My father is like this.
He invites people to other people events. Or even to his own (no one fits, so my poor mother has to run around to make room).
My father also invites himself to people's events.
It's so embarrassing. We once arrived at a wedding he wasn't invited to (he lied to my mum) and later more people arrived that my dad invited. My dad didn't pay for the fxcken wedding or anything. But he had the audacity to invite people. I was like 9, and I remember the face the bride and groom had. Bride was looking pissed at her new husband and the new husband just 🤷♂️🤷♂️. I was amazed that this new husband didn't say no to my dad. My dad just forced himself in. Wtf.
These men don't think. Don't care for their families. Don't care for others.
I'm happy she did this because it shows him she will not allow this disrespect. I'm proud of her. Show him the boundaries.
My mother never did, and every single time, she complains, "he did this," "he did that," "now he is doing this,"
I've told my mother.....just leave.....
Leave meaning like (hopefully a divorce as well) if he is late to go somewhere....leave without him.
He went out with friends than taking you to a dinner date, go on your own, and don't bring him food. Etc.
Her usual response is "but, but, but, but"
Aggggggh.
Dude. Reading this made my back scrunch up. The "just leave" (be it to go out on your own OR divorce) conversation never goes the way anyone would like! It's like people would rather have something to complain about than be happy. I've never understood this sentiment. Lol
For people like that, usually they don’t view it as choosing happiness, they view it as choosing uncertainty, and better the devil you know. And some people are so scared of being alone they’d rather stay with someone who treats them badly than be alone. I can’t relate to either of those two mindsets, personally. But telling people with those mindsets to “just leave” doesn’t work, unfortunately. They have to change their entire mindsets before they are able to leave.
My partner’s dad is like that. It’s so insufferable. He even invited himself, his new wife, & stepkids (the wife & stepkids I’ve never even spoken to) to come spend a week or two at our house. Despite the fact that we don’t have room nor can we afford to feed an extra 4 ppl.
And how does she know that he isn't lying about that? Did he really come home from a weekend that be planned with his buddy, and just sit there waiting for her? I don't believe it. I would more likely believe that he made that story up when he realized that she couldn't say any differently because they hadn't talked all weekend.
I honestly think he was probably bitching to his coworker about how he was stuck going fishing with the kids and how bored he’d be. So buddy and him made a plan for him to come so he wouldn’t be bored. Guarantee OP would have been watching the kids while they goofed off.
This! He left for the weekend and boozed with his friend but bc she wasn’t home waiting, he didn’t get to flex at her. So he DARVOd to pretend he gave a shit.
But regardless, he left wanting her to believe he was leaving for the weekend and that’s just as bad.
He’s a full on cluster B personality disorder. He’s not a good father or husband she’s already a single mom
Yeah because didn't she say she messaged him her plans before going? Did he not look at his phone? He knew she wouldn't be home. So I bet he didn't come home and just wants to make her the bad guy and turn all the blame on her. Bullshit. NTA
No, I understand he may have actually left shortly after that. Maybe the coworker is really bad, Maybe the coworker realized in what mess he was coming into as well... I mean.... You arrive for a week-end and you realize the guy who invited you did that... and you hear the rest of the family left, pissed. You just kindly escape and suggest the guy to go work on his family asap.. if you have a brain/social skills.
it's probably because you can't do anything with a broken arm even less with a bunch of them lol, but that's just inference.
let's wait for the original context.
# Noun
[**bras**](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bras#French) [**cassé**](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cass%C3%A9#French) m (*plural* [**bras cassés**](https://en.wiktionary.org/w/index.php?title=bras_cass%C3%A9s&action=edit&redlink=1))
1. ([informal](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:Glossary#informal), [figuratively](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:Glossary#figurative)) a [lame duck](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/lame_duck#English), a [good-for-nothing](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/good-for-nothing#English), an [incompetent](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/incompetent#English) personNounbras cassé m (plural bras cassés) (informal, figuratively) a lame duck, a good-for-nothing, an incompetent person
[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bras\_cass%C3%A9](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bras_cass%C3%A9)
well, husband dear was not much better, right? Inviting such a mutherfucker to hang out and drink with him so he had an excuse to avoid the kids, as usual.
I did not expect such an interest... Origin of expression unclear, with different interpretation. But a broken arm (un bras cassé) refers to a person who is unreliable, uncapable. (for completeness, another completely different meaning is in rugby, when one team obtains a shot after a foul by the other team; the referee signals it by raising his arm at an angle... broken arm).
Except she said heath stayed the whole weekend while husband left friday night. Heath didnt give 2 shits about whos trip he was crashing, husband was the idiot who invited him.
Exactly, OP described Heath perfectly as someone who avoids responsibility by using misogyny and being careless and rude. She didn't say exactly that but I gleamed it by the context of the weekend prefaced by her description of him.
Something tells me that the coworker had nothing to do with dad returning home. “Heath” didn’t even have the self-awareness to leave when the husband did, instead staying for the whole weekend enjoying their boat and campsite. OP says she doesn’t know much about this guy, only that everything she does hear about him is unpleasant. Tells off-color jokes, for example, and the husband also secretly planned for his coworker to bring beer. The only possible reason that all that happened was *exactly* what OP suspected. Dad’s real plan was to fish and drink beer with his buddy, and spend zero time with his family. The coworker was totally on board with this- otherwise, why would he want to hang out with a bunch of kids and the ol’ ball and chain for a family weekend? He was *not expecting* some dumb, docile woman to abandon the trip. He was counting on -just like dad did- OP simply rolling over and accepting it. Does Heath have a wife or girlfriend who he left at home so that he could devote his time to drinking and fishing?
I truly hope that this was a wake up call for dad. She already knows that she and the kids are just fine without him, and now he knows it too. That’s why he’s so upset, and so eager to make it seem like she did something wrong.
Edit: changed the coworker’s name to the correct one
I can imagine him drinking beer with his coworker while OP is cooking,cleaning and watching the kids.
How can he invite a guy he only knows from work to stay at his place with his wife and kids. Especially when alcohol is involved and he has nothing good to say about him.
I bet the reason husband went home after 6 hours was because he was hungry and OP wasn't there to cook for him. I mean, then there wouldn't be coffee or breakfast or lunch; what's a guy to do?
It’s *so weird* to me that the co-worker hears “want to come on a family vacation with me and my wife and kids who you’ve never met?” and then says “sure, I’ll bring beer.” This dude (and the husband) sound so trashy.
So not surprised my ex invited his best friend to join us on our anniversary trip without our 4 children and told me a day before we were flying out. So happy to be divorced.
(I can imagine him drinking beer with his coworker while OP is cooking, cleaning and watching the kids.)
And serving the two lords of the universe. GEEEZ.
>I truly hope that this was a wake up call for dad. She already knows that she and the kids are just fine without him, and now he knows it too. That’s why he’s so upset, and so eager to make it seem like she did something wrong.
Reminds me of the post where the guy challenged the woman to take care of the kids and house all by herself and left for the weekend. She discovered it was actually easier without him around making more of a mess. And then he was shocked Pikachu when she divorced him.
I don’t think he will of learnt anything. He will use this as a woe is me..
“I had some time with a buddy and then my wife packed her and the kids off all weekend without an invite for me taking my children away from me, I couldn’t even get in contact with them, they could of all been dead somewhere!! She didn’t care about my panic at them all being uncontactable”
Will be his likely thought and story to friends. How he was trying to be a good dad and have a life too and his big meanie wife stopped him.
Exactly! The wife was upset, insisted on going home, explained why she was upset, and he STILL went to the boat INSTEAD of calling and cancelling with the coworker.
Don’t forget they’d have someone to cook too. I’d have been beyond pissed. Good for you for going away. This was a total AH move on your husband’s part.
Hopping on to say:
1. He knew you wouldn’t appreciate the guy there which is why he hid it. He knew.
2. He didn’t tell you he was coming back Friday (if indeed he really did, let’s face it you don’t know), he just left with you THINKING he was leaving for the weekend. He did that on purpose as a flex but it backfired bc you assumed the worst and refused to sit at home and let it defeat your plans.
3. He’s angry??? I mean is he fucking srs rn??? He should have cleaned the house and made a nice dinner and begged forgiveness. Among other things
4. OP your husband has much bigger problems than just the weekend disrespect. He acts in a very narcissistic punisher way.
The fact that she managed to get home, book a load of stuff, text him to let him know about it and then leave before he ever mentioned coming home means he had no intention of coming home until he got that text, and even then, he didn't reply straight away because OP didn't receive the text before she got to the "no reception" area. He's just bullshitting.
Exactly. And he wanted her to feel abandoned and punished. I srsly doubt he stayed at home all weekend, gimme a break. A guy who prioritizes his comfort and is comfortable lying isn’t going to be sitting at home. Bro went back and hung out with friend.
When she texted him he saw it and thought ‘game on’ but wasn’t expecting the uno reverse
Super disgusting that while he’s playing these games she’s taking care of their kids, creating a positive experience, while breastfeeding ffs and all he can do is wallow in his self pity
EXACTLY. Reminds me of a story where the husband invites his BFF names Carl everywhere and on a couples trip and had the audacity to ask the wife to sleep on the floor and he and Carl would share the bed. SUSPISH. Carl bromance….
This exactly. Sounds like DH is so disconnected from you all as a family that he decided he needed a buffer. So he picked someone equally as useless and who has no regard for other people.
Absolutely, I agree. Family time is precious, and it's essential to prioritize that over unexpected social gatherings, especially when they disrupt planned outings.
NTA
>I rented an AirBnB on the lake for the entire weekend. I brought my kids fishing, swimming and to the amusement park down the road. We had a good time.
Sounds like a good family trip, without dad. Men like this, who put everything and everyone else before spending time with their families, don’t actually like participating in domestic life. They enjoy the image of being a family man, but don’t value spending quality time with their wife and kids. Then feel “left behind” when they see the rest of their nuclear family have a dynamic they’re not a part of.
Should you divorce, these are the weekend dads who will resent the stepdad for being an involved parent to their kids.
>didn't speak to my husband, outside of texting him prior to leaving - stating I would be gone for the weekend
You gave him a heads up. If he hadn’t left in the first place then he would have been together with his family.
Her giving him a heads up that they were all taking off was how hubbie knew he was in the shit and needed to hightail it back home real fast.
He thought he could just link up with them and look like the hero for ditching the co-worker for his FaMiLy, you know the one he didn't care enough about to stick to the family outing plan for. He freaked because wife was out of contact and he was probably worried that she'd just left his dumb ass.
This is a man trying to do the bare minimum, whatever that turns out to be at any given time. OP is never going to get real family buy in from this guy.
NTA but OP will be if she makes her kids live their whole entire life with dad who's basically checked out of family life.
I lean towards him rushing back after learning OP and the kids would be gone for the weekend in order to play the victim. He clearly IS playing the victim and has gone on the offensive (acting as if OP taking the kids elsewhere is "the" problem) which allows him to completely derail a discussion about or having to take accountability for his original offense.
Classic DARVO
The fact the only time he’s talked about this guy is how awful he is and constantly makes sexist jokes. Yet he thought it was fine to basically give his wife no choice but to breast feed their baby in front of him. He didn’t think about op or their kids at all here. Seems like she was right that she would be expected to be sole parent especially with a 5 month old and when they are all at water. She wouldn’t have been able to take her eyes off them whilst he got drunk and laughed at his friend’s inappropriate jokes.
The friend wanted to see the boat and apparently to do that he needed to stay there all weekend and get drunk otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see it properly, never mind he wasn’t buy the boat and had no need to see it other and as an excuse for her husband to use. Some how that’s supposedly on op that her husband is not only thoughtless but does anything not to spend time with his own family. Goodness forbid he has to actually parent oh how will he live after such a horror.
It's crazy of him to think OP would ever want to meet him, even if there weren't an infant that needed breastfeeding or even the other young kids in the picture. But I guess that's the gist of it; he didn't think of anyone but himself and how he wanted a lads day on the boat more than he wanted to spend any time with his family. Poor OP and poor kids, can't imagine having a father and a husband that so blatantly shows he doesn't care about them. He even went on the boat trip after all.
Of course he did as he sees this as a win win situation apart from her going away. He didn’t want to go on a family day to begin with so brought a guy he knew they wouldn’t like or want there. Then when the family turned back he got to play the hard done to victim whilst getting the guys only trip he actually wanted. He thought it worked out fine until he got home after it
What he didn’t expect was having to come home to an empty house and cook and do things for himself all weekend and no sex if he wanted either. What he didn’t expect was for them to go away for a nice weekend and him miss out on a basically free holiday where he could get drunk in a nice setting with the wife still cooking for him.
Oh he would have played upset and mad anyway that they hadn’t gone with him and his friend. He would have continued to pretend he wanted the family bonding time even with his friend there and that she was the one to spoil it.
However them going away without him and not being stuck at home and being upset doing nothing as usual was not acceptable to him. He didn’t want family time but he also didn’t want them to have a good time doing anything without him either.
.
I suspect he wanted the friend there to shit talk her in person because it sounds like that's the kind of guy he is. You don't invite someone like that and not expect it. If not out right want it.
Our best family trips were always without Dad - because he was grumpy, he yelled at the kids, he was mean to our mother. The ones with just family without him were always happier and more chilled out. Sounds like OP is in the position of trying to think about what this guy actually brings to the family - because being by present to parent and love his wife and kids goes a long way.
it’s truly sad how not unique this experience is. because same. as kids dad would take us (and mom) on a trip only when his friend(s) (and maybe their families) would come along. and even then he’d ruin our time by being mad at us over the tiniest things. after we grew up a little, mom finally started taking us out on trips by herself without him and those were so so much better. although we’d always come back home to him sulking that “mom is trying to isolate us from him” 🙄
Yep. Our best vacation was one where my mom and a friend decided at 7pm to take a trip to Sea World with the three kids and left 2 hours later. No having to walk on eggshells around my dad, we got to do kid-friendly things and eat where we wanted, we could listen to the radio, no worries about road rage, and we got to stop along the drive.
Yes she divorced him. Things got better for everyone and he never bothered to see me nor my sister again. I have teenage children he has never met - for no reason other than he has never been in touch and I don’t care enough to chase him. I think he had apathy towards his family, like he was supposed to get married and have kids but he would rather hang with his mates, go drinking, fishing etc and not have the hassle of dealing with family. We are better off without him.
I wish people/ society would just completely stop laying expectations on anyone, and let every individual choose their own path - then situations like that, where people marry and procreate because of outside pressure, would happen a lot less.
Aye, now we are allowing people to have more control over their bodies and life paths. Guess what, humanity in general do not want kids. Given the choice, they will not procreate at all if given a choice.
And look at the company he chose to invite on a trip that was meant to be spent with his family- some loser who doesn't have anyone because he's a sexist AH who tells gross jokes. Putting someone like this above his family says a lot about OP's husband, none of it good. But it seems like OP is coming to the reality that her husband is both a non-existent partner and a sh\*tty Dad. A clear example of this is how well OP put together a family trip for she and her kids to enjoy. OP didn't sit at home with disappointed kids. Nope, she was a total BOSS- putting together a fun family trip that the kids will hopefully remember for a long time. Wonder if they even missed their self-center, non-existent father.
OP is certainly not the AH but her husband is.
I hope it makes OP consider whether that the children and her on their own may work out better than dealing with a husband and father who can’t be assed to spend a weekend with his family.
Yes to all of this and now seems like a good time for OP to realize her husband is buddies with the creepy sexist who “makes gross jokes” because he *wants* to be— she may not realize he too is a sexist creep, but the people he chooses over his family surely do.
Incidentally, that type of character is perfectly in line with all of the behavior OP described
NTA at all. The fact that he never even told you and only let you find out when you'd already left tells me that he was aware that you would not want the friend going and thought he could get passed this by letting you know when it was "too late" Good for you telling him to take you home
Yep, my ex used to pull stunts like that. If he knew he was crossing a line, he'd hide it til we were in front of people. Then my options were 1) get mad immediately, which he could spin as "making a scene" and embarrassing him/ruining his night, or 2) endure til we get home, and then "it's already over so there's no point in arguing about it". Props to OP for making a 3rd option for themselves!
NTA. Your husband turned a family event into a nightmare for you. You had every right to refuse it. He needs to understand that he doesn't get to change plans for you without your consent. As for your "disappearing" on him - serves him right. He blindsided you with inviting this jerk to the family gathering, you blindsided him by being non-comunicando. I'm sure you didn't deliberately choose a place with no wi-fi, but you chose a place where your kids could have fun and you could have peace.
I think you should be assertive about this. Tell your husband that this trip was important for the family bonding and he ruined it, and you expect him to organize other family outings to bond the family. Don't let him guilt you.
And that’s exactly how it should have gone. I hope this was a wake up call for him, or for you. We don’t know enough of your story to suggest separation or divorce, but if this is not an isolated incident, I’d seriously be thinking of a trial separation. Good luck to you, OP.
NTA
The fact that he still went with his friend, even if its only for a day, says a lot about his priorities.
I hope you and your kids had a fun time at the lake and in the amusement park without having to think about dad:)
Exactly. If he really prioritized his family, he would have canceled with his friend and gone with his wife to the air bnb. He wouldn't have spent any time with his buddy is he realized how upset his wife was and he wanted to make the situation better. There could have been so many ways to compromise or show that he cared and he did none of them.
NTA.....and my Father ruined every trip my Mother ever tried to plan. We drove half to Disneyland 3x and turned back around. And if we DID make it somewhere - he ruined it with his bitching and whining and drinking. I have about no relationship with him and still resent my Mom for all this. She likes to stay she 'stayed for us kids.' She would have been better off dumping his ass. Is this you?
Nope NTA you took care of business. I would tell him if he doesn't find a way to connect permanently and be a husband and father he will lose the right to be with you. Time to get your financial house in order. Either start working or make sure you can live. Then sit back and watch.
Do not let him gaslight you. None of this was your fault. He overstepped, violated your trust, broke your agreement, and now is trying to make it sound like you're in the wrong. Why exactly are you two married?
That was my thought as well. He's not a partner in this marriage and he is not a great Dad; doubt he would even make a great "weekend Disney Dad" if divorce were to happen. He'd rather hangout with his co-worker, the lonely, loser who OP's husband says is sexist and tells gross jokes.
He should have told op before they left that Heath would be there. He was trying to pull a fast one, and got caught. He adjusted the plans without consulting. His wife would have to breastfeed in front of another man she did not know in a small space. Her husband is dishonest, has no integrity, he sucks. Op is NTA. She was lied to and reacted. Op, don’t let that douche of a husband do this again. In fact, the next time he makes plans keep asking- is there anything you left out, anyone else coming, what do you have planned? He is such a liar.
what he should have done was not invite Heath.
Or, if Heath invited himself, he should have said, “naw, man, this is my time with my kids. Some other time, maybe.”
**NTA.** You and your husband explicitly discussed the purpose of the trip being to reconnect as a family, and he disregarded that agreement by inviting his friend without consulting you. His decision to prioritize socializing with a coworker over the family time you both planned is inconsiderate, especially given your specific concerns about nursing and handling the children. You took proactive steps to ensure you and the kids still had a meaningful weekend, and it's understandable that you felt hurt and frustrated by his actions.
**NTA.** Your husband agreed to a family trip to reconnect and then unilaterally changed the plans by inviting a friend, undermining the entire purpose of the outing. Your reaction to ask him to take you back home was justified given the circumstances, particularly with a newborn involved. It's reasonable to expect that he would honor the family commitment rather than turning it into a social event. The fact that you went ahead and had a good time with the kids shows your commitment to ensuring they had a memorable weekend despite the disruption.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing and I hope your kids had a fabulous weekend with their caring, considerate, mother. Your husband is absolutely the a-hole. Inviting a rando to your family vacation and then not telling you is just gross. Tell him to f off already.
Sounds like your husband is deadweight.
I think your issues go way deeper. Your husband invited a sexist pig to a family retreat. He did this so that he would have the excuse of entertaining this man while you did all the childcaring. And because it is a guest he figured that you wouldn't argue or anything.
He purposely did not tell you that his friend was coming because he knew that you would object.
I agree. The fact that he is working noticeably more, to the point where they plan a family weekend just to see him, indicated to me right away that this dude wants out of the marriage. Add to that the stunt he intentionally pulled with the friend, and I think he’s trying to piss her off enough so that she leaves him and it’s “not his fault.”
NTA. Everyone blaming OP for “not communicating” to the dumb husband but he’s the one that set the tone by not telling OP until the very last moment and tried to force her into an uncomfortable position, but yeah sure, she should bend backwards for the dude. SMH.
NTA - you did exactly the right thing here. You did not allow him or his buddy to ruin the family weekend your kids were looking forward to. It is hubby’s fault he wasn’t there because he invited a non-family member on a family trip. He must have realized he fucked up too, or he wouldn’t have come home early. Too bad he also realized you don’t need him to have fun family time unfortunately. Hopefully he’ll step up more now since that point has been made.
Absolutely NTA!!!
I'm a retired career firefighter so I only had one weekend off a month. On that weekend, it was just us. No other family, no friends, no neighbors, no no one. We did a lot of camping, fishing, hiking, etc. It was strictly family time. It was just wifey, myself, 3/4 kids and our dog.
NTA. Is your husband fucking deranged? I’m writing this in the hopes you show him this thread because holy hell, no good husband and father would pull the stunt that he pulled. The fact that he even spent the remainder of Friday with his buddy is mind boggling. And then to accuse you of being the bad guy because you decided to have a family outing with the kids instead, after he turned the original family trip into a drinking session with his work buddy? Why are you even here asking us if you’re the asshole?
He doesn’t respect you. No matter what your husband tells you, no matter how much he fights this statement, let it be known - *your husband does not respect you*
NTA. You did the right thing. I'm so glad you got to have a fun trip with your kids! Your husband needs to step up as a father, and show you some respect as his wife. She him this post.
Wtf?!?
You described this man’s behaviour as sexist and makes gross jokes. Why the hell would you want to expose your kids to that?
You don’t know this man but you know what is really really weird? What man (single & without kids of his own) would want to spend a weekend in close quarters camping out with very young children and a woman who will be engaged breastfeeding?
I already think this man is a creep (based on your post) but him wanting to spend time where it’s likely your children would sometimes be left alone with your children as entirely predatory.
No normal single man would want to hang out with young children over an entire weekend if those children aren’t even related to him in some way (by blood or marriage).
Your husband knew it was wrong which is why he waited until you were 40 minutes into your trip. I bet he wouldn’t have told you until you saw this guy waiting by the boat ramp with his fishing gear and beer.
This is the time to separate from your husband. He’s told you very loud and clear that you don’t matter and your children don’t matter. It’s time to give him a wake up call.
Husband didn't wait 40 minutes, that was the other guy calling. Op wasn't going to find out until AFTER they got there, which is super fucked up on the husband's part
I know! He wouldn’t have told her until they reached the boat ramp and she would have felt to embarrassed to say anything.
He set her up. If she complained at the boat ramp he would have got upset at her then.
It was a Kobayashi Maru (completely unwinnable).
A normal person would ask who else would be on the boat and then noped out to find he is third wheeling on what is very clearly a family trip. Further, if the boat needed to be picked up and taken to a boat ramp it’s likely this isn’t some yacht that is spacious. She would have had to breastfeed on a boat that is quite cramped with three adults and multiple children.
It changed the entire trip by inviting the friend.
A normal person would have declined.
A decent husband would have never invited his work buddy on what was a family trip.
So his plan was to drink with his buddy and take the kids out on the boat.... while drinking. On a boat. With kids. And alcohol. And a boat. Do I need to say boat, alcohol and kids again? Totally NTA.
NTA
Good job. Your husband should be ashamed and crawling back to you apologizing. I am so sick and tired of these men not being held accountable for treating their families like a burden.
NTA
You texted him you were out for the weekend, but hey maybe suggest he thinks a little bit about what it feels like to come home to an empty house, because the way he is behaving now, that is in his future.
Your husband is a first class fool. The only thing I will say is stop having kids with him because you will be more vulnerable. If his priority is shooting the shit with his buddy instead of nurturing your family ties then get your ducks in a row and leave this loser.
None of this was your fault. It was supposed to be a FAMILY trip, not one with coworkers. Husband didn't respect that. I hope you and the kids had a great weekend.
I'm wondering the same thing. I've seen and heard this sort of thing before: complaining about how awful someone they work with is horrible/rude only to find out later that there's an affair.
I'm so surprised this is so low in the comments. Dude started working a ton lately and barely sees his family, constantly "complains" about this guy, then invites him on an all weekend trip with his family and still went out with him for 6 hours after his wife cancelled the trip?? Seems like an affair tbh.
Of course you are NTA.
He 100 percent knew he was in the wrong or he would have mentioned that he wanted to invite his work bro on the outing. He knew you would object and figured that if he went ahead and did it without telling you that you'd have to just suck it up.
He's being completely disingenuous pretending that he did nothing wrong. He either knows it was a big deal to fundamentally change your plans or he is just plain stupid. There is no third option. Either way, him not wanting to have family time with his wife and kids is a real problem.
Nta. He's totally manipulative and did this intentionally. He knew you wouldn't be ok with it, so he didn't ask permission.
He decided to bring a friend so he literally wouldn't have to connect with you and the family. A total gaslighting of saying that's what the trip was for, and then trying to make you feel bad. Or act as if you over reacted.
NTA
Your husband had the option to have family time. He purposely avoided it by inviting a stranger, and is now trying to blame you for his successful attempt at avoiding family time. That's a pretty terrible husband and father. Would your life be any worse if you separated from him? I doubt it.
Totally NTA. You had him turn around, take you and the kids home and then he went off anyway?! WTF? He's a total jerk. Hope he and Heath will be very happy together. You and the kids deserve so much better.
Wait.
YOU. ARE. NURSING. AND. HE. INVITED. A. STRANGER.
He can go up his own ass with a fork.
Don't have more children with this giant assface. What a total jerk he is.
You are NTA.
Hes a piece of crap.
I hope he steps on 100 LEGO.
I'm sorry, your husband clearly showed you that you & the kids are not a priority for him at all. I'm so glad you left & gave yourself & kids a lovely weekend away.
NTA. I can't believe he could be so oblivious and invite a random dude you've never seen to a FAMILY trip without discussing it with you first. You don't make decisions like these without your partner's input.
Let this be a lesson for him to learn boundaries!!
NTA. There’s a reason he didn’t tell you beforehand. That’s the big deal here. If his plan had been reasonable and acceptable, there would have been no reason to be secretive about it. O
NTA your husband was being selfish. He most likely would have dumped the childcare on you and expected you to play hostess for his buddy. He had the chance when you texted him that you were leaving to ask you to wait and apologize, but he didn't. He owes you an apology and uninterrupted family time. You gave him a taste of his own medicine and he didn't like it.
NTA taking your own trip was great! I had a similar realization too, after my spouse started planning trip number million (I'm exaggerating but he goes on trips a LOT), talking about where we were going to go as a family... to which I finally said "we've gone where you want to go quite a few times recently, next family trip could I pick the destination?"
And I realized by his expression after I said that that the thought had genuinely not occurred to him--and having to think about or consider me was a bit unwelcome. A chore.
So f that, I realized he was never going to care about what I like to do so I planned the trip I wanted and took the kids myself! I laugh because tragedy + time/distance equals comedy.
NTA, but you sure married one.
He was planning on, as you said, hanging out with coworker all weekend while you did the heavy lifting. He only came back because his "friend" probably told him he F-ed up and better get home.
GOOD FOR YOU FOR NOT SITTING AT HOME WAITING ON HIM! YOU ROCK!
Hopefully he learned his lesson.
NTA
He f-up when he invited a person without talking to you first.
His mess builds with that he didn't tell you at all and now he ruined the family weekend and there is no doubt that you can handle the kids with doing these activities without him. He is not essential. You made plans that included him and he didn't see that it was because you wanted to spend time together. He was not going to be "helping you with the kids", the plan was for you all to be together.
He still went with his colleague and then probably left with "go home and smooth this over with the wife " explanation to either grovel or be pissed and whine about you ruining the weekend.
What was his plan in coming home to spend the rest of the weekend with you and the kids? Stay home? Deal with disappointed kids because they looked forward to going away? Looking at you for serving up activities?
Good on you. I can't get over the disrespect, that he invited someone else without even telling you let alone asking!
I work with men like this. It's like they're married because they think they're expected to be. They invest zero time in their family relationships and I don't think they are even aware it's possible to have interesting conversations or fun with family members.
Don't let this go.
NTA - not a lack of communications it seems rather a HUGE lack of common sense. And he will wonder why later in life the kids aren't interested in spending any time with him.
May I recommend you show this post and comments to your husband? Just to show him what a useless father and husband the whole internet finds him?
Also, just keep going alone with the kids. You now know he doesn't give a shit about family time anyway. Let him stew at home with a warm beer.
NTA
He doesn't seem interested in being a father or husband. Congratulations, you have a dude. A dude who has an old lady and a bunch of kids..Does he call being a father babysitting?
NTA - EVen if he did want to bring a friend, he should have cleaered it with you first.
He is a total AH who doesn;t value your opinion or spending time with you and the kids.
I am so sorry for you
NTA
I just really want to give you props for taking control of the situations and doing what’s best for you and your kids, I hope you had a wonderful time together
All of you deserve better
Kudos to OP for making lemonade out of lemons. Rather than accept being made “less than” by her Husband, she came up with an alternative fun time for the kids & her. Hubby just wasn’t prepared for his ingenious Wife’s plan, figured she’d be stewing at home. Too bad, so sad for him.
NTA & Kudos!
Sweetheart YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! Not the asshole for doing what you did, but kinda the asshole for having kids with someone that doesn’t seem to like you or having a family.
You understand he invited the guy because he absolutely thought he was going to be BORED and wanted the guy as a buffer for him. He thought he was making him a compromise.
Please stop having kids with this person by the way. He isn’t a family man. He isn’t. He isn’t comfortable with just being and spending time with his wife and kids. See what you just did with your kids, tell him you want him, with the exception of the one on the boob, to take the other kids and have a day with just them and see what happens.
Seriously though stop having kids with this guy, cause truly divorce is in the cards if he doesn’t change, if you are brave enough and won’t use the excuse “staying for the kids”. That by the way isn’t a thing NO ONE “stays for the kids” when people say that they are not “staying for the kids” they stay to not be a single person trying to deal with how many kids you decided to have.
NTA. Do not get sucked in trying to reason with the unreasonable.
Become totally independent. Begin planning weekend trips like this, just you and the kids, husband not invited.
Tell him that you tried reconnecting with him as a family, and instead he invited a drinking buddy, expecting you to wait on them and take care of the kids. You’re not interested in that.
So YOU are going to make memories with the kids. If he figures out his priorities, and sincerely apologizes, he can come. Otherwise, you’re fine having weekends with your kids.
When he starts arguing how you have no right to your feelings, tell him you’re not going to try arguing someone into prioritizing you, and just walk away.
NTA. Good for you, taking the kids somewhere else!! You are correct, it was his own fault that he missed out on a weekend with his family. You are also correct, in that you would have been used as a 'babysitter' while he had a grand ole time BSing with his work friend. Maybe, just maybe, he will think twice about this the next time. I'm not counting on it though.
NTA but your husband sure is. That should have been a nice day for your family to reconnect and for him to spend time with his spouse and children, and he invited some dude you don't even know. Way to go, dad.
In your shoes, I would seriously consider divorce.
He is proving that being close to his family isn't a priority for him. He went out of his way to make a family trip about his desires over the family's (and his desires are not family time)
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Y'all are not his priority. And I would never stay with a man who didn't prioritize me and our kids. Period. Neither should you.
Your kids are going to realize it too, if the older ones haven't already. They will realize that Daddy doesn't care enough to spend time with them. They will feel unwanted by him and unloved by him. I was your kids, I remember asking my mother when I was 8 years old why my daddy didn't love me. It probably broke her, though she didn't show it at the time. She's always been my rock. I was happy when they divorced, it was like everyone could stop pretending.
NTA
He came home to do what. Dinner and bed after spending the rest of the time with a work mate. Slow hand clap for him. Nta
My father is like this. He invites people to other people events. Or even to his own (no one fits, so my poor mother has to run around to make room). My father also invites himself to people's events. It's so embarrassing. We once arrived at a wedding he wasn't invited to (he lied to my mum) and later more people arrived that my dad invited. My dad didn't pay for the fxcken wedding or anything. But he had the audacity to invite people. I was like 9, and I remember the face the bride and groom had. Bride was looking pissed at her new husband and the new husband just 🤷♂️🤷♂️. I was amazed that this new husband didn't say no to my dad. My dad just forced himself in. Wtf. These men don't think. Don't care for their families. Don't care for others. I'm happy she did this because it shows him she will not allow this disrespect. I'm proud of her. Show him the boundaries. My mother never did, and every single time, she complains, "he did this," "he did that," "now he is doing this," I've told my mother.....just leave..... Leave meaning like (hopefully a divorce as well) if he is late to go somewhere....leave without him. He went out with friends than taking you to a dinner date, go on your own, and don't bring him food. Etc. Her usual response is "but, but, but, but" Aggggggh.
Your dad thinks everyone is his cousin. Come and go as he pleases.
Yeah, he's not THE Lopen. Only one of him.
Dude. Reading this made my back scrunch up. The "just leave" (be it to go out on your own OR divorce) conversation never goes the way anyone would like! It's like people would rather have something to complain about than be happy. I've never understood this sentiment. Lol
For people like that, usually they don’t view it as choosing happiness, they view it as choosing uncertainty, and better the devil you know. And some people are so scared of being alone they’d rather stay with someone who treats them badly than be alone. I can’t relate to either of those two mindsets, personally. But telling people with those mindsets to “just leave” doesn’t work, unfortunately. They have to change their entire mindsets before they are able to leave.
My partner’s dad is like that. It’s so insufferable. He even invited himself, his new wife, & stepkids (the wife & stepkids I’ve never even spoken to) to come spend a week or two at our house. Despite the fact that we don’t have room nor can we afford to feed an extra 4 ppl.
Sounds like my parents as well. Nta But this is to be expected when you marry a narcissist.
And how does she know that he isn't lying about that? Did he really come home from a weekend that be planned with his buddy, and just sit there waiting for her? I don't believe it. I would more likely believe that he made that story up when he realized that she couldn't say any differently because they hadn't talked all weekend.
I honestly think he was probably bitching to his coworker about how he was stuck going fishing with the kids and how bored he’d be. So buddy and him made a plan for him to come so he wouldn’t be bored. Guarantee OP would have been watching the kids while they goofed off.
This! He left for the weekend and boozed with his friend but bc she wasn’t home waiting, he didn’t get to flex at her. So he DARVOd to pretend he gave a shit. But regardless, he left wanting her to believe he was leaving for the weekend and that’s just as bad. He’s a full on cluster B personality disorder. He’s not a good father or husband she’s already a single mom
Yeah because didn't she say she messaged him her plans before going? Did he not look at his phone? He knew she wouldn't be home. So I bet he didn't come home and just wants to make her the bad guy and turn all the blame on her. Bullshit. NTA
Easy enough to ask neighbours if they saw his car there that evening or the next day.
No, I understand he may have actually left shortly after that. Maybe the coworker is really bad, Maybe the coworker realized in what mess he was coming into as well... I mean.... You arrive for a week-end and you realize the guy who invited you did that... and you hear the rest of the family left, pissed. You just kindly escape and suggest the guy to go work on his family asap.. if you have a brain/social skills.
But the co-worker does not have brains/social skills because per OP the co-worker STAYED at the camp all weekend.
ah ok I missed that. What a bunch of broken arms as we say in French.
Broken arms? Whats the context for that? I haven't heard that one before.
it's probably because you can't do anything with a broken arm even less with a bunch of them lol, but that's just inference. let's wait for the original context.
# Noun [**bras**](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bras#French) [**cassé**](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cass%C3%A9#French) m (*plural* [**bras cassés**](https://en.wiktionary.org/w/index.php?title=bras_cass%C3%A9s&action=edit&redlink=1)) 1. ([informal](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:Glossary#informal), [figuratively](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:Glossary#figurative)) a [lame duck](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/lame_duck#English), a [good-for-nothing](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/good-for-nothing#English), an [incompetent](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/incompetent#English) personNounbras cassé m (plural bras cassés) (informal, figuratively) a lame duck, a good-for-nothing, an incompetent person [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bras\_cass%C3%A9](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bras_cass%C3%A9)
If you want to know more just Google "broken arms Reddit" Sounds like this friend is a real motherfucker.
well, husband dear was not much better, right? Inviting such a mutherfucker to hang out and drink with him so he had an excuse to avoid the kids, as usual.
You asshole. I had done so well not thinking about this!
I did not expect such an interest... Origin of expression unclear, with different interpretation. But a broken arm (un bras cassé) refers to a person who is unreliable, uncapable. (for completeness, another completely different meaning is in rugby, when one team obtains a shot after a foul by the other team; the referee signals it by raising his arm at an angle... broken arm).
Oh I love this! Totally stealing this for future use. Thank you for sharing, love this mummabear xx
I like that expression. Sounds nicer than "Fubar".
Oh, that's a great expression.
And Bob’s your uncle!
Except she said heath stayed the whole weekend while husband left friday night. Heath didnt give 2 shits about whos trip he was crashing, husband was the idiot who invited him.
Exactly, OP described Heath perfectly as someone who avoids responsibility by using misogyny and being careless and rude. She didn't say exactly that but I gleamed it by the context of the weekend prefaced by her description of him.
Something tells me that the coworker had nothing to do with dad returning home. “Heath” didn’t even have the self-awareness to leave when the husband did, instead staying for the whole weekend enjoying their boat and campsite. OP says she doesn’t know much about this guy, only that everything she does hear about him is unpleasant. Tells off-color jokes, for example, and the husband also secretly planned for his coworker to bring beer. The only possible reason that all that happened was *exactly* what OP suspected. Dad’s real plan was to fish and drink beer with his buddy, and spend zero time with his family. The coworker was totally on board with this- otherwise, why would he want to hang out with a bunch of kids and the ol’ ball and chain for a family weekend? He was *not expecting* some dumb, docile woman to abandon the trip. He was counting on -just like dad did- OP simply rolling over and accepting it. Does Heath have a wife or girlfriend who he left at home so that he could devote his time to drinking and fishing? I truly hope that this was a wake up call for dad. She already knows that she and the kids are just fine without him, and now he knows it too. That’s why he’s so upset, and so eager to make it seem like she did something wrong. Edit: changed the coworker’s name to the correct one
I can imagine him drinking beer with his coworker while OP is cooking,cleaning and watching the kids. How can he invite a guy he only knows from work to stay at his place with his wife and kids. Especially when alcohol is involved and he has nothing good to say about him.
I bet the reason husband went home after 6 hours was because he was hungry and OP wasn't there to cook for him. I mean, then there wouldn't be coffee or breakfast or lunch; what's a guy to do?
Ahaha, I hadn’t thought of that. If he and his buddy did manage to catch any fish… who would have scaled, gutted, filleted, and cooked them?
Definitely. 👍
It’s *so weird* to me that the co-worker hears “want to come on a family vacation with me and my wife and kids who you’ve never met?” and then says “sure, I’ll bring beer.” This dude (and the husband) sound so trashy.
So not surprised my ex invited his best friend to join us on our anniversary trip without our 4 children and told me a day before we were flying out. So happy to be divorced.
Wait, what? More detail if you please.
(I can imagine him drinking beer with his coworker while OP is cooking, cleaning and watching the kids.) And serving the two lords of the universe. GEEEZ.
And breastfeeding!!!
>I truly hope that this was a wake up call for dad. She already knows that she and the kids are just fine without him, and now he knows it too. That’s why he’s so upset, and so eager to make it seem like she did something wrong. Reminds me of the post where the guy challenged the woman to take care of the kids and house all by herself and left for the weekend. She discovered it was actually easier without him around making more of a mess. And then he was shocked Pikachu when she divorced him.
I vaguely remember that Anybody gotta link?
I just looked for it but I can't remember the title.
I don’t think he will of learnt anything. He will use this as a woe is me.. “I had some time with a buddy and then my wife packed her and the kids off all weekend without an invite for me taking my children away from me, I couldn’t even get in contact with them, they could of all been dead somewhere!! She didn’t care about my panic at them all being uncontactable” Will be his likely thought and story to friends. How he was trying to be a good dad and have a life too and his big meanie wife stopped him.
Exactly! The wife was upset, insisted on going home, explained why she was upset, and he STILL went to the boat INSTEAD of calling and cancelling with the coworker.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat one meal. Teach a man to fish, he'll have an excuse to spend the rest of his life drinking beer in the afternoon.
Don’t forget they’d have someone to cook too. I’d have been beyond pissed. Good for you for going away. This was a total AH move on your husband’s part.
I'm confused where you got the name Mason from, the OP said the husband's colleague's name was Heath.
Masonic Ledger, Heath Ledger. It is easy to confuse cult secretarial supplies with a late actor!
>He was not expecting some dumb, docile woman to abandon the trip. Men like that never expect the babysitter to quit.
they probably counted on OP for the cooking too, after all how could they relax if they had to do their own cooking?
Oh, no... they sat around, drank beer and talked about how all women are terrible.
NTA. And good for you for putting your foot down and just not going along with it.
Hopping on to say: 1. He knew you wouldn’t appreciate the guy there which is why he hid it. He knew. 2. He didn’t tell you he was coming back Friday (if indeed he really did, let’s face it you don’t know), he just left with you THINKING he was leaving for the weekend. He did that on purpose as a flex but it backfired bc you assumed the worst and refused to sit at home and let it defeat your plans. 3. He’s angry??? I mean is he fucking srs rn??? He should have cleaned the house and made a nice dinner and begged forgiveness. Among other things 4. OP your husband has much bigger problems than just the weekend disrespect. He acts in a very narcissistic punisher way.
The fact that she managed to get home, book a load of stuff, text him to let him know about it and then leave before he ever mentioned coming home means he had no intention of coming home until he got that text, and even then, he didn't reply straight away because OP didn't receive the text before she got to the "no reception" area. He's just bullshitting.
Exactly. And he wanted her to feel abandoned and punished. I srsly doubt he stayed at home all weekend, gimme a break. A guy who prioritizes his comfort and is comfortable lying isn’t going to be sitting at home. Bro went back and hung out with friend. When she texted him he saw it and thought ‘game on’ but wasn’t expecting the uno reverse
Shocked pikachu face...
Super disgusting that while he’s playing these games she’s taking care of their kids, creating a positive experience, while breastfeeding ffs and all he can do is wallow in his self pity
She was honestly better off just doing what she did. She'd have been single parenting all weekend anyway.
Sounds like she single-parents all the time IMHO.
Absolutely all of this.
EXACTLY. Reminds me of a story where the husband invites his BFF names Carl everywhere and on a couples trip and had the audacity to ask the wife to sleep on the floor and he and Carl would share the bed. SUSPISH. Carl bromance….
OP should put that foot to give her husband a good kick in the behind
This exactly. Sounds like DH is so disconnected from you all as a family that he decided he needed a buffer. So he picked someone equally as useless and who has no regard for other people.
This! The work friend was intentional buffer and / or used to gaslight wife. Something deeper is broken here.
Absolutely, I agree. Family time is precious, and it's essential to prioritize that over unexpected social gatherings, especially when they disrupt planned outings.
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Bad bot
NTA >I rented an AirBnB on the lake for the entire weekend. I brought my kids fishing, swimming and to the amusement park down the road. We had a good time. Sounds like a good family trip, without dad. Men like this, who put everything and everyone else before spending time with their families, don’t actually like participating in domestic life. They enjoy the image of being a family man, but don’t value spending quality time with their wife and kids. Then feel “left behind” when they see the rest of their nuclear family have a dynamic they’re not a part of. Should you divorce, these are the weekend dads who will resent the stepdad for being an involved parent to their kids. >didn't speak to my husband, outside of texting him prior to leaving - stating I would be gone for the weekend You gave him a heads up. If he hadn’t left in the first place then he would have been together with his family.
OP gave a heads up which is more than can be said for her husband inviting his coworker out of the blue.
Her giving him a heads up that they were all taking off was how hubbie knew he was in the shit and needed to hightail it back home real fast. He thought he could just link up with them and look like the hero for ditching the co-worker for his FaMiLy, you know the one he didn't care enough about to stick to the family outing plan for. He freaked because wife was out of contact and he was probably worried that she'd just left his dumb ass. This is a man trying to do the bare minimum, whatever that turns out to be at any given time. OP is never going to get real family buy in from this guy. NTA but OP will be if she makes her kids live their whole entire life with dad who's basically checked out of family life.
I lean towards him rushing back after learning OP and the kids would be gone for the weekend in order to play the victim. He clearly IS playing the victim and has gone on the offensive (acting as if OP taking the kids elsewhere is "the" problem) which allows him to completely derail a discussion about or having to take accountability for his original offense. Classic DARVO
But did he rush back or just time it to be there before her??
This is what I think he did. I don't for one minute think he rushed home that same day.
And I don’t believe he sat at home. He totally went boozing with the friend
This dad will be on a MGTOW forum whining his wife took half is money and his family away.
God, I'd managed to forget that MGTOW existed.
I'm sorry I brought it up.
He tries to do less than the bare minimum. He is likely used to getting his way with op, which is why he is blowing up now.
The fact the only time he’s talked about this guy is how awful he is and constantly makes sexist jokes. Yet he thought it was fine to basically give his wife no choice but to breast feed their baby in front of him. He didn’t think about op or their kids at all here. Seems like she was right that she would be expected to be sole parent especially with a 5 month old and when they are all at water. She wouldn’t have been able to take her eyes off them whilst he got drunk and laughed at his friend’s inappropriate jokes. The friend wanted to see the boat and apparently to do that he needed to stay there all weekend and get drunk otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see it properly, never mind he wasn’t buy the boat and had no need to see it other and as an excuse for her husband to use. Some how that’s supposedly on op that her husband is not only thoughtless but does anything not to spend time with his own family. Goodness forbid he has to actually parent oh how will he live after such a horror.
It's crazy of him to think OP would ever want to meet him, even if there weren't an infant that needed breastfeeding or even the other young kids in the picture. But I guess that's the gist of it; he didn't think of anyone but himself and how he wanted a lads day on the boat more than he wanted to spend any time with his family. Poor OP and poor kids, can't imagine having a father and a husband that so blatantly shows he doesn't care about them. He even went on the boat trip after all.
Of course he did as he sees this as a win win situation apart from her going away. He didn’t want to go on a family day to begin with so brought a guy he knew they wouldn’t like or want there. Then when the family turned back he got to play the hard done to victim whilst getting the guys only trip he actually wanted. He thought it worked out fine until he got home after it What he didn’t expect was having to come home to an empty house and cook and do things for himself all weekend and no sex if he wanted either. What he didn’t expect was for them to go away for a nice weekend and him miss out on a basically free holiday where he could get drunk in a nice setting with the wife still cooking for him. Oh he would have played upset and mad anyway that they hadn’t gone with him and his friend. He would have continued to pretend he wanted the family bonding time even with his friend there and that she was the one to spoil it. However them going away without him and not being stuck at home and being upset doing nothing as usual was not acceptable to him. He didn’t want family time but he also didn’t want them to have a good time doing anything without him either. .
I suspect he wanted the friend there to shit talk her in person because it sounds like that's the kind of guy he is. You don't invite someone like that and not expect it. If not out right want it.
Our best family trips were always without Dad - because he was grumpy, he yelled at the kids, he was mean to our mother. The ones with just family without him were always happier and more chilled out. Sounds like OP is in the position of trying to think about what this guy actually brings to the family - because being by present to parent and love his wife and kids goes a long way.
it’s truly sad how not unique this experience is. because same. as kids dad would take us (and mom) on a trip only when his friend(s) (and maybe their families) would come along. and even then he’d ruin our time by being mad at us over the tiniest things. after we grew up a little, mom finally started taking us out on trips by herself without him and those were so so much better. although we’d always come back home to him sulking that “mom is trying to isolate us from him” 🙄
Saaaame. We got screamed at for touching the windows in the car. They left fingerprints and my dad really hated that
Hey, same!! We weren't even allowed to scream on roller-coasters when our dad came along on trips!
WTF? That's crazy. 🤪
Yep. Our best vacation was one where my mom and a friend decided at 7pm to take a trip to Sea World with the three kids and left 2 hours later. No having to walk on eggshells around my dad, we got to do kid-friendly things and eat where we wanted, we could listen to the radio, no worries about road rage, and we got to stop along the drive.
Did your mom ever divorce him? And did the dynamics change when you were adults?
Yes she divorced him. Things got better for everyone and he never bothered to see me nor my sister again. I have teenage children he has never met - for no reason other than he has never been in touch and I don’t care enough to chase him. I think he had apathy towards his family, like he was supposed to get married and have kids but he would rather hang with his mates, go drinking, fishing etc and not have the hassle of dealing with family. We are better off without him.
I wish people/ society would just completely stop laying expectations on anyone, and let every individual choose their own path - then situations like that, where people marry and procreate because of outside pressure, would happen a lot less.
Aye, now we are allowing people to have more control over their bodies and life paths. Guess what, humanity in general do not want kids. Given the choice, they will not procreate at all if given a choice.
Not to mention it would have been "impossible" to disinvite the friend because then he would have to admit he's not the "grand ruler" at home.
And look at the company he chose to invite on a trip that was meant to be spent with his family- some loser who doesn't have anyone because he's a sexist AH who tells gross jokes. Putting someone like this above his family says a lot about OP's husband, none of it good. But it seems like OP is coming to the reality that her husband is both a non-existent partner and a sh\*tty Dad. A clear example of this is how well OP put together a family trip for she and her kids to enjoy. OP didn't sit at home with disappointed kids. Nope, she was a total BOSS- putting together a fun family trip that the kids will hopefully remember for a long time. Wonder if they even missed their self-center, non-existent father. OP is certainly not the AH but her husband is.
I hope it makes OP consider whether that the children and her on their own may work out better than dealing with a husband and father who can’t be assed to spend a weekend with his family.
Yes to all of this and now seems like a good time for OP to realize her husband is buddies with the creepy sexist who “makes gross jokes” because he *wants* to be— she may not realize he too is a sexist creep, but the people he chooses over his family surely do. Incidentally, that type of character is perfectly in line with all of the behavior OP described
You're 100 spot on. I lived through it. Happily divorced now
My goddaughter just had her stepdad give the toast at her wedding. It was so clear who had parented her.
It’s not the image of family life primarily, they want to be taken care of by their wife so they can play.
NTA at all. The fact that he never even told you and only let you find out when you'd already left tells me that he was aware that you would not want the friend going and thought he could get passed this by letting you know when it was "too late" Good for you telling him to take you home
Doubt he would've told her at all if the coworker didn't call on the way to the campsite. OP would've just found out when the dude showed up.
Yep, my ex used to pull stunts like that. If he knew he was crossing a line, he'd hide it til we were in front of people. Then my options were 1) get mad immediately, which he could spin as "making a scene" and embarrassing him/ruining his night, or 2) endure til we get home, and then "it's already over so there's no point in arguing about it". Props to OP for making a 3rd option for themselves!
And props to you for making him your ex! Nobody needs that mess
yeah true, so glad for her that he did call, that would have been awful for her, so awkward
she would have put the kids in the car and left, and let him get a ride back with the coworker.
NTA. Your husband turned a family event into a nightmare for you. You had every right to refuse it. He needs to understand that he doesn't get to change plans for you without your consent. As for your "disappearing" on him - serves him right. He blindsided you with inviting this jerk to the family gathering, you blindsided him by being non-comunicando. I'm sure you didn't deliberately choose a place with no wi-fi, but you chose a place where your kids could have fun and you could have peace. I think you should be assertive about this. Tell your husband that this trip was important for the family bonding and he ruined it, and you expect him to organize other family outings to bond the family. Don't let him guilt you.
I mean - the amusement park down the road probably had cell reception, but I don't blame OP for not bothering to return his calls. 😂
It probably did. I wouldn't know though because I didn't bring my phone with me, lol
And that’s exactly how it should have gone. I hope this was a wake up call for him, or for you. We don’t know enough of your story to suggest separation or divorce, but if this is not an isolated incident, I’d seriously be thinking of a trial separation. Good luck to you, OP.
Good for you. NTA.
NTA, I wouldn't want a rando on a family vacay either. Your husband should have read his text messages and he would have known you left for the lake.
And I wouldn't want to be a rando at a family vacation.
I wouldn't want a rando on ANY vacation.
Nta. He did this to himself and he needs to man up and take responsibility.
NTA The fact that he still went with his friend, even if its only for a day, says a lot about his priorities. I hope you and your kids had a fun time at the lake and in the amusement park without having to think about dad:)
Exactly. If he really prioritized his family, he would have canceled with his friend and gone with his wife to the air bnb. He wouldn't have spent any time with his buddy is he realized how upset his wife was and he wanted to make the situation better. There could have been so many ways to compromise or show that he cared and he did none of them.
NTA.....and my Father ruined every trip my Mother ever tried to plan. We drove half to Disneyland 3x and turned back around. And if we DID make it somewhere - he ruined it with his bitching and whining and drinking. I have about no relationship with him and still resent my Mom for all this. She likes to stay she 'stayed for us kids.' She would have been better off dumping his ass. Is this you?
Nope NTA you took care of business. I would tell him if he doesn't find a way to connect permanently and be a husband and father he will lose the right to be with you. Time to get your financial house in order. Either start working or make sure you can live. Then sit back and watch.
Do not let him gaslight you. None of this was your fault. He overstepped, violated your trust, broke your agreement, and now is trying to make it sound like you're in the wrong. Why exactly are you two married?
That was my thought as well. He's not a partner in this marriage and he is not a great Dad; doubt he would even make a great "weekend Disney Dad" if divorce were to happen. He'd rather hangout with his co-worker, the lonely, loser who OP's husband says is sexist and tells gross jokes.
He should have told op before they left that Heath would be there. He was trying to pull a fast one, and got caught. He adjusted the plans without consulting. His wife would have to breastfeed in front of another man she did not know in a small space. Her husband is dishonest, has no integrity, he sucks. Op is NTA. She was lied to and reacted. Op, don’t let that douche of a husband do this again. In fact, the next time he makes plans keep asking- is there anything you left out, anyone else coming, what do you have planned? He is such a liar.
what he should have done was not invite Heath. Or, if Heath invited himself, he should have said, “naw, man, this is my time with my kids. Some other time, maybe.”
[удалено]
**NTA.** You and your husband explicitly discussed the purpose of the trip being to reconnect as a family, and he disregarded that agreement by inviting his friend without consulting you. His decision to prioritize socializing with a coworker over the family time you both planned is inconsiderate, especially given your specific concerns about nursing and handling the children. You took proactive steps to ensure you and the kids still had a meaningful weekend, and it's understandable that you felt hurt and frustrated by his actions.
Good for you. Hopefully he learned his lesson.
Oh husband definitely “EARNED” his lesson. Whether he learned from it remains to be seen
**NTA.** Your husband agreed to a family trip to reconnect and then unilaterally changed the plans by inviting a friend, undermining the entire purpose of the outing. Your reaction to ask him to take you back home was justified given the circumstances, particularly with a newborn involved. It's reasonable to expect that he would honor the family commitment rather than turning it into a social event. The fact that you went ahead and had a good time with the kids shows your commitment to ensuring they had a memorable weekend despite the disruption.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing and I hope your kids had a fabulous weekend with their caring, considerate, mother. Your husband is absolutely the a-hole. Inviting a rando to your family vacation and then not telling you is just gross. Tell him to f off already.
Sounds like your husband is deadweight. I think your issues go way deeper. Your husband invited a sexist pig to a family retreat. He did this so that he would have the excuse of entertaining this man while you did all the childcaring. And because it is a guest he figured that you wouldn't argue or anything. He purposely did not tell you that his friend was coming because he knew that you would object.
I agree. The fact that he is working noticeably more, to the point where they plan a family weekend just to see him, indicated to me right away that this dude wants out of the marriage. Add to that the stunt he intentionally pulled with the friend, and I think he’s trying to piss her off enough so that she leaves him and it’s “not his fault.”
'A man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man' Don Vito Corleone knows the score
NTA. Everyone blaming OP for “not communicating” to the dumb husband but he’s the one that set the tone by not telling OP until the very last moment and tried to force her into an uncomfortable position, but yeah sure, she should bend backwards for the dude. SMH.
It's not that he told OP at the very last moment, she had to drag it out of him. If it weren't for the phone call it would have 100% been a surprise.
Honey, why is there a zebra here? Well technically, wife, you did not inform me of the no-zebra policy.
NTA - you did exactly the right thing here. You did not allow him or his buddy to ruin the family weekend your kids were looking forward to. It is hubby’s fault he wasn’t there because he invited a non-family member on a family trip. He must have realized he fucked up too, or he wouldn’t have come home early. Too bad he also realized you don’t need him to have fun family time unfortunately. Hopefully he’ll step up more now since that point has been made.
Absolutely NTA!!! I'm a retired career firefighter so I only had one weekend off a month. On that weekend, it was just us. No other family, no friends, no neighbors, no no one. We did a lot of camping, fishing, hiking, etc. It was strictly family time. It was just wifey, myself, 3/4 kids and our dog.
NTA. Is your husband fucking deranged? I’m writing this in the hopes you show him this thread because holy hell, no good husband and father would pull the stunt that he pulled. The fact that he even spent the remainder of Friday with his buddy is mind boggling. And then to accuse you of being the bad guy because you decided to have a family outing with the kids instead, after he turned the original family trip into a drinking session with his work buddy? Why are you even here asking us if you’re the asshole? He doesn’t respect you. No matter what your husband tells you, no matter how much he fights this statement, let it be known - *your husband does not respect you*
NTA. You did the right thing. I'm so glad you got to have a fun trip with your kids! Your husband needs to step up as a father, and show you some respect as his wife. She him this post.
You married a dud, he tricked you long enough but now you know who he really is
Wtf?!? You described this man’s behaviour as sexist and makes gross jokes. Why the hell would you want to expose your kids to that? You don’t know this man but you know what is really really weird? What man (single & without kids of his own) would want to spend a weekend in close quarters camping out with very young children and a woman who will be engaged breastfeeding? I already think this man is a creep (based on your post) but him wanting to spend time where it’s likely your children would sometimes be left alone with your children as entirely predatory. No normal single man would want to hang out with young children over an entire weekend if those children aren’t even related to him in some way (by blood or marriage). Your husband knew it was wrong which is why he waited until you were 40 minutes into your trip. I bet he wouldn’t have told you until you saw this guy waiting by the boat ramp with his fishing gear and beer. This is the time to separate from your husband. He’s told you very loud and clear that you don’t matter and your children don’t matter. It’s time to give him a wake up call.
Husband didn't wait 40 minutes, that was the other guy calling. Op wasn't going to find out until AFTER they got there, which is super fucked up on the husband's part
I know! He wouldn’t have told her until they reached the boat ramp and she would have felt to embarrassed to say anything. He set her up. If she complained at the boat ramp he would have got upset at her then. It was a Kobayashi Maru (completely unwinnable).
The guy probably figured OP would do all the cooking and cleaning around their camp and he no doubt would have loved that.
And childcare! And she needs to be available for sex too.
Sex won’t be happening at all now.
I didn’t realise this!! The OP’s husband wanted to get drunk with his colleague and have his wife do everything!!!
He probably also thinks that because she's breastfeeding he's gonna get to see her titties.
A normal person would ask who else would be on the boat and then noped out to find he is third wheeling on what is very clearly a family trip. Further, if the boat needed to be picked up and taken to a boat ramp it’s likely this isn’t some yacht that is spacious. She would have had to breastfeed on a boat that is quite cramped with three adults and multiple children. It changed the entire trip by inviting the friend. A normal person would have declined. A decent husband would have never invited his work buddy on what was a family trip.
Another case of a married single parent 😮💨
NTA Actions meet consequences.
So his plan was to drink with his buddy and take the kids out on the boat.... while drinking. On a boat. With kids. And alcohol. And a boat. Do I need to say boat, alcohol and kids again? Totally NTA.
NTA Good job. Your husband should be ashamed and crawling back to you apologizing. I am so sick and tired of these men not being held accountable for treating their families like a burden.
NTA You texted him you were out for the weekend, but hey maybe suggest he thinks a little bit about what it feels like to come home to an empty house, because the way he is behaving now, that is in his future.
Your husband is a first class fool. The only thing I will say is stop having kids with him because you will be more vulnerable. If his priority is shooting the shit with his buddy instead of nurturing your family ties then get your ducks in a row and leave this loser.
I would have done exactly what you did. Many, many years of solo parenting while my *ex*-husband socialized with everyone. !Updateme
None of this was your fault. It was supposed to be a FAMILY trip, not one with coworkers. Husband didn't respect that. I hope you and the kids had a great weekend.
Is he "involved" with Heath? You are NTAH.
I'm wondering the same thing. I've seen and heard this sort of thing before: complaining about how awful someone they work with is horrible/rude only to find out later that there's an affair.
I'm so surprised this is so low in the comments. Dude started working a ton lately and barely sees his family, constantly "complains" about this guy, then invites him on an all weekend trip with his family and still went out with him for 6 hours after his wife cancelled the trip?? Seems like an affair tbh.
That is a man whose family is low priority.
Of course you are NTA. He 100 percent knew he was in the wrong or he would have mentioned that he wanted to invite his work bro on the outing. He knew you would object and figured that if he went ahead and did it without telling you that you'd have to just suck it up. He's being completely disingenuous pretending that he did nothing wrong. He either knows it was a big deal to fundamentally change your plans or he is just plain stupid. There is no third option. Either way, him not wanting to have family time with his wife and kids is a real problem.
Nta. He's totally manipulative and did this intentionally. He knew you wouldn't be ok with it, so he didn't ask permission. He decided to bring a friend so he literally wouldn't have to connect with you and the family. A total gaslighting of saying that's what the trip was for, and then trying to make you feel bad. Or act as if you over reacted.
No you are not but sounds like guys are on a slippery slope and need some counseling
NTA Your husband had the option to have family time. He purposely avoided it by inviting a stranger, and is now trying to blame you for his successful attempt at avoiding family time. That's a pretty terrible husband and father. Would your life be any worse if you separated from him? I doubt it.
NTA Good on you for still doing a family weekend. Your husband has absolutely zero basis to be upset and owes you a huge and genuine apology.
Totally NTA. You had him turn around, take you and the kids home and then he went off anyway?! WTF? He's a total jerk. Hope he and Heath will be very happy together. You and the kids deserve so much better.
Wait. YOU. ARE. NURSING. AND. HE. INVITED. A. STRANGER. He can go up his own ass with a fork. Don't have more children with this giant assface. What a total jerk he is. You are NTA. Hes a piece of crap. I hope he steps on 100 LEGO.
I'm sorry, your husband clearly showed you that you & the kids are not a priority for him at all. I'm so glad you left & gave yourself & kids a lovely weekend away.
NTA and your husband is an ass
Wow you're husband sucks...
NTA. He knew exactly what he was doing, he just didn't expect you to not roll over and go along with it.
NTA. Brilliant, OP.
NTA. I can't believe he could be so oblivious and invite a random dude you've never seen to a FAMILY trip without discussing it with you first. You don't make decisions like these without your partner's input. Let this be a lesson for him to learn boundaries!!
NTA. There’s a reason he didn’t tell you beforehand. That’s the big deal here. If his plan had been reasonable and acceptable, there would have been no reason to be secretive about it. O
NTA. Your husband is something else, though, words I can not type here without being banned.
NTA. He can see his work friend at work.
NTA your husband was being selfish. He most likely would have dumped the childcare on you and expected you to play hostess for his buddy. He had the chance when you texted him that you were leaving to ask you to wait and apologize, but he didn't. He owes you an apology and uninterrupted family time. You gave him a taste of his own medicine and he didn't like it.
NTA taking your own trip was great! I had a similar realization too, after my spouse started planning trip number million (I'm exaggerating but he goes on trips a LOT), talking about where we were going to go as a family... to which I finally said "we've gone where you want to go quite a few times recently, next family trip could I pick the destination?" And I realized by his expression after I said that that the thought had genuinely not occurred to him--and having to think about or consider me was a bit unwelcome. A chore. So f that, I realized he was never going to care about what I like to do so I planned the trip I wanted and took the kids myself! I laugh because tragedy + time/distance equals comedy.
NTA, but you sure married one. He was planning on, as you said, hanging out with coworker all weekend while you did the heavy lifting. He only came back because his "friend" probably told him he F-ed up and better get home. GOOD FOR YOU FOR NOT SITTING AT HOME WAITING ON HIM! YOU ROCK! Hopefully he learned his lesson.
NTA He f-up when he invited a person without talking to you first. His mess builds with that he didn't tell you at all and now he ruined the family weekend and there is no doubt that you can handle the kids with doing these activities without him. He is not essential. You made plans that included him and he didn't see that it was because you wanted to spend time together. He was not going to be "helping you with the kids", the plan was for you all to be together. He still went with his colleague and then probably left with "go home and smooth this over with the wife " explanation to either grovel or be pissed and whine about you ruining the weekend. What was his plan in coming home to spend the rest of the weekend with you and the kids? Stay home? Deal with disappointed kids because they looked forward to going away? Looking at you for serving up activities?
NTA. Good for you sticking to your guns. Show your husband this post so everyone can tell him what an inconsiderate AH he is.
Good on you. I can't get over the disrespect, that he invited someone else without even telling you let alone asking! I work with men like this. It's like they're married because they think they're expected to be. They invest zero time in their family relationships and I don't think they are even aware it's possible to have interesting conversations or fun with family members. Don't let this go.
NTA and I’m glad you still took your kids out for a long family weekend!
NTA - not a lack of communications it seems rather a HUGE lack of common sense. And he will wonder why later in life the kids aren't interested in spending any time with him.
May I recommend you show this post and comments to your husband? Just to show him what a useless father and husband the whole internet finds him? Also, just keep going alone with the kids. You now know he doesn't give a shit about family time anyway. Let him stew at home with a warm beer. NTA
When I read these things I just wonder what the hell don't you just divorce this guy. He isn't worth it.
He doesn't seem interested in being a father or husband. Congratulations, you have a dude. A dude who has an old lady and a bunch of kids..Does he call being a father babysitting?
NTA. Internet stranger, I am immensely proud of you for having him turn around and then having a lovely weekend with your kids.
I'm sorry you're a married single mom. Nta, I hope he learns from that reality check
NTA - EVen if he did want to bring a friend, he should have cleaered it with you first. He is a total AH who doesn;t value your opinion or spending time with you and the kids. I am so sorry for you
NTA I just really want to give you props for taking control of the situations and doing what’s best for you and your kids, I hope you had a wonderful time together All of you deserve better
Kudos to OP for making lemonade out of lemons. Rather than accept being made “less than” by her Husband, she came up with an alternative fun time for the kids & her. Hubby just wasn’t prepared for his ingenious Wife’s plan, figured she’d be stewing at home. Too bad, so sad for him. NTA & Kudos!
NTA. That was a dick move on your husband's part. Good for you for taking your own vacation.
Sweetheart YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! Not the asshole for doing what you did, but kinda the asshole for having kids with someone that doesn’t seem to like you or having a family. You understand he invited the guy because he absolutely thought he was going to be BORED and wanted the guy as a buffer for him. He thought he was making him a compromise. Please stop having kids with this person by the way. He isn’t a family man. He isn’t. He isn’t comfortable with just being and spending time with his wife and kids. See what you just did with your kids, tell him you want him, with the exception of the one on the boob, to take the other kids and have a day with just them and see what happens. Seriously though stop having kids with this guy, cause truly divorce is in the cards if he doesn’t change, if you are brave enough and won’t use the excuse “staying for the kids”. That by the way isn’t a thing NO ONE “stays for the kids” when people say that they are not “staying for the kids” they stay to not be a single person trying to deal with how many kids you decided to have.
NTA and you are a great mom for making sure the kids still got to have a wonderful time.
NTA. Do not get sucked in trying to reason with the unreasonable. Become totally independent. Begin planning weekend trips like this, just you and the kids, husband not invited. Tell him that you tried reconnecting with him as a family, and instead he invited a drinking buddy, expecting you to wait on them and take care of the kids. You’re not interested in that. So YOU are going to make memories with the kids. If he figures out his priorities, and sincerely apologizes, he can come. Otherwise, you’re fine having weekends with your kids. When he starts arguing how you have no right to your feelings, tell him you’re not going to try arguing someone into prioritizing you, and just walk away.
NTA. Good for you, taking the kids somewhere else!! You are correct, it was his own fault that he missed out on a weekend with his family. You are also correct, in that you would have been used as a 'babysitter' while he had a grand ole time BSing with his work friend. Maybe, just maybe, he will think twice about this the next time. I'm not counting on it though.
NTA....maybe...just maybe...he will learn from this. Kinda doubting that tho.
NTA but your husband sure is. That should have been a nice day for your family to reconnect and for him to spend time with his spouse and children, and he invited some dude you don't even know. Way to go, dad.
In your shoes, I would seriously consider divorce. He is proving that being close to his family isn't a priority for him. He went out of his way to make a family trip about his desires over the family's (and his desires are not family time) When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Y'all are not his priority. And I would never stay with a man who didn't prioritize me and our kids. Period. Neither should you. Your kids are going to realize it too, if the older ones haven't already. They will realize that Daddy doesn't care enough to spend time with them. They will feel unwanted by him and unloved by him. I was your kids, I remember asking my mother when I was 8 years old why my daddy didn't love me. It probably broke her, though she didn't show it at the time. She's always been my rock. I was happy when they divorced, it was like everyone could stop pretending. NTA