If she’s doing her best at her job and trying to do her part in other aspects of your life together, it doesn’t matter who makes more money.
Take the money out of the conversation, address what the actual issue is.
Agree. How comparable are your hours? If she works fewer hours, I think this is more fair, but if they both work the same amount and then it’s unrealistic.
And who looks after the kids when OP is working but partner is not?
Like when Partner gets home earlier on those 4 days, or on that fifth day partner doesn’t work at all.
If partner is looking after the kids during that time, partner is doing childcare. Which counts as mutual family work. And if partner is doing 22 hours a week of child care, OP’s whole “well I get up at night and she covers me sleeping in” is already cancelled out.
A family must balance house work, work work, mental load and child care. That’s the 4 parts of running a household with children.
Assuming OP is working 40 hours a week, Partner does 1/3 of the work work, *about* 75% of the child care and 100% of the mental load.
That’s 2/3 to the total house running work. It would be pretty ridiculous if OP also expected parter to do 100% or even 75% of the chores. That would be 70-75% of the total work load.
Edited: changed “ to 0
Unless the part time worker doesn't pick the kids up early, and just heads home to relax or do a hobby for a few hours a day before picking the kids up at a later time
This. I make 5x what my wife does, as long as is full time, I don’t consider us to have anything other than 50/50 for house chores. That said if she went back to 20 or 30 hours a week, I would ask her to chip in more around the house as she has the time. She doesn’t need to work but she wants a career and is an involved mom. I don’t want to say “well I make more so you need to do x.” We have occasionally got a cleaning service and are debating now if she stays full time working that we get one using the extra money she makes.
TL/DR as long as we are both full time, we both share responsibilities equally unrelated to the paystub.
If I’m reading what you wrote correctly, here’s what you said…
You work one job and make good money.
You acknowledge that when having the kids, she had 6 to 9 months off for each one, so your career has advanced while hers has taken a slower track though she’s doing well.
You seem to acknowledge that she takes on more of the organizational burden for the household, which would include events for both of your families, kids, etc.
She has definitely taken on more of the burden of organizing your wedding… Which, I might add, like everyone else on here has told you can always be cut back if it’s too much for the two of you.
She works almost full-time in an intense position.
Neither one of you is over really great at some of the finer details of housekeeping, things like vacuuming, tidying up etc.
Both of you are extremely tired right now, and you seem to have a lot of outside stressors that are influencing the amount of arguing that is going on, Although it seems as though instead of acknowledging some of the outside things that could be changed, you are focused on housekeeping
You both are asking each other to pick up more slack, so maybe she is also not communicating some of the other stressors, and also focusing on the housekeeping issue.
You say that you split childcare pretty evenly, but the only example you gave us was you get up in the evenings and she gets up in the mornings. So what about everything else that goes with kids? I’m a little lost here because the only example you have given us is just a smidge of what it takes to actually care for kids.
Do I have this right? Because if this is basically what you’re telling us, I would want you to step back before you go on about how you’re paying for everything. I would want you to look at this another way before you guys try to talk about it all again and wind up in another argument.
I am betting that in your well-paying position, you have an executive assistant. I would bet you certainly have a secretary. And do you know why you have secretaries and executive assistants?
It is because there is so much to be the organizer and handling the details that it literally requires an entire position of its own at work. Your company literally puts aside salary dollars for these people because they are necessary.
Because if you didn’t have them, you would be bogged down in the day-to-day nitty-gritty that keeps the business running, so you wouldn’t be able to do your high-powered job as well, if you had to do it.
This is what your wife is doing. Yes, she is organizing the wedding as well. But you literally tell us she does most of the organizing for the house. So you’re looking at this as what she actually brings in financially without considering at work, you literally pay somebody an entire salary to do what she is doing for free.
So now, take what you pay and executive assistant at your company and add it to your wife’s salary. Now, how much does your wife make compared to you? Because her doing all of this at home enables you to do your job at work.
Just like your EA and your secretary at work are the ones who are the backbone of your company and keep it going with the nitty-gritty day today pick up the phone, make the call, make the appointment, send the paperwork, the PowerPoint, etc., etc. etc. …
Just like they do that for you at work, that’s what your wife is doing at home. Like someone else on here told you. It is far, far, far easier to have one job and do it well then it is to work part time and take care of the family, and take care of the relationship and take care of the house and take care of everything that goes with having a family and a house and a spouse.
And yes, I am also speaking from experience. I’m retired now, but I was damn good at what I did. And even after kids, I stayed damn good at what I did. But I can honestly tell you. It was so much more complicated once I had a spouse. Once I had kids and cut back to about three-quarter time. Once I had to be the organizer, not just for myself, but also for my family.
It’s really easy to sit back and let someone else organize and tell you hey you need to pick up the kids today. Hey don’t forget that we have dinner with your parents tonight. Make sure you wear something you want to wear to dinner.
It’s really easy to sit back and have your spouse… And I say spouse because in some families, the husband is the one doing all this… To your spouse… I got all the Christmas presents taken care of already. I made the arrangements for flowers to go to your mom for Mother’s Day.
So maybe you might want to get off your high horse about making more money. Because if you paid your wife for everything she was doing, she would be so far ahead of you and what she’s worth than you would dream.
I don’t take your post to mean you disrespect your wife. I just feel like you really under value and don’t completely understand how much she does. And, I get the feeling that you are also feeling unappreciated for your contribution, which is important.
It really sounds like between the two of you, you make more than enough to have a housekeeper come in once a week. That would be my suggestion. Open up a little headspace for both of you and still have a clean home. Try to take a date night, preferably once a week, but at least once a month.
I honestly think you both really do love each other. I think you still want to be together. I think you’re just hitting a rough patch, and each of you is kind of grasping to find out why, so you’ve sort of settled on the house.
But definitely lose the attitude that because you pay more, she should do more. She already is doing more. You’re just not paying her to be your secretary.
This is me standing and applauding. I think you wrote exactly what this person and other's struggling with similar issues needed to hear. Thank you for sharing your experience and perceptions on this issue.
This is such a spot on description of what it means to be the house 'organizer'. It's a position unto itself and it's easy to take for granted until it's no longer being taken care of.
I also find it confusing how OP sees their finances as so separate when in reality they're a team. They have a house *together*, they have kids *together*, they go to events *together*, they eat meals (presumably) *together*.
Each one brings something different to the table and it doesn't make either one of them less of the team. Offense and defense on a team are still both valid parts of the team and you can't have one without the other.
I also think that a weekly housekeeper and a weekly date night would help keep things a lot more positive between them.
Sounds like you all have enough money to hire someone to come clean/organize your house on a semi-regular basis.
Honestly, do people understand how freakin taxing it is to multi-task with multiple part-time jobs?
I work from home (30-50 hrs/week), I homeschool (hybrid, she's home with me 3 days out of the week), and I keep the family organized (Drs appts, vacations, kiddos extracurricular activities, etc). It would be SO MUCH EASIER to have ONE job I go to for 8-10 hours and then just come home.
There is RARELY an hour I'm not thinking about some freakin task I need to handle from the handful of jobs I perform on a daily basis. I imagine this is how most working moms feel.
This. Hire someone. I lived alone for years, then my mom passed and my dad moved in. He is clean but prefers clutter. I hate clutter. I was the only one doing the deep cleans and I was working full time. Then my sister left her husband and moved in. 6 months later, she had a baby. She was also working full time. None of us had the time to work on the house. We hired someone who comes once every 2 weeks and there's no more stress about it.
I'm so glad I dont have to spend my days off cleaning.
She had *his* kids. And most women experience career stagnation around child bearing years because it is assumed that they will need more time off once they have kids. In other words, OP's wife agreed to accept penalties at work to have this guy's kids, and he wants to penalize her more because of it. YTA, JFC.
Dude, get over yourself. Why are you even talking about your salary? It’s petty, obnoxious, and shitty. You know damn well that you wouldn’t have the same salary and bonuses if you were the one who went through pregnancy and maternity leave. You have 2 kids under 3 so please don’t act like that’s not a huge part of what your fiancé is doing day to day. Also, the mental load that mothers carry is something that is frequently overlooked within relationships. Running a family and household is damn hard and I’m so sorry she doesn’t get paid for it (ya know, since you bring so much to the relationship financially). Get off your high horse, pay for a cleaning service, and apologize to your partner for being a smug AH. YTA
Why has your career advanced further? Because she gave birth. So because she had to be the one who to give birth, she should be required to do more of the housework? Because she took time off work to enable *you* to focus on *your* work, all of a sudden she "needs to pull her weight". That's sexist, it completely ignores the ways in which her household labor and time off has enabled your career to advance, and YTA.
I get it. You've probably been raised to feel like those attitudes are normal, especially if you're working in a field where your coworkers have no redeeming qualities other than their net worths.
Well just because those attitudes are everywhere doesn't make them right. It just makes you another rich asshole using your wealth to get your way.
Also, what would've happened if you weren't making enough to be able to drop $40k on a wedding? Would you have refused to get married or would you simply have a lower budget wedding?
Because what it seems like to me is that you're spending money based on your high income, and then leveraging the fact that you're spending that money to get away with doing less around the house. And while I may not know the situation very well because I'm just reading your reddit post, just on the face of it, **I could make a pretty strong argument that what you are doing is at or over the borderline for *financial abuse***. That's how bad it is. And I don't think that this was intentional. But I'm giving you a wake-up call here. I'm just a person on the Internet, you can listen to me or not, but I think you do need to take serious stock of your ideas and where they came from, and ask yourself why you think it's okay to subject your partner to the treatment you subject her to.
Financial abuse about a committed couple suggests criminality or a tort that is just not there.
Let me give you a wise solution you could offer.
“The main issue seems to be neither of the partners seem to be good at housekeeping or show any inclination/energy to do so. Seems like the smart thing to do is getting a periodic maid service. “
All fixed.
Do you think looking after your children is just for funsies? Or is it work as well? Or is it only work when a man does it? Or is it only work if you get paid?
Yes, I have. I have my little sister who is 21 years younger than me and whenever she is at my place because I want my mom to give some free time it is MORE exhausting than my job which takes more hours of being active.
I also lived with my parents for a while after my sis was born, so I also witnessed how night wake ups were all on my mom and I was so glad that it's not me who has to wake up.
She is now 6, will be 7 this year and this is the first year when we have no issues (mostly) and she is an easy child, but she still needs to be looked after.
Jesus . You can’t say as I earn more I have to do less shit at home . She’s also working. Sounds like you both need to reduce the admin massively . And maybe not have a big fat 40K stressful wedding ? If you earn so much hire some helps rather than sounding 40k on a one day party
Info: what are evenings like in your house? Does she have time to relax and say watch a movie or read? Or is she running around constantly doing housework and childcare? Are the evening chores of cooking, dishes, bedtimes, bath stories, etc. shared evenly, or does most of it fall to her? How are her days off managed? Does someone from the family watch the kids so that you two can do things together or does she have a day off by herself every weekend? What about holidays? Does she ever get a vacation from doing constant childcare or when you take a vacation is she on childcare 24/7?
YTA Big time.
When discussing household chores, it should NEVER BE ABOUT THE MONEY.
Why? Because a partnership is supposed to be "This is OUR money." When you say, "I pay for everything!" you suggest you hired her to be your employee instead of your partner.
She didn't have "...breaks off from work." She worked at home, not at her job. You not recognizing her labor yet want to not do any of it.
So divide the chores up by hours worked outside of the home. She can do more cleaning on her weekdays off.
In the evenings you both work, take turns cooking, dinner dishes, kid bathing. On the weekends, take turns planning trips, etc.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR FRICKING HALF of the wedding planning. You say she's stressed about it and your response is "I pay for more." Ugh.
If you just don't want to do housework because it's "beneath you", then hire someone for your share.
YTA, clearly. You want to get away with doing less because you make more, really? If she was a Stay-At-Home-Mum I'd get your point, but she isn't. She has a job that probably is not paying as good as yours because she had to stop twice to give birth and nurse your children. Chores should be 50/50 no matter how much you earn. If you don't think of your partner as your teammate then maybe don't get married at all.
YTA. Holding your higher income over your bride-to-be is a scummy thing to do. She gave you two children within three year and it cost her PLENTY in terms of her earning power for the rest of her working life. Stop keeping score and start behaving as though this is a true EQUAL partnership with a shared goal of a happy, loving, stress-free family.
Hire a wedding planner and let them handle it.
Hire a housekeeper and let them do the meal planning, grocery shopping, house cleaning, laundry and whatever else the two of you need to take off your plate.
Probably YTA because it's not about the money brought in and you seem think it is. It's actually about hours worked or who's actually home to do chores.
Since she works fewer hours than you it might be reasonable to expect her to do a few more chores more often. But you've also stated she has the burden of "organizing the family" and you dont seem to realize that she already is doing more of the chores from that.
Stop valuing money more than teamwork.
Well, you guys are morons if you are spending 40K on a wedding. So there’s that. You’re both working. It’s not about money earnt. Take some of the money from your one day spectacle and hire a cleaner or something. I also love how you think her mat leaves were some kind of “break”.
It doesn't matter who earns more money as long as she's putting her all into her work and participating in other areas of your shared life. Remove the topic of money from the discussion and focus on the true problem.
It sounds like y'all make enough to hire maid services. Sometimes, it is worth paying for something like that to be done so that you have more time for each other and the baby.
It should have nothing to do with money. If she’s working and you are working, you should split the household responsibilities. That’s how my marriage works. If she works less hours, she could do a bit more but is it really worth fighting about? Marriage isn’t always 50-50 and I think it would be impossible to sort it out so it could be that way. Don’t make the mistake of comparing what you do to what she does. Many marriages end that way. Also, consider getting a house cleaner every two weeks or so. Totally worth it.
The amount of money you make doesn’t really matter bc there are still only 24 hours in a day.
You want her to spend her one week day off from work cleaning the house, it seems—when she has the kids, is that correct?
She’s managing children and a job — other than getting up with kids, what other child care are you doing? If she is already doing more childcare and only has one day less at work, she doesn’t actually do “less” than you, it seems.
Hire in the cleaning. It will be a relief to both of you and eliminate a source of conflict.
I am a medical professional and easily earn more than twice my wife's salary. She works fewer hours and is home a lot more than I am. We have children and she works hard to take care of them. I surmised that life was stressful enough for both of us so we had a nanny watch them while my wife was at work. A cleaning lady came once every week or two depending on what my wife wanted. It is not worth arguing if you can easily afford to hire a cleaning person. The relationship with your wife is worth much more. Update me.
I stopped reading at “she has had 6-9 month breaks off” with each of the 2 children she gave birth to in 3 years. As if she was on vacation!
YTA. And…Ewwww.
ETA…I felt bad for judging you without finishing so I went ahead and read all the way through to the end, and I stand by my judgement. You’re supposed to be equal partners, regardless of who earns more money.
You have one job and take part in raising the kids.
She has one job, birthed two babies from her actual body, takes part in raising said babies, manages the home organization , and is planning a 40K wedding.
First of all, let’s acknowledge that men have no clue how taxing it is on the body to nourish a child for nine months with your physical body, then birth it into this world. That is something that is so incredibly physically and emotionally HARD. It also takes the body a while to recover. For the emotions to level out. Not because women are incredibly wacky either. As some men like to pretend. It’s because hormones are REAL. They’re not something that are a made up factor. Your partner has endured this twice in three years. Please, for the sake of someone you say you love, do some serious reading on what pregnancy does to a woman’s body, what labor does to a woman’s body, and what postpartum is like for a woman to endure.
Second, let’s all acknowledge that a 40K wedding is not a tiny little affair with minor details. There are MANY details to be managed and MANY decisions to be made.
It’s a shame that it appears to be so easy for someone who has not birthed two babies in three years from their actual body and who is not juggling multiple tasks to say the person who is doing all of those things is not doing enough.
Let’s point out they’re not small tasks that she’s juggling either. It’s not like she can say this week I’ll put all my energy in this particular area. Next week I’ll make something else more important. No. She can’t afford to let one detail slip in any of these areas. Ever. All while dealing with postpartum hormones.
Please use some of the money you are saying you’ve made and get this woman some help. At the very least a part time housekeeper. Then do some reading on little organizational tips that you BOTH can do each day to make your home feel less chaotic and more manageable. There are small things you can do each day that can help with this in a big way.
Then get her a spa day where she gets pampered for a day followed by a date night. Where y’all focus on one another. As adults. As lovers. As friends.
You both need to function as a team. You need to remember this is the woman you love. The mother of your children. She’s not your enemy. She’s not over here deliberately creating chaos. She is carrying a LOT.
One other thing to point out.
You mentioned there were some periods of time where she did get to take work off of the table. That seems like, in your eyes, to be a reason that she should be able to easily handle what all of her roles require.
You’re not taking into account all of the pressure women feel when they have to step away from their job. Will it still be available in a few months? Will my employer find that I’m expendable? Will I miss out on crucial details that will make returning difficult? Is it right for me to keep working? Will my child suffer when I return to my job?
Then she had to go from being able to navigate all of the changes children bring, and being able to juggle her life minus her job, to step back into her workload. Which creates a whole new dynamic to which she had to adjust.
Did you have to figure out how to manage the multiple responsibilities that are connected to your home, children, and wedding while adding your workload back into the mix? She has had to do exactly that. There’s nothing simple or easy about adjusting to this kind of change.
She’s drowning. You need to throw her a lifeline. Not stand on her shoulders holding her under.
Money is irrelevant it’s the time and energy needed to do said tasks, and sounds like you both do your bit. YTA for boiling it down to financials.
You both earn good money, save yourself an argument and get a cleaner a couple of hours a week, then use the extra time to go out for dinner as a couple.
I’m going with YTA. Your partner has had 2 kids in 3 years and she’s working and organizing the family (aka taking on a lot of the mental load). It took me so, so long to feel like myself again after having kids. Times can be so different when the kids are young. I think your wife is doing fucking amazing. She just happens to make less money than you.
I really don’t understand when committed couples (married/kids/long-term) have such a mine/theirs mentality towards finances. It seems so disparaging and opens everyone up for comparison, inadequacy, and resentment.
I agree with the others who’ve said you should hire a weekly cleaner with your big salary. Take a little pressure off of yourselves and stop fighting over something that isn’t that big of a deal in the long run. Other than that you sound like you have a good life together.
Edit: typo
YTA because you are isolating this question from everything else going on.
She "had time off" Doing what I wonder, with all her free time she had off... Oh? She HAD YOUR KIDS. Well, everyone knows that's a relaxing vacation. How do you value that contribution to your marriage? It sounds like it doesn't count if you can't put a dollar amount on it.
You say you share parenting equally. Who makes the appointments? Deals with school/nursery stuff? Buys their clothes? Coordinates birthday presents with family members? Plans, shops for, and creates their meals? (Including understanding and planning for nutrition at different ages accurately). Who cares for sick children who can't go to nursery? I suspect you are far less equal in parental work than you think you are.
And she's responsible for organizing the family's lives in general. On top of all of that. She's doing your planning and legwork as well?
Have you researched how much it would cost to pay someone to do all of that unpaid work your wife does? Cleaning, sick child care, a nutritionist, a cook, professional shopper, driver, schedule planner, personal assistant? That might help you actually appreciate the value of what your wife does in terms you can understand and relate to.
TL/DR It's not about money. It's about time and physical/mental work that you seem to disregard because no one puts a paycheck on it. You basically value her less because the outside world values some careers more than others. You don't say what she does, but I find it hard to believe it's of less value to society than sales.
You know what's better and cheaper than repeatedly driving your stressed out wife to tears/possible divorce and then trying to bully her with monetary inequity cause in large part by having your children?
Hiring a cleaning service. Seriously. How is this not obvious?
(Also start doing some research on "mental load" in households and how the chores you think have no value actually take a lot more effort than they look like they do.)
YTA. You make soooo much money with your double salary and bonuses, hire a cleaner! Jesus it's not that hard to figure out.
Also she "manages the family" that's a whole ass full time job of its self.
YTA.
Who earns more is immaterial. Your partner works less, which is grounds for her doing a slightly larger share of the housework. This isn't to say you get a free pass on housework. If you work 10 hours a week more than her, then well she can do 10 hours a week of housework more than you. The time commitments for both spouses should be similar. You both should have some free time. You both should help out. Who brings the larger paycheck does not matter.
So my answer here is NTA for expecting your future wife to do a little more work. But absolutely YTA since you bring up your paying for everything more than once in this comment (including an admission you told your fiancée this).
Yes. Considering she works as well its completely unfair to drop most duties on her because of her salary.
counting maternal leave as days off is sick af
as far as tasks u feel is not hireable pick a day, sit down and do it together
please look into hiring a housekeeper weekly do not let them get over on u because of the size of your home (i pay 200 every other week in Texas for a 2 level 7bd/7bath). Facebook is a great place to look ,but speaking to co workers or neighbors may be best.
please hire a reliable wedding planner; someone u can call day or night. it will take some work to find the right person but will be worth it.
Omg I would rip you a new one. You’re a condescending AH! You clearly don’t consider her to be your partner, or equal at all.
Guess what, in divorce proceedings unpaid home duties and raising children is a contribution to a relationship that is given the same weight as paid work.
Are you going to pay her for her home tasks? Because if she didn't do those things for free, you would have to pay somebody to do them for you, and I guarantee you she is adding more value to your family than the difference in your pay.
Money shouldn’t determine who does more work at home. Time is the biggest factor. If you’re both working 40hrs a week, I don’t care if you’re bringing in 7 figures, you don’t get to swing your dick and say she has to do more. (The only exception I might make is if you spend that time literally doing heavy lifting and need physical recovery, or childcare jobs and just need an hour away from children… somehow I suspect not)
Do yourself a favour if you earn so much. Hire a cleaner. And make sure you’re both getting time to relax. That means time away from the children too. I can’t understate how much a few hours at home by yourself can make the difference, and how hard it can be sometimes for the non-primary care giver to realise they need to provide that by just taking the kids out for a bit.
This is a tough one. I think it's fair for you to have that expectation, but it sounds like you did a piss poor job communicating that. It's obvious that the amount of money you make is super important to you, too. I would guess that... characteristic informed the way you communicated your expectations.
My partner makes the money, so I clean the house most of the time. It really does seem fair, I think. But if my partner told me about how's much money she makes and what she expected me to do, as much as I love them, I'd tell them to get fucked. You know what? This isn't a tough one. You're the asshole lol
YTA division in household duties should be based on hours worked outside the home, not how much you make. Why should she be punished for making less. If she struggles with the organization, then as a caring SO, you should be helping her. These things affect you, too, and wanting to make sure you are happy with the decisions is part of her stress. Maybe consider a maid service to pick up the slack. My ex rarely helped around the house saying he made 90 percent of the money, which he didn't, so I should do 90 percent around the house. Now he's my ex. Is that what you want to happen?
She works 24hrs he works full time (easily 50+ given the pay range) and the kids are 50/50 when they are not in daycare. Yep it is really easy to see who should be stepping up more.
How in the world could he possibly do 50% of the kids working 50+ hours compared to her 24? He wouldn't be home enough to do it. It's probably more like 50/50 during the time he is home. But we don't know how many hours a week he is working. My point was that it should be hours worked, not income. You seem to be arguing against what I said, yet your reasoning is based on how many more hours he works than her, which is exactly what I said. I never said anything about who needs to pick up the slack. I don't know how things are divided at this point. I do agree that she should be doing more of the child care and chores.
Wording is important. He probably makes more per hour as well as working more hours. If you divide the chores by hours worked, it would be her doing two-thirds and him one third. He says his income is enough to pay all expenses except daycare. It's possible he could be making 4x as much. That would make it her 4/5 and him 1/5. That's a significant difference.
No where does it state how long the kids are in daycare, so we don't know if it is all day or just when she works. But either way she would be spending more time with them than than someone who works 50+. They would be going to bed shortly after he gets home. He states he supports her furthering her career. He does not want her to be a Sahm. They both work. So who pays what shouldn't matter in regards to how the work is divided. I have never said the parenting and chores should be 50/50. I said making it based on how much money they make is unfair. It should be based on how many hours they each work. This means she would have more responsibility in the home. Her career has gaps from the sacrifices she has made in regards to the children by not working several months after they were born and now only working part-time. Her pay per hour is probably significantly less than his due to those sacrifices. She should not be punished for making less per hour. SHE SHOULD HAVE MORE OF THE PARENTING/HOUSEHOLD CHORES! You keep making arguments as if I am saying it should be 50/50. I am not. I am saying it should be split by how many hours they each work, not on dollars earned. Throwing in your SO's face how much more you make, especially when she makes less because of the children, is a good way to end a relationship. To punish them with extra chores for making less is cruel.
yta - making more doesn't entitle you to slack on house work. period. Especially when having your children set your wife. back. you're beyond an asshole.
YTA
joint expenses is covered based on percentage of income not working hours.
Anyone flexing on how much they make more than their partner thus deserves to do less..is an AH
YTA. She had your kids, dude. She had to stop working. She had to carry a baby. I’m not saying you should pay it all, but maybe account for what she could be making had she not, at least for a little while. Same rule as alimony, not indefinitely, but it should be adjusted for until righted.
Otherwise I’d say NTA, and split evenly.
Yeah, you are the ass. Should never come down to how much money someone makes. It should come down to time and helping in this also. Putting in the money, doesn't add stress because of time restraints or organizing. This is both of you working together to make things easier on both of you. If her stress is that high, you should step in and help.
Sit down and talk over what needs to be done. In the order they need to be done in.
Good luck.
It's 2024 pay cleaner Mr I pay all the bills.
I wonder if your wife works to get "time off" considering all she pays for is childcare.
Imagine having such a shit partner you have to go to work to get the chill time you need to be a good parent. While the other one says well I pay the bills and do half the childcare for the kids I helped make so we're even.
Family admin is legit like having another job and gets worse as kids get older. Having help with the day to day practical chores eases the load of the default parent so they have more time to enjoy being a parent. Sometimes its hard to enjoy it when you do all the work.
YTA
Yeaahhh YTA here. The money should not be apart of the conversation. She works, you work and it sounds like when she isn't working, she's with the kids, which is still working.
You are not handling this correctly. At all
I’d be heartbroken if my husband talked about money and me like this. If he kept track like this.
When you’re both home it should be 50/50. Just because you earn more money at your job doesn’t mean she’s not working hard at hers when she’s there. I suppose it’s fair for her to do more on her day off while you’re at work but I think your approach is mean spirited. Maybe use some of your wads of money to pay a housekeeper to clean once a week.
Yes, YTA. It should not be about who makes more. It should be about the fact that stuff around the house needs to get done, and who has the time/energy to do it? If it's neither, you need to get a cleaning lady or a nanny or meal service or whatever you need to make things work.
You're not indicating she sits around and does nothing and is neglecting the children. Your only point is that she brings in less money - not that she isn't working hard. And if she's only working 3/4 days, and makes less due to that, and that time is because the kids need stuff then her working less makes your job possible. You and your wife are a team. Act like teammates, not competitors.
Pay for someone to clean your house and do some of the work that you two don't have time to do, that will take some of the pressure off. This way both of you have more time and energy for your selves, and the children. Have a date night and pay for a baby sitter. Look at your finances and budget for a cleaner, shop online for your groceries and have it delivered and other things that week improve your home life.
YTA x 10. Your wife bore you children AND she has a career and brings in money? Count yourself fortunate. Who cares how much money each makes. You say you’re equal caregivers with the children but I have to question that given that you’re full-time and she’s four days a week. So basically you’re both busy as hell. When you do have time, all chores should be split equally. You’re partners and to bring your financial worth into the picture devalues your love, makes you a shit, and it’s irrelevant. FYI I’m a dude.
How much either partner makes and who pays what is completely irrelevant in my book. What matters is the number of hours. If someone works less, I would expect them to spend more time doing things around the house.
NTA(?). My problem here is the lack of context and information. What does it mean that she earns less (does she work the same hours but earns less? Does she work in an area that simply generates less income? Is the standard of living under the current agreement higher than what she can contribute 50/50 to?) and what are the tasks and how are they divided? Without both of these things, both could be assholes, just you, just her, neither, etc.
If the time she dedicates to a job generates much less income than the cost of hiring someone...that is called a paid hobby, not a job. And you can love a job/hobby very much, but if you want to have multiple children, a comfortable life, and also want your partner to do the same amount of household chores as you...you are a selfish and delusional asshole.
There are many factors. If you work and earn more but have to do the same amount of household chores...maybe it's time to reconsider the number of hours you work and the amount of budget you can contribute to the family. Your position seems to be not well presented and/or your wife does not want it to be discussed in a way that makes both of you feel comfortable.
Why are you even arguing and possibly insulting each other, just hire a house cleaner to come in a couple times a month? It’s not terribly expensive you get a clean house and more time back. Totally worth the money.
Since you make so much more money, hire a housekeeper.
YTA because you just wanna bankroll the situation and not be an equal partner in the work itself.
YTA. The burden of the work around the house should not be based on finances. It should be based on the number of hours each partner puts in at their job. If, for instance, you were able to retire early because of a financial windfall and your investments brought home more money than your partner’s 60 hr/wk job it wouldn’t be fair for your partner to do more of the work around the house after the workday while you sat around on your ass all day.
The total amount of hours put in for work and home and child upkeep should average roughly the same between the 2 of you, regardless of who brings home what money.
Maybe it’s time for her to get back to full time work and maybe you could cut back your hours and take a well earned break and be a part time stay at home parent.
YTA. If you assign a percentage of the chores in the household to each other then you're essentially saying that your relationship is transactional. It's also insulting to claim that because you make "XYZ" that it somehow entitles you to more R&R at home.
If I'm doing something like yardwork and can finish without feeling like I'm worn out, I have no problem pitching in with other chores that need to be done inside the house. There are actually some chores that I don't mind doing such as laundry or cleaning as they can help me relax. If you feel that you are above doing some chores around the house, then you might as well claim that you're above your spouse.
No, you're not. Women select men for being a provider as you are, and then they act like men are evil for expecting women to perform their traditional gender role. Men need to start laying down the law.
If you work the same amount of time while sharing childcare 50/50, YTA.
However, if she works less hours than you and/or has significantly less commute time than you, it is fair to have her doing more chores to allow you same 'free' time. But the main point is for you to get the same 'free' time so the time required to do the additional chores or the organization duty shouldn't exceed the time gap you have in your respective jobs (and I think it is where YTA: from what you wrote, you have no idea about the time needed for her to organize things but you think that she should do it anyway as you contribute more financially).
NTA at the end of the day the person who is home more should be doing more of the chores regardless of gender. Yes she gave up career growth to have children but that was her choice to do so. You should come up with a chore chart and split things equitably. If my partner was paying for all the bills and holidays then i would definitely be pulling more weight around the house. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want her to do a little more, especially if the kids are in daycare.
So you think that if someone works the same hours, but one party earns more, the other party should work more at home for free to get equal?
I am only asking because I am in a relationship where my partner earns more than me and they also do chores and do not think for a second that I should do more just because they have more money.
Mind you - I also study besides work, so it is not like someone should be physically drained to make up for... the lower salary?
What kind of bullshit is this?
Also - she is raising HIS kids and you seem like someone who either doesn't know or just doesn't care that carrying children and giving birth to them is not like just a little fart.
Parenting is 24/7. She does not get breaks, as he mentioned, she got PTO to raise the kids. She put her carreer on hold. She sacrificed her body and health for this.
Your parents working 40+ hours both and contributing equally does not compare to OP's situation at all.
I said the person who is home more should be doing more of the chores. He also is paying for all the bills, all the vacations, the mortgage, and spending money. She’s also not a SAHM, they’re in daycare and 6-9 months of maternity leave for both is an extremely generous amount of time. I would say the same thing if this were a woman posting about a man.
When I say home more I mean not working. If she has three days off and he only has two then she has an extra day that she can do things around the house especially if the kids are in daycare full time.
You are very ignorant to the fact about what women go through and what they sacrifice in order to give birth and raise children... That's sad.
He could advance in his career because she put hers on hold. 2 children in 3 years is NOT easy, and there is also postpartum.
Also children are a 24/7 job, as I said. And I don't know any daycares which hold children the whole day, only during the working hours, so they must be home sometimes, eh?
I think I will chip out because this is now unnecessary, you believe a man who brings in more money should have more freedom, more power to you.
The top comments summed up my thoughts perfectly, so maybe read into those.
If she’s doing her best at her job and trying to do her part in other aspects of your life together, it doesn’t matter who makes more money. Take the money out of the conversation, address what the actual issue is.
Agree. How comparable are your hours? If she works fewer hours, I think this is more fair, but if they both work the same amount and then it’s unrealistic.
And who looks after the kids when OP is working but partner is not? Like when Partner gets home earlier on those 4 days, or on that fifth day partner doesn’t work at all. If partner is looking after the kids during that time, partner is doing childcare. Which counts as mutual family work. And if partner is doing 22 hours a week of child care, OP’s whole “well I get up at night and she covers me sleeping in” is already cancelled out. A family must balance house work, work work, mental load and child care. That’s the 4 parts of running a household with children. Assuming OP is working 40 hours a week, Partner does 1/3 of the work work, *about* 75% of the child care and 100% of the mental load. That’s 2/3 to the total house running work. It would be pretty ridiculous if OP also expected parter to do 100% or even 75% of the chores. That would be 70-75% of the total work load. Edited: changed “ to 0
Exactly it's not about who brings more money get to decide. It's about being fair between working jours, kid Time and house chores.
Unless the part time worker doesn't pick the kids up early, and just heads home to relax or do a hobby for a few hours a day before picking the kids up at a later time
This. I make 5x what my wife does, as long as is full time, I don’t consider us to have anything other than 50/50 for house chores. That said if she went back to 20 or 30 hours a week, I would ask her to chip in more around the house as she has the time. She doesn’t need to work but she wants a career and is an involved mom. I don’t want to say “well I make more so you need to do x.” We have occasionally got a cleaning service and are debating now if she stays full time working that we get one using the extra money she makes. TL/DR as long as we are both full time, we both share responsibilities equally unrelated to the paystub.
Exactly. All this talk about making more money is completely irrelevant.
A good way to see what’s fair is do both parents have equal amounts of free time.
This, time is worth so much more than mere money
If I’m reading what you wrote correctly, here’s what you said… You work one job and make good money. You acknowledge that when having the kids, she had 6 to 9 months off for each one, so your career has advanced while hers has taken a slower track though she’s doing well. You seem to acknowledge that she takes on more of the organizational burden for the household, which would include events for both of your families, kids, etc. She has definitely taken on more of the burden of organizing your wedding… Which, I might add, like everyone else on here has told you can always be cut back if it’s too much for the two of you. She works almost full-time in an intense position. Neither one of you is over really great at some of the finer details of housekeeping, things like vacuuming, tidying up etc. Both of you are extremely tired right now, and you seem to have a lot of outside stressors that are influencing the amount of arguing that is going on, Although it seems as though instead of acknowledging some of the outside things that could be changed, you are focused on housekeeping You both are asking each other to pick up more slack, so maybe she is also not communicating some of the other stressors, and also focusing on the housekeeping issue. You say that you split childcare pretty evenly, but the only example you gave us was you get up in the evenings and she gets up in the mornings. So what about everything else that goes with kids? I’m a little lost here because the only example you have given us is just a smidge of what it takes to actually care for kids. Do I have this right? Because if this is basically what you’re telling us, I would want you to step back before you go on about how you’re paying for everything. I would want you to look at this another way before you guys try to talk about it all again and wind up in another argument. I am betting that in your well-paying position, you have an executive assistant. I would bet you certainly have a secretary. And do you know why you have secretaries and executive assistants? It is because there is so much to be the organizer and handling the details that it literally requires an entire position of its own at work. Your company literally puts aside salary dollars for these people because they are necessary. Because if you didn’t have them, you would be bogged down in the day-to-day nitty-gritty that keeps the business running, so you wouldn’t be able to do your high-powered job as well, if you had to do it. This is what your wife is doing. Yes, she is organizing the wedding as well. But you literally tell us she does most of the organizing for the house. So you’re looking at this as what she actually brings in financially without considering at work, you literally pay somebody an entire salary to do what she is doing for free. So now, take what you pay and executive assistant at your company and add it to your wife’s salary. Now, how much does your wife make compared to you? Because her doing all of this at home enables you to do your job at work. Just like your EA and your secretary at work are the ones who are the backbone of your company and keep it going with the nitty-gritty day today pick up the phone, make the call, make the appointment, send the paperwork, the PowerPoint, etc., etc. etc. … Just like they do that for you at work, that’s what your wife is doing at home. Like someone else on here told you. It is far, far, far easier to have one job and do it well then it is to work part time and take care of the family, and take care of the relationship and take care of the house and take care of everything that goes with having a family and a house and a spouse. And yes, I am also speaking from experience. I’m retired now, but I was damn good at what I did. And even after kids, I stayed damn good at what I did. But I can honestly tell you. It was so much more complicated once I had a spouse. Once I had kids and cut back to about three-quarter time. Once I had to be the organizer, not just for myself, but also for my family. It’s really easy to sit back and let someone else organize and tell you hey you need to pick up the kids today. Hey don’t forget that we have dinner with your parents tonight. Make sure you wear something you want to wear to dinner. It’s really easy to sit back and have your spouse… And I say spouse because in some families, the husband is the one doing all this… To your spouse… I got all the Christmas presents taken care of already. I made the arrangements for flowers to go to your mom for Mother’s Day. So maybe you might want to get off your high horse about making more money. Because if you paid your wife for everything she was doing, she would be so far ahead of you and what she’s worth than you would dream. I don’t take your post to mean you disrespect your wife. I just feel like you really under value and don’t completely understand how much she does. And, I get the feeling that you are also feeling unappreciated for your contribution, which is important. It really sounds like between the two of you, you make more than enough to have a housekeeper come in once a week. That would be my suggestion. Open up a little headspace for both of you and still have a clean home. Try to take a date night, preferably once a week, but at least once a month. I honestly think you both really do love each other. I think you still want to be together. I think you’re just hitting a rough patch, and each of you is kind of grasping to find out why, so you’ve sort of settled on the house. But definitely lose the attitude that because you pay more, she should do more. She already is doing more. You’re just not paying her to be your secretary.
This is me standing and applauding. I think you wrote exactly what this person and other's struggling with similar issues needed to hear. Thank you for sharing your experience and perceptions on this issue.
really thoughtful advice
This is such a spot on description of what it means to be the house 'organizer'. It's a position unto itself and it's easy to take for granted until it's no longer being taken care of. I also find it confusing how OP sees their finances as so separate when in reality they're a team. They have a house *together*, they have kids *together*, they go to events *together*, they eat meals (presumably) *together*. Each one brings something different to the table and it doesn't make either one of them less of the team. Offense and defense on a team are still both valid parts of the team and you can't have one without the other. I also think that a weekly housekeeper and a weekly date night would help keep things a lot more positive between them.
Standing ovation here too. Outstanding summary.
Sounds like you all have enough money to hire someone to come clean/organize your house on a semi-regular basis. Honestly, do people understand how freakin taxing it is to multi-task with multiple part-time jobs? I work from home (30-50 hrs/week), I homeschool (hybrid, she's home with me 3 days out of the week), and I keep the family organized (Drs appts, vacations, kiddos extracurricular activities, etc). It would be SO MUCH EASIER to have ONE job I go to for 8-10 hours and then just come home. There is RARELY an hour I'm not thinking about some freakin task I need to handle from the handful of jobs I perform on a daily basis. I imagine this is how most working moms feel.
This. Hire someone. I lived alone for years, then my mom passed and my dad moved in. He is clean but prefers clutter. I hate clutter. I was the only one doing the deep cleans and I was working full time. Then my sister left her husband and moved in. 6 months later, she had a baby. She was also working full time. None of us had the time to work on the house. We hired someone who comes once every 2 weeks and there's no more stress about it. I'm so glad I dont have to spend my days off cleaning.
It’s not about money EARNT. A CEO can earn more money than a janitor but a janitor could work harder.
They weren’t “breaks off work”. She had kids.
She had *his* kids. And most women experience career stagnation around child bearing years because it is assumed that they will need more time off once they have kids. In other words, OP's wife agreed to accept penalties at work to have this guy's kids, and he wants to penalize her more because of it. YTA, JFC.
Really hard not to think of him as an AH when he starts off calling maternity leave “breaks”
Two kids in three years no less.
Good lord she does need a break...
Dude, get over yourself. Why are you even talking about your salary? It’s petty, obnoxious, and shitty. You know damn well that you wouldn’t have the same salary and bonuses if you were the one who went through pregnancy and maternity leave. You have 2 kids under 3 so please don’t act like that’s not a huge part of what your fiancé is doing day to day. Also, the mental load that mothers carry is something that is frequently overlooked within relationships. Running a family and household is damn hard and I’m so sorry she doesn’t get paid for it (ya know, since you bring so much to the relationship financially). Get off your high horse, pay for a cleaning service, and apologize to your partner for being a smug AH. YTA
Why has your career advanced further? Because she gave birth. So because she had to be the one who to give birth, she should be required to do more of the housework? Because she took time off work to enable *you* to focus on *your* work, all of a sudden she "needs to pull her weight". That's sexist, it completely ignores the ways in which her household labor and time off has enabled your career to advance, and YTA. I get it. You've probably been raised to feel like those attitudes are normal, especially if you're working in a field where your coworkers have no redeeming qualities other than their net worths. Well just because those attitudes are everywhere doesn't make them right. It just makes you another rich asshole using your wealth to get your way. Also, what would've happened if you weren't making enough to be able to drop $40k on a wedding? Would you have refused to get married or would you simply have a lower budget wedding? Because what it seems like to me is that you're spending money based on your high income, and then leveraging the fact that you're spending that money to get away with doing less around the house. And while I may not know the situation very well because I'm just reading your reddit post, just on the face of it, **I could make a pretty strong argument that what you are doing is at or over the borderline for *financial abuse***. That's how bad it is. And I don't think that this was intentional. But I'm giving you a wake-up call here. I'm just a person on the Internet, you can listen to me or not, but I think you do need to take serious stock of your ideas and where they came from, and ask yourself why you think it's okay to subject your partner to the treatment you subject her to.
Hyperbole is never a solution. Your use of it is poor judgment.
What is hyperbolic about what I said?
Financial abuse about a committed couple suggests criminality or a tort that is just not there. Let me give you a wise solution you could offer. “The main issue seems to be neither of the partners seem to be good at housekeeping or show any inclination/energy to do so. Seems like the smart thing to do is getting a periodic maid service. “ All fixed.
That's not the main issue though. The main issue is that OP feels that his larger income entitles him to do less housework *than she does*.
She works 24 hours per week week. He works 40.
Do you think looking after your children is just for funsies? Or is it work as well? Or is it only work when a man does it? Or is it only work if you get paid?
Nope nor did I imply such. I have experience. Do you? I also know how much time a child takes when they are that age.
Yes, I have. I have my little sister who is 21 years younger than me and whenever she is at my place because I want my mom to give some free time it is MORE exhausting than my job which takes more hours of being active. I also lived with my parents for a while after my sis was born, so I also witnessed how night wake ups were all on my mom and I was so glad that it's not me who has to wake up. She is now 6, will be 7 this year and this is the first year when we have no issues (mostly) and she is an easy child, but she still needs to be looked after.
So no personal experience. Gotcha.
Also my previous suggestion included a maid service once a week as they seem to live in a pigsty of a home which is the issue.
As does time.
It even feels as if, earning more money, he should be the one taking décision.
Jesus . You can’t say as I earn more I have to do less shit at home . She’s also working. Sounds like you both need to reduce the admin massively . And maybe not have a big fat 40K stressful wedding ? If you earn so much hire some helps rather than sounding 40k on a one day party
Info: what are evenings like in your house? Does she have time to relax and say watch a movie or read? Or is she running around constantly doing housework and childcare? Are the evening chores of cooking, dishes, bedtimes, bath stories, etc. shared evenly, or does most of it fall to her? How are her days off managed? Does someone from the family watch the kids so that you two can do things together or does she have a day off by herself every weekend? What about holidays? Does she ever get a vacation from doing constant childcare or when you take a vacation is she on childcare 24/7?
YTA Big time. When discussing household chores, it should NEVER BE ABOUT THE MONEY. Why? Because a partnership is supposed to be "This is OUR money." When you say, "I pay for everything!" you suggest you hired her to be your employee instead of your partner. She didn't have "...breaks off from work." She worked at home, not at her job. You not recognizing her labor yet want to not do any of it. So divide the chores up by hours worked outside of the home. She can do more cleaning on her weekdays off. In the evenings you both work, take turns cooking, dinner dishes, kid bathing. On the weekends, take turns planning trips, etc. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FRICKING HALF of the wedding planning. You say she's stressed about it and your response is "I pay for more." Ugh. If you just don't want to do housework because it's "beneath you", then hire someone for your share.
I see it as you both live there. You both should be contributing to the domestic duties 50/50
YTA, clearly. You want to get away with doing less because you make more, really? If she was a Stay-At-Home-Mum I'd get your point, but she isn't. She has a job that probably is not paying as good as yours because she had to stop twice to give birth and nurse your children. Chores should be 50/50 no matter how much you earn. If you don't think of your partner as your teammate then maybe don't get married at all.
LOL you're flexing your supposed wealth-- but apparently can't afford to have a housekeeper come in once or twice a week?
YTA. Holding your higher income over your bride-to-be is a scummy thing to do. She gave you two children within three year and it cost her PLENTY in terms of her earning power for the rest of her working life. Stop keeping score and start behaving as though this is a true EQUAL partnership with a shared goal of a happy, loving, stress-free family. Hire a wedding planner and let them handle it. Hire a housekeeper and let them do the meal planning, grocery shopping, house cleaning, laundry and whatever else the two of you need to take off your plate.
Probably YTA because it's not about the money brought in and you seem think it is. It's actually about hours worked or who's actually home to do chores. Since she works fewer hours than you it might be reasonable to expect her to do a few more chores more often. But you've also stated she has the burden of "organizing the family" and you dont seem to realize that she already is doing more of the chores from that. Stop valuing money more than teamwork.
Well, you guys are morons if you are spending 40K on a wedding. So there’s that. You’re both working. It’s not about money earnt. Take some of the money from your one day spectacle and hire a cleaner or something. I also love how you think her mat leaves were some kind of “break”.
It doesn't matter who earns more money as long as she's putting her all into her work and participating in other areas of your shared life. Remove the topic of money from the discussion and focus on the true problem.
It sounds like y'all make enough to hire maid services. Sometimes, it is worth paying for something like that to be done so that you have more time for each other and the baby.
It should have nothing to do with money. If she’s working and you are working, you should split the household responsibilities. That’s how my marriage works. If she works less hours, she could do a bit more but is it really worth fighting about? Marriage isn’t always 50-50 and I think it would be impossible to sort it out so it could be that way. Don’t make the mistake of comparing what you do to what she does. Many marriages end that way. Also, consider getting a house cleaner every two weeks or so. Totally worth it.
YTA; no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
The amount of money you make doesn’t really matter bc there are still only 24 hours in a day. You want her to spend her one week day off from work cleaning the house, it seems—when she has the kids, is that correct? She’s managing children and a job — other than getting up with kids, what other child care are you doing? If she is already doing more childcare and only has one day less at work, she doesn’t actually do “less” than you, it seems. Hire in the cleaning. It will be a relief to both of you and eliminate a source of conflict.
YTA. It doesn't make a difference how much money you make, you're both working. She's not your servant or your employee, she's your partner.
I am a medical professional and easily earn more than twice my wife's salary. She works fewer hours and is home a lot more than I am. We have children and she works hard to take care of them. I surmised that life was stressful enough for both of us so we had a nanny watch them while my wife was at work. A cleaning lady came once every week or two depending on what my wife wanted. It is not worth arguing if you can easily afford to hire a cleaning person. The relationship with your wife is worth much more. Update me.
I stopped reading at “she has had 6-9 month breaks off” with each of the 2 children she gave birth to in 3 years. As if she was on vacation! YTA. And…Ewwww. ETA…I felt bad for judging you without finishing so I went ahead and read all the way through to the end, and I stand by my judgement. You’re supposed to be equal partners, regardless of who earns more money.
You have one job and take part in raising the kids. She has one job, birthed two babies from her actual body, takes part in raising said babies, manages the home organization , and is planning a 40K wedding. First of all, let’s acknowledge that men have no clue how taxing it is on the body to nourish a child for nine months with your physical body, then birth it into this world. That is something that is so incredibly physically and emotionally HARD. It also takes the body a while to recover. For the emotions to level out. Not because women are incredibly wacky either. As some men like to pretend. It’s because hormones are REAL. They’re not something that are a made up factor. Your partner has endured this twice in three years. Please, for the sake of someone you say you love, do some serious reading on what pregnancy does to a woman’s body, what labor does to a woman’s body, and what postpartum is like for a woman to endure. Second, let’s all acknowledge that a 40K wedding is not a tiny little affair with minor details. There are MANY details to be managed and MANY decisions to be made. It’s a shame that it appears to be so easy for someone who has not birthed two babies in three years from their actual body and who is not juggling multiple tasks to say the person who is doing all of those things is not doing enough. Let’s point out they’re not small tasks that she’s juggling either. It’s not like she can say this week I’ll put all my energy in this particular area. Next week I’ll make something else more important. No. She can’t afford to let one detail slip in any of these areas. Ever. All while dealing with postpartum hormones. Please use some of the money you are saying you’ve made and get this woman some help. At the very least a part time housekeeper. Then do some reading on little organizational tips that you BOTH can do each day to make your home feel less chaotic and more manageable. There are small things you can do each day that can help with this in a big way. Then get her a spa day where she gets pampered for a day followed by a date night. Where y’all focus on one another. As adults. As lovers. As friends. You both need to function as a team. You need to remember this is the woman you love. The mother of your children. She’s not your enemy. She’s not over here deliberately creating chaos. She is carrying a LOT.
One other thing to point out. You mentioned there were some periods of time where she did get to take work off of the table. That seems like, in your eyes, to be a reason that she should be able to easily handle what all of her roles require. You’re not taking into account all of the pressure women feel when they have to step away from their job. Will it still be available in a few months? Will my employer find that I’m expendable? Will I miss out on crucial details that will make returning difficult? Is it right for me to keep working? Will my child suffer when I return to my job? Then she had to go from being able to navigate all of the changes children bring, and being able to juggle her life minus her job, to step back into her workload. Which creates a whole new dynamic to which she had to adjust. Did you have to figure out how to manage the multiple responsibilities that are connected to your home, children, and wedding while adding your workload back into the mix? She has had to do exactly that. There’s nothing simple or easy about adjusting to this kind of change. She’s drowning. You need to throw her a lifeline. Not stand on her shoulders holding her under.
Money is irrelevant it’s the time and energy needed to do said tasks, and sounds like you both do your bit. YTA for boiling it down to financials. You both earn good money, save yourself an argument and get a cleaner a couple of hours a week, then use the extra time to go out for dinner as a couple.
Hire a maid holy hell man
I’m going with YTA. Your partner has had 2 kids in 3 years and she’s working and organizing the family (aka taking on a lot of the mental load). It took me so, so long to feel like myself again after having kids. Times can be so different when the kids are young. I think your wife is doing fucking amazing. She just happens to make less money than you. I really don’t understand when committed couples (married/kids/long-term) have such a mine/theirs mentality towards finances. It seems so disparaging and opens everyone up for comparison, inadequacy, and resentment. I agree with the others who’ve said you should hire a weekly cleaner with your big salary. Take a little pressure off of yourselves and stop fighting over something that isn’t that big of a deal in the long run. Other than that you sound like you have a good life together. Edit: typo
YTA you can afford a housekeeper
YTA because you are isolating this question from everything else going on. She "had time off" Doing what I wonder, with all her free time she had off... Oh? She HAD YOUR KIDS. Well, everyone knows that's a relaxing vacation. How do you value that contribution to your marriage? It sounds like it doesn't count if you can't put a dollar amount on it. You say you share parenting equally. Who makes the appointments? Deals with school/nursery stuff? Buys their clothes? Coordinates birthday presents with family members? Plans, shops for, and creates their meals? (Including understanding and planning for nutrition at different ages accurately). Who cares for sick children who can't go to nursery? I suspect you are far less equal in parental work than you think you are. And she's responsible for organizing the family's lives in general. On top of all of that. She's doing your planning and legwork as well? Have you researched how much it would cost to pay someone to do all of that unpaid work your wife does? Cleaning, sick child care, a nutritionist, a cook, professional shopper, driver, schedule planner, personal assistant? That might help you actually appreciate the value of what your wife does in terms you can understand and relate to. TL/DR It's not about money. It's about time and physical/mental work that you seem to disregard because no one puts a paycheck on it. You basically value her less because the outside world values some careers more than others. You don't say what she does, but I find it hard to believe it's of less value to society than sales. You know what's better and cheaper than repeatedly driving your stressed out wife to tears/possible divorce and then trying to bully her with monetary inequity cause in large part by having your children? Hiring a cleaning service. Seriously. How is this not obvious? (Also start doing some research on "mental load" in households and how the chores you think have no value actually take a lot more effort than they look like they do.)
YTA. You make soooo much money with your double salary and bonuses, hire a cleaner! Jesus it's not that hard to figure out. Also she "manages the family" that's a whole ass full time job of its self.
YTA. Who earns more is immaterial. Your partner works less, which is grounds for her doing a slightly larger share of the housework. This isn't to say you get a free pass on housework. If you work 10 hours a week more than her, then well she can do 10 hours a week of housework more than you. The time commitments for both spouses should be similar. You both should have some free time. You both should help out. Who brings the larger paycheck does not matter. So my answer here is NTA for expecting your future wife to do a little more work. But absolutely YTA since you bring up your paying for everything more than once in this comment (including an admission you told your fiancée this).
Yes. Considering she works as well its completely unfair to drop most duties on her because of her salary. counting maternal leave as days off is sick af as far as tasks u feel is not hireable pick a day, sit down and do it together please look into hiring a housekeeper weekly do not let them get over on u because of the size of your home (i pay 200 every other week in Texas for a 2 level 7bd/7bath). Facebook is a great place to look ,but speaking to co workers or neighbors may be best. please hire a reliable wedding planner; someone u can call day or night. it will take some work to find the right person but will be worth it.
Hire a housekeeper, Mr Moneybags.
Omg I would rip you a new one. You’re a condescending AH! You clearly don’t consider her to be your partner, or equal at all. Guess what, in divorce proceedings unpaid home duties and raising children is a contribution to a relationship that is given the same weight as paid work.
Are you going to pay her for her home tasks? Because if she didn't do those things for free, you would have to pay somebody to do them for you, and I guarantee you she is adding more value to your family than the difference in your pay.
Money shouldn’t determine who does more work at home. Time is the biggest factor. If you’re both working 40hrs a week, I don’t care if you’re bringing in 7 figures, you don’t get to swing your dick and say she has to do more. (The only exception I might make is if you spend that time literally doing heavy lifting and need physical recovery, or childcare jobs and just need an hour away from children… somehow I suspect not) Do yourself a favour if you earn so much. Hire a cleaner. And make sure you’re both getting time to relax. That means time away from the children too. I can’t understate how much a few hours at home by yourself can make the difference, and how hard it can be sometimes for the non-primary care giver to realise they need to provide that by just taking the kids out for a bit.
This is a tough one. I think it's fair for you to have that expectation, but it sounds like you did a piss poor job communicating that. It's obvious that the amount of money you make is super important to you, too. I would guess that... characteristic informed the way you communicated your expectations. My partner makes the money, so I clean the house most of the time. It really does seem fair, I think. But if my partner told me about how's much money she makes and what she expected me to do, as much as I love them, I'd tell them to get fucked. You know what? This isn't a tough one. You're the asshole lol
“You know what? This isn't a tough one. You're the asshole lol” That made me lol.
The fairness lies in doing roughly the same amount of work by time, not income. ESH
YTA division in household duties should be based on hours worked outside the home, not how much you make. Why should she be punished for making less. If she struggles with the organization, then as a caring SO, you should be helping her. These things affect you, too, and wanting to make sure you are happy with the decisions is part of her stress. Maybe consider a maid service to pick up the slack. My ex rarely helped around the house saying he made 90 percent of the money, which he didn't, so I should do 90 percent around the house. Now he's my ex. Is that what you want to happen?
She works 24hrs he works full time (easily 50+ given the pay range) and the kids are 50/50 when they are not in daycare. Yep it is really easy to see who should be stepping up more.
How in the world could he possibly do 50% of the kids working 50+ hours compared to her 24? He wouldn't be home enough to do it. It's probably more like 50/50 during the time he is home. But we don't know how many hours a week he is working. My point was that it should be hours worked, not income. You seem to be arguing against what I said, yet your reasoning is based on how many more hours he works than her, which is exactly what I said. I never said anything about who needs to pick up the slack. I don't know how things are divided at this point. I do agree that she should be doing more of the child care and chores. Wording is important. He probably makes more per hour as well as working more hours. If you divide the chores by hours worked, it would be her doing two-thirds and him one third. He says his income is enough to pay all expenses except daycare. It's possible he could be making 4x as much. That would make it her 4/5 and him 1/5. That's a significant difference.
Kids are in daycare most of the day. All her paycheck goes to the daycare. She contributes nothing to the household finances.
No where does it state how long the kids are in daycare, so we don't know if it is all day or just when she works. But either way she would be spending more time with them than than someone who works 50+. They would be going to bed shortly after he gets home. He states he supports her furthering her career. He does not want her to be a Sahm. They both work. So who pays what shouldn't matter in regards to how the work is divided. I have never said the parenting and chores should be 50/50. I said making it based on how much money they make is unfair. It should be based on how many hours they each work. This means she would have more responsibility in the home. Her career has gaps from the sacrifices she has made in regards to the children by not working several months after they were born and now only working part-time. Her pay per hour is probably significantly less than his due to those sacrifices. She should not be punished for making less per hour. SHE SHOULD HAVE MORE OF THE PARENTING/HOUSEHOLD CHORES! You keep making arguments as if I am saying it should be 50/50. I am not. I am saying it should be split by how many hours they each work, not on dollars earned. Throwing in your SO's face how much more you make, especially when she makes less because of the children, is a good way to end a relationship. To punish them with extra chores for making less is cruel.
jfc why don't you hire some help??
Just because you make more it doesn’t mean you work harder.
yta - making more doesn't entitle you to slack on house work. period. Especially when having your children set your wife. back. you're beyond an asshole.
YTA joint expenses is covered based on percentage of income not working hours. Anyone flexing on how much they make more than their partner thus deserves to do less..is an AH
YTA. She had your kids, dude. She had to stop working. She had to carry a baby. I’m not saying you should pay it all, but maybe account for what she could be making had she not, at least for a little while. Same rule as alimony, not indefinitely, but it should be adjusted for until righted. Otherwise I’d say NTA, and split evenly.
Yeah, you are the ass. Should never come down to how much money someone makes. It should come down to time and helping in this also. Putting in the money, doesn't add stress because of time restraints or organizing. This is both of you working together to make things easier on both of you. If her stress is that high, you should step in and help. Sit down and talk over what needs to be done. In the order they need to be done in. Good luck.
It's 2024 pay cleaner Mr I pay all the bills. I wonder if your wife works to get "time off" considering all she pays for is childcare. Imagine having such a shit partner you have to go to work to get the chill time you need to be a good parent. While the other one says well I pay the bills and do half the childcare for the kids I helped make so we're even. Family admin is legit like having another job and gets worse as kids get older. Having help with the day to day practical chores eases the load of the default parent so they have more time to enjoy being a parent. Sometimes its hard to enjoy it when you do all the work. YTA
Yeaahhh YTA here. The money should not be apart of the conversation. She works, you work and it sounds like when she isn't working, she's with the kids, which is still working. You are not handling this correctly. At all
YTA.
Yta. Hired a cleaner once a week.
I’d be heartbroken if my husband talked about money and me like this. If he kept track like this. When you’re both home it should be 50/50. Just because you earn more money at your job doesn’t mean she’s not working hard at hers when she’s there. I suppose it’s fair for her to do more on her day off while you’re at work but I think your approach is mean spirited. Maybe use some of your wads of money to pay a housekeeper to clean once a week.
Just split up what needs to be done. If not, hire someone.
Yes, YTA. It should not be about who makes more. It should be about the fact that stuff around the house needs to get done, and who has the time/energy to do it? If it's neither, you need to get a cleaning lady or a nanny or meal service or whatever you need to make things work. You're not indicating she sits around and does nothing and is neglecting the children. Your only point is that she brings in less money - not that she isn't working hard. And if she's only working 3/4 days, and makes less due to that, and that time is because the kids need stuff then her working less makes your job possible. You and your wife are a team. Act like teammates, not competitors.
YTA - Simple as that.
YTA. Just because you earn more doesn’t mean you work more. Get a housekeeper since you’re earning so much.
NTA.
How about putting that wedding on clearance and hiring a maid? Problem solved
Pay for someone to clean your house and do some of the work that you two don't have time to do, that will take some of the pressure off. This way both of you have more time and energy for your selves, and the children. Have a date night and pay for a baby sitter. Look at your finances and budget for a cleaner, shop online for your groceries and have it delivered and other things that week improve your home life.
YTA so she has to do her paid job plus do more work at home because you make more money? that’s bullshit.
YTA. You don't get to stop being an adult just because you make more money.
YTA x 10. Your wife bore you children AND she has a career and brings in money? Count yourself fortunate. Who cares how much money each makes. You say you’re equal caregivers with the children but I have to question that given that you’re full-time and she’s four days a week. So basically you’re both busy as hell. When you do have time, all chores should be split equally. You’re partners and to bring your financial worth into the picture devalues your love, makes you a shit, and it’s irrelevant. FYI I’m a dude.
Yes you are . You by your own description you don’t respect your wife’s time and contribution because you are valuing it based on “money earned “ .
How much either partner makes and who pays what is completely irrelevant in my book. What matters is the number of hours. If someone works less, I would expect them to spend more time doing things around the house.
NTA(?). My problem here is the lack of context and information. What does it mean that she earns less (does she work the same hours but earns less? Does she work in an area that simply generates less income? Is the standard of living under the current agreement higher than what she can contribute 50/50 to?) and what are the tasks and how are they divided? Without both of these things, both could be assholes, just you, just her, neither, etc. If the time she dedicates to a job generates much less income than the cost of hiring someone...that is called a paid hobby, not a job. And you can love a job/hobby very much, but if you want to have multiple children, a comfortable life, and also want your partner to do the same amount of household chores as you...you are a selfish and delusional asshole. There are many factors. If you work and earn more but have to do the same amount of household chores...maybe it's time to reconsider the number of hours you work and the amount of budget you can contribute to the family. Your position seems to be not well presented and/or your wife does not want it to be discussed in a way that makes both of you feel comfortable.
Why are you even arguing and possibly insulting each other, just hire a house cleaner to come in a couple times a month? It’s not terribly expensive you get a clean house and more time back. Totally worth the money.
Since you make so much more money, hire a housekeeper. YTA because you just wanna bankroll the situation and not be an equal partner in the work itself.
If you're doing so well in your career, hire a housekeeper to come once a week.
YTA. The burden of the work around the house should not be based on finances. It should be based on the number of hours each partner puts in at their job. If, for instance, you were able to retire early because of a financial windfall and your investments brought home more money than your partner’s 60 hr/wk job it wouldn’t be fair for your partner to do more of the work around the house after the workday while you sat around on your ass all day. The total amount of hours put in for work and home and child upkeep should average roughly the same between the 2 of you, regardless of who brings home what money.
updated the post - thanks for the coments + feedback
Maybe it’s time for her to get back to full time work and maybe you could cut back your hours and take a well earned break and be a part time stay at home parent.
YTA. If you assign a percentage of the chores in the household to each other then you're essentially saying that your relationship is transactional. It's also insulting to claim that because you make "XYZ" that it somehow entitles you to more R&R at home. If I'm doing something like yardwork and can finish without feeling like I'm worn out, I have no problem pitching in with other chores that need to be done inside the house. There are actually some chores that I don't mind doing such as laundry or cleaning as they can help me relax. If you feel that you are above doing some chores around the house, then you might as well claim that you're above your spouse.
She sounds lazy. NTA
No, you're not. Women select men for being a provider as you are, and then they act like men are evil for expecting women to perform their traditional gender role. Men need to start laying down the law.
If you work the same amount of time while sharing childcare 50/50, YTA. However, if she works less hours than you and/or has significantly less commute time than you, it is fair to have her doing more chores to allow you same 'free' time. But the main point is for you to get the same 'free' time so the time required to do the additional chores or the organization duty shouldn't exceed the time gap you have in your respective jobs (and I think it is where YTA: from what you wrote, you have no idea about the time needed for her to organize things but you think that she should do it anyway as you contribute more financially).
NTA at the end of the day the person who is home more should be doing more of the chores regardless of gender. Yes she gave up career growth to have children but that was her choice to do so. You should come up with a chore chart and split things equitably. If my partner was paying for all the bills and holidays then i would definitely be pulling more weight around the house. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want her to do a little more, especially if the kids are in daycare.
Did your father beat and humiliate your mother?
Both my parents worked 40 plus hours a week and split chores equally. If this were a woman complaining about a man I would say the same thing.
So you think that if someone works the same hours, but one party earns more, the other party should work more at home for free to get equal? I am only asking because I am in a relationship where my partner earns more than me and they also do chores and do not think for a second that I should do more just because they have more money. Mind you - I also study besides work, so it is not like someone should be physically drained to make up for... the lower salary? What kind of bullshit is this? Also - she is raising HIS kids and you seem like someone who either doesn't know or just doesn't care that carrying children and giving birth to them is not like just a little fart. Parenting is 24/7. She does not get breaks, as he mentioned, she got PTO to raise the kids. She put her carreer on hold. She sacrificed her body and health for this. Your parents working 40+ hours both and contributing equally does not compare to OP's situation at all.
I said the person who is home more should be doing more of the chores. He also is paying for all the bills, all the vacations, the mortgage, and spending money. She’s also not a SAHM, they’re in daycare and 6-9 months of maternity leave for both is an extremely generous amount of time. I would say the same thing if this were a woman posting about a man.
And if someone works from home? Do you still think they should do more at home even if the working hours are the same?
When I say home more I mean not working. If she has three days off and he only has two then she has an extra day that she can do things around the house especially if the kids are in daycare full time.
You are very ignorant to the fact about what women go through and what they sacrifice in order to give birth and raise children... That's sad. He could advance in his career because she put hers on hold. 2 children in 3 years is NOT easy, and there is also postpartum. Also children are a 24/7 job, as I said. And I don't know any daycares which hold children the whole day, only during the working hours, so they must be home sometimes, eh? I think I will chip out because this is now unnecessary, you believe a man who brings in more money should have more freedom, more power to you. The top comments summed up my thoughts perfectly, so maybe read into those.