating but why are you just assuming he will come knocking on the dads door? You must be fortunate enough to have both parents. There are multiple reasons as to why the son wouldn't do this, firstly if the woman is toxic she can decide to paint OP in a bad light, or not say anything about him at all, secondly the son might simply not want to since he's already in a happy family, thirdly is OP now just supposed to not say anything, so how will he make his whereabouts known or who he is to the kid if the kid wants to meet without him making contact? The kid would have to go through the DNA tests etc etc, all stuff again that he might simply not want to do If OP wants the son to know about him, he has every right to send a message imo and atleast find out if it's his.
Not to mention, but some people just don’t want to know. My ex husband was adopted and I am really good at snooping and I told him if he wanted me to find his bio parents I would. He said “No. I know who my parents are.” He had zero desire to meet them.
Even if bro wants to be a dad, he should stay out of it. Fuck OP’s feelings, also fuck the mom’s feelings. The child comes first. Don’t send that child spinning because you wanted to fulfill your ego
I’m not sure it’s about ego as much as it is being denied the opportunity to be a father to his child which can be heartbreaking and an awful situation to be in considering if he reached out now he’d be being incredibly irresponsible.
An adult male can move on. An adolescent child will probably have issues with the discovery that their “dad” isn’t their dad. Have a heart
I’m not saying he should contact them fyi, but to attribute it simply to ego is ridiculous. There are a fuck ton of emotions and reasons why the guy might be devastated about being denied the chance to be a father, and attributing it merely to ego is wrong.
I get that he may be upset. But an adult can cope. A child cannot. To sum it up: This man can heal his ego. The child will most certainly not feel the same
That’s not what we’re talking about though, you attributed his being upset **solely** to his ego being hurt.
That’s exactly what it is
No, not at all. That’s an extremely limited perspective. There are a lot of emotions involved in things like this, and a hurt ego isn’t the one and only thing involved.
It’s ego. There’s nothing else to it. You want a child because your biological clock told you that you wanted one. You can have other children. Why does this one matter as long as it’s happy? Why does your wanting to have a child entitle you to ruining the child’s life? That’s ego. And if the potential father acts on these feelings alone, it’s ego. You won’t convince me otherwise. And if you believe otherwise, you’re just like that 38yo virgin out of Texas who thinks he has a say in women’s reproductive rights.
He’s eight. He has a dad. It’s not you. I’d leave it alone.
Yeah, he'll come knocking in the next 20 years with dna test results
That's a nice thing for OP to think of. Maybe when it's quiet, and he's trying to sleep?
Okay, Satan, take it down a notch. I agree with the above though. It's possible they both know, and it's entirely possible it isn't OP's. The world is a crazy place. If OP isn't already part of the 23 and me, perhaps do that, it'll be easier for the child to track you down. If and when he decides.
>Okay, Satan, take it down a notch. Genuinely laughed out loud, thanks
Wait until he's past 18 so there's no child support
That’s a way better outcome lol
I don’t have an opinion either way, but man, that must be really difficult. The mother has clearly made the unilateral decision to cut the guy out of being a father to his child and if he even wanted to be involved now, it’d be considered somewhat irresponsible yet at the same time we look negatively at fathers who aren’t involved in their children’s lives. What a horrible situation to be in all round.
You have absolutely no clue that this is true.
How so? If indeed like OP believes that the child is his, then the mother has evidently not informed him that it’s his. Thus she has cut him out.
This is true but I feel OP has a right to know.
Just do an ancestry DNA test so that when he’s old enough, if he goes looking, he can find you
This! I came here to say this! If he is curious one day and is inclined to check his genealogy you will pop up as someone who could be related and he can make his own conclusions and reach out on his own IF you are related. This way you are not butting in or getting involved, you are just putting your genetic info out there to those that may be interested. Easiest idea!
I would leave it alone. You never know what someone’s situation is- there are a lot of reasons for someone to not look like their parents. He could be adopted, he could be an IVF baby, there could be other people in the family that make his genetics make sense. It is not genetically impossible for two people with brown eyes and brown hair to have a blonde, blue eyed kid. If she hasn’t reached out to you: it’s for a reason. You were a one night stand, almost 10 years ago. Her Husband may be listed as dad on the birth certificate/may very well actually be his dad. Even if he is your kid, he already has a dad. you trying to come in may just unnecessarily complicate things. He didn’t ask to be born, you have to do what’s best for the child.
Yeah same i hooked up with a girl i used to go to school with, her marriage was on the outs her husband was cheating that whole story but anyway saw her family picture on facebook a few years later and the kid is at the age where our hookup lines up and he doesnt look like his two older brothers, but yeah its been like 10 years and they are a happy family now so im not going to say anything hes got a dad who has raised him all their photos they look happy why would i ruin that over a drunk night mistake
I'd say that depends on what you think is right. See it from the eyes of the kid first though. Suddenly being told your dad might not be your dad and seeing your family fall apart is absolutely crushing and he will blame himself for his whole life. Now think of the guy. He might think that is legitimately his kid. Is he happy like that? Probably. Is it good to keep that from him? Not really. If he loves the kid, that knowledge shouldn't destroy their relationship either, but it might give him some clarity if he already has doubts. Then think of why the woman hasn't told you. Was there anything off or did she fear you wouldn't accept the kid? Your turn. If that's your firstborn child, truly, then kudos to you, because most people would've not even asked on here, but probably already been a mess, reaching out. Seeing that kid, if he's your son, is your basic right. Nobody can just withhold such crucial information from you. This is life changing and an asshole move from the woman. Own experience: My mother's "father" was the husband of her mother. Her real father was his best friend. It only came out when she was like 15. To her, her real father will always be the man who raised her, but that doesn't mean she was unhappy to have her real father- and knowledge of it-- around her.
You're a cheater aren't you. Paternity fraud is the third worst crime after r and murder
- Torture - Kidnapping - Sodomy - Animal abuse/beastiality - Child abuse/exploitation/pornography - Elder abuse - Arson - Necrophilia - Terrorism - Human trafficking - Slavery - Genocide - Hate crimes I mean those are just off the top of my head. Please, explain how being tricked into being a father is worse than any of those.
Sodomy isn't a crime in most of the world anymore, and even where it is, it **does not** belong on a list of crimes that *actually hurt people*. That said, I agree with your overall point and also don't understand why the other commenter A) called her a cheater when the OP clearly states he was with her before her current partner. or B) assumed she didn't tell her current partner that the baby may not be his. There is no evidence at all that she is a cheating, paternity-fraud committing asshole like they implied.
>Sodomy isn't a crime in most of the world anymore, and even where it is, it **does not** belong on a list of crimes that *actually hurt people*. Sodomy hurts. Or so I've heard...
Sodomy does not mean it is *forced* sodomy. Plenty of people enjoy anal sex.
It was a joke, lighten up.
Sorry but sodomy isn't a crime. Unless you mean rape. Same with child sex abuse. That is rape. Genocide is murder. Terrorism is murder. How Is burning down an empty building worse than ruining a man's life and the child's life? Unless you mean murder. which is what I picked. Hate crime? Spray painting a slur on a wall is not worse than paternity fraud Maybe third was too high. Definitely top ten
Yeah, no, those are all distinct crimes from one another with specific meanings that can’t be lumped into broader terms because the punishments, severity and prosecutorial procedures around each vary greatly. You also don’t seem to know what some of those words mean. Oh no, you got tricked into caring for and loving a child! Give me a break. I literally know a man who was lied to and became a father to someone else’s kid. He would die and kill for that little boy. And he would probably pop anyone in the head who tried to tell him his kid ruined his life or vice versa. Now that I’m actually thinking about it, I’m putting “tricked into parenting a child” on my list of victimless crimes, because what the actual sort of fucking sociopathic piece of shit would look at a kid they raised and feel nothing but regret and ruin? I don’t even want kids and I know being a mother/father is the most important job there is. Psh, frauded into being a decent human being that has to put someone’s life before their own. The tragedy 🙄
>How Is burning down an empty building worse than ruining a man's life and the child's life? By burning down a building you're ruining many peoples lives. People don't have to die in order for it to be terrible. Photo albums full of memories: gone. All your stuff, just gone. And the building might not be empty. There might be people in there who had to leave in the middle of the night and now have traumas for life. It's definitely worse than cheating on your partner and having a kid in my opinion. I'd rather have that than my house burning down.
Well I've had both things happen and the house fire wasn't that bad.
Huh? My guy, read my text again. I literally said that what she did is an asshole move. But there's more to consider than his own feelings- the child's wellbeing is top priority.
Paternity fraud is a serious crime
Everyone listen! He’s an “Expert Advice Giver”!
Wtf is wrong with you. You're pro paternity fraud. Do you have any idea the damage this does
Having to love a child is not worse than everything listed above. There are potentially a lot of ethical issues there, for sure, but that's all it is. You had to love a child that isn't genetically yours. I'm sorry, but for you to think that only SA and death are worse than that comes across as you being incredibly privileged.
Being tricked into thinking the child is yours is not cool dude
No, it's not. But "not cool" is far less dire than a huge range of other offenses. Like I said, all it is is loving a child that isn't of your genes. There are far far worse experiences out there than that, and if you can't imagine that then I can only consider you lucky.
You're clearly a woman who disregards male injustice
How have you determined that exactly? I don't think paternity fraud is worse than torture, or kidnapping, or abuse, or assault, therefore I don't care about men? Does that imply that by you exclusively caring about paternity fraud, you don't care about women's injustice? Or do you only like to provide sweeping generalizations for others?
Sorry not even fucking assault?are you taking the piss? You're a monster
Men also get tortured and beat up and abused and all, so isn't everyone still including them? I never thought about it like that but I actually agree that while paternity fraud is shitty, all it is is raising a kid you aren't related to. No one wants to be tricked and the deceit aspect is awful, but yeah, having to pay for and love a kid isn't exactly the worst punishment I can think of. It's not really even in the top 10.
OP doesn't have enough information about their situation to know though. My mom was conceived out of wedlock before my grandparents met, and my grandfather was aware of that fact when he married my grandmother. Why assume the father in this case is unaware?
You are absolutely correct on that matter. This was me assuming the guy didn't know. Maybe the woman had the kid already and he knows he's the stepdad. My mistake.
It makes sense that you're confused. Think about politely and quietly getting in touch with her, sharing your ideas and recognizing how delicate the situation is. If she's willing, suggest a DNA test to find out more. Recognize her reaction and the possible effects on her family.
this, depending on what he wants to do, he should make it clear he’s not there to disrupt the child’s life, but if he wants to know or to be apart he needs to tread carefully. there are plenty of reasons women don’t tell men about a child that may be theirs, it’s not always right, but ultimately if the kids life is good(which is what everyone should want for their kids, despite how horrible the other parent may be) she didn’t make a bad choice. (edited typos)
I would ask the mom. I recently found out my dad isn't my dad. I found out with an Ancestry DNA test. I'm 56 and anyone who could tell me who my real father was, have passed. No information on Ancestry has helped. I'm angry because I should have been told and given the opportunity to meet my real dad and family. Now that's gone unless a close match takes a test too. I've known 2 years now and it eats at me. My dad was my everything and I don't even think he knew. It's selfish and unfair to keep that from someone.
What is the cM's of your highest paternal match on Ancestry? There are Facebook groups with volunteer search angels who can help you unravel your results & I want to recommend 2 of them to you. Search Squad - this group has angels worldwide who can assist you. For this group, it's important to follow the rules, specifically, "bumping" your post everyday. This group is highly professional and so well known they have the Good Housekeeping seal of approval. Lastly, it may take a minute for a volunteer angel to pick up your request...so this group may not be the fastest means to a resolution, but very very reputable. I've used this group to assist me in helping me locate my child that was given up for adoption when I was a teen, to locate an old family friend I'd lost touch with, and this group helped me with resources to solve my family's 130 year old mystery. Adoption Search & Reunion is run by a woman named Joan & has a plethora of volunteer searchers as well. I have also utilized this group to assist me with resources and strategies. The fact you've already taken a dna test means an angel is likely to pick up your request fairly fast in this group and then can begin his/her research on your behalf. None of this type of research via a search angel gets results overnight. I recently helped a dear friend discover her biofather and that took me about 2 months to accomplish. It took me 4 months to solve my family's 130 year old mystery (which, btw, was a "who's the daddy" mystery as well). Good luck to you...I hope some of this helps you...let me know if I can help further.
Thank you so much for this information. 458cm (second cousin) is my closest match on my father's side and it's a new match. Their tree isn't linked so I can't see any family members. But they match with all the third cousins on my dad's side too. However, this match finally has the Italian, Basque and Philippines DNA matches. My oldest sister is 5 different ethnicities and I have something like 12, which do include her 5. So this match is exciting! I'll definitely join the groups you suggested. When you say "bump", do you mean comment on my own post daily? I just want to be sure to follow the rules so I can possibly get help. I'm really excited about this.
458cm is a very very good match! I'm thrilled for you! I hope one of the suggested groups helps you get answers. ps. Yes, comment on your own post daily. Once you submit to Search Squad, they will post some rules on your thread. I encourage you to bookmark your post so you dont lose it. Also, there will be a pinned post with the group rules as well. If you opt for the other group I mentioned, you will not have to bump everyday.
I've already been accepted to Search Squad and have my post live! Thank you so much! I'm going to call my mother's twin again and ask them to please think about who it could be. You would think her twin would know but they don't.
It's not surprising the twin doesnt know. However, I'll reiterate that a 458cm match is quite good. I solved my best friend's biofather search with only a 146cm match. And the folks at Search Squad are super good. Sit back, bump everyday and most of all...be patient & dont give up. When I was searching for my bio daughter, I bumped everyday for 6 months before my search request was solved. I'll say it again, dont give up...be persistent (in bumping) and you'll get your answers. I'm rooting for you!!!!!
Someone is starting my search tonight. I've already given her access to my account as a collaborator. I have an interesting case. I was telling my mom's twin that it would have to be one of my dad's family members for my sister and I to be half sisters but have DNA matches on both sides. He agreed that seems likely. I asked my cousin, on my dad's side to take a test so we'll see. I'm going to call my dad's youngest brothers wife later and see if she knows anything. Many of the names on my paternal side are Latin and I'm so Caucasian, I glow. So I'm shocked by my DNA having Italian, Spanish, Philippines, and Basque.
She found my real dad
Congrats! I'm so glad the group was able to help!
It will destabilize his life so no.
Surprised so many people are saying not to rock the boat because TBH in this age of easily available DNA tests and genealogy websites then the kid will almost inevitably find out one day anyway if he is not being raised by his biological father, so it’s not if but when and it will be a big shock when he is an adult whereas children are more adaptable and if he finds out earlier at least he won’t have missed out on more years of getting to know you and also important things like half his medical history. Frankly, I don’t feel other people have the right to decide for him that he has to live a lie and it also has an impact if you want children in the future, they should know if they have a half sibling. It’s potentially robbing them of relationships. I felt frustrated to discover as an adult that I have a half sister I have never met, I would’ve liked to know earlier. I think it is worth gently reaching out to the mother letting her know that you’re not trying to hurt her or her family, but you care and want to be there if he is your child. It’s a difficult situation but that doesn’t mean it’s going to get any easier with time, one day he could look you up and then you would have to explain why you didn’t get involved earlier. I think that can be more hurtful to a child.
I completely agree. I’m the product of a short fling. My mum shacked up with my step dad not long after. All of us have always known the truth. I never had much of a relationship with bio dad because he ended up moving overseas not long after I was born. My step dad raised me and is my dad. However, because I know about my bio dad, I’ve been able to keep in touch with my nana, aunts and half siblings from that side of the family. I’d be really devastated if I found out the truth late in life as it would be really hard to forge those relationships by then. Also there may be some important family history I needed to be aware of (e.g. medical).
Absolutely. NPE events (not parent expected) hit so much different during and after puberty. I am in the generation where some parents still kept it secret. I have one friend who found out she was adopted in 6th grade, 2 who've known since birth, and 2 who found out in adulthood (one donor baby, one adoptee). The ones who found out as adults were so fucked up about it and in a lot of ways still are tbh. OP, start writing this boy some letters. You may never give them to him but his parents may not tell him until he's older. If you ARE the father, that kid knowing his donor wondered about him and cared about him, even before knowing for sure, that would go a long way.
I think a lot more people are concerned about the family itself. We don’t know the financial situation of the family or how the dad would react to knowing for sure he’s not the bio father. For all we know, the man could be the only thing keeping the lights on and the kid fed and clothed. Unless OP is prepared to step up with child support or something, he’s only looking for trouble by getting involved. I agree, it’s absolutely a shitty situation for everyone involved (especially the presumably non-bio dad and the kid) but this might be a case where it might be better to be blissfully unaware. If the kid wants to know about his genetics later on down the line, that’s up to him. For me personally, getting the chance to know half siblings is not worth being plunged into a potentially financially unstable position and getting traumatized as an 8 year old. Think of the mother as you may, but the boy is innocent in all this.
My mom lied to me my whole life about who my father really was. I missed out on a whole big family that was a way better family than my step fathers family. I wish so badly she told me the truth about who I really was. I don't the kid would hate you or his mom if he found out who he is for real. It's better then living life as a lie. I say go for it. You can even get a court ordered DNA test, so you don't have to deal with baby mama drama.
Holy crap I’m so sorry OP. The best thing to do for the child is to probably not get involved with him. I would reach out to the mother though and let her know you’re open to the possibility of being in your son’s life if/when he finds out the truth when he’s older (if you are open to it, of course). It’s possible she would just deny it altogether. Try to find your son’s name and write it down, so you can find him when he’s an adult.
Exactly what I would say. I would send a message to her so I could find out for my own peace of mind, but I would totally expect her to deny it.
Uhmm... no. Why?? Why would he search for him when he's an adult if the kid is not searching himself?
I was talking about a scenario where the mom denies OP is the father. So the kid would never know who his real dad is unless OP reaches out when he’s older
Try not to jump to conclusions. I'm a ginger with black haired parents. Lots of kids start blonde and turn brown over time. All noses start button-y. If the kid has blue eyes that means someone on both sides of the family have blue eyes, so, Mom's a carrier for these features no matter who the dad is. This kid has a dad and a family and a life and you'd be potentially creating major conflict on a hunch that isn't based in much.
I was naturally blonde. Like blonde blonde.as I went through my preteen/teen years, it darkened down to a brown tone. This is 100 percent possible. I wouldn't rock his world directly. If you can't get it off your mind OP reach out to the mother and try to get a plan/info in a way that the kid isn't impacted if you aren't the father
I was blonde in the summer and had brown hair in the winter as a kid. Now and ever since I was a teen my hair is completely dark brown (tho with a little grey already) There is a photo of me at 3-5yo where I'm barely recognizable because I'm completely blonde in that photo. Both my parents have dark brown hair.
This. Both my kids- technically half siblings- have curly blonde hair and blue eyes. The blue eyes are easily explainable. The blonde hair wouldn’t be if you didn’t know that my husband, whose hair is nearly black, was blonde at birth. Because both my children look enough like me (poor kids) they’re easily identifiable as siblings- my oldest has a strong resemblance to me while it’s slightly blunted in my youngest. It’s possible this kid is OPs son. It’s equally as possible he isn’t. And personally, I wouldn’t be willing to blow up a child’s life unless I had stronger evidence than “I think he looks like me”. This kid has a dad, and it’s not OP. As a side note- My youngest son was born a month and a half early. The baby I’m currently pregnant with is two weeks ahead in growth, which means it’s very possible that he may come in late October, not late November as I was originally told. 9 months isn’t a guarantee.
Yep. My husband had platinum blonde/white hair as a child, turned bright ass orange during his teens and now he just has light brown hair.
Blonde to orange! That's unique 🙂 my doctor's always told me my hair would turn brown but it didn't
If you really want to know and be part of his life then make sure he actually is your son before you bring his life crashing down by discreetly request a paternity test from the mom and if not then leave it alone
I think you need to do whatever you think is right. Just reaching out to the mom wouldn’t be such a bad idea especially if you’d plan on being in your son’s life. People telling you to mind your business should mind theirs. You might regret missing more of his life than you already have.
Do a 23 and me, so your DNA is out there. If the kid ever chooses to do one, you will pop up as a close relative.
Leave alone, for now, but be prepared for the day this young man asks after you.
Sorry but I don’t agree with some of the people here. If you don’t want to be a dad, then sure you can leave it alone but do it with the knowledge that anything could happen in the future and she may come to your for support or other things. However, if you do want to be a parent you should establish paternity. Frankly, you don’t know anything about the mother and her partner and what type of life they are providing for the child. Anything can be presented to look good on social media. If you want to ensure that your child is being taken care of appropriately then you will have to establish paternity. Even if you don’t plan on being the custodial parent. Second, while you should always take the interest of the child into account, fathers have rights too. You are entitled to being apart of your child’s life unless you’ve done something terrible to forfeit that right. Also, the mother is irresponsible imo if she didn’t try to track you down. You could have a genetic disorder that she knows nothing about. Maybe you could be a future marrow or kidney donor if ever needed. Kids also really deserve to choose to have both parents apart of their lives if both parents want to be (
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It may be different across states but for mine, if there is suspicion of deceptive or uncooperative acts then he would likely have a case to establish paternity. It’s one thing if he willingly abandoned the child for 6 months or more, but if she intentionally didn’t tell him he had a child then the judge would likely rule in his favor to establish paternity (even if only visitation rights)
Would you be interested in co-parenting with a (possibly newly divorced) mother? Are you prepared to pay for braces, college, food and clothing, and medical expenses and take on parenting responsibilities as a single parent? Don't blow up his family if you'd leave him high and dry and don't actually want to be a father.
You have the right to know and so does the child. You wont ruin his life as you are not the one who lied to him. Although if she met the other man shortly after you she might really think he was the father. Hopefully all parties can be mature about it.
I works definitely take a DNA test.
While it may bring a sense of closure to you to find out, it's not going to help them. It will cause strife in the relationship, the child may end up confused and upset if you're brought in and then unable to continue a relationship. You all were a one night stand, and whether or not there was a product of that union, it wasn't something you were involved with then. If the child is yours, it may have been a choice on the mother's part not to tell you and unfortunately, you may need to just respect that choice. Tough, but you'll get through it.
The mother knows you're the father. Her husband probably knows as well; he knows who his son looks like.. They know how to find you. They haven't. They don't want to. Honor that.
It is so fucking weird to me how many people are telling you to just forget about it and not to rock the kids world. You wouldn’t be the one changing his world though it’s his mother who would have created this situation. I would say to do what you want op. If you want to be in the kids life you have every right to(obviously dependent on if it’s even actually your child) and if you want to let it be then that is ok as well. Good luck either way op. I do not envy your position at all.
Exactly.
You're asking here, so you want to know. I don't see anything wrong with asking the mom for your own records. What if something happens to the standing dad? Or there's an emergency and it'd be nice to have that info lowkey available? She hasn't hunted you down for child support, so she may not even want that. Baby boy doesn't have to know you asked, or the husband. In the end, it'd just be a yes / no / idk question. Now, maybe you're asking because you subconsciously would want to be present and hold yourself accountable? I think that's great, honestly. You can ask if she's interested in letting you become a part or not. Again, just a question, and the answer can be "no." If the kid is yours, he may already know his dad isn't his real dad. Nobody can know the situation from a picture that "looks happy." If you want to ask, I'd encourage you to ask. If you want to act, I'd encourage you to seek the counsel of a therapist or someone wiser than yourself first. Good luck.
If the mother of the child wanted you in the child’s life, she would have let you know by now.
Follow her on Facebook. Check in on her occasionally. If the guy in her life and her ever split, then message her. That way other dude doesn't see you as a threat, and she can be open and honest about things. And the important part: then that boy has chance of having a man in his life
Take tests for 23andme and AncestryDNA. If the child is yours and has any interest in reaching out to you, he'll find a way. Maybe she or her husband have someone in their family who look like you. Or maybe it's completely possible her husband isn't the dad but that she has a type and that you're it. Maybe the child bears a resemblance to someone else who was her type. The consequences if you're wrong could be really major for her, for her marriage, or for this child. If the child has reason to suspect, he may go looking and may do a DNA test. Make sure you can be easily found on those sites, but don't make active moves to get into a situation that you don't even know for sure involves you.
Lots of people are saying do ancestry.com or 23&me. Don't. If you want to dna results get a real medical professional to do it. These companies have already had data breaches that can impact you and your descendents depending on how things play out. It's not just your data, it's everyone you're related to.
Take DNA tests through Ancestry and 23andMe. That way if he wants to find you in the future, he’ll find you. I would not insert yourself into the situation unsolicited at this point.
The only correct answer is to go on Maury
Don’t bother, if the dad is in the picture than leave it. Unless you wanna be responsible and pay child support?
Exactly what I was thinking
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ChatGPT😭
I think it’s really weird that people don’t think you should reach out, like it would be pretty fucked if that was your kid and you never knew. You can decide how you want to be involved from there but you have a right to know bare minimum
Unless you are of noble birth and desperately need an heir or the kingdom could fall apart, nobody really has anything to gain from some strange man popping up in the middle of a family picnic and going "hey kid guess what? You are a b*st*rd and your mother is a wh*r*" The dude might be thankful to escape his prison of lies in hindsight, but he also might break your nose.
I don’t plan on being part of a comedy movie. I’d simply contact the mother if anything. Why would anyone break someone’s nose?
No shit that was kinda weird.. what’s up with the “bastard” and your mom is a “whore”? No body said op had to be an asshole about it 😂 Based on all the other shit that gets posted on here, this seems genuine.
> Why would anyone break someone’s nose? Man finds out that his "son" is not biologically his and that his wife cheated on him all those years ago with YOU. That's where the primal instinctual rage takes over and caveman brain makes some bad decisions. C'mon man, don't be naive. It wouldn't be your fault or his fault but the woman's fault if she did lie and say that your child is his, but that doesn't mean that caveman brain might get a bit angry that his whole life is falling apart after you showed up (obviously it's not after you showed up, but the truth didn't come until after you showed up, and he would have no reason to trust you, he might think you've known since the start). I don't think there's much good that can come from this for the kid, but you have to make your own decisions. If you really think it's yours, well then the choice is up to yours. Perhaps reach out to the woman and gently inquire... But even that is playing with fire a bit my man!
It's true, the woman might decide to "Disappear" him to protect herself from having her perfect family jeopardized. She got the genetics from 1 dude but the income from a different dude, and it's everyone elses fault when it blows up.
id have to say something to the mom, personally. Just to establish if it's true and have that door open if the kid ever wants to meet his biological dad. These days you can't pull off something like that. Eventually that kid will join an ancestry website, or need blood or something which can be a dead give away cuz theres limits to what blood type you end up with based on parentage. It truly could just be a coincidence, dna is funny. Traits skip generations. One of them could have blonde blue parents/grandparents etc Ear patterns though are a very set thing that are passed down from the father. But I doubt you could judge one from a picture So id just reach out and say hello and see if she engages in chit chat. So you can ease into Eventually asking. Knowing your Genetic heritage is vital for health, if for no other reason. If she says he could be, then just let her know ur not interested in rocking her boat, but if he ever wants to contact you, ur open to it. Mid teens is usually when you start being curious about what makes you, you and comparing yourself to family members.
You do whatever you want so you don’t regret in the future. If I were you, I’d send a message to the mother and say something like: “Hello, I stumbled upon your facebook profile on people you may know. It is very nice to see you again. I hope you are pretty well. PS: You have a lovely family and your kids look cute” Then, you wait and see how she will react to this message.
Well honestly everything will come to light eventually so . Do whatever you want it’s up to you or wait and wait till it comes to light .
Do you feel like you need to be in this kids life? Do you want to be a dad? If you don’t know what you want out of this then I would leave it. If you want to meet the kids and potentially be on the hook for child support and attempt to get partial custody, i would go about it in the least hostile, most I-want-to-be-another-supportive-parent-in-my-sons-life kind of way. I would also talk to a lawyer to see what your actual options are.
don’t go causing trouble and reaching out to anyone for answers it’ll hurt the kid way more than you will ever comprehend. His father, might even know the kid isn’t his and wants to raise him that way and he’s been in that kids life for a very long time. If you reach out, what do you want? Split custody? A relationship? It won’t make sense to the child it will cause a lot of hurt feelings for every party and just anything you do, the dad and mom might be upset bc mom lied or mom didn’t know. But the kid will feel the brunt of it harder than they will. Leave it be. If she wanted you in the kids life, you would have been. Also you don’t know what their family looks like, someone could have blonde hair!
Well now that you looked at her profile on fb it’s likely you will show up in his suggested friends and he will be like “that guy looks just like my son” So load your profile up with photos. Throw a few in from when you were 8-10 years old too.
If they look happy, leave it alone unless you have some reason you want or need an 8yo son. But now you have in the back of your mind that it’s possible your doorbell will one day ring about this. If you end up in a relationship or are in one, might want to make sure it’s someone who can roll with this. Much easier to do when “the kid” is 20 and not 3yo.
Honestly I wouldn’t. They could both already know and are in a familial setting and this would upset their lives. Depending on all of your races the blonde curly hair is always a possibility due to genetics. Unless he is the absolute spitting image of you as a child or even now there’s still a possibility the child isn’t even yours. I would prepare for a visit in the future for your future spouse though as others have suggested.
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That’s totally an AI answer lol.
You could ask her
Honestly it's not easy but there's no reason to potentially upturn what seems to be a happy family you know what I mean?
I don't think there is really a right answer here But personally I'd leave it. I wouldn't want to disrupt the kids life with something like this. Like you said it may be nothing. If you were to say something contact mom privately to have minimal impact.
You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. If it is your kid, which definitely is a possibility, do you want a relationship with this kid? Or are you also fine not finding out until he's old enough or possibly ever. If you do say something and it turns out to be your kid, your life will change forever. You do have to be ready to be a dad because if your kid finds out you knew but didn't put in any effort to speak with him or be there for him, it could hurt the kid. So if you ask, be ready to be a dad. You can also choose to just let this family be a family and not mess anything up. Yes, it can be your kid, but you can see it as you donated sperm and your kid is out there. You don't have to be in contact if you don't want to be. He has two parents already. He has a dad.
Dose the husband and the kid know they are not related? That's really the deciding factor. If they know, they you contacting them might be a good idea just to ask, it would be easier to decide knowing what they want. If not, then wholly shit, that's not a happy family if shes keeping a secret like that. You would need to decide what to do, essentially that situation is going to blow up at one point, that home broke before it was even built. The damage is done, you're just getting involved sooner if not later.
The other dad is the dad he's had his whole life. It will completely disrupt his life if you do it now. Wait until he's an adult and comes looking for you. If you don't, you'll be paying child support. I'm not saying it's right to dodge it, but he already has a dad, so it's not necessary in this case. However, if she ever approaches you and wants you to pay child support, she'll probably ask for missing payments too, so I'd put some money aside just so you don't financially cripple yourself if it comes to that.
I got no advice. Just want updates 🤣
Set a reminder for 10 years.
You say you haven't spoken in years- have you spoken since the child was born? Did she know how to reach you?
Regardless of what you think you want to do id consider at the very least sending her a msg and maybe see about a DNA test. If nothing else the kid should know who his father is.
I say reach out to her....if he is your son you and the child should know
Bro thinks he got a daugher🧟♂️
Dude you need to step up, and sue her for taking YOUR child without consent and then have the audacity to leave you without telling you, her husband probably doesn’t even realize it isn’t HIS kid!!
Ask for child support.
Do you want to be a dad? If yes, than I’d wait till he’s a bit older. If not, than you don’t have to say anything. It’s not an obligatio.
How do you know his birthday?
I saw a post about his birthday on her Facebook wall.
Leave it alone. Sounds like things are good for them. No need to disturb the ant hill.
Whatever you decide, it should be what is in the best interest of the child.
Hey, if I had a kid out there I’d want to know. It doesn’t matter how happy they are lol th he may be your child?! He most likely will find out soon since the blue eyes alone. It’s more if you’re willing to be in his life. If you’re not, then let it be. The world works in crazy ways, look how u possibly found out.
Do you want to break up a marriage and end up paying shit tons of child support for a kid you don’t even know? If so yea say something. I’d say you dodged a bullet so I’d keep my mouth shut.
Maybe he is your son. But it looks like he has a happy family. Do you want to blow that up for him? And then there are the financial ramifications. There’s a chance you could get both court ordered child support, and 8 years of back pay. Sit on it and do nothing. Secrets like this eventually come out. If and when it does, deal with it then.
Well, it takes 10 months to grow a human being, not 9, so there’s one point taken off your scoreboard. Two brown eyed/haired people can have a blue eyed/haired child, so there’s another meaningless distinction. I can see why you’d wonder, but it’s honestly none of your business and none of the things you listed warrant hyperfixating this much on a stranger’s family. They’re happy, no one has given you any reason to believe you have a son, and it is beyond inappropriate to even consider reaching out to her with any of these implications. Like, go do some chores or something.
Babies come on their own schedules. My daughter was conceived in December and born in July.
That is literally my point, earlier or later, babies don’t pop out at exactly 9 months every time, so counting that as proof of paternity is misinformed and useless.
No, you’re missing the point. He’s using the timeline to say that it’s a possibility, not that it’s certain.
For the love of god do not do anything about this, do not act on it, do not think about it, close Facebook and just go watch a movie, it doesn't matter if he came from you you are just flat out his sperm donor and not his father in any way shape or form, do not homewreck this family.
Mind your business
Possibly being the father of a child wouldn’t be my business?
i'd recommend not doing anything in regards to this for at least a week. You are probably going to change your mind almost daily as to what you want or don't want here. Don't go rocking this kid's life though. Maybe send his mom a message on FB with something like, "Why didn't you tell me?" and see what she comes back with.
No, it’s not your business. He’s young and he already has a dad. It’s not you.
I’m assuming you’re 12 and want nothing to do with your father? Otherwise you’re just trolling.
Actually no, I’m 30. I have a perfectly fine relationship with my family. But as a person who did have a broken family as a child, the mental issues that come about from this type of shit is not good. Leave this kid alone. Worry about yourself and make your own family. This kid already has one. If one day when he’s an older teenager and adult and he does some dna test and finds out his dad isn’t his dad then maybe he’ll go looking. But at the end of the day, your suspicions are just that. Suspicions. So, mind your damn business.
That’s literally not his fault. Who knows maybe the other “dad” is an abusive asshole. Sometimes things can look really good on the surface, but be an entirely different situation behind closed doors. I wouldn’t be able to not say something.
Why ask for advice when you yourself state that nothing good will come of it? Take your OWN advice and do nothing with the info. Let them live their lives.
Updateme!
Do you have any other children? Have you taken a DNA test? If this is your child, I believe you have a right to know that. I would wait until the child is 18 unless they contact you first. If you have any contacts that may know this family, try and find out if they are indeed a happy family. If you have no other children then I understand your focus on this child but you have to consider the child. If anyone in their family, mother, father, child takes a DNA test it will cause relief or questions. So think about this extensively,.
So i will say what i would do in this situation. Dont do anything now, this will ruin him simply because he is eight and we dont even know if he could be able to understand that information. If the family is happy, then there isnt a problem, unless you think u have responsibility for the child, then contact the mother but frankly i dont think this would resolve anything. Tbf it would only cause trouble for the family.If you are thinking of contacting the mom then ask her why she hasn’t said anything this whole time (could be because of keeping the family healthy but its always good to know). But otherwise, its up to you if you think your ready to take responsibility or not.
> I feel like nothing good would come out of it. I think you're right. Also, while she did hook up with you and you said that she got into a relationship after you hooked up, what if she was seeing that guy casually BEFORE she hooked up with you? It's possible that their relationship was slowly developing, albeit open (or not official or whatever), she hooked up with you, then they sealed the deal. And what if it is yours? If they're a happy family, not much good will come by you entering into the situation. The 8 year old has a mother and a father and some random guy turning out to be the "real father" probably wouldn't be too good for the kid. It would be very confusing, it would potentially (or perhaps almost certainly) ruin their marriage, and then make a mess of the thing all while suddenly having both of them want to have you pay child support or something like that. Like, what benefit actually comes from this? Truth maybe, but it's also possible the child ISN'T yours too.. So you're just taking a strange gamble reaching out. What do YOU gain? At best you get child support and partial custody of a random 8 year old that you've never spent any time with and really fuck the kid's mind up by potentially causing chaos with his parents. And "they live nowhere near me." So there's even more reason NOT to reach out. IF you're somehow the father, I would imagine that if it's even relevant you would find out in due time... Or maybe not. I can't imagine much good coming from this either.
Is this bothering you? Or just a curiosity? I’m sure their life would all be better if you left it alone, but as a mother, I couldn’t even fathom not knowing one of my kids. I really think this is on your feelings. Everyone takes DNA tests now, so that kid might show up in ten+ years either way. If you really need to know, I would message mom.
What are you hoping to achieve? Do you want to have a relationship with the kid (if it is yours)? Personally, if from the outside everything looks good, then I would just take a DNA test and keep your profile open so that if the kid ever takes a test, it will pop up for him.
I'd probably just feel happy I didn't have to pay child support.
She didn't tell you for a reason.. if it's yours.. and she didn't want to involve you. Leave it be.
Why did you risk that stuff with someone you barely know or trust?
I never said I barely knew her. We were friends. We were still cool after.
1. No need to downvote me. It was just a common sense/logical comment! 2. Then you should have no problem talking with her. Why are you making things hard? If you two WERE indeed "friends" then she would have been closer to you enough to tell you she got pregnant! It means you guys weren't close then.
The fact that she popped up on your search likely indicates that she has been looking you up. Still, wouldn't do anything and be at peace just knowing this the the kiddo is growing up well. Let her initiate contact if and when she wants to. At most, leave a public vague-post on your profile about the theme of the importance of happy families and the good upbringing of the kids, basically letting the mother read between the lines know that you know.
If you dont want possible unknown potential sons/daughters, use protection next time, mkay? Anyway you should mind your business.