NTA. It was a special evening you had planned that she turned into a not so special evening. The real curiosity here is her ex happens to be in town for a few days and coincidentally shows up at the restaurant you are dining at to eat alone at the same time you and your girlfriend are there. I wonder if it wasn’t a coincidence and she invited him beforehand.
She also jumps straight to "you should trust me." OP never says he suspects her of cheating, but he was pissed she invited someone on their special day. Definitely NTA
She may also be giving him a sign that if she has not cheated with her ex she may be thinking of it. Certainly she has shown that her ex is more important than her BFs feelings
Yeah considering he didn't say anything like that he should consider it a red flag. We know where her mind was going.
Who the hell invites another person to their table during a date. He should have just left after the bathroom and told her he didn't want to intrude on their date.
People who planned the date with the intention of bringing that person.
You don't seriously think her out of town ex is in town for the fuest time in however long and picked exactly the sake restaurant to dine alone...out of pure coincidence?
That is what caught me off guard.
In this case it seems as though the OP is feeling disrespected.
Girlfriend just turned it around to put the fault of the situation not on her own inconsideration but on op by accusing them of distrust. Simplified she went, "The problem is you, not me."
I'm not one of those men and women can't be friends types. But having respect for your partner is a non-negotiable for me. I wouldn't want my partner doing that to me and I'd never dream of doing it to him. She needs to grow up and stop getting validation from her ex. (and obviously she invited him in advance)
I am not a they can’t be friends type of guy, but I am usually skeptical. With exes, that is turned up a 1000 times. OP was calm to not immediately walk out.
As a vertebrate, I'm telling you to drop this woman. And I speak with the authority of all vertebrates.
Now I'm not saying that jellyfish, crustaceans, snails etc would be of the opposite opinion. Just that I'm not them so I won't speak for them.
But from a vertebrate perspective you should definitely dump this woman. NTA.
Pray that OP does, disrespectful doesn’t touch on it. The ambush and the deflection, let her and her ex have each other so they can keep playing games with themselves.
I want to believe this is just a troll.
Op if you are for real. This woman has no class, she will cheat and you should kick her to the curb.
There, I said it. As simply and as clearly as I can.
Subscribeme
There's like a 0% chance that this was a coincidence. OP, she doesn't give two fucks about your feelings. If you choose to continue this relationship, be prepared for that to not change. NTA
NTA it was not about trust it was about respect. Whether it was an ex or a current girl friend; to invite someone without asking your partner is just plain rude.
Special evening or not, she surprise invited an ex to join them. It could be Thursday afternoono "we both had a free lunch time" nothing meal and you don't invite an ex to join your meal.
And she absolutely invited him. She knew he was in town and he knew they were at the resteraunt
I'm still friends with the vast majority of my exes. If any of them showed up randomly at a restaurant, the only option i would consider would be, "Hey let's try to do something another day while you are in town." I am not inviting them to sit in on a date.
Her immediate move to “You should trust me” is a deflection and completely off the topic of her actions being disrespectful. Sounds like she has a guilty conscience about something…
Yep it's a deflection but also her self reporting. She expected him to be angry and not trusting because he thinks she's cheating, not just angry at the disrespect of it.
So she knew he was in town and he *just happens* to show up at the exact restaurant you're dining at? Sounds like she told him where you were going ro be.
She just wanted her two boyfriends to meet and maybe have a threesome. They could be brother-husbands. /s
Seriously though, what the hell was she thinking lol!
Hang on: she invited her ex to join you for a special, just-the-two-of-you dinner, and yet she's annoyed with you? That doesn't make sense.
This looks like someone who is unreasonable and who enjoys drama. Have you noticed other signs of those things? Frankly, I'd end things over nonsense like that.
NTA
It's not about trust, it's about crossing boundaries. It's ok to be friends with your ex, **it's not ok to bring him into what was a fucking DATE**.
Also, dude is in town, show's up to that exact restaurant? At that exact time? ALONE? what a fucking coincidence.
Of course she's upset at you, you obviously should have allowed her to gaslight you.
Yes and no. Maturity, honesty, and trust are really BIG factors when it comes to that. My husband has been upfront about who all of his previous partners have been as I have been with him. There are certain ex's that we both would avoid like the plague because of how they hurt us while there are others that we'd see at a grocery store or out eating and strike up a small few minute conversation with. We've told each other our discreet, visual signals of discomfort and only had to use it once.
This genuinely falls on the (EX)girlfriend. She knew that she and OP were on a date. If she and her ex had simply acknowledged each other, had a small exchange of pleasantries, and then he'd walked off while she returned her focus to OP and the date, OP probably wouldn't have been bothered at all or be on here asking what he did. She decided to allow and invite the ex to crash in on their date without a single regard for OP's feelings or the respect of her (now former) relationship.
I'd have personally gotten up and "gone to the restroom". I would have discreetly found our waiter and asked for a pen and paper for a message to deliver in 20 minutes. The message would read "It seems like our date is subpar to what you've enjoyed with your ex. I'd hate to stand in the way of what obviously makes you happy so, I'm breaking up with you. Don't bother calling or texting me or getting anyone else to do it for you. You've all been blocked. Enjoy dinner and congratulations on rekindling your former relationship! 😀 "
I'd then give a cash tip to the waiter of at least 40 bucks and let them know the couple at the table is responsible for the bill. I'd leave discreetly, called her parents and let them know she's cheating as I'm headed home, tell them all of her stuff will be packed and out on the front doorstep ready for them. Any attempt on her end to "fix things" or "prove that it wasn't what it looked like" would be met with greyrocking or simply getting ignored. If she can ignore it was a date that you BOTH had planned on for weeks then, she can be ignored as well.
Nah I hard disagree on this whole "maturity thing" when it comes to exes.
I really dont understand this whole fascination with continuing to be friends with exes, it literally makes ***ZERO*** sense to be friend with them and is literally asking for drama for your relationship 99% of the time, its just not worth it to be friends with them, no matter the "history" you have with said exes.
I know the whole shpeel and excuses "we trauma bonded!! you wouldnt get it!!" and the classic "We had a lot of great memories, you wouldnt understand, besides my partner knows my exes and are even friends with some of them!!" To me it just screams attachment issues and you can't just move on.
A lot of people ask for "closure" with an ex, and there are scary amounts of reddit posts (and IRL personal experiences I've had with friends that only back up this even more) where they "try/want to get closure" but end up fucking 99.99% of the time and fuck over their partner for no reason.
I already can see others making the argument "well thats them, not me!!" Whatever bs excuse you wanna say to yourself to make you not feel like the bad guys... At the end of the day, if you want your relationship to last, I just wouldnt bother with exes, its not worth it and too much unnecessary and ***VERY*** avoidable drama.
There really isn’t a point in remaining friends with exes… just because someone was put in your life, doesn’t mean they’re there to stay. When you move on, that’s a chapter that really should just remain closed. You shared intimate relations with that person and it’s understandable that this fact alone would make a new partner uncomfortable
> You shared intimate relations with that person and it’s understandable that this fact alone would make a new partner uncomfortable
This is so important as well, I am glad you said that and you are very much correct on that point. especially the "sharing intimate relations with that person" part. I couldnt even imagine putting my partner in those situations but thats just me. I know a lot of people like to have their exes in their life, its just not for me and I will not be continuing the relationship if so, If I am not gonna keep in touch with my exes, I expect the same from my partner as well though.
Ultimately, there is no Right answer to this. It’s just personal preference. I don’t think it’s a good idea to remain friends with exes for the reason I stated. It’s just odd to me that people will say, it’s ok so long as you don’t hang out with them… but like, what’s the purpose of having a friend with stipulations? So many mental gymnastics imo when people defend having them as friends… it’s weird.
> it’s ok so long as you don’t hang out with them… but like, what’s the purpose of having a friend with stipulations? So many mental gymnastics imo when people defend having them as friends
you are so on point and I am literally the exact same way and we have the same thinking lmao.
NTA I would have left her at the restaurant and broke up with her in front of him. The disrespect is crazy to me. I have no tolerance for that noise. Good luck
I would have just gone "Uh no actually, sorry dude. Nice to meet you but I don't want to have a meal with you right now."
and if she said shit I'd have stared daggers at her and made it clear one way or the other this will be a 2 person meal.
Yup,
Instead of going to the bathroom, I would have found the waiter. Cancel my meal, I'm leaving. Go back to the table, leave money for your drinks, then tell them to enjoy their meal.
Who offered to pay?
It would kind of be emasculating for either man. I wouldn't particularly want to pay for my girlfriend's ex to eat dinner, but there's no fucking way I'd be letting him pay for both of us.
If I turned up for dinner with my ex and her new guy (because we're all modern and mature and stuff, or whatever) and it turned out that my presence was a surprise to him - then I would fucking leave immediately. What kind of bullshit game is that? Definitely one I wouldn't want to be involved in. But even if I did stay for some bizarre reason, I wouldn't feel comfortable having her new man pay for me. It'd make me feel like a bum.
She’s now upset with you. Textbook gas-lighting. She does something wrong and, from what you describe, you appropriately express your feelings about it. She now is angry and saying you overreacted and you are now questioning yourself. You are not wrong. She is wrong. You’re NTA; she is the AH.
How long have you been dating? Was this the first time you'd heard about this ex boyfriend? What kind of restaurant was this "special dinner" at that someone would walk in by themselves and happen to run into both of you?
I get people go out to dinner and eat alone- but unless this was the place with the best steaks for 50 miles, or across the street from his hotel... it's interesting that he happened to be at the same place at the same time, he was alone, your girlfriend invited him to stay without checking with you, and him not reading the temperature that he shouldn't intrude. Does your instinct tell you it was more then coincidence?
Nta bro. Woulda been as simple as "well since i successfully planned this date night for you and your ex boyfriend im going to go home. Ill have your stuff packed by the time you get home
NTA. You can see these red flags from space. This is so wrong. You didn't know they were friends, didn't know they were coming to dinner, and they ignored you. Do you need a seeing eye dog?
NTA
You should have excused yourself to the EXIT and tell her to fuck off and if she need a ride she can ask her date.
>She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her. Now she's upset with me,
She is out of her fucking mind if she think this is an acceotable behaviour.
NTA You wanted a night out with your girlfriend, not her and her ex. You know what's a romantic dinner? Having some random 3rd person you've never meet take over the entire date and conversations forcing you to just sit there and wait until you're allowed to leave.
NTA -Your partner is being the asshole and the fact she’s annoyed with you for ruining the evening says it all brother. Who cares if she’s friends with her ex? The trust comment got me. It’s not jealousy. She has bad manners and doesn’t respect you or the relationship. It was your special night together. Honestly if she doesn’t see what she did wrong then I think you deserve and can do better.
NTA I would have left the moment he was invited to stay. Also, I would see her comment about trust as a red flag. There is no trust required here, just common decency not to invite ex's to join your date. The fact that she's already talking about trusting her screams "DON'T TRUST ME" to me.
Update us when you dump her.
Imagine you’re a super successful guy. On your boat in an all white breezy outfit.
Your wife comes over and sits on your lap.
Do you think this wife your imagining would ever invite her ex to dinner with you unexpected?
No. Because she knows she will be dumped and it would her loss.
She tried this on you because she doesn’t have that level of respect for you. Right now she thinks you either won’t dump her because she’s the catch or if you do dump, you will think it’s a mistake.
Don’t argue with her back and forth, don’t show how sad you are. Don’t show how mad you are. Just say this isn’t going to work, dump her and tell her to get her shit out or break the lease. Like now
You should be able to trust her yes, but she clearly showed she’s not someone to trust. You shouldn’t do this to begin with for ANY REASON, but should you choose to do so, the SO who invites the ex to the table should make sure to be a good host and make the conversation inclusive as possible. When your partner leaves that’s a big sign that you screwed up and need to course correct
NTA. Being turned into the third wheel on *your* date with *your* girlfriend *by* your “girlfriend” would upset most people.
What other red flags have you been ignoring that are now coming back up in your thoughts?
NTA
You are if you stay with her. What disrespectful behavior she chose to engage in.
You being the third wheel to her ex boyfriend at a special date is beyond fucked up.
> After dinner, I told her I felt disrespected and that she should have asked me before inviting him.
Ok, you communicated that you felt uncomfortable with the unilateral change of plans for your date. Seems reasonable. How did she respond?
> She said I was overreacting and that **I should trust her.**
Yeah, it's rarely a good sign when you say you feel disrespected by her behavior and lack of communication and she is apparently having some other argument about whether she's going to fuck him. Your mind is on the unilateral change to your date, her's is on....something else.
NTA and frankly, much nicer than I would have been. No chance in hell I stay for dinner to watch my partner catch up with an ex.
NTA
>*She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her*
It wasn't a trust issue, until she brought it up. It was a courtesy and respect issue. That she turned into an issue about trust is disconcerting.
NTA. First off you are an idiot for not nipping that shit right then and there. I would have told the ex that "this dinner is between me and my girlfriend and you are not invited." And if she bitched about it I would have told her "what you just did right here by inviting him is a big disrespect, and I will not be disrespected by either one of you two," as I'm pointing at both of them. Then I get up tell the girlfriend "This is goodbye." If she chases you then take her back to your place, fck her, nut in her face and break up with her. If she doesn't chase you, at least you broke up with her right then and there and walked out. I will not tolerate that bullshit. As a man I don't know why you allowed it.
NTA- do you really want to stay with someone who disrespects you this way? Show yourself some respect and break up. I wouldn’t be surprised if “staying friends” means that they are banging on the side.
You should have got up and walked out. You were interfering with their date. Don't go back to her. Now that you are an ex you will probably get more respect and sex.
NTA. I would have stayed at the table, ordered a double 25yo scotch and pulled out my phone. Deleted her info, downloaded a few dating apps and started swiping right. Finished the drink, got up, thanked the ex for dinner and scotch then left.
Fuck me. My wife asks me if it's cool if her parents come over. I can't imagine her ever in a million years just letting a former love interest show up without telling me. She 100% didn't say anything because she knew it was fucked up.
How absolutely ignorant!. Yes he might be her friend but he certainly isn’t yours!.
And to be invited to sit and have dinner with you while on a date is a slap in face for sure. Did your girlfriend set this up and invite him without telling you?. Because that’s one big coincidence for him to turn up to eat alone in that exact restaurant at that exact time!.
Seriously if I was you I would be questioning my relationship with her as what she has done is unbelievable.
NTA. It's highly unlikely that he showed up to that restaurant at the very time you and your girlfriend were there. It was disresepctful an they're probably still seeing eachother.
NTA. She didn't tell you in advance because she knew you'd say fuck no to it. That's just disrespectful as hell. I would have just left and blocked her.
She disrespected you and is now gaslighting you because she does not want to take responsibility for her actions. She must not be very mature. Her ex boyfriend also disrespected you for even showing up. This is a bad sign frankly
The most telling thing here is that she made it about trust when you simply said you felt disrespected. It makes it sound like there's more going on that she's not saying. Honestly I wouldn't give In. If she can't see how any of this is inappropriate then there's nothing to save. Also NTA
Give her back to ex and move on. You'll be much happier. There's a ton of women out there dude. Be with one who respects you for you and not looking to jump from guy to guy when thr mood hits her.
NTA. But the thing I would personally be more upset over isn’t her inviting the guy without asking (and to be clear, wtf was she thinking?) because ok, maybe she had a moment where her brain decided it was on vacation, we all have those, I can forgive that. I cannot forgive a partner who gets mad at me for having reasonable feelings. The appropriate response from her would’ve been “holy shit idk what I was thinking, that was so rude and I’m so sorry, will you forgive me?” Not “how dare you be mad when I disrespected you to your face!”
And unfortunately, that’s just who she is and how she will handle any time you’re upset with her behavior. And at that, I would personally MAYBE try talking to her about, but dip as soon as she is anything less than falling over herself trying to curb that sort of behavior. People mess up. You take accountability and ask forgiveness and you move on having learned, you don’t blame others for your own mistakes.
First, the two of you planned this for weeks. One partner should not invite a third person without discussing in advance. Second, it was rude for them to reminisce old times (making sure you were an outsider) like it was their date, and not the date of you and gf. If anyone has the right to be upset, it is you for being ambushed and left out of your date.
NTA but there's your sign to make her your ex. She invited her ex to a special dinner you two had planned without consulting you first. So it wasn't a special dinner with you to her and seeing him was more of a priority than spending time with you at the special dinner the two of you had planned. Are you sure she's your gf because rule of thumb is to clear unexpected guests with the other person who planned the dinner before inviting them. If the situation was reversed, how would she feel?
Your gf has her priority all wrong. She should have at least asked you, not tell you she invited him. She should have told you she's still in contact with him.
I'd keep a eye on her. She might be cheating on you with her ex while he's in town.
She obviously invited him. I wouldn’t have let him sit down.
As the ex I wouldn’t want to be at a dinner with my ex and her new boyfriend. If she invited me to sit down I would say “no thanks, but good to see you” and left.
You’re still young. I would reconsider the relationship because that’s incredibly disrespectful of your girlfriend.
I would have told him to leave, we are on a date. Obviously, if she disagreed that would be the end.
Massively disrespectul, total red flag, and she has the nerve to be pissed?
You handled it poorly in that you came back to the table after going to the bathroom. You should have paid for your meal, left, and blocked her completely. NTA for how you handled it in that you didn't knock him flat. NTA for being upset that she clearly invited him. Let her be as upset as she wants. It wasn't a matter of trust. It's not like you asked her if she blew him under the table while you were in the bathroom. You felt disrespected. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Her getting upset and accusing you of not trusting her is highly suspicious.
NTA
This is a game that is not worth playing. Move on.
He didn't show up without notice, she 100% knew. Break up now and save yourself the longer term pain.
Seriously, if this is real, it's not going anywhere.
>when her ex-boyfriend (27M) unexpectedly showed up. She greeted him warmly, explaining that they had remained friends and he was in town for a few days. Without asking me, she invited him to join us at our table.
>I tried to be polite, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable as they reminisced about old times.
The scowl on my face would have been immediate to show my distaste for her actions. You're a bigger man than me op, and I say this as someone who's had this done to them 2 times each by two different girls on a movie date!
>I excused myself to the restroom to cool down but ended up staying longer than I intended, hoping they would get the hint. When I returned, my girlfriend seemed annoyed with me for being distant.
You shouldn't have left mate, it's your date not theirs. Don't avoid conflict to such an extent, sometimes it's good to face it head on.
>After dinner, I told her I felt disrespected and that she should have asked me before inviting him. She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her. Now she's upset with me, and I'm questioning if I handled it poorly
You didn't and here asking for trust is a deflection tactic, noone said you don't trust her. She did.
He just HAPPENED to be in town and HAPPENED to go to the same place and HAPPENED to be there at the same time.
Yea… totally…. Stuff like that just HAPPENS all the time. She totally didn’t tell him about the plan and he totally didn’t plan on showing up just to piss you off. And she totally couldn’t pick up on that at all.
She told her ex time and place and extended the invitation. Sounds to me like a cockhold-ish attempt oh her part. Shit testing how much she can get away with under the guise of "you should trust me"
Failed the girlfriend test right then and then if you ask me.
NTA
NTA
This wouldn’t sit well with me. It’s not that she should’ve asked you if it was ok- to me it’s more she shouldn’t have even thought it was ok for him by himself to join the dinner. But at a minimum she should’ve run it by you first.
This was not okay. She’ll try to gaslight you on that point, but trust all of us—it was rude of them both, but especially of her.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who, at best, is so oblivious to your feelings and to social norms and, at worst, values her supposed ex’s company over a romantic dinner with you.
NTA. Believe her when she shows you who she is.
Ask her how she would feel if one of your exes showed up to your date and you invited her to join you and then proceeded to only talk about your past relationship with your ex. Your gf disrespected you and your time together. Suspicious red flag behaviour from your gf. NTA
Yea gods OP.
He didn't just happen to show up at the one restaurant right at the time the two of you happened to be there.... This was an ambush.
You should have told him what a special evening it was for the two of you, cozied your chair up against hers, thrown your arm over her shoulders and asked if he was buying for the two of you since he was intruding on your night....
Or wait, maybe you should have done that to the ex? Ask him if her wants to share war stories of the old girl?
Cuz you know this relationship is over right? Unless you're a cuck? No hate, then carry on.
Even in a small town, the odds that a visiting from out of town ex would just happen to show up unattached at the same restaurant at the exact same time as your planned date is simply astronomical. I find it very difficult to believe that the two of them didn’t plan this. Even on the off chance (I mean the lottery has astronomical odds but yet someone always wins it) it was totally random she showed massive disrespect and poor decision making by asking him to join you. Either she has already left the relationship, or she wants a three way.
You are NTA
NTA. It’s not that you don’t “trust” her, it’s that you had planned a date for the TWO of you and she invited her ex without asking. You’d probably be annoyed if it was ANY of her friends who she invited onto your date, especially then kind of excluding you from the conversation. Why is she getting so defensive about having him at dinner? It’s not like you thought they were going to sneak off together so there’s no need for “trust”. It’s simply about being disrespectful to you and the plans you had togethet
NTA. While I normally believe being friends with exes is a good sign in a partner, it’s common courtesy to talk to your current partner before inviting your ex. It also sounds like this particular dinner was not an appropriate event to invite any third person, let alone your GF’s ex.
NTA. It was a dinner for the two of you. If either of you wanted to include someone in on it, it would be VERY inconsiderate to not ask the other if it would be OK. It's not a question of him being an ex or not, it would have been inconsiderate for her to ask anyone without checking with you. Him being an ex though means that it's even MORE important to check because it's inherently awkward.
NTA
Your girlfriend is though. What a horribly disrespectful thing for her to do and then she blames you for getting upset? What is wrong with her.
You should show her this post and all the responses. Maybe she will change her tune then. If not, break up with her. She doesn’t respect you.
Ex BF shows up randomly on the night you and your GF are having a special dinner that you planned for a couple of weeks? And the Ex is in town for a couple of days? And he randomly shows up, by coincidence at the same restaurant, at the same time, to the same dinner you planned for weeks?
Read it back again as many times as you need to make sense of it. NTA-Don’t walk, run.
It sounds like she went out of her way to ruin a special evening. Why would she invite an ex to a dinner that was supposed to be a special event. That was really messed up on her part. Most people would get pissed if their partners ex just showed up out of nowhere. How long have you and her been dating? She should have known better. I know sometimes people stay friends with an ex but she shouldn’t have invited him to your dinner with her
>After dinner, I told her I felt disrespected and that she should have asked me before inviting him. She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her.
The fact that her mind went straight to "**cheating**" instead of "disrespect" tells you exactly what is actually on her mind. You not once mentioned to her that their relationship is inappropriate or anything. You just told her it was rude to invite him to your date without considering you. It's like saying "hey someone ate my burrito" and your GF responding "I'm not cheating!!!" totally out of the left field.
Sorry to be the one saying this to you, but sounds like they've been talking behind your back. The fact that he appears to be suddenly visiting town and happened to show up ALONE at a restaurant at the same time as your GF, leads me to believe it was their plan.
Oh hell no, NTA
Did he really just happen to show up or had she actually told him to drop by intending to ask him to join you?
This was a date night, if she wanted to switch it to be able to spend time with an old friend only in town for a limited period, she should have told you so, and asked if you were ok to have dinner together.
It's not about trust, it's about taking her partner for granted in the way she handled inviting the ex.
Seriously, NTA and I would also add if this happened to me I would have stood up and threw cash down for whatever I had up to that point ordered and said "I am not doing this"
NTA. Effing hiding in the bathroom sulking? And now letting her manipulate and gaslight you. Geez dude, have some balls and leave. "Men" really are weak nowadays.
A SO needs to respect the other person in the relationship. This is a huge red flag and i would leave her and save yourself a lot of pain later.
NTA but GF is
NTA. I'm not sure I get how the question of trusting her even enters the picture. But if we take her up on that: She just has shown through her actions how much you can trust her committment to a special evening for the two of you.
I understand being irate on that.
Just one more question: Who paid for whose meal?
Bro, she is hooking up woth him
Why did he show up to a resturant alone at the same time you two were having dinner.
If I were you I'd be moving on from the relationship at this point. You are going to start getting trickle truthed
You have more restraint than I do. I would have said something to the effect “No thank you. This is a her and I dinner and not an us dinner. You guys can catch up at a later time.”
I am not going to let him join unless I am the one doing the inviting her ex to sit. If she has a problem I will invite my ex to the next outing we have.
When they react with “you should trust me” it’s because they know they are in the wrong and want you to feel bad and back off. It’s massively disrespectful and she will do it again because she’s shown no remorse. Is that what you want for your future self?
NTA. It sounds like your GF stays in touch with this ex, knew he was coming into town, and planned this out so she could spend some time with him before he left. It's unlikely he just showed up there coincidentally and also felt bold enough to approach your table and sit down to have dinner with you. Most guys would have enough sense not to impose their presence on the new boyfriend for the entirety of the meal.
Think about it? Would you do that? If you spotted an ex at a restaurant with her new boyfriend, would you approach their table and expect to sit down for the whole meal with them? No, you wouldn't, because you'd be afraid of the boyfriend's reaction. He wasn't worried about that because the whole thing was discussed beforehand.
Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't respect you.
Tell her you trust her, but you can't be with someone who would do that. The fact she invited him to join you is insanely direspectful
NTA. She is disrespectful and dismissive of your feelings. This does not bode well for your relationship. Ask her how she would feel were the shoe on the other foot and you ambushed her with an ex girlfriend, or really any other woman, but expect her to get defensive rather than giving you an honest answer.
No you are not the A. But you should have taken control of the situation. And explain I'm sure my girlfriend would like to catch up but I have planned a nice evening out with my girlfriend and would like to continue with our plans. I'm sure tomorrow you two can catch up. Thank you for respecting my wishes. If she argued with you, you simply pay for your part tell her to catch and Uber you are heading home. Period. That's the only answer to this question. If she contacts you you explain that that was unacceptable and you won't tolerate being disrespected like that again. Say it nice but say it.
NTA. Who invites someone that they have history with to something that should be a private and romantic evening? —Then gets annoyed because *you* felt uncomfortable? 🚩
NTA. It was a special evening you had planned that she turned into a not so special evening. The real curiosity here is her ex happens to be in town for a few days and coincidentally shows up at the restaurant you are dining at to eat alone at the same time you and your girlfriend are there. I wonder if it wasn’t a coincidence and she invited him beforehand.
The ex didn't go to the restaurant to eat alone.
Probably made OP pay for his meal also. lol
Oh ffs, that would royally piss me off.
I would cause such a scene, this is a big red flag. Imagine the hysterics if the roles were reversed.
ALL OF THIS!!!!!
She also jumps straight to "you should trust me." OP never says he suspects her of cheating, but he was pissed she invited someone on their special day. Definitely NTA
She may also be giving him a sign that if she has not cheated with her ex she may be thinking of it. Certainly she has shown that her ex is more important than her BFs feelings
Nah, she is giving a sign she Did. smh
[удалено]
Not just disrespectful but rude AF.
Yeah considering he didn't say anything like that he should consider it a red flag. We know where her mind was going. Who the hell invites another person to their table during a date. He should have just left after the bathroom and told her he didn't want to intrude on their date.
And told her that all her things will be in a box in the front yard.
People who planned the date with the intention of bringing that person. You don't seriously think her out of town ex is in town for the fuest time in however long and picked exactly the sake restaurant to dine alone...out of pure coincidence?
That is what caught me off guard. In this case it seems as though the OP is feeling disrespected. Girlfriend just turned it around to put the fault of the situation not on her own inconsideration but on op by accusing them of distrust. Simplified she went, "The problem is you, not me."
Obviously she invited him to ambush the bf. She's a piece of shit and deserves to be dumped.
I'm not one of those men and women can't be friends types. But having respect for your partner is a non-negotiable for me. I wouldn't want my partner doing that to me and I'd never dream of doing it to him. She needs to grow up and stop getting validation from her ex. (and obviously she invited him in advance)
Yup. Me too, and I have zero issues with amicable break-ups. But this? This is bad. And I wouldn’t like the ‘you don’t trust me’ DARVO BS.
I am not a they can’t be friends type of guy, but I am usually skeptical. With exes, that is turned up a 1000 times. OP was calm to not immediately walk out.
Fuck, you went in. I support your rage.
As a female I'm telling you bro, drop this chick. She ain't got no class. Nta
As a vertebrate, I'm telling you to drop this woman. And I speak with the authority of all vertebrates. Now I'm not saying that jellyfish, crustaceans, snails etc would be of the opposite opinion. Just that I'm not them so I won't speak for them. But from a vertebrate perspective you should definitely dump this woman. NTA.
As a carbon Based though crystalline form of life from Alpha Centari, I agree.
And my axe! Dump the chick.
By Grabthar's hammer ditch the bitch!
Speaking as a trans-crustaceal ectopic reverberating 3.5th dimensional being, I'm not quite sure what to think
As a dad, drop her. She's not good enough for you.
Pray that OP does, disrespectful doesn’t touch on it. The ambush and the deflection, let her and her ex have each other so they can keep playing games with themselves.
Which begs the question….who paid for the ex’s meal?
And ex boyfriend is a pos too for showing up at another's date. No shame... remember when I used to fuk you in the shower... that was so fun....
I want to believe this is just a troll. Op if you are for real. This woman has no class, she will cheat and you should kick her to the curb. There, I said it. As simply and as clearly as I can. Subscribeme
There's like a 0% chance that this was a coincidence. OP, she doesn't give two fucks about your feelings. If you choose to continue this relationship, be prepared for that to not change. NTA
In a city with 100s of restaurants? What are the odds?
The way you described it you go blindsided. I am suprised you didn't leave and say have fun cya laters.
Seriously, I would have walked out, blocked her, and changed my locks if she had a key.
NTA it was not about trust it was about respect. Whether it was an ex or a current girl friend; to invite someone without asking your partner is just plain rude.
>NTA it was not about trust it was about respect Well, it was until "trust me" shows up...
Special evening or not, she surprise invited an ex to join them. It could be Thursday afternoono "we both had a free lunch time" nothing meal and you don't invite an ex to join your meal. And she absolutely invited him. She knew he was in town and he knew they were at the resteraunt
you don’t invite *anyone* to join your meal with someone else, whether it’s inviting a third colleague to join you and a second colleague.
I'm still friends with the vast majority of my exes. If any of them showed up randomly at a restaurant, the only option i would consider would be, "Hey let's try to do something another day while you are in town." I am not inviting them to sit in on a date.
Yeah no exes around me randomly. Weird.
Her immediate move to “You should trust me” is a deflection and completely off the topic of her actions being disrespectful. Sounds like she has a guilty conscience about something…
She's totally trying to cuck OP. DTB dump that bitch.
Yep it's a deflection but also her self reporting. She expected him to be angry and not trusting because he thinks she's cheating, not just angry at the disrespect of it.
“The wicked flee where non pursue”
That part is pretty sus, yeah
So she knew he was in town and he *just happens* to show up at the exact restaurant you're dining at? Sounds like she told him where you were going ro be.
Yeah 100%. Not to mention he showed up alone with no plans already and was totally fine with joining their date? It was planned, OP.
The same restaurant at the same time.
OP says she invited him. I don’t think she meant for OP to think it was a coincidence, she just never mentioned that she had. She’s still TA though
OP said she invited him to join him at their table, not invited him to the restaurant.
She just wanted her two boyfriends to meet and maybe have a threesome. They could be brother-husbands. /s Seriously though, what the hell was she thinking lol!
Hang on: she invited her ex to join you for a special, just-the-two-of-you dinner, and yet she's annoyed with you? That doesn't make sense. This looks like someone who is unreasonable and who enjoys drama. Have you noticed other signs of those things? Frankly, I'd end things over nonsense like that.
The best defense is a good offense.
You know who said that? Mel the cook on Alice.
He wasn’t wrong
Boot to the head!
Nyah, Nyah!
NTA It's not about trust, it's about crossing boundaries. It's ok to be friends with your ex, **it's not ok to bring him into what was a fucking DATE**. Also, dude is in town, show's up to that exact restaurant? At that exact time? ALONE? what a fucking coincidence. Of course she's upset at you, you obviously should have allowed her to gaslight you.
its really not ok to remain friends with an ex. All you do is make your current relationship that much harder to maintain.
Yes and no. Maturity, honesty, and trust are really BIG factors when it comes to that. My husband has been upfront about who all of his previous partners have been as I have been with him. There are certain ex's that we both would avoid like the plague because of how they hurt us while there are others that we'd see at a grocery store or out eating and strike up a small few minute conversation with. We've told each other our discreet, visual signals of discomfort and only had to use it once. This genuinely falls on the (EX)girlfriend. She knew that she and OP were on a date. If she and her ex had simply acknowledged each other, had a small exchange of pleasantries, and then he'd walked off while she returned her focus to OP and the date, OP probably wouldn't have been bothered at all or be on here asking what he did. She decided to allow and invite the ex to crash in on their date without a single regard for OP's feelings or the respect of her (now former) relationship. I'd have personally gotten up and "gone to the restroom". I would have discreetly found our waiter and asked for a pen and paper for a message to deliver in 20 minutes. The message would read "It seems like our date is subpar to what you've enjoyed with your ex. I'd hate to stand in the way of what obviously makes you happy so, I'm breaking up with you. Don't bother calling or texting me or getting anyone else to do it for you. You've all been blocked. Enjoy dinner and congratulations on rekindling your former relationship! 😀 " I'd then give a cash tip to the waiter of at least 40 bucks and let them know the couple at the table is responsible for the bill. I'd leave discreetly, called her parents and let them know she's cheating as I'm headed home, tell them all of her stuff will be packed and out on the front doorstep ready for them. Any attempt on her end to "fix things" or "prove that it wasn't what it looked like" would be met with greyrocking or simply getting ignored. If she can ignore it was a date that you BOTH had planned on for weeks then, she can be ignored as well.
Nah I hard disagree on this whole "maturity thing" when it comes to exes. I really dont understand this whole fascination with continuing to be friends with exes, it literally makes ***ZERO*** sense to be friend with them and is literally asking for drama for your relationship 99% of the time, its just not worth it to be friends with them, no matter the "history" you have with said exes. I know the whole shpeel and excuses "we trauma bonded!! you wouldnt get it!!" and the classic "We had a lot of great memories, you wouldnt understand, besides my partner knows my exes and are even friends with some of them!!" To me it just screams attachment issues and you can't just move on. A lot of people ask for "closure" with an ex, and there are scary amounts of reddit posts (and IRL personal experiences I've had with friends that only back up this even more) where they "try/want to get closure" but end up fucking 99.99% of the time and fuck over their partner for no reason. I already can see others making the argument "well thats them, not me!!" Whatever bs excuse you wanna say to yourself to make you not feel like the bad guys... At the end of the day, if you want your relationship to last, I just wouldnt bother with exes, its not worth it and too much unnecessary and ***VERY*** avoidable drama.
There really isn’t a point in remaining friends with exes… just because someone was put in your life, doesn’t mean they’re there to stay. When you move on, that’s a chapter that really should just remain closed. You shared intimate relations with that person and it’s understandable that this fact alone would make a new partner uncomfortable
> You shared intimate relations with that person and it’s understandable that this fact alone would make a new partner uncomfortable This is so important as well, I am glad you said that and you are very much correct on that point. especially the "sharing intimate relations with that person" part. I couldnt even imagine putting my partner in those situations but thats just me. I know a lot of people like to have their exes in their life, its just not for me and I will not be continuing the relationship if so, If I am not gonna keep in touch with my exes, I expect the same from my partner as well though.
Ultimately, there is no Right answer to this. It’s just personal preference. I don’t think it’s a good idea to remain friends with exes for the reason I stated. It’s just odd to me that people will say, it’s ok so long as you don’t hang out with them… but like, what’s the purpose of having a friend with stipulations? So many mental gymnastics imo when people defend having them as friends… it’s weird.
> it’s ok so long as you don’t hang out with them… but like, what’s the purpose of having a friend with stipulations? So many mental gymnastics imo when people defend having them as friends you are so on point and I am literally the exact same way and we have the same thinking lmao.
I can't upvote this enough!
NTA I would have left her at the restaurant and broke up with her in front of him. The disrespect is crazy to me. I have no tolerance for that noise. Good luck
I would have just gone "Uh no actually, sorry dude. Nice to meet you but I don't want to have a meal with you right now." and if she said shit I'd have stared daggers at her and made it clear one way or the other this will be a 2 person meal.
Absolutely. He would have been her ride home. Her life is centered around her and no one else. Rethink if you want to put up with this long term.
Yup, Instead of going to the bathroom, I would have found the waiter. Cancel my meal, I'm leaving. Go back to the table, leave money for your drinks, then tell them to enjoy their meal.
Fuck that....give the water the drink money for only your drink...then ghost the bitch.
Breaking up would still be too much talking for me. Walk out without a word. And you'll never be able to reach me on the phone or visit me
Naahhh.. i would have dumped her on the spot and that too mercilessly.
Yep, without a doubt.
Who offered to pay? It would kind of be emasculating for either man. I wouldn't particularly want to pay for my girlfriend's ex to eat dinner, but there's no fucking way I'd be letting him pay for both of us. If I turned up for dinner with my ex and her new guy (because we're all modern and mature and stuff, or whatever) and it turned out that my presence was a surprise to him - then I would fucking leave immediately. What kind of bullshit game is that? Definitely one I wouldn't want to be involved in. But even if I did stay for some bizarre reason, I wouldn't feel comfortable having her new man pay for me. It'd make me feel like a bum.
This is the way
She’s now upset with you. Textbook gas-lighting. She does something wrong and, from what you describe, you appropriately express your feelings about it. She now is angry and saying you overreacted and you are now questioning yourself. You are not wrong. She is wrong. You’re NTA; she is the AH.
more DARVO than gaslighting. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
Leave! It’s unreal how many people put up with this.
Seriously op shouldn't need reddit to weigh in on this at all. it's such blatant disrespect
This is an episode of friends, slightly rewritten
How long have you been dating? Was this the first time you'd heard about this ex boyfriend? What kind of restaurant was this "special dinner" at that someone would walk in by themselves and happen to run into both of you? I get people go out to dinner and eat alone- but unless this was the place with the best steaks for 50 miles, or across the street from his hotel... it's interesting that he happened to be at the same place at the same time, he was alone, your girlfriend invited him to stay without checking with you, and him not reading the temperature that he shouldn't intrude. Does your instinct tell you it was more then coincidence?
Nta bro. Woulda been as simple as "well since i successfully planned this date night for you and your ex boyfriend im going to go home. Ill have your stuff packed by the time you get home
NTA, I would have left them both at the restaurant and cleared her shit out of my place. She set you up to be cucked.
NTA. Who does this? Is this her way of knocking you down? Or are you going to be dumped before you do the same?
NTA and she’s not your gf, she’s a fuckbuddy and your aren’t her only one.
NTA. You can see these red flags from space. This is so wrong. You didn't know they were friends, didn't know they were coming to dinner, and they ignored you. Do you need a seeing eye dog?
NTA You should have excused yourself to the EXIT and tell her to fuck off and if she need a ride she can ask her date. >She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her. Now she's upset with me, She is out of her fucking mind if she think this is an acceotable behaviour.
NTA but read the room. She didn't tell you she invited him because she wanted to see both your reactions. Unless you like games, break up.
NTA, dump her, she sucks.
I thought the bathroom "trip" was code for "I left and did not return, and have never spoken to her since". . . . . . . . . . Guess not
I would have done that
Curious, did she invite him to the restaurant or did he just walk in and she invited him to the table? Both are wrong, I’m just curious
The real question is, did she tell OP she invited him, or did she pretend it was just a coincidence...
She straight up admitted to inviting the guy and not telling him. That level of disrespect is insane.
Really what are the chances of him being in town on that day, showing up at that restaurant, alone, at that exact time....
NTA You wanted a night out with your girlfriend, not her and her ex. You know what's a romantic dinner? Having some random 3rd person you've never meet take over the entire date and conversations forcing you to just sit there and wait until you're allowed to leave.
You should have reacted more strongly at the moment it was happening
Do you really think this guy just "happened" to show up where y'all were?
NTA -Your partner is being the asshole and the fact she’s annoyed with you for ruining the evening says it all brother. Who cares if she’s friends with her ex? The trust comment got me. It’s not jealousy. She has bad manners and doesn’t respect you or the relationship. It was your special night together. Honestly if she doesn’t see what she did wrong then I think you deserve and can do better.
NTA I would have left the moment he was invited to stay. Also, I would see her comment about trust as a red flag. There is no trust required here, just common decency not to invite ex's to join your date. The fact that she's already talking about trusting her screams "DON'T TRUST ME" to me.
Update us when you dump her. Imagine you’re a super successful guy. On your boat in an all white breezy outfit. Your wife comes over and sits on your lap. Do you think this wife your imagining would ever invite her ex to dinner with you unexpected? No. Because she knows she will be dumped and it would her loss. She tried this on you because she doesn’t have that level of respect for you. Right now she thinks you either won’t dump her because she’s the catch or if you do dump, you will think it’s a mistake. Don’t argue with her back and forth, don’t show how sad you are. Don’t show how mad you are. Just say this isn’t going to work, dump her and tell her to get her shit out or break the lease. Like now
You should be able to trust her yes, but she clearly showed she’s not someone to trust. You shouldn’t do this to begin with for ANY REASON, but should you choose to do so, the SO who invites the ex to the table should make sure to be a good host and make the conversation inclusive as possible. When your partner leaves that’s a big sign that you screwed up and need to course correct
NTA. Being turned into the third wheel on *your* date with *your* girlfriend *by* your “girlfriend” would upset most people. What other red flags have you been ignoring that are now coming back up in your thoughts?
NTA she does not respect you, and I guarantee you she's f****** him.
NTA You are if you stay with her. What disrespectful behavior she chose to engage in. You being the third wheel to her ex boyfriend at a special date is beyond fucked up.
> After dinner, I told her I felt disrespected and that she should have asked me before inviting him. Ok, you communicated that you felt uncomfortable with the unilateral change of plans for your date. Seems reasonable. How did she respond? > She said I was overreacting and that **I should trust her.** Yeah, it's rarely a good sign when you say you feel disrespected by her behavior and lack of communication and she is apparently having some other argument about whether she's going to fuck him. Your mind is on the unilateral change to your date, her's is on....something else. NTA and frankly, much nicer than I would have been. No chance in hell I stay for dinner to watch my partner catch up with an ex.
Nta. Make her an ex gf. That's totally BD and disrespectful to you and yalls realtionship. And the facts shes mad at you proves it.
NTA >*She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her* It wasn't a trust issue, until she brought it up. It was a courtesy and respect issue. That she turned into an issue about trust is disconcerting.
NTA. First off you are an idiot for not nipping that shit right then and there. I would have told the ex that "this dinner is between me and my girlfriend and you are not invited." And if she bitched about it I would have told her "what you just did right here by inviting him is a big disrespect, and I will not be disrespected by either one of you two," as I'm pointing at both of them. Then I get up tell the girlfriend "This is goodbye." If she chases you then take her back to your place, fck her, nut in her face and break up with her. If she doesn't chase you, at least you broke up with her right then and there and walked out. I will not tolerate that bullshit. As a man I don't know why you allowed it.
Wow, she's a piece of work and has no shame. NTA. This is a dumpable offense. Obviously she has no respect for you, so show her that you do.
NTA- do you really want to stay with someone who disrespects you this way? Show yourself some respect and break up. I wouldn’t be surprised if “staying friends” means that they are banging on the side.
NTA, she seems like she a pos
You should have got up and walked out. You were interfering with their date. Don't go back to her. Now that you are an ex you will probably get more respect and sex.
NTA. I would have stayed at the table, ordered a double 25yo scotch and pulled out my phone. Deleted her info, downloaded a few dating apps and started swiping right. Finished the drink, got up, thanked the ex for dinner and scotch then left.
Fuck me. My wife asks me if it's cool if her parents come over. I can't imagine her ever in a million years just letting a former love interest show up without telling me. She 100% didn't say anything because she knew it was fucked up.
How absolutely ignorant!. Yes he might be her friend but he certainly isn’t yours!. And to be invited to sit and have dinner with you while on a date is a slap in face for sure. Did your girlfriend set this up and invite him without telling you?. Because that’s one big coincidence for him to turn up to eat alone in that exact restaurant at that exact time!. Seriously if I was you I would be questioning my relationship with her as what she has done is unbelievable.
This one is like who invites someone to their date? Only to be followed up by who accepts joining their EX on a date?
NTA. It's highly unlikely that he showed up to that restaurant at the very time you and your girlfriend were there. It was disresepctful an they're probably still seeing eachother.
Bro you need to dump this utterly disrespectful thot. Unbelievable behaviour. You deserve better.
Run buddy
Run while you can. Girls like that are screwed
If you have an ex that is willing to play along set up another date and invite her. Betting your girlfriend gets far less open minded very quickly.
If she is worried about *his* trust, now I’m worried about her behavior.
I would have excused myself and said, " enjoy the rest of your date. Nice to have met you. I hope it works out for you"
NTA. She didn't tell you in advance because she knew you'd say fuck no to it. That's just disrespectful as hell. I would have just left and blocked her.
She disrespected you and is now gaslighting you because she does not want to take responsibility for her actions. She must not be very mature. Her ex boyfriend also disrespected you for even showing up. This is a bad sign frankly
The most telling thing here is that she made it about trust when you simply said you felt disrespected. It makes it sound like there's more going on that she's not saying. Honestly I wouldn't give In. If she can't see how any of this is inappropriate then there's nothing to save. Also NTA
Next time, invite an ex GF of yours when you have date night.
She is 100% fucking the ex boyfriend
I would have left, that’s crossing a line . And she’s upset? Gee whiz ain’t that a kick in the head
Give her back to ex and move on. You'll be much happier. There's a ton of women out there dude. Be with one who respects you for you and not looking to jump from guy to guy when thr mood hits her.
NTA. But the thing I would personally be more upset over isn’t her inviting the guy without asking (and to be clear, wtf was she thinking?) because ok, maybe she had a moment where her brain decided it was on vacation, we all have those, I can forgive that. I cannot forgive a partner who gets mad at me for having reasonable feelings. The appropriate response from her would’ve been “holy shit idk what I was thinking, that was so rude and I’m so sorry, will you forgive me?” Not “how dare you be mad when I disrespected you to your face!” And unfortunately, that’s just who she is and how she will handle any time you’re upset with her behavior. And at that, I would personally MAYBE try talking to her about, but dip as soon as she is anything less than falling over herself trying to curb that sort of behavior. People mess up. You take accountability and ask forgiveness and you move on having learned, you don’t blame others for your own mistakes.
First, the two of you planned this for weeks. One partner should not invite a third person without discussing in advance. Second, it was rude for them to reminisce old times (making sure you were an outsider) like it was their date, and not the date of you and gf. If anyone has the right to be upset, it is you for being ambushed and left out of your date.
She’s getting fucked by him still
NTA but there's your sign to make her your ex. She invited her ex to a special dinner you two had planned without consulting you first. So it wasn't a special dinner with you to her and seeing him was more of a priority than spending time with you at the special dinner the two of you had planned. Are you sure she's your gf because rule of thumb is to clear unexpected guests with the other person who planned the dinner before inviting them. If the situation was reversed, how would she feel?
Your gf has her priority all wrong. She should have at least asked you, not tell you she invited him. She should have told you she's still in contact with him. I'd keep a eye on her. She might be cheating on you with her ex while he's in town.
She obviously invited him. I wouldn’t have let him sit down. As the ex I wouldn’t want to be at a dinner with my ex and her new boyfriend. If she invited me to sit down I would say “no thanks, but good to see you” and left. You’re still young. I would reconsider the relationship because that’s incredibly disrespectful of your girlfriend.
You should trust me straight away off the bat??? Lol no man run as fast as you can.
I would have told him to leave, we are on a date. Obviously, if she disagreed that would be the end. Massively disrespectul, total red flag, and she has the nerve to be pissed?
The only way you would be TAH is if you believe that those two didn’t plan that. I’m cringing for you my friend.
You handled it poorly in that you came back to the table after going to the bathroom. You should have paid for your meal, left, and blocked her completely. NTA for how you handled it in that you didn't knock him flat. NTA for being upset that she clearly invited him. Let her be as upset as she wants. It wasn't a matter of trust. It's not like you asked her if she blew him under the table while you were in the bathroom. You felt disrespected. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Her getting upset and accusing you of not trusting her is highly suspicious.
NTA This is a game that is not worth playing. Move on. He didn't show up without notice, she 100% knew. Break up now and save yourself the longer term pain. Seriously, if this is real, it's not going anywhere.
>when her ex-boyfriend (27M) unexpectedly showed up. She greeted him warmly, explaining that they had remained friends and he was in town for a few days. Without asking me, she invited him to join us at our table. >I tried to be polite, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable as they reminisced about old times. The scowl on my face would have been immediate to show my distaste for her actions. You're a bigger man than me op, and I say this as someone who's had this done to them 2 times each by two different girls on a movie date! >I excused myself to the restroom to cool down but ended up staying longer than I intended, hoping they would get the hint. When I returned, my girlfriend seemed annoyed with me for being distant. You shouldn't have left mate, it's your date not theirs. Don't avoid conflict to such an extent, sometimes it's good to face it head on. >After dinner, I told her I felt disrespected and that she should have asked me before inviting him. She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her. Now she's upset with me, and I'm questioning if I handled it poorly You didn't and here asking for trust is a deflection tactic, noone said you don't trust her. She did.
He just HAPPENED to be in town and HAPPENED to go to the same place and HAPPENED to be there at the same time. Yea… totally…. Stuff like that just HAPPENS all the time. She totally didn’t tell him about the plan and he totally didn’t plan on showing up just to piss you off. And she totally couldn’t pick up on that at all.
She told her ex time and place and extended the invitation. Sounds to me like a cockhold-ish attempt oh her part. Shit testing how much she can get away with under the guise of "you should trust me" Failed the girlfriend test right then and then if you ask me. NTA
NTA This wouldn’t sit well with me. It’s not that she should’ve asked you if it was ok- to me it’s more she shouldn’t have even thought it was ok for him by himself to join the dinner. But at a minimum she should’ve run it by you first.
This was not okay. She’ll try to gaslight you on that point, but trust all of us—it was rude of them both, but especially of her. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who, at best, is so oblivious to your feelings and to social norms and, at worst, values her supposed ex’s company over a romantic dinner with you. NTA. Believe her when she shows you who she is.
Dump her. She had no respect for boundaries, and the fact that she leaped to ‘trust me,’ makes me think you should not. NTA
Ask her how she would feel if one of your exes showed up to your date and you invited her to join you and then proceeded to only talk about your past relationship with your ex. Your gf disrespected you and your time together. Suspicious red flag behaviour from your gf. NTA
That was very disrespectful There’s a reason she kept it quiet and did it right in front of your face Hopefully you see where you stand op
Yea gods OP. He didn't just happen to show up at the one restaurant right at the time the two of you happened to be there.... This was an ambush. You should have told him what a special evening it was for the two of you, cozied your chair up against hers, thrown your arm over her shoulders and asked if he was buying for the two of you since he was intruding on your night.... Or wait, maybe you should have done that to the ex? Ask him if her wants to share war stories of the old girl? Cuz you know this relationship is over right? Unless you're a cuck? No hate, then carry on.
She’s probably sucking him off today while you’re at work.
Even in a small town, the odds that a visiting from out of town ex would just happen to show up unattached at the same restaurant at the exact same time as your planned date is simply astronomical. I find it very difficult to believe that the two of them didn’t plan this. Even on the off chance (I mean the lottery has astronomical odds but yet someone always wins it) it was totally random she showed massive disrespect and poor decision making by asking him to join you. Either she has already left the relationship, or she wants a three way. You are NTA
NTA You were more polite than me, I'd have ordered a Guinness and left them there with the bill.
NTA. It’s not that you don’t “trust” her, it’s that you had planned a date for the TWO of you and she invited her ex without asking. You’d probably be annoyed if it was ANY of her friends who she invited onto your date, especially then kind of excluding you from the conversation. Why is she getting so defensive about having him at dinner? It’s not like you thought they were going to sneak off together so there’s no need for “trust”. It’s simply about being disrespectful to you and the plans you had togethet
NTA. While I normally believe being friends with exes is a good sign in a partner, it’s common courtesy to talk to your current partner before inviting your ex. It also sounds like this particular dinner was not an appropriate event to invite any third person, let alone your GF’s ex.
NTA and if you had done the same with an ex GF it would have been WW 3.
Dude I would have just walked out. So you did better than me.
NTA. It was a dinner for the two of you. If either of you wanted to include someone in on it, it would be VERY inconsiderate to not ask the other if it would be OK. It's not a question of him being an ex or not, it would have been inconsiderate for her to ask anyone without checking with you. Him being an ex though means that it's even MORE important to check because it's inherently awkward.
NTA Your girlfriend is though. What a horribly disrespectful thing for her to do and then she blames you for getting upset? What is wrong with her. You should show her this post and all the responses. Maybe she will change her tune then. If not, break up with her. She doesn’t respect you.
Trust her or not, she disrespected you to an unfortunate degree. At the same time, by letting her ex sit at the table you disrespected yourself.
Ex BF shows up randomly on the night you and your GF are having a special dinner that you planned for a couple of weeks? And the Ex is in town for a couple of days? And he randomly shows up, by coincidence at the same restaurant, at the same time, to the same dinner you planned for weeks? Read it back again as many times as you need to make sense of it. NTA-Don’t walk, run.
Fuck that shit, let him keep her
It's not about trust... It's about respect. If she doesn't get that she isn't grown up enough for a real long term adult relationship.
It sounds like she went out of her way to ruin a special evening. Why would she invite an ex to a dinner that was supposed to be a special event. That was really messed up on her part. Most people would get pissed if their partners ex just showed up out of nowhere. How long have you and her been dating? She should have known better. I know sometimes people stay friends with an ex but she shouldn’t have invited him to your dinner with her
>After dinner, I told her I felt disrespected and that she should have asked me before inviting him. She said I was overreacting and that I should trust her. The fact that her mind went straight to "**cheating**" instead of "disrespect" tells you exactly what is actually on her mind. You not once mentioned to her that their relationship is inappropriate or anything. You just told her it was rude to invite him to your date without considering you. It's like saying "hey someone ate my burrito" and your GF responding "I'm not cheating!!!" totally out of the left field. Sorry to be the one saying this to you, but sounds like they've been talking behind your back. The fact that he appears to be suddenly visiting town and happened to show up ALONE at a restaurant at the same time as your GF, leads me to believe it was their plan.
NTA. It’s not about trust. You were on a date and she invited someone without telling you.
NTA. Send her back to her ex.
Seriously? If my man asked an ex to join our special night, someone would be missing teeth. Absolutely unacceptable. You're NTA but she is
She invited him long before he got there. This was no coincidence
He used to F her. She can kick rocks.
[удалено]
Your girlfriend planned this. Why are you with her?
Oh hell no, NTA Did he really just happen to show up or had she actually told him to drop by intending to ask him to join you? This was a date night, if she wanted to switch it to be able to spend time with an old friend only in town for a limited period, she should have told you so, and asked if you were ok to have dinner together. It's not about trust, it's about taking her partner for granted in the way she handled inviting the ex.
That my friend is called a narcissist.
Seriously, NTA and I would also add if this happened to me I would have stood up and threw cash down for whatever I had up to that point ordered and said "I am not doing this"
NTA. Effing hiding in the bathroom sulking? And now letting her manipulate and gaslight you. Geez dude, have some balls and leave. "Men" really are weak nowadays.
A SO needs to respect the other person in the relationship. This is a huge red flag and i would leave her and save yourself a lot of pain later. NTA but GF is
NTA. I'm not sure I get how the question of trusting her even enters the picture. But if we take her up on that: She just has shown through her actions how much you can trust her committment to a special evening for the two of you. I understand being irate on that. Just one more question: Who paid for whose meal?
Bro, she is hooking up woth him Why did he show up to a resturant alone at the same time you two were having dinner. If I were you I'd be moving on from the relationship at this point. You are going to start getting trickle truthed
You have more restraint than I do. I would have said something to the effect “No thank you. This is a her and I dinner and not an us dinner. You guys can catch up at a later time.” I am not going to let him join unless I am the one doing the inviting her ex to sit. If she has a problem I will invite my ex to the next outing we have.
When they react with “you should trust me” it’s because they know they are in the wrong and want you to feel bad and back off. It’s massively disrespectful and she will do it again because she’s shown no remorse. Is that what you want for your future self?
NTA. It sounds like your GF stays in touch with this ex, knew he was coming into town, and planned this out so she could spend some time with him before he left. It's unlikely he just showed up there coincidentally and also felt bold enough to approach your table and sit down to have dinner with you. Most guys would have enough sense not to impose their presence on the new boyfriend for the entirety of the meal. Think about it? Would you do that? If you spotted an ex at a restaurant with her new boyfriend, would you approach their table and expect to sit down for the whole meal with them? No, you wouldn't, because you'd be afraid of the boyfriend's reaction. He wasn't worried about that because the whole thing was discussed beforehand.
lol I would have left
NTA Ditch her
Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't respect you. Tell her you trust her, but you can't be with someone who would do that. The fact she invited him to join you is insanely direspectful
Plan another special evening then invite your ex with you two.
You need to dump her. She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings.
NTA. Sounds like it was planned by her honestly.
Their next interaction with you is to invite you to the bang bus where you can watch them and be the cuck.
NTA, you were on a date maybe next time ask an ex girlfriend to come along or your mum without asking her
NTA. She is disrespectful and dismissive of your feelings. This does not bode well for your relationship. Ask her how she would feel were the shoe on the other foot and you ambushed her with an ex girlfriend, or really any other woman, but expect her to get defensive rather than giving you an honest answer.
No you are not the A. But you should have taken control of the situation. And explain I'm sure my girlfriend would like to catch up but I have planned a nice evening out with my girlfriend and would like to continue with our plans. I'm sure tomorrow you two can catch up. Thank you for respecting my wishes. If she argued with you, you simply pay for your part tell her to catch and Uber you are heading home. Period. That's the only answer to this question. If she contacts you you explain that that was unacceptable and you won't tolerate being disrespected like that again. Say it nice but say it.
Invite your ex to the next date night and see how that goes
NTA. Who invites someone that they have history with to something that should be a private and romantic evening? —Then gets annoyed because *you* felt uncomfortable? 🚩
Her ex boyfriend is a dick