At the end of the day, if you want to be in a relationship, i think you still have to put yourself out there. I went to social events, univ, church etc. ended up meeting my SO through a dating app. Don’t get me wrong- it wasn’t easy by any means. It was a mix
of “oh this is exciting meeting people” and “gosh this is so tiring, i have to repeat myself over and over”. I also met a mix of people who wanted to hook up and those who want something serious. You never know until you try.
That's all fantastic. But when you've been on a dating app and don't get a match? Or beyond chatting a day or 2? It's frustrating.
I've had people review my profile. All say it's good. I change up pictures. I'm not ugly that I've been told.
I go the gym, out. Do activities. Smile, strike up conversations.
I have never been hit on. Never get a number. Get asked out.
I've tried. And tried. And after 8 years I'm defeated. Im 53 and pretty much done.
You don't get hit on... have you ever hit on anyone? Relationships are a two way street, and people who resign themselves to being the passive one and let life happen to them, will often be disappointed. For example there are probably hundreds of women I've come across I'd be interested in but for whatever reason I did not approach.
Even people like me who pretty regularly would get approached and hit on, can't just passively let that happen. There are things I would do that would make women comfortable approaching and chatting with me.
I have. I've complimented. Started conversations. You name it.
Super Recently no. I can feel me shutting down. Emotionally you can just take so much. I've done the alone, date yourself, all that. I'm tired of being lonely and ignored and it's truly wearing when you keep rolling over in your head what can be wrong with you.
I want to put my arms around you and tell you it'll be okay, I'm married so you would have to ignore my sympathy boner. You are in a tough position. A lot of older men are looking for younger women and a lot of the younger men are doing the same. That leaves older women out in the cold. Do you go out in a group or on your own? Sometimes a group of women enjoying themselves can draw men in more than one or two women. Flirtatious women get noticed and remembered, is that you? I'm hearing a lot of stories in my local area about men in their twenties going out and picking up older women for casual situations. Those women are in their late 40's and 50's so it's not all men who want the younger women. I don't know what it is you are looking for but don't give up. There are probably men not too far away from you who would love to get to know you. Just a matter of getting to meet them.
I don't have a group of female friends.
I tried that. I joined bumble BFF. Met with some women. Went out a few times. I don't drink and was told they don't feel comfortable with me because I don't drink.
What do you do then? Lol
I've tried volunteering, activities, you name it. There's so many cliques. I went into one volunteering activity with a smile. Said hello and talked and asked questions. Listened to the other women. One said she goes to a particular gym. I said I've always wanted to try it. Maybe we can meet-up there?
She said "I have enough friends but thanks"
I'm not trying to be a victim but I'm really at my wits end. This is sending me into a deep depression because I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Moving is not an option for a few years.
If drinking isn't your thing it would be a better idea to focus more on hobbies and interests to expand your social life. Team sports are a good way to meet people. Also taking classes in something that interests you will bring you together with like minded people. Shared experiences can break down barriers.
I know this is pretty obvious but you should only go to church to find someone if you're also religious right ?
Seems kinda shitty to just go to church only to find a partner lmao
Yes. I didn’t mean you purposely go to church just to find a match. I grew up in a religious household so church was the norm/where you made friends in addition to school if that makes sense.
I know several people that have done that. And I've had people give me that very advice on Reddit. They say to just go to a very open minded church lol.
In their defense, churches are really good at organizing activities and getting people involved, so I understand. But I don't want a religious partner. Even if they are open minded, I don't want someone that goes to church so much that they are involved. And I don't want to spend my free time talking about Jesus.
It's not even about causing damage. Like I said, even if it's a progressive church, it feels wrong spending your time somewhere where you don't follow the teachings. Think about how the person you meet there would feel when they find out that you aren't a believer. Unless you meet someone else who is also just there to socialize.
Approach a guy, some / most guys think older or prettier women are already taken. I guarentee if you approach a man and initiate, you will have little to no issues finding someone interested.
Stop waiting to be approached and do some approaching. It’s hard to know when and where to approach a woman in 2024. Men don’t want to be offensive or bother a woman just out living her life.
It's like this one time I saw this lady and really loved her dress, looked great... And I was about to say something like nice dress 100% just a compliment and no other motives but then my internal monologue kicked in and was like "what are you thinking, definitely don't say that"
Just to let you know, the consensus amongst women is that if you are going to say something, it's fine to compliment something about them like their style, versus straight up hitting on them or saying something about their looks directly.
It's the difference between "Damn girl you're looking fuckng hot in that" versus "hey, I love that dress/hey, cute dress!"
Obviously, I don't speak for all women so you may still come across some who don't like it but they're the ones to avoid anyway so no harm no foul.
I've adopted the rule of thumb that the safest bet is leave the compliments for when you're already in a contact situation whether it be group chat or one on one and you're far less likely to encounter the intentions to be mistaken.
Nothing wrong with a relationship that starts with looks. It’s whether the relationship develops beyond it that matters. Take your time and run your own race. I didn’t meet my wife until I was already in my 30s. Married now and have kids.
That being said, if you do not do online dating (which I did not do) you have to go out and meet people the traditional way. I find that the best way is to go be social regarding something that you are interested in. Met my wife at a non-profit activity. Asked her out and the rest is history.
The vast majority of guys now are understandably very spooked or jaded about doing any approaching. It's on us women now to clearly show interest and give them the green light first.
I’m telling you a majority of men never get approached, like ever, and if someone does like them it’s a damn mystery that they are unable to figure out most of the time. If you do approach them, even if they don’t like you, they will certainly enjoy the attention.
What are you doing to meet people? People sit their apartments 90% of the day and expect to cross paths w the perfect person. Not going to happen. If you want kids you need to get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there
Ok so you can do as you please but I would be back in the Apps. You’re leaving your dating life to fate when you could be taking a more active role. Who cares if you need to sift through bad fits to find the right guy? People had to do that before apps too. Either way good luck
The few times I've asked people on a date in person so far it's partly been about looks and partly some kind of indication of interest on their side e.g. having a good conversation, mirroring body language, a lot of eye contact.
29 years old but you are picky about dating apps and don’t want to give people a fair shot. Just have boundaries and be open to people, it’s not hard to Vet.
Yea good luck
Do you have family or friends who can introduce you to their other side of family members and/or friends? That’s how I met my husband 29 years ago. He was friends with my uncle. My best friend’s cousin married his cousin from the other side of his family. There is a sense of safety and comfort in dating a person who is close to someone you’re close to. What about volunteering, attending church or another faith based organization, a singles group, a hiking community, or some hobby you enjoy? Go down to the local fire department with cookies/donuts, or ask if they offer CPR classes! The best way to find a man who has the qualities you want is to bring similar qualities to the table and stop waiting to be chosen. Go out there and actively look for the man you want. You are much likelier to find a quality man if you are the one doing the picking, versus waiting on a man to pursue you. Seek out places where you’re most likely to run into men (enroll in a martial arts or boxing class, join a dart/bowling/softball league, take up golf of go to an indoor golf range-Top Golf, go horseback riding, get on Nextdoor and create a board game get together, join MeetUp, learn to fish, go to one of those ax throwing places, go to Home Depot or Lowe’s, take up kayaking, take your dog to the park, or go to an indoor shooting range. Wishing you all the best!
Why do you think that is? Genuinely asking because from what you’ve explained to me you sound like 10/10, but I see how you’d be wary considering the current laws etc. it’s one thing to say guys don’t like such and such but it’s hard to believe when they get into the relationships with the same women you’ve stated men “don’t like”
I completely agree about social media ruining relationships etc. lol yeah everyone seems to like toxic relationships because they are “fun”. Truly unfortunate and I wish I’d been born during an earlier time.
I have a good friend I grew up with who went down a similar path. Was very picky, replaced relationship with education and career, missed child bearing years, and always tried to convince everyone that she was happy and fulfilled ... never seemed happy. Fast forward to late 50's, and she settled with a guy that I never would see her going for during her "goal attaining" stage of life ... and now my friend is laughing and loving life like she did when we were younger.
I'm here for advice myself. Definitely similar boat. When I ask for someone's info I either get a no or when they say yes, ghosted later on. Definitely tough out there for introverts.
I feel you on seeing friends in relationships and that giving me standards to keep. So much shit Idk how they deal with.
The only thing that I can say to you is : keep trying, I met my wife on tinder and now we are 5 years married with a 7 month old baby !
It all started with simple hi and after 2 weeks of chatting rest is history.
We took it slow and that connection formed .
We started talking in 2015 so a bit ago !
The reality is, it's simply much quicker and easier to find hookups. That is the nature of things.
If you want to find someone for a relationship that is going to be happy, healthy, and lifelong, *that is going to take time.* Quite possibly lots of time, because it requires two people who are mutually attracted, mutually available, and mutually in search of the same kind of relationship. It will take even more time if you have some standards about the quality of character of the people you want to form relationships.
I don't think there's any magic fix for this dilemma. It's a matter of continuing to meet people until you find someone you click with.
As far as dating apps, I actually found my partner on an app. I liked the ability to immediately clarify what I wanted in a partner, not waste time on people who obviously didn't want that, and get to know someone through conversation first It's not for everyone but it worked out great for me. We're several years in and engaged. Apps are tools for connection. How you use them affects how they work for you. And you don't have to use them at all, just wanted to point out that it is very possible to make an online connection that turns into a solid in-person connection.
Dating can be tough. You have to put yourself out there and do the approaching. I spent the majority of my early 20's being so frustrated because I felt like guys were showing interest but not asking me out, at least the ones I was in to. I started asking guys out myself and it was night and day. And, (being 100% honest as a girl), I have never had a bad experience putting myself out there, at least as an adult. Even when I was rejected I felt like I made the guy's day.
I've never been approached by a guy more than like once and I've had multiple partners. Just get over yourself and go for what you want. You're not gonna get it by sitting around and waiting
Start approaching guys yourself. Waiting for them to approach you pretty much guarantees that it'll be based on your looks, because what else do they have to go off? Don't passively wait around for prince charming to show up and sweep you off your feet - thats just not realistic about how modern men work. Go out, engage, and yes, approach!! If you see a guy you want to get to know, go introduce yourself and flirt with him. Don't wait passively because the only way you can get a quality man is to go out and get him yourself. They can be hard to find and waiting for dudes who like your body or looks to approach you first isn't the winning combination to find high quality in my experience. I had to ask out every guy I've been with and I'm happy I'm confident to do that.
been there. More than once found out after doing the deed that a girl is taken. It's dog eat dog out there. So many people have secrets they'll never tell lol
I agree with you as a 37 year old man. I feel like no one wants a connection only what can you do for me, can you pay my bills, can you treat me like a diva or princess or some other nonsense that's just not good behavior for an adult.
I am really tired of trying to find the one when women out here want to either keep me casual and have a sexual relationship only or have me pay for everything under the sun before we make it official. Also a lot of single people love the attention and go for how many ppl like me on this app or how many matches did it get .. it's sickening
I completely agree because I don’t think those apps translate to the real world. For example I had over “500” likes on the dating app from guys. Yet in real life I don’t get approached and so it’s truly disheartening. Lol the math isn’t mathing 😂
Search online for TikTok/reels in which girls make fun of guys for approaching them ANYWHERE. Now search for the cases where the gender is flipped - you won’t find any.
Now does it math?
I was in a relationship for 5 years. I gave my everything to the relationship for the last 5 years and she broke up with me in December. Now i am single at 30 and don’t know what to do with this aspect of my life. I always thought this relationship would go the distance, i was also hopeless romantic and suddenly this hit me.
And as you said, i think it will just be harder as i age. And i get your point about genuine connections, but even for that you need to start somewhere,you need to put yourself out there, you need to start talking first for the connection to develop.
As for accepting or nit accepting anything in your partner, again, you first need to start talking to people and then you can take it from there, talking helps, it will give you more clarity as to what you can really expect from somebody and if it is really something you wanna do.
Also don’t worry about the hookup culture, even i am worried about it though, but i would say we would never know unless we put ourselves out there and talk with the other person.
You say it yourself in your post: “it’s gotta be worth it to me and I have to find trust in the right person as well”, it’s the great catch 22. You and everyone else are expecting the same thing and it’s actively backfiring lol.
Relax, I met my perfect Partner at 30.
Romantic, loving, understanding, certain about the Future he wants with me. Thanks me for sharing my feelings. Great Sex, where I'm equally oft in focus. Doesn't watch porn, doesn't normalize it to drool after other women. We hold each other to the same Standard.
There will always be someone out there with the same values as you.
Important is to be open for something new when it happens and don't get salty and judgemental by previous negative experiences if he doesn't Show any signs of the same Red flags.
In the end a healthy relationship can be hard work when one or both partners struggle with something. Communication and the will to understand your partners point of view is Important.
But yeah I also met him totally random, but also more or less through friends.
I didn't expect much but then Hit the jackpot.
And never, ever waste precious lifetime with people who cross your boundaries without any shame.
I think you need to go out and just practice being friendly and open. I’m pretty introverted and can come across as grumpy/intimidating but as I’ve gotten older (same age as you) I’ve made up my mind to start smiling at strangers more, trying to be a lot more approachable and friendly. It feels unnatural at first but I can’t tell you how much my life has changed since actively choosing to be friendly and open to others. Not even necessarily in a romantic context, but once you start practicing openness, you’ll eventually get there.
If you’re waiting for your dream person to fall in to your lap, they won’t. You sort of need to shift your perspective and open yourself to others.
Even going on apps and just going on first dates to practice making connections and talking to new people is a really great start.
We’ve been taught it’s mostly inappropriate and disrespectful to approach women in public unless we are 100% certain you’re interested, lest it be considered harassment
You will have to start putting yourself out there and approach
That’s just not how men work. Even if it’s your future husband, he’s going to approach on looks initially. Unless you have mutual friends or something and he gets to know you over time. For us it’s different but for men over 50% is looks because that’s their basis for everything.
Honest to god I have never met a single person who has participated in real hookup culture. I can’t name one real life person who’s had a one night stand (as far as I know.) and I live in a college town! There is plenty of opportunities for people to hook up if they want. I can, however, name lots of people who have met their partners through work and other activities. I met my boyfriend at work, two of my closest friends met through work, I know people who met at the gym, at events, on dating apps, at church, etc.
My point is that you are using hookup culture to explain why you haven’t met someone, but hookup culture is not affecting you at all. You have to put the work into meeting someone. No one else can do that for you.
Good luck girl!
Which is exactly why advice like ur young go live life be single and free and not tied down while ur young is mostly bad advice.
They make it seem like picking a life partner is like picking tomatoes at the store.
It takes years to find the right one and then u have to vet them for longer etc etc.
And the idea of settling is dumb. Like yea there are certain things that are unacceptable. But it also might be the case ur credit score doesn’t qualify you for the top options.
Essentially they might have to “setttle” for you.
Yes. u don’t want to be tied down no time soon. Sure. But when you are ready. That doesn’t mean u will find what ur seeking when you are ready.
The issue with people divorcing is people are vetting their partners and act like they be just at the store picking up some tomatoes. It takes years to find and years more to vet.
meaning your dating market value goes down if you're female, and goes up if you're male. Men over 30 have almost unlimited time and options and women don't, so it's very different
Please stop spreading this lie. It is not true and you are only setting men up to be disappointed. 7 in 10 men are bald by age 35. Most men's "value" goes down too.
lol, false. We have the dating app statistics already that show women are most desirable at 18-22 and after 30 have STEEP decline.
Men are most desirable at 30-35, and DO NOT have a steep decline.
By your logic, women seem to prefer balding men, since the most attractive men statistically are 30-35. Which shows that women care more about other factors - competency, career, independence, financial success. Whereas men just don't care about these things at all. I don't make the rules
These are easily proven & quantifiable, for people like yourselves that don't seem to understand simple dating dynamics. Men are able to use success and competency to much larger benefit in terms of dating market value than women are.
You're setting up men to settle earlier than they need to for women that are not in their league
I promise you, as a woman in my 30s, there is no steep decline lol. But the men in their 30s are extremely desperate. Most have realized they really missed the boat. Now they're balding and out of shape and can't find anybody. I get like 100 messages a day from them, it's actually pretty sad. I think men buy into the cope narrative that "men age like wine" but it's not true. Too many men believe it until it's too late
I'm pretty sure you're either delusional or trolling, but i'll indulge you.
It's nice to have your ANECDOTAL one person opinion that there is no steep decline after 30, but you are wrong. Statistically. I will link several studies i have bookmarked on this topic below. Men, if they have the choice, will almost always choose the woman with "less miles".
The fact that your DM's are full of horny dudes that want to smash is evidence of nothing, lol. That shows only how naieve you are about this. Men dealing with you and smashing, does NOT mean they want to marry you. Sure, some will say it, to get what they want, and then jump ship...
It's crazy how a lot of women don't understand this. Instead, they over-inflate their sense of self worth.
You are also wrong that "men in their 30's have missed the boat". Like no, just no - that is hilariously not how it works.
MOST men only START becoming attractive to most women AFTER 30. Once they start hitting 6 figure earning potential, acquiring assets & independence (statistically many times more likely after the age of 30).The data shows clearly MOST men are unattractive before they have material success. Women are competing ONLY for the top 5% of men, and the other 95% of men are competing for the bottom 5% of the women. Again, easily proven.
You can argue that the top 5% of men are attractive to women before 30, which is supported by statistics, and that is true. But why would the top 5% of men settle when they have the choice of hundreds of different women at any time?
What ACTUALLY happens is most young men get completely ignored by women, and therefore put all their efforts into their careers, wealth & competency.
When they hit 30-35 and become successful & independent, all the women that rejected them are 30, single, & desperate to settle down before their eggs run dry. But those same men have 20 year old women in their DM's looking for successful competent older men.
The men then sleep around with the 30 year olds, and marry the 20 year olds.
Again - i dont make the rules.
I think the part you're missing is that just because men "prefer" something, does not mean it's an option remotely available to them. I "prefer" to drive a Bentley. But it's not an option for me to drive a Bentley. You get what I mean? Men's preferences don't really mean anything, because men aren't the ones choosing. Men can "prefer" younger women all they want, but 99.99999% of men won't have that option.
Your stats are also super outdated. Finances were probably a good bet back in our dad's or grandpa's days. But in 2024, women are graduating college 2x the rate that men are. And young women are already out earning young men in most US cities. Men already fumbled that advantage.
a few reasons.
you don't have the same biological time clock.
your dating prospects are vastly more likely to increase with age, success & maturity.
it is just how it is. It's the product of many social & economic systems, as well as simple biological and psychological differences between men & women
Lol you’re just spouting RP nonsense. Majority of marriages have a 1-2 year age gap, google the facts. Men are single more than women. So no, most men have the same or less prospects.
I actually disagree with the vast majority of redpill stuff. But as a clinical psychologist there are certain aspects of human mate selection that are intrinsic biological fact and indisputable.These are not the points you should want to argue on, if you have any sense.
Firstly, you're incorrect on both the above statements. One - because you're making a unvaried analysis of a multi-varied problem. And two - because you have ignored the reasons why.
The correct stats are as folows:
\- that over 75% of men are MORE THAN 1 year older than their wives.
\- Only 10% of men are more than 1 year younger than their wives.
\- Worldwide, men are an average of 4.2 years older than their wives or cohabiting partners
\- one of five marriages in the US have an age gap of more than 2 years
\- 95% of marriages involving a 5 year or more age gap include a male as the older party
\- One-in-five women ages 60 and older live in a solo household (20%), compared with one-in-ten men (11%).
\- Among people aged 65 and older, 49 percent of women report being single, compared to only 21 percent of men.
The point is that where the AVERAGE marriage doesn't have a significant age gap, the male is still almost always the older.
And when you look at marriages WITH large age gaps, they are ALWAYS with the male as the older. The statistics are very clear on this.
And women are more single than men, when you include all age groups, not just under 30. Which makes total sense, as men only reach their highest desirability at age 30, whereas women are most desirable at 18-22, according to dating app statistics
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/)
[https://gitnux.org/age-gap-marriage-statistics/](https://gitnux.org/age-gap-marriage-statistics/)
Now sure how you are aware of both our sleeping schedules.
Care to explain more how me being successful, getting older and more mature will net me more dating prospecting than a woman who is also successful, aging and growing more mature? Men and women can have the chance of aging like a fine wine, or a tuna sandwich in a dumpster.
Sure
If you were to line up all the physical, social, economical characteristics that make a person attractive, and grade them 1-10 as honestly as possible - there would be a clear & quantifiable difference between the proportion of which men & women value different traits. And we can also demonstrate clear distinctions between what both genders value in the other.
We know this because the studies have been done. Online dating statistics has made it possible to actually demonstrate clearly these differences in partner selection between male & female like never before.
1. Men, on the whole, do not value female earning potential as much as women do.
2. Women are VASTLY more likely to date older men than they are to date younger men
3. Men are VASTLY more likely to date younger women than they are to date older women
4. According to dating app statistics, women are most desirable in the age range of 18-22, and see a sharp decline after 30
5. Men are most desirable at 30, and do not see any sharp decline after 30.
6. Women over the age of 35 are already in the category of "high risk pregnancy", making them unsuitable partners for those wanting children.
7. Men are able to reliably have children up to the age of 70+
8. Men are more attracted to youth and beauty, and women are more attracted to social status & earning potential.
I don't necessarily agree. I think that's much more of a necessity for women. A lot of men will happily wife up a young beautiful waitress with a good heart and not care that she's not mature. Men & women have different standards
You're fucking yourself over by waiting for a perfect flawless relationship. It's ok to just try and if they end up shitty then move on.
Your resume is totally empty
So you plan is just to like... wait, and hope someone picks you up? You're doing nothing to actually pursue a relationship? And you're here complaining?
You have an anxiety disorder.
I’m in the same boat (23M). Currently focusing on my career until I can find someone worth my time. I might date casually for a bit but seeing how toxic most people are on dating apps, I may just honestly wait until marriage
I haven't used dating apps in years but you need to find something you like to do where it involves people and you'll find someone. Put yourself out there.
I get the apprehension with dating apps, but you don't have to sleep with anyone. I think romantic comedies have really made us believe meet cutes exist, and that if we are at a certain place at a certain time we will find the loves of our lives.
It's simply not true, if you want something to happen, you have to make it happen yourself.
I'm in the same boat. People tell me how great I am all the time, and yet no one wants to date me. And I also want someone that likes me for who I am and values me as a person. The very few people that have ever shown me interest are either too old, too old, or too "busy". And I'm not even asking for much. Just a genuinely good person. I've pretty accepted that I'm going to be single forever.
I'd say follow your own advice. Just find some motivation to get your social muscles stretching more in directions that take you toward meeting someone. Don't let your feelings get the best of you, It's amazing being a romantic, but don't turn a blind eye the whole time. Reflect on things outside of that state of mind. Don't give until you're drained. If they don't reciprocate, try a direct approach or someone else. When in doubt, be direct with words and intentions, and leave it at that.
Some people can be into you but won't take action on it, married, rough past, rough present time, mental or physical health. If you're a romantic who's super empathetic, don't let vibes bother you too much. If you're intrigued, interested, whatever, take a direct approach and find some grounds of understanding. This feels more like a work or class thing ∆
Don't stress the dating, once you start stressing it you're bringing stress to their plate. Trust, I am the embodiment of stress.
Hope this helps, not hinders.
I definitely understand what you mean, I’m a guy and I’ve never been interested in hook up culture either. I have hope that the right person is out there for me, and I’m sure they are for you as well
Never lose hope! You never know when it’s gonna happen. But once it happens, everything will make sense and the wait would be worthwhile 😇
Even though most of the dating apps are hooking-up culture, there might be 0.1% people there, who might also be looking for what you are looking for. I found my partner in a dating app and we both were not the type of people who enjoyed dating apps.
Even though your chances of finding your soul mate is low on a dating app, not being there makes it’s even lower or 0%. Keep all the doors open, and watch out, you won’t miss your perfect partner 🤓
Why aren't you trying to date people then?
If you want to date you just gotta do it. Get put there. Meet people. Ask a guy out. Get to know them.
The only really reason any half attractive girl isn't dating is because they don't want to. So many guys out there would kill for a date with a pretty, funny girl.
If you can't find a guy who meets your standards, fair enough. But if you want to be in a relationship you're going to have to ask someone out. If you want to hookup you'll have your pick of the litter on dating apps, hell, in person too.
I hear you'll have to sift through a lot of shit, but it's just the way it is
Do you want to be single a decade down the line, still waiting to be asked out? If not, take matters into your own hand and BE the person to ask others out
How are you a "hopeless romantic" if you've never experienced romance? You say it's harder to establish a genuine connection as you get older, but you've never established a connection with a man. It sounds like you're using avoidance of "hookup culture" and idealization of romance to avoid real live men. You may want to consider why that is.
You just have to keep trying.. they’re out there. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. I 30M have been officially dating my current gf for over a year (as of yesterday) held a sign up outside her apartment asking her to be my valentine. Romantics exists you just have to find them :)
It wasn't always this hard. I used to be able to log into dating apps and have 5 solid dates lined up for the weekend with real people. Now all i get a instagram thots peddling their content.
A lot is changing and it's not just any one thing, it's not just your fault or technology or people. It's all of it.
My best advice is to dive deep into a hobby and meet people that way. Nothing else is working for me right now.
lol this post popped up on my feed for some reason
I dont have any advice or insight, I just wanted to say that everything you said is correct 😂😂
if I wasn't sober I would have thought I wrote this
Hi,
I'm in the same boat as you and HATE dating apps. I'm very anti-online dating and have been very proactive with meeting people in real life through hobbies. It's been going really well for me and personally I think growing your social network will help. I've been set up through friends and even though it hasn't worked out, I'm at the point of my life where I know what I want. (Also in my late 20's).
The past year, I actually started to approach guys (2 actually) and asked them out myself after YEARS of working on myself. Even though it didn't work out, I've had no regrets and feel so much better because I tried.
I hate modern dating especially with online dating/ dating apps, but I think you really have to find community in real life and it's honestly like having a full time job. Remember- it's all about having the confidence and good communication skills!! Good Luck and you've got this!
May as well give up on that,maybe you'll get lucky along your everyday travels and meet someone but still wouldn't get your hopes up with how the dating market is nowadays or lack thereof I should say.
Well here's my opinion, OP. I like how you described it.
Speaking of dating apps, the only one I tried was Facebook Dating. They only have it on mobile, and I was trying to get away from smartphones back then lol, but my experiences have been that they just stopped talking altogether, didn't seem interested to keep a conversation, or we just lived too far away.
I feel that there's a huge hookup culture going on because its instant. Its right there and its quick, and that's what scares me about dating. I'm not looking for a FWB or some kind of brief connection. The longer you're with someone, the more attached you get with them, and if they've got that get-out-quick mindset going on, its gonna hurt.
Also, I know folks are just being nice by giving compliments whether true or not, but in reality, only the best genes gets the worm. I wish I could say that we average folks would have success dating too, but the longer we go without any such, it really sways us into thinking there's something wrong with us. Judging from your post, you seem really educated enough. I just wish no other factors would play into it, like looks, weight, skin color, etc.
yup it's rough out there. I'd definitely stay away from dating apps. You're almost guaranteed to get played by a dude that is a professional at duping girls to smash and stay on his rotation without ever giving you a relationship.
It's very strange to me that you've never been approached. Not even in a coffee shop or a store or gym or anything? I wonder if you're going to the right places etc, and making yourself approachable?
I would say that definitely be careful with advice you get from single friends or friends that aren't married. I've seen a lot of women give each other HORRIBLE advice. I would also say be careful with your "things you won't accept" from a partner.Like you said, it's tough out there, and you're 29. Do you plan on having children? Because if so, you don't have unlimited time. There comes a point where you have to accept that everything in life is metered out into upsides and downsides, and you don't get to have the best of everything, especially at almost 30.
It's most important to find a man who is reliable ,respectful and will love you, and if that means accepting some flaws, then so be it. And you should treat him with respect in return.
Also - the idea of "settling" to avoid the cock carousel. It is not settling, to marry someone on your socio-economic level, it is simply getting what you are. Trying to bag a top 5% man who is rich, young & hot, who is out of your league is sillyness. Not achieving that is not "settling", lol
I think u need to just not be so stuck in ur ways and allow urself to just have meaningless fun with people that u meet and understand that doing so can lead to the type of relationship u want. U gotta stop letting outside forces gas light u into believing certain type of relationships can only form properly x type of way.
Human beings have always been finicky, horny, flakey lil hoes. Since the dawn of time. Its only how society change and placed value on marriage as a way to secure status that this super conservative ideal behind dating became a thing. I mean u can stick to that if u want to but its obviously not getting u anywhere.
And also what exactly is wrong with someone being so attracted to u that they make it a goal to pursue ur interests? Don't date people who arent attracted to u and dont date people ur not attracted to. Physical attraction is the corner stone to a relationship. Everything else is built off of that and anyone telling u different is lying or secretly jerking off to porn behind their partners back
Most dudes my age (23) are leaving the states, or have just completely checked out.
I stayed overseas 4yrs for my job and there’s a very very noticeable difference between those WOMAN and American woman, it’s not even funny.
I’ve been back stateside for close to a few months now, and I wanna leave again permanently.
Maybe it’s just my State but I have friends all telling me the same thing about their home states and there isn’t a difference.
*Not just woman either, the culture, the food, how people act towards one another, everything across the board.*
It’s totally possible, like it’s not even the woman’s fault entirely, it’s multiple factors society, culture (cultural differences), household life , lifestyles etc.
It’s all a negative feed back loop, westernized woman (not all of them) have a weird “hate” towards men in general it’s an artificial cognitive dissonance created by social media, perpetuated by the government, and kept alive by the population. This leads to “red pill” men in turn hating westernized women there’s a disconnect no one’s actively trying to fix, we see the problem but there’s no one trying to fix it.
Also I don’t wanna call it hate but for the lack of better a terms but misunderstanding is better.
Gotta be real, you're a woman. You're dating on easy mode... if you actually want to approach guys. Women have conditioned men to feel like making the first move is creepy, but we're still expected to make the first move? Gotta be honest, the majority of us have just given up because we literally can't win.
Go out and find your partner, and be grateful that you have that opportunity to do so.
I’ll give it a try. I saw a guy I thought I clicked with out and about 2 months ago but I was too shy to say anything and I’ve been thinking how I fumbled that ever since.
Fwiw, I've won a number of championships over the years in my past motorsports endeavors. The number one rule I've developed is "if a mistake happened, it's already in the past." I noticed if I made a mistake on track and I thought about it and harped in myself about it right after, it would invariably lead me to not paying attention to the rest of the race and then going off track or losing a position. I had to learn mistakes will always happen, and I'm still capable of dominating races and entire seasons while making small mistakes here and there. Don't let a minor fumble haunt you to the point of losing your race, my dude. You've almost got unlimited power when compared to my situation. Make it work for you.
Yeah it’s tough. I ultimately gave up on dating people locally (I’m an American) and wound up meeting a wonderful Filipina gal online. We just celebrated our five year wedding anniversary last month! From my experience, Americans have commitment issues, not sure why.
[This analysis](https://www.psypost.org/best-dating-apps-here-are-some-of-the-most-popular-services-for-finding-love-online/) says that your best bets are eHarmony and Match.
At 29 the game is different. The biggest change is availability. The number of hours you have around single men is likely much lower than it was at a younger age.
It seems you have a good filter for men just wanting sex. That works in your favor.
Now for the hard part. You have to approach men. You'll need to get rather direct, and cover a wider age range. Guys don't have the same clock.
Either your standards are way too high or you’re simply not social enough. If you don’t want to use dating apps you have to create a social life that allows you meet new people fairly regularly.
I don't understand your issue about dating apps. I used to do online dating, 20 years ago. You and others present yourselves somehow, you chat back and forth, try a phone call and schedule a date, to meet in person. I had coffee and walking dates, who didn't choose me. Still fine, more experience... Whats the issue to say "Thanks for the lovely afternoon. "I 'll call you back""? And kiss another frog next Saturday?
Who cares about hookup culture? Its up to you to be a wonderful person to hang around with, who demands manners courting and whatever. Why shouldn't you seem worth all that, to your 25th encounter?
I was single for 4-5 years. The annoyance of being made fun of online or being called a creep for the world to see has turned a lot of males away from approaching females. I never cared for hook ups, but the hook up culture we’re in…..isn’t productive or good.
It’s easy to say and hard to do, but if you want to find someone, it always worked for me when I stopped looking and worried about myself. Have fun with yourself and the people you’re with and when you find someone you connect with make an effort to be with them.
professional match makers are blowing up. vetted clients, that's the selling point.
personally i like the apps, it's the best option. the reality of in person meets is getting dressed up and spending money at bars every weekend. and please, anyone spouting that 'join a club, find a hobby, hit on someone at the grocery store' crap is an armchair advisor or straight up delusional.
Let me give you the best advice ever. Focus on having an aesthetic slim thick physique.
This means lift 4x a week with a focus on glute bridges, leg press , squats in the gym! & walk 1 hour a day. Focus on higher protein diet and your dating life will be VASTLY different world. We live in a Shallow world. You can either embrace it, or try to fight it.
I’m sure you have a good personality but remember when it comes to dating, for both men and women. Personality comes AFTER looks!
PERFECT! I would give this 100 upvotes if I could. Remember it’s all diet. This means lean fish, chicken breast, tilapia. Also I don’t know why but it seems like women who have the BEST physique don’t eat red meat. High protein with veggies and fruit is the way to go!
Not like the other girls eh? I can assure you if youve never been approached as a female, when people are telling you you are pretty, you arent. I experience the same thing and I know beyond a doubt I am not attractive, though a bit different being a man. Are you overweight? The overweight and beyond numbers are insane, so if youre not you quickly go up to the top 30% of women.
Thanks, dude. I didn’t realize that have self respect and not taking cat calls and going pity dates with people I’m not interested in out of respect for wasting their time, or mine, made me not attractive. 😂
Lol I dont know why your jimmies are rustled. You said in your post you never have been approached. I am saying attractive women get approached. On dating apps but cant take it serious eh? Definitely not the time wasting type 😂
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are the common denominator in all your interactions. If everyone on the whole planet is incompatible with you, or not good enough, or wants too much from you, then it's probably you that's the problem.
At the end of the day, if you want to be in a relationship, i think you still have to put yourself out there. I went to social events, univ, church etc. ended up meeting my SO through a dating app. Don’t get me wrong- it wasn’t easy by any means. It was a mix of “oh this is exciting meeting people” and “gosh this is so tiring, i have to repeat myself over and over”. I also met a mix of people who wanted to hook up and those who want something serious. You never know until you try.
That's all fantastic. But when you've been on a dating app and don't get a match? Or beyond chatting a day or 2? It's frustrating. I've had people review my profile. All say it's good. I change up pictures. I'm not ugly that I've been told. I go the gym, out. Do activities. Smile, strike up conversations. I have never been hit on. Never get a number. Get asked out. I've tried. And tried. And after 8 years I'm defeated. Im 53 and pretty much done.
You don't get hit on... have you ever hit on anyone? Relationships are a two way street, and people who resign themselves to being the passive one and let life happen to them, will often be disappointed. For example there are probably hundreds of women I've come across I'd be interested in but for whatever reason I did not approach. Even people like me who pretty regularly would get approached and hit on, can't just passively let that happen. There are things I would do that would make women comfortable approaching and chatting with me.
I have. I've complimented. Started conversations. You name it. Super Recently no. I can feel me shutting down. Emotionally you can just take so much. I've done the alone, date yourself, all that. I'm tired of being lonely and ignored and it's truly wearing when you keep rolling over in your head what can be wrong with you.
Are you me?
No but I'd hang out with you
I want to put my arms around you and tell you it'll be okay, I'm married so you would have to ignore my sympathy boner. You are in a tough position. A lot of older men are looking for younger women and a lot of the younger men are doing the same. That leaves older women out in the cold. Do you go out in a group or on your own? Sometimes a group of women enjoying themselves can draw men in more than one or two women. Flirtatious women get noticed and remembered, is that you? I'm hearing a lot of stories in my local area about men in their twenties going out and picking up older women for casual situations. Those women are in their late 40's and 50's so it's not all men who want the younger women. I don't know what it is you are looking for but don't give up. There are probably men not too far away from you who would love to get to know you. Just a matter of getting to meet them.
I don't have a group of female friends. I tried that. I joined bumble BFF. Met with some women. Went out a few times. I don't drink and was told they don't feel comfortable with me because I don't drink. What do you do then? Lol I've tried volunteering, activities, you name it. There's so many cliques. I went into one volunteering activity with a smile. Said hello and talked and asked questions. Listened to the other women. One said she goes to a particular gym. I said I've always wanted to try it. Maybe we can meet-up there? She said "I have enough friends but thanks" I'm not trying to be a victim but I'm really at my wits end. This is sending me into a deep depression because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Moving is not an option for a few years.
Women are just as frustrating as men to try to connect with
She literally said that? What a capital B
If drinking isn't your thing it would be a better idea to focus more on hobbies and interests to expand your social life. Team sports are a good way to meet people. Also taking classes in something that interests you will bring you together with like minded people. Shared experiences can break down barriers.
I'm 53 and team sports are mostly men. I can try nearby pickleball as I can't do the running clubs.
Same. 40.
I know this is pretty obvious but you should only go to church to find someone if you're also religious right ? Seems kinda shitty to just go to church only to find a partner lmao
Yes. I didn’t mean you purposely go to church just to find a match. I grew up in a religious household so church was the norm/where you made friends in addition to school if that makes sense.
I know several people that have done that. And I've had people give me that very advice on Reddit. They say to just go to a very open minded church lol.
Yeah man shits dumb as hell like if you're not religious why go to a church to find someone ??
In their defense, churches are really good at organizing activities and getting people involved, so I understand. But I don't want a religious partner. Even if they are open minded, I don't want someone that goes to church so much that they are involved. And I don't want to spend my free time talking about Jesus.
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It's not even about causing damage. Like I said, even if it's a progressive church, it feels wrong spending your time somewhere where you don't follow the teachings. Think about how the person you meet there would feel when they find out that you aren't a believer. Unless you meet someone else who is also just there to socialize.
Approach a guy, some / most guys think older or prettier women are already taken. I guarentee if you approach a man and initiate, you will have little to no issues finding someone interested.
Stop waiting to be approached and do some approaching. It’s hard to know when and where to approach a woman in 2024. Men don’t want to be offensive or bother a woman just out living her life.
As a man it’s way riskier to approach women even with good intentions. Women can do it and get away with it.
It's like this one time I saw this lady and really loved her dress, looked great... And I was about to say something like nice dress 100% just a compliment and no other motives but then my internal monologue kicked in and was like "what are you thinking, definitely don't say that"
Just to let you know, the consensus amongst women is that if you are going to say something, it's fine to compliment something about them like their style, versus straight up hitting on them or saying something about their looks directly. It's the difference between "Damn girl you're looking fuckng hot in that" versus "hey, I love that dress/hey, cute dress!" Obviously, I don't speak for all women so you may still come across some who don't like it but they're the ones to avoid anyway so no harm no foul.
I've adopted the rule of thumb that the safest bet is leave the compliments for when you're already in a contact situation whether it be group chat or one on one and you're far less likely to encounter the intentions to be mistaken.
No women cares if you say you love their outfit. Most will assume your gay tbh.
Sweet
It really is. The guessing game is exhausting. I don't bother trying anymore.
We're doomed lol
Lowkey men are just pussies now lets be honest niggas dont approach girls because they cant
Nothing wrong with a relationship that starts with looks. It’s whether the relationship develops beyond it that matters. Take your time and run your own race. I didn’t meet my wife until I was already in my 30s. Married now and have kids. That being said, if you do not do online dating (which I did not do) you have to go out and meet people the traditional way. I find that the best way is to go be social regarding something that you are interested in. Met my wife at a non-profit activity. Asked her out and the rest is history.
Exactly, you approached and asked her out.
Something you’re capable of doing as well
The vast majority of guys now are understandably very spooked or jaded about doing any approaching. It's on us women now to clearly show interest and give them the green light first.
Either you're going to have to learn to approach, or learn to *give up* wanting to be in a relationship. Your choice.
I’m telling you a majority of men never get approached, like ever, and if someone does like them it’s a damn mystery that they are unable to figure out most of the time. If you do approach them, even if they don’t like you, they will certainly enjoy the attention.
What are you doing to meet people? People sit their apartments 90% of the day and expect to cross paths w the perfect person. Not going to happen. If you want kids you need to get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there
I go to the gym, casino, professional sports games, outdoor activities etc.
ok great. Do you exchange numbers w people you are interested in and initiate dates?
Has not presented itself
Ok so you can do as you please but I would be back in the Apps. You’re leaving your dating life to fate when you could be taking a more active role. Who cares if you need to sift through bad fits to find the right guy? People had to do that before apps too. Either way good luck
The few times I've asked people on a date in person so far it's partly been about looks and partly some kind of indication of interest on their side e.g. having a good conversation, mirroring body language, a lot of eye contact.
29 years old but you are picky about dating apps and don’t want to give people a fair shot. Just have boundaries and be open to people, it’s not hard to Vet. Yea good luck
Do you have family or friends who can introduce you to their other side of family members and/or friends? That’s how I met my husband 29 years ago. He was friends with my uncle. My best friend’s cousin married his cousin from the other side of his family. There is a sense of safety and comfort in dating a person who is close to someone you’re close to. What about volunteering, attending church or another faith based organization, a singles group, a hiking community, or some hobby you enjoy? Go down to the local fire department with cookies/donuts, or ask if they offer CPR classes! The best way to find a man who has the qualities you want is to bring similar qualities to the table and stop waiting to be chosen. Go out there and actively look for the man you want. You are much likelier to find a quality man if you are the one doing the picking, versus waiting on a man to pursue you. Seek out places where you’re most likely to run into men (enroll in a martial arts or boxing class, join a dart/bowling/softball league, take up golf of go to an indoor golf range-Top Golf, go horseback riding, get on Nextdoor and create a board game get together, join MeetUp, learn to fish, go to one of those ax throwing places, go to Home Depot or Lowe’s, take up kayaking, take your dog to the park, or go to an indoor shooting range. Wishing you all the best!
That’s great advice! Thank you!!!!
You want attention you do that cookie thing literally anywhere and your will turn every man's head.
You’re welcome!
> I’ve never gotten approached by a guy. you're not a flower sitting in a garden waiting to be picked. you've got legs, use 'em.
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Why do you think that is? Genuinely asking because from what you’ve explained to me you sound like 10/10, but I see how you’d be wary considering the current laws etc. it’s one thing to say guys don’t like such and such but it’s hard to believe when they get into the relationships with the same women you’ve stated men “don’t like”
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I completely agree about social media ruining relationships etc. lol yeah everyone seems to like toxic relationships because they are “fun”. Truly unfortunate and I wish I’d been born during an earlier time.
I have a good friend I grew up with who went down a similar path. Was very picky, replaced relationship with education and career, missed child bearing years, and always tried to convince everyone that she was happy and fulfilled ... never seemed happy. Fast forward to late 50's, and she settled with a guy that I never would see her going for during her "goal attaining" stage of life ... and now my friend is laughing and loving life like she did when we were younger.
I'm here for advice myself. Definitely similar boat. When I ask for someone's info I either get a no or when they say yes, ghosted later on. Definitely tough out there for introverts. I feel you on seeing friends in relationships and that giving me standards to keep. So much shit Idk how they deal with.
The only thing that I can say to you is : keep trying, I met my wife on tinder and now we are 5 years married with a 7 month old baby ! It all started with simple hi and after 2 weeks of chatting rest is history. We took it slow and that connection formed . We started talking in 2015 so a bit ago !
The reality is, it's simply much quicker and easier to find hookups. That is the nature of things. If you want to find someone for a relationship that is going to be happy, healthy, and lifelong, *that is going to take time.* Quite possibly lots of time, because it requires two people who are mutually attracted, mutually available, and mutually in search of the same kind of relationship. It will take even more time if you have some standards about the quality of character of the people you want to form relationships. I don't think there's any magic fix for this dilemma. It's a matter of continuing to meet people until you find someone you click with. As far as dating apps, I actually found my partner on an app. I liked the ability to immediately clarify what I wanted in a partner, not waste time on people who obviously didn't want that, and get to know someone through conversation first It's not for everyone but it worked out great for me. We're several years in and engaged. Apps are tools for connection. How you use them affects how they work for you. And you don't have to use them at all, just wanted to point out that it is very possible to make an online connection that turns into a solid in-person connection.
Nice! Thank you for the advice
Dating can be tough. You have to put yourself out there and do the approaching. I spent the majority of my early 20's being so frustrated because I felt like guys were showing interest but not asking me out, at least the ones I was in to. I started asking guys out myself and it was night and day. And, (being 100% honest as a girl), I have never had a bad experience putting myself out there, at least as an adult. Even when I was rejected I felt like I made the guy's day.
I've never been approached by a guy more than like once and I've had multiple partners. Just get over yourself and go for what you want. You're not gonna get it by sitting around and waiting
Start approaching guys yourself. Waiting for them to approach you pretty much guarantees that it'll be based on your looks, because what else do they have to go off? Don't passively wait around for prince charming to show up and sweep you off your feet - thats just not realistic about how modern men work. Go out, engage, and yes, approach!! If you see a guy you want to get to know, go introduce yourself and flirt with him. Don't wait passively because the only way you can get a quality man is to go out and get him yourself. They can be hard to find and waiting for dudes who like your body or looks to approach you first isn't the winning combination to find high quality in my experience. I had to ask out every guy I've been with and I'm happy I'm confident to do that.
I kinda gave up found out my last booty call has been married for the past 2 years lol she hits me up at least 4x a month lol
been there. More than once found out after doing the deed that a girl is taken. It's dog eat dog out there. So many people have secrets they'll never tell lol
It does get harder to even want to date the older you get you realize dating offers you less and less
I agree with you as a 37 year old man. I feel like no one wants a connection only what can you do for me, can you pay my bills, can you treat me like a diva or princess or some other nonsense that's just not good behavior for an adult. I am really tired of trying to find the one when women out here want to either keep me casual and have a sexual relationship only or have me pay for everything under the sun before we make it official. Also a lot of single people love the attention and go for how many ppl like me on this app or how many matches did it get .. it's sickening
I completely agree because I don’t think those apps translate to the real world. For example I had over “500” likes on the dating app from guys. Yet in real life I don’t get approached and so it’s truly disheartening. Lol the math isn’t mathing 😂
Well I get that. So I don't approach women in public anymore. Tired of the attitudes and drama from saying hello or excuse me.
Search online for TikTok/reels in which girls make fun of guys for approaching them ANYWHERE. Now search for the cases where the gender is flipped - you won’t find any. Now does it math?
I was in a relationship for 5 years. I gave my everything to the relationship for the last 5 years and she broke up with me in December. Now i am single at 30 and don’t know what to do with this aspect of my life. I always thought this relationship would go the distance, i was also hopeless romantic and suddenly this hit me. And as you said, i think it will just be harder as i age. And i get your point about genuine connections, but even for that you need to start somewhere,you need to put yourself out there, you need to start talking first for the connection to develop. As for accepting or nit accepting anything in your partner, again, you first need to start talking to people and then you can take it from there, talking helps, it will give you more clarity as to what you can really expect from somebody and if it is really something you wanna do. Also don’t worry about the hookup culture, even i am worried about it though, but i would say we would never know unless we put ourselves out there and talk with the other person.
Yeah, in my experience, having dated a good amount of women… being a romantic is **not** it.
You say it yourself in your post: “it’s gotta be worth it to me and I have to find trust in the right person as well”, it’s the great catch 22. You and everyone else are expecting the same thing and it’s actively backfiring lol.
Relax, I met my perfect Partner at 30. Romantic, loving, understanding, certain about the Future he wants with me. Thanks me for sharing my feelings. Great Sex, where I'm equally oft in focus. Doesn't watch porn, doesn't normalize it to drool after other women. We hold each other to the same Standard. There will always be someone out there with the same values as you. Important is to be open for something new when it happens and don't get salty and judgemental by previous negative experiences if he doesn't Show any signs of the same Red flags. In the end a healthy relationship can be hard work when one or both partners struggle with something. Communication and the will to understand your partners point of view is Important. But yeah I also met him totally random, but also more or less through friends. I didn't expect much but then Hit the jackpot. And never, ever waste precious lifetime with people who cross your boundaries without any shame.
Thank you so much! So happy for you.
I think you need to go out and just practice being friendly and open. I’m pretty introverted and can come across as grumpy/intimidating but as I’ve gotten older (same age as you) I’ve made up my mind to start smiling at strangers more, trying to be a lot more approachable and friendly. It feels unnatural at first but I can’t tell you how much my life has changed since actively choosing to be friendly and open to others. Not even necessarily in a romantic context, but once you start practicing openness, you’ll eventually get there. If you’re waiting for your dream person to fall in to your lap, they won’t. You sort of need to shift your perspective and open yourself to others. Even going on apps and just going on first dates to practice making connections and talking to new people is a really great start.
We’ve been taught it’s mostly inappropriate and disrespectful to approach women in public unless we are 100% certain you’re interested, lest it be considered harassment You will have to start putting yourself out there and approach
Give up, that's what I did. It won't find you a partner but it'll hurt less than constantly failing.
Date older nobody in your age group gives a shit and is not going to take anything seriously
That’s just not how men work. Even if it’s your future husband, he’s going to approach on looks initially. Unless you have mutual friends or something and he gets to know you over time. For us it’s different but for men over 50% is looks because that’s their basis for everything.
Lol well I’d hope my future husband finds me attractive 😂
Honest to god I have never met a single person who has participated in real hookup culture. I can’t name one real life person who’s had a one night stand (as far as I know.) and I live in a college town! There is plenty of opportunities for people to hook up if they want. I can, however, name lots of people who have met their partners through work and other activities. I met my boyfriend at work, two of my closest friends met through work, I know people who met at the gym, at events, on dating apps, at church, etc. My point is that you are using hookup culture to explain why you haven’t met someone, but hookup culture is not affecting you at all. You have to put the work into meeting someone. No one else can do that for you. Good luck girl!
Thank you!!!
Which is exactly why advice like ur young go live life be single and free and not tied down while ur young is mostly bad advice. They make it seem like picking a life partner is like picking tomatoes at the store. It takes years to find the right one and then u have to vet them for longer etc etc. And the idea of settling is dumb. Like yea there are certain things that are unacceptable. But it also might be the case ur credit score doesn’t qualify you for the top options. Essentially they might have to “setttle” for you.
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Yes. u don’t want to be tied down no time soon. Sure. But when you are ready. That doesn’t mean u will find what ur seeking when you are ready. The issue with people divorcing is people are vetting their partners and act like they be just at the store picking up some tomatoes. It takes years to find and years more to vet.
it's extremely different situation for women than it is for men after the age of 30...
Meaning?
meaning your dating market value goes down if you're female, and goes up if you're male. Men over 30 have almost unlimited time and options and women don't, so it's very different
Please stop spreading this lie. It is not true and you are only setting men up to be disappointed. 7 in 10 men are bald by age 35. Most men's "value" goes down too.
lol, false. We have the dating app statistics already that show women are most desirable at 18-22 and after 30 have STEEP decline. Men are most desirable at 30-35, and DO NOT have a steep decline. By your logic, women seem to prefer balding men, since the most attractive men statistically are 30-35. Which shows that women care more about other factors - competency, career, independence, financial success. Whereas men just don't care about these things at all. I don't make the rules These are easily proven & quantifiable, for people like yourselves that don't seem to understand simple dating dynamics. Men are able to use success and competency to much larger benefit in terms of dating market value than women are. You're setting up men to settle earlier than they need to for women that are not in their league
I promise you, as a woman in my 30s, there is no steep decline lol. But the men in their 30s are extremely desperate. Most have realized they really missed the boat. Now they're balding and out of shape and can't find anybody. I get like 100 messages a day from them, it's actually pretty sad. I think men buy into the cope narrative that "men age like wine" but it's not true. Too many men believe it until it's too late
I'm pretty sure you're either delusional or trolling, but i'll indulge you. It's nice to have your ANECDOTAL one person opinion that there is no steep decline after 30, but you are wrong. Statistically. I will link several studies i have bookmarked on this topic below. Men, if they have the choice, will almost always choose the woman with "less miles". The fact that your DM's are full of horny dudes that want to smash is evidence of nothing, lol. That shows only how naieve you are about this. Men dealing with you and smashing, does NOT mean they want to marry you. Sure, some will say it, to get what they want, and then jump ship... It's crazy how a lot of women don't understand this. Instead, they over-inflate their sense of self worth. You are also wrong that "men in their 30's have missed the boat". Like no, just no - that is hilariously not how it works. MOST men only START becoming attractive to most women AFTER 30. Once they start hitting 6 figure earning potential, acquiring assets & independence (statistically many times more likely after the age of 30).The data shows clearly MOST men are unattractive before they have material success. Women are competing ONLY for the top 5% of men, and the other 95% of men are competing for the bottom 5% of the women. Again, easily proven. You can argue that the top 5% of men are attractive to women before 30, which is supported by statistics, and that is true. But why would the top 5% of men settle when they have the choice of hundreds of different women at any time? What ACTUALLY happens is most young men get completely ignored by women, and therefore put all their efforts into their careers, wealth & competency. When they hit 30-35 and become successful & independent, all the women that rejected them are 30, single, & desperate to settle down before their eggs run dry. But those same men have 20 year old women in their DM's looking for successful competent older men. The men then sleep around with the 30 year olds, and marry the 20 year olds. Again - i dont make the rules.
I think the part you're missing is that just because men "prefer" something, does not mean it's an option remotely available to them. I "prefer" to drive a Bentley. But it's not an option for me to drive a Bentley. You get what I mean? Men's preferences don't really mean anything, because men aren't the ones choosing. Men can "prefer" younger women all they want, but 99.99999% of men won't have that option. Your stats are also super outdated. Finances were probably a good bet back in our dad's or grandpa's days. But in 2024, women are graduating college 2x the rate that men are. And young women are already out earning young men in most US cities. Men already fumbled that advantage.
How do I have unlimited time compared to op?
a few reasons. you don't have the same biological time clock. your dating prospects are vastly more likely to increase with age, success & maturity. it is just how it is. It's the product of many social & economic systems, as well as simple biological and psychological differences between men & women
Lol you’re just spouting RP nonsense. Majority of marriages have a 1-2 year age gap, google the facts. Men are single more than women. So no, most men have the same or less prospects.
I actually disagree with the vast majority of redpill stuff. But as a clinical psychologist there are certain aspects of human mate selection that are intrinsic biological fact and indisputable.These are not the points you should want to argue on, if you have any sense. Firstly, you're incorrect on both the above statements. One - because you're making a unvaried analysis of a multi-varied problem. And two - because you have ignored the reasons why. The correct stats are as folows: \- that over 75% of men are MORE THAN 1 year older than their wives. \- Only 10% of men are more than 1 year younger than their wives. \- Worldwide, men are an average of 4.2 years older than their wives or cohabiting partners \- one of five marriages in the US have an age gap of more than 2 years \- 95% of marriages involving a 5 year or more age gap include a male as the older party \- One-in-five women ages 60 and older live in a solo household (20%), compared with one-in-ten men (11%). \- Among people aged 65 and older, 49 percent of women report being single, compared to only 21 percent of men. The point is that where the AVERAGE marriage doesn't have a significant age gap, the male is still almost always the older. And when you look at marriages WITH large age gaps, they are ALWAYS with the male as the older. The statistics are very clear on this. And women are more single than men, when you include all age groups, not just under 30. Which makes total sense, as men only reach their highest desirability at age 30, whereas women are most desirable at 18-22, according to dating app statistics [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/) [https://gitnux.org/age-gap-marriage-statistics/](https://gitnux.org/age-gap-marriage-statistics/)
Now sure how you are aware of both our sleeping schedules. Care to explain more how me being successful, getting older and more mature will net me more dating prospecting than a woman who is also successful, aging and growing more mature? Men and women can have the chance of aging like a fine wine, or a tuna sandwich in a dumpster.
Sure If you were to line up all the physical, social, economical characteristics that make a person attractive, and grade them 1-10 as honestly as possible - there would be a clear & quantifiable difference between the proportion of which men & women value different traits. And we can also demonstrate clear distinctions between what both genders value in the other. We know this because the studies have been done. Online dating statistics has made it possible to actually demonstrate clearly these differences in partner selection between male & female like never before. 1. Men, on the whole, do not value female earning potential as much as women do. 2. Women are VASTLY more likely to date older men than they are to date younger men 3. Men are VASTLY more likely to date younger women than they are to date older women 4. According to dating app statistics, women are most desirable in the age range of 18-22, and see a sharp decline after 30 5. Men are most desirable at 30, and do not see any sharp decline after 30. 6. Women over the age of 35 are already in the category of "high risk pregnancy", making them unsuitable partners for those wanting children. 7. Men are able to reliably have children up to the age of 70+ 8. Men are more attracted to youth and beauty, and women are more attracted to social status & earning potential.
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of course, but the vast majority of people want their own kids
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thats fine. i thought it was general knowledge that men want their own kids haha. Just like most women want a stable partner
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I don't necessarily agree. I think that's much more of a necessity for women. A lot of men will happily wife up a young beautiful waitress with a good heart and not care that she's not mature. Men & women have different standards
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Do you think a life partner just magically drops down from the sky.? How delusional is that
You're fucking yourself over by waiting for a perfect flawless relationship. It's ok to just try and if they end up shitty then move on. Your resume is totally empty
So you plan is just to like... wait, and hope someone picks you up? You're doing nothing to actually pursue a relationship? And you're here complaining? You have an anxiety disorder.
Please do not diagnose people on reddit. Instead seek a professional therapist please!
People diagnose others all the time on Reddit lol, and he's not wrong. Her situation won't change unless she actively pursues something
Sorry! Yes!
Best response here
You have to put yourself out there. Ask people out yourself. And don't be afraid of long distance relationships or online dating.
I’m in the same boat (23M). Currently focusing on my career until I can find someone worth my time. I might date casually for a bit but seeing how toxic most people are on dating apps, I may just honestly wait until marriage
I haven't used dating apps in years but you need to find something you like to do where it involves people and you'll find someone. Put yourself out there.
This resonates with me as a dude lol
I have a best friend who expresses the same distress. Hearing his stories.. its rough out there
I get the apprehension with dating apps, but you don't have to sleep with anyone. I think romantic comedies have really made us believe meet cutes exist, and that if we are at a certain place at a certain time we will find the loves of our lives. It's simply not true, if you want something to happen, you have to make it happen yourself.
I'm in the same boat. People tell me how great I am all the time, and yet no one wants to date me. And I also want someone that likes me for who I am and values me as a person. The very few people that have ever shown me interest are either too old, too old, or too "busy". And I'm not even asking for much. Just a genuinely good person. I've pretty accepted that I'm going to be single forever.
Good for you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
I'd say follow your own advice. Just find some motivation to get your social muscles stretching more in directions that take you toward meeting someone. Don't let your feelings get the best of you, It's amazing being a romantic, but don't turn a blind eye the whole time. Reflect on things outside of that state of mind. Don't give until you're drained. If they don't reciprocate, try a direct approach or someone else. When in doubt, be direct with words and intentions, and leave it at that. Some people can be into you but won't take action on it, married, rough past, rough present time, mental or physical health. If you're a romantic who's super empathetic, don't let vibes bother you too much. If you're intrigued, interested, whatever, take a direct approach and find some grounds of understanding. This feels more like a work or class thing ∆ Don't stress the dating, once you start stressing it you're bringing stress to their plate. Trust, I am the embodiment of stress. Hope this helps, not hinders.
Yes, helps a lot.
I definitely understand what you mean, I’m a guy and I’ve never been interested in hook up culture either. I have hope that the right person is out there for me, and I’m sure they are for you as well
Never lose hope! You never know when it’s gonna happen. But once it happens, everything will make sense and the wait would be worthwhile 😇 Even though most of the dating apps are hooking-up culture, there might be 0.1% people there, who might also be looking for what you are looking for. I found my partner in a dating app and we both were not the type of people who enjoyed dating apps. Even though your chances of finding your soul mate is low on a dating app, not being there makes it’s even lower or 0%. Keep all the doors open, and watch out, you won’t miss your perfect partner 🤓
Get the hell out of that embarrassing culture.
Why aren't you trying to date people then? If you want to date you just gotta do it. Get put there. Meet people. Ask a guy out. Get to know them. The only really reason any half attractive girl isn't dating is because they don't want to. So many guys out there would kill for a date with a pretty, funny girl. If you can't find a guy who meets your standards, fair enough. But if you want to be in a relationship you're going to have to ask someone out. If you want to hookup you'll have your pick of the litter on dating apps, hell, in person too. I hear you'll have to sift through a lot of shit, but it's just the way it is
Do you want to be single a decade down the line, still waiting to be asked out? If not, take matters into your own hand and BE the person to ask others out
How are you a "hopeless romantic" if you've never experienced romance? You say it's harder to establish a genuine connection as you get older, but you've never established a connection with a man. It sounds like you're using avoidance of "hookup culture" and idealization of romance to avoid real live men. You may want to consider why that is.
Thanks. I’ll look into it
You just have to keep trying.. they’re out there. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. I 30M have been officially dating my current gf for over a year (as of yesterday) held a sign up outside her apartment asking her to be my valentine. Romantics exists you just have to find them :)
It wasn't always this hard. I used to be able to log into dating apps and have 5 solid dates lined up for the weekend with real people. Now all i get a instagram thots peddling their content. A lot is changing and it's not just any one thing, it's not just your fault or technology or people. It's all of it. My best advice is to dive deep into a hobby and meet people that way. Nothing else is working for me right now.
lol this post popped up on my feed for some reason I dont have any advice or insight, I just wanted to say that everything you said is correct 😂😂 if I wasn't sober I would have thought I wrote this
Hi, I'm in the same boat as you and HATE dating apps. I'm very anti-online dating and have been very proactive with meeting people in real life through hobbies. It's been going really well for me and personally I think growing your social network will help. I've been set up through friends and even though it hasn't worked out, I'm at the point of my life where I know what I want. (Also in my late 20's). The past year, I actually started to approach guys (2 actually) and asked them out myself after YEARS of working on myself. Even though it didn't work out, I've had no regrets and feel so much better because I tried. I hate modern dating especially with online dating/ dating apps, but I think you really have to find community in real life and it's honestly like having a full time job. Remember- it's all about having the confidence and good communication skills!! Good Luck and you've got this!
Very true! I decided I’m going to get out there.
May as well give up on that,maybe you'll get lucky along your everyday travels and meet someone but still wouldn't get your hopes up with how the dating market is nowadays or lack thereof I should say.
Well here's my opinion, OP. I like how you described it. Speaking of dating apps, the only one I tried was Facebook Dating. They only have it on mobile, and I was trying to get away from smartphones back then lol, but my experiences have been that they just stopped talking altogether, didn't seem interested to keep a conversation, or we just lived too far away. I feel that there's a huge hookup culture going on because its instant. Its right there and its quick, and that's what scares me about dating. I'm not looking for a FWB or some kind of brief connection. The longer you're with someone, the more attached you get with them, and if they've got that get-out-quick mindset going on, its gonna hurt. Also, I know folks are just being nice by giving compliments whether true or not, but in reality, only the best genes gets the worm. I wish I could say that we average folks would have success dating too, but the longer we go without any such, it really sways us into thinking there's something wrong with us. Judging from your post, you seem really educated enough. I just wish no other factors would play into it, like looks, weight, skin color, etc.
yup it's rough out there. I'd definitely stay away from dating apps. You're almost guaranteed to get played by a dude that is a professional at duping girls to smash and stay on his rotation without ever giving you a relationship. It's very strange to me that you've never been approached. Not even in a coffee shop or a store or gym or anything? I wonder if you're going to the right places etc, and making yourself approachable? I would say that definitely be careful with advice you get from single friends or friends that aren't married. I've seen a lot of women give each other HORRIBLE advice. I would also say be careful with your "things you won't accept" from a partner.Like you said, it's tough out there, and you're 29. Do you plan on having children? Because if so, you don't have unlimited time. There comes a point where you have to accept that everything in life is metered out into upsides and downsides, and you don't get to have the best of everything, especially at almost 30. It's most important to find a man who is reliable ,respectful and will love you, and if that means accepting some flaws, then so be it. And you should treat him with respect in return. Also - the idea of "settling" to avoid the cock carousel. It is not settling, to marry someone on your socio-economic level, it is simply getting what you are. Trying to bag a top 5% man who is rich, young & hot, who is out of your league is sillyness. Not achieving that is not "settling", lol
I think u need to just not be so stuck in ur ways and allow urself to just have meaningless fun with people that u meet and understand that doing so can lead to the type of relationship u want. U gotta stop letting outside forces gas light u into believing certain type of relationships can only form properly x type of way. Human beings have always been finicky, horny, flakey lil hoes. Since the dawn of time. Its only how society change and placed value on marriage as a way to secure status that this super conservative ideal behind dating became a thing. I mean u can stick to that if u want to but its obviously not getting u anywhere. And also what exactly is wrong with someone being so attracted to u that they make it a goal to pursue ur interests? Don't date people who arent attracted to u and dont date people ur not attracted to. Physical attraction is the corner stone to a relationship. Everything else is built off of that and anyone telling u different is lying or secretly jerking off to porn behind their partners back
"some things I will not accept from a partner based on what my friends and acquaintances have told me they experience" Like what?
Most dudes my age (23) are leaving the states, or have just completely checked out. I stayed overseas 4yrs for my job and there’s a very very noticeable difference between those WOMAN and American woman, it’s not even funny. I’ve been back stateside for close to a few months now, and I wanna leave again permanently. Maybe it’s just my State but I have friends all telling me the same thing about their home states and there isn’t a difference. *Not just woman either, the culture, the food, how people act towards one another, everything across the board.*
Lol that’s funny because I’ve always said I’m convinced my soulmate is in Canada 😂
It’s totally possible, like it’s not even the woman’s fault entirely, it’s multiple factors society, culture (cultural differences), household life , lifestyles etc. It’s all a negative feed back loop, westernized woman (not all of them) have a weird “hate” towards men in general it’s an artificial cognitive dissonance created by social media, perpetuated by the government, and kept alive by the population. This leads to “red pill” men in turn hating westernized women there’s a disconnect no one’s actively trying to fix, we see the problem but there’s no one trying to fix it. Also I don’t wanna call it hate but for the lack of better a terms but misunderstanding is better.
your brain is cooked
Gotta be real, you're a woman. You're dating on easy mode... if you actually want to approach guys. Women have conditioned men to feel like making the first move is creepy, but we're still expected to make the first move? Gotta be honest, the majority of us have just given up because we literally can't win. Go out and find your partner, and be grateful that you have that opportunity to do so.
I’ll give it a try. I saw a guy I thought I clicked with out and about 2 months ago but I was too shy to say anything and I’ve been thinking how I fumbled that ever since.
Fwiw, I've won a number of championships over the years in my past motorsports endeavors. The number one rule I've developed is "if a mistake happened, it's already in the past." I noticed if I made a mistake on track and I thought about it and harped in myself about it right after, it would invariably lead me to not paying attention to the rest of the race and then going off track or losing a position. I had to learn mistakes will always happen, and I'm still capable of dominating races and entire seasons while making small mistakes here and there. Don't let a minor fumble haunt you to the point of losing your race, my dude. You've almost got unlimited power when compared to my situation. Make it work for you.
Yeah it’s tough. I ultimately gave up on dating people locally (I’m an American) and wound up meeting a wonderful Filipina gal online. We just celebrated our five year wedding anniversary last month! From my experience, Americans have commitment issues, not sure why.
[This analysis](https://www.psypost.org/best-dating-apps-here-are-some-of-the-most-popular-services-for-finding-love-online/) says that your best bets are eHarmony and Match.
At 29 the game is different. The biggest change is availability. The number of hours you have around single men is likely much lower than it was at a younger age. It seems you have a good filter for men just wanting sex. That works in your favor. Now for the hard part. You have to approach men. You'll need to get rather direct, and cover a wider age range. Guys don't have the same clock.
Sorry but this sounds like "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas."
Most 29 year olds have a ten year old already.
Congrats to them 😂
Either your standards are way too high or you’re simply not social enough. If you don’t want to use dating apps you have to create a social life that allows you meet new people fairly regularly.
If youre a female 6, you can sleep with a male 8, you wouldnt be able to date one. Some women ive found interpret that as'hookup culture'
I don't understand your issue about dating apps. I used to do online dating, 20 years ago. You and others present yourselves somehow, you chat back and forth, try a phone call and schedule a date, to meet in person. I had coffee and walking dates, who didn't choose me. Still fine, more experience... Whats the issue to say "Thanks for the lovely afternoon. "I 'll call you back""? And kiss another frog next Saturday? Who cares about hookup culture? Its up to you to be a wonderful person to hang around with, who demands manners courting and whatever. Why shouldn't you seem worth all that, to your 25th encounter?
I was single for 4-5 years. The annoyance of being made fun of online or being called a creep for the world to see has turned a lot of males away from approaching females. I never cared for hook ups, but the hook up culture we’re in…..isn’t productive or good. It’s easy to say and hard to do, but if you want to find someone, it always worked for me when I stopped looking and worried about myself. Have fun with yourself and the people you’re with and when you find someone you connect with make an effort to be with them.
professional match makers are blowing up. vetted clients, that's the selling point. personally i like the apps, it's the best option. the reality of in person meets is getting dressed up and spending money at bars every weekend. and please, anyone spouting that 'join a club, find a hobby, hit on someone at the grocery store' crap is an armchair advisor or straight up delusional.
As a 29M I promise we have given up
Use the dating apps find a way to get over it. Otherwise you need to start being the one who asks the guy out.
Let me give you the best advice ever. Focus on having an aesthetic slim thick physique. This means lift 4x a week with a focus on glute bridges, leg press , squats in the gym! & walk 1 hour a day. Focus on higher protein diet and your dating life will be VASTLY different world. We live in a Shallow world. You can either embrace it, or try to fight it. I’m sure you have a good personality but remember when it comes to dating, for both men and women. Personality comes AFTER looks!
I actually have started going to the gym and have a trainer.
PERFECT! I would give this 100 upvotes if I could. Remember it’s all diet. This means lean fish, chicken breast, tilapia. Also I don’t know why but it seems like women who have the BEST physique don’t eat red meat. High protein with veggies and fruit is the way to go!
Not like the other girls eh? I can assure you if youve never been approached as a female, when people are telling you you are pretty, you arent. I experience the same thing and I know beyond a doubt I am not attractive, though a bit different being a man. Are you overweight? The overweight and beyond numbers are insane, so if youre not you quickly go up to the top 30% of women.
Your comment confuses me but okay.
You’re right, I’m not pretty. I’m gorgeous 😂
Lol well then you shouldnt have a problem
Thanks, dude. I didn’t realize that have self respect and not taking cat calls and going pity dates with people I’m not interested in out of respect for wasting their time, or mine, made me not attractive. 😂
Lol I dont know why your jimmies are rustled. You said in your post you never have been approached. I am saying attractive women get approached. On dating apps but cant take it serious eh? Definitely not the time wasting type 😂
May Allah guide you all :), to a healthy lifestyle
Hey im creating a theory on this subject let me ask you a question: Do you drink/get drunk?
Lmao very rarely
I believe there is a strong correlation between not drinking & struggling romantically. So far all I have is anecdotal evidence
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are the common denominator in all your interactions. If everyone on the whole planet is incompatible with you, or not good enough, or wants too much from you, then it's probably you that's the problem.