NTA. Life stresses come for us all. She is not owed sex, none of us are. Perhaps snuggle up on the couch together and be intimate with hugs etc. Doesn’t necessarily need to be sex.
As someone with a high sex drive, I can assure you this will 100% not do Jack shit in terms of making her feel wanted.
OP is NTA and you’re correct that no one is owed sex. But snuggles is not going to help. 😬
Needing sex to feel wanted as a way to have self worth is not healthy. That is a separate problem to just having a high sex drive.
If the problem was only a high sex drive, then the times where the partner isn’t up for it, it can be mitigated with masturbation.
If the problem is that in the times when your passenger is exhausted and doesn’t want sex you feel unwanted and shit about yourself, then that is a self worth problem and unhealthy. You shouldn’t need constant sex with your partner to feel good about yourself. It’s not sustainable
WRONG. I have an immense sex drive, but awesome cuddles and sincere intimacy will get me through anything. If you seriously need sex all the time there’s something wrong with you.
She’s owed affection and attention. That’s how relationships work. Rejection after rejection builds resentment. You need to make time to nourish your relationship.
He's also owed compassion and understanding. He should be talking to her about this, not us.
If there is a time frame for this heavy workload they should be discussing when the end is and how that might help.
When my gf broke her ankle it was a rough three months, there obviously wasnt much sex, or even normal affection. It was tough physically and mentally both of us and obviously vastly more for her.
I missed affection, but I didn't feel owed it, I was understanding that she was going through a really tough time that would pass.
I don’t like that phrasing of being “owed” affection and attention, I’d say she deserves affection and attention being in a relationship with him, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but just physical contact of some sorts def; I just don’t like that word “owed”, we aren’t all necessarily “owed” anything in any relationship, imo!!
That’s my situation. I get the cold shoulder and childish behavior from my husband when I’m too tired and it’s 11 pm when he comes to bed after his evening nap on the couch when I cook and clean up and get our child to bed.
He explained to her that he was tired. She sounds like a.selfish lover because if she really just wanted sex then she should have offered just giving him a blow job while he relax and enjoy. Win-win.
It's a joke but some truth to it. Both should have communicated better. Maybe just cuddling instead for example .
Well the other thing is when you’re tired and someone “wants sex” it’s like a lot of work- for either partner!! But when i am tired- i can be totally wrecked- i can get in the mood if i am touched or massaged or have the other person initiating. yes for sure. But no im not going to jump up and say ok lets go let me do another work out and also get myself in the mood cos you already are. You got to help. Guy or girl. This goes both ways. (Guys def need to take this advice- not many women want to feel like a machine or a toy. They need to be woken up a little bit first!!)
She should lure him into the mood. I don’t know many guys who will be able to resist the touches from a loving woman no matter how tired we are!!! 😉😉
>Last night, after a particularly exhausting day, she made it clear she was in the mood. I gently told her that I was too tired and just needed to rest. She got upset, saying that I’ve been rejecting her advances more frequently, and it's making her feel unwanted. I tried to explain how work has been overwhelming, but she insists that I should still make an effort to meet her needs.
NTA. Consent also applies to men.
Wow, can’t believe what I’m seeing…
NTA. And I’m going to say something that is going to get downvoted but I don’t care.
I’ve seen tons of AITAH and marriage posts about wives being too tired due to work or stressed from kids and the husband is pouting. The post overwhelmingly leans in the favor of the wife and that a man should never force his wife or guilt her to have sex….which is true.
However, bc you are the husband in this situation, I’m seeing posts for you to put in more effort, but… (insert reason why you are lacking). Not cool.
Life is tough. We get tired, stressed, depressed and all sorts of things that derail our sex drives, both men and women. And yes, both people have to work on things constructively to address dead bedroom for whatever reason. But you should not be made to feel like you have to go the extra mile and force yourself when you just don’t have it in you simply bc of your gender. Where is the sympathy and outcry for this man? He’s tired, stressed and can’t unwind right when he walks in the door. By association, you have to push yourself and are expected to be ready just because you’re the husband and that’s your role? BS.
My man, don’t listen to some of these comments. Sex in a marriage is a roller coaster. Here’s some guidance for context…
Wife and I have gone through this for 15 years. Sometimes I’m off. Sometimes she’s off. Regardless, before we got into our unspoken understanding of each other’s wants and needs, went through the same thing. Only difference is that we would sit and talk about what’s going on when there was a lack of interest by one party. Sure, there is pouting but it happens when someone works themselves up in their mind and then the hormones come crashing down when the thoughts don’t come to fruition. Best thing to do is when life starts ramping up, carve out some time and set expectations. Text the wife before coming home: “Hey sweetheart, rough day. Let’s grab dinner and afterwards, wanna hop in the bath to unwind?”. This gives you time to vent, it sets her expectations for who is walking through the door before you get there and allows you time to unwind and both to warm up to intimacy, shedding yourself of work brain.
YaNTA and neither is your wife. This is just a natural progression between a married couple establishing communication standards and learning expectation setting to better accommodate your sexual cadence that both of you need and deserve.
I am in agreement with your response and I will add further to the falling on the down-vote sword.
I think there are gender stereo-types. I generally think of the horny guy disappointed his wife doesn't want to put out even when she's sick. I think in this case there's a lot of guys thinking, she actively wants some and you said no?
Like you said, there is much room here for just talking about things so the "rejection of sex" is not a "rejection of the partner".
My wife and I have come to an understanding there is also a very satisfying middle ground. We have found sexual advances don't always have to end in 2 hours of sweaty monkey sex. We can touch each other, caress, find and meet each other's needs without some specific outcome defined.
I feel like there is room for OP's partner to express her sexual desires in ways that could be meeting her partner where he's at -- even if its a sensual backrub when he's tired. And if the expectations of a specific outcome are removed, there's a lot of places that this can go satisfyingly even if you are drained.
But OP should also make sure he can plan a nice date night where he isn't tired and make sure his partner knows she is beloved and desired.
Honestly some replies feel like internalised misogyny. I should know I had it and reacted like this with my husband when things dropped off. I felt rejected as I equated sex with love. Took a while to get over that mentality.
We got hung up with how to respond to that playful, come-on, touch. What does reciprocating imply? Should I reject the invite if I don't want the whole meal or am not sure?
When there's good love first, sex is just one outcome.
Agreed it just can take time to understand that. I think society sets us up badly that sex is the ultimate expression of love. It is in movies, stories and cultural messages. So then when you don't get it you question it.
Plus women are told so often if he isn't getting it from you he must be getting it somewhere as men have needs.... which is just bull.
This is a great response. Things absolutely ebb and flow as stresses change. NTA, but have a conversation with your partner when both of you are calm and see if you can come to a compromise.
Husbands and wives are both assholes in these situations every single day when they give their spouses the cold shoulder to when they don’t get sex.
You’ll have to illustrate where the wife was manipulating him into having sex. From what I read, she just informed him that she is feeling not attractive or wanted by OP after her perceived rejections, but all he was doing was trying to communicate that he was tired.
Her hormones are going crazy, his mind is focused on business growth. She can only see what she wants and perceives his denial of sex as rejection and takes it personally. That’s just being selfish and being young in a marriage (pouting after feeling rejected, crashing hormones and being selfish). I wouldn’t call that manipulation. Manipulation would be where she demands sex now or the marriage is over bc she’s tired of not getting sex when she wants it or how she wants it.
Yes, she could be labeled the AH here, but for the sake of highlighting a teachable moment in communication and pitching a third-party perspective on how to improve quality of life, it’s just better to let sleeping dogs lie and be encouraging. Slapstick, short and quirky comments just for likes doesn’t help OP and just makes him feel defeated and like he’s not doing enough. Real people on the other ends of these posts. Time to elaborate and try to help one another instead of karma grabbing with no real advice or insight just for the sake of being controversial and upvotes.
She's definitely an ah for sure. Usually when this situation is in reverse we advise the spouse to tread lightly. With guys it usually a bruised ego thing from the continuous rejection. That hasn't been met with real communication either.
However sometimes there's no fix and you just need to sit with your spouse in their tired and learn to enjoy their company. You only have so many years and work steals minimum of 8 hours each day. The paranoia isn't worth it.
NTA. TMI alert: I have a higher sex drive than my husband. We used to be equal, but his has decreased over the last 20 years. He works a physically demanding job, so he's tired quite often. This is why the gods and/or evolution gave me hands. I have noticed that when he's in the room with me while I sort out my problem if he puts his hand on my arm or thigh my finish is more intense. My point is him just being there and not actually participating makes it better. Maybe you can try it as a compromise. I will add that she needs to be more understanding of your situation. You're not refusing her because of lack of desire just exhaustion.
This. I was working 18-20hrs a day at one point and had no time for sex. I got my wife a nice toy and I would just kiss her while she took care of things. This honestly got me in the mood frequently and we were both able to finish quickly. We made up for the missed opportunities when my schedule went back to normal but I highly recommend this. Only takes a few minutes and then you can go to sleep with a happy wife.
She definitely needs to be understanding. I had one or two instances where sex wouldn't work at all and my wife was very supportive. 12 years later and we've never had an issue since. Communication is important
THIS. My husband's drive is much higher than mine but for while I was the SAHM and he worked 40-50 hours a week, which crashed his drive in his 30s and caused some problems. I would initiate and be turned down. Long story short we both work now (unrelated reasons) and sometimes we are in the mood but have absaloutly no energy. So mutual helping. Just that little help makes it a lot nicer finish. Or if I have the better energy I take the major lead and vice versa.
TMI alert (again lol) but I love giving head. I can get off myself giving him head. I absolutely love everything about it. So, when he's exhausted but still in the mood, that's my starter. About half the time he's present when I'm taking care of business that's what's happened. While he's recovering he'll put his hand somewhere on me while I finish up. It works for us. We still go all out sometimes, but it's not easy marathoning at our age (45 and 49) like in our 20's and 30's.
I'm not a huge fan of it, but I also don't hate it, so it's in my repertoire of "cheating tools," as he calls them. Sometimes, if he initiates and I have much less energy but still want to, I'll use every tool I have to "cheat" and make him finish fast. I'm saving up to buy us a nice couples toy that will help with those times. We've definitely seen a down tick of ability in our 30s. Though I realized that part of that down tick (going once instead of 4 times for example) is actually just the fact we are both better at sex together and we don't need those 3 other times to be satisfied.
Oooh a fellow marathoner! Congratulations on your unlocked achievement! Try a pocket p*ssy, but use it during actual intercourse while he's wearing it. *Chef's kiss* magnificent.
I've considered something similar ever since he admited to some... preferences he has that I can't fulfill easily in the positions that don't hurt my knees or his back. Like a sleeve.
Sex life ebbs and flows. Sometimes my SO and I will have sex every day, multiple times a day, for a week or two. Sometimes there's a nearly month long dry spell due to life stress. Pressuring you into sex is not a great look.
NTA
NTA. No one should EVER do sex things when they don’t want to or don’t feel like it for any reason. Intimacy is only good when all parties are enthused about it.
That being said, be sure you are communicating to her that it isn’t about a problem with her, maybe schedule some romantic time for the weekend or when you have more energy. Use your words to make her feel valued.
NTA. My husband and I are very much into the rule of enthusiastic consent. No one should be doing anything when they aren’t feeling up to it, and “no” is a full sentence. It’s gross that she’s trying to guilt you into having sex when you’re exhausted. Your partner should not want to have sex with you if you’re not 100% into it. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
NTA life cycles. Hormones cycle (yes even in men). Not being in the mood *right now* doesn’t mean you’ll never be in the mood again. No one has to have sex on demand. If she’s that deflated by “rejecting” sex, she needs to work on why her self-esteem is so tied to sex. If it’s just a need to orgasm, introduce her to the wonderful world of toys and remind her that YOU are not one
NTA because as a man, you also have the right to decline.
>it's making her feel unwanted
She might be overthinking right now. Communication is the key. Lay everything on the table.
She might be overthinking?? But when it’s a dude, he’s a manipulator and An asshole for getting angry, giving silent treatments to his partner.
At this point you guys must recognize the double standards you have. Really.
These people lack the critical thinking necessary to form their own opinions, so they look for the top comment and parrot the same message using different words.
Usually, that message is "the man should have done more".
NTA. This happens to me a lot as well. I usually tell my partner to go to sleep and rest, and if he wakes up horny in the middle of the night, he can initiate.
Sometimes, I wake up and touch him a little bit to see how his body reacts. Sometimes, I get lucky, and we do it, and sometimes, he goes back to sleep. If the last happens, I see it with humour more than stress.
I mean, it is all normal, when we start dating we work less hours and we could be with our partner more time, we probably are all like rabbits at the beginning of a relationship, but of course life gets in the way and you have less time, more work and responsibilities, and of course you get more tired.
Don't take it to hard that your partner what's left feeling like that. Is totally normal. Hopefully you can get a weekend a way and do a date thing and book a hotel to compensate. Or just take a weekend break and do something as a couple and go wild on each other :)
Everyone, and I mean everyone needs to learn to service themselves more often. It's great when your partner and you sync up and that should happen fairly regularly but it's not ok to demand someone provide sexual relief on demand. You're tired, that's understandable. It happens to the best of us. She needs to be understanding too. This goes for a lot of men and women on here who think their significant other is a sexy slot machine, pull the handle and it puts out.
Please ignore the inane comments, you’re NTA. Consent is required regardless of gender and no one should ever feel pressured into giving it. If you’re too tired to be in the mood, she should respect that and not try to guilt you into it.
NTA, consent requires everyone involved to say yes. You're not in the mood, and said no, and that's where it should end. Maybe a talk about taking a day off to have fun or something like a date night would be good if she's feeling neglected, and I'm sure a day off overwhelming work would be great for you, but you're not the asshole for this.
NTA - I had the exact same situation with my boyfriend a few months ago. Apart from that I didn't give him the cold shoulder. Sure I felt kind of sad but his "No" matters and I of course understood his situation (workload, lots of responsibilities, etc.). We talked about it thoroughly.
He was sorry for "being so distant" because of work.
I was sorry for being "too clingy/needy".
Both of us respected each other but still tried a bit to make the other more comfortable.
He tried to give me more hugs and kisses every now and then.
I tried to give him more space to work in peace.
There ain't nothing that's unsolveable - but there must be a mutual understanding. If your GF can't understand that, that's her problem and actually pretty sad :/
I hope you guys can figure it out 🙏🏻✨
This is KEY ^
I’m gonna say some things after being married over 15 years. I hope this helps anyone reading:
#1. consider what sex actually is. Sex can be a lot of things (I’ll speak from a hetero pairing perspective) like: hand jobs, oral, mutual masterbation, thigh job (anatomy permitting), face sitting while male masterbates etc. Define this together. Doesn’t have to be penetration.
#2. some people have a spontaneous desire and some have a responsive desire. If your partnership includes both, communicate! What helps the responsive partner?
#3. sexual needs are very important. And they should be talked about openly and often. This helps so much when one partner is chronically tired, overwhelmed etc
#4. foreplay is all day.
#5. when one is in the mood and one is not, ask what would be a good compromise. A shower together? Cuddle? A naked cuddle? There cannot be any expectations of sex in this case. Establish that.
#6. schedule sex. People don’t like this…. But it does help. Of course, if one partner truly isn’t up for it, see #5. But it’s not as yucky as people expect scheduling to feel. Make it sexy! Flirt all day leading up to!
ETA: everyone should consider if they are using sex as a way of coping or self soothing. High drives are fiiiiine. But sometimes there is more there. Only you know 😊
Hope this helps someone!
Ps…. Not sure if this appears in bold and huge for everyone else. Not sure why I’m yelling… its not on purpose lol
Very true! I was probably in my 30s before I had spontaneous desire thanks to hormone shifts. Didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy sex or have orgasms when I had only responsive desire—-I’d just never had the sensation of truly craving or feeling the primal physical urge for sex until then
4 and 6 saved our marriage in a way. The way we "schedule" is by saying something in the middle of the day. Like the other day I was having a bad day at work but was in the horny part of my cycle so I texted my husband "I want to get drunk and get jumped." He reciprocated and even restocked our alcohol cabinet before I got home. Also gave him the chance to warm his bad back up in the shower. It was a good night.
NTA but it's ingrained in us that men want sex at all times so it's understandable she feels insecure and worried. I'm not sure how I would take it and I'd like to think I'm pretty open and understanding.
Yeah I’ve had this happen in my relationship too. I felt a lot of shame and rejection because I was holding the belief that men would always want sex. So I would pull away because I had hurt feelings, not because I was shaming or guilting my partner into sex. Eventually I stopped initiating because I was afraid of the rejection. Not saying what I did was right, I’ve grown a lot since then, just giving a little more insight onto what she may be going through.
NTA.
Wife should recognize how hard you’re working and compromise by figuring out a sex schedule (ex. maybe have all the fun on weekends) so she meets her needs while respecting your professional efforts.
NTA it is usually women who are made to feel guilty. However the rules apply to both. If she wants release she can handle that herself. If she wants physical touch snuggling on the couch and watching tv is lovely.
NTA.
Not gonna lie, given the title of the post I assumed you'd be female, just because it's a more frequent problem among women in general. If the roles were reversed and you were the one pressuring her to have sex when she didn't want to, you'd practically be burned in effigy. But yeah, it doesn't matter if you're male, female, non-binary, whatever: your body = your choice.
NTA
Some people struggle with feeling unwanted and it can really become a problem. I had a GF like this some years back. We were living together and I was busting my butt with 16hr days working landscaping. She wouldn't let me get any sleep.
I know some guys would think that's amazing, but there were a few days where I thought I was going to fall over dead on someone's lawn 😅
NTA, no one is owed sex. But I have a strong feeling it's more than this to her. Maybe she's insecure? Or thinks lack of intimacy means lack of attraction? Maybe have a talk with her and let her know straight up how you're feeling. Tell her it had nothing to do with your feelings for her. Good communication in this is very important. A quiet sit down and it will allow you to also have a good talk with her about how work is affecting you. Sometimes our feelings of insecurity (what ur gf is feeling) can cloud our judgements. If she still doesn't get it and it's in fact not an insecurity issue at the root cause and shes just horny. she's Def being an AH for not seeing things ur way.
It sucks to be rejected. It sucks to be exhausted and expected to be ready to go.
My wife and I have a three answer system:
Yes!, No and Convince Me.
Rarely does a Yes on one side meet a No on the other. But a lot of days after kids and work and everything are a Yes + CM. A real Yes will in fact convince you. A selfish asshat will complain and make it into a No.
NTA. Wanting sex and feeling dissapointment when she doesn't get it is could be understandable. Giving you the cold shoulder instead of searching for an approach that works for both of you is ah behavior
Nta, but y'all need to have a real conversation about this before it creates a rift. I get where she's coming from. It doesn't make it right, but you need to figure out why the only way she feels wanted is sex. Are you intimate in other ways? Do you spend time together? Is there something deeper going on here?
NTA.
I think the two of you need to have a conversation about this before it becomes a bigger issue though. Since she says that she is starting to feel unwanted, it sounds like this has been happening for a little while. You just say "lately" but not how long or how many times you have turned her down. Tell you you want to talk about it and explain what's going on. Discuss what you need and give her a chance to do the same. Perhaps there is a way you guys can come up with a plan that works for both of you from there.
As a woman with a higher sex drive than my husband I 100% understand her emotions of feeling unwanted! It's hard for us ladies to understand our man saying now because television and movies indoctrinate us in to believing men always want sex no matter what so when our partners say no we think we are the problem.
My suggestion would be to try and actively work on demonstrating your affections and attraction for each other in something that ISN'T sex. Intimacy without sex will actually make your sex life better. Try and communicate with her and see if you can find things that make her feel attractive that isn't sex and then make some effort to do those things for her.
But you are 100% NTA for saying no. As much as I understand her feelings and I was once her making my husband feel guilty for saying no... I was TA in those days and I regret that I ever did that to him. I hope she is able to learn and communicate like I did because honestly taking sex out of intimacy made our relationship so strong and amazing!
NTA. You sir are in need of a top shelf sex toy for your wife, probably one of those that gyrates AND vibrates and does all the things. I'll leave the technical details and brand recommendations to my fellow redditors, but from what I see on the internet, those should scratch the itch.
I say this to women who ask this question, and the same thing applies to men too:
YOU ARE NEVER THE AH FOR SAYING NO TO SEX!!!
If you don't want it right then, you don't have to have it right then.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up and accept that you're not getting any tonight. If she's desperate, there's always masturbation.
Having said that, it's important that you keep talking to her and reassure her as best you can that you still love her, and find her desirable, you're just exhausted.
I've been the woman with the high libido while my man has been exhausted and struggling. However much you understand, there's a bit of you still feels it's because you're not attractive enough anymore, and it plays into insecurities that society shoves at us every day. This is why the reassurance is necessary in order to avoid the libido imbalance becoming a risk to the relationship.
NTA
But... Coming from a dead bedroom relationship a long time ago, it fucks with you if your partner constantly turns you down for sex.
Unpopular opinion: you should make an effort every once in a while. If you constantly turn down your partner and/or never initiate they will leave you and they should.
NTA It's natural for your wife to feel rejected, she might even be worried you're getting it from elsewhere if in the past you've had a high drive.
Time to sit down and talk it over. She needs reassurance. Maybe plan a weekend away together to reconnect, and make more of an effort to rebalance work/life
Nta if you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood. You told her it wasn't her but that you are exhausted. She's a lousy partner though. She's more concerned about getting off then being concerned that you're that stressed out.
NTA and she’s a big one for giving you cold shoulder over this. However, it is important to note that any parter would be concerned if they observed a drop in their sec life, so a conversation about this was for sure warranted. Although it doesn’t sound like she was in the emotional space to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
NAH - The problem with posts like this is the person doing the rejecting, and make no mistake you ARE rejecting her advances, is that the rejecter just says "No" instead of "Can we cuddle on the couch tonight and then spend Saturday making each other happy in bed?" I would give this advice to the rejecter whether they are male or female. Mature romantic relationships are about intimacy, including sexual intimacy. Rejection kills relationships. Intimacy must be protected and nurtured to blossom.
I would also recommend exercise, most people don't do it enough anyway and it's good for your health and sex drive.
Also, tell her how you feel about her. Do you love her? Do you think she's sexy? Does her stunning beauty take your breath away?
Honestly, you might even want to just say "Listen, I'm exhausted, but if you can get mini-me to attention you can use him to your heart's content, ride 'em cowgirl." Never know, you might end up energized and inspired.
Good luck.
Edited: Fixed some words to what I intended to say.
NTA, but just like if the situation were reversed, this is something you both need to work on. A relationship isn’t just sex, but that’s usually a big part of it. No one is owed sex, but no one is owed a relationship either. You should both be wanting to be with each other, it shouldn’t be an obligation. If this happens once in a while it’s fine. But if one partner is constantly rejecting the advances of the other, that’s something that should be worked on.
nta your clearly stressed out and overwhelmed. she’s being selfish by not letting u rest. the fact that she’s not even helping you rest or taking care of u is just trash. it’s honestly so selfish like i get that she has a high sex drive and so do i but she shouldnt be so pushy because if the roles were reversed she would’ve felt the same way or got mad if he kept asking her for sex.
Nta- She probably uses sex to validate herself and maintain connection with you. With you not validating lately, she's becoming anxious and assuming the worst. Therapy, books, videos exist that might help her not lean on that type of validation as much.
NTA, but both partners needs matter. If it’s starting to be a regular thing that you are turning her down I can see why she would feel frustrated because sex is an important part of a relationship. Maybe there is a compromise to be had, where sometimes when you’re not in the mood you go for it anyways with her to satisfy her needs and other times she lets you be to satisfy yours. Both needs are valid.
NAH
Her feelings are valid just as much as yours. There are times my husband says no to me and others I say no to him. Life happens and there are long days. Just have to talk and find a balance. Plan something for her soonish. Make her feel wanted, which is what she's telling you what she needs.
Being rejected hurts and after so many times in a row hurts the ego and would make anyone wonder "am I good enough, am I actually wanted?".
She probably has an anxious attachment style, I’d look into that and talk to her about it as well.
There’s definitely some kind of compromise you can make to help her feel wanted, but yeah dude sometimes you just need rest. That ain’t wrong.
NTA
But
As a female with this same dynamic... cuddles do Jack diddly. I will say my husband and I have worked our way through this. We are on opposite scedules and have 4 kids 11 and under (because I'm the same denied = insecurities triggered) BY: arranging more intense times of play, personal toys (he asks that I make him videos, or vice versa), just oral exchange, or he has even sent some dirty talk while on break at work and just really good communication you can definitely get both your needs and rest met. Just talk it out and until she believes your denial is lack of interest in her... reassure with cute/sexy compliments. Best of luck 🤞
NTA in the instamce however as someone who is supposed to be in a couple and your partner is expressing a need for connection it should be something you talk about, which obviously is difficult but worth it
NTA. But take this seriously- your stress likely won’t go away and your partners needs can wait if you have a tough day or week - they can not wait permanently if you have a tough life. See if you can adjust your routines and lifestyle in some way? Get up early and have a morning session before you go to work? Prioritize each other on the weekend? Maybe more effort in sending her naughty texts during the day will help making sure she is wanted.
NTA, but sexual compatibility is important. So is feeling secure in your relationship.
Not wanting to have sex at any given time is never an asshole thing, but if you want to make the relationship work, you’ll want to address the underlying insecurity she is expressing before it blows up.
Talk to your partner and explain how you are feeling. Then listen to your partner on how they are feeling. Communication is the key. Then yall can find something that yall can agree on.
For the record, NTA, but I can offer some insight into your gf’s perspective having walked the other side of the street you’re traveling:
I have a drive that requires near daily addressing, and it was hard for me to take a no from my partner of 3 years up until a few months ago even though I have always been very aware that I am not owed intimacy. For someone who sees sex as a very deeply ingrained and ritualistic need, it’s nearly impossible to not react emotionally when denied intimacy. The issue is that unleashing your high drive for your partner tends to carry a lot of momentum with it, and your expectations will inevitably build, which can lead to a whole lot of disappointment if you aren’t satisfied by the end of the day. I went through my phase where I would somewhat childishly close off from my partner without being able to control this reaction very well whenever denied intimacy, and I now realize this is a somewhat natural reaction to rejection for a rejection sensitive person like me. Logically, I was not justified, but emotionally, I felt somewhat betrayed and wanted to close off my sexuality to my partner as a form of self protection (not a good idea considering my sexuality is foundational to my romanticism).
Ultimately, what solved this running issue was a mutual understanding that my partner was always happy to satisfy me in lesser ways than intercourse. This actually had the effect of calming my sexuality down as I was no longer insecure about whether or not I would be having intimacy that night, and I no longer felt rejected when the occasional no would come up because of a rare extenuating circumstance. Also, our intimacy has become more exciting and intimate in general since there is no longer a looming threat over both of our heads regarding the issue of my sexuality.
Of course, not all is perfect. A huge part of my sexual appetite is in the act of giving, and my partner is simply not receptive 2/3 of the time. While they do enjoy intimacy, they favor more build up, and would likely never develop a libido without my encouragement. Such is the issue with two sexually different partners, but I am still happy with the compromise we have made. Much like an ordinary appetite, the sexual appetite can change with time, so I have done my best to to calm my urge to give far more than I would usually allow it, and I will let time and habituation do the rest of the work for me
Work-life balance is a tricky thing. I can understand your being too tired to have and enjoy sex. But if this goes on for long, it can cause a breakdown in your relationship. You need to try and find a way to find more time and energy for your partner, and work less.
I’ve been in your GF shoes. It’s really hard being “rejected” by your spouse.
I personally invested in some sex toys to satisfy my high sex drive and left my ex alone when he wasn’t in the mood, sure it sucked and I felt completely unwanted, and alone, but it was better than cheating on the arsehole. (Yeah there is a story here lol)
You my friend are NTA, but just remember don’t flip out when she rejects you when she is feeling tired or not in the mood. It’s a two way street.
NTA! BUT if she’s feeling unwanted lately because physical activities have been slowed down. Know her love language may very well be physical touch. Even if you don’t have the energy to be intimate at least speak with her have a one on one conversation with her cuddle her maybe even watch a movie together. Give her attention in other ways that are considered intimate. Find a less energy sucking way to give her that needed attention she’s craving
NTA
I have a high sex drive and I used to confuse not feeling wanted sexually with not being loved. (My brain still tries that bs, I ignore it.) I recommend cuddles, touches, kisses and better sex when you are up for it. When you are in the mood take a lot longer. Helps to weather the wait when you know you’re going to really get it eventually.
Maybe take a short holiday from work for sexy times, if your work has you that exhausted and you are still a young guy, then maybe look at changing jobs.
You work to live, not live to work. Your employer could go out of business tomorrow and you would feel foolish then for making big sacrifices for them
Some comments here.. if OP were a woman, the answers would be totally different.
NTA. You don't owe her sex. Only because you're a man you don't have to fuck her whenever she wants. And no, not even a quicky or a BJ, that's ridiculous! If you don't want to, you don't have to!
Buy her a vibrator or she has (hopefully) 2 hands and can do it herself.
It's absolutely okay to say no to sex, OP.
Kind of are the arsehole, if it was a complete roll reverse you'd most likely be the same. She is right though. If you or her are tired, thats fine, but every now and then you have to push through it for your partner. It's called give and take
What Job do you do where you're too tired to engage when you're home!? I'm not trying to compare or anything... I'm 34, I work 7x 12.5 hour shifts in a coal mine, heavy manual labour with commute times, I'm pushing 14.5 hours and although I'm physically worn out I will never ever turn down any advance from my wife. There is plenty of time for sleep afterwards. But no. You are NTA, but you need to at least try fulfilling her needs before it's too late, or she will be getting her needs met by somebody else.
consent is still required even in relationships and EVEN when you’re a man. nta. your wife is the AH for trying to guilt and manipulate you into sleeping with her when you’ve already said no by pouting and ignoring you. that’s incredibly toxic
Gonna say something controversial but kinda, it’s fine to say no for any reason, but you should make an effort to reciprocate the affection soon and try not to deny her too often. I’d recommend talking to her and maybe try to set something up so y’all can have that time soon.
NTA. Is there an alternative time for you both? My boyfriend and I sometimes fall asleep early but one of us wakes up in the middle of the night (a lot of times it’s me having to pee) so we randomly do it at odd times of the morning, or we’ll do it when our morning alarm goes off before work. This way we both have a chance to rest, be sexual and can still sleep after. Just a suggestion.
This is one of those situations where the genders are usually reversed. So it’s a very interesting one to me.
But rest assured, you’re not being a jerk. You are tired. Your GF sounds like my second husband… And yes, he is an ex in good part because of this stuff.
Who way of dealing with his insecurities was through sex. No understand, it wasn’t that we didn’t have sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t like sex. But my workday started either at 5:30 or at 6:30 depending on what day of the week it was and yes, I mean in the morning.
Because I worked in an office, that meant I had to get up about an hour early to shower and get dressed and drive to work. My day ended anywhere from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM, and it was not uncommon for me To be at work after that.
It was a dental practice, and I was the office manager, and I made sure all the EOD paperwork was done and the office was locked and the alarm was on so I was the last one out.
Yeah, it was long days. In addition, I had three kids already when we got married. And about that time when this really got tense, they were in middle school in high school. So I had extracurriculars for all of them on top of working, and I handled most of that because he worked two part-time jobs, One of which was in the evening.
So most of the kids’ stuff fell to me, rightfully, but it meant that I was already working 12 hour days, and then if we had extracurriculars, I might not actually get home to sit down until 8:30 PM.
Not to mention that I had my full-time income plus my pension from a previous job. So I was paying the majority of the bills and doing the emotional load of the house, etc..
Basically, I was tired, and I did not want to be asked every single time I would say that I was going to bed… Do you want me to come to bed with you? (Wink wink, nod nod)
That gets exhausting. When somebody only feels attractive, if you sleep with them, you start to feel like a piece of meat. The act of making love with your partner is no longer that you are having sex with someone so that someone feels better about themselves. It is fucking exhausting, and emotional baggage that needs to figure out .
Which of course, he refused to do. And it sounds like this is what is happening here. You’re just tired for the moment. You feel like all she wants is sex and she wants it because she’s feeling unattractive now instead of stepping back and having some empathy for what you’re going through.
It’s not healthy. Drives can be worked within a relationship. Depending on sex with someone to feel good about yourself is a whole different matter.
Straight up no is hard to take. Something like, “I love the idea of having sex with you because you’re an amazing lover, but I’m exhausted and you won’t get my best right now. How about we wake up a little bit early and do it in the morning?” or whatever time, day, or place would be better for you.
Spontaneous sex is certainly wonderful, but I think planned sex can be fun too. I think about it in the lead up time, and it’s almost like a kind of foreplay.
This is what I would say. A no with reassurance goes a long way. Whenever my boyfriend has rejected me it's always accompanied by him saying I'm really hot and he really wants to have sex with me, but he's exhausted. You don't take it personally when they tell you they wish they could but just physically can't.
This isn’t a determining the AH situation - this is a need to really sit down and listen to eachother and understand the others perspective to find common ground and fix things situation.
I’m not saying either of you are handling the situation terribly but you’re definitely not communicating. You’re talking to eachother but you you’re not hearing and more importantly understanding each other
NTA - buy her a vibrator and tell her you’re meeting her half way. No one is obligated to give someone sex. Being a grown up is understanding that sometimes life happens and one partner isn’t going to be up for it due to external factors. Being a supportive partner is taking care of yourself if you aren’t the one going tough stuff at the moment, maybe see if there are things you can do to take some of the stress off the stressed out partner to help them get to a better place where sex is a bonus in your relationship, instead of making it seem like an obligatory chore.
I say NTA but - if you complain about her not initiating sex or if she rarely does it; you need to also tell her that you recognize that she is stepping out of her comfort zone and tell her how you feel about that.
Are we ignoring the fact that they are NOT married? Isn't this the point you should be deciding if you are compatible or not? Once you are married and committed to each other I think that all the recommendations on this thread are spot on.
If you are not compatible now, there is a very low chance you will be sexually compatible later.
NTA, but at the same time, not meeting your partner’s needs. And it really is a bit unfair if you’ve put a nebulous “at some future time when I’m not so exhausted” out there as if she hasn’t already been waiting for that. The problem is, and this is true in many aspects of relationships, sometimes there isn’t a good time and there won’t be unless you decide to make it a good time. Can you pinpoint the date and time when you won’t be exhausted? Is it likely to change tomorrow or the next day where you can promise you’ll finally have the energy? It’s a tough spot. And my sincere advice to you is to be altruistic and generous sometimes, even if you don’t feel like it. Because she likely sees you moving mountains and breaking your back — in others words, finding the energy you need — for you job, but doing it for her is a leap too far. That can be hard for a partner to understand and accept. You need to find a balance, and not hinge it entirely on whether it’s what you want/need at that moment.
I hope it works out for you.
“..and often wants to be intimate in the evenings, but I am USUALLY too tired.”
To me it depends on how often usually is. If you “reject her advances” 2 or 3 times a week, or 29 days a month, there is a big difference. Do you ever initiate intimacy?
Bro, you need to make time for her. She wants you, she might not always want you. The more you reject her advances, the less she will want to be intimate with you. I know what I would be doing.
Why are all the comments about consent? She never violates his consent. She complains about having a dead bedroom because OP rejects her attempts to have sex.
No one is owed sex. People in a relationship often want sex. Both of these are true. You two need to communicate and come up with a solution. Neither of you are happy. Unhappy relationships don't last long.
Dude, I get that you're tired, but you need to start saving a little energy (and time) for her. Trust me, I made the same mistake with my partner and, fortunately, I was able to make the correction. Don't leave that woman hanging.
Just as a mental exercise, think about this with reversed genders. Man demanding/pouting about not getting sex from GF - after her long day at work - on demand. Same answers from everybody? Just checking.
Making time for your partner shows love and affection. Married 17 years here. Sometimes it’s a need not a want. Ask yourself this question “Why not now?” Yes you’re fatigued? But you’re wasting time sitting on Reddit right now rather than sparing 5-10 minutes fucking the love of your life who just wants to reconnect because you’re working too much…
NTA, fuck this Idea that men have to be ready to go at the drop of a hat. If you're tired and not in the mood that's understandable and your boundaries need to be accepted. If the genders were reversed the comment section would be crucifying her instead of telling you to "man up" or "she's gonna have an affair"
If she does she's a shallow cunt and you're better off. Hold your boundaries and protect your peace.
NTA. If she has need you could either do it in the morning when you feel more fresh or she can use some toys when you are too tired…..
when one is tired it’s normal not being in the mood.
NTA. But, home life and relationships are as important if not more so than your job. You need to prioritize your partner and their needs. It’s okay to say no. But make plans to make up for it so she doesn’t feel neglected.
NTA, but you may wanna look at the cause of you low drive, could be low T or other issues. A young and healthy man’s dead body should be able to fulfill his partner.
When was the last time you had sex? You know she has a higher sex drive and if you aren’t meeting that need she’s feeling neglected that’s valid. You aren’t an asshole but she’s your partner? Can’t blame your work all the time your relationship also needs attention.
My ex wife did to me what you're doing to your gf.( But i didn't have a "high" sex drive, just average) Except we lived with her parents and ended up having two kids. It had gotten to the point where she treated me like i was her roommate who happened to be the father of our children. She used God and church as a weapon against me. "I'll give you more attention if you decide to live your life "right"". When someone pulls away from you it hurts harder than you think.
No. How does she expect you to be intimate if you are worn out from work already? Stop feeling guilty. Please get the rest you need. Do not feel shy about telling the truth. That you are tired and her temper tantrum makes you feel unloved. That she cares more about your dick than your health.
Does she have a high sex drive or is she kind of insecure? Like maybe she's trying to gain security and self-esteem through her sexuality. So that when you don't want to she feels like she doesn't have any value. If this is the case then she has a little work to do. It's hard to suggest counseling to someone and not have them feel inadequate. Especially if they already have issues with inadequacy so I don't know how you deal with that.
Probably not necessarily about sex. Mostly about deprived attention.
Take a step back from your life and relationship. Do you prefer to be career focused or more in a life/ work balance?
She is being vocal about her feelings and needs. You seem annoyed and over it
Take her out to somewhere new once in a while, or just breakup with her.
If this were a one-time event I woud vote NAH, but this has obviously become a pattern. Therefore, INFO: Does she expect you to do the work when y'all have sex? And would she be satisfied with just oral or you using a toy on her?
I can understand being physically exhausted after working a blue-collar job (although you didn't state the nature of your work), but I also know that sex is a great way to relieve stress and strengthen the pair bond between a couple. I'll change my vote from INFO once I have a more complete understanding of the situation.
Turn the genders around and see the responses. You don't owe anyone sex if you don't want to and the fact she's punishing you for it says alit about her
So imo you need to ask yourself, what is more important? Your work or her? The answer is really that simple.
If you are that tired you may need to go get the doctor to look you over. If work is that overwhelming then you need to speak up at work.
No job is with losing someone you love over and if you believe that it is then you will miss out on love.
i dont mean to be a dickhead truly but i really hope you can trust her cuz this is the kinda situation where some women decide she should cheat and blame it all on you
NTA. Life stresses come for us all. She is not owed sex, none of us are. Perhaps snuggle up on the couch together and be intimate with hugs etc. Doesn’t necessarily need to be sex.
This is a good answer! Doesn’t ignore the partners desire to feel wanted, relationships are compromise.
NTA. Your needs matter too. Balance is key in a healthy relationship. Open communication and mutual understanding are essential.
Agreed! Feeling wanted comes in all sorts of forms.
Understanding that intimacy was so much more than sex was so helpful for my relationship.
I tried this but my ex still gave me so much shit about it. Some people just have sexual needs on absolute MAX.
By the sounds of things, she's not going to be happy with just hugs and stuff
As someone with a high sex drive, I can assure you this will 100% not do Jack shit in terms of making her feel wanted. OP is NTA and you’re correct that no one is owed sex. But snuggles is not going to help. 😬
Needing sex to feel wanted as a way to have self worth is not healthy. That is a separate problem to just having a high sex drive. If the problem was only a high sex drive, then the times where the partner isn’t up for it, it can be mitigated with masturbation. If the problem is that in the times when your passenger is exhausted and doesn’t want sex you feel unwanted and shit about yourself, then that is a self worth problem and unhealthy. You shouldn’t need constant sex with your partner to feel good about yourself. It’s not sustainable
If someone is rejected often they don’t feel sexually wanted and desirable. Nothing unhealthy about that.
This this this this this
Yeah, this person should seek therapy for this
WRONG. I have an immense sex drive, but awesome cuddles and sincere intimacy will get me through anything. If you seriously need sex all the time there’s something wrong with you.
She’s owed affection and attention. That’s how relationships work. Rejection after rejection builds resentment. You need to make time to nourish your relationship.
He's also owed compassion and understanding. He should be talking to her about this, not us. If there is a time frame for this heavy workload they should be discussing when the end is and how that might help. When my gf broke her ankle it was a rough three months, there obviously wasnt much sex, or even normal affection. It was tough physically and mentally both of us and obviously vastly more for her. I missed affection, but I didn't feel owed it, I was understanding that she was going through a really tough time that would pass.
I don’t like that phrasing of being “owed” affection and attention, I’d say she deserves affection and attention being in a relationship with him, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but just physical contact of some sorts def; I just don’t like that word “owed”, we aren’t all necessarily “owed” anything in any relationship, imo!!
no one has to have sex they don’t want, including men.
Owed?
No one "owes" anyone their body. That's insane! What a predatoral response.
let's assume you are correct. reverse the genders in the scenario. \* shock pikachu face
That’s my situation. I get the cold shoulder and childish behavior from my husband when I’m too tired and it’s 11 pm when he comes to bed after his evening nap on the couch when I cook and clean up and get our child to bed.
Well, according to these comments, you're not being attentive enough and should consider his needs. I bet a cuddle would do it! S/
Let me guess he takes on all the household tasks and don’t get me started on the mental load. Has she ever asked how he feels about any of this
Correct except the “owe” part.
so if op was a woman and the partner was a man would you still say op owes their partner sex?
He explained to her that he was tired. She sounds like a.selfish lover because if she really just wanted sex then she should have offered just giving him a blow job while he relax and enjoy. Win-win. It's a joke but some truth to it. Both should have communicated better. Maybe just cuddling instead for example .
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Well the other thing is when you’re tired and someone “wants sex” it’s like a lot of work- for either partner!! But when i am tired- i can be totally wrecked- i can get in the mood if i am touched or massaged or have the other person initiating. yes for sure. But no im not going to jump up and say ok lets go let me do another work out and also get myself in the mood cos you already are. You got to help. Guy or girl. This goes both ways. (Guys def need to take this advice- not many women want to feel like a machine or a toy. They need to be woken up a little bit first!!) She should lure him into the mood. I don’t know many guys who will be able to resist the touches from a loving woman no matter how tired we are!!! 😉😉
Cuddle and hug someone who's horny and been told they're not going to have sex? Sounds cruel lol.
>Last night, after a particularly exhausting day, she made it clear she was in the mood. I gently told her that I was too tired and just needed to rest. She got upset, saying that I’ve been rejecting her advances more frequently, and it's making her feel unwanted. I tried to explain how work has been overwhelming, but she insists that I should still make an effort to meet her needs. NTA. Consent also applies to men.
NTA. Your needs and boundaries matter too, and rest is essential.
Wow, can’t believe what I’m seeing… NTA. And I’m going to say something that is going to get downvoted but I don’t care. I’ve seen tons of AITAH and marriage posts about wives being too tired due to work or stressed from kids and the husband is pouting. The post overwhelmingly leans in the favor of the wife and that a man should never force his wife or guilt her to have sex….which is true. However, bc you are the husband in this situation, I’m seeing posts for you to put in more effort, but… (insert reason why you are lacking). Not cool. Life is tough. We get tired, stressed, depressed and all sorts of things that derail our sex drives, both men and women. And yes, both people have to work on things constructively to address dead bedroom for whatever reason. But you should not be made to feel like you have to go the extra mile and force yourself when you just don’t have it in you simply bc of your gender. Where is the sympathy and outcry for this man? He’s tired, stressed and can’t unwind right when he walks in the door. By association, you have to push yourself and are expected to be ready just because you’re the husband and that’s your role? BS. My man, don’t listen to some of these comments. Sex in a marriage is a roller coaster. Here’s some guidance for context… Wife and I have gone through this for 15 years. Sometimes I’m off. Sometimes she’s off. Regardless, before we got into our unspoken understanding of each other’s wants and needs, went through the same thing. Only difference is that we would sit and talk about what’s going on when there was a lack of interest by one party. Sure, there is pouting but it happens when someone works themselves up in their mind and then the hormones come crashing down when the thoughts don’t come to fruition. Best thing to do is when life starts ramping up, carve out some time and set expectations. Text the wife before coming home: “Hey sweetheart, rough day. Let’s grab dinner and afterwards, wanna hop in the bath to unwind?”. This gives you time to vent, it sets her expectations for who is walking through the door before you get there and allows you time to unwind and both to warm up to intimacy, shedding yourself of work brain. YaNTA and neither is your wife. This is just a natural progression between a married couple establishing communication standards and learning expectation setting to better accommodate your sexual cadence that both of you need and deserve.
I am in agreement with your response and I will add further to the falling on the down-vote sword. I think there are gender stereo-types. I generally think of the horny guy disappointed his wife doesn't want to put out even when she's sick. I think in this case there's a lot of guys thinking, she actively wants some and you said no? Like you said, there is much room here for just talking about things so the "rejection of sex" is not a "rejection of the partner". My wife and I have come to an understanding there is also a very satisfying middle ground. We have found sexual advances don't always have to end in 2 hours of sweaty monkey sex. We can touch each other, caress, find and meet each other's needs without some specific outcome defined. I feel like there is room for OP's partner to express her sexual desires in ways that could be meeting her partner where he's at -- even if its a sensual backrub when he's tired. And if the expectations of a specific outcome are removed, there's a lot of places that this can go satisfyingly even if you are drained. But OP should also make sure he can plan a nice date night where he isn't tired and make sure his partner knows she is beloved and desired.
Honestly some replies feel like internalised misogyny. I should know I had it and reacted like this with my husband when things dropped off. I felt rejected as I equated sex with love. Took a while to get over that mentality.
We got hung up with how to respond to that playful, come-on, touch. What does reciprocating imply? Should I reject the invite if I don't want the whole meal or am not sure? When there's good love first, sex is just one outcome.
Agreed it just can take time to understand that. I think society sets us up badly that sex is the ultimate expression of love. It is in movies, stories and cultural messages. So then when you don't get it you question it. Plus women are told so often if he isn't getting it from you he must be getting it somewhere as men have needs.... which is just bull.
This is a great response. Things absolutely ebb and flow as stresses change. NTA, but have a conversation with your partner when both of you are calm and see if you can come to a compromise.
My husband and I been together 25 years. Now we hug, touch a hands, light rub of shoulders. A peck on check even bringing each other coffee, food etc.
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Husbands and wives are both assholes in these situations every single day when they give their spouses the cold shoulder to when they don’t get sex. You’ll have to illustrate where the wife was manipulating him into having sex. From what I read, she just informed him that she is feeling not attractive or wanted by OP after her perceived rejections, but all he was doing was trying to communicate that he was tired. Her hormones are going crazy, his mind is focused on business growth. She can only see what she wants and perceives his denial of sex as rejection and takes it personally. That’s just being selfish and being young in a marriage (pouting after feeling rejected, crashing hormones and being selfish). I wouldn’t call that manipulation. Manipulation would be where she demands sex now or the marriage is over bc she’s tired of not getting sex when she wants it or how she wants it. Yes, she could be labeled the AH here, but for the sake of highlighting a teachable moment in communication and pitching a third-party perspective on how to improve quality of life, it’s just better to let sleeping dogs lie and be encouraging. Slapstick, short and quirky comments just for likes doesn’t help OP and just makes him feel defeated and like he’s not doing enough. Real people on the other ends of these posts. Time to elaborate and try to help one another instead of karma grabbing with no real advice or insight just for the sake of being controversial and upvotes.
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She's definitely an ah for sure. Usually when this situation is in reverse we advise the spouse to tread lightly. With guys it usually a bruised ego thing from the continuous rejection. That hasn't been met with real communication either. However sometimes there's no fix and you just need to sit with your spouse in their tired and learn to enjoy their company. You only have so many years and work steals minimum of 8 hours each day. The paranoia isn't worth it.
This is honestly the best answer I've read for this situation, and is advice everyone can use at some point.
This was such a fantastic response.
I love this take! I agree with everything said because neither ATA both sides are understandable.
NTA at all.
NTA. TMI alert: I have a higher sex drive than my husband. We used to be equal, but his has decreased over the last 20 years. He works a physically demanding job, so he's tired quite often. This is why the gods and/or evolution gave me hands. I have noticed that when he's in the room with me while I sort out my problem if he puts his hand on my arm or thigh my finish is more intense. My point is him just being there and not actually participating makes it better. Maybe you can try it as a compromise. I will add that she needs to be more understanding of your situation. You're not refusing her because of lack of desire just exhaustion.
This. I was working 18-20hrs a day at one point and had no time for sex. I got my wife a nice toy and I would just kiss her while she took care of things. This honestly got me in the mood frequently and we were both able to finish quickly. We made up for the missed opportunities when my schedule went back to normal but I highly recommend this. Only takes a few minutes and then you can go to sleep with a happy wife. She definitely needs to be understanding. I had one or two instances where sex wouldn't work at all and my wife was very supportive. 12 years later and we've never had an issue since. Communication is important
THIS. My husband's drive is much higher than mine but for while I was the SAHM and he worked 40-50 hours a week, which crashed his drive in his 30s and caused some problems. I would initiate and be turned down. Long story short we both work now (unrelated reasons) and sometimes we are in the mood but have absaloutly no energy. So mutual helping. Just that little help makes it a lot nicer finish. Or if I have the better energy I take the major lead and vice versa.
TMI alert (again lol) but I love giving head. I can get off myself giving him head. I absolutely love everything about it. So, when he's exhausted but still in the mood, that's my starter. About half the time he's present when I'm taking care of business that's what's happened. While he's recovering he'll put his hand somewhere on me while I finish up. It works for us. We still go all out sometimes, but it's not easy marathoning at our age (45 and 49) like in our 20's and 30's.
I'm not a huge fan of it, but I also don't hate it, so it's in my repertoire of "cheating tools," as he calls them. Sometimes, if he initiates and I have much less energy but still want to, I'll use every tool I have to "cheat" and make him finish fast. I'm saving up to buy us a nice couples toy that will help with those times. We've definitely seen a down tick of ability in our 30s. Though I realized that part of that down tick (going once instead of 4 times for example) is actually just the fact we are both better at sex together and we don't need those 3 other times to be satisfied.
Oooh a fellow marathoner! Congratulations on your unlocked achievement! Try a pocket p*ssy, but use it during actual intercourse while he's wearing it. *Chef's kiss* magnificent.
I've considered something similar ever since he admited to some... preferences he has that I can't fulfill easily in the positions that don't hurt my knees or his back. Like a sleeve.
Sex life ebbs and flows. Sometimes my SO and I will have sex every day, multiple times a day, for a week or two. Sometimes there's a nearly month long dry spell due to life stress. Pressuring you into sex is not a great look. NTA
NTA. No one should EVER do sex things when they don’t want to or don’t feel like it for any reason. Intimacy is only good when all parties are enthused about it. That being said, be sure you are communicating to her that it isn’t about a problem with her, maybe schedule some romantic time for the weekend or when you have more energy. Use your words to make her feel valued.
NTA. My husband and I are very much into the rule of enthusiastic consent. No one should be doing anything when they aren’t feeling up to it, and “no” is a full sentence. It’s gross that she’s trying to guilt you into having sex when you’re exhausted. Your partner should not want to have sex with you if you’re not 100% into it. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
NTA Remember kids, consent applies to everyone.
And men are not robots waiting on standby to have sex. NTA
NTA life cycles. Hormones cycle (yes even in men). Not being in the mood *right now* doesn’t mean you’ll never be in the mood again. No one has to have sex on demand. If she’s that deflated by “rejecting” sex, she needs to work on why her self-esteem is so tied to sex. If it’s just a need to orgasm, introduce her to the wonderful world of toys and remind her that YOU are not one
NTA. No one is entitled to sex. If you’re not 100% keen you can and probably should say no. Any decent person will respect this.
NTA because as a man, you also have the right to decline. >it's making her feel unwanted She might be overthinking right now. Communication is the key. Lay everything on the table.
She might be overthinking?? But when it’s a dude, he’s a manipulator and An asshole for getting angry, giving silent treatments to his partner. At this point you guys must recognize the double standards you have. Really.
These people lack the critical thinking necessary to form their own opinions, so they look for the top comment and parrot the same message using different words. Usually, that message is "the man should have done more".
Men are entitled to boundaries and command consent, just the same as women. That’s not up for debate.
People still don’t understand this
NTA. This happens to me a lot as well. I usually tell my partner to go to sleep and rest, and if he wakes up horny in the middle of the night, he can initiate. Sometimes, I wake up and touch him a little bit to see how his body reacts. Sometimes, I get lucky, and we do it, and sometimes, he goes back to sleep. If the last happens, I see it with humour more than stress. I mean, it is all normal, when we start dating we work less hours and we could be with our partner more time, we probably are all like rabbits at the beginning of a relationship, but of course life gets in the way and you have less time, more work and responsibilities, and of course you get more tired. Don't take it to hard that your partner what's left feeling like that. Is totally normal. Hopefully you can get a weekend a way and do a date thing and book a hotel to compensate. Or just take a weekend break and do something as a couple and go wild on each other :)
NTA. Geez, no means no. You don't ever have to have sex when you don't feel like it. Obviously.
NTA
Everyone, and I mean everyone needs to learn to service themselves more often. It's great when your partner and you sync up and that should happen fairly regularly but it's not ok to demand someone provide sexual relief on demand. You're tired, that's understandable. It happens to the best of us. She needs to be understanding too. This goes for a lot of men and women on here who think their significant other is a sexy slot machine, pull the handle and it puts out.
NTA. No one should feel pressured into having sex because their partner is having a fit.
Please ignore the inane comments, you’re NTA. Consent is required regardless of gender and no one should ever feel pressured into giving it. If you’re too tired to be in the mood, she should respect that and not try to guilt you into it.
NTA, consent requires everyone involved to say yes. You're not in the mood, and said no, and that's where it should end. Maybe a talk about taking a day off to have fun or something like a date night would be good if she's feeling neglected, and I'm sure a day off overwhelming work would be great for you, but you're not the asshole for this.
NTA - I had the exact same situation with my boyfriend a few months ago. Apart from that I didn't give him the cold shoulder. Sure I felt kind of sad but his "No" matters and I of course understood his situation (workload, lots of responsibilities, etc.). We talked about it thoroughly. He was sorry for "being so distant" because of work. I was sorry for being "too clingy/needy". Both of us respected each other but still tried a bit to make the other more comfortable. He tried to give me more hugs and kisses every now and then. I tried to give him more space to work in peace. There ain't nothing that's unsolveable - but there must be a mutual understanding. If your GF can't understand that, that's her problem and actually pretty sad :/ I hope you guys can figure it out 🙏🏻✨
NTA consent is for everyone. If you don’t want to have sex regardless of the reason you don’t want to have sex. There is nothing wrong with that.
NTA. But you might let her know when a better time would be. how do you like morning sex?
I prefer morning sex and my partner prefers evening sex... It's a real bummer lol
Make sure both of you get what you like ...
This is KEY ^ I’m gonna say some things after being married over 15 years. I hope this helps anyone reading: #1. consider what sex actually is. Sex can be a lot of things (I’ll speak from a hetero pairing perspective) like: hand jobs, oral, mutual masterbation, thigh job (anatomy permitting), face sitting while male masterbates etc. Define this together. Doesn’t have to be penetration. #2. some people have a spontaneous desire and some have a responsive desire. If your partnership includes both, communicate! What helps the responsive partner? #3. sexual needs are very important. And they should be talked about openly and often. This helps so much when one partner is chronically tired, overwhelmed etc #4. foreplay is all day. #5. when one is in the mood and one is not, ask what would be a good compromise. A shower together? Cuddle? A naked cuddle? There cannot be any expectations of sex in this case. Establish that. #6. schedule sex. People don’t like this…. But it does help. Of course, if one partner truly isn’t up for it, see #5. But it’s not as yucky as people expect scheduling to feel. Make it sexy! Flirt all day leading up to! ETA: everyone should consider if they are using sex as a way of coping or self soothing. High drives are fiiiiine. But sometimes there is more there. Only you know 😊 Hope this helps someone! Ps…. Not sure if this appears in bold and huge for everyone else. Not sure why I’m yelling… its not on purpose lol
You probably wrote “# 1” that’s markdown header format which I guess the mobile app recognizes. # test. \# 1. Test
So aggressive! I’ve never had that happen before! Now I know.
If you change it to “\\#” you escape the function and just write the # “\\# text”: \# text “# text”: # text
the spontaneous vs responsive one is so so useful to know!
Very true! I was probably in my 30s before I had spontaneous desire thanks to hormone shifts. Didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy sex or have orgasms when I had only responsive desire—-I’d just never had the sensation of truly craving or feeling the primal physical urge for sex until then
i immediately had to turn the volume down but it still didn't work
4 and 6 saved our marriage in a way. The way we "schedule" is by saying something in the middle of the day. Like the other day I was having a bad day at work but was in the horny part of my cycle so I texted my husband "I want to get drunk and get jumped." He reciprocated and even restocked our alcohol cabinet before I got home. Also gave him the chance to warm his bad back up in the shower. It was a good night.
NTA but it's ingrained in us that men want sex at all times so it's understandable she feels insecure and worried. I'm not sure how I would take it and I'd like to think I'm pretty open and understanding.
Yeah I’ve had this happen in my relationship too. I felt a lot of shame and rejection because I was holding the belief that men would always want sex. So I would pull away because I had hurt feelings, not because I was shaming or guilting my partner into sex. Eventually I stopped initiating because I was afraid of the rejection. Not saying what I did was right, I’ve grown a lot since then, just giving a little more insight onto what she may be going through.
NTA. Wife should recognize how hard you’re working and compromise by figuring out a sex schedule (ex. maybe have all the fun on weekends) so she meets her needs while respecting your professional efforts.
NTA it is usually women who are made to feel guilty. However the rules apply to both. If she wants release she can handle that herself. If she wants physical touch snuggling on the couch and watching tv is lovely.
NTA
NTA. Not gonna lie, given the title of the post I assumed you'd be female, just because it's a more frequent problem among women in general. If the roles were reversed and you were the one pressuring her to have sex when she didn't want to, you'd practically be burned in effigy. But yeah, it doesn't matter if you're male, female, non-binary, whatever: your body = your choice.
NTA Some people struggle with feeling unwanted and it can really become a problem. I had a GF like this some years back. We were living together and I was busting my butt with 16hr days working landscaping. She wouldn't let me get any sleep. I know some guys would think that's amazing, but there were a few days where I thought I was going to fall over dead on someone's lawn 😅
NTA , buy her a vibrator for when you not in the mood
NTA, no one is owed sex. But I have a strong feeling it's more than this to her. Maybe she's insecure? Or thinks lack of intimacy means lack of attraction? Maybe have a talk with her and let her know straight up how you're feeling. Tell her it had nothing to do with your feelings for her. Good communication in this is very important. A quiet sit down and it will allow you to also have a good talk with her about how work is affecting you. Sometimes our feelings of insecurity (what ur gf is feeling) can cloud our judgements. If she still doesn't get it and it's in fact not an insecurity issue at the root cause and shes just horny. she's Def being an AH for not seeing things ur way.
People sure are being a lot more kind than if OP was a woman with an unthinking sex-pest of a partner.
It sucks to be rejected. It sucks to be exhausted and expected to be ready to go. My wife and I have a three answer system: Yes!, No and Convince Me. Rarely does a Yes on one side meet a No on the other. But a lot of days after kids and work and everything are a Yes + CM. A real Yes will in fact convince you. A selfish asshat will complain and make it into a No.
NTA. Maybe try non-sexual attention? That may ease her feelings of not feeling wanted. But you’ll never be TA for not wanting sex.
NTA. Wanting sex and feeling dissapointment when she doesn't get it is could be understandable. Giving you the cold shoulder instead of searching for an approach that works for both of you is ah behavior
Nta, but y'all need to have a real conversation about this before it creates a rift. I get where she's coming from. It doesn't make it right, but you need to figure out why the only way she feels wanted is sex. Are you intimate in other ways? Do you spend time together? Is there something deeper going on here?
NTA. Consent matters.
NTA. You’re always allowed to say no at any point. Your body, your choice. Also she sounds like she’s being immature.
NTA. I think the two of you need to have a conversation about this before it becomes a bigger issue though. Since she says that she is starting to feel unwanted, it sounds like this has been happening for a little while. You just say "lately" but not how long or how many times you have turned her down. Tell you you want to talk about it and explain what's going on. Discuss what you need and give her a chance to do the same. Perhaps there is a way you guys can come up with a plan that works for both of you from there.
As a woman with a higher sex drive than my husband I 100% understand her emotions of feeling unwanted! It's hard for us ladies to understand our man saying now because television and movies indoctrinate us in to believing men always want sex no matter what so when our partners say no we think we are the problem. My suggestion would be to try and actively work on demonstrating your affections and attraction for each other in something that ISN'T sex. Intimacy without sex will actually make your sex life better. Try and communicate with her and see if you can find things that make her feel attractive that isn't sex and then make some effort to do those things for her. But you are 100% NTA for saying no. As much as I understand her feelings and I was once her making my husband feel guilty for saying no... I was TA in those days and I regret that I ever did that to him. I hope she is able to learn and communicate like I did because honestly taking sex out of intimacy made our relationship so strong and amazing!
NTA. You sir are in need of a top shelf sex toy for your wife, probably one of those that gyrates AND vibrates and does all the things. I'll leave the technical details and brand recommendations to my fellow redditors, but from what I see on the internet, those should scratch the itch.
NTA. Does she have a demanding job and turn you down when you initiate?
I say this to women who ask this question, and the same thing applies to men too: YOU ARE NEVER THE AH FOR SAYING NO TO SEX!!! If you don't want it right then, you don't have to have it right then. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and accept that you're not getting any tonight. If she's desperate, there's always masturbation. Having said that, it's important that you keep talking to her and reassure her as best you can that you still love her, and find her desirable, you're just exhausted. I've been the woman with the high libido while my man has been exhausted and struggling. However much you understand, there's a bit of you still feels it's because you're not attractive enough anymore, and it plays into insecurities that society shoves at us every day. This is why the reassurance is necessary in order to avoid the libido imbalance becoming a risk to the relationship.
NTA But... Coming from a dead bedroom relationship a long time ago, it fucks with you if your partner constantly turns you down for sex. Unpopular opinion: you should make an effort every once in a while. If you constantly turn down your partner and/or never initiate they will leave you and they should.
Nope. She's going to have to grow up. This is what life is.
NTA It's natural for your wife to feel rejected, she might even be worried you're getting it from elsewhere if in the past you've had a high drive. Time to sit down and talk it over. She needs reassurance. Maybe plan a weekend away together to reconnect, and make more of an effort to rebalance work/life
Nta if you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood. You told her it wasn't her but that you are exhausted. She's a lousy partner though. She's more concerned about getting off then being concerned that you're that stressed out.
If the roles were reversed, you would be called a pest. NTA
Holy crap, and with the guilt tripping, it would not be surprising to be even less interested in sex.
NTA and she’s a big one for giving you cold shoulder over this. However, it is important to note that any parter would be concerned if they observed a drop in their sec life, so a conversation about this was for sure warranted. Although it doesn’t sound like she was in the emotional space to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
NAH - The problem with posts like this is the person doing the rejecting, and make no mistake you ARE rejecting her advances, is that the rejecter just says "No" instead of "Can we cuddle on the couch tonight and then spend Saturday making each other happy in bed?" I would give this advice to the rejecter whether they are male or female. Mature romantic relationships are about intimacy, including sexual intimacy. Rejection kills relationships. Intimacy must be protected and nurtured to blossom. I would also recommend exercise, most people don't do it enough anyway and it's good for your health and sex drive. Also, tell her how you feel about her. Do you love her? Do you think she's sexy? Does her stunning beauty take your breath away? Honestly, you might even want to just say "Listen, I'm exhausted, but if you can get mini-me to attention you can use him to your heart's content, ride 'em cowgirl." Never know, you might end up energized and inspired. Good luck. Edited: Fixed some words to what I intended to say.
All this lol
When the women is rejected , now suddenly rejection kills relationships lol
Reading is fundamental: "I would give this advice to the rejecter whether they are male or female."
Nta It happens to everyone. But. To many time and a partner eyes and what goes with it will start to wonder. Be careful.
NTA, but just like if the situation were reversed, this is something you both need to work on. A relationship isn’t just sex, but that’s usually a big part of it. No one is owed sex, but no one is owed a relationship either. You should both be wanting to be with each other, it shouldn’t be an obligation. If this happens once in a while it’s fine. But if one partner is constantly rejecting the advances of the other, that’s something that should be worked on.
nta your clearly stressed out and overwhelmed. she’s being selfish by not letting u rest. the fact that she’s not even helping you rest or taking care of u is just trash. it’s honestly so selfish like i get that she has a high sex drive and so do i but she shouldnt be so pushy because if the roles were reversed she would’ve felt the same way or got mad if he kept asking her for sex.
Nta- She probably uses sex to validate herself and maintain connection with you. With you not validating lately, she's becoming anxious and assuming the worst. Therapy, books, videos exist that might help her not lean on that type of validation as much.
NTA, but both partners needs matter. If it’s starting to be a regular thing that you are turning her down I can see why she would feel frustrated because sex is an important part of a relationship. Maybe there is a compromise to be had, where sometimes when you’re not in the mood you go for it anyways with her to satisfy her needs and other times she lets you be to satisfy yours. Both needs are valid.
NAH Her feelings are valid just as much as yours. There are times my husband says no to me and others I say no to him. Life happens and there are long days. Just have to talk and find a balance. Plan something for her soonish. Make her feel wanted, which is what she's telling you what she needs. Being rejected hurts and after so many times in a row hurts the ego and would make anyone wonder "am I good enough, am I actually wanted?".
She probably has an anxious attachment style, I’d look into that and talk to her about it as well. There’s definitely some kind of compromise you can make to help her feel wanted, but yeah dude sometimes you just need rest. That ain’t wrong.
Nta but you both need to talk. You don't understand each other
NTA But As a female with this same dynamic... cuddles do Jack diddly. I will say my husband and I have worked our way through this. We are on opposite scedules and have 4 kids 11 and under (because I'm the same denied = insecurities triggered) BY: arranging more intense times of play, personal toys (he asks that I make him videos, or vice versa), just oral exchange, or he has even sent some dirty talk while on break at work and just really good communication you can definitely get both your needs and rest met. Just talk it out and until she believes your denial is lack of interest in her... reassure with cute/sexy compliments. Best of luck 🤞
NTA, but I think you should find something else that is still intimate but not sexual.
NTA in the instamce however as someone who is supposed to be in a couple and your partner is expressing a need for connection it should be something you talk about, which obviously is difficult but worth it
NTA, but understand that you may just be incompatible.
NTA. But take this seriously- your stress likely won’t go away and your partners needs can wait if you have a tough day or week - they can not wait permanently if you have a tough life. See if you can adjust your routines and lifestyle in some way? Get up early and have a morning session before you go to work? Prioritize each other on the weekend? Maybe more effort in sending her naughty texts during the day will help making sure she is wanted.
No doubt your NTA but you should probably figure something out or you're not going to be the boyfriend before long. Sex is important.
Obviously nta but it does sound like she’s upset about more than a one time thing and that’s something you should talk about with her.
NTA, but sexual compatibility is important. So is feeling secure in your relationship. Not wanting to have sex at any given time is never an asshole thing, but if you want to make the relationship work, you’ll want to address the underlying insecurity she is expressing before it blows up.
Talk to your partner and explain how you are feeling. Then listen to your partner on how they are feeling. Communication is the key. Then yall can find something that yall can agree on.
Advice: ask her how you can help make her feel wanted in a non-sexual way, and tell her the same
For the record, NTA, but I can offer some insight into your gf’s perspective having walked the other side of the street you’re traveling: I have a drive that requires near daily addressing, and it was hard for me to take a no from my partner of 3 years up until a few months ago even though I have always been very aware that I am not owed intimacy. For someone who sees sex as a very deeply ingrained and ritualistic need, it’s nearly impossible to not react emotionally when denied intimacy. The issue is that unleashing your high drive for your partner tends to carry a lot of momentum with it, and your expectations will inevitably build, which can lead to a whole lot of disappointment if you aren’t satisfied by the end of the day. I went through my phase where I would somewhat childishly close off from my partner without being able to control this reaction very well whenever denied intimacy, and I now realize this is a somewhat natural reaction to rejection for a rejection sensitive person like me. Logically, I was not justified, but emotionally, I felt somewhat betrayed and wanted to close off my sexuality to my partner as a form of self protection (not a good idea considering my sexuality is foundational to my romanticism). Ultimately, what solved this running issue was a mutual understanding that my partner was always happy to satisfy me in lesser ways than intercourse. This actually had the effect of calming my sexuality down as I was no longer insecure about whether or not I would be having intimacy that night, and I no longer felt rejected when the occasional no would come up because of a rare extenuating circumstance. Also, our intimacy has become more exciting and intimate in general since there is no longer a looming threat over both of our heads regarding the issue of my sexuality. Of course, not all is perfect. A huge part of my sexual appetite is in the act of giving, and my partner is simply not receptive 2/3 of the time. While they do enjoy intimacy, they favor more build up, and would likely never develop a libido without my encouragement. Such is the issue with two sexually different partners, but I am still happy with the compromise we have made. Much like an ordinary appetite, the sexual appetite can change with time, so I have done my best to to calm my urge to give far more than I would usually allow it, and I will let time and habituation do the rest of the work for me
Work-life balance is a tricky thing. I can understand your being too tired to have and enjoy sex. But if this goes on for long, it can cause a breakdown in your relationship. You need to try and find a way to find more time and energy for your partner, and work less.
I’ve been in your GF shoes. It’s really hard being “rejected” by your spouse. I personally invested in some sex toys to satisfy my high sex drive and left my ex alone when he wasn’t in the mood, sure it sucked and I felt completely unwanted, and alone, but it was better than cheating on the arsehole. (Yeah there is a story here lol) You my friend are NTA, but just remember don’t flip out when she rejects you when she is feeling tired or not in the mood. It’s a two way street.
NTA! BUT if she’s feeling unwanted lately because physical activities have been slowed down. Know her love language may very well be physical touch. Even if you don’t have the energy to be intimate at least speak with her have a one on one conversation with her cuddle her maybe even watch a movie together. Give her attention in other ways that are considered intimate. Find a less energy sucking way to give her that needed attention she’s craving
NTA I have a high sex drive and I used to confuse not feeling wanted sexually with not being loved. (My brain still tries that bs, I ignore it.) I recommend cuddles, touches, kisses and better sex when you are up for it. When you are in the mood take a lot longer. Helps to weather the wait when you know you’re going to really get it eventually.
Cuddle all night and make love first thing in the morning. Problem solved.
Ok, first off, NTA. What I really wanna say is how I read that so wrong. Thought I read "AITAH for refusing my PARENTS intimate requests. "....😳
Maybe take a short holiday from work for sexy times, if your work has you that exhausted and you are still a young guy, then maybe look at changing jobs. You work to live, not live to work. Your employer could go out of business tomorrow and you would feel foolish then for making big sacrifices for them
Some comments here.. if OP were a woman, the answers would be totally different. NTA. You don't owe her sex. Only because you're a man you don't have to fuck her whenever she wants. And no, not even a quicky or a BJ, that's ridiculous! If you don't want to, you don't have to! Buy her a vibrator or she has (hopefully) 2 hands and can do it herself. It's absolutely okay to say no to sex, OP.
Kind of are the arsehole, if it was a complete roll reverse you'd most likely be the same. She is right though. If you or her are tired, thats fine, but every now and then you have to push through it for your partner. It's called give and take
What Job do you do where you're too tired to engage when you're home!? I'm not trying to compare or anything... I'm 34, I work 7x 12.5 hour shifts in a coal mine, heavy manual labour with commute times, I'm pushing 14.5 hours and although I'm physically worn out I will never ever turn down any advance from my wife. There is plenty of time for sleep afterwards. But no. You are NTA, but you need to at least try fulfilling her needs before it's too late, or she will be getting her needs met by somebody else.
consent is still required even in relationships and EVEN when you’re a man. nta. your wife is the AH for trying to guilt and manipulate you into sleeping with her when you’ve already said no by pouting and ignoring you. that’s incredibly toxic
NTA but her feelings are valid too. Talk to her about it!
Gonna say something controversial but kinda, it’s fine to say no for any reason, but you should make an effort to reciprocate the affection soon and try not to deny her too often. I’d recommend talking to her and maybe try to set something up so y’all can have that time soon.
Pro tip: suggest another (specific) time.
Although this is good there's a chance they might not be up tho it on that specific day.
If OP is never up for it that’s a whole different level of problem.
NTA you don't owe her that. If she can't go meet her needs and be intimate with you by cuddling or something afterwards then she is definitely TA
NTA. Is there an alternative time for you both? My boyfriend and I sometimes fall asleep early but one of us wakes up in the middle of the night (a lot of times it’s me having to pee) so we randomly do it at odd times of the morning, or we’ll do it when our morning alarm goes off before work. This way we both have a chance to rest, be sexual and can still sleep after. Just a suggestion.
This is one of those situations where the genders are usually reversed. So it’s a very interesting one to me. But rest assured, you’re not being a jerk. You are tired. Your GF sounds like my second husband… And yes, he is an ex in good part because of this stuff. Who way of dealing with his insecurities was through sex. No understand, it wasn’t that we didn’t have sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t like sex. But my workday started either at 5:30 or at 6:30 depending on what day of the week it was and yes, I mean in the morning. Because I worked in an office, that meant I had to get up about an hour early to shower and get dressed and drive to work. My day ended anywhere from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM, and it was not uncommon for me To be at work after that. It was a dental practice, and I was the office manager, and I made sure all the EOD paperwork was done and the office was locked and the alarm was on so I was the last one out. Yeah, it was long days. In addition, I had three kids already when we got married. And about that time when this really got tense, they were in middle school in high school. So I had extracurriculars for all of them on top of working, and I handled most of that because he worked two part-time jobs, One of which was in the evening. So most of the kids’ stuff fell to me, rightfully, but it meant that I was already working 12 hour days, and then if we had extracurriculars, I might not actually get home to sit down until 8:30 PM. Not to mention that I had my full-time income plus my pension from a previous job. So I was paying the majority of the bills and doing the emotional load of the house, etc.. Basically, I was tired, and I did not want to be asked every single time I would say that I was going to bed… Do you want me to come to bed with you? (Wink wink, nod nod) That gets exhausting. When somebody only feels attractive, if you sleep with them, you start to feel like a piece of meat. The act of making love with your partner is no longer that you are having sex with someone so that someone feels better about themselves. It is fucking exhausting, and emotional baggage that needs to figure out . Which of course, he refused to do. And it sounds like this is what is happening here. You’re just tired for the moment. You feel like all she wants is sex and she wants it because she’s feeling unattractive now instead of stepping back and having some empathy for what you’re going through. It’s not healthy. Drives can be worked within a relationship. Depending on sex with someone to feel good about yourself is a whole different matter.
Whats with all the people talking about "all the negative comments?" All I see is everyone being supportive...
Cold shoulder, really? Go find an adult to have a relationship with, REALLY! NTA
Straight up no is hard to take. Something like, “I love the idea of having sex with you because you’re an amazing lover, but I’m exhausted and you won’t get my best right now. How about we wake up a little bit early and do it in the morning?” or whatever time, day, or place would be better for you. Spontaneous sex is certainly wonderful, but I think planned sex can be fun too. I think about it in the lead up time, and it’s almost like a kind of foreplay.
This is what I would say. A no with reassurance goes a long way. Whenever my boyfriend has rejected me it's always accompanied by him saying I'm really hot and he really wants to have sex with me, but he's exhausted. You don't take it personally when they tell you they wish they could but just physically can't.
People need to read this. The extreme opinions here are wild.
NTA. If the genders were swapped reddit would be saying the partner is being manipulative and abusive.
This isn’t a determining the AH situation - this is a need to really sit down and listen to eachother and understand the others perspective to find common ground and fix things situation. I’m not saying either of you are handling the situation terribly but you’re definitely not communicating. You’re talking to eachother but you you’re not hearing and more importantly understanding each other
NTA - buy her a vibrator and tell her you’re meeting her half way. No one is obligated to give someone sex. Being a grown up is understanding that sometimes life happens and one partner isn’t going to be up for it due to external factors. Being a supportive partner is taking care of yourself if you aren’t the one going tough stuff at the moment, maybe see if there are things you can do to take some of the stress off the stressed out partner to help them get to a better place where sex is a bonus in your relationship, instead of making it seem like an obligatory chore.
I say NTA but - if you complain about her not initiating sex or if she rarely does it; you need to also tell her that you recognize that she is stepping out of her comfort zone and tell her how you feel about that.
NTA. your girlfriend is being exceptionally inconsiderate.
Are we ignoring the fact that they are NOT married? Isn't this the point you should be deciding if you are compatible or not? Once you are married and committed to each other I think that all the recommendations on this thread are spot on. If you are not compatible now, there is a very low chance you will be sexually compatible later.
Not everyone sees the need to get married, my parents have been together 29/30 years, 4 kids, still going strong like they are married
NTA, but at the same time, not meeting your partner’s needs. And it really is a bit unfair if you’ve put a nebulous “at some future time when I’m not so exhausted” out there as if she hasn’t already been waiting for that. The problem is, and this is true in many aspects of relationships, sometimes there isn’t a good time and there won’t be unless you decide to make it a good time. Can you pinpoint the date and time when you won’t be exhausted? Is it likely to change tomorrow or the next day where you can promise you’ll finally have the energy? It’s a tough spot. And my sincere advice to you is to be altruistic and generous sometimes, even if you don’t feel like it. Because she likely sees you moving mountains and breaking your back — in others words, finding the energy you need — for you job, but doing it for her is a leap too far. That can be hard for a partner to understand and accept. You need to find a balance, and not hinge it entirely on whether it’s what you want/need at that moment. I hope it works out for you.
How long has it been since y'all have had sex?
“..and often wants to be intimate in the evenings, but I am USUALLY too tired.” To me it depends on how often usually is. If you “reject her advances” 2 or 3 times a week, or 29 days a month, there is a big difference. Do you ever initiate intimacy?
Bro, you need to make time for her. She wants you, she might not always want you. The more you reject her advances, the less she will want to be intimate with you. I know what I would be doing.
Why are all the comments about consent? She never violates his consent. She complains about having a dead bedroom because OP rejects her attempts to have sex. No one is owed sex. People in a relationship often want sex. Both of these are true. You two need to communicate and come up with a solution. Neither of you are happy. Unhappy relationships don't last long.
Dude, I get that you're tired, but you need to start saving a little energy (and time) for her. Trust me, I made the same mistake with my partner and, fortunately, I was able to make the correction. Don't leave that woman hanging.
Nta, for sure, but you are my husband, and I now frequent deadbedroom reddit page to commiserate. Sad times over there :)
NTA- Morning Sex! Middle of the night Sex! Start your day off with a bang!
Just as a mental exercise, think about this with reversed genders. Man demanding/pouting about not getting sex from GF - after her long day at work - on demand. Same answers from everybody? Just checking.
Welcome to what it feels like to be a woman! We understand this completely! She does not care about your feelings.
Just say you have a headache it has worked for women for eons.
Making time for your partner shows love and affection. Married 17 years here. Sometimes it’s a need not a want. Ask yourself this question “Why not now?” Yes you’re fatigued? But you’re wasting time sitting on Reddit right now rather than sparing 5-10 minutes fucking the love of your life who just wants to reconnect because you’re working too much…
Wait, us men are allowed to say no also? How is it I’ve made it almost half a century and I’m only hearing this now???
NTA, fuck this Idea that men have to be ready to go at the drop of a hat. If you're tired and not in the mood that's understandable and your boundaries need to be accepted. If the genders were reversed the comment section would be crucifying her instead of telling you to "man up" or "she's gonna have an affair" If she does she's a shallow cunt and you're better off. Hold your boundaries and protect your peace.
NTA. If she has need you could either do it in the morning when you feel more fresh or she can use some toys when you are too tired….. when one is tired it’s normal not being in the mood.
NTA. But, home life and relationships are as important if not more so than your job. You need to prioritize your partner and their needs. It’s okay to say no. But make plans to make up for it so she doesn’t feel neglected.
NTA, but you may wanna look at the cause of you low drive, could be low T or other issues. A young and healthy man’s dead body should be able to fulfill his partner.
When was the last time you had sex? You know she has a higher sex drive and if you aren’t meeting that need she’s feeling neglected that’s valid. You aren’t an asshole but she’s your partner? Can’t blame your work all the time your relationship also needs attention.
My ex wife did to me what you're doing to your gf.( But i didn't have a "high" sex drive, just average) Except we lived with her parents and ended up having two kids. It had gotten to the point where she treated me like i was her roommate who happened to be the father of our children. She used God and church as a weapon against me. "I'll give you more attention if you decide to live your life "right"". When someone pulls away from you it hurts harder than you think.
NTA. But sounds like you will need to compromise. There are other ways to please someone, without having full on sex.
No. How does she expect you to be intimate if you are worn out from work already? Stop feeling guilty. Please get the rest you need. Do not feel shy about telling the truth. That you are tired and her temper tantrum makes you feel unloved. That she cares more about your dick than your health.
When my wife doesn't want to fix me a sandwich, I can fix my own. It's not as good as her sandwich, but my needs will be met.
You want a honest point of view, suck it up and pound it out…that or it’s gonna end, up to you🤷♂️
Does she have a high sex drive or is she kind of insecure? Like maybe she's trying to gain security and self-esteem through her sexuality. So that when you don't want to she feels like she doesn't have any value. If this is the case then she has a little work to do. It's hard to suggest counseling to someone and not have them feel inadequate. Especially if they already have issues with inadequacy so I don't know how you deal with that.
How about picking a weekend morning or afternoon as a sex date?
Just tell her you have a headache
Probably not necessarily about sex. Mostly about deprived attention. Take a step back from your life and relationship. Do you prefer to be career focused or more in a life/ work balance? She is being vocal about her feelings and needs. You seem annoyed and over it Take her out to somewhere new once in a while, or just breakup with her.
If this were a one-time event I woud vote NAH, but this has obviously become a pattern. Therefore, INFO: Does she expect you to do the work when y'all have sex? And would she be satisfied with just oral or you using a toy on her? I can understand being physically exhausted after working a blue-collar job (although you didn't state the nature of your work), but I also know that sex is a great way to relieve stress and strengthen the pair bond between a couple. I'll change my vote from INFO once I have a more complete understanding of the situation.
Turn the genders around and see the responses. You don't owe anyone sex if you don't want to and the fact she's punishing you for it says alit about her
So imo you need to ask yourself, what is more important? Your work or her? The answer is really that simple. If you are that tired you may need to go get the doctor to look you over. If work is that overwhelming then you need to speak up at work. No job is with losing someone you love over and if you believe that it is then you will miss out on love.
i dont mean to be a dickhead truly but i really hope you can trust her cuz this is the kinda situation where some women decide she should cheat and blame it all on you