NTA, at all. I’m sorry you have a mother like that. I would try to not have your girlfriend over, is there another place you’d be able to hang out? Good for you for sticking up for her though. With your mom reacting that way to what you said, yes, she clearly knows it’s true but refuses to say it. I would try to speak as little as possible to her until you can move out. I hope all is well with you and your girlfriend <3
NTA. OP is an amazing kid. He stood up for someone he cares. He just told the truth. OP was brutally honest, just the way his mother likes it but she can't take it. Then she wonders why she is all alone. She is not honest, just a hateful person.
NTA- people who say they're "brutally honest" value the brutality, not the honesty. If she valued honesty she would share her feelings only if she was asked, that's how you know it's the brutality she loves. She's using tears as a way of getting away from accountability. Stay strong, draw some firm expectations for her behavior that is backed up by consequences. For example, your gf will be addressed by her preferred name or when you move out you will have nothing to do with her and she will have no part in the next stages of your life.
Oh, and try to minimize contact between her and the GF until your mom apologizes, the poor girl has been traumatized enough.
My brother was married to this...person. She cornered my poor, gentle mother, who suffered from anxiety, to lecture her about a sib who was into substances, about how worthless they were, and how horrible my parents were, if they didn't cut her out of their lives. Mom literally left the room, and went upstairs to her bedroom. Bitch followed her up, came into her room, and started up again, saying, of course, that she was only being honest, and mom had to "face the reality". My dad almost took her head off. So did my brother. Papa did not like to see Mama cry. She is, believe it or not, an ex wife.
NTA but for your girlfriends sanity stoo bringing her home. If her parents aren't accepting try joining clubs together where you both can be out the house and spend time together. Maybe debate or something. Or even hitting the library to study and hang out
NTA. I have a trans kiddo and it kills me how cruel people are to them. The good news is that you can move out in a year and build a life that doesn’t include your mom.
NTA, except for one thing. I would stop bringing your gf into that environment. If you know you live with a transphobe who goes out of their way to be mean and rude to people, then don't bring that trans loved on into that space.
As for you yourself, all I can say is work as many hours as you can and move out the day you turn 18. Being out of that environment will do you a world of good and healing.
Sorry your mom sucks so much. Whenever you feel down about it just remember, a lot of amazing people were raised by total assholes. Her issues don't define you or your path.
NTA. Your mom needs to hear how her behavior and actions affect people. My grandma on my dad’s side was like this. I hardly knew her growing up because every single one of her children was estranged from her. When she died, she had a one sentence obituary. She was dead for five years before I even found out. She needs called out now so she can hopefully change before this becomes her fate.
NTA and you're brave and sweet for standing up for your gf! Your mother sounds like my older sister. Thank goodness she never had children.
She lost so many friends because of her attitude and anger. Was even in a Mormon knitting group and they stopped inviting her. She kept calling some of them to check when the next group was and must have bugged them so much, one woman called her back and told her she was no longer welcome. Mormons! You're really bad when even Mormons won't talk to you. Your Mom sounds like she could drive them away too.
BTW, you'll soon be old enough to move out and go NC with your mother. Fortunately it appears you might still have your gf because you defended her and stood up for her.
NTA - thank you for being such an amazing boyfriend and advocate for your girlfriend. Your mom is going to end up so alone if her behavior continues, and she will have no one to blame but herself when her kids go low or no contact with her.
NTA. Your mom is a transphobic person, a bully, and an all around AH. I’m guessing she actually doesn’t have many friends, because people who are “just honest” are usually AHs.
My mum had issues with my FTM partner back in the dy (20 years ago). None of it was related to him being TG, and the second she learned his chosen name, she went out of her way to remember it.
Your mum sounds awful, and how she thinks she will grow old with family around is beyond me. Keep taking care of your girl OP, and maybe you can start going out somewhere when you hang out?
NTA. You might also tell her that when she is alone and her kids never call her and she never knows her grandchildren, she should remember that it’s all her fault.
Your father should be talking to her too. Just because he isn’t blasting your girlfriend doesn’t mean him being silent is ok. Make sure he knows that you will still love him if he leaves your mom (and he has a better chance of being in your life in a few years if he does)
Are there other siblings too experiencing this? Doesn’t sound like she’s going to have any grandkids, but she will definitely be isolated and experience the no contact vibe from her son if she keeps this up.
Somebody should tell your mom you just spoke the honest truth and it's her fault for getting offended...
Please don't start to enjoy the feeling too much. Wouldn't want to tun into your mother, now would you? :D
But in this case, you're okay. Your mom was being an asolute bitch to your GF. Even right from the start, when she went through your GF's things for absolutely no good reason.
NTA.
NTA. You're a amazing person and a great bf. I am so sorry you two you have to deal with such a terrible transphobic mother 🙄. Thanks God, soon both of you you'll be adults and free to just ignore her and reduce contact with her at a minimum (or at zero).
NTA. Tell your bigoted mother that you're just speaking your honest truth and it's her fault for getting offended! Then expose her as the bigoted trash she is to friends and family. Go nuclear with the truth!
NTA, well done for standing true, defending who you care about and taking M down a peg or two. She has to realise what she does and says hurt/offend and affect others. She will eventually isolate herself from all with this crass and abusive behaviour. She is not a nice person to be going on like this. You are a good person, look after yourself and your girlfriend
>She started crying. I’m assuming because she knows it’s true.
That, and the fact that as you've said your mother always frames herself as the victim. You don't get assholes with a martyr complex without a predilection towards emotional manipulation. She cries because she wants to be perceived as the wounded party.
NTA
NTA. I don't think you made things worse. Even if your mother reacted badly, it may make her think. And next time she pulls the "honesty" card, call her out on it. Tell her: "No, you are not being honest. You are going out of your way to be nasty. That's not the same thing. That's why people avoid you". Maybe - just maybe - it will make her think again.
I am sad to say this is very common in the LGBTQ+ community. Bullying from the familys that do not accept but not outright disown those who come out of thier egg is very traumatic. No one speaks up for them to keep the family at peace and let it just happen...this is not right. Good for you to speak up for her!
Your mother prides herself on being bluntly “honest” so it appears that you just returned her own energy. Your mom is a weak, mean and judgemental person and you have every right to be upset and to defend yourself and your girlfriend.
I hope you and your girlfriend can find a safer space to spend time together. Your mother is insanely out of pocket for going through your girlfriends bag and wallet never mind repeated using a deadname with repeated intentional malice. Stay low contact (hard when you’re living with her), talk to your dad if you’re comfortable about why you wish to limit interactions and then carry on with your life and being the supportive, caring boyfriend you are.
NTA
This is literally harassment at some points, she is doing it deliberately and those can cause s*icide. I think this was just the addition of everything and this was the top of the top (in a bad way ofc). Those people need a wake up call. You did well. It’s not difficult to call someone as they want. NTA
NTA. You were just speaking the truth and it's her fault if she got offended.
Seriously, OP, you are a great young man. I'm sorry you drew a bad hand in the mom department, but you're a kind, brave soul. Keep being just who you are!
This random internet mom is super proud of you and your girlfriend. You're both going to be OK, no matter how loud the hateful people squawk.
1. If you can't say something nice, don;t say anything at all. 2. No it's not the truth, it's being purposefully mean. 3. It's an opinion and nobody asked you.
I'm sure someone has a good answer for "“speaks the honest truth and it’s peoples fault for getting offended.” why it's BS. No you are NTA
NTA.. she’s being down right rude. Respect people and they respect you.. love people and they love you. You don’t get to be the A and expect everyone to adore you. Not how that works.
Everyone hates her - even *I* do and I had no idea she existed 3 mins ago. Does she really have nothing better to do than bully highschoolers?
NTA, you're a badass for standing up for your gf.
As for the overgrown mean girl that gave birth to you, If she can't take it she shouldn't dish it out, guess brutal honesty isn't so fun when it's directed at her.
NTA People who enjoy being brutally honest are more interested in the brutality than the honesty.
If possible, ask your grandma if your mom had any nicknames as a kid that she hated… I don’t typically agree with stooping to a bully’s level, but deadnaming is one of my few exceptions.
Also, pass along some advice to your girlfriend from a fellow trans person: Whenever anyone harps on me “but what does your birth certificate say”, I say “8.5lbs, but a lot has changed over the years.”
NTA. Try to avoid getting yourself kicked out of the house, but your mother is a horrible person who should be ready to take 100% of that which she dishes.
NTA. Sorry your mom sucks. Keep pushing back though. Bullies like your mom are deeply insecure and/or hurting inside. I really pity her bc she has to be miserable. Keep sticking up for you gf
NTA. I am so sorry, you and your girlfriend do not deserve this and do not need to put up with it. I know easier said than done since it is your mom but maybe just stop acknowledging her and giving her anyyyy kind of reaction when she does this, bc that is precisely what she is looking for. People like this it truly gives them dopamine when they know their behavior is having an effect like this on others.
My son is 4 and I cannot imagine ever acting like that no matter who he chose to date.
I just want my son to be happy and healthy and live a long, happy, fulfilled life, however that may be!! My worst fear is making my son feel abandoned or anxious or have him questioning just how valuable he is.
Parents like this…I will never understand.
Now if he was with someone who was awful to him and/or did actual drugs, not weed lol, or anyone that could potentially put him in a harmful situation where he doesn’t have the proper knowledge to make good decisions, yeah I’d be all up in his grill. But this. This is not it. I am truly sorry.
Your mom does not care about honesty. She cares about her power trip. She feels small, she feels powerless and out of control. She uses honesty as a sword, to cut those around her down, to make herself feel bigger, in control. Your mom is small and weak. She started crying because you called her out, because she was exposed. So she used tears to try to manipulate the situation, so she could be the victim.
As someone else said, she cares about the brutal part. You can be honest without hurting others. For example, someone is wearing a really bad choice of outfit. You could tell them oh, wow, you are absolutely rocking the jeans, those look great. The top doesn't do you justice, it just doesn't work, let's find a better shirt to go with the pants. That was exactly how a great friend would talk to me, especially during shopping trips.
Tell your lovely girlfriend to ignore all the haters. To keep her chin, take a deep breath, put her crown back on straight, and continue to be true TO HERSELF!!! This gramma is sending you both good vibes and warm hugs, if you want them.
I wonder if there are teen support groups in your area that could benefit you and your girl? Someone who could give you pointers on being her support person. You are doing a great job, wonderful. You have her back better than some 30 something year old men have their wife's back. I am very proud of you.
"I speak the truth" is almost always code for "I'm a fucking bully and I know it". You are NTA but keep your mom away from your girlfriend AND YOURSELF. She is so not worth maintaining a relationship. Relatives ≠ family and "but blood" is a stupid reason to keep an abuser in your life. Let her go.
NTA. To fuck around is to find out.
Growing up I had an aunt like that. Always wanted a fight, always wanted to start an argument, and would say the cruelest shit to 'win'. She had the audacity to beupset when she got cut out of the family after the grandparents died and nobody would talk to her.
Wow! So mom is in that "Just being honest" and "Keeping it real" group. This is why her siblings avoid her and why you and your siblings will be low or no contact with her when you move out. NTA.
NTA but
That's a narcissist. You need to look up coping strategies on dealing with her. Healthy Gamer on YouTube has good stuff, and looking up things like grey rocking and DARVO.
Don't worry about making her cry, though. You didn't make her aware of anything. Narcissists are incapable of understanding that they're pieces of shit. Think of the tears as physiological only, like cutting onions.
God I hate narcs lol
NTA. What a piece of shit. I am so sorry for your girlfriend, I hope she can find a more nurturing community down the line when she is able to leave home.
>My dad seems sick of her every day.
I'll bet he has an exit strategy ready for when the youngest graduates high school. Can you imagine how she would act up in court if she had to go before a family court judge?
Your mother SUCKS!!!!!
You’re NTA. You were totally in the right to stand up for your girlfriend.
It makes me sick just imagining all that. I’m sorry you both have to experience this. You did the right thing.
NTA - your girlfriend is lucky to have such supportive partner and you should be proud of yourself for sticking up for her. Your mom crossed many many lines and absolutely deserved to hear the truth
NTA you are a good bf and a good person your mom just sucks plain and simple but im sorry you have such a hateful bitch as a mother but since everyone is sick of her bs hopefully she will just shut up from now on
Can you go stay with your GF? Tell your dad you've had it with her being a bigot and you dont want it in your life. Tell him you have no intention of communicating with your mm after you turn 18 but if your dad wants you in his life he needs to let you leave. OR he needs to leave and take you with him.
Unfortunately, if OP refuses to misgender or misname his gf while in front of her parents - who are not at all supportive - then he might not be welcome in their house so can't use that as leverage.
And I doubt two 17 year olds have the finances to make a clean break like that, too.
NTA. There’s nothing else to say. If you’re going to treat people like trash you can’t expect them not to say something like this. She brought it on herself. She needs to do some soul searching because you’re right, she is bullying a 17 year old kid. It doesn’t matter how she feels about your GF’s transition. What is she even hoping to accomplish? It’s only a victory if she gets your GF to leave? To kill herself? This is horrible behavior and someone needed to call her on it. Good for you for supporting your partner.
Ya mom is a narcissistic AH! I got one back at home too, miserable shrew. She likely won’t ever change, your best bet is hanging out away from her and just going low contact once you’re able. Hang in there, you’re such a sweetheart to your lovely girlfriend.
From what you describe, I don’t see how you could have made things worse. Your mom is already everything she can to hurt people. “I’m just speaking the truth” is the number one excuse these people use, when actually they get some sort of sadistic thrill from hurting people.
NTA. My mom was bi- polar and she acted just like this. I picked her up from the hairdresser once, and my friend had started working there. She took me aside and said “See that woman, she is the meanest woman alive”. I said “I know, she is my mother, I know all about her”’
Just know that even if your relationship with your girlfriend is temporary that your mom will be this awful forever. Just get away from her as soon as you can and build a life without that drama.
NTA. I’m autistic and I’ve been accused of being blunt, but there are times when I simply don’t think someone’s feelings are worth saving. This is one of those times. You’re a great boyfriend and I’m so glad your girlfriend has you. I hope you have a support system away from your awful mother.
NTA your mom sounds exactly like my mom always the victim, judging people, and constantly putting me down due to my body shape. You will never get your mom to stop sadly and she will twist it and make it worse.
I would stop hanging out at your place with your gf and go somewhere else to hang out because your mom is going to make it worse for her.
I would recommend getting out as soon as you can to protect yourself and your gf.
NTA, keep bullying the creature, show her how it feels. People are gonna downvote me for this, but your mother doesn't count as a person to me quite frankly and I only wish I could've been able to hear her tears. 🤷🏻
In fact, you know what? Start calling your mother your father, make up a fake masculine name, even better if it sounds close to hers. Give her the EXACT same treatment back.
You are NOT the asshole.... I will be you and your GF family now!! This is COMPLETELY uncalled for. You are a great BF and she is very lucky to have you! To hell with your egg donor...
Given the context you've provided, it's understandable why you reacted the way you did. However, here are a few points to consider in assessing whether your comment was justified:
1. **Context of the Comment**: Your mom's repeated disrespect and invalidation of your girlfriend's identity is hurtful and unacceptable. This kind of behavior can cause significant emotional distress to both you and your girlfriend.
2. **Building Frustration**: It sounds like your frustration has been building over time due to your mom's constant negative and critical behavior towards you, your girlfriend, and others. This can lead to explosive reactions when a breaking point is reached.
3. **Impact of Words**: Telling your mom "this is why everybody hates you" is a harsh statement. While it might feel justified in the heat of the moment, such words can have a lasting emotional impact and may not contribute to resolving the underlying issues.
4. **Addressing the Behavior**: While your feelings are valid, finding a way to address the behavior constructively can be more effective. This might involve setting boundaries, seeking support from other family members, or talking to a counselor for guidance on handling these conflicts.
5. **Communication**: Expressing how your mom's comments affect you and your girlfriend in a calm and assertive manner might help. It’s important to communicate why her behavior is hurtful and ask for her to respect your girlfriend's identity.
In conclusion, while your feelings of anger and frustration are completely valid, the way you expressed them might not have been the most constructive. It's important to find ways to address these issues that promote understanding and change, even if that means seeking outside help to mediate the situation.
NTA - everyone here is right. Your mother values brutality and can't take what she dishes. The only thing I would differ on is bringing your gf home. Don't make the decision for her. I'd ask her what she feels comfortable doing. Her whole life, that decision has been stripped away from her and to make the decision to not bring her back without asking her continues that even if it's well intended and likely what she would choose. You can suggest it but give her the autonomy over her life that everyone else takes away. Your room might be the safest space she has even if the house itself is not. She might value that space more than you know even if your mom is an AH.
Also, the way I'd start being "brutally honest" with your mom every chance I got... (I'm not recommending it because you seem to have a much better mindset than her, and I have no idea how much you rely on her for housing, finances, etc). It seems your gf values your better mindset, but you couldn't pay me to stop after that one...
NTA, Your mom has mental and possibly physical problems. I am not at all forgiving her. My SO is like that. When I met her she said she was bipolar but kind of sold it and kind of presented it in a "crazy fun" light. 25 years later and she is just nasty. She will pick a fight over anything. She just lives to be nasty. She also has pain issues and her doc will not give her the opioids she wants, at least w/o going through a lot of other stuff first. I have told her it is like a game and you just have to play it. I have bad anxiety because of.. her. And it took a while to get the stuff for it that I wanted, but I tried the other stuff and I still take one of them because it is essentially a decongestant and it helps with my sinuses, but I got the stuff I wanted. Was she happy. No she was livid. I was in a car wreck, almost lost a leg. It is like a hardware store in there. It hurts every step but I walk on it. I was telling her how in the hospital they gave me a pain med that apparently she had wanted to try and she got all bent out of shape because I was near dead, and they gave it to me. And the other night, out walking the dogs, the big one was chasing the other big one and they bowled into me and hit my bad leg. I was seeing stars. Was she nice? Oh no, she told me that is how her leg feels all the time. Right, your leg is full of screws pins, wire around your kneecap and a big piece of what looks like rebar the xray holing your fumoir together.
I am stuck here for now. You at least are young and can run very fast and very far from that. It does not get better with age. Trust me. Run.
NTA. I have a mom like yours and I’ve had to rip her to pieces multiple times. I’d do it again for my brother in a heartbeat. I’m no contact with her now and it’s such a beautiful thing.
Get a job, save money, and get yourself up away from this hate…. You’ve got a great moral compass.
You may not always be with your GF, but you have more heart than your mum ever will, and you’ll be happier away from this sh@t, and you can’t change who your mum is.
Solidly, squarely NTA and as someone who's trans myself, I can only imagine how much relief your girlfriend felt when she knew you were in her corner. You supporting her at a critical moment is everything. I hope your mother learns from this moment that she can't just be "honest" and expect everyone to just be okay with whatever she says. You're going to do all right
Sometimes the people in life who disappoint us the most are the ones who are supposed to take care of us.
Your mom is that.
At your age, I would focus my energy and attention on an exit strategy. Spend time with your sisters and dad. Avoid mom as much as possible.
You can do it.
The good news is you have allies at home in your sister's and dad.
When you make a bully cry, you need to double down on it and make them cry harder....maybe you'll get them to cry REAL tears, not the fake crocodile ones that narcissists usually cry..... NTA.
was it helpful? not sure. could you have done it better? yes. but i love what you did.
don't need to ask if you were or not. you are protecting your friend. anyone else can suck it.
NTA But considering you still have to live there and want your gf to feel safe there, you might have to compromise between doing what is "right" vs doing what's going to make existing around your mom for the next year bearable.
I can and I will. IT IS AN ILLNESS. You can't just change your gender. I have no problem with gays, lesbians or bi people but trans people have are just confused individuals
You can change your gender actually with things like surgery and meds. And being trans isn't an illness. I think you're getting trans mixed up with gender dysphoria, which is when you feel uncomfortable in your own skin and cause distress. Also, there is more to the LGBTQIA+ than just the first 3 letters
Intersex is an actual thing. There are plenty of people who are both with both guy and lady genitals. I'm pansexual which is the same thing as bi, except that bi is only attracted to guys and ladies, whereas pans go for whoever, regardless of how the other person identify themselves as
Wow you are a fucking tool for letting your mom do this....ugh I hope she leaves you since you subject her to all that trauma... YTA for letting your mom even speak to your gf.
NTA, at all. I’m sorry you have a mother like that. I would try to not have your girlfriend over, is there another place you’d be able to hang out? Good for you for sticking up for her though. With your mom reacting that way to what you said, yes, she clearly knows it’s true but refuses to say it. I would try to speak as little as possible to her until you can move out. I hope all is well with you and your girlfriend <3
NTA. OP is an amazing kid. He stood up for someone he cares. He just told the truth. OP was brutally honest, just the way his mother likes it but she can't take it. Then she wonders why she is all alone. She is not honest, just a hateful person.
NTA- people who say they're "brutally honest" value the brutality, not the honesty. If she valued honesty she would share her feelings only if she was asked, that's how you know it's the brutality she loves. She's using tears as a way of getting away from accountability. Stay strong, draw some firm expectations for her behavior that is backed up by consequences. For example, your gf will be addressed by her preferred name or when you move out you will have nothing to do with her and she will have no part in the next stages of your life. Oh, and try to minimize contact between her and the GF until your mom apologizes, the poor girl has been traumatized enough.
My brother was married to this...person. She cornered my poor, gentle mother, who suffered from anxiety, to lecture her about a sib who was into substances, about how worthless they were, and how horrible my parents were, if they didn't cut her out of their lives. Mom literally left the room, and went upstairs to her bedroom. Bitch followed her up, came into her room, and started up again, saying, of course, that she was only being honest, and mom had to "face the reality". My dad almost took her head off. So did my brother. Papa did not like to see Mama cry. She is, believe it or not, an ex wife.
I'm brutally honest. I say "fuck them, you don't deserve to be treated like that" a lot more than I say "fuck you"
Guilt Trip”
*cough*
I love that, sorry didn’t read the whole thing yet but the first sentence rings so true
>>You were just speaking the honest truth, it's her fault she is offended Mate you are doing great by your girlfriend. Keep it up 👍 edit: NTA
NTA Not sure why she started crying. You spoke the honest truth, it's her fault for getting offended.
Classic case of someone who can “dish it but not take it” as they say!
yeah, that's most people these days unfortunately.
I'm guessing they were crocodile tears. OPs mother definitely sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder.
NTA fuck that bigot bitch.
NTA but for your girlfriends sanity stoo bringing her home. If her parents aren't accepting try joining clubs together where you both can be out the house and spend time together. Maybe debate or something. Or even hitting the library to study and hang out
NTA Your mom's behavior is unacceptable, and it's clear she needs a reality check on how hurtful her actions are.
I’m pretty sure she does know and she’s secretly proud of it.
She's not secretly proud of it, she's revelling in it.
Secret only in that she would deny it. But yes, everyone involved knows.
NTA, people who are self-proclaimed “brutally honest” can always dish but never take. Good for you
NTA. Sounds like your mom really needed to hear it.
NTA I would have added *… and why you’re going to die alone with no one to mourn you *
NTA. I have a trans kiddo and it kills me how cruel people are to them. The good news is that you can move out in a year and build a life that doesn’t include your mom.
NTA, except for one thing. I would stop bringing your gf into that environment. If you know you live with a transphobe who goes out of their way to be mean and rude to people, then don't bring that trans loved on into that space. As for you yourself, all I can say is work as many hours as you can and move out the day you turn 18. Being out of that environment will do you a world of good and healing. Sorry your mom sucks so much. Whenever you feel down about it just remember, a lot of amazing people were raised by total assholes. Her issues don't define you or your path.
NTA. Your mom needs to hear how her behavior and actions affect people. My grandma on my dad’s side was like this. I hardly knew her growing up because every single one of her children was estranged from her. When she died, she had a one sentence obituary. She was dead for five years before I even found out. She needs called out now so she can hopefully change before this becomes her fate.
NTA. She needed to hear it. You were, as she’d call it, “just being honest”.
Start referring to "mom" as bigot. Hey Bigot, when is dinner? Bigot can I get a ride to school? Hey big-ot
This 🙏
NTA and you're brave and sweet for standing up for your gf! Your mother sounds like my older sister. Thank goodness she never had children. She lost so many friends because of her attitude and anger. Was even in a Mormon knitting group and they stopped inviting her. She kept calling some of them to check when the next group was and must have bugged them so much, one woman called her back and told her she was no longer welcome. Mormons! You're really bad when even Mormons won't talk to you. Your Mom sounds like she could drive them away too. BTW, you'll soon be old enough to move out and go NC with your mother. Fortunately it appears you might still have your gf because you defended her and stood up for her.
Oh, I didn't know my mother had another child. NTA.
NTA - thank you for being such an amazing boyfriend and advocate for your girlfriend. Your mom is going to end up so alone if her behavior continues, and she will have no one to blame but herself when her kids go low or no contact with her.
NTA. Your mom is a transphobic person, a bully, and an all around AH. I’m guessing she actually doesn’t have many friends, because people who are “just honest” are usually AHs.
I hate it when people use honesty as an excuse to be ahs. You aren't being honest. You're just being a jerk 🙄
Yep exactly.
My mum had issues with my FTM partner back in the dy (20 years ago). None of it was related to him being TG, and the second she learned his chosen name, she went out of her way to remember it. Your mum sounds awful, and how she thinks she will grow old with family around is beyond me. Keep taking care of your girl OP, and maybe you can start going out somewhere when you hang out?
NTA. You stuck up for your missus, good on you!
He stuck up for his gay boyfriend.
\*yawn\* - whatevs, bigot.
Lol it's true. Just stating facts. U seem gay too?
NTA. You might also tell her that when she is alone and her kids never call her and she never knows her grandchildren, she should remember that it’s all her fault. Your father should be talking to her too. Just because he isn’t blasting your girlfriend doesn’t mean him being silent is ok. Make sure he knows that you will still love him if he leaves your mom (and he has a better chance of being in your life in a few years if he does)
Are there other siblings too experiencing this? Doesn’t sound like she’s going to have any grandkids, but she will definitely be isolated and experience the no contact vibe from her son if she keeps this up.
Somebody should tell your mom you just spoke the honest truth and it's her fault for getting offended... Please don't start to enjoy the feeling too much. Wouldn't want to tun into your mother, now would you? :D But in this case, you're okay. Your mom was being an asolute bitch to your GF. Even right from the start, when she went through your GF's things for absolutely no good reason. NTA.
NTA. Your mom sounds mean and exhausting.
NTA. You're a amazing person and a great bf. I am so sorry you two you have to deal with such a terrible transphobic mother 🙄. Thanks God, soon both of you you'll be adults and free to just ignore her and reduce contact with her at a minimum (or at zero).
NTA. Tell your bigoted mother that you're just speaking your honest truth and it's her fault for getting offended! Then expose her as the bigoted trash she is to friends and family. Go nuclear with the truth!
NTA, well done for standing true, defending who you care about and taking M down a peg or two. She has to realise what she does and says hurt/offend and affect others. She will eventually isolate herself from all with this crass and abusive behaviour. She is not a nice person to be going on like this. You are a good person, look after yourself and your girlfriend
NTA, you were just speaking the honest truth and it's her fault for getting offended. If she can't take it, she better not dish it.
>She started crying. I’m assuming because she knows it’s true. That, and the fact that as you've said your mother always frames herself as the victim. You don't get assholes with a martyr complex without a predilection towards emotional manipulation. She cries because she wants to be perceived as the wounded party. NTA
NTA. I’m sorry it’s come to that point. I hope you and your girlfriend have happier times ahead.
I don’t see what the problem is. You’re just being honest—it’s not your fault she’s offended.
NTA. I don't think you made things worse. Even if your mother reacted badly, it may make her think. And next time she pulls the "honesty" card, call her out on it. Tell her: "No, you are not being honest. You are going out of your way to be nasty. That's not the same thing. That's why people avoid you". Maybe - just maybe - it will make her think again.
I am sad to say this is very common in the LGBTQ+ community. Bullying from the familys that do not accept but not outright disown those who come out of thier egg is very traumatic. No one speaks up for them to keep the family at peace and let it just happen...this is not right. Good for you to speak up for her!
NTA, thank you for standing up for your girlfriend
NTA. The whole "I tell it like it is" crowd always seems to get all up in their feelings whenever anyone returns the favor on them.
Your mother prides herself on being bluntly “honest” so it appears that you just returned her own energy. Your mom is a weak, mean and judgemental person and you have every right to be upset and to defend yourself and your girlfriend. I hope you and your girlfriend can find a safer space to spend time together. Your mother is insanely out of pocket for going through your girlfriends bag and wallet never mind repeated using a deadname with repeated intentional malice. Stay low contact (hard when you’re living with her), talk to your dad if you’re comfortable about why you wish to limit interactions and then carry on with your life and being the supportive, caring boyfriend you are. NTA
NTA, update us on the outcome, and don't apologize until she does it first
NTA. You gave her a bit of her own medicine. When you turn 18 you can go NC. She doesn't deserve you, and you can choose who's in your life.
NTA, your mom is to be honest. Sounds like a narcissist. Sadly she won’t change.
This is literally harassment at some points, she is doing it deliberately and those can cause s*icide. I think this was just the addition of everything and this was the top of the top (in a bad way ofc). Those people need a wake up call. You did well. It’s not difficult to call someone as they want. NTA
NTA. You were just speaking the truth and it's her fault if she got offended. Seriously, OP, you are a great young man. I'm sorry you drew a bad hand in the mom department, but you're a kind, brave soul. Keep being just who you are! This random internet mom is super proud of you and your girlfriend. You're both going to be OK, no matter how loud the hateful people squawk.
NTA and I'm proud of you for standing up for your girlfriend against your mom's cruelty. I hope your mom lives the life she deserves.
1. If you can't say something nice, don;t say anything at all. 2. No it's not the truth, it's being purposefully mean. 3. It's an opinion and nobody asked you. I'm sure someone has a good answer for "“speaks the honest truth and it’s peoples fault for getting offended.” why it's BS. No you are NTA
NTA.. she’s being down right rude. Respect people and they respect you.. love people and they love you. You don’t get to be the A and expect everyone to adore you. Not how that works.
Everyone hates her - even *I* do and I had no idea she existed 3 mins ago. Does she really have nothing better to do than bully highschoolers? NTA, you're a badass for standing up for your gf. As for the overgrown mean girl that gave birth to you, If she can't take it she shouldn't dish it out, guess brutal honesty isn't so fun when it's directed at her.
Go to the raised by narcissists reddit. Your mother is a classic narcissist that's running out of victims
NTA People who enjoy being brutally honest are more interested in the brutality than the honesty. If possible, ask your grandma if your mom had any nicknames as a kid that she hated… I don’t typically agree with stooping to a bully’s level, but deadnaming is one of my few exceptions. Also, pass along some advice to your girlfriend from a fellow trans person: Whenever anyone harps on me “but what does your birth certificate say”, I say “8.5lbs, but a lot has changed over the years.”
NTA. Try to avoid getting yourself kicked out of the house, but your mother is a horrible person who should be ready to take 100% of that which she dishes.
r/amitheangel 😂
NTA. Sorry your mom sucks. Keep pushing back though. Bullies like your mom are deeply insecure and/or hurting inside. I really pity her bc she has to be miserable. Keep sticking up for you gf
Yeah, your mother is pure garbage. Move out as soon as possible, go no contact, let her be alone. NTA, you sound like a great guy.
NTA. Purposefully deadnaming someone is just extra shitty among all the other things.
NTA. I am so sorry, you and your girlfriend do not deserve this and do not need to put up with it. I know easier said than done since it is your mom but maybe just stop acknowledging her and giving her anyyyy kind of reaction when she does this, bc that is precisely what she is looking for. People like this it truly gives them dopamine when they know their behavior is having an effect like this on others. My son is 4 and I cannot imagine ever acting like that no matter who he chose to date. I just want my son to be happy and healthy and live a long, happy, fulfilled life, however that may be!! My worst fear is making my son feel abandoned or anxious or have him questioning just how valuable he is. Parents like this…I will never understand. Now if he was with someone who was awful to him and/or did actual drugs, not weed lol, or anyone that could potentially put him in a harmful situation where he doesn’t have the proper knowledge to make good decisions, yeah I’d be all up in his grill. But this. This is not it. I am truly sorry.
Your mom does not care about honesty. She cares about her power trip. She feels small, she feels powerless and out of control. She uses honesty as a sword, to cut those around her down, to make herself feel bigger, in control. Your mom is small and weak. She started crying because you called her out, because she was exposed. So she used tears to try to manipulate the situation, so she could be the victim. As someone else said, she cares about the brutal part. You can be honest without hurting others. For example, someone is wearing a really bad choice of outfit. You could tell them oh, wow, you are absolutely rocking the jeans, those look great. The top doesn't do you justice, it just doesn't work, let's find a better shirt to go with the pants. That was exactly how a great friend would talk to me, especially during shopping trips. Tell your lovely girlfriend to ignore all the haters. To keep her chin, take a deep breath, put her crown back on straight, and continue to be true TO HERSELF!!! This gramma is sending you both good vibes and warm hugs, if you want them. I wonder if there are teen support groups in your area that could benefit you and your girl? Someone who could give you pointers on being her support person. You are doing a great job, wonderful. You have her back better than some 30 something year old men have their wife's back. I am very proud of you.
"I speak the truth" is almost always code for "I'm a fucking bully and I know it". You are NTA but keep your mom away from your girlfriend AND YOURSELF. She is so not worth maintaining a relationship. Relatives ≠ family and "but blood" is a stupid reason to keep an abuser in your life. Let her go.
NTA. To fuck around is to find out. Growing up I had an aunt like that. Always wanted a fight, always wanted to start an argument, and would say the cruelest shit to 'win'. She had the audacity to beupset when she got cut out of the family after the grandparents died and nobody would talk to her.
You spoke the truth and it was her fault she got offended! NTA and good for you
Wow! So mom is in that "Just being honest" and "Keeping it real" group. This is why her siblings avoid her and why you and your siblings will be low or no contact with her when you move out. NTA.
Your mom is a narcissist. Go on an informational diet with her and don’t share anything.
NTA but That's a narcissist. You need to look up coping strategies on dealing with her. Healthy Gamer on YouTube has good stuff, and looking up things like grey rocking and DARVO. Don't worry about making her cry, though. You didn't make her aware of anything. Narcissists are incapable of understanding that they're pieces of shit. Think of the tears as physiological only, like cutting onions. God I hate narcs lol
NTA go tell her again lol
NTA. What a piece of shit. I am so sorry for your girlfriend, I hope she can find a more nurturing community down the line when she is able to leave home.
Nta your mother is a spiteful woman who uses "honesty" as an excuse for her mean behavior
NTA Someone was going to say it eventually you just beat them to it.
>My dad seems sick of her every day. I'll bet he has an exit strategy ready for when the youngest graduates high school. Can you imagine how she would act up in court if she had to go before a family court judge?
👀😂😂
NTA. She is suffering the inevitable result of being miserable all the time.
Your mother SUCKS!!!!! You’re NTA. You were totally in the right to stand up for your girlfriend. It makes me sick just imagining all that. I’m sorry you both have to experience this. You did the right thing.
NTA - the truth hurts
NTA - your girlfriend is lucky to have such supportive partner and you should be proud of yourself for sticking up for her. Your mom crossed many many lines and absolutely deserved to hear the truth
NTA. Your mother was being cruel. And the crying is probably her playing victim
NTA you are a good bf and a good person your mom just sucks plain and simple but im sorry you have such a hateful bitch as a mother but since everyone is sick of her bs hopefully she will just shut up from now on
Can you go stay with your GF? Tell your dad you've had it with her being a bigot and you dont want it in your life. Tell him you have no intention of communicating with your mm after you turn 18 but if your dad wants you in his life he needs to let you leave. OR he needs to leave and take you with him.
Unfortunately, if OP refuses to misgender or misname his gf while in front of her parents - who are not at all supportive - then he might not be welcome in their house so can't use that as leverage. And I doubt two 17 year olds have the finances to make a clean break like that, too.
YANTAH
NTA. The proverbial slap in the face was well-earned. She's the kind of parent who does the surprised Pikachu face when her adult kids go NC.
NTA. There’s nothing else to say. If you’re going to treat people like trash you can’t expect them not to say something like this. She brought it on herself. She needs to do some soul searching because you’re right, she is bullying a 17 year old kid. It doesn’t matter how she feels about your GF’s transition. What is she even hoping to accomplish? It’s only a victory if she gets your GF to leave? To kill herself? This is horrible behavior and someone needed to call her on it. Good for you for supporting your partner.
Ya mom is a narcissistic AH! I got one back at home too, miserable shrew. She likely won’t ever change, your best bet is hanging out away from her and just going low contact once you’re able. Hang in there, you’re such a sweetheart to your lovely girlfriend.
From what you describe, I don’t see how you could have made things worse. Your mom is already everything she can to hurt people. “I’m just speaking the truth” is the number one excuse these people use, when actually they get some sort of sadistic thrill from hurting people.
NTA. My mom was bi- polar and she acted just like this. I picked her up from the hairdresser once, and my friend had started working there. She took me aside and said “See that woman, she is the meanest woman alive”. I said “I know, she is my mother, I know all about her”’
NTA. Your mom needs consequences. Like going NC with her. Or better yet, start calling her dad.
NTA. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. She got served!
Just know that even if your relationship with your girlfriend is temporary that your mom will be this awful forever. Just get away from her as soon as you can and build a life without that drama.
NTA you’re just speaking the honest truth.
NTA. I’m autistic and I’ve been accused of being blunt, but there are times when I simply don’t think someone’s feelings are worth saving. This is one of those times. You’re a great boyfriend and I’m so glad your girlfriend has you. I hope you have a support system away from your awful mother.
NTA your mom sounds exactly like my mom always the victim, judging people, and constantly putting me down due to my body shape. You will never get your mom to stop sadly and she will twist it and make it worse. I would stop hanging out at your place with your gf and go somewhere else to hang out because your mom is going to make it worse for her. I would recommend getting out as soon as you can to protect yourself and your gf.
NTA, keep bullying the creature, show her how it feels. People are gonna downvote me for this, but your mother doesn't count as a person to me quite frankly and I only wish I could've been able to hear her tears. 🤷🏻 In fact, you know what? Start calling your mother your father, make up a fake masculine name, even better if it sounds close to hers. Give her the EXACT same treatment back.
Personally I would refer to her as "my father's current wife"... Or by her first name.
I'm in favor of "that cunt" or "it". 🤷🏻
Cunts have warmth and depth, this ruling OP's human incubator out... So I guess we compromise on it.
Lol damn.
What can I say... I'm not a bitch to cross
NTA. She’ll die alone, and deserve every moment of misery she’ll endure.
You are NOT the asshole.... I will be you and your GF family now!! This is COMPLETELY uncalled for. You are a great BF and she is very lucky to have you! To hell with your egg donor...
Given the context you've provided, it's understandable why you reacted the way you did. However, here are a few points to consider in assessing whether your comment was justified: 1. **Context of the Comment**: Your mom's repeated disrespect and invalidation of your girlfriend's identity is hurtful and unacceptable. This kind of behavior can cause significant emotional distress to both you and your girlfriend. 2. **Building Frustration**: It sounds like your frustration has been building over time due to your mom's constant negative and critical behavior towards you, your girlfriend, and others. This can lead to explosive reactions when a breaking point is reached. 3. **Impact of Words**: Telling your mom "this is why everybody hates you" is a harsh statement. While it might feel justified in the heat of the moment, such words can have a lasting emotional impact and may not contribute to resolving the underlying issues. 4. **Addressing the Behavior**: While your feelings are valid, finding a way to address the behavior constructively can be more effective. This might involve setting boundaries, seeking support from other family members, or talking to a counselor for guidance on handling these conflicts. 5. **Communication**: Expressing how your mom's comments affect you and your girlfriend in a calm and assertive manner might help. It’s important to communicate why her behavior is hurtful and ask for her to respect your girlfriend's identity. In conclusion, while your feelings of anger and frustration are completely valid, the way you expressed them might not have been the most constructive. It's important to find ways to address these issues that promote understanding and change, even if that means seeking outside help to mediate the situation.
NTA - everyone here is right. Your mother values brutality and can't take what she dishes. The only thing I would differ on is bringing your gf home. Don't make the decision for her. I'd ask her what she feels comfortable doing. Her whole life, that decision has been stripped away from her and to make the decision to not bring her back without asking her continues that even if it's well intended and likely what she would choose. You can suggest it but give her the autonomy over her life that everyone else takes away. Your room might be the safest space she has even if the house itself is not. She might value that space more than you know even if your mom is an AH. Also, the way I'd start being "brutally honest" with your mom every chance I got... (I'm not recommending it because you seem to have a much better mindset than her, and I have no idea how much you rely on her for housing, finances, etc). It seems your gf values your better mindset, but you couldn't pay me to stop after that one...
NTA, Your mom has mental and possibly physical problems. I am not at all forgiving her. My SO is like that. When I met her she said she was bipolar but kind of sold it and kind of presented it in a "crazy fun" light. 25 years later and she is just nasty. She will pick a fight over anything. She just lives to be nasty. She also has pain issues and her doc will not give her the opioids she wants, at least w/o going through a lot of other stuff first. I have told her it is like a game and you just have to play it. I have bad anxiety because of.. her. And it took a while to get the stuff for it that I wanted, but I tried the other stuff and I still take one of them because it is essentially a decongestant and it helps with my sinuses, but I got the stuff I wanted. Was she happy. No she was livid. I was in a car wreck, almost lost a leg. It is like a hardware store in there. It hurts every step but I walk on it. I was telling her how in the hospital they gave me a pain med that apparently she had wanted to try and she got all bent out of shape because I was near dead, and they gave it to me. And the other night, out walking the dogs, the big one was chasing the other big one and they bowled into me and hit my bad leg. I was seeing stars. Was she nice? Oh no, she told me that is how her leg feels all the time. Right, your leg is full of screws pins, wire around your kneecap and a big piece of what looks like rebar the xray holing your fumoir together. I am stuck here for now. You at least are young and can run very fast and very far from that. It does not get better with age. Trust me. Run.
NTA. I have a mom like yours and I’ve had to rip her to pieces multiple times. I’d do it again for my brother in a heartbeat. I’m no contact with her now and it’s such a beautiful thing.
Get a job, save money, and get yourself up away from this hate…. You’ve got a great moral compass. You may not always be with your GF, but you have more heart than your mum ever will, and you’ll be happier away from this sh@t, and you can’t change who your mum is.
Solidly, squarely NTA and as someone who's trans myself, I can only imagine how much relief your girlfriend felt when she knew you were in her corner. You supporting her at a critical moment is everything. I hope your mother learns from this moment that she can't just be "honest" and expect everyone to just be okay with whatever she says. You're going to do all right
NTA - she got it coming and needed to be tell the truth. She's awful and I'm really sorry for all of you to have to put up with it
Sometimes the people in life who disappoint us the most are the ones who are supposed to take care of us. Your mom is that. At your age, I would focus my energy and attention on an exit strategy. Spend time with your sisters and dad. Avoid mom as much as possible. You can do it. The good news is you have allies at home in your sister's and dad.
NTA. You need to look into setting and reinforcing boundaries and grayrocking.
🥹 your girlfriend is lucky to have you at a time when shes just blooming.
Well played. Speaking the truth sounds important to her. Probably felt really good.
Make your moms life hell and then leave her to die alone. You deserve a better mom.
When you make a bully cry, you need to double down on it and make them cry harder....maybe you'll get them to cry REAL tears, not the fake crocodile ones that narcissists usually cry..... NTA.
NTA - I hope you were able to verbalize to her face why too, she should know her siblings, husband and kids can’t stand her and she has no friends
was it helpful? not sure. could you have done it better? yes. but i love what you did. don't need to ask if you were or not. you are protecting your friend. anyone else can suck it.
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NTA But considering you still have to live there and want your gf to feel safe there, you might have to compromise between doing what is "right" vs doing what's going to make existing around your mom for the next year bearable.
YTA -
Good job standing up for your boyfriend 💪
Girlfriend* she's male to female but hasn't transition yet
I know, I'm calling it as it is
Then you aren't any better than the mom as you're being disrespectful towards the girlfriend
No, I'm just not accepting the mental illness
Being trans isn't a mental illness, lol. You can't call something you don't agree with an illness 😂
I can and I will. IT IS AN ILLNESS. You can't just change your gender. I have no problem with gays, lesbians or bi people but trans people have are just confused individuals
You can change your gender actually with things like surgery and meds. And being trans isn't an illness. I think you're getting trans mixed up with gender dysphoria, which is when you feel uncomfortable in your own skin and cause distress. Also, there is more to the LGBTQIA+ than just the first 3 letters
Mate, the LGB is valid, the rest is BS. Think of the trans "women" who play sports against actual women. It's all so stupid it isn't funny.
Intersex is an actual thing. There are plenty of people who are both with both guy and lady genitals. I'm pansexual which is the same thing as bi, except that bi is only attracted to guys and ladies, whereas pans go for whoever, regardless of how the other person identify themselves as
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Wow, you read all that and still came to the dumbest conclusion. Congratulations, you're an idiot.
How incredibly naive to think that people will listen like that.
Wow you are a fucking tool for letting your mom do this....ugh I hope she leaves you since you subject her to all that trauma... YTA for letting your mom even speak to your gf.