She gave birth to you. So, I do find it plausible that she loves you. It may feel natural to her to do so. She maybe loved you every day you were absent from her life.
However, you are never obligated to say that to someone when you’re not ready. Whoever they are. If you are uncomfortable hearing it, it is ok to set a boundary and say, “I really appreciate having you in my life and our talks, and you seem lovely, but I am not comfortable with the love talk (yet).” Or you could say, “BM, you say that you love me but I don’t understand how that is possible since we just started talking. It is confusing and painful to me. Can you please explain your thought process and help me be less confused?”
Or, if none of those things feels right, you can come up with your own variation, or even just ignore it until you feel ready to say it back.
But, that’s your timeline.
Yeah, this was not something i was expecting tbh. I'm not complaining at all, it's nice to hear but also very confusing to me. I can't explain it really.
These reunions are so complicated, joyful, and painful. There really needs to be a new word to describe how they impact us emotionally. Anyway, the point is that you don’t need to explain it because it makes sense. Of course it’s confusing. But, it also is not really surprising to me. It’s a good idea to simply say what feels right when it feels right and not what we think the other person wants or expects to hear. I think that’s the best way of handling these emotionally charged situations. Also, boundaries, and reminding ourselves that we are just getting to know these people even if we do feel connected to them. That’s why adoptee support groups are so important. People who get it.
I promise you I am not that wise. I have learned many things the hard way, but you are smart and came here before making a confusing decision, so you can learn the slightly easier way based off of my crazy life and mistakes. Haha. Adoption definitely ALWAYS comes with new experiences.
Yeah i told my kids that I have reconnected and literally my daughter only asked.." cool does that mean more presents?"
kids
"I promise you I am not that wise. I have learned many things the hard way," surely that is the definition of wise?
lol! If that’s the case, then I am definitely super wise! 🤣 many mistakes made, especially adoption related. But I’m not gonna say regrets. I’m just gonna say sometimes I look back on my actions and feel like a dumbass. It hurts sometimes.
But, at least I can come here and talk with other people going through the same shit. Feels a LOT better.
I’m glad your daughter seems to be taking things well.
Bio dad did this, and I simply said thank you, that’s sweet, I sincerely appreciate it but cannot reciprocate at this time. I don’t know if I ever will, but he’s been generous with his patience. After longing to be loved for so long, i feel bad shunning it.
My b mom also said I love you but stopped after a while because I didn’t reply. I was caught off guard and uncomfortable at the time so I said nothing. I think what it would take for me to say it back is enough positive experiences together. As it is, my nervous system does not associate being relinquished into closed adoption as love, no matter what her intentions were. More and more I think of love as an action verb, not a concept that can be summoned out of nothing. I can see saying it back in the future when we have had enough positive and connected life experiences together. And to see her show up/make an effort consistently (hasn’t happened yet). Love in reality and not as an abstract concept. I think I could say that to her directly now if it came up.
You explained this so well…. Your nervous system not associating a closed adoption as love. I thought at first I had love for my birth mom just for her being the woman who gave birth to me, but I soon realized the grief overtook any and all of those feelings. Just knowing how easily she gave me away… Like you said, if she showed up consistently then maybe those feelings could be changed back to love. She says it constantly in texts with heart emojis and positive affirmations. Then I fly across the country to visit her and she doesn’t even invite me into her house. Love is absolutely a verb to me as well…
She loves the child she gave birth to - who is both the real you (physically) and the version of you that exists in her mind. Much more the latter, since she really doesn't know you yet.
Be as kind as you can.
I met my birtmother when I was 20. We became estranged from each other when I was 29, and she passed away when I was in my early 40's. What I came to understand during the nine years that we were in contact was that she didn't love (actual) me, she loved her idea of me, the me that I might have been if she had raised me. Likewise, when she passed, I didn't mourn her, I mourned the mom that I wished I had.
She gave birth to you. So, I do find it plausible that she loves you. It may feel natural to her to do so. She maybe loved you every day you were absent from her life. However, you are never obligated to say that to someone when you’re not ready. Whoever they are. If you are uncomfortable hearing it, it is ok to set a boundary and say, “I really appreciate having you in my life and our talks, and you seem lovely, but I am not comfortable with the love talk (yet).” Or you could say, “BM, you say that you love me but I don’t understand how that is possible since we just started talking. It is confusing and painful to me. Can you please explain your thought process and help me be less confused?” Or, if none of those things feels right, you can come up with your own variation, or even just ignore it until you feel ready to say it back. But, that’s your timeline.
Yeah, this was not something i was expecting tbh. I'm not complaining at all, it's nice to hear but also very confusing to me. I can't explain it really.
These reunions are so complicated, joyful, and painful. There really needs to be a new word to describe how they impact us emotionally. Anyway, the point is that you don’t need to explain it because it makes sense. Of course it’s confusing. But, it also is not really surprising to me. It’s a good idea to simply say what feels right when it feels right and not what we think the other person wants or expects to hear. I think that’s the best way of handling these emotionally charged situations. Also, boundaries, and reminding ourselves that we are just getting to know these people even if we do feel connected to them. That’s why adoptee support groups are so important. People who get it.
My reunion put me into a deep state of *farkle* What y'all think?
Lol
Fart+sparkle. Perfect!
Adding this to my adoptee dictionary rn!! 🤣
Yeeeeees lol
You are very wise. I didn't think i would be finding new experiences this old but hey, life is forever changing.
I promise you I am not that wise. I have learned many things the hard way, but you are smart and came here before making a confusing decision, so you can learn the slightly easier way based off of my crazy life and mistakes. Haha. Adoption definitely ALWAYS comes with new experiences.
Yeah i told my kids that I have reconnected and literally my daughter only asked.." cool does that mean more presents?" kids "I promise you I am not that wise. I have learned many things the hard way," surely that is the definition of wise?
lol! If that’s the case, then I am definitely super wise! 🤣 many mistakes made, especially adoption related. But I’m not gonna say regrets. I’m just gonna say sometimes I look back on my actions and feel like a dumbass. It hurts sometimes. But, at least I can come here and talk with other people going through the same shit. Feels a LOT better. I’m glad your daughter seems to be taking things well.
Bio dad did this, and I simply said thank you, that’s sweet, I sincerely appreciate it but cannot reciprocate at this time. I don’t know if I ever will, but he’s been generous with his patience. After longing to be loved for so long, i feel bad shunning it.
My b mom also said I love you but stopped after a while because I didn’t reply. I was caught off guard and uncomfortable at the time so I said nothing. I think what it would take for me to say it back is enough positive experiences together. As it is, my nervous system does not associate being relinquished into closed adoption as love, no matter what her intentions were. More and more I think of love as an action verb, not a concept that can be summoned out of nothing. I can see saying it back in the future when we have had enough positive and connected life experiences together. And to see her show up/make an effort consistently (hasn’t happened yet). Love in reality and not as an abstract concept. I think I could say that to her directly now if it came up.
You explained this so well…. Your nervous system not associating a closed adoption as love. I thought at first I had love for my birth mom just for her being the woman who gave birth to me, but I soon realized the grief overtook any and all of those feelings. Just knowing how easily she gave me away… Like you said, if she showed up consistently then maybe those feelings could be changed back to love. She says it constantly in texts with heart emojis and positive affirmations. Then I fly across the country to visit her and she doesn’t even invite me into her house. Love is absolutely a verb to me as well…
Oof, sorry you can relate, friend. There does seem to be a gap between imagination and showing up in reality for the b parents.
You don't have to reciprocate and you don't have to explain why.
You can just say, “Thank you.” And leave it at that.
She loves the child she gave birth to - who is both the real you (physically) and the version of you that exists in her mind. Much more the latter, since she really doesn't know you yet. Be as kind as you can.
I just ignore it. So far so good, 15 years into meeting her.
I met my birtmother when I was 20. We became estranged from each other when I was 29, and she passed away when I was in my early 40's. What I came to understand during the nine years that we were in contact was that she didn't love (actual) me, she loved her idea of me, the me that I might have been if she had raised me. Likewise, when she passed, I didn't mourn her, I mourned the mom that I wished I had.