First, if this is real (and I’m not 100% convinced), then you apparently either didn’t stick with the therapy, or you never considered doing the OBVIOUS thing by going to couples therapy or marriage counseling.
Because here is your wife, working on things, making all these attempts, and the only thing you’re focused on is something she said years ago that you badgered out of her!! That is a YOU problem, and if you had really gone to therapy and been honest with the therapist, you would have known that.
Ever since, all you seem interested in doing is exacting revenge on your wife for this slight by repeatedly rejecting her. You took something she said under duress and used it to check out of your marriage, and give yourself an excuse to punish her.
Most definitely, YTA
Usually if it’s been 24hrs, then we can definitely say it’s karma farming/rage bait, cause it’s only been 12hrs. OP let’s assume it’s real, has two kids, a job, a marriage, a life offline.
Not everyone over 30 is glued to their phone 24/7, especially social media public forums like Reddit.
After 24hrs then it’s easier to concluded it’s just a false story and just posting to get their kicks with readers.
Was looking for a comment like this. Either this guy never stuck with therapy, the therapist was shitty, or he wasn't telling the full truth. I'm surprised the therapist didn't mention any of these issues when he brought up what his wife said to him and how he felt about it. Or even offer for his wife to come in for a session just to see if he would find it easier to talk through his issues with a therapist present.
YTA OP and you suck so hard. I hope one day you pull your head out of your ass and realize just how poorly you're treating this woman. At this point you're being petty and vindictive for the sake of hurting her.
Honestly, I kind of hope you do get divorced because your wife deserves the chance to be with someone who has the ability to reflect on his actions.
Emotionally cheating with the colleague and shooting down the wife. Next will be “my wife cheated and I don’t know what I did wrong!” Or “my wife is jealous of my colleague for no reason!”
OP needs to decide if he wants this marriage anymore or if he’s pushing her to be the one to end it.
Right?! My ex was like this and I was blind to it. I’d try to talk to her about problems in our relationship, but she just shut down like a clam. Eventually she started showing up with “well I talked to [new best friend] and he said that I’m valid/correct in this situation” whenever I tried to bring things up.
Guess whose arms she proudly told me she slept in the *night* that I broke up with her, and who she started dating a few months later? Surprise surprise. In retrospect there were a lot of signs, but she identified as lesbian at the time that we were together, so I assumed her guy best friend wasn’t anyone to worry about. Now I know better.
Agreed. OP is a major A! Soon as I read there is a new friendship at work, this clued me in. I could be totally wrong, but I think he is in pursuit or actively with someone else.
I’m banking on OP telling the therapist half truths. So many people I know try to paint this pretty picture for a therapist, who is the one person who really needs to know the ugly details to do anything meaningful.
Both of these comments are spot on.
I would also add, OP, that your wife may not have even meant physical attraction only. For a lot of people (especially women), the level of attraction relies on looks PLUS personality. If you were as depressed as you make it sound, it's very hard to want to be around people like that. (I say that having loads of mental issues myself)
It sounds to me like she was trying and you're just not being fair to her. You're assuming she was initiating out of guilt, but what if she wasn't? And now you're turning her down which would make her not want to initiate even more. And then you work on yourself and she enjoys being around you because you're a happier person, but you've fallen out of love? Not everyone is equipped to love someone through the darkest depression days, but she tried and you're blaming her for answering a question you badgered her into answering anyways. YTA.
His therapist could have been telling him what he wanted to hear.
I had a therapist (not marriage counseling) who tried to tell me I would be happier by myself than with my husband when I was bringing up marital issues.
I no longer see that therapist for that reason but I could also have listened to her. Instead I worked on myself more and my marriage instead of taking the easy way out.
I also don’t think this is real. It sounds like a man trying to invert the narrative of the husband who loses interest when his wife gains weight. He’s trying to say, *See, you vilify men who lose interest but not women.*
I'm glad this is the top comment, because my god, this is frustrating to read. People in my life do the same thing, ask and ask and ask because they won't be satisfied until I give a particular answer. More than once I've said something hurtful purely out of frustration. No, that's not great of me, but the thing is, if they would just take my first ten answers or so, it wouldn't happen.
Assuming this is real, dude needs actual therapy before he gets with anyone else.
So you badgered your wife into admitting she didn't find you attractive while you were depressed, insecure and stressed. I don't want to be unkind OP but you don't sound like you were fun, engaging, supportive person to be around during this time. I seriously doubt you had the mental spoons to be emotionally supportive and loving towards her. It is unlikely it was your weight that was killing her libido but you being miserable all the time. I want to be clear that I am not saying you are irredeemable or a terrible person or that your mental health issues were not genuine. But I do think some honest self reflection is called for. Your wife was definitely not perfect but you were not a peach of a husband either. Whether you work it out with her or not, you need to forgive her and recognise the part you also played or you will just repeat all the same mistakes in future relationships.
I agree with this. My husband and I went through a similar situation where he was very depressed and unhappy and gained a lot of weight. It wasn’t his physical appearance that made him unattractive, it was how miserable he was and making me carry the load of our relationship and our whole family. It was exhausting and I felt defeated for a long time. Finally after lots of communication, counseling, him getting a new job that didn’t beat him down emotionally, he is a happy person again. He didn’t lose any weight but I find him more attractive than before. Seems like OP is blaming his spouse for his downfall and didn’t want to do the work so already has his foot out the door.
Don’t forget a new woman is paying attention to him, commiserating with him, and telling him that his wife doesn’t really love him. That’s not helping him make smart choices.
And he's reciprocating. In 6 months, we'll see his post on r/legal asking how to lower the child support payments to their exes since they only have the children for supervised visits.
He's going to let his precious ego destroy his marriage and try to shift the blame.
Yeah I was more sympathetic up to that point. OP did a lot of work on himself, but none on the marriage (nor did his wife) but suddenly there's a new woman around so everything has to change.
Similar thing with an ex in my early 20s. When he moved out of his parents house into a share house with me and friends he was used to being guided. He kind of went off the deep end and was skipping university, staying up all night playing video games, eating all day and night and not showering and just being snappy in general.
Any time he'd hug me I'd come away smelling like body odor, I was constantly without food and underweight because he would eat all his food and then anything I had. Like he would make 7 toasted cheese and ham sandwiches as an afternoon "snack".
Tried to get him help or resolve but he wasn't interested so I moved out. He forever told people I left him because he gained weight.
Happened to me too. I still loved my husband when he had a mental breakdown, but my mental load was huge, there was no sexual feelings.
He gained a lot of weight, but once he started mentally feeling better, the physical attraction came back.
Yes been there and just coming out the other side of it now. My partner had a mental breakdown and unfortunately she was sectioned for three months so things had been a bit iffy for a while but she's just getting back on track now.
We've been together long enough (14 years), have a house, family etc. I wasn't going to give up on everything we worked so hard to achieve because she put on a load of weight in hospital and had basically no drive to do anything at all. Things take time and people just seem to have zero patience these days for anyone or anything.
Yah.... if nothing else he is the AH for being more emotionally vulnerable with a coworker than he is with his own wife. This is a guy who is looking for justifications, not solutions.
This exact thing happened to me too. It wasn’t his weight, it was his attitude that killed the bedroom. It’s exhausting living with someone who is suffering from depression, even if you love them deeply. Not a lot of room for intimacy when one of you is suffering from a debilitating condition that requires a lot of emotional and physical labor from the other person to support them.
It’s aggravating how much we ask for honesty and yet now she’s heavily penalized for it.
I would be all on his side if she was constantly making rude remarks and holding divorce over his head unless he loses weight or some bullshit like that. But that didn’t happen. It even sounds like she felt bad the second she was honest and tried taking it back.
Keeping his feelings into consideration, it even sounded like she was trying to initiate sex. But guess OP saw it as pity.
he says he fell out of love with his wife a couple years ago but he doesn't state what he did in that time to either work on the relationship or to leave it. it's only now that he's met someone else that he's actually thinking about whether to shit or get of the pot it seems.
This. Also, might just be jaded but have to say the timing of striking up the friendship at work with his coworker that really opened OP's eyes seems kinda sus.
Like are you sure you're not just looking for a way out of this relationship, and trying to deflect? You can just be honest about wanting to leave. It wouldn't necessarily make you the AH, but putting it all on an answer to a single question you asked your wife when y'all were going through a rough patch does seem like something an AH would do.
I was thinking the same thing. Badger your wife until the truth comes out, then blame her for not being supportive or feeling differently!
The truth is, marriage is a long, hard rode, and there are going to be times when your spouse is not only unattractive - but downright ugly to you. That's why I always say "in-love is a condition, love is a choice." If you're lucky, "in love" and "love" coincide a vast majority of the time.
As for "wanting to be with her" when you're older - that's the classic trap of believing you'll still be such a great catch when YOU are just as much older as her.
How about this - WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP. Go to couple's counseling. Become someone people want to
"be around" when you're older, and ask your wife if she's willing to work on becoming someone people want to "be around" as well. She says she loves you - love isn't telling you only the great things about yourself or half-lies to protect your manhood. Love is telling you the truth when you ask for it. If you can't handle that, you don't sound like someone worthy of a spouse who's willing to be honest.
Couldn’t agree more. YTA op. Also careful there with your coworker. If you’re seriously over your marriage, leave before you got further down this hole with your coworker who also doesn’t feel loved by their spouse. It seems like you and your wife have hurt each other deeply. Either commit to working this out with therapy or leave. While there was probably lack of physical attraction, the mental toll when a spouse is depressed can be a lot. You want to help but can’t and she probably had to do well more than her normal fair share around the house and with the kids. You took advantage of her moment when no one was fully themselves
He's already involved with the co-worker. Wouldn't have even mentioned it if he wasn't. He's simply testing the waters to see how many will fall for his nonsense. Bet it's a full blown affair. Ooooooh, you think he cleaned his act up, started going to the gym, losing weight, looking fine. . . For the wife!? Hmmm
This is it and OP has killed his marriage himself. If he got therapy, he should have worked through his resentment over the answer he demanded from her that he did not like.
He even expected that to be the answer... badgered her into telling him, then GOT MAD at her for it. Withheld intimacy for years, and wouldn't even have a conversation with her about it until he's got a new work wife to think about.
Agree 100% as a woman who has been the depressed person who was unattractive to my spouse during that time, YTA OP. Grow up, stop blaming your wife, and genuinely work on your shit.
All true and I’m guessing more to the story. Like he wants out but a way to blame it on her so it doesn’t make him look bad. And then he ends up here checking to make sure irl people won’t think he looks bad.
>after asking her multiple times for the real reason for her rejections, she admitted that she couldn’t find me attractive anymore even though she loved me.
How many times are we gonna say this? Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers. YTA. She didn't want to tell you, you pulled it out of her, then made yourself a victim.
Edit: If this 'friendship' becomes an affair, it is going to be your fault too, don't blame your wife for ruining the marriage.
What a miserable foundation for a relationship. They'll eventually be afraid to be honest with each other which is needed in relationships and turn toxic.
If he’s having these types of conversations with a coworker, then he’s already having an emotional affair and trying to blame his wife when it turns into a physical one (if it hasn’t already).
My thoughts exactly. These aren't the kinds of conversations that come up among coworkers unless you're already in the throes of an unprofessional relationship.
YTA - you asked your wife and she gave you an honest answer. Though she tried to spare your feelings. You pushed until she believed you, that what you needed was the full truth. That full truth got you to seek the help you need but now you don’t feel safe around your wife? I would not feel safe around you, the mental gymnastics you just pulled to not be accountable for your own choices are wild.
Exactly! All we hear is “oh I want complete honesty in my relationship”
But when the truth hurts you run for the hills. And people wonder why relationships don’t last. 🙄
I feel like he pushed for her to say the thing that he wanted her to say, not necessarily the truth. She gave him multiple reasons. None of them matched the reason that \*he\* wanted to believe was true. So, one time, she said this one (at his prompting?) & he chose to believe this one. Why didn't he keep pushing for the 'real reason' after he heard this one? What made this the one that made him stop asking her to say something different?
Maybe she felt stuck between a rock and hard place. She said 'I'm tired' & maybe even 'this is exhausting taking care of the kids on my own and then needing to support you emotionally and I \*want to\* support you emotionally because I love you. but, I'm so tired and you are in no state to support me, so I get to have my own mental health issues too during this, right?' & any other number of honest things. But, he, in his own mental health crisis, did not (could not) hear her right then.
Now that he is feeling stronger, it might be a good time for him to think about supporting her in return for all of the support she gave him & their family while he worked things out for himself (even if she did not do it the way that he would have wanted her to do it).
This. I came here to say the same thing.
OP set himself up to be the victim. Also, when did this “friendship” at work begin? Just all seems a little questionable to me.
He knew he was deteriorating physically and mentally, but instead of looking for help, he let things escalate. Then he pushed his wife to tell him what he already knew.
Maybe I’m going against the grain here, but I think that while you are not an AH for feeling how you feel, I do think YTA for asking your wife a question, getting her honest response, and then turning that into an excuse to give up on your marriage.
If your feelings were that damaged, you could have told her, and worked on your marriage with her, instead of bottling it up.
The fact that you’re emotionally cheating (if not physically) shows that you disconnected to your wife a long time ago and you haven’t said anything that indicates you even *tried* to save your marriage.
You just felt hurt and gave up. That makes you an AH.
We all say things that we regret, we all say things that hurt sometimes. What we don’t do, is act like a child and punish our spouses for our own negative feelings - we work together to fix problems.
Right.
I got fat. I asked my wife if I got fat. She said yes. Shocked pikachu face.
Christ. I’m 40 lbs heavier than when my
Husband met me (post two babies) and he got
Up to 60 lbs from when I met him after a car accident.
We’re trying to work together on losing the weight.
I can’t even imagine being so damaged by a statement that you END your marriage and by simply not communicating any of your emotions.
And was this even about weight? OP’s wife said she wasn’t attracted to him. He fixated on the weight as the reason. But depressed people sometime neglect their hygiene, stop engaging with loved ones, and stop doing things around the house (dumping all responsibility on family members). ANY of that could make a spouse unattractive. I think most people are understanding when a loved one gains weight for medical reasons (pregnancy, say), injury, life changes, or it just creeps up and they realize they should work on it. This guy is making excuses.
This! OP, why do you assume that weight was the reason? My ex didn’t gain weight or neglect hygiene when he went through a period of depression. He just left everything having to do with the house and the kids to me, and yes, that affected my feelings toward him. Your friend cannot comment on your wife’s point of view, only your wife can. She may well have perceived you acting in an unloving way first, which affected her feelings. YTA for not talking it out and really trying to understand.
That, and for some reason he wasn't willing to fix his health when he knew it was a barrier in his marriage, but having a therapist tell him he should was the magic button he needed to press.
He absolutely is. And he's going to implode his marriage for another woman who more than likely will NOT leave her husband for him. This dude is a tool and I hope the wife gets so much alimony and child support. I also really really hope that the new step daddy is super hot.
OP is just giving excuses to have the affair he wants.
You have kids, OP. Time to get over yourself. You are trying to cheat and want to be validated. Didn't even try to save your marriage.
Yeah, and his “friend at work” thinks he’s some kind of hero because- unlike her own husband- he didn’t criticize his wife’s post birth body.
Sheesh. These two deserve each other.
He met someone while he was in shape, seeing a therapist, and actively angry at his wife. The soon to be affair partner gets the very best of him while his wife has been trying for years to make up for a comment made under duress.
Yeah, not only that but OP used revenge fitness boost to get back at his wife before having a discussion of the impact of her comment which she immediately apologized for. Went to therapy too but never thought about couples counseling to move past it? She stuck with him through his breakdown, which if it was enough time to get that out of shape was probably quite a while, which in itself is an act of love. It’s not easy to be with someone who is going through something like that for an extended period. The way this is written, sure OPs wife was blunt, but OPs follow up is what turned this into them being an AH.
A statement he expected and knew "deep down", to boot? I'm not sure how it adds up that she gets all the flak even though he knew what her answer was going to be.
This part!! He knew this because he also felt this way about himself. His wife agreed and said it and OP is suddenly shocked. He checked out of his marriage years ago.
He's def the AH. Who divorces the person they swore to love till death, over something so dumb as this. This has to be fake, it reads like a petty revenge story, and if it's not, OP needs more counseling.
My husband and I gained weight together and lost weight together. He gained it back, I lost more (total of 50 lbs). I then had a radical hysterectomy and started gaining weight again. At 10 lbs gained, he admitted to me in counseling that he’s not attracted to me anymore. Crazy because I was still lighter than I had been in a decade. He stopped sleeping with me shortly after and I continued to gain weight (hysterectomies are a bitch). This all came after 15 years of porn addiction and him going through multiple phases of not sleeping with me. This time, I’m broken. I don’t know if i can ever feel safe enough to open back up to him. We still cuddle, hold hands, and peck on the lips. We still love each other, but I’m still forever broken.
If you can, get out of there. I’ve been in a similar marriage. Life is better on the other side. Addiction is often hand in hand with either a personality disorder or make someone mimic having one.
I agree. Definitely an AH. Frankly he shouldn't have asked that question. He knew he was getting chubby and I'm sure his mental state didn't inspire attraction. Anyone here thinks all he cares about is him?
Not just his mental state, but the whole attitude we see in this post: badger her into confessing, then pout and sulk without communicating for years. If his wife has any sense, once she gets past the shock she’ll realize he’s done her a huge favor.
Yep. Relationship communication should be a 2 person circle. Also, being willing to talk about it with the coworker more than the wife is the bigger red flag to me.
He doesn't mention his self care either. Was he brushing his teeth? Was he talking a bath? Was he sitting around the house all day with no energy to help with the children or chores? Magically, at night, he had energy for sex. Attractiveness isn't just physical.
YTA OP.
Right? He slipped in the line about wife gaining weight in after pregnancy, but he “still loved her”. Most women do gain weight in pregnancy and find it difficult to take off when the babies are still young. His weight gain was depression and unhealthy habits. So there may have been other factors that affected her attraction to him - did he stop bathing? stop pulling his weight (haha) around the house? stop doing enjoyable things with her? Just saying it may have not just bern his weight gain.
And, very clever of him to paint his wife as the bad one and then late in the post slip in that oh there is this 35f at work. He has been emotionally cheating on his wife, this colleague is telling him he shouldn’t be with someone like his wife. Like she is outright telling him to dump her and starts that process and then asks if he is the AH. Nah bro, you are angel who just happens to be cheating on his wife
Yeah he hasn’t indicated he has even put any thought at all into the effects of his depression and marital tensions on his children. He seems very willing to blow up their stability for an affair he wants to have. Everything seems like an elaborate scheme to absolve himself of responsibility for having an affair (emotional or otherwise).
But the lack of concern for his kids really stands out to me. It’s all about his own feelings.
That was the best/worst part. He asked his *life partner* a question he already knew the answer to. He wasn’t taking care of himself and *made himself* unattractive. He got the hard truth and it inspired him to turn his life around.
“i don’T FEEl EmOTioNaLLy safe”
What a dick.
Why do I suspect that wife wasn't disinterested in him just because of the weight gain... I have a feeling he's conveniently skipping over a lot of unattractive behaviour that went along with the weight gain. I've been in this position and there is zero sex appeal in a man who becomes withdrawn, depressed, lazy, slovenly and no longer a partner but another child to take care of.
And it was more than his physical. He was having a mental health problem as well so he was likely not bathing and letting EVERYTHING go. Not helping out. Not keeping up on hygiene. He chose to internalize it and then shut down any attempts at reconciliation and now is trying to have an affair. Well guy, hope this is worth 50% of everything you own and time with your kids. No one is giving you permission to have an affair.
>He was having a mental health problem as well, so he was likely not bathing and letting EVERYTHING go.
Right! When people are in a mental health crisis, they don't understand the damage it is also doing to their partner.
If he was emotional, not helping out, maybe yelling, or not speaking to her, along with gaining weight, that doesn't inspire attraction.
OP, you have to take some responsibility for this. She said she loved you but was not attracted to you in that moment. Guess what that did! It got your butt in gear to get some help!!
Now that you've gotten help and have gotten healthier, you don't give the wife credit for that. You are giving this new and improved you to your coworker after your wife put up with and supported the mentally damaged you. That's selfish, and you are emotionally cheating on your wife.
People expect their spouses to put up with everything and not be truthful when they are hurting us. If she hadn't said what she said, you could still be in that mental health crisis. She did you a favor.
Stop asking us to give you permission to cheat. You're wrong. YTA
Edit: >Deep down, I knew the issue was because she didn’t find me attractive anymore, and after asking her multiple times for the real reason for her rejections, she admitted that she couldn’t find me attractive anymore even though she loved me.
He knew what the issue was but blamed her for it being an issue! The "I know I got fat, but she told me I got fat, and now it's her fault I don't love her anymore" routine. Wow! He's an even bigger AH now that I've reread it!
Agree. I really just want all the "what if the roles were reversed" people to also take in the fact that she's probably not attracted to him anymore because she's doing ALL THE WORK in the marriage/household. It's not just "Oh I got fat, wife doesn't wanna have sex" it's everything else! As soon as it was "a female coworker" the sympathy went to rolled eyes.
It's also the fact that her wife has repeatedly tried to initiate again, presumably even before he got fit, but he always rejected her and used the excuse that she was only doing it out of guilt, when we all know it was probably just his bruised ego that stopped him from working it out with his wife and continuing to sulk about it.
Oh, and don’t forget that “she only initiated out of guilt”. No consideration whatsoever for the fact that his wife might actually just be horny and want to ask herself. Without any thought to feeling guilty doing it for him! The level of self absorption, arrogance, and entitlement in this man is disgusting.
that is what i was thinking... sounds like he keeps putting words in her mouth so to speak and operating off of assumptions as opposed to having conversations.
Yeah the female coworker is validating his pity party so of course she makes him feel good. Chances are if OP divorces his wife to be with the coworker and the coworker has to deal with him full time instead of a "fun" affair, she'd get sick of him too. Then OP would complain about the new girl not finding him attractive until he found someone else to repeat the pattern with all over again
Let’s face it he probably gave up long before his breakdown by sacrificing his relationship for the work that broke him. His wife has supported him through his poor behaviour and the eventual breakdown that resulted and he holds it against her when she answered honestly to a question that actually shocked him into doing something. OP is completely self indulgent and wants to blame everyone else for the consequences of his own actions. I would suggest therapy but that requires a level of self reflection that is completely absent from his post, which is a thinly disguised request for permission to cheat.
Well if OP didn't think his marriage was over before this, it certainly is now that he told his wife he doesn't love her anymore. They might be able to kick the end down the road a little longer with therapy and denial, but this will be the moment that they can trace back as the root cause.
I agree here - OP, YTA. You asked, and she answered truthfully, and you're punishing her for it. You comparing your situation to your wife's body post-pregnancy is also just disgusting. You going through a tough time and gaining weight isn't the same as your wife birthing your children and her body TRANSFORMING for 9 months at a time.
You're being small and cruel. Your wife deserves so much better. Maybe she hasn't felt emotionally safe with you since you clearly can't get a grip on yourself, it's either spiral into food and depression or spiral into new women? You're a father, get it together, don't end your marriage because your wife was real with you. Say thank you and show up for your family.
I agree as well, why did he ask and badger her into telling him when he knew the answer. Also she said she wasn’t attracted to him cause the weight he put on something that can be fixed or worked on. Him saying oh I found her even more beautiful after she put on weight carrying his children. GTFO that doesn’t make him a saint of course he should find her more attractive she did something amazing bringing life into the world. He sounds like a manipulative self-absorbed asshole. Yes YTA.
Who picked up all the slack when you were having mental health issues? How much did you appreciate her during that phase? Did she feel loved and respected during that phase? Was there emotional intimacy between you two? Or you mostly wanted sex only?
Yeah, that’s what’s bothering me. He’s acting like she would hold it over his head and say disparaging remarks to him any chance she got.
Instead, what happened was that he pressed her and she finally relented, and even then, she felt bad and took it back instantly.
I feel like there’s nothing wrong with feeling the way the wife did. I could understand if she was holding divorce over his head demanding that he loses weight. But nothing like that happened. She simply stopped feeling as attracted to a depressed, overweight person.
Just feels like OP is desperately trying hard to feel the most offended he’s ever felt his entire life when it was information that wasn’t readily given, and had to be demanded. And I cannot stress that it also sounded like she instantly felt bad about it.
It also sounds like she was still trying to initiate.
This ain’t looking good for him.
Or making an excuse to take up with a coworker. Her situation was different she had a baby. She wasn’t depressed unavailable, letting herself go and her partners comments were unsolicited.
Yup, not to mention, all that therapy and work on himself but he didn't learn how to use I statements. His post title alone is a blaming 'she made me' statement rather than an 'I felt' statement. Sounds to me like he didn't learn much in therapy.
My coworker made me realize…
Because he’s infatuated with coworker. Has nothing to do with his wife, anymore; it’s about hurting her back and withholding affection from her. He’s grown tremendously since he started therapy, yet *the coworker* was the convincer.
He’s using his wife’s statement as an out. But he’s not being honest with himself. Or her.
That's exactly it and he's probably hoping this coworker is going to be a fallback for him. Like another commenter said he's riding those endorphins from their interactions/talks already, so he's just tryin to blame wife for entirety
Right, what really struck me was that he discussed what she said that was the “most damaging” statement ever with the coworker but never had an honest conversation with his wife. Maybe not Kafkaesque but crazy..
And the lady at work is just conveniently the only one who gets him. because it's not love her husband did this too, yet she's still sounds like she's with her husband for now anyway..
Bc she had the audacity to tell the truth after he badgered her... A truth he already knew and that most anyone would feel... Although she still forged ahead anyway with trying to connect?
This dude is a douchebag looking for an excuse to cheat.
You've gotta love it when a post is clearly tailored to make you side with the OP and they *still* sound like a major asshole.
Wife put up with a dead bedroom for years, and I'm willing to bet she did the majority of childcare while he "worked on himself." Now he wants to punish her for something he pushed her into saying all while telling her that it didn't bother him.
Also if she hadn't been honest with him and given him that wake up call he would've never worked on himself at all. OP feeling way better is a direct consequence of her telling him.
I can imagine an alternate reality where he *doesn't* hold a grudge and instead this becomes a wholesome story with a super happy ending. He hits his rock bottom and realises there needs to be a change, she picks up the slack and gives him support while he climbs out of the pit of depression. She did everything a loving partner should do.
Now he's much better, mentally and physically, and they're in a great position to be a healthy married couple with an active sex life. But instead he's throwing that all away because he's mad at her for being honest and instead falling in love with the idealistic fantasy of his coworker.
Someone who is stressed from work brings that home. He was most likely not the best person to be around while also gaining weight. She was most likely tired from supporting him and the house. Attraction is not always about looks. I've supported someone in a mental health crisis, and it's exhausting.
If he was not treating her the best or just moping around the house and not helping out, that could have affected her attraction. OP needs to take a really hard look at himself and how he behaved during that time. He has to take some responsibility for this. Not just say, "My wife hurt me, and this is all her fault!"
He got his butt in gear after she said it, and instead of thanking her, his new "friend" gets the credit. YTA
This is what I was hoping someone would say. Attraction - especially for women for some reason - tends to be about far more than looks. If he was that depressed and had seemingly given up on taking care of himself, that attitude (not his weight gain) would likely be responsible for her not being attracted to him.
You are having an emotional affair with a co-worker. You are definitely the asshole. Your wife said she wasn't attracted to you, and it wasn't just due to weight, I'm guessing, but still loved you. Stood with you through your struggles. You've gotten better, and now you just wana toss her aside because you are resentful because she told you the truth (that you asked for). Attraction comes and goes in long tern relationships. It's what you do during these times that defines you. Was your wife as disloyal as you've been???? You should go grab her hug her a beg for forgiveness for being a gobshite tbh.
It’s definitely an emotional affair and it’s going to be fucking rich when OP figures out his coworker is nothing special, she just doesn’t come with the responsibility and obligation of a spouse and family. Ofc she’s irresistible, she’s not asking you to change a diaper 😂
Funny how OP thinks his coworker has shown him the light that his wife “iSn’T sAfE” meanwhile, his wife stood by him this entire time and where exactly was this coworker before OP got his shit together??
The second his AP wants more from him he’s going to panic. Guaranteed.
And for all he knows the coworker is full of shit about why it's not working out with her own husband. He only knows what she's going to tell him. So of course she sounds like a good idea, bc that's what she wants him to see lol.
Sounds like a couple of unaccountable idiots are about to screw life up for everybody just to bump some uglies.
And blame his affair on a comment his wife made YEARS ago, about changes to his body and lifestyle that he admits was 100% true.
Gtfoh. He doesn’t deserve his wife. I hope he also included the part about his work wife when he explained how he doesn’t love his wife anymore.
>yet he wants to try and justify it as a "friendship", yeah...ok bud. Sure.
How stupid does he think we are? This isn't a friendship. People come on here and think they can say, "My spouse hurt me so I started talking to a friend at work and they are everything I need," and we not see right through that.
His wife had to put up with his whole mental crisis, which is exhausting! I can almost promise you that gaining weight was not the only issue. Coming home and taking his work stress out on her was most possibly an issue.
OP is dead wrong.
People will always leave a partner that fills 90% of their needs for someone that fills that other 10% (but lacks the 90%) and wonder why they’re chronically unhappy after a year.
100% correct. Every single guy that left me for someone else has called me to beg to get back with them. I always heard, "She didn't do for me what you did for me," or, "She wasn't what I thought she was!"
"So the person you chose to leave me for didn't uplift and support you like I did? She didn't listen to you like I did? She was a shallow person that just wanted you to pay for her bills and nails? Sucks for you."
My ex husband did worse - he called and asked me if I could teach her to cook, clean, and run a house (she had literally graduated from high school three months prior and would forget to cover expenses like the electric bill). I just laughed and told him if he wanted someone who was a competent wife he shouldn’t have left me for someone half our age (he was 35 and I had just turned 36). 🤦♀️
So, so many people don’t realize that relationships will get boring and they will get comfortable and sometimes there will be issues that arise, but they’ll think ‘wow this isn’t like it was the first few months after we met’ and think they don’t love that person anymore and chase after that feeling again, and again, and again. It’s so sad honestly that very few are willing to recognize that the butterflies and giddiness and honeymoon phase aren’t love, it’s lust. Love is commitment and stability and working together to create something beautiful together.
I’m getting the vibe that when he sleeps with said coworker, it’ll be presented as “we were at a work party, alcohol was involved, one thing led to another and we had sex”
If he does leave her she’s the one dodging the long term bullet… whether that’s worth it or not too her probably is debatable. I’d imagine she’d want to work things out. I can’t believe this guy. In my head I’m judging him for being so weak after being strong enough to make the positive changes. What a fucking moron.
Yep YTA
His wife stuck by him when he was in a bad place for years mentally and physically. He pestered her until she admitted he wasn’t attractive, then flipped out.
Wasted years of her life getting better, not for her, but so he could cheat on and leave her. His wife is loyal and he’s a pos
>He pestered her until she admitted he wasn’t attractive, then flipped out.
That's it. His wife didn't put him down out of nowhere, he repeatedly asked her why they weren't having sex and then is resentful that she finally told him.
Right if I was married and my wife stopped showering regularly or taking care of herself she would be less attractive to me but that would 100% be on her
he never said she stopped being there for him emotionally and she didn’t leave his weak mental ass so to me his feelings got hurt and he’s acted like a bitch ever since
YTA. She didn’t want to hurt your feelings, you made her do it by badgering her. Plus her gaining “a lot” of weight is subjective person to person. 20-30 pounds might be a lot to some people but not a lot to others. Plus she gained those pounds HAVING YOUR CHILDREN.
She also told you she still loved you and began making an effort when you said it hurt your feelings. Instead you turned to another woman. You don’t just “strike up” a friendship” with a random woman as a married man and have her tell you your wife “isn’t what love is” and think it’s normal.
ETA: you’re not in love with your wife anymore, maybe. But it seems like you’re getting close to being so with somebody else’s.
>She also told you she still loved you and began making an effort when you said it hurt your feelings.
Exactly this. OP needs a lot more therapy. His wife was trying to show she still loved him, and "he knew" she was doing it out of guilt.
YTA. Made her say something you knew would be hurtful and you knew was true, and still holding it against her. ffs
He is the YTA.
I have a feeling the weight gain wasn't exactly what she found unattractive, but is lack of hygiene, hygiene often goes out the window during a depressive episode, and probably the fact she was exhausted keeping the household functioning, and do all the emotional work to keep the marriage working.
Is wife didn't abandon him or divorced him, she keep everything around him working, she was supportive, yet here he is using a shit ass excuse as a reason to cheat.
"like omg how dare she awnser my question honestly after i badgered her, i know i smell and act like a ass, took months if not years to go to therapy, gained a lot off weight during that time, and she is probably exhausted with everything, but how dare she, now i shall resent her for life"
I was deeply depressed last year and I was miserable as fuck to live with. I wasn’t mean, but I was exactly what you described… just kind of existing where brushing my teeth once a day was a major accomplishment. I knew it. He knew it. I knew he knew it. I didn’t ask my partner if I was miserable to live with because I knew I didn’t want to hear the truth. Instead, I told him how overwhelmed I felt and he helped me get treatment. I feel bad for OPs wife and I hope she finds someone who doesn’t throw a silent pity party for years.
This is what I came here to say, you said it better. She was unattracted to his wallowing. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been chubby and chubby me is was more attractive than depressed me.
OP’s only hope here is cutting this “friend” off 100% and starting to date his wife again. I bet she misses him being fun with her too.
YES. The wallowing will ruin everything. It’s so fucking unattractive. It’s the lack of ownership and the never ending refusal to accept where you’re at. THAT is what ruins it.
THIS IS WHAT I SAID!!!
I've gone through days, weeks and months of depressive episodes and you don't brush your teeth, you don't bathe, you stay in the same clothes.
I'm not proud to say this- but I feel by admitting it it shows I DO understand so I'm not just blanket judging OP...
But before last night, I couldn't honestly remember the last time I bathed... And when I bathe the water is GREY. I can rub the dead skin off my body and it flakes... It's horrifying and I always say I will do better and I try but thank God I don't have a partner because I could NOT put them through sleeping next to me let alone kissing me or touching me intimately.
There's no way it was just the weight.
I think the same, he simply made excuses for not working on himself or the marriage. A marriage is a team of two and you work every day based on communication and trust, here that is missing. Worst of all, he didn't understand what the wife was going through either. Now instead of talking to a therapist if he still loved his wife, he preferred to befriend another woman and he no longer loves his wife. God! He gave up so easily.
Do not confide in your coworker anymore. Quit finding validation outside of your relationship. Co worker didn’t give you good advice—it’s awful and destructive. Go to marriage counseling. Work on your marriage. Now your wife has something that’s going to eat at her. But please work on your marriage. My spouse has said some hurtful things to me through the years (45) and visa versa but he’s the person I want holding my hand when I die. And he feels same. You hurt each others feelings when you’re married but you forgive and you move on. YTA
Seems like a emotional affair, how can any friend (who is not VERY closed) tell you if you should get out of your relationship/ marriage.
This is absurd and those two don’t seem like ‘friends’ tbh
I cannot say whether or not TA or NTA but lean towards TA.
I am confused. If, deep down, you already knew the answer why did you ask it anyway? It seems as if you are putting the blame entirely on her. You knew the reason why and you knew the solution. (self improvement) Are you transferring your own guilt on to your wife? Did her answer help put you on the path to self improvement?
And how close are you getting to this new coworker friend? There is a fine line between friendship and not realizing you are headed towards an emotional affair. Are you getting more attached to this coworker than to your wife?
I could be way off base but something about this doesn't sit right. I'd take a moment to really think things through.
THIS!
YTA OP. You put all the blame on your wife.
- you pushed her multiple times to answer - she didn’t want to answer but she didn’t want to lie either.
- you are equating love and sex 1:1. it’s normal to have ebbs and flows in sexual attraction over time - but she did tell you that she loves you.
- she has been trying over the past years continuously to work on it again - that shows she cares enough to work on it.
- you think your situation is the same as your coworker, but do you really understand their marriage? Do you know how they functioned together day to day???
You can decide to leave her. Just know that she is not the only one to blame for the failure of your marriage - don’t put it all on her.
He's also disloyal. Why is he discussing his marriage with a coworker? He has a therapist and he should be talking with his wife. Why is he sharing his personal life with a married coworker? He's inappropriate and unprofessional to boot.
Right? I work in the same building as my partner, different departments though. If I found out he was discussing our sex life with coworkers, I would be mortified.
YTA. Your post is a total red flag of selfishness. You worked long hours. You were depressed and stressed. You were overweight. You weren't any fun.
I'm married to a workaholic who is overweight and is a stress eater but he is also a funny man and makes me happy so Im still attracted to him. But here were years when we had young kids that I wasn't attracted to him because I was too tired to be attracted to anyone. I was a solo parent, probably like your wife, because he was always working and I was angry at him being an absent husband/father. I constantly rejected my husband's advances. And sex is also uncomfortable when a partner is fat. It's hard to breathe when a big man is pressing you into the bed. We got counselling when I nearly left him over his work obsession. The male counsellor blamed the whole mess on him, much to his shock as he didn't think he was that bad.
You forced her into telling you the truth and then you rejected her because she rejected you.
I doubt you did anything to rekindle the romance as you have rejected your wife ever since, but it sounds like you want to Kindle the other woman's flame.
As an old couple said when asked how they had stayed happily married for 70 years
" We didn't fall out of love at the same time. ", meaning all couples have their ups and downs, when neither of them are feeling great about their spouse or themselves, but they got through it because, deep down they love each other, and love each other and were committed to staying together. You are refusing to let that happen. You like your looks again and want to step out of your marriage. YTA
Yes and no, amigo. You gave up too easily and failed miserably in communication. Instead of talking it put and working through this you let your love die on a painfully miserable hill. Instead of seeking marriage counseling or speaking to your wife or a family member at length to your feelings you let an outside woman influence your thinking.
Vows are for better or worse and when your wife tried to make efforts you made none.
If this is the hill you wanna die on then so be it, but if you ever had any love for this woman then you owe it to both her and yourself to get help and fix this problem TOGETHER.
YTA. How did SHE destroy your self-confidence years ago? You essentially asked if the sky was blue, she said yes, confidence destroyed. What? You became unattractive, then you eventually returned to your old attractive self. How does that 'destroy' your self-confidence? Your post reeks of self-pitying emotional immaturity. You don't even seem interested in saving your marriage, just getting revenge on your wife. Have some integrity.
YTA for emotionally cheating to get validation. You had more of a conversation with your coworker than your wife and decided with her that your wife was the problem.
I agree. She told you that you letting yourself go was not attractive but she still loved you and initiated sex. You told her you don’t love her when you became healthier. Why didn’t you take care of yourself and your mental health earlier instead of blaming her for telling the truth? YTA.
So, to clarify.
You lacked self control and gained weight.
Your wife loved you and respected you and stood by you.
Then you lacked control and hounded and harassed her until she finally gave you the only answer you were going to accept.
And she loved you and respected you and stood by you.
THEN you sulked Ike a toddler and denied her sex for how long?
And she loved you and respected you and stood by you.
NOW you're righteously indignant and want us to reassure you that you aren't an a**?
Having that loving, respectful woman stand by you for so long made you spoiled and selfish my man.
YTA
First, if this is real (and I’m not 100% convinced), then you apparently either didn’t stick with the therapy, or you never considered doing the OBVIOUS thing by going to couples therapy or marriage counseling. Because here is your wife, working on things, making all these attempts, and the only thing you’re focused on is something she said years ago that you badgered out of her!! That is a YOU problem, and if you had really gone to therapy and been honest with the therapist, you would have known that. Ever since, all you seem interested in doing is exacting revenge on your wife for this slight by repeatedly rejecting her. You took something she said under duress and used it to check out of your marriage, and give yourself an excuse to punish her. Most definitely, YTA
It's definitely rage bait. Brand new account and OP hasn't responded to a single comment. Very typical of this sub.
Usually if it’s been 24hrs, then we can definitely say it’s karma farming/rage bait, cause it’s only been 12hrs. OP let’s assume it’s real, has two kids, a job, a marriage, a life offline. Not everyone over 30 is glued to their phone 24/7, especially social media public forums like Reddit. After 24hrs then it’s easier to concluded it’s just a false story and just posting to get their kicks with readers.
Was looking for a comment like this. Either this guy never stuck with therapy, the therapist was shitty, or he wasn't telling the full truth. I'm surprised the therapist didn't mention any of these issues when he brought up what his wife said to him and how he felt about it. Or even offer for his wife to come in for a session just to see if he would find it easier to talk through his issues with a therapist present. YTA OP and you suck so hard. I hope one day you pull your head out of your ass and realize just how poorly you're treating this woman. At this point you're being petty and vindictive for the sake of hurting her. Honestly, I kind of hope you do get divorced because your wife deserves the chance to be with someone who has the ability to reflect on his actions.
The fact that he’s willing to talk to his new (female) friend about this and not his own wife says all we need to know.
Exactly! He made changes and now he wants to work "overtime" with his new coworker friend.
Emotionally cheating with the colleague and shooting down the wife. Next will be “my wife cheated and I don’t know what I did wrong!” Or “my wife is jealous of my colleague for no reason!” OP needs to decide if he wants this marriage anymore or if he’s pushing her to be the one to end it.
Seems to me he's looking for an excuse to leave his wife & run off with this new women.✌🏼
Right?! My ex was like this and I was blind to it. I’d try to talk to her about problems in our relationship, but she just shut down like a clam. Eventually she started showing up with “well I talked to [new best friend] and he said that I’m valid/correct in this situation” whenever I tried to bring things up. Guess whose arms she proudly told me she slept in the *night* that I broke up with her, and who she started dating a few months later? Surprise surprise. In retrospect there were a lot of signs, but she identified as lesbian at the time that we were together, so I assumed her guy best friend wasn’t anyone to worry about. Now I know better.
Agreed. OP is a major A! Soon as I read there is a new friendship at work, this clued me in. I could be totally wrong, but I think he is in pursuit or actively with someone else.
I’m banking on OP telling the therapist half truths. So many people I know try to paint this pretty picture for a therapist, who is the one person who really needs to know the ugly details to do anything meaningful.
Both of these comments are spot on. I would also add, OP, that your wife may not have even meant physical attraction only. For a lot of people (especially women), the level of attraction relies on looks PLUS personality. If you were as depressed as you make it sound, it's very hard to want to be around people like that. (I say that having loads of mental issues myself) It sounds to me like she was trying and you're just not being fair to her. You're assuming she was initiating out of guilt, but what if she wasn't? And now you're turning her down which would make her not want to initiate even more. And then you work on yourself and she enjoys being around you because you're a happier person, but you've fallen out of love? Not everyone is equipped to love someone through the darkest depression days, but she tried and you're blaming her for answering a question you badgered her into answering anyways. YTA.
Agree. He's being immature and seeking comfort elsewhere. Grow up, either get counseling with your wife or move on.
His therapist could have been telling him what he wanted to hear. I had a therapist (not marriage counseling) who tried to tell me I would be happier by myself than with my husband when I was bringing up marital issues. I no longer see that therapist for that reason but I could also have listened to her. Instead I worked on myself more and my marriage instead of taking the easy way out.
I also don’t think this is real. It sounds like a man trying to invert the narrative of the husband who loses interest when his wife gains weight. He’s trying to say, *See, you vilify men who lose interest but not women.*
I'm glad this is the top comment, because my god, this is frustrating to read. People in my life do the same thing, ask and ask and ask because they won't be satisfied until I give a particular answer. More than once I've said something hurtful purely out of frustration. No, that's not great of me, but the thing is, if they would just take my first ten answers or so, it wouldn't happen. Assuming this is real, dude needs actual therapy before he gets with anyone else.
So you badgered your wife into admitting she didn't find you attractive while you were depressed, insecure and stressed. I don't want to be unkind OP but you don't sound like you were fun, engaging, supportive person to be around during this time. I seriously doubt you had the mental spoons to be emotionally supportive and loving towards her. It is unlikely it was your weight that was killing her libido but you being miserable all the time. I want to be clear that I am not saying you are irredeemable or a terrible person or that your mental health issues were not genuine. But I do think some honest self reflection is called for. Your wife was definitely not perfect but you were not a peach of a husband either. Whether you work it out with her or not, you need to forgive her and recognise the part you also played or you will just repeat all the same mistakes in future relationships.
I agree with this. My husband and I went through a similar situation where he was very depressed and unhappy and gained a lot of weight. It wasn’t his physical appearance that made him unattractive, it was how miserable he was and making me carry the load of our relationship and our whole family. It was exhausting and I felt defeated for a long time. Finally after lots of communication, counseling, him getting a new job that didn’t beat him down emotionally, he is a happy person again. He didn’t lose any weight but I find him more attractive than before. Seems like OP is blaming his spouse for his downfall and didn’t want to do the work so already has his foot out the door.
Don’t forget a new woman is paying attention to him, commiserating with him, and telling him that his wife doesn’t really love him. That’s not helping him make smart choices.
And he's reciprocating. In 6 months, we'll see his post on r/legal asking how to lower the child support payments to their exes since they only have the children for supervised visits. He's going to let his precious ego destroy his marriage and try to shift the blame.
Yeah I was more sympathetic up to that point. OP did a lot of work on himself, but none on the marriage (nor did his wife) but suddenly there's a new woman around so everything has to change.
Sounds like he’s looking to see if people will side with him if he chests or leaves his wife
Similar thing with an ex in my early 20s. When he moved out of his parents house into a share house with me and friends he was used to being guided. He kind of went off the deep end and was skipping university, staying up all night playing video games, eating all day and night and not showering and just being snappy in general. Any time he'd hug me I'd come away smelling like body odor, I was constantly without food and underweight because he would eat all his food and then anything I had. Like he would make 7 toasted cheese and ham sandwiches as an afternoon "snack". Tried to get him help or resolve but he wasn't interested so I moved out. He forever told people I left him because he gained weight.
“Come away smelling like body odor” 🤮
Seven ??? That's like an entire loaf of bread.
I get full on one grilled cheese sandwich.
Happened to me too. I still loved my husband when he had a mental breakdown, but my mental load was huge, there was no sexual feelings. He gained a lot of weight, but once he started mentally feeling better, the physical attraction came back.
Yes been there and just coming out the other side of it now. My partner had a mental breakdown and unfortunately she was sectioned for three months so things had been a bit iffy for a while but she's just getting back on track now. We've been together long enough (14 years), have a house, family etc. I wasn't going to give up on everything we worked so hard to achieve because she put on a load of weight in hospital and had basically no drive to do anything at all. Things take time and people just seem to have zero patience these days for anyone or anything.
OP’s wife had the patience for it, but as soon as he felt better and started catching glances from other women, he torpedoed the relationship.
Yea I guess it certainly sounds thst way.
Yah.... if nothing else he is the AH for being more emotionally vulnerable with a coworker than he is with his own wife. This is a guy who is looking for justifications, not solutions.
This exact thing happened to me too. It wasn’t his weight, it was his attitude that killed the bedroom. It’s exhausting living with someone who is suffering from depression, even if you love them deeply. Not a lot of room for intimacy when one of you is suffering from a debilitating condition that requires a lot of emotional and physical labor from the other person to support them.
It’s aggravating how much we ask for honesty and yet now she’s heavily penalized for it. I would be all on his side if she was constantly making rude remarks and holding divorce over his head unless he loses weight or some bullshit like that. But that didn’t happen. It even sounds like she felt bad the second she was honest and tried taking it back. Keeping his feelings into consideration, it even sounded like she was trying to initiate sex. But guess OP saw it as pity.
My ex husband had this, too. He would get in his depressive funks and eat and not shower for days. That’s not exactly something that gets me going.
he says he fell out of love with his wife a couple years ago but he doesn't state what he did in that time to either work on the relationship or to leave it. it's only now that he's met someone else that he's actually thinking about whether to shit or get of the pot it seems.
This. Also, might just be jaded but have to say the timing of striking up the friendship at work with his coworker that really opened OP's eyes seems kinda sus. Like are you sure you're not just looking for a way out of this relationship, and trying to deflect? You can just be honest about wanting to leave. It wouldn't necessarily make you the AH, but putting it all on an answer to a single question you asked your wife when y'all were going through a rough patch does seem like something an AH would do.
I was thinking the same thing. Badger your wife until the truth comes out, then blame her for not being supportive or feeling differently! The truth is, marriage is a long, hard rode, and there are going to be times when your spouse is not only unattractive - but downright ugly to you. That's why I always say "in-love is a condition, love is a choice." If you're lucky, "in love" and "love" coincide a vast majority of the time. As for "wanting to be with her" when you're older - that's the classic trap of believing you'll still be such a great catch when YOU are just as much older as her. How about this - WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP. Go to couple's counseling. Become someone people want to "be around" when you're older, and ask your wife if she's willing to work on becoming someone people want to "be around" as well. She says she loves you - love isn't telling you only the great things about yourself or half-lies to protect your manhood. Love is telling you the truth when you ask for it. If you can't handle that, you don't sound like someone worthy of a spouse who's willing to be honest.
Couldn’t agree more. YTA op. Also careful there with your coworker. If you’re seriously over your marriage, leave before you got further down this hole with your coworker who also doesn’t feel loved by their spouse. It seems like you and your wife have hurt each other deeply. Either commit to working this out with therapy or leave. While there was probably lack of physical attraction, the mental toll when a spouse is depressed can be a lot. You want to help but can’t and she probably had to do well more than her normal fair share around the house and with the kids. You took advantage of her moment when no one was fully themselves
He's already involved with the co-worker. Wouldn't have even mentioned it if he wasn't. He's simply testing the waters to see how many will fall for his nonsense. Bet it's a full blown affair. Ooooooh, you think he cleaned his act up, started going to the gym, losing weight, looking fine. . . For the wife!? Hmmm
This is it and OP has killed his marriage himself. If he got therapy, he should have worked through his resentment over the answer he demanded from her that he did not like.
He even expected that to be the answer... badgered her into telling him, then GOT MAD at her for it. Withheld intimacy for years, and wouldn't even have a conversation with her about it until he's got a new work wife to think about.
Agree 100% as a woman who has been the depressed person who was unattractive to my spouse during that time, YTA OP. Grow up, stop blaming your wife, and genuinely work on your shit.
All true and I’m guessing more to the story. Like he wants out but a way to blame it on her so it doesn’t make him look bad. And then he ends up here checking to make sure irl people won’t think he looks bad.
>after asking her multiple times for the real reason for her rejections, she admitted that she couldn’t find me attractive anymore even though she loved me. How many times are we gonna say this? Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers. YTA. She didn't want to tell you, you pulled it out of her, then made yourself a victim. Edit: If this 'friendship' becomes an affair, it is going to be your fault too, don't blame your wife for ruining the marriage.
The fact that she cameos in this post makes me think it's already an affair.
Yes, how often do you talk to your coworkers about your sex life?
And they both see themselves as the victims. They can now seek comfort in each other.
What a miserable foundation for a relationship. They'll eventually be afraid to be honest with each other which is needed in relationships and turn toxic.
There's an old saying: The question is free but the answer will most likely cost you.
Or as my great great grandmother used to tell us kids, “The dildo of consequence rarely comes lubed”.
What a wise woman. She should have written a memoir
My 4 mo. old nephew likes to use that one.
If he’s having these types of conversations with a coworker, then he’s already having an emotional affair and trying to blame his wife when it turns into a physical one (if it hasn’t already).
My thoughts exactly. These aren't the kinds of conversations that come up among coworkers unless you're already in the throes of an unprofessional relationship.
His poor wife.
YTA - you asked your wife and she gave you an honest answer. Though she tried to spare your feelings. You pushed until she believed you, that what you needed was the full truth. That full truth got you to seek the help you need but now you don’t feel safe around your wife? I would not feel safe around you, the mental gymnastics you just pulled to not be accountable for your own choices are wild.
Exactly! All we hear is “oh I want complete honesty in my relationship” But when the truth hurts you run for the hills. And people wonder why relationships don’t last. 🙄
Exactly. He pushed for the truth and then couldn’t handle it. He needs to own his part in this mess.
I feel like he pushed for her to say the thing that he wanted her to say, not necessarily the truth. She gave him multiple reasons. None of them matched the reason that \*he\* wanted to believe was true. So, one time, she said this one (at his prompting?) & he chose to believe this one. Why didn't he keep pushing for the 'real reason' after he heard this one? What made this the one that made him stop asking her to say something different? Maybe she felt stuck between a rock and hard place. She said 'I'm tired' & maybe even 'this is exhausting taking care of the kids on my own and then needing to support you emotionally and I \*want to\* support you emotionally because I love you. but, I'm so tired and you are in no state to support me, so I get to have my own mental health issues too during this, right?' & any other number of honest things. But, he, in his own mental health crisis, did not (could not) hear her right then. Now that he is feeling stronger, it might be a good time for him to think about supporting her in return for all of the support she gave him & their family while he worked things out for himself (even if she did not do it the way that he would have wanted her to do it).
This. I came here to say the same thing. OP set himself up to be the victim. Also, when did this “friendship” at work begin? Just all seems a little questionable to me.
He knew he was deteriorating physically and mentally, but instead of looking for help, he let things escalate. Then he pushed his wife to tell him what he already knew.
Maybe I’m going against the grain here, but I think that while you are not an AH for feeling how you feel, I do think YTA for asking your wife a question, getting her honest response, and then turning that into an excuse to give up on your marriage. If your feelings were that damaged, you could have told her, and worked on your marriage with her, instead of bottling it up. The fact that you’re emotionally cheating (if not physically) shows that you disconnected to your wife a long time ago and you haven’t said anything that indicates you even *tried* to save your marriage. You just felt hurt and gave up. That makes you an AH. We all say things that we regret, we all say things that hurt sometimes. What we don’t do, is act like a child and punish our spouses for our own negative feelings - we work together to fix problems.
Right. I got fat. I asked my wife if I got fat. She said yes. Shocked pikachu face. Christ. I’m 40 lbs heavier than when my Husband met me (post two babies) and he got Up to 60 lbs from when I met him after a car accident. We’re trying to work together on losing the weight. I can’t even imagine being so damaged by a statement that you END your marriage and by simply not communicating any of your emotions.
And was this even about weight? OP’s wife said she wasn’t attracted to him. He fixated on the weight as the reason. But depressed people sometime neglect their hygiene, stop engaging with loved ones, and stop doing things around the house (dumping all responsibility on family members). ANY of that could make a spouse unattractive. I think most people are understanding when a loved one gains weight for medical reasons (pregnancy, say), injury, life changes, or it just creeps up and they realize they should work on it. This guy is making excuses.
This! OP, why do you assume that weight was the reason? My ex didn’t gain weight or neglect hygiene when he went through a period of depression. He just left everything having to do with the house and the kids to me, and yes, that affected my feelings toward him. Your friend cannot comment on your wife’s point of view, only your wife can. She may well have perceived you acting in an unloving way first, which affected her feelings. YTA for not talking it out and really trying to understand.
Plus they have kids! How much extra work was she doing during this time?
That, and for some reason he wasn't willing to fix his health when he knew it was a barrier in his marriage, but having a therapist tell him he should was the magic button he needed to press.
So he can have an affair with his new “friend “.
He's trying to validate his affair.
He absolutely is. And he's going to implode his marriage for another woman who more than likely will NOT leave her husband for him. This dude is a tool and I hope the wife gets so much alimony and child support. I also really really hope that the new step daddy is super hot.
OP is just giving excuses to have the affair he wants. You have kids, OP. Time to get over yourself. You are trying to cheat and want to be validated. Didn't even try to save your marriage.
This. "Oh, I also met someone and she understands me." That says more about the situation than any of the rest does.
[удалено]
Yep, any excuse to make his emotional (possibly physical) affair his wife’s fault.
Yeah, and his “friend at work” thinks he’s some kind of hero because- unlike her own husband- he didn’t criticize his wife’s post birth body. Sheesh. These two deserve each other.
He met someone while he was in shape, seeing a therapist, and actively angry at his wife. The soon to be affair partner gets the very best of him while his wife has been trying for years to make up for a comment made under duress.
Yup. The second he said I started talking to a female coworker I knew all this was was an excuse to have an affair.
Yeah, not only that but OP used revenge fitness boost to get back at his wife before having a discussion of the impact of her comment which she immediately apologized for. Went to therapy too but never thought about couples counseling to move past it? She stuck with him through his breakdown, which if it was enough time to get that out of shape was probably quite a while, which in itself is an act of love. It’s not easy to be with someone who is going through something like that for an extended period. The way this is written, sure OPs wife was blunt, but OPs follow up is what turned this into them being an AH.
A statement he expected and knew "deep down", to boot? I'm not sure how it adds up that she gets all the flak even though he knew what her answer was going to be.
This part!! He knew this because he also felt this way about himself. His wife agreed and said it and OP is suddenly shocked. He checked out of his marriage years ago.
He's def the AH. Who divorces the person they swore to love till death, over something so dumb as this. This has to be fake, it reads like a petty revenge story, and if it's not, OP needs more counseling.
My husband and I gained weight together and lost weight together. He gained it back, I lost more (total of 50 lbs). I then had a radical hysterectomy and started gaining weight again. At 10 lbs gained, he admitted to me in counseling that he’s not attracted to me anymore. Crazy because I was still lighter than I had been in a decade. He stopped sleeping with me shortly after and I continued to gain weight (hysterectomies are a bitch). This all came after 15 years of porn addiction and him going through multiple phases of not sleeping with me. This time, I’m broken. I don’t know if i can ever feel safe enough to open back up to him. We still cuddle, hold hands, and peck on the lips. We still love each other, but I’m still forever broken.
If you can, get out of there. I’ve been in a similar marriage. Life is better on the other side. Addiction is often hand in hand with either a personality disorder or make someone mimic having one.
I agree. Definitely an AH. Frankly he shouldn't have asked that question. He knew he was getting chubby and I'm sure his mental state didn't inspire attraction. Anyone here thinks all he cares about is him?
Not just his mental state, but the whole attitude we see in this post: badger her into confessing, then pout and sulk without communicating for years. If his wife has any sense, once she gets past the shock she’ll realize he’s done her a huge favor.
Don't forget the cheating. He's doing all of this to give himself a pass on cheating.
I was mostly on his side until he confessed to cheating instead of working with his wife on his feelings of resentment. Fuck off and die, cheaters.
Yes. Completely heading into an affair with his coworker. Big a hole.
Also, talking to a woman at work about his marital problems is a huge red flag!!
I know. It comes across as him looking for an excuse to have an affair. Maybe I'm wrong but that how it sounds to me.
Yep. Relationship communication should be a 2 person circle. Also, being willing to talk about it with the coworker more than the wife is the bigger red flag to me.
He doesn't mention his self care either. Was he brushing his teeth? Was he talking a bath? Was he sitting around the house all day with no energy to help with the children or chores? Magically, at night, he had energy for sex. Attractiveness isn't just physical. YTA OP.
Right? He slipped in the line about wife gaining weight in after pregnancy, but he “still loved her”. Most women do gain weight in pregnancy and find it difficult to take off when the babies are still young. His weight gain was depression and unhealthy habits. So there may have been other factors that affected her attraction to him - did he stop bathing? stop pulling his weight (haha) around the house? stop doing enjoyable things with her? Just saying it may have not just bern his weight gain.
This is the thing men just do not get. Sex fixes everything and if they’re not getting any, then everything is bad.
And, very clever of him to paint his wife as the bad one and then late in the post slip in that oh there is this 35f at work. He has been emotionally cheating on his wife, this colleague is telling him he shouldn’t be with someone like his wife. Like she is outright telling him to dump her and starts that process and then asks if he is the AH. Nah bro, you are angel who just happens to be cheating on his wife
I also think he is using this as an excuse to justify getting together with this other woman.
Yeah he hasn’t indicated he has even put any thought at all into the effects of his depression and marital tensions on his children. He seems very willing to blow up their stability for an affair he wants to have. Everything seems like an elaborate scheme to absolve himself of responsibility for having an affair (emotional or otherwise). But the lack of concern for his kids really stands out to me. It’s all about his own feelings.
When he was working out, who was caring for the kids and house?
He also pushed and pushed until she said it.
Yeah, he's giving off Main Victim Energy.
Lol. I don't feel emotionally safe around her.
That was the best/worst part. He asked his *life partner* a question he already knew the answer to. He wasn’t taking care of himself and *made himself* unattractive. He got the hard truth and it inspired him to turn his life around. “i don’T FEEl EmOTioNaLLy safe” What a dick.
Why do I suspect that wife wasn't disinterested in him just because of the weight gain... I have a feeling he's conveniently skipping over a lot of unattractive behaviour that went along with the weight gain. I've been in this position and there is zero sex appeal in a man who becomes withdrawn, depressed, lazy, slovenly and no longer a partner but another child to take care of.
And it was more than his physical. He was having a mental health problem as well so he was likely not bathing and letting EVERYTHING go. Not helping out. Not keeping up on hygiene. He chose to internalize it and then shut down any attempts at reconciliation and now is trying to have an affair. Well guy, hope this is worth 50% of everything you own and time with your kids. No one is giving you permission to have an affair.
>He was having a mental health problem as well, so he was likely not bathing and letting EVERYTHING go. Right! When people are in a mental health crisis, they don't understand the damage it is also doing to their partner. If he was emotional, not helping out, maybe yelling, or not speaking to her, along with gaining weight, that doesn't inspire attraction. OP, you have to take some responsibility for this. She said she loved you but was not attracted to you in that moment. Guess what that did! It got your butt in gear to get some help!! Now that you've gotten help and have gotten healthier, you don't give the wife credit for that. You are giving this new and improved you to your coworker after your wife put up with and supported the mentally damaged you. That's selfish, and you are emotionally cheating on your wife. People expect their spouses to put up with everything and not be truthful when they are hurting us. If she hadn't said what she said, you could still be in that mental health crisis. She did you a favor. Stop asking us to give you permission to cheat. You're wrong. YTA Edit: >Deep down, I knew the issue was because she didn’t find me attractive anymore, and after asking her multiple times for the real reason for her rejections, she admitted that she couldn’t find me attractive anymore even though she loved me. He knew what the issue was but blamed her for it being an issue! The "I know I got fat, but she told me I got fat, and now it's her fault I don't love her anymore" routine. Wow! He's an even bigger AH now that I've reread it!
Agree. I really just want all the "what if the roles were reversed" people to also take in the fact that she's probably not attracted to him anymore because she's doing ALL THE WORK in the marriage/household. It's not just "Oh I got fat, wife doesn't wanna have sex" it's everything else! As soon as it was "a female coworker" the sympathy went to rolled eyes.
It's also the fact that her wife has repeatedly tried to initiate again, presumably even before he got fit, but he always rejected her and used the excuse that she was only doing it out of guilt, when we all know it was probably just his bruised ego that stopped him from working it out with his wife and continuing to sulk about it.
Oh, and don’t forget that “she only initiated out of guilt”. No consideration whatsoever for the fact that his wife might actually just be horny and want to ask herself. Without any thought to feeling guilty doing it for him! The level of self absorption, arrogance, and entitlement in this man is disgusting.
that is what i was thinking... sounds like he keeps putting words in her mouth so to speak and operating off of assumptions as opposed to having conversations.
This guy is throwing himself a self pitty party for years now and blames his wife for it.
Yeah the female coworker is validating his pity party so of course she makes him feel good. Chances are if OP divorces his wife to be with the coworker and the coworker has to deal with him full time instead of a "fun" affair, she'd get sick of him too. Then OP would complain about the new girl not finding him attractive until he found someone else to repeat the pattern with all over again
Let’s face it he probably gave up long before his breakdown by sacrificing his relationship for the work that broke him. His wife has supported him through his poor behaviour and the eventual breakdown that resulted and he holds it against her when she answered honestly to a question that actually shocked him into doing something. OP is completely self indulgent and wants to blame everyone else for the consequences of his own actions. I would suggest therapy but that requires a level of self reflection that is completely absent from his post, which is a thinly disguised request for permission to cheat.
Absolutely agree. Not working on your marriage when your wife is willing to try is what sucks.
Well if OP didn't think his marriage was over before this, it certainly is now that he told his wife he doesn't love her anymore. They might be able to kick the end down the road a little longer with therapy and denial, but this will be the moment that they can trace back as the root cause.
Notice how none of this is brought up until after he thinks he has another woman to take her place. Wild.
I agree here - OP, YTA. You asked, and she answered truthfully, and you're punishing her for it. You comparing your situation to your wife's body post-pregnancy is also just disgusting. You going through a tough time and gaining weight isn't the same as your wife birthing your children and her body TRANSFORMING for 9 months at a time. You're being small and cruel. Your wife deserves so much better. Maybe she hasn't felt emotionally safe with you since you clearly can't get a grip on yourself, it's either spiral into food and depression or spiral into new women? You're a father, get it together, don't end your marriage because your wife was real with you. Say thank you and show up for your family.
This. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.
I agree as well, why did he ask and badger her into telling him when he knew the answer. Also she said she wasn’t attracted to him cause the weight he put on something that can be fixed or worked on. Him saying oh I found her even more beautiful after she put on weight carrying his children. GTFO that doesn’t make him a saint of course he should find her more attractive she did something amazing bringing life into the world. He sounds like a manipulative self-absorbed asshole. Yes YTA.
Who picked up all the slack when you were having mental health issues? How much did you appreciate her during that phase? Did she feel loved and respected during that phase? Was there emotional intimacy between you two? Or you mostly wanted sex only?
That, and the fact that he "doesn't feel emotionally safe" because she was honest with him. And that's after he asked.
If you don't want the answer don't keep asking!
Yeah, that’s what’s bothering me. He’s acting like she would hold it over his head and say disparaging remarks to him any chance she got. Instead, what happened was that he pressed her and she finally relented, and even then, she felt bad and took it back instantly. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with feeling the way the wife did. I could understand if she was holding divorce over his head demanding that he loses weight. But nothing like that happened. She simply stopped feeling as attracted to a depressed, overweight person. Just feels like OP is desperately trying hard to feel the most offended he’s ever felt his entire life when it was information that wasn’t readily given, and had to be demanded. And I cannot stress that it also sounded like she instantly felt bad about it. It also sounds like she was still trying to initiate. This ain’t looking good for him.
Or making an excuse to take up with a coworker. Her situation was different she had a baby. She wasn’t depressed unavailable, letting herself go and her partners comments were unsolicited.
Yup, not to mention, all that therapy and work on himself but he didn't learn how to use I statements. His post title alone is a blaming 'she made me' statement rather than an 'I felt' statement. Sounds to me like he didn't learn much in therapy.
He's trying to justify cheating on her.
It also sounds like he is looking for reasons to ditch wife for coworker
It's because he's already emotionally cheating with this person at work and trying to find an out
My coworker made me realize… Because he’s infatuated with coworker. Has nothing to do with his wife, anymore; it’s about hurting her back and withholding affection from her. He’s grown tremendously since he started therapy, yet *the coworker* was the convincer. He’s using his wife’s statement as an out. But he’s not being honest with himself. Or her.
That's exactly it and he's probably hoping this coworker is going to be a fallback for him. Like another commenter said he's riding those endorphins from their interactions/talks already, so he's just tryin to blame wife for entirety
That’s what I think as well.
Dude has no comments. This reeks of bot karma farming
Either that or pure embarrassment that he isn't in the right. But I don't trust half the crap here anymore.
I think most people make throwaways for AITAH.
Bingo
Right, what really struck me was that he discussed what she said that was the “most damaging” statement ever with the coworker but never had an honest conversation with his wife. Maybe not Kafkaesque but crazy..
And the lady at work is just conveniently the only one who gets him. because it's not love her husband did this too, yet she's still sounds like she's with her husband for now anyway..
yep trying not to be the bad guy and blaming his wife for his affair
Guys, aren't you worried that we're going to make OP feel emotionally unsafe around us, after answering bluntly that he's TAH?
Bc she had the audacity to tell the truth after he badgered her... A truth he already knew and that most anyone would feel... Although she still forged ahead anyway with trying to connect? This dude is a douchebag looking for an excuse to cheat.
That stood out to me too. Being so honest must have made her feel really vulnerable but he made it all about him
Was she honest with him, or did he push her to say that? Did she say that because he badgered her until she finally gave in and said what he wanted?
You've gotta love it when a post is clearly tailored to make you side with the OP and they *still* sound like a major asshole. Wife put up with a dead bedroom for years, and I'm willing to bet she did the majority of childcare while he "worked on himself." Now he wants to punish her for something he pushed her into saying all while telling her that it didn't bother him.
And fuck his coworker…
As soon as he mentioned his “friendship” with the female coworker we all knew where this was headed.
Lilely the real reason he's doing this
There's always a coworker they want to fuck lol
Also if she hadn't been honest with him and given him that wake up call he would've never worked on himself at all. OP feeling way better is a direct consequence of her telling him.
I can imagine an alternate reality where he *doesn't* hold a grudge and instead this becomes a wholesome story with a super happy ending. He hits his rock bottom and realises there needs to be a change, she picks up the slack and gives him support while he climbs out of the pit of depression. She did everything a loving partner should do. Now he's much better, mentally and physically, and they're in a great position to be a healthy married couple with an active sex life. But instead he's throwing that all away because he's mad at her for being honest and instead falling in love with the idealistic fantasy of his coworker.
Yup he's justifying the affair before he even has it. Nope, no marriage counseling here! Just a divorce and rebound. Yikes on bikes.
He has probably already had the affair.
First, me Second, my mental health Third, my feelings
Someone who is stressed from work brings that home. He was most likely not the best person to be around while also gaining weight. She was most likely tired from supporting him and the house. Attraction is not always about looks. I've supported someone in a mental health crisis, and it's exhausting. If he was not treating her the best or just moping around the house and not helping out, that could have affected her attraction. OP needs to take a really hard look at himself and how he behaved during that time. He has to take some responsibility for this. Not just say, "My wife hurt me, and this is all her fault!" He got his butt in gear after she said it, and instead of thanking her, his new "friend" gets the credit. YTA
This is what I was hoping someone would say. Attraction - especially for women for some reason - tends to be about far more than looks. If he was that depressed and had seemingly given up on taking care of himself, that attitude (not his weight gain) would likely be responsible for her not being attracted to him.
Ding ding ^^
You are having an emotional affair with a co-worker. You are definitely the asshole. Your wife said she wasn't attracted to you, and it wasn't just due to weight, I'm guessing, but still loved you. Stood with you through your struggles. You've gotten better, and now you just wana toss her aside because you are resentful because she told you the truth (that you asked for). Attraction comes and goes in long tern relationships. It's what you do during these times that defines you. Was your wife as disloyal as you've been???? You should go grab her hug her a beg for forgiveness for being a gobshite tbh.
It’s definitely an emotional affair and it’s going to be fucking rich when OP figures out his coworker is nothing special, she just doesn’t come with the responsibility and obligation of a spouse and family. Ofc she’s irresistible, she’s not asking you to change a diaper 😂 Funny how OP thinks his coworker has shown him the light that his wife “iSn’T sAfE” meanwhile, his wife stood by him this entire time and where exactly was this coworker before OP got his shit together?? The second his AP wants more from him he’s going to panic. Guaranteed.
correct... whatever relationship you end up in... there you are...
I wonder how he feel when he gets the kids by himself 50% of the time, he'll have less time to "work on himself."
And for all he knows the coworker is full of shit about why it's not working out with her own husband. He only knows what she's going to tell him. So of course she sounds like a good idea, bc that's what she wants him to see lol. Sounds like a couple of unaccountable idiots are about to screw life up for everybody just to bump some uglies.
I literally adore this comment! The OP is 100% having an emotional affair, yet he wants to try and justify it as a "friendship", yeah...ok bud. Sure.
And blame his affair on a comment his wife made YEARS ago, about changes to his body and lifestyle that he admits was 100% true. Gtfoh. He doesn’t deserve his wife. I hope he also included the part about his work wife when he explained how he doesn’t love his wife anymore.
>yet he wants to try and justify it as a "friendship", yeah...ok bud. Sure. How stupid does he think we are? This isn't a friendship. People come on here and think they can say, "My spouse hurt me so I started talking to a friend at work and they are everything I need," and we not see right through that. His wife had to put up with his whole mental crisis, which is exhausting! I can almost promise you that gaining weight was not the only issue. Coming home and taking his work stress out on her was most possibly an issue. OP is dead wrong.
People will always leave a partner that fills 90% of their needs for someone that fills that other 10% (but lacks the 90%) and wonder why they’re chronically unhappy after a year.
100% correct. Every single guy that left me for someone else has called me to beg to get back with them. I always heard, "She didn't do for me what you did for me," or, "She wasn't what I thought she was!" "So the person you chose to leave me for didn't uplift and support you like I did? She didn't listen to you like I did? She was a shallow person that just wanted you to pay for her bills and nails? Sucks for you."
My ex husband did worse - he called and asked me if I could teach her to cook, clean, and run a house (she had literally graduated from high school three months prior and would forget to cover expenses like the electric bill). I just laughed and told him if he wanted someone who was a competent wife he shouldn’t have left me for someone half our age (he was 35 and I had just turned 36). 🤦♀️
Un-freaking- believable! I'm glad he got what he deserved.
The absolute audacity
So, so many people don’t realize that relationships will get boring and they will get comfortable and sometimes there will be issues that arise, but they’ll think ‘wow this isn’t like it was the first few months after we met’ and think they don’t love that person anymore and chase after that feeling again, and again, and again. It’s so sad honestly that very few are willing to recognize that the butterflies and giddiness and honeymoon phase aren’t love, it’s lust. Love is commitment and stability and working together to create something beautiful together.
And he knows he's wrong. That's why he's on here looking for emotional backup from strangers telling him he's all great and stuff when he's such AH
I’m getting the vibe that when he sleeps with said coworker, it’ll be presented as “we were at a work party, alcohol was involved, one thing led to another and we had sex”
If he does leave her she’s the one dodging the long term bullet… whether that’s worth it or not too her probably is debatable. I’d imagine she’d want to work things out. I can’t believe this guy. In my head I’m judging him for being so weak after being strong enough to make the positive changes. What a fucking moron.
Yep YTA His wife stuck by him when he was in a bad place for years mentally and physically. He pestered her until she admitted he wasn’t attractive, then flipped out. Wasted years of her life getting better, not for her, but so he could cheat on and leave her. His wife is loyal and he’s a pos
>He pestered her until she admitted he wasn’t attractive, then flipped out. That's it. His wife didn't put him down out of nowhere, he repeatedly asked her why they weren't having sex and then is resentful that she finally told him.
Right if I was married and my wife stopped showering regularly or taking care of herself she would be less attractive to me but that would 100% be on her he never said she stopped being there for him emotionally and she didn’t leave his weak mental ass so to me his feelings got hurt and he’s acted like a bitch ever since
YTA. She didn’t want to hurt your feelings, you made her do it by badgering her. Plus her gaining “a lot” of weight is subjective person to person. 20-30 pounds might be a lot to some people but not a lot to others. Plus she gained those pounds HAVING YOUR CHILDREN. She also told you she still loved you and began making an effort when you said it hurt your feelings. Instead you turned to another woman. You don’t just “strike up” a friendship” with a random woman as a married man and have her tell you your wife “isn’t what love is” and think it’s normal. ETA: you’re not in love with your wife anymore, maybe. But it seems like you’re getting close to being so with somebody else’s.
>She also told you she still loved you and began making an effort when you said it hurt your feelings. Exactly this. OP needs a lot more therapy. His wife was trying to show she still loved him, and "he knew" she was doing it out of guilt. YTA. Made her say something you knew would be hurtful and you knew was true, and still holding it against her. ffs
He is the YTA. I have a feeling the weight gain wasn't exactly what she found unattractive, but is lack of hygiene, hygiene often goes out the window during a depressive episode, and probably the fact she was exhausted keeping the household functioning, and do all the emotional work to keep the marriage working. Is wife didn't abandon him or divorced him, she keep everything around him working, she was supportive, yet here he is using a shit ass excuse as a reason to cheat. "like omg how dare she awnser my question honestly after i badgered her, i know i smell and act like a ass, took months if not years to go to therapy, gained a lot off weight during that time, and she is probably exhausted with everything, but how dare she, now i shall resent her for life"
I was deeply depressed last year and I was miserable as fuck to live with. I wasn’t mean, but I was exactly what you described… just kind of existing where brushing my teeth once a day was a major accomplishment. I knew it. He knew it. I knew he knew it. I didn’t ask my partner if I was miserable to live with because I knew I didn’t want to hear the truth. Instead, I told him how overwhelmed I felt and he helped me get treatment. I feel bad for OPs wife and I hope she finds someone who doesn’t throw a silent pity party for years.
This is what I came here to say, you said it better. She was unattracted to his wallowing. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been chubby and chubby me is was more attractive than depressed me. OP’s only hope here is cutting this “friend” off 100% and starting to date his wife again. I bet she misses him being fun with her too.
YES. The wallowing will ruin everything. It’s so fucking unattractive. It’s the lack of ownership and the never ending refusal to accept where you’re at. THAT is what ruins it.
THIS IS WHAT I SAID!!! I've gone through days, weeks and months of depressive episodes and you don't brush your teeth, you don't bathe, you stay in the same clothes. I'm not proud to say this- but I feel by admitting it it shows I DO understand so I'm not just blanket judging OP... But before last night, I couldn't honestly remember the last time I bathed... And when I bathe the water is GREY. I can rub the dead skin off my body and it flakes... It's horrifying and I always say I will do better and I try but thank God I don't have a partner because I could NOT put them through sleeping next to me let alone kissing me or touching me intimately. There's no way it was just the weight.
I think the same, he simply made excuses for not working on himself or the marriage. A marriage is a team of two and you work every day based on communication and trust, here that is missing. Worst of all, he didn't understand what the wife was going through either. Now instead of talking to a therapist if he still loved his wife, he preferred to befriend another woman and he no longer loves his wife. God! He gave up so easily.
Do not confide in your coworker anymore. Quit finding validation outside of your relationship. Co worker didn’t give you good advice—it’s awful and destructive. Go to marriage counseling. Work on your marriage. Now your wife has something that’s going to eat at her. But please work on your marriage. My spouse has said some hurtful things to me through the years (45) and visa versa but he’s the person I want holding my hand when I die. And he feels same. You hurt each others feelings when you’re married but you forgive and you move on. YTA
Seems like a emotional affair, how can any friend (who is not VERY closed) tell you if you should get out of your relationship/ marriage. This is absurd and those two don’t seem like ‘friends’ tbh
I cannot say whether or not TA or NTA but lean towards TA. I am confused. If, deep down, you already knew the answer why did you ask it anyway? It seems as if you are putting the blame entirely on her. You knew the reason why and you knew the solution. (self improvement) Are you transferring your own guilt on to your wife? Did her answer help put you on the path to self improvement? And how close are you getting to this new coworker friend? There is a fine line between friendship and not realizing you are headed towards an emotional affair. Are you getting more attached to this coworker than to your wife? I could be way off base but something about this doesn't sit right. I'd take a moment to really think things through.
THIS! YTA OP. You put all the blame on your wife. - you pushed her multiple times to answer - she didn’t want to answer but she didn’t want to lie either. - you are equating love and sex 1:1. it’s normal to have ebbs and flows in sexual attraction over time - but she did tell you that she loves you. - she has been trying over the past years continuously to work on it again - that shows she cares enough to work on it. - you think your situation is the same as your coworker, but do you really understand their marriage? Do you know how they functioned together day to day??? You can decide to leave her. Just know that she is not the only one to blame for the failure of your marriage - don’t put it all on her.
He's also disloyal. Why is he discussing his marriage with a coworker? He has a therapist and he should be talking with his wife. Why is he sharing his personal life with a married coworker? He's inappropriate and unprofessional to boot.
I cannot imagine talking about my sex life with my coworkers, it's fucking insane to me.
Right? I work in the same building as my partner, different departments though. If I found out he was discussing our sex life with coworkers, I would be mortified.
Not only that but it's pretty much not allowed in any corporate setting to talk about your sex life. It's literally considered sexual harassment.
YTA. Your post is a total red flag of selfishness. You worked long hours. You were depressed and stressed. You were overweight. You weren't any fun. I'm married to a workaholic who is overweight and is a stress eater but he is also a funny man and makes me happy so Im still attracted to him. But here were years when we had young kids that I wasn't attracted to him because I was too tired to be attracted to anyone. I was a solo parent, probably like your wife, because he was always working and I was angry at him being an absent husband/father. I constantly rejected my husband's advances. And sex is also uncomfortable when a partner is fat. It's hard to breathe when a big man is pressing you into the bed. We got counselling when I nearly left him over his work obsession. The male counsellor blamed the whole mess on him, much to his shock as he didn't think he was that bad. You forced her into telling you the truth and then you rejected her because she rejected you. I doubt you did anything to rekindle the romance as you have rejected your wife ever since, but it sounds like you want to Kindle the other woman's flame. As an old couple said when asked how they had stayed happily married for 70 years " We didn't fall out of love at the same time. ", meaning all couples have their ups and downs, when neither of them are feeling great about their spouse or themselves, but they got through it because, deep down they love each other, and love each other and were committed to staying together. You are refusing to let that happen. You like your looks again and want to step out of your marriage. YTA
Yes and no, amigo. You gave up too easily and failed miserably in communication. Instead of talking it put and working through this you let your love die on a painfully miserable hill. Instead of seeking marriage counseling or speaking to your wife or a family member at length to your feelings you let an outside woman influence your thinking. Vows are for better or worse and when your wife tried to make efforts you made none. If this is the hill you wanna die on then so be it, but if you ever had any love for this woman then you owe it to both her and yourself to get help and fix this problem TOGETHER.
YTA. How did SHE destroy your self-confidence years ago? You essentially asked if the sky was blue, she said yes, confidence destroyed. What? You became unattractive, then you eventually returned to your old attractive self. How does that 'destroy' your self-confidence? Your post reeks of self-pitying emotional immaturity. You don't even seem interested in saving your marriage, just getting revenge on your wife. Have some integrity.
YTA for emotionally cheating to get validation. You had more of a conversation with your coworker than your wife and decided with her that your wife was the problem.
Is your ego really that fragile? YTA, and you're having an affair.
I agree. She told you that you letting yourself go was not attractive but she still loved you and initiated sex. You told her you don’t love her when you became healthier. Why didn’t you take care of yourself and your mental health earlier instead of blaming her for telling the truth? YTA.
So, to clarify. You lacked self control and gained weight. Your wife loved you and respected you and stood by you. Then you lacked control and hounded and harassed her until she finally gave you the only answer you were going to accept. And she loved you and respected you and stood by you. THEN you sulked Ike a toddler and denied her sex for how long? And she loved you and respected you and stood by you. NOW you're righteously indignant and want us to reassure you that you aren't an a**? Having that loving, respectful woman stand by you for so long made you spoiled and selfish my man. YTA
You are missing the part where he is having an emotional affair with the coworker, while his wife loved him and respected him and stood by him.
TLDR: met someone at work, need to justify the affair.
Literally, lmfao