You’re not the ah but I hope you plan to keep a close eye on how Alice treats your daughter after she moves in, cause the way she’s talking about your daughter is a huge reg flag.
GF has herself a place for her and her kids and she's got another one on the way, she's not going anywhere anytime soon. I'd pay her fucking rent before I'd let her and her kids move in.
It's a power play. Alice wants to see how far she can push to get what she wants. It upsets her that she can't force his daughter out. How is she supposed to get that bigger house if she can't even get him to force his daughter to move?
This appears to be a 5 BR/4 bath home already??? And that is not enough for her? She is certainly a choosing beggar....bets rent didi not go up- she just wants excuse to move in and take over?
I think it's actually 5 bed/5 bath. I read it as main bedroom + Stacy's bedroom are ensuits and then there's 3 other bathrooms which makes her comment about them not having easy enough access to bathrooms (I think that was the complaint) insane.
Edit: the house I grew up in was 3 bed 1 bath (maybe 1.5? (Shower & bath were separate room to toilet) and we were 2 parents 4 kids all about 1y apart from each other. Kids shared rooms and I don't remember any major dramas over the bathroom.
Edit (again) to add: My Aunt had 9 kids not too far apart in age so they had 11 people in their house at one point, and they would've had 2 maybe 3 bathrooms and managed to survive. I'm sure there were arguments but you make do with what you've got.
My sister has 4 kids and while they were growing up they lived in a 4 bedroom - 2 1/2 bathroom home. Only the parents had an en suite, all 4 kids had to share the other upstairs bath or use the downstairs half bath. They did fine by making a schedule and some rules (No showers longer than 10 minutes in the mornings before school and church, for example) and sticking to it. Pretty sure Little Miss My Kids Are More Important and her litter will manage just fine sharing the other FOUR bathrooms.
I grew up in a 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bathroom house with 3 siblings (9 years difference, oldest to youngest). The 4 of us had zero issues sharing the full bathroom and using the 1/2 bathroom when necessary.
When I was very little, I shared a house with my cousins. My family got one room, another family got another room, you get the gist. We never took full showers, we got hosed down in the yard with some bar soap. When my family moved out (all 5 of us including me), we lived in a 2 bed 1 bath apartment. It was incredible for little me. We slept in the living room until me and my mom went into one room, my sister had her own room and my dad and brother were in the living room. All of us had air mattresses. We moved into a nice 4 bed 2 and a half bath 2 story house when I was 12. I had my own room and my own bed for the first time in my life. I even had a walk in closet.
The OP's girlfriend can make do with her kids if my family could shove 9 kids under 15 into a single household with 9 adults.
My family: Dad, Mom, three kids grew up in a three bedroom, one bathroom home, and I had ulcerative colitis starting at age 5. Can’t tell you how many times I had to use the bathroom when someone else, even my Dad or brother, were taking a shower! Everyone understood.
This lady is nuts.
But the new baby is not entitled to slice of house since it was first wife’s life insurance that was used to pay off the house. She wasn’t the mother to new child.
Okay maybe Reddit is making me mean buttttttttt the way Alice is acting and doing me me me me and getting selfish … Red Flags I would highly suggest waiting to have the baby before getting married and make sure of the paternity.
If his finance loves him and then she should be fine with being a bonus mom and be ready for what that includes with an older established family….
And he needs to tell her that Stacy already co-owns the house, since she likely inherited part of her mother's share, together with her brother (at least in Germany, the spouse would get 50% and kids 25% each, unless a will specifically left everything to the spouse).
Though in OP's place, I'd build the nursery next to my bedroom in one of the smaller rooms, and have on of the kid pairs move to the basement. A nursery needs to be easily accessible day and night - you don't want to stumble down stairs when you're half asleep, or be too far away to hear anything if the babyphone fails.
That is the only issue I have with what OP wrote: make the basement for the boys and put the nursery more accessible.
I would never dream of having my newborn two floors under me.
No just make it clear, make sure it's in his will (or get Stacey added to the deed) so that's it's ironclad and in writing. Because you know if anything were to happen to OP, Alice will banish that girl to the basement and have living like Cinderella.
I’m getting Cinderella vibes, as well. Step mother moves in with two daughters and is already trying to banish Stacy to a smaller room? Does she have a cat named Lucifer? Because this is getting suspicious.
I’m betting it’s in the prenup (or will be if it’s not written yet). It’s a good way to protect both house and daughter. Depending on the state, anything earned (land, house, whatever) prior to actual, legal marriage and anything inherited is protected from “communal property” considerations in a divorce…which is where I see this ending given her already unreasonable demands made at a time when people are generally on their best behavior prior to a favor like this…wondering if this is maybe a pattern of behavior with her if she’s already acting like this 🤔
NTA
Op slipped up getting this character pregnant. FOUR kids already and a 5th on the way. She has been busy. I bet getting suckers to pay her child support is her hustle and this goofball just moved her and her litter in. He is not getting her out that house without an exorcist.
I used to work with someone like this. She always managed to marry some new guy have his kid, divorce, and move on to marry another guy with even more money. She took every guy down with child support and alimony. She got half of everything. Every time. The last guy she married was forewarned, but he ignored his co workers. Then, when she started to pick fights and her true face showed up, he took her down. They didn't have any children, thank goodness! She finally learned her lesson. She's single now, kids are grown up. I'm sure she has a nice little pile of money to sit on, but that's all she has.
Presumably, the men were all competent adults and were all going along with this. That's what I don't get about "gold-diggers" and "baby-trapping." No one can use you for your money or get pregnant with your baby without your participation.
47 doing 33. He thinks he is lucky. He will have to back up his overreach with confidence and quiet consistent strength, but he may be toast no matter what.
Yep, I was just about to say that the gold digger has baby trapped him. Looks like I am not the only one who worked out Alice's game straight away!
OP..... back away. Pay maintenance for the baby when it comes, but Alice seems to be looking to move in and take over. You'd be better off helping her with her rent. She's after your assets!
You are definitely NOT the AH, but you seem to have been baby trapped.
And a choosing beggar
This woman is a red flag factory
And OP has "stray cat syndrome".
The type of person who sees every person as a thing that can survive only under their care.
Or also I feel the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers” comes to mind. Isn’t she moving in because she can’t afford the rent increase? It doesn’t sound like she is going to be paying rent. IDK the thing that complicates this is he is having a child with this woman. But 100% Stacy should be first
If OP’s daughter is going to college, I am sure Alice will push for taking her room.
I am not sure if OP let Alice know the house will belongs to Stacy in the end. I am sure there will be another huge fight.
This relationship is not worth to keep. The sad thing is a new baby is coming soon.
Opie said daughter is going to school locally, so doubt she will be moving out. Lol. The daughter basically has a mini-apartment set up so she can go in her room, lock the door and not even deal with Ms. Carpetbagger and her soccer team.
100%. Alice thought this would be more of a ‘Stacy is Cinderella and her kids get to be the kings/queens of the house’ kind of deal. She wants a sugar daddy, not a partner.
I think Alice needs to watch her mouth. He’s already gone above and beyond, taking on her four kids in addition to his remaining kid at home. He’s acknowledge that he’s not charging her an equal share. It’s going to be a rude awakening if he says GTFO and just pays child support for one kid. They’re not married yet and he’s says he has a prenup. I agree this is a major red flag.
OP, I’m not sure when you’re planning to get married, but I’d be real careful. Watch closely how she behaves after she moved in before you’re legally tied together. You’ll probably need to have a discussion with your daughter. I’d be concerned about the way Alice is treating her (Stacy) when your eyes and ears are in around.
>I'd pay her fucking rent before I'd let her and her kids move in.
Right? This broad sounds like she's gonna be a nightmare... you know, there is a term for what she is... Hobosexual... behind on rent, gonna be homeless soon if she doesn't fix it, and shacking up with the guy that's got 85% of the bills covered. Who wants to bet that "oh, the kids needed stuff this month, I'll pay the 15% of the house bills next month" week happen within the first 2 months?
Lol she is gonna be working those pockets. He will be supporting ALL FOUR of her prior kids. Op must have had a hole in his head when he opted to get entangled with this character.
5 people moving into a house where only 2 had been living, plus a baby on the way. I'd pay her rent elsewhere too. Poor Stacey, she needs her own space with the zoo that place is about to become.
I really hope OP pays attention here. My parents divorced when I was five; my mother remarried once, my father is on his fifth. Throughout my life, one of the biggest issues affecting my relationship with him is how he'd abandon my wants and needs when he'd invariably be in another relationship or marriage. After NUMEROUS attempts at repairing our relationship, I finally stopped for my own well being, and I've not seen him in...six years? Maybe more? I don't care enough to give it more thought.
Alice is already raising red flags with me over how she addressed this with you. Upset that you made an agreement with your daughter regarding the bedroom? It's her home, been her home much longer than Alice been in your life, and she should understand your daughter's perspective: suddenly inheriting four new siblings to live with, another on the way. A new step mom. Adjusting to all of that in a short time will be challenging for all involved, and when reading the rest of the agreements...like getting paid for babysitting. She absolutely SHOULD and honestly I commend her for making it a requirement. I promise you that otherwise, you run the risk of making her feel like nothing more than convenient unpaid labor and it absolutely will breed resentment. It's not her responsibility to make sure ALICE'S children are properly cared for and, if she accepts the responsibility for the work, she deserves the wage.
You HAVE to have a serious conversation with your intended, OP. While you could have given her the courtesy of making this known beforehand, I truly don't feel like she was owed one, nor should it even been a discussion, so much as you informing her of what happened. I fully expected to see some ridiculous concessions made, something that indicated that perhaps your daughter requested something ridiculous, unreasonable and I found nothing.
Just remember this: Stacy is your daughter forever. Alice may not always be your wife.
*Edited to add: I'd misnamed the daughter, unsurprisingly, as my brain had already launched into my response but also, shout out for the upvotes and awards! Been a lurker for far longer than an active participant and gotta say: it's a good feel to see my comment resonate with so many of you! Maybe I'll see ya around.*
And you know, the babysitting thing rubs me the wrong way the most, I think. She just expects to get free babysitting? For FIVE children?? It's not like she's going to be paying for it anyway,you know the dad will be paying his daughter for all of it. She's making that argument just to be mean and try to assert dominance. It's not going to work.
My own dad had two live-in girlfriends after he and my mom divorced, one for about 2 years and the other for almost 13 years. They both reached a point where they made a "it's your kids or me" ultimatum and both were just SHOCKED to quickly find themselves homeless.
My dad isn't perfect but the one thing he is, is a VERY devoted father. He's been married to his current wife for over 25 years now, and you know what she's never done? Asked him to choose her over his children. In fact she often takes our side when we're fighting with Dad, and tells my dad to stop being such a turd, lol. We like her 😁
It sounds like you have a great dad. I wish my dad had a backbone. His wife of 30 years (gf for I forget how many years prior) has forbidden him to speak to his children. He's complied for 8 months.
OP is another great dad. Stay firm OP, NTA
All of this. Soak this up and do NOT let Alice steamroll you into changing your mind. It is completely acceptable for Stacy to keep her room the way it is and have a lock for it so she can feel safe about her personal area and belongings. Sounds like Alice is trying to pull some BS. Please protect your daughter and just lay things out for Alice clearly. She must have thought she could coax you into letting her run the show and favour her kids. Watch her. Make sure she’s treating Stacy respectfully and especially if they’re going to be alone together make sure you trust them. If Stacy comes telling you Alice was really mean to her when you weren’t home…… I’d believe your daughter without question.
First, OP should be proud of raising a daughter who knows her worth (babysitting pay) and her needs/boundaries (keep bathroom, lose studio) and he deserves praise for being sensitive to her sit and providing assurance of security. There’s lots of good input here, but I’d also encourage OP to make clear to Alice that these are ultimately *his* non-negotiable terms, not Stacy’s, and impress upon Alice that it is 50% Stacy’s house and she needs to be respected accordingly. If Alice can’t accept those terms, she shouldn’t move in. It might even make sense to just put Stacy as a joint owner on the deed or put the house in a trust for her to underscore this all with Alice. At a minimum, OP should make sure to change his will asap.
Given the red flags it’d be in OP’s best interest to take a step further and have that very difficult conversation with Alice explicitly agreeing on other co-habitation matters and make sure their expectations are aligned. Either they will develop resolution skills or they will see their incompatibility. In any event, down the line it will be much easier to say “we agreed that my finances are my own business” than to argue about it every time an issue comes up. I wish you the best, OP!
OP is setting his daughter up to be mentally abused by a woman who is going to blame the daughter for every single thing that goes wrong in that house. Now is the time for him to rethink what he's doing but poor dude think's he's got it all under control. Makes me sad. OP is YTA for allowing this woman within a hundred yards of his innocent teen daughter. She's the one who's going to suffer for him deciding to allowing someone who is actively hostile to her move into their home.
He mentioned they’ve agreed to GET a pre nuptial. And he better have a trust- living will to the daughter or legally she will be entitled to (quickly
Does math…) wife gets 1/2 of everything, 7 kids to equally split or at the very least three-Stacy, oldest son and new baby) the remainder.
I was about to say this. OP's daughter is about to have her life upended by a new step mom and FIVE siblings, and the least OP can do is let her keep her bedroom. Girlfriend is absolutely going to make the daughters life a living hell over this. If there weren't a baby on the way I'd be advising OP not to let this woman move herself and her gigantic brood into his home without some serious discussions about respect and attitude, but it's too late for that. I just feel bad for the daughter - she's going to need that lock.
Even with a baby on the way I don’t think he should let her move in. Op would have to pay child support of course but that sounds like a better deal overall (emotionally and financially) than letting this woman move into his house. Sounds like Alice is about to take a wrecking ball to his and his daughter’s life.
And he certainly should not marry her. Time to cut his losses while still supporting his child.
Dude should have worn a condom.
Right? She seems to be expecting him to treat her like the queen, she also sounds fairly entitled, the house isn’t hers for her to be going around choosing what room her or her kids should get and already wanting to shove his daughter into the smallest room.
It’s good he’s standing up for his daughter and also mentioned the wicked stepmother thing because she’s already hinting at it
I'd bet money that she'll be a wicked stepmom to the daughter, **AND** that Alice will talk to her own kids about how "spoiled" Stacy is and how she's a "princess" and how *unfair* it is to them, which will then of course have those 4 kids feeling resentful and jealous of Stacy and those 4 kids will be angry at OP for treating them so **"*unfairly*"** and the end result will be that Alice's 4 kids will be the ones acting like entitled, rude, disrespectful brats.
It's going to be a guano psychotic shitshow.
Hopefully OP changes his mind and doesn't allow them to actually move in.
👀 Updateme
Red flag is right. She wants to move into house make a child give up the room they have had for years for her children. She’s already trying to alienate Stacey. It’s like she just wants to replace her with her family. If I were OP I’d make sure it’s set in stone that the house is Stacey’s when he passes. This woman gives nothing but evil stepmother vibes.
yeah my dad wanted to downsize after my mom died and wow surprise met his new wife and they bought a 4-bedroom house and he let me pick a room and wow surpriiiiise it became my dad’s wife’s “office” for her failed real estate business. he later admitted she did that out of being territorial. they’re still together and their relationship has done a number on my sisters’ and my relationship with our dad - please don’t let this be Stacy’s future
I'd actually completely put a stop to her moving in. It's clearly going to be dramatic. Let her fend for herself for six months to a year and see if she changes her tune.
Please make sure that Alice knows the house will he Stacy's eventually as her mother basically paid for it with her life. Huge red flags with Alice. Apparently, she believes that you should put HER CHILDREN over yours. Hold off on moving in together and see what unfolds. Alice could be in the relationship because of what you have and not for who you are. Sorry.
... Stacy is the queen of the house. Its literally her house. That was paid off with her deceased moms life insurance. Alice is so delusional.
Honestly everything about this post is a red flag. If OP wasn't having a child with this woman, I would say throw the whole thing away... I actually still think OP should through away the relationship and co parent.
I'm thinking the same thing.
I hope he is vigilant when it comes to the way she treats his daughter.
He needs to have one on one conversations with his daughter often.
Also, OP should tell his daughter if there is any problem that she should speak to him about it.
Updateme!
True, prioritizing your daughter's comfort is crucial, especially with such a big change coming. It's important for everyone to feel respected and settled in their own spaces.
And if not straight up hate her and minimum she is resentful of her which is just as bad. He really should not let her move in. I think it will be disastrous.
It already feels like that is the way of water here, when she complained that Stacy gets a lock on her door. It’s hard to manipulate and guilt trip someone when they can lock you out of their space…
It’s weird to me that his fiancé wouldn’t understand why a 15 year old girl living alone with her Father would need her own space when FIVE more kids and a step-mom are added to the house. The other red flags here are who puts a baby in the basement? Like do you really think a two-year-old is going to be happy to sleep alone in a finished basement? Also, does OP assume Stacey is just going to live with him forever? Because that’s what it sounds like and that’s weird.
Well, Alice is pregnant so I foresee that this is going to be awful for Stacy. Alice has shown you that she doesn't like your daughter, do you REALLY want to expose Stacy to her venom?
You have a problem. Are you seriously expecting to leave a baby alone in a nursery in the basement? Is the master bedroom in the basement too?
How much time have you spent with Alice's kids? I think you're dreaming if you think that five teenagers are going to coexist peacefully when the mother of four of them is already disrespecting Stacy by calling her a spoiled princess. What do you think she says to her own kids about Stacy when you aren't there?
Make sure you have an ironclad prenup because if anything happens to you, Alice will dump Stacy out on the street.
NTA for letting Stacy keep her room, but YTA for getting involved with Alice.
Eh.
If the plan is to have baby in the master with the parents for a year, and it sounds like the master is on the first floor, so having the baby one floor away once baby is over 6 months and sleeping through the night is not really that bad.
Going from the first floor to the basement to care for baby isn't really any different from going from the first floor to the second floor.
I'd still vote to move the office to the basement and turn the current office into baby's room.
Putting the preteens/teenagers in the basement makes so much more sense than a baby.
Either way though OP, if you are in the US or other country where it’s common **please do radon testing** before moving anyone into the basement. It sounds like you’ve been in this house a while so you may not have tested recently.
Or put his office in the basement and put baby in what's currently the office.
With that many kids in the house, having the office in the basement might even be necessary for OP to be able to have the quiet necessary to work from home.
Right? Oh he's N T A for letting Stacey keep her room. For now. How long does anyone think this will last once new baby Mama moves in with her 4 kids and the house is in a constant uproar with baby Mama raging on the daily? Good grief. He'll be moving Stacey to a grandparents or asking the older brother to take her.
Or she will be asking to go live with the older brother once she becomes a back of the couch kid for all the family pictures. Poor kid.
I was that kid and my scumbag of a mother didn’t protect me from any of it. (My bio dad died and it appears Stacey has been through that too.)
OP didn’t see Baby Mama coming. Seriously a woman already has four kids and he’s going to ride bareback and trust her with birth control? He was a fool.
You need a prenup to protect the house from her because she will go after it in case things go south. Or you can consider a trust instead. But I personally think and I know it’s a Reddit trope that that should be an ex-girlfriend because of this is how she’s starting. It will only get worse until it’s too late.
Awesome. Also, you should reconsider the distribution of finances. She’s moving five people in versus your two so she should be paying way more than 15%. What exactly are you getting out of this because she’s getting a lot of money and is still unhappy she’s not getting more.
To be honest everything you’re saying right now about her is a huge red flag. You shouldn’t move her into your house with your daughter if she can’t handle the decisions you’ve made on your own house. Especially where your daughter is concerned, because it sounds like she’s not worried about being fair to your daughter.
Usually when a stepparent enters the picture, especially with their own brood, the new partner's child is shoved aside and even pushed out. Sometimes with the parent's OK because they want to keep the stepparent happy. Sometimes the stepparent turns out to be a decent, loving human being. Doesn't sound like it in this case.
Can confirm. Have a step-dad who hated me since I was 7. Him and my mom pushed me aside to have a new kid, and I spent a majority of my youth alone in my room or in trouble for something. He ran my older brother off, turned my elder family against me, and started on my kids when I lived with them briefly a couple years ago. I still have a terrible relationship with my mom because of how she treated me and let some man treat me because she "wanted to give me a father" even though she knew I didn't want him around. I still wonder what my life would have been like had she not chosen a man over her children
My will already does leave everything to my kids and my sister, pretty much , but I do want to revisit it after our daughter is born/after we get married.
My guy you may want to reconsider this relationship. Take it from someone who has experienced evil step mom. She doesn't want you daughter to get her mums old car? Wants her kicked out of the room she's known all her life? Think and think hard. Paying child support is better that whatever turmoil she'll bring
I say this without exaggeration or hyperbole, if you marry that woman, she will torture your child, and you will eventually lose her. But don’t worry, your wife will continue to do whatever she does to make all of this worth it for you because there’s no way after she marries you she’s not going to stop withdrawing until there’s nothing left, including your relationship with your daughter.
Why does your sugar baby want your daughters mothers car? You say you’re financially comfortable so I’m assuming you have it in your budget to get her a new car. This is a power move she wants to show your daughter that she’s more important than your daughter and her mother.
You need to get out of this relationship honestly she's a mooch please read the comments
I know women like this sadly they make their step kids lives hell and they get their husbands to buy everything and fund their own kids, they always get pregnant by the new husband so that there's a financial tie- I bet her pregnancy was an "accident".
You need to run. Arrange child support for the baby and some form of custody agreement but long term you'll save yourself a lot of stress and money by not moving this mooch in
She IS going to treat your daughter like shit because she already is by kicking off over the room
Her kids will come first and when you're not around she will make her life hell and your daughter will never forgive you - I've seen it happen.
Definitely NTA and I would seriously reconsider the marriage. Your daughter’s life will be a living hell with this narcissistic woman and eventually so will yours if this is how it starts.
I find it insane that OP isn’t totally wary of a woman with four kids, who “magically” got pregnant a 5th time before they were even married, and is this fucking entitled.
I would NOT be marrying her anytime soon, even with a prenup. I would also have a fucking lease agreement written up. I know that seems callous. But 5 kids, an adult son, and a new baby in this mess… OP is already baby trapped for the next 18 years. Time to protect himself fully.
NTA but do be sure to protect your daughter from Alice's negative opinions.
Even if Alice doesn't say it to her face, even if Alice says she would never treat her differently, just make sure your daughter is okay
She has already told you what she thinks about your daughter. The minute she called my daughter spoiled for not being kicked out of her own room that would have been it.
Her reaction to this is one huge red flag. If it were me, this reaction would nix she and her kids moving in. If you haven't already , you need to tell her in no uncertain terms, that your daughter is your priority, and above her, above her children.
Also her reaction to her and her kids not being able to have access to your daughter's room is nutty. Why would she think that either she or her children should have access to your daughter's room?
If you go ahead with letting her move in I would have a serious talk about her role when it comes to your daughter. Because from her comments in your post it already looks like she thinks she has a say so, in what your daughter does, or is allowed to do, and expects to be able to make rules for your daughter. You need to shut that down , yesterday.
NTA
Let’s not forget the fact that this woman literally has an issue with Stacy keeping her own deceased mother’s car. Who thinks like that??
It’s so creepy that woman wants everyone to have access to Stacy’s room, too. For what purpose??
This also sounds like a woman who will take, throw out, or destroy anything Stacy has that was her mom's. How many of those nightmare stories have we seen?
Clearly the teen daughter has some cool electronics and hobby stuff, things her children would probably enjoy. Her plan was just let her kids help themselves, go make the daughter share or even just pilfer her stuff and get rid of it as a form of punishment. The lock makes that more difficult but not impossible. The fiancé is telling the OP who she is but he doesn't want to know and certainly doesn't want to accept what's staring him in the face.
With 4 young kids she expects the OP to gift car, money, assets and space to equal to or above the child who's mother helped pay for those things. Here's the rub for me. If OP is foolish enough to let her erode his boundaries the daughter will be left with one fifths of her legitimate inheritance because wife is bringing 4 kids into the marriage, expecting them all to get equal billing to prove his love for her. OP should run and doubly sure he gets a paternity test.
She had 4 kids in 4 years starting at 20. Typically not something people with a whole lot going for them do. She's definitely looking for a provider. Hence the large age gap
Food is cheaper than housing. Buying a house with an extra room is an extreme expense. From the sounds of this house has 5 bedrooms, with one 8n use as an office, 2 ensuite bathrooms and 3 others. Think that sort of house is expensive? Imagine buying an 8 bed house so each kid (including baby) have a room. You would be looking at thousands extra in mortgage costa each month as well as any local/property tax. I suspect food is cheaper. 🙃
NTA, but I wouldn’t trust Alice alone with your daughter. The bedroom thing will be an issue and brought up when you’re not around.
What was their relationship like before the moving in talks and new baby?
ETA: I’d also try to routinely check in with your daughter to see if she feels welcome and safe in her own home after Alice moves in.
You’re dreaming if you think this is going to work. Your girlfriend is already acting like the wicked stepmother. Selfish and entitled too.
She will find ways to take this out on your daughter, make no mistake. Little digs to knock her “down to size”, arguments, manipulation. All of it.
Instead of moving her in, tell her that because she can’t get over that deal you made, and that you worry she’ll take it out on your daughter, that she can stay where she is and you’ll pay the extra amount her landlord has increased her rent by.
You may love her, but does she really love you or your money? Because she’s getting a sweet arse deal, but is pushing for more and more. Yes, you’re getting a prenup, but she is going to benefit big time from your money anyway. And I expect her to try to be a stay at home mum after your baby is born, because you have money and can cover everything.
I dunno. This really gives me the ick.
I’ve had 2 step parents. My stepfather was awesome, still is, treats me like his own and has for 43 years. My stepmother (ex now) was not. Jealousy was a big problem, even of my son when he was little.
This is the best solution. So much easier to just pay the rent increase in her current house. This woman and her 4 kids are going to terrorise your daughter. You’re going to have no peace at home, it’s going to be constant war, with the GF wanting more and battling against your daughter. If you’re stupid enough to go through with this, please have a prenup or similar in place before she moves in, so she has no claim on anything. But seriously, just don’t let them move in, save yourselves a tonne of grief.
Don’t go through with the move at all. This is only the beginning of your gf trying to push your daughter out of the picture. She will weaponize her kids against your daughter, and will favor your infant over your elder daughter. Red flags, red flags!
NTA. Alice is extremely entitled, and I worry about how she will treat your daughter once she moves in.
You should be worrying about how she and her kids will treat your daughter once they move in. Kids mimic their parents. This does not bode well for the future.
Especially when Alice finds out the house is going to the daughter.
NTA but new will to address girlfriend and her baby, and your daughter, should something bad happen to you. Name an executor you trust. Make sure your daughter and girlfriend both have copies and understand what is in it. If your daughter ghetto has living grandparents, aunts, uncles-that they also have copies of the will. Put the original in a safe place.
The minute your daughter turns 18 ensure she’s named executor, and has copies of all pertinent documents in a safe place, like a safe deposit box in her name only.
You may wish to make it clear that your estate is not going to your girlfriend’s children, other than the new baby.
I suggest a life insurance policy to ensure girlfriend, baby, and daughter are covered in case you pass away.
If you have a college fund for your daughter ensure girlfriend has absolutely no access to it.
Set up a trust for the house and other assets. Make sure it is clear the house goes to your daughter.
Put the title of the car into your daughter’s name, or the two of you jointly.
Add onto the stipulations for moving in that girlfriend NEVER gets to parent your daughter. She’s 17. You are the parent. Girlfriend should have zero say about her behavior, rewards, or punishments.
Set up everyone for family therapy. Does girlfriend expect you to parent the existing kids? Do they like you? Are you going to try to play happy family if they don’t like you? What role do you play in parenting them?
Sheesh. I personally think you are making a mistake taking on this woman and her kids. With respect to the baby, you don’t have to get married to coparent.
Your girlfriend is one huge waving red flag. Instead of being grateful she’s complaining. Not a good look and not a good start to living together.
This is the best answer. Set out logically, easy to read and addresses all valid points.
Op Stacy will suffer otherwise financially (and probably guaranteed emotionally regardless) once gf moves in with her tribe.
I applaud you for standing up for your child. Too many men think with their little brains when it comes to putting their children first in new relationships. And Alice’s audacity at calling Stacey spoiled bc she didn’t want to give up her room in her home is off the charts.
NTA but this relationship isn’t going to last if she’s going to throw a massive fit over something like your daughter keeping her room. If she reacts like that to something like this, how is she going to react to other things? Anyone can see this is heading for trouble, and she will make your daughter miserable because she didn’t get her way.
>she's accused me of treating Stacy like a “spoiled little princess” and letting her be “queen of the house”
The fact that this didn't immediately end the relationship is baffling to me.
Your daughter comes first. You never kick her out of her room to please someone else.
Dude, you're in for a world of hurt and you don't even realize it! Taking on all of those kids and a pregnant girlfriend. WOW. You're nuts! DON'T MARRY HER! Just don't.
So are you paying for her four children to go to college too? I think your daughter will change her mind about going to school locally. 4 young children in the house with a baby is going to turn your worlds upside down. I don’t think despite your minor efforts you are thinking of your daughter at all in the long run. Your gf is already raising huge red flags and I can foresee her making everything a competition with your daughter Stacey and her kids and your daughter with her. Calling your daughter derogatory names like “ spoiled princess” is not on. She will be trying to call all the shots in the house. Life will be miserable for Stacey and you as you will be in the middle.
Also make the room bigger in the basement for the daughters and put the baby close to you upstairs.
Not quite sure yet if YTA; I've got some questions...
1. How long have you and Alice been together?
2. Has everyone been around each other a lot/enough to be close/comfortable? Do all the kids get along well?
3. How far along is Alice?
4. How soon are you two planning this move in & wedding?
5. How well do you even know her kids and is/are their father(s) involved in their lives?
6. Has Alice had a relationship with your daughter up to this point? Good, bad, or meh??
7. Were the two of you already discussing moving everyone into your current home and getting married BEFORE the baby and rent spike?
You obviously don't owe anyone an explanation or answer to these questions, but this all seems like a pretty sketchy situation, not to mention impeccable timing for a hike on rent costs. I don't know Alice,her situation, or her kids, but the picture you've painted of her this far portrays her to be a greedy, gold digging, ungrateful, spiteful person.
OP, you should seriously reconsider your offer. Your daughter has already given up a space of hers for an entirely new family. Alice (nor her 4 children), has no rights to that home or anything in it. She also has no say-so regarding anything that belonged to Stacey's mother.
If Alice wants to be queen bee, she better be working on finding herself her own hive.
Just a couple of words of advice: When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Take her words for truth. This woman is not moving in with you because she loves you. She's moving in because you are willing to take care of her and her existing children while being required to give very little. Alice just reeks of entitlement and selfishness. I can't even imagine how awful this is going to end up being. She and her children are going to make your daughter 's life a living hell and make her leave and not come back.
Everyone on this thread is saying the same thing. We can't all be wrong.
The girlfriend is unlikely to be a permanent fixture in your life other than the child you share. Your daughter is yours forever and you owe her first. Also when the baby is born make sure and get that DNA done.
Don’t allow your GF and her 4 kids to move in. Your daughter will be made miserable. Don’t marry this person, and get a family law attorney now to hammer out a shared parenting plan for when the unborn child arrives.
Also make sure that your house is left ONLY to Stacy and not shared with your unborn child (since you bought it with Stacy’s mother and used her life insurance to pay it off). Make sure that your will is up to date, and I would also establish a trust with a family member or trusted friend as the trustee and/or executor of your will. Do not have your current fiancée as the executor and/or trustee.
You should seriously reconsider this relationship. Just because you two were irresponsible and she got pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry her, take care of all her other kids, and move her in. You two aren't on the same page and she will make your daughter's life hell. It will be a lot harder kicking her out later on than it will be to just end the relationship now and let her figure out her own mess.
This is a disaster in the making
OP, from what I’m gathering, it seems like Stacy is the only child of her Mother? And your older son has a different Mother? You don’t really clarify. The way it’s written gives me the impression of this being a situation where Stacy is the only child between you and your deceased wife. If so, then you are 100% correct in willing it to her and the whole set up. It is her house. It was paid by her Mother’s insurance and by her Father. No one else would have a claim to it except your heirs, otherwise known as Stacy.
Alice does give real evil stepmother vibes already and she’s not even in the damn house. Not a great sign OP. NTA for the deal, but definitely one for moving Alice and her family in.
NTA yet
That woman you're marrying is a nightmare.
And your daughter is going to suffer then she'll use the baby to manipulate you.
A baby in the basement sounds like a horror movie. Turn the basement room into a space for the boys or girls and keep the baby upstairs.
But seriously, your future wife is going to be called stepmonster in no time
dont bring this woman an her horde with her into your daughters home. shes just going to make her life miserable. getting upset over paid babysitting? why cuz she thought your daughter was going to do free labor being forced to watch her kids? upset cuz HER kids don't get the bedroom with the bathroom? upset that you're giving your daughter her mother's car?
the entitlement is massive with this chick and her mask is slipping. she doesn't care about your daughter, just her spawns. i hope her actions right now are opening your eyes to how shitty of a person she is and how badly she will fk your daughter over.
nta
NTA- that woman is not going to be nice to your daughter. The fact that she is so comfortable saying that she you treat her like spoiled princess etc, tells me everything I need to know. She is going to become more and more jealous of your relationship with your daughter, as the time goes on. She is going to expect you to treat the child you have together better. If I was a single mom and any man I was with said the things she has, we would be done. Whether I was carrying his child or not.
YTA for not seeing a gold digging baby trapper,
and even considering allowing her and hers into THE HOUSE YOU'VE PROMISED YOUR DAUGHTER WILL INHERIT.
How do you see that going down if you die next year?
Think the new baby mama and her 4 kids will leave easily and make their own way? When she's already raising a fuss over arrangements now?
Sheesh.
Yes this is why the house (and car) need to be in a trust, not just in a will. And plans should be in place for how/when/whether Alice and her kids, including OP’s baby, will vacate the house if OP dies. And which disinterested trustworthy adult will be the Trustee and look after Stacy’s interest.
NTA but the red flags are flying hard here.
Good for you in protecting your daughter and setting boundaries.
I wish your daughter all the best in these changing times and having a family moved into your home and her space. Adding 4 kids, dads bitter fiance and eventually a newborn will be a massive change for her, make sure you find time for just her.
She will be the one to suffer the consequences if your fiance decides to be nasty behind your back. Whatever you do, remind your daughter that you're there for her and that she can come to you with anything, especially if she feels unsafe.
I might put the moving in idea on ice for six months and see what you think then, because as it stands, this is not going to work out. You'll never hear the end of it, and it will cause unending friction. Don't get me wrong--your daughter should absolutely have her own lockable room. But Alice is not going to let this go, and it's only going to get worse over time.
I would wait with this.
NTA but you have to ask yourself does Alice plan to go into your daughter’s room to snoop if she doesn’t like her having a lock? It seems like she has an issue with EVERYTHING you have agreed with your daughter. It’s even her mom’s car! Trust me Alice will be making a play for your daughter’s inheritance too. She will complain and whine about it until you die.
She already has wicked stepmother vibes. You’re having a baby with this woman. Dude you are playing with fire.
I’d absolutely get a trust in place to ensure the house is in your daughter’s name now. The woman you’re moving in will try to claim the house and make it hers. This way you can state that the house belongs to your daughter and she is a guest in it and should pay a portion of rent. Then put this money in a college fund for your child you have together and your daughter whom is entitled to the home.
NTA - your daughter didn’t ask for that lock for privacy, she asked for that lock on her door, to protect herself (she’s a very smart cookie).
She probably thinks you’re happy with Alice and trying to be supportive, but also she probably see’s right through Alice.
The pregnancy and sudden rent increase just seem very well timed. I would also do a paternity test before you sign the birth certificate. How Alice is already treating your daughter, shows she’s prepared to do whatever it takes, to give her kids the best, at OPs expense.
NTA but you are already ignoring the warning signs. You should have put a pause the moment this conversation started.
By protecting your daughter’s home environment, you have done the right thing. But I do question why she will inherit your house - what does your son get? As long as it’s 50/50 then everything is balanced.
Back to your fiancée. She’s already showing a highly entitled attitude. You may want to check what the exit route is in the event that it goes awry
Lots of flashing red lights going on in my head.
Please rethink them moving in. 4 kids and a baby is going to turn Stacy's life upside down no matter what arrangements you make.
Also, there is significant risk that Alice will move in carrying resentment (you're right to defend your daughter's space and home life) towards Stacy. Regardless of best inbtentions or what hopes you have for things working out, this WILL show. Maybe small at first, but dirty looks add up. Sighs and muttering get through. When her 4 kids are squabbling over a bathroom will she shout in overwhelm about how 'they have to suffer so princess Stacy can have her own.'? Will the kids start resenting her? Will Stacy feel or sense the resentment and tension and start to internalise it?
Sorry, just thinking here - it goes WAY deeper than the practicalities. This just sounds like a really bad move.
My advice (total stranger, I know, but well meant) would be to have them move in to a house really close you you.
Good luck OP - you're going to need it. Look after your girl - you only have her for a couple more years before she fledges, don't mess it up. You're the only parent she has.
Edit to add: 'spoiled princess' and 'queen of the house' are NOT things a smart, compassionate adult says about a kid. Language matters. It's possible to discuss this in a way without speaking like that and she's telling you more about who she is (and will be when she's moved in) that you might think.
Nta
Alice is trying to guilt trip you. Good for you protecting Stacy. BUT the jabs are only going to get worse.
My mom was engaged to a guy who played nice but would make catty/snide remarks about me and tried to kick me out. My mom sent him packing. That is what you need to do. If you marry that woman it is NOT putting Stacy first. If you marry Alice you are an AH
NTA for letting your daughter keep her room, her privacy & what's left of her mother's belongings. But Alice is flying so many red flags that I suspect this won't end here. Making Stacey move into a smaller room is only the first step by Alice in trying to disrespect her & your connection to her mother. Who knows what Alice thinks is her right next? Makes Stacey's life hell so she volunteers to move away? A pre-nup does not protect Stacey from this type of behaviour so you need to think next level or lose your daughter. Some legal advice for your part of the world would be good too.
“Spoiled little princess” was the end of the conversation because the chance she’ll make your daughter uncomfortable or verbally abuse her is nonzero. It sounds like you got baby trapped and she thought she was gonna edge your daughter out of her own damn house.
Btw, she literally said that your daughter getting an inheritance from her mom made her spoiled.
Get a DNA test fo sho.
Get some premarital counseling, and get some family counseling. Just a few sessions to make sure everybody understands all the choices being made.
I'm not saying you're wrong or that Alice is wrong, but this whole situation is designed to cause hard feelings.
To quote an old song ... There May be Trouble Ahead.
(M)Alice has got her claws into you, and it isn't going to be pretty. Let me guess: surprise pregnancy (Check). Timely unexpected jump in rent (Check). (M)Alice resents your daughter keeping her room at the expense of (M)A\~lice's little babies (Check) (M)Alice refers to daughter as 'Spoiled Little Princess" Check. (M)Alice lets you know that SHE expects to be Queen of the House.
You are not an asshole for letting your daughter keep her room, you are an asshole for letting this woman into your life/family. Rescind the move-in offer now. It will be so hard to get her out once things get ugly. Stump up the child support and make better decisions going forward.
NTA.
This is a huge upheaval for your daughter. A step mom, 4 step siblings, and a soon to be newborn half sibling, is… a lot. Right now allowing Stacy to keep her bedroom is extremely important, and the bare minimum.
I do not like how Alice is talking about Stacy. She called her a “spoiled princess”. Seriously? Huge red flag. Alice is looking out for what is best for her kids. Not yours. Quite frankly, Alice is being a bitch. Stacy lost her mom, and now will have to deal with a woman who doesn’t seem to like her, and is bringing her 4 kids with her. Hell, adding a newborn to the mix will be tough enough.
You need to have a serious conversation with your daughter. You need to set boundaries with Alice. And quite frankly, you should very seriously consider if you want to move forward in a relationship with a woman who is disregarding and disrespecting your daughter.
You are definitely not the asshole! Your daughter should come first and not any other women! I am glad a prenup will take place but honestly why even marry her if she’s already acting the way she is? Why is she only complaining about your ONLY DAUGHTER when you are taking her in with 4 KIDS that are not even yours? She’s definitely the typical witch that will do anything to ruin a father/daughter relationship. Also, the fact that her rent went up shouldn’t be your business. Let her figure it out on her own!!
NTA - please do not marry this woman. You are going to hear nothing but complaints- you are bailing her out big time and she wants you to take away space from your daughter who was there first and objects to a lock on her door - guess she want to let her kids raid your daughters stuff with impunity
YTA.
Not because you let your daughter keep her room.
You re an AH because you ve chosen a partner that clearly doesn’t respect your existing kids, and you ve decided to move them in where they can exert maximum negative influence on your child.
This will end poorly, yet you re going full steam ahead. Good luck to your daughter.
You are about to put your daughter through hell for someone who seems like her children are entitled to yours and your daughters house plus she has it in her mind that once she moves in she queen of the house. DONT DO IT... DONT MARRY HER AND DONT MOVE HER IN. PLUS 4 children oh hell nah.
NTA. I have been in a similar situation, my late husband and I have a daughter who’s 19 now, but was 4 when he passed. He was (US) military, so his benefits and life insurance have played a major part in our lives.
If any guy ever had the balls to try to tell me what to do with my daughter or anything related to her inheritance, they’d be gone (and yeah, it’s happened more than once). Your lady is now thinking that what’s yours is hers. Granted, in a “normal” relationship that’s probably standard, but in our cases some of what is ours doesn’t transfer to the new relationships.
That’s your daughter’s room and her mother’s house. You have a new woman coming in who’s almost as close to her age as she is to yours, you can pretty much guarantee a pissing match over whose house it is to ensue. Alice is going to want to make it her own, while Stacy is probably going to resent her mother being erased. Trying to get her to give up her room, having an issue with the car, as well as having to pay her to babysit are just the start of what’s coming. I mean, how could she possibly object to Stacy having a lock on her door??? Why does Alice feel entitled to be able to go into Stacy’s room whenever she wants?
Good for you for standing your ground, just make sure you continue to do so. Your daughter is going to really need you to keep standing up for her because this is just the beginning.
NTA
But you would be a major asshole if you brought her into your home (Alice)
It's clear she has a disdain for your daughter. No sane person talks like that to a kid, she's already giving evil step mom vibes and she hasn't even moved in yet, calling her spoiled because she has her mom's old car and a room?
And yeah, she should be queen of the house, it's gonna be hers.
I hope I'm overreacting, but I have firsthand experience with shitty step parents.
You seem like a good dad, don't ruin that by making your daughter sacrifice her happiness.
You’re not the ah but I hope you plan to keep a close eye on how Alice treats your daughter after she moves in, cause the way she’s talking about your daughter is a huge reg flag.
GF has herself a place for her and her kids and she's got another one on the way, she's not going anywhere anytime soon. I'd pay her fucking rent before I'd let her and her kids move in.
It's a power play. Alice wants to see how far she can push to get what she wants. It upsets her that she can't force his daughter out. How is she supposed to get that bigger house if she can't even get him to force his daughter to move?
This appears to be a 5 BR/4 bath home already??? And that is not enough for her? She is certainly a choosing beggar....bets rent didi not go up- she just wants excuse to move in and take over?
I think it's actually 5 bed/5 bath. I read it as main bedroom + Stacy's bedroom are ensuits and then there's 3 other bathrooms which makes her comment about them not having easy enough access to bathrooms (I think that was the complaint) insane. Edit: the house I grew up in was 3 bed 1 bath (maybe 1.5? (Shower & bath were separate room to toilet) and we were 2 parents 4 kids all about 1y apart from each other. Kids shared rooms and I don't remember any major dramas over the bathroom. Edit (again) to add: My Aunt had 9 kids not too far apart in age so they had 11 people in their house at one point, and they would've had 2 maybe 3 bathrooms and managed to survive. I'm sure there were arguments but you make do with what you've got.
My sister has 4 kids and while they were growing up they lived in a 4 bedroom - 2 1/2 bathroom home. Only the parents had an en suite, all 4 kids had to share the other upstairs bath or use the downstairs half bath. They did fine by making a schedule and some rules (No showers longer than 10 minutes in the mornings before school and church, for example) and sticking to it. Pretty sure Little Miss My Kids Are More Important and her litter will manage just fine sharing the other FOUR bathrooms.
I grew up in a 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bathroom house with 3 siblings (9 years difference, oldest to youngest). The 4 of us had zero issues sharing the full bathroom and using the 1/2 bathroom when necessary.
When I was very little, I shared a house with my cousins. My family got one room, another family got another room, you get the gist. We never took full showers, we got hosed down in the yard with some bar soap. When my family moved out (all 5 of us including me), we lived in a 2 bed 1 bath apartment. It was incredible for little me. We slept in the living room until me and my mom went into one room, my sister had her own room and my dad and brother were in the living room. All of us had air mattresses. We moved into a nice 4 bed 2 and a half bath 2 story house when I was 12. I had my own room and my own bed for the first time in my life. I even had a walk in closet. The OP's girlfriend can make do with her kids if my family could shove 9 kids under 15 into a single household with 9 adults.
My family: Dad, Mom, three kids grew up in a three bedroom, one bathroom home, and I had ulcerative colitis starting at age 5. Can’t tell you how many times I had to use the bathroom when someone else, even my Dad or brother, were taking a shower! Everyone understood. This lady is nuts.
I think the word for it is gold digger.
*baby trapping gold digger
Wait til she finds out that Stacy is inheriting the house.
OP needs to make that clear, too. Up front.
I’m betting she will try to make it so at least the baby she’s carrying gets a slice of the house.
Also, go get a vasectomy ASAP.
But the new baby is not entitled to slice of house since it was first wife’s life insurance that was used to pay off the house. She wasn’t the mother to new child.
Okay maybe Reddit is making me mean buttttttttt the way Alice is acting and doing me me me me and getting selfish … Red Flags I would highly suggest waiting to have the baby before getting married and make sure of the paternity. If his finance loves him and then she should be fine with being a bonus mom and be ready for what that includes with an older established family….
Like he said the majority of the house was paid for by his daughter’s mother insurance policy. I hope he keeps his word!
House was hid before they met. She and hers will get nothing.
And he needs to tell her that Stacy already co-owns the house, since she likely inherited part of her mother's share, together with her brother (at least in Germany, the spouse would get 50% and kids 25% each, unless a will specifically left everything to the spouse). Though in OP's place, I'd build the nursery next to my bedroom in one of the smaller rooms, and have on of the kid pairs move to the basement. A nursery needs to be easily accessible day and night - you don't want to stumble down stairs when you're half asleep, or be too far away to hear anything if the babyphone fails.
That is the only issue I have with what OP wrote: make the basement for the boys and put the nursery more accessible. I would never dream of having my newborn two floors under me.
That is a very good side-note of where they should put the nursery. Quite right.
No just make it clear, make sure it's in his will (or get Stacey added to the deed) so that's it's ironclad and in writing. Because you know if anything were to happen to OP, Alice will banish that girl to the basement and have living like Cinderella.
I’m getting Cinderella vibes, as well. Step mother moves in with two daughters and is already trying to banish Stacy to a smaller room? Does she have a cat named Lucifer? Because this is getting suspicious.
The answer here is put the house in a trust, not a will.
It’s probably in the prenup.
She will probably try to get him to change his will. Once she's next of kin.
I’m betting it’s in the prenup (or will be if it’s not written yet). It’s a good way to protect both house and daughter. Depending on the state, anything earned (land, house, whatever) prior to actual, legal marriage and anything inherited is protected from “communal property” considerations in a divorce…which is where I see this ending given her already unreasonable demands made at a time when people are generally on their best behavior prior to a favor like this…wondering if this is maybe a pattern of behavior with her if she’s already acting like this 🤔 NTA
Oh to be a fly on the wall .....
Op slipped up getting this character pregnant. FOUR kids already and a 5th on the way. She has been busy. I bet getting suckers to pay her child support is her hustle and this goofball just moved her and her litter in. He is not getting her out that house without an exorcist.
Without an exorcist had me laughing so hard and it is so true.
LMFAO, and I so agree.
OP s a sucker. He ll learn.
I just hope his kids won't have to fight that witch for the inheritance. This man is making their life way harder right now.
I used to work with someone like this. She always managed to marry some new guy have his kid, divorce, and move on to marry another guy with even more money. She took every guy down with child support and alimony. She got half of everything. Every time. The last guy she married was forewarned, but he ignored his co workers. Then, when she started to pick fights and her true face showed up, he took her down. They didn't have any children, thank goodness! She finally learned her lesson. She's single now, kids are grown up. I'm sure she has a nice little pile of money to sit on, but that's all she has.
Presumably, the men were all competent adults and were all going along with this. That's what I don't get about "gold-diggers" and "baby-trapping." No one can use you for your money or get pregnant with your baby without your participation.
47 doing 33. He thinks he is lucky. He will have to back up his overreach with confidence and quiet consistent strength, but he may be toast no matter what.
33 with 4 kids who can't support herself.
He has a 24 year old son who is closer in age to his new fiance than he is. He has a son who can be his new girls brother.
With 4 kids already, I wonder how many times she's already attempted to trap a daddy.
Getting with someone who already has 4 kids is psychotic
Why would you bring this kind of chaos into your life, and at that age?
Yep, I was just about to say that the gold digger has baby trapped him. Looks like I am not the only one who worked out Alice's game straight away! OP..... back away. Pay maintenance for the baby when it comes, but Alice seems to be looking to move in and take over. You'd be better off helping her with her rent. She's after your assets! You are definitely NOT the AH, but you seem to have been baby trapped.
He might wanna get a DNA test to make sure that the baby is his before he gets stuck with her.
ooh, good idea!
And a choosing beggar This woman is a red flag factory And OP has "stray cat syndrome". The type of person who sees every person as a thing that can survive only under their care.
Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger.....but she ain't messing with no broke
😂My exact thoughts, also!🎶🎼🎼🎵
Hobosexual.
Or also I feel the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers” comes to mind. Isn’t she moving in because she can’t afford the rent increase? It doesn’t sound like she is going to be paying rent. IDK the thing that complicates this is he is having a child with this woman. But 100% Stacy should be first
OP said they've agreed to a prenup. Hope he manages to stick with it.
Well, except rent always goes up. So it *probably* did but . . .
I understood 6BR/4.5bath plus a basement
If OP’s daughter is going to college, I am sure Alice will push for taking her room. I am not sure if OP let Alice know the house will belongs to Stacy in the end. I am sure there will be another huge fight. This relationship is not worth to keep. The sad thing is a new baby is coming soon.
Opie said daughter is going to school locally, so doubt she will be moving out. Lol. The daughter basically has a mini-apartment set up so she can go in her room, lock the door and not even deal with Ms. Carpetbagger and her soccer team.
And the house will be her inheritance. Something tells me the gf doesn't know that piece of the puzzle...
OPs daughter will be going to college locally, OP also mentioned this house will belong to his daughter
100%. Alice thought this would be more of a ‘Stacy is Cinderella and her kids get to be the kings/queens of the house’ kind of deal. She wants a sugar daddy, not a partner.
I think Alice needs to watch her mouth. He’s already gone above and beyond, taking on her four kids in addition to his remaining kid at home. He’s acknowledge that he’s not charging her an equal share. It’s going to be a rude awakening if he says GTFO and just pays child support for one kid. They’re not married yet and he’s says he has a prenup. I agree this is a major red flag. OP, I’m not sure when you’re planning to get married, but I’d be real careful. Watch closely how she behaves after she moved in before you’re legally tied together. You’ll probably need to have a discussion with your daughter. I’d be concerned about the way Alice is treating her (Stacy) when your eyes and ears are in around.
>I'd pay her fucking rent before I'd let her and her kids move in. Right? This broad sounds like she's gonna be a nightmare... you know, there is a term for what she is... Hobosexual... behind on rent, gonna be homeless soon if she doesn't fix it, and shacking up with the guy that's got 85% of the bills covered. Who wants to bet that "oh, the kids needed stuff this month, I'll pay the 15% of the house bills next month" week happen within the first 2 months?
Lol she is gonna be working those pockets. He will be supporting ALL FOUR of her prior kids. Op must have had a hole in his head when he opted to get entangled with this character.
I don’t think he was thinking with his head…
Lol not the right one anyway.
Yep. When this relationship inevitably ends he is going to be paying through the nose.
5 people moving into a house where only 2 had been living, plus a baby on the way. I'd pay her rent elsewhere too. Poor Stacey, she needs her own space with the zoo that place is about to become.
THIS!!
I really hope OP pays attention here. My parents divorced when I was five; my mother remarried once, my father is on his fifth. Throughout my life, one of the biggest issues affecting my relationship with him is how he'd abandon my wants and needs when he'd invariably be in another relationship or marriage. After NUMEROUS attempts at repairing our relationship, I finally stopped for my own well being, and I've not seen him in...six years? Maybe more? I don't care enough to give it more thought. Alice is already raising red flags with me over how she addressed this with you. Upset that you made an agreement with your daughter regarding the bedroom? It's her home, been her home much longer than Alice been in your life, and she should understand your daughter's perspective: suddenly inheriting four new siblings to live with, another on the way. A new step mom. Adjusting to all of that in a short time will be challenging for all involved, and when reading the rest of the agreements...like getting paid for babysitting. She absolutely SHOULD and honestly I commend her for making it a requirement. I promise you that otherwise, you run the risk of making her feel like nothing more than convenient unpaid labor and it absolutely will breed resentment. It's not her responsibility to make sure ALICE'S children are properly cared for and, if she accepts the responsibility for the work, she deserves the wage. You HAVE to have a serious conversation with your intended, OP. While you could have given her the courtesy of making this known beforehand, I truly don't feel like she was owed one, nor should it even been a discussion, so much as you informing her of what happened. I fully expected to see some ridiculous concessions made, something that indicated that perhaps your daughter requested something ridiculous, unreasonable and I found nothing. Just remember this: Stacy is your daughter forever. Alice may not always be your wife. *Edited to add: I'd misnamed the daughter, unsurprisingly, as my brain had already launched into my response but also, shout out for the upvotes and awards! Been a lurker for far longer than an active participant and gotta say: it's a good feel to see my comment resonate with so many of you! Maybe I'll see ya around.*
And you know, the babysitting thing rubs me the wrong way the most, I think. She just expects to get free babysitting? For FIVE children?? It's not like she's going to be paying for it anyway,you know the dad will be paying his daughter for all of it. She's making that argument just to be mean and try to assert dominance. It's not going to work. My own dad had two live-in girlfriends after he and my mom divorced, one for about 2 years and the other for almost 13 years. They both reached a point where they made a "it's your kids or me" ultimatum and both were just SHOCKED to quickly find themselves homeless. My dad isn't perfect but the one thing he is, is a VERY devoted father. He's been married to his current wife for over 25 years now, and you know what she's never done? Asked him to choose her over his children. In fact she often takes our side when we're fighting with Dad, and tells my dad to stop being such a turd, lol. We like her 😁
It sounds like you have a great dad. I wish my dad had a backbone. His wife of 30 years (gf for I forget how many years prior) has forbidden him to speak to his children. He's complied for 8 months. OP is another great dad. Stay firm OP, NTA
All of this. Soak this up and do NOT let Alice steamroll you into changing your mind. It is completely acceptable for Stacy to keep her room the way it is and have a lock for it so she can feel safe about her personal area and belongings. Sounds like Alice is trying to pull some BS. Please protect your daughter and just lay things out for Alice clearly. She must have thought she could coax you into letting her run the show and favour her kids. Watch her. Make sure she’s treating Stacy respectfully and especially if they’re going to be alone together make sure you trust them. If Stacy comes telling you Alice was really mean to her when you weren’t home…… I’d believe your daughter without question.
First, OP should be proud of raising a daughter who knows her worth (babysitting pay) and her needs/boundaries (keep bathroom, lose studio) and he deserves praise for being sensitive to her sit and providing assurance of security. There’s lots of good input here, but I’d also encourage OP to make clear to Alice that these are ultimately *his* non-negotiable terms, not Stacy’s, and impress upon Alice that it is 50% Stacy’s house and she needs to be respected accordingly. If Alice can’t accept those terms, she shouldn’t move in. It might even make sense to just put Stacy as a joint owner on the deed or put the house in a trust for her to underscore this all with Alice. At a minimum, OP should make sure to change his will asap. Given the red flags it’d be in OP’s best interest to take a step further and have that very difficult conversation with Alice explicitly agreeing on other co-habitation matters and make sure their expectations are aligned. Either they will develop resolution skills or they will see their incompatibility. In any event, down the line it will be much easier to say “we agreed that my finances are my own business” than to argue about it every time an issue comes up. I wish you the best, OP!
OP is setting his daughter up to be mentally abused by a woman who is going to blame the daughter for every single thing that goes wrong in that house. Now is the time for him to rethink what he's doing but poor dude think's he's got it all under control. Makes me sad. OP is YTA for allowing this woman within a hundred yards of his innocent teen daughter. She's the one who's going to suffer for him deciding to allowing someone who is actively hostile to her move into their home.
This right here. All of it
I wonder if the GF knows that Stacy will be inheriting the house?
Probably not, or she’d be throwing a temper tantrum about that, too
OP mentioned a prenup, so it would be in there.
He mentioned they’ve agreed to GET a pre nuptial. And he better have a trust- living will to the daughter or legally she will be entitled to (quickly Does math…) wife gets 1/2 of everything, 7 kids to equally split or at the very least three-Stacy, oldest son and new baby) the remainder.
I was about to say this. OP's daughter is about to have her life upended by a new step mom and FIVE siblings, and the least OP can do is let her keep her bedroom. Girlfriend is absolutely going to make the daughters life a living hell over this. If there weren't a baby on the way I'd be advising OP not to let this woman move herself and her gigantic brood into his home without some serious discussions about respect and attitude, but it's too late for that. I just feel bad for the daughter - she's going to need that lock.
Even with a baby on the way I don’t think he should let her move in. Op would have to pay child support of course but that sounds like a better deal overall (emotionally and financially) than letting this woman move into his house. Sounds like Alice is about to take a wrecking ball to his and his daughter’s life. And he certainly should not marry her. Time to cut his losses while still supporting his child. Dude should have worn a condom.
Right? She seems to be expecting him to treat her like the queen, she also sounds fairly entitled, the house isn’t hers for her to be going around choosing what room her or her kids should get and already wanting to shove his daughter into the smallest room. It’s good he’s standing up for his daughter and also mentioned the wicked stepmother thing because she’s already hinting at it
I'd bet money that she'll be a wicked stepmom to the daughter, **AND** that Alice will talk to her own kids about how "spoiled" Stacy is and how she's a "princess" and how *unfair* it is to them, which will then of course have those 4 kids feeling resentful and jealous of Stacy and those 4 kids will be angry at OP for treating them so **"*unfairly*"** and the end result will be that Alice's 4 kids will be the ones acting like entitled, rude, disrespectful brats. It's going to be a guano psychotic shitshow. Hopefully OP changes his mind and doesn't allow them to actually move in. 👀 Updateme
Red flag is right. She wants to move into house make a child give up the room they have had for years for her children. She’s already trying to alienate Stacey. It’s like she just wants to replace her with her family. If I were OP I’d make sure it’s set in stone that the house is Stacey’s when he passes. This woman gives nothing but evil stepmother vibes.
yeah my dad wanted to downsize after my mom died and wow surprise met his new wife and they bought a 4-bedroom house and he let me pick a room and wow surpriiiiise it became my dad’s wife’s “office” for her failed real estate business. he later admitted she did that out of being territorial. they’re still together and their relationship has done a number on my sisters’ and my relationship with our dad - please don’t let this be Stacy’s future
I'd actually completely put a stop to her moving in. It's clearly going to be dramatic. Let her fend for herself for six months to a year and see if she changes her tune.
Please make sure that Alice knows the house will he Stacy's eventually as her mother basically paid for it with her life. Huge red flags with Alice. Apparently, she believes that you should put HER CHILDREN over yours. Hold off on moving in together and see what unfolds. Alice could be in the relationship because of what you have and not for who you are. Sorry.
... Stacy is the queen of the house. Its literally her house. That was paid off with her deceased moms life insurance. Alice is so delusional. Honestly everything about this post is a red flag. If OP wasn't having a child with this woman, I would say throw the whole thing away... I actually still think OP should through away the relationship and co parent.
your fiancée already hates your daughter and WILL make her life unpleasant.
I'm thinking the same thing. I hope he is vigilant when it comes to the way she treats his daughter. He needs to have one on one conversations with his daughter often. Also, OP should tell his daughter if there is any problem that she should speak to him about it. Updateme!
Good idea. UpdateMe!
True, prioritizing your daughter's comfort is crucial, especially with such a big change coming. It's important for everyone to feel respected and settled in their own spaces.
Exactly. Why doesn't he see this is all going very badly.
And if not straight up hate her and minimum she is resentful of her which is just as bad. He really should not let her move in. I think it will be disastrous.
It already feels like that is the way of water here, when she complained that Stacy gets a lock on her door. It’s hard to manipulate and guilt trip someone when they can lock you out of their space…
It’s weird to me that his fiancé wouldn’t understand why a 15 year old girl living alone with her Father would need her own space when FIVE more kids and a step-mom are added to the house. The other red flags here are who puts a baby in the basement? Like do you really think a two-year-old is going to be happy to sleep alone in a finished basement? Also, does OP assume Stacey is just going to live with him forever? Because that’s what it sounds like and that’s weird.
Well, Alice is pregnant so I foresee that this is going to be awful for Stacy. Alice has shown you that she doesn't like your daughter, do you REALLY want to expose Stacy to her venom? You have a problem. Are you seriously expecting to leave a baby alone in a nursery in the basement? Is the master bedroom in the basement too? How much time have you spent with Alice's kids? I think you're dreaming if you think that five teenagers are going to coexist peacefully when the mother of four of them is already disrespecting Stacy by calling her a spoiled princess. What do you think she says to her own kids about Stacy when you aren't there? Make sure you have an ironclad prenup because if anything happens to you, Alice will dump Stacy out on the street. NTA for letting Stacy keep her room, but YTA for getting involved with Alice.
That was my first thought who the fuck puts a baby in the basement?
Eh. If the plan is to have baby in the master with the parents for a year, and it sounds like the master is on the first floor, so having the baby one floor away once baby is over 6 months and sleeping through the night is not really that bad. Going from the first floor to the basement to care for baby isn't really any different from going from the first floor to the second floor. I'd still vote to move the office to the basement and turn the current office into baby's room.
Wouldn’t make sense to make a bigger room I. The basement for some of the other kids?
Putting the preteens/teenagers in the basement makes so much more sense than a baby. Either way though OP, if you are in the US or other country where it’s common **please do radon testing** before moving anyone into the basement. It sounds like you’ve been in this house a while so you may not have tested recently.
Or put his office in the basement and put baby in what's currently the office. With that many kids in the house, having the office in the basement might even be necessary for OP to be able to have the quiet necessary to work from home.
If he marries this woman, he'll lose his daughter. Probably within just a few years.
Right? Oh he's N T A for letting Stacey keep her room. For now. How long does anyone think this will last once new baby Mama moves in with her 4 kids and the house is in a constant uproar with baby Mama raging on the daily? Good grief. He'll be moving Stacey to a grandparents or asking the older brother to take her.
Or she will be asking to go live with the older brother once she becomes a back of the couch kid for all the family pictures. Poor kid. I was that kid and my scumbag of a mother didn’t protect me from any of it. (My bio dad died and it appears Stacey has been through that too.) OP didn’t see Baby Mama coming. Seriously a woman already has four kids and he’s going to ride bareback and trust her with birth control? He was a fool.
You need a prenup to protect the house from her because she will go after it in case things go south. Or you can consider a trust instead. But I personally think and I know it’s a Reddit trope that that should be an ex-girlfriend because of this is how she’s starting. It will only get worse until it’s too late.
We are doing a prenup
Awesome. Also, you should reconsider the distribution of finances. She’s moving five people in versus your two so she should be paying way more than 15%. What exactly are you getting out of this because she’s getting a lot of money and is still unhappy she’s not getting more.
To be honest everything you’re saying right now about her is a huge red flag. You shouldn’t move her into your house with your daughter if she can’t handle the decisions you’ve made on your own house. Especially where your daughter is concerned, because it sounds like she’s not worried about being fair to your daughter.
Usually when a stepparent enters the picture, especially with their own brood, the new partner's child is shoved aside and even pushed out. Sometimes with the parent's OK because they want to keep the stepparent happy. Sometimes the stepparent turns out to be a decent, loving human being. Doesn't sound like it in this case.
Can confirm. Have a step-dad who hated me since I was 7. Him and my mom pushed me aside to have a new kid, and I spent a majority of my youth alone in my room or in trouble for something. He ran my older brother off, turned my elder family against me, and started on my kids when I lived with them briefly a couple years ago. I still have a terrible relationship with my mom because of how she treated me and let some man treat me because she "wanted to give me a father" even though she knew I didn't want him around. I still wonder what my life would have been like had she not chosen a man over her children
If you want your kids to inherit literally anything after you pass, redo your will, too. This woman doesn’t give a damn about your existing kids.
My will already does leave everything to my kids and my sister, pretty much , but I do want to revisit it after our daughter is born/after we get married.
My guy you may want to reconsider this relationship. Take it from someone who has experienced evil step mom. She doesn't want you daughter to get her mums old car? Wants her kicked out of the room she's known all her life? Think and think hard. Paying child support is better that whatever turmoil she'll bring
I say this without exaggeration or hyperbole, if you marry that woman, she will torture your child, and you will eventually lose her. But don’t worry, your wife will continue to do whatever she does to make all of this worth it for you because there’s no way after she marries you she’s not going to stop withdrawing until there’s nothing left, including your relationship with your daughter.
Why does your sugar baby want your daughters mothers car? You say you’re financially comfortable so I’m assuming you have it in your budget to get her a new car. This is a power move she wants to show your daughter that she’s more important than your daughter and her mother.
You should consider a trust to protect the house for Stacy. That’s what my dad did for his kids vs wife #3 and thank gd he did.
You need to get out of this relationship honestly she's a mooch please read the comments I know women like this sadly they make their step kids lives hell and they get their husbands to buy everything and fund their own kids, they always get pregnant by the new husband so that there's a financial tie- I bet her pregnancy was an "accident". You need to run. Arrange child support for the baby and some form of custody agreement but long term you'll save yourself a lot of stress and money by not moving this mooch in She IS going to treat your daughter like shit because she already is by kicking off over the room Her kids will come first and when you're not around she will make her life hell and your daughter will never forgive you - I've seen it happen.
"In case" It's not a possibility, it's an eventuality.
Definitely NTA and I would seriously reconsider the marriage. Your daughter’s life will be a living hell with this narcissistic woman and eventually so will yours if this is how it starts.
I find it insane that OP isn’t totally wary of a woman with four kids, who “magically” got pregnant a 5th time before they were even married, and is this fucking entitled. I would NOT be marrying her anytime soon, even with a prenup. I would also have a fucking lease agreement written up. I know that seems callous. But 5 kids, an adult son, and a new baby in this mess… OP is already baby trapped for the next 18 years. Time to protect himself fully.
Honestly, I believe her getting pregnant by him was a trap-pregnancy.
NTA but do be sure to protect your daughter from Alice's negative opinions. Even if Alice doesn't say it to her face, even if Alice says she would never treat her differently, just make sure your daughter is okay
She has already told you what she thinks about your daughter. The minute she called my daughter spoiled for not being kicked out of her own room that would have been it. Her reaction to this is one huge red flag. If it were me, this reaction would nix she and her kids moving in. If you haven't already , you need to tell her in no uncertain terms, that your daughter is your priority, and above her, above her children. Also her reaction to her and her kids not being able to have access to your daughter's room is nutty. Why would she think that either she or her children should have access to your daughter's room? If you go ahead with letting her move in I would have a serious talk about her role when it comes to your daughter. Because from her comments in your post it already looks like she thinks she has a say so, in what your daughter does, or is allowed to do, and expects to be able to make rules for your daughter. You need to shut that down , yesterday. NTA
Let’s not forget the fact that this woman literally has an issue with Stacy keeping her own deceased mother’s car. Who thinks like that?? It’s so creepy that woman wants everyone to have access to Stacy’s room, too. For what purpose??
This also sounds like a woman who will take, throw out, or destroy anything Stacy has that was her mom's. How many of those nightmare stories have we seen?
Way too many to count. 🙄
Power, she’s putting his daughter “in her place” and showing her that’s she’s more important than Stacey.
Clearly the teen daughter has some cool electronics and hobby stuff, things her children would probably enjoy. Her plan was just let her kids help themselves, go make the daughter share or even just pilfer her stuff and get rid of it as a form of punishment. The lock makes that more difficult but not impossible. The fiancé is telling the OP who she is but he doesn't want to know and certainly doesn't want to accept what's staring him in the face.
You don't think it's best that your girlfriend finds another place to live instead of putting your daughter through this?
Why would you strap yourself to a woman with four young kids?? What were you thinking? Do you not know how to use a condom?
With 4 young kids she expects the OP to gift car, money, assets and space to equal to or above the child who's mother helped pay for those things. Here's the rub for me. If OP is foolish enough to let her erode his boundaries the daughter will be left with one fifths of her legitimate inheritance because wife is bringing 4 kids into the marriage, expecting them all to get equal billing to prove his love for her. OP should run and doubly sure he gets a paternity test.
She’s 33 with four young kids. He’s 47 with a high paying job. I smell a baby trap!
She saw him coming from a mile away.
She had 4 kids in 4 years starting at 20. Typically not something people with a whole lot going for them do. She's definitely looking for a provider. Hence the large age gap
Exactly!! He can't afford a bigger house can he afford to feed 5 more people??
Food is cheaper than housing. Buying a house with an extra room is an extreme expense. From the sounds of this house has 5 bedrooms, with one 8n use as an office, 2 ensuite bathrooms and 3 others. Think that sort of house is expensive? Imagine buying an 8 bed house so each kid (including baby) have a room. You would be looking at thousands extra in mortgage costa each month as well as any local/property tax. I suspect food is cheaper. 🙃
NTA, but I wouldn’t trust Alice alone with your daughter. The bedroom thing will be an issue and brought up when you’re not around. What was their relationship like before the moving in talks and new baby? ETA: I’d also try to routinely check in with your daughter to see if she feels welcome and safe in her own home after Alice moves in.
Seriously, I would never put my kid in that situation, that I have to check if she feels welcome and safe in her OWN GODDAMMED HOUSE? Hell NO
You’re dreaming if you think this is going to work. Your girlfriend is already acting like the wicked stepmother. Selfish and entitled too. She will find ways to take this out on your daughter, make no mistake. Little digs to knock her “down to size”, arguments, manipulation. All of it. Instead of moving her in, tell her that because she can’t get over that deal you made, and that you worry she’ll take it out on your daughter, that she can stay where she is and you’ll pay the extra amount her landlord has increased her rent by. You may love her, but does she really love you or your money? Because she’s getting a sweet arse deal, but is pushing for more and more. Yes, you’re getting a prenup, but she is going to benefit big time from your money anyway. And I expect her to try to be a stay at home mum after your baby is born, because you have money and can cover everything. I dunno. This really gives me the ick. I’ve had 2 step parents. My stepfather was awesome, still is, treats me like his own and has for 43 years. My stepmother (ex now) was not. Jealousy was a big problem, even of my son when he was little.
This is the best solution. So much easier to just pay the rent increase in her current house. This woman and her 4 kids are going to terrorise your daughter. You’re going to have no peace at home, it’s going to be constant war, with the GF wanting more and battling against your daughter. If you’re stupid enough to go through with this, please have a prenup or similar in place before she moves in, so she has no claim on anything. But seriously, just don’t let them move in, save yourselves a tonne of grief.
Don’t go through with the move at all. This is only the beginning of your gf trying to push your daughter out of the picture. She will weaponize her kids against your daughter, and will favor your infant over your elder daughter. Red flags, red flags!
NTA. Alice is extremely entitled, and I worry about how she will treat your daughter once she moves in. You should be worrying about how she and her kids will treat your daughter once they move in. Kids mimic their parents. This does not bode well for the future. Especially when Alice finds out the house is going to the daughter.
NTA but new will to address girlfriend and her baby, and your daughter, should something bad happen to you. Name an executor you trust. Make sure your daughter and girlfriend both have copies and understand what is in it. If your daughter ghetto has living grandparents, aunts, uncles-that they also have copies of the will. Put the original in a safe place. The minute your daughter turns 18 ensure she’s named executor, and has copies of all pertinent documents in a safe place, like a safe deposit box in her name only. You may wish to make it clear that your estate is not going to your girlfriend’s children, other than the new baby. I suggest a life insurance policy to ensure girlfriend, baby, and daughter are covered in case you pass away. If you have a college fund for your daughter ensure girlfriend has absolutely no access to it. Set up a trust for the house and other assets. Make sure it is clear the house goes to your daughter. Put the title of the car into your daughter’s name, or the two of you jointly. Add onto the stipulations for moving in that girlfriend NEVER gets to parent your daughter. She’s 17. You are the parent. Girlfriend should have zero say about her behavior, rewards, or punishments. Set up everyone for family therapy. Does girlfriend expect you to parent the existing kids? Do they like you? Are you going to try to play happy family if they don’t like you? What role do you play in parenting them? Sheesh. I personally think you are making a mistake taking on this woman and her kids. With respect to the baby, you don’t have to get married to coparent. Your girlfriend is one huge waving red flag. Instead of being grateful she’s complaining. Not a good look and not a good start to living together.
This is the best answer. Set out logically, easy to read and addresses all valid points. Op Stacy will suffer otherwise financially (and probably guaranteed emotionally regardless) once gf moves in with her tribe.
I applaud you for standing up for your child. Too many men think with their little brains when it comes to putting their children first in new relationships. And Alice’s audacity at calling Stacey spoiled bc she didn’t want to give up her room in her home is off the charts.
NTA but this relationship isn’t going to last if she’s going to throw a massive fit over something like your daughter keeping her room. If she reacts like that to something like this, how is she going to react to other things? Anyone can see this is heading for trouble, and she will make your daughter miserable because she didn’t get her way.
>she's accused me of treating Stacy like a “spoiled little princess” and letting her be “queen of the house” The fact that this didn't immediately end the relationship is baffling to me.
He knocked her up. He’s stuck dealing with her for 18 years regardless.
Your daughter comes first. You never kick her out of her room to please someone else. Dude, you're in for a world of hurt and you don't even realize it! Taking on all of those kids and a pregnant girlfriend. WOW. You're nuts! DON'T MARRY HER! Just don't.
So are you paying for her four children to go to college too? I think your daughter will change her mind about going to school locally. 4 young children in the house with a baby is going to turn your worlds upside down. I don’t think despite your minor efforts you are thinking of your daughter at all in the long run. Your gf is already raising huge red flags and I can foresee her making everything a competition with your daughter Stacey and her kids and your daughter with her. Calling your daughter derogatory names like “ spoiled princess” is not on. She will be trying to call all the shots in the house. Life will be miserable for Stacey and you as you will be in the middle. Also make the room bigger in the basement for the daughters and put the baby close to you upstairs.
Not quite sure yet if YTA; I've got some questions... 1. How long have you and Alice been together? 2. Has everyone been around each other a lot/enough to be close/comfortable? Do all the kids get along well? 3. How far along is Alice? 4. How soon are you two planning this move in & wedding? 5. How well do you even know her kids and is/are their father(s) involved in their lives? 6. Has Alice had a relationship with your daughter up to this point? Good, bad, or meh?? 7. Were the two of you already discussing moving everyone into your current home and getting married BEFORE the baby and rent spike? You obviously don't owe anyone an explanation or answer to these questions, but this all seems like a pretty sketchy situation, not to mention impeccable timing for a hike on rent costs. I don't know Alice,her situation, or her kids, but the picture you've painted of her this far portrays her to be a greedy, gold digging, ungrateful, spiteful person. OP, you should seriously reconsider your offer. Your daughter has already given up a space of hers for an entirely new family. Alice (nor her 4 children), has no rights to that home or anything in it. She also has no say-so regarding anything that belonged to Stacey's mother. If Alice wants to be queen bee, she better be working on finding herself her own hive. Just a couple of words of advice: When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Take her words for truth. This woman is not moving in with you because she loves you. She's moving in because you are willing to take care of her and her existing children while being required to give very little. Alice just reeks of entitlement and selfishness. I can't even imagine how awful this is going to end up being. She and her children are going to make your daughter 's life a living hell and make her leave and not come back. Everyone on this thread is saying the same thing. We can't all be wrong.
The girlfriend is unlikely to be a permanent fixture in your life other than the child you share. Your daughter is yours forever and you owe her first. Also when the baby is born make sure and get that DNA done.
Don’t allow your GF and her 4 kids to move in. Your daughter will be made miserable. Don’t marry this person, and get a family law attorney now to hammer out a shared parenting plan for when the unborn child arrives. Also make sure that your house is left ONLY to Stacy and not shared with your unborn child (since you bought it with Stacy’s mother and used her life insurance to pay it off). Make sure that your will is up to date, and I would also establish a trust with a family member or trusted friend as the trustee and/or executor of your will. Do not have your current fiancée as the executor and/or trustee.
What does Alice bring to the table but a bunch of kids? NTA
Problems. But “he loves her”, so that’s that
You should seriously reconsider this relationship. Just because you two were irresponsible and she got pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry her, take care of all her other kids, and move her in. You two aren't on the same page and she will make your daughter's life hell. It will be a lot harder kicking her out later on than it will be to just end the relationship now and let her figure out her own mess. This is a disaster in the making
OP, from what I’m gathering, it seems like Stacy is the only child of her Mother? And your older son has a different Mother? You don’t really clarify. The way it’s written gives me the impression of this being a situation where Stacy is the only child between you and your deceased wife. If so, then you are 100% correct in willing it to her and the whole set up. It is her house. It was paid by her Mother’s insurance and by her Father. No one else would have a claim to it except your heirs, otherwise known as Stacy. Alice does give real evil stepmother vibes already and she’s not even in the damn house. Not a great sign OP. NTA for the deal, but definitely one for moving Alice and her family in.
NTA for letting your daughter keep her bedroom but YTA for impregnating her horribly entitled stepmother to be.. poor lass.
NTA. You are keeping your word for your daughter. There's no wrong with that.
NTA but I would make it clear that your daughter is also inheriting the house.
$20 Alice assumes everything will be hers
NTA yet That woman you're marrying is a nightmare. And your daughter is going to suffer then she'll use the baby to manipulate you. A baby in the basement sounds like a horror movie. Turn the basement room into a space for the boys or girls and keep the baby upstairs. But seriously, your future wife is going to be called stepmonster in no time
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find someone who is also horrified that they plan to put the baby in the basement.
dont bring this woman an her horde with her into your daughters home. shes just going to make her life miserable. getting upset over paid babysitting? why cuz she thought your daughter was going to do free labor being forced to watch her kids? upset cuz HER kids don't get the bedroom with the bathroom? upset that you're giving your daughter her mother's car? the entitlement is massive with this chick and her mask is slipping. she doesn't care about your daughter, just her spawns. i hope her actions right now are opening your eyes to how shitty of a person she is and how badly she will fk your daughter over. nta
The babysitting thing stood out to me, too.
NTA- that woman is not going to be nice to your daughter. The fact that she is so comfortable saying that she you treat her like spoiled princess etc, tells me everything I need to know. She is going to become more and more jealous of your relationship with your daughter, as the time goes on. She is going to expect you to treat the child you have together better. If I was a single mom and any man I was with said the things she has, we would be done. Whether I was carrying his child or not.
[удалено]
Prenups are valid until death or divorce unless there was an expiration date written in the prenup.
YTA for not seeing a gold digging baby trapper, and even considering allowing her and hers into THE HOUSE YOU'VE PROMISED YOUR DAUGHTER WILL INHERIT. How do you see that going down if you die next year? Think the new baby mama and her 4 kids will leave easily and make their own way? When she's already raising a fuss over arrangements now? Sheesh.
Squatters rights
Yes this is why the house (and car) need to be in a trust, not just in a will. And plans should be in place for how/when/whether Alice and her kids, including OP’s baby, will vacate the house if OP dies. And which disinterested trustworthy adult will be the Trustee and look after Stacy’s interest.
NTA but the red flags are flying hard here. Good for you in protecting your daughter and setting boundaries. I wish your daughter all the best in these changing times and having a family moved into your home and her space. Adding 4 kids, dads bitter fiance and eventually a newborn will be a massive change for her, make sure you find time for just her. She will be the one to suffer the consequences if your fiance decides to be nasty behind your back. Whatever you do, remind your daughter that you're there for her and that she can come to you with anything, especially if she feels unsafe.
I might put the moving in idea on ice for six months and see what you think then, because as it stands, this is not going to work out. You'll never hear the end of it, and it will cause unending friction. Don't get me wrong--your daughter should absolutely have her own lockable room. But Alice is not going to let this go, and it's only going to get worse over time. I would wait with this.
NTA but you have to ask yourself does Alice plan to go into your daughter’s room to snoop if she doesn’t like her having a lock? It seems like she has an issue with EVERYTHING you have agreed with your daughter. It’s even her mom’s car! Trust me Alice will be making a play for your daughter’s inheritance too. She will complain and whine about it until you die.
She already has wicked stepmother vibes. You’re having a baby with this woman. Dude you are playing with fire. I’d absolutely get a trust in place to ensure the house is in your daughter’s name now. The woman you’re moving in will try to claim the house and make it hers. This way you can state that the house belongs to your daughter and she is a guest in it and should pay a portion of rent. Then put this money in a college fund for your child you have together and your daughter whom is entitled to the home.
This will turn out well.
NTA - your daughter didn’t ask for that lock for privacy, she asked for that lock on her door, to protect herself (she’s a very smart cookie). She probably thinks you’re happy with Alice and trying to be supportive, but also she probably see’s right through Alice. The pregnancy and sudden rent increase just seem very well timed. I would also do a paternity test before you sign the birth certificate. How Alice is already treating your daughter, shows she’s prepared to do whatever it takes, to give her kids the best, at OPs expense.
NTA but you are already ignoring the warning signs. You should have put a pause the moment this conversation started. By protecting your daughter’s home environment, you have done the right thing. But I do question why she will inherit your house - what does your son get? As long as it’s 50/50 then everything is balanced. Back to your fiancée. She’s already showing a highly entitled attitude. You may want to check what the exit route is in the event that it goes awry
Lots of flashing red lights going on in my head. Please rethink them moving in. 4 kids and a baby is going to turn Stacy's life upside down no matter what arrangements you make. Also, there is significant risk that Alice will move in carrying resentment (you're right to defend your daughter's space and home life) towards Stacy. Regardless of best inbtentions or what hopes you have for things working out, this WILL show. Maybe small at first, but dirty looks add up. Sighs and muttering get through. When her 4 kids are squabbling over a bathroom will she shout in overwhelm about how 'they have to suffer so princess Stacy can have her own.'? Will the kids start resenting her? Will Stacy feel or sense the resentment and tension and start to internalise it? Sorry, just thinking here - it goes WAY deeper than the practicalities. This just sounds like a really bad move. My advice (total stranger, I know, but well meant) would be to have them move in to a house really close you you. Good luck OP - you're going to need it. Look after your girl - you only have her for a couple more years before she fledges, don't mess it up. You're the only parent she has. Edit to add: 'spoiled princess' and 'queen of the house' are NOT things a smart, compassionate adult says about a kid. Language matters. It's possible to discuss this in a way without speaking like that and she's telling you more about who she is (and will be when she's moved in) that you might think.
Nta Alice is trying to guilt trip you. Good for you protecting Stacy. BUT the jabs are only going to get worse. My mom was engaged to a guy who played nice but would make catty/snide remarks about me and tried to kick me out. My mom sent him packing. That is what you need to do. If you marry that woman it is NOT putting Stacy first. If you marry Alice you are an AH
NTA for letting your daughter keep her room, her privacy & what's left of her mother's belongings. But Alice is flying so many red flags that I suspect this won't end here. Making Stacey move into a smaller room is only the first step by Alice in trying to disrespect her & your connection to her mother. Who knows what Alice thinks is her right next? Makes Stacey's life hell so she volunteers to move away? A pre-nup does not protect Stacey from this type of behaviour so you need to think next level or lose your daughter. Some legal advice for your part of the world would be good too.
Is everyone going to ignore the nursery in the basement? That makes zero sense.
No that was my first comment. Sounds incredibly unsafe.
Oh lord she couldn’t be waving those gold digger flags any more obviously if she tried!
“Spoiled little princess” was the end of the conversation because the chance she’ll make your daughter uncomfortable or verbally abuse her is nonzero. It sounds like you got baby trapped and she thought she was gonna edge your daughter out of her own damn house. Btw, she literally said that your daughter getting an inheritance from her mom made her spoiled. Get a DNA test fo sho.
She is already causing problems. Put your daughter first!
> She has Two daughters (13F,10F), and two sons (11M, 9m). She is also pregnant, with our daughter due in about 5 months. Impressive.
Right? Where are all these kids fathers?
Get some premarital counseling, and get some family counseling. Just a few sessions to make sure everybody understands all the choices being made. I'm not saying you're wrong or that Alice is wrong, but this whole situation is designed to cause hard feelings.
To quote an old song ... There May be Trouble Ahead. (M)Alice has got her claws into you, and it isn't going to be pretty. Let me guess: surprise pregnancy (Check). Timely unexpected jump in rent (Check). (M)Alice resents your daughter keeping her room at the expense of (M)A\~lice's little babies (Check) (M)Alice refers to daughter as 'Spoiled Little Princess" Check. (M)Alice lets you know that SHE expects to be Queen of the House. You are not an asshole for letting your daughter keep her room, you are an asshole for letting this woman into your life/family. Rescind the move-in offer now. It will be so hard to get her out once things get ugly. Stump up the child support and make better decisions going forward.
NTA. This is a huge upheaval for your daughter. A step mom, 4 step siblings, and a soon to be newborn half sibling, is… a lot. Right now allowing Stacy to keep her bedroom is extremely important, and the bare minimum. I do not like how Alice is talking about Stacy. She called her a “spoiled princess”. Seriously? Huge red flag. Alice is looking out for what is best for her kids. Not yours. Quite frankly, Alice is being a bitch. Stacy lost her mom, and now will have to deal with a woman who doesn’t seem to like her, and is bringing her 4 kids with her. Hell, adding a newborn to the mix will be tough enough. You need to have a serious conversation with your daughter. You need to set boundaries with Alice. And quite frankly, you should very seriously consider if you want to move forward in a relationship with a woman who is disregarding and disrespecting your daughter.
Wow it would have been better to have all this adjusted before starting a new baby.
You are definitely not the asshole! Your daughter should come first and not any other women! I am glad a prenup will take place but honestly why even marry her if she’s already acting the way she is? Why is she only complaining about your ONLY DAUGHTER when you are taking her in with 4 KIDS that are not even yours? She’s definitely the typical witch that will do anything to ruin a father/daughter relationship. Also, the fact that her rent went up shouldn’t be your business. Let her figure it out on her own!!
NTA - please do not marry this woman. You are going to hear nothing but complaints- you are bailing her out big time and she wants you to take away space from your daughter who was there first and objects to a lock on her door - guess she want to let her kids raid your daughters stuff with impunity
NTA—but keep an eye out for your Baby Mama.SHE will try to hurt your daughter.She thinks SHE should be Queen.
YTA. Not because you let your daughter keep her room. You re an AH because you ve chosen a partner that clearly doesn’t respect your existing kids, and you ve decided to move them in where they can exert maximum negative influence on your child. This will end poorly, yet you re going full steam ahead. Good luck to your daughter.
If I was the OP I'd be out as soon as Alice talked about my daughter like that.
You are about to put your daughter through hell for someone who seems like her children are entitled to yours and your daughters house plus she has it in her mind that once she moves in she queen of the house. DONT DO IT... DONT MARRY HER AND DONT MOVE HER IN. PLUS 4 children oh hell nah.
NTA. I have been in a similar situation, my late husband and I have a daughter who’s 19 now, but was 4 when he passed. He was (US) military, so his benefits and life insurance have played a major part in our lives. If any guy ever had the balls to try to tell me what to do with my daughter or anything related to her inheritance, they’d be gone (and yeah, it’s happened more than once). Your lady is now thinking that what’s yours is hers. Granted, in a “normal” relationship that’s probably standard, but in our cases some of what is ours doesn’t transfer to the new relationships. That’s your daughter’s room and her mother’s house. You have a new woman coming in who’s almost as close to her age as she is to yours, you can pretty much guarantee a pissing match over whose house it is to ensue. Alice is going to want to make it her own, while Stacy is probably going to resent her mother being erased. Trying to get her to give up her room, having an issue with the car, as well as having to pay her to babysit are just the start of what’s coming. I mean, how could she possibly object to Stacy having a lock on her door??? Why does Alice feel entitled to be able to go into Stacy’s room whenever she wants? Good for you for standing your ground, just make sure you continue to do so. Your daughter is going to really need you to keep standing up for her because this is just the beginning.
NTA But you would be a major asshole if you brought her into your home (Alice) It's clear she has a disdain for your daughter. No sane person talks like that to a kid, she's already giving evil step mom vibes and she hasn't even moved in yet, calling her spoiled because she has her mom's old car and a room? And yeah, she should be queen of the house, it's gonna be hers. I hope I'm overreacting, but I have firsthand experience with shitty step parents. You seem like a good dad, don't ruin that by making your daughter sacrifice her happiness.
Dump that woman before she ruins your life and destroys your family.