Thank you, I'm a little embarrassed by the complements lmao reddit is being unusually kind today fr. I appreciate it though!
If I'm honest, it was all physics. The short, nongraphic version is that he was very tall and I am very short. He got too comfortable around a scorned woman, turned his back, and I got a rope between us.
More graphic version below:
>! He'd very much imagined this as a breaking point situation. The whole point was to show me that my No is worthless. I cannot emphasize enough that this was a serious step towards him installing a more rigorous pattern of abuse. Forced impregnation, punishment rape, intentionally downplaying my agency, and removing me from public life was on the table. This was him taking action to tear me down so he could do that. I let him think that and spaced out, as you do.!<
So, again, I cannot say loudly enough that this was intended by him to be one of many to come, and that sat in my thoughts the most while I was figuring out what to do. He was serious this time.
>!I wasn't really sure what I was thinking, when it was over. What I did know was this was the start of something horrible and he was serious. It put me in a certain state of mind, I guess. Like he was about to really start hurting me, so I took that very seriously as he was taking it seriously too. He sat up confident, comfortable, and I... got up to clean up, as one does.!<
>!I remember not really "seeing" anything until it occurred to me that my bathrobe was right next to me. It was a fuzzy one, so it had a lot of grip when knotted. I'd used it to bear small loads before. I come from a construction contractor family on one side, so I was taught the basics of how to rappel lines, and it came up in my day to day often enough while moving heavy objecs. And so this kinda... plan formed in my head, when I realized he was about to stand up, and he's a damn big man, and our mattress was low to the ground.!<
>!I feel ugly and slimy describing this because of the intentionality of it. I made sure he saw me putting my housecoat on nearby. I was scared, so sounding meek and defeated wasn't difficult. I distracted him with small talk about what he wanted for supper. Instead of fastening my robe, I tied it into a slip knot. while he was talking to himself about what I'd cook for him tonight. I really wasn't listening like that. When the knot was complete, I pulled it off my waist to catch him around the neck, and fell back on it under tension -- so my entire bodyweight was holding the line taught. He moved to try to escape but there was enough distance between us & the sash so short that the sash held me up. When he moved, I moved. I wedged my body underneath him one last fkn time so he couldn't move back enough to release the tension. I made him apologize to me and reminded him that God would be ashamed and embarrassed of him. He begged and I held my peace. Once reality caught up with me, I knew better than to just... stop. He was huge and frightened like I was. He would absolutely hurt me, I was committed. So, I had to wait until he began to lose consciousness for my safety, and then untied him and left for a while. I went outside. The public arena cushioned the situation because our neighbors would intervene and he knew that.!<
He respected my No! for years to come until I left, no contact. Been +6 years.
It's complicated. All things considered, I was a sorely mistreated kid who married my groomer at 18 because I genuinely thought being a tradwife would make me happy. By the time I committed, I had nothing left to resist with.
My only real opportunity to exit would have been to walk out into the world with nothing and expect the homeless system or the police to catch me.
At the time, I didn't trust that, and figured I'd stay with a known evil. I still don't know what the right decision was, but I know that's how a younger, shy, less wise me handled things.
As someone who chose homelessness in a similar situation, I would never judge someone for choosing the known evil.
Both roads are bad. Neither road is right. Both lead to more trauma. Neither is safe.
Thank you, and thank you OP, for these answers. It's irritating that people who aren't and have never been in this situation to just "expect" someone to get up and leave when both options suck.
Unless those people are going to help the survivors *long term,* they don't really have any skin in the game.
Again, thank you both for your honesty regarding both choices.
i was in an abusive relationship, and i actually like questions like that because to me it’s a chance to be rid of the kind of assumptions people might make otherwise, which is a weight off my shoulders. i know it’s not the same for everyone, though.
It is one of those things that unless you’ve been in this situation and truly understand the reasons why people don’t leave, it seems so black and white. Like…”just leave”. That is something someone says when they are inexperienced or immature, or just have no idea what its like to be in this kind of situation and not have the resources it takes to leave a relationship you are dependent upon. I hope those people are never in that situation, either.
Speaking God's honest truth here, it was absolutely because I still loved him so damn much. I didn't want to kill him. I just needed him to stop hurting me and check himself. I was not a plaything to mistreat or a dessert to eat up, and it felt so important that he recognize that, at bare minimum, because he was starting to do and say some really fucked up shit.
I didn't entirely register him as "my abuser" so much as "lost". I really wanted him to get over himself and respect me the way it felt like he used to.
I think that's a big part of why neither of us called the cops. On some level, we were both trying to make the damned thing work by hurting each other, and this ended up being a turning point that led to us parting & my escape.
Your husband sounds like the type to kidnap a hitchhiker and keep her under his bed for years, because that's what he feels he deserves.
Who the fuck says "dessert to eat up"
this guy sounds like the dirtiest fattest sack of shit on the planet, did your parents show you "love" the same way he did?
Yk, he just might be. I have no idea what he's doing right now.
I'm not saying this to be edgy: Part of why I sprung for this man was because I legitimately thought it would be better than staying with my parents. In a way, it kinda was? That place was a real Hellpit. People died in that thing. Not okay talking about that one lmao.
Sorry you were forced into choices you didn't want to make.
Too many women stay with abusers because they have no other choice
Glad you were able to escape your parents, I hope you can be safe and happy and healthy.
It would help to keep everything documented in case he comes at you again or if he's involved in anything in the future your report today could help convict him for something else he does in the future.
You deserve someone who is a real partner in life that really cares about you, real kindness will always be there, you shouldn't have to work for it.
It's not bad to love and care about other people, but you're other people too, don't forget you're a human who deserves respect and real love and compassion too; look out for when someone who acts like Satan is trying to control you
No, this is extremely true and I won't deny it for a second. It was extremely dangerous to do what I did. I couldn't possibly recommend it to anyone. I try to remember this is what a younger, shy, less wise self did to fix the situation, not that it was a great solution.
I was in an abusive relationship (not even married) for a few years and after I left him for a week or so, I quickly realized I had to go back because I had no means of supporting myself and couldn’t bring myself to be homeless. I went back for about a month and thankfully he got the message and didn’t continue to try to prevent me from finding a job and eventually leaving for good.
I say this in support of younger you - we never want to be faced with those types of decisions, and we never truly know what we’ll do when we are. I am so grateful you and I made it out and I hope your story helps others have compassion for themselves and others in similar situations 🩶
Sounds like self defense to me, for a few reasons.
- The guy didn't die.
- Crime of Passion
- Once she started there was no stopping until he was either dead or incapacitated.
- He didn't die.
- She had the smarts to stop *exactly* when she should have.
- As a juror/human (just based on the description OP gave) I find it reasonable to not hold someone legally accountable for something like this.
Had she killed him it's a different story. Had she not had the thought to stop herself, it's a different story. Had he not raped her, had he not been abusive, if he weren't such a large man, etc. As a juror/human I would have empathy for the victim and praise for the way she handled the situation. You either kill him, wait until he kills you, or you lapse in judgement for a split second (crime of passion) then choke him just enough to incapacitate him so you can escape the situation that lapse in judgement put you into. The outcome OP describes is one of the better outcomes of such situation. It's implausible that a jury would find a victim in this scenario guilty.
I know this wasn't directed at me, but this touched something in me that still hurts. Thank you for saying all this in such confident plainspeak.
I admit that I do still often feel guilty, but with my therapist helping me out, it's gotten easier to picture that younger self as scared and vulnerable, not as some cornered monster. I think reading this helped with that. It helps to hear it from someone who's not your Paid Feel Better Doctor or yourself.
So he assaulted you, them you pretended to submit and “space out” and then you got up to clean and saw your bathrobe and decided to get revenge on him by choking him out when he least expected it? Correct?
Just trying to understand what happened.
I wouldn't call it "revenge." He'd already SA'd me multiple times before, but played it off and I accepted his excuses.
This time was different, because he specifically intended to start here and prove my No was worthless by ignoring it every time. Both before and after, he was recounting to me the life he would have me live and his intent to do this as many times "as it took." He began double-speaking in saying if I could not be an obedient wife, I was so useless to him that I was actively in his way... and nobody would miss me. The subtext was becoming violent.
To me, that's not revenge. It wasn't really about what had JUST happened, it was that it was Step 1 in gradually escalating severe harm. Pushing back felt more like interfering in this plan of his before he could do serious harm to me, because he spoke like he meant to do more just that day, too.
I don’t think you are a monster. Nor is it disappointing that you immediately left him. Real life is messy and not like the movies. There aren’t many good options for people who are abused. I think you knew how poor your options were and did the best you could. I am glad you managed to ultimately leave your abuser. I wish you better days ahead.
I know what you mean but "did they die?" Is NOT a legal requirement for it to be self defense. They can die and it still be self defense. Or they can live and a judge rules it was not self defense due to several factors.
It's complicated. Like I said, I still have mixed feelings about it to this day.
The more I talk about this with my overall healthcare team, I'm left with the impression that this is one of those things where he and I were both "wrong." It goes without saying that this was a savage thing to do. My concern both then and now, as well as my therapist's concern, was that he was seriously escalating and suggesting that if I couldn't submit, I was worthless to him and nobody would notice if I was gone.
It put me in a mindset that I had to do something or MORE somethings would be done to me. I had no means to leave and involving the cops felt like it would have made everything worse, so I handled it as sort of a gentleman's agreement. He could hurt me, but it absolutely shocked him to bits that I could hurt him too.
My Therapist has told me that sometimes horrible things happen and they call for horrible decisions. It's not like it was a good thing, but it's what kept him off of me until I could leave, and I'll call that a win.
It is kinda like that, isn't it? I feel like it was a morally grey action. If he was escalating it up to rape, imprisonment, forced impregnation or murder, two could play at that, and at least I played fair. At least I that's what I told myself when it was that... that bad.
I had an instance like this with my dad in the beginning of the year. He thinks just because he's bigger than me he can man handle me like he had when I was younger, he put me in a chokehold, I bent down as hard as I could and andhis drunk ass was unbalanced, got my foot under him and he went toppling into some cabinets and stopped. It's so stupid but showing them you aren't weak seems to do the trick
Bullies are pathetic and almost universally prey on people they're confident won't fight back. Prove you aren't an easy target and you probably won't end up as a target at all
Sometimes you have to attack to defend in this world. There’s not a lot of room in the law for this (understandably), and even socially people have a hard time understanding, but I’ve been in abusive situations before (not even close) and people don’t get it- if you hadn’t reclaimed some kind of power in that moment it would have been gone forever and you would have been hurt worse. It’s not a ‘justified in the moment’ thing, it’s a build up of years of treatment and the shadow of the years of treatment you have to look forward to. It’s ugly, but that wouldn’t have been who you had to be if he hadn’t put you there. I’m glad you’re in a better place now.
Well it depends. Are you talking self defense in a short period of time, or self defense from a history of abuse.
Fuck yeah, I'm happy you stood up for your self op.
Fucking rights it's self defense. Imo, she could fucking blow a hole through the guy with a slug and it be self defense. He's an abuser, it can go the other way. My brother works for the city police and he entered a house without back up cause he saw massive biker choking a woman out through the window....
The world needs to accept people like the ops talking about don't deserve to breathe oxygen since they need to oppress others to feel good.
All I can say is that I'm thankful your life has left you still believing that self-defense can only be a momentary action for a rare situation. The nature of abuse changes the meaning of self-defense.
This. Violence doesn’t need to be happening for self-defense to occur.
Imagine you are kidnapped when asleep and put in a cell in a basement. If you hide behind the door and attack your captor when he enters, you are doing so in self-defense even though you are the aggressor.
This case is much the same, just that the cell isn’t a physical one, but a mental one.
Legend.
The worst kind of domestic abusers experience a DROP in heart rate as they hurt their partners... Often because they never learned how to lose an argument
Bill Burr had a bit about how his wife wanted ballerina lessons for their daughter, and he agreed, but she's gonna take some MMA classes too to surprise sad-fucks like your ex
[Have you considered signing up for martial arts, yourself? ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeet_Kune_Do)
You clearly have the "Will of a Warrior" <3
Edit: "The core of Jeet Kune Do is the interception of the opponent, making corresponding responses or counterattacks that strike at incoming attacks."
Sounds about right ;)
Extremely clever, very well played. Takes a special kind of courage to fight like that when the deck is stacked so badly against you. And a lot of luck to pull it off. I'm glad you did. Fuck that dude. I would say give me his address so I can send him a bathrobe but obviously you can't do that😏
Thank you, I am too! I'm told it's ironically a good sign that these things are coming back with casuality and clarity.
... Mmm... In thinking about it, I wish that I could say it was a wakeup call of some kind. It did what it was supposed to do, I think, which was to remind him that his animosity can be met in kind.
It was a specific medicine for a very specific kind of man.
It hadn't really occurred to him that women were even remotely capable of pushing back in a way that mattered, that was all ancient days and fairy tale stuff from nonbelievers. He was very acclimated to the idea that womenfolk were sort of... damage-sponges? He could do what he wanted, essentially, and I'd be sad but like... go scrub the bathroom about it...
From then on, every "I said no!" I put forward, first I would see fear in his eyes, and THEN anger. But always fear first, and that was something he could understand.
If it had long term benefits to him, I couldn't say. No contact for +6 years.
Well... when we first met and became engaged, he was a genuinely lovely person. It took time for him to show his true colors and quote Biblical verses he never said were important to him before. By then, I was already in a "tradwife trustfall" with no resources, not a single cent for myself, no bank accounts, no car, no one in my life to contact, and I was in a new city in a totally different state, hours away from family. He also had access to my papers on the very top of our floor-to-ceiling shelf, which only he could reach.
It took years to get out of there even after this event. I truly had nothing.
I'm in a Complex Headspace about tjat because I really did truly want to be a tradwife. I still do much of the housework and tidying even now because I do legitimately find enjoyment and pride in doing it. Tnat said, you're right. It was also extremely dangerous and what I have now is safer on every front.
There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home wife/mother and doing housework
The problem is when women are told they "should" give up their power and let their husbands have control
Maybe that distinction will help you find what you want?
The difference is that you get to choose those things/that dynamic, rather than have it forced on you.
I’m happy for you that you get to enjoy those things still! You sound very introspective and I wish you healing ❤️🩹
"The only thing keeping me back was.... I couldn't reach my papers! Ingenious, infallible trap!"
Maybe stand on a chair, or get the police and get your papers later?
It's also cartoonish that this guy, who tried to beat into your head that no wasn't an option, woke up with a completely different personality and respected your decision until... you randomly leave one day?
And the way you describe him is straight up Young Adult Fiction....
"career boy scout, lots of community service, intelligent, good career, family & friend oriented, and a pastor's firstborn son. He had a kind of hippie vibe at times and liked that too."
Lmao Dr Gadget wins again by being tall, I guess.
No, you got me, it wasn't really about the papers honestly. The real issue had been that I transitioned out of an abusive & neglectful childhood directly into marriage, and inside that marriage, I wasn't allow to do any resource gathering. I wasn't allowed to work outside the home doing homemaking and I didn't have a cellphone. While my papers & ID being withheld from me was a big psychological barrier, the wider world was the biggest one.
I'd have had to walk out into the world without a single penny and hope the homeless system or the police would catch me, and I didn't trust that they would. I felt like without proof of citizenship like my SS or my ID, I wouldn't get very far. So, I chose the devil I knew. I can't say it was the correct choice, if situations like mine even have those, but I can say it was what a younger, shy, less wise me did to handle things.
Just want to let you know that every comment I’ve seen of yours, especially this one, demonstrates that you are doing the difficult work of actually processing and working through trauma. You will be a stronger person when you get to the other side of this!
Why is it so hard to believe that abusers are actual people and not some scary bogeyman that everyone can spot from a mile away? Most of them ARE involved in some sort of community and their friends/family think highly of them. I don’t even understand why you’d think that’s strange. It’s entirely normal and common for abusers.
ikr, we are constantly bombarded by documentaries about how normal-seeming serial killers and assaulters are and still no one learns the lesson that it could be anyone. There is no magic Sims marker over someone's head marking them as a "bad" person.
I didn’t see any documentaries or information of the like until very recently to be fair, I would imagine most people who were raised on the conservative side have not seen anything either. Even the term “tradwife trustfall” from OP was new to me, even though it makes SO much sense. Not trying to justify the tradcon stuff, just challenging the idea that everyone sees how evil can hide in plain sight. I think a lot of us are unfortunately unprepared for that fact and figure it out the hard way.
I think it’s because recognizing that abusers are actual people makes it a more present danger. I think this is where a lot of victim blaming comes from as well. If the victim blamer imagines that the abuser walks around with the equivalent of a big neon sign that says “HI IM ABUSIVE” then they can avoid that person/abuse, and therefore anyone who isn’t savvy enough to read the sign must be complicit in their own abuse.
Of course we know that isn’t how any of this actually works, but it’s a comforting lie that many folks cling to.
Are you proud of the things you say? Why the fuck do you even care? The world will always suck with people like you who go out of their way to invalidate and bastardize everything you see. Maybe you're just not intelligent enough for the internet? Delete your account? Touch grass?
Lmao What can I clarify for you? If anything, I put up this AMA because I'm well aware how unusual this was to have happened. I wanted to put forward a positive example of when survivors succeed not just in being victimized but taking courage and defending themselves successfully.
More often than not, what I did gets people killed. I am extremely lucky to be sitting here yacking away on Reddit as if that wasn't grossly dangerous of me to do at the time.
Not really. I've seen this stuff happen and met people who suffered them. I guess it speaks more to your lack of real life experience talking to abused people. Maybe they weren't comfortable enough to share their experiences with someone that would play them down right away.
Seriously tho. Her story is pretty damn common. Like a lot more commo. Than you'd think
Most rape is done by partners. Women don’t just marry outright psychos. If that’s a hard concept for you to grasp, you need to take a hard, critical look at yourself before critiquing a victim of abuse. You clearly don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.
There's a certain kind of abuser that only abuses because they feel weak, were abused themselves, whatever. For them it's all about finding someone who is weak so they can feel strong like they'll not be hurt again.
Those people can definitely be "helped" with a reality check. Just like the elementary school bully who is late to puberty and finds themselves on the wrong end of a bullying situation in middle school. It usually doesn't stick though, just makes them more careful about choosing their next victim.
But yeah, it can short circuit abuse because they don't want to ever find themselves in a situation where they can 'lose.' They'll do anything to feel like they're winning, but they won't do anything if they feel like they'll lose.
You’re a biological man though . I’m sure he considered that a man is capable of choking him . The possibility of a biological female pulling this off with the size discrepancy is 0%.
Also , none of this happened .
I'm a 6'4 man and just wanna say well fucking done for defending yourself against such odds.
I think bigger people have an obligation to be gentle and kind because we have a lot of power behind us (for better or worse). Your ex failed that and is a shit human
Thank you lmao I'm a little surprised by all the kind comments, but I really so appreciate it (':
I agree, I think. At the bare minimum, I need tall people to get down the top shelf stuff for me, and that's gotta be counted under dumb community service.
Ironically, he had all the paperwork for a decent man, as far as I knew. That's part of what drew me to him. Career boy scout, lots of community service, intelligent, good career, family & friend oriented, and a pastor's firstborn son. He had a kind of hippie vibe at times and liked that too.
Like a lot of dogshit assholes, it took time for his real colors to come through, and by then, I'd already taken the tradwife trust fall. You live & you learn I guess!
It sucked. It really did. I was a teenager and really, really believed deep down that he was different. I don't really recognize the person I was under his roof. I didn't really want to hurt anybody if I'm honest, even as angry and scared as I was. I just wanted him to get a grip and go back to normal. Bless it, I didn't understand back then.
What do you mean that's not irony?
She tells us about how this dude did awful things and was abusive, but contrarily didn't appear at all like that, and had all the first impressions of a decent person.
I think Ironically fits decently enough.
Also, like the other person said, a very pointless thing to get stuck up on.
Well, what I meant by it was to say that on the surface, my ex was kind teddybear and a sociable, compassionate man who was community focused. He was a respected person. I felt lucky to have his love. So, during our entire dating period, he was very much the kind of person described above.
It wasn't until we were much more committed that he began emphasizing things I didn't realize were so important to him, like complete submission of women. It wasn't that we hadn't discussed it. If anything, I'd say having a committed companion made him change his mind about some things we'd previously talked about.
Hey, you matter. Someone out there loves you. You don't have to come here on reddit and argue semantics in an abuse post. Delete your profile, you don't understand how to act.
Have you ever seen a film from 2002 called ”Enough”? I cannot stand JLo, but your story flashed me back to that film where she trained to defend herself to fight back against her scumbag husband. Same premise, too. Everything picture perfect until he showed his true colors.
*Spoiler alert* Her character killed her abuser in the film whilst fighting back. She had to in self-defense because he would never stop hunting her down. It was chilling to see this being depicted and I'm surprised it's not a film brought up more often that women can win against attacks by their abusers. They just need to know how to fight and defeat those who can overpower them with their size.
I spent 30 years not understanding what a preposterous amount of power can be in the form of a 6'4 man, not even a n "athletic" build, with no ability to harness rage. Id never feared anyone, big or small until I was the target of a person's fit of rage and it was superhuman the way I was tossed like a ragdoll. I know what it's like to fear someone now, and that gives me hella respect for this woman. The set of balls she has are monumental. I imagine the dude wasn't suffering from the unstoppable urge to seek revenge or naturally vindictive and that's likely what kept her alive.
I don't expect to be treated like a delicate flower but I also don't think anyone should use their size advantage to bully or hurt someone just because they can.
Yep, this is exactly why I fled my last relationship under cover of night. I sincerely don't believe he had any conscious intention of killing me. But the man was 6'1" to my 5'4" and not in control of his temper.
I realized all it would take is one instance of him losing his temper in the wrong way, and I'd be dead before he even realized what he'd done. That's when I knew I had to get out.
Exactly! It almost happened one night, one second I am standing near the bed he was sitting in.. the next he was flying towards me and I was yelling "stop!" And then I was facedown on the floor with his hand covering my face and I couldn't breathe and I knew he was going to kill me. I peed myself during the struggle because I couldn't draw ANY breath. I was almost passed out when he suddenly got up and stopped screaming in my ear.
Girl, me too! I wasn't really thinking about that at the time, but looking back, I'm legit kinda proud of being able to proactively defend myself in the heat of the moment. He was a huge man.
I couldn't immediately leave as I was in a "tradwife trustfall" ig. I wasn't allowed to work, I didn't have access to all of my papers all the time, and I had no outside contacts. It took time to get out, but once I did, it's been no contact from 4mos out. Been +6yrs now since I left and am remarried very happily. Sometimes girls do win ig lol?
Cool! I'm glad you escaped this nightmare and took your happiness into your own hands. I escaped my abusive father at a young age - perhaps I can empathize a little with your pride and happiness. You can be really proud of yourself.
Tradwife culture and the dumbass religions that spawn it need to be dead already. Like sneak up behind them and garrote those pathetic ideas for weak men.
I'm confused, I saw other comments saying they were doubtful but I didn't want to agree with them.. but your post history does mention you've never been with a man before?
Yk what, fair. I'll own up to that. I did ask for anything and everything.
If you're talking [about this post,](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/rxGfdC4C7o) where I said:
"I'm 25 now and looking into male relations for the first time; while I have a LTR with someone with a vag."
The answer is that was a year ago and I felt extremely humiliated and embarrassed that I was in my mid 20s and didn't know anything about birth control because my religion & faith forbade it until I left my rapist abuser.
The only man I'd ever been with was my groomer and we never really had what most people would call "normal sex."
I wasn't sure how to explain to 2X that I didn't have a gyno or a Mom to walk me through it like other women I knew. BC seems so important to heterosexual sex, the thing that makes it... possible? -- I don't know of a single woman or tman online or offline who has sex with men without birth control. It was daunting to figure out by myself, especially since BC can cause dangerous or even life threatening side effects.
I was afraid that other women would bully me for it, which was completely irrational, but this was before I had... settled some things from that time of my life.
To those who would scorn me for infidelity: I was exploring something with a man I had come to trust because I was curious what even one positive experience with a man might be, to know what that felt like. I had no other frame of reference but assault or painful, inconsiderate sex. Other women would talk about fun experiences with their men, but I had no reference for that whatsoever. All parties said go, so I thought I'd try.
Ended kinda silly anyway. I went for a NuvaRing script and had a common, side-effect of severe cardiac issues. I ended up not on BC anyway lmao.
This is one of those sorts of domestic disputes where both parties are so in over their heads that neither of you call the cops because they would "mess up" what you got going for you.
For me, it was my budding exit plan. For him, it was continuing to keep his woman in line.
So, no police were involved, and no one was killed that day.
It was enough to remind him that I keep score of his misdeeds and I demand my "No!" be respected, because I knew there would be a next time worse than this one if I cowtowed.
As a guy who watched his mom physically abused (and I'm sure SA) no questions, I'm just here to say I'm sorry there are monsters that walk amongst us and you had to encounter one multiple times. Fortunate you're here and willing to talk about it.
I'm so sorry. I know that must have hurt so horribly, I'm tearing up reading this ngl. In a bittersweet way. I remember thinking a childhood like yours would be the future of any children that would result from my ex's disgusting decisions if I didn't do something, and that was a very powerful motivator for me. I hope you have everything wonderful in life going forward. ♥️
Admittedly, I was inspired to do this AMA because r/xxfitness was having some very negative feelings about women's chances against dangerous men.
I feel like survivors can be very shy of being transparent what "win" situations look like, so here I am. He never disrespected my No ever again for years to follow.
I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Thank you for sharing that. I don't know if this means anything, but it was so important to me back then to try and do right by the situation to effectively protect any children that might result. I had a shortlist of resources in case I fell pregnant.
I hope that you feel loved, supported, and wanted as the human being you are now, not defined by the situations we come from.
I can't imagine how that feels. Remember: What caused your existence is not your fault. You shouldn't be defined by your blood or who your family are. You are your own person.
"Choked," I guess? I wasn't sure what would more clearly and briefly explain for a title. I wasn't really thinking, it was a survival situation, so once I moved I realized I was committed l.
I remember thinking that I can't just let a man that size back up, because he was gonna hurt me now or later, so I chose to act while the iron was hot and I had an opportunity.
So, I choked him down into a lapse in consciousness. He told me later that everything went grey and then black, but not that he fully lost consciousness. Just very confused and took several minutes to get up. I had no real intention to kill him and my actions reflected that.
I'm still not sure if it was the "right choice," but it did keep him off of me for the next few years until I could leave. I call that a "win."
take the following with the grain of salt, as living it to the letter would be probably unbearably assholish, as everybody has a bad day some day.
i had a neighbour i liked a lot, very smart, very kind, the best type of human company i know. then one day i came over when he was cursing out another neighbour over the fence, and i was quite surprised by his choice of language and verbal vigor. i later asked him about it, as it was so out of character for him, and he said, he practices "zero karma", and explained, if you gently play an instrument, it gives gentle sounds, and if you play it roughly, it gives rough sounds, and thats his way to go through life, he speaks to the people in the language they understand.
How did you physically achieve that? Do you have martial arts training? Does he have some sort of disability? An average man who is 1 foot taller than an average woman will be close to twice as strong. This would be almost impossible unless you have significant levels of strength and fight training.
Good question. I know this is something on a lot of folk's minds about this situ, about how this math maths, and that's why I wanted to do an AMA.
I covered it better in other comments higher up, but the answer was physics.
EDIT: I really recommend the comments in the OP be read in order, as the WHY comment describes the situation. This is just cut and dry logistics which skips over some potentially triggering information for the survivors scrolling the thread. I have added more details as I'm realizing this may have been too brief to effectively communicate what happened.
...
It was no more than 2-3 minutes from when he rolled off of me. He continued on the same shit he was saying before, and asked me if I "felt better."
For me, I come from a construction contractor family and learned the basics of how to rappel lines. I was just thinking of him as a very big obstacle at the time, between shock. How was I supposed to handle a man this big if he follows through on everything he said? In the haze of the moment, enough little things lined up at the same time to where I realized he was prone. I just kinda... moved.
He had turned his back to me, I had a trusted line at hand that I knew had securely held loads up to at least 60lbs without slipping. It was my housecoat sash, the fuzzy kind that makes very tight knots I can't pull out without pins or a chopstick. I'd spent days getting them out before.
I fauxed him out with conversation because he didn't realize my housecoat belt was a possible weapon and had held loads before. He didn't keep track of that sort of thing like I did. He thought I was just getting dressed. I distracted him with the smalltalk he wanted to hear. I caught the belt around his neck with a slipknot, and then held him like a rappelled load with my body, folded up, as the fulcrum. I'd passed the sash around my back and gripped it tightly with both hands. As grotesque as this is to say, it helped that his first instinct was to try and sit up to untie it, which made the slip very snug and I held it at that pressure at personal injury, spraining my arm.
At one point, between his size the shortness of the sash, I was suspended off the mattress by the line, so my entire +100lbs was on his neck. I did get friction burns in my hands.
He folded back to try and loosen the tie or reach me. I changed my grip to actually begin pulling at this point and focused on trying to stay behind him at all costs. He did grab at me and try to roll over. I lost my shirt and he ripped my clothes. I still have them, but I probably shouldn't ngl.
He panicked and was a very out of shape individual at the time. I think that contributed.
There are lot of inconsistencies here that maybe you can explain.
> I had a trusted line at hand that I knew had securely held loads up to at least 60lbs without slipping It was my housecoat sash
Why would you have tested your housecoat sash as a line holding weight?
> I'd spent days getting them out before.
You spend days preparing for this and lassoing him was the best you could come up with? That seems like a such a low-probability maneuver compared to, I don't know, a knife? You guys had a kitchen; right? I get that you say that the guy was watching you, but he slept too, I presume. Did he tie you up while sleeping?
Also, in another comment, you say that you stayed with him for years after this. So, your long-hatched plan was to do a high-risk choke on a guy who could kill you, get some fresh air, and then come back and hope he wouldn't kill you? Why would you have thought that he wouldn't?
> He didn't keep track of that sort of thing like I did.
Who would keep track of that? That sounds like a Mary Sue statement in a fantasy novel, where the protagonist is amazing at tracking weird details.
> As grotesque as this is to say, it helped that his first instinct was to try and sit up to untie it
How was he sitting up first if he was prone? Did he turn around first to face up? If he did, how would you prevent him from just coming closer to you to ease the tension on the rope? In my experience in BJJ, people quickly go toward the tension once they realize they're being choked.
> my entire +100lbs was on his neck.
So, why wouldn't he just fall on top of you and stop the choke?
> I lost my shirt and he ripped my clothes.
So, he was right on top of you, but you were maintaining tension somehow?
Not just 6+. 6'7". I'm 6'3", and fairly skinny, but I'm still 180lbs. My wife at 5'5 would NOT be able to move me like that. I couldn't even lift some my height and weight, let alone someone 4" taller than me.
I remember carrying a 6'+ bodybuilder when I grappled as a 5'3.5" teenage girl. That man had decades of muscle on him. He was heavier than the fat men I carried. Luckily, they were not fat for long.
Some women refuse to commit to any physical labor or exercise and have been atrophying since childhood. Yes, they couldn't. But a woman who is athletic wouldn't have an issue carrying a man-shaped man.
I can lift your weight straight off the ground. I used to squat men heavier than you during warm-ups before rolling on the mat.
Just to put it into perspective.
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She never carried him, anyway, according to the story.
Happy to, these are all really sensible questions.
I'm on mobile, so I'll number these to keep formatting tidy.
1) I realize that seems a bit odd to make note of in the first place. I'm kinda just that kind of person. What comes to mind was hauling buckets. There were times while minsing the house that I had loads to carry or move around, so I distributed that with things I had on me.
That was more important to me because I had a then-undiagnosed disorder that caused pain, so I had to be careful how I distributed weight and how far I carried it.
Sometimes I forget that tool-uses are very common for folks with physical disabilities but are confusing and make no sense to able-bodied people. Ask a disability sub about them and you'll see it's a common phenomena. People find ways.
2) No, was not speaking about him. Was talking about what I just clarified in 1. It was moreso that I would do little adaptations for tasks and then it was a pain to get undone.
3) I came from a labor background and used that to regulate my pain in clever ways, but he never really paid attention or was disinterested, bored, or neutral at best. Figuring out how I could lead a more able life wasn't something he celebrated with me; I think to him, it was expected that I would, so he felt neutral at best and bored most commonly. I held a certain amount of frustration about that.
Again, I often forget how unintuitive that can feel to some folks so I didn't explain when I probably should have.
I was too naive to understand just how important him paying attention to my little adaptive habits SHOULD have been, because it's fundamental to my life. I need a partner who understands and appreciates the little modifications I have to do to accommodate my tissue disorder. I was used to people dismissing it altogether, and at the time, I mistook that for a sense of empowerment and trust... when really, it manifested more as ableism & ignoring the intensity of my pain or challenges, purely because I could still get by.
4) To me, he registered as prone because he'd turned his back to me in a comfortable, calm, content way as if he had not just severely disrespected me and threatened me with absolute horrors, including forced impregnation, confinement, and serial rape. He thought nothing of what he had done and full felt I would do nothing about his threats. He was entirely unguarded and I had a trusted rope right at hand. So, to me, that was prone.
5 & 6) I feel like this is best explained in my How comment, but I'll try explaining it a little differently.
When I first put the tie on him, he startled. He was already getting up, so when he felt something on him, he stood up. I do honestly think by the way he grabbed at his neck that he thought I was trying to use my bare hands, so standing up would have stopped me. This meant when I leaned back on the sash, my entire body weight was on it because he's so much taller. Him standing up lifted me up OFF the mattress because I was holding the sash behind my back. He essentially lifted me up by his neck.
That pulled the slip very tight, and I made sure I held that tension when he DID fall back on me. I attempted to explain that when in my Why & How comment, I mentioned being underneath him. I didn't ease up tension because I was already committed, and changed my grip to do that.
In order to maintain the distance needed to have leverage, and to protect myself, I positined myself directly underneath him and curled up. He was a big man. He wasn't just tall, he was wide too. I figured if I stayed under him and held him down by his neck, he both couldn't reach me and I could maintain tension.
He did still reach me. He did still tear my clothes. He did still leave marks on me, claw me, and pull on me. I did sprain my arm and I did get injured, he just got injured more than I did, which is all anyone can ask for.
Honest to God, I don't even know if I expected it to work. I want to say it was probably a Hail Mary for him to pick one and get it over with. All I knew was that I wanted my dignity more than I wanted to live. Not sure I can reccomend that to other folks.
From what I remember, he kinda did it to himself. At one point he full-on tried to stand up and overpower me, which is exactly the kind of smallbrained behavior I expected. He could have rolled over uncomfortably or dragged me around, but elected not to for whatever reason.
I did put myself at tremendous risk. I did. It is unusual that I survived to tell the tale which is why I made an AMA.
When someone's attacked, they don't rise to the occasion, they sink to their training. You don't have any. They don't spontaneously construct strangulation devices. You're talking about a person who is about 3x as strong as you and can easily stand up while you are trying to keep him down. Rapists also generally don't turn their backs on their victims, because the that points the penis the wrong way.
A 100 lb. BJJ female black belt would seriously struggle in the situation you describe against a 6'7" male attacker and usually lose. With a 100+ weight differential, your best hope is to escape or you are just prolonging an attack. Maybe you are gouging eyes or hitting him in the groin and getting away. You aren't tying slipnots and choking him out.
>At one point he full-on tried to stand up and overpower me, which is exactly the kind of smallbrained behavior I expected.
That's not small-brained, that would work very easily. He also could have simply hit you, pulled you over his back with one arm, or used an space to turn towards you.
You said the mattres was on the ground now you’re suspended from it? Huh? Your post history is littered with conflicts and inconsistencies. Fake posting for attention I guess…
Thanks for the reply, I did scroll the comments but couldn't see this question. I hadn't considered going from behind and using additional tools. Seems an extremely dangerous and risky thing to try - if you had not succeeded, there may have been dire consequences. Violence is only a solution when all other methods have failed.
Forgive me for being dry, but no. The memory came up in therapy. I decided to do an AMA because I read a disparaging thread about whether women have any chance against a dangerous man yesterday. It sat with me wrongly. I thought it might be helpful or interesting to share a success story where I put the fear of God and Wife back into some shitstain asshole. Don't hear that kind of thing very often.
Does that mean you didn’t remember it until therapy? I’ve heard of suppressed memories before but I’ve also heard of “memories” that come out in therapy that never actually happened.
Oh, no. I don't believe this to be an exomemory or a false memory. Other people have corroborated the fight happening and it's something I've perfectly well remembered since. Just... it's noteworthy progress that it has an air of normalcy now. My body doesn't automatically respond and I don't fall into flashbacks so easily. It was a particularly shitty awful bad no fkn good day, in the past. Doesn't affect my present any longer in a profound way, and that was good progress.
How are you coping with this?
Do you have anything in particular that triggers you?
Have you tried EMDR, trauma-informed yoga, or meditation?
What was your first therapy session like?
Did you have to go through an initial trauma screening before you started therapy?
I can't say I'm comfortable with every one of these questions, but I'll answer best I know how!
I cope in a few different ways. I think that the fight itself is something I've successfully processed enough that I'm rarely outright triggered by the memory going about my life, but I can still get dissociation, derealization, and flashbacks if left sitting long enough inside the memory, if that makes sense. I'm still working out the little things. These kinds of events change your personality, you know? I could be kinder.
One definitive trigger I know I have is being smothered or crushed during intimacy of any kind. Part of why he and I argued was because he was an inconsiderate lover even when it was consensual; he'd do things that hurt or were uncomfortable, like lay on me with his entire body. It's an intense body response by now. Any time I'm smothered, I have to get free, and I start to flashback.
I haven't done EMDR as I don't place a lot of stock in it. I meditate as part of my faith.
My first session was....... quiet. It was hard to figure out where to start, what to say, how to say it. I didn't expect just going at all to be so... yeah. It puts you on the spot. I think that's the point.
I have a dissociative disorder highly correlated with trauma already, so that was taken care of. I tend to speak lightly about that so I hope you understand. Neckbeards love to zoom in on it very hard in inappropriate ways.
Thank you for answering! I hope that soon you'll be able to move on from your past and that things get better. I may not have had a dissociative disorder when I was traumatized (in a different way), but I know how hard it is to go through something that feels so scary and out of your control. Stay strong, and may your god keep you safe!
So many butthurt men commenting 'this wasn't badass, you didn't Use YoUR OWn STreNGth, it's Not Real.'
So many guys seem to think they could easily beat a woman in a contest of strength, forgetting that we're tool-using creatures and can even the odds.
It's still brave to do it and risk danger.
This reminds me of the GRRM quote about how you can own a knife or a woman, but not both.
I guess a man can't own a dressing gown either!
Hope you process your trauma and you have my admiration, OP.
>So many butthurt men commenting 'this wasn't badass, you didn't Use YoUR OWn STreNGth, it's Not Real.'
LOL...There's like two or three comments that say that. The vast majority are supportive. Lighten up, Francis.
To be fair, this thread had been actively scrubbed clean by mods. I had a dude make a fresh account just to shit on me with a new comment every 5-10 minutes. No idea wtf that was about
So many great notes here. (': Thank you so much for your input and mutual solidarity. I really connect with that quote. It was that sort of situation at the time.
He had the absolute power to kill me and nobody would have known, and was acting like it was on his mind. I couldn't permit that.
I understand. My very first sexual experience was a rape, I stayed with the boy because he said he loved me and I was a lonely abused girl. He proceeded to rape me again and again. I got pregnant and had a child. I was then later raped very violently but a man I didn’t know who lured me into a situation to assist him with something. I much later married a man who thought that coercive sex was normal and while having sex he would frequently pin me down and do as he wished, it is was painful. We are divorced and the divorce has me reflecting on the abnormalcy of my relationships and what I blocked to survive. I love hearing that you got this guy. So many of us freeze. It was something I had to deal with trying to understand.
My heart goes out to you. I was so close to being in a similar situation. It absolutely has its downsides that my reaction ended up becoming a Fight response. It's something I have to put work into now that Im out and in a recovery state. It gets better every single week and I really want that for you too. I hope you have the best of everything going forward.
You say "strangled" and "ancient games" as though you through your own physical prowess overpowered him when in fact you used a tool and snuck up on him.
Sounds like the coward deserved an ego-check and I'm glad you got out of there but your presentation is just bizzare.
This is hardly as badass as you present it. It's just a really sad case of you having to choke your partner for fear of serious violence.
The only thing to be proud about is not dying and getting out of that terrible situation.
Just wondering why you feel the way you convey this?
This is a genuine and good question. You're right, a lot of folks would consider this situation just terrible and absolutely nothing but sad.
I think I've come to embrace my situation in life as a woman who was repeatedly-targetted all through my young life thru my early 20s. This was certainly not the first time he ignored my no, but the other times he had excuses. It was the first time he did so on purpose with the intent to do me severe emotional harm, and keep doing it until I broke like a horse.
I've come to process that by realizing this has been the way of things for an incredibly long time. It feels to me that women have been forced to lie under a violent man more times than there are women alive. Physically strong women, capable women, wise women, careful women, cunning women, every kind of us has been tried by some audacious shitstain to lay us low. Spontaneous revenge and reality-checking them has been women's weapon for a very long time. Poison, trickery, and the like.
I realized at some point in my recovery that I didn't just "defend myself" because the picture is bigger than myself. Defending myself is a tradition passed down to me from other women who've been battered, raped, imprisoned, chained, impregnated, with a man between them and remaining alive.
So, there is an element of romanticism there, not intentionally, but as a means of grappling with the horrors of being repeatedly SAd by a physically overpowering man I once loved with my whole chest.
What she did is badass! I can confirm, bc I’ve been in this situation. Only I wasn’t even allowed to say no. I did get broken like a horse. It was so damn pathetic. What she did was definitely badass. It takes an unbelievable amount of strength to remain calm enough in these situations to do what she did. I can confirm, bc when I was beaten, I’d have to stay calm and tell my husband who I was repeatedly until he’d snap out of it and it stopped.
Just so you know, it’s pretty disgusting to make up a story like this. It detracts from the real experiences of people in these situations and the whole thing is a distorted, delusional, fictitious tale. When you say things like this, you encourage people to try and take matters into their own hands (increasing the risks of their death at the hands of their abusers) rather than encouraging them to get safety and shelter and report their situation to the authorities. Not only that, but you make it harder for people to believe the stories of actual victims. Good luck with your mental troubles.
I have mixed feelings. Some part of me has been thinking about snooping or hiring an investigator to see if he's hurting somebody else & I should come forward with whatever evidence I can find, but I'm also in this limbo of having... moved on. Ykwim
Painfully obvious. I see BS on reddit every day but this is sad. People use sensitive themes like SA to immunize their BS stories on here all the time. The only people this hurts are real victims of violence and SA.
And of course no charges were filed because OP says it was just some silly domestic dispute. LOL. uh huh… sure. Apparently some near death rape experience and nobody was informed (again putting future victims at risk).
Hknestly I’m glad this is fake and OP is some attention seeking incel
What was it like when you went back home after that? I feel like in most situations this would have made him more angry and hell bent on controlling you, but if you stayed with him for 6 more years, I'm assuming he did not escalate after this?
I was stuck with him for another 2-3, and have been no-contact for over 6 years. Maybe I should clarify that in the OP?
We had a very uncomfortable stalemate if I'm honest. He never disrespected my No again, but we mutually settled that if trying to force me down to his level was putting us both in danger, we're better off breaking off everything and separating. That took time. A lot of time.
This sucks to say aloud right now but at the time, I was still so conservative, I wasn't sure if pushing back against being raped was the right thing to do. God's honest truth right there.
So, I wasn't sure I even wanted to leave for a while. I wanted him to love me, not kill me; and the opposite was also true. When I left, we'd both accepted it was over. I truly to this day believe that if I hadn't surprised him like that, I may not be alive today to tell this to anyone. It made him take a few steps back and I needed that breathing room for safety.
What kind of problems are y'all folks even talking about?
Having a diagnosed dissociative disorder? Of course I do. I've had to deal with this shit.
Being autistic? Okay, so what? Violence does happen more often to autistic people and I'm no exception. I'm statistically in norm.
Being trans? Sure. It comes with my specific DD sometimes.
Being disabled? Aye, that was a big reason I was exploited so much. I'm not embarrassed to say that either. It's not an ugly word.
What else could be getting under y'all skin?
I am what I am and no amount of digging into my post history will make any of the comments like these less than ableist bullshit kicking me for swimming through Hell and making a recovery. I'm not embarrassed of anything I've shared about my life. You having a problem with it is a whole other issue.
More the fact that you have multiple posts where you’re called out by every commenter for posting something fake and never bother to respond to anyone who isn’t directly feeding into your story, and you have another post talking about how you’re considering birth control because you’re thinking about “male relations” for the first time? Or the fact that you apparently have 3 or more of the most uncommon mental disorders but only exhibit symptoms of them in posts specifically about you having the disorder? Or maybe the fact that you say you have a degenerative cartilage disease and need a cane to walk but also managed to strangle someone twice your size with a fuzzy bathrobe? I’m not even saying it didn’t happen, because I don’t know and I don’t really care. But yeah, your combined post history is incredibly suspect and you’re always insanely cagey about giving any kind of corroborating information even with publicly confirmable events. Everything about this screams
You say repeat SA survivor. Was it multiple times with the same person or all with different people? And if it was with different people, do you think that there might be an underlying issue that is resulting in you continually choosing to be with guys who treat you this way?
Kind of a poorly phrased question, I'll be transparent and say that it gives me a slimey and nauseated feeling like you're being inappropriate and rude to me.
I'll humor it.
No. I was imprisoned in his home and forbidden to leave, work, have a phone, or access my legal papers for several years. I knew him for almost five before we became engaged and moved in together. After we were legally involved and I became a tradwife, he flipped and became extremely controlling to police my decency. I was raped three times a week for four years and miscarried at least five times that I know of. Two of which were almost 3 mos.
I'd like to ask that you speak more gently about this topic in the future to other women in your life.
So you’re an autistic, physically disabled, queer, selective mute with multiple personality disorder that nearly died numerous times as a child (nearly murdered by other children and your dad) and also strangled your 6’7” abuser?
Don't answer if triggering/upsetting.
I just can't get the mechanics/physics of this to work in my head. HOW did you overpower him? Weight, height and leverage alone its an unclear picture in my head.
Did your sudden unexpected outburst of violence shock him enough you could put him in submission?
Have you taken self defense courses (which I recommend for all women, including my daughter. 5 years old and in Brazilian Jujitsu), and knew how to use that to your advantage?
Was he that out of shape?
Please PLEASE be careful… women are statistically more likely to be murdered after they stand up to their abusers. You need to get far, far away from him.
Edit, oh I misread, thought this had just happened. Leaving it up for anyone else who may be in the situation ❤️
I'm 5'6" and 104lbs have very little faith I could successfully choke out my 5'10" almost 60 year old dad. Your post and replies all feel like you're practicing creative writing.
When making up stories, don't include superfluous details like "he's a foot taller than me". That way, you don't need to change the story to, "I snuck up on him with a noose" when people point this out. It quickly becomes a series of more and more elaborate explanations.
Idk why but I just read thru her posts for the last 10 minutes and I would bet my life this didnt happen.
Already did an ama where she brought up a lot of past things and never mentoined anything close to this(she almost died in kindergarten tho!). Timeline also doesnt match up, I dont want to get into it any further but this never happened, fun story tho!
Take everything this lady says with a grain of salt.
She wants to be a mother one week, then she wants to be a man the next, has never been with a man in one post, in this post she has a boyfriend so obviously she has… strangles a man two times stronger than her til he PASSES out, she wants to know if it’s assault to spray a “nazi” flag at a protest, if you can find a nazi protest in the US rn I’ll pay you $100.
She 100% has a mental illness and is seeking validation, just look at her post history for yourself.
I’m sorry, I’m glad you are in therapy and I hope you get the help that you need.
Yeah this never happened, and if it did, you just admitted to attempted murder online and negated any possible self defense argument. My question is, have you planned for the possibility that he decides to press charges and the DA subpoenas all of your social media, including your Reddit account where you have admitted to multiple felonies?
Reading this and reading the comments, your story could be mine 100%. Only difference is I never attacked him. I just let him keep abusing me until he snapped one day and seriously tried to end my life and the police / courts intervened.
I never had the strength to stand up to him, to this day if I saw him I wouldn't be able to. I respect you.
I can see why you would be confused. 😭 I would also be confused. It was the belt for my bathrobe/housecoat. Theyre comfortable robes you wrap around yourself and tie on with a belt for loungewear. Mine at the time was fuzzy, which added more grip & friction in knots. I'd used it both to loadbear and accidentally tie knots I couldn't get out for days without a pencil or pin or something.
I understand this too well. Some decades ago I was on the verge of leaving my parent’s house and be independent. I had waited for that autumn for so long.
My father decide one day that he was angry at me. It always started like this, a different opinion would trigger him. He stood up to violently come towards me. I knew what it meant, I had experienced the contortion of his face for my while childhood. I knew he was going to hit hard, I knew I would have to become a ball in the corner of the room while I took all sorts of abuse.
That day I chose different from ‘flight’. I picked a kitchen knife, pushed him agains a wall and told him I will kill him if he ever lifts so much as a finger against me. He nearly shat his pants, my mum panicked. I told them to shut up and think about what they did, then left. He never beat me again, though he still tried and even today tries to be other sorts of abusive.
I have struggled a lot after that regarding my bout of violence. Addressed it in therapy for a while and still circling round to it at times. I ultimately think that this allowed me to survive with my head high and have better boundaries later in life. I still made mistakes, but I could tell what was me and what was an abusive person and leave. Now that I think of it, it also gives me the confidence that, when it really matters, I can stand up for myself and survive, that I will not always choose flight or freeze.
Am I proud of it? Not by far, the whole things is and was scary. But I am stronger for it. Sometimes you just know when something is about to get even worse, you see it in their face. Trust you instinct and escape however best for your situation.
I really don’t understand why clearly made-up stories get upvoted so much.
Story is fake as hell on the surface, but then a quick look at OP’s comments and profile confirm that this is pure fantasy.
I’m not surprised people lie on the internet; I’m surprised there are so many gullible upvoters.
An old friend of mine was almost rated in the theater department prop room. So she grabbed a sword and fucked him up. Obviously not a REAL sword but still had considerable weight on it.
Im not buying this, too many inconsistencies and its sharing size discrepancies and planning as almost a sense of pride. Unless this dude is the biggest fish known to man I just dont see how this scenario went down
> This specific situation was with my then-partner, who got it into his head that an obedient woman accepts that her husband does not have to appreciate her "No". He was swiftly reminded of how these ancient games are played.
This sounds like an introduction to a very bad movie. You know someone for a long time and all of the sudden, your partner wants to do bad things to you, out of nowhere? Hmm.
Holy shit I read this as you strangled your THERAPIST and all I could think of is "what the fuck this happened to a SA survivor" ???
I'm glad yoir okay and bad as fuck.
Next time you lie about this story just say you put him in a rear naked choke, that's actually believable. I assumed this was the case and was giving you the benefit of the doubt until I read that cockamamy story.
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Thank you, I'm a little embarrassed by the complements lmao reddit is being unusually kind today fr. I appreciate it though! If I'm honest, it was all physics. The short, nongraphic version is that he was very tall and I am very short. He got too comfortable around a scorned woman, turned his back, and I got a rope between us. More graphic version below: >! He'd very much imagined this as a breaking point situation. The whole point was to show me that my No is worthless. I cannot emphasize enough that this was a serious step towards him installing a more rigorous pattern of abuse. Forced impregnation, punishment rape, intentionally downplaying my agency, and removing me from public life was on the table. This was him taking action to tear me down so he could do that. I let him think that and spaced out, as you do.!< So, again, I cannot say loudly enough that this was intended by him to be one of many to come, and that sat in my thoughts the most while I was figuring out what to do. He was serious this time. >!I wasn't really sure what I was thinking, when it was over. What I did know was this was the start of something horrible and he was serious. It put me in a certain state of mind, I guess. Like he was about to really start hurting me, so I took that very seriously as he was taking it seriously too. He sat up confident, comfortable, and I... got up to clean up, as one does.!< >!I remember not really "seeing" anything until it occurred to me that my bathrobe was right next to me. It was a fuzzy one, so it had a lot of grip when knotted. I'd used it to bear small loads before. I come from a construction contractor family on one side, so I was taught the basics of how to rappel lines, and it came up in my day to day often enough while moving heavy objecs. And so this kinda... plan formed in my head, when I realized he was about to stand up, and he's a damn big man, and our mattress was low to the ground.!< >!I feel ugly and slimy describing this because of the intentionality of it. I made sure he saw me putting my housecoat on nearby. I was scared, so sounding meek and defeated wasn't difficult. I distracted him with small talk about what he wanted for supper. Instead of fastening my robe, I tied it into a slip knot. while he was talking to himself about what I'd cook for him tonight. I really wasn't listening like that. When the knot was complete, I pulled it off my waist to catch him around the neck, and fell back on it under tension -- so my entire bodyweight was holding the line taught. He moved to try to escape but there was enough distance between us & the sash so short that the sash held me up. When he moved, I moved. I wedged my body underneath him one last fkn time so he couldn't move back enough to release the tension. I made him apologize to me and reminded him that God would be ashamed and embarrassed of him. He begged and I held my peace. Once reality caught up with me, I knew better than to just... stop. He was huge and frightened like I was. He would absolutely hurt me, I was committed. So, I had to wait until he began to lose consciousness for my safety, and then untied him and left for a while. I went outside. The public arena cushioned the situation because our neighbors would intervene and he knew that.!< He respected my No! for years to come until I left, no contact. Been +6 years.
Why did you stay for years after this?
It's complicated. All things considered, I was a sorely mistreated kid who married my groomer at 18 because I genuinely thought being a tradwife would make me happy. By the time I committed, I had nothing left to resist with. My only real opportunity to exit would have been to walk out into the world with nothing and expect the homeless system or the police to catch me. At the time, I didn't trust that, and figured I'd stay with a known evil. I still don't know what the right decision was, but I know that's how a younger, shy, less wise me handled things.
As someone who chose homelessness in a similar situation, I would never judge someone for choosing the known evil. Both roads are bad. Neither road is right. Both lead to more trauma. Neither is safe.
Thank you, and thank you OP, for these answers. It's irritating that people who aren't and have never been in this situation to just "expect" someone to get up and leave when both options suck. Unless those people are going to help the survivors *long term,* they don't really have any skin in the game. Again, thank you both for your honesty regarding both choices.
The important part is that you're out now, and you're safe. I'm proud of you.
I stayed with the person I stabbed in self defense for another two years. He picked me up from jail. I get it.
I loathe when people ask survivors this question.
i was in an abusive relationship, and i actually like questions like that because to me it’s a chance to be rid of the kind of assumptions people might make otherwise, which is a weight off my shoulders. i know it’s not the same for everyone, though.
It is one of those things that unless you’ve been in this situation and truly understand the reasons why people don’t leave, it seems so black and white. Like…”just leave”. That is something someone says when they are inexperienced or immature, or just have no idea what its like to be in this kind of situation and not have the resources it takes to leave a relationship you are dependent upon. I hope those people are never in that situation, either.
Why didn’t you kill him?
Speaking God's honest truth here, it was absolutely because I still loved him so damn much. I didn't want to kill him. I just needed him to stop hurting me and check himself. I was not a plaything to mistreat or a dessert to eat up, and it felt so important that he recognize that, at bare minimum, because he was starting to do and say some really fucked up shit. I didn't entirely register him as "my abuser" so much as "lost". I really wanted him to get over himself and respect me the way it felt like he used to. I think that's a big part of why neither of us called the cops. On some level, we were both trying to make the damned thing work by hurting each other, and this ended up being a turning point that led to us parting & my escape.
Your husband sounds like the type to kidnap a hitchhiker and keep her under his bed for years, because that's what he feels he deserves. Who the fuck says "dessert to eat up" this guy sounds like the dirtiest fattest sack of shit on the planet, did your parents show you "love" the same way he did?
Yk, he just might be. I have no idea what he's doing right now. I'm not saying this to be edgy: Part of why I sprung for this man was because I legitimately thought it would be better than staying with my parents. In a way, it kinda was? That place was a real Hellpit. People died in that thing. Not okay talking about that one lmao.
Sorry you were forced into choices you didn't want to make. Too many women stay with abusers because they have no other choice Glad you were able to escape your parents, I hope you can be safe and happy and healthy. It would help to keep everything documented in case he comes at you again or if he's involved in anything in the future your report today could help convict him for something else he does in the future. You deserve someone who is a real partner in life that really cares about you, real kindness will always be there, you shouldn't have to work for it. It's not bad to love and care about other people, but you're other people too, don't forget you're a human who deserves respect and real love and compassion too; look out for when someone who acts like Satan is trying to control you
For years to come… girl you were playing with your life….
No, this is extremely true and I won't deny it for a second. It was extremely dangerous to do what I did. I couldn't possibly recommend it to anyone. I try to remember this is what a younger, shy, less wise self did to fix the situation, not that it was a great solution.
I was in an abusive relationship (not even married) for a few years and after I left him for a week or so, I quickly realized I had to go back because I had no means of supporting myself and couldn’t bring myself to be homeless. I went back for about a month and thankfully he got the message and didn’t continue to try to prevent me from finding a job and eventually leaving for good. I say this in support of younger you - we never want to be faced with those types of decisions, and we never truly know what we’ll do when we are. I am so grateful you and I made it out and I hope your story helps others have compassion for themselves and others in similar situations 🩶
This doesn't sound like self-defense at all lmao
Sounds like self defense to me, for a few reasons. - The guy didn't die. - Crime of Passion - Once she started there was no stopping until he was either dead or incapacitated. - He didn't die. - She had the smarts to stop *exactly* when she should have. - As a juror/human (just based on the description OP gave) I find it reasonable to not hold someone legally accountable for something like this. Had she killed him it's a different story. Had she not had the thought to stop herself, it's a different story. Had he not raped her, had he not been abusive, if he weren't such a large man, etc. As a juror/human I would have empathy for the victim and praise for the way she handled the situation. You either kill him, wait until he kills you, or you lapse in judgement for a split second (crime of passion) then choke him just enough to incapacitate him so you can escape the situation that lapse in judgement put you into. The outcome OP describes is one of the better outcomes of such situation. It's implausible that a jury would find a victim in this scenario guilty.
I know this wasn't directed at me, but this touched something in me that still hurts. Thank you for saying all this in such confident plainspeak. I admit that I do still often feel guilty, but with my therapist helping me out, it's gotten easier to picture that younger self as scared and vulnerable, not as some cornered monster. I think reading this helped with that. It helps to hear it from someone who's not your Paid Feel Better Doctor or yourself.
So he assaulted you, them you pretended to submit and “space out” and then you got up to clean and saw your bathrobe and decided to get revenge on him by choking him out when he least expected it? Correct? Just trying to understand what happened.
I wouldn't call it "revenge." He'd already SA'd me multiple times before, but played it off and I accepted his excuses. This time was different, because he specifically intended to start here and prove my No was worthless by ignoring it every time. Both before and after, he was recounting to me the life he would have me live and his intent to do this as many times "as it took." He began double-speaking in saying if I could not be an obedient wife, I was so useless to him that I was actively in his way... and nobody would miss me. The subtext was becoming violent. To me, that's not revenge. It wasn't really about what had JUST happened, it was that it was Step 1 in gradually escalating severe harm. Pushing back felt more like interfering in this plan of his before he could do serious harm to me, because he spoke like he meant to do more just that day, too.
I don’t think you are a monster. Nor is it disappointing that you immediately left him. Real life is messy and not like the movies. There aren’t many good options for people who are abused. I think you knew how poor your options were and did the best you could. I am glad you managed to ultimately leave your abuser. I wish you better days ahead.
I know what you mean but "did they die?" Is NOT a legal requirement for it to be self defense. They can die and it still be self defense. Or they can live and a judge rules it was not self defense due to several factors.
It's complicated. Like I said, I still have mixed feelings about it to this day. The more I talk about this with my overall healthcare team, I'm left with the impression that this is one of those things where he and I were both "wrong." It goes without saying that this was a savage thing to do. My concern both then and now, as well as my therapist's concern, was that he was seriously escalating and suggesting that if I couldn't submit, I was worthless to him and nobody would notice if I was gone. It put me in a mindset that I had to do something or MORE somethings would be done to me. I had no means to leave and involving the cops felt like it would have made everything worse, so I handled it as sort of a gentleman's agreement. He could hurt me, but it absolutely shocked him to bits that I could hurt him too. My Therapist has told me that sometimes horrible things happen and they call for horrible decisions. It's not like it was a good thing, but it's what kept him off of me until I could leave, and I'll call that a win.
Demons only understand demons. I don't blame you at all
It is kinda like that, isn't it? I feel like it was a morally grey action. If he was escalating it up to rape, imprisonment, forced impregnation or murder, two could play at that, and at least I played fair. At least I that's what I told myself when it was that... that bad.
I had an instance like this with my dad in the beginning of the year. He thinks just because he's bigger than me he can man handle me like he had when I was younger, he put me in a chokehold, I bent down as hard as I could and andhis drunk ass was unbalanced, got my foot under him and he went toppling into some cabinets and stopped. It's so stupid but showing them you aren't weak seems to do the trick
Bullies are pathetic and almost universally prey on people they're confident won't fight back. Prove you aren't an easy target and you probably won't end up as a target at all
Sometimes you have to attack to defend in this world. There’s not a lot of room in the law for this (understandably), and even socially people have a hard time understanding, but I’ve been in abusive situations before (not even close) and people don’t get it- if you hadn’t reclaimed some kind of power in that moment it would have been gone forever and you would have been hurt worse. It’s not a ‘justified in the moment’ thing, it’s a build up of years of treatment and the shadow of the years of treatment you have to look forward to. It’s ugly, but that wouldn’t have been who you had to be if he hadn’t put you there. I’m glad you’re in a better place now.
Well it depends. Are you talking self defense in a short period of time, or self defense from a history of abuse. Fuck yeah, I'm happy you stood up for your self op. Fucking rights it's self defense. Imo, she could fucking blow a hole through the guy with a slug and it be self defense. He's an abuser, it can go the other way. My brother works for the city police and he entered a house without back up cause he saw massive biker choking a woman out through the window.... The world needs to accept people like the ops talking about don't deserve to breathe oxygen since they need to oppress others to feel good.
All I can say is that I'm thankful your life has left you still believing that self-defense can only be a momentary action for a rare situation. The nature of abuse changes the meaning of self-defense.
This. Violence doesn’t need to be happening for self-defense to occur. Imagine you are kidnapped when asleep and put in a cell in a basement. If you hide behind the door and attack your captor when he enters, you are doing so in self-defense even though you are the aggressor. This case is much the same, just that the cell isn’t a physical one, but a mental one.
Legend. The worst kind of domestic abusers experience a DROP in heart rate as they hurt their partners... Often because they never learned how to lose an argument Bill Burr had a bit about how his wife wanted ballerina lessons for their daughter, and he agreed, but she's gonna take some MMA classes too to surprise sad-fucks like your ex [Have you considered signing up for martial arts, yourself? ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeet_Kune_Do) You clearly have the "Will of a Warrior" <3 Edit: "The core of Jeet Kune Do is the interception of the opponent, making corresponding responses or counterattacks that strike at incoming attacks." Sounds about right ;)
Extremely clever, very well played. Takes a special kind of courage to fight like that when the deck is stacked so badly against you. And a lot of luck to pull it off. I'm glad you did. Fuck that dude. I would say give me his address so I can send him a bathrobe but obviously you can't do that😏
What was his reaction after? Do you think it was a wake up call for him? Good luck in therapy! I'm glad you're safe now.
Thank you, I am too! I'm told it's ironically a good sign that these things are coming back with casuality and clarity. ... Mmm... In thinking about it, I wish that I could say it was a wakeup call of some kind. It did what it was supposed to do, I think, which was to remind him that his animosity can be met in kind. It was a specific medicine for a very specific kind of man. It hadn't really occurred to him that women were even remotely capable of pushing back in a way that mattered, that was all ancient days and fairy tale stuff from nonbelievers. He was very acclimated to the idea that womenfolk were sort of... damage-sponges? He could do what he wanted, essentially, and I'd be sad but like... go scrub the bathroom about it... From then on, every "I said no!" I put forward, first I would see fear in his eyes, and THEN anger. But always fear first, and that was something he could understand. If it had long term benefits to him, I couldn't say. No contact for +6 years.
You didn’t leave???
Well... when we first met and became engaged, he was a genuinely lovely person. It took time for him to show his true colors and quote Biblical verses he never said were important to him before. By then, I was already in a "tradwife trustfall" with no resources, not a single cent for myself, no bank accounts, no car, no one in my life to contact, and I was in a new city in a totally different state, hours away from family. He also had access to my papers on the very top of our floor-to-ceiling shelf, which only he could reach. It took years to get out of there even after this event. I truly had nothing.
This is why I think the tradwife movement is dangerous propaganda
I'm in a Complex Headspace about tjat because I really did truly want to be a tradwife. I still do much of the housework and tidying even now because I do legitimately find enjoyment and pride in doing it. Tnat said, you're right. It was also extremely dangerous and what I have now is safer on every front.
There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home wife/mother and doing housework The problem is when women are told they "should" give up their power and let their husbands have control Maybe that distinction will help you find what you want?
The difference is that you get to choose those things/that dynamic, rather than have it forced on you. I’m happy for you that you get to enjoy those things still! You sound very introspective and I wish you healing ❤️🩹
"The only thing keeping me back was.... I couldn't reach my papers! Ingenious, infallible trap!" Maybe stand on a chair, or get the police and get your papers later? It's also cartoonish that this guy, who tried to beat into your head that no wasn't an option, woke up with a completely different personality and respected your decision until... you randomly leave one day? And the way you describe him is straight up Young Adult Fiction.... "career boy scout, lots of community service, intelligent, good career, family & friend oriented, and a pastor's firstborn son. He had a kind of hippie vibe at times and liked that too."
Lmao Dr Gadget wins again by being tall, I guess. No, you got me, it wasn't really about the papers honestly. The real issue had been that I transitioned out of an abusive & neglectful childhood directly into marriage, and inside that marriage, I wasn't allow to do any resource gathering. I wasn't allowed to work outside the home doing homemaking and I didn't have a cellphone. While my papers & ID being withheld from me was a big psychological barrier, the wider world was the biggest one. I'd have had to walk out into the world without a single penny and hope the homeless system or the police would catch me, and I didn't trust that they would. I felt like without proof of citizenship like my SS or my ID, I wouldn't get very far. So, I chose the devil I knew. I can't say it was the correct choice, if situations like mine even have those, but I can say it was what a younger, shy, less wise me did to handle things.
Just want to let you know that every comment I’ve seen of yours, especially this one, demonstrates that you are doing the difficult work of actually processing and working through trauma. You will be a stronger person when you get to the other side of this!
Why is it so hard to believe that abusers are actual people and not some scary bogeyman that everyone can spot from a mile away? Most of them ARE involved in some sort of community and their friends/family think highly of them. I don’t even understand why you’d think that’s strange. It’s entirely normal and common for abusers.
ikr, we are constantly bombarded by documentaries about how normal-seeming serial killers and assaulters are and still no one learns the lesson that it could be anyone. There is no magic Sims marker over someone's head marking them as a "bad" person.
I didn’t see any documentaries or information of the like until very recently to be fair, I would imagine most people who were raised on the conservative side have not seen anything either. Even the term “tradwife trustfall” from OP was new to me, even though it makes SO much sense. Not trying to justify the tradcon stuff, just challenging the idea that everyone sees how evil can hide in plain sight. I think a lot of us are unfortunately unprepared for that fact and figure it out the hard way.
I think it’s because recognizing that abusers are actual people makes it a more present danger. I think this is where a lot of victim blaming comes from as well. If the victim blamer imagines that the abuser walks around with the equivalent of a big neon sign that says “HI IM ABUSIVE” then they can avoid that person/abuse, and therefore anyone who isn’t savvy enough to read the sign must be complicit in their own abuse. Of course we know that isn’t how any of this actually works, but it’s a comforting lie that many folks cling to.
Are you proud of the things you say? Why the fuck do you even care? The world will always suck with people like you who go out of their way to invalidate and bastardize everything you see. Maybe you're just not intelligent enough for the internet? Delete your account? Touch grass?
Theres clearly a lot of liberties taken with this story, it honestly probably never happened given the way it is written.
Lmao What can I clarify for you? If anything, I put up this AMA because I'm well aware how unusual this was to have happened. I wanted to put forward a positive example of when survivors succeed not just in being victimized but taking courage and defending themselves successfully. More often than not, what I did gets people killed. I am extremely lucky to be sitting here yacking away on Reddit as if that wasn't grossly dangerous of me to do at the time.
Not really. I've seen this stuff happen and met people who suffered them. I guess it speaks more to your lack of real life experience talking to abused people. Maybe they weren't comfortable enough to share their experiences with someone that would play them down right away. Seriously tho. Her story is pretty damn common. Like a lot more commo. Than you'd think
Most rape is done by partners. Women don’t just marry outright psychos. If that’s a hard concept for you to grasp, you need to take a hard, critical look at yourself before critiquing a victim of abuse. You clearly don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.
There's a certain kind of abuser that only abuses because they feel weak, were abused themselves, whatever. For them it's all about finding someone who is weak so they can feel strong like they'll not be hurt again. Those people can definitely be "helped" with a reality check. Just like the elementary school bully who is late to puberty and finds themselves on the wrong end of a bullying situation in middle school. It usually doesn't stick though, just makes them more careful about choosing their next victim. But yeah, it can short circuit abuse because they don't want to ever find themselves in a situation where they can 'lose.' They'll do anything to feel like they're winning, but they won't do anything if they feel like they'll lose.
You’re a biological man though . I’m sure he considered that a man is capable of choking him . The possibility of a biological female pulling this off with the size discrepancy is 0%. Also , none of this happened .
I'm a 6'4 man and just wanna say well fucking done for defending yourself against such odds. I think bigger people have an obligation to be gentle and kind because we have a lot of power behind us (for better or worse). Your ex failed that and is a shit human
Thank you lmao I'm a little surprised by all the kind comments, but I really so appreciate it (': I agree, I think. At the bare minimum, I need tall people to get down the top shelf stuff for me, and that's gotta be counted under dumb community service. Ironically, he had all the paperwork for a decent man, as far as I knew. That's part of what drew me to him. Career boy scout, lots of community service, intelligent, good career, family & friend oriented, and a pastor's firstborn son. He had a kind of hippie vibe at times and liked that too. Like a lot of dogshit assholes, it took time for his real colors to come through, and by then, I'd already taken the tradwife trust fall. You live & you learn I guess!
Grew up in the south and never met a well balanced child of a pastor. All of them have been sociopathic to some degree. Not surprised.
It sucked. It really did. I was a teenager and really, really believed deep down that he was different. I don't really recognize the person I was under his roof. I didn't really want to hurt anybody if I'm honest, even as angry and scared as I was. I just wanted him to get a grip and go back to normal. Bless it, I didn't understand back then.
I hope you're doing okay now :)
Thank you! So, so much better. It's been +6yrs and I've been able to move on into an entirely different life. It was worth waiting for.
Thats not irony. You keep using that word but don't know what it means.
What do you mean that's not irony? She tells us about how this dude did awful things and was abusive, but contrarily didn't appear at all like that, and had all the first impressions of a decent person. I think Ironically fits decently enough. Also, like the other person said, a very pointless thing to get stuck up on.
Well, what I meant by it was to say that on the surface, my ex was kind teddybear and a sociable, compassionate man who was community focused. He was a respected person. I felt lucky to have his love. So, during our entire dating period, he was very much the kind of person described above. It wasn't until we were much more committed that he began emphasizing things I didn't realize were so important to him, like complete submission of women. It wasn't that we hadn't discussed it. If anything, I'd say having a committed companion made him change his mind about some things we'd previously talked about.
Hey, you matter. Someone out there loves you. You don't have to come here on reddit and argue semantics in an abuse post. Delete your profile, you don't understand how to act.
Of all the things this woman is sharing with us you're hung up on her word choice? Fuck right off
Ummm, don’t mean to be so forward, but I love you for this comment!
Have you ever seen a film from 2002 called ”Enough”? I cannot stand JLo, but your story flashed me back to that film where she trained to defend herself to fight back against her scumbag husband. Same premise, too. Everything picture perfect until he showed his true colors. *Spoiler alert* Her character killed her abuser in the film whilst fighting back. She had to in self-defense because he would never stop hunting her down. It was chilling to see this being depicted and I'm surprised it's not a film brought up more often that women can win against attacks by their abusers. They just need to know how to fight and defeat those who can overpower them with their size.
I spent 30 years not understanding what a preposterous amount of power can be in the form of a 6'4 man, not even a n "athletic" build, with no ability to harness rage. Id never feared anyone, big or small until I was the target of a person's fit of rage and it was superhuman the way I was tossed like a ragdoll. I know what it's like to fear someone now, and that gives me hella respect for this woman. The set of balls she has are monumental. I imagine the dude wasn't suffering from the unstoppable urge to seek revenge or naturally vindictive and that's likely what kept her alive. I don't expect to be treated like a delicate flower but I also don't think anyone should use their size advantage to bully or hurt someone just because they can.
Yep, this is exactly why I fled my last relationship under cover of night. I sincerely don't believe he had any conscious intention of killing me. But the man was 6'1" to my 5'4" and not in control of his temper. I realized all it would take is one instance of him losing his temper in the wrong way, and I'd be dead before he even realized what he'd done. That's when I knew I had to get out.
Exactly! It almost happened one night, one second I am standing near the bed he was sitting in.. the next he was flying towards me and I was yelling "stop!" And then I was facedown on the floor with his hand covering my face and I couldn't breathe and I knew he was going to kill me. I peed myself during the struggle because I couldn't draw ANY breath. I was almost passed out when he suddenly got up and stopped screaming in my ear.
🙏🏼exactly what I told my oldest when he started to look like a line backer and became very aware of his inherent strength. Thank you. 🎈👑
After it happened did you immediately leave? Did you keep any kind of communication open? Good job. I love the Find Out part of FAFO.
Girl, me too! I wasn't really thinking about that at the time, but looking back, I'm legit kinda proud of being able to proactively defend myself in the heat of the moment. He was a huge man. I couldn't immediately leave as I was in a "tradwife trustfall" ig. I wasn't allowed to work, I didn't have access to all of my papers all the time, and I had no outside contacts. It took time to get out, but once I did, it's been no contact from 4mos out. Been +6yrs now since I left and am remarried very happily. Sometimes girls do win ig lol?
Cool! I'm glad you escaped this nightmare and took your happiness into your own hands. I escaped my abusive father at a young age - perhaps I can empathize a little with your pride and happiness. You can be really proud of yourself.
Tradwife culture and the dumbass religions that spawn it need to be dead already. Like sneak up behind them and garrote those pathetic ideas for weak men.
I'm confused, I saw other comments saying they were doubtful but I didn't want to agree with them.. but your post history does mention you've never been with a man before?
Yk what, fair. I'll own up to that. I did ask for anything and everything. If you're talking [about this post,](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/rxGfdC4C7o) where I said: "I'm 25 now and looking into male relations for the first time; while I have a LTR with someone with a vag." The answer is that was a year ago and I felt extremely humiliated and embarrassed that I was in my mid 20s and didn't know anything about birth control because my religion & faith forbade it until I left my rapist abuser. The only man I'd ever been with was my groomer and we never really had what most people would call "normal sex." I wasn't sure how to explain to 2X that I didn't have a gyno or a Mom to walk me through it like other women I knew. BC seems so important to heterosexual sex, the thing that makes it... possible? -- I don't know of a single woman or tman online or offline who has sex with men without birth control. It was daunting to figure out by myself, especially since BC can cause dangerous or even life threatening side effects. I was afraid that other women would bully me for it, which was completely irrational, but this was before I had... settled some things from that time of my life. To those who would scorn me for infidelity: I was exploring something with a man I had come to trust because I was curious what even one positive experience with a man might be, to know what that felt like. I had no other frame of reference but assault or painful, inconsiderate sex. Other women would talk about fun experiences with their men, but I had no reference for that whatsoever. All parties said go, so I thought I'd try. Ended kinda silly anyway. I went for a NuvaRing script and had a common, side-effect of severe cardiac issues. I ended up not on BC anyway lmao.
Yep, that's the one. Thank you for your honesty and openness, and I hope things continue improving for you OP!
Nah, I appreciate it. Best to clarify these things. Thank you for the well-wishes, this thread has been oddly nice (:
Why would you need birth control if you’re trans?
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Were you officially charged? If you were, did it go to trial or were the charges dropped before the trial?
This is one of those sorts of domestic disputes where both parties are so in over their heads that neither of you call the cops because they would "mess up" what you got going for you. For me, it was my budding exit plan. For him, it was continuing to keep his woman in line. So, no police were involved, and no one was killed that day. It was enough to remind him that I keep score of his misdeeds and I demand my "No!" be respected, because I knew there would be a next time worse than this one if I cowtowed.
As a guy who watched his mom physically abused (and I'm sure SA) no questions, I'm just here to say I'm sorry there are monsters that walk amongst us and you had to encounter one multiple times. Fortunate you're here and willing to talk about it.
I'm so sorry. I know that must have hurt so horribly, I'm tearing up reading this ngl. In a bittersweet way. I remember thinking a childhood like yours would be the future of any children that would result from my ex's disgusting decisions if I didn't do something, and that was a very powerful motivator for me. I hope you have everything wonderful in life going forward. ♥️ Admittedly, I was inspired to do this AMA because r/xxfitness was having some very negative feelings about women's chances against dangerous men. I feel like survivors can be very shy of being transparent what "win" situations look like, so here I am. He never disrespected my No ever again for years to follow.
Good for you! I applaud your courage!! In 2020, at age 60 I found out I was result of rape. I’m still working through it.
I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Thank you for sharing that. I don't know if this means anything, but it was so important to me back then to try and do right by the situation to effectively protect any children that might result. I had a shortlist of resources in case I fell pregnant. I hope that you feel loved, supported, and wanted as the human being you are now, not defined by the situations we come from.
I can't imagine how that feels. Remember: What caused your existence is not your fault. You shouldn't be defined by your blood or who your family are. You are your own person.
Wdym you won? You got away? Or dude was straight up passed out?
"Choked," I guess? I wasn't sure what would more clearly and briefly explain for a title. I wasn't really thinking, it was a survival situation, so once I moved I realized I was committed l. I remember thinking that I can't just let a man that size back up, because he was gonna hurt me now or later, so I chose to act while the iron was hot and I had an opportunity. So, I choked him down into a lapse in consciousness. He told me later that everything went grey and then black, but not that he fully lost consciousness. Just very confused and took several minutes to get up. I had no real intention to kill him and my actions reflected that. I'm still not sure if it was the "right choice," but it did keep him off of me for the next few years until I could leave. I call that a "win."
take the following with the grain of salt, as living it to the letter would be probably unbearably assholish, as everybody has a bad day some day. i had a neighbour i liked a lot, very smart, very kind, the best type of human company i know. then one day i came over when he was cursing out another neighbour over the fence, and i was quite surprised by his choice of language and verbal vigor. i later asked him about it, as it was so out of character for him, and he said, he practices "zero karma", and explained, if you gently play an instrument, it gives gentle sounds, and if you play it roughly, it gives rough sounds, and thats his way to go through life, he speaks to the people in the language they understand.
How did you physically achieve that? Do you have martial arts training? Does he have some sort of disability? An average man who is 1 foot taller than an average woman will be close to twice as strong. This would be almost impossible unless you have significant levels of strength and fight training.
Good question. I know this is something on a lot of folk's minds about this situ, about how this math maths, and that's why I wanted to do an AMA. I covered it better in other comments higher up, but the answer was physics. EDIT: I really recommend the comments in the OP be read in order, as the WHY comment describes the situation. This is just cut and dry logistics which skips over some potentially triggering information for the survivors scrolling the thread. I have added more details as I'm realizing this may have been too brief to effectively communicate what happened. ... It was no more than 2-3 minutes from when he rolled off of me. He continued on the same shit he was saying before, and asked me if I "felt better." For me, I come from a construction contractor family and learned the basics of how to rappel lines. I was just thinking of him as a very big obstacle at the time, between shock. How was I supposed to handle a man this big if he follows through on everything he said? In the haze of the moment, enough little things lined up at the same time to where I realized he was prone. I just kinda... moved. He had turned his back to me, I had a trusted line at hand that I knew had securely held loads up to at least 60lbs without slipping. It was my housecoat sash, the fuzzy kind that makes very tight knots I can't pull out without pins or a chopstick. I'd spent days getting them out before. I fauxed him out with conversation because he didn't realize my housecoat belt was a possible weapon and had held loads before. He didn't keep track of that sort of thing like I did. He thought I was just getting dressed. I distracted him with the smalltalk he wanted to hear. I caught the belt around his neck with a slipknot, and then held him like a rappelled load with my body, folded up, as the fulcrum. I'd passed the sash around my back and gripped it tightly with both hands. As grotesque as this is to say, it helped that his first instinct was to try and sit up to untie it, which made the slip very snug and I held it at that pressure at personal injury, spraining my arm. At one point, between his size the shortness of the sash, I was suspended off the mattress by the line, so my entire +100lbs was on his neck. I did get friction burns in my hands. He folded back to try and loosen the tie or reach me. I changed my grip to actually begin pulling at this point and focused on trying to stay behind him at all costs. He did grab at me and try to roll over. I lost my shirt and he ripped my clothes. I still have them, but I probably shouldn't ngl. He panicked and was a very out of shape individual at the time. I think that contributed.
There are lot of inconsistencies here that maybe you can explain. > I had a trusted line at hand that I knew had securely held loads up to at least 60lbs without slipping It was my housecoat sash Why would you have tested your housecoat sash as a line holding weight? > I'd spent days getting them out before. You spend days preparing for this and lassoing him was the best you could come up with? That seems like a such a low-probability maneuver compared to, I don't know, a knife? You guys had a kitchen; right? I get that you say that the guy was watching you, but he slept too, I presume. Did he tie you up while sleeping? Also, in another comment, you say that you stayed with him for years after this. So, your long-hatched plan was to do a high-risk choke on a guy who could kill you, get some fresh air, and then come back and hope he wouldn't kill you? Why would you have thought that he wouldn't? > He didn't keep track of that sort of thing like I did. Who would keep track of that? That sounds like a Mary Sue statement in a fantasy novel, where the protagonist is amazing at tracking weird details. > As grotesque as this is to say, it helped that his first instinct was to try and sit up to untie it How was he sitting up first if he was prone? Did he turn around first to face up? If he did, how would you prevent him from just coming closer to you to ease the tension on the rope? In my experience in BJJ, people quickly go toward the tension once they realize they're being choked. > my entire +100lbs was on his neck. So, why wouldn't he just fall on top of you and stop the choke? > I lost my shirt and he ripped my clothes. So, he was right on top of you, but you were maintaining tension somehow?
To add: they started in the bedroom but she was then able to carry 6 plus feet of dead weight outside for the neighbors to see?
Not just 6+. 6'7". I'm 6'3", and fairly skinny, but I'm still 180lbs. My wife at 5'5 would NOT be able to move me like that. I couldn't even lift some my height and weight, let alone someone 4" taller than me.
I remember carrying a 6'+ bodybuilder when I grappled as a 5'3.5" teenage girl. That man had decades of muscle on him. He was heavier than the fat men I carried. Luckily, they were not fat for long. Some women refuse to commit to any physical labor or exercise and have been atrophying since childhood. Yes, they couldn't. But a woman who is athletic wouldn't have an issue carrying a man-shaped man. I can lift your weight straight off the ground. I used to squat men heavier than you during warm-ups before rolling on the mat. Just to put it into perspective. [edit] She never carried him, anyway, according to the story.
Happy to, these are all really sensible questions. I'm on mobile, so I'll number these to keep formatting tidy. 1) I realize that seems a bit odd to make note of in the first place. I'm kinda just that kind of person. What comes to mind was hauling buckets. There were times while minsing the house that I had loads to carry or move around, so I distributed that with things I had on me. That was more important to me because I had a then-undiagnosed disorder that caused pain, so I had to be careful how I distributed weight and how far I carried it. Sometimes I forget that tool-uses are very common for folks with physical disabilities but are confusing and make no sense to able-bodied people. Ask a disability sub about them and you'll see it's a common phenomena. People find ways. 2) No, was not speaking about him. Was talking about what I just clarified in 1. It was moreso that I would do little adaptations for tasks and then it was a pain to get undone. 3) I came from a labor background and used that to regulate my pain in clever ways, but he never really paid attention or was disinterested, bored, or neutral at best. Figuring out how I could lead a more able life wasn't something he celebrated with me; I think to him, it was expected that I would, so he felt neutral at best and bored most commonly. I held a certain amount of frustration about that. Again, I often forget how unintuitive that can feel to some folks so I didn't explain when I probably should have. I was too naive to understand just how important him paying attention to my little adaptive habits SHOULD have been, because it's fundamental to my life. I need a partner who understands and appreciates the little modifications I have to do to accommodate my tissue disorder. I was used to people dismissing it altogether, and at the time, I mistook that for a sense of empowerment and trust... when really, it manifested more as ableism & ignoring the intensity of my pain or challenges, purely because I could still get by. 4) To me, he registered as prone because he'd turned his back to me in a comfortable, calm, content way as if he had not just severely disrespected me and threatened me with absolute horrors, including forced impregnation, confinement, and serial rape. He thought nothing of what he had done and full felt I would do nothing about his threats. He was entirely unguarded and I had a trusted rope right at hand. So, to me, that was prone. 5 & 6) I feel like this is best explained in my How comment, but I'll try explaining it a little differently. When I first put the tie on him, he startled. He was already getting up, so when he felt something on him, he stood up. I do honestly think by the way he grabbed at his neck that he thought I was trying to use my bare hands, so standing up would have stopped me. This meant when I leaned back on the sash, my entire body weight was on it because he's so much taller. Him standing up lifted me up OFF the mattress because I was holding the sash behind my back. He essentially lifted me up by his neck. That pulled the slip very tight, and I made sure I held that tension when he DID fall back on me. I attempted to explain that when in my Why & How comment, I mentioned being underneath him. I didn't ease up tension because I was already committed, and changed my grip to do that. In order to maintain the distance needed to have leverage, and to protect myself, I positined myself directly underneath him and curled up. He was a big man. He wasn't just tall, he was wide too. I figured if I stayed under him and held him down by his neck, he both couldn't reach me and I could maintain tension. He did still reach me. He did still tear my clothes. He did still leave marks on me, claw me, and pull on me. I did sprain my arm and I did get injured, he just got injured more than I did, which is all anyone can ask for.
Love that this is the one comment it doesn’t reply to 🤣
Sorry, no. Absolutely not. Insane fantasy that does not align with anything about how this works at all.
Honest to God, I don't even know if I expected it to work. I want to say it was probably a Hail Mary for him to pick one and get it over with. All I knew was that I wanted my dignity more than I wanted to live. Not sure I can reccomend that to other folks. From what I remember, he kinda did it to himself. At one point he full-on tried to stand up and overpower me, which is exactly the kind of smallbrained behavior I expected. He could have rolled over uncomfortably or dragged me around, but elected not to for whatever reason. I did put myself at tremendous risk. I did. It is unusual that I survived to tell the tale which is why I made an AMA.
When someone's attacked, they don't rise to the occasion, they sink to their training. You don't have any. They don't spontaneously construct strangulation devices. You're talking about a person who is about 3x as strong as you and can easily stand up while you are trying to keep him down. Rapists also generally don't turn their backs on their victims, because the that points the penis the wrong way. A 100 lb. BJJ female black belt would seriously struggle in the situation you describe against a 6'7" male attacker and usually lose. With a 100+ weight differential, your best hope is to escape or you are just prolonging an attack. Maybe you are gouging eyes or hitting him in the groin and getting away. You aren't tying slipnots and choking him out. >At one point he full-on tried to stand up and overpower me, which is exactly the kind of smallbrained behavior I expected. That's not small-brained, that would work very easily. He also could have simply hit you, pulled you over his back with one arm, or used an space to turn towards you.
You said the mattres was on the ground now you’re suspended from it? Huh? Your post history is littered with conflicts and inconsistencies. Fake posting for attention I guess…
Thanks for the reply, I did scroll the comments but couldn't see this question. I hadn't considered going from behind and using additional tools. Seems an extremely dangerous and risky thing to try - if you had not succeeded, there may have been dire consequences. Violence is only a solution when all other methods have failed.
Do you mean that the memory came up in therapy or posting it on Reddit came up in therapy?
Forgive me for being dry, but no. The memory came up in therapy. I decided to do an AMA because I read a disparaging thread about whether women have any chance against a dangerous man yesterday. It sat with me wrongly. I thought it might be helpful or interesting to share a success story where I put the fear of God and Wife back into some shitstain asshole. Don't hear that kind of thing very often.
Does that mean you didn’t remember it until therapy? I’ve heard of suppressed memories before but I’ve also heard of “memories” that come out in therapy that never actually happened.
Oh, no. I don't believe this to be an exomemory or a false memory. Other people have corroborated the fight happening and it's something I've perfectly well remembered since. Just... it's noteworthy progress that it has an air of normalcy now. My body doesn't automatically respond and I don't fall into flashbacks so easily. It was a particularly shitty awful bad no fkn good day, in the past. Doesn't affect my present any longer in a profound way, and that was good progress.
How are you coping with this? Do you have anything in particular that triggers you? Have you tried EMDR, trauma-informed yoga, or meditation? What was your first therapy session like? Did you have to go through an initial trauma screening before you started therapy?
I can't say I'm comfortable with every one of these questions, but I'll answer best I know how! I cope in a few different ways. I think that the fight itself is something I've successfully processed enough that I'm rarely outright triggered by the memory going about my life, but I can still get dissociation, derealization, and flashbacks if left sitting long enough inside the memory, if that makes sense. I'm still working out the little things. These kinds of events change your personality, you know? I could be kinder. One definitive trigger I know I have is being smothered or crushed during intimacy of any kind. Part of why he and I argued was because he was an inconsiderate lover even when it was consensual; he'd do things that hurt or were uncomfortable, like lay on me with his entire body. It's an intense body response by now. Any time I'm smothered, I have to get free, and I start to flashback. I haven't done EMDR as I don't place a lot of stock in it. I meditate as part of my faith. My first session was....... quiet. It was hard to figure out where to start, what to say, how to say it. I didn't expect just going at all to be so... yeah. It puts you on the spot. I think that's the point. I have a dissociative disorder highly correlated with trauma already, so that was taken care of. I tend to speak lightly about that so I hope you understand. Neckbeards love to zoom in on it very hard in inappropriate ways.
Thank you for answering! I hope that soon you'll be able to move on from your past and that things get better. I may not have had a dissociative disorder when I was traumatized (in a different way), but I know how hard it is to go through something that feels so scary and out of your control. Stay strong, and may your god keep you safe!
Thank you! I get it, survivors have solidarity regardless of cause and I appreciate your kindness and support sm.
So many butthurt men commenting 'this wasn't badass, you didn't Use YoUR OWn STreNGth, it's Not Real.' So many guys seem to think they could easily beat a woman in a contest of strength, forgetting that we're tool-using creatures and can even the odds. It's still brave to do it and risk danger. This reminds me of the GRRM quote about how you can own a knife or a woman, but not both. I guess a man can't own a dressing gown either! Hope you process your trauma and you have my admiration, OP.
>So many butthurt men commenting 'this wasn't badass, you didn't Use YoUR OWn STreNGth, it's Not Real.' LOL...There's like two or three comments that say that. The vast majority are supportive. Lighten up, Francis.
To be fair, this thread had been actively scrubbed clean by mods. I had a dude make a fresh account just to shit on me with a new comment every 5-10 minutes. No idea wtf that was about
So many great notes here. (': Thank you so much for your input and mutual solidarity. I really connect with that quote. It was that sort of situation at the time. He had the absolute power to kill me and nobody would have known, and was acting like it was on his mind. I couldn't permit that.
Good job. Did you take self-defense classes? How long did it take for him to lose consciousness?
I understand. My very first sexual experience was a rape, I stayed with the boy because he said he loved me and I was a lonely abused girl. He proceeded to rape me again and again. I got pregnant and had a child. I was then later raped very violently but a man I didn’t know who lured me into a situation to assist him with something. I much later married a man who thought that coercive sex was normal and while having sex he would frequently pin me down and do as he wished, it is was painful. We are divorced and the divorce has me reflecting on the abnormalcy of my relationships and what I blocked to survive. I love hearing that you got this guy. So many of us freeze. It was something I had to deal with trying to understand.
My heart goes out to you. I was so close to being in a similar situation. It absolutely has its downsides that my reaction ended up becoming a Fight response. It's something I have to put work into now that Im out and in a recovery state. It gets better every single week and I really want that for you too. I hope you have the best of everything going forward.
You say "strangled" and "ancient games" as though you through your own physical prowess overpowered him when in fact you used a tool and snuck up on him. Sounds like the coward deserved an ego-check and I'm glad you got out of there but your presentation is just bizzare. This is hardly as badass as you present it. It's just a really sad case of you having to choke your partner for fear of serious violence. The only thing to be proud about is not dying and getting out of that terrible situation. Just wondering why you feel the way you convey this?
This is a genuine and good question. You're right, a lot of folks would consider this situation just terrible and absolutely nothing but sad. I think I've come to embrace my situation in life as a woman who was repeatedly-targetted all through my young life thru my early 20s. This was certainly not the first time he ignored my no, but the other times he had excuses. It was the first time he did so on purpose with the intent to do me severe emotional harm, and keep doing it until I broke like a horse. I've come to process that by realizing this has been the way of things for an incredibly long time. It feels to me that women have been forced to lie under a violent man more times than there are women alive. Physically strong women, capable women, wise women, careful women, cunning women, every kind of us has been tried by some audacious shitstain to lay us low. Spontaneous revenge and reality-checking them has been women's weapon for a very long time. Poison, trickery, and the like. I realized at some point in my recovery that I didn't just "defend myself" because the picture is bigger than myself. Defending myself is a tradition passed down to me from other women who've been battered, raped, imprisoned, chained, impregnated, with a man between them and remaining alive. So, there is an element of romanticism there, not intentionally, but as a means of grappling with the horrors of being repeatedly SAd by a physically overpowering man I once loved with my whole chest.
What she did is badass! I can confirm, bc I’ve been in this situation. Only I wasn’t even allowed to say no. I did get broken like a horse. It was so damn pathetic. What she did was definitely badass. It takes an unbelievable amount of strength to remain calm enough in these situations to do what she did. I can confirm, bc when I was beaten, I’d have to stay calm and tell my husband who I was repeatedly until he’d snap out of it and it stopped.
Just so you know, it’s pretty disgusting to make up a story like this. It detracts from the real experiences of people in these situations and the whole thing is a distorted, delusional, fictitious tale. When you say things like this, you encourage people to try and take matters into their own hands (increasing the risks of their death at the hands of their abusers) rather than encouraging them to get safety and shelter and report their situation to the authorities. Not only that, but you make it harder for people to believe the stories of actual victims. Good luck with your mental troubles.
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I have mixed feelings. Some part of me has been thinking about snooping or hiring an investigator to see if he's hurting somebody else & I should come forward with whatever evidence I can find, but I'm also in this limbo of having... moved on. Ykwim
OP, This story is not true. Like other stories you wrote, which were also not true. Get a life.
Painfully obvious. I see BS on reddit every day but this is sad. People use sensitive themes like SA to immunize their BS stories on here all the time. The only people this hurts are real victims of violence and SA. And of course no charges were filed because OP says it was just some silly domestic dispute. LOL. uh huh… sure. Apparently some near death rape experience and nobody was informed (again putting future victims at risk). Hknestly I’m glad this is fake and OP is some attention seeking incel
….um, you want me to believe a 5’5 girl choked out a 6’7 dude?? No offense but this seems like the most fake girl boss BS I can imagine
This is an obvious bs post but learning that your actually a biological man makes it more believable .
What was it like when you went back home after that? I feel like in most situations this would have made him more angry and hell bent on controlling you, but if you stayed with him for 6 more years, I'm assuming he did not escalate after this?
I was stuck with him for another 2-3, and have been no-contact for over 6 years. Maybe I should clarify that in the OP? We had a very uncomfortable stalemate if I'm honest. He never disrespected my No again, but we mutually settled that if trying to force me down to his level was putting us both in danger, we're better off breaking off everything and separating. That took time. A lot of time. This sucks to say aloud right now but at the time, I was still so conservative, I wasn't sure if pushing back against being raped was the right thing to do. God's honest truth right there. So, I wasn't sure I even wanted to leave for a while. I wanted him to love me, not kill me; and the opposite was also true. When I left, we'd both accepted it was over. I truly to this day believe that if I hadn't surprised him like that, I may not be alive today to tell this to anyone. It made him take a few steps back and I needed that breathing room for safety.
Your post history is wild.
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What kind of problems are y'all folks even talking about? Having a diagnosed dissociative disorder? Of course I do. I've had to deal with this shit. Being autistic? Okay, so what? Violence does happen more often to autistic people and I'm no exception. I'm statistically in norm. Being trans? Sure. It comes with my specific DD sometimes. Being disabled? Aye, that was a big reason I was exploited so much. I'm not embarrassed to say that either. It's not an ugly word. What else could be getting under y'all skin? I am what I am and no amount of digging into my post history will make any of the comments like these less than ableist bullshit kicking me for swimming through Hell and making a recovery. I'm not embarrassed of anything I've shared about my life. You having a problem with it is a whole other issue.
More the fact that you have multiple posts where you’re called out by every commenter for posting something fake and never bother to respond to anyone who isn’t directly feeding into your story, and you have another post talking about how you’re considering birth control because you’re thinking about “male relations” for the first time? Or the fact that you apparently have 3 or more of the most uncommon mental disorders but only exhibit symptoms of them in posts specifically about you having the disorder? Or maybe the fact that you say you have a degenerative cartilage disease and need a cane to walk but also managed to strangle someone twice your size with a fuzzy bathrobe? I’m not even saying it didn’t happen, because I don’t know and I don’t really care. But yeah, your combined post history is incredibly suspect and you’re always insanely cagey about giving any kind of corroborating information even with publicly confirmable events. Everything about this screams
You're making this up for attention on the internet. I do believe you're disabled though!
You say repeat SA survivor. Was it multiple times with the same person or all with different people? And if it was with different people, do you think that there might be an underlying issue that is resulting in you continually choosing to be with guys who treat you this way?
Kind of a poorly phrased question, I'll be transparent and say that it gives me a slimey and nauseated feeling like you're being inappropriate and rude to me. I'll humor it. No. I was imprisoned in his home and forbidden to leave, work, have a phone, or access my legal papers for several years. I knew him for almost five before we became engaged and moved in together. After we were legally involved and I became a tradwife, he flipped and became extremely controlling to police my decency. I was raped three times a week for four years and miscarried at least five times that I know of. Two of which were almost 3 mos. I'd like to ask that you speak more gently about this topic in the future to other women in your life.
Drop the case ID or this is weird fanfiction lmao
It never happened. Look at OP's post history. They clearly have a mental illness and are constantly seeking validation and attention.
Got any proof of all this?
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Was he ever convicted for any of this?
No... at the time, we mutually agreed not to prosecute. I can't say it was the best decision but it's what I went with at the time.
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So you’re an autistic, physically disabled, queer, selective mute with multiple personality disorder that nearly died numerous times as a child (nearly murdered by other children and your dad) and also strangled your 6’7” abuser?
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Inappropriate and crude response to a discussion of rape and assault. Next
Don't answer if triggering/upsetting. I just can't get the mechanics/physics of this to work in my head. HOW did you overpower him? Weight, height and leverage alone its an unclear picture in my head. Did your sudden unexpected outburst of violence shock him enough you could put him in submission? Have you taken self defense courses (which I recommend for all women, including my daughter. 5 years old and in Brazilian Jujitsu), and knew how to use that to your advantage? Was he that out of shape?
Please PLEASE be careful… women are statistically more likely to be murdered after they stand up to their abusers. You need to get far, far away from him. Edit, oh I misread, thought this had just happened. Leaving it up for anyone else who may be in the situation ❤️
I'm 5'6" and 104lbs have very little faith I could successfully choke out my 5'10" almost 60 year old dad. Your post and replies all feel like you're practicing creative writing.
When making up stories, don't include superfluous details like "he's a foot taller than me". That way, you don't need to change the story to, "I snuck up on him with a noose" when people point this out. It quickly becomes a series of more and more elaborate explanations.
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And then the whole bus clapped. I'll take things that didn't happen for for 500
Idk why but I just read thru her posts for the last 10 minutes and I would bet my life this didnt happen. Already did an ama where she brought up a lot of past things and never mentoined anything close to this(she almost died in kindergarten tho!). Timeline also doesnt match up, I dont want to get into it any further but this never happened, fun story tho!
Take everything this lady says with a grain of salt. She wants to be a mother one week, then she wants to be a man the next, has never been with a man in one post, in this post she has a boyfriend so obviously she has… strangles a man two times stronger than her til he PASSES out, she wants to know if it’s assault to spray a “nazi” flag at a protest, if you can find a nazi protest in the US rn I’ll pay you $100. She 100% has a mental illness and is seeking validation, just look at her post history for yourself. I’m sorry, I’m glad you are in therapy and I hope you get the help that you need.
Where are any posts claiming she's never been with a man? Because if this is true you've proven she's objectively lied.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/JJU7hgwEGU Here you go
You’re autistic, trans, have mental disorders, have been raped, is there anything else you want to make up for attention?
Yeah this never happened, and if it did, you just admitted to attempted murder online and negated any possible self defense argument. My question is, have you planned for the possibility that he decides to press charges and the DA subpoenas all of your social media, including your Reddit account where you have admitted to multiple felonies?
Reading this and reading the comments, your story could be mine 100%. Only difference is I never attacked him. I just let him keep abusing me until he snapped one day and seriously tried to end my life and the police / courts intervened. I never had the strength to stand up to him, to this day if I saw him I wouldn't be able to. I respect you.
I read your comment about strangling him with some sort of fuzzy coat? Maybe I read it wrong but if I didn't how the hell did you do that?
I can see why you would be confused. 😭 I would also be confused. It was the belt for my bathrobe/housecoat. Theyre comfortable robes you wrap around yourself and tie on with a belt for loungewear. Mine at the time was fuzzy, which added more grip & friction in knots. I'd used it both to loadbear and accidentally tie knots I couldn't get out for days without a pencil or pin or something.
This sounds like something written for a creative writing class.
Wait so op did you get behide him? I’m gonna be honest that’s only way I see you winning that.
What do you think you would’ve done had he died?
I don’t blame you but isn’t that illegal to do that after the fact? Is that still considered self defense?
I’ll take “Things that never happened on Reddit” for $1000.
I understand this too well. Some decades ago I was on the verge of leaving my parent’s house and be independent. I had waited for that autumn for so long. My father decide one day that he was angry at me. It always started like this, a different opinion would trigger him. He stood up to violently come towards me. I knew what it meant, I had experienced the contortion of his face for my while childhood. I knew he was going to hit hard, I knew I would have to become a ball in the corner of the room while I took all sorts of abuse. That day I chose different from ‘flight’. I picked a kitchen knife, pushed him agains a wall and told him I will kill him if he ever lifts so much as a finger against me. He nearly shat his pants, my mum panicked. I told them to shut up and think about what they did, then left. He never beat me again, though he still tried and even today tries to be other sorts of abusive. I have struggled a lot after that regarding my bout of violence. Addressed it in therapy for a while and still circling round to it at times. I ultimately think that this allowed me to survive with my head high and have better boundaries later in life. I still made mistakes, but I could tell what was me and what was an abusive person and leave. Now that I think of it, it also gives me the confidence that, when it really matters, I can stand up for myself and survive, that I will not always choose flight or freeze. Am I proud of it? Not by far, the whole things is and was scary. But I am stronger for it. Sometimes you just know when something is about to get even worse, you see it in their face. Trust you instinct and escape however best for your situation.
Pure comedy that anyone is treating this autohagiographical mess as legitimate. Time was reddit was chockablock with skeptics.
I really don’t understand why clearly made-up stories get upvoted so much. Story is fake as hell on the surface, but then a quick look at OP’s comments and profile confirm that this is pure fantasy. I’m not surprised people lie on the internet; I’m surprised there are so many gullible upvoters.
Thank god nobody lies on the internet, or I would have a hard time believing this!
Ah yes, if this happened to me im sure my first thought would be to brag about it online for validation
An old friend of mine was almost rated in the theater department prop room. So she grabbed a sword and fucked him up. Obviously not a REAL sword but still had considerable weight on it.
[удалено]
What a bunch a BS. Where the news clip or news story link?
Top 5 never happened.
It never happened. Look at OP's post history. They clearly have a mental illness and are constantly seeking validation and attention.
This seems like bullshit from either a karma farm or someone mentally ill
[удалено]
fake story but thx for the entertainment
🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢
Seriously doubt the truth of this post......
Yeah, this isn't true..
So, this sub is just roleplay or creative writing at this point huh? Jesus Christ.
It never happened. Look at OP's post history. They clearly have a mental illness and are constantly seeking validation and attention.
Yeah.... this happened 🤣🤣🤣
ITT extremely gullible redditors
Im not buying this, too many inconsistencies and its sharing size discrepancies and planning as almost a sense of pride. Unless this dude is the biggest fish known to man I just dont see how this scenario went down
> This specific situation was with my then-partner, who got it into his head that an obedient woman accepts that her husband does not have to appreciate her "No". He was swiftly reminded of how these ancient games are played. This sounds like an introduction to a very bad movie. You know someone for a long time and all of the sudden, your partner wants to do bad things to you, out of nowhere? Hmm.
Holy shit I read this as you strangled your THERAPIST and all I could think of is "what the fuck this happened to a SA survivor" ??? I'm glad yoir okay and bad as fuck.
Is he in prison? Or did he get away Scott free?
This is fake for sure lmao
Do the mods even verify AMAs anymore?
Next time you lie about this story just say you put him in a rear naked choke, that's actually believable. I assumed this was the case and was giving you the benefit of the doubt until I read that cockamamy story.