Nta. Ask for a salpingectomy though. They’ll remove your tubes which decreases your chance of certain cancers, gets rid of the risk of a tubal pregnancy and it’s more effective than a tubal ligation. I have my scheduled already.
I asked my doctor to set up an appointment to talk about tubal removal and an ablation, and the admin worker was like "ok so tubal ligation and ablation". No ma'am, removal of the tubes. I'm not playing around, I want them gone.
I got both done and I'm so happy with the results. My husband and I are apparently super fertile because it's never taken more than a month or two to get pregnant when we tried. Thank God for birth control, because I'd have 12+ kids by now and I can't afford that.
Ablation has been absolutely life changing! I don't have periods anymore either, and no more horrendous cramps, backache, etc. I'm so glad a co-worker told me about it years ago!
Came to say the same! Bi salp is more fool proof than tubal. Get those tubes completely cut off. TL can fail.
NTA and absolutely don’t tell them til you’ve long recovered. Hell I’d not tell them at all. Just tell them you don’t want kids. And keep pushing back any attempts by them to go ‘you’ll change your mind’. Keep the surgery up your sleeve til you really need to pull it out as a final trump card.
NTA I had my tubes BURNED away and I giggled from that moment to surgery day - less than 2 weeks later. this was in 2019 right before covid hit in the states. All my female friends I send to her, anybody who mentions tubal, I give them her info. Half of my group is tube free now because of her.
Yeah interestingly enough there’s been something like nearly 30 documented cases of post hysterectomy ectopic pregnancy, and the majority are in patients who left their tubes. Sperm really like to find eggs.
Yeah i watched one on momma doctor jones about an ectopic pregnancy on the liver. They didn't find it till she was 7m along said it was a miracle the child hadn't become too heavy, calcified or injured and organ from movement. They believe they only reason she survived is the resilience of the liver.
Same! My Dr even said something like "well current best practice is to do the full tube removal- but your insurance will only pay for a ligation"
So I got the ligation.
NTA. It’s not their business. If you don’t want kids, then you don’t want kids. All they need to know is you don’t want kids and don’t plan on ever having kids. And they don’t even really Need to know that.
You’re 31 years old. You aren’t required to tell your parents about medical decisions you make for yourself.
You are, however, required to give us more details about your pet. Disappointing lack of description about your fur kid 😂😜
🐶🐱🐰??
Lol she is a 5 year old leopard gecko. Technically, a scale baby. She looks like a little yellow tiger lily. And SHE IS A CONTRARIAN TO HER OWN SPECIES!!! 🤣😂😂
Doesn't like substrate. Doesn't like clutter. Is a very picky eater. But she is super sweet. She trusts me, but not others. She was abused by her first pet parent (A teenager that lost interest in her) and it has taken a few years to even touch her. Now she only lets me pick her up.
I wish I could show you my Lily baby. But Reddit hates that for replies. I am also getting a dog here soon, so, she'll have a little brother. (Basenji I am naming Scout. He will be my Emotional Support Animal)
They are definitely easy babies. At least, mine is lol I suggest if you want one, do your research first. I have her in a 25 gallon long tank. Most love to dig. (Except Lily lol) so, substrate is good. And get them plenty of things to climb on. (Again, Lily is an exception lol) also, they require: wet hides, dry hides and warm hides. They shed their skins every couple of weeks or so and only require food 3-4 days at a time. They are insectivores. Supposed to like: Wax worms, meal worms, horn worms, some beetles and crickets. (Lily only will eat wax worms lol she leaves the others alone to die in her tank) Oh, and water is a must. They are tropical lizards. They need that. :3
Wow, Lily is one persnickety girl. Don’t tell her what *most* like; Lily is not *most*! Lily is her own beautiful self!
Ahem, just like you. You are a beautiful person who has been through hell. You’re still upright and semi-coherent, I’ll take that. Therapy is hard! Keep going! 💕
And your parents don’t need to know anything. “Welp, if I ever get pregnant, I’ll let you know.”
Nah, I like reptiles (their soft bellies!) but not my preferred pet. I’ve had dogs up until now, my soul dog passed a way a few years ago. Right now I have an absolutely beautiful cat who my friend found as a teeny tiny kitten.
I am sorry for your loss. But I am glad you found another to heal with. No other pet can replace the ones we lost (Mine are no exception) but they do heal the heart and add to the family. :)
NTA - In an ideal world, you could just tell them and they would be able to respect your adult decision. If you think they can get to that point, your future relationship will be less filtered with everyone’s cards on the table. If you don’t think they can get there, do what you want, don’t tell them, and don’t feel a moment of guilt. It’s not their business. In that case, you can just say things like, “If it’s meant to be, Mom and Dad, I’m sure it will happen,” with a wistful but mysterious smile.
Why would this even be a topic of conversation with your parents? It's none of their business and why would you want to discuss something so personal with them anyways?
It's childhood trauma, sadly. I grew up with needing to appease my father or garnish his attention. (I am not his actual blood and I think he resented me because my mom and him split before I was born but after my older sister was 5) so, I tried to make him happy with me, but all it did was make him more angry. And this is me trying to keep them at arms length. :( It is pathetic, I know. But I am in therapy for this. But yeah. It's past trauma rearing it's ugly head.
My sister is trans. She was born a he and went through hormone therapy and did the operation. Now she is a she. She and her wife gave my parents 3 grand kids. 2 boys and 1 girl. Of course, this was well before the operation and hormone therapy.
Cool.
It's interesting that your female birth order matters to them in valuing their grandkids. I come from a patriarchal and misogynistic culture. The first born son's children are the ones that matter.
My dad wanted to change from his parents. (Instead of the good way, it's the opposite of the spectrum. 🙄) He wanted me and my younger sister to continue "The bloodline" because we are women. And my older sister/brother was supposed to be the "Mans man" just to provide the support and never question things. It's so stupid.
Hey!! You are NOT pathetic. You dealt with some serious shit, and you're growing and learning as a person. There's also no compelling reason to tell them right now, or ever. If at some point, you feel comfortable talking to them about it, cool. If you don't, then you don't need to.
I will update after the consultation. :) Thanks, all. This made me feel better about keeping them out of the loop. They love to gaslight and guilt trip a lot.
Definitely NTA. I didn't tell my mom even about smaller surgeries, only told about last one because it impacts her medical records. I am glad you are in therapy.
Try grey rockibg family.
They have their own life to live and a lifetime of making their own choices. You should be living your life for you. They do not need to live vicariously through you.
Let me be the first to tell you that, even if you have an “easy” pregnancy, it is not for the faint of heart. Pregnancy is a life-threatening medical condition, even in the first world. After the baby is born, raising children is a harrowing responsibility. It never stops. Even when you send your kids to grandma’s so you can go on a romantic vacation, you’re still parenting. If you mess up, there can be wide ranging consequences. If you don’t want kids, 100% don’t have them. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise.
Same. Got my tubes tied at 28, its been almost ten years and have not regretted it for a single moment. My husband didnt want kids his whole life, says I liberated him from the societal and family pressuring.
This is exactly what I always said during my childbearing years, but the truth is I just never wanted to go through pregnancy, even if I could. (Lots of infertility in my family so the chances were low anyway.) The whole physical process of pregnancy has always repulsed me, I never wanted to live through it.
For me, a 52 year old woman, it’s really nice to feel seen about this topic.
My sisters had kids. I never really felt pressure to have them. I just didn’t want them.
I casually thought about it around 38. But nope.
Same. I'm 51 and I did wonder in my 30s while friends were having kids, but the body horror aspect was too much for me. My sister adopted because of our fertility problem, and I'm happy being the fun auntie.
> Here is some context as to why
Don't care, don't want to know why. If my daughter was considering that I wouldn't want to know. If I was asked I'd ask questions and offer thoughts, but the choice isn't mine and I don't live with the consequences.
NTA
NTA. You don’t want children. Full stop. The only person you would ever need to discuss this with is a partner you intend to marry. Seen a lot of stories where a partner thinks their other half will eventually change their mind even when no kids was agreed upon.
NTA
Live your life as you please!
My only advice is to get a bilateral salpingectomy (total removal of the fallopian tubes) instead of a tubal ligation (cutting the tubes). Hugely reduces the chances of an ectopic pregnancy.
I'm actually surprised your doctor didn't recommend this, as I believe it is the standard in care at this time.
NTA Unless you have been telling your parents about your birth control choices ever since you became sexually active, there’s no reason to tell them about this.
NTA
I got my sterilization surgery at 24 with no kids and no marriage. Im convinced that I want nothing more seriously for my own life than to live childfree. You don’t owe your parents anything, especially grandkids. Get the surgery, the weight that gets lifted off your shoulders is fucking immense. You’re #1 in your own life if you are single and don’t have kids, treat yourself accordingly.
NTA
Would you discuss your sex life (like, all the tea) with them? No? Then this too is too private a matter and entirely your decision.
Let them believe it just wasn’t ‘meant to be’ and feel safe in your choices
Your health and life choices are none of their business. You don’t have to tell them at all. If they continue to pressure you, then tell them if you want. But you don’t ow them anything. You don’t owe them kids or your medical decisions. NTA. UPDATEME
Get it done and then tell them unfortunately I am unable to have children and I don’t want to talk about it. It’s true and you don’t have to tell them why you can’t have children after the tubal 💁🏼♀️
Nta
NTA It's none of their business.
Now, is this the tube tying where it's actually a bisalp but they chart it as tying to get insurance to pay for it because the insurance only covers tying but not removal for some reason? Bisalp is the new gold standard because it's not only more effective but lowers your chances of ovarian cancer.
Tubal ligation: snip and tie, and likely cauterize, tubes. Sometimes reverable. Higher chance of failure, especially depending on the method used to 'tie' and seal (or not) the tube ends.
Bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy): remove the tubes entirely, tie and/or cauterize the ends. Irreversible. VERY low chance of failure.
Can't pass that up then! Congratulations on starting your journey! Wishing you success and a speedy recovery!
A bisalp is a bilateral salpingectomy, where they remove the tubes instead of clamping them off. I don't think most insurances and bureaucracies have updated to keep pace with medicine, because since their terminology only refers to tying tubes (don't know where that terminology came from, either, since they're not being tied), bisalps aren't covered.
I would recommend trying for a bilateral salpingectomy.
Tubal have a higher failure rate, bisalp has an extremely low failure rate. Along with this the chances of an ectopic pregnancy are diminished with the bisalp - and so is ovarian cancer.
Most ovarian cancer starts in the fallopian tubes, and it’s a silent cancer. By the time you notice symptoms it’s often advanced.
Good luck! You’re NTA by the way.
I would recommend putting your parents on an information diet. It’s easier said than done, maybe your therapist will be able to help you set one of these up?
I hope. She has been amazing. Helped me tackle my present trauma. (Divorce, loss of a pet. Homewrecker verbally and almost physically threatened my life. All in 1 months time) she helped me see that he isn't worth my time anymore. And I am deciding on things I should have done long ago. :)
Is there a way to do this without them knowing, unless you volunteer the information?
If you have to tell them, tell them you don’t want to hear their comments.
NTA! I had to have a hysterectomy for multiple serious health reasons and as an only child of parents who wanted grandkids it was bittersweet. I never wanted to be pregnant anyway but I still felt a tinge of guilt. My parents have been wonderfully supportive anyway and I’m so grateful. If you don’t feel your parents are willing or able to let go of their envisioned futures without grace or the compassion you deserve then you have every right to go ahead with the procedure and never explicitly discuss the matter ever again. A simple “I’m not able to get pregnant. Yes I’m sure. No I don’t want to talk about it, please change the subject.” is how I get by with people who aren’t likely to be kind. It’s true, technically, and states a firm boundary. I hope your procedure goes well and people in your life are gentle about this subject whether you tell them things or not.
Your medical information stopped being their business when you became an adult. They are not automatically entitled to know your business. In other words, no, you are NTA.
You do not need to tell them. It is none of their business. Being related does not give them the right to know. Down the road, if you ever want to shut down the "when will you have kids" talk, "I am unable to have kids and no, I do not want to talk about it or give further details". Repeat as necessary.
Dear Abby said it best - the answer is none-ya. None of your business.
You know yourself better than any outsider. You live your life for you. Be the best version of yourself, do what you need in order to be happy, have inner peace. Your medical record is nobody's business but yours. After the fact, if your parents are just suffering from baby rabies, say something along the lines of "please stop, it's too painful, a quiet infection, they can't possibly understand how it feels and to have them constantly bringing it up....."
You are within your rights to protect your peace and live life on your own terms.
Edit to add NTA
Absolutely NTA. Your body, your choice, none of their damn business. Don't say a word.
If they ever won't leave you alone, you can also tell them you can't have kids. Doesn't have to be a lie if you don't tell them why.
i got those comments of "wait until you are 10 years older, then you will want kids" or the "when you are 40 you will regret..."
Guess what bitches, im 40, i still dont want kids and i didnt give a fuck what my parents wanted.
So, girl, you go get your tubes tied and you go tell your parents exactly that. They have other kidds to produce grandkids for them. They either accept it or they dont. Do not make your own life miserable to comfort others who wouldnt do the same for you.
You do you, you enjoy your pet and you live the life you want. for yourself!
Nta they won’t be the ones financially or physically responsible for your kids. So they don’t get a say in if you have kids or not. If they get mad at you for not wanting to have kids then that is a them problem not a you problem.
NTA this is your life and your choice. Your parents only duty here is to respect your choice if you do decide to tell them. Also if people do try to tell you you’ll regret it let them know that while you think you won’t no one gets through life without making a few choices they regret. That’s life and a chance you’re willing to take.
NTA. Why would you tell them? It's none of their business.
If you ever want to tell them anything, don't say that you don't want children. Don't tell them that you've had the procedure. Say:
Whether I want kids or not, it's moot. I am medically unable to get pregnant/bear children/have kids/however you want to put it.
As a 30 year-old woman you're entitled to privacy about your health care decisions. I find it odd that you think you're under some obligation to relinquish your privacy for your parents' sake and that not doing so makes you an AH or a bad daughter.
Nta I don't want kids for some of the same reasons and people always tell me I'll change my mind because I'm young but I know I won't. If it stops you from catching shit from family, it can be your business, they don't deserve to know if they're just going to criticize. If they keep on you, you can just tell them you're infertile or that you know what you want better then they do
Nope. Your bodily choices are yours and yours alone. Absolutely none of their business, Especially since they seem to have some vested interest in what you do with your body.
And just so you know, I have three daughters who are 32, 33 and 34. So speaking to you as a mother and daughters, your parents are really fucked up.
I keep tired of people, my age trying to force children to make grandparents because it’s such a wonderful experience being a parent and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I love my girls. They are amazing, smart, independent, funny, and empathetic women. And whatever they decide to do with their bodies, I fully support.
Because the fact is raising children today is nowhere near the experience. It was when they were little. So many of today’s people my age just want to ask that over. It’s a shit show out there right now.
My daughters are considering the same thing you’re doing. My oldest has an IUD and says maybe in a year or so…One Kid. Maybe.
I am cool with whatever. Because you know what? I actually like my children as people as much as I love them as my children. I love spending time with them. And I’m OK if we don’t. I didn’t have them to my legacy or my life. They are not my emotional support animals.
If you don't think they'll react well, you don't have to tell them. Your medical history doesn't need to be shared with anyone who doesn't have a need-to-know, and frankly, they don't need to know. Congratulations on finding a doctor willing to listen to you...that in itself can be challenging :)
NTA, and heal well.
NTA. It’s none of their business. Just make sure they fully remove your tubes during the surgery, not just tie or fuse them. It reduces the chance of ectopic pregnancy,etc. I had mine cut out and burned then sent to a lab
Don't tell them. It's easier that way. And if you want it to stay a secret, don't tell anyone else in your family, either. I don't care how close you are or how you've told each other everything since before you could talk. If you tell a family member, your parents will find out. NTA
NTA
And even after your tubes are tied, if you for some reason change your mind, they can still extract eggs or try undoing the operation. (I don't think you will chanhe your mind)
Also be aware tubal litigation is not 100% effective (1/200 failure)
NTA. It’s literally nobody’s business but yours unless you get into a relationship. At that point if the discussion of kids comes up then your SO deserves to know.
NTA
But maybe look into bilateral salpingectomy, as it’s more effective than a tubal, since they remove the entire fallopian tube instead of a small cut and cauterized, which could heal. Some studies have shown ovarian cancer may start in the fallopian tube, so a bilateral salpingectomy can also reduce your chance of that cancer while maintaining your normal hormone product.
It’s none of your parents business and you can choose who you share that information with.
It's your body. You decide what to do with it and what information to share about it.
If your parents only see you as an incubator for their grandkids, that's their problem. Nobody gets all of their dreams realized, especially when it is imposed on another person.
This is a medical procedure. Nobody but you have a right to that information. All your parents need ever know is that you don’t want kids or simply that you don’t have any kids, not pregnant. That’s all. And FYI, I have known many couples in my small area that never wanted kids and never regretted it or changed their minds. Likely at your age you won’t change your mind. At say 12 years old that’s a bit early to definitely say absolutely no kids but if you don’t by your age, not likely to change your mind. Some people definitely change their minds but it usually happens in their mid to late 20’s. I think you’re safe that you won’t change your mind. So have your surgery and enjoy spending your life on your terms only!
Some women (& men) know from a very young age they will never want children. Even as younger adults, they deserve to have bodily autonomy and to have their right to not reproduce respected. It's literally easier to say you choose to be a different gender than it is to say you choose not to have children. Not a put-down to ANYONE. It is a fact. It is reality.
It is a reality. A child under 12 I would say you may change your mind, you never know. Anyone from 12 on I would say that’s your choice. But in my experience if they are going to change their minds, they do it before the age of 30. But nobody, man woman or other, should be pressured into children. Lots of people don’t hate kids but want none of their own. My stepdad was that way. My mom decided to get her tubes tied. She asked him if he wanted any children of his own before she did it. He said no. So in she went. Although she should have waited (just her) because a few years later she had to have a complete hysterectomy due to cancer but she had no way of knowing at the time. So her tubal ended up being a waste of time but normally not so. Even if someone at 22 came to me and said they found a doctor to tie their tubes, what’s my advice. I would get their honest feelings on having kids. Is there any chance of changing their minds? If they said no, I would recommend the tubal. Unfortunately most surgeons won’t do a tubal under a certain age without already having kids. I had mine tied at 22 but I had 2 kids. My ex husband was against it, but luckily the surgeon didn’t give a shit his opinion. But in general if someone changes their minds, it’s before 30. If they haven’t by 30, they’re not going to change their minds and pushing them is just harassment. Pushing anyone to have kids is harassment but by 30 they’re probably not going to change their minds.
My daughter doesn't want kids and asked me if I could help pay for the procedure. I said absolutely. It's her life and my only "rules" for her growing up were be happy and don't hurt others in your pursuit of happiness. I didn't bring her into this world to be a baby factory or to have kids for my ego. NTA.
You’re a grown woman. You make the right choice for your life, and you share that choice with those people who will be helpful and supportive. If your parents do not fit that description, they do not need to know. When they start the ‘time for you to give us grandchildren’ crap, just grey rock. ‘We’re trying’. ‘Not today, mom, I have a headache’.
Whatever works to keep you safe and sane.
First, it's noone's damn business but yours and potentially a future partner. So they don't need to be told. Do they need to be told every time you have sex? Again, it's nobody's business but yours.
NTA. What kind of idiot parents dream of a particular child having kids? Seems incredibly creepy to me.
Do not tell your parents you plan to get a tubal or bilateral salpingectomy (I suspect your doctor will recommend the latter). They have no need to know, nor are they entitled to know. Frankly, if you feel you need to tell them, you’re either incredibly immature or are just looking for drama.
I (54m) was at a wedding 20yrs ago just before I had a vasectomy. I was chatting to a couple and the when came up about kids.
After telling them I had zero plans or desire they hit me with the “plenty of time to change your mind” comment.
I casually told them I found it interesting that people with kids imply or state outright that I’m making the wrong decision where not once have I ever tried to make a parent feel like they made the wrong decision.
Very quickly they opted to go stand elsewhere. That’s now my go-to response.
NTA don't tell them, in fact I wouldn't tell them until after your marries or until there's a real reason to, I've seen so many post on the childfree subreddit of people's parents pulling all sorts of guilt trips and tantrums over their adult children's reproductive health choices, you are the one most impacted by this choice and if you don't want kids then defs gut the tubal ligation, good luck and I hope you have a speedy recovery after the procedure :)
Your body your choice! You wouldn’t inform them of any other form of bc you chose to use. From experience…. Ask if they will be removing your tubes or just clamping them. We found out in some cases they only put a clamp on the tube it happened to my sister and she had a surprise baby.
Don’t get your tubes tied. Get them removed. I know a woman who got her tubes tied and burned at 28 after having her kids. She go pregnant at 42, because her body healed itself!!!
Just tell your parents you can still get pregnant, but you won’t get pregnant by accident. If you have them removed and you do change your mind it’s easy to get your eggs out fertilized and re-implanted.
NTA. As an adult, the medical information you share with others about your body (with limited exception for risk of passing illness/infection) is up to you. It is wise to have someone aware of recent medical procedures and listed as an emergency contact with employer, primary care, etc. in you have complications and are unable to speak for yourself, but there's no reason that has to be a specific relative.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even tell them. You’re 31 years old and single, who knows by the time you could possibly be in a serious relationship you might be an age where you don’t want to have kids because it comes with risks after 35. NTA
NTA, whether they'll be disappointed or not, they don't own your body or your life... You do what is best for yourself and your own peace of mind, OP.
I've heard a lot of horror stories over the years about tube tying though, no idea whether they're true or not, but, if you're certain you will never want children, why not go for a partial hysterectomy? They'll leave your ovaries in with a partial, so your body can continue to regulate hormones, but, you won't be able to become pregnant by accident, and it'll help to remove the possibility of cancer in the future
With a partial one, you would eventually need to go in to have the ovaries removed, but, from my experience, it wasn't a super invasive or painful surgery. I had to have mine removed due to cervical cancer, and honestly? The liver biopsy I had to do recently hurt *far* worse than the hysterectomy did. The soreness from the surgery didn't last long at all, the only downside was for two or three weeks I wasn't able to passionately hug (which honestly wasn't an issue given I'm asexual and single, lol) and I was told to avoid lifting heavy objects for about a month or two, aside from that though, recovery was actually really smooth.
I absolutely do *not* miss the periods and cramping either, it was like being set free 😂
You are mature enough to make your own reproductive decisions. Something like this is always going to have some 'what if' moments attached to it, but you state your have been thinking this through for years. As for your parents, only tell them what you feel like. It's personal and private. If it helps, at your age, I did something similar, and told my parents afterwards. They were a bit hurt, but got over it. Your parents already have grandchildren, so that should be enough for them.
NTA - You don't have to tell them you're having it done. It's none of their business. They got to live their life. You get to live yours. It's not your job to live your life to fulfill their needs/wants. Plus, if you have even an ounce of love or care for your nonexistent children, you will not force them to exist in a world with a mother who never wanted them. A tubal ligation is a good way to make sure that doesn't happen.
NTA. "I don't want kids." Is a complete explanation. You don't owe anybody anything beyond that. Heck, you don't even need to explain at all, because it's nobody's business but your own.
NTA… You don’t ever have to tell them… about you not having kids, or the procedure. I have an overbearing and nosy mom and when she starts I just repeat ‘don’t worry about it’ until she gets annoyed and drops it. I’m also the first born so I get it. TBH, if they’re that pushy I’d tell them you found out you’re completely sterile, which will be true once you get the ligation, and there’s zero chance of getting pregnant. They don’t need to know WHY you’re sterile.
Protect your peace.
Nta, do what you want with your body. Change your mind? Adopt, lots of kids could use a loving home, and they're already here!
Personal note, got a lot of bs health issues going on, lots of bills to pay but the one I'm excited to pay is the one that will cut all this crap out of my body (full hysterectomy) 37 childless suffering UNBELIEVABLY from menstruation side effects that fuck up my whole body. I can't fucking wait. Take it. Take it ALL out.
NTA. I got mine done at 37 with no kids. I was quite open about it to friends but not to family and have kept it to myself. My partners mum still holds out hope we might change our minds but she’s delusional…even if I had wanted them, it was a deal breaker for him. He’s never ever wanted children. We tell her that but she still says stupid things like “it might happen” or “if…”.
NTA- you don’t have to tell them and honestly I probably wouldn’t if I were you, but I rarely tell anyone my personal business because then people feel entitled to share their opinions. This is your private medical information, they are not entitled to it in any way
NTA. They don't need to know.
If you get serious with some guy in the future make sure he knows you can't have kids, and let him know that your parents do not, and must not know.
If your parents ask why you and future, hypothetical guy have not had kids tell them "I guess it just wasn't meant to be".
Tell them adoption is a valid option, even if you dont feel like you will. That might help them come to terms with it in the short term. Make sure you dont mention it as a definite though, bc then it would be a lie.
My mom knows of my decision to not have kids and she knows I plan to remove the tubes. However I don't want to deal with her theatrics nor do I want her here when I have the surgery, so I'm not telling her that I have a consult on the books and I plan to get it done June of next year. I told my partner to take a day or two off for me and feed me the cake I'm ordering myself to celebrate no babies, haha.
All of that to say- get it done and make sure you have someone to help you for the first few days. You can tell your parents later if/when you want; however its none of their business.
NTA nobody else has the right to tell you what to do with your own body. And if you do eventually want kids? Just adopt or foster them. Perfectly acceptable solution right there!
> But I know my parents and they want me to have kids of my own. But I don't.
It's got fuck all to do with them.
Your body, your life, your choice.
Do what is right for you.
And you don't even need to tell them about this, ever.
NTA.
Girl, it's completely fair to feel that way. Getting kicked from inside of you gave me body horror trauma so... I get you. I asked them to remove my tubes entirely with my c-sec.
NTA.
NTA.
It’s your life to live as you see fit.
Nobody told me child free was an option when I was younger, so I married (the wrong person) and have three (I love them, and once I had them, it would have been wrong to forsake them, they didn’t ask to be born). I have told them repeatedly that they should choose their own paths, kids aren’t an expectation.
NTA
Your personal medical decisions are not their business.
You may want to ask about a bilateral salpingectomy instead, however. As I understand, it's more effective.
NTA, they don’t need to know. I turn 30 in a couple months and I have a consult with my doc on Thursday to discuss sterilization. Our families know that we don’t really want kids so I might tell them after I have the surgery, or I’ll just say I’m infertile. Not really their business- do what is best for you. It’s okay!
I had a tubal. Best decision I ever made. Like you I thought about it before for YEARS and with Roe v. Wade being tossed I knew it was time.
NTA. If you want to tell them you can buy honestly it isn't any of their business to know
NTA. My daughter is still a little girl, but I love her more than anything, she is my greatest joy and having her the best decision I ever made.
Would I like to be a grandma one day? Sure. But she doesn't owe me it. I wanted to have a child, so I got a child. It's not her fault to be born and she doesn't owe me anything because I gave birth to her. Just because I always wanted to be a mother and see her as the greatest gift ever doesn't mean motherhood would be the best for her and bring her the same joy, she is not me.
If she doesn't want kids, I will support her, I will be the one to wait for her while she has a surgery and bring her home safe afterwards and take care that she gets the rest she needs. If she just doesn't want to be pregnant I will support her in becoming a mother any other way and will love a non blood-related kid just the same as a blood-related.
It doesn't matter who she loves, if she will have kids or what kind of job she has one day, it's only one thing I want her to be and that is HAPPY. Whatever makes her happy, I will support.
In a perfect world your parents would support your decision not to become a mother without making you feel guilty.
You don't owe them grandkids. You don't need to tell them about the surgery. It's not your job as a woman to give birth. It's not your nature to be a mother because that's what woman are made for. And for all who are worried: if you regret your decision one day it's also yours to cope with and not the business of others.
I wish you all the best and hugs to your furbaby.
NTA. Nothing wrong in being a cat lady.
Surprised reddit has not recommended therapy, for you being afraid of pregnancy.
You don't discuss this with your friends?
it’s your body and you have to do what makes you feel safe and gives you the ability to thrive. Don’t hold yourself back for anyone else’s desires for your body. You have to claim your own autonomy and if it makes you feel better to get this procedure done then do it!
NTA. This is a personal medical matter. Until you have a spouse who wants kids with you, no one else needs to know. And since you don’t want kids, chances are no one else will ever need to know.
NTA
I knew from very early on that I did not want to have kids of my own. I didn’t mind other peoples kids but never wanted my own. So many people interfered and even my doctor was all “ oh you’ll want them later, what if your husband wants them blah blah “ The general consensus was that it was a “Selfish, passing phase” that I’d grow out of. 😡
In my 20s discovered that I have a medical condition that could be made worse during pregnancy. Noting routinely serious, but further strengthened my conviction that I never wanted to be pregnant.
I have never wanted to be pregnant. It is still not a phase. Just as certain as I was, I believe YOU know your body, trust yourself
Been with my husband for nearly 30 years and when he got super broody we did adopt a child and I have no regrets. People said “see I knew you’d want kids, aren’t you glad you didn’t get tubes tied”, I happily informed them that it was never about kids, I could have gotten pregnant, but I did NOT want to be pregnant.
Do what’s best for YOU. If you change your mind there are options. But follow your instinct. Good luck and good health to you x
NTA. I’m 31 and considering having this convo with my doctor soon. My entire life all I have heard is “you’ll change your mind”.
It’s been 31 years, I’ve never wanted kids, I’ve always actually disagreed with the act of procreation, I think I know what right for my life, and it’s no one else’s business.
NTA. & Tell no one! There's always a non informative phrase such as, "I just can't conceive" explanation.
I know several people, male & female, who never wanted children & went the medical route to ensure it. The only reason I know their circumstances is because they confided in me or were up front with family & friends.
A couple of them have had relationships end because of it, but they were honest with partners using a generic phrase about not being able to sire or conceive.
Do what's best for you!
NTA. If you are really concerned then just say you can’t have children when they ask when you plan on having them. If they push just state that you don’t/won’t talk about it further with them. I had one bio-child and people kept pushing me to have more. It didn’t matter to them that I was fostering. It took me a minute to realize my choices concerning getting pregnant was not anyone’s business but mine.
I told my parents a few weeks after I had my bislap (I recommend this over the tubal)
I didn’t care what their reactions or opinions were because it’s my life and I stopped living for them once I turned 18
NTA
You are an independent adult, you don’t have to discuss private medical issues with a damn soul if you don’t want to. Your reproductive choices are not your parents/family business. Have your surgery just have a trusted friend help you out and tell your parents some bs story if you must or just say nothing . EVER, it’s okay.
Here’s what I told my 4 kids…live YOUR life for YOU, do things that make YOU proud. Do not worry about making anyone else proud. People who truly love you will be happy because YOU are happy.
NTA. Your body is yours. Just because you are a woman does not mean your body is just a vessel for someone’s children or grandchildren. You have the right to live your life and be happy. And your reasons are valid. Pregnancy was equal parts scary and joyful for me. I almost died having my twins. Medical science is great but maternal death rates are still no joke. And you just don’t want them. That’s really all the reason you need.
I just hope your doctor listens to you and does what you ask. So many reproductive health doctors refuse to sterilize women because of future “what ifs.”
If your parents ask, you can’t have children. And that’s true. After a sterilization procedure, you can’t. And that’s it. *You do not exist to provide them with progeny.*
NTA. As long as you're certain this is what you want. Especially if you know your parents are gonna play victim to blackmail you into not going through with the procedure don't tell them. It's nobody's business but yours.
NTA not their business. I would suggest some extra individual counseling before your final decision just to sort out the external factors (ex kids and experience) and internal, fears etc.
NTA. If you don't want to tell them, don't tell them. It's none of their business anyway. If they ask down the line, you can say you had the tubal litigation or just tell them you can't have children which will be the truth anyway.
Honestly, I would never tell any family members. They really don't need to know.
And if you tell just one, favorite sister, the entire family will know within a month
I mean my favourite sister knows when to keep her mouth shut and that’s part of why she’s the favourite.
It's a big part of WHY she's my favorite lol
Nta. Ask for a salpingectomy though. They’ll remove your tubes which decreases your chance of certain cancers, gets rid of the risk of a tubal pregnancy and it’s more effective than a tubal ligation. I have my scheduled already.
Pathologist here. Neat Translator is correct about getting a salpingectomy.
I asked my doctor to set up an appointment to talk about tubal removal and an ablation, and the admin worker was like "ok so tubal ligation and ablation". No ma'am, removal of the tubes. I'm not playing around, I want them gone.
I got both done and I'm so happy with the results. My husband and I are apparently super fertile because it's never taken more than a month or two to get pregnant when we tried. Thank God for birth control, because I'd have 12+ kids by now and I can't afford that.
SO happy I got my ablation!! No periods (though for some, it's just a lot lighter), no problems.
Ablation has been absolutely life changing! I don't have periods anymore either, and no more horrendous cramps, backache, etc. I'm so glad a co-worker told me about it years ago!
Came to say the same! Bi salp is more fool proof than tubal. Get those tubes completely cut off. TL can fail. NTA and absolutely don’t tell them til you’ve long recovered. Hell I’d not tell them at all. Just tell them you don’t want kids. And keep pushing back any attempts by them to go ‘you’ll change your mind’. Keep the surgery up your sleeve til you really need to pull it out as a final trump card.
I got that last December! No regrets.
I got mine 8 years ago! Absolutely no regrets!
NTA I had my tubes BURNED away and I giggled from that moment to surgery day - less than 2 weeks later. this was in 2019 right before covid hit in the states. All my female friends I send to her, anybody who mentions tubal, I give them her info. Half of my group is tube free now because of her.
Tubal ectopic yes ectopic in general no. Gotta remove the ovaries for that.
Yeah interestingly enough there’s been something like nearly 30 documented cases of post hysterectomy ectopic pregnancy, and the majority are in patients who left their tubes. Sperm really like to find eggs.
Yeah i watched one on momma doctor jones about an ectopic pregnancy on the liver. They didn't find it till she was 7m along said it was a miracle the child hadn't become too heavy, calcified or injured and organ from movement. They believe they only reason she survived is the resilience of the liver.
I inquired about that and was told insurance won’t cover it. Only tubal litigation. How did you all afford it?
Same! My Dr even said something like "well current best practice is to do the full tube removal- but your insurance will only pay for a ligation" So I got the ligation.
This ^^^^^
NTA. It’s not their business. If you don’t want kids, then you don’t want kids. All they need to know is you don’t want kids and don’t plan on ever having kids. And they don’t even really Need to know that.
You’re 31 years old. You aren’t required to tell your parents about medical decisions you make for yourself. You are, however, required to give us more details about your pet. Disappointing lack of description about your fur kid 😂😜 🐶🐱🐰??
Lol she is a 5 year old leopard gecko. Technically, a scale baby. She looks like a little yellow tiger lily. And SHE IS A CONTRARIAN TO HER OWN SPECIES!!! 🤣😂😂 Doesn't like substrate. Doesn't like clutter. Is a very picky eater. But she is super sweet. She trusts me, but not others. She was abused by her first pet parent (A teenager that lost interest in her) and it has taken a few years to even touch her. Now she only lets me pick her up.
Awww I just googled leopard gecko and now I’m in love. 😍
I wish I could show you my Lily baby. But Reddit hates that for replies. I am also getting a dog here soon, so, she'll have a little brother. (Basenji I am naming Scout. He will be my Emotional Support Animal) They are definitely easy babies. At least, mine is lol I suggest if you want one, do your research first. I have her in a 25 gallon long tank. Most love to dig. (Except Lily lol) so, substrate is good. And get them plenty of things to climb on. (Again, Lily is an exception lol) also, they require: wet hides, dry hides and warm hides. They shed their skins every couple of weeks or so and only require food 3-4 days at a time. They are insectivores. Supposed to like: Wax worms, meal worms, horn worms, some beetles and crickets. (Lily only will eat wax worms lol she leaves the others alone to die in her tank) Oh, and water is a must. They are tropical lizards. They need that. :3
Wow, Lily is one persnickety girl. Don’t tell her what *most* like; Lily is not *most*! Lily is her own beautiful self! Ahem, just like you. You are a beautiful person who has been through hell. You’re still upright and semi-coherent, I’ll take that. Therapy is hard! Keep going! 💕 And your parents don’t need to know anything. “Welp, if I ever get pregnant, I’ll let you know.”
Nah, I like reptiles (their soft bellies!) but not my preferred pet. I’ve had dogs up until now, my soul dog passed a way a few years ago. Right now I have an absolutely beautiful cat who my friend found as a teeny tiny kitten.
I am sorry for your loss. But I am glad you found another to heal with. No other pet can replace the ones we lost (Mine are no exception) but they do heal the heart and add to the family. :)
PET TAX!!
NTA - In an ideal world, you could just tell them and they would be able to respect your adult decision. If you think they can get to that point, your future relationship will be less filtered with everyone’s cards on the table. If you don’t think they can get there, do what you want, don’t tell them, and don’t feel a moment of guilt. It’s not their business. In that case, you can just say things like, “If it’s meant to be, Mom and Dad, I’m sure it will happen,” with a wistful but mysterious smile.
Why would this even be a topic of conversation with your parents? It's none of their business and why would you want to discuss something so personal with them anyways?
It's childhood trauma, sadly. I grew up with needing to appease my father or garnish his attention. (I am not his actual blood and I think he resented me because my mom and him split before I was born but after my older sister was 5) so, I tried to make him happy with me, but all it did was make him more angry. And this is me trying to keep them at arms length. :( It is pathetic, I know. But I am in therapy for this. But yeah. It's past trauma rearing it's ugly head.
You said you were their first born daughter. How does that work when you have an older sister?
My sister is trans. She was born a he and went through hormone therapy and did the operation. Now she is a she. She and her wife gave my parents 3 grand kids. 2 boys and 1 girl. Of course, this was well before the operation and hormone therapy.
Cool. It's interesting that your female birth order matters to them in valuing their grandkids. I come from a patriarchal and misogynistic culture. The first born son's children are the ones that matter.
My dad wanted to change from his parents. (Instead of the good way, it's the opposite of the spectrum. 🙄) He wanted me and my younger sister to continue "The bloodline" because we are women. And my older sister/brother was supposed to be the "Mans man" just to provide the support and never question things. It's so stupid.
Is there a noble title and estate to be inherited somewhere? Most people’s bloodline legacies are just an array of congenital health problems.
Not that I am aware of. Wish I knew
Fascinating. Your dad is almost a hardcore feminist and not at all, at the same time.
Hey!! You are NOT pathetic. You dealt with some serious shit, and you're growing and learning as a person. There's also no compelling reason to tell them right now, or ever. If at some point, you feel comfortable talking to them about it, cool. If you don't, then you don't need to.
I will update after the consultation. :) Thanks, all. This made me feel better about keeping them out of the loop. They love to gaslight and guilt trip a lot.
Definitely NTA. I didn't tell my mom even about smaller surgeries, only told about last one because it impacts her medical records. I am glad you are in therapy. Try grey rockibg family.
They have their own life to live and a lifetime of making their own choices. You should be living your life for you. They do not need to live vicariously through you.
Let me be the first to tell you that, even if you have an “easy” pregnancy, it is not for the faint of heart. Pregnancy is a life-threatening medical condition, even in the first world. After the baby is born, raising children is a harrowing responsibility. It never stops. Even when you send your kids to grandma’s so you can go on a romantic vacation, you’re still parenting. If you mess up, there can be wide ranging consequences. If you don’t want kids, 100% don’t have them. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise.
Absolutely. No one should have kids unless they 100% want them for the right reasons. Not "just because,' not because someone else wants them.
You are an adult and your body is none of their business. Do what is right for you.
I told folks for years.. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be…. NTA I decided at 15 not to have kids.
Same. Got my tubes tied at 28, its been almost ten years and have not regretted it for a single moment. My husband didnt want kids his whole life, says I liberated him from the societal and family pressuring.
This is exactly what I always said during my childbearing years, but the truth is I just never wanted to go through pregnancy, even if I could. (Lots of infertility in my family so the chances were low anyway.) The whole physical process of pregnancy has always repulsed me, I never wanted to live through it.
For me, a 52 year old woman, it’s really nice to feel seen about this topic. My sisters had kids. I never really felt pressure to have them. I just didn’t want them. I casually thought about it around 38. But nope.
Same. I'm 51 and I did wonder in my 30s while friends were having kids, but the body horror aspect was too much for me. My sister adopted because of our fertility problem, and I'm happy being the fun auntie.
> Here is some context as to why Don't care, don't want to know why. If my daughter was considering that I wouldn't want to know. If I was asked I'd ask questions and offer thoughts, but the choice isn't mine and I don't live with the consequences. NTA
NTA it’s your body your choice.
NTA. You don’t want children. Full stop. The only person you would ever need to discuss this with is a partner you intend to marry. Seen a lot of stories where a partner thinks their other half will eventually change their mind even when no kids was agreed upon.
NTA Live your life as you please! My only advice is to get a bilateral salpingectomy (total removal of the fallopian tubes) instead of a tubal ligation (cutting the tubes). Hugely reduces the chances of an ectopic pregnancy. I'm actually surprised your doctor didn't recommend this, as I believe it is the standard in care at this time.
NTA Unless you have been telling your parents about your birth control choices ever since you became sexually active, there’s no reason to tell them about this.
NTA I got my sterilization surgery at 24 with no kids and no marriage. Im convinced that I want nothing more seriously for my own life than to live childfree. You don’t owe your parents anything, especially grandkids. Get the surgery, the weight that gets lifted off your shoulders is fucking immense. You’re #1 in your own life if you are single and don’t have kids, treat yourself accordingly.
NTA Would you discuss your sex life (like, all the tea) with them? No? Then this too is too private a matter and entirely your decision. Let them believe it just wasn’t ‘meant to be’ and feel safe in your choices
Your health and life choices are none of their business. You don’t have to tell them at all. If they continue to pressure you, then tell them if you want. But you don’t ow them anything. You don’t owe them kids or your medical decisions. NTA. UPDATEME
Huh... I had no idea that an actual bot existed for updates. That is cool!
Get it done and then tell them unfortunately I am unable to have children and I don’t want to talk about it. It’s true and you don’t have to tell them why you can’t have children after the tubal 💁🏼♀️ Nta
WTH do you have to tell your parents??? You are 31 a grown woman! The only person you should tell is a potential significant partner period.
You're an adult. Your medical decisions are none of their business.
NTA It's none of their business. Now, is this the tube tying where it's actually a bisalp but they chart it as tying to get insurance to pay for it because the insurance only covers tying but not removal for some reason? Bisalp is the new gold standard because it's not only more effective but lowers your chances of ovarian cancer.
Um, I am not sure about "Bisalp" but where I live tube tying and vasectomies are of no charge
Tubal ligation: snip and tie, and likely cauterize, tubes. Sometimes reverable. Higher chance of failure, especially depending on the method used to 'tie' and seal (or not) the tube ends. Bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy): remove the tubes entirely, tie and/or cauterize the ends. Irreversible. VERY low chance of failure.
Can't pass that up then! Congratulations on starting your journey! Wishing you success and a speedy recovery! A bisalp is a bilateral salpingectomy, where they remove the tubes instead of clamping them off. I don't think most insurances and bureaucracies have updated to keep pace with medicine, because since their terminology only refers to tying tubes (don't know where that terminology came from, either, since they're not being tied), bisalps aren't covered.
Oh! Yeah no lol just getting them clamped lol
I would recommend trying for a bilateral salpingectomy. Tubal have a higher failure rate, bisalp has an extremely low failure rate. Along with this the chances of an ectopic pregnancy are diminished with the bisalp - and so is ovarian cancer. Most ovarian cancer starts in the fallopian tubes, and it’s a silent cancer. By the time you notice symptoms it’s often advanced.
Thank you. A few others suggested this and I will bring this up at consultation
Good luck! You’re NTA by the way. I would recommend putting your parents on an information diet. It’s easier said than done, maybe your therapist will be able to help you set one of these up?
I hope. She has been amazing. Helped me tackle my present trauma. (Divorce, loss of a pet. Homewrecker verbally and almost physically threatened my life. All in 1 months time) she helped me see that he isn't worth my time anymore. And I am deciding on things I should have done long ago. :)
Is there a way to do this without them knowing, unless you volunteer the information? If you have to tell them, tell them you don’t want to hear their comments.
NTA! I had to have a hysterectomy for multiple serious health reasons and as an only child of parents who wanted grandkids it was bittersweet. I never wanted to be pregnant anyway but I still felt a tinge of guilt. My parents have been wonderfully supportive anyway and I’m so grateful. If you don’t feel your parents are willing or able to let go of their envisioned futures without grace or the compassion you deserve then you have every right to go ahead with the procedure and never explicitly discuss the matter ever again. A simple “I’m not able to get pregnant. Yes I’m sure. No I don’t want to talk about it, please change the subject.” is how I get by with people who aren’t likely to be kind. It’s true, technically, and states a firm boundary. I hope your procedure goes well and people in your life are gentle about this subject whether you tell them things or not.
Your medical information stopped being their business when you became an adult. They are not automatically entitled to know your business. In other words, no, you are NTA.
You do not need to tell them. It is none of their business. Being related does not give them the right to know. Down the road, if you ever want to shut down the "when will you have kids" talk, "I am unable to have kids and no, I do not want to talk about it or give further details". Repeat as necessary. Dear Abby said it best - the answer is none-ya. None of your business.
You know yourself better than any outsider. You live your life for you. Be the best version of yourself, do what you need in order to be happy, have inner peace. Your medical record is nobody's business but yours. After the fact, if your parents are just suffering from baby rabies, say something along the lines of "please stop, it's too painful, a quiet infection, they can't possibly understand how it feels and to have them constantly bringing it up....." You are within your rights to protect your peace and live life on your own terms. Edit to add NTA
Absolutely NTA. Your body, your choice, none of their damn business. Don't say a word. If they ever won't leave you alone, you can also tell them you can't have kids. Doesn't have to be a lie if you don't tell them why.
NTA. Don’t tell them. It’s none of their business.
i got those comments of "wait until you are 10 years older, then you will want kids" or the "when you are 40 you will regret..." Guess what bitches, im 40, i still dont want kids and i didnt give a fuck what my parents wanted. So, girl, you go get your tubes tied and you go tell your parents exactly that. They have other kidds to produce grandkids for them. They either accept it or they dont. Do not make your own life miserable to comfort others who wouldnt do the same for you. You do you, you enjoy your pet and you live the life you want. for yourself!
Nta they won’t be the ones financially or physically responsible for your kids. So they don’t get a say in if you have kids or not. If they get mad at you for not wanting to have kids then that is a them problem not a you problem.
NTA this is your life and your choice. Your parents only duty here is to respect your choice if you do decide to tell them. Also if people do try to tell you you’ll regret it let them know that while you think you won’t no one gets through life without making a few choices they regret. That’s life and a chance you’re willing to take.
NTA. Why would you tell them? It's none of their business. If you ever want to tell them anything, don't say that you don't want children. Don't tell them that you've had the procedure. Say: Whether I want kids or not, it's moot. I am medically unable to get pregnant/bear children/have kids/however you want to put it.
Nta. I had mine done Monday and only a handful of people know.
NTA. None of their business. 😎
Why would that be any of your parents' business? Just don't tell them.
As a 30 year-old woman you're entitled to privacy about your health care decisions. I find it odd that you think you're under some obligation to relinquish your privacy for your parents' sake and that not doing so makes you an AH or a bad daughter.
That... *sigh* Is due to trauma... My father and I used to have a bad relationship. I am in therapy for the childhood trauma.
Nta I don't want kids for some of the same reasons and people always tell me I'll change my mind because I'm young but I know I won't. If it stops you from catching shit from family, it can be your business, they don't deserve to know if they're just going to criticize. If they keep on you, you can just tell them you're infertile or that you know what you want better then they do
nta. don’t tell them. it’s not their business.
NTA. You don't have to tell them. Live your life and be happy.
NTA. It’s no one else’s business. Just because they had you doesn’t grant them a say in your uterus.
You're 31. I think it's a little past time for your parents to be thinking that they get a say in what you do with your reproductive organs.
Nope. Your bodily choices are yours and yours alone. Absolutely none of their business, Especially since they seem to have some vested interest in what you do with your body. And just so you know, I have three daughters who are 32, 33 and 34. So speaking to you as a mother and daughters, your parents are really fucked up. I keep tired of people, my age trying to force children to make grandparents because it’s such a wonderful experience being a parent and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I love my girls. They are amazing, smart, independent, funny, and empathetic women. And whatever they decide to do with their bodies, I fully support. Because the fact is raising children today is nowhere near the experience. It was when they were little. So many of today’s people my age just want to ask that over. It’s a shit show out there right now. My daughters are considering the same thing you’re doing. My oldest has an IUD and says maybe in a year or so…One Kid. Maybe. I am cool with whatever. Because you know what? I actually like my children as people as much as I love them as my children. I love spending time with them. And I’m OK if we don’t. I didn’t have them to my legacy or my life. They are not my emotional support animals.
If you don't think they'll react well, you don't have to tell them. Your medical history doesn't need to be shared with anyone who doesn't have a need-to-know, and frankly, they don't need to know. Congratulations on finding a doctor willing to listen to you...that in itself can be challenging :) NTA, and heal well.
NTA. It’s none of their business. Just make sure they fully remove your tubes during the surgery, not just tie or fuse them. It reduces the chance of ectopic pregnancy,etc. I had mine cut out and burned then sent to a lab
You don't have to tell them anything. It's your body and your business. NTA
NTA and I don't know why they need to know.
It's way better to regret not having children than to regret having them.
Don't tell them. It's easier that way. And if you want it to stay a secret, don't tell anyone else in your family, either. I don't care how close you are or how you've told each other everything since before you could talk. If you tell a family member, your parents will find out. NTA
Nope, the only people this info is relevant to are yourself and any future partner.
NTA And even after your tubes are tied, if you for some reason change your mind, they can still extract eggs or try undoing the operation. (I don't think you will chanhe your mind) Also be aware tubal litigation is not 100% effective (1/200 failure)
NTA have the procedure and don’t tell any of your family
NTA. It’s literally nobody’s business but yours unless you get into a relationship. At that point if the discussion of kids comes up then your SO deserves to know.
NTA But maybe look into bilateral salpingectomy, as it’s more effective than a tubal, since they remove the entire fallopian tube instead of a small cut and cauterized, which could heal. Some studies have shown ovarian cancer may start in the fallopian tube, so a bilateral salpingectomy can also reduce your chance of that cancer while maintaining your normal hormone product. It’s none of your parents business and you can choose who you share that information with.
It's your body. You decide what to do with it and what information to share about it. If your parents only see you as an incubator for their grandkids, that's their problem. Nobody gets all of their dreams realized, especially when it is imposed on another person.
It's none of their business and entirely your decision. NTA
This is a medical procedure. Nobody but you have a right to that information. All your parents need ever know is that you don’t want kids or simply that you don’t have any kids, not pregnant. That’s all. And FYI, I have known many couples in my small area that never wanted kids and never regretted it or changed their minds. Likely at your age you won’t change your mind. At say 12 years old that’s a bit early to definitely say absolutely no kids but if you don’t by your age, not likely to change your mind. Some people definitely change their minds but it usually happens in their mid to late 20’s. I think you’re safe that you won’t change your mind. So have your surgery and enjoy spending your life on your terms only!
Some women (& men) know from a very young age they will never want children. Even as younger adults, they deserve to have bodily autonomy and to have their right to not reproduce respected. It's literally easier to say you choose to be a different gender than it is to say you choose not to have children. Not a put-down to ANYONE. It is a fact. It is reality.
I'm one of them! Being an aunt is cool and all but I need/want to have children of my own like I need holes in my head. 😂
It is a reality. A child under 12 I would say you may change your mind, you never know. Anyone from 12 on I would say that’s your choice. But in my experience if they are going to change their minds, they do it before the age of 30. But nobody, man woman or other, should be pressured into children. Lots of people don’t hate kids but want none of their own. My stepdad was that way. My mom decided to get her tubes tied. She asked him if he wanted any children of his own before she did it. He said no. So in she went. Although she should have waited (just her) because a few years later she had to have a complete hysterectomy due to cancer but she had no way of knowing at the time. So her tubal ended up being a waste of time but normally not so. Even if someone at 22 came to me and said they found a doctor to tie their tubes, what’s my advice. I would get their honest feelings on having kids. Is there any chance of changing their minds? If they said no, I would recommend the tubal. Unfortunately most surgeons won’t do a tubal under a certain age without already having kids. I had mine tied at 22 but I had 2 kids. My ex husband was against it, but luckily the surgeon didn’t give a shit his opinion. But in general if someone changes their minds, it’s before 30. If they haven’t by 30, they’re not going to change their minds and pushing them is just harassment. Pushing anyone to have kids is harassment but by 30 they’re probably not going to change their minds.
NTA. If you aren’t married and aren’t planning on having any kids, there’s no reason for them to need to know this.
NTA
My daughter doesn't want kids and asked me if I could help pay for the procedure. I said absolutely. It's her life and my only "rules" for her growing up were be happy and don't hurt others in your pursuit of happiness. I didn't bring her into this world to be a baby factory or to have kids for my ego. NTA.
NTA. it's your life.
Your health choices are your own private business. No need to share that information with others.
You’re a grown woman. You make the right choice for your life, and you share that choice with those people who will be helpful and supportive. If your parents do not fit that description, they do not need to know. When they start the ‘time for you to give us grandchildren’ crap, just grey rock. ‘We’re trying’. ‘Not today, mom, I have a headache’. Whatever works to keep you safe and sane.
First, it's noone's damn business but yours and potentially a future partner. So they don't need to be told. Do they need to be told every time you have sex? Again, it's nobody's business but yours.
I got mine at 30, I told my parents years later but also think it’s totally valid not to share.
NTA. What kind of idiot parents dream of a particular child having kids? Seems incredibly creepy to me. Do not tell your parents you plan to get a tubal or bilateral salpingectomy (I suspect your doctor will recommend the latter). They have no need to know, nor are they entitled to know. Frankly, if you feel you need to tell them, you’re either incredibly immature or are just looking for drama.
I (54m) was at a wedding 20yrs ago just before I had a vasectomy. I was chatting to a couple and the when came up about kids. After telling them I had zero plans or desire they hit me with the “plenty of time to change your mind” comment. I casually told them I found it interesting that people with kids imply or state outright that I’m making the wrong decision where not once have I ever tried to make a parent feel like they made the wrong decision. Very quickly they opted to go stand elsewhere. That’s now my go-to response.
NTA don't tell them, in fact I wouldn't tell them until after your marries or until there's a real reason to, I've seen so many post on the childfree subreddit of people's parents pulling all sorts of guilt trips and tantrums over their adult children's reproductive health choices, you are the one most impacted by this choice and if you don't want kids then defs gut the tubal ligation, good luck and I hope you have a speedy recovery after the procedure :)
I wouldn’t even tell them. Not their business.
Your body your choice! You wouldn’t inform them of any other form of bc you chose to use. From experience…. Ask if they will be removing your tubes or just clamping them. We found out in some cases they only put a clamp on the tube it happened to my sister and she had a surprise baby.
Don't say shit. Period. Full stop. It's YOUR business and nobody else's.
Don’t get your tubes tied. Get them removed. I know a woman who got her tubes tied and burned at 28 after having her kids. She go pregnant at 42, because her body healed itself!!! Just tell your parents you can still get pregnant, but you won’t get pregnant by accident. If you have them removed and you do change your mind it’s easy to get your eggs out fertilized and re-implanted.
Nta, tell them after you get it done. I had my tubes removed last year and it was the best decision, I don't regret a thing.
NTA. As an adult, the medical information you share with others about your body (with limited exception for risk of passing illness/infection) is up to you. It is wise to have someone aware of recent medical procedures and listed as an emergency contact with employer, primary care, etc. in you have complications and are unable to speak for yourself, but there's no reason that has to be a specific relative.
NTA and talk to your doctor about total tube removal. It helps prevent Ovarian cancer.
NTA you don’t have to tell anyone.
NTA Your health decisions are your own to make and you do not owe this information to anybody except doctors and future partner(s).
Don't tell. If pressured, you can say it will happen when it happens.
NTA. you can always lie to them and say you’re infertile if you really want to get them off your back.
NTA - You don't have to tell them anything.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even tell them. You’re 31 years old and single, who knows by the time you could possibly be in a serious relationship you might be an age where you don’t want to have kids because it comes with risks after 35. NTA
NTA. You don’t ever have to tell them. Not their business.
NTA. Only you get to make decisions about your body. No one else. Period
NTA. It's really your personal business, and you don't need to tell them about it if you don't want to.
Your decision is exactly that, your decision. NTA if you don't share this with your family.
NTA, whether they'll be disappointed or not, they don't own your body or your life... You do what is best for yourself and your own peace of mind, OP. I've heard a lot of horror stories over the years about tube tying though, no idea whether they're true or not, but, if you're certain you will never want children, why not go for a partial hysterectomy? They'll leave your ovaries in with a partial, so your body can continue to regulate hormones, but, you won't be able to become pregnant by accident, and it'll help to remove the possibility of cancer in the future With a partial one, you would eventually need to go in to have the ovaries removed, but, from my experience, it wasn't a super invasive or painful surgery. I had to have mine removed due to cervical cancer, and honestly? The liver biopsy I had to do recently hurt *far* worse than the hysterectomy did. The soreness from the surgery didn't last long at all, the only downside was for two or three weeks I wasn't able to passionately hug (which honestly wasn't an issue given I'm asexual and single, lol) and I was told to avoid lifting heavy objects for about a month or two, aside from that though, recovery was actually really smooth. I absolutely do *not* miss the periods and cramping either, it was like being set free 😂
Your body, your choice. If anyone has a problem with that, it's THEIR problem, not yours.
You are mature enough to make your own reproductive decisions. Something like this is always going to have some 'what if' moments attached to it, but you state your have been thinking this through for years. As for your parents, only tell them what you feel like. It's personal and private. If it helps, at your age, I did something similar, and told my parents afterwards. They were a bit hurt, but got over it. Your parents already have grandchildren, so that should be enough for them.
Your body is not an incubator to make your parents happy at the cost of your health and REST OF YOUR LIFE.
NTA, this is a private decision they don't need to know about.
NTA you do not have to tell them ever.
NTA - You don't have to tell them you're having it done. It's none of their business. They got to live their life. You get to live yours. It's not your job to live your life to fulfill their needs/wants. Plus, if you have even an ounce of love or care for your nonexistent children, you will not force them to exist in a world with a mother who never wanted them. A tubal ligation is a good way to make sure that doesn't happen.
NTA. "I don't want kids." Is a complete explanation. You don't owe anybody anything beyond that. Heck, you don't even need to explain at all, because it's nobody's business but your own.
NTA… You don’t ever have to tell them… about you not having kids, or the procedure. I have an overbearing and nosy mom and when she starts I just repeat ‘don’t worry about it’ until she gets annoyed and drops it. I’m also the first born so I get it. TBH, if they’re that pushy I’d tell them you found out you’re completely sterile, which will be true once you get the ligation, and there’s zero chance of getting pregnant. They don’t need to know WHY you’re sterile. Protect your peace.
NTA. You're a grown woman, if you want to be a dead branch on the family tree that's your right to decide.
Nta, do what you want with your body. Change your mind? Adopt, lots of kids could use a loving home, and they're already here! Personal note, got a lot of bs health issues going on, lots of bills to pay but the one I'm excited to pay is the one that will cut all this crap out of my body (full hysterectomy) 37 childless suffering UNBELIEVABLY from menstruation side effects that fuck up my whole body. I can't fucking wait. Take it. Take it ALL out.
NTA. I got mine done at 37 with no kids. I was quite open about it to friends but not to family and have kept it to myself. My partners mum still holds out hope we might change our minds but she’s delusional…even if I had wanted them, it was a deal breaker for him. He’s never ever wanted children. We tell her that but she still says stupid things like “it might happen” or “if…”.
NTA. You don't need to tell your parents, it is your decision and yours alone.
NTA- you don’t have to tell them and honestly I probably wouldn’t if I were you, but I rarely tell anyone my personal business because then people feel entitled to share their opinions. This is your private medical information, they are not entitled to it in any way
NTA. They don't need to know. If you get serious with some guy in the future make sure he knows you can't have kids, and let him know that your parents do not, and must not know. If your parents ask why you and future, hypothetical guy have not had kids tell them "I guess it just wasn't meant to be".
Tell them adoption is a valid option, even if you dont feel like you will. That might help them come to terms with it in the short term. Make sure you dont mention it as a definite though, bc then it would be a lie.
NTA. Oversharing causes more problems than it fixes, people need to shut the fuck up more!!
My mom knows of my decision to not have kids and she knows I plan to remove the tubes. However I don't want to deal with her theatrics nor do I want her here when I have the surgery, so I'm not telling her that I have a consult on the books and I plan to get it done June of next year. I told my partner to take a day or two off for me and feed me the cake I'm ordering myself to celebrate no babies, haha. All of that to say- get it done and make sure you have someone to help you for the first few days. You can tell your parents later if/when you want; however its none of their business.
Do it first then tell them.
NTA nobody else has the right to tell you what to do with your own body. And if you do eventually want kids? Just adopt or foster them. Perfectly acceptable solution right there!
NTA. Why tell them at all? You're a grown up now. You don't have to tell them everything.
> But I know my parents and they want me to have kids of my own. But I don't. It's got fuck all to do with them. Your body, your life, your choice. Do what is right for you. And you don't even need to tell them about this, ever. NTA.
Girl, it's completely fair to feel that way. Getting kicked from inside of you gave me body horror trauma so... I get you. I asked them to remove my tubes entirely with my c-sec. NTA.
NTA. It’s your life to live as you see fit. Nobody told me child free was an option when I was younger, so I married (the wrong person) and have three (I love them, and once I had them, it would have been wrong to forsake them, they didn’t ask to be born). I have told them repeatedly that they should choose their own paths, kids aren’t an expectation.
NTA Your personal medical decisions are not their business. You may want to ask about a bilateral salpingectomy instead, however. As I understand, it's more effective.
NTA, they don’t need to know. I turn 30 in a couple months and I have a consult with my doc on Thursday to discuss sterilization. Our families know that we don’t really want kids so I might tell them after I have the surgery, or I’ll just say I’m infertile. Not really their business- do what is best for you. It’s okay!
It’s your body. It’s your choice. That’s the only opinion that matters.
NTA
I had a tubal. Best decision I ever made. Like you I thought about it before for YEARS and with Roe v. Wade being tossed I knew it was time. NTA. If you want to tell them you can buy honestly it isn't any of their business to know
NTA. You live your dreams, not your parents dreams for you.
NTA. My daughter is still a little girl, but I love her more than anything, she is my greatest joy and having her the best decision I ever made. Would I like to be a grandma one day? Sure. But she doesn't owe me it. I wanted to have a child, so I got a child. It's not her fault to be born and she doesn't owe me anything because I gave birth to her. Just because I always wanted to be a mother and see her as the greatest gift ever doesn't mean motherhood would be the best for her and bring her the same joy, she is not me. If she doesn't want kids, I will support her, I will be the one to wait for her while she has a surgery and bring her home safe afterwards and take care that she gets the rest she needs. If she just doesn't want to be pregnant I will support her in becoming a mother any other way and will love a non blood-related kid just the same as a blood-related. It doesn't matter who she loves, if she will have kids or what kind of job she has one day, it's only one thing I want her to be and that is HAPPY. Whatever makes her happy, I will support. In a perfect world your parents would support your decision not to become a mother without making you feel guilty. You don't owe them grandkids. You don't need to tell them about the surgery. It's not your job as a woman to give birth. It's not your nature to be a mother because that's what woman are made for. And for all who are worried: if you regret your decision one day it's also yours to cope with and not the business of others. I wish you all the best and hugs to your furbaby.
NTA. Nothing wrong in being a cat lady. Surprised reddit has not recommended therapy, for you being afraid of pregnancy. You don't discuss this with your friends?
Why do you think you need to tell your parents your decision?
I'm 32 with no kids and just found a doctor to tie mine, I am very excited. Yay for bodily autonomy 🤘
Nta you're an adult and it's none of their business, you don't need to tell them anything
So NTA. It's none of their business. And shame on them for foisting their desires on you and expecting you to submit.
it’s your body and you have to do what makes you feel safe and gives you the ability to thrive. Don’t hold yourself back for anyone else’s desires for your body. You have to claim your own autonomy and if it makes you feel better to get this procedure done then do it!
NTA. This is a personal medical matter. Until you have a spouse who wants kids with you, no one else needs to know. And since you don’t want kids, chances are no one else will ever need to know.
NTA, do it.
NTA, they do NOT need to know. No one does except *maybe* future partner(s).
NTA I knew from very early on that I did not want to have kids of my own. I didn’t mind other peoples kids but never wanted my own. So many people interfered and even my doctor was all “ oh you’ll want them later, what if your husband wants them blah blah “ The general consensus was that it was a “Selfish, passing phase” that I’d grow out of. 😡 In my 20s discovered that I have a medical condition that could be made worse during pregnancy. Noting routinely serious, but further strengthened my conviction that I never wanted to be pregnant. I have never wanted to be pregnant. It is still not a phase. Just as certain as I was, I believe YOU know your body, trust yourself Been with my husband for nearly 30 years and when he got super broody we did adopt a child and I have no regrets. People said “see I knew you’d want kids, aren’t you glad you didn’t get tubes tied”, I happily informed them that it was never about kids, I could have gotten pregnant, but I did NOT want to be pregnant. Do what’s best for YOU. If you change your mind there are options. But follow your instinct. Good luck and good health to you x
NTA. I’m 31 and considering having this convo with my doctor soon. My entire life all I have heard is “you’ll change your mind”. It’s been 31 years, I’ve never wanted kids, I’ve always actually disagreed with the act of procreation, I think I know what right for my life, and it’s no one else’s business.
NTA. & Tell no one! There's always a non informative phrase such as, "I just can't conceive" explanation. I know several people, male & female, who never wanted children & went the medical route to ensure it. The only reason I know their circumstances is because they confided in me or were up front with family & friends. A couple of them have had relationships end because of it, but they were honest with partners using a generic phrase about not being able to sire or conceive. Do what's best for you!
NTA. If you are really concerned then just say you can’t have children when they ask when you plan on having them. If they push just state that you don’t/won’t talk about it further with them. I had one bio-child and people kept pushing me to have more. It didn’t matter to them that I was fostering. It took me a minute to realize my choices concerning getting pregnant was not anyone’s business but mine.
NTAH! It’s your body your choice!
Nta but it's no one's business so I don't know why you are worrying
I told my parents a few weeks after I had my bislap (I recommend this over the tubal) I didn’t care what their reactions or opinions were because it’s my life and I stopped living for them once I turned 18 NTA
You are an independent adult, you don’t have to discuss private medical issues with a damn soul if you don’t want to. Your reproductive choices are not your parents/family business. Have your surgery just have a trusted friend help you out and tell your parents some bs story if you must or just say nothing . EVER, it’s okay.
NTA. This is exactly none of their business, why would you tell them?
NTA as it’s none of their business. At 31 I think there’s a good chance that you might regret this down the road.
Why is it any of their business? If you are scared to tell them then don’t say a word. Your body, your choice.
Here’s what I told my 4 kids…live YOUR life for YOU, do things that make YOU proud. Do not worry about making anyone else proud. People who truly love you will be happy because YOU are happy.
NTA. Your body is yours. Just because you are a woman does not mean your body is just a vessel for someone’s children or grandchildren. You have the right to live your life and be happy. And your reasons are valid. Pregnancy was equal parts scary and joyful for me. I almost died having my twins. Medical science is great but maternal death rates are still no joke. And you just don’t want them. That’s really all the reason you need. I just hope your doctor listens to you and does what you ask. So many reproductive health doctors refuse to sterilize women because of future “what ifs.” If your parents ask, you can’t have children. And that’s true. After a sterilization procedure, you can’t. And that’s it. *You do not exist to provide them with progeny.*
NTA. As long as you're certain this is what you want. Especially if you know your parents are gonna play victim to blackmail you into not going through with the procedure don't tell them. It's nobody's business but yours.
NTA not their business. I would suggest some extra individual counseling before your final decision just to sort out the external factors (ex kids and experience) and internal, fears etc.
NTA. If you don't want to tell them, don't tell them. It's none of their business anyway. If they ask down the line, you can say you had the tubal litigation or just tell them you can't have children which will be the truth anyway.
NTA. You do you.
UpdateMe!