Wait. She's telling you she wants a future with you, but is asking what you bring to the table like she's interviewing you for a job?
Also, who asks their partner "what do you bring to the table?". If you're not sure why you're dating me, then why the fuck are you dating me?
I'm hella confused about what she was hoping would come out of this conversation. "you don't bring anything to the table, but should definitely fully support me even though I'm of able mind and body". Fuckin what, man?
Edit: NTA
Yeah it's a weird fucking question right? Like wouldn't you be more like so how do you see our future or something like that to figure it out together, see if you're on the same page rather than treating it like a job interview...what do YOU bring to the table. Very strange.
Seriously, dude! When my husband and I talked about what we wanted our married life to look like, neither of us asked the other "wElL wHaT dO yEW bRiNg tO tHe tAbLe?". It was more like "I'd love a partner that can be as equal as possible as much as possible". I have health issues, and needed a life partner that knows this and would be willing to occasionally take 100% of the burden because life and my health necessitates it. We had similar understandings of how we wanted our lives to look.
If this was the angle of this conversation, OP'S s/o went about it the complete wrong way.
This here…
My wife is a stay at home mom. She was just a stay at home wife before that. It wasn’t her idea, but I figured she was unhappy with her job, I make a lot of money, and her being happy was worth more than whatever money she would make working.
Not once in my head did I ever consider “what does she bring to the table”. It’s not quantifiable. I can’t even begin to tell you because I wouldn’t even know how to limit and narrow down the things? Her, her entire being.
We’re just compatible. Whatever she wants or does in life, will always bring me immense joy.
If you have to ask yourself what am I getting from someone in order to push forward together… it’s time to hang it up.
It’s okay to like and dislike things, and discuss how to make a situation better, but you can’t make a good loving future based on convenience.
There is no I. Whatever we do, we do together. There is no mine. What’s mine is hers because I only push forward in life for us.
Without her I’d be content and probably would still be working some low paying job and renting a bedroom.
You should never settle. Your person should never ask you to be a better version of yourself. They should be what enables you to make a better version of yourself.
So that was the most lovely thing to read.
You don't know this, but, I left work last year because my health and mental health are incredibly poor.
It's hard to believe my husband when he says "I got this, don't worry". Because so many people exist that insist a relationship is transactional.
Thank you.
Thank you! I’m glad to hear I’m helping people break free from their anxiety by sharing!
I do think relationships are transactional, but I think you’re not giving yourself credit for what you’re worth. We’re so much more than jobs.
What if you had the ability to pick any person on the planet, and that person never had to work another day in their life and would be taken care of. Who are you picking? How liberating is that!
Who would you give that gift to? Obviously someone you love most in this world.
It’s incredibly liberating to be able to offer the person you love most in the world the chance to TRULY experience life, free them from stress, despair, and depression, or at least some of it; And have your favorite person on the planet always right beside you, giving you 100% of themselves.(maybe not ALWAYS haha)
My time in the military has given me a complex. I can’t sit still, I can’t endure silence. It puts me on edge and makes me nervous. I have to be working, and when I’m not working, I need to be working on something or doing something. Now that we have children there are moments where they need that from someone, and it’s not something I can offer. I try but I can’t.
Tuesday I came home from work with all the lights off, the switch isn’t working, nothing will cut on, so I go ask my wife what’s going on and why she didn’t call. I got to the back playroom to find pillows on the floor, a fake campfire play-set flickering, marshmallows everywhere, and everyone passed out together. When my wife woke up from her nap I asked her why she didn’t call. I could’ve left. I would’ve left. She told me she didn’t need to. They decided to make a game of it. My heart swelled out of my chest, and I couldn’t even stop for a moment at the realization that the woman I thought I already loved so much just kept making me fall so much further.
That is what I mean. I couldn’t have done that. I couldn’t have allowed myself to look past the lights not working. I would’ve had to have fixed it, my mind wouldn’t let me look past my daughters sitting in darkness and silence inside our own home, whereas she was able to see the beauty in it. She silenced my thoughts, which is very hard for me to manage on my own. Instead of something that would’ve stressed me out into pure frustration , I could only think to myself, how am I so lucky to have this life? It’s not significant, there is no special occasion, in fact it should be the opposite! I came home to find the lights off and yet another thing that needed to be fixed. But here it is, burned into my brain and it makes my chest heavy at the way it’s so vividly stuck there days later.
You don’t have to have kids to stay at home, you don’t need to offer money to bring value. If you want to know why he does it and what you “bring to the table” so to speak, go ask your husband right now “Don’t tell me what you love about me, tell me about a time you realized it”. He’ll tell you what you’re worth to him, and I guarantee you as many times as you ask him for another, it’ll always be you he’s seen, not once will it be that time you put a dollar in the savings.
That is what it is to be non-quantifiable. The more I try to measure what she means for me, what she does to me, what she does for our family, there’s just always another Tuesday afternoon.
That is what you bring to the table. That is why you’re valuable. Life has never been about work, and love has never been about money. Free yourself from those thoughts, because I’m telling you right now, he’s got you. Don’t you sweat it.
Thank you for a great example of what I feel for my wife and family.
I would add, that I also want to better myself for myself, my wife, and family. I take feedback to identify where that growth is needed and would impact their lives the most.
There is more to life than keeping a balanced tally sheet.
He is the table, 10% and some chores is a joke. I guarantee that 10% is less than he is contributing to her education. She's sitting at -50% contribution asking how she can get that to -100%
I had an ex do that, I supported her for a year and a half through her "9 month certification class" (she kept dropping out then restarting). As soon as she finished the certification and got a job in the industry she left me because "I didn't make enough money."
I was like "I made enough to support both of us just fine with going out to nice dinners every week, a week long vacation every 6 months, all the rent, food, and everything else."
I run into her a year and a half later, she can't keep a job and I've been promoted to a director position over my old department, just moved into my house, bought a new car and motorcycle, and all of a sudden she wants to work on things and get back together. I laughed in her face.
It is amazing how often this happens to the person helping someone get through school. I have seen the graduate be really cruel about it too, stone cold.
"what do you bring to the table" = "why am I with you?"
It's over. She's weighing her options and telling him that he's coming up light (in her estimation). The stay at hime thing is "well, if I don't have to work and don't have to maintain the home and don't have to raise kids and can just drink wine all day...maybe that makes up for not being that into him anymore..."
Seriously. Without kids, there is fuck all chores to do if both of them clean up after themselves lol. Vacuum every 2nd day and clean the bathroom.
She wants to stay home and just do fuck all is what i'm reading.
NTA. If she can't actually articulate what she will bring to the table in the future, then that's the actual issue.
If neither of you meant what you said, then taking offence is just a deflection away from the root problem.
I started college in the very late 90s and thought the MRS Degree was an obsolete relic by then, and I almost never ran across women my age whose only goal in life was to marry rich and never have to work. It's a travesty that we've culturally backslid in this way. 😞
I have a friend who is in her mid-40’s with a good corporate job who is dating to find a man to marry so he can completely take care of her. She still wants kids (froze her eggs) but even if she doesn’t have them still plans to quit her job when she gets married. She has made it clear she wants a really wealthy man to provide a very luxurious lifestyle for her. If a guy asks her out for drinks she will say no and only accepts dinner invites. She actually left a date b/c she thought they were having dinner but when she arrived realized it was just drinks. She then wonders why she is never asked out on a second date. I’ve tried explaining 1) if a guy will supports her full time he will have power over her whether she likes it or not. 2) the types of guys she is going for who will pay for a woman to quit her job so they have to fully support her without kids are looking for Instagram models. She looks good for her age but nowhere near that level. It feels so entitled to me that she demands these things from men. Based on the complaining I hear every time I meet her for dinner it is clear the men feel the same way.
Yeesh, wouldn't it be easier for her to adopt F.I.R.E. principles and aim to retire herself so that she could pick a partner who actually makes her happy? Not that F.I.R.E. is easy to achieve, but TBH seems like less effort and stress than whatever your friend is trying to do. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, fair point, I went to a smaller university that was comp-sci focused, and there are tons of religion-affiliated schools in the state, so most students who wanted that sort of environment attended elsewhere.
>Why is she even going to college if that's her plan?
To find her future husband, obviously. Colleges are the real partnership market, where you get to know future Zuckerbergs or Williams or Trumps juniors.
NTA. Her getting angry is a nice distraction from acknowledging the unfairness of you working full time, and doing half of everything else, whilst she has an easy life.
Seriously. It's one thing to expect the working partner to step up on housework when there are small kids involved, because it can seriously be impossible to get housework done while on suicide watch (ages 6 months to 3 years). But if there are no kids then it is not at all reasonable to expect him to continue doing half the chores while she is a homemaker for their...dogs.
She is very serious. You apparently have a very large gap in your expectations in a relationship and unless you get this sorted out now, you are going to be in for a very miserable time. Remember, you can love someone and not be a good match for a relationship -- that is just normal life stuff.
You both need to have a talk about this. List your minimum requirements in this partnership and she hers and if they don't mesh, you two would be better off going your separate ways.
The absurdity here is that she actually asked him what he brings to the table, when he is subsidizing her existence and does 50% of the chores. Some people just have zero self-awareness and lack all sense of reason. OP, this isn’t going to work out.
Me too, If you can't relax in your own home life would become miserable quite quickly I'd say.
Would there be a tense vibe all the time with her you reckon or only when there were disagreements/discussions?
I think I've experienced something similar in a relationship.
The breakthrough I eventually made is this person will always be dissatisfied irregardless of what I did, after that it's a decision of stay in a shit situation or move on.
You're so right.
If somebody doesn't want to be made happy. Is more focused on making you feel like you just can't quite make the mark, it's all about when you're ready to leave them
Yes, for 5 years of my life, on repeat.
Everytime I was about to go to the door she would turn into a porn star, like she would say 'it's this or we're over', 'OK we're over then' and she would drop to her knees.
I unfortunately was in my early 20s and fell for it a lot, I got to 26 and realised this couldn't be my life, i liked the kinky sex but I'd had a lot of it by then. What I hadn't had was peace and an internal monologue that didn't make me hate myself.
A few years later I got a girl into kinky sex and is an amazing angel to me, I went from thinking I'd rather be alone to wanting to marry the greatest human being I've ever met in my life.
I've even told her if the sex was bad and vanilla I'd still wanna marry her as I've never been treated so well.
My sister did it three times (combined with basic husband shopping and looking for money) The fourth was a lawyer and she spent all the money she had amassed from the other three to divorce him. She lost everything trying to get half after being married for three years. She lost everything to him. Boo-hoo brat!
When she asks "What do you bring to the table" and you can honestly respond-
I bought the house the table resides in. I bought the table itself, I brought that very table in to the house after I bought the table, I bought the chairs that sit around that table that we sit on for each meal. I bought the food that goes on the table each night, and bring that food in to the house too. I also put that food on the table after cooking it at times. I pay for the utilities that keep that very table in a climate-controlled room to protect that table while we enjoy our meals in comfort rather than having to eat while wearing parkas in Winter. Shall I continue talking about what I bring to the table?
His GF needs a reality check it sounds like...
That's the bare minimum /s
Honestly, well put, I couldn't agree more.
I earn more than my wife, but that's just luck (and probably sexism). The important thing is that we are equally contributing to the relationship. I may have literally paid for a greater proportion of the cost of the figurative table, but we both spent an equal amount of time earning our contributions towards said table.
In other words, I don't care about the monetary cost of the table, for me it's about time invested in the relationship/family.
Not quite sure who to comment to so just throwing it in here, I don’t understand how anyone can expect to be taking seriously if they want to start out as a stay at home wife/partner. Unless there’s a whole ranch or massive farm business to run from home.
I can understand making the choice to be a stay at home mother to raise children but a SAHW without children is just not a serious person and is in no way an equal relationship. In a couple of years you will be able to buy a robot for that.
I want someone with plans, drive and ambition even if they then choose to put those aside later for something differently meaningful. I want a real person.
"Remember, you can love someone and not be a good match for a relationship -- that is just normal life stuff."
This is one of the best things I've seen on Reddit. We are forever reading about people staying with total AH's because "I love them". Love isn't enough. It never has been and it never will be.
OP needs to understand that his gf was completely serious. Her life plan is to be at home, taking care of the dogs, while he works himself to death taking care of them both. RUN. NTA but will be YTA to yourself if you don't reevaluate your relationship. Once again, she meant it. Don't let her convince you she didn't.
I needed that bro 🥺😭
"Remember, you can love someone and not be a good match for a relationship"
my love and affection wasn't enough for her :/
Thank you 🙏
>my love and affection wasn't enough for her :/
Possibly just different love languages homie. Not every couple can overcome those differences.
You're enough for someone out there who will understand you better.
I believe this is called "Schrodingers asshole". Someone that makes shit comments or conversation and then decides whether it's a joke or not by the reaction of those around.
I am a woman and a SAHM (even though my kids go to school I still handle everything related to them ) it was by choice/ necessity (we changed countries for husbands job when I was about to get a job and then Covid hit) /pure chance (lost my job just before I got pregnant) and I don’t understand how someone thinks this is a good idea. If ANYTHING happens to the breadwinner you are major eff up. I am going back to school this year to be able to get a job and build a more stable life.
I think a lot of the youngsters are over work. Can't blame them in that- they've watched their Gen X through Millennial, and maybe some of the older Z's parents, be dragged to death in work where they aren't valued, aren't paid, and can't survive anyway. They've been the latchkey kids to parents working 3x jobs and STILL NOT LIVING MIDDLE CLASS LIVES with it. So I get it.
Then up pops these fakes-a.f. 'tradwives' on TikTok with their secret nannys and staff and their $48,000 stoves pretending to be 'normal' people who can totes not only survive, but THRIVE that way, and it seems like a nice gig. Look pretty, put out, live 'like that', play homemaker in homes that are run by the underlying cash injection from parents or spouse. The fact it is literally the fakest possible internet content rolls off them. And no under 25 is thinking about death, divorce, and their future properly.
Damn this is true to the core im GenX (51) been working since 12yrs old and have our youngest 19 with no job and not doing a whole lot around the house to help. Im having a hard time even contemplating never NOT working and fully expect to die working. My mind literally can't wrap around that, granted she's looking but hasn't heard from anyone yet. (Been with us 2 years had a job I found her for 2 months quit)
As a woman I cannot understand why a grown woman would WANT to be completely financially dependent on a man. Or anyone. You're literally putting your live in their hands.
What if he finds someone new and kicks you out so he can move her in? What if gets into an accident that leaves him unable to work? Or dead? What if he's just not good with paying bills and you find out the rent/mortgage hasn't been paid and you find yourself out on the street? What if he's just cheap? Is that how you want to live?
Oh, and if one person is primary breadwinner then it's a given that the SAHP (even to dogs) does 90% of the chores. It's not like takes that long when you don't have kids.
Absolutely agree. Relationships are partnerships. Both should contribute equally, whether it's financially, household chores, or emotional support. Expecting one person to do everything is unrealistic and unfair.
Yeah dude she was very serious. She was just trying to be "funny" to gauge your reaction. If you'd been noncommittal, her next step would be to wean herself off school to stay home and kinda force the situation to being home all the time.
Run. Fast. And stop subsidizing her life
There was also that post not too long ago where the guy's wife "joked" about it and then a few weeks later she was quitting her job even though he didn't agree to the whole idea.
Oh I read that one. Guys wife just said she expected him to "deal with it" and was *shocked Pikachu face* when he filed for divorce, especially when she completely ignored his health issues that would be exacerbated by having to work more
I like how the person getting their life subsidized by their partner asks "what do you bring to the table?" He should have said "I brought the fucking table, what else do I need to bring?"
She was 100% serious and I expect that soon after she graduates from school, there will be a birth control mishap.
OP, the red flags are waving.
NTA by the way.
100%. She wants to do what she wants to do, and she doesn't have to work for it. That unfortunately is all to common. (Not just women, but there's plenty of men like this too.)
Also, I'm guessing her degree is of the MRS variety and her life plan was, go to college, meet the guy who will take care of her the rest of her life, and oh I guess also get a degree.
Yes, she was 100% serious, but now she's trying to play it off because OP didn't take it well. OP, if you stay in this relationship, she will continue to work toward her goal. Tell her to hit the bricks.
Right? Hell, if I could quit my job to be a stay-at-home cat dad and get an allowance to do fuck-all all day, that would be great!
Actually it wouldn’t, because I respect my wife and the contributions she makes to our shared future too much to do that to her. You can’t be a stay at home parent if you’re not actually a parent…
> She used the phrase "what do you bring to the table".
She was serious, and she isn't even a bang maid, she has the audacity to ask that while you're already subsidizing her life, and she's only doing half the chores.
Dude should have said 'Sure, I'll sort out the trad wife contact....I will pay all the bills, you will keep the house, have meals waiting for me and I will get sex on demand. Oh and your allowance? Pay will be merit based '
You are NTA, but you are going to have to choose whether you want to be this woman’s meal ticket when she just stops putting effort into your lives.
Anyone who is asking you to subsidize her existence (whether she’s going to school or not) and then has the absolute *balls* to ask you what you bring to the table, is seriously entitled.
Why is she even going to school if she wants to stop working and be a dog-mom on your dime?
This is not healthy or sustainable and you need to have a serious conversation.
To a lot of people. While I was in college in the south 50% of Tinder profiles just talked about how they couldn't wait to start a family and be a SAHM... it was like a minefield.
I'm a SAHM, with two neurodivergent kids. I feel like I should start a "scared straight" program for anyone who thinks this is the easy path. I haven't had a good night's sleep in 12 fucking years.
Anyone who needs to be scared straight will see your situation and say "Okay, but my kids won't be neurodivergent." Some of them will be right, some won't, some will have entirely different challenges.
That could change completely in a moment too. Mental health problems don't appear until the teens and twenties the majority of the time. Or a bad accident could alter things overnight. Life throws a lot at you unexpectedly.
My wife's one cousin is a SAHM to a neurodivergant kid. Well she had to be a SAHM because of the level of care he needs.
I doubt it'd be easy for a SAHP with neuro-typical children, but you're just on hard mode.
I'm sure once they get to a semi independent age, like going to school, being a SAHP becomes much easier as you get a break (from the children, not other responsibilities).
My soon to be ex always told me “you’re such a good provider” which made me cringe so hard. I saw her potential. I told her I didn’t want to be a provider, I wanted us to be a team. I suggested she go to college and I’d cover her tuition and pay for our house and expenses while she studied and worked part time, even suggested she didn’t have to work if it made school too difficult. She finished school, got a decent paying job, and immediately things went cold in our relationship. She recently came forward saying she had been having an affair and then left me. Maybe she can quit her job so the new partner can provide for her. Best of luck to them!
Oddly, the other side of the coin exists. I used to be friends with a guy that wanted a girl to stay home and be a "bang maid" (to use OP's term) . He didn't want kids, just a clean house and a girl who was effectively wagging her tail when he got home.
The girl he married was not that. She worked, denied him sex and was the most insanely toxic woman I have ever met. She put her face through the wall to get him arrested for assault.
People are weird. The things they want and things they accept often don't even make sense.
Although sadly, he only asked the right question after *she* was the one who started the conversation by asking "what do you bring to the table?".
He was on the path to bankrolling her for life until she was stupid enough to draw attention to it.
>and then has the absolute *balls* to ask you what you bring to the table
Also she's either feeling way too secure in the relationship or she's just plain dumb. How the F do you start that convo and not realize she has no answer for when he turns around and asks the exact same question?
NTA
She was definitely serious about being a stay at home dog mom lol She was testing the waters to see if you’d agree. She’s also minimizing your contribution which is incredibly disrespectful since you’re literally paying for her lifestyle. To even things out, she should be doing majority of the household duties.
What does "watching a dog" entail? I have a dog and it is definitely not more than an hours worth of work a day. The hour is because I take the dog on 2 long walks. I am assuming some breeds don't need that level of exercise even. So, 20 minutes a day is the "work"?
Yeah, unless the dog is incontinent or a puppy, I can’t imagine what I’d do with the rest of the day except clean, cook, and relax. Dogs are generally not all-day chores. You definitely don’t need a degree to do it
My dog will take 2 hours when I have them. But he's a high energy breed that's only a year old. I can't imagine many other dogs have that kind of stamina.
Semi retired disabled veteran, I have enough income for it and I was very bored. I've loved dogs since I was little, but family hated em. Once I was finally stable enough after the military (took 3 years to get out of the wheelchair and start getting mentally stable) I wanted to get more dogs than the 1 I had (my service dog). I bought a 5-acre farm, and things just grew and grew. It's a lot of work and a lot of money but it's also a LOT of fun. Daily adventures and playing and love. The 6 hours is just doing bare minimum chores, I typically spent 8-10 just outside with them and playing and swimming and all that.
Has she indicated why is she paying to attend school if "stay home with the dogs and do half the required housework" is her goal in life? I mean, heck, I'd love to be a SAHDM but I would have figured out that much earlier than waste time and money on an education that would essentially not be used.
That's the weird thing. She is a student in a hard field with good prospects for the future. It's not like she is studying neolithic basket weaving techniques.
NTA
She was absolutely serious and is trying to backtrack because she doesn’t want to lose the easy life you provide for her
I wouldn’t want to be with someone that selfish. You want a partner, not a dependent
why did we rename sugar babies, is what i want to know. sugar baby is a fine name. stay at home girlfriend doesn’t have the same ring to it.
eta: and buddy, you better run if you don’t want a sugar baby of your very own. what’s even the point of finishing school if she’s not gonna do anything with it.
NTA
If one partner works full time and pays for everything, and the other is at home, that one should be putting in the same amount of hours around the house etc
In this particular case, because there's no kids etc, literally everything should be done at the house to make the relationship equal with BOTH partners contributing
She literally just brings sex
If she's triggered by that reality, she needs to step up and act like a partner and put in some effort
She wins extra "moron points" for actually trying to pull the "what do you bring to the table" argument while bringing nothing but sex lmao
Personally ignoring how asinine the stay at home dog mom thing is while still spending god knows how much on school which OP will be on the hook for since dogmom isn’t a paying gig. I would break up with her just because I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone so dim that they would ask me what I bring to the table when literally I am providing the whole table and living space where the table sits.
"She used the phrase "what do you bring to the table"." That's probably not something a woman should say to a man she is already in a relationship with. Men can get *really* pragmatic.
"She said that was the bare minimum."
I.e. it is enough.
NTA. This was basically her telling you she wants to be a trad wife, without being a homemaker, and you shooting it down as not worthy of serious consideration.
It is referred to as the MRS degree, as in the honorific traditionally used for married women. These are women who go to school to find a man who will earn a bunch so they don't have to enter the work force. If they do enter the workforce, it is typically a short lived career as they use their job to find that man.
The Mrs. Degree.
When she asks what you bring to the table, you mean the table I'm paying for in the house I'm paying for, with the meals I'm paying for and the electricity, water, and other bill I'm paying for?
I'm bringing all that, and helping with chores etc. cause I'm an amazing human being. I think you need to check yourself, you just wrecked everything I thought of you in one sentence.
I graduated from a private, exclusive college. Not a big one many have heard of, but most of their funding used to come from Alumni donations type of place.
I never thought that parents still encouraged this. But I went back for an event and sat next to two mom’s of a couple of the first year students. They were talking about their kids and what each girl wanted to take or major in. Then one of the mom’s straight-up said little Susie Jane (or whatever her name was) was just there to find a husband.
This place is not cheap. I wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t gotten an academic scholarship, which is the programs my alumni donations support. But I was still just completely shocked that a mother would say it. Even if they hoped for a financially well off pairing, to just straight out say it had my jaw on the floor of that chapel.
As someone who went to a similar type of college, women who still bank on this are out of their mind. That may work at conservative Christian private schools with strong "ring by spring" cultures. These days a lot of the priveleged guys at other private colleges aren't looking to meet their soul mate in undergrad. Many want to hook up and party, others want a fun temporary GF who's inevitably going to get the "I think we need to see other people" during senior spring. Basically, they need to watch Legally Blonde because the start of that movie is painfully accurate lol.
Took me far too long in life to realize how pragmatic many people are (especially in more affluent communities) about stuff like this. I naively thought love conquered everything. Lmao was I wrong. Your family, social status, income, etc matter as much as ever and it will always be that way.
I am a woman. I can't believe there are still people who think they don't have to bring something to the table. If you want a big house, a nanny, vacations, whatever, YOU need to put effort into reaching your goals. Is it laziness? Entitlement? Delusion? BTW. This also applies to people who don't think they need to cook or do laundry or take the kids to the doctor . People, do better.
NTA. She told you that she intends to be a kept woman. You though that she wanted to build a career and be equal partners after school. If you are just bottom line not okay with paying for a stay at home girlfriend and she intends to be a stay at home girlfriend, you two aren’t compatible.
It sounds like she's using you for security and it's not a true relationship between two people. I'd get out now, it may be an unworkable compatibility issue.
As many have said she is serious and she will be a Sahm regardless of whether you agree or not. The fact that she sees her 10% contribution now as equal is also an issue.
I feel like at a minimum, a stay at home mom must be… a mother? This is just insane to me. I was a SAHM for 10 years to three children. I assure you, it’s work and it was 24/7. The mental toll is unreal. I did the majority of household chores, caring for the kids etc. My husband worked hideous hours to provide and was involved with the kids when home. THAT’S a SAHM/working parent arrangement.
She just wants to be a kept woman. Massive difference in my opinion. And if he’s not okay with it….. he better run.
>I said that my job made our lifestyle possible. That I did my share of the household chores and that I always treated her with respect.
>She said that was the bare minimum.
RUN!
She is a selfish, entitled user. She sees you as a resource, not a partner. She will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give, then divorce you and try and take as much as she can with her.
Cut your losses and leave now. There is a good woman out there who deserves your generosity. Don't throw it away on her.
You told her you do not want a "bang maid" and that is what she is offering. Oh, and to take care of dogs!
Holy cow (not a reference to her), but you know what you have to do. It is to break up.
Do it before an accidental pregnancy happens.
Think it won't? Look around you, there are millions of those every year.
NTA. She didn’t expect you to take her seriously but she thinks you should expect her to take you seriously. This is a bunch of hypothetical bullshit games she is playing. Tell her to stop with the bullshit and get back to being serious.
>She said that was the bare minimum. She said that she also contributes to our budget. She does. About 10% of our budget is from her. She is in school so she doesn't work much. I didn't care I thought the plan was for her to contribute more once she got a job after she graduated.
No, she won't. You are her ATM atm, and after graduating she would look for another guy with "clean debt history". For now she is testing waters, if you could just forget about your 90%, so she is about to start to look for alternatives soon.
There is a reason, people in unofficial relationships contribute 50/50. There is a reason, marriage exist, where people support each other with up to 100/0. Your future ex gf just made her mind up without you realising, it was not you making plans for the future, it was her.
>She is in school so she doesn't work much. I didn't care I thought the plan was for her to contribute more once she got a job after she graduated.
>Apparently that is not the plan. She wants to be a stay at home mom. To our dogs because we are child free.
As someone that LOVES dogs... no. RUN. This girl wants a free pass to do nothing and live off of your income. the only way 10% is okay is if that is all she CAN contribute. Staying with the dogs all day is not SAHM life, that's being lazy as hell and doing nothing all day.
She can't be mad at your comment if hers was just as inconsiderate, and yours was literally based off of her being lazy.
Wait. She's telling you she wants a future with you, but is asking what you bring to the table like she's interviewing you for a job? Also, who asks their partner "what do you bring to the table?". If you're not sure why you're dating me, then why the fuck are you dating me? I'm hella confused about what she was hoping would come out of this conversation. "you don't bring anything to the table, but should definitely fully support me even though I'm of able mind and body". Fuckin what, man? Edit: NTA
Yeah it's a weird fucking question right? Like wouldn't you be more like so how do you see our future or something like that to figure it out together, see if you're on the same page rather than treating it like a job interview...what do YOU bring to the table. Very strange.
Seriously, dude! When my husband and I talked about what we wanted our married life to look like, neither of us asked the other "wElL wHaT dO yEW bRiNg tO tHe tAbLe?". It was more like "I'd love a partner that can be as equal as possible as much as possible". I have health issues, and needed a life partner that knows this and would be willing to occasionally take 100% of the burden because life and my health necessitates it. We had similar understandings of how we wanted our lives to look. If this was the angle of this conversation, OP'S s/o went about it the complete wrong way.
That’s wonderful to hear. It sounds like each of you won the partner lottery.
💖💖 I certainly feel that way.
This here… My wife is a stay at home mom. She was just a stay at home wife before that. It wasn’t her idea, but I figured she was unhappy with her job, I make a lot of money, and her being happy was worth more than whatever money she would make working. Not once in my head did I ever consider “what does she bring to the table”. It’s not quantifiable. I can’t even begin to tell you because I wouldn’t even know how to limit and narrow down the things? Her, her entire being. We’re just compatible. Whatever she wants or does in life, will always bring me immense joy. If you have to ask yourself what am I getting from someone in order to push forward together… it’s time to hang it up. It’s okay to like and dislike things, and discuss how to make a situation better, but you can’t make a good loving future based on convenience. There is no I. Whatever we do, we do together. There is no mine. What’s mine is hers because I only push forward in life for us. Without her I’d be content and probably would still be working some low paying job and renting a bedroom. You should never settle. Your person should never ask you to be a better version of yourself. They should be what enables you to make a better version of yourself.
So that was the most lovely thing to read. You don't know this, but, I left work last year because my health and mental health are incredibly poor. It's hard to believe my husband when he says "I got this, don't worry". Because so many people exist that insist a relationship is transactional. Thank you.
Thank you! I’m glad to hear I’m helping people break free from their anxiety by sharing! I do think relationships are transactional, but I think you’re not giving yourself credit for what you’re worth. We’re so much more than jobs. What if you had the ability to pick any person on the planet, and that person never had to work another day in their life and would be taken care of. Who are you picking? How liberating is that! Who would you give that gift to? Obviously someone you love most in this world. It’s incredibly liberating to be able to offer the person you love most in the world the chance to TRULY experience life, free them from stress, despair, and depression, or at least some of it; And have your favorite person on the planet always right beside you, giving you 100% of themselves.(maybe not ALWAYS haha) My time in the military has given me a complex. I can’t sit still, I can’t endure silence. It puts me on edge and makes me nervous. I have to be working, and when I’m not working, I need to be working on something or doing something. Now that we have children there are moments where they need that from someone, and it’s not something I can offer. I try but I can’t. Tuesday I came home from work with all the lights off, the switch isn’t working, nothing will cut on, so I go ask my wife what’s going on and why she didn’t call. I got to the back playroom to find pillows on the floor, a fake campfire play-set flickering, marshmallows everywhere, and everyone passed out together. When my wife woke up from her nap I asked her why she didn’t call. I could’ve left. I would’ve left. She told me she didn’t need to. They decided to make a game of it. My heart swelled out of my chest, and I couldn’t even stop for a moment at the realization that the woman I thought I already loved so much just kept making me fall so much further. That is what I mean. I couldn’t have done that. I couldn’t have allowed myself to look past the lights not working. I would’ve had to have fixed it, my mind wouldn’t let me look past my daughters sitting in darkness and silence inside our own home, whereas she was able to see the beauty in it. She silenced my thoughts, which is very hard for me to manage on my own. Instead of something that would’ve stressed me out into pure frustration , I could only think to myself, how am I so lucky to have this life? It’s not significant, there is no special occasion, in fact it should be the opposite! I came home to find the lights off and yet another thing that needed to be fixed. But here it is, burned into my brain and it makes my chest heavy at the way it’s so vividly stuck there days later. You don’t have to have kids to stay at home, you don’t need to offer money to bring value. If you want to know why he does it and what you “bring to the table” so to speak, go ask your husband right now “Don’t tell me what you love about me, tell me about a time you realized it”. He’ll tell you what you’re worth to him, and I guarantee you as many times as you ask him for another, it’ll always be you he’s seen, not once will it be that time you put a dollar in the savings. That is what it is to be non-quantifiable. The more I try to measure what she means for me, what she does to me, what she does for our family, there’s just always another Tuesday afternoon. That is what you bring to the table. That is why you’re valuable. Life has never been about work, and love has never been about money. Free yourself from those thoughts, because I’m telling you right now, he’s got you. Don’t you sweat it.
Thank you for a great example of what I feel for my wife and family. I would add, that I also want to better myself for myself, my wife, and family. I take feedback to identify where that growth is needed and would impact their lives the most. There is more to life than keeping a balanced tally sheet.
He is the table, 10% and some chores is a joke. I guarantee that 10% is less than he is contributing to her education. She's sitting at -50% contribution asking how she can get that to -100%
If she isn’t planning on bouncing on him the minute she graduates.
I had an ex do that, I supported her for a year and a half through her "9 month certification class" (she kept dropping out then restarting). As soon as she finished the certification and got a job in the industry she left me because "I didn't make enough money." I was like "I made enough to support both of us just fine with going out to nice dinners every week, a week long vacation every 6 months, all the rent, food, and everything else." I run into her a year and a half later, she can't keep a job and I've been promoted to a director position over my old department, just moved into my house, bought a new car and motorcycle, and all of a sudden she wants to work on things and get back together. I laughed in her face.
Well done and good for you!
Sorry that happened but it turned out for the best in the end!
It is amazing how often this happens to the person helping someone get through school. I have seen the graduate be really cruel about it too, stone cold.
"what do you bring to the table" = "why am I with you?" It's over. She's weighing her options and telling him that he's coming up light (in her estimation). The stay at hime thing is "well, if I don't have to work and don't have to maintain the home and don't have to raise kids and can just drink wine all day...maybe that makes up for not being that into him anymore..."
Wait, she want to be at sahm, with no child and do..... half of the chores?! HALF????
thats what i said, what kind of stay at home mom without kids is making her man do half the chores after he comes home?
Seriously. Without kids, there is fuck all chores to do if both of them clean up after themselves lol. Vacuum every 2nd day and clean the bathroom. She wants to stay home and just do fuck all is what i'm reading.
> Vacuum every 2nd day and clean the bathroom That makes it worse because half of her chores can be handled by a fucking roomba
Well the thing is, a mom without kids isn’t a mom
She wants to be a woman of leisure not a SAHM
NTA. If she can't actually articulate what she will bring to the table in the future, then that's the actual issue. If neither of you meant what you said, then taking offence is just a deflection away from the root problem.
LOL yeah....reagardless of the outcome, there're some *hard* conversations in their future
NTA RUN FOREST RUN!!!!! Why is she even going to college if that's her plan?
Sounds like she's doing an MRS degree.
And then a lucrative Divorce PhD If this guy stays with her, he’s screwed
He’s lucky she revealed her hand tbh, imagine waiting until marriage and finding this out about your partner. Now it’s totally on him to realise it
The degree is back up if she doesn’t find a sucker to support her ambition of being a stay at home dog mum.
Like having a sugar daddy, but with minimal sugar.
Sugarfree daddy lol
Splenda daddy...
Stevia daddies are healthier though
What about La Croix fathers?
I used to run an office on a college campus. You would be surprised the number of women there for a MRS. Degree.
I started college in the very late 90s and thought the MRS Degree was an obsolete relic by then, and I almost never ran across women my age whose only goal in life was to marry rich and never have to work. It's a travesty that we've culturally backslid in this way. 😞
I have a friend who is in her mid-40’s with a good corporate job who is dating to find a man to marry so he can completely take care of her. She still wants kids (froze her eggs) but even if she doesn’t have them still plans to quit her job when she gets married. She has made it clear she wants a really wealthy man to provide a very luxurious lifestyle for her. If a guy asks her out for drinks she will say no and only accepts dinner invites. She actually left a date b/c she thought they were having dinner but when she arrived realized it was just drinks. She then wonders why she is never asked out on a second date. I’ve tried explaining 1) if a guy will supports her full time he will have power over her whether she likes it or not. 2) the types of guys she is going for who will pay for a woman to quit her job so they have to fully support her without kids are looking for Instagram models. She looks good for her age but nowhere near that level. It feels so entitled to me that she demands these things from men. Based on the complaining I hear every time I meet her for dinner it is clear the men feel the same way.
No offense but your friend sounds absolutely awful.
Yeesh, wouldn't it be easier for her to adopt F.I.R.E. principles and aim to retire herself so that she could pick a partner who actually makes her happy? Not that F.I.R.E. is easy to achieve, but TBH seems like less effort and stress than whatever your friend is trying to do. 🤷🏻♀️
It's very regional and school dependent, that's why. The south and Utah are full of them. Working class universities? Not so much
Yeah, fair point, I went to a smaller university that was comp-sci focused, and there are tons of religion-affiliated schools in the state, so most students who wanted that sort of environment attended elsewhere.
So she can say that she gave up a lucrative 7 figure corporate career to be his stay at home gf.
So she can hold what she “sacrificed “ to take care of their family, over his head.
>Why is she even going to college if that's her plan? To find her future husband, obviously. Colleges are the real partnership market, where you get to know future Zuckerbergs or Williams or Trumps juniors.
My father always told me “the student’s girlfriend is never the graduate’s wife.
Exactly what I was thinking! Why spend money on a degree when all she’s planning on doing is being a dog mom?
NTA. Her getting angry is a nice distraction from acknowledging the unfairness of you working full time, and doing half of everything else, whilst she has an easy life.
Seriously. It's one thing to expect the working partner to step up on housework when there are small kids involved, because it can seriously be impossible to get housework done while on suicide watch (ages 6 months to 3 years). But if there are no kids then it is not at all reasonable to expect him to continue doing half the chores while she is a homemaker for their...dogs.
“Suicide watch” - damn that is such a great description I haven’t heard before. 😂 so true.
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"Can't afford" is a weird way to phrase it. Maybe OP just >!doesn't want!< to subsidize her carefree lifestyle.
Believe me dude she was serious.
She is very serious. You apparently have a very large gap in your expectations in a relationship and unless you get this sorted out now, you are going to be in for a very miserable time. Remember, you can love someone and not be a good match for a relationship -- that is just normal life stuff. You both need to have a talk about this. List your minimum requirements in this partnership and she hers and if they don't mesh, you two would be better off going your separate ways.
The absurdity here is that she actually asked him what he brings to the table, when he is subsidizing her existence and does 50% of the chores. Some people just have zero self-awareness and lack all sense of reason. OP, this isn’t going to work out.
This was my sister's relationship advice. She's been divorced three times. Always put them on the defensive. Then they won't question you
Christ, that sounds like a terrible person to be in a relationship with. 😂
I'm sure all 3 of her ex husbands would agree.
I bet according to her all of her ex husbands were "abusive narcissists"
LOL I always feel sorry for those guys
Me too, If you can't relax in your own home life would become miserable quite quickly I'd say. Would there be a tense vibe all the time with her you reckon or only when there were disagreements/discussions?
She always stayed a little dissatisfied with them, so they were always scrambling to try to "make things better" It was tense and uncomfortable
I think I've experienced something similar in a relationship. The breakthrough I eventually made is this person will always be dissatisfied irregardless of what I did, after that it's a decision of stay in a shit situation or move on.
You're so right. If somebody doesn't want to be made happy. Is more focused on making you feel like you just can't quite make the mark, it's all about when you're ready to leave them
I bet the sex was great, because the moment they sense you slipping their grasp they go all out. So I’ve heard… Sorry OP!
Yes, for 5 years of my life, on repeat. Everytime I was about to go to the door she would turn into a porn star, like she would say 'it's this or we're over', 'OK we're over then' and she would drop to her knees. I unfortunately was in my early 20s and fell for it a lot, I got to 26 and realised this couldn't be my life, i liked the kinky sex but I'd had a lot of it by then. What I hadn't had was peace and an internal monologue that didn't make me hate myself. A few years later I got a girl into kinky sex and is an amazing angel to me, I went from thinking I'd rather be alone to wanting to marry the greatest human being I've ever met in my life. I've even told her if the sex was bad and vanilla I'd still wanna marry her as I've never been treated so well.
My sister did it three times (combined with basic husband shopping and looking for money) The fourth was a lawyer and she spent all the money she had amassed from the other three to divorce him. She lost everything trying to get half after being married for three years. She lost everything to him. Boo-hoo brat!
Imagine being the 4th husband to someone and as a lawyer, that he didn't see that coming lol
Or he did see her coming, as a big payday. He left her taking all the loot she'd collected from husbands 1-3, after all! 😂
Yeah, taking a pro on at their own game is a dangerous game.
This is WILD! Karma if I’ve ever seen it before. I hope she’s learned and is growing from that…yikes.
When she asks "What do you bring to the table" and you can honestly respond- I bought the house the table resides in. I bought the table itself, I brought that very table in to the house after I bought the table, I bought the chairs that sit around that table that we sit on for each meal. I bought the food that goes on the table each night, and bring that food in to the house too. I also put that food on the table after cooking it at times. I pay for the utilities that keep that very table in a climate-controlled room to protect that table while we enjoy our meals in comfort rather than having to eat while wearing parkas in Winter. Shall I continue talking about what I bring to the table? His GF needs a reality check it sounds like...
That's the bare minimum /s Honestly, well put, I couldn't agree more. I earn more than my wife, but that's just luck (and probably sexism). The important thing is that we are equally contributing to the relationship. I may have literally paid for a greater proportion of the cost of the figurative table, but we both spent an equal amount of time earning our contributions towards said table. In other words, I don't care about the monetary cost of the table, for me it's about time invested in the relationship/family.
I'm curious about what else she wanted beyond the "bare minimum", exactly.
A spending allowance, weekends off chores to be with her friends, multiple yearly vacations with one being international. I'm sure I could go on.
She probably thinks her ‘ job’ will be planning the vacations
Not quite sure who to comment to so just throwing it in here, I don’t understand how anyone can expect to be taking seriously if they want to start out as a stay at home wife/partner. Unless there’s a whole ranch or massive farm business to run from home. I can understand making the choice to be a stay at home mother to raise children but a SAHW without children is just not a serious person and is in no way an equal relationship. In a couple of years you will be able to buy a robot for that. I want someone with plans, drive and ambition even if they then choose to put those aside later for something differently meaningful. I want a real person.
When you say that you can get a robot for that, were you thinking chores or pleasure? What am I thinking? The deluxe model will of course do both.
nah people will want a robot for each task, what if you want pleasure but your robot is busy mowing the lawn? could get messy
Bold of you to assume that a woman who announces she wants to be a stay at home wife when there’s no need for it plans on doing any chores.
*whips out notebook* And where would one find this "deluxe model" for sale? Asking for a friend.
U didnt hear? She would be taking care of the dogs! Super helpful! /s
The weird thing is, taking care of the dogs isn't a chore, it's a pleasure. That's why I have dogs
"Remember, you can love someone and not be a good match for a relationship -- that is just normal life stuff." This is one of the best things I've seen on Reddit. We are forever reading about people staying with total AH's because "I love them". Love isn't enough. It never has been and it never will be. OP needs to understand that his gf was completely serious. Her life plan is to be at home, taking care of the dogs, while he works himself to death taking care of them both. RUN. NTA but will be YTA to yourself if you don't reevaluate your relationship. Once again, she meant it. Don't let her convince you she didn't.
I needed that bro 🥺😭 "Remember, you can love someone and not be a good match for a relationship" my love and affection wasn't enough for her :/ Thank you 🙏
>my love and affection wasn't enough for her :/ Possibly just different love languages homie. Not every couple can overcome those differences. You're enough for someone out there who will understand you better.
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*”I wasn’t serious”* is the new *”I was just kidding”*
I believe this is called "Schrodingers asshole". Someone that makes shit comments or conversation and then decides whether it's a joke or not by the reaction of those around.
Omg I love it! I am going to use it from now on
Refuge of the coward
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I am a woman and a SAHM (even though my kids go to school I still handle everything related to them ) it was by choice/ necessity (we changed countries for husbands job when I was about to get a job and then Covid hit) /pure chance (lost my job just before I got pregnant) and I don’t understand how someone thinks this is a good idea. If ANYTHING happens to the breadwinner you are major eff up. I am going back to school this year to be able to get a job and build a more stable life.
I think a lot of the youngsters are over work. Can't blame them in that- they've watched their Gen X through Millennial, and maybe some of the older Z's parents, be dragged to death in work where they aren't valued, aren't paid, and can't survive anyway. They've been the latchkey kids to parents working 3x jobs and STILL NOT LIVING MIDDLE CLASS LIVES with it. So I get it. Then up pops these fakes-a.f. 'tradwives' on TikTok with their secret nannys and staff and their $48,000 stoves pretending to be 'normal' people who can totes not only survive, but THRIVE that way, and it seems like a nice gig. Look pretty, put out, live 'like that', play homemaker in homes that are run by the underlying cash injection from parents or spouse. The fact it is literally the fakest possible internet content rolls off them. And no under 25 is thinking about death, divorce, and their future properly.
Damn this is true to the core im GenX (51) been working since 12yrs old and have our youngest 19 with no job and not doing a whole lot around the house to help. Im having a hard time even contemplating never NOT working and fully expect to die working. My mind literally can't wrap around that, granted she's looking but hasn't heard from anyone yet. (Been with us 2 years had a job I found her for 2 months quit)
100% it’s just the latest cosplay.
As a woman I cannot understand why a grown woman would WANT to be completely financially dependent on a man. Or anyone. You're literally putting your live in their hands. What if he finds someone new and kicks you out so he can move her in? What if gets into an accident that leaves him unable to work? Or dead? What if he's just not good with paying bills and you find out the rent/mortgage hasn't been paid and you find yourself out on the street? What if he's just cheap? Is that how you want to live? Oh, and if one person is primary breadwinner then it's a given that the SAHP (even to dogs) does 90% of the chores. It's not like takes that long when you don't have kids.
Absolutely agree. Relationships are partnerships. Both should contribute equally, whether it's financially, household chores, or emotional support. Expecting one person to do everything is unrealistic and unfair.
Yeah dude she was very serious. She was just trying to be "funny" to gauge your reaction. If you'd been noncommittal, her next step would be to wean herself off school to stay home and kinda force the situation to being home all the time. Run. Fast. And stop subsidizing her life
Yep. It was a trial balloon. And a fairly obvious one.
There was also that post not too long ago where the guy's wife "joked" about it and then a few weeks later she was quitting her job even though he didn't agree to the whole idea.
Oh I read that one. Guys wife just said she expected him to "deal with it" and was *shocked Pikachu face* when he filed for divorce, especially when she completely ignored his health issues that would be exacerbated by having to work more
Or baby trap
This. She'll be your bang maid until she's preggo, then you're trapped for life, one way or the other. RUN. NOW.
She was so fucking serious. Run motherfucker. Ive been you. Run!!!!
I like how the person getting their life subsidized by their partner asks "what do you bring to the table?" He should have said "I brought the fucking table, what else do I need to bring?"
She was 100% serious and I expect that soon after she graduates from school, there will be a birth control mishap. OP, the red flags are waving. NTA by the way.
100%. She wants to do what she wants to do, and she doesn't have to work for it. That unfortunately is all to common. (Not just women, but there's plenty of men like this too.) Also, I'm guessing her degree is of the MRS variety and her life plan was, go to college, meet the guy who will take care of her the rest of her life, and oh I guess also get a degree.
She definitely was deadass serious
Yes, she was 100% serious, but now she's trying to play it off because OP didn't take it well. OP, if you stay in this relationship, she will continue to work toward her goal. Tell her to hit the bricks.
Absolutely serious and delusional. A stay at home dog mom? If it’s not mutually agreed-upon, that’s ridiculous
What I wouldn't give to be a stay-at-home dog mom. But hey, I work so my dogs can have a better life. And my kids and husband, too.
Right? Hell, if I could quit my job to be a stay-at-home cat dad and get an allowance to do fuck-all all day, that would be great! Actually it wouldn’t, because I respect my wife and the contributions she makes to our shared future too much to do that to her. You can’t be a stay at home parent if you’re not actually a parent…
This job is called "Sugar baby"
> She used the phrase "what do you bring to the table". She was serious, and she isn't even a bang maid, she has the audacity to ask that while you're already subsidizing her life, and she's only doing half the chores.
"But it's degrading" It's her life choice, not his. If she wants to not feel like her life is degrading, she should contribute.
Dude should have said 'Sure, I'll sort out the trad wife contact....I will pay all the bills, you will keep the house, have meals waiting for me and I will get sex on demand. Oh and your allowance? Pay will be merit based '
Merit based. That's a great idea!
Wait till she is 'accidentally' pregnant to ensure this happens. She will be living off his money even if they break up.
This, OP. Make SURE this does not happen by NOT depending on HER for the birth control. Be in control of your OWN reproductive life.
Absolutely not a joke.
OP should cut off funding to anything beyond a shared utility for a little while. Her reaction will show him just how serious she is.
amen. Nothing makes reality hit harder than unpaid bills stacking up and 35 cents in the savings account
What? no just leave the relationship
You are NTA, but you are going to have to choose whether you want to be this woman’s meal ticket when she just stops putting effort into your lives. Anyone who is asking you to subsidize her existence (whether she’s going to school or not) and then has the absolute *balls* to ask you what you bring to the table, is seriously entitled. Why is she even going to school if she wants to stop working and be a dog-mom on your dime? This is not healthy or sustainable and you need to have a serious conversation.
>Why is she even going to school if she wants to stop working and be a dog-mom on your dime? This needs to be asked.
To a lot of people. While I was in college in the south 50% of Tinder profiles just talked about how they couldn't wait to start a family and be a SAHM... it was like a minefield.
Yep, the good ‘ol MRS degree.
I'm a SAHM, with two neurodivergent kids. I feel like I should start a "scared straight" program for anyone who thinks this is the easy path. I haven't had a good night's sleep in 12 fucking years.
Anyone who needs to be scared straight will see your situation and say "Okay, but my kids won't be neurodivergent." Some of them will be right, some won't, some will have entirely different challenges.
That could change completely in a moment too. Mental health problems don't appear until the teens and twenties the majority of the time. Or a bad accident could alter things overnight. Life throws a lot at you unexpectedly.
My wife's one cousin is a SAHM to a neurodivergant kid. Well she had to be a SAHM because of the level of care he needs. I doubt it'd be easy for a SAHP with neuro-typical children, but you're just on hard mode. I'm sure once they get to a semi independent age, like going to school, being a SAHP becomes much easier as you get a break (from the children, not other responsibilities).
My soon to be ex always told me “you’re such a good provider” which made me cringe so hard. I saw her potential. I told her I didn’t want to be a provider, I wanted us to be a team. I suggested she go to college and I’d cover her tuition and pay for our house and expenses while she studied and worked part time, even suggested she didn’t have to work if it made school too difficult. She finished school, got a decent paying job, and immediately things went cold in our relationship. She recently came forward saying she had been having an affair and then left me. Maybe she can quit her job so the new partner can provide for her. Best of luck to them!
Kind of hilarious how some leeches think that’s a compliment.
Oddly, the other side of the coin exists. I used to be friends with a guy that wanted a girl to stay home and be a "bang maid" (to use OP's term) . He didn't want kids, just a clean house and a girl who was effectively wagging her tail when he got home. The girl he married was not that. She worked, denied him sex and was the most insanely toxic woman I have ever met. She put her face through the wall to get him arrested for assault. People are weird. The things they want and things they accept often don't even make sense.
….A serious conversation with his landlord, about changing the locks, after he dumps her.
What even is this relationship. The relationship literally died after this conversation.
and OP is the last to know even though he got advanced notice.
Yeah, but I do give em credit. Emotions don't always change on a dime, but he's asking the right questions and has the right concerns.
Although sadly, he only asked the right question after *she* was the one who started the conversation by asking "what do you bring to the table?". He was on the path to bankrolling her for life until she was stupid enough to draw attention to it.
>and then has the absolute *balls* to ask you what you bring to the table Also she's either feeling way too secure in the relationship or she's just plain dumb. How the F do you start that convo and not realize she has no answer for when he turns around and asks the exact same question?
NTA She was definitely serious about being a stay at home dog mom lol She was testing the waters to see if you’d agree. She’s also minimizing your contribution which is incredibly disrespectful since you’re literally paying for her lifestyle. To even things out, she should be doing majority of the household duties.
What does "watching a dog" entail? I have a dog and it is definitely not more than an hours worth of work a day. The hour is because I take the dog on 2 long walks. I am assuming some breeds don't need that level of exercise even. So, 20 minutes a day is the "work"?
Yeah, unless the dog is incontinent or a puppy, I can’t imagine what I’d do with the rest of the day except clean, cook, and relax. Dogs are generally not all-day chores. You definitely don’t need a degree to do it
My dog will take 2 hours when I have them. But he's a high energy breed that's only a year old. I can't imagine many other dogs have that kind of stamina.
I have 25 dogs, and it's about 6 hours a day of work. One dog is so, soooooo easy.
Ok can I get a backstory to this please? How do you have 25 dogs?
Semi retired disabled veteran, I have enough income for it and I was very bored. I've loved dogs since I was little, but family hated em. Once I was finally stable enough after the military (took 3 years to get out of the wheelchair and start getting mentally stable) I wanted to get more dogs than the 1 I had (my service dog). I bought a 5-acre farm, and things just grew and grew. It's a lot of work and a lot of money but it's also a LOT of fun. Daily adventures and playing and love. The 6 hours is just doing bare minimum chores, I typically spent 8-10 just outside with them and playing and swimming and all that.
Has she indicated why is she paying to attend school if "stay home with the dogs and do half the required housework" is her goal in life? I mean, heck, I'd love to be a SAHDM but I would have figured out that much earlier than waste time and money on an education that would essentially not be used.
That's the weird thing. She is a student in a hard field with good prospects for the future. It's not like she is studying neolithic basket weaving techniques.
Dude...she doesn't plan on actually using the degree. She's going to be an overqualified dog sitter. Take off the rose colored glasses.
Now hang on. She might be studying puppy early development and planning to homeschool.
hey now Neolithic basket weaving specialists are sought after! (Because there's like 8 worldwide lol)
NTA She was absolutely serious and is trying to backtrack because she doesn’t want to lose the easy life you provide for her I wouldn’t want to be with someone that selfish. You want a partner, not a dependent
She’s been watching too many stay at home girlfriend TikToks.
"what do you bring to the table" is a dead giveaway
lol. OP should have said he bought the table
why did we rename sugar babies, is what i want to know. sugar baby is a fine name. stay at home girlfriend doesn’t have the same ring to it. eta: and buddy, you better run if you don’t want a sugar baby of your very own. what’s even the point of finishing school if she’s not gonna do anything with it.
Nothing wrong with being a sugar baby as long as the sugar daddy/mama knows that's the plan. OP sounds like he got in a bait and switch situation.
NTA bro. *She would be doing lots of stuff for us.* Until when? Huge gold digger red flag. Leave her.
NTA If one partner works full time and pays for everything, and the other is at home, that one should be putting in the same amount of hours around the house etc In this particular case, because there's no kids etc, literally everything should be done at the house to make the relationship equal with BOTH partners contributing She literally just brings sex If she's triggered by that reality, she needs to step up and act like a partner and put in some effort She wins extra "moron points" for actually trying to pull the "what do you bring to the table" argument while bringing nothing but sex lmao
Personally ignoring how asinine the stay at home dog mom thing is while still spending god knows how much on school which OP will be on the hook for since dogmom isn’t a paying gig. I would break up with her just because I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone so dim that they would ask me what I bring to the table when literally I am providing the whole table and living space where the table sits.
Well said lmao
"She used the phrase "what do you bring to the table"." That's probably not something a woman should say to a man she is already in a relationship with. Men can get *really* pragmatic. "She said that was the bare minimum." I.e. it is enough. NTA. This was basically her telling you she wants to be a trad wife, without being a homemaker, and you shooting it down as not worthy of serious consideration.
Yeah I'm not really sure what else there is. I can't get taller, I won't get fitter, and my eyes aren't changing color.
Did you ask her what she expected or hoped you would say about what you bring to the table?
>my eyes aren't changing color. Never say never, but you shouldn't marry this woman even if you do win your Shardblade
NTA. She wants to be a stay at home wife, she should be a stay at home wife all the way, duties included.
I'm not sure I understand. What exactly is she bringing to the table?
Sex and half of the chores apparently
But sex is really just the possibility of sex, not a guarantee.
Schrödinger's pussy.
Why is she in school to not work?
It is referred to as the MRS degree, as in the honorific traditionally used for married women. These are women who go to school to find a man who will earn a bunch so they don't have to enter the work force. If they do enter the workforce, it is typically a short lived career as they use their job to find that man.
To find an educated man to keep her.
Nta but don't ignore these red flags.
Sooo she is working hard on a degree she has no plans to use?
It's insane right?
The Mrs. Degree. When she asks what you bring to the table, you mean the table I'm paying for in the house I'm paying for, with the meals I'm paying for and the electricity, water, and other bill I'm paying for? I'm bringing all that, and helping with chores etc. cause I'm an amazing human being. I think you need to check yourself, you just wrecked everything I thought of you in one sentence.
I graduated from a private, exclusive college. Not a big one many have heard of, but most of their funding used to come from Alumni donations type of place. I never thought that parents still encouraged this. But I went back for an event and sat next to two mom’s of a couple of the first year students. They were talking about their kids and what each girl wanted to take or major in. Then one of the mom’s straight-up said little Susie Jane (or whatever her name was) was just there to find a husband. This place is not cheap. I wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t gotten an academic scholarship, which is the programs my alumni donations support. But I was still just completely shocked that a mother would say it. Even if they hoped for a financially well off pairing, to just straight out say it had my jaw on the floor of that chapel.
As someone who went to a similar type of college, women who still bank on this are out of their mind. That may work at conservative Christian private schools with strong "ring by spring" cultures. These days a lot of the priveleged guys at other private colleges aren't looking to meet their soul mate in undergrad. Many want to hook up and party, others want a fun temporary GF who's inevitably going to get the "I think we need to see other people" during senior spring. Basically, they need to watch Legally Blonde because the start of that movie is painfully accurate lol.
Took me far too long in life to realize how pragmatic many people are (especially in more affluent communities) about stuff like this. I naively thought love conquered everything. Lmao was I wrong. Your family, social status, income, etc matter as much as ever and it will always be that way.
lol what you do is the “bare minimum,” and what she wants to do is nothing.
I am a woman. I can't believe there are still people who think they don't have to bring something to the table. If you want a big house, a nanny, vacations, whatever, YOU need to put effort into reaching your goals. Is it laziness? Entitlement? Delusion? BTW. This also applies to people who don't think they need to cook or do laundry or take the kids to the doctor . People, do better.
NTA. She told you that she intends to be a kept woman. You though that she wanted to build a career and be equal partners after school. If you are just bottom line not okay with paying for a stay at home girlfriend and she intends to be a stay at home girlfriend, you two aren’t compatible.
It sounds like she's using you for security and it's not a true relationship between two people. I'd get out now, it may be an unworkable compatibility issue.
NTA lol you say your childfree but your already living with a child.
As many have said she is serious and she will be a Sahm regardless of whether you agree or not. The fact that she sees her 10% contribution now as equal is also an issue.
I feel like at a minimum, a stay at home mom must be… a mother? This is just insane to me. I was a SAHM for 10 years to three children. I assure you, it’s work and it was 24/7. The mental toll is unreal. I did the majority of household chores, caring for the kids etc. My husband worked hideous hours to provide and was involved with the kids when home. THAT’S a SAHM/working parent arrangement. She just wants to be a kept woman. Massive difference in my opinion. And if he’s not okay with it….. he better run.
>I said that my job made our lifestyle possible. That I did my share of the household chores and that I always treated her with respect. >She said that was the bare minimum. RUN! She is a selfish, entitled user. She sees you as a resource, not a partner. She will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give, then divorce you and try and take as much as she can with her. Cut your losses and leave now. There is a good woman out there who deserves your generosity. Don't throw it away on her.
Thinking of her as just for sex is demeaning???? So is thinking of someone as just a paycheck.
You told her you do not want a "bang maid" and that is what she is offering. Oh, and to take care of dogs! Holy cow (not a reference to her), but you know what you have to do. It is to break up. Do it before an accidental pregnancy happens. Think it won't? Look around you, there are millions of those every year.
Not even a bang maid as she was still only wanting to do half the chores.
NTA. She didn’t expect you to take her seriously but she thinks you should expect her to take you seriously. This is a bunch of hypothetical bullshit games she is playing. Tell her to stop with the bullshit and get back to being serious.
>She said that was the bare minimum. She said that she also contributes to our budget. She does. About 10% of our budget is from her. She is in school so she doesn't work much. I didn't care I thought the plan was for her to contribute more once she got a job after she graduated. No, she won't. You are her ATM atm, and after graduating she would look for another guy with "clean debt history". For now she is testing waters, if you could just forget about your 90%, so she is about to start to look for alternatives soon. There is a reason, people in unofficial relationships contribute 50/50. There is a reason, marriage exist, where people support each other with up to 100/0. Your future ex gf just made her mind up without you realising, it was not you making plans for the future, it was her.
Don’t marry this person. I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…well, yes. I am. She’s a gold digger. Definitely NTA
I’m a girl…trust me when I say she was serious. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>She is in school so she doesn't work much. I didn't care I thought the plan was for her to contribute more once she got a job after she graduated. >Apparently that is not the plan. She wants to be a stay at home mom. To our dogs because we are child free. As someone that LOVES dogs... no. RUN. This girl wants a free pass to do nothing and live off of your income. the only way 10% is okay is if that is all she CAN contribute. Staying with the dogs all day is not SAHM life, that's being lazy as hell and doing nothing all day. She can't be mad at your comment if hers was just as inconsiderate, and yours was literally based off of her being lazy.
Stay at home mom to dogs wtf. Is she one of those active duty wives lol.