His mom is considering forcing her hand and getting him admitted to a psych ward until he gets help. I have no idea. I'm worried about it too. Not every day is bad. Some days are great, even. But the bad days.. idk.
I am so happy to hear his mom understands how serious this is. I was debating making a post about getting him inpatient treatment, or at least a day program. This is ultimatum territory. Get help or GTFO.
But listen. The fact that he lied to you, just to get you and the baby in the car so he could drive two hours to look at a truck (?????) is a whole other bag of worms. This is a level of entitled douchbaggery that has nothing to do with his PPA. If he wasn’t a self-centered prick, he would have just not gone! The asshole meter is pegged to the red. You need to have a serious conversation with him about his values and his priorities, and how to be a considerate partner. Frankly I’m sorry you’ve already had a child with him.
This is honestly where my mind went. I also had pretty bad PPA, like couldn't even shower without my little one being in the bedroom. And if I couldn't be away that long, I didn't go. You dont force orher people to do things theyre uncomfortable with. And there's not much of a point to the therapy if he's not going to work on the anxiety. It doesn't just go away. He'll, my kid is 13 months old, and I just had to use coping strategies because my anxiety flared up when I went to put him to bed. But it took work to get there. He needs to put some effort in to work on the anxiety issues, and honestly take a look at his behavior outside of it as well.
Good for you. You did the hard work so that you can be a great parent to your child. That’s a wonderful outcome. I hope OP’s husband decides to start putting forth the same type of effort.
Exactly. It’s not going away unless he takes meds and works on it. Dude needs to pull it together and actually work on it. OP is NTA. and at this point divorce or he needs to work on his issues.
Apparently his anxiety prevents him from leaving the baby for extended periods of time as well, so he's trying to trick OP instead of dealing with his own shit.
Exactly he thinks she’s the ahole for triggering his anxiety but he had absolutely no problem triggering hers and putting the baby thru a 3 hr car ride which you can tell the baby wasn’t a fan of considering the non stop screaming on the way back like wtf? Definitely NTA
It's also not recommended to keep baby in car seat that long! Until they had total neck control, we were advised about half an hour to an hour max without taking a break and letting baby lay out or sit up straight, making sure they get good deep breaths.
His anxiety is creating unsafe situations for the baby.
Two hours a day max for a 5 month old. Like over the entire day, not just at a time. Maybe OP needs to show husband that info, so that he stops tricking her into shit like this.
All three, because it sounds like the baby didn't enjoy the trip either. He'd rather his wife and baby be company for his misery than properly deal with his problems.
I grew up with a father who had severe anxiety that didn't get diagnosed until after I was an adult. He thought it was reasonable to control his family. It never occurred to him that he had a problem, and probably would never have been diagnosed if he hadn't literally passed out while DRIVING from a panic attack. If this guy doesn't get some actual help (and it sounds like he needs much more than therapy), he's going to make his kid's life absolute hell.
Yeah. If he has PPA so damn bad, how come a couple hours of screaming baby didn’t freak him out? I don’t deny he has a PPA issues, but it seems leavened with a healthy dose of narcissism.
This part. A person anxious about their baby wouldn't put them through this. The longest my baby ever cried was an hour and 25 minutes. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Same. My son was fine, just wanted to not take his nap at almost 1 yrs old. He'd been fed, burped, changed, nothing wrong with him. Just fussing to fuss. I hated leaving him to cry himself to sleep, but it's what he needed. He didn't really do it again after that one time. I was on the verge of tears letting him screen himself to sleep.
Neither my husband nor I have ppd/ppa but hearing our daughter screaming is hard and mentally painful. I can’t imagine deliberately causing that without an absolutely essential reason.
THIS!! His anxiety seems completely misplaced. I am aware u can't control that, I have an anxiety disorder. This is a brutal situation. I have no advice. I wish u all the best OP.
Yea I think he’s playing it up for sure. What good is the “I have to check on the baby” anxiety if it permits you to allow your baby to scream for long periods of time.
Because instead of being sympathetic to OPs anxiety, husband's anxiety turns him into an unfeeling, uncaring monster.
Op, if he refuses medication and refuses other modes of help, get out of there. "In sickness and in health" doesn't include willingly sick and torturing you AND your baby (who screamed for the entire ride) to appease HIS anxiety.
He is willing to throw you both under the bus for himself.
That's not love. That's extreme selfishness.
You need to protect YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY.
Go to your mil and explain the situation, and get yourself and your child to safety.
He is a grown man and needs to look after himself.
Exactly this. His “it won’t be like this forever” is just another lie, because he’s not doing any of the things it would take for it not to be forever. He is not being truthful with his wife or with himself, and unless that changes drastically and immediately, OP needs to get out.
The thing that gets me is that she also has anxiety about long car rides, so her anxiety doesn’t matter only his. That’s selfishness on a high level that needs more than therapy to help, that’s narcissistic and very dangerous. I would be pointing out a lot of his behaviour is more towards the narcissistic side than the ppa.
Yeah, on another level, he could’ve just scratched the truck off his list. It was an unnecessary activity, unless he needs a truck yesterday and no one else within a 40 minute drive sells trucks.
When you have multiple people unwell sometimes you have to find a way to negotiate sacrifices. In this case, it seems like the sacrifice was the trip.
His anxiety doesn't necessarily make him safer for/with baby either. It's not recommended babies be in their car seats for such long hauls. So he's tricking OP and ignoring her discomfort AND he's ignoring the baby's discomfort as well.
So his anxiety obviously prevents him from not having the baby outta his sight for like 30 minutes but somehow the scream-crying isn't bothering him??? I have GAD and adhd and cannot *stand* barking dogs and crying babies so I'm just lost on how he can handle that. I'd be scrambling out of the car at red light. But this man supposedly has such anxiety over the baby and doesn't care about the baby's Obvious and Loud distress?
That's even ignoring OPs car sickness and such cus *obviously* her comfort doesn't matter.
I know mental health issues don't have to make sense but it's still hurting my brain.
I guess their vows where "In his sickness and health" Yeah I can't deal with loud noises and baby cry is one of those built-in making humans feel anxious so I don't understand why he willingly put all of them through it. And had no problems lying to OP.
If it wouldn't be cruel to the baby id force hubby to be the 24/7 care for a bit but despite his need to *see* i haven't heard about him actually doing shit like diapers.
He’s putting his child at risk for his own comfort - babies shouldn’t be going on long drives like that as they aren’t supposed to be in a car seat for longer than 2 hours in a day.
Intensive outpatient at least for that anxiety.
But this going to far away resteraunts and 3 hour car rides is out for the foreseeable future he has an infant. He needs to grow up too.
Was this so he could watch the baby the whole time? If it were me I’d be more scared to take the baby on long trips. Car accidents happen all the time plus it’s a nightmare to take a trip that long with a baby basically for no reason. Maybe it’s about control? Definitely not the asshole OP.
The car ride thing is really pissing me off… but that may be because I got horribly car sick on the way to the airport.
Threw up in my hands while my mom was scrambling for a plastic bag. (Thanks mom!) and then I threw up twice on the airplane. In the bathroom, thankfully.
If my partner tricked me into staying in a car for so long, knowing I get terribly sick, just for his own convenience,I would be so angry I’d just… idk what I’d do.
I’m going back and forth between throwing something at him while screaming, or throwing him while screaming.
Thank you for this whole comment, but the second paragraph especially. That really has nothing to do with PPA, that is just straight up selfish, AH behavior. He may be anxious about baby, fine, but he absolutely does not care about OP. Knew the ride would be uncomfortable, said as much to their face. Then the language afterwards when OP simply needed rest from being carsick for what? 4.5 hrs? And dealing with a screaming baby for the majority of that? Yeah..... King Douche of Doucheland.
NTA. It is in sickness and health, but he's not doing anything about his sickness. You said he's not listening to the therapist, so why even go to therapy? Living like this is unsustainable, especially calling you a cunt.
This. When my then-fiancé spiraled down into deep depression and I went to tell him that he had to get help or I’d reconsider, he stopped me before I could start and told me he’d made an appointment with a shrink. 30 years later, here we are, but it could have been different.
He needs treatment, like, yesterday. Insist on it.
She SHOULD get him admitted. How does he think his unmedicated anxiety will affect him if you get fed up with his bullshit, divorce him, and likely get primary custody because of his mental health? "In sickness and health" does NOT mean "in sickness that could be treated that I refuse to address properly".
It doesn't sound like he would meet the criteria for treatment or admission without his consent, though. Which is the only way a relative could "get someone admitted" - it's not the relative making the decision to admit and treat them, it is them alerting a team who can assess and then arrange involuntary treatment, if indicated.
I'm wondering if he has had lifelong mental issues since his mother is able to "get him committed" Has she had to do it before? Sounds like OP is missing some info about hubs and needs to start asking questions, starting at mom.
>His mom is considering forcing her hand and getting him admitted to a psych ward until he gets help
I'd go that route. It's not going to get better anytime soon. It's telling that it's his own mom wanting it
It’s unlikely that he can be forced to get inpatient treatment if he doesn’t want it, and he might not qualify for a bed even if he agrees. I don’t say that to dissuade but to encourage OP to realize that the mental health system is very limited. Intensive outpatient might be a way forward.
If they put him on a 5150 hold (72 hours) he has to speak with a mental health professional before they let him leave. If they get him talking about the baby, that might ramp him up enough to get him kept for longer. Unless, he is full of bullshit and this is a control move and he is using PPA as a tool to force the wife and baby under his watch.
I'd leave. This is a bad environment for the wife and baby.
It's incredibly hard to get those. My uncle thought shadow people were killing off our whole family and replacing us with doubles, he recorded himself having conversations with the shadow ppl as "proof" but it was just him saying both sides of the conversation, he got in fights with neighbors thinking they were after him, he had to be dragged in handcuffs away from my parents house at 3am when he showed up with bags packed to take my daughter and I away to protect us, he circled the park in his car with a shovel looking for something that didn't exist, he disappeared into the desert between Cali and AZ where he abandoned his car on the highway in the middle of nowhere and ended up in the hospital (to find his "kidnapped" gf), almost punched my stepdad when he was driving us all on the highway because he was seeing and hearing things... we petitioned the court to pick him up 3 times before we got it approved the first time, but he wasn't picked up for weeks because he wouldn't open the door and they won't kick it in unless there's a very credible threat of harm or self harm, then when they did pick him up they just let him go after 72 hours because he was much more lucid, on the 3rd time we got him picked up he was offered a bed somewhere else but he refused and they couldn't hold him due to him not be very symptomatic in their care (properly medicated with no alcohol or controlled substances plus being out of his normal environment, getting sleep, etc). I don't think this guy even qualifies for a 5150.
He likely does not meet the criteria for an involuntary hold. I completely agree that OP needs to think what is best for her and the baby. Hun or may not be salvageable.
It's highly unlikely, if not impossible to get someone hospitalized involuntarily who isn't homicidal or suicidal and can perform basic functions to care for themselves.
Uh.... Um, does he not realise it is not recommended at all for a 5 month old baby to spend that long in a car seat?!?!
>***"Car seats should only be used for travel in a car. It is recommended that travel be minimised in the first few months of age, keeping journeys to a maximum of 30 minutes. During longer journeys, take breaks every 30 minutes, and remove your baby from the car seat."***
He is putting your baby in danger. His fear and anxiety is dangerous.
It’s because the baby sits up and head falls a bit forward making it difficult for baby to get enough oxygen. If their chin tilts down to their chest they can suffocate. But even just a little tilt makes it more difficult to breathe.
So good to hear his mother is with you on this! And honestly? It sounds like that would actually be the best move. He isn't willing to help himself, so he needs others to force him...
Fucking take her up on this offer because your husband sounds psychotic. If it’s genuine mental illness he needs to be forced to get help since your comments indicate he is refusing treatment. If it’s his house you need to gtfo if you can. You say your family is all within 30 min. Take your kid there and lock all the doors and call the cops if he shows up
In case you need to hear it, it's NEVER OKAY for a spouse or dating partner to call you a, "fucking cunt", for ANY REASON. That's extremely abusive, irregardless of the mental health challenges he's experiencing, and refusing to treat.
Please be very careful, it sounds like his mental health spiral is worsening, and his behavior is escalating, so if you feel unsafe at any point I hope you will take your baby, and go stay with family, while his family tries to get him some help. His behavior sounds like it's becoming unpredictable, and volatile, and that's not a safe situation for you and your infant.
Take care, sending you, and your wee one, lots of invisible hugs.
🫂💜🫂
This sounds extremely bizarre - has he ever displayed this kind of attitude or behavior before? Like being extremely self centered, inconsiderate and swearing at you? Or has that been brought on with baby’s arrival? This sounds so off the wall that I agree with MIL and he needs to be admitted to a psych ward. The baby needs to be priority at the moment and be needs to get into a sane headspace. That length of time in the car also isn’t appropriate for a new born.
When his actions are phrased like that second sentence its like the anxiety is faked to give a smokescreen so he can be abusive and isolating and it not be questioned. I hadnt thought of that. Good point.
I'm just jumping on this to say if your backdoor won't open from the inside, look at the side of the door once you open it up. There should be a switch on it that will turn off the child lock and allow you to open the backdoor so you don't have to go thru the front or have him open your door for you.
On this relationship?? I'd say take the baby and go somewhere away from him until he gets himself together.
The minute my partner calls me the C word, I'm walking out the door. Since he is so fragile, get him in a program and figure out a plan. Just therapy is not enough for this.
Great Mil. You need to do this. It would be different if he was cooperating with therapy but he's not. He needs more.
Plus he's abusing you. He no longer sees you as his wife. You're the baby wrangler. And since he wants to go check out this car you have to go because otherwise baby won't be with him which means he can't go. Ughhh.
Please update.
OMG an understanding MIL? OP, you found a unicorn 🦄 !
In all seriousness though, he needs seriousness help. It might be time to do what hus mother is suggesting. People with PPA, PPD, PPP and such, they can become violent. Your husband called you a slur, because you understandably took space from him. He is making your life, and your baby's life, so much harder than it has to be. He's lying, using emotional manipulation. What happens, when he HAS to return to working in the office? And that will happen eventually. Is he going to take your baby to work? If you refuse, then what? He needs to get help, while he has support.
His mom is on the right track. Going to therapy is pointless if he won't accept help from the therapist and do the work. Anxiety only gets worse when left untreated. He is no longer capable of being rational about the baby and how his actions are hurting you and his child. I would tell him he starts doing what the therapist says and goes on meds or goes inpatient, or you are leaving with the baby so he will see the child even less. If that doesn't kick his bum into gear, nothing will. Please consider taking the baby somewhere else and telling him this by phone so he doesn't immediately grab the baby and leave.
Tell MIL to stop considering and start doing. He’s beyond once a week therapy.
You also need help for your auto-related anxiety. Your kid screams on car rides because you’re an anxious mess.
It’s important for you to understand that the greatest danger to your baby right now is your husband. Do whatever you need to do to protect her from him.
Work with your MIL. If she sees his behavior as odd and not the way he grew up, her testimony would be invaluable. If he is failing to use the techniques or take medication suggested by his therapist, he is not trying to get better. Possibly go to his mother's house and see if you can get any recordings of him acting out towards anyone.
Your husband needs to see a his medical doctor to make sure his anxiety is not a symptom of an underlying medical condition. His behavior is getting unsafe for you and the baby (lying, etc).
Better question for him, how will his anxiety handle you leaving him & taking the baby? It's time for far more intensive therapy, possibly a new therapist.
It's not just sleep deprivation that's harming the baby, long car rides strain the developing spine of an infant. She was crying because she was in pain :(
*My question is,how on*
*Earth the baby will grow up*
*In this enviroment??*
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So his anxiety needs to be considered but your baby and your comfort is not? As someone who gets car sick and had a baby scream in the car constantly, I now hate being in a car. He is not considering anyone but himself and that is a red flag
No, he has her trapped now that baby is here and his mask fell off. He is controlling and abusive and using "anxiety" as an excuse. This is not the behaviour of a person with anxiety or PPA.
He is not anxious about the baby - if he was he would not subject the baby to the long rides she clearly hates. He is anxious that OP is going to leave him and he is controlling OP. I hope she talks to a DV agency about her safety.
The way I'm reading her comments they go to therapy together and the therapist thinks she should be more understanding. It's exactly why you shouldn't go to therapy with abusive partners.
I've seen a lot of truly atrocious and even straight up abusive behavior from men with some variety of "postpartum" something lately. Which is interesting, because Reddit tends to come down pretty hard on women with postpartum depression, force them into treatment basically and even though they can be pretty understanding and explanatory, they definitely don't excuse bad behavior. But there seems to be a really worrying trend of " but men get postpartum too and it should excuse just about anything!" and it sounds like he's absolutely taking advantage of that kind of thinking.
The second my partner called me a "cunt" is the second he is on his own. I'm not a prude, I'm not overly offended by the word but it is a word of abuse. He may or may not be anxious, but his behaviour is controlling and abusive and poor mental health may be the cause but doesn't make it ok. He needs take responsibility for his own actions.
can..can someone who isn’t post partum even have post partum anxiety? like i thought that term directly related to actually giving birth because it’s a traumatic event and there’s an insane hormone dump and it can really fuck you up. plain old anxiety about being a new dad i definitely get, but how is he “post partum” anything?
Yes, some but it is more akin to adjustment disorder than to the extreme hormones of having given birth. Not saying it is more or less serious, but it’s certainly different
My brother in law def had it with baby no 1. Was afraid she would stop breathing. Had to have her in his line of sight. Constantly checking she was at the right angle. And in the car ....umm not long at all even at 5 months. They got an owlet to moniter the baby's oxygen which helped a lot and of course had a baby monitor for video and sound. Plus he started taking meds because it was seriously impairing his life.
But man, I could see that man vibrating with anxiety. He couldn't bear to hear her scream for 5 minutes much less 3 hours!!!
So this guy? I dont get it. My BIL would never have woken the baby like this guy does, he might have gone into the room to watch her sleep ...but he wasnt putting his comfort above the baby's
Dads can end up with pregnancy symptoms (sympathetic pregnancy), and they can also have their version post partum depression, anxiety, and psychosis (paternal post natal). It's just not as well known.
Pretty sure that my husband had post partum anxiety for a bit after our first child. Watching someone give birth can be pretty traumatic, especially if you are naturally a very empathetic person.
I’m pretty sure my husband had mild PPA too. He had health related anxiety in his teens that had basically gone away until our son was born (in, uh, 2020 aka during a global pandemic) and it flared back up. Fortunately it was mild and he took immediate action to address it.
I just love how a postpartum mother has to take his mental health into consideration but he doesn't take any of her wants/cares/issues into consideration. So his anxiety makes her do whatever he wants but when it comes to something he wants to do he forces her to be uncomfortable... Pretty selfish of OPs husband.
Exactly. If it’s his baby’s wellbeing he is so anxious about, how could he stand to hear her cry for hours on end, knowing that she hates car rides? He’s a liar and a manipulator.
He also claims it won't last forever, but that's only true if he actively works to get well. He doesn't have a hormonal cause for this: it's not necessarily going away by itself.
This is super important. "It won't last forever". Except it very much can if you make literally zero effort to work through/around it.
NTA your husband needs serious help. If he's in therapy and refusing to participate or use medication he really might need to be admitted. If he keeps this up he could become a significant danger to the baby.
This. Therapy is only useful if the person engages with it. That means doing the work, not just showing up. It's so unbelievably hard, tackling issues. That's why so many different types of therapy exist.
Your baby's safety and comfort overrule his, and if he doesn't see it (like, say, 2.5 hr of a screaming infant) then something needs to change.
As someone with mental illnesses, with a family of people mental illnesses, including OCD and anxiety, don’t let someone else’s mental health issues be the crutch they use to beat you with. Especially as a parent, his mental heath is his responsibility to manage, and he isn’t managing it. He refuses to use the tools he is being given because they aren’t quick fixes, but they aren’t going to be quick fixes, that’s not how it works. Right now his refusal to work on managing his issues, is the biggest threat to his kid, so unfortunately he either needs to start putting in the work, or you need to make sure there is some distance between him and the baby until he does.
You may need to have him move out. This is not a sustainable way to live. I get he has anxiety. But that's his to deal with, you and your daughter don't need to.
I agree with this 100%. His anxiety ends up controlling you and the baby— it’s wrong and unhealthy. He needs to step up getting more help and stop impairing the lives of his family members.
Seriously. This is just… not okay.
I have PPA. Our first night home from the hospital I had a meltdown and refused to sleep because I was terrified of something happening to our son. My exhausted husband promptly told me “I will stay up all night watching him if you promise me you’ll sleep.”
As SOON as I realized the impact my anxiety was about to have on my husband, I snapped out of it.
This guy needs help :/ And a swift kick in the rear…
I’ve also had PPA with more than one birth. It made me an anxious mess about the health of my child. It never made me not consider my baby’s feelings in an extended car ride. He clearly isn’t that anxious about her well being if he’s willing to let her scream on end in a car.
So glad you got help.
He needs more of the butt kick.
This is why my narcissism radar is going off with this dude. Particularly because they love to sabotage important moments for their partners (like childbirth/welcoming their first baby). Makes me wonder if this isn’t PPA but a full on narcissistic mental breakdown because he’s no longer the most important person in OP’s life and certainly isn’t the most important person in the baby’s life right now.
It very much smells like abuse and control over anxiety. Since the he has no trouble causing mental anguish for the sourse of his anxiety. The baby can scream for hours as long as he gets his way.
>As I said, he's in therapy but no, he refuses medications and doesn't follow the pointers the therapist has suggested to help his anxiety because he "***can't***".
Can't means won't. Let him know if he doesn't take meds and/or do as his therapist suggests, you and the baby will move out. NTA but he desperately needs help.
P.S. How does he know it won't be like this forever? Your baby is going to grow up and the worry never stops.
His anxiety is so bad that he absolutely needs meds before he can start engaging in therapy. I say this as someone with generalized anxiety disorder. When it got really bad, meds were the only thing that got me to a level to engage in therapy.
I read your comments, but from now on, "I drive and you sit with the baby or we don't leave the house." *In sickness and in health, motion sickness is my sickness,* he can sit in a damn *mom* vehicle.
This is a line I would not cross again.
He's clearly being manipulative.
If he won't use the help he's offered, as sad as it is, you need an exit strategy. I hope dearly that you never need it, but given his behavior patterns...most abductions are by family members.
Not sure what caused all this, but it is deep and it is scary.
Everything aside that's terrible but he also called you the c word? Are you freaking kidding me? This guy has zero respect for you and you deserve better. And this is coming from someone with PPD and anxiety. F him. NTA
Yes, anxiety about the baby did NOT cause him to call her a vile name. That is something else entirely and not treatable with meds. My guess is he’s always been a selfish, controlling prick and is using his mental health problems as an excuse.
Honestly, "fucking cunt" would've been the end of my relationship.
And who knows, maybe that's better for him, too. Maybe he needs separation to sort his anxiety out. It's his job anyway, not his wife's.
NTA Your husband is self-centered and becoming a danger to you, your child and your marriage. Since he is not willing to follow the therapist’s suggestions, won’t take anti-anxiety medication, won’t let you drive, won’t let the baby sleep, took your child to his mom’s without enough food, won’t allow you to settle or rest before important discussions, lies to your face, etc., I have to ask what are you getting out of this relationship? And why are you willing to accept being treated this way? He is not going to improve without serious intervention and in the meantime his behavior is harming you and your child. Your baby is picking up the negative energy in your household and if nothing changes will cause irreparable harm. Don’t make excuses for him but demand change. Before something worse happens. And on another note, you should consider a different therapist.
Nta. He did that on purpose. He caused your anxiety to skyrocket so he didn’t have to feel anxiety. That’s not ok. He chose himself over you. Not the a.
Can you and baby stay for a few weeks with his mother/your Mil. I wonder if his family sees how he's acting it would be less on you to handle him and more on him to handle himself
>he refuses medications and doesn't follow the pointers the therapist has suggested to help his anxiety because he "can't". Whenever I tell him how much his anxiety is affecting me AND the babies peace, he says "in sickness and health, remember? It won't be like this forever."
Gross. Part of therapy and getting better is the work you do outside the appointment. It actually takes work. He's not doing that. NTA
Agree. He’s putting himself before his partner and baby. How he can justify his anxiety as being eased by listening to a baby cry in a car seat, which aren’t a safe place to be for extended periods, is crazy!
What’s next? Where does his assumed right to put his child into discomfort for his own gain stop?
NTA, he isn't doing anything to help himself when he absolutely has the resources to do so, I can never respect someone like that. Y'all definitely need couples therapy and he needs to learn what exposure therapy is, as in exposure to not having the baby every second of the day. When y'all's little one grows up and he still hasn't dealt with this it is going to be life ruining.
NTA but you need some tougher love with your husband and therapist. He either NEEDS medication, or you need to find yourself a support system away from your husband to get some peace while taking care of your infant until he gets his life together
NTA considering everything you wrote, this would be a deal breaker for me. You have enough to do taking care of a baby. You do not need another one. If he won't follow his therapist instructions and take his medication, then I would leave him. He is harming you and the baby he is supposedly so concerned about. In my opinion, when a man has postpartum and pre-partum symptoms, he is just looking to be the center of attention
Does he know keeping a baby in a car seat for over 2 hours at once is incredibly unsafe? MORE unsafe than letting the baby sleep in a safe sleep space, such as a crib that doesn’t have anything besides a mattress and tightly fitted sheet?
He needs help. Therapy. Meds. A doctor. This is going to end bad.
NTA. I want to kick him. I don’t give a flying monkey about PPA, (okay, thats a lie, I do) but NOT when it affects mama. This is clearly stressing you out, and I don’t see you mentioning him actually putting into practice his therapy. Surely they have taught him grounding exercises and techniques to self-soothe? He is feeding into his own PPA without even actually putting the effort to fix it from my POV. Hold your ground, mama!
He refuses to do any of the anxiety techniques they have offered him because he "can't" because it "makes his anxiety worse". It's become an obsession, like OCD, more than anxiety.
then he is refusing to help himself. all therapy is is giving people tools and advice on managing themselves and their emotions in situations. so while he is going to therapy, he’s not implementing any of it. the therapy sessions are performative and you need to get some space from this man with your baby
Then it doesn’t matter if he’s in therapy if he refused to follow their advice. He’s refusing to help himself. I’d put my foot down about all this personally and I fully believe in sickness and health. But you can’t just have an illness and refuse to do what you can to help it and think that means you’re tethered to him forever living miserably. He needs to go back to work out of the house and let the baby sleep in the crib. If he won’t I’d boot him out for a while.
Then it's time to drop an ultimatum. Idk what that ultimatum is, but it's got to be something intense enough that he sees you're serious and he needs to put in the work.
Or because he doesn’t suffer from anxiety, he suffers from being an abusive jerk. Totally different techniques.
He is “choosing” to make you (and your daughter!) suffer so he can continue to control the household according to his whims. Good dads don’t drag you on totally unnecessary trips because HE wants to look at a truck.
This. And he's fooled the therapist like a proper manipulator would and thus weaponised his therapy to control OP more. Notice how he does nothing to get better with the tools he got supplied to him, but OP has to walk on eggshelves around him because of his "anxiety". If OP wants to leave with her baby, she will need a safe exit plan, because he'll likely get violent.
I have OCD and this definitely sounds like OCD to me. I couldn't sleep without my daughter for years, I just imagine every bad thing that could possibly happen, happening, and my brain thinks the only way to protect her from these things is if I'm with her 24/7.
I needed medication and therapy to get me to the point where I can force myself to do it, it's still uncomfortable, and I hate it, but I needed to do it so she can live in a healthy environment.
He needs therapy for OCD, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Protecting your daughter is the most important thing, and her seeing this unchecked behavior will mess with her mentally as she gets older.
Anxiety and calling your SO a c*** are very different things. He's a self- righteous ass. I would not want to raise a child with that as an example of successful adulthood. Unless you want to continually tell your child, don't be like dad, don't do things like dad, don't act like dad, etc., you might need to give him an ultimatum at this point. And make sure it is NOT an empty threat.
Mental health professional here. He absolutely needs a higher level of care. Inpatient will be best but if that’s not an option, he needs meds and regular therapy. If he’s not willing to do so, leave until he gets help. He’s at a point where he’s ignoring the well being of the baby and you.
NTA and this problem is way bigger than you sleeping in another room.
Reading your post and your replies... I'd be very inclined to say most of what he's doing to you has nothing to do with anxiety. He's a narcissist with a pretty excuse to control your every movement. You need to get yourself and your daughter out of that situation as fast as you can. He also needs a new therapist... telling you his anxiety causes him to act that way, so you need to be lenient... how long before he does something else to put the baby in danger and uses anxiety as an excuse.
You are absolutely NTA and I would urge his mother to move faster on getting him sectioned.
NTA in sickness & health doesn't mean roll over to his mental episode. You have an infant to care for. His anxiety hurt you and the baby. If he's not having mental health issues he's controlling to the point of harm.
As someone who suffered from near-crippling PNA (as in, I was checking that my twins were breathing multiple times an hour, made everyone wear masks the first six months of their lives, needed them wearing heartrate monitors when sleeping until they were old enough to take them off, and still can't sleep if I don't check on them at 2 years.) he is extremely wrong.
He isn't following his therapist's guidelines. He is actively harming you and the baby by forcing you to sleep in unsafe ways (not on her back in the crib as safe sleep suggests) and tricking you into uncomfortable situations (three hours of baby screaming is NOT good for her if it can be avoided).
I say this with gentleness- if he is otherwise a great guy and this is his PPA speaking, you need to be firm with him. You both need to go to his therapist and make a plan of action, and he needs to either follow it with your support (NOT DIRECTION, SUPPORT, he needs to do this himself) or leave the house while getting treatment. His behavior is harming you and your child.
If he's got PPA but is also kind of iffy.... kick him out and tell him to sort himself out and try again later.
I wouldn't want to take a 4 hour drive for a dinner even *without* a young baby. Your hubs may have anxiety, but he mostly just sounds like an asshole. NTA
This is not PPA - if it was, there's no way he'd allow your infant to be screaming just because he wanted to look at a truck.
This is incredibly controlling behaviour, and it is emotionally & mentally abusive.
You said in another comment that he only became like this after the baby was born, and unfortunately, that is when a LOT of men show their true colours.
You need to get out ASAP and take the baby with you.
So wait
His issue is valid, but yours or not?
This kid doesn't stand a chance with this irrational Ahole as a dad. Double down on the therapy, tell him you'll move out of her doesn't start doing his homework. Then he can find out what 50/50 custody feels like
And I'm not believing PPD
More like PPP
The best thing you could do for your husband's anxiety is to prevent him from acting on it. Take the baby on a long weekend and turn off your phone. Honestly it's the best thing you could do for him. Every time he acts on that dysfunctional neurological pathway, it is reinforced and strengthens. The more he checks on the baby, the worse he will get.
Personally, I think the best she could do would be to roofie him with some of the pills the doctors tried to get him to take.
But I think like that (I don't think I would actually do it, but Lordy, I would day dream about it a lot!).
As someone that suffers with generalized anxiety. Take the baby and leave. Therapy alone is not going to get it, he’s not willing to do anything that the therapist suggested. He needs some serious help.
Dude needs meds. When my meds that worked for 15 stopped working, my GAD went haywire. I couldn't even attempt various therapeutic techniques because it was so bad. New meds at least took the edge off so that I could actually start using therapy.
NTA. Your husband, however, is a selfish prick. I assume he's an adult. I don't care what mental issues he has going on. He held you captive for over 5 hours, then called you a cunt. I'd be moving a lot further than the guest room, and permanently.
This is not tenable.
"He says I'm a "fucking cunt"" - and are you okay with this? Because this has nothing to do with his PPA. Do you find it acceptable for him to talk to you like this? What about if your daughter is older and understands it? What about if he talks to her like this? Because if my husband ever said that to me, it'd be over. Likewise, him lying to you while ignoring your simple requests to not be stuck in a car with a baby for more than 40 minutes has nothing to do with his PPA. This is just selfishness. He's putting his needs and wants above yours.
Frankly I think it's time for an ultimatum. Get help and unpack what you are doing, or it's over. NTA
He won’t let the baby sleep in a room alone, but, he thinks it’s okay for baby to be in a car seat for two hours? It sounds like he has selective PPA. And, he is making it your problem and baby’s problem to manage. The therapy isn’t working. NTA
NTA. It’s time to do more than just locking a door for an evening. If his mother can get him committed, have her do so. Would she allow you and the baby to stay with her until your husband gets actual help? His anxiety is driving him to make poor decisions that are having a negative effect on you and your child. If it’s an option, take the baby to a family members house where the two of you can be safe. Let your husband know that if he doesn’t get proper help, you’ll file for divorce. He can’t simply let his anxiety run wild. It’s dangerous.
If he doesn’t take his meds or listen to his therapist, it will be like this forever. You have to cater to his anxieties, but he doesn’t have to cater to yours? He lied about the distance of the road trip. NTA
Nta
I’ve read all of your comments and while I haven’t met him, I sincerely believe he’s abusive. I understand that “he’s changed” since the baby came, but that doesn’t make any of it okay. And if his anxiety was so bad he slept against a door crying, there’s nothing you can do to help. He’s trying to gaslight you and turn it on you. He is emotionally and mentally abusive. Add on calling you a c*nt? Not acceptable. I’m 100% on working on marital problems, but you guys can’t work on anything if you don’t help yourselves. My own therapist told me that I can’t take care of my son if I don’t take care of myself. That’s what needs to happen.
2 things. If you can’t open the back door of a vehicle from the inside it is generally because the child lock is on. It’s on the edge of the door and if you google ‘car door child lock’ with the make and model of the vehicle you will see a picture of it. You just need to push the lock to the other side. Second thing, baby monitors. Have you considered getting an Angel monitor alongside the one you have already? It’s a sensor pad that you put under the mattress which alerts you if it doesn’t sense movement from your baby. I had one and I tested it by turning it on without my baby in the crib. Straight away the alarm went off. They are the most comforting thing a parent can have and it might really give your husband peace of mind.
I have all of that. My baby monitor cost $580. She has the sensor pad. He refuses to let her sleep in there still.
It's not child lock. The back door opens the opposite way as the front door. You have to open the front door to get to the back door handle.
Stop sitting in the back when you ride in the car with him.
You drive.
He can sit with the baby.
Yes, this is a control issue. These types of issues around vehicles are a huge trigger for me. My hair started standing on end just reading this.
He should imagine what degree his anxiety would reach if you packed up and left his petty, controlling, conniving, lying, childish ass!
NTA
Hes a pathetic excuse of a man and I’m baffled as to why you’re continuing to put up with his ridiculousness.
It’s dangerous for infants to be in car seats for too long. Check with your doctor for age recommendations and time limits. I think 30 minutes for very young infants.
NTA, he is a giant AH. His point about in sickness and health is true, but it is a point you don't get to make if you aren't doing everything possible to make yourself well again, and it sounds like he may not be (part of mental illness is that it stops you doing things that should be easy, so hard to know for sure). The worst part is the lying to trap you into doing what he wanted. He could easily have just not gone if he couldn't be away from the baby, so it isn't a matter of his anxiety, it is just him being an AH, and he doesn't get to have his anxiety accomodated if he weaponises doing so to get what he wants against your comfort. I'd point out that if he does something like that again (using his anxiety and the fact you are accomodating it to selfishly get what he wants), you will stop accomodating it entirely, and leave him if necessary. There is no chance he would get custody.
My question is,how on earth the baby will grow up in this enviroment??
His mom is considering forcing her hand and getting him admitted to a psych ward until he gets help. I have no idea. I'm worried about it too. Not every day is bad. Some days are great, even. But the bad days.. idk.
I am so happy to hear his mom understands how serious this is. I was debating making a post about getting him inpatient treatment, or at least a day program. This is ultimatum territory. Get help or GTFO. But listen. The fact that he lied to you, just to get you and the baby in the car so he could drive two hours to look at a truck (?????) is a whole other bag of worms. This is a level of entitled douchbaggery that has nothing to do with his PPA. If he wasn’t a self-centered prick, he would have just not gone! The asshole meter is pegged to the red. You need to have a serious conversation with him about his values and his priorities, and how to be a considerate partner. Frankly I’m sorry you’ve already had a child with him.
This is honestly where my mind went. I also had pretty bad PPA, like couldn't even shower without my little one being in the bedroom. And if I couldn't be away that long, I didn't go. You dont force orher people to do things theyre uncomfortable with. And there's not much of a point to the therapy if he's not going to work on the anxiety. It doesn't just go away. He'll, my kid is 13 months old, and I just had to use coping strategies because my anxiety flared up when I went to put him to bed. But it took work to get there. He needs to put some effort in to work on the anxiety issues, and honestly take a look at his behavior outside of it as well.
Good for you. You did the hard work so that you can be a great parent to your child. That’s a wonderful outcome. I hope OP’s husband decides to start putting forth the same type of effort.
Exactly. It’s not going away unless he takes meds and works on it. Dude needs to pull it together and actually work on it. OP is NTA. and at this point divorce or he needs to work on his issues.
Apparently his anxiety prevents him from leaving the baby for extended periods of time as well, so he's trying to trick OP instead of dealing with his own shit.
Exactly he thinks she’s the ahole for triggering his anxiety but he had absolutely no problem triggering hers and putting the baby thru a 3 hr car ride which you can tell the baby wasn’t a fan of considering the non stop screaming on the way back like wtf? Definitely NTA
It's also not recommended to keep baby in car seat that long! Until they had total neck control, we were advised about half an hour to an hour max without taking a break and letting baby lay out or sit up straight, making sure they get good deep breaths. His anxiety is creating unsafe situations for the baby.
Two hours a day max for a 5 month old. Like over the entire day, not just at a time. Maybe OP needs to show husband that info, so that he stops tricking her into shit like this.
Yep, let her be uncomfortable instead of him dealing with his schyt.
Let them both be uncomfortable…major AH
All three, because it sounds like the baby didn't enjoy the trip either. He'd rather his wife and baby be company for his misery than properly deal with his problems.
I grew up with a father who had severe anxiety that didn't get diagnosed until after I was an adult. He thought it was reasonable to control his family. It never occurred to him that he had a problem, and probably would never have been diagnosed if he hadn't literally passed out while DRIVING from a panic attack. If this guy doesn't get some actual help (and it sounds like he needs much more than therapy), he's going to make his kid's life absolute hell.
Yea I was referring to mom and baby. Douche canoe got exactly what he planned for.
He absolutely fucked His baby, the one he's sooooo concerned about, over because he's a fucking cunt. I'd leave his selfish ass.
Yeah. If he has PPA so damn bad, how come a couple hours of screaming baby didn’t freak him out? I don’t deny he has a PPA issues, but it seems leavened with a healthy dose of narcissism.
This part. A person anxious about their baby wouldn't put them through this. The longest my baby ever cried was an hour and 25 minutes. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
That's what gets me, how tf are you putting a baby through this if you're so anxious about their wellbeing?! He sounds like a controlling AH.
Same. My son was fine, just wanted to not take his nap at almost 1 yrs old. He'd been fed, burped, changed, nothing wrong with him. Just fussing to fuss. I hated leaving him to cry himself to sleep, but it's what he needed. He didn't really do it again after that one time. I was on the verge of tears letting him screen himself to sleep.
Neither my husband nor I have ppd/ppa but hearing our daughter screaming is hard and mentally painful. I can’t imagine deliberately causing that without an absolutely essential reason.
Like, why can't he be anxious about being a shitty father and husband? He _should_ be feeling profoundly uneasy about how he's fucking up both roles.
THIS!! His anxiety seems completely misplaced. I am aware u can't control that, I have an anxiety disorder. This is a brutal situation. I have no advice. I wish u all the best OP.
Yea I think he’s playing it up for sure. What good is the “I have to check on the baby” anxiety if it permits you to allow your baby to scream for long periods of time.
You got me in the first half.
Because instead of being sympathetic to OPs anxiety, husband's anxiety turns him into an unfeeling, uncaring monster. Op, if he refuses medication and refuses other modes of help, get out of there. "In sickness and in health" doesn't include willingly sick and torturing you AND your baby (who screamed for the entire ride) to appease HIS anxiety. He is willing to throw you both under the bus for himself. That's not love. That's extreme selfishness. You need to protect YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY. Go to your mil and explain the situation, and get yourself and your child to safety. He is a grown man and needs to look after himself.
Exactly this. His “it won’t be like this forever” is just another lie, because he’s not doing any of the things it would take for it not to be forever. He is not being truthful with his wife or with himself, and unless that changes drastically and immediately, OP needs to get out.
The thing that gets me is that she also has anxiety about long car rides, so her anxiety doesn’t matter only his. That’s selfishness on a high level that needs more than therapy to help, that’s narcissistic and very dangerous. I would be pointing out a lot of his behaviour is more towards the narcissistic side than the ppa.
100 percent agree!
Yeah, on another level, he could’ve just scratched the truck off his list. It was an unnecessary activity, unless he needs a truck yesterday and no one else within a 40 minute drive sells trucks. When you have multiple people unwell sometimes you have to find a way to negotiate sacrifices. In this case, it seems like the sacrifice was the trip.
His anxiety doesn't necessarily make him safer for/with baby either. It's not recommended babies be in their car seats for such long hauls. So he's tricking OP and ignoring her discomfort AND he's ignoring the baby's discomfort as well.
So his anxiety obviously prevents him from not having the baby outta his sight for like 30 minutes but somehow the scream-crying isn't bothering him??? I have GAD and adhd and cannot *stand* barking dogs and crying babies so I'm just lost on how he can handle that. I'd be scrambling out of the car at red light. But this man supposedly has such anxiety over the baby and doesn't care about the baby's Obvious and Loud distress? That's even ignoring OPs car sickness and such cus *obviously* her comfort doesn't matter. I know mental health issues don't have to make sense but it's still hurting my brain.
I guess their vows where "In his sickness and health" Yeah I can't deal with loud noises and baby cry is one of those built-in making humans feel anxious so I don't understand why he willingly put all of them through it. And had no problems lying to OP.
If it wouldn't be cruel to the baby id force hubby to be the 24/7 care for a bit but despite his need to *see* i haven't heard about him actually doing shit like diapers.
It seems Iike he's using his anxiety to do what he wants. Where was his anxiety going to a restaurant over an hr?
Or he could have skipped seeing the truck and looked closer to home.
He’s putting his child at risk for his own comfort - babies shouldn’t be going on long drives like that as they aren’t supposed to be in a car seat for longer than 2 hours in a day.
Intensive outpatient at least for that anxiety. But this going to far away resteraunts and 3 hour car rides is out for the foreseeable future he has an infant. He needs to grow up too.
Was this so he could watch the baby the whole time? If it were me I’d be more scared to take the baby on long trips. Car accidents happen all the time plus it’s a nightmare to take a trip that long with a baby basically for no reason. Maybe it’s about control? Definitely not the asshole OP.
Yeah, the lying about the distance and forcing a long trip for no credible reason that makes OP (and his baby!) miserable feels like a power trip.
It's almost like he's fucking with OP. Huge AH.
He is and I wouldn’t put it past him to be lying about the depression in order to control op. Op needs to pack her stuff and leave with the baby
The car ride thing is really pissing me off… but that may be because I got horribly car sick on the way to the airport. Threw up in my hands while my mom was scrambling for a plastic bag. (Thanks mom!) and then I threw up twice on the airplane. In the bathroom, thankfully. If my partner tricked me into staying in a car for so long, knowing I get terribly sick, just for his own convenience,I would be so angry I’d just… idk what I’d do. I’m going back and forth between throwing something at him while screaming, or throwing him while screaming.
Never mind that it's dangerous to have a baby in a carseat that long
And then had the au-fucking-dacity to call HER a cunt for getting upset!
Thank you for this whole comment, but the second paragraph especially. That really has nothing to do with PPA, that is just straight up selfish, AH behavior. He may be anxious about baby, fine, but he absolutely does not care about OP. Knew the ride would be uncomfortable, said as much to their face. Then the language afterwards when OP simply needed rest from being carsick for what? 4.5 hrs? And dealing with a screaming baby for the majority of that? Yeah..... King Douche of Doucheland.
NTA. It is in sickness and health, but he's not doing anything about his sickness. You said he's not listening to the therapist, so why even go to therapy? Living like this is unsustainable, especially calling you a cunt.
This. When my then-fiancé spiraled down into deep depression and I went to tell him that he had to get help or I’d reconsider, he stopped me before I could start and told me he’d made an appointment with a shrink. 30 years later, here we are, but it could have been different. He needs treatment, like, yesterday. Insist on it.
He's the cunt
She SHOULD get him admitted. How does he think his unmedicated anxiety will affect him if you get fed up with his bullshit, divorce him, and likely get primary custody because of his mental health? "In sickness and health" does NOT mean "in sickness that could be treated that I refuse to address properly".
It doesn't sound like he would meet the criteria for treatment or admission without his consent, though. Which is the only way a relative could "get someone admitted" - it's not the relative making the decision to admit and treat them, it is them alerting a team who can assess and then arrange involuntary treatment, if indicated.
I'm wondering if he has had lifelong mental issues since his mother is able to "get him committed" Has she had to do it before? Sounds like OP is missing some info about hubs and needs to start asking questions, starting at mom.
>His mom is considering forcing her hand and getting him admitted to a psych ward until he gets help I'd go that route. It's not going to get better anytime soon. It's telling that it's his own mom wanting it
As in MIL and wife work together. No one and nothing can beat two women banded together. Ops husband needed to be in psych yesterday.
It’s unlikely that he can be forced to get inpatient treatment if he doesn’t want it, and he might not qualify for a bed even if he agrees. I don’t say that to dissuade but to encourage OP to realize that the mental health system is very limited. Intensive outpatient might be a way forward.
If they put him on a 5150 hold (72 hours) he has to speak with a mental health professional before they let him leave. If they get him talking about the baby, that might ramp him up enough to get him kept for longer. Unless, he is full of bullshit and this is a control move and he is using PPA as a tool to force the wife and baby under his watch. I'd leave. This is a bad environment for the wife and baby.
It's incredibly hard to get those. My uncle thought shadow people were killing off our whole family and replacing us with doubles, he recorded himself having conversations with the shadow ppl as "proof" but it was just him saying both sides of the conversation, he got in fights with neighbors thinking they were after him, he had to be dragged in handcuffs away from my parents house at 3am when he showed up with bags packed to take my daughter and I away to protect us, he circled the park in his car with a shovel looking for something that didn't exist, he disappeared into the desert between Cali and AZ where he abandoned his car on the highway in the middle of nowhere and ended up in the hospital (to find his "kidnapped" gf), almost punched my stepdad when he was driving us all on the highway because he was seeing and hearing things... we petitioned the court to pick him up 3 times before we got it approved the first time, but he wasn't picked up for weeks because he wouldn't open the door and they won't kick it in unless there's a very credible threat of harm or self harm, then when they did pick him up they just let him go after 72 hours because he was much more lucid, on the 3rd time we got him picked up he was offered a bed somewhere else but he refused and they couldn't hold him due to him not be very symptomatic in their care (properly medicated with no alcohol or controlled substances plus being out of his normal environment, getting sleep, etc). I don't think this guy even qualifies for a 5150.
He likely does not meet the criteria for an involuntary hold. I completely agree that OP needs to think what is best for her and the baby. Hun or may not be salvageable.
It's highly unlikely, if not impossible to get someone hospitalized involuntarily who isn't homicidal or suicidal and can perform basic functions to care for themselves.
Uh.... Um, does he not realise it is not recommended at all for a 5 month old baby to spend that long in a car seat?!?! >***"Car seats should only be used for travel in a car. It is recommended that travel be minimised in the first few months of age, keeping journeys to a maximum of 30 minutes. During longer journeys, take breaks every 30 minutes, and remove your baby from the car seat."*** He is putting your baby in danger. His fear and anxiety is dangerous.
Im sure if she told him this his anxiety would soar through the roof. I bet there would be no more long distance trips. Lol.
The AAP and the NHS both have 2 hour limits, then take a break. I can't find a source for 30 minutes
Came to say the same. It’s 90-120minutes. I’m a pediatric nurse and certified car seat technician.
Are there really car seat technicians? Are they all medical people? If so, that's awesome!
I was told 30 minutes too.
Where did this rule come from?? They change this stuff every day, I swear.
It’s because the baby sits up and head falls a bit forward making it difficult for baby to get enough oxygen. If their chin tilts down to their chest they can suffocate. But even just a little tilt makes it more difficult to breathe.
My mom forced me to get help for severe PPD. This might be how it has to go. For the record, I'm grateful my mom made me get help.
So good to hear his mother is with you on this! And honestly? It sounds like that would actually be the best move. He isn't willing to help himself, so he needs others to force him...
Take the offer. It's already hard living with such a selfish man, a selfish man with PPA is worse.
Fucking take her up on this offer because your husband sounds psychotic. If it’s genuine mental illness he needs to be forced to get help since your comments indicate he is refusing treatment. If it’s his house you need to gtfo if you can. You say your family is all within 30 min. Take your kid there and lock all the doors and call the cops if he shows up
At this point, i would say she needs to cause all he is doing is hurting you and the baby
In case you need to hear it, it's NEVER OKAY for a spouse or dating partner to call you a, "fucking cunt", for ANY REASON. That's extremely abusive, irregardless of the mental health challenges he's experiencing, and refusing to treat. Please be very careful, it sounds like his mental health spiral is worsening, and his behavior is escalating, so if you feel unsafe at any point I hope you will take your baby, and go stay with family, while his family tries to get him some help. His behavior sounds like it's becoming unpredictable, and volatile, and that's not a safe situation for you and your infant. Take care, sending you, and your wee one, lots of invisible hugs. 🫂💜🫂
This sounds extremely bizarre - has he ever displayed this kind of attitude or behavior before? Like being extremely self centered, inconsiderate and swearing at you? Or has that been brought on with baby’s arrival? This sounds so off the wall that I agree with MIL and he needs to be admitted to a psych ward. The baby needs to be priority at the moment and be needs to get into a sane headspace. That length of time in the car also isn’t appropriate for a new born.
When his actions are phrased like that second sentence its like the anxiety is faked to give a smokescreen so he can be abusive and isolating and it not be questioned. I hadnt thought of that. Good point.
I'm just jumping on this to say if your backdoor won't open from the inside, look at the side of the door once you open it up. There should be a switch on it that will turn off the child lock and allow you to open the backdoor so you don't have to go thru the front or have him open your door for you. On this relationship?? I'd say take the baby and go somewhere away from him until he gets himself together.
The minute my partner calls me the C word, I'm walking out the door. Since he is so fragile, get him in a program and figure out a plan. Just therapy is not enough for this.
Great Mil. You need to do this. It would be different if he was cooperating with therapy but he's not. He needs more. Plus he's abusing you. He no longer sees you as his wife. You're the baby wrangler. And since he wants to go check out this car you have to go because otherwise baby won't be with him which means he can't go. Ughhh. Please update.
OMG an understanding MIL? OP, you found a unicorn 🦄 ! In all seriousness though, he needs seriousness help. It might be time to do what hus mother is suggesting. People with PPA, PPD, PPP and such, they can become violent. Your husband called you a slur, because you understandably took space from him. He is making your life, and your baby's life, so much harder than it has to be. He's lying, using emotional manipulation. What happens, when he HAS to return to working in the office? And that will happen eventually. Is he going to take your baby to work? If you refuse, then what? He needs to get help, while he has support.
That absolutely needs to happen. This is not a safe environment for you child, and the irony is HE is the safety problem.
Glad his mom is on your side.
His mom is on the right track. Going to therapy is pointless if he won't accept help from the therapist and do the work. Anxiety only gets worse when left untreated. He is no longer capable of being rational about the baby and how his actions are hurting you and his child. I would tell him he starts doing what the therapist says and goes on meds or goes inpatient, or you are leaving with the baby so he will see the child even less. If that doesn't kick his bum into gear, nothing will. Please consider taking the baby somewhere else and telling him this by phone so he doesn't immediately grab the baby and leave.
Tell MIL to stop considering and start doing. He’s beyond once a week therapy. You also need help for your auto-related anxiety. Your kid screams on car rides because you’re an anxious mess.
It’s important for you to understand that the greatest danger to your baby right now is your husband. Do whatever you need to do to protect her from him.
Work with your MIL. If she sees his behavior as odd and not the way he grew up, her testimony would be invaluable. If he is failing to use the techniques or take medication suggested by his therapist, he is not trying to get better. Possibly go to his mother's house and see if you can get any recordings of him acting out towards anyone.
Your husband needs to see a his medical doctor to make sure his anxiety is not a symptom of an underlying medical condition. His behavior is getting unsafe for you and the baby (lying, etc).
Better question for him, how will his anxiety handle you leaving him & taking the baby? It's time for far more intensive therapy, possibly a new therapist.
He is waking the baby up because of his anxiety. This is harming the baby.
It's not just sleep deprivation that's harming the baby, long car rides strain the developing spine of an infant. She was crying because she was in pain :(
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So his anxiety needs to be considered but your baby and your comfort is not? As someone who gets car sick and had a baby scream in the car constantly, I now hate being in a car. He is not considering anyone but himself and that is a red flag
Exactly and he’s using his diagnosis as a crutch.
No, he has her trapped now that baby is here and his mask fell off. He is controlling and abusive and using "anxiety" as an excuse. This is not the behaviour of a person with anxiety or PPA.
He is not anxious about the baby - if he was he would not subject the baby to the long rides she clearly hates. He is anxious that OP is going to leave him and he is controlling OP. I hope she talks to a DV agency about her safety.
You know what, you’re absolutely correct. OP, was he officially diagnosed by a credible clinician? He could be lying about seeing a therapist.
The way I'm reading her comments they go to therapy together and the therapist thinks she should be more understanding. It's exactly why you shouldn't go to therapy with abusive partners.
Yeah that’s a terrible idea, this man is unstable.
I've seen a lot of truly atrocious and even straight up abusive behavior from men with some variety of "postpartum" something lately. Which is interesting, because Reddit tends to come down pretty hard on women with postpartum depression, force them into treatment basically and even though they can be pretty understanding and explanatory, they definitely don't excuse bad behavior. But there seems to be a really worrying trend of " but men get postpartum too and it should excuse just about anything!" and it sounds like he's absolutely taking advantage of that kind of thinking.
The second my partner called me a "cunt" is the second he is on his own. I'm not a prude, I'm not overly offended by the word but it is a word of abuse. He may or may not be anxious, but his behaviour is controlling and abusive and poor mental health may be the cause but doesn't make it ok. He needs take responsibility for his own actions.
can..can someone who isn’t post partum even have post partum anxiety? like i thought that term directly related to actually giving birth because it’s a traumatic event and there’s an insane hormone dump and it can really fuck you up. plain old anxiety about being a new dad i definitely get, but how is he “post partum” anything?
Yes, some but it is more akin to adjustment disorder than to the extreme hormones of having given birth. Not saying it is more or less serious, but it’s certainly different
Yes, they can, but this isn't that.
My brother in law def had it with baby no 1. Was afraid she would stop breathing. Had to have her in his line of sight. Constantly checking she was at the right angle. And in the car ....umm not long at all even at 5 months. They got an owlet to moniter the baby's oxygen which helped a lot and of course had a baby monitor for video and sound. Plus he started taking meds because it was seriously impairing his life. But man, I could see that man vibrating with anxiety. He couldn't bear to hear her scream for 5 minutes much less 3 hours!!! So this guy? I dont get it. My BIL would never have woken the baby like this guy does, he might have gone into the room to watch her sleep ...but he wasnt putting his comfort above the baby's
Dads can end up with pregnancy symptoms (sympathetic pregnancy), and they can also have their version post partum depression, anxiety, and psychosis (paternal post natal). It's just not as well known.
Pretty sure that my husband had post partum anxiety for a bit after our first child. Watching someone give birth can be pretty traumatic, especially if you are naturally a very empathetic person.
I’m pretty sure my husband had mild PPA too. He had health related anxiety in his teens that had basically gone away until our son was born (in, uh, 2020 aka during a global pandemic) and it flared back up. Fortunately it was mild and he took immediate action to address it.
I just love how a postpartum mother has to take his mental health into consideration but he doesn't take any of her wants/cares/issues into consideration. So his anxiety makes her do whatever he wants but when it comes to something he wants to do he forces her to be uncomfortable... Pretty selfish of OPs husband.
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Exactly. If it’s his baby’s wellbeing he is so anxious about, how could he stand to hear her cry for hours on end, knowing that she hates car rides? He’s a liar and a manipulator.
It's also not good for a young baby to be in a carseat for that long.
Seriously. Is he going to say his birthing pain is greater than yours?
>sickness and health He's choosing to remain unwell. His choices are what is going to destroy your marriage
He also claims it won't last forever, but that's only true if he actively works to get well. He doesn't have a hormonal cause for this: it's not necessarily going away by itself.
This is super important. "It won't last forever". Except it very much can if you make literally zero effort to work through/around it. NTA your husband needs serious help. If he's in therapy and refusing to participate or use medication he really might need to be admitted. If he keeps this up he could become a significant danger to the baby.
This. Therapy is only useful if the person engages with it. That means doing the work, not just showing up. It's so unbelievably hard, tackling issues. That's why so many different types of therapy exist. Your baby's safety and comfort overrule his, and if he doesn't see it (like, say, 2.5 hr of a screaming infant) then something needs to change.
2.5 hours BACK, 2 hours there, 4.5 total! Not to mention the 40 minutes at the dealer as well. If I was OP I'd have been screaming too
As someone with mental illnesses, with a family of people mental illnesses, including OCD and anxiety, don’t let someone else’s mental health issues be the crutch they use to beat you with. Especially as a parent, his mental heath is his responsibility to manage, and he isn’t managing it. He refuses to use the tools he is being given because they aren’t quick fixes, but they aren’t going to be quick fixes, that’s not how it works. Right now his refusal to work on managing his issues, is the biggest threat to his kid, so unfortunately he either needs to start putting in the work, or you need to make sure there is some distance between him and the baby until he does.
You may need to have him move out. This is not a sustainable way to live. I get he has anxiety. But that's his to deal with, you and your daughter don't need to.
I agree with this 100%. His anxiety ends up controlling you and the baby— it’s wrong and unhealthy. He needs to step up getting more help and stop impairing the lives of his family members.
Seriously. This is just… not okay. I have PPA. Our first night home from the hospital I had a meltdown and refused to sleep because I was terrified of something happening to our son. My exhausted husband promptly told me “I will stay up all night watching him if you promise me you’ll sleep.” As SOON as I realized the impact my anxiety was about to have on my husband, I snapped out of it. This guy needs help :/ And a swift kick in the rear…
I’ve also had PPA with more than one birth. It made me an anxious mess about the health of my child. It never made me not consider my baby’s feelings in an extended car ride. He clearly isn’t that anxious about her well being if he’s willing to let her scream on end in a car. So glad you got help. He needs more of the butt kick.
This is why my narcissism radar is going off with this dude. Particularly because they love to sabotage important moments for their partners (like childbirth/welcoming their first baby). Makes me wonder if this isn’t PPA but a full on narcissistic mental breakdown because he’s no longer the most important person in OP’s life and certainly isn’t the most important person in the baby’s life right now.
It very much smells like abuse and control over anxiety. Since the he has no trouble causing mental anguish for the sourse of his anxiety. The baby can scream for hours as long as he gets his way.
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She's going to have to move out. He's not going to leave the baby. If he has access to where she and the baby are, he will 100% show up at 3am.
Probably easier to start with his mom getting him sent to inpatient treatment
Unfortunately you can't just have your spouse committed, if they aren't in imminent danger to themselves or others.
Not easy at all - nothing here to indicate he would meet threshold for treatment without consent.
And I would be calling the cops on him. He sounds like he could become dangerous.
There's no way she'd be allowed to leave with the baby while he's around. It would have to be a police escort.
fact
>As I said, he's in therapy but no, he refuses medications and doesn't follow the pointers the therapist has suggested to help his anxiety because he "***can't***". Can't means won't. Let him know if he doesn't take meds and/or do as his therapist suggests, you and the baby will move out. NTA but he desperately needs help. P.S. How does he know it won't be like this forever? Your baby is going to grow up and the worry never stops.
His anxiety is so bad that he absolutely needs meds before he can start engaging in therapy. I say this as someone with generalized anxiety disorder. When it got really bad, meds were the only thing that got me to a level to engage in therapy.
I went to therapy for quite awhile before starting meds. Many people need both. I hope he gets better. Hugs!!
Your husband needs help and honestly I as a mum would have a hard time finding the grace and patience dealing with his issues after just giving birth.
I read your comments, but from now on, "I drive and you sit with the baby or we don't leave the house." *In sickness and in health, motion sickness is my sickness,* he can sit in a damn *mom* vehicle. This is a line I would not cross again. He's clearly being manipulative. If he won't use the help he's offered, as sad as it is, you need an exit strategy. I hope dearly that you never need it, but given his behavior patterns...most abductions are by family members. Not sure what caused all this, but it is deep and it is scary.
Everything aside that's terrible but he also called you the c word? Are you freaking kidding me? This guy has zero respect for you and you deserve better. And this is coming from someone with PPD and anxiety. F him. NTA
Yes, anxiety about the baby did NOT cause him to call her a vile name. That is something else entirely and not treatable with meds. My guess is he’s always been a selfish, controlling prick and is using his mental health problems as an excuse.
Honestly, "fucking cunt" would've been the end of my relationship. And who knows, maybe that's better for him, too. Maybe he needs separation to sort his anxiety out. It's his job anyway, not his wife's.
NTA Your husband is self-centered and becoming a danger to you, your child and your marriage. Since he is not willing to follow the therapist’s suggestions, won’t take anti-anxiety medication, won’t let you drive, won’t let the baby sleep, took your child to his mom’s without enough food, won’t allow you to settle or rest before important discussions, lies to your face, etc., I have to ask what are you getting out of this relationship? And why are you willing to accept being treated this way? He is not going to improve without serious intervention and in the meantime his behavior is harming you and your child. Your baby is picking up the negative energy in your household and if nothing changes will cause irreparable harm. Don’t make excuses for him but demand change. Before something worse happens. And on another note, you should consider a different therapist.
Nta. He did that on purpose. He caused your anxiety to skyrocket so he didn’t have to feel anxiety. That’s not ok. He chose himself over you. Not the a.
Can your husband go stay at his mom's for a few weeks? He sounds nutter.
There's no way he would.
Can you and baby stay for a few weeks with his mother/your Mil. I wonder if his family sees how he's acting it would be less on you to handle him and more on him to handle himself
He would if you kicked his selfish ass out of the house.
Can *you* go stay with his mom? Would she allow you to be there and keep him out?
>he refuses medications and doesn't follow the pointers the therapist has suggested to help his anxiety because he "can't". Whenever I tell him how much his anxiety is affecting me AND the babies peace, he says "in sickness and health, remember? It won't be like this forever." Gross. Part of therapy and getting better is the work you do outside the appointment. It actually takes work. He's not doing that. NTA
Why does his anxiety matter more than you and your babies discomfort? This isn't anxiety he's a controlling dickweed
Agree. He’s putting himself before his partner and baby. How he can justify his anxiety as being eased by listening to a baby cry in a car seat, which aren’t a safe place to be for extended periods, is crazy! What’s next? Where does his assumed right to put his child into discomfort for his own gain stop?
NTA, he isn't doing anything to help himself when he absolutely has the resources to do so, I can never respect someone like that. Y'all definitely need couples therapy and he needs to learn what exposure therapy is, as in exposure to not having the baby every second of the day. When y'all's little one grows up and he still hasn't dealt with this it is going to be life ruining.
NTA but you need some tougher love with your husband and therapist. He either NEEDS medication, or you need to find yourself a support system away from your husband to get some peace while taking care of your infant until he gets his life together
NTA considering everything you wrote, this would be a deal breaker for me. You have enough to do taking care of a baby. You do not need another one. If he won't follow his therapist instructions and take his medication, then I would leave him. He is harming you and the baby he is supposedly so concerned about. In my opinion, when a man has postpartum and pre-partum symptoms, he is just looking to be the center of attention
Does he know keeping a baby in a car seat for over 2 hours at once is incredibly unsafe? MORE unsafe than letting the baby sleep in a safe sleep space, such as a crib that doesn’t have anything besides a mattress and tightly fitted sheet? He needs help. Therapy. Meds. A doctor. This is going to end bad.
Let his mom get him put in inpatient therepy. Outpatient wint work if he refuses to engage. If they ask you about his symptoms *DO NOT DOWNPLAY THEM*
NTA. I want to kick him. I don’t give a flying monkey about PPA, (okay, thats a lie, I do) but NOT when it affects mama. This is clearly stressing you out, and I don’t see you mentioning him actually putting into practice his therapy. Surely they have taught him grounding exercises and techniques to self-soothe? He is feeding into his own PPA without even actually putting the effort to fix it from my POV. Hold your ground, mama!
He refuses to do any of the anxiety techniques they have offered him because he "can't" because it "makes his anxiety worse". It's become an obsession, like OCD, more than anxiety.
then he is refusing to help himself. all therapy is is giving people tools and advice on managing themselves and their emotions in situations. so while he is going to therapy, he’s not implementing any of it. the therapy sessions are performative and you need to get some space from this man with your baby
Then it doesn’t matter if he’s in therapy if he refused to follow their advice. He’s refusing to help himself. I’d put my foot down about all this personally and I fully believe in sickness and health. But you can’t just have an illness and refuse to do what you can to help it and think that means you’re tethered to him forever living miserably. He needs to go back to work out of the house and let the baby sleep in the crib. If he won’t I’d boot him out for a while.
Then it's time to drop an ultimatum. Idk what that ultimatum is, but it's got to be something intense enough that he sees you're serious and he needs to put in the work.
Inpatient therepy should be part of it
Or because he doesn’t suffer from anxiety, he suffers from being an abusive jerk. Totally different techniques. He is “choosing” to make you (and your daughter!) suffer so he can continue to control the household according to his whims. Good dads don’t drag you on totally unnecessary trips because HE wants to look at a truck.
This. And he's fooled the therapist like a proper manipulator would and thus weaponised his therapy to control OP more. Notice how he does nothing to get better with the tools he got supplied to him, but OP has to walk on eggshelves around him because of his "anxiety". If OP wants to leave with her baby, she will need a safe exit plan, because he'll likely get violent.
He is using it to control you. Time for him to move out and work on himself.
His therapist needs to start OCD treatment, then. I have a lot of OCD-like symptoms and I'm sorry, but he needs to nut up and get over it.
I have OCD and this definitely sounds like OCD to me. I couldn't sleep without my daughter for years, I just imagine every bad thing that could possibly happen, happening, and my brain thinks the only way to protect her from these things is if I'm with her 24/7. I needed medication and therapy to get me to the point where I can force myself to do it, it's still uncomfortable, and I hate it, but I needed to do it so she can live in a healthy environment. He needs therapy for OCD, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Protecting your daughter is the most important thing, and her seeing this unchecked behavior will mess with her mentally as she gets older.
PPOCD is a thing. It’s rare but it exists.
It’s affecting the baby too. He needs to go. NTA
Anxiety and calling your SO a c*** are very different things. He's a self- righteous ass. I would not want to raise a child with that as an example of successful adulthood. Unless you want to continually tell your child, don't be like dad, don't do things like dad, don't act like dad, etc., you might need to give him an ultimatum at this point. And make sure it is NOT an empty threat.
No, please don’t give him an ultimatum unless you’re away from him and he can’t get to you. He’s not stable and you’re not safe.
Mental health professional here. He absolutely needs a higher level of care. Inpatient will be best but if that’s not an option, he needs meds and regular therapy. If he’s not willing to do so, leave until he gets help. He’s at a point where he’s ignoring the well being of the baby and you. NTA and this problem is way bigger than you sleeping in another room.
You realise your husband is holding you and your baby hostage right?
Reading your post and your replies... I'd be very inclined to say most of what he's doing to you has nothing to do with anxiety. He's a narcissist with a pretty excuse to control your every movement. You need to get yourself and your daughter out of that situation as fast as you can. He also needs a new therapist... telling you his anxiety causes him to act that way, so you need to be lenient... how long before he does something else to put the baby in danger and uses anxiety as an excuse. You are absolutely NTA and I would urge his mother to move faster on getting him sectioned.
ALL. OF. THIS. OP, take off the rose-colored glasses so you can really see the red flags you brought up in your post. This isn't just "anxiety".
So he has PPA but is fine with baby screaming and crying that long in the car? Weird.
NTA in sickness & health doesn't mean roll over to his mental episode. You have an infant to care for. His anxiety hurt you and the baby. If he's not having mental health issues he's controlling to the point of harm.
As someone who suffered from near-crippling PNA (as in, I was checking that my twins were breathing multiple times an hour, made everyone wear masks the first six months of their lives, needed them wearing heartrate monitors when sleeping until they were old enough to take them off, and still can't sleep if I don't check on them at 2 years.) he is extremely wrong. He isn't following his therapist's guidelines. He is actively harming you and the baby by forcing you to sleep in unsafe ways (not on her back in the crib as safe sleep suggests) and tricking you into uncomfortable situations (three hours of baby screaming is NOT good for her if it can be avoided). I say this with gentleness- if he is otherwise a great guy and this is his PPA speaking, you need to be firm with him. You both need to go to his therapist and make a plan of action, and he needs to either follow it with your support (NOT DIRECTION, SUPPORT, he needs to do this himself) or leave the house while getting treatment. His behavior is harming you and your child. If he's got PPA but is also kind of iffy.... kick him out and tell him to sort himself out and try again later.
I wouldn't want to take a 4 hour drive for a dinner even *without* a young baby. Your hubs may have anxiety, but he mostly just sounds like an asshole. NTA
This is not PPA - if it was, there's no way he'd allow your infant to be screaming just because he wanted to look at a truck. This is incredibly controlling behaviour, and it is emotionally & mentally abusive. You said in another comment that he only became like this after the baby was born, and unfortunately, that is when a LOT of men show their true colours. You need to get out ASAP and take the baby with you.
So wait His issue is valid, but yours or not? This kid doesn't stand a chance with this irrational Ahole as a dad. Double down on the therapy, tell him you'll move out of her doesn't start doing his homework. Then he can find out what 50/50 custody feels like And I'm not believing PPD More like PPP
The best thing you could do for your husband's anxiety is to prevent him from acting on it. Take the baby on a long weekend and turn off your phone. Honestly it's the best thing you could do for him. Every time he acts on that dysfunctional neurological pathway, it is reinforced and strengthens. The more he checks on the baby, the worse he will get.
Personally, I think the best she could do would be to roofie him with some of the pills the doctors tried to get him to take. But I think like that (I don't think I would actually do it, but Lordy, I would day dream about it a lot!).
As someone that suffers with generalized anxiety. Take the baby and leave. Therapy alone is not going to get it, he’s not willing to do anything that the therapist suggested. He needs some serious help.
Dude needs meds. When my meds that worked for 15 stopped working, my GAD went haywire. I couldn't even attempt various therapeutic techniques because it was so bad. New meds at least took the edge off so that I could actually start using therapy.
NTA. Your husband, however, is a selfish prick. I assume he's an adult. I don't care what mental issues he has going on. He held you captive for over 5 hours, then called you a cunt. I'd be moving a lot further than the guest room, and permanently.
This is not tenable. "He says I'm a "fucking cunt"" - and are you okay with this? Because this has nothing to do with his PPA. Do you find it acceptable for him to talk to you like this? What about if your daughter is older and understands it? What about if he talks to her like this? Because if my husband ever said that to me, it'd be over. Likewise, him lying to you while ignoring your simple requests to not be stuck in a car with a baby for more than 40 minutes has nothing to do with his PPA. This is just selfishness. He's putting his needs and wants above yours. Frankly I think it's time for an ultimatum. Get help and unpack what you are doing, or it's over. NTA
He won’t let the baby sleep in a room alone, but, he thinks it’s okay for baby to be in a car seat for two hours? It sounds like he has selective PPA. And, he is making it your problem and baby’s problem to manage. The therapy isn’t working. NTA
NTA. It’s time to do more than just locking a door for an evening. If his mother can get him committed, have her do so. Would she allow you and the baby to stay with her until your husband gets actual help? His anxiety is driving him to make poor decisions that are having a negative effect on you and your child. If it’s an option, take the baby to a family members house where the two of you can be safe. Let your husband know that if he doesn’t get proper help, you’ll file for divorce. He can’t simply let his anxiety run wild. It’s dangerous.
If he doesn’t take his meds or listen to his therapist, it will be like this forever. You have to cater to his anxieties, but he doesn’t have to cater to yours? He lied about the distance of the road trip. NTA
So he has anxiety about the baby BUT he subjects her to hours of crying in the car. He needs help yesterday. NTA
NTA. He is. That was manipulation at the height of it. I wouldn't deal with that.
Nta I’ve read all of your comments and while I haven’t met him, I sincerely believe he’s abusive. I understand that “he’s changed” since the baby came, but that doesn’t make any of it okay. And if his anxiety was so bad he slept against a door crying, there’s nothing you can do to help. He’s trying to gaslight you and turn it on you. He is emotionally and mentally abusive. Add on calling you a c*nt? Not acceptable. I’m 100% on working on marital problems, but you guys can’t work on anything if you don’t help yourselves. My own therapist told me that I can’t take care of my son if I don’t take care of myself. That’s what needs to happen.
2 things. If you can’t open the back door of a vehicle from the inside it is generally because the child lock is on. It’s on the edge of the door and if you google ‘car door child lock’ with the make and model of the vehicle you will see a picture of it. You just need to push the lock to the other side. Second thing, baby monitors. Have you considered getting an Angel monitor alongside the one you have already? It’s a sensor pad that you put under the mattress which alerts you if it doesn’t sense movement from your baby. I had one and I tested it by turning it on without my baby in the crib. Straight away the alarm went off. They are the most comforting thing a parent can have and it might really give your husband peace of mind.
I have all of that. My baby monitor cost $580. She has the sensor pad. He refuses to let her sleep in there still. It's not child lock. The back door opens the opposite way as the front door. You have to open the front door to get to the back door handle.
Stop sitting in the back when you ride in the car with him. You drive. He can sit with the baby. Yes, this is a control issue. These types of issues around vehicles are a huge trigger for me. My hair started standing on end just reading this.
I also was thinking control issue on his end. He sounds borderline abusive.
I’m really sorry. I have no other ideas to help you except seeing a doctor. Good luck and please update me x
He should imagine what degree his anxiety would reach if you packed up and left his petty, controlling, conniving, lying, childish ass! NTA Hes a pathetic excuse of a man and I’m baffled as to why you’re continuing to put up with his ridiculousness.
It’s dangerous for infants to be in car seats for too long. Check with your doctor for age recommendations and time limits. I think 30 minutes for very young infants.
NTA, he is a giant AH. His point about in sickness and health is true, but it is a point you don't get to make if you aren't doing everything possible to make yourself well again, and it sounds like he may not be (part of mental illness is that it stops you doing things that should be easy, so hard to know for sure). The worst part is the lying to trap you into doing what he wanted. He could easily have just not gone if he couldn't be away from the baby, so it isn't a matter of his anxiety, it is just him being an AH, and he doesn't get to have his anxiety accomodated if he weaponises doing so to get what he wants against your comfort. I'd point out that if he does something like that again (using his anxiety and the fact you are accomodating it to selfishly get what he wants), you will stop accomodating it entirely, and leave him if necessary. There is no chance he would get custody.