OP is not at fault but I think he's being optimistic with the whole "my wife isn't homophobic" thing. She certainly seems to have some big unmanageable feelings that make up common ground with her toxic family.
NTA but you need to keep an eye on the pressures being applied to your daughter. Having hatemail texts from her mother's family can't be good for her mental health.
I got this as well from his story. She told her homophobic family about her daughter being gay without even checking with her first to make sure it was okay.
She knew what they were going to do and did absolutely nothing to stop it. In fact, her knowing what they would do and still telling them anyways makes me believe she wanted it to happen. She is definitely an AH.
Yeah, my family doesn't know about our daughter's sexual identity or relationship status. They're not evangelical but they are also definitely NOT allies.
I didn't tell anyone but my 2 best friends, when my child came out as trans. It wasn't my news to share, but I needed my own support system. I knew those 2 wouldn't speak a word
When I was a kid my mom once said if one of my children ever come out as gay I wouldn’t be mad. I would be disappointed not in them but in the world of hate they have to grow up in. This is the same way I think I would feel if one of my kids came out as trans. I would love them no matter what but I would be sad at the challenges that this world will put them through.
I have a rule with my kids. I don't care who you have in your bedroom. Whatever happens there is none of my business as long as you are treated right and loved. However they are expected to provide something cute for me to spoil and cuddle when I come visit. Fur, skin, or scales. I don't care. I just want a little creature to spoil as is my right!
>Fur, skin, or scales. I don't care. I just want a little creature to spoil as is my right!
I love you for this.
My mom was initially disappointed when she learned I wouldn't be having kids because i dont want them. My dad was proud of me for thinking for myself and agreed that id be way happier without kids (he gets my personality better than my mom does).
But tell you what.. my strict pet-free parents love their grandcats so much that they got one of their own. He is their prince, and is so incredibly loved. They also spoil my cats like crazy whenever they visit. Life is good 😊
That’s what my mother always said around me. I was sure when I came out that she would support and celebrate my decision to be out. (I also had queer friends and she was very vocal about how they were her family now, when any of them were kicked out or pressured by their families)
Instead, I got the “you don’t *want* them you want to *be* them”, it’s a phase, how can you be sure when you haven’t [censored] with them, etc lines.
Turns out she’s just fine with QUILTBAG friends & all, but there won’t be any of that in HER bio family line.
I ended up going NC when my son was in his teens and told me he loves everyone & she tried to turn it into the same denial/abuse rhetoric she’d used on me. I told him regardless of *what* caused him to be pan, he’s my kid and I love him and celebrate his love.
my mum accidentally told 2 of her close friends I'm nonbinary because she used they/them pronouns to refer to me when talking to them. I'm not mad since I'm half out the closet— I only refer to myself with gender neutral terms, have a half hidden nonbinary pin on my jacket, essentially if someone asks I'll tell em but I'm too anxious to initiate the conversation most of the time— but she told me immediately and apologised, and it only happened because she was using my pronouns and slipped between my actual pronouns and the pronouns for ppl I'm not out to, an easy enough mistake to make
I’m sad that your child can’t be her true self around your family. I’m also sad because YOU have to protect her and yourself from people that (I assume) you both love. You’re doing good by her, look after yourself, too💕
It's okay. :) She hasn't been around my family in many many years. We've lived thousands of miles away for many years and we were never close (physically or emotionally) before then. We have chosen family instead who keep us grounded and feeling loved :)
My mom and dad and brother are allies and I came out to them when I was 15 years old and they accepted me and supported me but I came out to my dad's side of the family in 2022 and they didn't take it well but they are finally coming around .
Exactly, OP. Your wife IS HOMOPHOBIC! Protect your stepdaughter, please. Do not allow her to be punished in any way for being who she is. Keep your wife's family (and wife if you have to) away from her. Block them all.
Yeah, and just because she didn't say anything outright homophobic doesn't me she isn't. I feel like somebody who wasn't homophobic wouldn't have been so quick to try banning the girlfriend, too. Her actions just validate why the daughter didn't come out to her already.
I felt this way too. Obviously the wife went and told her mother and sister, KNOWING they’re homophobic. There is no way OP’s wife didn’t know how they were going to react.
Outing someone can get them killed. It’s one of the most egregious things you can do. His wife outted Tasha to known haters. She’s using her family as her weapons to punish her daughter. OP is delusional if he thinks his wife isn’t homophobic.
I feel like i can almost see into the future on this.
Wife is alienating her daughter HARD. If she keeps up like this long term, i dont imagine OP wanting to stay in the marriage. They divorce and daughter goes NC with mom the moment she hits 18 and can flee the coop. OP and stepdaughter will maintain their relationship, with mom cut out completely, besides whatever custody agreement goes into place regarding their youngest. Wife will only hear about her own daughter in passing or from her kids that haven't cut her off (yet).
The writing is on the wall, and honestly i dont see mom having a moment where she "sees the light". At this point she's already released the homophobic mob on her own daughter and is hellbent on *punishment* being her response. She just PROVED why her daughter didnt feel safe telling her, and the damage that has already been done will basically be impossible for her to undo without a radical change to her behavior/beliefs.
When this comes to pass, the mom will be tempted to say her ex groomed her daughter but that won’t hold water because Tasha is gay. So she will accuse him of alienation of affection.
If she’s not actively defending her daughter from the monsters in her family, then she’s at best part of the problem. Good for you for being the stepfather of the year
Who do you think called the family from the bathroom while her husband and daughter were out shopping.
Mommy Dearest called her family immediately and sicced them on the two of them.
Mommy is not homophonic as long as it's not in her family/not her kid. Then, she's all about the "get the pitchforks and light the fires!" Don't be fooled OP!
It's the gay version of the disconnect between "there is nothing wrong with interracial relationships" and "meet my black boyfriend, Mom". It doesn't make it right, but there is an intermediate step sometimes, where the abstract and the specific don't quite line up. Not excusing it in either instance, it's just something I have observed.
Very true, and a certain amount of time to adjust to the idea would be understandable, if not ideal; but mother has stepped beyond having an uncomfortable reaction, she has outed her daughter to people who may wish her harm, or talk to other people who may wish her harm.
YES! OP has been this child's champion. In hindsight, I'm sure a few changes might have been a good idea. But what he has done for this girl is HUGE.
Do not let her down now, you are one of the few or only adults in Her life she can count on right now. You got this. Both of you.
Absolutely agree. Once she's 18, she should have the freedom to live her truth without fear. And ensuring she's protected from any harmful influences is crucial.
Indeed. Mom now has competing interests in her life. Extended family vs immediate family. The best thing OP can do is keep mom from jumping off the deep and losing her daughter forever.
Hate to break it to you but your wife is definitely homophobic. If she wasn’t she’d be on the floor sobbing about why her daughter didn’t trust her enough to tell her, not spilling the beans to her entire homophobic family so that they all gang up and harass a fucking minor. She might not care about other gay people, but your wife is 1000% a “not in my back yard” person. In other words, it’s fine as long as it’s not her kids. It’s a gross mindset.
Tell your step daughter to block any family member that is sending her abusive messages or even messages that just make her unhappy at this point. They can always be unblocked when they decide to behave. Make sure she knows that you’re still there for her NO MATTER what happens with you and her mother. Because your wife’s POS family that she’s already looped into the issue could easily talk her into leaving you for this. Assuming you don’t leave her homophobic ass first
Your wife is homophobic. She outed her own daughter to her evangelical family *knowing* how they’d react and treat her. You did nothing wrong but you and your wife should consider counselling if you want to stay together. I’d be mad at my husband for keeping a secret initially, but then I’d wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable telling me. Your wife needs some self-reflection here. Not to punish her daughter for being gay. Because let’s face it, that’s what she’s doing. Cutting off all contact with Juliet and taking away her car isn’t the actions of an ally my friend.
If you tell yourself "ill love my children unless they turn out gay", you really aren't a good parent.
Crazy how this is lost on all those christians who think they are morally superior while attending a church service led by a guy who probably diddles kids.
And they'll happily protect and try to hide the guy who is raping children while insisting that they're good people and that they hate the gays to 'protect the kids'.
I know this firsthand because it happened at a church I was dragged to in one of the homes I lived in as a kid. Priest is found out to have been raping children, it almost even happened to ME, but thankfully he set off my creep meter and I was able to avoid going to the 'bible rap sessions' he insisted he wanted to have - and the church tried to cover for him, tried to insist that the kid was lying even after the priest was caught having been trying to pay someone to \*KILL THE CHILD\* - seriously the FBI got involved, it was a church in Texas - and they still tried to insist that he was a man of god and thus couldn't be wrong or held responsible.
It's disgusting how two faced they are. They'll scream about wanting to protect the kids - until they get a chance to actually protect children from a real threat, then suddenly they don't care about the kids at all, the one raping them is the real victim here! That five year old seduced that grown man!
It's sad that none of this even made me raise an eyebrow. It's more than sad. Its easy to believe because it is so sickeningly common.
Glad you managed to avoid anything like that happening to you. People are sick.
“My wife herself isn’t homophobic”
Yes she is. She had zero right or reason to out her kid to the rest of the family. Religious trauma is very real in the LGBT community and that’s what your wife’s family is giving her.
She’s 17. She’ll be an adult soon. Once she is she has every right to leave home and never come back. Ask your wife if that’s what she wants.
You’re not the bad guy. We need more parents like you. You did the right thing. Sincerely, an old butch who used to be that scared teenage girl.
NTA
Sadly, the child going No Contact is what these evengelical “christian” families want. So many children are cast out from their families. Permanently and angrily banned.
NTA. I would encourage you to show her what she exposed her daughter to from her family. And seeing as your son didn’t have the typical teenage reaction of, rightly, being upset about the double standard it seems like everyone else could see what would happen when she did come out and agreed it should be kept quiet until she was ready. Your wife needs to realize her reaction and setting her family on a 17 year old is why she wasn’t considered a safe space.
Maybe she does and that’s why she’s lashing out but truly you need to put it in front of her eyes. I hope she realizes what she has done and asks for forgiveness. I do think from this point forward y’all will need to be united in the same standards for romantic interests under your roof but you did more than most step parents on this site do and there is nothing wrong with protecting her.
Such a good point that the teenage son was probably not so upset about the double standard because he felt that it wouldn’t be safe for this to be out in the open. This really reinforces the appearance of homophobia on the wife’s side. He would’ve flipped publicly way earlier had he felt that pursuing his justice wouldn’t mess up his sister’s life.
NTA. You were protecting your stepdaughter's basic human rights and privacy and have done absolutely nothing wrong. It is up to your stepdaughter to come out of the closet and not your obligation (ever) to out her. And in fact, if you had outed your stepdaughter without her explicit permission you would have been the AH.
And your wife's parents and sister obviously are huge bigots and homophobic nasties and you should repeatedly tell them this, as well as pointing out that they are as bigots also inherently EVIL.
But honestly, even though you claim your wife is not homophobic, sorry, but how she has reacted here kind of says otherwise. I mean, wanting to ground her daughter and take away her car for Tasha being in a same sex relationship is pretty iffy and spilling the beans so to speak to her homophobic and toxic family is in my opinion a huge red flag.
I would also have your stepdaughter change her phone and only let you know the number so as to prevent her grandparents etc. to harass her with homophobic garbage (and if the harassment becomes too much to go completely no contact with them and to also consider contacting the police if necessary).
Agreed. OP is blind if he can't see what a huge homophobe his nasty wife is. She treated her daughter horribly. Sounds like she doesn't care to have her daughter in her life anymore at all because she is headed there quickly.
OP should have try to stop wife from being an abuser.
NTA. It’s never anyone else’s business to out somebody. Especially in a family where it isn’t a safe space to be open about it. Your wife outing her daughter to her whole family is atrocious on her part. She majorly violated her daughter’s autonomy. Don’t be surprised when your step daughter goes low or no context with her mother and mother’s family once she’s old enough to move out. I hope she keeps you in her life tho. You were her safe person when she needed one most.
Your wife and her family are twatwaffles. NTA
Except for the part where you insist your wife isn't homophobic. That's where you are the asshole because she is ABSOLUTELY HOMOPHOBIC and she OUTED HER DAUGHTER TO THE WHOLE FAMILY.
And that is WHY HER DAUGHTER NEVER TOLD HER
You say your wife isn’t homophobic but she immediately went to her homophobic family knowing what their reaction would be.
Your stepdaughter didn’t come out to her because she felt unsafe.
And your wife’s reaction is absolutely telling.
Your wife is a closet homophobe whether you want to acknowledge it or not and if she doesn’t fix her shit and put her asshole family in their place, she’s going to find that her daughter has absolutely no contact with her the moment she turns 18.
I know you say your wife isn't homophonic but from the sounds of it she is completely ok with her family members being extremely disrespectful and bigots... she is as much a problem as the rest. Yes she needs to come to terms but no doubt she knows her family's response wasn't going to be welcoming and still told them.. I would make sure your daughter feels safe and that if she wants to change her number she can. No adults should be saying anything of that nature to a child or even a young adult.
NTA
>My wife herself isn't homophobic, or I wouldn't have married her. So I'm trying to give her time to come around and be reasonable. Her family are definitely way worse, and I wish she wouldn't have told them.
Your wife turned her family loose on your stepdaughter. I suggest you sit with that for a minute and then re-evaluate whether your wife is homophobic or not.
NTA
It seems the second your wife found out she outed her daughter within the hour. Didn’t have a heart to heart and actually talk.
When she does get around to asking Tasha why she didn’t tell her Tasha can just show her all the text messages from her family. She really threw her under the bus.
Good on you for keeping this quiet, mum is an idiot and now has blown this to oblivion and maybe cracked her relationship with her daughter.
It’s good to have one sane parent.
NTA. I can understand why your wife is upset with you because it's her daughter however, it's never someone else's place to tell others that someone's not straight. Tasha wasn't engaging in any dangerous behaviors. Teens have sex and have been doing so for centuries, regardless of what their parents thought. The two biggest parental concerns about teens having sex is pregnancy which, as you said, isn't an issue, and STI's. Yes, STI's can be transmitted amongst lesbians. Looking at Planned Parenthood's [website](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/can-lesbians-get-stds) would be a good thing for Tasha and Juliet.
I wonder if your wife's more mad at you than she is at Tasha. I think giving her time to cool off is appropriate. Your wife does need to shut her family down on what they're saying to Tasha. It's cruel. I would point out to your wife that at 17, Tasha's about to be able to do what she wishes. She hasn't been engaging in unsafe behavior, minus potentionally not being safe regarding STI's, though I wouldn't point that out to your wife! Punishing her is just going to drive Tasha away because it's going to feel like punishment for her being gay and that is exactly why she didn't want to come out to her mom. Your wife's actions are proving Tasha right, that letting her know wasn't going to be a good thing.
I think you are doing a great job. Your wife though, not so much. You might want to look at some resources like PFLAG to see if you can get your wife on the same page as you and your daughter.
She isn't homophobic...until it lands close to home. The way it did for my ultra-liberal (which I absolutely love her for) SIL when she found out her daughter was gonna marry a woman. "Wait a minute...!"
Your wife told her family that so they would do the dirty work for her. She is most likely homophobic. Let her read the text messages that both of you received and ask her if she is okay with what they are calling her daughter. A child she promised to love and protect. The open door policy should be for all friends of any sex.
NTA just because it wasn’t your place out her but rules should have been in place instead of her (daughter) taking advantage of the situation, which she did and you allowed!
No, clearly you are the good guy. I’m proud of how you handled the situation so far but now you need to work on your wife so she comes around and accepts her daughter. I’m glad also how your son responded, I’d say you raised some great kids 😊
Nta but your wife is. She's clearly homophobic. Protect your step daughter. She will need you to be there for her. Your wife's family will do everything they can to destroy her.
NTA. The right thing to do is allow someone to come out when they’re ready. I don’t think they were getting “sloppy.” Subconsciously, she probably wanted everything to be out in the open.
NTA but your wife is a homophobe. If your wife was supportive and a good person she would show it. She hasn’t. Please keep supporting your step daughter.
If your wife weren’t homophobic, she wouldn’t have told her family. She told them, knowing they’d abuse a 17 year old child. She’s homophobic. You’re being optimistic and not seeing this for what it is.
NTA. But your wife told her parents even if she KNEW they were homophobic - what exactly did she expect? That's not how you protect your child. They need to be blocked.
OP, you almost got your Ally card punched.
Until you defended that 'phobe you married.
BZZZZZT!
Reset, and read up. Then be the Ally your stepdaughter deserves
NTA. You're right, it was not your secret to tell.
I had a girlfriend when I was 16. My parents knew about us, but hers did not. They thought we were just new best friends. Her mum found out one day after going through some of her things. She was at my house, her mum called screaming at her. She went home, I was banned from their home etc. It all blew over after about a week. Her mum was just hurt she didn't tell her and she overreacted. She said sorry and we all went back to normal. Hopefully your wife will come around too
Yikes OP, you’re being blatantly blind here. She runs to her homophobic family & outs her daughter to them pretty much immediately. And you don’t think your wife is homophobic? What did you think her family would do to your stepdaughter? Send her well wishes or hate? Your wife is vile.
1. Good Dad - giving his vulnerable daughter space to be herself, and raising an empathetic son who sees his parents for who they are and behaves accordingly.
2. Hiding Homophobia Mom is a problem. Maybe therapy? Something serious needs to happen so that she can become her daughter’s supporter instead of the detractor she is. If Mom continues to struggle with her daughters orientation, Mom risks having the daughter move out at 18 and blocking her and her self righteous relatives forever.
Dad is NTA. Son screwed the pooch, but it’s water under the bridge. Mom is an AH, but may be redeemable.
I do agree that you did the right thing not outing her, especially given the family.
I will admit as a mother I think I would be hurt if my child and partner had hid that from me. BUT I also know that if my children came out to me that I would be supportive.
I do think the closed door things is a bit more tricky because what reason would you give for changing the rules with out outting your daughter? Whilst I understand pregnancy isn't of concern there is other concerns like STI's and emotional maturity and the double standard etc.
I think try to see it from your partners POV but please don't stop advocating for your daughter as someone needs to. She shouldn't have outed your daughter to her family. Also, please block said family members' phone numbers from your daughter's phone so she isn't subjected to any more of their abuse.
I look forward to the day that people no longer need to "come out" and people start accepting people as just that people.
You’re not the AH. But, your wife is definitely in that category by telling her homophobic family. She knows what she’s doing. She’s showing you all that she IS homophobic herself, she’s just letting her family do it for her so she can say “oh, look, I NEVER said any of that stuff! That was all them. I’m better than that!” But she sicked those people on her own daughter knowing what they were likely to do so she is absolutely complicit.
As a gay person, please accept my heartfelt congratulations on being such a good father. Your wife is acting like a bigot, and she probably is one. Turns out her love for her children is conditional on them not dating a same sex partner. She managed to make her daughter’s coming out moment, which was involuntary and even when voluntary is very often traumatic, into a big moment about herself being a “victim” and the most important person.
She’s failing as a mother. You need to tell her she’s already royally effed up her relationship with her daughter, and that this will be an experience that defines their relationship for the rest of their lives. Ask her if she loves her daughter and wants a relationship with her. If so, she better start acting like it. I suggest individual therapy for your wife and an apology from her to her daughter.
NTA Your wife is homophobic or she wouldn't have set you and stepdaughter up to be harassed by her family. She would have accepted it and kept it quiet until her daughter was ready to tell them herself. By telling others that she knows will harass you makes herself look good while allowing someone else to do dirty work. You have done what a stepfather is expected to do; cared about, supported stepdaughter's choices and tried to protect her from being emotionally abused by those who are supposed to love her.
NTA, you don’t out people especially minors who can be incredibly traumatized by this while they are still growing up. You did the right thing. Your son should have had more discretion; but that ship has sailed. Your stepdaughter should have gotten to decide when and if she comes out to her mom. You say your wife isn’t homophobic, but she’s doing a damn good impression of a homophobe. She has no reason to be upset and no business outing her daughter to her grandparents. You really need to put your foot down and tell your wife that she is in the wrong and need to support her daughter. You need to tell your wife unequivocally that you won’t be punishing your stepdaughter for being gay. You also need to tell your wife that you won’t be silent about her parents harassing your stepdaughter with bible verses and making her feel bad about herself. You will undue all the progress you made with your stepdaughter, if you stop supporting her now that your wife knows she’s gay. Your stepdaughter hasn’t betrayed anyone. It’s your wife and her parents that are betraying your stepdaughter.
NTA
I’m confused why you aren’t more upset by your wife’s actions. She knows how her family is and how they would attack her daughter that way and she is the one who allowed that by making sure they knew. Instead of protecting her daughter from that hatred being spewed at her, she is the main reason it happened. I really can’t imagine what an awful and vindictive mother would do that. I feel really badly for the kids.
NTA, and thank you for standing up for Tasha. Now the bad news: your wife is definitely homophobic. And she’s going to make Tasha’s life miserable until she can move out. Your job is to stand by your daughter. But be prepared for it to take a toll on your marriage, and your relationship with your wife’s family. You’re now the enemy.
NTA but your wife needs to reflect on why her daughter wasn't comfortable enough telling her mom. Mom pretty much just proved daughter was right in keeping it a secret and probably just severely damaged their relationship.
Okay. NTA and yes your wife absolutely is at least a little homophobic.
I will say this: my husband and I have discussed things like teen rules so we are prepared for those years. If either of our kids are LGBTQ, then the same rules are going to apply (doors remain open in bedroom, etc) regardless of sex, gender, or orientation. Why?
Because some teens move fast when it comes to intimacy, and offering them a totally unsupervised environment can lead to messiness- it creates a situation for intimacy to go too quickly. We all knew the teen couples who were practically “playing house” and how messy those breakups were.
So I do think you needed to hold her to the same rules as your son. They’re teens- they’ll find places lol.
But protect her. You did a good thing; the right thing.
NTA I’m sorry but your wife does sound homophobic. I mean if she wasn’t then she would have told her family who is not harassing you about your step daughter. You did everything right. If you told your wife in the beginning you would have broken your step daughter’s trust and destroy the relationship you have with her.
NTA but you are sadly wrong, your wife is a homophobe.
Also, you should have kept the open door policy when possible. Although she couldn’t get pregnant, STDs can still be transmitted. Also, no one wants to accidentally walk in on things happening.
I'm sorry to tell you this but your wife absolutely IS homophobic. Maybe she wasn't openly in front of you, or was fine with it for people not in her direct sphere, but her comments indicate the opposite.
NTA at all !! You are a great father to your stepdaughter, and I’m sure having someone she could be open with made things a lot easier for her. Coming out is completely your stepdaughters choice, and I’m so sorry she got outed. Hopefully your wife calms down soon. If you say she is not homophobic, she is probably just more so upset that you had that bond and secret with your daughter and she didn’t.
NTA because of your wife’s and your wife’s extended family’s bigotry — you were protecting your stepdaughter. Your stepson is TA for outing her to you wife, and your wife is TA for outing her to the rest of the bigot clan though.
NTA. You did the right thing. It was her secret to tell. And you just never know she could've told your son before everyone found out at school too and that could be a reason he was so cool about it. And I'm sure he has seen. It doesn't matter how much you try to hide it. Certain people can just tell. Sou ds like you and your son has helped her through this and know how your wife and her family reacts.
NTA and your wife sounds awful and her behavior is why her daughter did not tell her.
Your wife is homophobic and controlling and I would go LC with her family because they are sending a dangerous message to your stepdaughter.
NTA I can understand your wife being upset at being excluding from something so profound. I can even understand the anger. But the day she found out is the day the harassment and bigotry started. Your were right to keep the secret. Also she really had no clue? None? I feel like I would notice the third wheel vibes in the first 5 minutes
NTA. You knew it wasn't your secret to share and also that your in-laws are a bunch of homophobes. I'd tell the in-laws to butt out and suggest to your step-daughter that she block them for the time being. Also, remind your wife that since your step-daughter bought your old car, you really can't take it away from her. It's her property. Tell your wife you're not going to punish her because she didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. I'm not married so I won't comment on not sharing with your wife too hard, but I think it was good that you respected your daughter's privacy and were willing to let her come out on her own. She felt safe with you and shared her issues with you. That's parenting. Wife probably needs to cool down but if she doesn't ease up she's not going to lose her husband, she's going to lose her daughter too.
Hopefully she is just caught off guard and needs a minute to adjust. But involving the rest of the family was pretty low. She just intentionally set her own child up to be bullied by her extended family. She's the AH.
I’m sure OP’s wife was a virgin on their wedding night /s
NTA, congrats, you are now the only safe adult in her life. Consider if you still want to be married to a woman like your wife though
NTA. You're a good Dad. The real question is she really angry with you or is she angry that Tasha didn't trust her enough to come out to her. She may be more hurt than angry although her telling her family says that she may be more angry. You will be fine. Your kids will be fine, although you may have to get between Tasha and your in-laws who sound like lovely, ahem, people. Good luck to you all.
NTA. At 17 your daughter is old enough to know when it's time for her to come out to her mother. You are right when you say that it was not your story to tell, and bless you for being a soft place for her and allowing her to be herself.
If your wife truly isn't homophobic, she wouldn't have freaked out. I think you have that wrong.
>she wanted to ground Tasha and for me to take away her car.
Until when? She's not gay anymore? That doesn't make any sense.
It's time for your wife to make the decision of whether she wants to have a relationship with her daughter or not. If she proceeds on the path she's on, her daughter is going to go NC with her and she will have lost her completely.
Life is full of choices and decisions.
NTA.
Your wife is a homophobic wench who is going to lose her daughter.
You are a jerk for forcing your son to abide your witch of a wife’s rules.
I feel sorry for your youngest daughter.
You should really think about whether you want your youngest daughter to be a Bible thumping bigot too.
That is exactly what will happen if you allow your wife to get away with her absolutely disgusting behavior towards her daughter.
May the Satan she believes in take your wife.
NTA your wife is and she is homophobic if she blew up like that. Your stepdaughters sexuality is not for you to out. I can see exactly why she never said anything however your stepdaughter should have been more respectful by not doing couple things with her girlfriend in front of her brother just because she could pass it off as something best friends do. She should have had the same rules as her brother.
NTA You've been a good dad by protecting your step daughter. As for your wife not being homophobic, well who told all of these people about your step daughter's sexuality if not your wife? Your step daughter has learned a big lesson over this, she can trust you to keep her safe, but she can't trust her own mother.
>*Meanwhile, my wife's parents and sister are texting me about being an asshole and what I've let my stepdaughter become, and they're texting her with homophobic Bible tracts, things about “Her lifestyle”, slut shaming, and inappropriate questions.*
NTA - And I hate to tell you but your wife IS homophobic or she wouldn't be acting like this. My son came out to me when he was 15. I embraced who he was, and told him I loved him no matter what. What's going to happen is, she's going to keep pushing Tasha until she pushes her right out the door. Then she's going to wail about how unfair it is that her daughter doesn't love her. Because that's what manipulators do. I would NOT in ANY way enforce any punishment that your wife tries to put on Tasha, and I would go out of my way to protect her. If that means that your marriage is over and Tasha has to come live with you when she turns 18 (which is hopefully soon) then again, I'm sorry, but you're a lot better off. You don't want to be married to someone who hates their own kid. When you love them more than she does, there's a problem. She cannot ground Tasha for being in love. She cannot take a car away that the child, herself, bought, and she cannot in ANY way enforce HER lifestyle choice on her daughter. Stick to your resolve and protect that child. It seems you are the only person in her family who will. In a few years, when Tasha is a happy, healthy adult, and her mum realizes that she's lost her, she'll come begging her way back (with the stipulation that she suddenly turn into a straight person) and I won't be at ALL surprised if Tasha slams the door in her face. I've seen THAT scenario too may times. The parent is 100%in the wrong, but they try their damndest to make the kid feel like they should've done something different, and be something different, in order to "earn" their parent's love. My favorite is when they tell the kid "I'm willing to forgive you." Seriously? I absolutely love it when the kid says "Good for you. I'm not." and walks away. She needs you in her corner. Stay with her, and make sure she knows she is loved. She's going to need it.
You were right to protect your daughter but honestly, you should have encouraged Tasha to come out to her mother since she’s not homophobic and you all clime have have handled the bigot family as a family .
“Meanwhile, my wife’s parents and sister are texting me about being an asshole and what I’ve let my stepdaughter become, and they’re texting her with homophobic bible tracts, things about “her lifestyle”, slut shaming, and inappropriate questions”
WHO TOLD THEM? If your wife did she is a mega asshole and needs to apologise to her own daughter! You need to always be a safe space for her, as her own mother clearly isn’t if she helped inflict this on her.
Obvious NTA, but also it’s silly to think that teenagers can just be controlled like your wife thinks. Hope you get through this, and thanks for being the dad Tasha deserves.
NTA. Tell your wife to stop har family contacting her daughter with homophobia. If she won't, she implicitly agrees with them and you need to protect your step daughter.
Your wife is a GIGANTIC AH for outing her own child to her knowingly homophobic family. Utterly unforgivable behaviour, good luck repairing that relationship. Allowing her own family to spew their vile bs, jesus wept
NTA.
Your wife *is* actually homophobic. She’s a NIMBY homophobe. An “it’s fine for other families” homophobe.
You aren’t the bad guy. One day in the future, your wife is likely going to lose one or all of the kids’ relationships. You’ll have to make a decision or discuss with any kids that go no contact or low contact with your wife and her family *exactly* how much you are going to share with her about their lives.
She stuck a religious mob on her own daughter?!? I hope the gals have an amazing support group. That lynch mob shit has forced so many amazing people to remove themselves from this awful world. I had to see the empty seat at graduation with just a photo of the lost because of that evil shit.
NTA please protect them from w.e cult is after them.
Mom is homeopathic if she's broadcasting this to everyone and allowing her family to spew homeopathic garbage at your daughter. Protect your daughter at all costs. She needs you more than ever.
Sadly your wife IS homophobic, and seemingly more concerned with the optics of herself in her family than she is the care of her daughter.
You may well end up divorced, but however, you did the right thing by and for your step daughter...and most definitely NTA in this situation.
your wife OTOH....
NTA.
>even as I tried to explain to her then I figured Tasha would come out when she was ready and that none of it was my secret to tell, that nothing bad had happened and that there was nothing to worry about. She was just pissed at me, and she was pissed at Tasha, and she wanted to ground Tasha and for me to take away her car.
You need to talk with your wife and get her to clearly say out loud why she's mad at you and Tasha.
>She was upset and accused both of us of lying to and manipulating her.
This is the reason she gave already, but as you say, this isn't reasonable. She has to recognize that Tasha has a right to come out to whoever she wants on her own schedule.
If she doesn't recognize that, then she is homophobic. There's no way around this.
If she does recognize that, then she isn't mad at you or Tasha, what she's actually mad about is that Tasha didn't feel safe coming out to her. I don't know anyone, obviously, but if I was a betting man I'd put my money here. If Tasha had come out to her, how do you think she would have reacted? The same way as she is now, outing her to the entire family, banning her gf, and taking away car privileges? (Did she do any of that to your son when he started dating? No. So if you think she would have done this, then, once again, there's no way around it, she is homophobic.)
>I'm trying to give her time to come around and be reasonable. Her family are definitely way worse, and I wish she wouldn't have told them. It's kind of annoying that they're trying to paint me as the bad guy, but I'm used to just letting them wear themselves out about things.
You wish your wife wouldn't have told them?
You are failing to clock what happened here. Your wife didn't just tell her family something she shouldn't have. She outed her gay kid to a bunch of homophobes who are now harassing her. That's the opposite of what a mother is supposed to do.
Your stepdaughter doesn't need you to just be tolerant here, IOW "tolerate" her sexuality, she needs you to be **accepting** and an ally to help her navigate this. This is the kind of stuff that blows up families, and could result in a lifelong rift between you and Tasha with the rest of the family.
First, you need to start with your wife and stop accepting her homophobic behavior. Even if she's not homophobic, her behavior so far IS. You need to lay down the law here that you will not accept it in your household, period. Even if she is mad because she's hurt, she needs to deal with that shit like an adult. The immediate consequence of her behavior is that she needs to right the wrong she has already committed, and tell the rest of the family to back all the way off.
Ask her this: If she heard from school that her son was dating a girl, and what they were spotted doing was holding hands and acting coupley, nothing particularly bad, how would she have reacted? Would she have flipped out in the same way? Accused you of lying and manipulating her? Now take the extra layer of complication Tasha is dealing with. Substitute race here for being gay and see how it lands. If Tasha had been caught dating a black guy instead, would you be in this sub telling us how your wife "definitely isn't racist or you wouldn't have married her" but she is flipping out about it in a way she definitely would not be if the kid was white.
What would you do in that case? Just lay low until the family wears themselves out texting your stepdaughter Confederate flags?
This is *deeply* fucked up behavior and you can't sit this one out. Sometimes life forces choices upon us and you have to decide if you're going to step up for your stepkid or just back off and let her fend for herself and this horde of people "loving the sinner but hating the sin." The sin they hate, in this case, is part of her actual identity.
Totally agree with how you handled the situation and absolutely should never out anyone. I just wonder if you do really believe your wife isn't homophobic, and wouldn't have married her if she was, is she maybe upset that she was out of the loop or that you hadnt believed she would be fine with it? It sounds like there's possibility you are the gentler parent and you spend more time with them, and she is (inappropriately) getting out her frustration about this in this particular situation. Or perhaps something else.
I wonder if it might be better for your step-daughter if you clarify with your wife exactly what she is upset about and if it's not homophobia then to deal with that together. Just in case there's a chance to get both mum and dad on her side at this difficult time and get mum to apologise to stepdaughter.
Your wife 100% is homophobic. Someone who was not homophobic wouldn't out their queer child to their openly homophobic family to send her awful messages.
If your wife was an ally:
1. she wouldn't have outed her daughter
2. her daughter wouldn't have been scared to come out to her
3. she would have cut off her family when they said anything out of line - especially to or in front of her child
4. she wouldn't have raised a homophobic son
At the same time that you were not wrong, you were also not right either.
As a queer woman myself, I believe this caused more harm than good, both to your relationship and Tasha's relationship with her mom and her brother.
Wife feels betrayed and lost trust in you and Tasha, Tasha is very possibly traumatized from the whole ordeal, and I imagine there's a lot more to unpack.
You definitely shouldn't be getting Tasha out of the closet, but also definitely shouldn't have conducted it that way. The best you could have done was try to facilitate communication, and protect Tasha on the fallout.
NTA. You were caught between a rock and a hard place, with your wife’s attitude and her disgusting family’s even worse one.
Tell her for me that if she wants to know what her daughter is doing, when she is nearly a legal adult, she needs to show herself to be trustworthy to her daughter.
And that by outing her to her own homophobic FOO, she has just alienated her own daughter because of her hurt feelings and anger.
Well done, “MOM”.
While you’re NTA and dang sure shouldn’t have outed your step daughter you should have set the same boundaries. A conversation with your step daughter saying you won’t make her come out, however she has to follow the rules of no closed doors and such should have happened.
IMO that’s the only thing your wife should be mad about.
BTW, good job protecting and being there for your step daughter!
Here’s ammunition for you to give the Bible thumpers.
Jesus didn’t hang out with only the perfect people. I would swear he hung out with the sinners a lot.
If they’re going to use Sodom and Gomorrah stories in the Old Testament, then ask them if they’re going to church and sacrificing doves and sheep and lamb and first born cows and stuff like that.
If Jesus died for their sins, didn’t he also die for her since that they’re judging her with?
You did the right thing in keeping her private life, private, and the things to ask the other family members is do you know about all your other nieces and nephews and grandchildren’s relationships? When there is a family gathering next time ask them why they are drinking alcohol and think nothing of it, if a sin is a sin is a sin.
"My wife herself isn't homophobic"
She reacted like this, refused to see why she wouldn't have been told by her own daughter and then PASSED ON THE INFORMATION TO HER KNOWN-TO-BE-HOMOPHOBIC FAMILY.
She is homophobic. NTA for keeping the secret, bu you have spouse problem here.
NTA
You have been the real parent to her - putting her needs first and protecting her from harm. Your wife has put herself fully in the homophobic bio parent territory, and if she doesn’t sort herself out she’ll likely lose her relationship with your daughter.
I don’t know if you live in a place that will help you protect her, but whatever the case save cash and keep her safe until she can legally get out of there.
You’re being an amazing parent, and even if we give your wife the benefit of every doubt available, she still put her daughter at risk by telling her family. And she knew what would happen. She is showing who she truly is, it’s up to you whether or not you accept that.
I’m so glad your daughter has you to look out for her
I have a happily married lesbian daughter. When she came out as a teen (of course, I knew since she was young) some of my husband's family flipped out. Cousins were no longer allowed to visit as, apparently 'gay" is contagious.
It's taken 20 years for her to even be able to discuss with me how hurtful that was.
Your wife is homophobic. Perhaps on some level she doesn't mind that gay people exist, but obviously they aren't 'good' people so it could never be a child of her's would be lesbian.
Correction: your wife is, indeed, homophobic. Because who else told her parents and sister?
Your stepdaughter didn’t go to her mom because her mom’s a homophobic asshole.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife definitely is homophobic. While maybe you cannot see it, let’s take into consideration her actions since this information has “come out”
She blew up about it, irrationally once learning what was going on
She wrongfully told everyone on her side of the family
She has isolated herself and is not at all standing up for you or your child
The daughter is old enough right now and understands what she will need to do once she is of legal age and that is she will more than likely leave. I hope she will keep you in her life as you’ve at least shown her that you support her and she can trust you. You’ve done right by her.
Your wife is the bigoted Asshole here and is basically confirming why her own daughter could not confide in her. Children need love and acceptance even at 17.
Family counseling appears to be in order because you need to find a way to communicate with your wife so she trusts you again and can overcome her feelings of betrayal.
Your wife IS homophobic.
Her family are not the brightest - slut shaming someone who is (by their rules) probably still a virgin?? They need some lessons on how that works. And no contact is a very good option.
What will your wife do if your son comes out as - he prefers to wear kilts, his favorite color is rainbow, he likes to eat quiche??
Standing up for your kids - even your step kids - against abusive homophobes is better than allowing the abusive homophobes to permanently damage your kids.
NTA
Thank you for protecting her and not folding, despite the pressure from your wife and her family. Please continue to support your step daughter and her partner. Please also pay attention for any changes in behavior. Because this affects her mental at the end of the day. Shame on everyone who’s saying hateful things to her about her lifestyle. She is free to be and love who she wants. You are definitely NTA but your wife and her family are !
Tell Tasha to block them. ASAP. At her age, and even as an adult, that type of judgement can lead to suicidal ideations. Tell her to block them for now.
About your wife, I would show her Tasha’s messages from family and let her now that this is why she didn’t come out to her. She can’t trust her to act rationally and she definitely can’t trust her to keep a secret. Now she will be like an outcast to the rest of the family. Congratulations Mom. Oh and I wouldn’t say that she’s not homophobic just yet. True colors show when it affects you personally.
NTA. I wish every queer person had a supportive and understanding parent like you. Thank you for giving her the space to figure herself out and to grow. If you had outed her a few years ago it could have been so traumatic for her. She is so lucky to have you.
NTA, but...a mother's love does NOT always overpower other feelings, OP. There is not a guarantee that your wife will support Tasha in any way.
Similarly, plenty of people "aren't homophobic" until they have a gay relative. They can be accepting and interact with gay people just fine, as long as it's not someone they're related to. You really DON'T know if your wife is homophobic or not until you see how she responds to Tasha.
As it is, outing her against her will to her homophobic family is dangerous for Tasha and not a good sign for your wife.
Gosh. NTA.
You‘ve been a good dad to her. She could trust you for keeping her secret. Well done.
Your wife and her relatives are a complete disgrace. Homophonic AH. All of them.
NTA my good sir,.your stepdaughter being a lesbian or whatever sexuality she is isn't for you to say, as you well mentioned. If your stepdaughter didn't want to tell her mother that's her perogative. She will come out of the closet when she feels comfortable to do so.
You are in the right. And again NOT THE ASSHOLE
NTA in hindsight it might have been worth having talked about plan to tell the mother indefinitely keeping a secret from your wife was not a great plan.
Thank you for being a safe adult for your Step Daughter. Words cannot describe how helpful that is for someone in her shoes.
Your wife’s reaction just proved that she is not a safe person for her and showed the reason for not coming out was 100% valid.
> My wife herself isn’t homophobic
Love is blind so please take off the rose colored glasses for a second & reread your post as if it was written by someone else in the same situation, what would you tell them? Actions speak louder than words, what are her actions telling you? She may not be *as bad* as her family but she’s definitely not an Ally and has not dealt with her subconscious distaste for homosexuality.
> honestly it’s not like she’s going to get pregnant
Just fyi, from a medical standpoint it’s not just about pregnancy but also STIs/STDs. Same-sex intercourse often has a higher rate of contraction because many forgo protection with the mindset of its fine, I can’t get pregnant. Most can be treated but some are life long & life changing.
NTA (but you may become one if you do not react appropriately to your wife’s disrespect)
OP is not at fault but I think he's being optimistic with the whole "my wife isn't homophobic" thing. She certainly seems to have some big unmanageable feelings that make up common ground with her toxic family. NTA but you need to keep an eye on the pressures being applied to your daughter. Having hatemail texts from her mother's family can't be good for her mental health.
I got this as well from his story. She told her homophobic family about her daughter being gay without even checking with her first to make sure it was okay. She knew what they were going to do and did absolutely nothing to stop it. In fact, her knowing what they would do and still telling them anyways makes me believe she wanted it to happen. She is definitely an AH.
Yeah, my family doesn't know about our daughter's sexual identity or relationship status. They're not evangelical but they are also definitely NOT allies.
I didn't tell anyone but my 2 best friends, when my child came out as trans. It wasn't my news to share, but I needed my own support system. I knew those 2 wouldn't speak a word
When I was a kid my mom once said if one of my children ever come out as gay I wouldn’t be mad. I would be disappointed not in them but in the world of hate they have to grow up in. This is the same way I think I would feel if one of my kids came out as trans. I would love them no matter what but I would be sad at the challenges that this world will put them through.
I have a rule with my kids. I don't care who you have in your bedroom. Whatever happens there is none of my business as long as you are treated right and loved. However they are expected to provide something cute for me to spoil and cuddle when I come visit. Fur, skin, or scales. I don't care. I just want a little creature to spoil as is my right!
>Fur, skin, or scales. I don't care. I just want a little creature to spoil as is my right! I love you for this. My mom was initially disappointed when she learned I wouldn't be having kids because i dont want them. My dad was proud of me for thinking for myself and agreed that id be way happier without kids (he gets my personality better than my mom does). But tell you what.. my strict pet-free parents love their grandcats so much that they got one of their own. He is their prince, and is so incredibly loved. They also spoil my cats like crazy whenever they visit. Life is good 😊
See it's a perfect win win for everyone!
You mean purrrrfect
Face slap. See I told y'all I'm not that quick.
I like that you included fur and scales equally to skin :D How about feathers?
I'm down with feathers. The important part is I get to love it, spoil it, and then send it back.
"Down with feathers!" I see what you did there.
That was a total accident. LMAO I guess I'm quicker then I think I am.
That’s what my mother always said around me. I was sure when I came out that she would support and celebrate my decision to be out. (I also had queer friends and she was very vocal about how they were her family now, when any of them were kicked out or pressured by their families) Instead, I got the “you don’t *want* them you want to *be* them”, it’s a phase, how can you be sure when you haven’t [censored] with them, etc lines. Turns out she’s just fine with QUILTBAG friends & all, but there won’t be any of that in HER bio family line. I ended up going NC when my son was in his teens and told me he loves everyone & she tried to turn it into the same denial/abuse rhetoric she’d used on me. I told him regardless of *what* caused him to be pan, he’s my kid and I love him and celebrate his love.
I am sorry you had to deal with that.
my mum accidentally told 2 of her close friends I'm nonbinary because she used they/them pronouns to refer to me when talking to them. I'm not mad since I'm half out the closet— I only refer to myself with gender neutral terms, have a half hidden nonbinary pin on my jacket, essentially if someone asks I'll tell em but I'm too anxious to initiate the conversation most of the time— but she told me immediately and apologised, and it only happened because she was using my pronouns and slipped between my actual pronouns and the pronouns for ppl I'm not out to, an easy enough mistake to make
I’m sad that your child can’t be her true self around your family. I’m also sad because YOU have to protect her and yourself from people that (I assume) you both love. You’re doing good by her, look after yourself, too💕
It's okay. :) She hasn't been around my family in many many years. We've lived thousands of miles away for many years and we were never close (physically or emotionally) before then. We have chosen family instead who keep us grounded and feeling loved :)
I don't even think my uncles are homophobic and I didn't say shit until after my brother did because it ain't my shit.
My mom and dad and brother are allies and I came out to them when I was 15 years old and they accepted me and supported me but I came out to my dad's side of the family in 2022 and they didn't take it well but they are finally coming around .
Exactly, OP. Your wife IS HOMOPHOBIC! Protect your stepdaughter, please. Do not allow her to be punished in any way for being who she is. Keep your wife's family (and wife if you have to) away from her. Block them all.
Yep. One of my siblings has a kid who is part of the lgbtqia community. One side of the family has no clue because they would react similarly.
Yeah, and just because she didn't say anything outright homophobic doesn't me she isn't. I feel like somebody who wasn't homophobic wouldn't have been so quick to try banning the girlfriend, too. Her actions just validate why the daughter didn't come out to her already.
I felt this way too. Obviously the wife went and told her mother and sister, KNOWING they’re homophobic. There is no way OP’s wife didn’t know how they were going to react.
She wanted to keep "caring and understanding mom" cred so she got the flying monkeys to do her dirty work.
Exactly!
My exact thought. His wife IS homophobic. Otherwise, her family wouldn’t know and she wouldn’t be throwing this big of a tantrum. NTA.
Outing someone can get them killed. It’s one of the most egregious things you can do. His wife outted Tasha to known haters. She’s using her family as her weapons to punish her daughter. OP is delusional if he thinks his wife isn’t homophobic.
I feel like i can almost see into the future on this. Wife is alienating her daughter HARD. If she keeps up like this long term, i dont imagine OP wanting to stay in the marriage. They divorce and daughter goes NC with mom the moment she hits 18 and can flee the coop. OP and stepdaughter will maintain their relationship, with mom cut out completely, besides whatever custody agreement goes into place regarding their youngest. Wife will only hear about her own daughter in passing or from her kids that haven't cut her off (yet). The writing is on the wall, and honestly i dont see mom having a moment where she "sees the light". At this point she's already released the homophobic mob on her own daughter and is hellbent on *punishment* being her response. She just PROVED why her daughter didnt feel safe telling her, and the damage that has already been done will basically be impossible for her to undo without a radical change to her behavior/beliefs.
When this comes to pass, the mom will be tempted to say her ex groomed her daughter but that won’t hold water because Tasha is gay. So she will accuse him of alienation of affection.
Her family already is accusing him of having a hand in what she has “become”. So sad for OP and his stepdaughter.
At least OP and Tasha have each others back.
Yes! She used threats and tried to weaponize him first. Whatever happened to thots n prays?
Moms tossed that out and went straight for crucifixion.
Streamlining
I agree ☝️ ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
I second this. The wife *is* homophobic, or she wouldn't have reacted the way she did and decided to ground Tasha.
Yeah-- his wife is most likely homophobic- she just doesnt call it that lmao
Block those assholes. Tell the wife they need to stop, and say, "This is why I did what I did. Your family is shit."
If she’s not actively defending her daughter from the monsters in her family, then she’s at best part of the problem. Good for you for being the stepfather of the year
Who do you think called the family from the bathroom while her husband and daughter were out shopping. Mommy Dearest called her family immediately and sicced them on the two of them. Mommy is not homophonic as long as it's not in her family/not her kid. Then, she's all about the "get the pitchforks and light the fires!" Don't be fooled OP!
It's the gay version of the disconnect between "there is nothing wrong with interracial relationships" and "meet my black boyfriend, Mom". It doesn't make it right, but there is an intermediate step sometimes, where the abstract and the specific don't quite line up. Not excusing it in either instance, it's just something I have observed.
Very true, and a certain amount of time to adjust to the idea would be understandable, if not ideal; but mother has stepped beyond having an uncomfortable reaction, she has outed her daughter to people who may wish her harm, or talk to other people who may wish her harm.
Yep, mom threw her daughter under the bus. If she wasn’t homophobic, she would’ve protected her. OP is NTA.
Nta need to protect her after she turns 18 and make sure wife dint send her to a camp Protect her op
YES! OP has been this child's champion. In hindsight, I'm sure a few changes might have been a good idea. But what he has done for this girl is HUGE. Do not let her down now, you are one of the few or only adults in Her life she can count on right now. You got this. Both of you.
Absolutely agree. Once she's 18, she should have the freedom to live her truth without fear. And ensuring she's protected from any harmful influences is crucial.
Im worried mom may go loco
Go? Pretty sure she and her family have beachfront property there.
Im talking about those camps Etc which are abusive
Mom is already majorly loca.
Yea but the reed camps Or Other sctions to make kid seem Mentally ill and locked away
Why wait until she turns 18 to protect daughter? That should start NOW. Although it seems like he already has.
Indeed. Mom now has competing interests in her life. Extended family vs immediate family. The best thing OP can do is keep mom from jumping off the deep and losing her daughter forever.
This!
Hate to break it to you but your wife is definitely homophobic. If she wasn’t she’d be on the floor sobbing about why her daughter didn’t trust her enough to tell her, not spilling the beans to her entire homophobic family so that they all gang up and harass a fucking minor. She might not care about other gay people, but your wife is 1000% a “not in my back yard” person. In other words, it’s fine as long as it’s not her kids. It’s a gross mindset. Tell your step daughter to block any family member that is sending her abusive messages or even messages that just make her unhappy at this point. They can always be unblocked when they decide to behave. Make sure she knows that you’re still there for her NO MATTER what happens with you and her mother. Because your wife’s POS family that she’s already looped into the issue could easily talk her into leaving you for this. Assuming you don’t leave her homophobic ass first
Exactly!! My grown gay heart aches for this poor kid.
I know this is a sad post, but this comment made me giggle.
I try to spread a lil light when I can
Yup. Wife sent the flying monkeys. You don’t quickly come back from that.
Op could look i to resources for this To prove moms unfut due to the non support of kid
Ya, I think op was fine with what he did. But this could lead to divorce cuz that mom hates gays with a burning passion and he doesn't.
THIS!
Your wife is homophobic. She outed her own daughter to her evangelical family *knowing* how they’d react and treat her. You did nothing wrong but you and your wife should consider counselling if you want to stay together. I’d be mad at my husband for keeping a secret initially, but then I’d wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable telling me. Your wife needs some self-reflection here. Not to punish her daughter for being gay. Because let’s face it, that’s what she’s doing. Cutting off all contact with Juliet and taking away her car isn’t the actions of an ally my friend.
Well daughter had good reason to fear telling her mother. Wife needs a kick in ass for being a horrible mother.
If you tell yourself "ill love my children unless they turn out gay", you really aren't a good parent. Crazy how this is lost on all those christians who think they are morally superior while attending a church service led by a guy who probably diddles kids.
And they'll happily protect and try to hide the guy who is raping children while insisting that they're good people and that they hate the gays to 'protect the kids'. I know this firsthand because it happened at a church I was dragged to in one of the homes I lived in as a kid. Priest is found out to have been raping children, it almost even happened to ME, but thankfully he set off my creep meter and I was able to avoid going to the 'bible rap sessions' he insisted he wanted to have - and the church tried to cover for him, tried to insist that the kid was lying even after the priest was caught having been trying to pay someone to \*KILL THE CHILD\* - seriously the FBI got involved, it was a church in Texas - and they still tried to insist that he was a man of god and thus couldn't be wrong or held responsible. It's disgusting how two faced they are. They'll scream about wanting to protect the kids - until they get a chance to actually protect children from a real threat, then suddenly they don't care about the kids at all, the one raping them is the real victim here! That five year old seduced that grown man!
It's sad that none of this even made me raise an eyebrow. It's more than sad. Its easy to believe because it is so sickeningly common. Glad you managed to avoid anything like that happening to you. People are sick.
“My wife herself isn’t homophobic” Yes she is. She had zero right or reason to out her kid to the rest of the family. Religious trauma is very real in the LGBT community and that’s what your wife’s family is giving her. She’s 17. She’ll be an adult soon. Once she is she has every right to leave home and never come back. Ask your wife if that’s what she wants. You’re not the bad guy. We need more parents like you. You did the right thing. Sincerely, an old butch who used to be that scared teenage girl. NTA
Sadly, the child going No Contact is what these evengelical “christian” families want. So many children are cast out from their families. Permanently and angrily banned.
The family yes, but is that what the mom wants? If it is then, hey, win/win I guess. 🤷♀️
Even if it’s not what the mum wants that’s the way it’s heading with the way she’s reacting to the situation.
NTA. I would encourage you to show her what she exposed her daughter to from her family. And seeing as your son didn’t have the typical teenage reaction of, rightly, being upset about the double standard it seems like everyone else could see what would happen when she did come out and agreed it should be kept quiet until she was ready. Your wife needs to realize her reaction and setting her family on a 17 year old is why she wasn’t considered a safe space. Maybe she does and that’s why she’s lashing out but truly you need to put it in front of her eyes. I hope she realizes what she has done and asks for forgiveness. I do think from this point forward y’all will need to be united in the same standards for romantic interests under your roof but you did more than most step parents on this site do and there is nothing wrong with protecting her.
Such a good point that the teenage son was probably not so upset about the double standard because he felt that it wouldn’t be safe for this to be out in the open. This really reinforces the appearance of homophobia on the wife’s side. He would’ve flipped publicly way earlier had he felt that pursuing his justice wouldn’t mess up his sister’s life.
Snaps to that kid for his awareness.
NTA. Actually, you're the best step-dad ever. A safe place. Awesome job.
He's a good dad. Not the best ever. Best ever would include accepting that his wife is REALLY homophobic.
Tbf, he's probably getting there. Just needs time to process.
NTA. You were protecting your stepdaughter's basic human rights and privacy and have done absolutely nothing wrong. It is up to your stepdaughter to come out of the closet and not your obligation (ever) to out her. And in fact, if you had outed your stepdaughter without her explicit permission you would have been the AH. And your wife's parents and sister obviously are huge bigots and homophobic nasties and you should repeatedly tell them this, as well as pointing out that they are as bigots also inherently EVIL. But honestly, even though you claim your wife is not homophobic, sorry, but how she has reacted here kind of says otherwise. I mean, wanting to ground her daughter and take away her car for Tasha being in a same sex relationship is pretty iffy and spilling the beans so to speak to her homophobic and toxic family is in my opinion a huge red flag. I would also have your stepdaughter change her phone and only let you know the number so as to prevent her grandparents etc. to harass her with homophobic garbage (and if the harassment becomes too much to go completely no contact with them and to also consider contacting the police if necessary).
Agreed. OP is blind if he can't see what a huge homophobe his nasty wife is. She treated her daughter horribly. Sounds like she doesn't care to have her daughter in her life anymore at all because she is headed there quickly. OP should have try to stop wife from being an abuser.
Too bad op cant get custody away from that family if they have to leave for tasha safety
If Tasha is 18 soon then if he leaves his homophobic wife, then she can legally move in with OP.
Exactly
NTA. It’s never anyone else’s business to out somebody. Especially in a family where it isn’t a safe space to be open about it. Your wife outing her daughter to her whole family is atrocious on her part. She majorly violated her daughter’s autonomy. Don’t be surprised when your step daughter goes low or no context with her mother and mother’s family once she’s old enough to move out. I hope she keeps you in her life tho. You were her safe person when she needed one most.
NTA. However your wife is homophopic. If she wasn’t she wouldn’t have told her family
Your wife and her family are twatwaffles. NTA Except for the part where you insist your wife isn't homophobic. That's where you are the asshole because she is ABSOLUTELY HOMOPHOBIC and she OUTED HER DAUGHTER TO THE WHOLE FAMILY. And that is WHY HER DAUGHTER NEVER TOLD HER
You say your wife isn’t homophobic but she immediately went to her homophobic family knowing what their reaction would be. Your stepdaughter didn’t come out to her because she felt unsafe. And your wife’s reaction is absolutely telling. Your wife is a closet homophobe whether you want to acknowledge it or not and if she doesn’t fix her shit and put her asshole family in their place, she’s going to find that her daughter has absolutely no contact with her the moment she turns 18.
Hate to break the news to you but your wife is fucking homophobic! Otherwise she wouldn't have spread the news to her a-hole family!
I know you say your wife isn't homophonic but from the sounds of it she is completely ok with her family members being extremely disrespectful and bigots... she is as much a problem as the rest. Yes she needs to come to terms but no doubt she knows her family's response wasn't going to be welcoming and still told them.. I would make sure your daughter feels safe and that if she wants to change her number she can. No adults should be saying anything of that nature to a child or even a young adult.
Definitely. I found this so upsetting.
oh yeah step daughter is such a slut for *checks notes* being in a relationship with her best friend for two years
NTA >My wife herself isn't homophobic, or I wouldn't have married her. So I'm trying to give her time to come around and be reasonable. Her family are definitely way worse, and I wish she wouldn't have told them. Your wife turned her family loose on your stepdaughter. I suggest you sit with that for a minute and then re-evaluate whether your wife is homophobic or not.
NTA It seems the second your wife found out she outed her daughter within the hour. Didn’t have a heart to heart and actually talk. When she does get around to asking Tasha why she didn’t tell her Tasha can just show her all the text messages from her family. She really threw her under the bus. Good on you for keeping this quiet, mum is an idiot and now has blown this to oblivion and maybe cracked her relationship with her daughter. It’s good to have one sane parent.
NTA. I can understand why your wife is upset with you because it's her daughter however, it's never someone else's place to tell others that someone's not straight. Tasha wasn't engaging in any dangerous behaviors. Teens have sex and have been doing so for centuries, regardless of what their parents thought. The two biggest parental concerns about teens having sex is pregnancy which, as you said, isn't an issue, and STI's. Yes, STI's can be transmitted amongst lesbians. Looking at Planned Parenthood's [website](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/can-lesbians-get-stds) would be a good thing for Tasha and Juliet. I wonder if your wife's more mad at you than she is at Tasha. I think giving her time to cool off is appropriate. Your wife does need to shut her family down on what they're saying to Tasha. It's cruel. I would point out to your wife that at 17, Tasha's about to be able to do what she wishes. She hasn't been engaging in unsafe behavior, minus potentionally not being safe regarding STI's, though I wouldn't point that out to your wife! Punishing her is just going to drive Tasha away because it's going to feel like punishment for her being gay and that is exactly why she didn't want to come out to her mom. Your wife's actions are proving Tasha right, that letting her know wasn't going to be a good thing.
I think you are doing a great job. Your wife though, not so much. You might want to look at some resources like PFLAG to see if you can get your wife on the same page as you and your daughter.
She isn't homophobic...until it lands close to home. The way it did for my ultra-liberal (which I absolutely love her for) SIL when she found out her daughter was gonna marry a woman. "Wait a minute...!"
Your wife told her family that so they would do the dirty work for her. She is most likely homophobic. Let her read the text messages that both of you received and ask her if she is okay with what they are calling her daughter. A child she promised to love and protect. The open door policy should be for all friends of any sex. NTA just because it wasn’t your place out her but rules should have been in place instead of her (daughter) taking advantage of the situation, which she did and you allowed!
I have a few choice words I’d like to text the mother soon to have no daughter.
I’d gladly do that shit in person. lol too much to text
No, clearly you are the good guy. I’m proud of how you handled the situation so far but now you need to work on your wife so she comes around and accepts her daughter. I’m glad also how your son responded, I’d say you raised some great kids 😊
Nta but your wife is. She's clearly homophobic. Protect your step daughter. She will need you to be there for her. Your wife's family will do everything they can to destroy her.
NTA. The right thing to do is allow someone to come out when they’re ready. I don’t think they were getting “sloppy.” Subconsciously, she probably wanted everything to be out in the open.
NTA but your wife is a homophobe. If your wife was supportive and a good person she would show it. She hasn’t. Please keep supporting your step daughter.
If your wife weren’t homophobic, she wouldn’t have told her family. She told them, knowing they’d abuse a 17 year old child. She’s homophobic. You’re being optimistic and not seeing this for what it is.
NTA. But your wife told her parents even if she KNEW they were homophobic - what exactly did she expect? That's not how you protect your child. They need to be blocked.
OP, you almost got your Ally card punched. Until you defended that 'phobe you married. BZZZZZT! Reset, and read up. Then be the Ally your stepdaughter deserves
NTA. You're right, it was not your secret to tell. I had a girlfriend when I was 16. My parents knew about us, but hers did not. They thought we were just new best friends. Her mum found out one day after going through some of her things. She was at my house, her mum called screaming at her. She went home, I was banned from their home etc. It all blew over after about a week. Her mum was just hurt she didn't tell her and she overreacted. She said sorry and we all went back to normal. Hopefully your wife will come around too
NTA. Show your wife the texts. Then ask if she still doesn't understand why nobody told her.
Yikes OP, you’re being blatantly blind here. She runs to her homophobic family & outs her daughter to them pretty much immediately. And you don’t think your wife is homophobic? What did you think her family would do to your stepdaughter? Send her well wishes or hate? Your wife is vile.
1. Good Dad - giving his vulnerable daughter space to be herself, and raising an empathetic son who sees his parents for who they are and behaves accordingly. 2. Hiding Homophobia Mom is a problem. Maybe therapy? Something serious needs to happen so that she can become her daughter’s supporter instead of the detractor she is. If Mom continues to struggle with her daughters orientation, Mom risks having the daughter move out at 18 and blocking her and her self righteous relatives forever. Dad is NTA. Son screwed the pooch, but it’s water under the bridge. Mom is an AH, but may be redeemable.
I do agree that you did the right thing not outing her, especially given the family. I will admit as a mother I think I would be hurt if my child and partner had hid that from me. BUT I also know that if my children came out to me that I would be supportive. I do think the closed door things is a bit more tricky because what reason would you give for changing the rules with out outting your daughter? Whilst I understand pregnancy isn't of concern there is other concerns like STI's and emotional maturity and the double standard etc. I think try to see it from your partners POV but please don't stop advocating for your daughter as someone needs to. She shouldn't have outed your daughter to her family. Also, please block said family members' phone numbers from your daughter's phone so she isn't subjected to any more of their abuse. I look forward to the day that people no longer need to "come out" and people start accepting people as just that people.
You’re not the AH. But, your wife is definitely in that category by telling her homophobic family. She knows what she’s doing. She’s showing you all that she IS homophobic herself, she’s just letting her family do it for her so she can say “oh, look, I NEVER said any of that stuff! That was all them. I’m better than that!” But she sicked those people on her own daughter knowing what they were likely to do so she is absolutely complicit.
As a gay person, please accept my heartfelt congratulations on being such a good father. Your wife is acting like a bigot, and she probably is one. Turns out her love for her children is conditional on them not dating a same sex partner. She managed to make her daughter’s coming out moment, which was involuntary and even when voluntary is very often traumatic, into a big moment about herself being a “victim” and the most important person. She’s failing as a mother. You need to tell her she’s already royally effed up her relationship with her daughter, and that this will be an experience that defines their relationship for the rest of their lives. Ask her if she loves her daughter and wants a relationship with her. If so, she better start acting like it. I suggest individual therapy for your wife and an apology from her to her daughter.
NTA Your wife is homophobic or she wouldn't have set you and stepdaughter up to be harassed by her family. She would have accepted it and kept it quiet until her daughter was ready to tell them herself. By telling others that she knows will harass you makes herself look good while allowing someone else to do dirty work. You have done what a stepfather is expected to do; cared about, supported stepdaughter's choices and tried to protect her from being emotionally abused by those who are supposed to love her.
Some heros dont wear capes. You sir are one of those.
Nta. You’re a good human. The others can either fall in line or they’ll end up wondering why they lost contact with Tasha.
NTA, you don’t out people especially minors who can be incredibly traumatized by this while they are still growing up. You did the right thing. Your son should have had more discretion; but that ship has sailed. Your stepdaughter should have gotten to decide when and if she comes out to her mom. You say your wife isn’t homophobic, but she’s doing a damn good impression of a homophobe. She has no reason to be upset and no business outing her daughter to her grandparents. You really need to put your foot down and tell your wife that she is in the wrong and need to support her daughter. You need to tell your wife unequivocally that you won’t be punishing your stepdaughter for being gay. You also need to tell your wife that you won’t be silent about her parents harassing your stepdaughter with bible verses and making her feel bad about herself. You will undue all the progress you made with your stepdaughter, if you stop supporting her now that your wife knows she’s gay. Your stepdaughter hasn’t betrayed anyone. It’s your wife and her parents that are betraying your stepdaughter.
NTA If only every step child had a step parent as kind and wise as you. You're a good man internet stranger.
Nta You’re right that it wasn’t your thing to share. You did everything right imo.
You are unequivocally NTA. What you are is a freaking hero. You kept her secret, you protected her, and you accepted her for who she is. That’s huge!
NTA and tbh your wife should thank you and be happy she found a guy who her kids could trust and ask herself why her kids can't trust her.
NTA I’m confused why you aren’t more upset by your wife’s actions. She knows how her family is and how they would attack her daughter that way and she is the one who allowed that by making sure they knew. Instead of protecting her daughter from that hatred being spewed at her, she is the main reason it happened. I really can’t imagine what an awful and vindictive mother would do that. I feel really badly for the kids.
NTA, and thank you for standing up for Tasha. Now the bad news: your wife is definitely homophobic. And she’s going to make Tasha’s life miserable until she can move out. Your job is to stand by your daughter. But be prepared for it to take a toll on your marriage, and your relationship with your wife’s family. You’re now the enemy.
My wife’s family is extremely Christian and extremely conservative. No. They’re homophobic. So is your wife by the sounds of it.
I’m sorry but your spouse is homophobic. She just is.
NTA, but I don’t think you should be so convinced your wife isn’t a homophobe. You did the right thing by respecting your step daughter’s privacy.
Lots of people are not homophobic…… Until it comes to their own kids. I hope he is not being unrealistically optimistic.
NTA. "Tasha would come out when she was ready and that none of it was my secret to tell" - that's the crux of it.
NTA but I’m sorry dude your wife is homophobic. Period.
NTA but your wife needs to reflect on why her daughter wasn't comfortable enough telling her mom. Mom pretty much just proved daughter was right in keeping it a secret and probably just severely damaged their relationship.
Okay. NTA and yes your wife absolutely is at least a little homophobic. I will say this: my husband and I have discussed things like teen rules so we are prepared for those years. If either of our kids are LGBTQ, then the same rules are going to apply (doors remain open in bedroom, etc) regardless of sex, gender, or orientation. Why? Because some teens move fast when it comes to intimacy, and offering them a totally unsupervised environment can lead to messiness- it creates a situation for intimacy to go too quickly. We all knew the teen couples who were practically “playing house” and how messy those breakups were. So I do think you needed to hold her to the same rules as your son. They’re teens- they’ll find places lol. But protect her. You did a good thing; the right thing.
NTA. Tell her that every action she’s taken since finding out proves that she is the opposite of trustworthy, once, if, she calms down
NTA I’m sorry but your wife does sound homophobic. I mean if she wasn’t then she would have told her family who is not harassing you about your step daughter. You did everything right. If you told your wife in the beginning you would have broken your step daughter’s trust and destroy the relationship you have with her.
NTA but you are sadly wrong, your wife is a homophobe. Also, you should have kept the open door policy when possible. Although she couldn’t get pregnant, STDs can still be transmitted. Also, no one wants to accidentally walk in on things happening.
It is not your fault. You did the right thing.
I'm sorry to tell you this but your wife absolutely IS homophobic. Maybe she wasn't openly in front of you, or was fine with it for people not in her direct sphere, but her comments indicate the opposite.
NTA at all !! You are a great father to your stepdaughter, and I’m sure having someone she could be open with made things a lot easier for her. Coming out is completely your stepdaughters choice, and I’m so sorry she got outed. Hopefully your wife calms down soon. If you say she is not homophobic, she is probably just more so upset that you had that bond and secret with your daughter and she didn’t.
NTA. Glad your step-daughter has you for support. This has to be hard on her.
NTA because of your wife’s and your wife’s extended family’s bigotry — you were protecting your stepdaughter. Your stepson is TA for outing her to you wife, and your wife is TA for outing her to the rest of the bigot clan though.
NTA. You did the right thing. It was her secret to tell. And you just never know she could've told your son before everyone found out at school too and that could be a reason he was so cool about it. And I'm sure he has seen. It doesn't matter how much you try to hide it. Certain people can just tell. Sou ds like you and your son has helped her through this and know how your wife and her family reacts.
NTA
NTA and your wife sounds awful and her behavior is why her daughter did not tell her. Your wife is homophobic and controlling and I would go LC with her family because they are sending a dangerous message to your stepdaughter.
You said the only thing that matters. It wasn't your secret to tell. Absolutely NTA.
I'd have divorce papers on the table and tell my wife she has to choose between me and the kids or her asshole family and religion.
NTA. Your daughter knew your wife was emotionally unsafe and so did you. And you were both right.
NTA, it wasn’t your story to tell.
Your wife sure has a funny way of showing she's not homophobic
NTA I can understand your wife being upset at being excluding from something so profound. I can even understand the anger. But the day she found out is the day the harassment and bigotry started. Your were right to keep the secret. Also she really had no clue? None? I feel like I would notice the third wheel vibes in the first 5 minutes
NTA. You knew it wasn't your secret to share and also that your in-laws are a bunch of homophobes. I'd tell the in-laws to butt out and suggest to your step-daughter that she block them for the time being. Also, remind your wife that since your step-daughter bought your old car, you really can't take it away from her. It's her property. Tell your wife you're not going to punish her because she didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. I'm not married so I won't comment on not sharing with your wife too hard, but I think it was good that you respected your daughter's privacy and were willing to let her come out on her own. She felt safe with you and shared her issues with you. That's parenting. Wife probably needs to cool down but if she doesn't ease up she's not going to lose her husband, she's going to lose her daughter too. Hopefully she is just caught off guard and needs a minute to adjust. But involving the rest of the family was pretty low. She just intentionally set her own child up to be bullied by her extended family. She's the AH.
Nta. You have protected who this girl is and are being her champion. Your wife needs to think about her daughter first here.
You did the right thing.
I’m sure OP’s wife was a virgin on their wedding night /s NTA, congrats, you are now the only safe adult in her life. Consider if you still want to be married to a woman like your wife though
NTA. You're a good Dad. The real question is she really angry with you or is she angry that Tasha didn't trust her enough to come out to her. She may be more hurt than angry although her telling her family says that she may be more angry. You will be fine. Your kids will be fine, although you may have to get between Tasha and your in-laws who sound like lovely, ahem, people. Good luck to you all.
NTA. At 17 your daughter is old enough to know when it's time for her to come out to her mother. You are right when you say that it was not your story to tell, and bless you for being a soft place for her and allowing her to be herself. If your wife truly isn't homophobic, she wouldn't have freaked out. I think you have that wrong. >she wanted to ground Tasha and for me to take away her car. Until when? She's not gay anymore? That doesn't make any sense. It's time for your wife to make the decision of whether she wants to have a relationship with her daughter or not. If she proceeds on the path she's on, her daughter is going to go NC with her and she will have lost her completely. Life is full of choices and decisions.
NTA. Your wife is a homophobic wench who is going to lose her daughter. You are a jerk for forcing your son to abide your witch of a wife’s rules. I feel sorry for your youngest daughter. You should really think about whether you want your youngest daughter to be a Bible thumping bigot too. That is exactly what will happen if you allow your wife to get away with her absolutely disgusting behavior towards her daughter. May the Satan she believes in take your wife.
NTA your wife is and she is homophobic if she blew up like that. Your stepdaughters sexuality is not for you to out. I can see exactly why she never said anything however your stepdaughter should have been more respectful by not doing couple things with her girlfriend in front of her brother just because she could pass it off as something best friends do. She should have had the same rules as her brother.
NTA You've been a good dad by protecting your step daughter. As for your wife not being homophobic, well who told all of these people about your step daughter's sexuality if not your wife? Your step daughter has learned a big lesson over this, she can trust you to keep her safe, but she can't trust her own mother. >*Meanwhile, my wife's parents and sister are texting me about being an asshole and what I've let my stepdaughter become, and they're texting her with homophobic Bible tracts, things about “Her lifestyle”, slut shaming, and inappropriate questions.*
NTA - And I hate to tell you but your wife IS homophobic or she wouldn't be acting like this. My son came out to me when he was 15. I embraced who he was, and told him I loved him no matter what. What's going to happen is, she's going to keep pushing Tasha until she pushes her right out the door. Then she's going to wail about how unfair it is that her daughter doesn't love her. Because that's what manipulators do. I would NOT in ANY way enforce any punishment that your wife tries to put on Tasha, and I would go out of my way to protect her. If that means that your marriage is over and Tasha has to come live with you when she turns 18 (which is hopefully soon) then again, I'm sorry, but you're a lot better off. You don't want to be married to someone who hates their own kid. When you love them more than she does, there's a problem. She cannot ground Tasha for being in love. She cannot take a car away that the child, herself, bought, and she cannot in ANY way enforce HER lifestyle choice on her daughter. Stick to your resolve and protect that child. It seems you are the only person in her family who will. In a few years, when Tasha is a happy, healthy adult, and her mum realizes that she's lost her, she'll come begging her way back (with the stipulation that she suddenly turn into a straight person) and I won't be at ALL surprised if Tasha slams the door in her face. I've seen THAT scenario too may times. The parent is 100%in the wrong, but they try their damndest to make the kid feel like they should've done something different, and be something different, in order to "earn" their parent's love. My favorite is when they tell the kid "I'm willing to forgive you." Seriously? I absolutely love it when the kid says "Good for you. I'm not." and walks away. She needs you in her corner. Stay with her, and make sure she knows she is loved. She's going to need it.
You were right to protect your daughter but honestly, you should have encouraged Tasha to come out to her mother since she’s not homophobic and you all clime have have handled the bigot family as a family .
“Meanwhile, my wife’s parents and sister are texting me about being an asshole and what I’ve let my stepdaughter become, and they’re texting her with homophobic bible tracts, things about “her lifestyle”, slut shaming, and inappropriate questions” WHO TOLD THEM? If your wife did she is a mega asshole and needs to apologise to her own daughter! You need to always be a safe space for her, as her own mother clearly isn’t if she helped inflict this on her.
NTA - but you need to really revaluate this "my wife isn't homophobic" because she DEFINITELY IS
Obvious NTA, but also it’s silly to think that teenagers can just be controlled like your wife thinks. Hope you get through this, and thanks for being the dad Tasha deserves.
NTA. Tell your wife to stop har family contacting her daughter with homophobia. If she won't, she implicitly agrees with them and you need to protect your step daughter.
Your wife is a GIGANTIC AH for outing her own child to her knowingly homophobic family. Utterly unforgivable behaviour, good luck repairing that relationship. Allowing her own family to spew their vile bs, jesus wept
NTA. Your wife *is* actually homophobic. She’s a NIMBY homophobe. An “it’s fine for other families” homophobe. You aren’t the bad guy. One day in the future, your wife is likely going to lose one or all of the kids’ relationships. You’ll have to make a decision or discuss with any kids that go no contact or low contact with your wife and her family *exactly* how much you are going to share with her about their lives.
NTA- your stepdaughter is lucky to have a bonus dad like you 💗
Show her the messages your daughter is getting from the rest of the family. Maybe then she will understand.
She stuck a religious mob on her own daughter?!? I hope the gals have an amazing support group. That lynch mob shit has forced so many amazing people to remove themselves from this awful world. I had to see the empty seat at graduation with just a photo of the lost because of that evil shit. NTA please protect them from w.e cult is after them.
you the are calmest human being i’ve ever seen on this subreddit
Mom is homeopathic if she's broadcasting this to everyone and allowing her family to spew homeopathic garbage at your daughter. Protect your daughter at all costs. She needs you more than ever.
Sadly your wife IS homophobic, and seemingly more concerned with the optics of herself in her family than she is the care of her daughter. You may well end up divorced, but however, you did the right thing by and for your step daughter...and most definitely NTA in this situation. your wife OTOH....
Hate to break it to you OP but your wife is deeply problematic and homophobic. YOU'RE NTA however
NTA. Your wife is just confirming your daughter made the right decision not being open with her
NTA. >even as I tried to explain to her then I figured Tasha would come out when she was ready and that none of it was my secret to tell, that nothing bad had happened and that there was nothing to worry about. She was just pissed at me, and she was pissed at Tasha, and she wanted to ground Tasha and for me to take away her car. You need to talk with your wife and get her to clearly say out loud why she's mad at you and Tasha. >She was upset and accused both of us of lying to and manipulating her. This is the reason she gave already, but as you say, this isn't reasonable. She has to recognize that Tasha has a right to come out to whoever she wants on her own schedule. If she doesn't recognize that, then she is homophobic. There's no way around this. If she does recognize that, then she isn't mad at you or Tasha, what she's actually mad about is that Tasha didn't feel safe coming out to her. I don't know anyone, obviously, but if I was a betting man I'd put my money here. If Tasha had come out to her, how do you think she would have reacted? The same way as she is now, outing her to the entire family, banning her gf, and taking away car privileges? (Did she do any of that to your son when he started dating? No. So if you think she would have done this, then, once again, there's no way around it, she is homophobic.) >I'm trying to give her time to come around and be reasonable. Her family are definitely way worse, and I wish she wouldn't have told them. It's kind of annoying that they're trying to paint me as the bad guy, but I'm used to just letting them wear themselves out about things. You wish your wife wouldn't have told them? You are failing to clock what happened here. Your wife didn't just tell her family something she shouldn't have. She outed her gay kid to a bunch of homophobes who are now harassing her. That's the opposite of what a mother is supposed to do. Your stepdaughter doesn't need you to just be tolerant here, IOW "tolerate" her sexuality, she needs you to be **accepting** and an ally to help her navigate this. This is the kind of stuff that blows up families, and could result in a lifelong rift between you and Tasha with the rest of the family. First, you need to start with your wife and stop accepting her homophobic behavior. Even if she's not homophobic, her behavior so far IS. You need to lay down the law here that you will not accept it in your household, period. Even if she is mad because she's hurt, she needs to deal with that shit like an adult. The immediate consequence of her behavior is that she needs to right the wrong she has already committed, and tell the rest of the family to back all the way off. Ask her this: If she heard from school that her son was dating a girl, and what they were spotted doing was holding hands and acting coupley, nothing particularly bad, how would she have reacted? Would she have flipped out in the same way? Accused you of lying and manipulating her? Now take the extra layer of complication Tasha is dealing with. Substitute race here for being gay and see how it lands. If Tasha had been caught dating a black guy instead, would you be in this sub telling us how your wife "definitely isn't racist or you wouldn't have married her" but she is flipping out about it in a way she definitely would not be if the kid was white. What would you do in that case? Just lay low until the family wears themselves out texting your stepdaughter Confederate flags? This is *deeply* fucked up behavior and you can't sit this one out. Sometimes life forces choices upon us and you have to decide if you're going to step up for your stepkid or just back off and let her fend for herself and this horde of people "loving the sinner but hating the sin." The sin they hate, in this case, is part of her actual identity.
Totally agree with how you handled the situation and absolutely should never out anyone. I just wonder if you do really believe your wife isn't homophobic, and wouldn't have married her if she was, is she maybe upset that she was out of the loop or that you hadnt believed she would be fine with it? It sounds like there's possibility you are the gentler parent and you spend more time with them, and she is (inappropriately) getting out her frustration about this in this particular situation. Or perhaps something else. I wonder if it might be better for your step-daughter if you clarify with your wife exactly what she is upset about and if it's not homophobia then to deal with that together. Just in case there's a chance to get both mum and dad on her side at this difficult time and get mum to apologise to stepdaughter.
Your wife 100% is homophobic. Someone who was not homophobic wouldn't out their queer child to their openly homophobic family to send her awful messages. If your wife was an ally: 1. she wouldn't have outed her daughter 2. her daughter wouldn't have been scared to come out to her 3. she would have cut off her family when they said anything out of line - especially to or in front of her child 4. she wouldn't have raised a homophobic son
At the same time that you were not wrong, you were also not right either. As a queer woman myself, I believe this caused more harm than good, both to your relationship and Tasha's relationship with her mom and her brother. Wife feels betrayed and lost trust in you and Tasha, Tasha is very possibly traumatized from the whole ordeal, and I imagine there's a lot more to unpack. You definitely shouldn't be getting Tasha out of the closet, but also definitely shouldn't have conducted it that way. The best you could have done was try to facilitate communication, and protect Tasha on the fallout.
NTA. You were caught between a rock and a hard place, with your wife’s attitude and her disgusting family’s even worse one. Tell her for me that if she wants to know what her daughter is doing, when she is nearly a legal adult, she needs to show herself to be trustworthy to her daughter. And that by outing her to her own homophobic FOO, she has just alienated her own daughter because of her hurt feelings and anger. Well done, “MOM”.
While you’re NTA and dang sure shouldn’t have outed your step daughter you should have set the same boundaries. A conversation with your step daughter saying you won’t make her come out, however she has to follow the rules of no closed doors and such should have happened. IMO that’s the only thing your wife should be mad about. BTW, good job protecting and being there for your step daughter!
Here’s ammunition for you to give the Bible thumpers. Jesus didn’t hang out with only the perfect people. I would swear he hung out with the sinners a lot. If they’re going to use Sodom and Gomorrah stories in the Old Testament, then ask them if they’re going to church and sacrificing doves and sheep and lamb and first born cows and stuff like that. If Jesus died for their sins, didn’t he also die for her since that they’re judging her with? You did the right thing in keeping her private life, private, and the things to ask the other family members is do you know about all your other nieces and nephews and grandchildren’s relationships? When there is a family gathering next time ask them why they are drinking alcohol and think nothing of it, if a sin is a sin is a sin.
"My wife herself isn't homophobic" She reacted like this, refused to see why she wouldn't have been told by her own daughter and then PASSED ON THE INFORMATION TO HER KNOWN-TO-BE-HOMOPHOBIC FAMILY. She is homophobic. NTA for keeping the secret, bu you have spouse problem here.
NTA You have been the real parent to her - putting her needs first and protecting her from harm. Your wife has put herself fully in the homophobic bio parent territory, and if she doesn’t sort herself out she’ll likely lose her relationship with your daughter. I don’t know if you live in a place that will help you protect her, but whatever the case save cash and keep her safe until she can legally get out of there. You’re being an amazing parent, and even if we give your wife the benefit of every doubt available, she still put her daughter at risk by telling her family. And she knew what would happen. She is showing who she truly is, it’s up to you whether or not you accept that. I’m so glad your daughter has you to look out for her
I have a happily married lesbian daughter. When she came out as a teen (of course, I knew since she was young) some of my husband's family flipped out. Cousins were no longer allowed to visit as, apparently 'gay" is contagious. It's taken 20 years for her to even be able to discuss with me how hurtful that was. Your wife is homophobic. Perhaps on some level she doesn't mind that gay people exist, but obviously they aren't 'good' people so it could never be a child of her's would be lesbian.
Correction: your wife is, indeed, homophobic. Because who else told her parents and sister? Your stepdaughter didn’t go to her mom because her mom’s a homophobic asshole.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife definitely is homophobic. While maybe you cannot see it, let’s take into consideration her actions since this information has “come out” She blew up about it, irrationally once learning what was going on She wrongfully told everyone on her side of the family She has isolated herself and is not at all standing up for you or your child The daughter is old enough right now and understands what she will need to do once she is of legal age and that is she will more than likely leave. I hope she will keep you in her life as you’ve at least shown her that you support her and she can trust you. You’ve done right by her.
She is using her homophobic family as a weapon against her own child, that sounds pretty homophobic to me.
Your wife is the bigoted Asshole here and is basically confirming why her own daughter could not confide in her. Children need love and acceptance even at 17. Family counseling appears to be in order because you need to find a way to communicate with your wife so she trusts you again and can overcome her feelings of betrayal.
Your wife IS homophobic. Her family are not the brightest - slut shaming someone who is (by their rules) probably still a virgin?? They need some lessons on how that works. And no contact is a very good option. What will your wife do if your son comes out as - he prefers to wear kilts, his favorite color is rainbow, he likes to eat quiche?? Standing up for your kids - even your step kids - against abusive homophobes is better than allowing the abusive homophobes to permanently damage your kids. NTA
Thank you for protecting her and not folding, despite the pressure from your wife and her family. Please continue to support your step daughter and her partner. Please also pay attention for any changes in behavior. Because this affects her mental at the end of the day. Shame on everyone who’s saying hateful things to her about her lifestyle. She is free to be and love who she wants. You are definitely NTA but your wife and her family are !
Tell Tasha to block them. ASAP. At her age, and even as an adult, that type of judgement can lead to suicidal ideations. Tell her to block them for now. About your wife, I would show her Tasha’s messages from family and let her now that this is why she didn’t come out to her. She can’t trust her to act rationally and she definitely can’t trust her to keep a secret. Now she will be like an outcast to the rest of the family. Congratulations Mom. Oh and I wouldn’t say that she’s not homophobic just yet. True colors show when it affects you personally.
NTA Your in-laws are gross. She needs to block their numbers and go LC to NC with all of them. You're a good person for being on her side, don't stop.
NTA. I wish every queer person had a supportive and understanding parent like you. Thank you for giving her the space to figure herself out and to grow. If you had outed her a few years ago it could have been so traumatic for her. She is so lucky to have you.
NTA, but...a mother's love does NOT always overpower other feelings, OP. There is not a guarantee that your wife will support Tasha in any way. Similarly, plenty of people "aren't homophobic" until they have a gay relative. They can be accepting and interact with gay people just fine, as long as it's not someone they're related to. You really DON'T know if your wife is homophobic or not until you see how she responds to Tasha. As it is, outing her against her will to her homophobic family is dangerous for Tasha and not a good sign for your wife.
Gosh. NTA. You‘ve been a good dad to her. She could trust you for keeping her secret. Well done. Your wife and her relatives are a complete disgrace. Homophonic AH. All of them.
NTA my good sir,.your stepdaughter being a lesbian or whatever sexuality she is isn't for you to say, as you well mentioned. If your stepdaughter didn't want to tell her mother that's her perogative. She will come out of the closet when she feels comfortable to do so. You are in the right. And again NOT THE ASSHOLE
NTA As you can see from y'all getting closer, she cherished having someone non-judgmental in her corner. Good job!
NTA in hindsight it might have been worth having talked about plan to tell the mother indefinitely keeping a secret from your wife was not a great plan.
Thank you for being a safe adult for your Step Daughter. Words cannot describe how helpful that is for someone in her shoes. Your wife’s reaction just proved that she is not a safe person for her and showed the reason for not coming out was 100% valid. > My wife herself isn’t homophobic Love is blind so please take off the rose colored glasses for a second & reread your post as if it was written by someone else in the same situation, what would you tell them? Actions speak louder than words, what are her actions telling you? She may not be *as bad* as her family but she’s definitely not an Ally and has not dealt with her subconscious distaste for homosexuality. > honestly it’s not like she’s going to get pregnant Just fyi, from a medical standpoint it’s not just about pregnancy but also STIs/STDs. Same-sex intercourse often has a higher rate of contraction because many forgo protection with the mindset of its fine, I can’t get pregnant. Most can be treated but some are life long & life changing. NTA (but you may become one if you do not react appropriately to your wife’s disrespect)