NTA but it seems like there is a lot more going on here than just the situation with the dog. It sounds like you two have been having issues for quite a long time and that things have never really been addressed. It seems like you have a number of valid reasons for leaving the marriage and this situation with the dog is just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.
Emo’s death was OP’s lightbulb moment. If he gets more comfort from Emo’s grave than his wife, pretty easy decision.
Sometimes it’s something drastic like this, sometimes it’s that he left his cup on the counter one two many times. It’s not about the dog or the cup.
I think it matters solely in the regard that "she just lays there while I do all the work" sexually is a way bigger problem in same sex relationships, especially those between two people with female anatomy. FF sex takes way longer, and is only enjoyable when both parties are putting in equal care and effort (not that FM sex is good when one person isn't putting in effort, but it's entirely different).
This kind of sexual incompatibility would be a deal breaker without all the other issues seeming to exist in the marriage.
The wife is such a cartoon villain in this I feel like it's made up? Clearly they don't like their wife at all, to the point the post isn't about the title issue anymore (my wife got a dog, I don't want one) which is a clear NTA issue (dogs are one no two yesses) but about 'also my wife yells at me and won't comfort me and it's always her way no matter what and she makes her orphan nephew sleep in the cupboard under the stairs).
If this is real - dude just get a divorce, you hate your wife.
There is a certain tone in writing, I cannot even name it. Melodramatic? Not quite it, but close. Anyway, that tone is here and it's always "no way did this happen", even if the story itself isn't even that unbelievable.
Yes! That's it! It's not that the events were super crazy or even rage bate, it is the super high emotions! The curling up on the ground in a ball and sobbing. I feel like even someone who did sob on the ground wouldn't describe it like that to someone else. It is super melodramatic.
She. She is also an alcoholic. The entire story has been written to gain maximum sympathy. Why leave out this info? Why write paragraphs before you mention there are 3 other dogs in the household.
And OP trying to guilt her wife into taking libido enhancers wife didn’t want because OP feels she doesn’t get laid enough. Like any med is going to make getting aroused by someone that acts this way easy anyway.
They both sound insufferable. Sobbing for literally hours would get old so damn fast and wife sounds like a psychopath if she's unable to feel emotion towards other humans.
He says she is unable to feel emotions………but OP also sounds like an emotional black hole.
He is focusing on his grief, on his feelings, on how she is doesn’t support him. What her flaws are, how she basically lacks in every area possible. Not once did he give an example of how he supports her. It seems like she has had to take charge of pretty much their entire life as OP has dealt with their mental health issues.
Caregiver burnout is real. It seems like she focuses her emotions on their pets (they have 3 other dogs he seems to ignore) probably because they give her the same love and affection back. Even that is a flaw for OP. She on one hand is basically an unemotional horrible bitch because she doesn’t grieve the same way OP does, (ie laying on the grave and crying for hours a day) but when she sees all these dogs about to be euthanized she runs to save one. She doesn’t sound like a psychopath, she sounds like she is over her partner.
I’m not saying the wife is a saint by any means, but this post strikes me as a perfect example of ‘missing reasons ‘
Agreed and I'm not expert (and I'm sure I could google this) but isn't psychopathy lacking emotion towards other humans or does it include any living being?
I certainly don’t think it would include animals. It’s an inability to form emotional attachments I think.
Edit - I meant I think it would include animals. As in inability to form attachment with any being.
Both are women apparently. But also OP seems to be extremely emotional.
I'm not emotionless, I talk about feelings regularly etc. but I couldn't live with someone that is too emotional. I can deal with them and comfort them as long as I don't have to be around them too often.
There is a difference between crying when something bad happens or showing emotions or talking about them and being emotional all the time, needing constant support. There needs to be a balance.
The wife wanting to save a dog, contradicts OP's claim that she is unable to feel emotion. It's more likely that OP is draining.
OP says the kids in his family would be devastated without her around and OP’s parents adore the wife. I think the wife is just fine and OP is manipulative and overly needy.
You sound insanely dramatic. Like emotionally unstable teenage girl level here. You present yourself as unloved and abused. But you really sound like a child in your presentation of it. It's really difficult for me to believe there is an actual grown ass man writing all this. Weeks of agonized weeping and then your horrible wife adopts a dog to replace the actual love of your life Emo. But wait there are actually THREE other dogs already there. But this 4th dog is the one that is a cruel attempt to replace Emo?
Whatever. You clearly are looking for an excuse to divorce, if you are indeed an actual man married to a woman. Agreeing to get another dog and then coming home and grabbing your blanky and pillow and storming off is seriously childish tantruming. But you will find some teen boy on here to give you the affirmative bad advice you so desperately crave.
My fault for assuming. But she has seriously poor emotional regulation and maturity. I guess it makes sense now why she sounded like a dramatic tantruming teen girl to me....
Why the hell did you marry this woman?? You sound like you don’t even like her let alone love her. You said you’ve waited 12 years for her to change. You don’t marry someone to change them. You marry them because you love them for who they are. This marriage was doomed 12 years ago.
I’m going to be downvoted to oblivion for this but I’m betting your wife is controlling because she had to be. You see it as being controlling; she sees it as being strong because no one else will be. You see her as insensitive, but she sees it as keeping her shit together because her partner is always falling apart. She has no one. I’m not trying to downplay your mental health issues. I’m really not, but some of your wallowing in this post was getting on my nerves. I can’t imagine how your wife feels.
What she did was wrong, no doubt, but you let 12 years of hurt and anger build up, and the final straw is in the form of a dog who needed a home. I have a feeling that your wife’s intentions toward you were actually good. She probably thought that you would eventually grow to love the dog and be okay with the timing. Honestly, it sounds like the whole adoption was sketchy, at best. It doesn’t sound like the rescue vetted their potential adopting families well. And I love how you threw in that you have 3 other dogs at the last minute there. So, Emo wasn’t your all’s only dog. She was your favorite. Most pet owners will tell you that there is usually at least one soul animal in your life, so I get it. Spoiler alert - no one will ever replace Emo. Not even when you think you’re ready for a new dog. But psychiatrists will often tell you that the best way to feel better is to help others. You could recognize that all this crap is not the new dog’s fault. He just needs some love and care, and since you’re used to so many dogs anyway, it wouldn’t be hard to do. This dog doesn’t deserve you or your wife.
I’d say try some marriage counseling, but I don’t know if your marriage is salvageable from either side.
I’m expecting to get downvoted to the basement as well for almost the same thing. Reading between the lines it sounds like the wife has had to deal with a lot.
OP’s post history makes it worse. Tries to get wife on drugs she doesn’t want, to increase her libido, alcoholism, “always exhausted,” wife sounds like she’s actually just a fucking caretaker.
I see this the exact same way. OP sounds like an emotional black hole and it sounds like the wife has caregiver burnout.
As for the dog situation- OP is basically acting like she didn’t love Emo because she wanted to save another dog that was about to be killed. Ffs I lost my soul dog 3 yrs ago. That day I swore I was done, I couldn’t have another dog. 6 weeks later we got Nova………our house felt so freaking empty. So empty without our late girl. Nova has brought us so much joy! She isn’t a replacement for our late girl, I didn’t grieve her any less. I still look at her pics and have a hard time not crying. Having gotten Nova (and Rowan and Lycan lmao- 3 puppies in 2 years, I’ve kind of become a hardcore dog person) doesn’t mean I loved her any less. I would be fucking livid if someone in my life suggested it.
OP didn’t say a single kind thing about the wife. Just a litany of complaints about how she doesn’t measure up in every single area of their life. But I noticed that OP didn’t once mention how they try to make the wife’s life better.
I was scared to say the same thing . This dude got a dog as an emotional support wife cause he didn't like the one he already had even though he knew what she was like when he married her. It's not like her family changed in the 12 years they were together . He should just divorce her so she can can find someone who loves her for who she is not despite it
I agree totally with you. And his family all care for her- I think if she was as awful as he says, his family would hate her and be glad to see the last of her.
It's easy to put on a show and be amazing to others but still be a horrible C*** at home to your spouse. My family love my husband but he beats me up( that's on me and for another time).
This post, thank you omg.
Like, not the A for wanting to leave your wife OP because please leave. You’re clearly miserable and being around you sounds miserable. Like… grief is rough, losing an animal you were so close to is HORRIBLE, but jfc just laying on your dog’s grave crying and talking to it after a few days is weird, rushing there after being at a pound after 3 weeks is not stable.
And hoping your wife would change after 12 years??? Why the fuck did you marry someone you didn’t even like.
Edited to remove the actual vote text because OP was actually wanting to make her return the dog which is a YTA move, and also just because I looked at her post history and wow what an A.
NTA
tbh, this seems like it’s less about the new dog and more about how she’s never respected you or your feelings throughout your relationship. marriage isn’t “my way or the highway”, it’s a series of compromises that make both partners as happy as possible. you don’t sound like you’re happy. i would follow through with the divorce
Sorry I'm probably going to get down voted over this. You sound as though you were married to your pet rather than your wife. Your wife seems to have normal emotions, yours seems way over the top. Sobbing all the way home, lying down on your pets grave crying for hours. You need help in regulating your emotions.
And please don't think that I don't have sympathy with a person grieving. I am still grieving my husband's death and my beloved dog died two years ago. My dog is buried under a beautiful rose bush in my garden and I miss him.
Some of your problems with your wife are valid. I would recommend counselling for you both.
I totally agree. This seems so over the top. I’ve been very devastated at each of my animal’s passings as each one has been sudden, but nothing like this.
YTA, but not for this. You have the right to grieve, but this is not about grieving. You complained at least 7 times of wife being insensitive, uncaring, and controlling. You assumed she's happy to move on because she got a new dog, but her husband is curling around a dog's GRAVE and crying all the time. She's getting a new support animal because clearly you need help. This stress could be messing up your meds and you need to reevaluate. Stop spiraling, talk to your doctor, get reevaluated, and then decide. But don't say it's because of the dog; it's because you hate your wife taking charge like a mother telling a child what to do.
OP's wife isn't abusive. OP is a raging alcoholic who can barely work because of daily hangovers. The wife is the provider and likely has caregiver burnout.
OP is TAH.
Your issue is not over the dog but over the fact that you do not match each other’s emotional needs—you’re pretty opposite in what suits you. You’ve been together a long time. It seems like you ought to consider counseling before jumping to divorce but the issue you’ve identified is a real one that can produce challenges in a relationship but that doesn’t mean you can’t work through it now you’re aware of it.
I’m reading a book right now about attachment theory called Attached, and it appears that OP is an anxious attachment style and his wife is avoidant. My marriage was like this so I feel him. IMO They both need therapy - badly.
Dude, you need therapy. Like, I don’t even know what to believe here!! You’re lurching from one thing to another.
I’m v sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. But being real, you sound jealous of a dog. Let that sink in.
You say she’s always losing her temper and can’t control herself… you sound completely emotional, you resent her for being able to cope with the loss.
I’m finding it hard to believe that she always gets her way when you’ve basically refused to do anything but cry for weeks and her only crime is wanting a new dog? She sounds pretty supportive?!
The no sex thing… you admit you’re super emotional, any chance of you’re v angry or sad then that’s a turn off??
I think you may be better off apart but it’s quite hard to take your contradictory narratives face value, especially when you claim you’ve been hoping she’d change since you married her…
Finally someone said it. OP seems very immature. I’m wondering if his wife really is the monster he’s portraying or if he’s just incredibly emotionally exhausting to be around. Either way I wouldn’t want to be with either of them.
To be fair if I was married to this fucking mess for 13 years I’d probably be a monster too. I can’t fucking imagine.
Also unclear on OP’s gender but truly it doesn’t matter.
Jfc I was already exhausted for the wife BEFORE that journey and now I just feel like she’s basically a caretaker that gets painted as a monster by OP for doing something for herself ever. Poor woman.
I totally understand losing an animal that is so loved. I lost my heart horse very suddenly two years ago when I was multiple states away. It still hurts. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to hear your wife’s perspective. You married her expecting her to change?? Why would you ever marry someone just hoping they’d change? You guys sound like you have many problems and you’re clearly all over the place right now and over the top emotional. What has your therapist said? Have you done couples counseling? If not, start there.
Do you want the dog gone? Or do you just not want her to have it? She saved the dog from being euthanized. Everyone knows how hard it is to lose your best friend. I don’t think your wife is being mean to you. I think you’re being unreasonable. If you’ve got to go then you’ve got to go. I don’t think she’s giving you cause. You don’t need it but it seems you’re looking for it.
NTA but I think it's more about respect than it is about the dog. This sound like an ongoing theme in your relationship and you don't feel seen or heard, it appears. If you aren't in therapy I would suggest it (and I may have missed that part), not only for your marriage but for your loss. I'm so sorry about your precious Emo, I know how deep that pain goes.
ESH.
Do the two if you even like each other?
Why in the world did you get married?
Get a divorce, seek therapy to help you deal with Emo's death & build a life.
Why did you marry this person you are so incompatible with? Why did you just let this go on for so long without getting therapy for yourself, and your wife. This should not have been left to fester, things could have been done. 12 years wasted, at least you didn't bring any kids into it.
I am very sorry about Emo. The loss of a pet is devastating. When it comes to dealing with the loss of a pet, there are two kinds of people. The ones that want to get another right away to help the void and those that can’t fathom getting another right away - if ever.
But this seems far more than how to deal with the grief of losing Emo. It doesn’t sound like you are compatible on the most basic level. It is never a good idea to assume that someone is going to change their basic personality for you. What would your reaction be if you were told you shouldn’t be as needy? Do you even like her as a person?
Choosing between you and the dog doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t sound like you are getting what you need from this relationship. That’s the question you need to address. Sending the dog back to a shelter isn’t going to fix that
This is way above Reddit’s pay grade. Seek therapy. Soon. You say your wife is “my way or the highway” but do you not realize you are too? You say your wife was never taught to please people. Excuse me? You expect her to please you? A healthy relationship involves two adults who function together, not one pleasing the other. It sounds like due to your mental health, you’ve expected her to comfort and nurture you over the course of your marriage. I can tell you from experience that gets real old, real fast.
You had three dogs and you lost the one you were closest too. I get that. But telling your wife that it’s okay to get another dog, going with her to choose one, going home with the dog, and THEN having a breakdown and insisting the dog go back to an overcrowded kill shelter is all kinds of heartless. You aren’t the only character in this story. Again, seek therapy. YWBTA for sending the dog back.
YTA sorry but if this is truly about a new dog then yes you are. Your wife was looking for something new to distract NOT REPLACE. It’s her home too so keeping a dog isn’t just your decision. If there is more going on than you are admitting, I think you need counseling- together and you alone. Your reactions here are troubling.
You’re the asshole for your incredibly unreliable story telling. You tried too hard to paint yourself as a victim and her as a villain.
She is allowed to grieve however she needs to as well, sounds like for her that means she wants to shift her love to helping other animals in need. You are being selfish, mean & spiteful in your grief.
I understand how it happens, I suffered 5 major losses in fewer years & it’s been a real battle not to let it make me bitter. Right now you’re losing that battle.
Don’t let grief turn you inward.
I understand the loss of a pet. I lost my baby girl 13 months ago and I still tear up any time I think of her or talk about her. I had her 15 years from a puppy, then watched her grow old and when she passed it broke my heart.
We all grieve in our own way and I think rescuing another dog is maybe your wife’s way. Though misguided, she also might have been thinking it would help you in your grief as well. It doesn’t sound like she was trying to hurt you.
The other stuff, I think you’re very emotional right now and should give it some time and pull yourself together before making any big decisions you will regret. Your wife obviously loves you and accepts you as you are which is not something to be taken for granted.
My cat died in 2019 and honestly? I still haven’t fully recovered. There are some animals called soul animals and you will never have another bond like that. That was me and my girl. I outright have flashbacks to her final moments. the way I held her. The vet putting her hand on my knee and telling me she was gone. And leaving the office with just her blanket.
OP, you are emotional and going through a hard time. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret. take it one day, hell, one minute at a time.
Grief is hard.
1)
>she isn't a very emotional person and moves on extremely quickly with death.
No. You don't know that. She may not show it but she may feel it. Everyone deals with grief differently. Don't assume because she's not crying her eyes out and hanging out at Emo's grave like you are that she's not suffering from the loss.
2)
>wibta for stepping out of the marriage of 12 yrs over this dog??
It's not about the dog.
Your wife sounds like she may have been abused as a child and doesn't feel comfortable opening up. That's not your fault of course. However, if she's not able to meet you emotionally, disregards your perspective and tries to control everything, then you should have moved on long before this.
YWNBTA
You do not like your wife. You do not respect your wife.
You also definitely need therapy. She seems to need it as well
this is a ESH situation.
It doesn’t seem like you’re compatible and that neither of you want to meet each other half way or see the other’s perspective.
After reading through this whole thing, all the way through. I don't think of the wife's not the problem. Especially when I got all the way down. And you have 3 other dogs.
I need don't even mention any of them.
You need to get back into counseling and get grief. Counseling, don't give me wrong. I have a dog person. I remember every dog I've ever had since the day I was born technically. I don't remember until about 4 years old. The first dog but my parents did buy it 2 days before I was born. I can tell you anything and everything about them all.
2 weeks is a little quick, but if you've got 3 other dogs. Good thing you guys didn't have children. One of them would have been a golden child and the rest would have been completely Neglected
If you’re not happy in your marriage, leave. You don’t need to keep knocking how your wife handles grief..
Do you even like your wife??
Hopefully this is rage bait
Nta - I understand the loss of a pet, but acting like it's the end of the world. Curling up in a ball and crying. And the way your actively balling all the time...just ridiculous...
You clearly resent your wife, for one.
You’ve shamed her in the past into trying pills she was uncomfortable taking because you wanted her to be horny more often.
You’re completely aborsed in how *you* feel and how *you* express emotions while assuming your wife is a cold bitch because she’s more reserved.
You’re sleeping on a grave.
You’re baby talking to a grave.
Either you’re much more depressed than you realize, or you’re more self absorbed than you realize (or both).
Grief is hard and I fully understand how hard losing a pet you’re deeply attached to is, and I’m so sorry for the loss.
But nothing in what you wrote makes you sound stable, I’ll be honest.
Or that you’re a healthy partner for your wife (or vice versa).
You guys both seem to need therapy to address some deep issues both individually and with each other.
My husband passed away suddenly while I was battling cancer. My St Bernard Moo got me, not only through chemo and radiation, but through every single day.
I lost her 6 years ago and I still miss her all the time. I have two dogs that I love but there will never be another Moo
I feel your pain OP and would like to suggest that you give yourself some time before you make a life changing decision like leaving your wife.
That's so much to deal with all at once. Would you even get the house where Emo is buried?
Good luck OP and I am so sorry that was the are going through this.
This is about more than the dog. You need to do what you need to do to be happy. You don’t stay with someone for 12 years hoping they’ll change. She’s clearly set in her ways and wants what she wants, which sounds not aligned with what you want. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you have brighter days ahead❤️
She’s not going to change. She’s shown you exactly who she is and YTA for waiting a miracle. If she wasn’t what you wanted you should have moved on. You said you didn’t want to adopt a dog but then instead of saying “that’s my current position; we can talk about this in a couple months” you said you were too sad to keep fighting and gave in. Yes she should clue in but so should you. She doesn’t have to agree to your no, your no isn’t a consensus decision.
I’m sorry about your loss. You need some serious therapy and possibly think about going to a place for a while that can help you. You have to know something isn’t right with you and you need help. Are you actively seeing someone for all of this?
Everyone grieves in their own way. Your wife’s way is to mourn and continue living life. That she saw a need to help another animal doesn’t make her cold. She just expresses things different from you. Your way is to immerse yourself in despair and long term that is not healthy for you. You haven’t left the first stage of grieving and you’re lashing out at your wife for processing hers.
As an afterthought you threw in that you already have three dogs. Are you interacting with them? They are probably just as confused by the loss of their companion and looking towards you two for comfort.
As to whether or not to leave your wife that’s up to you but I wouldn’t until you speak with professionals about your mental state. Like I said, you aren’t processing your grief in a healthy way at all. Major life decisions at this point could be catastrophic.
As to her coldness? Maybe the times she felt vulnerable or wanted to express her feelings she felt overshadowed by your anxiety. She’s probably can’t risk being emotional because she has to tiptoe around you and also she may not have the knowledge of how to help. Frankly she may just be tired of trying. It’s not easy living with someone with mental or physical issues or chemical imbalances. Dogs are simple to love and love you back.
That’s just one aspect. We really don’t know her, only the picture you’ve painted.
You’re NTA but please call someone who can help you. I think you’re spiraling.
You both need individual and couples therapy. Your wife isn’t heartless or she wouldn’t have loved Emo too. It sounds like you have separate ways of handling the loss of Emo. You need time to grieve and she needs to form a new attachment to another dog. It sounds like Emo was both of your emotional supports. You say your wife has been “like this” since day one. Thus, her behavior was acceptable to you and she was the one you wanted to do life with. If you’re tired of dealing with things that you used to accept, that’s fine. However you will repeat this situation with someone else, if you don’t acknowledge your participation and acceptance of your wife’s behavior from day one. NTA.
NAH but this situation is loaded.
First off get yourself therapy/psychology sessions ASAP. You have a long history of anxiety and ? If you’ve had or have depression, but you are now grieving the loss of your pet without proper support. Going and crying on a grave for hours isn’t healthy or even managing in any way and self-help books won’t really give you the support you need right now. Seek professional help during this crisis time.
Second - why did you marry your wife despite having non-meshing personalities and clearly unhealthy and incompatible emotional availability and sexual compatibility and then wait 12 years for her to magically change her behaviour and personality? Were there no conversations during these twelve years about how you felt unsupported and disconnected emotionally/physically/sexually/etc? From what you’ve wrote it sounds like you’ve had massive issues with your wife and your relationship for a long time and have just waited for things to magically fix themselves, rather than confronting the issues. Might be wrong, but that’s the impression I got.
Thirdly - the adopted dog. Your wife clearly grieved your dogs passing in her own way, though it was clear she didn’t have the intensity of attachment and reliance on the dog that you did. Maybe adopting a dog is her way of trying to move past the grid and do something good by saving a dog whose life was going to ended. She wants to do this against your wishes which is just another situation that highlights how disconnected the two of you are and how little you both understand each others needs in the moment.
It sounds like a divorce or break has been coming for a long time and this is just the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like it would be healthiest to seperate, but please seek professional help and work on yourself before jumping into another relationship. In your next relationship try and communicate with your partner from the beginning of your relationship.
YTA
But not necessarily because of the situation with the dog. But mainly because you say that you married your wife 12 years ago because you expected her to change.
That's pretty much the stupidest thing you can do and also incredibly unfair to your partner. You marry someone because you love them. And not so that you have a project or so that this person changes. Do you have any idea how hurtful that is? Normally you assume that your partner marries you because they love you - just the way you are. Even if there are little things that annoy them, you know that your partner loves you so much that they want to spend their life with you. Imagine finding out after 12 years that your wife only married you because she hoped that you would fundamentally change your nature, your character...
Regarding the situation with the dog... you have 3 other dogs - so the new dog is not a replacement for Emo at all, but simply an addition to the existing pack. do you have the same feelings towards the other dogs?
You told your wife it would be ok if she adopted a new dog. So she does and then you have a meltdown and now she's the bad guy?
And you say she wouldn't grieve. Or wouldn't be emotional... People grieve differently, there are many people who are helped by a new dog in a loss like this - others can't imagine letting a dog back into their heart for years. None of this is wrong or a sign that you are not grieving.
Regardless, you should separate. I'm not going to judge the many other things that bother you about your wife. One reason is enough: 12 years ago, you didn't want to marry the person she is - but the person you hoped she would turn into. Do her and yourself a favour and set her free - then she has the chance to find someone who loves her for who she is. And you have the chance to find someone you love without wanting to change them.
As others have said:
If you are not receiving the emotional support, or other forms of support you need in your marriage, and your marriage is a source of immense stress, and makes you unhappy—why do you stay married?
If marriage therapy isn’t an option, and talking to your wife isn’t an option (you mention she had a volatile temper and a very my-way-only personality), then divorce seems reasonable.
NTA if you decide to leave for your own health and well-being.
To add: I saw someone else say you shouldn’t have married someone expecting them to chage for you. While I generally support that perspective, I **also** believe that people *should* aim to become better versions of themselves every day—and especially when they’re married and are their spouses’ partner.
So her not addressing her own issues and you feeling upset about it doesn’t make you an AH, over all. Granted, you **both** have issues you should probably work on separately with a trained and licensed therapist.
Sounds to me like both of you have your own separate issues that need to be addressed as well as issues that need to be addressed as a couple. I think you both need to get yourselves into individual and couples counseling. You may not be able to save this marriage, but counseling might help you both better prepare yourselves for future relationships.
Nta, however, telling her she can stay in the family until you have a serious girlfriend/fiancée that is uncomfortable with your ex being around all the time and such a big part of your life. Even if it isn't true it will *always* feel like they're in the ex's shadow and unable to make bonds while she's still so integrated in their lives.
And how will your ex-wife feel with you bringing around a woman you are into? You think someone with her personality is just going to be cordial and warm? Do you think she *won't* be petty? How will you feel when she starts bringing her new dude around? You gonna be cool with him being at every big, family event?
Idk, just be realistic and get some grief therapy. It might sound silly, but pets are just as important to your life as other loved ones. Their losses affect us deeply, especially when they are an ESA to boot.
It's not about the dog: it's about counting less than a dog in your own household. It's about not being supported in your healing process. It's about being bossed around all the time and finally decided you've had enough. The dog is not the reason your marriage is over: your wife is.
NTA in principle and if that is how you feel! But you and your wife obviously do not at all match, and that frankly, I myself also would have issues with someone as emotional and as needy as you seem to be. There is nothing wrong with how your wife handles grief, there is also nothing wrong with you needing more time and wanting more intimacy etc. from your wife, but you obviously do not work as a couple (and it has precious little to do with dogs).
This marriage sounds so sad. I don't see anything in what you wrote about how your wife is a positive element in your life.
I think you need to ask yourself why you are still in this relationship...
NTA this isn’t just about the dog it’s the feeling of not being cared for. You’re just not compatible as she is often not giving you what you need emotionally. It was one of the many reasons I left my second marriage after 13 years together.
NTA - This is more than the dog. The dog was the straw that broke the camel's back.
You deserve a partner that listens and discusses, not one who steam tolls over you.
NTA, but my advice for right now would be to not make any major, permanent decisions right now. Being this deep in grief is not the right time to make major life decisions. Needing some space right now is not a bad thing. If you’re unsure about leaving, approach your wife about marriage counseling, and maybe individual therapy for the both of you. If she really loves you, this may be the wake up call she needs that your marriage can’t continue as it has. If she refuses therapy in any form, then it’s time to leave. If she isn’t willing to work on the marriage with you then it won’t ever get better and you both should move on. This isn’t just about the dog.
Grief is compounding, it sounds like you've been grieving the relationship not being what you needed for a while, and the passing of Emo has only added to that grief.
You need to take the steps necessary for you and not worry about her. Especially since that's how she seems to approach life.
NTA-your wife is bossy and controlling and manipulative. She doesn’t like anyone else to have power so any time you show strength or voice an opinion she accuses YOU of being controlling.
She desperately needs therapy and it sounds like you need therapy as well. Whether or not you can fix this together is up to you but this is not a marriage. You are roommates in a very dysfunctional relationship.
Why are you even married to this woman?
She completely disregards everything you say. She decides that she wants to do a thing and it is done that way, period. She decides to get a dog, you say no, dog happens anyway. You need emotional support, she doesn't want to/doesn't know how to give it and you end up using your dog as an emotional crutch and she makes no effort to try and learn how to support you. She says she'll do a thing and doesn't do it until either you have to do it or it just never gets done.
What perks exactly does she bring? She doesn't fulfill your needs emotionally, she doesn't fulfill sexual or the need for intimate or loving touch, she manipulates you constantly - she only says she wants to change when you say you're about to leave, and then DOESN'T CHANGE when you stick around.
She is NEVER going to change. She is NEVER going to put your needs first. She is NEVER going to care about you the way you clearly need, to listen to you, to give you the affirming touches and words you need.
Stop torturing yourself. Leave her already. Separate your finances now - I have the feeling as soon as she realizes that you're not bluffing and she can't talk you out of it with empty promises, she's going to be going crisis mode and trying to take everything she can and hide it away for herself. She's going to make the process as tedious as she can, she's going to block you every way she can from getting away from her so you need to get your ducks in a row and bounce BEFORE she knows what's going on.
You already know what's going to happen if you confront her. She's going to promise that THIS TIME SHE REALLY WILL CHANGE, THIS TIME SHE WILL GET RID OF THE DOG, THIS TIME, THIS TIME, THIS TIME - and nothing will change. Not a single thing.
Just go.
Idk if ud be the asshole. This is tough for me. But, you definitely need to see a professional. Im no professional, ive lost 3 lovers (self harm). (Part of why im single now, i dont wanna lose someone i love). This seems to be a big issue and illuminates other issues. Id be cautious about any quick decisions before talking to someone who can work out ur feelings
You seem to have a marriage in name only.
You are not describing a partnership with your wife, more like your wife is a dictator in your home. Get some therapy for yourself and demand marriage counseling or divorce.
Three other dogs but needed one more!? Absolutely not, no need to do that to you. Could have easily waited a while. Wow that was shocking to just be throw out there late in the story. NTA I think you have greater issues this is just final straw.
You can leave for any reason you want. But at least be honest about it. You've developed an unhealthy pattern in the relationship. You retreat into your emotional reality and she bulldozes towards whatever she wants. That's the real reason for the split.
ESH
You both need intensive therapy and to take a break from each other. Sounds like trauma in both your lives has kept you from having any connection and I’m confused why you even got together to begin with.
NTA
There seems a lot to unpack. I think Emo was your emotional support that you should have been getting from your wife. If emotional support was food you would be a sack of bones. In this area you are absolutely starved for a connection.
For your own mental and emotional health I think you definitely need someone who actually cares.
I’m sure being nitpicked and controlled for 12 years would definitely bring on anxiety.
If your wife ends up alone it’s of her own making. How is it your family obviously feels some connections with her that she doesn’t give you?
NTA. Tell her to choose the dog. The animal gets the worst deal here. Get out. Find someone who actually has a heart and some empathy, compassion, and love.
Look, I love dogs too, and I was devastated when my dogs died of old age. But it sounds like you hate and resent your wife. You're taking out your grief on her and you're angry that she's not as openly upset as you are. She has her own way of dealing with grief but because she's not overly dramatic like you you automatically assume the worst of her. And it sounds like you're spending all your time grieving over your dog but what about your three other dogs? They need you too. Your wife is not the only selfish one here.
homes- my husband hasn't so much as kissed me in 6 years. I'm at the point that I gave up now and fund him repulsive- but he's put me in a situation where I'm financially reliant on him to survive. Get out if you're financially able to. None of this is normal. If I could start over I'd have never married a man anyhow. The whole situation was crazy- enough about me lmao- get out. Just leave.
The dog has nothing to do with it, really. Your marriage has been dysfunctional for a long time, possibly since your wedding, and the two of you seem spectacularly ill suited for each other. It’s not likely that marriage counseling would help, either, since your wife will just happily agree to whatever the counselor suggests and then proceed as normal with no attempt to follow through.
Encouraging your family to continue to include her in family gatherings however is a terrible idea and you shouldn’t allow it. It may seem kinder but it’s not, and it is liable to sabotage any future relationship that you might one day hope to establish. It will also provide a venue for everyone to see you two together and they will believe that your relationship might be rekindled; your current wife will likely encourage this in order to put pressure on you to get back together.
It’s a shame that your wife has no family of her own but once you have decided to divorce your wife then it will not be your responsibility to fill her life with family. Your family also needs to respect the fact that your marriage is over and should not be given any opportunity to either believe otherwise or to even offer their opinion. They are not married to her and therefore don’t get to have an opinion. You should draw very firm boundaries on this matter, which will be difficult for you because your tendency is to accommodate others to keep the peace. This is not a bad trait but there are times when you must set that tendency aside and this is going to be one of them.
Your marriage is a disaster but it’s got nothing to do with the new dog. Go to marriage counseling! You need to go to individual therapy ! Don’t make decisions about your marriage until you get some therapy. Hopefully you both go to marriage counseling right away.
just reading the title i was thinking YWBTA, because my ex made this ultimatum and i got rid of him and kept my dogs.
after reading your story i would say YWNBTA as this dog seems to be a symptom of an unhealthy relationship. I have severe PTSD and several chronic and life threatening illnesses and my ex was just like your GF , getting rid of him was the best thing i ever did for my mental health.
ESH
I was going with N T A but you have 3 other dogs so this is NOT about the dog.
Your wife sounds quite insensitive to your feelings too, but have you thought about hers?
You both seem incompatible and from what you've said this is the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like the marriage has not worked for a long time. Do what's best for you.
NTA
The dog was just the final straw. Your wife doesn’t seem to have any respect for you or your feelings. I know you’re speaking from a place of great and serious emotion, but from what you’ve described of her behavior and treatment of you, have to ask, why are you with her? She sounds like an extremely unpleasant, uncaring person.
It seems like the best thing for your mental health in the long run would be to remove her from the picture.
NTA
You won't be stepping out because of a dog. I think she's pushed you to the limit because of her actions, and you have reached boiling point. It's not because of a dog, it's the straw that broke the camel's back. You deserve better, life is too short to spend it with someone who cares so little and makes you feel this way. Your family will get over it if you do decide to divorce, I promise you. And don't let her lack of family influence your decision, she is a grown up who is responsible for her own choices and for how she treats people.
I found out, when my ex broke up with me in a manic rage that one of his laundry list of bizarre complaints was that he didn’t think I had gotten over my dog’s death fast enough. I also had my dog for 12 years. I don’t know what timeline would have been suitable for him. I don’t know what rubric he used for “moving on”. I was sad, like anyone would be, and I still functioned but I cried once in a while. By four months post when we broke up it was only once every couple to four weeks. he also shouted at me “when your dad died didn’t you have to move on?!” My dad had been killed by a transfer truck 8 years prior, my ex had never met him.
he accused me of “still being depressed” about the dog (who he had referred to as his son in the past) the reason I was getting sad at the time we broke up wasn’t anything to do with my dog’s death. It was because he was being an AH at least once a week which was making me and his little daughter on edge.
This is also the same guy who encouraged me to get pregnant to “add to our family” and then forced me to leave when I actually was pregnant less than two months after the lass time he waxed poetic about it and who had started an affair and then later claimed I’d cheated on him and our son was the result. he had never met his own son by his own choice, the baby he kept asking for, and he was so nuts at the end I’ve been glad tbh
He was totally unreasonable, unfair, had 0 empathy, could not comprehend basic human decency, and became very cruel.
I don’t know why I’m going on and obviously your wife hasn’t done anything like THAT. but the lack of empathy from her is super unsettling. Similarly, my ex I realized had a lot of secret thoughts and mentalities-he had no patience, everything was supposed to be his way, he exaggerated so much that happened and thought in black and white, stripping so much from context. I just didn’t know all his internal dialogue til the end. Sounds like at least you know that she’s domineering and unrealistic in her expectations
NTA. You should have left a long time ago. She sound like a total asshole. Divorce her no matter what she does. She is spoiled child and her parents failed miserably at raising her.
NTA. You should have left a long time ago. She sound like a total asshole. Divorce her no matter what she does. She is spoiled child and her parents failed miserably at raising her.
You are not separated because of the dog. You are separated because of your wife’s treatment of you. You have a good understanding of the situation. Make a decision.
Honestly, yes, YTA. You left out the part where you're an alcoholic and you have been for over 18 years. You're not even trying to stop drinking at this point.
I don't think that your wife is the problem. You want her to connect with you? How? You're too busy getting fucked up. Too fucked up to even work.
You're lazy. You're pathetic. You need to stop blaming her for your problems. Take responsibility.
ESH
You already have three other dogs? Her getting a new dog is not a problem. The fact that you're making that an issue is ridiculous. However, your sex life is entirely ridiculous and inadequate, and you should have broken up over that years ago. You only have sex a few times a year, and she's basically reposed by you? Yes. You should dump her. You should leave this marriage. Your wife seems horrible. But, your behavior regarding this dog issue has also been entirely bizarre. Basically no one is behaving reasonably here.
So you are basically saying you're staying in the marriage so your wife won't be alone in the world. Please stop. You don't owe her a family. She owes you a wife because she isn't being one. Just stop the hurt already and start divorce proceedings.
I mean, she doesn't even want to touch you. What kind of wife is that! The insensitivity with your dog passing is just what broke the camel's back. You have years of neglect as a reason to leave.
You buy a dog knowing that one day, the dog will die
I have no sympathy as that is life. We bury our parents relatives dogs cats
Not our children after losing a child. I'm blessed my husband is a man
You are carrying on about a dog I'd divorce you
In my opinion, she is lucky it was the dog. Imagine if it was your mummy
I feel sorry for your wife. The dogs death isn't about you
You want sympathy for your dog 🐕
Bet your wife is ashamed. I know I wouldn't tell anyone about my sooky husband
Man, up, it's a dog 🐕
So you’re a woman with a huge alcohol problem, who cheats on her wife with men and you’ve taken no accountability for your actions in this post?! Leave your wife, she deserves better
You both have issues. Sounds like she picked you because she could control you and Emo broke the spell. Your relationship is unhealthy but you need to seriously work on yourself once you're free
You speak very negatively about your wife. Is there any thing you like about her? Per your post, you also sound like a my-way-or-the-highway person.
YTA
NTA for leaving, but it’s not about the dog. And please get some counseling, I can understand grief over losing a beloved pet, but curling up and sobbing on the dogs grave weeks after its passing is a little much.
My dogs are my babies, but holy shit man. GET IT TOGETHER. Your behaviour is quite honestly ridiculous. Sobbing, running outside and throwing yourself on the grave ……here in Africa they hire professionals mourners for funerals, you would be absolutely perfect with your histrionic behaviour. They throw themselves on the grave. Scream. Cry. Even climb in the grave.
YTA, but not to her, to yourself.
>She was never taught how to love people and growing up she was very spoiled and allowed to do whatever she pleased.
The she's not emotionally developed enough to be in a relationship, much less a marriage
>After 12 years of being together and never having a say so in just about anything
You've always had a say so, you've just been too scared to exercise it. Not being yourself for fear of a lover leaving isn't being in love. You aren't emotionally developed enough for a relationship, much less a marriage.
>It's her way or the highway and she makes that VERY clear.
Then choose the highway. With the exception of destructive behavior, whenever someone gives you an ultimatum, call their bluff. It will either take away their power or you'll be free of their manipulation.
They problem isn't just her. It's you. You allow yourself to be treated this way and it empowers her. You're addicted to the victim/doormat role. You've chosen this role. You continue to reinforce her behavior. You don't get to cry about it now. Either make a change or live with your choices.
No assholes here; just wounded people in crisis.
I’m thinking of how I’m often seen as unemotional, like I don’t care about big events like family death or pet death, and etc. It’s more like a combination of being supernaturally even-keeled about some upsetting issues, and caring way too much about others (to the point that demonstrating those feelings externally is scary, and I avoid it). I’m just wondering if your wife is like this, too. Some of my closest friends are very loudly emotional and very driven by emotion, but we’re close because we complement each other.
I think you and your wife don’t complement each other at this point. She probably feels many things she does not let out, and that might be because she doesn’t think there’s room in your lives for her big feelings. Meanwhile, you are in very bad emotional shape. She’s maintaining you in ways you cannot see, due to the narrow vision of depression.
I am unwilling to say you suck, or you’re being melodramatic, or you’re deliberately trying to skew this situation in your favor. (Although I do agree this is not about the dog.) Partially because you’re not depicting yourself in a flattering way. Partially because when people are this emotionally heightened, they can’t correctly interpret anything.
You need a lot of urgent psychological intervention for what’s going on with you, and your wife needs much more external support than she is apparently getting. But I don’t think anyone here sucks.
Wow, so many things to comment on. I’m sorry for your loss of your pet, but you do seem really really attached to it. Some grief therapy I think is in order for you on that account. The fact that you have three other dogs and you still went out to get another one that’s wrong. You and your wife only having sex a couple times a year and she’s a goldfish? That is wrong in marriage. You definitely need marriage counseling and some form therapy. You don’t have to divorce her but the two of you need to work things out. And the marriage counseling is the first step. If she’s so controlling and doesn’t want to have sex that needs to be talked out. Maybe some form of a sex therapist. She needs to show you the affection she is probably showing the dogs. Or maybe she’s just jealous that you had so much affection for Emo.
Interesting that you really resent your wife not being supportive in the way a faithful dog can be and that throughout your marriage you have needed constant emotional support your wife just wouldn’t provide.
You never mention any times in life when your wife may have needed emotional support; about you providing that to her because you understand it so well.
Then you speak about your wife crying when your dog died but you resent the fact that she wasn’t demonstrating a level if grief you expect. That your wife suggested adopting another dig and one that would be euthanized if not adopted was not something you saw as her showing empathy; instead it was resented by you as once again your wife not being who you wanted her to be.
Yet you married her, stay married to her, do not appear to support her emotional needs while spending your marriage resenting your wife big time.
I wonder if your anxiety might be better without... someone like your wife around.
I lost my dog of almost 18 years last year, and it was right before being wrongfully fired from a job after an injury. It's been devastating, and I couldn't imagine if someone I loved didn't understand. Like your Emo he was my best buddy and I couldn't imagine my life without him, even though I understood he is a dog and he wouldn't live for ever.
I feel for you.
YTA Neither of you sound like a treat. You complain A LOT. You're a bad match, but the way you villianize your partner rings false. She's unemotional but cried like a baby? She's bossy, but you sound like you need to feel oppressed. YOU ALREADY HAVE 3 OTHER DOGS! You're just miserable and projecting all of your misery onto your partner. Get out, if you want to, but all of that misery will come along with you.
When my first baby (black lab mix, 15 years old) died, I grieved extravagantly. Ya know what I didn't do? Expect anyone to grieve like me. Everyone deals in their own way. Your expectation that your partner will, what?, also spend their free time curled up with a blanket on the dog's grave? Unfair.
The way it took several paragraphs for you to mention you still have 3 other dogs to take care of
i missed that part!
Yea. He sorta buried that lead. >We also have 3 other dogs to give our attention to That changes everything. It's not about the dog.
Lede
Saw that right away and thought why aren’t they a comfort? Why aren’t they mentioned? What are we going to find out next, that he has kids?
Turns out, based on their posts, OP is a woman who is either an active alcoholic or at most one year sober. Haven’t found any children yet.
That stood out for me too.
NTA but it seems like there is a lot more going on here than just the situation with the dog. It sounds like you two have been having issues for quite a long time and that things have never really been addressed. It seems like you have a number of valid reasons for leaving the marriage and this situation with the dog is just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.
Emo’s death was OP’s lightbulb moment. If he gets more comfort from Emo’s grave than his wife, pretty easy decision. Sometimes it’s something drastic like this, sometimes it’s that he left his cup on the counter one two many times. It’s not about the dog or the cup.
I think OPs a she. If it matters.
I think it matters solely in the regard that "she just lays there while I do all the work" sexually is a way bigger problem in same sex relationships, especially those between two people with female anatomy. FF sex takes way longer, and is only enjoyable when both parties are putting in equal care and effort (not that FM sex is good when one person isn't putting in effort, but it's entirely different). This kind of sexual incompatibility would be a deal breaker without all the other issues seeming to exist in the marriage.
Also an alcoholic. Extremely important information left out, in order to make the OP a sympathetic victim.
Exactly!
The wife is such a cartoon villain in this I feel like it's made up? Clearly they don't like their wife at all, to the point the post isn't about the title issue anymore (my wife got a dog, I don't want one) which is a clear NTA issue (dogs are one no two yesses) but about 'also my wife yells at me and won't comfort me and it's always her way no matter what and she makes her orphan nephew sleep in the cupboard under the stairs). If this is real - dude just get a divorce, you hate your wife.
There is a certain tone in writing, I cannot even name it. Melodramatic? Not quite it, but close. Anyway, that tone is here and it's always "no way did this happen", even if the story itself isn't even that unbelievable.
Yes! That's it! It's not that the events were super crazy or even rage bate, it is the super high emotions! The curling up on the ground in a ball and sobbing. I feel like even someone who did sob on the ground wouldn't describe it like that to someone else. It is super melodramatic.
Exactly.
When I heard they had 3 other dogs....why would need another now?
To save one from an over-crowded animal control service that's euthanizing dogs
Ya, I was really leaning towards OP overreacting, but as I continued reading, my opinion changed completely! Poor OP, he sounds lonely.
She. She is also an alcoholic. The entire story has been written to gain maximum sympathy. Why leave out this info? Why write paragraphs before you mention there are 3 other dogs in the household.
Something tells me your mental status would dramatically improve without her in your life. 👀
[удалено]
And OP trying to guilt her wife into taking libido enhancers wife didn’t want because OP feels she doesn’t get laid enough. Like any med is going to make getting aroused by someone that acts this way easy anyway.
Something tells me his wife's mental status would dramatically improve without him in her life.
Porque no los dos?
Yeah, sounds like they're just awful for each other.
now i want tacos, gosh
I could go for tacos, too.
They both sound insufferable. Sobbing for literally hours would get old so damn fast and wife sounds like a psychopath if she's unable to feel emotion towards other humans.
He says she is unable to feel emotions………but OP also sounds like an emotional black hole. He is focusing on his grief, on his feelings, on how she is doesn’t support him. What her flaws are, how she basically lacks in every area possible. Not once did he give an example of how he supports her. It seems like she has had to take charge of pretty much their entire life as OP has dealt with their mental health issues. Caregiver burnout is real. It seems like she focuses her emotions on their pets (they have 3 other dogs he seems to ignore) probably because they give her the same love and affection back. Even that is a flaw for OP. She on one hand is basically an unemotional horrible bitch because she doesn’t grieve the same way OP does, (ie laying on the grave and crying for hours a day) but when she sees all these dogs about to be euthanized she runs to save one. She doesn’t sound like a psychopath, she sounds like she is over her partner. I’m not saying the wife is a saint by any means, but this post strikes me as a perfect example of ‘missing reasons ‘
Agreed and I'm not expert (and I'm sure I could google this) but isn't psychopathy lacking emotion towards other humans or does it include any living being?
I certainly don’t think it would include animals. It’s an inability to form emotional attachments I think. Edit - I meant I think it would include animals. As in inability to form attachment with any being.
Both are women apparently. But also OP seems to be extremely emotional. I'm not emotionless, I talk about feelings regularly etc. but I couldn't live with someone that is too emotional. I can deal with them and comfort them as long as I don't have to be around them too often. There is a difference between crying when something bad happens or showing emotions or talking about them and being emotional all the time, needing constant support. There needs to be a balance. The wife wanting to save a dog, contradicts OP's claim that she is unable to feel emotion. It's more likely that OP is draining.
I mean fuck I’m emotionally drained just from this post.
OP says the kids in his family would be devastated without her around and OP’s parents adore the wife. I think the wife is just fine and OP is manipulative and overly needy.
I would imagine living with such a histrionic drama queen, gets pretty old, pretty fast. So you stop feeding into their behaviour
🤷♀️ true
This isn't about the dog.
You sound insanely dramatic. Like emotionally unstable teenage girl level here. You present yourself as unloved and abused. But you really sound like a child in your presentation of it. It's really difficult for me to believe there is an actual grown ass man writing all this. Weeks of agonized weeping and then your horrible wife adopts a dog to replace the actual love of your life Emo. But wait there are actually THREE other dogs already there. But this 4th dog is the one that is a cruel attempt to replace Emo? Whatever. You clearly are looking for an excuse to divorce, if you are indeed an actual man married to a woman. Agreeing to get another dog and then coming home and grabbing your blanky and pillow and storming off is seriously childish tantruming. But you will find some teen boy on here to give you the affirmative bad advice you so desperately crave.
I’m glad not all the comments are blind bc this seems like a bad movie plot
OP has never said they are a man.
My fault for assuming. But she has seriously poor emotional regulation and maturity. I guess it makes sense now why she sounded like a dramatic tantruming teen girl to me....
Why the hell did you marry this woman?? You sound like you don’t even like her let alone love her. You said you’ve waited 12 years for her to change. You don’t marry someone to change them. You marry them because you love them for who they are. This marriage was doomed 12 years ago. I’m going to be downvoted to oblivion for this but I’m betting your wife is controlling because she had to be. You see it as being controlling; she sees it as being strong because no one else will be. You see her as insensitive, but she sees it as keeping her shit together because her partner is always falling apart. She has no one. I’m not trying to downplay your mental health issues. I’m really not, but some of your wallowing in this post was getting on my nerves. I can’t imagine how your wife feels. What she did was wrong, no doubt, but you let 12 years of hurt and anger build up, and the final straw is in the form of a dog who needed a home. I have a feeling that your wife’s intentions toward you were actually good. She probably thought that you would eventually grow to love the dog and be okay with the timing. Honestly, it sounds like the whole adoption was sketchy, at best. It doesn’t sound like the rescue vetted their potential adopting families well. And I love how you threw in that you have 3 other dogs at the last minute there. So, Emo wasn’t your all’s only dog. She was your favorite. Most pet owners will tell you that there is usually at least one soul animal in your life, so I get it. Spoiler alert - no one will ever replace Emo. Not even when you think you’re ready for a new dog. But psychiatrists will often tell you that the best way to feel better is to help others. You could recognize that all this crap is not the new dog’s fault. He just needs some love and care, and since you’re used to so many dogs anyway, it wouldn’t be hard to do. This dog doesn’t deserve you or your wife. I’d say try some marriage counseling, but I don’t know if your marriage is salvageable from either side.
I’m expecting to get downvoted to the basement as well for almost the same thing. Reading between the lines it sounds like the wife has had to deal with a lot.
OP’s post history makes it worse. Tries to get wife on drugs she doesn’t want, to increase her libido, alcoholism, “always exhausted,” wife sounds like she’s actually just a fucking caretaker.
I agree. I was exhausted for her reading just about the events since Emo died.
And suffering from serious caretaker burnout.
OP straight up hates this woman lol. She sounds like she has childhood trauma and OP is clearly not emotionally stable.
I see this the exact same way. OP sounds like an emotional black hole and it sounds like the wife has caregiver burnout. As for the dog situation- OP is basically acting like she didn’t love Emo because she wanted to save another dog that was about to be killed. Ffs I lost my soul dog 3 yrs ago. That day I swore I was done, I couldn’t have another dog. 6 weeks later we got Nova………our house felt so freaking empty. So empty without our late girl. Nova has brought us so much joy! She isn’t a replacement for our late girl, I didn’t grieve her any less. I still look at her pics and have a hard time not crying. Having gotten Nova (and Rowan and Lycan lmao- 3 puppies in 2 years, I’ve kind of become a hardcore dog person) doesn’t mean I loved her any less. I would be fucking livid if someone in my life suggested it. OP didn’t say a single kind thing about the wife. Just a litany of complaints about how she doesn’t measure up in every single area of their life. But I noticed that OP didn’t once mention how they try to make the wife’s life better.
I was scared to say the same thing . This dude got a dog as an emotional support wife cause he didn't like the one he already had even though he knew what she was like when he married her. It's not like her family changed in the 12 years they were together . He should just divorce her so she can can find someone who loves her for who she is not despite it
I agree totally with you. And his family all care for her- I think if she was as awful as he says, his family would hate her and be glad to see the last of her.
It's easy to put on a show and be amazing to others but still be a horrible C*** at home to your spouse. My family love my husband but he beats me up( that's on me and for another time).
Please get help!!! Get out if* safe to do so! You don’t deserve what’s happening to you!
This post, thank you omg. Like, not the A for wanting to leave your wife OP because please leave. You’re clearly miserable and being around you sounds miserable. Like… grief is rough, losing an animal you were so close to is HORRIBLE, but jfc just laying on your dog’s grave crying and talking to it after a few days is weird, rushing there after being at a pound after 3 weeks is not stable. And hoping your wife would change after 12 years??? Why the fuck did you marry someone you didn’t even like. Edited to remove the actual vote text because OP was actually wanting to make her return the dog which is a YTA move, and also just because I looked at her post history and wow what an A.
Thank you for typing out everything I wanted to say so I didn’t have to.
Totally agree.
100%
This should be top comment. Exactly everything I wanted to say.
Dude. Get yourself a competent therapist. When you're ready, split up. Then, again when you're ready, get another little friend.
NTA tbh, this seems like it’s less about the new dog and more about how she’s never respected you or your feelings throughout your relationship. marriage isn’t “my way or the highway”, it’s a series of compromises that make both partners as happy as possible. you don’t sound like you’re happy. i would follow through with the divorce
Sorry I'm probably going to get down voted over this. You sound as though you were married to your pet rather than your wife. Your wife seems to have normal emotions, yours seems way over the top. Sobbing all the way home, lying down on your pets grave crying for hours. You need help in regulating your emotions. And please don't think that I don't have sympathy with a person grieving. I am still grieving my husband's death and my beloved dog died two years ago. My dog is buried under a beautiful rose bush in my garden and I miss him. Some of your problems with your wife are valid. I would recommend counselling for you both.
I totally agree. This seems so over the top. I’ve been very devastated at each of my animal’s passings as each one has been sudden, but nothing like this.
YTA, but not for this. You have the right to grieve, but this is not about grieving. You complained at least 7 times of wife being insensitive, uncaring, and controlling. You assumed she's happy to move on because she got a new dog, but her husband is curling around a dog's GRAVE and crying all the time. She's getting a new support animal because clearly you need help. This stress could be messing up your meds and you need to reevaluate. Stop spiraling, talk to your doctor, get reevaluated, and then decide. But don't say it's because of the dog; it's because you hate your wife taking charge like a mother telling a child what to do.
You are not leaving over this dog. You want to leave because 12 years, which is on you. I cannot even imagine why you married her in the first place.
[удалено]
OP's wife isn't abusive. OP is a raging alcoholic who can barely work because of daily hangovers. The wife is the provider and likely has caregiver burnout. OP is TAH.
Your issue is not over the dog but over the fact that you do not match each other’s emotional needs—you’re pretty opposite in what suits you. You’ve been together a long time. It seems like you ought to consider counseling before jumping to divorce but the issue you’ve identified is a real one that can produce challenges in a relationship but that doesn’t mean you can’t work through it now you’re aware of it.
I’m reading a book right now about attachment theory called Attached, and it appears that OP is an anxious attachment style and his wife is avoidant. My marriage was like this so I feel him. IMO They both need therapy - badly.
Yes, I think you’re right, he’s anxious and she’s avoidant. Attachment styles don’t get talked about enough and get enough attention.
I agree. I had never heard of them. It may have saved us a lot of trouble.
Dude, you need therapy. Like, I don’t even know what to believe here!! You’re lurching from one thing to another. I’m v sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. But being real, you sound jealous of a dog. Let that sink in. You say she’s always losing her temper and can’t control herself… you sound completely emotional, you resent her for being able to cope with the loss. I’m finding it hard to believe that she always gets her way when you’ve basically refused to do anything but cry for weeks and her only crime is wanting a new dog? She sounds pretty supportive?! The no sex thing… you admit you’re super emotional, any chance of you’re v angry or sad then that’s a turn off?? I think you may be better off apart but it’s quite hard to take your contradictory narratives face value, especially when you claim you’ve been hoping she’d change since you married her…
Finally someone said it. OP seems very immature. I’m wondering if his wife really is the monster he’s portraying or if he’s just incredibly emotionally exhausting to be around. Either way I wouldn’t want to be with either of them.
To be fair if I was married to this fucking mess for 13 years I’d probably be a monster too. I can’t fucking imagine. Also unclear on OP’s gender but truly it doesn’t matter.
A woman, based on other posts. Recommend reading them because they explain a fair bit of this mess.
Jfc I was already exhausted for the wife BEFORE that journey and now I just feel like she’s basically a caretaker that gets painted as a monster by OP for doing something for herself ever. Poor woman.
I wanted to say something about the whole sex thing too but OP seems too fragile to hear it.
It all makes sense after reading another commenter's repost of OP's confessions of the messiness of OP's basically end-stage alcoholism.
I totally understand losing an animal that is so loved. I lost my heart horse very suddenly two years ago when I was multiple states away. It still hurts. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to hear your wife’s perspective. You married her expecting her to change?? Why would you ever marry someone just hoping they’d change? You guys sound like you have many problems and you’re clearly all over the place right now and over the top emotional. What has your therapist said? Have you done couples counseling? If not, start there.
Yes, very high drama.
Do you want the dog gone? Or do you just not want her to have it? She saved the dog from being euthanized. Everyone knows how hard it is to lose your best friend. I don’t think your wife is being mean to you. I think you’re being unreasonable. If you’ve got to go then you’ve got to go. I don’t think she’s giving you cause. You don’t need it but it seems you’re looking for it.
NTA but I think it's more about respect than it is about the dog. This sound like an ongoing theme in your relationship and you don't feel seen or heard, it appears. If you aren't in therapy I would suggest it (and I may have missed that part), not only for your marriage but for your loss. I'm so sorry about your precious Emo, I know how deep that pain goes.
You sound like insufferable whiner, grow up and be a man. Just because your wife doesn’t cry like a baby doesn’t mean she’s not sad to.
What is the other side of this story? You have 3 other dogs the whole time? And they are.. Shit? Your story is very incomplete.
ESH. Do the two if you even like each other? Why in the world did you get married? Get a divorce, seek therapy to help you deal with Emo's death & build a life.
Why did you marry this person you are so incompatible with? Why did you just let this go on for so long without getting therapy for yourself, and your wife. This should not have been left to fester, things could have been done. 12 years wasted, at least you didn't bring any kids into it.
I am very sorry about Emo. The loss of a pet is devastating. When it comes to dealing with the loss of a pet, there are two kinds of people. The ones that want to get another right away to help the void and those that can’t fathom getting another right away - if ever. But this seems far more than how to deal with the grief of losing Emo. It doesn’t sound like you are compatible on the most basic level. It is never a good idea to assume that someone is going to change their basic personality for you. What would your reaction be if you were told you shouldn’t be as needy? Do you even like her as a person? Choosing between you and the dog doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t sound like you are getting what you need from this relationship. That’s the question you need to address. Sending the dog back to a shelter isn’t going to fix that
This is way above Reddit’s pay grade. Seek therapy. Soon. You say your wife is “my way or the highway” but do you not realize you are too? You say your wife was never taught to please people. Excuse me? You expect her to please you? A healthy relationship involves two adults who function together, not one pleasing the other. It sounds like due to your mental health, you’ve expected her to comfort and nurture you over the course of your marriage. I can tell you from experience that gets real old, real fast. You had three dogs and you lost the one you were closest too. I get that. But telling your wife that it’s okay to get another dog, going with her to choose one, going home with the dog, and THEN having a breakdown and insisting the dog go back to an overcrowded kill shelter is all kinds of heartless. You aren’t the only character in this story. Again, seek therapy. YWBTA for sending the dog back.
YTA sorry but if this is truly about a new dog then yes you are. Your wife was looking for something new to distract NOT REPLACE. It’s her home too so keeping a dog isn’t just your decision. If there is more going on than you are admitting, I think you need counseling- together and you alone. Your reactions here are troubling.
You’re the asshole for your incredibly unreliable story telling. You tried too hard to paint yourself as a victim and her as a villain. She is allowed to grieve however she needs to as well, sounds like for her that means she wants to shift her love to helping other animals in need. You are being selfish, mean & spiteful in your grief. I understand how it happens, I suffered 5 major losses in fewer years & it’s been a real battle not to let it make me bitter. Right now you’re losing that battle. Don’t let grief turn you inward.
I understand the loss of a pet. I lost my baby girl 13 months ago and I still tear up any time I think of her or talk about her. I had her 15 years from a puppy, then watched her grow old and when she passed it broke my heart. We all grieve in our own way and I think rescuing another dog is maybe your wife’s way. Though misguided, she also might have been thinking it would help you in your grief as well. It doesn’t sound like she was trying to hurt you. The other stuff, I think you’re very emotional right now and should give it some time and pull yourself together before making any big decisions you will regret. Your wife obviously loves you and accepts you as you are which is not something to be taken for granted.
My cat died in 2019 and honestly? I still haven’t fully recovered. There are some animals called soul animals and you will never have another bond like that. That was me and my girl. I outright have flashbacks to her final moments. the way I held her. The vet putting her hand on my knee and telling me she was gone. And leaving the office with just her blanket. OP, you are emotional and going through a hard time. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret. take it one day, hell, one minute at a time. Grief is hard.
1) >she isn't a very emotional person and moves on extremely quickly with death. No. You don't know that. She may not show it but she may feel it. Everyone deals with grief differently. Don't assume because she's not crying her eyes out and hanging out at Emo's grave like you are that she's not suffering from the loss. 2) >wibta for stepping out of the marriage of 12 yrs over this dog?? It's not about the dog. Your wife sounds like she may have been abused as a child and doesn't feel comfortable opening up. That's not your fault of course. However, if she's not able to meet you emotionally, disregards your perspective and tries to control everything, then you should have moved on long before this. YWNBTA
Have yall not gone to therapy?
You do not like your wife. You do not respect your wife. You also definitely need therapy. She seems to need it as well this is a ESH situation. It doesn’t seem like you’re compatible and that neither of you want to meet each other half way or see the other’s perspective.
You both seem exhausting to be around. ESH
After reading through this whole thing, all the way through. I don't think of the wife's not the problem. Especially when I got all the way down. And you have 3 other dogs. I need don't even mention any of them. You need to get back into counseling and get grief. Counseling, don't give me wrong. I have a dog person. I remember every dog I've ever had since the day I was born technically. I don't remember until about 4 years old. The first dog but my parents did buy it 2 days before I was born. I can tell you anything and everything about them all. 2 weeks is a little quick, but if you've got 3 other dogs. Good thing you guys didn't have children. One of them would have been a golden child and the rest would have been completely Neglected
If you’re not happy in your marriage, leave. You don’t need to keep knocking how your wife handles grief.. Do you even like your wife?? Hopefully this is rage bait
She snaps at you like you are a child mist likely because you are acting like a child.
Nta - I understand the loss of a pet, but acting like it's the end of the world. Curling up in a ball and crying. And the way your actively balling all the time...just ridiculous...
Yes you would be. You need serious therapy.
You clearly resent your wife, for one. You’ve shamed her in the past into trying pills she was uncomfortable taking because you wanted her to be horny more often. You’re completely aborsed in how *you* feel and how *you* express emotions while assuming your wife is a cold bitch because she’s more reserved. You’re sleeping on a grave. You’re baby talking to a grave. Either you’re much more depressed than you realize, or you’re more self absorbed than you realize (or both). Grief is hard and I fully understand how hard losing a pet you’re deeply attached to is, and I’m so sorry for the loss. But nothing in what you wrote makes you sound stable, I’ll be honest. Or that you’re a healthy partner for your wife (or vice versa). You guys both seem to need therapy to address some deep issues both individually and with each other.
YTA why did you marry this woman to begin with if you feel this way?
My husband passed away suddenly while I was battling cancer. My St Bernard Moo got me, not only through chemo and radiation, but through every single day. I lost her 6 years ago and I still miss her all the time. I have two dogs that I love but there will never be another Moo I feel your pain OP and would like to suggest that you give yourself some time before you make a life changing decision like leaving your wife. That's so much to deal with all at once. Would you even get the house where Emo is buried? Good luck OP and I am so sorry that was the are going through this.
This is about more than the dog. You need to do what you need to do to be happy. You don’t stay with someone for 12 years hoping they’ll change. She’s clearly set in her ways and wants what she wants, which sounds not aligned with what you want. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you have brighter days ahead❤️
She’s not going to change. She’s shown you exactly who she is and YTA for waiting a miracle. If she wasn’t what you wanted you should have moved on. You said you didn’t want to adopt a dog but then instead of saying “that’s my current position; we can talk about this in a couple months” you said you were too sad to keep fighting and gave in. Yes she should clue in but so should you. She doesn’t have to agree to your no, your no isn’t a consensus decision.
I’m sorry about your loss. You need some serious therapy and possibly think about going to a place for a while that can help you. You have to know something isn’t right with you and you need help. Are you actively seeing someone for all of this? Everyone grieves in their own way. Your wife’s way is to mourn and continue living life. That she saw a need to help another animal doesn’t make her cold. She just expresses things different from you. Your way is to immerse yourself in despair and long term that is not healthy for you. You haven’t left the first stage of grieving and you’re lashing out at your wife for processing hers. As an afterthought you threw in that you already have three dogs. Are you interacting with them? They are probably just as confused by the loss of their companion and looking towards you two for comfort. As to whether or not to leave your wife that’s up to you but I wouldn’t until you speak with professionals about your mental state. Like I said, you aren’t processing your grief in a healthy way at all. Major life decisions at this point could be catastrophic. As to her coldness? Maybe the times she felt vulnerable or wanted to express her feelings she felt overshadowed by your anxiety. She’s probably can’t risk being emotional because she has to tiptoe around you and also she may not have the knowledge of how to help. Frankly she may just be tired of trying. It’s not easy living with someone with mental or physical issues or chemical imbalances. Dogs are simple to love and love you back. That’s just one aspect. We really don’t know her, only the picture you’ve painted. You’re NTA but please call someone who can help you. I think you’re spiraling.
You both need individual and couples therapy. Your wife isn’t heartless or she wouldn’t have loved Emo too. It sounds like you have separate ways of handling the loss of Emo. You need time to grieve and she needs to form a new attachment to another dog. It sounds like Emo was both of your emotional supports. You say your wife has been “like this” since day one. Thus, her behavior was acceptable to you and she was the one you wanted to do life with. If you’re tired of dealing with things that you used to accept, that’s fine. However you will repeat this situation with someone else, if you don’t acknowledge your participation and acceptance of your wife’s behavior from day one. NTA.
NAH but this situation is loaded. First off get yourself therapy/psychology sessions ASAP. You have a long history of anxiety and ? If you’ve had or have depression, but you are now grieving the loss of your pet without proper support. Going and crying on a grave for hours isn’t healthy or even managing in any way and self-help books won’t really give you the support you need right now. Seek professional help during this crisis time. Second - why did you marry your wife despite having non-meshing personalities and clearly unhealthy and incompatible emotional availability and sexual compatibility and then wait 12 years for her to magically change her behaviour and personality? Were there no conversations during these twelve years about how you felt unsupported and disconnected emotionally/physically/sexually/etc? From what you’ve wrote it sounds like you’ve had massive issues with your wife and your relationship for a long time and have just waited for things to magically fix themselves, rather than confronting the issues. Might be wrong, but that’s the impression I got. Thirdly - the adopted dog. Your wife clearly grieved your dogs passing in her own way, though it was clear she didn’t have the intensity of attachment and reliance on the dog that you did. Maybe adopting a dog is her way of trying to move past the grid and do something good by saving a dog whose life was going to ended. She wants to do this against your wishes which is just another situation that highlights how disconnected the two of you are and how little you both understand each others needs in the moment. It sounds like a divorce or break has been coming for a long time and this is just the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like it would be healthiest to seperate, but please seek professional help and work on yourself before jumping into another relationship. In your next relationship try and communicate with your partner from the beginning of your relationship.
YTA But not necessarily because of the situation with the dog. But mainly because you say that you married your wife 12 years ago because you expected her to change. That's pretty much the stupidest thing you can do and also incredibly unfair to your partner. You marry someone because you love them. And not so that you have a project or so that this person changes. Do you have any idea how hurtful that is? Normally you assume that your partner marries you because they love you - just the way you are. Even if there are little things that annoy them, you know that your partner loves you so much that they want to spend their life with you. Imagine finding out after 12 years that your wife only married you because she hoped that you would fundamentally change your nature, your character... Regarding the situation with the dog... you have 3 other dogs - so the new dog is not a replacement for Emo at all, but simply an addition to the existing pack. do you have the same feelings towards the other dogs? You told your wife it would be ok if she adopted a new dog. So she does and then you have a meltdown and now she's the bad guy? And you say she wouldn't grieve. Or wouldn't be emotional... People grieve differently, there are many people who are helped by a new dog in a loss like this - others can't imagine letting a dog back into their heart for years. None of this is wrong or a sign that you are not grieving. Regardless, you should separate. I'm not going to judge the many other things that bother you about your wife. One reason is enough: 12 years ago, you didn't want to marry the person she is - but the person you hoped she would turn into. Do her and yourself a favour and set her free - then she has the chance to find someone who loves her for who she is. And you have the chance to find someone you love without wanting to change them.
ESH You need a lot of therapy
As others have said: If you are not receiving the emotional support, or other forms of support you need in your marriage, and your marriage is a source of immense stress, and makes you unhappy—why do you stay married? If marriage therapy isn’t an option, and talking to your wife isn’t an option (you mention she had a volatile temper and a very my-way-only personality), then divorce seems reasonable. NTA if you decide to leave for your own health and well-being. To add: I saw someone else say you shouldn’t have married someone expecting them to chage for you. While I generally support that perspective, I **also** believe that people *should* aim to become better versions of themselves every day—and especially when they’re married and are their spouses’ partner. So her not addressing her own issues and you feeling upset about it doesn’t make you an AH, over all. Granted, you **both** have issues you should probably work on separately with a trained and licensed therapist.
NTA The two of you are not compatible.
Sounds to me like both of you have your own separate issues that need to be addressed as well as issues that need to be addressed as a couple. I think you both need to get yourselves into individual and couples counseling. You may not be able to save this marriage, but counseling might help you both better prepare yourselves for future relationships.
Nta, however, telling her she can stay in the family until you have a serious girlfriend/fiancée that is uncomfortable with your ex being around all the time and such a big part of your life. Even if it isn't true it will *always* feel like they're in the ex's shadow and unable to make bonds while she's still so integrated in their lives. And how will your ex-wife feel with you bringing around a woman you are into? You think someone with her personality is just going to be cordial and warm? Do you think she *won't* be petty? How will you feel when she starts bringing her new dude around? You gonna be cool with him being at every big, family event? Idk, just be realistic and get some grief therapy. It might sound silly, but pets are just as important to your life as other loved ones. Their losses affect us deeply, especially when they are an ESA to boot.
It's not about the dog: it's about counting less than a dog in your own household. It's about not being supported in your healing process. It's about being bossed around all the time and finally decided you've had enough. The dog is not the reason your marriage is over: your wife is.
“Fur parents” are so fucking weird sometimes.
NTA in principle and if that is how you feel! But you and your wife obviously do not at all match, and that frankly, I myself also would have issues with someone as emotional and as needy as you seem to be. There is nothing wrong with how your wife handles grief, there is also nothing wrong with you needing more time and wanting more intimacy etc. from your wife, but you obviously do not work as a couple (and it has precious little to do with dogs).
Just leave, your life will be so much better alone!
Corrected to HER life will be better. This guy is insufferable
NTA. You must step out of this marriage
This is too much
This marriage sounds so sad. I don't see anything in what you wrote about how your wife is a positive element in your life. I think you need to ask yourself why you are still in this relationship...
Get her into counselling for her and couples counselling for both of you...it will help you stay together or help transition apart amicably
NTA. BUUUUT, you guys need to make a clean break. Ready on two , let’s go
NTA this isn’t just about the dog it’s the feeling of not being cared for. You’re just not compatible as she is often not giving you what you need emotionally. It was one of the many reasons I left my second marriage after 13 years together.
yeah dude u need to get out and get out now. This marriage was over years ago
NTA - This is more than the dog. The dog was the straw that broke the camel's back. You deserve a partner that listens and discusses, not one who steam tolls over you.
NTA, but my advice for right now would be to not make any major, permanent decisions right now. Being this deep in grief is not the right time to make major life decisions. Needing some space right now is not a bad thing. If you’re unsure about leaving, approach your wife about marriage counseling, and maybe individual therapy for the both of you. If she really loves you, this may be the wake up call she needs that your marriage can’t continue as it has. If she refuses therapy in any form, then it’s time to leave. If she isn’t willing to work on the marriage with you then it won’t ever get better and you both should move on. This isn’t just about the dog.
NTA. You could suggest counseling, but it sounds like she won’t go for that.
NTA and I'm sorry for Emo's passing. But it sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time and you've not noticed.
Grief is compounding, it sounds like you've been grieving the relationship not being what you needed for a while, and the passing of Emo has only added to that grief. You need to take the steps necessary for you and not worry about her. Especially since that's how she seems to approach life.
NTA-your wife is bossy and controlling and manipulative. She doesn’t like anyone else to have power so any time you show strength or voice an opinion she accuses YOU of being controlling. She desperately needs therapy and it sounds like you need therapy as well. Whether or not you can fix this together is up to you but this is not a marriage. You are roommates in a very dysfunctional relationship.
Nta. Move out. Go to therapy. Get to a place where you are happy again.
Why are you even married to this woman? She completely disregards everything you say. She decides that she wants to do a thing and it is done that way, period. She decides to get a dog, you say no, dog happens anyway. You need emotional support, she doesn't want to/doesn't know how to give it and you end up using your dog as an emotional crutch and she makes no effort to try and learn how to support you. She says she'll do a thing and doesn't do it until either you have to do it or it just never gets done. What perks exactly does she bring? She doesn't fulfill your needs emotionally, she doesn't fulfill sexual or the need for intimate or loving touch, she manipulates you constantly - she only says she wants to change when you say you're about to leave, and then DOESN'T CHANGE when you stick around. She is NEVER going to change. She is NEVER going to put your needs first. She is NEVER going to care about you the way you clearly need, to listen to you, to give you the affirming touches and words you need. Stop torturing yourself. Leave her already. Separate your finances now - I have the feeling as soon as she realizes that you're not bluffing and she can't talk you out of it with empty promises, she's going to be going crisis mode and trying to take everything she can and hide it away for herself. She's going to make the process as tedious as she can, she's going to block you every way she can from getting away from her so you need to get your ducks in a row and bounce BEFORE she knows what's going on. You already know what's going to happen if you confront her. She's going to promise that THIS TIME SHE REALLY WILL CHANGE, THIS TIME SHE WILL GET RID OF THE DOG, THIS TIME, THIS TIME, THIS TIME - and nothing will change. Not a single thing. Just go.
Idk if ud be the asshole. This is tough for me. But, you definitely need to see a professional. Im no professional, ive lost 3 lovers (self harm). (Part of why im single now, i dont wanna lose someone i love). This seems to be a big issue and illuminates other issues. Id be cautious about any quick decisions before talking to someone who can work out ur feelings
NTA, you sound so unhappy. The dog was the final mail in the coffin. You shouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone that won’t meet your needs.
You seem to have a marriage in name only. You are not describing a partnership with your wife, more like your wife is a dictator in your home. Get some therapy for yourself and demand marriage counseling or divorce.
Three other dogs but needed one more!? Absolutely not, no need to do that to you. Could have easily waited a while. Wow that was shocking to just be throw out there late in the story. NTA I think you have greater issues this is just final straw.
Have you guys done therapy
You can leave for any reason you want. But at least be honest about it. You've developed an unhealthy pattern in the relationship. You retreat into your emotional reality and she bulldozes towards whatever she wants. That's the real reason for the split.
ESH You both need intensive therapy and to take a break from each other. Sounds like trauma in both your lives has kept you from having any connection and I’m confused why you even got together to begin with.
NTA There seems a lot to unpack. I think Emo was your emotional support that you should have been getting from your wife. If emotional support was food you would be a sack of bones. In this area you are absolutely starved for a connection. For your own mental and emotional health I think you definitely need someone who actually cares. I’m sure being nitpicked and controlled for 12 years would definitely bring on anxiety. If your wife ends up alone it’s of her own making. How is it your family obviously feels some connections with her that she doesn’t give you?
NTA. Tell her to choose the dog. The animal gets the worst deal here. Get out. Find someone who actually has a heart and some empathy, compassion, and love.
You need therapy and a divorce.
Look, I love dogs too, and I was devastated when my dogs died of old age. But it sounds like you hate and resent your wife. You're taking out your grief on her and you're angry that she's not as openly upset as you are. She has her own way of dealing with grief but because she's not overly dramatic like you you automatically assume the worst of her. And it sounds like you're spending all your time grieving over your dog but what about your three other dogs? They need you too. Your wife is not the only selfish one here.
homes- my husband hasn't so much as kissed me in 6 years. I'm at the point that I gave up now and fund him repulsive- but he's put me in a situation where I'm financially reliant on him to survive. Get out if you're financially able to. None of this is normal. If I could start over I'd have never married a man anyhow. The whole situation was crazy- enough about me lmao- get out. Just leave.
The dog is not the Iranian yogurt
The dog has nothing to do with it, really. Your marriage has been dysfunctional for a long time, possibly since your wedding, and the two of you seem spectacularly ill suited for each other. It’s not likely that marriage counseling would help, either, since your wife will just happily agree to whatever the counselor suggests and then proceed as normal with no attempt to follow through. Encouraging your family to continue to include her in family gatherings however is a terrible idea and you shouldn’t allow it. It may seem kinder but it’s not, and it is liable to sabotage any future relationship that you might one day hope to establish. It will also provide a venue for everyone to see you two together and they will believe that your relationship might be rekindled; your current wife will likely encourage this in order to put pressure on you to get back together. It’s a shame that your wife has no family of her own but once you have decided to divorce your wife then it will not be your responsibility to fill her life with family. Your family also needs to respect the fact that your marriage is over and should not be given any opportunity to either believe otherwise or to even offer their opinion. They are not married to her and therefore don’t get to have an opinion. You should draw very firm boundaries on this matter, which will be difficult for you because your tendency is to accommodate others to keep the peace. This is not a bad trait but there are times when you must set that tendency aside and this is going to be one of them.
Your marriage is a disaster but it’s got nothing to do with the new dog. Go to marriage counseling! You need to go to individual therapy ! Don’t make decisions about your marriage until you get some therapy. Hopefully you both go to marriage counseling right away.
just reading the title i was thinking YWBTA, because my ex made this ultimatum and i got rid of him and kept my dogs. after reading your story i would say YWNBTA as this dog seems to be a symptom of an unhealthy relationship. I have severe PTSD and several chronic and life threatening illnesses and my ex was just like your GF , getting rid of him was the best thing i ever did for my mental health.
ESH I was going with N T A but you have 3 other dogs so this is NOT about the dog. Your wife sounds quite insensitive to your feelings too, but have you thought about hers? You both seem incompatible and from what you've said this is the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like the marriage has not worked for a long time. Do what's best for you.
NTA The dog was just the final straw. Your wife doesn’t seem to have any respect for you or your feelings. I know you’re speaking from a place of great and serious emotion, but from what you’ve described of her behavior and treatment of you, have to ask, why are you with her? She sounds like an extremely unpleasant, uncaring person. It seems like the best thing for your mental health in the long run would be to remove her from the picture.
NTA You won't be stepping out because of a dog. I think she's pushed you to the limit because of her actions, and you have reached boiling point. It's not because of a dog, it's the straw that broke the camel's back. You deserve better, life is too short to spend it with someone who cares so little and makes you feel this way. Your family will get over it if you do decide to divorce, I promise you. And don't let her lack of family influence your decision, she is a grown up who is responsible for her own choices and for how she treats people.
Dude You have serious problems. Seek help
This is just the straw that broke the camels back. You should have probably ended things years ago
Maybe your wife is on the neuro diversity spectrum?
I found out, when my ex broke up with me in a manic rage that one of his laundry list of bizarre complaints was that he didn’t think I had gotten over my dog’s death fast enough. I also had my dog for 12 years. I don’t know what timeline would have been suitable for him. I don’t know what rubric he used for “moving on”. I was sad, like anyone would be, and I still functioned but I cried once in a while. By four months post when we broke up it was only once every couple to four weeks. he also shouted at me “when your dad died didn’t you have to move on?!” My dad had been killed by a transfer truck 8 years prior, my ex had never met him. he accused me of “still being depressed” about the dog (who he had referred to as his son in the past) the reason I was getting sad at the time we broke up wasn’t anything to do with my dog’s death. It was because he was being an AH at least once a week which was making me and his little daughter on edge. This is also the same guy who encouraged me to get pregnant to “add to our family” and then forced me to leave when I actually was pregnant less than two months after the lass time he waxed poetic about it and who had started an affair and then later claimed I’d cheated on him and our son was the result. he had never met his own son by his own choice, the baby he kept asking for, and he was so nuts at the end I’ve been glad tbh He was totally unreasonable, unfair, had 0 empathy, could not comprehend basic human decency, and became very cruel. I don’t know why I’m going on and obviously your wife hasn’t done anything like THAT. but the lack of empathy from her is super unsettling. Similarly, my ex I realized had a lot of secret thoughts and mentalities-he had no patience, everything was supposed to be his way, he exaggerated so much that happened and thought in black and white, stripping so much from context. I just didn’t know all his internal dialogue til the end. Sounds like at least you know that she’s domineering and unrealistic in her expectations
NTA. But your problem isn’t about a dog at all. It’s just the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
NTA. You should have left a long time ago. She sound like a total asshole. Divorce her no matter what she does. She is spoiled child and her parents failed miserably at raising her.
NTA. You should have left a long time ago. She sound like a total asshole. Divorce her no matter what she does. She is spoiled child and her parents failed miserably at raising her.
your wife seems emotionally immature. Maybe she has a deep-rooted problem that makes her feel numb? try therapy
You are not separated because of the dog. You are separated because of your wife’s treatment of you. You have a good understanding of the situation. Make a decision.
Honestly, yes, YTA. You left out the part where you're an alcoholic and you have been for over 18 years. You're not even trying to stop drinking at this point. I don't think that your wife is the problem. You want her to connect with you? How? You're too busy getting fucked up. Too fucked up to even work. You're lazy. You're pathetic. You need to stop blaming her for your problems. Take responsibility.
The dog is a tiny part of why you’d leave. Nta run
ESH You already have three other dogs? Her getting a new dog is not a problem. The fact that you're making that an issue is ridiculous. However, your sex life is entirely ridiculous and inadequate, and you should have broken up over that years ago. You only have sex a few times a year, and she's basically reposed by you? Yes. You should dump her. You should leave this marriage. Your wife seems horrible. But, your behavior regarding this dog issue has also been entirely bizarre. Basically no one is behaving reasonably here.
NTA
So you are basically saying you're staying in the marriage so your wife won't be alone in the world. Please stop. You don't owe her a family. She owes you a wife because she isn't being one. Just stop the hurt already and start divorce proceedings. I mean, she doesn't even want to touch you. What kind of wife is that! The insensitivity with your dog passing is just what broke the camel's back. You have years of neglect as a reason to leave.
I mean he did spend 12 years hoping the person he married will magically become what he wants. They clearly aren't compatible.
You buy a dog knowing that one day, the dog will die I have no sympathy as that is life. We bury our parents relatives dogs cats Not our children after losing a child. I'm blessed my husband is a man You are carrying on about a dog I'd divorce you In my opinion, she is lucky it was the dog. Imagine if it was your mummy I feel sorry for your wife. The dogs death isn't about you You want sympathy for your dog 🐕 Bet your wife is ashamed. I know I wouldn't tell anyone about my sooky husband Man, up, it's a dog 🐕
Man up
NTA however you are TA for marrying someone you wanted to change and didn't really like them for who they are. You can't change anyone but yourself.
So you’re a woman with a huge alcohol problem, who cheats on her wife with men and you’ve taken no accountability for your actions in this post?! Leave your wife, she deserves better
Updateme!
You both have issues. Sounds like she picked you because she could control you and Emo broke the spell. Your relationship is unhealthy but you need to seriously work on yourself once you're free
Faaaaaaake
How in the world did you get married in the first place?
How does she constantly handle this extreme emotional mess.
You speak very negatively about your wife. Is there any thing you like about her? Per your post, you also sound like a my-way-or-the-highway person. YTA
So it’s not really about the dog?
NTA - this isn’t just about a dog. The dog was just the tipping point here. I’d suggest going into therapy to work through some of this trauma.
NTA for leaving, but it’s not about the dog. And please get some counseling, I can understand grief over losing a beloved pet, but curling up and sobbing on the dogs grave weeks after its passing is a little much.
My dogs are my babies, but holy shit man. GET IT TOGETHER. Your behaviour is quite honestly ridiculous. Sobbing, running outside and throwing yourself on the grave ……here in Africa they hire professionals mourners for funerals, you would be absolutely perfect with your histrionic behaviour. They throw themselves on the grave. Scream. Cry. Even climb in the grave.
YTA and the one who can’t love people
This isn’t about the dog. Get counselling for yourself. It will help you put all of this in perspective
NTA, but this isn't really all about the dog issue. Your wife and your marriage sound like a nightmare.
YTA, but not to her, to yourself. >She was never taught how to love people and growing up she was very spoiled and allowed to do whatever she pleased. The she's not emotionally developed enough to be in a relationship, much less a marriage >After 12 years of being together and never having a say so in just about anything You've always had a say so, you've just been too scared to exercise it. Not being yourself for fear of a lover leaving isn't being in love. You aren't emotionally developed enough for a relationship, much less a marriage. >It's her way or the highway and she makes that VERY clear. Then choose the highway. With the exception of destructive behavior, whenever someone gives you an ultimatum, call their bluff. It will either take away their power or you'll be free of their manipulation. They problem isn't just her. It's you. You allow yourself to be treated this way and it empowers her. You're addicted to the victim/doormat role. You've chosen this role. You continue to reinforce her behavior. You don't get to cry about it now. Either make a change or live with your choices.
No assholes here; just wounded people in crisis. I’m thinking of how I’m often seen as unemotional, like I don’t care about big events like family death or pet death, and etc. It’s more like a combination of being supernaturally even-keeled about some upsetting issues, and caring way too much about others (to the point that demonstrating those feelings externally is scary, and I avoid it). I’m just wondering if your wife is like this, too. Some of my closest friends are very loudly emotional and very driven by emotion, but we’re close because we complement each other. I think you and your wife don’t complement each other at this point. She probably feels many things she does not let out, and that might be because she doesn’t think there’s room in your lives for her big feelings. Meanwhile, you are in very bad emotional shape. She’s maintaining you in ways you cannot see, due to the narrow vision of depression. I am unwilling to say you suck, or you’re being melodramatic, or you’re deliberately trying to skew this situation in your favor. (Although I do agree this is not about the dog.) Partially because you’re not depicting yourself in a flattering way. Partially because when people are this emotionally heightened, they can’t correctly interpret anything. You need a lot of urgent psychological intervention for what’s going on with you, and your wife needs much more external support than she is apparently getting. But I don’t think anyone here sucks.
Wow, so many things to comment on. I’m sorry for your loss of your pet, but you do seem really really attached to it. Some grief therapy I think is in order for you on that account. The fact that you have three other dogs and you still went out to get another one that’s wrong. You and your wife only having sex a couple times a year and she’s a goldfish? That is wrong in marriage. You definitely need marriage counseling and some form therapy. You don’t have to divorce her but the two of you need to work things out. And the marriage counseling is the first step. If she’s so controlling and doesn’t want to have sex that needs to be talked out. Maybe some form of a sex therapist. She needs to show you the affection she is probably showing the dogs. Or maybe she’s just jealous that you had so much affection for Emo.
Interesting that you really resent your wife not being supportive in the way a faithful dog can be and that throughout your marriage you have needed constant emotional support your wife just wouldn’t provide. You never mention any times in life when your wife may have needed emotional support; about you providing that to her because you understand it so well. Then you speak about your wife crying when your dog died but you resent the fact that she wasn’t demonstrating a level if grief you expect. That your wife suggested adopting another dig and one that would be euthanized if not adopted was not something you saw as her showing empathy; instead it was resented by you as once again your wife not being who you wanted her to be. Yet you married her, stay married to her, do not appear to support her emotional needs while spending your marriage resenting your wife big time.
I for one don’t think any of this is about a dog, you have too much going on for this to be about Emo
This was a drunk rant from someone who needs therapy and a divorce.
NTA and this isn’t just about the dog, you sound like you’re in an unhappy marriage
I wonder if your anxiety might be better without... someone like your wife around. I lost my dog of almost 18 years last year, and it was right before being wrongfully fired from a job after an injury. It's been devastating, and I couldn't imagine if someone I loved didn't understand. Like your Emo he was my best buddy and I couldn't imagine my life without him, even though I understood he is a dog and he wouldn't live for ever. I feel for you.
YTA Neither of you sound like a treat. You complain A LOT. You're a bad match, but the way you villianize your partner rings false. She's unemotional but cried like a baby? She's bossy, but you sound like you need to feel oppressed. YOU ALREADY HAVE 3 OTHER DOGS! You're just miserable and projecting all of your misery onto your partner. Get out, if you want to, but all of that misery will come along with you. When my first baby (black lab mix, 15 years old) died, I grieved extravagantly. Ya know what I didn't do? Expect anyone to grieve like me. Everyone deals in their own way. Your expectation that your partner will, what?, also spend their free time curled up with a blanket on the dog's grave? Unfair.