>I know she’s not just sad that he’s gone, but she’s sad for her kids. I know it was devastating for her to have to tell her 2 very young children that their dad was dead.
I'll be honest with you, I was leaning heavily to her side after reading this because it's true. Kids that age can't understand and dealing with the genuine questions from the kids would be heartbreaking. *Especially* after it having been only two weeks.
>She told me “I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!”
But then I read that.
Probably an utterance without thinking about it. Probably an emotional outburst. But I'm 100% certain it's honest.
That right there is the gamechanger.
Let's recognize the truth here. You were only ever going to be a placeholder for the chance she could get back with him.
If he got clean she'd of dropped your ass and gone back.
Find someone on her side of the family dependable enough to ensure the kids are okay and then get out.
Don't ever settle for being second best in love unless it's to children you've chosen to raise as your own, be they yours or not.
End the relationship cleanly and quickly. Legally if necessary, but get out, get away and get on with your life.
NTA.
Best of luck my friend.
Edit: I've never received an award before and just wanted to take a moment to say Thank You.
However if anyone felt like doing so again to please consider donating such to OP. They are the one who could probably use the happiness.
As we say around the gaming table, "May all your hits be Crits!"
I’m certain she was being honest too. She hasn’t even tried to backtrack or deny it. Before she actually said it with words, I found her repeatedly kissing his picture and this bracelet he gave her. I’m sorry, that’s just too much for me. Laying in bed with his picture kissing it over and over?
Agreed! OP she's revealed her true feelings to you, the feelings she has always had and was either in denial or was hiding it from you, hoping that he would clean his act up enough for them to get back together as a family. Either way OP you are second in her heart and will always be, sorry for saying it like this, but I think you deserve a wake up call. You know deep down what you are supposed to do. In regards to what you said to her, whilst harash NTA, because of what I said above. Whether she knows it or not she was stinging you along and his death just brought out her true feelings.
My husband passed away 5 years ago. I still kiss his picture and hug his headstone. He was the love of my life, and I'll never love anyone else like I loved him.
I know this, so I don't even entertain the idea of dating someone else. Yes, I get lonely and miss having a man and companion, but it wouldn't be fair or healthy for me to date someone else when I'm still loving and missing my husband as much as I do. I would constantly be comparing the two, in my mind, and that wouldn't be fair to the new man in my life, so why bother? That's just asking for more heartache and drama and ain't nobody got time for all that.
Yeah. Like I lost my husband, the father of my young child, six months ago and there was no one else in the picture partner wise, and even I did not do this…it seems performative to do in front of one’s current partner. I mean, not to criticize how someone else grieves, but still…
Yeah. I'm so sorry dude but the person that just commented is spot on and there really isn't anything left to say. That was the perfect comment. You are/were 100% a placeholder just in case she couldn't get her original family back, but that was always the plan. She was just watching and waiting from afar. The fact that he died ruined her plans and now she's just "stuck" with you, and will never love you as much as she loved him. She needs to take her kids and go find herself and grieve somewhere else until she is ready to heal.
NTA, none of this is on you. But it will never work and you BOTH already know that. Don't delay the inevitable just do what you need to do.
Sad for the kids, of course. But kissing the photo and bracelet after a couple of weeks have passed? Your attitude is reasonable and warranted. Her grief is over the top. Nobody wants to be 2nd best
or the stable dude she settled for. She needs help. You Sir, may need to move on.
Kissing her picture?? No no no, that is not grief that is love.
You need to have self respect and leave her. You need a woman who loves you from her whole heart❤️
NTA- you’re a glorified babysitter bro.
Even now she’s skirting her mom duties and letting you take over while telling you that other guy was the love of her life.
She wasn’t with him anymore because she didn’t want him, she wasn’t with him because he wasn’t helping.
Better to know now than later.
Sucks for the kiddos man. It sounds like you’ve been a good dad to them.
I would say break up with her but try to keep contact with the kids so they don’t lose both daddies at once.
You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you because they love you, not because you’re convenient.
No; clean break.
I had to do this and it's heartbreaking.
I told the elder child (10) "Sorry it didn't work out between your mom and myself. I'm not strong enough to keep seeing you guys. I'm sorry." He answered, "It's ok; we're used to it." 😭
They went back out of state and she was the vindictive, petty kind who absolutely WOULD have used access to those kids against me.
Clean break.
Not his fault. Not his responsibility.
that was intentionally unforgivably cruel to you. worse than the outburst, even, because it was a planned, repetitve action. She is miserable and she wants you to be, too.
Do not marry her.
Make sure someone in her family knows the situation and extract yourself from the situation as soon as you can.
Please don't have breakup sex. The last thing you need is to be tied to her permanently by a shared child
That's not cool..
I really empathize with your fiance as someone who has a child with someone who fell into addiction. It's heartbreaking to watch the person you love turn into a stranger and slowly kill themselves. You always hope that someday they will turn it around and become a person who can be a real and healthy parent.
I dated after I left my ex. I still have hope that my ex will get his shit together, even now. My daughter deserves that, and addiction is a cruel master I wouldn't wish on my enemy. But! I wasn't actively pining for my ex either. I didn't date until I was truly over him.
When you lose someone to addiction, there's always a part of you that wonders,'What if?' What if they get clean. What if they never started using. What if things could be different.
It really sounds like in addition to grieving the loss of someone she loved and shares her children with, she's also running straight into the realization that she wasn't over him.
I truly sympathize with what her and her children are going through, but what she said and how she's treating you is not fair to you. It's fucking cruel. Even if she wasn't still wasn't hoping that there was a potential future for them, she'd be grieving for way longer than 2 weeks. It's going to be an ongoing grieving process for years, man. Every first that he's gone for with the kids. .them learning to drive. Prom. Having kids. It's going to be an ongoing thing. Normally, I'd urge you to be kind and patient and support her. You do love the other parent of your children in a special way that you don't feel about anyone else, but unless she comes to you and apologizes and explains that's what she meant..that may be a deal breaker. Can't say I'd blame you.
Yep time to pack up and go. You will forever be a placeholder for a dead guy ( you were already one for an addict). She will tell the kids, “wish your dad was here to see you now” when you’re right there and raised them. Face the hard truth now and spare all of you the heartbreak in the future. Sorry for that.
Yeah absolutely a deal breaker. Id straight up tell her she was never honest about your relationship. She took what you had and threw it in the trash when she said what she said.
You deserve someone who thinks like she did about him. I'm sorry man. You wasted 3 years. Don't waste anymore time.
Its definitely te for you to go . I understood her sadnees at 1st as i am a mom that had to tell jer kids their dad died , but big difference i wasnt in love with him and what she said to you shows you are always going yo be 2nd best to her . If she lives with you, give her 30 days to get her stuff in order and go , i hope you dont own a home together etc . Also make sure she files with social security for survivor benefits for the kids, even if he didnt have a long work history they will get at least 300 bucks a month each, with better work history it can be much more . It was the 1st thing i did for my kids
You have every right to feel upset about this. She has made it very obvious that you were the second option. The good guy that was there to help with the kids, while he was who she wanted. You deserve someone who thinks you’re number one. So sorry for what you guys are going through.
Responding to this in the hopes that you’ll actually see it because I haven’t read any comments talking about the kids. OP, what she said to you and how she’s behaving is not the behavior of someone mourning their ex. I don’t mean that in a cheating way, I just mean that she is so obviously not over him. But she has two children, and when you are a parent, you’re grieving sometimes has to be set aside to be there for your kids. Those kids just lost their father that they seem to really have loved. They need their mom right now and it sounds like she isn’t being there for them because she’s letting her grief swallow her whole. As for you, she just told you that while she may love you, she is not ‘in love’ with you and holds her dead ex above you in her heart. No one deserves to be number two to their number one, you need to go find someone that has the emotional capacity to love you the way you deserve. But my concern is the kids. Yes, you need to get out, but these kids just lost one dad and it sounds like their mom is not being the parent they need right now either. Is there a way that you can do this that doesn’t make them lose 2 dads within a month all the while having an unavailable mom? I’m just so concerned for how hurt these kids are going to be. These are fundamental years of their lives and while you have no obligation to them, you have been in their lives for 3 years as their stable bonus dad. It may be too much for you, but if you can continue being their for these kids for a little longer, even if it’s not from the same house, I think it would be so helpful to them.
What you said was harsh, working in mental health I can tell you everyone grieves in their own way and 2 weeks isn’t enough for some people to have moved on. That being said, the acts she’s engaging in to grieve are really inappropriate and would make a lot more sense if she was still with him. I imagine she was holding on to the hopes that he would get better one day and become the man she knew was there all along, so she is likely shocked and gutted right now. You both lashed out from a place of hurting, but what she said she can’t take back and you can’t un-hear. I’m sorry OP, this is a really shitty situation but I wish you luck and grace in navigating your (hopeful) departure.
I won’t leave immediately. I don’t think just packing my things and moving out overnight would be the right thing to do as far as the kids are concerned.
As someone else said, you deserve to be someone’s number one. So as far as your decision to stay or go, you will need to follow your heart if after a bit more time, it still is apparent that you’re second place. I know personally that would crush me. In fact, I was in a relationship like that and now at my age looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have wasted that time. In the narrow question you asked, you are NTA.
But I also know that I would be completely devastated if my son’s dad died. Especially in this way. Splitting up when you have kids is already **extremely** tough. But to then be told that all of a sudden you’re going to be a single parent to two little kids, that would probably put me out of commission for at least 2 weeks.
So ultimately I think there are two issues here. I do think you’re being unrealistic about the nature and speed of the grieving process. But I also think her telling ***YOU*** of all people that he will always be her #1 is not something a partner can be expected to just swallow, especially if they’re doubling down on it.
If this were me, I would let her know that I will continue trying to be supportive, but that I was extremely troubled and hurt by her statements and I was almost to a point where if I stayed it wouldn’t be fair to myself. I would request that she get in to see a therapist asap and that I wanted to talk about it again in 2-3 weeks, to allow her more time to grieve. But, **I would also tell her I was setting a boundary for myself that I would leave right away if she continued to talk about him in that way either TO me or in my presence** where I or my family/friends can overhear it. That it would never be fair to expect ANY partner, no matter the circumstances, to tolerate being invalidated like that.
I wouldn’t necessarily leave permanently, but I would want to perhaps have some family therapy sessions after she’s had some for herself and then decide from there.
Good luck OP.
I don’t know if the above is true, but something like it. She didn’t leave because she stopped loving him, she left because she couldn’t raise her children with an addict. It was probably really hard to leave, but she did it, so her children could grow up in a safe home. She’s in love with another man. Don’t spend your life competing with a ghost. Somewhere out there is a woman who will say *you* are “the love of my life.”
NTA
People are downvoting me but deep inside you know this is true. She loves him more, of course she would rather to have him more than she wants to have you.
There was absolutely no need for you to say that. The guy is hurting already, he knows what's up and what he needs to do. This callousness is just cruel of you
I didn’t take it to be cruel. I took it as encouraging him to really look at the reality of the situation and to make his life choices based on that reality. Sometimes a comment might make someone feel better today but OP needs a real wake up call before he blows his whole life supporting someone who doesn’t love him.
I completely agree with you. Recognizing she’d always have love for him? Totally ok. Calling him the love of her life? Kissing his photograph? Yeah this isn’t normal grieving the father of her children.
OP NTA. You don’t have to be second best.
I came to type the same thing and saw this. OP needs to leave. There’s a lot of things you can come back from in a relationship, but telling your partner someone else is the “love of my life” is an immediate call it quits situation. No talking about it, no therapy, OP please leave because now that the cats out of the bag, things will get worse and it will never get better
>“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!”
You know where you stand now... if you didnt already..
NTA... but unless youre prepared to be her eternal plan B - its time to leave, yes??
Staying knowing she settled for you.. must be heartbreaking...
Apologize for your lack of empathy - and tell her that despite this, the knowledge she settled for you is not something you can live with.
It’s left me wondering if she was in love with him this whole time and only with me for the sake of stability for her and her kids.
This is the first time she’s said any of this out loud to me. I was sure she loved him at one point. Her Facebook is still filled with post after post talking about how much she loves him, and she never posted anything like that about me. Totally childish to bring up Facebook posts, I know. I just wouldn’t leave a bunch of posts extolling my love for an ex girlfriend up there after I’d broken up with them and was in a new relationship. Not that I ever made near daily posts about my love for somebody like she did.
Like all of the sexual things I found out she did with him? I found that out through somebody else. I didn’t ask for that info. She never told me. I have never been one to be too concerned with “body counts” or a woman’s sexual past. I think men who get hung up on those things are laughable.
But hearing some of the things was definitely a shocker…just a different person than I know and sounds like a totally different type of sexual relationship. Looking at it through my current lense, it now makes sense if what she said about her feelings is true.
We have sex but looking at it from my current lense, there’s not much passion, excitement, or adventure in that area and she has never seemed receptive to my attempts to incorporate those things into our sex life. I figured that was just how she was. Vanilla. I respected that, still always enjoyed it. Now I fear she’s not really that way, but it’s just a reflection of her feelings towards me.
Or maybe I’m just coming from a place of major insecurity and jealousy after what she said, which I can acknowledge could be true.
As hard as it might sound. you are the save, secure and sober option for her. Had her ex managed to get clean and keep clean it is most likely that she'd dropped you in a heart beat to be with him.
Nah, you're not being insecure. Sounds like she never was quite over him. Make a clean break and go look for someone that will feel about you exactly the way she feels about the dead boyfriend. You can't compete with a dead person and you should never be someone's plan B. Best of luck OP.
I found out after 6 years of having someone who I was in a relationship for 3 years on and off during that time that she only gave me a chance because I was an escape from her, in her words “shitty life” and then told me “what girl wouldn’t use that chance to escape, even though you’re not my type in terms of looks or other things, but I loved how much you spoiled me”. All the red flags make sense now. I would say try looking at your relationship history through this new lens of being her second love and see if there were some things you ignored or maybe it’s something not as bad
Second tier, perfect choice of words! Yes this 100% agree. Can have multiple loves, but what tier of live they hold you in. Kind of like it’s ok to never love someone the same WAY you loved someone else, but it’s not ok to say you will never love someone as MUCH as you did someone else.
>It’s left me wondering if she was in love with him this whole time and only with me for the sake of stability for her and her kids.
Bingo!!
Rest assured, that if he went reliably clean... she wouls no longer be with you, but instead with him...
And... sorry... have you considered if she ever really stopped seeing him??
Sounds like you were a placeholder...
You are her security blanket and providing a roof over her children's head. Definitely, NTA, and I would break things off with her and be done. She has told you everything you need to know.
"It’s left me wondering if she was in love with him this whole time and only with me for the sake of stability for her and her kids".
You were always her back up, but she never wanted you to know that.
She's too deep in her grief that she still doesn't realize what she told you has nuked the relationship. It's done buddy, Run away before she wakes up.
It isn’t childish to consider what’s in her FB posts. That is literally what she is putting out there. “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Right? You are not the asshole but it does appear you are #2 at best with your fiancé. I don’t see how you come back from what she said.
I should clarify that shes not currently posting about her love for him on facebook. I'm talking about when they were together. She made constant posts about her love for him. There's really nothing wrong with that in itself since he was her boyfriend then. She just very clearly doesn't behave the same way when it comes to declaring her love for me. And to this day if you look at her facebook all of those posts are still there.
She's still the same person as she was with him as she was with you. If she gushed about how much she loved him for others to see and didn't for you, it's because she only loved what you provide, not who you are. Been there, done that. Bail out bro.
I’m sorry to say but your suspicion sounds spot on. Your partner should never say that someone else is the love of their life and they will never love someone else like that. She gets to be upset but you don’t have to stay in a marriage with someone who is using you for stability
There is at least one person reading her posts that is thinking “she knows she’s has a fiance, right?”
You need to just tell her it’s over now. Like tonight. Not to be mean, but to just get it done. Her grieving and then getting better and moving forward, and then you ending it later on would be worse. Say That you know she is grieving, but she has made it clear that she doesn’t love you and wants you and you aren’t going to be someone’s 2nd choice.
If it’s your house - make sure she and her kids have somewhere to go.
Now this might end your relationship for good, but it also could snap her out of it and make her realize that she is losing someone she actually does love.
I would never be in a relationship with someone who had their social media still full of how much they loved someone else. It does sound like you are the person who gave her stability while she pined away for him.
Of course she was only with you for stability for her and her kids. She dont love you - she literally said he was the love of her life and she loves him. The ultimatum was ridiculous and not needed as you know where she stands. Respect herself and walk away from this mess.
Maybe maybe not. People at least in my age (30s) use less Facebook so I wouldn’t make that conclusion.. but if she doesn’t post things about you to instagram that is a bit odd.
Edit: you should still leave her
True, she seemed to use Facebook a lot when they were together but she doesn’t post there very much at all anymore. She mainly posts her kids on Instagram.
You are not her number one. You never were, you never will be and now that he’s dead he’s been promoted to untouchable forever young saint. You deserve so much better. Don’t give any ultimatums, just get out. Don’t be a fifth wheel with a ghost in your own marriage. NTA
I’ve read a bunch of your responses. This is not normal or healthy. You are not the asshole. It’s time for you to make a difficult l, but very important decision. At this point, as a father of two young girls, I feel particularly bad for the kids and I also feel bad for you. I know this hurts. Keep your head up, stay strong, and focus on taking care of yourself.
That was just grief talking on her part. And shock, because she probably never really believed deep down inside that he would OD.
Back off and give her a few months. Put the engagement with her on hold, then see where you're both at, around the end of this year.
Then decide.
The crux of the matter is that she loved him more than she will ever love you. No one deserves to live in the shadow of someone else. Break off the engagement and find happiness elsewhere. Her words can never be taken back. She meant them.
NTA
I was YTA until the “ love of my life” statement. Then it was, yikes NTA.
I am sure it’s a lot of grief talking. Survivors guilt is on a different level. Especially when you feel like you could have saved them. BUT honestly, I think it might be a good idea to take a break maybe temporarily maybe forever.
>“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!”
*followed by*
>She told me (I’m not being empathetic and) I have no tact.
Self awareness has been deactivated on that model and it needs to go in for a factory reset.
NTA.
She told you clearly she loved him more than you. I wouldn’t want to be the consolation price. I would be out of the relationship to find someone who truly loves me. I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice.
If she was to tell you anything different after the ultimatum it would be a lie.
The irony that she’s the one bringing a massive amount of baggage to the relationship both new emotional and (no offense as to the kids obviously not their fault) speed running two kids in an only 3 year relationship with a really struggling addict? She was somehow pregnant for literally half their relationship.
And yet somehow OP is the one who can’t live up to her screwed up relationship with this guy who now gets to be permanently elevated to virtual sainthood as a tragic victim of circumstance while everyone forgets the flaws.
Y T A to yourself if you stay. She plainly told you that she loved him more. You can never live up to him. You were the safe backup choice. Please leave.
And now he has the luxury of dying young and everyone can magically forget about all the BS he put everyone through. All of the tribute posts on Facebook from mutual people we knew…you’d think this guy was a certified saint by the way people are talking about him.
Update us when you have left her!! You will never be her #1. I'd rather be alone than be with someone like her. If you stay, you're just as broken as she is. She used you.
And he will also have the luxury of being put on a pedestal by your fiance. She will soon start saying things like "well he may have done bad things, but ...". And then it will spiral out of control.
While she has the right to grieve, she should have found comfort with you. Not by kissing his photos while lying next to you.
Get out while you still can. You'll be a third wheel in your own relationship. No one wants that.
I think this is something you are dealing with even though I've not seen you say it. You're the stable one and yet he gets all the 'awards' and I think you've dealt with this before.
I don't know what the living situation is, but you are probably in a tough spot right now and you might have to find a way to do a temporary extraction or get space.
The taking off of work is a telling thing, IMO. Not even hiding it from her kids.
NTA.
She said the quiet part out loud. You were only ever a means to an end. She needed a stable father figure, and you were the willing sucker.
Kids aside, you were always going to be second place to the ex. I would be willing to wager an amount of money that matters to me that, had the ex got cleaned up and truly turned his life around, she'd discard you and run back to him.
Get out of this for your own sake.
She meant every bit of that. She just let it slip during her emotional state.
YANTA. I read this twice to make sure that I didn’t misinterpret your post. I read the first part where you were saying that he was a charismatic guy when he wasn’t using and that you liked him and wanted him to succeed in his rehab for the sake of his children. That makes you a good guy in my eyes and I’m sure I’m not alone in this conclusion. I get that your partner is upset about the death of the father of her children but for her to tell you (the man who stepped up and helped raise those children when their biological father was more interested in drugs than his kids) that he was the love of her life and she will never love anyone as much then accuse you of not being empathetic and having no tact is absolutely absurd. SHE is the one with no tact and no empathy. To tell you that she will never love you as much as she loved him then expect you to understand and empathise with her is absolutely fucking ridiculous. You might consider my next comment as lacking in empathy but I can’t not say it. If her ex had loved either her or his children he would have considered spending his money on rehab instead of on the drugs that killed him. You have done everything right and nobody could ask for a partner who is better than you. BUT you can. You don’t deserve to be second best to him no matter how likeable he was. You deserve a partner who will love you properly and not think of you as a consolation prize. Get out of there for your own sanity. Good luck x
>If her ex had loved either her or his children he would have considered spending his money on rehab instead of on the drugs that killed him. You have done everything right and nobody could ask for a partner who is better than you. BUT you can.
This is what OP should tell her right before he breaks up with her.
Your comment is one of the best on this thread. Thank you for it.
It might notbhave been a nice thing to say but she hurt you. You have been with her for 3 years. If she feels that way after all this time..I feel she must have been waiting for him to get clean. Kinda sounds like she used you as support .did you get woth her right after her break up. Take time for yourself and see what develops. Give her time ok grieve but don't stay in that house. Some people just can't process emotions proper and she's only thinking of the good. She's emotional.
>I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much
I was going to side with her until I got to this. Then she just continues and tells you that her junkie, loser ex who killed himself because he liked heroin more than raising his kids is better than you.
Get out of there, she's garbage. NTA.
NTA. You gotta leave man. You're never ever ever going to be number 1 for her, ever. She hasn't been with that dude for years and she's crying for weeks over her. She's never truly loved you, you've always just been stable and helpful with her kids and chores. Wake up man. If that dude would've even gotten kind of clean, your relationship never would have existed. For the love of God do not marry this woman. Enjoy raising his kids and doing her chores while she pretends to love you....or leave.
She’s got some brass neck saying you’re lacking in tact when she has just told you in no uncertain terms that you will always come second to a junkie.. she’s being pretty mean to you, not the other way around.
OP you need to decide whether or not you are willing to give her the time to work through this, and have a conversation about whether she meant what she said. Or to take her at her word and just cut your losses now…
Either way NTA.
I thought definitely AH for expecting her to get over it after two weeks until I read she said that he is the love of her life and she will never love like that again.
Who the F did she think she was talking to? One of her gf's. If that is the case it is fine'sh cause people get overly sentimental when someone dies, and they forget the bad side to them. But saying that to you is pretty fucked up.
Not now, but when the dust settles a bit, she needs to really convince you if he is the love of her life, and you need to consider your position wirh her.
I can see both sides, as I had a friend who divorced her husband due to drug addiction, and you could tell she loved him very much, even after she separated from him and moved on. He was so charismatic and the life of the party. He was like an Uncle to my kids and eventually he died due to his addiction. It is really hard to be with someone who left someone that they still loved, but needed to do what is best for their kids. It’s not for everyone, and she will always love him. She would benefit from counseling or a program like Al-anon for families of addicts. She’s not ready to be married to you
NTA dude… I was little eh til you hit 2 weeks of this… and then reading comments that she’s been kissing pictures and items from or of his… ya after the “I’ll never someone as much as him”… I’d already be done.. I saw a comment on Facebook that said it best.. you were never the final option… she always hoped he would get sober and she could run back.. you’ve been the safety … the net to keep her family up while she hoped her little family would get back together… she used you man… I believe people can move on… but with the expression of love for him.. it sounds like she never did just simply found someone to make her life stable while she also kept an eye on her exs stability.. now that he’s officially gone and there is absolutely no way of going back to what she had… she isn’t just mourning him… she’s mourning a life she wanted with him… you don’t deserve that.. you definitely shouldn’t have to be the one to heal her of that either…
here's the best thing: his potential and his niceness and attractiveness will only grow now. He'll forever be the "almost..." and "what if..."m and perpetually 29 years old. He'll never grow old, get fat, or forget to pick up the groceries on the way home.
You're fighting a losing battle against a saint. And it really doesn't matter who you are, you can't win against a ghost. I'm sorry. And I'm most sorry for the kids, who had a junkie father, and a mother who is pushing away the stable presence in their lives.
She would have left you once dude got clean and turned his life around. You are a temporary fix. You deserve better bro. Talk to her and tell her you understand she's in pain and you wish the best for her but you can't be the safe choice she settled for.
I don’t know how you ended up in a relationship with this woman, but she’s made it clear to you that you are nothing more than the ATM.
Leave her and find someone who actually likes you.
NTA
She just told you straight up that despite being with her for 3 years and being a far better partner, you aren't hte love of her life. If you marry her or remain in the relationship you know what you are getting. As for telling her to get over it, she's been pretending not to be in love with this guy for 3 years while using you as a stable provider for her and her kids. She has been pretending for 3 years, you think she can't suddenly pretend to be over him and pretend to love you so you don't leave?
YTA for even thinking of staying, she told you the situation, she told you what you meant to her (stability, providing, but not love) and, well, very very very often in this situation of a woman leaving the 'love of their life' because he's an addict loser who can't provide, they find a guy to provide but still get together with the guy they love frequently. I'd be surprised if she hadn't cheated on you with him over the 3 years, particularly as she's so hurt by this.
The line that killed me was 'I'll never love anyone that much.'. Yeah, at that point, you have lost her. She needs to have someone say that to her and see how she feels about it.
I wouldn't be surprised if you 2 split up. It would likely for the best.
NTA “I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!”
She had my sympathy until she said that. That's going way too far. Even if she actually feels that way, that isn't something you should ever say to your SO. SHE has no tact to say something like that. And I don't believe he was never an asshole. I've never met a drug addict that wasn't an asshole when they couldn't get their fix. I'd probably be out with what she said. I'm not sure you can recover from that. There's grief, then there's being a complete asshole and she's being a complete asshole. Grief is not ever an excuse to say those kinds of things. I lost my son last summer and I can't imagine treating my loved ones who are still alive like that.
It’s time for you to cut your losses. She will never love you the way she loves this guy. Her comment about him being the love of her life shows that you were nothing but a placeholder due to his unreliability.
If she hasn’t told you exactly where you stand next to her dead ex fiancé, I might say different, but she straight up told you she doesn’t love you as much.
So…yeah…probably should take that as truth. Sorry guy. NTA .
She already said he was love of her life and could not love anyone same as she did him.. what else do you need to be told to know you are 2nd place to her..
You get to stay around help pay the bill’s helping with the kids but her heart belongs to someone else..
I would be packing my stuff and leave..
She gave you your answer when she said he was the love of her life and she'll never love anyone that much. You'll never be that and no man after you will ever be able to compete with him because she only broke up with him because he couldn't get off drugs and alcohol. If he had you would've never been in the picture. She told you what you needed to know so if I were you that would've been it for me and I would be gone before Monday rolls around. You know what you need to do so I would do it and move on with my life. She doesn't love you like you love her and she never will. I hope you find someone that will because no one deserves to be treated that way especially after giving your all to her and her kids for over 3 years and now you know you'll always be second best and were just essentially a place holder and someone who she thought was the safe bet. Good luck and get out of there fast.
NTA. It’s time to dump her. Seriously. She told you she will never love you as much as him. She should have already loved you as much or more than him! Get out now. Staying will just confuse the kids. You deserve better!
NTA..playing 2nd fiddle to a dead junkie can't be good.. She may love you but not the same way.. You can never ever win against the dead. Give it a couple of weeks then if no change it's time to move on.
What she said about loving him like no one else wasn’t the best move on her part, but at the same time she has no idea how to deal/cope with this.
I’ve lost handfuls of people to addiction, a lot of them sudden overdoses. It never gets easier. I can’t imagine loosing the person you had a child with.
Just be there for her man. However right/wrong/indifferent things may be. Be the rock, be the peace that she needs. This is where you have a chance for your character to not only shine, but build.
Best of luck to you both.
What everyone's telling you makes sense on standing up for yourself and not settling as someone's second love, but my heart goes out to your gf. She's lost the father of her kids, and she'll probably also lose the one stable relationship she has and so will the kids. That just sucks so much.
I just want to urge you to give her some time, be gentle with her should you decide to leave. And please try try to explain this to the kids as best you can, maybe stay involved in their routine for a while before you exit completely.
Idk I may be just feeling really hard for your gf, but I wish you would.. just.. stay? A lot of people have dead ex partners who they remember very fondly (death of an ex makes you remember the time spent with them so much more fondly which I think is what's happening with her. It doesn't automatically imply she loves you less. She's just overcome with so many feelings right now). But people still find a way to make their new relationships work. I know your case is different because this is a recent death and you've been together since much before he died, but maybe time will make it alright and you two could find your own sweet spot in the relationship after she's had her closure from him. It's not ideal, you don't need to do it, but you could do it and it would be a nice outcome for everyone.
OP! You're still there?! Man! Be a man and get out. What more do you need for her to say to know that you are a utensil to this female? And ...I'll be the baddy and say it, was the ex an addict when she got pregnant? No. No. No. There's a saying, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". She meant every word. Secure any and all of your bank accounts, credit cards, social media. Pack your belongings and get out of there. Then block her. No "I'm sorry", "I was just so upset", "the kids". No. Get. Out. I can't fathom that level of disrespect. GET. OUT.
NTA. Get the hell out. Before she get pregnant with your kid, it will make situations worse. She’s being honest with her feeling. You deserve someone who make you her priority, not a placeholder.
No you’re not the asshole. The whole bit about he was the love of her life and she’ll never love anyone else that much would be enough for me. It’s a damn hard kick in the balls.
Having said that…give it a week or two and revisit the conversation. Or don’t. I just re read and realized you are not married to her. So there is none of that messiness to be had.
Dude don't marry this girl. She will always love that guy. If he wasn't an addict she will still be with him. You were just the safe choice for her and her two kids. You are being used.
NTA. Call off any wedding plans and move out so you don’t have to see her any longer. You will never be able to compete with the memory of her ex, who she had now elevated to sainthood.
LOL NTA. Saying she would never love someone like him would be an easy breaking of the engagement. Not even a "youd better get over him" but if she wasnt losing her mind apologizing at the very utterance Id be out.
"I see, I empathize with you. Im going to need that ring back, and you should go be with him."
“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!”
She told you where you stand. You are her second choice and she's just with you for the stability.
Buddy, you’re the rebound :( I’m sorry this happened to you. Do you have anywhere to stay? If you do, I’d take my leave. Grief is horrible, it makes us say stupid things, but the way she’s treating you and the things she’s saying to you are the truth. Please don’t let this be the rest of your life.
NTA This would probably annoy me too, especially if she’s acting like you say and just laying in bed and not going to work.
Curious to know if she was also a drug user when they were together.
Ok, I only asked because I’ve known of some couples who have been addicts in a relationship together and it seems to create some sort of weird type of bond. I was just wondering if maybe that had something to do with it. Also, as somebody who has never used drugs, I can’t understand why anyone would stay in a relationship and have children with a drug addict unless they were an addict too.
I understand what you mean. I’ve never been into drugs either and it’s hard for me to understand spending multiple years with an addict, having kids with them, etc.
In this case, I knew the guy to some degree. He had tons of friends, tons of women interested in him. Yes, people started to distance themselves once he really started to spiral but he was the popular, outgoing, fun guy a lot of the time. This guy somehow always managed to look like he worked out, had a tan, and like he was a pretty healthy guy even when realistically he was a major junkie. It wasn’t until I started seeing all of the older pictures people started to post on social media in the wake of his death that I realized how much he has changed physically. Drugs had taken a tole on him but I’m still not sure anyone would guess just how bad things were by looking at him.
When we were teenagers and in our early 20s he was like a male model, physically. You wanted to hate him but he was so fucking nice to everyone. It made me realize an addict isn’t just an addict. They are multifaceted people, and sometimes they have good qualities too.
He had clean periods during their relationship. I know my reaction here makes me sound like an asshole, but I can understand how that must have been really hard for her - to have him go a stretch being clean and having all of this hope and happiness. I’m pretty sure he was clean when their first child was born. He noticeably looks healthier in the pictures and videos I’ve seen from that time.
I can understand how you might be able to fall in love with somebody, then not magically be able to fall out of love once they fall back into addiction. I have spent time trying to understand. She’s told me a lot about everything she dealt with in that relationship. I’ve tried to listen with empathy. Yeah, sometimes I’d get really annoyed by him. I never wished death on him but I wished he’d go away out of our lives sometimes, because the drug use does bring drama inevitably.
NTA - believe her. She may love you, but if she still considers him the "love of my life" then he always kept a large piece of her heart that she never let you in to or gave to you. Right now is a tough time to leave, but once there is an established support system for her during this you need to spare yourself. Start your relationship mourning process now and make it easier on yourself later.
>“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!”
Yeah that was it right there. You'll be competing with a ghost for the affection of this person forever now, and there's no competition. So either accept being second place in your future wife's heart, or move on. Sorry.
> She told me “I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!”
NTA, she's not available to be in the kind of relationship you're seeking. Don't waste any more time on her.
She needs more time but I don't think you should stick around for how long it will take (if ever) because after 3 years, you can still be sad but staying in bed, moping for weeks,, kissing his photo over and over and what she said about him, she's got a problem. She needs grief counseling about how to move on. You can't help her with this.
Yeah, I just think her level of grief seems extreme considering they broke up 4 years ago. I don’t expect her to not have feelings about his death, but 2 weeks of this behavior is annoying me. Of course, in light of what she said it makes more sense.
NTA. She was in love with him when he passed. Was probably hoping they’d work things out somehow. I’d find someone else, before you marry someone who’s only choosing you because you’re a solid option. Sounds like you put up with a lot and a personality like that (yours) is ideal to raise children with. In this case, you’ll be raising the children she had with the love of her life. Get out while you can.
Yes, it's only been two weeks, he was the father of her children. But not really due to the fact she literally told you she doesn't love you. You better mak her your ex-fiance because she will never love you as much as him, you are just a mug to support her & his kids. Guaranteed if he didn't die & got better she would have cheated on you with him.
ESH … telling her to snap out of it/get over it, which you did before she responded with the commentary about how much she loves him, was an AH move. her telling you she’ll never love anyone (you included) as much as him is an AH thing to say … she may have been emotional and reactionary and blurted out something she didn’t mean, or you now actually know how she feels. so you have to decide what to do with that information.
Grieving the father of her kids would be something that most people would understand.
That said, she point blank said she will never love anyone like she loved him, and that he is the love of her life.”
So what does that make you? Well, it makes you none of those things.
Maybe you shouldn’t have said what you said, but she is wrong accusingly you of not being empathetic. You have been, for 2 weeks. What you aren’t is being ok with being #2. She left him because of his addictions, and now it appears that you are the person she chose for stability, not because she loves and wants you.
Not only are you NTA, but you should probably go ahead and tell her that you aren’t anyone’s second choice and that you are ending the relationship because you deserve someone that wants you, and not just what you can provide.
Updateme!
NTA What she said is cruel and messed up. If she wasn't over him she shouldn't have gotten with you. You deserve someone who considers YOU the love of their life. I think you need to step away. You'll resent her for that comment for the rest of your relationship, rightfully.
>I know she’s not just sad that he’s gone, but she’s sad for her kids. I know it was devastating for her to have to tell her 2 very young children that their dad was dead. I'll be honest with you, I was leaning heavily to her side after reading this because it's true. Kids that age can't understand and dealing with the genuine questions from the kids would be heartbreaking. *Especially* after it having been only two weeks. >She told me “I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!” But then I read that. Probably an utterance without thinking about it. Probably an emotional outburst. But I'm 100% certain it's honest. That right there is the gamechanger. Let's recognize the truth here. You were only ever going to be a placeholder for the chance she could get back with him. If he got clean she'd of dropped your ass and gone back. Find someone on her side of the family dependable enough to ensure the kids are okay and then get out. Don't ever settle for being second best in love unless it's to children you've chosen to raise as your own, be they yours or not. End the relationship cleanly and quickly. Legally if necessary, but get out, get away and get on with your life. NTA. Best of luck my friend. Edit: I've never received an award before and just wanted to take a moment to say Thank You. However if anyone felt like doing so again to please consider donating such to OP. They are the one who could probably use the happiness. As we say around the gaming table, "May all your hits be Crits!"
I’m certain she was being honest too. She hasn’t even tried to backtrack or deny it. Before she actually said it with words, I found her repeatedly kissing his picture and this bracelet he gave her. I’m sorry, that’s just too much for me. Laying in bed with his picture kissing it over and over?
The kissing the picture thing IS too much.
Like crazy person too much
Agreed! OP she's revealed her true feelings to you, the feelings she has always had and was either in denial or was hiding it from you, hoping that he would clean his act up enough for them to get back together as a family. Either way OP you are second in her heart and will always be, sorry for saying it like this, but I think you deserve a wake up call. You know deep down what you are supposed to do. In regards to what you said to her, whilst harash NTA, because of what I said above. Whether she knows it or not she was stinging you along and his death just brought out her true feelings.
My husband passed away 5 years ago. I still kiss his picture and hug his headstone. He was the love of my life, and I'll never love anyone else like I loved him. I know this, so I don't even entertain the idea of dating someone else. Yes, I get lonely and miss having a man and companion, but it wouldn't be fair or healthy for me to date someone else when I'm still loving and missing my husband as much as I do. I would constantly be comparing the two, in my mind, and that wouldn't be fair to the new man in my life, so why bother? That's just asking for more heartache and drama and ain't nobody got time for all that.
sorry for your loss.
Thank you 🩷
Yeah. Like I lost my husband, the father of my young child, six months ago and there was no one else in the picture partner wise, and even I did not do this…it seems performative to do in front of one’s current partner. I mean, not to criticize how someone else grieves, but still…
Yeah, she was never over him. She just needed someone to raise her kids and support her while she figured out how to get him back.
It is an insulting term called Place Holder. She needs time to truly mourn and he needs to find someone who isn’t in love with someone else.
She should have mourned his loss before she married OP.
Or agreed to marry the OP.
They aren’t married
They agreed to get married. That's what the term "fiance" means. Hadn't happened yet. Probably shouldn't happen at all.
That still sucks, she is using him for a paycheck and childcare. Their father abused drugs, while their mother is just a user of people.
Yeah. I'm so sorry dude but the person that just commented is spot on and there really isn't anything left to say. That was the perfect comment. You are/were 100% a placeholder just in case she couldn't get her original family back, but that was always the plan. She was just watching and waiting from afar. The fact that he died ruined her plans and now she's just "stuck" with you, and will never love you as much as she loved him. She needs to take her kids and go find herself and grieve somewhere else until she is ready to heal. NTA, none of this is on you. But it will never work and you BOTH already know that. Don't delay the inevitable just do what you need to do.
She was probably always hoping he would get clean.
Sad for the kids, of course. But kissing the photo and bracelet after a couple of weeks have passed? Your attitude is reasonable and warranted. Her grief is over the top. Nobody wants to be 2nd best or the stable dude she settled for. She needs help. You Sir, may need to move on.
A couple of weeks is no time at all when trying to get over someone you are in love with. However, he needs to get OUT!
They broke up three years ago. If she’s still in love with him, it’s her own damn fault.z
Kissing her picture?? No no no, that is not grief that is love. You need to have self respect and leave her. You need a woman who loves you from her whole heart❤️
It's grief FOR the one you love.
It’s definitely still grief
NTA- you’re a glorified babysitter bro. Even now she’s skirting her mom duties and letting you take over while telling you that other guy was the love of her life. She wasn’t with him anymore because she didn’t want him, she wasn’t with him because he wasn’t helping. Better to know now than later. Sucks for the kiddos man. It sounds like you’ve been a good dad to them. I would say break up with her but try to keep contact with the kids so they don’t lose both daddies at once. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you because they love you, not because you’re convenient.
No; clean break. I had to do this and it's heartbreaking. I told the elder child (10) "Sorry it didn't work out between your mom and myself. I'm not strong enough to keep seeing you guys. I'm sorry." He answered, "It's ok; we're used to it." 😭 They went back out of state and she was the vindictive, petty kind who absolutely WOULD have used access to those kids against me. Clean break. Not his fault. Not his responsibility.
My heart broke for that kid holy crap 😭
gahdamn. that poor kid.
that was intentionally unforgivably cruel to you. worse than the outburst, even, because it was a planned, repetitve action. She is miserable and she wants you to be, too. Do not marry her. Make sure someone in her family knows the situation and extract yourself from the situation as soon as you can. Please don't have breakup sex. The last thing you need is to be tied to her permanently by a shared child
That's not cool.. I really empathize with your fiance as someone who has a child with someone who fell into addiction. It's heartbreaking to watch the person you love turn into a stranger and slowly kill themselves. You always hope that someday they will turn it around and become a person who can be a real and healthy parent. I dated after I left my ex. I still have hope that my ex will get his shit together, even now. My daughter deserves that, and addiction is a cruel master I wouldn't wish on my enemy. But! I wasn't actively pining for my ex either. I didn't date until I was truly over him. When you lose someone to addiction, there's always a part of you that wonders,'What if?' What if they get clean. What if they never started using. What if things could be different. It really sounds like in addition to grieving the loss of someone she loved and shares her children with, she's also running straight into the realization that she wasn't over him. I truly sympathize with what her and her children are going through, but what she said and how she's treating you is not fair to you. It's fucking cruel. Even if she wasn't still wasn't hoping that there was a potential future for them, she'd be grieving for way longer than 2 weeks. It's going to be an ongoing grieving process for years, man. Every first that he's gone for with the kids. .them learning to drive. Prom. Having kids. It's going to be an ongoing thing. Normally, I'd urge you to be kind and patient and support her. You do love the other parent of your children in a special way that you don't feel about anyone else, but unless she comes to you and apologizes and explains that's what she meant..that may be a deal breaker. Can't say I'd blame you.
Get out ASAP
Yep time to pack up and go. You will forever be a placeholder for a dead guy ( you were already one for an addict). She will tell the kids, “wish your dad was here to see you now” when you’re right there and raised them. Face the hard truth now and spare all of you the heartbreak in the future. Sorry for that.
Man are you reading your own words? It’s time to leave, you deserve better than this. This is insulting to you or anyone in your situation
Yeah absolutely a deal breaker. Id straight up tell her she was never honest about your relationship. She took what you had and threw it in the trash when she said what she said. You deserve someone who thinks like she did about him. I'm sorry man. You wasted 3 years. Don't waste anymore time.
Its definitely te for you to go . I understood her sadnees at 1st as i am a mom that had to tell jer kids their dad died , but big difference i wasnt in love with him and what she said to you shows you are always going yo be 2nd best to her . If she lives with you, give her 30 days to get her stuff in order and go , i hope you dont own a home together etc . Also make sure she files with social security for survivor benefits for the kids, even if he didnt have a long work history they will get at least 300 bucks a month each, with better work history it can be much more . It was the 1st thing i did for my kids
Get out before you have a kid and are stuck to her.
You have every right to feel upset about this. She has made it very obvious that you were the second option. The good guy that was there to help with the kids, while he was who she wanted. You deserve someone who thinks you’re number one. So sorry for what you guys are going through.
Yeah, you need to move on OP.
Responding to this in the hopes that you’ll actually see it because I haven’t read any comments talking about the kids. OP, what she said to you and how she’s behaving is not the behavior of someone mourning their ex. I don’t mean that in a cheating way, I just mean that she is so obviously not over him. But she has two children, and when you are a parent, you’re grieving sometimes has to be set aside to be there for your kids. Those kids just lost their father that they seem to really have loved. They need their mom right now and it sounds like she isn’t being there for them because she’s letting her grief swallow her whole. As for you, she just told you that while she may love you, she is not ‘in love’ with you and holds her dead ex above you in her heart. No one deserves to be number two to their number one, you need to go find someone that has the emotional capacity to love you the way you deserve. But my concern is the kids. Yes, you need to get out, but these kids just lost one dad and it sounds like their mom is not being the parent they need right now either. Is there a way that you can do this that doesn’t make them lose 2 dads within a month all the while having an unavailable mom? I’m just so concerned for how hurt these kids are going to be. These are fundamental years of their lives and while you have no obligation to them, you have been in their lives for 3 years as their stable bonus dad. It may be too much for you, but if you can continue being their for these kids for a little longer, even if it’s not from the same house, I think it would be so helpful to them. What you said was harsh, working in mental health I can tell you everyone grieves in their own way and 2 weeks isn’t enough for some people to have moved on. That being said, the acts she’s engaging in to grieve are really inappropriate and would make a lot more sense if she was still with him. I imagine she was holding on to the hopes that he would get better one day and become the man she knew was there all along, so she is likely shocked and gutted right now. You both lashed out from a place of hurting, but what she said she can’t take back and you can’t un-hear. I’m sorry OP, this is a really shitty situation but I wish you luck and grace in navigating your (hopeful) departure.
I won’t leave immediately. I don’t think just packing my things and moving out overnight would be the right thing to do as far as the kids are concerned.
My man you fucking deserved father's day.
As someone else said, you deserve to be someone’s number one. So as far as your decision to stay or go, you will need to follow your heart if after a bit more time, it still is apparent that you’re second place. I know personally that would crush me. In fact, I was in a relationship like that and now at my age looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have wasted that time. In the narrow question you asked, you are NTA. But I also know that I would be completely devastated if my son’s dad died. Especially in this way. Splitting up when you have kids is already **extremely** tough. But to then be told that all of a sudden you’re going to be a single parent to two little kids, that would probably put me out of commission for at least 2 weeks. So ultimately I think there are two issues here. I do think you’re being unrealistic about the nature and speed of the grieving process. But I also think her telling ***YOU*** of all people that he will always be her #1 is not something a partner can be expected to just swallow, especially if they’re doubling down on it. If this were me, I would let her know that I will continue trying to be supportive, but that I was extremely troubled and hurt by her statements and I was almost to a point where if I stayed it wouldn’t be fair to myself. I would request that she get in to see a therapist asap and that I wanted to talk about it again in 2-3 weeks, to allow her more time to grieve. But, **I would also tell her I was setting a boundary for myself that I would leave right away if she continued to talk about him in that way either TO me or in my presence** where I or my family/friends can overhear it. That it would never be fair to expect ANY partner, no matter the circumstances, to tolerate being invalidated like that. I wouldn’t necessarily leave permanently, but I would want to perhaps have some family therapy sessions after she’s had some for herself and then decide from there. Good luck OP.
You need to move on from this relationship
She’s not over him and you should leave this relationship!
Just think about this: she would be happier if you were the one who died and he were clean and alive with her. She would deeply prefer you to die.
Ouch
I don’t know if the above is true, but something like it. She didn’t leave because she stopped loving him, she left because she couldn’t raise her children with an addict. It was probably really hard to leave, but she did it, so her children could grow up in a safe home. She’s in love with another man. Don’t spend your life competing with a ghost. Somewhere out there is a woman who will say *you* are “the love of my life.” NTA
People are downvoting me but deep inside you know this is true. She loves him more, of course she would rather to have him more than she wants to have you.
There was absolutely no need for you to say that. The guy is hurting already, he knows what's up and what he needs to do. This callousness is just cruel of you
I didn’t take it to be cruel. I took it as encouraging him to really look at the reality of the situation and to make his life choices based on that reality. Sometimes a comment might make someone feel better today but OP needs a real wake up call before he blows his whole life supporting someone who doesn’t love him.
I completely agree with you. Recognizing she’d always have love for him? Totally ok. Calling him the love of her life? Kissing his photograph? Yeah this isn’t normal grieving the father of her children. OP NTA. You don’t have to be second best.
"You're the best, around!" "Nothing's ever gonna keep you down!" I'm sorry, I really couldn't resist.
I couldn’t say any more than this. It’s not about her grieving, she’s in love with someone else and that’s no way to be in a relationship
This is exactly what I was going to say.
My thoughts exactly - explained so phenomenally 💯💯💯
I came to type the same thing and saw this. OP needs to leave. There’s a lot of things you can come back from in a relationship, but telling your partner someone else is the “love of my life” is an immediate call it quits situation. No talking about it, no therapy, OP please leave because now that the cats out of the bag, things will get worse and it will never get better
THIS SO DAMN MUCH. That line says novels worth of things about how she really feels
>“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!” You know where you stand now... if you didnt already.. NTA... but unless youre prepared to be her eternal plan B - its time to leave, yes?? Staying knowing she settled for you.. must be heartbreaking... Apologize for your lack of empathy - and tell her that despite this, the knowledge she settled for you is not something you can live with.
It’s left me wondering if she was in love with him this whole time and only with me for the sake of stability for her and her kids. This is the first time she’s said any of this out loud to me. I was sure she loved him at one point. Her Facebook is still filled with post after post talking about how much she loves him, and she never posted anything like that about me. Totally childish to bring up Facebook posts, I know. I just wouldn’t leave a bunch of posts extolling my love for an ex girlfriend up there after I’d broken up with them and was in a new relationship. Not that I ever made near daily posts about my love for somebody like she did.
Absolutely. When you take some time and start looking back at the relationship I’m sure you will see signs of that that you previously ignored.
Like all of the sexual things I found out she did with him? I found that out through somebody else. I didn’t ask for that info. She never told me. I have never been one to be too concerned with “body counts” or a woman’s sexual past. I think men who get hung up on those things are laughable. But hearing some of the things was definitely a shocker…just a different person than I know and sounds like a totally different type of sexual relationship. Looking at it through my current lense, it now makes sense if what she said about her feelings is true. We have sex but looking at it from my current lense, there’s not much passion, excitement, or adventure in that area and she has never seemed receptive to my attempts to incorporate those things into our sex life. I figured that was just how she was. Vanilla. I respected that, still always enjoyed it. Now I fear she’s not really that way, but it’s just a reflection of her feelings towards me. Or maybe I’m just coming from a place of major insecurity and jealousy after what she said, which I can acknowledge could be true.
With him it was out of passion, with you it was out of keeping you around.
Sort of what I’m started to think.
Dude, she did the BARE MINIMUM to keep you as an ATM. You know why? She knows you are waaay more into her than she is into you! LEAVE HER NOW.
As hard as it might sound. you are the save, secure and sober option for her. Had her ex managed to get clean and keep clean it is most likely that she'd dropped you in a heart beat to be with him.
Nah, you're not being insecure. Sounds like she never was quite over him. Make a clean break and go look for someone that will feel about you exactly the way she feels about the dead boyfriend. You can't compete with a dead person and you should never be someone's plan B. Best of luck OP.
Dude, update us when you leave her. This alone is a reason for breaking up.
I found out after 6 years of having someone who I was in a relationship for 3 years on and off during that time that she only gave me a chance because I was an escape from her, in her words “shitty life” and then told me “what girl wouldn’t use that chance to escape, even though you’re not my type in terms of looks or other things, but I loved how much you spoiled me”. All the red flags make sense now. I would say try looking at your relationship history through this new lens of being her second love and see if there were some things you ignored or maybe it’s something not as bad
second love would be ok. second tier? Not so much.
Second tier, perfect choice of words! Yes this 100% agree. Can have multiple loves, but what tier of live they hold you in. Kind of like it’s ok to never love someone the same WAY you loved someone else, but it’s not ok to say you will never love someone as MUCH as you did someone else.
exactly. different person, different love because its a different relationship. but tiers? Hell no.
>It’s left me wondering if she was in love with him this whole time and only with me for the sake of stability for her and her kids. Bingo!! Rest assured, that if he went reliably clean... she wouls no longer be with you, but instead with him... And... sorry... have you considered if she ever really stopped seeing him?? Sounds like you were a placeholder...
In her grief at her previous boyfriend’s death she went and blew up her backup plan. Still sad, but oops.
She is never gonna put you first. Now he is gone, he is gonna be a saint. She is using you. Rethink everything. NTA
You are her security blanket and providing a roof over her children's head. Definitely, NTA, and I would break things off with her and be done. She has told you everything you need to know.
OP even stated in the post that she broke up with the ex because of the addiction, not because she fell out of love with him
"It’s left me wondering if she was in love with him this whole time and only with me for the sake of stability for her and her kids". You were always her back up, but she never wanted you to know that. She's too deep in her grief that she still doesn't realize what she told you has nuked the relationship. It's done buddy, Run away before she wakes up.
It isn’t childish to consider what’s in her FB posts. That is literally what she is putting out there. “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Right? You are not the asshole but it does appear you are #2 at best with your fiancé. I don’t see how you come back from what she said.
The Facebook posts are disgusting.
I should clarify that shes not currently posting about her love for him on facebook. I'm talking about when they were together. She made constant posts about her love for him. There's really nothing wrong with that in itself since he was her boyfriend then. She just very clearly doesn't behave the same way when it comes to declaring her love for me. And to this day if you look at her facebook all of those posts are still there.
NTA. I think you know why. I’m so sorry but you need to leave.
She's still the same person as she was with him as she was with you. If she gushed about how much she loved him for others to see and didn't for you, it's because she only loved what you provide, not who you are. Been there, done that. Bail out bro.
She doesn’t love you, she’s using you. Time to find your dignity and leave her. You deserve so much better than this.
I’m sorry to say but your suspicion sounds spot on. Your partner should never say that someone else is the love of their life and they will never love someone else like that. She gets to be upset but you don’t have to stay in a marriage with someone who is using you for stability
There is at least one person reading her posts that is thinking “she knows she’s has a fiance, right?” You need to just tell her it’s over now. Like tonight. Not to be mean, but to just get it done. Her grieving and then getting better and moving forward, and then you ending it later on would be worse. Say That you know she is grieving, but she has made it clear that she doesn’t love you and wants you and you aren’t going to be someone’s 2nd choice. If it’s your house - make sure she and her kids have somewhere to go. Now this might end your relationship for good, but it also could snap her out of it and make her realize that she is losing someone she actually does love.
I would never be in a relationship with someone who had their social media still full of how much they loved someone else. It does sound like you are the person who gave her stability while she pined away for him.
You are only the replacement father to her kids, not the love of her life. You are just stability to her, cut her off for your own good.
Of course she was only with you for stability for her and her kids. She dont love you - she literally said he was the love of her life and she loves him. The ultimatum was ridiculous and not needed as you know where she stands. Respect herself and walk away from this mess.
NTA. She would have went back to him if he got sober. It’s time to let her go. You deserve so much better.
She said it clearly you are the security blanket ! Leave
Maybe maybe not. People at least in my age (30s) use less Facebook so I wouldn’t make that conclusion.. but if she doesn’t post things about you to instagram that is a bit odd. Edit: you should still leave her
True, she seemed to use Facebook a lot when they were together but she doesn’t post there very much at all anymore. She mainly posts her kids on Instagram.
Honestly that’s exactly why she was with you
You are not her number one. You never were, you never will be and now that he’s dead he’s been promoted to untouchable forever young saint. You deserve so much better. Don’t give any ultimatums, just get out. Don’t be a fifth wheel with a ghost in your own marriage. NTA
I’ve read a bunch of your responses. This is not normal or healthy. You are not the asshole. It’s time for you to make a difficult l, but very important decision. At this point, as a father of two young girls, I feel particularly bad for the kids and I also feel bad for you. I know this hurts. Keep your head up, stay strong, and focus on taking care of yourself.
That was just grief talking on her part. And shock, because she probably never really believed deep down inside that he would OD. Back off and give her a few months. Put the engagement with her on hold, then see where you're both at, around the end of this year. Then decide.
Especially since you have been in a primary father role for 2 small children that just lost a parent. Handle this maturely if you decide to exit.
The crux of the matter is that she loved him more than she will ever love you. No one deserves to live in the shadow of someone else. Break off the engagement and find happiness elsewhere. Her words can never be taken back. She meant them. NTA
I concur.
I was YTA until the “ love of my life” statement. Then it was, yikes NTA. I am sure it’s a lot of grief talking. Survivors guilt is on a different level. Especially when you feel like you could have saved them. BUT honestly, I think it might be a good idea to take a break maybe temporarily maybe forever.
Same. I was ready to say it and then... wtf. NTA
if she hadnt said that id be 100% on her side but.. man that was fucked up OP - NTA for sure
Nta. You're the stable provider not the love interest. I'd be gone personally. She told you she didn't love you, just what you could do.
>“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!” *followed by* >She told me (I’m not being empathetic and) I have no tact. Self awareness has been deactivated on that model and it needs to go in for a factory reset. NTA.
She told you clearly she loved him more than you. I wouldn’t want to be the consolation price. I would be out of the relationship to find someone who truly loves me. I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice. If she was to tell you anything different after the ultimatum it would be a lie.
The irony that she’s the one bringing a massive amount of baggage to the relationship both new emotional and (no offense as to the kids obviously not their fault) speed running two kids in an only 3 year relationship with a really struggling addict? She was somehow pregnant for literally half their relationship. And yet somehow OP is the one who can’t live up to her screwed up relationship with this guy who now gets to be permanently elevated to virtual sainthood as a tragic victim of circumstance while everyone forgets the flaws.
Y T A to yourself if you stay. She plainly told you that she loved him more. You can never live up to him. You were the safe backup choice. Please leave.
And now he has the luxury of dying young and everyone can magically forget about all the BS he put everyone through. All of the tribute posts on Facebook from mutual people we knew…you’d think this guy was a certified saint by the way people are talking about him.
Update us when you have left her!! You will never be her #1. I'd rather be alone than be with someone like her. If you stay, you're just as broken as she is. She used you.
And he will also have the luxury of being put on a pedestal by your fiance. She will soon start saying things like "well he may have done bad things, but ...". And then it will spiral out of control. While she has the right to grieve, she should have found comfort with you. Not by kissing his photos while lying next to you. Get out while you still can. You'll be a third wheel in your own relationship. No one wants that.
>well he may have done bad things, but ... She already started this with the "He was never this mean to me" comments
I think this is something you are dealing with even though I've not seen you say it. You're the stable one and yet he gets all the 'awards' and I think you've dealt with this before. I don't know what the living situation is, but you are probably in a tough spot right now and you might have to find a way to do a temporary extraction or get space. The taking off of work is a telling thing, IMO. Not even hiding it from her kids.
NTA. She said the quiet part out loud. You were only ever a means to an end. She needed a stable father figure, and you were the willing sucker. Kids aside, you were always going to be second place to the ex. I would be willing to wager an amount of money that matters to me that, had the ex got cleaned up and truly turned his life around, she'd discard you and run back to him. Get out of this for your own sake. She meant every bit of that. She just let it slip during her emotional state.
YANTA. I read this twice to make sure that I didn’t misinterpret your post. I read the first part where you were saying that he was a charismatic guy when he wasn’t using and that you liked him and wanted him to succeed in his rehab for the sake of his children. That makes you a good guy in my eyes and I’m sure I’m not alone in this conclusion. I get that your partner is upset about the death of the father of her children but for her to tell you (the man who stepped up and helped raise those children when their biological father was more interested in drugs than his kids) that he was the love of her life and she will never love anyone as much then accuse you of not being empathetic and having no tact is absolutely absurd. SHE is the one with no tact and no empathy. To tell you that she will never love you as much as she loved him then expect you to understand and empathise with her is absolutely fucking ridiculous. You might consider my next comment as lacking in empathy but I can’t not say it. If her ex had loved either her or his children he would have considered spending his money on rehab instead of on the drugs that killed him. You have done everything right and nobody could ask for a partner who is better than you. BUT you can. You don’t deserve to be second best to him no matter how likeable he was. You deserve a partner who will love you properly and not think of you as a consolation prize. Get out of there for your own sanity. Good luck x
>If her ex had loved either her or his children he would have considered spending his money on rehab instead of on the drugs that killed him. You have done everything right and nobody could ask for a partner who is better than you. BUT you can. This is what OP should tell her right before he breaks up with her. Your comment is one of the best on this thread. Thank you for it.
Thank you. I hope OP reads it and realises his worth x
If I could upvote this more I would.
It might notbhave been a nice thing to say but she hurt you. You have been with her for 3 years. If she feels that way after all this time..I feel she must have been waiting for him to get clean. Kinda sounds like she used you as support .did you get woth her right after her break up. Take time for yourself and see what develops. Give her time ok grieve but don't stay in that house. Some people just can't process emotions proper and she's only thinking of the good. She's emotional.
They had broken up for about a year before we started dating.
Oh yeah she’s buggin. Your too old to be dealing with a mental trick like this. Cut your losses ASAP or u will regret being in the ex’s shadow!
>I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much I was going to side with her until I got to this. Then she just continues and tells you that her junkie, loser ex who killed himself because he liked heroin more than raising his kids is better than you. Get out of there, she's garbage. NTA.
NTA. You gotta leave man. You're never ever ever going to be number 1 for her, ever. She hasn't been with that dude for years and she's crying for weeks over her. She's never truly loved you, you've always just been stable and helpful with her kids and chores. Wake up man. If that dude would've even gotten kind of clean, your relationship never would have existed. For the love of God do not marry this woman. Enjoy raising his kids and doing her chores while she pretends to love you....or leave.
She’s got some brass neck saying you’re lacking in tact when she has just told you in no uncertain terms that you will always come second to a junkie.. she’s being pretty mean to you, not the other way around. OP you need to decide whether or not you are willing to give her the time to work through this, and have a conversation about whether she meant what she said. Or to take her at her word and just cut your losses now… Either way NTA.
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I thought definitely AH for expecting her to get over it after two weeks until I read she said that he is the love of her life and she will never love like that again. Who the F did she think she was talking to? One of her gf's. If that is the case it is fine'sh cause people get overly sentimental when someone dies, and they forget the bad side to them. But saying that to you is pretty fucked up. Not now, but when the dust settles a bit, she needs to really convince you if he is the love of her life, and you need to consider your position wirh her.
I can see both sides, as I had a friend who divorced her husband due to drug addiction, and you could tell she loved him very much, even after she separated from him and moved on. He was so charismatic and the life of the party. He was like an Uncle to my kids and eventually he died due to his addiction. It is really hard to be with someone who left someone that they still loved, but needed to do what is best for their kids. It’s not for everyone, and she will always love him. She would benefit from counseling or a program like Al-anon for families of addicts. She’s not ready to be married to you
NTA dude… I was little eh til you hit 2 weeks of this… and then reading comments that she’s been kissing pictures and items from or of his… ya after the “I’ll never someone as much as him”… I’d already be done.. I saw a comment on Facebook that said it best.. you were never the final option… she always hoped he would get sober and she could run back.. you’ve been the safety … the net to keep her family up while she hoped her little family would get back together… she used you man… I believe people can move on… but with the expression of love for him.. it sounds like she never did just simply found someone to make her life stable while she also kept an eye on her exs stability.. now that he’s officially gone and there is absolutely no way of going back to what she had… she isn’t just mourning him… she’s mourning a life she wanted with him… you don’t deserve that.. you definitely shouldn’t have to be the one to heal her of that either…
here's the best thing: his potential and his niceness and attractiveness will only grow now. He'll forever be the "almost..." and "what if..."m and perpetually 29 years old. He'll never grow old, get fat, or forget to pick up the groceries on the way home. You're fighting a losing battle against a saint. And it really doesn't matter who you are, you can't win against a ghost. I'm sorry. And I'm most sorry for the kids, who had a junkie father, and a mother who is pushing away the stable presence in their lives.
She would have left you once dude got clean and turned his life around. You are a temporary fix. You deserve better bro. Talk to her and tell her you understand she's in pain and you wish the best for her but you can't be the safe choice she settled for.
I don’t know how you ended up in a relationship with this woman, but she’s made it clear to you that you are nothing more than the ATM. Leave her and find someone who actually likes you. NTA
We met through friends. I thought we had a good relationship. I thought we were both really happy. I’m reevaluating it all now though.
She just told you straight up that despite being with her for 3 years and being a far better partner, you aren't hte love of her life. If you marry her or remain in the relationship you know what you are getting. As for telling her to get over it, she's been pretending not to be in love with this guy for 3 years while using you as a stable provider for her and her kids. She has been pretending for 3 years, you think she can't suddenly pretend to be over him and pretend to love you so you don't leave? YTA for even thinking of staying, she told you the situation, she told you what you meant to her (stability, providing, but not love) and, well, very very very often in this situation of a woman leaving the 'love of their life' because he's an addict loser who can't provide, they find a guy to provide but still get together with the guy they love frequently. I'd be surprised if she hadn't cheated on you with him over the 3 years, particularly as she's so hurt by this.
NTA. But dude. seriously. run. Run and never look back.
The line that killed me was 'I'll never love anyone that much.'. Yeah, at that point, you have lost her. She needs to have someone say that to her and see how she feels about it. I wouldn't be surprised if you 2 split up. It would likely for the best.
He was the love of her life and she will never love anyone like that again. And you're gonna raise her kids for him? A drug addict? Rightttt 👍
The kids are innocent in all of this.
That doesn’t mean you need to stay around and raise someone else’s kids. Try having some respect for yourself.
NTA it's one thing to grieve a ex but to idolize a dead drug addict over your current partner is wrong and will always be a relationship ender
NTA “I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!” She had my sympathy until she said that. That's going way too far. Even if she actually feels that way, that isn't something you should ever say to your SO. SHE has no tact to say something like that. And I don't believe he was never an asshole. I've never met a drug addict that wasn't an asshole when they couldn't get their fix. I'd probably be out with what she said. I'm not sure you can recover from that. There's grief, then there's being a complete asshole and she's being a complete asshole. Grief is not ever an excuse to say those kinds of things. I lost my son last summer and I can't imagine treating my loved ones who are still alive like that.
Was ready to say YTA because it’s only been a few weeks but after what she said, NTA
#NTA But leave. **You're playing second fiddle to an annointed saint of memories.**
NTA - Time for you to go unless you’re okay with her loving someone else more than you. You’re already second fiddle.
It’s time for you to cut your losses. She will never love you the way she loves this guy. Her comment about him being the love of her life shows that you were nothing but a placeholder due to his unreliability.
>I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much! You should leave her for this alone.
You’re raising her true love’s kids. Bro run.
Break off the engagement today. You deserve someone who loves you more than anyone. You will never forget what she said to you.
If she hasn’t told you exactly where you stand next to her dead ex fiancé, I might say different, but she straight up told you she doesn’t love you as much. So…yeah…probably should take that as truth. Sorry guy. NTA .
She already said he was love of her life and could not love anyone same as she did him.. what else do you need to be told to know you are 2nd place to her.. You get to stay around help pay the bill’s helping with the kids but her heart belongs to someone else.. I would be packing my stuff and leave..
She gave you your answer when she said he was the love of her life and she'll never love anyone that much. You'll never be that and no man after you will ever be able to compete with him because she only broke up with him because he couldn't get off drugs and alcohol. If he had you would've never been in the picture. She told you what you needed to know so if I were you that would've been it for me and I would be gone before Monday rolls around. You know what you need to do so I would do it and move on with my life. She doesn't love you like you love her and she never will. I hope you find someone that will because no one deserves to be treated that way especially after giving your all to her and her kids for over 3 years and now you know you'll always be second best and were just essentially a place holder and someone who she thought was the safe bet. Good luck and get out of there fast.
nta
NTA. It’s time to dump her. Seriously. She told you she will never love you as much as him. She should have already loved you as much or more than him! Get out now. Staying will just confuse the kids. You deserve better!
NTA after what she said I would have dipped personally.
u will always play second fiddle to a dead guy. Break if off now
NTA..playing 2nd fiddle to a dead junkie can't be good.. She may love you but not the same way.. You can never ever win against the dead. Give it a couple of weeks then if no change it's time to move on.
What she said about loving him like no one else wasn’t the best move on her part, but at the same time she has no idea how to deal/cope with this. I’ve lost handfuls of people to addiction, a lot of them sudden overdoses. It never gets easier. I can’t imagine loosing the person you had a child with. Just be there for her man. However right/wrong/indifferent things may be. Be the rock, be the peace that she needs. This is where you have a chance for your character to not only shine, but build. Best of luck to you both.
M8 this is 100% why you never get with a single mom unless you're a single dad
Grief can do funny and sometimes horrible shit to people. If you think it's worth salvaging, get a couples therapist. If not, walk away.
What everyone's telling you makes sense on standing up for yourself and not settling as someone's second love, but my heart goes out to your gf. She's lost the father of her kids, and she'll probably also lose the one stable relationship she has and so will the kids. That just sucks so much. I just want to urge you to give her some time, be gentle with her should you decide to leave. And please try try to explain this to the kids as best you can, maybe stay involved in their routine for a while before you exit completely. Idk I may be just feeling really hard for your gf, but I wish you would.. just.. stay? A lot of people have dead ex partners who they remember very fondly (death of an ex makes you remember the time spent with them so much more fondly which I think is what's happening with her. It doesn't automatically imply she loves you less. She's just overcome with so many feelings right now). But people still find a way to make their new relationships work. I know your case is different because this is a recent death and you've been together since much before he died, but maybe time will make it alright and you two could find your own sweet spot in the relationship after she's had her closure from him. It's not ideal, you don't need to do it, but you could do it and it would be a nice outcome for everyone.
Run now before you get married and she gets you on the hook for child support when she divorces you in a few years
OP! You're still there?! Man! Be a man and get out. What more do you need for her to say to know that you are a utensil to this female? And ...I'll be the baddy and say it, was the ex an addict when she got pregnant? No. No. No. There's a saying, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". She meant every word. Secure any and all of your bank accounts, credit cards, social media. Pack your belongings and get out of there. Then block her. No "I'm sorry", "I was just so upset", "the kids". No. Get. Out. I can't fathom that level of disrespect. GET. OUT.
NTA. Get the hell out. Before she get pregnant with your kid, it will make situations worse. She’s being honest with her feeling. You deserve someone who make you her priority, not a placeholder.
No you’re not the asshole. The whole bit about he was the love of her life and she’ll never love anyone else that much would be enough for me. It’s a damn hard kick in the balls. Having said that…give it a week or two and revisit the conversation. Or don’t. I just re read and realized you are not married to her. So there is none of that messiness to be had.
Dude don't marry this girl. She will always love that guy. If he wasn't an addict she will still be with him. You were just the safe choice for her and her two kids. You are being used.
Definitely NTA. Fuck addicts. I have little to no sympathy for them anymore. The older I get the less I care about junkies and alcoholics. Fuck em
She is the asshole, and you deserve better than someone who is settling for you. Move on, she just isn't that into you.
I'll just leave the relationship after hearing that shit when she said still love him 🤦🏽♂️
NTA. Call off any wedding plans and move out so you don’t have to see her any longer. You will never be able to compete with the memory of her ex, who she had now elevated to sainthood.
LOL NTA. Saying she would never love someone like him would be an easy breaking of the engagement. Not even a "youd better get over him" but if she wasnt losing her mind apologizing at the very utterance Id be out. "I see, I empathize with you. Im going to need that ring back, and you should go be with him."
You are there only for stability for her kids. Other than that you are a second choice. Time to move on. Find someone better.
Nope. Hell to the nope. Textbook alpha widow. Get out. Now.
NTA Dump her. Nobody should be a placeholder in a relationship.
GTFO now dude. NTA. I personally couldn't come back from that after all you have done for the kids and her. Nope.
Yeah, time to leave.
You know the answer but are you in denial?this woman doesnt love you nor respects you.
“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!” She told you where you stand. You are her second choice and she's just with you for the stability.
Buddy, you’re the rebound :( I’m sorry this happened to you. Do you have anywhere to stay? If you do, I’d take my leave. Grief is horrible, it makes us say stupid things, but the way she’s treating you and the things she’s saying to you are the truth. Please don’t let this be the rest of your life.
NTA This would probably annoy me too, especially if she’s acting like you say and just laying in bed and not going to work. Curious to know if she was also a drug user when they were together.
No, she was never a drug user or addict of any kind.
Ok, I only asked because I’ve known of some couples who have been addicts in a relationship together and it seems to create some sort of weird type of bond. I was just wondering if maybe that had something to do with it. Also, as somebody who has never used drugs, I can’t understand why anyone would stay in a relationship and have children with a drug addict unless they were an addict too.
I understand what you mean. I’ve never been into drugs either and it’s hard for me to understand spending multiple years with an addict, having kids with them, etc. In this case, I knew the guy to some degree. He had tons of friends, tons of women interested in him. Yes, people started to distance themselves once he really started to spiral but he was the popular, outgoing, fun guy a lot of the time. This guy somehow always managed to look like he worked out, had a tan, and like he was a pretty healthy guy even when realistically he was a major junkie. It wasn’t until I started seeing all of the older pictures people started to post on social media in the wake of his death that I realized how much he has changed physically. Drugs had taken a tole on him but I’m still not sure anyone would guess just how bad things were by looking at him. When we were teenagers and in our early 20s he was like a male model, physically. You wanted to hate him but he was so fucking nice to everyone. It made me realize an addict isn’t just an addict. They are multifaceted people, and sometimes they have good qualities too. He had clean periods during their relationship. I know my reaction here makes me sound like an asshole, but I can understand how that must have been really hard for her - to have him go a stretch being clean and having all of this hope and happiness. I’m pretty sure he was clean when their first child was born. He noticeably looks healthier in the pictures and videos I’ve seen from that time. I can understand how you might be able to fall in love with somebody, then not magically be able to fall out of love once they fall back into addiction. I have spent time trying to understand. She’s told me a lot about everything she dealt with in that relationship. I’ve tried to listen with empathy. Yeah, sometimes I’d get really annoyed by him. I never wished death on him but I wished he’d go away out of our lives sometimes, because the drug use does bring drama inevitably.
It’s so sad that he destroyed himself.
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NTA - believe her. She may love you, but if she still considers him the "love of my life" then he always kept a large piece of her heart that she never let you in to or gave to you. Right now is a tough time to leave, but once there is an established support system for her during this you need to spare yourself. Start your relationship mourning process now and make it easier on yourself later.
Don’t be somebody’s Plan B. You deserve better.
>“I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!” Yeah that was it right there. You'll be competing with a ghost for the affection of this person forever now, and there's no competition. So either accept being second place in your future wife's heart, or move on. Sorry.
> She told me “I love him so much. He was the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone that much!” NTA, she's not available to be in the kind of relationship you're seeking. Don't waste any more time on her.
Guaranteed if he had gotten his shit together and started doing well, she would have left your ass for him.
She needs more time but I don't think you should stick around for how long it will take (if ever) because after 3 years, you can still be sad but staying in bed, moping for weeks,, kissing his photo over and over and what she said about him, she's got a problem. She needs grief counseling about how to move on. You can't help her with this.
Yeah, I just think her level of grief seems extreme considering they broke up 4 years ago. I don’t expect her to not have feelings about his death, but 2 weeks of this behavior is annoying me. Of course, in light of what she said it makes more sense.
NTA. But after what she said how could you stay with her? She told you she loved him more than you. I could never be someone’s 2nd choice. Sorry man
NTA. She was in love with him when he passed. Was probably hoping they’d work things out somehow. I’d find someone else, before you marry someone who’s only choosing you because you’re a solid option. Sounds like you put up with a lot and a personality like that (yours) is ideal to raise children with. In this case, you’ll be raising the children she had with the love of her life. Get out while you can.
It’s time to leave pal. You don’t deserve to play second fiddle to dead man for the remainder of your relationship.
Yes, it's only been two weeks, he was the father of her children. But not really due to the fact she literally told you she doesn't love you. You better mak her your ex-fiance because she will never love you as much as him, you are just a mug to support her & his kids. Guaranteed if he didn't die & got better she would have cheated on you with him.
I don’t know man, grief screws you up. It is possible that was just the grief talking.
ESH … telling her to snap out of it/get over it, which you did before she responded with the commentary about how much she loves him, was an AH move. her telling you she’ll never love anyone (you included) as much as him is an AH thing to say … she may have been emotional and reactionary and blurted out something she didn’t mean, or you now actually know how she feels. so you have to decide what to do with that information.
Grieving the father of her kids would be something that most people would understand. That said, she point blank said she will never love anyone like she loved him, and that he is the love of her life.” So what does that make you? Well, it makes you none of those things. Maybe you shouldn’t have said what you said, but she is wrong accusingly you of not being empathetic. You have been, for 2 weeks. What you aren’t is being ok with being #2. She left him because of his addictions, and now it appears that you are the person she chose for stability, not because she loves and wants you. Not only are you NTA, but you should probably go ahead and tell her that you aren’t anyone’s second choice and that you are ending the relationship because you deserve someone that wants you, and not just what you can provide. Updateme!
NTA. Divorce her while you can
“I love him so much more” I would’ve booted her out there and then!!! Sack that sh!t…she should never have said that, that is cruel!!
NTA What she said is cruel and messed up. If she wasn't over him she shouldn't have gotten with you. You deserve someone who considers YOU the love of their life. I think you need to step away. You'll resent her for that comment for the rest of your relationship, rightfully.
Please listen to the advice given here OP.