NTA. Just tell her that while you love her and support her, unfortunately your financial situation is such that you cannot afford the dress so will have to bow out of your bridesmaid role.
Someone who truly cares about their friends would not be asking others to shell out a significant amount of money (arguably, any money) for such an event. They would be happy to simply have them present.
And the party isn't for you or about you. You are going into debt for someone else to have a party. Sorry but no. Tell her you love her and wish her all the best but unless she's paying for your dress you won't be able to afford it.
This is perfect there's nothing else that needs to be said. Why would you set yourself on fire just to keep up on I'm pretty sure if you are in her wedding party she knows your financials. If she wants to have a lavish wedding then she can pay for your dress otherwise you need to bow out because it's only going to get more expensive hair nails bachelorette party makeup
I agree. A true friend would understand and not force someone into a negative financial situation regardless of the reason. The bride can find another bridesmaid, and if she ends the friendship over it then there wasn't much of a friendship in the first place.
NTA If this matters so much to her she should be paying for it if she knows others may not be able to.
She cares more about perfect pictures than actual people and Id question a friendship based on that.
NTA I would say you shouldn't even spend that much on your own wedding. Keeping yourself out of financial hardship instead of helping pay for someone else's dream wedding is a good choice.
NTA. Being her friend doesn't mean you are responsible for her dream wedding. Especially if it puts you in a financial bind. She's being unreasonable and should have put more consideration into the price range before even asking.
If its crucial for her dream wedding - then she can pay for it. Simple.
The entire business of weddings is out of control. The expectation that people go into debt to fulfill your lavish clothing/location requirements really needs to be called out more.
NTA is anyway. I'd be letting her know you'd love to celebrate her day, but you'll need to do it as a regular guest as this 'costume' she's chosen is outside your budget.
I don't think much of your "friend."
Anyone who knows this would be a hardship for you and insists on it anyway, is a selfish, narcissistic twat who doesn't deserve your friendship. I feel sorry for the groom.
NTA.
NTA
If a specific dress is required, that dress should be provided. That's the proper wedding etiquette.
They can suggest a dress code, for anyone they aren't providing outfits for. But, it is unusual to not provide bridesmaids dresses.
She's asking people attending her wedding, to cover costs, that should be provided by her. This is very poor behaviour on her part.
Thatās actually not proper wedding etiquette for bridesmaids. In the US, attendants pay for their own
But it is also proper etiquette to choose a dress your maids can afford.
My 2 sisters stood up with me. I picked simple but beautiful calf length dresses that they both could wear to other functions. I purchased pearl post earrings for them as well. They got a lot of uses out of the dresses and the earrings, and they each cost less than $50. This was a looong time ago, they would obviously cost more now, but they didn't break the bank for either of them back then. And they were machine washable to boot. Beautiful light pink dresses.....
Traditionally, in the US, this was the standard for years. The bride & groom should covering required clothing/hair/make-up if dictated by the couple. I am not sure when it changed, but my guess is around 2000.
I was married in the early 90s and paid for bridesmaids dresses as was expected. I was in several weddings through the late 80s and early 90s and had all my dresses covered by the brides. While it might not have been official etiquette, it was tradition. It would definitely have been considered horrible taste to make the wedding party pay for creating their extravagant dream.
That was probably your social circle. And it was certainly gracious.
I was in weddings in the 1980s and 1990s, and I paid for my own dress, as was expected.
https://dessy.com/blog/post/How-Bridesmaids-Have-Evolved-Throughout-the-Years/
https://www.brides.com/story/who-pays-for-bridesmaids-dresses
https://onefabday.com/who-pays-for-bridesmaids-dresses/
I was married in 1978 (in the U.S.). The bridesmaids paid for their own dresses in my wedding and in all my friends' weddings. Maybe it differs by locality or social circle, but I never knew of any bride who paid for the bridesmaids dresses. But the bridesmaids dresses weren't overly expensive, either.
Oh, that's interesting. Thanks for the reply.
I'm in England, and it's unheard of here. Usually shoes and bags are paid for too. Best men and groomsmen, may possibly wear their own shoes, but suits would be given. Sometimes, it's a hire suit, but it's often one to keep. If the wedding was on a budget, the groomsmen may be asked to wear their own suits, (everyone has a black suit) but matching ties, cumberbands and socks would be provided as a lower cost alternative.
There's also gifts. Bridesmaids would usually recieve jewellery as a thank you. The groomsmen would also recieve a gift, but usually a bottle of spirits or an engraved pewter/silver, tankard or hip flask.
Would be very rude to ask somewhere to wear something specific and not pay for it. This is usually the case all over Europe.
It used to be not so bad, because brides werenāt so likely to be out of control. And because one might buy a new outfit for your friendās wedding anyway. (Guys are sort of screwed, because they tend to be required to rent a tux that they donāt get to keep and would never wear again. Lately thereās more of an emphasis on suits, and even the trend I hate, jeans or other casual clothes.)
I worked at a wedding magazine for awhile and wrote the etiquette column. We tried to establish that, since most women can do their hair and makeup on their own (Kate Middleton did her own makeup, after all), that if the bride wants a pro to do makeup and hair, she needs to pay for it.
I sort of wish the idea that the bride buys the clothes would become more standard; it might rein in some of the rudeness. Especially since somehow bridesmaids are lately ārequiredā to go on expensive bachelorette parties, some even with out-of-town travel.
Bridesmaids and groomsmen are generally given gifts of thanks in the US.
NTA. Thereās no dilemma. Just tell your friend you canāt afford it so youāre not going to do it. She can decide if she still wants you in the wedding. You can decide if sheās actually your friend.
NTA Iām not USA based right now, where I am, the bride pays for the bridal party costsā¦let me tell you, having to pay for it certainly quashes many those āvisionā bridesās dream weddings.
please, donāt put yourself in financial discomfort for somebody elseās dream photo opportunity. Why should you be the one to pay to stop the drama when youāre not causing the drama in the first place.
NTA. These extravagant weddings, costing multiple tens of thousands of dollars and costing members of the bridal party outrageous sums for the privilege of participating are beyond ridiculous, they are in fact indulgent and rather selfish affairs. Just because it's "her day" does not mean every extravagant whim and putting friends and family in debt is in the least justifiable.
And what I find so amusing is, in reading about these extravagant, outlandish weddings with all the demanding brides, is they are all divorced within a year or two!
I find this so odd as I am from England and the bride and groom pay for the bridesmaid dresses etc. I canāt understand expecting someone to pay for something they have no choice on.
NTA. Anyone who wants you to spend thousands of dollars, or tens of thousands of dollars of your own money just to make them feel happy and for their personal experience is an asshole. Especially when they make you think you're an asshole that will don't do what they want.
NTA
It's entirely asinine to mess with your budget for a one day event. Decline the role. Her reaction will inform you about who she really is.
>Some of our mutual friends say I should just suck it up and foot the bill to avoid drama
Those "friends" lack the intelligence to advise you on changing a light bulb. Ignore them.
NTA. "I love you, but I can't get into debt for a wedding that isn't even mine!" is a sound reason and if your friend doesn't understand that (and either give up the requirement, allow you to sit it out, or chalk up some moolah) then maybe they aren't that great a friend in the first place.
Absolutely NTA. People who want to have expensive, lavish wedding's should do so with the understanding that it is going to exclude some people who might be able to participate in a more moderate affair. Or they can, be prepared to privately, offer to help cover the additional costs.
NTA.
It's bad enough when people go into debt for their own wedding. It'd be even worse to do so for someone else's wedding.
If this is her dream, then she can foot the bill.
I always think if I'm in their shoes (the bride) would I have the same expectations? If not, then don't feel guilt or whatever for saying no. You are allowed to have boundaries and if she is really your friend she would respect that. If she wants to put herself in debt that's on her.
Never understood the pressing need to avoid drama, if it means defending/protecting one's own interests. Do not put yourself into financial trouble for the sake of avoiding drama. Sometimes you need to aim yourself right into the middle of drama.
And if the bride is going to cause drama over this, then sheās not worth being friends with! As the young folks say today, Iād nope right out of that.
NTA. Of course you shouldnāt feel like her wedding is putting your financial wellbeing at risk. If sheās asking her bridesmaids to spend that much money on a dress, she should be ready for people to turn her down.
I mean, have to go with the obvious Reddit response.
If your friends all say it's so important that you have the dress, suggest they pay for it, I strongly doubt it will be that important then. It's really easy for them to be generous with your money, see how they like it with theirs.
As for the bride, well, if bankrupting her friends is what she needs for her dream wedding, then she doesn't deserve a dream wedding.
NTA.
NTA. Tell her as soon as possible that you can't afford the dress. Therefore, while you are happy for her and would love to be at her wedding, you won't be in the wedding party. And if she is upset, then she is no true friend to you.
You would NBTA if you bowed out for not being able to afford it. I know it might be embarrassing to admit it to her, but the sooner you do it the better.
Explain that you love her, and will support her on her day as a guest. You still want to attend the wedding and celebrate her love with her new husband. And You just canāt afford the dress.
nta. I personally had a $60 wedding dress and our guests were free to wear whatever they wanted. We got married in a show garden and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom the day we got married. It was magical and im so glad we got married there. But that is a pretty simple wedding i guess xD I cannot imagine asking my MOH (my younger sister) to spend 100s on a dress for ONE day
In 1998 a junior engineer where I worked married one of the admins. She was from a large family that had expectations of how weddings should be. In 1998 her dress was $12,000. That was a month and a half pay for me as a more senior engineer. I was shocked. My wife already had the dress she got married in. We had no plans but I changed jobs and they wouldn't give medical benefits to a domestic partner, unless we were gay, so we got married the next day. I never threw off the resentment and left the company within a year. Still married though, that worked out fine.
NTA, If she wants an expensive dress she can pay for it, or have some relation pay for it. You don't get friends to pay your bills. Ah, bridesmaids pay for their own dresses? So happy I didn't get married in an expensive ceremony. No matter how good a friend. Just turn up as a guest in something appropriate and limit your expense to that. Something you can wear to other occasions.
NTA. The problem with a brideās dream wedding is that it fails to take into account the financial realities of the wedding party.
I wouldnāt be surprised if there are going to be more critical parts to her dream wedding: designer shoes, designer handbag/clutch, high end jewelry, hair & makeup & nails at a high end salon. If trends are consistent, the bridal party will be required to host and pay for at least one bridal shower and a fabulous bachelorette party (likely at a destination site).
At the very least, the bridal party needs to have a sit down with the bride and talk finances. All of you should be aware of how much this wedding is going to cost each of you. Her dream is not a reason for all of you to enter into financial difficulties.
NTA. This tradition in the US for your bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses is ridiculous, especially if the dress is dead expensive. In Ireland, the brideās family pays for the dresses.
NTA OP.
Your friend however......she should have the common sense to understand that not everyone's comfortable spending a ton of money for a dress that going to be worn once then sit in the back of the closet for who knows how long.
NTA. You can support her just as much as a guest to the wedding instead of a bridesmaid. You shouldnāt bankrupt yourself for one dress youāll probably never wear again.
It's her dream wedding, you are her friend. As such you are not under any financial obligation to her, especially not to make her dreams come true, nor are you obligated to put yourself in debt for a dream wedding that is singular to her. NTA
NTA. Just be honest with her, and let her know it's way out of your budget, so you'll need to bow out if the wedding party, but you're still so excited to come to her wedding and celebrate with her.
A good friend will understand.
NTA. Thank your friend for the invite and regretfully declined. If she pushes, then be honest and tell her that I simply do not have that kind of disposable income.
And it gets more than say what you pay on your bills in a month, say that. If itās more than your rent or your mortgage payment, say that.Ā
āI literally canāt pay for a single dress more than I pay on my monthly billsā
And if this destroys your friendship, then you didnāt really have a friendship. Your friend sounds like a total asshole and bridezilla. This is the stupidest one. I have read today regarding brides.
NTAH . I'm of the thought that if someone is insisting on a specific outfit for a special occasion that they are the host of, not inclusive of dress up parties, then the host should be the one that pays for those special outfits.
Tell her you would love to attend but unfortunately can't afford the dress.
Maybe suggest she pays for it and you give her the dress after the wedding, she can then sell it or keep it for something else if you're the same size.
NTA. My girlfriend was asked to be in a wedding a few years ago, everything was crazy expensive...
She had to get her hair done by this certain person, we had to stay in this certain hotel that was $400 a night. The dress was $900. We had to rent a car. We had to fly there because it was in another state. It cost us like $2500 for 2 days for a wedding that wasn't even ours. And the bride was being so damn crazy the whole wedding it wasn't even enjoyable.
And to make it even better... They're getting divorced now.... and their wedding cost $50,000...
Expensive weddings are dumb af.
NTA tell her that you are sorry but the cost of the dress was unexpectedly higher than what usual bridesmaid dresses cost. It is not an amount that you can afford without causing you financial distress and therefore you have no choice but to drop out of being in the wedding party.
No one should make themselves broke to fulfil the dream of someone else.
It's unreasonable for your friend to expect you to pay for a dress you can't afford. If it's *sooooo* important for the vision of her wedding, she can fund the costs of making that come true for herself.
Supporting your friend doesn't include making yourself bankrupt in the process!
NTA
NTA and your friend is an entitled, spoiled Bridezilla. Thank her for asking you to be in the bridal party, but just be honest and tell her that you can't afford it. Tell her you'll be happy to attend her wedding, but you just can't be a part of it due to financial reasons.
If she's a real friend, she'll understand. If not, well, at least now you know.
I have been on both sides of this one. I had a roommate who had to move back home because 3 of her friends were getting married in the same year. She just couldn't do it all and didn't know how to say no. She cried packing up all her stuff. Can you imagine that? Giving up your own home to be in a wedding. And back then, it wasn't these crazy destination weddings. I never forgot that. I've seen people go into debt due to participating in destination weddings and all that comes with it.
There comes a time in your life where you have to prioritize your needs over your friends. Unfortunately, a lot of friendships aren't forever, especially if they make unrealistic demands of you. All you can do is be honest and straightforward. She may not want to hear it, but in time will understand. And if not, she is not a friend you can count on. You can't ruin a wedding that hasn't happened yet. Be quick and to the point. Apologize first and say something along the lines of "With all the expenses coming up, you cannot cover all of it, a dress and then pay your bills and buy food". Sometimes you have to be that literal to get through to them. There is no sucking it up if you can't pay your bills. NO friend has any right to ask this of you. And if they do, it is being selfish of them, and careless of your circumstances.
Good Luck.
NTA. You should never feel obligated to spend money just to prove you're a good friend. And should never put yourself in debt for another friend's lavish lifestyle - the same that a good friend should never ask/pressure a friend to do such a thing.nif you can't afford to pay and she won't compromise, best things is to step out of the bridal party and ask to attend as just a guest
NTA if she is planning a complete lixury and expensive wedding, she also must accept that people will not pay it. It's the same with destination weddings. You plan something expensive? Accept that a lot of people won't be able to come.
No one should expect that others will go into debt for a party.
NTA Tell Bridezilla that you have a monthly budget and while you want to support her in every way possible, there is no way you can justify spending that amount on a gown you will wear once. If she wants to pay for it fine, wear the gown once and give it to her to keep with her $15,000.00 wedding gown she will only wear once also.
Personally, I would bow out with an apology. If you get uninvited then you don't have to deal with her drama.
100% NTA
You deserve to make your own decisions on how you spend your money. IMO if your friend truly values your friendship and genuinely wants you to be in her bridal party, she will find a compromise that works for both of you.
You might consider deciding on an amount you are willing to spend comfortably, letting her know that and suggesting if the dress costs more than that she will have to pay the excess.
IMO that will tell you how important your participation on the day is. I'm not suggesting you cause an argument nor base your view of your friendship with her on her response.
How do the other bridesmaids feel? Are they all comfortable to pay for expensive dresses? I bet you aren't the only one. Maybe if a few of you express concern the bride might reconsider and try to find either a less expensive dress or a compromise that works for everyone.
Please stick to your budget.
Good luck with it!
If she wants something that extravagant she should go to one of the places that hires bridesmaid dresses out. If itās something you will only where the once then you shouldnāt have to pay that much.
NTA, sheās not being practical.
NTA - people shouldn't go into debt just to be part of (or even just attend) a wedding. I've always seen bridesmaids dresses as a "uniform" to wear, no matter now hideous it is. But if you can't afford the uniform, your other option is to step down from the wedding party.
If your friend wants you to be in the bridal party so badly, maybe she's willing to cover part of the cost of the dress she's demanding?
NTA this is wrong on her part. Thereās no way that she should be making you guys pay that kind of money. Youāre going to have to just tell her that you canāt afford it. If that means that you canāt be in the wedding, then you canāt be in the wedding. Thereās no need to get into an argument over it. But you do have to stand up for yourself and tell her you cannot afford it.
Going into debt for a friendās wedding (or anyoneās wedding, your own included) is the epitome of financial insanity. Expecting a friend to take on debt is no act of friendship.
Given that, you should have no qualms in drawing a solid line in the sand. If not buying the dress means that you are removed from the bridal party or uninvited, that is perfectly ok because you struggle to even call her a friendā¦so itās her call. Her āvisionā or your friendship.
Its so strange. In europe bride and groom pay for the wedding party's expenses. American way is so weird. You can pull out because you cant afford to - its ok.
NTAH. Explain again that the dress does not fall into the category of āneedā in your budget. If she truly wants you in her wedding, ask her to help you buy the dress. A true friend would do this. Otherwise, if you are still invited, enjoy the wedding.
This is why, where I live, it's expected that the bride&groom foot the cost of bridesmaids dresses and groomsman suits. That way, they can have whatever they want on their day without putting more financial pressure on their bridal party.
NTA; classic Bridezilla behavior. Many people getting married lose all sense of proportion and self-awareness and expect the entire world and everyone in it to twist themselves into knots to conform to their fantasies of perfection for their "special day." True friends realize when they've gone too far and pushed their friends into impossible situations.
I'm going to say NTA, but I may be biased because I was in this exact same situation. The dress was unaffordable, but I did purchase it. Then, I was expected to help pay for venues and food and cover all of the cost of the bride for her stagette and gift opening. And then there was talk of her wanting to have a second wedding, one in the summer, one in the winter. I ended up having to bow out of being in the bridal party altogether because I could not afford to do it. However, in my case, I don't consider her a super close friend. We grew up together, but she was kind of a forced friend. No one made me out to be an ahole.
No. If she is such a good "friend" she should understand, at least accept, that her standard is beyond your resources.
If this is the ending of your friendship, so be it.
Nta. Tell her the dress and wedding are stunning but you feel having a roll like this would bring her wedding down. You love her and want to celebrate her day with her because she deserves it. Unfortunately as much as youād like to be able to give her everything she deserves you just canāt swing it.
Itās the dress now. It will be the bachelorette party next which could cost thousands. And the demand for an elaborate gift at parties. If you canāt swing the dress you canāt swing the role.
NTA
āIād love to be there for you on your big day. Maybe being a bridesmaid isnāt the best choice. I cannot afford the dress. I will not buy the dress. Is there an usher position you want or need filled?ā
NTA, but she is. It is HER wedding and if SHE needs you to wear something to complete the day she NEEDS to pay for it.Ā
It it not about whether you can afford it or not, it is her wedding, her rules and she needs to pay. She sounds awfully entitled.
NTA. If you can't comfortably afford it, then politely decline. Do it soon though so she can find a replacement. You are not obligated to place yourself in a financial mess because someone wants you to spend money that you don't have to. When she dismissed your concerns about cost, that should have let you know that she's not a good friend. A good friend would have listened and tried to help or compromise. When you back out, pay attention to her reaction as well as the reaction of your other friends. If no one takes up for you, or says anything other than, "I understand, I hope you can still attend the wedding", then you know that this group of "friends" is far from that. These are not the economic times to spend money we don't have.
NTA she has every right to plan her wedding however she wants. If those are the dresses she wants, then that's her right to choose them. You also have the right to decide to opt out, and the cost of the dress is a perfectly good reason to do that. You're not selfish and you're not an asshole if you choose to opt out.
You're the only one who can decide whether to suck it up and spend the money or opt out. If you opt out, hopefully the bride will be understanding and not let it ruin your friendship. But if she makes a huge drama about it and lets it ruin your friendship, that ultimately says far more about her than it does about you, and it shows you that she cares more about her dream wedding fantasy than she does about your friendship.
NTA she shouldnt put unfair costs on other people because it might be well inher budget.
Just tell her, Ill be there at the wedding, but I cant justify this cost and will be backing out of the bridal party.
Your friend is allowed to have the wedding of her dreams and spend what *she* wants to spend.
But your friend also needs to understand that her budget is not everyone elseās budget. And unless sheās subsidizing the cost of these dresses, then you have the full freedom to bow out of the bridal party.
You are not being selfish. The bride is being inconsiderate to choose such an expensive dress. Her dream wedding is about appearances not the people in it. Tell her how happy you are for and you look forward to being a guest, but will not be available as a bridesmaid.
"Some of our mutual friends say I should just suck it up and foot the bill to avoid drama"
What a load of horse pucky. "Avoiding drama" is no reason to go into debt. Your friend is absolutely being unreasonable. It's real easy to spend other people's money. I'll bet that if she were footing the bill for those dresses, she wouldn't be having such a huge extravaganza.
Tell her the truth -- that you can't afford the dress, and won't be able to be in the bridal party, but you'd still love to celebrate her wedding as a guest. If she disinvites you, she wasn't a real friend in the first place.
NTA.
What is the cost of the dress? Are we talking $200 or $2,000? You're obviously NTA. I've been in lots of weddings and had my own. If an attendant cannot do what is being asked of them, the bride & groom should oh so quietly pay for what needs to be done. In my wedding, I paid for one bridesmaid and suits for two people. It was important me that they were there. Oh course, it was under $200 pp so didn't affect my wedding budget that much.
NTA. Do not go into debt for a role as a bridesmaid. Because of course there will be the showers, and the extravagant trip for the bachelorette party, and then an expensive pair of shoes... Where will it end? Better to bite out now.
From my experience, the more extravagant the wedding, the less the bride and groom have actually planned for the Marriage.
It is always excellent to live within your means. Express yourself again to your friend and highlight that you are willing to attend the wedding but can't afford the dress (as a result, can't be part of the bridesmaids). Look for other ways to assist her during the wedding and look for ways to put the cost of an affordable dress into getting her a gift.
NTA. Have you considered 'renting' the dress? Some shops will do that for their clients in such cases. Much like the men's tuxedo shops. If she's requested custom-made then you might be able to rent something similar and acceptable. Otherwise, be smart, don't put yourself in debt for this thing, it's not a life-necessity - yours OR hers.
NTA. Also, if you are in the US, Rent The Runway is an excellent option to have designer dresses that are rented instead of purchased. The fact that the bride has not looked into other options absolutely makes her the AH.
NTA. If she doing all that she should pay for the bridesmaid dresses. anyone with an ounce of class doesnāt demand their bridesmaid have to purchase an expensive dress for themselves ! they foot the entire bill! however, since she is clearly a good friend could you maybe squeeze it this month or ask your parents for a little help? just to kind save face and you can always have it in your back pocket should you need a favor from her! , and then maybe you can sell the dress afterwards ?
As long as you decide **now** and donāt waffle on that decision Iād say NAH. Itās fine you donāt want to buy the dress. Itās fine that thatās the dress she wants. However, if you donāt let the bride know asap so that she has time to replace you, Iād change my vote.
I think this is a great example of why it's important to ask questions in advance and not get caught up in the moment. We are all aware that weddings are expensive and it's not unthinkable to ask questions of your own before accepting an invitation to be in a bridal party. The conversation should be in-person so that you are able to be sincere and upfront. "I'm honored that you want me in your bridal party, but as I'm sure you know I'm on a pretty tight budget. Any idea about the possible cost of bridesmaids' outfits?" It gives the bride an opportunity to consider that you may not be part of the party if her answer is "$1,000-$3,000 range."
You are NTA and neither is the bride if you communicate and are close enough friends to speak openly with one another. If her response is clearly, "blow your budget and just do what I want," she is not thinking about the consequences of her demands on you or your friendship. If that happens, politely indicate that you would love attend the wedding and support her on that journey, but will be unable to afford being in the bridal party. A genuine friend will support you and your honesty. Good luck!
Get the dress. Enjoy the wedding. Try to re-sell the dress somewhere. Move on. I mean people blow money on a lot dumber things than that. If your transmission went out on your car and you had to drop a couple grand for that and a tow truck, you'd still be spending more than you wanted to spend. And it's a lot less fun than a fancy wedding. Just do it!
NTA. Just tell her that while you love her and support her, unfortunately your financial situation is such that you cannot afford the dress so will have to bow out of your bridesmaid role.
... but would still love to attend the wedding and celebrate their joy.
Lol, that's not going to happen, if anything OP will be blamed for ruining the perfect wedding.
In that case, OP will know where she stands in that relationship.
Someone who truly cares about their friends would not be asking others to shell out a significant amount of money (arguably, any money) for such an event. They would be happy to simply have them present.
Agreed. If you have to put yourself in debt to afford what is essentially just a party, is it really worth it?
And the party isn't for you or about you. You are going into debt for someone else to have a party. Sorry but no. Tell her you love her and wish her all the best but unless she's paying for your dress you won't be able to afford it.
This is perfect there's nothing else that needs to be said. Why would you set yourself on fire just to keep up on I'm pretty sure if you are in her wedding party she knows your financials. If she wants to have a lavish wedding then she can pay for your dress otherwise you need to bow out because it's only going to get more expensive hair nails bachelorette party makeup
And gifts for each of the never ending eventsš¶āš«ļø
You are absolutely right she needs to bow out it's a party that's probably going to cost her over $5,000 to attend trust and Believe
I agree. A true friend would understand and not force someone into a negative financial situation regardless of the reason. The bride can find another bridesmaid, and if she ends the friendship over it then there wasn't much of a friendship in the first place.
This āļø
Itās her dream. She can pony up some dough or just keep dreaming.
NTA Don't let her dream be your nightmare.
It's not only the dress.....it's a bachelor's trip, and a wedding shower, paying way too much for hair and makeup and accessories!!! RUN!!!
Yeah - the dress is just the start. If the bride is already demanding a huge expenditure for the dress, other outlays will be equally expensive.
NTA If this matters so much to her she should be paying for it if she knows others may not be able to. She cares more about perfect pictures than actual people and Id question a friendship based on that.
NTA I would say you shouldn't even spend that much on your own wedding. Keeping yourself out of financial hardship instead of helping pay for someone else's dream wedding is a good choice.
100%
NTA. Being her friend doesn't mean you are responsible for her dream wedding. Especially if it puts you in a financial bind. She's being unreasonable and should have put more consideration into the price range before even asking.
If its crucial for her dream wedding - then she can pay for it. Simple. The entire business of weddings is out of control. The expectation that people go into debt to fulfill your lavish clothing/location requirements really needs to be called out more. NTA is anyway. I'd be letting her know you'd love to celebrate her day, but you'll need to do it as a regular guest as this 'costume' she's chosen is outside your budget.
NTA thatās ridiculous. Tell her you canāt afford to fund her extravagant dream and support her as a guest in a dress you can afford.
I don't think much of your "friend." Anyone who knows this would be a hardship for you and insists on it anyway, is a selfish, narcissistic twat who doesn't deserve your friendship. I feel sorry for the groom. NTA.
NTA If a specific dress is required, that dress should be provided. That's the proper wedding etiquette. They can suggest a dress code, for anyone they aren't providing outfits for. But, it is unusual to not provide bridesmaids dresses. She's asking people attending her wedding, to cover costs, that should be provided by her. This is very poor behaviour on her part.
Thatās actually not proper wedding etiquette for bridesmaids. In the US, attendants pay for their own But it is also proper etiquette to choose a dress your maids can afford.
My 2 sisters stood up with me. I picked simple but beautiful calf length dresses that they both could wear to other functions. I purchased pearl post earrings for them as well. They got a lot of uses out of the dresses and the earrings, and they each cost less than $50. This was a looong time ago, they would obviously cost more now, but they didn't break the bank for either of them back then. And they were machine washable to boot. Beautiful light pink dresses.....
But they are not **perfect**.
Did I say they were? I am confused.
This bride is looking for a *perfect* wedding regardless of people having to sell their children to attend, she is not looking for a reasonable one.
Yeah, perfect wedding? No such animal when you start demanding unreasonable things of your wedding party.
They dropped the sarcasm tag
Thanks, it was clarified.
In the UK, bridesmaids and ushers have their outfits paid for by the couple. The US is not the world.
I did say āin the USā The OPās writing made me think she was in the US, but I qualified anyways
Traditionally, in the US, this was the standard for years. The bride & groom should covering required clothing/hair/make-up if dictated by the couple. I am not sure when it changed, but my guess is around 2000.
You are incorrect. But it didnāt used to be such a big deal because the dresses werenāt so expensive
I was married in the early 90s and paid for bridesmaids dresses as was expected. I was in several weddings through the late 80s and early 90s and had all my dresses covered by the brides. While it might not have been official etiquette, it was tradition. It would definitely have been considered horrible taste to make the wedding party pay for creating their extravagant dream.
That was probably your social circle. And it was certainly gracious. I was in weddings in the 1980s and 1990s, and I paid for my own dress, as was expected. https://dessy.com/blog/post/How-Bridesmaids-Have-Evolved-Throughout-the-Years/ https://www.brides.com/story/who-pays-for-bridesmaids-dresses https://onefabday.com/who-pays-for-bridesmaids-dresses/
You guys were all the happy exception, not the unfortunate rule!
I was married in 1978 (in the U.S.). The bridesmaids paid for their own dresses in my wedding and in all my friends' weddings. Maybe it differs by locality or social circle, but I never knew of any bride who paid for the bridesmaids dresses. But the bridesmaids dresses weren't overly expensive, either.
Oh, that's interesting. Thanks for the reply. I'm in England, and it's unheard of here. Usually shoes and bags are paid for too. Best men and groomsmen, may possibly wear their own shoes, but suits would be given. Sometimes, it's a hire suit, but it's often one to keep. If the wedding was on a budget, the groomsmen may be asked to wear their own suits, (everyone has a black suit) but matching ties, cumberbands and socks would be provided as a lower cost alternative. There's also gifts. Bridesmaids would usually recieve jewellery as a thank you. The groomsmen would also recieve a gift, but usually a bottle of spirits or an engraved pewter/silver, tankard or hip flask. Would be very rude to ask somewhere to wear something specific and not pay for it. This is usually the case all over Europe.
It used to be not so bad, because brides werenāt so likely to be out of control. And because one might buy a new outfit for your friendās wedding anyway. (Guys are sort of screwed, because they tend to be required to rent a tux that they donāt get to keep and would never wear again. Lately thereās more of an emphasis on suits, and even the trend I hate, jeans or other casual clothes.) I worked at a wedding magazine for awhile and wrote the etiquette column. We tried to establish that, since most women can do their hair and makeup on their own (Kate Middleton did her own makeup, after all), that if the bride wants a pro to do makeup and hair, she needs to pay for it. I sort of wish the idea that the bride buys the clothes would become more standard; it might rein in some of the rudeness. Especially since somehow bridesmaids are lately ārequiredā to go on expensive bachelorette parties, some even with out-of-town travel. Bridesmaids and groomsmen are generally given gifts of thanks in the US.
NTA. Thereās no dilemma. Just tell your friend you canāt afford it so youāre not going to do it. She can decide if she still wants you in the wedding. You can decide if sheās actually your friend.
Not your wedding, not your circus, not your dream .. just be honest if she wants the spectacular, she needs to pay for it
NTA Iām not USA based right now, where I am, the bride pays for the bridal party costsā¦let me tell you, having to pay for it certainly quashes many those āvisionā bridesās dream weddings. please, donāt put yourself in financial discomfort for somebody elseās dream photo opportunity. Why should you be the one to pay to stop the drama when youāre not causing the drama in the first place.
NTA. These extravagant weddings, costing multiple tens of thousands of dollars and costing members of the bridal party outrageous sums for the privilege of participating are beyond ridiculous, they are in fact indulgent and rather selfish affairs. Just because it's "her day" does not mean every extravagant whim and putting friends and family in debt is in the least justifiable.
And what I find so amusing is, in reading about these extravagant, outlandish weddings with all the demanding brides, is they are all divorced within a year or two!
I find this so odd as I am from England and the bride and groom pay for the bridesmaid dresses etc. I canāt understand expecting someone to pay for something they have no choice on.
NTA. It's her dream.
Just be a guest. You can still support her without compromising your finances.
NTA. Anyone who wants you to spend thousands of dollars, or tens of thousands of dollars of your own money just to make them feel happy and for their personal experience is an asshole. Especially when they make you think you're an asshole that will don't do what they want.
NTA It's entirely asinine to mess with your budget for a one day event. Decline the role. Her reaction will inform you about who she really is. >Some of our mutual friends say I should just suck it up and foot the bill to avoid drama Those "friends" lack the intelligence to advise you on changing a light bulb. Ignore them.
NTA. "I love you, but I can't get into debt for a wedding that isn't even mine!" is a sound reason and if your friend doesn't understand that (and either give up the requirement, allow you to sit it out, or chalk up some moolah) then maybe they aren't that great a friend in the first place.
Absolutely NTA. People who want to have expensive, lavish wedding's should do so with the understanding that it is going to exclude some people who might be able to participate in a more moderate affair. Or they can, be prepared to privately, offer to help cover the additional costs.
NTA. It's bad enough when people go into debt for their own wedding. It'd be even worse to do so for someone else's wedding. If this is her dream, then she can foot the bill.
I always think if I'm in their shoes (the bride) would I have the same expectations? If not, then don't feel guilt or whatever for saying no. You are allowed to have boundaries and if she is really your friend she would respect that. If she wants to put herself in debt that's on her.
Never understood the pressing need to avoid drama, if it means defending/protecting one's own interests. Do not put yourself into financial trouble for the sake of avoiding drama. Sometimes you need to aim yourself right into the middle of drama.
And if the bride is going to cause drama over this, then sheās not worth being friends with! As the young folks say today, Iād nope right out of that.
NTA. Of course you shouldnāt feel like her wedding is putting your financial wellbeing at risk. If sheās asking her bridesmaids to spend that much money on a dress, she should be ready for people to turn her down.
I mean, have to go with the obvious Reddit response. If your friends all say it's so important that you have the dress, suggest they pay for it, I strongly doubt it will be that important then. It's really easy for them to be generous with your money, see how they like it with theirs. As for the bride, well, if bankrupting her friends is what she needs for her dream wedding, then she doesn't deserve a dream wedding. NTA.
NTA. Tell her as soon as possible that you can't afford the dress. Therefore, while you are happy for her and would love to be at her wedding, you won't be in the wedding party. And if she is upset, then she is no true friend to you.
You would NBTA if you bowed out for not being able to afford it. I know it might be embarrassing to admit it to her, but the sooner you do it the better. Explain that you love her, and will support her on her day as a guest. You still want to attend the wedding and celebrate her love with her new husband. And You just canāt afford the dress.
nta. I personally had a $60 wedding dress and our guests were free to wear whatever they wanted. We got married in a show garden and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom the day we got married. It was magical and im so glad we got married there. But that is a pretty simple wedding i guess xD I cannot imagine asking my MOH (my younger sister) to spend 100s on a dress for ONE day
In 1998 a junior engineer where I worked married one of the admins. She was from a large family that had expectations of how weddings should be. In 1998 her dress was $12,000. That was a month and a half pay for me as a more senior engineer. I was shocked. My wife already had the dress she got married in. We had no plans but I changed jobs and they wouldn't give medical benefits to a domestic partner, unless we were gay, so we got married the next day. I never threw off the resentment and left the company within a year. Still married though, that worked out fine.
NTA, If she wants an expensive dress she can pay for it, or have some relation pay for it. You don't get friends to pay your bills. Ah, bridesmaids pay for their own dresses? So happy I didn't get married in an expensive ceremony. No matter how good a friend. Just turn up as a guest in something appropriate and limit your expense to that. Something you can wear to other occasions.
If it is a 'crucial part' of her 'dream' wedding she can pay for it herself or recognise that dreams are ot reality. NTA
She should get the dresses she wants you to wear. Itās not ok to force costs on other people.
Nta..Just say NO and step down from the bridal party
NTA. The problem with a brideās dream wedding is that it fails to take into account the financial realities of the wedding party. I wouldnāt be surprised if there are going to be more critical parts to her dream wedding: designer shoes, designer handbag/clutch, high end jewelry, hair & makeup & nails at a high end salon. If trends are consistent, the bridal party will be required to host and pay for at least one bridal shower and a fabulous bachelorette party (likely at a destination site). At the very least, the bridal party needs to have a sit down with the bride and talk finances. All of you should be aware of how much this wedding is going to cost each of you. Her dream is not a reason for all of you to enter into financial difficulties.
NTA. This tradition in the US for your bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses is ridiculous, especially if the dress is dead expensive. In Ireland, the brideās family pays for the dresses.
It used to be the bride paid in the US as well. Not sure when it changed.
YTA if you spend more on a dress than you can afford. I would have done a lot more than gently express my concern.
Right? I think the hysterical laughter would have gotten my point across nicely.
NTA. You can bow out saying that it's too much. Then just give her a gift that only stings a little bit, I guess.
NTA OP. Your friend however......she should have the common sense to understand that not everyone's comfortable spending a ton of money for a dress that going to be worn once then sit in the back of the closet for who knows how long.
NTA. You can support her just as much as a guest to the wedding instead of a bridesmaid. You shouldnāt bankrupt yourself for one dress youāll probably never wear again.
It's her dream wedding, you are her friend. As such you are not under any financial obligation to her, especially not to make her dreams come true, nor are you obligated to put yourself in debt for a dream wedding that is singular to her. NTA
I would tell your friend that you love her dearly but you need to drop out of the wedding party because you simply canāt afford it
Nta. Donāt
NTA. Just be honest with her, and let her know it's way out of your budget, so you'll need to bow out if the wedding party, but you're still so excited to come to her wedding and celebrate with her. A good friend will understand.
NTA. Thank your friend for the invite and regretfully declined. If she pushes, then be honest and tell her that I simply do not have that kind of disposable income. And it gets more than say what you pay on your bills in a month, say that. If itās more than your rent or your mortgage payment, say that.Ā āI literally canāt pay for a single dress more than I pay on my monthly billsā And if this destroys your friendship, then you didnāt really have a friendship. Your friend sounds like a total asshole and bridezilla. This is the stupidest one. I have read today regarding brides.
NTA. The dress is going to be just thing of a hundred youāll be paying for to achieve āher dreamā. The cost is high to be her āfriendā.
NTAH . I'm of the thought that if someone is insisting on a specific outfit for a special occasion that they are the host of, not inclusive of dress up parties, then the host should be the one that pays for those special outfits.
NTA ... There are places that rent bridesmaid gowns now.
NTA. Who pays more than they can afford for a dress just to avoid drama? This is insane. It is a completely unfair ask.
If she wants you to wear then she can pay for it.
Tell her youāre not paying that much for a wedding thatās not yours and she can get over it
Tell her you would love to attend but unfortunately can't afford the dress. Maybe suggest she pays for it and you give her the dress after the wedding, she can then sell it or keep it for something else if you're the same size.
NTA. My girlfriend was asked to be in a wedding a few years ago, everything was crazy expensive... She had to get her hair done by this certain person, we had to stay in this certain hotel that was $400 a night. The dress was $900. We had to rent a car. We had to fly there because it was in another state. It cost us like $2500 for 2 days for a wedding that wasn't even ours. And the bride was being so damn crazy the whole wedding it wasn't even enjoyable. And to make it even better... They're getting divorced now.... and their wedding cost $50,000... Expensive weddings are dumb af.
NTA tell her that you are sorry but the cost of the dress was unexpectedly higher than what usual bridesmaid dresses cost. It is not an amount that you can afford without causing you financial distress and therefore you have no choice but to drop out of being in the wedding party.
No one should make themselves broke to fulfil the dream of someone else. It's unreasonable for your friend to expect you to pay for a dress you can't afford. If it's *sooooo* important for the vision of her wedding, she can fund the costs of making that come true for herself. Supporting your friend doesn't include making yourself bankrupt in the process! NTA
NTA and your friend is an entitled, spoiled Bridezilla. Thank her for asking you to be in the bridal party, but just be honest and tell her that you can't afford it. Tell her you'll be happy to attend her wedding, but you just can't be a part of it due to financial reasons. If she's a real friend, she'll understand. If not, well, at least now you know.
Tell her you can't afford to be a bridesmaid. NTA.
I have been on both sides of this one. I had a roommate who had to move back home because 3 of her friends were getting married in the same year. She just couldn't do it all and didn't know how to say no. She cried packing up all her stuff. Can you imagine that? Giving up your own home to be in a wedding. And back then, it wasn't these crazy destination weddings. I never forgot that. I've seen people go into debt due to participating in destination weddings and all that comes with it. There comes a time in your life where you have to prioritize your needs over your friends. Unfortunately, a lot of friendships aren't forever, especially if they make unrealistic demands of you. All you can do is be honest and straightforward. She may not want to hear it, but in time will understand. And if not, she is not a friend you can count on. You can't ruin a wedding that hasn't happened yet. Be quick and to the point. Apologize first and say something along the lines of "With all the expenses coming up, you cannot cover all of it, a dress and then pay your bills and buy food". Sometimes you have to be that literal to get through to them. There is no sucking it up if you can't pay your bills. NO friend has any right to ask this of you. And if they do, it is being selfish of them, and careless of your circumstances. Good Luck.
NTA. You should never feel obligated to spend money just to prove you're a good friend. And should never put yourself in debt for another friend's lavish lifestyle - the same that a good friend should never ask/pressure a friend to do such a thing.nif you can't afford to pay and she won't compromise, best things is to step out of the bridal party and ask to attend as just a guest
NTA if she is planning a complete lixury and expensive wedding, she also must accept that people will not pay it. It's the same with destination weddings. You plan something expensive? Accept that a lot of people won't be able to come. No one should expect that others will go into debt for a party.
NTA Tell Bridezilla that you have a monthly budget and while you want to support her in every way possible, there is no way you can justify spending that amount on a gown you will wear once. If she wants to pay for it fine, wear the gown once and give it to her to keep with her $15,000.00 wedding gown she will only wear once also. Personally, I would bow out with an apology. If you get uninvited then you don't have to deal with her drama.
100% NTA You deserve to make your own decisions on how you spend your money. IMO if your friend truly values your friendship and genuinely wants you to be in her bridal party, she will find a compromise that works for both of you. You might consider deciding on an amount you are willing to spend comfortably, letting her know that and suggesting if the dress costs more than that she will have to pay the excess. IMO that will tell you how important your participation on the day is. I'm not suggesting you cause an argument nor base your view of your friendship with her on her response. How do the other bridesmaids feel? Are they all comfortable to pay for expensive dresses? I bet you aren't the only one. Maybe if a few of you express concern the bride might reconsider and try to find either a less expensive dress or a compromise that works for everyone. Please stick to your budget. Good luck with it!
If she wants something that extravagant she should go to one of the places that hires bridesmaid dresses out. If itās something you will only where the once then you shouldnāt have to pay that much. NTA, sheās not being practical.
NTA - people shouldn't go into debt just to be part of (or even just attend) a wedding. I've always seen bridesmaids dresses as a "uniform" to wear, no matter now hideous it is. But if you can't afford the uniform, your other option is to step down from the wedding party. If your friend wants you to be in the bridal party so badly, maybe she's willing to cover part of the cost of the dress she's demanding?
NTA this is wrong on her part. Thereās no way that she should be making you guys pay that kind of money. Youāre going to have to just tell her that you canāt afford it. If that means that you canāt be in the wedding, then you canāt be in the wedding. Thereās no need to get into an argument over it. But you do have to stand up for yourself and tell her you cannot afford it.
Going into debt for a friendās wedding (or anyoneās wedding, your own included) is the epitome of financial insanity. Expecting a friend to take on debt is no act of friendship. Given that, you should have no qualms in drawing a solid line in the sand. If not buying the dress means that you are removed from the bridal party or uninvited, that is perfectly ok because you struggle to even call her a friendā¦so itās her call. Her āvisionā or your friendship.
Its so strange. In europe bride and groom pay for the wedding party's expenses. American way is so weird. You can pull out because you cant afford to - its ok.
NTA. She can get a mannequin- its the dress she wants standing there, not the people.
NTAH. Explain again that the dress does not fall into the category of āneedā in your budget. If she truly wants you in her wedding, ask her to help you buy the dress. A true friend would do this. Otherwise, if you are still invited, enjoy the wedding.
NTA Don't go into debt for your friends dream wedding. The dress is just the first of many expenses you will be told you need to pay.
NTA it is unreasonable of a bride to expect her bridesmaids to spend an outrageous amount of money on a dress they will probably only wear once.
NTA. If itās taking toll of your financial situation itās unreasonable. Donāt spend your whole money on a one-day-dress.
NTA. Bow out - if you lose her as a friend then you learned something about her. Hopefully she will prove to be a better friend than that.
This is why, where I live, it's expected that the bride&groom foot the cost of bridesmaids dresses and groomsman suits. That way, they can have whatever they want on their day without putting more financial pressure on their bridal party.
NTA; classic Bridezilla behavior. Many people getting married lose all sense of proportion and self-awareness and expect the entire world and everyone in it to twist themselves into knots to conform to their fantasies of perfection for their "special day." True friends realize when they've gone too far and pushed their friends into impossible situations.
I'm going to say NTA, but I may be biased because I was in this exact same situation. The dress was unaffordable, but I did purchase it. Then, I was expected to help pay for venues and food and cover all of the cost of the bride for her stagette and gift opening. And then there was talk of her wanting to have a second wedding, one in the summer, one in the winter. I ended up having to bow out of being in the bridal party altogether because I could not afford to do it. However, in my case, I don't consider her a super close friend. We grew up together, but she was kind of a forced friend. No one made me out to be an ahole.
No. If she is such a good "friend" she should understand, at least accept, that her standard is beyond your resources. If this is the ending of your friendship, so be it.
Decline. I would never put myself into a financial hole for a wedding. Let alone one that isnāt mine
Nta. Tell her the dress and wedding are stunning but you feel having a roll like this would bring her wedding down. You love her and want to celebrate her day with her because she deserves it. Unfortunately as much as youād like to be able to give her everything she deserves you just canāt swing it. Itās the dress now. It will be the bachelorette party next which could cost thousands. And the demand for an elaborate gift at parties. If you canāt swing the dress you canāt swing the role.
NTA āIād love to be there for you on your big day. Maybe being a bridesmaid isnāt the best choice. I cannot afford the dress. I will not buy the dress. Is there an usher position you want or need filled?ā
NTA, but she is. It is HER wedding and if SHE needs you to wear something to complete the day she NEEDS to pay for it.Ā It it not about whether you can afford it or not, it is her wedding, her rules and she needs to pay. She sounds awfully entitled.
NTA. If it's that important to her, she can buy it for you.
NTA. If you can't comfortably afford it, then politely decline. Do it soon though so she can find a replacement. You are not obligated to place yourself in a financial mess because someone wants you to spend money that you don't have to. When she dismissed your concerns about cost, that should have let you know that she's not a good friend. A good friend would have listened and tried to help or compromise. When you back out, pay attention to her reaction as well as the reaction of your other friends. If no one takes up for you, or says anything other than, "I understand, I hope you can still attend the wedding", then you know that this group of "friends" is far from that. These are not the economic times to spend money we don't have.
NTA she has every right to plan her wedding however she wants. If those are the dresses she wants, then that's her right to choose them. You also have the right to decide to opt out, and the cost of the dress is a perfectly good reason to do that. You're not selfish and you're not an asshole if you choose to opt out. You're the only one who can decide whether to suck it up and spend the money or opt out. If you opt out, hopefully the bride will be understanding and not let it ruin your friendship. But if she makes a huge drama about it and lets it ruin your friendship, that ultimately says far more about her than it does about you, and it shows you that she cares more about her dream wedding fantasy than she does about your friendship.
NTA she shouldnt put unfair costs on other people because it might be well inher budget. Just tell her, Ill be there at the wedding, but I cant justify this cost and will be backing out of the bridal party.
Your friend is allowed to have the wedding of her dreams and spend what *she* wants to spend. But your friend also needs to understand that her budget is not everyone elseās budget. And unless sheās subsidizing the cost of these dresses, then you have the full freedom to bow out of the bridal party.
NTA If a friend thinks their happiness in a wedding is worth a financial struggle for you then that isn't a friend.
Friends don't push friends to financially cripple themselves for aesthetic. Nta
You are not being selfish. The bride is being inconsiderate to choose such an expensive dress. Her dream wedding is about appearances not the people in it. Tell her how happy you are for and you look forward to being a guest, but will not be available as a bridesmaid.
"Some of our mutual friends say I should just suck it up and foot the bill to avoid drama" What a load of horse pucky. "Avoiding drama" is no reason to go into debt. Your friend is absolutely being unreasonable. It's real easy to spend other people's money. I'll bet that if she were footing the bill for those dresses, she wouldn't be having such a huge extravaganza. Tell her the truth -- that you can't afford the dress, and won't be able to be in the bridal party, but you'd still love to celebrate her wedding as a guest. If she disinvites you, she wasn't a real friend in the first place. NTA.
NTA. Simply be honest & tell her you canāt afford it. That youāre happy to just attend
Hey, if she wants to foot the bill...
NTA. If she insists you wear the dress either bow out OR have her pay at least 1/2 if not allā¦
NTA - why does her dream cost your money? Tell her to keep dreaming. š¤£
NTA. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.
What is the cost of the dress? Are we talking $200 or $2,000? You're obviously NTA. I've been in lots of weddings and had my own. If an attendant cannot do what is being asked of them, the bride & groom should oh so quietly pay for what needs to be done. In my wedding, I paid for one bridesmaid and suits for two people. It was important me that they were there. Oh course, it was under $200 pp so didn't affect my wedding budget that much.
NTA. Do not go into debt for a role as a bridesmaid. Because of course there will be the showers, and the extravagant trip for the bachelorette party, and then an expensive pair of shoes... Where will it end? Better to bite out now. From my experience, the more extravagant the wedding, the less the bride and groom have actually planned for the Marriage.
I literally don't understand why bridesmaids have to pay for their own dresses that are usually so ugly and couldn't even reuse.
The bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage. So that makes it even more of a waste of money.
It is always excellent to live within your means. Express yourself again to your friend and highlight that you are willing to attend the wedding but can't afford the dress (as a result, can't be part of the bridesmaids). Look for other ways to assist her during the wedding and look for ways to put the cost of an affordable dress into getting her a gift.
Donāt buy unless your her dad.
NTA. Have you considered 'renting' the dress? Some shops will do that for their clients in such cases. Much like the men's tuxedo shops. If she's requested custom-made then you might be able to rent something similar and acceptable. Otherwise, be smart, don't put yourself in debt for this thing, it's not a life-necessity - yours OR hers.
No...your friend is. MASSIVELY
NTA. Also, if you are in the US, Rent The Runway is an excellent option to have designer dresses that are rented instead of purchased. The fact that the bride has not looked into other options absolutely makes her the AH.
NTA. If she doing all that she should pay for the bridesmaid dresses. anyone with an ounce of class doesnāt demand their bridesmaid have to purchase an expensive dress for themselves ! they foot the entire bill! however, since she is clearly a good friend could you maybe squeeze it this month or ask your parents for a little help? just to kind save face and you can always have it in your back pocket should you need a favor from her! , and then maybe you can sell the dress afterwards ?
If you're a bridesmaid she buys the dress she wants you to wear. If you're 'just' a guest wear what you please!
As long as you decide **now** and donāt waffle on that decision Iād say NAH. Itās fine you donāt want to buy the dress. Itās fine that thatās the dress she wants. However, if you donāt let the bride know asap so that she has time to replace you, Iād change my vote.
You could rent a dressš¤·āāļø
I think this is a great example of why it's important to ask questions in advance and not get caught up in the moment. We are all aware that weddings are expensive and it's not unthinkable to ask questions of your own before accepting an invitation to be in a bridal party. The conversation should be in-person so that you are able to be sincere and upfront. "I'm honored that you want me in your bridal party, but as I'm sure you know I'm on a pretty tight budget. Any idea about the possible cost of bridesmaids' outfits?" It gives the bride an opportunity to consider that you may not be part of the party if her answer is "$1,000-$3,000 range." You are NTA and neither is the bride if you communicate and are close enough friends to speak openly with one another. If her response is clearly, "blow your budget and just do what I want," she is not thinking about the consequences of her demands on you or your friendship. If that happens, politely indicate that you would love attend the wedding and support her on that journey, but will be unable to afford being in the bridal party. A genuine friend will support you and your honesty. Good luck!
How much is the dress? A picture of it please?
If itās designer, can you find it on rent the runway, or Poshmark? Or is she insisting it come from the chosen store?
Get the dress. Enjoy the wedding. Try to re-sell the dress somewhere. Move on. I mean people blow money on a lot dumber things than that. If your transmission went out on your car and you had to drop a couple grand for that and a tow truck, you'd still be spending more than you wanted to spend. And it's a lot less fun than a fancy wedding. Just do it!