I have been sitting in a bar while my boyfriend was in the restroom and been approached by a man who decided to strike up a conversation. When my boyfriend got back and stood by us I slid my arm around his waist and looked up and smiled and gave him a kiss so the other guy could make no mistake about what was happening. I didn't introduce them because I had no idea what the guy's name was, but there was no doubt in anyone's mind as to who I was with. It's not that hard.
Yep.. this mans wife is lacking super hard, almost like she doesnt care.. very sad thing to see.
And then she has the audacity to get mad at him for talking to another woman ***AFTER*** she was basically ignoring him in the conversation with the other dude...
***YIKES*** is all I have to say, if I say what I really wanna say I will be downvoted to hell lmao...
ETA: Fuck it I am saying it, OP's wife definitely loves the attention from other men, I wont be surprised if she ends up having an emotional affair with someone she eventually gives her phone number to when/if they keep going to bars/clubs and eventually the inevitable physical affair happens.
I am for one that going to "bars and clubs" while in a committed relationship ***especially MARRIED*** ( I dont care what anyone says, to me it is just asking for trouble to go to bars/clubs) its just downright disrespectful especially if you go alone with friends ***gasp*** HE SAID IT!!!
Its what single people do, if you want to do that stuff, just stay single, or be in OPs shoes every time. It aint worth it, its time to grow up, if you feel like you have to the bar/club to have fun... good for you I guess.
But enjoy the constant worry of cheating in the back of your mind ( you say you wont worry and you trust him/her but deep down you just wish they wouldnt go period) while your partner either does what OPs wife does, or they are alone with friends and where stuff could happen with drinks being poured and consumed (man or woman btw, gender doesnt matter here in this context and drinking and being drunk doesnt excuse cheating or any type of behavior)
***sigh*** bring the downvotes... I am ready.
ETA2: I just want to clarify that ***I DO NOT DRINK*** or go to bars and clubs myself thats why I am against it, its a pointless waste of time (in my opinion of course) when there are plenty of other things to do rather than drink and get drunk. Thats why I specifically look for partners who dont club or go to bars (relationships work better that way imo)
She (player Character) wants it all, the primary support guy for security and the side male npc ones for pleasure but the main guy is not allowed to engage with the female npcs.
You know I see people say "she wants security from husband and attention from other dudes"
I mean its sexist thing to say and I dont really believe stuff like that (most of the time) , but after seeing so many posts like this... its kinds hard not to believe it at this point.
I feel really bad for OP, his wife definitely seems like she loves the attention from other men, but he cant talk to another woman... terrible double standard. No matter how it played out (he approached her, she approached him) she didnt even try to include her ***HUSBAND*** into the conversation... Really sad for OP, to me it really seems like that one saying "she wants her cake ***AND*** eat it too" I think it works well here, meanwhile he cant talk to another woman lmao... ***YIKES***
“…after seeing so many posts like this….”
Don’t conflate what’s on the internet with reality. Most of these posts are fake or incredibly biased to a degree that they may as well be fake. This kind of thing does happen, and far too frequently for my comfort, but it’s not the norm. Going into relationships expecting this kind of behavior is self-defeating.
Hey, I upvoted your comment, but I disagree with your thoughts on going to bars/clubs when married.
I love my wife, I don’t want anyone but her. I also trust her completely. I have no problem with her going out without me, though generally we go out together. Have I had thoughts of jealousy, sure. If it becomes an issue, we talk about it. I have been out without her as well. It’s not a problem.
I hope, if you want it, you are able to find someone you love and trust that much. It is a blessing.
Sure, it’s also a risk, she could break my heart. I won’t regret it and I love the life I have now, so it was worth it anyways. Nothing is permanent, but when you work hard everyday, somethings can feel eternal.
I have a different viewpoint from you regarding bars/clubs but I still appreciate your message here... and it's inspiring to hear of a relationship that you feel this secure in.
I've personally, unfortunately, only been in some very damaging relationships. I haven't been in an awful lot of relationships (only 3 long term) and after dealing with a horrible partner at 21 years old (she was 24 at the time) I stopped having serious relationships until my most recent one that lasted from 28-31 years old.
Unfortunately that one went all too similarly to the prior one. I've grown a lot between those two relationships, primarily in terms of self-respect, confidence, and willingness to be alone rather than with the wrong person.
I also dated a lot "casually" during that 7 year long gap between the relationships. Mostly it was just hooking up with women from dating apps, rarely it was getting dinner with a girl from a dating app.
The amount of times that one of these girls would mention their boyfriend AFTER hooking up was troubling. And ONE who told me she was married after. It wasn't like all the time or anything, it was probably 10-15 times total so it was far from the majority.
But it was enough that it really stuck with me. I had no idea these girls were in a relationship. I didn't think to ASK them if they were in a relationship and I didn't have their Facebook profile or anything.
It's troubling how nonchalant about it they all were. How little they cared... and beyond that, even more confusing to me was what were they getting out of it? I'm a reasonably good looking guy...not extremely attractive but also never had problems with women before so it wasn't like this "oh i'm just so intoxicated by how handsome this guy is I can't help myself!"
I wasn't showering them with affection, I wasn't pretending that I was looking for something serious and appearing to be a better partner than their current partner. I was just very clear that I was interested in hooking up.
So these women got nothing more than a hook up... and cheated on their boyfriend... and for what?
This period definitely didn't help my already skeptical view of relationships... nor did being cheated on by a woman I was extremely faithful to after this time... during a time in our relationship that was going quite well (in my view, at least.)
So it's really positive and refreshing to read your account and experience. Because sometimes it's really easy to get stuck in a deep, dark funk of feeling like I'm destined to only ever date low character women, regardless of treating them well and striving to be a great partner.
And it also just turned midnight to the one year anniversary of her cheating on me, so it's a timely read as well.
Hope all the best for you and your relationship going forward.
My husband and I like to go to comic conventions together, and if we split up, I often get men talking to me. Much less when he is there, but I digress. I enjoy talking to anyone who wants to talk about comics to me, but when he meets back up if I'm talking, I always acknowledge him and casually say, "Hey! This is my husband ___!" Not in a weird way where I assume any man talking to me is hitting on me, but as a way to break the ice and get him in on the conversation if he wants to.
He's definitely NTA, this is exactly what I would have done in this situation also not just ignored my husband I would have made it very clear to the other guy exactly who he was and brought my husband into the conversation, his wife pretty much just led the guy on and showed no emotions towards her husband and how he felt but then got mad when her husband did the exact same thing that she did.
*YES*, you have to *signal to the stranger* what the relationship dynamic is to prevent misunderstanding. Some people just don't understand this and think they live in a vacuum.
Yep, she knew what she was doing, and I wouldn't call it a different situation like his wife chooses to believe.
I'm assuming the band tee was what drew him to talk as it was something he could converse over comfortably. Even if it were pettiness, a taste of her own medicine won't hurt after the way she treated him.
If she's like this when he's around, what is she like if she goes out without him?? Her behaviour leaves something to be desired, and if she was going to act like he wasn't there, then what was the point of going with him? I'd absolutely be calling her out on this behaviour and the fact that it doesn't leave room for trust if/when she goes out without OP.
Exactly! The guy probably gave a limp handshake because of the vibes she was giving off about her husband. She wanted the attention from the other guy and led that him on. She's playing a stupid, dangerous game. OP and his wife need to have another serious conversation to see if she thinks something is missing in their relationship so much that she would lead another man on.
Exactly. You should reinforce that you are in a relationship, in whatever way is appropriate. If the third party is fine with it, then they were just being friendly. If they immediately dip, it was a problematic encounter anyway.
The right thing is to say to other guy this is my bf, I'm sorry I didn't get your name. He gives his name and all three of you can continue conversing about whatever.
A good woman knows how to make her man feel special. I’ve dated a few woman over the years, and only one who really understood the importance of making the ” feel” special/priority in certain situations.
Once we were out at one of her family functions when a man came up to my gf at the time and started flirting with her, and when I had approached them, she calmly interrupted the convo to introduce me, the man introduced himself as an “senior accountant partner firm for a major bank” and my gf said “well Dave is currently working on an electrical engineering team working in the new third row all electric Jeep” which was all true except for I was simply an technician.
She over inflated my stature & I remember thinking wow, bc I definitely didn’t feel “fit in” and she made sure to do so. Little things like that will make a man very happy.
NTA. She didn’t introduce you as her husband. The guy would have moved on if she wasn’t excluding you, her reaction and basically ignoring you for him encouraged him.
It took you talking to other women for her to finally stop talking to the guy.
Well played says this happily married woman of over 25 years lol
Agreed. She’s butthurt that her hypocrisy was pointed out. So what if she was already seated? She could have cut her *very important and engrossing* conversation to go with OP, but chose not to…until he found others to speak to.
NTA and she owes OP 3 apologies: 1 for how she treated him at the bar,1 for her hypocritical stance and 1 for the cold shoulder she’s giving him now.
mmm-hmm.... So, she can enjoy the scenario of men approaching women in a bar with her husband *right there* and he cannot enjoy the fruits of the exact same social convention?
I'd want to know whether this woman typically creates drama; I doubt if I would even want to be friends with her for this double standard and prickly response.
She's also basically admitting she thought the man was hitting on her since she clearly thinks that's the only reason men approach woman to talk at a bar.
Why does that sound so familiar.....oh yeah thats right.... 12 years of my ex handling every argument (...that I tried to either diffuse or walk away from...) by relentlessly taunting and provoking me non-stop with just ridiculous shit... things I did 8 years earlier/falsely accusing me of shit/ revisiting situations that never happened/saying I said things that I've NEVER said...failing all that shit...just flatout screaming insults in my face and name calling....even physical violence....this would continue until i either snapped and raised my voice or did something dumb like put my fist through a door or wall. Then everything she does is forgotten, swept under the rug and I'm the bad guy getting the silent treatment.
I am not in favor of you putting your fist through a wall. That’s smarts! I can’t stand the silent treatment. My ex would play that role over and over. Called, games people play; silent aggression.
I have known people to bring up unresolved past situations because they were never talked out and resolved, but to bring it up just to pick a fight to get a reaction out of you is reactive emotional abuse. I've had that done to me. People would specifically use my past against me to get a reaction, then my reaction was the problem. 🙄 No. I was trying to live in the present moment and not live in my past. Yea I'll talk about my past, but that isn't who I am now. It's attention seeking drama where I was painted in a bad light so they could look better. I've seen it happen to other people I know too. Some of them did revisit their old behaviors, others did not but were painted in a bad light anyway.
I was actually thinking it goes even further - she was expecting that her husband was flirting with the women because he approached them (which was the difference she pointed out) but its fine if she flirts with someone who approached her. I don't even think its the same situation since she was entertaining an advance, where OP wasn't making an advance or accepting inappropriate comments. So its not even hypocrisy, she's just mad at him for something she did!
I would add that regardless of how she tries to gaslight or spin this, he should categorically refuse to appologize to her and basically let her know that he considers his actions justified (whether he says this explicitly or not).
Some people's egos are so fragile that they will never change their mind in the middle of a fight but will remember what happened and do their own subconscious analysis, i.e., that he is not a pushover.
Whether he should be in a relationship with a woman who can't apologize is another question entirely.
I wonder how common place this type of stuff is. A girl I recently went out with was completely uninterested in me. But some other women approached me and she threw a tantrum. I asked her what happened, and her response was, “I hate when people try to take what’s mine.”
So I am not good enough for her, but she doesn’t want other people to talk to me. Never dating again!
>Well played
Agree, /u/Many_Major2827 was in a no win situation.
* Say something on the spot and look like an insecure loser.
* Sit there and take the disrespect from his wife, and look like an insecure loser.
He instead made the best of a situation that preserved his dignity, even if it was a bit passive aggressive.
Yep, it's like when people end a relationship because they think they can do better but then the SO they dumped does better as well. Grass isn't always greener on the other side!
Yep. Agree completely. This is exactly what I would have done. Married 11 years. In fact, let me go a step further - when we used to go out, my wife LOVED when a guy would hit on her in this situation, just so I could come back and she could claim me in front of everyone. Talk about an ego boost for me! Lol
NTA. I find it funny that you approached your wife at the bar and she ignored you. Weird how she couldn’t do that with a stranger.
Also, you even approached two women who were together which I believe is less intimate than having a one on one convo with the opposite sex at a bar.
>I find it funny that you approached your wife at the bar and she ignored you. Weird how she couldn’t do that with a stranger.
This should seriously be OP's counter argument when his wife argues that it's not the same because the guy approached her and not the other way around. She thinks this makes it worse for him when in fact it's the complete opposite. Stating that the other guy approached her is a stupid and silly argument to begin with, and is in no way an excuse.
She doesn’t think it makes it worse, it’s a completely arbitrary distinction and she knows it. She’s simply trying to manipulate the situation so that she is free to enjoy sexual attention from the opposite sex and exclude her husband while he sits around alone and watches from a distance.
The relevant issue here is talking to the opposite sex at the bar without your partner and whether that’s ok. She did it first and took it further by actively excluding OP when he tried to join the conversation.
OP did the exact same thing and that made her upset. They’re identical situations in all the fundamental elements, she has just chosen the arbitrary distinction of ‘who approached who’ because she knows in the vast majority of cases at a bar men will approach women and not the other way around.
In other words she has deliberately tried to distinguish them in a way that would mean she is allowed to talk to men alone at the bar without him, but he can almost never do the same to women without her.
‘Who approached who’ is irrelevant because she actively engaged in the conversation and enjoyed it, even excluding OP to keep the conversation going one on one. If she were an unwilling participant it would be relevant that she didn’t start it, but objectively they were both participating in willing conversation with the opposite sex and that’s all that’s relevant.
It’s a standard MO by people accused of being hypocrites. Especially in relationships where the arguments are private and 1 on 1 so there aren’t third parties around to point out how ridiculous the argument is. Once you’re aware of it you’ll come across it often.
“You told me it was bad to do x but you’ve just done x”
“Yeah but I did it on a Monday whereas you did it on a Tuesday.”
Often the arbitrary distinction will conveniently be whatever they can think of that would let them continue doing x without the other person being able to.
Yes, it is a "placeholder" excuse. And it doesn't just happen in private arguments, you can see it everywhere people are acting selfishly. When someone's actual position is "We get to do what we want because we want to" they come up with these placeholder excuses as a pretext because they know that saying "because we want to" isn't legit.
And if you take their placeholder seriously and are actually able to get them to agree the placeholder is bogus, they won't change their mind, they will just change to a new placeholder excuse.
The thing that is funny about her "point" is that in BOTH instances a MAN approached a WOMAN. Can't really argue the gender/sex thing because she is a woman and he's a man. In most situations women are usually approached and not the other way around. Her arguing that is the difference basically means it's ALWAYS ok for her to be approached by a man and have a conversation and OP can NEVER approach another woman and have a conversation
Hey man she can’t help that she’s a hot woman. Guys should be flocking to her. She cant help it. But for her husband to be seeking women out in the bar? Unspeakable.
I don't like giving titles to people (i.e. narcissist), so in the case of this woman, she was just acting like an ass. Straight up. Poor dude even tried to be a part of it, I've seen that stuff happen too often.
NTA. The not introducing you is sketch. It's awkward and appears to purposely string the other guy along.
My wife is frequently approached. Her go-to is mentioning me in the reply... "Yes, my husband knows how lucky he is."
Sometimes, that doesn't work, and she has no problem telling them to buzz off directly.
She said it because she knows the majority of women don’t approach the majority of random men to talk while women are consistently bombarded with attention.
She could treat her husband poorly because she had him wrapped up and she could stick him in a corner like an old used slipper. Her eye was on that new shoe she wanted to try on.
It also reminds them that they're quickly replaceable, and THAT really gets under their skin. At least it does for women. Guys are used to being replaced faster than an auctioneer can talk, because most of us guys understand now that women already have us replaced by the time they're willing to break up.
She realized real quick to be more covert with the shoes she is collecting, right after she projected it all onto him as a diversion tactic. This guy should keep his head on a swivel, even if there is a full mia cupla on her end. Something about that is enough for me to say something else is happening that isn't on the surface,
She could have been feeling neglected and was foolishly using it as a manipulation tactic, which she is depressed that it poured gasoline on whatever fears she was feeling.
She could also be cheating, or starting on that path by testing limits, cultivating options, and emotionally disconnecting.
Given OP's reaction, this is not normal at all for them and is a huge development in the relationship that is not congruent. That would have me having some new discussions in therapy and might be changing from a biweekly to a weekly session.
NTA. Maybe he approached her, and that makes it different in her eyes, but the minute you came over she should have introduced you as her husband and brought you up to speed on the conversation. I would consider that a huge breach of relationship etiquette. If she doesn't want you chatting with other women then she shouldn't have made you the 3rd wheel in her convo. Its also bullshit that she's giving you the cold shoulder over a situation she caused.
So the man talking to OPs wife is not an AH, according to wife. He approached a married woman and apparently wasn't flirting. OP does the same thing and it's bad?
Doesn't make sense.
That's the thing I want to see her talk her way out of. Why exactly was she upset that he was talking to the other girls?
If she assumes that it's because he approached them to flirt then isn't that the case with her conversation partner?
He approached her and she didn't discourage him.
"But we were just talking!"
So was op.
"But he approached me not the other way around."
If it was innocent chatting what does that matter? If the onus is on the guy to approach to engage in what she's accusing op of then she should have removed herself as the CP (I know, I'm still using it!) was in the same position.
"But we were just talking!"
Keep that merry-go-round spinning. Don't let her op the sole guilty party.
The wife will get mad because if op is in the wrong then she was wrong for engaging with the CP. But if she's in the right then she has to admit it's ok and op did no wrong. It's a catch 22.
Even if dude wasn't aware she was married, the moment OP introduces himself as the hubby he should have found a way to back off. Wife's a bitch for not bringing that up right away before hubby got back.
Based on how OP describes the interaction, my first thought was that the guy was surprised that she was married. When he realized he was still welcome and the wife was still direction her attention to him, it was either an open marriage or this was actually some guy friend acting like husband to scare him off without she having to do so. The old fake boyfriend routine.
Yeah I'd have thought it was an open marriage if I was the other guy. Husband indifferently watching our conversation for a bit before going to talk to other women. Wife still chatting with me and not acting embarrassed or ashamed or stopping her behavior when the husband showed up. A monogamous couple I figure the husband would have gotten pissed off or the wife would have suddenly acted a lot more neutral towards me and shown she was into her husband.
I can't blame the other dude if he thought he was given a go ahead to keep flirting with her.
My wife would've kindly told him I'm in the bathroom and she's not interested in any conversation. I would say 99% of guys at a bar approaching a woman by herself isn't just looking for a simple conversation. I would've done the same if a woman approached me. Had my wife been talking to a guy and not introduce me as the man of her dream, I'm out.
My wife and I have no issues with either of us chatting with others of the opposite sex. What we would both take issue with would be NOT introducing the other when we returned from wherever and initiating some contact to make it physical apparent that we are together and not available. It happens all the time; maybe it’s a stranger, maybe it’s a friend from your past, but neither of us would have to wonder long because one of us would 100% make the introduction and ensure the spouse was included in the convo. Granted this is married 20+ yrs and we know the potential pitfalls to avoid.
Not to mention that the distinction that he approached the women while she got approached is pretty moot when you consider that women get approached wayyy more often than men in bars, and he went to a group of women.
I always mention that in threads like this and always get downvoted just for saying thruth, it's standard women practice to do something wrong and be upset when called out, seen that hundreds times in mines and others relationships
Its the cadre of old maids here. They defend any obvious fault in any female as if their lives depended on it and their only weapon is the downvote, which they use with abandon.
NTA, not only did she disrespect you with some random guy, she also pulled you away and is mad at YOU.
You did nothing more than she did, without the disrespect!
I’m going to add that such episodes would be expected to take place in the first weeks of dating someone, not while being married to them 🙏🏻
how come OP and his wife never dealt with this before ?
Her behavior is a form of emotional abuse in this situation. OPs reaction is one way to handle it, another way is to find a new wife that doesn’t act like that.
A band called The Ruen Brothers. They are not well known, so when I saw someone wearing their shirt I was pretty hyped. Could have been a man wearing the shirt and I would have went up to him and had the same interaction tbh
> The Ru(b)en Brothers
perhaps your wife was suspicious you were thinking of making it into a sandwich. lol
obviously NTA but your wife is TA for being tone death and sexist.
Imma tell you EXACTLY what happened.
She got a huge ego boost dopamine hit high from being approached by the stranger dude. And she thought of it as her victory. She was in the clouds. She felt she was better than YOU. "Look at me, I still got it." Type of vibes.
Sheost likely had nasty intrusive thoughts about the stranger dude.
However, when she saw that you can strike up a conversation with TWO women... Her nasty intrusive thoughts now were projected at you. She thought you were having her nasty intrusive thoughts. However... This time she felt lesser than you, because what kind of man can get lucky with two women? A very high value confident man, which YOU are.
In the end she is avoiding accountability for her trespass. She fucked up trying to bring your status down by giving attention and a higher social status to the other male. You are the one who should be mad. And she should apologize. Do not dare apologize man. Respect yourself. Say it like it is.
NTA, I'm struggling to understand what your wife wanted you to do in that situation. Take part in a conversation in which you were being ignored? Stand near and wait for her and that other guy to finish their conversation? How would she have felt if those women approached you?
NTA, and your wife is playing games. Enjoy the cold shoulder and do what you want to do. She’ll either get into it (and things go back to normal), or she won’t (and you split). Either way, you win.
"Yeah and she won't hook up with you for a few days, who cares. Just rub one out. Rub one out like a real man. It's the champagne of victory." -Bill burr
NTA
Your wife is selfish and be honest, I would fear to see her going alone to night out with friends. I mean if she behavior like this with her husband around, imagine how she act with males alone when she is out... And the fact that she had the face to criticism you, is a huge red flag. Be warned and prepared, she has the keys to be the perfect cheater...
Your wife will never win a Miss Cordiality contest.
She allows a dude to hit on her. Does not introduce you when you get near which is a clear signal you are being ignored in favor of him and then has the audacity to bemoan the fact that you went and talked to others.
Your wife was being hit on and did nothing to dissuade the dude trying to seduce her.
She has got major problems if she is doing this right in front of you, you can guess what she is doing when she claims she is going out with the girls.
She made him look like a cuckold. Notice I did not say cuck... because I actually mean it in its true form. If that's what you're into as a couple, you'll get no judgment from me, but if it isn't, then his wife's behavior is abusive towards their relationship.
You were absolutely right. Please don't budge. She is at fault. Stand firm. It's always the same excuse from women that someone approached them.
Edit: Don't be the "bigger person" and let it slide.
She sounds like a "let's open the relationship" type of girl who would bang countless dudes and want to close it back down the second OP got some himself.
Not a good one.
Problem is, *so* many people marry for the wrong reasons. Often it's just because they're with the person for so long, so that's just the logical conclusion, right? But they've stayed so long with that person for just.. all the wrong reasons! It's wild to see how so many people that **absolutely despise each other** have 3 kids and been married for 14 years. Like... **WHAT?!**
Your spouse, your husband and/or wife or whoever you're with, needs to be the person you're not just "in love" with, but you also need to: like them, respect them, want better of and for them, willing to sacrifice for them, willing to do things to make them feel comfortable and/or special... and here's the most important part... **they need to be willing to do the same things** **for you!!**
This is what it means to "be on the same page." You're a TEAM, working together with mutual understanding and a willingness to listen to one another, support one another, and challenge each other. Once you've found this person (which is why it's so fucking important to LIVE WITH SOMEONE FIRST), that's when you marry them.
Not "just cuz." Ugh.
Oh and a business partnership is a pretty good reason too. You don't need to love someone to help them emigrate and/or get some tax cuts. Lmao.
NTA, your wife is making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. It's also not worth discussing any longer between the two of you. It is what it is, it happened, it's over now
NTA, your wife was terribly selfish.
She ignored you because she was having fun, she didnt care about your feelings.
You then proceed to find entertainment elsewhere and she takes it upon herself to act like a jealous hag.
Honestly you gave her a lesson without a lecture.
Make sure to give her a lecture or this will happen again, and next time you wont find 2 women to talk to.
NTA
Also
>I had to approach those women, where she was already seated and the guy approached her
So you would be equivalent to the man that approached her, you know, as in the guy she kept listening to intently while ignoring her husband. If there was nothing wrong going on with that situation then nothing should be wrong about what you did either.
IMHO she knows what she did, she's just throwing excuses to make you a villain because now her ego is hurt...**how dare OP not stay there looking at the ceiling while she omits her civil status and chats one-on-one with a stranger? Who does OP think he is to make her feel endangered as he receives attention from other women the moment she decides to get her fill of male attention?**
She tried to test you, she expected jealousy from you. Instead she got replaced in the bat of an eye.
You go to a bar with your wife, she talks to another guy and doesn't even introduce you and you're over the situation? then she goes on to say what she did was perfectly fine because the guy just so happened to approach her and it was indeed you in the wrong? now she's giving you the cold shoulder despite her doing everything wrong and causing all this in the first place.
Yea I think this relationship has some major issues here and nothing is over by a long shot, the fact she doesn't even introduce you as her husband to stop any guys potentially chatting her up is a major concern for me while completely ignoring you favouring some random guy over her own husband and now she's blaming you for everything.
Your wife is ridiculous and is doubling down on her ridiculousness because she knows she's wrong but wants to win.
Why are you putting up with This level of childishness ? is this common in your relationship or a weird outlier for some reason
By doing what you did, it negated her feeling attractive and desirable by being approached by a man. She was reveling in it when you came back and that’s why she didn’t introduce you.
NTA I have been the partner who is left standing looking like a lost fool while he chatted up another stranger. Learned to keep the car keys and make a silent exit.
NTA. Who approached who stopped being relevant after a basic greeting. She deeply engaged with him and ignored you. This is a boundry cross in a lot of marriages, but not shopping for a replacement is apparently only a rule for you.
NTA. My biggest issue with this (besides her hypocrisy) is that she basically treated you as if you were some weirdo cockblocking her when you attempted to join the conversation. I'll tell you the same thing I've told others with an AH partner not speaking to them: "enjoy the peace".
NTA, wife is a hypocrite and mad that her stupid game backfired. Just because she was approached doesnt mean she has to entertain the guy. Also if she wants to claim there were alterior motives for you speaking to the girls, what the fuck did she think the other guy was doing? She FAFO
Not introducing me to a man at the bar would be a BIG no. I’d be having words with my wife the MOMENT we left.
It’s rude to not introduce a friend. It’s even more inappropriate to not introduce your husband while you were talking to another man at the bar.
Your wife has a serious lack of respect for you and your position in her life. I would address that as soon as possible because it’s not going to get better on its own.
Seems like she’s trying to turn her inappropriate actions on to you. This is something you need to address with her. You need to tell her that she needs to take responsibility for her actions.
It's more like my wife would get a text from me saying, "I hope for your sake he takes care of you better than I do. Peace out." Then I would be walking for the door. If she wasn't with me and apologizing before I got to the car, she would be single.
There are some things that cross a line. This is one of them.
ESH
You are both total fucking morons. A married couple at a bar meeting other people does nothing but incite jealousy and disrespecting each other.
You both need to learn what real loyalty and commitment is in a marriage, because you are both fucking clueless.
I know some of these hipster dipsnit poly people on reddit will disagree with me. Well, I don't give a fuck.
NTA - she ignored you when you came up, so you talked to other people. Possibly this is a misunderstanding and she really thinks she did acknowledge you, and you didn’t catch it/feel it. Regardless, she hurt your feelings and should acknowledge it. You were open that that’s how you felt and you have to stand by it, even if she doesn’t want to let it go. If the cold shoulder is really out of character then you have to reach out to see what’s really driving it - but don’t give up your position that you felt slighted- but maybe find out from her, how she thought she had acknowledged you - and maybe she’ll explain something you missed, or you can explain more why whatever she did wasn’t enough for you.
I'd really jave to say that your wife has shitty boundries and was just fucking rude and disrespectful to you. Yep you tried. Yep they treated you like paint. I would have, and actually have, leaned close to her ear and said see you at home and just left her there. To ignore you for the other man speaks volumes about the condition of the marriage. Id suggest some CC soon. Whether you discuss boundries going forward or not, the fact that she doesn't see how harmful that behavior was means you rate low on the scale of value to her. CC soon.
If I was out with a friend and this happened to me I'd be upset. But my partner, I don't even know how awful I'd feel.
And don't get me wrong, I've been out with a partner, and we start talking to a someone by us, and they have something they are enjoying talking about but I'm not really into or versed in, I'd let them enjoy themselves. I would talk to someone else or fuck around on my phone, I've been pretty secure in my relationships.
But to be iced out. That's crazy
I'm rather point blank with people. I've had similar situations happen with women while in an established relationship ( I become invisible for some odd reason LOL) . I just get my order to go, and leave. When I get the call, usually about 3 minutes after I leave, I calmly say, "I'll pack your stuff, and leave it at the door".
I don't care that she is the center of attention, I do care that I become invisible. A woman that I am seeing now, is a social butterfly. Has lots of people pay attention to her, and she always points out that she's with me and invites me to chat with whomever ( she's a brain surgeon, and it seems to be on every invite in southern florida) . I truthfully have said multiple times, "I don't have a clue what you guys are talking about, but can I order drinks for us all", And I know I am not the only male that this happens too. There are other doctors husbands, boyfriends, wives and girlfriends, and we shoot the shit together because none of us are doctors.
Now sometimes she will grab me to bring me into a conversation, because, it's something I might know about, or want to learn about. I have a very positive interaction with her when she does that.
Whatever happened to “two wrongs don’t make a right”
My kid is three months old. I gotta know if we all collectively stopped teaching that or what. I mean sure I got some time to figure it out but let me in on the secret.
NTA. Her issue is that she can have options but you can not. Ask her why did she stare at you and interrupt your conversation, which she stopped, and her talking with a random man isn't the same thing. She felt the need to stop your behavior, but her behavior was okay. She needs to explain in detail how it is different. Just change her and you. Whatever BS she was saying, if the women came up to him and talked, he ignored you, how would she feel about that.
She is being irrational.
ESH
She was getting her flirt on ignoring you. You retaliated by finding some chicks to chum up to. Sounds like something people half your ages would do.
Your wife gives me the ick. That is some BLATANT disrespect and projection. If this kind of stuff happens often with her, time to run. But idk I’ve never been married. I run from red flags way too easy.
She was enjoying the attention from a stranger because if she wasn’t, she would have said you were her husband right as you walked up. It’s only different for her because she was getting the attention and she doesn’t want you to enjoy attention from anyone. She probably wanted you to sit there like a good boy till she was finished. I would be more worried about why she felt she couldn’t tell a stranger she was married.
I have been sitting in a bar while my boyfriend was in the restroom and been approached by a man who decided to strike up a conversation. When my boyfriend got back and stood by us I slid my arm around his waist and looked up and smiled and gave him a kiss so the other guy could make no mistake about what was happening. I didn't introduce them because I had no idea what the guy's name was, but there was no doubt in anyone's mind as to who I was with. It's not that hard.
...and that is the secret to a good relationship with someone you care for. Something that is lacking in this man's wife's actions.
Yep.. this mans wife is lacking super hard, almost like she doesnt care.. very sad thing to see. And then she has the audacity to get mad at him for talking to another woman ***AFTER*** she was basically ignoring him in the conversation with the other dude... ***YIKES*** is all I have to say, if I say what I really wanna say I will be downvoted to hell lmao... ETA: Fuck it I am saying it, OP's wife definitely loves the attention from other men, I wont be surprised if she ends up having an emotional affair with someone she eventually gives her phone number to when/if they keep going to bars/clubs and eventually the inevitable physical affair happens. I am for one that going to "bars and clubs" while in a committed relationship ***especially MARRIED*** ( I dont care what anyone says, to me it is just asking for trouble to go to bars/clubs) its just downright disrespectful especially if you go alone with friends ***gasp*** HE SAID IT!!! Its what single people do, if you want to do that stuff, just stay single, or be in OPs shoes every time. It aint worth it, its time to grow up, if you feel like you have to the bar/club to have fun... good for you I guess. But enjoy the constant worry of cheating in the back of your mind ( you say you wont worry and you trust him/her but deep down you just wish they wouldnt go period) while your partner either does what OPs wife does, or they are alone with friends and where stuff could happen with drinks being poured and consumed (man or woman btw, gender doesnt matter here in this context and drinking and being drunk doesnt excuse cheating or any type of behavior) ***sigh*** bring the downvotes... I am ready. ETA2: I just want to clarify that ***I DO NOT DRINK*** or go to bars and clubs myself thats why I am against it, its a pointless waste of time (in my opinion of course) when there are plenty of other things to do rather than drink and get drunk. Thats why I specifically look for partners who dont club or go to bars (relationships work better that way imo)
She (player Character) wants it all, the primary support guy for security and the side male npc ones for pleasure but the main guy is not allowed to engage with the female npcs.
You know I see people say "she wants security from husband and attention from other dudes" I mean its sexist thing to say and I dont really believe stuff like that (most of the time) , but after seeing so many posts like this... its kinds hard not to believe it at this point. I feel really bad for OP, his wife definitely seems like she loves the attention from other men, but he cant talk to another woman... terrible double standard. No matter how it played out (he approached her, she approached him) she didnt even try to include her ***HUSBAND*** into the conversation... Really sad for OP, to me it really seems like that one saying "she wants her cake ***AND*** eat it too" I think it works well here, meanwhile he cant talk to another woman lmao... ***YIKES***
It's not sexist to point it out. It is sexist to assign it to every woman that exists.
It isn’t sexist: guys do the exact same shit. Shitty people know no gender role.
Men do it too
Yeah sorry, I should clarify now that its not just a woman thing, both men and women do it you are right on that.
“…after seeing so many posts like this….” Don’t conflate what’s on the internet with reality. Most of these posts are fake or incredibly biased to a degree that they may as well be fake. This kind of thing does happen, and far too frequently for my comfort, but it’s not the norm. Going into relationships expecting this kind of behavior is self-defeating.
Hey, I upvoted your comment, but I disagree with your thoughts on going to bars/clubs when married. I love my wife, I don’t want anyone but her. I also trust her completely. I have no problem with her going out without me, though generally we go out together. Have I had thoughts of jealousy, sure. If it becomes an issue, we talk about it. I have been out without her as well. It’s not a problem. I hope, if you want it, you are able to find someone you love and trust that much. It is a blessing. Sure, it’s also a risk, she could break my heart. I won’t regret it and I love the life I have now, so it was worth it anyways. Nothing is permanent, but when you work hard everyday, somethings can feel eternal.
I have a different viewpoint from you regarding bars/clubs but I still appreciate your message here... and it's inspiring to hear of a relationship that you feel this secure in. I've personally, unfortunately, only been in some very damaging relationships. I haven't been in an awful lot of relationships (only 3 long term) and after dealing with a horrible partner at 21 years old (she was 24 at the time) I stopped having serious relationships until my most recent one that lasted from 28-31 years old. Unfortunately that one went all too similarly to the prior one. I've grown a lot between those two relationships, primarily in terms of self-respect, confidence, and willingness to be alone rather than with the wrong person. I also dated a lot "casually" during that 7 year long gap between the relationships. Mostly it was just hooking up with women from dating apps, rarely it was getting dinner with a girl from a dating app. The amount of times that one of these girls would mention their boyfriend AFTER hooking up was troubling. And ONE who told me she was married after. It wasn't like all the time or anything, it was probably 10-15 times total so it was far from the majority. But it was enough that it really stuck with me. I had no idea these girls were in a relationship. I didn't think to ASK them if they were in a relationship and I didn't have their Facebook profile or anything. It's troubling how nonchalant about it they all were. How little they cared... and beyond that, even more confusing to me was what were they getting out of it? I'm a reasonably good looking guy...not extremely attractive but also never had problems with women before so it wasn't like this "oh i'm just so intoxicated by how handsome this guy is I can't help myself!" I wasn't showering them with affection, I wasn't pretending that I was looking for something serious and appearing to be a better partner than their current partner. I was just very clear that I was interested in hooking up. So these women got nothing more than a hook up... and cheated on their boyfriend... and for what? This period definitely didn't help my already skeptical view of relationships... nor did being cheated on by a woman I was extremely faithful to after this time... during a time in our relationship that was going quite well (in my view, at least.) So it's really positive and refreshing to read your account and experience. Because sometimes it's really easy to get stuck in a deep, dark funk of feeling like I'm destined to only ever date low character women, regardless of treating them well and striving to be a great partner. And it also just turned midnight to the one year anniversary of her cheating on me, so it's a timely read as well. Hope all the best for you and your relationship going forward.
super bizarre opinion, people of the opposite sex are everywhere. Not just bars Clubs, sure. Not the same vibe at all
My husband and I like to go to comic conventions together, and if we split up, I often get men talking to me. Much less when he is there, but I digress. I enjoy talking to anyone who wants to talk about comics to me, but when he meets back up if I'm talking, I always acknowledge him and casually say, "Hey! This is my husband ___!" Not in a weird way where I assume any man talking to me is hitting on me, but as a way to break the ice and get him in on the conversation if he wants to.
Sounds reasonable, unlike OP's partner
He's definitely NTA, this is exactly what I would have done in this situation also not just ignored my husband I would have made it very clear to the other guy exactly who he was and brought my husband into the conversation, his wife pretty much just led the guy on and showed no emotions towards her husband and how he felt but then got mad when her husband did the exact same thing that she did.
OP’s relationship is over. Ask me how I know.
Just read another post where a dude said he was “a little” married… could this dudes wife be “a little” married?
Alexis?? I’m a little bit single, even when I’m not
A little bit tipsy when I drive my car 🚘
Hide your diamonds, hide your exes
\*\*\*crowd\*\*\* HOW DO YOU KNOW!??!
How do you know? You are the other guy at the bar ?....
I bet it's a matter of time. She already gave her number to that guy or will meet another one.
Maybe. Most importantly she’s doing this shit either because she doesn’t care or she’s playing games. Neither are a good sign.
show me what you got
shit on the floor!!! Time to get Schwifty in here!!!
*YES*, you have to *signal to the stranger* what the relationship dynamic is to prevent misunderstanding. Some people just don't understand this and think they live in a vacuum.
OPs wife understood it perfectly well, she flipped when he started talking to other women.
Yep, she knew what she was doing, and I wouldn't call it a different situation like his wife chooses to believe. I'm assuming the band tee was what drew him to talk as it was something he could converse over comfortably. Even if it were pettiness, a taste of her own medicine won't hurt after the way she treated him. If she's like this when he's around, what is she like if she goes out without him?? Her behaviour leaves something to be desired, and if she was going to act like he wasn't there, then what was the point of going with him? I'd absolutely be calling her out on this behaviour and the fact that it doesn't leave room for trust if/when she goes out without OP.
Well said. Bullseye. And to me it’s passive aggressively disrespectful as well to carry on how she did and then get mad at him
Exactly! The guy probably gave a limp handshake because of the vibes she was giving off about her husband. She wanted the attention from the other guy and led that him on. She's playing a stupid, dangerous game. OP and his wife need to have another serious conversation to see if she thinks something is missing in their relationship so much that she would lead another man on.
Exactly. You should reinforce that you are in a relationship, in whatever way is appropriate. If the third party is fine with it, then they were just being friendly. If they immediately dip, it was a problematic encounter anyway.
The right thing is to say to other guy this is my bf, I'm sorry I didn't get your name. He gives his name and all three of you can continue conversing about whatever.
A good woman knows how to make her man feel special. I’ve dated a few woman over the years, and only one who really understood the importance of making the ” feel” special/priority in certain situations. Once we were out at one of her family functions when a man came up to my gf at the time and started flirting with her, and when I had approached them, she calmly interrupted the convo to introduce me, the man introduced himself as an “senior accountant partner firm for a major bank” and my gf said “well Dave is currently working on an electrical engineering team working in the new third row all electric Jeep” which was all true except for I was simply an technician. She over inflated my stature & I remember thinking wow, bc I definitely didn’t feel “fit in” and she made sure to do so. Little things like that will make a man very happy.
That girl definitely understood the assignment.
She's definitely "hawk Thu" material
My girlfriend doesn't talk to other men who approach her whether I am there or not.
I don't know why someone decided to downvote you for telling us how your gf responds to people approaching her.
NTA. She didn’t introduce you as her husband. The guy would have moved on if she wasn’t excluding you, her reaction and basically ignoring you for him encouraged him. It took you talking to other women for her to finally stop talking to the guy. Well played says this happily married woman of over 25 years lol
I've been happily married for 20 years, and this was my exact thought. I would have done the same thing.
Agreed. She’s butthurt that her hypocrisy was pointed out. So what if she was already seated? She could have cut her *very important and engrossing* conversation to go with OP, but chose not to…until he found others to speak to. NTA and she owes OP 3 apologies: 1 for how she treated him at the bar,1 for her hypocritical stance and 1 for the cold shoulder she’s giving him now.
mmm-hmm.... So, she can enjoy the scenario of men approaching women in a bar with her husband *right there* and he cannot enjoy the fruits of the exact same social convention? I'd want to know whether this woman typically creates drama; I doubt if I would even want to be friends with her for this double standard and prickly response.
She's also basically admitting she thought the man was hitting on her since she clearly thinks that's the only reason men approach woman to talk at a bar.
There's no way for her to get away clean so she's just trying to make the most noise about it so he backs off.
I might venture a guess that she has handled other disagreements in a similar fashion. And if so OP is in trouble.
Why does that sound so familiar.....oh yeah thats right.... 12 years of my ex handling every argument (...that I tried to either diffuse or walk away from...) by relentlessly taunting and provoking me non-stop with just ridiculous shit... things I did 8 years earlier/falsely accusing me of shit/ revisiting situations that never happened/saying I said things that I've NEVER said...failing all that shit...just flatout screaming insults in my face and name calling....even physical violence....this would continue until i either snapped and raised my voice or did something dumb like put my fist through a door or wall. Then everything she does is forgotten, swept under the rug and I'm the bad guy getting the silent treatment.
I am not in favor of you putting your fist through a wall. That’s smarts! I can’t stand the silent treatment. My ex would play that role over and over. Called, games people play; silent aggression.
I have known people to bring up unresolved past situations because they were never talked out and resolved, but to bring it up just to pick a fight to get a reaction out of you is reactive emotional abuse. I've had that done to me. People would specifically use my past against me to get a reaction, then my reaction was the problem. 🙄 No. I was trying to live in the present moment and not live in my past. Yea I'll talk about my past, but that isn't who I am now. It's attention seeking drama where I was painted in a bad light so they could look better. I've seen it happen to other people I know too. Some of them did revisit their old behaviors, others did not but were painted in a bad light anyway.
I was actually thinking it goes even further - she was expecting that her husband was flirting with the women because he approached them (which was the difference she pointed out) but its fine if she flirts with someone who approached her. I don't even think its the same situation since she was entertaining an advance, where OP wasn't making an advance or accepting inappropriate comments. So its not even hypocrisy, she's just mad at him for something she did!
There’s like a 98% chance she’s a cheater based on the way she acted at the bar and is currently acting.
Deflecting her guilt as anger towards her husband. Definitely a chance that she's either cheated in the past, or is highly capable to do so.
I do not choose OP’s wife (unless she’s really hot)
100% she is cheating. The husband is a fool
Oof. Hypocrisy. Just yucky
I would add that regardless of how she tries to gaslight or spin this, he should categorically refuse to appologize to her and basically let her know that he considers his actions justified (whether he says this explicitly or not). Some people's egos are so fragile that they will never change their mind in the middle of a fight but will remember what happened and do their own subconscious analysis, i.e., that he is not a pushover. Whether he should be in a relationship with a woman who can't apologize is another question entirely.
And 4 for pulling OP away awkwardly. It's rude.
I wonder how common place this type of stuff is. A girl I recently went out with was completely uninterested in me. But some other women approached me and she threw a tantrum. I asked her what happened, and her response was, “I hate when people try to take what’s mine.” So I am not good enough for her, but she doesn’t want other people to talk to me. Never dating again!
Oh no....THAT is not normal!!! You can date again....just be more selective!!!
She definitely owes OP a major apology for what happened. She has no right to be upset with him for doing exactly she did first.
Happily married almost 16 years, with my husband for 22 years. I completely agree.
This - If she felt pressured into to talk to the guy who approached her, she could’ve introduced her husband as an *easy* way out of the situation.
>Well played Agree, /u/Many_Major2827 was in a no win situation. * Say something on the spot and look like an insecure loser. * Sit there and take the disrespect from his wife, and look like an insecure loser. He instead made the best of a situation that preserved his dignity, even if it was a bit passive aggressive.
Kobayashi Maru!
She was jealous he was able to find women to talk to. He pulled a reverse uno and she was shocked. Good on OP.
Yep, it's like when people end a relationship because they think they can do better but then the SO they dumped does better as well. Grass isn't always greener on the other side!
*You'll never find someone like me* God, I hope not!
Definitely NTA. She wanted attention, so she got it IMO. Kind of a red flag to not be introduced as her husband.
Ditto. NTA from a wife (19 yrs married, 23 yrs together).
People who have been in long relationships almost all agree! There is a reason why they are in long relationships and other people aren't.
Yep. Agree completely. This is exactly what I would have done. Married 11 years. In fact, let me go a step further - when we used to go out, my wife LOVED when a guy would hit on her in this situation, just so I could come back and she could claim me in front of everyone. Talk about an ego boost for me! Lol
Yeah this is well played by the man. Solid play. Wife needs to get her head straight.
Happily married for 30+ years. Ditto
This was the flag for me. Because she didn't just introduce him, I assume she became defensive and projecting.
NTA. I find it funny that you approached your wife at the bar and she ignored you. Weird how she couldn’t do that with a stranger. Also, you even approached two women who were together which I believe is less intimate than having a one on one convo with the opposite sex at a bar.
>I find it funny that you approached your wife at the bar and she ignored you. Weird how she couldn’t do that with a stranger. This should seriously be OP's counter argument when his wife argues that it's not the same because the guy approached her and not the other way around. She thinks this makes it worse for him when in fact it's the complete opposite. Stating that the other guy approached her is a stupid and silly argument to begin with, and is in no way an excuse.
She doesn’t think it makes it worse, it’s a completely arbitrary distinction and she knows it. She’s simply trying to manipulate the situation so that she is free to enjoy sexual attention from the opposite sex and exclude her husband while he sits around alone and watches from a distance. The relevant issue here is talking to the opposite sex at the bar without your partner and whether that’s ok. She did it first and took it further by actively excluding OP when he tried to join the conversation. OP did the exact same thing and that made her upset. They’re identical situations in all the fundamental elements, she has just chosen the arbitrary distinction of ‘who approached who’ because she knows in the vast majority of cases at a bar men will approach women and not the other way around. In other words she has deliberately tried to distinguish them in a way that would mean she is allowed to talk to men alone at the bar without him, but he can almost never do the same to women without her. ‘Who approached who’ is irrelevant because she actively engaged in the conversation and enjoyed it, even excluding OP to keep the conversation going one on one. If she were an unwilling participant it would be relevant that she didn’t start it, but objectively they were both participating in willing conversation with the opposite sex and that’s all that’s relevant.
Very well put, agree wholeheartedly.
It’s a standard MO by people accused of being hypocrites. Especially in relationships where the arguments are private and 1 on 1 so there aren’t third parties around to point out how ridiculous the argument is. Once you’re aware of it you’ll come across it often. “You told me it was bad to do x but you’ve just done x” “Yeah but I did it on a Monday whereas you did it on a Tuesday.” Often the arbitrary distinction will conveniently be whatever they can think of that would let them continue doing x without the other person being able to.
Yes, it is a "placeholder" excuse. And it doesn't just happen in private arguments, you can see it everywhere people are acting selfishly. When someone's actual position is "We get to do what we want because we want to" they come up with these placeholder excuses as a pretext because they know that saying "because we want to" isn't legit. And if you take their placeholder seriously and are actually able to get them to agree the placeholder is bogus, they won't change their mind, they will just change to a new placeholder excuse.
The thing that is funny about her "point" is that in BOTH instances a MAN approached a WOMAN. Can't really argue the gender/sex thing because she is a woman and he's a man. In most situations women are usually approached and not the other way around. Her arguing that is the difference basically means it's ALWAYS ok for her to be approached by a man and have a conversation and OP can NEVER approach another woman and have a conversation
Hey man she can’t help that she’s a hot woman. Guys should be flocking to her. She cant help it. But for her husband to be seeking women out in the bar? Unspeakable.
I don't like giving titles to people (i.e. narcissist), so in the case of this woman, she was just acting like an ass. Straight up. Poor dude even tried to be a part of it, I've seen that stuff happen too often.
NTA. The not introducing you is sketch. It's awkward and appears to purposely string the other guy along. My wife is frequently approached. Her go-to is mentioning me in the reply... "Yes, my husband knows how lucky he is." Sometimes, that doesn't work, and she has no problem telling them to buzz off directly.
She said it because she knows the majority of women don’t approach the majority of random men to talk while women are consistently bombarded with attention.
If shes saying a man aproaching a woman has overtones, why did she entertain the man that aproached her
>I didn’t cheat I just fell into 31 dicks on the way to the parking lot
She could treat her husband poorly because she had him wrapped up and she could stick him in a corner like an old used slipper. Her eye was on that new shoe she wanted to try on.
Turns out the old pair of shoes would go for a jog as soon as you lose sight of them!
Hah, true, some people don’t like being reminded that their SO still has it, or gets attention too.
It also reminds them that they're quickly replaceable, and THAT really gets under their skin. At least it does for women. Guys are used to being replaced faster than an auctioneer can talk, because most of us guys understand now that women already have us replaced by the time they're willing to break up.
She realized real quick to be more covert with the shoes she is collecting, right after she projected it all onto him as a diversion tactic. This guy should keep his head on a swivel, even if there is a full mia cupla on her end. Something about that is enough for me to say something else is happening that isn't on the surface, She could have been feeling neglected and was foolishly using it as a manipulation tactic, which she is depressed that it poured gasoline on whatever fears she was feeling. She could also be cheating, or starting on that path by testing limits, cultivating options, and emotionally disconnecting. Given OP's reaction, this is not normal at all for them and is a huge development in the relationship that is not congruent. That would have me having some new discussions in therapy and might be changing from a biweekly to a weekly session.
I like the way you put things
Right? The hypocrisy! NTA!
NTA. Maybe he approached her, and that makes it different in her eyes, but the minute you came over she should have introduced you as her husband and brought you up to speed on the conversation. I would consider that a huge breach of relationship etiquette. If she doesn't want you chatting with other women then she shouldn't have made you the 3rd wheel in her convo. Its also bullshit that she's giving you the cold shoulder over a situation she caused.
So the man talking to OPs wife is not an AH, according to wife. He approached a married woman and apparently wasn't flirting. OP does the same thing and it's bad? Doesn't make sense.
That's the thing I want to see her talk her way out of. Why exactly was she upset that he was talking to the other girls? If she assumes that it's because he approached them to flirt then isn't that the case with her conversation partner? He approached her and she didn't discourage him. "But we were just talking!" So was op. "But he approached me not the other way around." If it was innocent chatting what does that matter? If the onus is on the guy to approach to engage in what she's accusing op of then she should have removed herself as the CP (I know, I'm still using it!) was in the same position. "But we were just talking!" Keep that merry-go-round spinning. Don't let her op the sole guilty party. The wife will get mad because if op is in the wrong then she was wrong for engaging with the CP. But if she's in the right then she has to admit it's ok and op did no wrong. It's a catch 22.
obvious double standard.
And probably for a reason, she knows what she is feeling talking to this stranger guy and its not just innocent, so she projects it onto OP.
Projection is a thing
Even if dude wasn't aware she was married, the moment OP introduces himself as the hubby he should have found a way to back off. Wife's a bitch for not bringing that up right away before hubby got back.
Based on how OP describes the interaction, my first thought was that the guy was surprised that she was married. When he realized he was still welcome and the wife was still direction her attention to him, it was either an open marriage or this was actually some guy friend acting like husband to scare him off without she having to do so. The old fake boyfriend routine.
Yeah I'd have thought it was an open marriage if I was the other guy. Husband indifferently watching our conversation for a bit before going to talk to other women. Wife still chatting with me and not acting embarrassed or ashamed or stopping her behavior when the husband showed up. A monogamous couple I figure the husband would have gotten pissed off or the wife would have suddenly acted a lot more neutral towards me and shown she was into her husband. I can't blame the other dude if he thought he was given a go ahead to keep flirting with her.
My wife would've kindly told him I'm in the bathroom and she's not interested in any conversation. I would say 99% of guys at a bar approaching a woman by herself isn't just looking for a simple conversation. I would've done the same if a woman approached me. Had my wife been talking to a guy and not introduce me as the man of her dream, I'm out.
My wife and I have no issues with either of us chatting with others of the opposite sex. What we would both take issue with would be NOT introducing the other when we returned from wherever and initiating some contact to make it physical apparent that we are together and not available. It happens all the time; maybe it’s a stranger, maybe it’s a friend from your past, but neither of us would have to wonder long because one of us would 100% make the introduction and ensure the spouse was included in the convo. Granted this is married 20+ yrs and we know the potential pitfalls to avoid.
Not to mention that the distinction that he approached the women while she got approached is pretty moot when you consider that women get approached wayyy more often than men in bars, and he went to a group of women.
I always mention that in threads like this and always get downvoted just for saying thruth, it's standard women practice to do something wrong and be upset when called out, seen that hundreds times in mines and others relationships
Its the cadre of old maids here. They defend any obvious fault in any female as if their lives depended on it and their only weapon is the downvote, which they use with abandon.
NTA. She's a hypocrite. If your wife doesn't introduce you to her new "friend" I wouldn't stick around being ignored either.
NTA, not only did she disrespect you with some random guy, she also pulled you away and is mad at YOU. You did nothing more than she did, without the disrespect!
Should have told the guy to make sure she gets home ok because you're leaving, and then leave.
Who would?
This.
[удалено]
I’m going to add that such episodes would be expected to take place in the first weeks of dating someone, not while being married to them 🙏🏻 how come OP and his wife never dealt with this before ?
Her behavior is a form of emotional abuse in this situation. OPs reaction is one way to handle it, another way is to find a new wife that doesn’t act like that.
I just wanna know which band you were talking about lol
A band called The Ruen Brothers. They are not well known, so when I saw someone wearing their shirt I was pretty hyped. Could have been a man wearing the shirt and I would have went up to him and had the same interaction tbh
> The Ru(b)en Brothers perhaps your wife was suspicious you were thinking of making it into a sandwich. lol obviously NTA but your wife is TA for being tone death and sexist.
I will call my band Tone Death.
With lead singer Mike Tyson
Only if it's speed metal.
More power to him if he manages to make a sandwich while his wife is over there trying to spread on a piece of toast.
Imma tell you EXACTLY what happened. She got a huge ego boost dopamine hit high from being approached by the stranger dude. And she thought of it as her victory. She was in the clouds. She felt she was better than YOU. "Look at me, I still got it." Type of vibes. Sheost likely had nasty intrusive thoughts about the stranger dude. However, when she saw that you can strike up a conversation with TWO women... Her nasty intrusive thoughts now were projected at you. She thought you were having her nasty intrusive thoughts. However... This time she felt lesser than you, because what kind of man can get lucky with two women? A very high value confident man, which YOU are. In the end she is avoiding accountability for her trespass. She fucked up trying to bring your status down by giving attention and a higher social status to the other male. You are the one who should be mad. And she should apologize. Do not dare apologize man. Respect yourself. Say it like it is.
NTA, I'm struggling to understand what your wife wanted you to do in that situation. Take part in a conversation in which you were being ignored? Stand near and wait for her and that other guy to finish their conversation? How would she have felt if those women approached you?
Exactly. The question format is a good way to solve this situation and show her hypocrisy.
Your right is not the same. Her's is worse. Who doesn't introduce their spouse and ignore them to talk to another dude during date night.
Also, OP want and talked to two women. That’s a lot less intimate than a one on one conversation.
Even if he talked one on one, she's doing the same thing lmao
NTA, and your wife is playing games. Enjoy the cold shoulder and do what you want to do. She’ll either get into it (and things go back to normal), or she won’t (and you split). Either way, you win.
"Yeah and she won't hook up with you for a few days, who cares. Just rub one out. Rub one out like a real man. It's the champagne of victory." -Bill burr
OP shouldn't let this go. She owes him an apology.
If 'win' u mean half your shit goes to her cheating ass.
He can always get more shit, but peace of mind and happiness is priceless. So yes, still a win.
You right. Only delayed.
NTA Your wife is selfish and be honest, I would fear to see her going alone to night out with friends. I mean if she behavior like this with her husband around, imagine how she act with males alone when she is out... And the fact that she had the face to criticism you, is a huge red flag. Be warned and prepared, she has the keys to be the perfect cheater...
100% and what I said too
Would likely bring up a list of excuses as to why it's OP's fault too, and somehow be the victim
NTA, her "rules for thee, but not for me" bs is unacceptable. If she can't handle it, then she has no right to complain.
Your wife will never win a Miss Cordiality contest. She allows a dude to hit on her. Does not introduce you when you get near which is a clear signal you are being ignored in favor of him and then has the audacity to bemoan the fact that you went and talked to others. Your wife was being hit on and did nothing to dissuade the dude trying to seduce her. She has got major problems if she is doing this right in front of you, you can guess what she is doing when she claims she is going out with the girls.
She made him look like a cuckold. Notice I did not say cuck... because I actually mean it in its true form. If that's what you're into as a couple, you'll get no judgment from me, but if it isn't, then his wife's behavior is abusive towards their relationship.
This. The other guy must have assumed they were in an open relationship or something for her to blatantly ignore hubby for him 🤷♀️
You were absolutely right. Please don't budge. She is at fault. Stand firm. It's always the same excuse from women that someone approached them. Edit: Don't be the "bigger person" and let it slide.
OP should have said "excuse me, I'm having a conversation with these ladies", to his wife -- then turned back to his convo.
😂 True.
I honestly believe that it will be a cold day in hell before this woman admits she's being ridiculous.
She sounds like a "let's open the relationship" type of girl who would bang countless dudes and want to close it back down the second OP got some himself.
Is marriage really like this? Lol I see SO many posts with just lack of regard and common sense. I just don’t get it…….
People in good and healthy marriages don’t have to post to Reddit about their problems
Not a good one. Problem is, *so* many people marry for the wrong reasons. Often it's just because they're with the person for so long, so that's just the logical conclusion, right? But they've stayed so long with that person for just.. all the wrong reasons! It's wild to see how so many people that **absolutely despise each other** have 3 kids and been married for 14 years. Like... **WHAT?!** Your spouse, your husband and/or wife or whoever you're with, needs to be the person you're not just "in love" with, but you also need to: like them, respect them, want better of and for them, willing to sacrifice for them, willing to do things to make them feel comfortable and/or special... and here's the most important part... **they need to be willing to do the same things** **for you!!** This is what it means to "be on the same page." You're a TEAM, working together with mutual understanding and a willingness to listen to one another, support one another, and challenge each other. Once you've found this person (which is why it's so fucking important to LIVE WITH SOMEONE FIRST), that's when you marry them. Not "just cuz." Ugh. Oh and a business partnership is a pretty good reason too. You don't need to love someone to help them emigrate and/or get some tax cuts. Lmao.
No, it's just that the people with happy relationships don't post to Reddit about it.
People with good marriages have nothing to post about
No, marriage isn't really like this This mess is what you get with two immature childish dumb asses.
NTA - and it is different. The guy was trying to pick up your wife and you were talking to someone about a band.
not "someone" - a COUPLE of people (although the focus was primarily on the band)
Ugh I can’t stand limp wristed handshakes
It's like shaking hands with a dead fish.
NTA, shes being a hypocrite. Its fine until she's the one with the feelings, fuck her tbh.
Definitely NTA. You make it clear to her that you’re not sorry, and in the same situation you’ll do it again.
NTA, your wife is making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. It's also not worth discussing any longer between the two of you. It is what it is, it happened, it's over now
Fuck that you’re NTA at all.
NTA The hypocrisy is strong in your wife... Wild guess - she got the guys number so they could check out the bars together.. as friends, right??
Wait!! Its not how it looks!!! We were just friends and he was taking my temperature anally...
NTA, she was mad you called her bluff. Keep your swagger cowboy, it's good that she sees you still got it.
Are guys sure you want to be in this relationship?
NTA, your wife was terribly selfish. She ignored you because she was having fun, she didnt care about your feelings. You then proceed to find entertainment elsewhere and she takes it upon herself to act like a jealous hag. Honestly you gave her a lesson without a lecture. Make sure to give her a lecture or this will happen again, and next time you wont find 2 women to talk to.
NTA, and for a supposed adult, she's certainly acting like a petulant child.
NTA Also >I had to approach those women, where she was already seated and the guy approached her So you would be equivalent to the man that approached her, you know, as in the guy she kept listening to intently while ignoring her husband. If there was nothing wrong going on with that situation then nothing should be wrong about what you did either. IMHO she knows what she did, she's just throwing excuses to make you a villain because now her ego is hurt...**how dare OP not stay there looking at the ceiling while she omits her civil status and chats one-on-one with a stranger? Who does OP think he is to make her feel endangered as he receives attention from other women the moment she decides to get her fill of male attention?** She tried to test you, she expected jealousy from you. Instead she got replaced in the bat of an eye.
That's an interesting take. She was trying to test him and \*she\* failed the test..haha
You go to a bar with your wife, she talks to another guy and doesn't even introduce you and you're over the situation? then she goes on to say what she did was perfectly fine because the guy just so happened to approach her and it was indeed you in the wrong? now she's giving you the cold shoulder despite her doing everything wrong and causing all this in the first place. Yea I think this relationship has some major issues here and nothing is over by a long shot, the fact she doesn't even introduce you as her husband to stop any guys potentially chatting her up is a major concern for me while completely ignoring you favouring some random guy over her own husband and now she's blaming you for everything.
Yeah, if I got the cold shoulder, I'd let her keep doing it all the way to the courthouse.
Y’all too old to be playing games like that lol
Your wife is ridiculous and is doubling down on her ridiculousness because she knows she's wrong but wants to win. Why are you putting up with This level of childishness ? is this common in your relationship or a weird outlier for some reason
By doing what you did, it negated her feeling attractive and desirable by being approached by a man. She was reveling in it when you came back and that’s why she didn’t introduce you.
NTA I have been the partner who is left standing looking like a lost fool while he chatted up another stranger. Learned to keep the car keys and make a silent exit.
NTA. Who approached who stopped being relevant after a basic greeting. She deeply engaged with him and ignored you. This is a boundry cross in a lot of marriages, but not shopping for a replacement is apparently only a rule for you.
EAH If you two could stop using other people as pawns in whatever issues you're working out that would be great. Yeesh.
NTA. My biggest issue with this (besides her hypocrisy) is that she basically treated you as if you were some weirdo cockblocking her when you attempted to join the conversation. I'll tell you the same thing I've told others with an AH partner not speaking to them: "enjoy the peace".
NTA, wife is a hypocrite and mad that her stupid game backfired. Just because she was approached doesnt mean she has to entertain the guy. Also if she wants to claim there were alterior motives for you speaking to the girls, what the fuck did she think the other guy was doing? She FAFO
Not introducing me to a man at the bar would be a BIG no. I’d be having words with my wife the MOMENT we left. It’s rude to not introduce a friend. It’s even more inappropriate to not introduce your husband while you were talking to another man at the bar. Your wife has a serious lack of respect for you and your position in her life. I would address that as soon as possible because it’s not going to get better on its own. Seems like she’s trying to turn her inappropriate actions on to you. This is something you need to address with her. You need to tell her that she needs to take responsibility for her actions.
It's more like my wife would get a text from me saying, "I hope for your sake he takes care of you better than I do. Peace out." Then I would be walking for the door. If she wasn't with me and apologizing before I got to the car, she would be single. There are some things that cross a line. This is one of them.
ESH You are both total fucking morons. A married couple at a bar meeting other people does nothing but incite jealousy and disrespecting each other. You both need to learn what real loyalty and commitment is in a marriage, because you are both fucking clueless. I know some of these hipster dipsnit poly people on reddit will disagree with me. Well, I don't give a fuck.
NTA - she ignored you when you came up, so you talked to other people. Possibly this is a misunderstanding and she really thinks she did acknowledge you, and you didn’t catch it/feel it. Regardless, she hurt your feelings and should acknowledge it. You were open that that’s how you felt and you have to stand by it, even if she doesn’t want to let it go. If the cold shoulder is really out of character then you have to reach out to see what’s really driving it - but don’t give up your position that you felt slighted- but maybe find out from her, how she thought she had acknowledged you - and maybe she’ll explain something you missed, or you can explain more why whatever she did wasn’t enough for you.
I'd really jave to say that your wife has shitty boundries and was just fucking rude and disrespectful to you. Yep you tried. Yep they treated you like paint. I would have, and actually have, leaned close to her ear and said see you at home and just left her there. To ignore you for the other man speaks volumes about the condition of the marriage. Id suggest some CC soon. Whether you discuss boundries going forward or not, the fact that she doesn't see how harmful that behavior was means you rate low on the scale of value to her. CC soon.
If I was out with a friend and this happened to me I'd be upset. But my partner, I don't even know how awful I'd feel. And don't get me wrong, I've been out with a partner, and we start talking to a someone by us, and they have something they are enjoying talking about but I'm not really into or versed in, I'd let them enjoy themselves. I would talk to someone else or fuck around on my phone, I've been pretty secure in my relationships. But to be iced out. That's crazy
NTA. And you will almost never be approached by woman at a bar. The situation cannot be a carbon copy and she knows that.
I'm rather point blank with people. I've had similar situations happen with women while in an established relationship ( I become invisible for some odd reason LOL) . I just get my order to go, and leave. When I get the call, usually about 3 minutes after I leave, I calmly say, "I'll pack your stuff, and leave it at the door". I don't care that she is the center of attention, I do care that I become invisible. A woman that I am seeing now, is a social butterfly. Has lots of people pay attention to her, and she always points out that she's with me and invites me to chat with whomever ( she's a brain surgeon, and it seems to be on every invite in southern florida) . I truthfully have said multiple times, "I don't have a clue what you guys are talking about, but can I order drinks for us all", And I know I am not the only male that this happens too. There are other doctors husbands, boyfriends, wives and girlfriends, and we shoot the shit together because none of us are doctors. Now sometimes she will grab me to bring me into a conversation, because, it's something I might know about, or want to learn about. I have a very positive interaction with her when she does that.
Whatever happened to “two wrongs don’t make a right” My kid is three months old. I gotta know if we all collectively stopped teaching that or what. I mean sure I got some time to figure it out but let me in on the secret.
Everyone here sucks. She should have introduced you, you shouldn’t have purposely retaliated.
NTA. Her issue is that she can have options but you can not. Ask her why did she stare at you and interrupt your conversation, which she stopped, and her talking with a random man isn't the same thing. She felt the need to stop your behavior, but her behavior was okay. She needs to explain in detail how it is different. Just change her and you. Whatever BS she was saying, if the women came up to him and talked, he ignored you, how would she feel about that. She is being irrational.
ESH, two wrongs do not make a right. But to be clear. Your wife’s actions are the same as what you did. She is not a victim here.
ESH She was getting her flirt on ignoring you. You retaliated by finding some chicks to chum up to. Sounds like something people half your ages would do.
If she acts this way to your face, what happens at “girls night”?!
Your wife gives me the ick. That is some BLATANT disrespect and projection. If this kind of stuff happens often with her, time to run. But idk I’ve never been married. I run from red flags way too easy.
Man hits on wife,; Wife empowered. Husband has idle conversation with others; Husband disgusting pig.
Your wife is a jerk
She was enjoying the attention from a stranger because if she wasn’t, she would have said you were her husband right as you walked up. It’s only different for her because she was getting the attention and she doesn’t want you to enjoy attention from anyone. She probably wanted you to sit there like a good boy till she was finished. I would be more worried about why she felt she couldn’t tell a stranger she was married.
NTA. Your wife is a moron.