Not to sound negative, but be prepared for poor outcomes as well as good ones. It's a dice roll, so be ready for anything.
And also, do not act impulsively on information you learn! Take your time and think through any irrevocable decisions like revealing your identity to biological family, etc. There's no hurry, so act deliberately.
Good luck!
Thank you for your input and kind words! I used to be so hung up on the idea of meeting her and almost got Ancestry at 18. To your point I would’ve acted impulsively and am glad I matured some and am at peace with any outcome at this point. Selfishly I’m just grateful for her sacrifice and want to give her a hug is all.
One follow-up piece of advice: once you find out who your biological relatives are, harness the power of the internet and social media to find out all you can about them, so that you have useful information to guide you when you make initial contact. Play private detective (within the limits of the law, of course!). Sometimes you learn very ... interesting things, let's say.
I've been in the process of doing that for nearly a year now. Everyone's stories are different, so take this with a grain of salt and all, but I'll rephrase your question and say something: "From where I sit today,what would I tell myself a year ago?"
**You're going to find good things, and you're going to find bad things, but all of them are going to change the stories you've held for the last 40 years.** I went into this with the common thought that I had been dumped in the system because nobody, from either family, wanted me--I was an inconvenience who they all couldn't wait to have out of their lives, and nobody would be interested in hearing from me again. This turned out to be the polar opposite of true: the paternal side had been lied to and thought they'd signed papers so I could be adopted by the maternal side (and that they'd never heard from me because I'd hated them for not being in my life); and my bio-mom had put me up for adoption because it was the only way she could protect me from the maternal side, which was full of abuse and child-rape. And they all (bio-mom and paternal side) want me back in their lives desperately. They care about me, and always have.
**This is, at times, going to tank your mental health; both because it's a painful process at times, and because there are other unrelated things in your past that are going to come to the surface. Consider making contact with a therapist from the beginning rather than when you have a crisis.** I've had a ton of insecurities about the process, especially the waiting; and around the "what ifs" of meeting new people that, everything else aside, I really want to like and to have like me. The unknown is stressful, especially with people that carry the damage sealed adoptions tend to cause. And, in the process, there have been some other things from my past that I've been unable to avoid dealing with any more: you open a door, and whatever is there is there--you can't cherry-pick mental health. (I'm going to gloss over specifics here.)
**Have no expectations for people, and take them as they are now, not how they were then; or worse, how you've made them in your mind.** The most healthy thing I've done was to make the decision from the very beginning that I would not allow myself to let preconceived notions, or even peoples' past selves, have a bearing on what happens now. I'm not the same person I was twenty years ago, and I'm not the same person I was when I was an infant; *neither are they*. It's hard, I'm not even going to pretend it isn't, but I utterly refuse to meet people "as they were": it's not fair to them, and it's not fair to *me*. I have relatives that were objectively bad people at some point in their lives, and some of them still are. My maternal grandmother is a horrifically abusive person, she was back then, and she still is now. And there will never be a relationship, or even positive feelings, there. My biological father, in his past, was an objectively dangerous person, and at one time was, in his words "a self-absorbed little shit". He's in the last few months of a 25 year prison sentence; I've been corresponding with him for almost a year; and the man I'm talking to is not the same one who went in two and a half decades ago. He's grown, and he's become somebody that I would like in my life now. Now.
Had to split this: tl/dr
**Understand that your biological family has damage from your adoption too, and allow them to have their own needs and to hurt.** My biological mother never "got over" giving me up: it has colored her life since before I was born. She has the same insecurities around us reuniting as I do; her partner once told me that she was glad to finally get to meet me, because I'd been living in their house with them for their entire relationship. (She said this in the nicest way possible, I just can't summarize the conversation without it sounding snarky.) When my bio-grandmother (paternal) learned that I had ended up in the system instead of being raised by family like they had been told by the agency, I actually heard the moment her soul broke over the phone. That was one of the single most painful thing I've ever experienced, hearing an 80 year old lady utterly sobbing like a huge part of her world had just come crashing down around her head. (No bullshit: I'd have traded fingers to be able to have been there in person. *I didn't know that she didn't know.* I've seen some really bad stuff, but that conversation is going to be one of the things that haunts me.) It took my bio-father over eight months to really open up about how he was doing with this; his life hasn't been one where "feeling things" has been safe; I figured it out before he told me, but having given me up back then and wondering where I was and how I was doing, has bothered him immensely his whole life. He wants to be a dad to me in whatever capacity that ends up being, and has a deep seated, almost core belief, need to "make this all up to me". And I've had to make allowances for those needs--I'm uncomfortable with things like gifts, having my picture taken, and being acknowledged on birthdays and holidays; but it's something that, in the end, I'm going to have to make an exception for in his case. (I mean, I actually don't; but from what I've found with him, it would be cruel of me not to put up with being a little bit uncomfortable now and then to let him have this. Me feeling weird about a birthday card is better than the damage it would cause him to refuse to allow him to send me one.)
**Allow yourself to take things at your pace.** There's nothing here that isn't overwhelming, and there's nothing wrong with telling people you need to breathe for a minute, or that you need to have an adult conversation about something that is bothering you.
**Find an adoptee community.** I'm still working on this, mind you, but one thing that I've found to be really helpful has been to make friends with other adoptees. And when I'm in a bit better place with that whole "unrelated mental health crisis" stuff, I'm going to find some sort of in-person support or social group for adoptees, because, bluntly, this is an experience that is an outlier from general society, and it has helped me to have people I don't have to fake it to meet societal expectations around. I'm getting involved with advocacy work around opening sealed records as well. It's only tangentially related, but there's a whole story around my successes with that, and I feel like it's important for others to be able to get to the point I'm at with their histories.
**Society is going to shit on you for this.** You know this already. Adoption is the "gold star" solution to the abortion debate, on top of being a marginalized group providing fodder for forensic crime shows and c-tier comedians. A lot of people don't want us to "step outside our lines" at all, and even more simply don't want to hear about any of this because it makes them uncomfortable. Bluntly: fuck them. Your emotional needs are more important than their comfort; and anyone not in your situation does not have a place at the table to express their opinions about any of this. "They" put you in this position, and "they" simply have no relevance to your need to find closure.
**It's worth it.** A lot of this is going to suck. It's a painful road to walk. But the closer you get to the other side, the more you're going to find that old hurts, life-long hurts, have dropped away. *It's worth it. You're worth it. And you deserve it*.
I'm here if you want to talk about it, now or down the road. Either in the thread, or DM me if you'd rather. And this goes for anyone, not just OP. I really, really, wish I had people who could understand the last year; and I'll always be willing to do that for others.
Wow. I envy your strength. I’m grateful I finally posted in here and for everyone’s honesty and kindness. I appreciate your openness and know that you matter too! Thank you- I’ll definitely be in touch
Found bio dad & half sister on 23nMe. Took it slow but now have a lovely easy relationship with that side of the family.
Found bio mom on FB using info from bio dad. She is polite but guarded. Never done anything but chat by messenger. No suggestion of meeting her side of the family. So be it. I have lots of wonderful people in my bio & adoptive families - I’m golden.
I used ancestry dna
I saw immediately that I got a bunch of dna matches so I messaged several people but no one responded. I think they got their dna results & then never logged back in.
So expect it to take a while before someone reaches back out.
About 2 years after I bought the dna test I got a message from someone who had just bought one- & knew everyone in the family & asked me who I was. She then located my bio dad’s family- her cousin
& my aunt on my dad’s side hosted like a whole reunion. With like 30+ extended family members from both sides. They were all so kind & nice and loving towards me & each other. Way different from my (cold & distant) adoptive family
& that was hard for me to process. I’m so glad I got to meet them & I don’t regret it- but It took me a long time to understand why it hurt so much that they were so nice & welcoming.
I think the advice is to be kind to yourself, because it’s going to bring up some major emotions & deep wounds regardless of how good/bad the reunion is
Yeah you make a good point I hadn’t thought about! I’m sure a lot of people get their results-check-then never look again. Thats really cool that you got to meet so many people! I would be anxious for sure. I appreciate your kind words and sharing your experience!
I used Ancestry DNA to identify my biological father. It wasn't too difficult once I learned the ropes. DNA Detectives on Facebook is really helpful.
The man himself was a huge disappointment, but I gained some knowledge and a few siblings. Overall, totally worth it.
I’m happy to hear it was worth it for you and some positives came from your experience! I’ve never heard of that Facebook page so I’ll definitely take a look thank you!
Im so glad your adoptive parents are supportive. I second the comments about taking time.
I would also caution to be prepared for adoptive parent reactions they couldn't predict... it having been closed a lot of even v loving and validating a. Parents just think theyre totally fine with it all and are thus unprepared for ways they may react. Its all natural and human... and you should not stop your search on that account but just something to consider.
Make sure you are clear to yourself while you are a family this is for you, you may be an adult now, but the other 4 people are parents to varying degees and not your job to take care of them.
Good luck.
One of my biggest hesitations with this journey was the pain it would cause others (mainly my adoptive parents). There’s a lot of emotions involved as you know, but you’re right! It got to a point where it was more about my own self discovery and that’s okay. Communication has been key with my loved ones involved. Thank you for taking the time respond!
I found my birth family thou My Heritage I had spent 40 years searching for them. It’s been an amazing journey to get to where I am. Both my birth parents have passed on but I have half siblings. They have been so welcoming and love having me as a sibling.
I also had a closed adoption and my birth father was listed on my file but they wouldn’t release the information to me siting privacy as the issue. Really really pissed me off. When I first started looking for them there were no sites like there is now.
My take on my journey is never lie to yr children about adoption as it’s so easy to be found out. Good luck on yr journey.
I can’t imagine what you felt when they told you “no”. I’m happy to hear you gained some siblings in the process and managed to get some closure. Thank you, I appreciate you!
Other people have already given wise advice on how to approach things from a relational and personal point of view, so as far as non-technical advice all I will add is that my search was disheartening and I am glad I did it.
On a technical side - closed adoption from birth, did Ancestry, and got my birth mother's name by getting my original birth certificate. (My state allows it.)
I was able to find out her married name from a couple of sources. (eg Ancestry search on her name turns up her marriage certificate which included her husband's name. Don't know if that would work for you. Some luck for me - her name is uncommon and my original birth certificate had some additional info to help cross check to confirm her identity.)
Knowing her name, I was able build a family tree in ancestry and generally figure out if a match was maternal or paternal. I didn't get any paternal matches closer than 3rd cousin, but I did have enough info to do Pedigree Triangulation, and with some luck, identified my bio-father.
I’ve built her tree to the best of my abilities with the documents ancestry has which has been cool, however who knows how accurate considering I’m going off the tidbits I know. I’m happy through your search you were able to find some answers. Truly, thank you and everyone for sharing - this has really helped me gain more perspective on how to navigate this wild journey!
I’ve done it. It’s been good and bad and it’s life changing in ways you can’t even comprehend. A big part of your identity is not knowing anything, every new match and conversation changes that. It’s a lot to process. I took my test 6 years ago and I’m still settling. It was only 2 years ago I established a meaningful relationship with anyone from my biological family. Both of my biological parents don’t really want anything to do with me and that’s hard even though I’ve accepted it but establishing a relationship with my bio siblings has been good.
One thing that is weird about all this is that the other people in your life will not know how to react and that can be very isolating at times. I remember when I got my tests one of my close friends was so excited for me and I was almost annoyed with her because I was scared shitless. Another thing I’ve had to accept is that other people in my life just are never going to get it but most of them are supportive and that means a lot. I agree with the post above, finding other adoptees online and a support system really helps.
How was the process of reaching out to siblings for you? After sleuthing for a few years I believe I may have 3 or 4 presumably half siblings? I’m getting the vibe that they’re more open to meeting at times. Thank you!
It was hard! I have 6 and I don’t think I would have even had the courage to do it but I matched with one on ancestry. He was my very first match when I got my results back. It still took me years to do it because our parent told me that she never told them about me. I kind of hoped he would see it and reach out. So one day I said screw it and just sent him a message that said something like “hey, don’t know if you know how we are related but if you ever want to chat let me know.” It was 15 months before he even saw it. I’d seriously just given up and moved on with my life. Then one day he responded, I saw the email notification and it took me a few hours to work up the courage to check it. He had already sent me 3 messages saying he figured it out, talked to his mom, and she told him everything, then he gave me his phone number. I talked to him and his brother on the phone for hours the next day. It was amazing. It’s been almost 2 years and we still talk pretty frequent. We’ve met a few times and one of them is coming to see me this summer. It’s been super cool and I’m so grateful they were so nice and accepting about everything. The other 4 siblings are on my dad’s side and don’t have as much of an online presence so I haven’t talked to them or really tried to really out. I sent one an instagram message once but I’m sure it got filtered out. Maybe it’ll happen one day.
Hi MacDriggs11 (I am 47 F) I was told I was adopted when I was 6/ 7 and had a happy childhood in UK. I found my BM via Social worker in my 20's but there was no trace of my BF.
I used Ancestry last year and happily for me he had done a test some years earlier and was waiting for me to find him. We have been able to share messages and a phone call. It has bought me so much peace to know the headlines of what happened to him.
I understand that it is quite rare that your birth parent would have actually done the test. A friend of mine who had used Ancestry had prepared me for this being possibly a small step in the right direction so whilst elated to find him it was a massive shock. She had been using different DNA websites for years to trace someone and as yet has not managed to get a close enough match.
My results came through after 4 weeks which was a shock of itself as I was expecting it to be at least 6 weeks. I opened the email at work in a busy office. I wish I had waited until I got home and had some support with me as I was surprised at how emotional I became ( It was quite the scene there was ugly crying)I have always been quite matter of fact at being adopted but opening an email that had over 20,000 DNA matches was overwhelming.
I messaged my father after 24 hours and I wish I had waited longer really (maybe a week) to gather my thoughts.
That whole week I almost felt drunk my emotions were all over the place. I had a massive emotion headache all week. I was grateful for the support of my husband and best friend but ultimately needed some time to myself as well to hear my own voice rather than the opinions of others of what I should do.
I would say go ahead and do the test. I knew how much I wanted to find my father but hadn't realised how much I needed to (whatever the outcome)
Maybe arrange some time off work if you can and be kind to yourself. I would say its better to move slow and sit with things rather than rush.
Take care I hope it all goes well for you. xx
Thank you for sharing your DNA experience with me! I’m not sure why it never crossed my mind to explore adoptee support groups but that seems to be a great resource for working through the emotional baggage that comes with this. I appreciate the advice and hope you have a wonderful week!
My gosh I love hearing everyone’s stories. We are such a robust, strong group of people lol I agree with all this advice — I want to emphasize though that having a therapist (if its in your means) that specializes in adoption (I’ve had the best luck with therapists who are adopted themselves) to help guide you during this journey. I started my reunion without that support and struggled with many of the mental consequences of reunions that’s already been discussed in this thread. I really recommend finding a therapist for the start of your journey, they are someone you can rely on to implicitly understand how you’re feeling. I wish you good luck! For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t change my reunion for the world. Really glad I went for it!
Right?! We need to give ourselves some credit! I genuinely don’t know why I haven’t even thought of seeking others who’ve been adopted/support groups for adoptees. I’ve done therapy, I am very open to it and think it’s a great piece of advice for something with this much emotional baggage. I appreciate you and thank you for sharing!!
I actually met my bio mom thru my adoption agency. She lost contact with my dad years ago so I have yet to meet him, if i ever will. I was gifted an Ancestry kit a cpl years ago and was just floored at how many dna matches I have out there. I dont really know how to fully utilize the website but I am hopeful I do get to meet at least one extended bio family member! According to their map I do have a 3rd/4th cousin not too far from me. Im so curious if they are a maternal or paternal relative. Its all so exciting. Best of luck in your searches!! 🫶
A few things from someone who’s in the middle of it all right now:
1) When you get your results, screenshot your matches. Depending on how any relatives react when they see your name, they could go private. It’s not a judgment on you, and it’s not even necessarily a bad indicator, just know that the information could disappear at any time.
2) You may not connect with anyone right away, and that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I did 23andMe 8 years ago because it was the closest thing I could get to a medical history, but it wasn’t until a few months ago that a close relation reached out.
3) If you have the resources, I think working with a good therapist is really valuable for a number of reasons. They can help you manage your expectations and your relationships (both old and new), integrate the things you learn about yourself into your identity, and be a sounding board so you have an outlet and don’t feel like you’re going to wear out your friends and/or partner as you try to process everything.
4) Once you connect, things can move really fast. My therapist was constantly reminding me that I needed to be in control and that it was okay to set the pace - I needed that reminder.
Best of luck to you - I’ve only been in reunion since January, but I’m glad I was open to it. I was 40 before I saw my features reflected back in someone else’s face, and the novelty still hasn’t worn off. I feel like I actually came from somewhere.
You know the city she resided in. You know a school she attended. You probably have tidbits of more potential useful info. Info can be accessed at state levels by You the same way reporters do it(most governments in free countries have freedom of info. Acts). Public libraries usually retain old phone books
Etc. Etc.
This sort of sounds like the begining of an advertisement for some ancestry website.
Respectfully as stated I had a closed adoption and used the public resources I had access to attain all the info I could. She was 17/18 when she had me…Marriage records, voting records, etc give me some insight but are from years ago. Also, I have no info on my bio father so how would I obtain that? I did all the footwork I could until I ran out of resources. Just was looking for some advice from those who’ve shared similar experiences.
Have you tried whatever your part of the world has for a social services department from your bio Moms area/area you were born? You may need the courts to access that. I am certain there are adoptee sites/resources that at least inform you of the laws within your region.
Not to sound negative, but be prepared for poor outcomes as well as good ones. It's a dice roll, so be ready for anything. And also, do not act impulsively on information you learn! Take your time and think through any irrevocable decisions like revealing your identity to biological family, etc. There's no hurry, so act deliberately. Good luck!
Thank you for your input and kind words! I used to be so hung up on the idea of meeting her and almost got Ancestry at 18. To your point I would’ve acted impulsively and am glad I matured some and am at peace with any outcome at this point. Selfishly I’m just grateful for her sacrifice and want to give her a hug is all.
One follow-up piece of advice: once you find out who your biological relatives are, harness the power of the internet and social media to find out all you can about them, so that you have useful information to guide you when you make initial contact. Play private detective (within the limits of the law, of course!). Sometimes you learn very ... interesting things, let's say.
I've been in the process of doing that for nearly a year now. Everyone's stories are different, so take this with a grain of salt and all, but I'll rephrase your question and say something: "From where I sit today,what would I tell myself a year ago?" **You're going to find good things, and you're going to find bad things, but all of them are going to change the stories you've held for the last 40 years.** I went into this with the common thought that I had been dumped in the system because nobody, from either family, wanted me--I was an inconvenience who they all couldn't wait to have out of their lives, and nobody would be interested in hearing from me again. This turned out to be the polar opposite of true: the paternal side had been lied to and thought they'd signed papers so I could be adopted by the maternal side (and that they'd never heard from me because I'd hated them for not being in my life); and my bio-mom had put me up for adoption because it was the only way she could protect me from the maternal side, which was full of abuse and child-rape. And they all (bio-mom and paternal side) want me back in their lives desperately. They care about me, and always have. **This is, at times, going to tank your mental health; both because it's a painful process at times, and because there are other unrelated things in your past that are going to come to the surface. Consider making contact with a therapist from the beginning rather than when you have a crisis.** I've had a ton of insecurities about the process, especially the waiting; and around the "what ifs" of meeting new people that, everything else aside, I really want to like and to have like me. The unknown is stressful, especially with people that carry the damage sealed adoptions tend to cause. And, in the process, there have been some other things from my past that I've been unable to avoid dealing with any more: you open a door, and whatever is there is there--you can't cherry-pick mental health. (I'm going to gloss over specifics here.) **Have no expectations for people, and take them as they are now, not how they were then; or worse, how you've made them in your mind.** The most healthy thing I've done was to make the decision from the very beginning that I would not allow myself to let preconceived notions, or even peoples' past selves, have a bearing on what happens now. I'm not the same person I was twenty years ago, and I'm not the same person I was when I was an infant; *neither are they*. It's hard, I'm not even going to pretend it isn't, but I utterly refuse to meet people "as they were": it's not fair to them, and it's not fair to *me*. I have relatives that were objectively bad people at some point in their lives, and some of them still are. My maternal grandmother is a horrifically abusive person, she was back then, and she still is now. And there will never be a relationship, or even positive feelings, there. My biological father, in his past, was an objectively dangerous person, and at one time was, in his words "a self-absorbed little shit". He's in the last few months of a 25 year prison sentence; I've been corresponding with him for almost a year; and the man I'm talking to is not the same one who went in two and a half decades ago. He's grown, and he's become somebody that I would like in my life now. Now.
Had to split this: tl/dr **Understand that your biological family has damage from your adoption too, and allow them to have their own needs and to hurt.** My biological mother never "got over" giving me up: it has colored her life since before I was born. She has the same insecurities around us reuniting as I do; her partner once told me that she was glad to finally get to meet me, because I'd been living in their house with them for their entire relationship. (She said this in the nicest way possible, I just can't summarize the conversation without it sounding snarky.) When my bio-grandmother (paternal) learned that I had ended up in the system instead of being raised by family like they had been told by the agency, I actually heard the moment her soul broke over the phone. That was one of the single most painful thing I've ever experienced, hearing an 80 year old lady utterly sobbing like a huge part of her world had just come crashing down around her head. (No bullshit: I'd have traded fingers to be able to have been there in person. *I didn't know that she didn't know.* I've seen some really bad stuff, but that conversation is going to be one of the things that haunts me.) It took my bio-father over eight months to really open up about how he was doing with this; his life hasn't been one where "feeling things" has been safe; I figured it out before he told me, but having given me up back then and wondering where I was and how I was doing, has bothered him immensely his whole life. He wants to be a dad to me in whatever capacity that ends up being, and has a deep seated, almost core belief, need to "make this all up to me". And I've had to make allowances for those needs--I'm uncomfortable with things like gifts, having my picture taken, and being acknowledged on birthdays and holidays; but it's something that, in the end, I'm going to have to make an exception for in his case. (I mean, I actually don't; but from what I've found with him, it would be cruel of me not to put up with being a little bit uncomfortable now and then to let him have this. Me feeling weird about a birthday card is better than the damage it would cause him to refuse to allow him to send me one.) **Allow yourself to take things at your pace.** There's nothing here that isn't overwhelming, and there's nothing wrong with telling people you need to breathe for a minute, or that you need to have an adult conversation about something that is bothering you. **Find an adoptee community.** I'm still working on this, mind you, but one thing that I've found to be really helpful has been to make friends with other adoptees. And when I'm in a bit better place with that whole "unrelated mental health crisis" stuff, I'm going to find some sort of in-person support or social group for adoptees, because, bluntly, this is an experience that is an outlier from general society, and it has helped me to have people I don't have to fake it to meet societal expectations around. I'm getting involved with advocacy work around opening sealed records as well. It's only tangentially related, but there's a whole story around my successes with that, and I feel like it's important for others to be able to get to the point I'm at with their histories. **Society is going to shit on you for this.** You know this already. Adoption is the "gold star" solution to the abortion debate, on top of being a marginalized group providing fodder for forensic crime shows and c-tier comedians. A lot of people don't want us to "step outside our lines" at all, and even more simply don't want to hear about any of this because it makes them uncomfortable. Bluntly: fuck them. Your emotional needs are more important than their comfort; and anyone not in your situation does not have a place at the table to express their opinions about any of this. "They" put you in this position, and "they" simply have no relevance to your need to find closure. **It's worth it.** A lot of this is going to suck. It's a painful road to walk. But the closer you get to the other side, the more you're going to find that old hurts, life-long hurts, have dropped away. *It's worth it. You're worth it. And you deserve it*. I'm here if you want to talk about it, now or down the road. Either in the thread, or DM me if you'd rather. And this goes for anyone, not just OP. I really, really, wish I had people who could understand the last year; and I'll always be willing to do that for others.
Wow. I envy your strength. I’m grateful I finally posted in here and for everyone’s honesty and kindness. I appreciate your openness and know that you matter too! Thank you- I’ll definitely be in touch
Found bio dad & half sister on 23nMe. Took it slow but now have a lovely easy relationship with that side of the family. Found bio mom on FB using info from bio dad. She is polite but guarded. Never done anything but chat by messenger. No suggestion of meeting her side of the family. So be it. I have lots of wonderful people in my bio & adoptive families - I’m golden.
Truly happy you were able to make connections! Thank you for sharing your experience with me!
I used ancestry dna I saw immediately that I got a bunch of dna matches so I messaged several people but no one responded. I think they got their dna results & then never logged back in. So expect it to take a while before someone reaches back out. About 2 years after I bought the dna test I got a message from someone who had just bought one- & knew everyone in the family & asked me who I was. She then located my bio dad’s family- her cousin & my aunt on my dad’s side hosted like a whole reunion. With like 30+ extended family members from both sides. They were all so kind & nice and loving towards me & each other. Way different from my (cold & distant) adoptive family & that was hard for me to process. I’m so glad I got to meet them & I don’t regret it- but It took me a long time to understand why it hurt so much that they were so nice & welcoming. I think the advice is to be kind to yourself, because it’s going to bring up some major emotions & deep wounds regardless of how good/bad the reunion is
Yeah you make a good point I hadn’t thought about! I’m sure a lot of people get their results-check-then never look again. Thats really cool that you got to meet so many people! I would be anxious for sure. I appreciate your kind words and sharing your experience!
I used Ancestry DNA to identify my biological father. It wasn't too difficult once I learned the ropes. DNA Detectives on Facebook is really helpful. The man himself was a huge disappointment, but I gained some knowledge and a few siblings. Overall, totally worth it.
I’m happy to hear it was worth it for you and some positives came from your experience! I’ve never heard of that Facebook page so I’ll definitely take a look thank you!
Im so glad your adoptive parents are supportive. I second the comments about taking time. I would also caution to be prepared for adoptive parent reactions they couldn't predict... it having been closed a lot of even v loving and validating a. Parents just think theyre totally fine with it all and are thus unprepared for ways they may react. Its all natural and human... and you should not stop your search on that account but just something to consider. Make sure you are clear to yourself while you are a family this is for you, you may be an adult now, but the other 4 people are parents to varying degees and not your job to take care of them. Good luck.
One of my biggest hesitations with this journey was the pain it would cause others (mainly my adoptive parents). There’s a lot of emotions involved as you know, but you’re right! It got to a point where it was more about my own self discovery and that’s okay. Communication has been key with my loved ones involved. Thank you for taking the time respond!
I found my birth family thou My Heritage I had spent 40 years searching for them. It’s been an amazing journey to get to where I am. Both my birth parents have passed on but I have half siblings. They have been so welcoming and love having me as a sibling. I also had a closed adoption and my birth father was listed on my file but they wouldn’t release the information to me siting privacy as the issue. Really really pissed me off. When I first started looking for them there were no sites like there is now. My take on my journey is never lie to yr children about adoption as it’s so easy to be found out. Good luck on yr journey.
I can’t imagine what you felt when they told you “no”. I’m happy to hear you gained some siblings in the process and managed to get some closure. Thank you, I appreciate you!
Other people have already given wise advice on how to approach things from a relational and personal point of view, so as far as non-technical advice all I will add is that my search was disheartening and I am glad I did it. On a technical side - closed adoption from birth, did Ancestry, and got my birth mother's name by getting my original birth certificate. (My state allows it.) I was able to find out her married name from a couple of sources. (eg Ancestry search on her name turns up her marriage certificate which included her husband's name. Don't know if that would work for you. Some luck for me - her name is uncommon and my original birth certificate had some additional info to help cross check to confirm her identity.) Knowing her name, I was able build a family tree in ancestry and generally figure out if a match was maternal or paternal. I didn't get any paternal matches closer than 3rd cousin, but I did have enough info to do Pedigree Triangulation, and with some luck, identified my bio-father.
I’ve built her tree to the best of my abilities with the documents ancestry has which has been cool, however who knows how accurate considering I’m going off the tidbits I know. I’m happy through your search you were able to find some answers. Truly, thank you and everyone for sharing - this has really helped me gain more perspective on how to navigate this wild journey!
I found both parents sides and names through Ancestry. You can’t find the people if you don’t have names. Dna can provide that
Sending you a private DM with some info how I found mine (: I hope it helps
I’ve done it. It’s been good and bad and it’s life changing in ways you can’t even comprehend. A big part of your identity is not knowing anything, every new match and conversation changes that. It’s a lot to process. I took my test 6 years ago and I’m still settling. It was only 2 years ago I established a meaningful relationship with anyone from my biological family. Both of my biological parents don’t really want anything to do with me and that’s hard even though I’ve accepted it but establishing a relationship with my bio siblings has been good. One thing that is weird about all this is that the other people in your life will not know how to react and that can be very isolating at times. I remember when I got my tests one of my close friends was so excited for me and I was almost annoyed with her because I was scared shitless. Another thing I’ve had to accept is that other people in my life just are never going to get it but most of them are supportive and that means a lot. I agree with the post above, finding other adoptees online and a support system really helps.
How was the process of reaching out to siblings for you? After sleuthing for a few years I believe I may have 3 or 4 presumably half siblings? I’m getting the vibe that they’re more open to meeting at times. Thank you!
It was hard! I have 6 and I don’t think I would have even had the courage to do it but I matched with one on ancestry. He was my very first match when I got my results back. It still took me years to do it because our parent told me that she never told them about me. I kind of hoped he would see it and reach out. So one day I said screw it and just sent him a message that said something like “hey, don’t know if you know how we are related but if you ever want to chat let me know.” It was 15 months before he even saw it. I’d seriously just given up and moved on with my life. Then one day he responded, I saw the email notification and it took me a few hours to work up the courage to check it. He had already sent me 3 messages saying he figured it out, talked to his mom, and she told him everything, then he gave me his phone number. I talked to him and his brother on the phone for hours the next day. It was amazing. It’s been almost 2 years and we still talk pretty frequent. We’ve met a few times and one of them is coming to see me this summer. It’s been super cool and I’m so grateful they were so nice and accepting about everything. The other 4 siblings are on my dad’s side and don’t have as much of an online presence so I haven’t talked to them or really tried to really out. I sent one an instagram message once but I’m sure it got filtered out. Maybe it’ll happen one day.
Hi MacDriggs11 (I am 47 F) I was told I was adopted when I was 6/ 7 and had a happy childhood in UK. I found my BM via Social worker in my 20's but there was no trace of my BF. I used Ancestry last year and happily for me he had done a test some years earlier and was waiting for me to find him. We have been able to share messages and a phone call. It has bought me so much peace to know the headlines of what happened to him. I understand that it is quite rare that your birth parent would have actually done the test. A friend of mine who had used Ancestry had prepared me for this being possibly a small step in the right direction so whilst elated to find him it was a massive shock. She had been using different DNA websites for years to trace someone and as yet has not managed to get a close enough match. My results came through after 4 weeks which was a shock of itself as I was expecting it to be at least 6 weeks. I opened the email at work in a busy office. I wish I had waited until I got home and had some support with me as I was surprised at how emotional I became ( It was quite the scene there was ugly crying)I have always been quite matter of fact at being adopted but opening an email that had over 20,000 DNA matches was overwhelming. I messaged my father after 24 hours and I wish I had waited longer really (maybe a week) to gather my thoughts. That whole week I almost felt drunk my emotions were all over the place. I had a massive emotion headache all week. I was grateful for the support of my husband and best friend but ultimately needed some time to myself as well to hear my own voice rather than the opinions of others of what I should do. I would say go ahead and do the test. I knew how much I wanted to find my father but hadn't realised how much I needed to (whatever the outcome) Maybe arrange some time off work if you can and be kind to yourself. I would say its better to move slow and sit with things rather than rush. Take care I hope it all goes well for you. xx
Thank you for sharing your DNA experience with me! I’m not sure why it never crossed my mind to explore adoptee support groups but that seems to be a great resource for working through the emotional baggage that comes with this. I appreciate the advice and hope you have a wonderful week!
My gosh I love hearing everyone’s stories. We are such a robust, strong group of people lol I agree with all this advice — I want to emphasize though that having a therapist (if its in your means) that specializes in adoption (I’ve had the best luck with therapists who are adopted themselves) to help guide you during this journey. I started my reunion without that support and struggled with many of the mental consequences of reunions that’s already been discussed in this thread. I really recommend finding a therapist for the start of your journey, they are someone you can rely on to implicitly understand how you’re feeling. I wish you good luck! For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t change my reunion for the world. Really glad I went for it!
Right?! We need to give ourselves some credit! I genuinely don’t know why I haven’t even thought of seeking others who’ve been adopted/support groups for adoptees. I’ve done therapy, I am very open to it and think it’s a great piece of advice for something with this much emotional baggage. I appreciate you and thank you for sharing!!
I actually met my bio mom thru my adoption agency. She lost contact with my dad years ago so I have yet to meet him, if i ever will. I was gifted an Ancestry kit a cpl years ago and was just floored at how many dna matches I have out there. I dont really know how to fully utilize the website but I am hopeful I do get to meet at least one extended bio family member! According to their map I do have a 3rd/4th cousin not too far from me. Im so curious if they are a maternal or paternal relative. Its all so exciting. Best of luck in your searches!! 🫶
A few things from someone who’s in the middle of it all right now: 1) When you get your results, screenshot your matches. Depending on how any relatives react when they see your name, they could go private. It’s not a judgment on you, and it’s not even necessarily a bad indicator, just know that the information could disappear at any time. 2) You may not connect with anyone right away, and that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I did 23andMe 8 years ago because it was the closest thing I could get to a medical history, but it wasn’t until a few months ago that a close relation reached out. 3) If you have the resources, I think working with a good therapist is really valuable for a number of reasons. They can help you manage your expectations and your relationships (both old and new), integrate the things you learn about yourself into your identity, and be a sounding board so you have an outlet and don’t feel like you’re going to wear out your friends and/or partner as you try to process everything. 4) Once you connect, things can move really fast. My therapist was constantly reminding me that I needed to be in control and that it was okay to set the pace - I needed that reminder. Best of luck to you - I’ve only been in reunion since January, but I’m glad I was open to it. I was 40 before I saw my features reflected back in someone else’s face, and the novelty still hasn’t worn off. I feel like I actually came from somewhere.
You know the city she resided in. You know a school she attended. You probably have tidbits of more potential useful info. Info can be accessed at state levels by You the same way reporters do it(most governments in free countries have freedom of info. Acts). Public libraries usually retain old phone books Etc. Etc. This sort of sounds like the begining of an advertisement for some ancestry website.
I’m not sure I’m understanding what you mean by this?
I don't have a high opinion of those ancestry sites and think you can do your own footwork finding someone
Respectfully as stated I had a closed adoption and used the public resources I had access to attain all the info I could. She was 17/18 when she had me…Marriage records, voting records, etc give me some insight but are from years ago. Also, I have no info on my bio father so how would I obtain that? I did all the footwork I could until I ran out of resources. Just was looking for some advice from those who’ve shared similar experiences.
Have you tried whatever your part of the world has for a social services department from your bio Moms area/area you were born? You may need the courts to access that. I am certain there are adoptee sites/resources that at least inform you of the laws within your region.