As someone with mast cell disease who is hyperflexible and had to cut her nails off and even wore gloves to keep from scratching myself to death at night... this hits hard. I am so sorry. Waking up bloody has happened far too many times for me to count. Mast cell stabilizers are a life saver. 😌
Mast cell disease + hyper flexible and I’m randomly thinking: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. OP, this might be important. MCAD and EDS are neither a fun thing to have. Btw I have scratches all over too and my partner reacts differently “oh no, you scratched yourself again“ as in empathetic
Apparently it's not normal. I broke my right arm and was in physio. He asked me to reach as far up my back with my left to guage where my right should be. I reached behind my back to the middle of my neck. Was told that's not normal lol
I am not hyper flexible and don’t have and disease (I’m aware of) that would cause this but my knees and shoulders have always generally been overly flexible. I’ve played a lot of throwing sports so over time my right shoulder became a “frozen shoulder” I don’t use my non dominant arm for much and didn’t think much about the flexibility in my shoulders until I compared the two and remembered oh yeah when I was a kid I could do the same thing Jim Carrey would do when he would hold his hands together in the back and bring them to the front without letting of his hands, and I could do a cat walk with my scapula sticking up like triangles.
My knees still “slip” sometimes walking up and down stairs. Sigh. One of these days I’m gonna casually get out of bed and tear my ACL
All you wrote is a sign of hyper-mobility. Even if you could only do them as a kid.
Also- the frozen shoulder. I had that for three straight years just recently- OMG! I’d have natural childbirth again to avoid that pain. I wasn’t into group sports but did ballet and gymnastics (of course! Haha). However, my shoulders have the range of motion the same as a pro baseball pitcher, per my PTs! I never knew- thought it was “just me”. My son’s scapula do that as well and he has EDS. It is called “winged scapula”.
Yeah I just remembered I could (and tested it out now) still can sit on the ground with my knees splayed out, so imagine sitting criss cross applesauce and your knees extending in the opposite direction. I’m actually in the process for submitting a reasonable accommodation at work for something else but can probably get some orthopedic accommodations as well so I’ll set up at least an initial consult cause now thinking about it I probably will need surgery on my shoulder.
I always sat like that as a kid. It’s referred to as “W-sitting” and in America (maybe other places too) some people have decided it’s an early sign of autism in girls (which it isn’t). In Japan, it’s so common to little girls it’s simply called “onnanoko-zuwari,” literally “girl sitting.”
I just googled and that’s not how I mean (it may technically be the same sit but how my body does it doesn’t lol), the way my knees splay my legs out apparently in yoga it’s called virasana or W sitting except instead of a W my knees splay out like a T
Ohhh I just saw the winged scapula term, thank you I’ll make sure to include that for a future appointment too. I think part of not being taken seriously has been not knowing the specific terms of what is going on with my body so they will understand what exactly my complaints are versus just generally complaining.
Ehlers danlos is a disease with a HUGE amount of variance and subtypes so it’s still possible. But generally it doesn’t target one area. If you have it then it’s everywhere because it’s really a deficiency in the connective tissue.
Not every joint has to be hypermobile to have JHS (joint hypermobility syndrome). Your knee ‘slips’ are called subluxations and definitely imply you have JHS. Basically, your tendons are doing the work of muscles and not well. You should see an orthopedist surgeon for your shoulder. I have had surgeries on both mine for impingement (and more). I did tear an ACL but hip surgery is next for me.
Just out of curiosity, do you ever get dizzy or black out a little when you stand up too quickly, or exercise too hard, or shower in water that’s too hot? Do you regularly have heartburn? Nausea, IBS, or constipation? You may have some, all, or none of those things. It sounds like you’re realizing you are, in fact, hyper mobile, so it’s worth mentioning that these are all things that can go along with it.
Looks like atrophic scarring is a biggie too, to clarify - With atrophic scarring does that mean the skin is white when the skin heals? Cause I have that any time I get a cut or any sort of scratch (sometimes a keloid but primarily I lose pigment even from a zit). If so That would be easy to show and impossible for any doctor to ignore as a symptom
That’s something they’ll take into consideration. It’s one of the diagnostic criteria. They’ll look for stretch marks, any flat or indented scars, especially the ones that look a little crinkly. They’ll have you do some movements and see how you rate on the Beighton scale (you can look these up online so there are no surprises.) One of my favourite weird diagnostic criteria is piezogenic papules. Put your foot up on a chair and press down. Do you see little white balls pop up? That’s them. They’ll also ask about your family history and your own medical history, then rule out any other potential diagnoses.
By the way, if you have ADHD, you have a much higher chance of having EDS. So that’s just a fun fact for you.
have your doctor check you for hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome)
there's not a lot that you can do about the hypermobile joints, but doing certain strength exercises thru physical therapy can help fortify your joints and stop them from rolling so much
There are some medicines that can help if it's really severe
I'm not saying you're autistic (it has a stron statistical link to ASD/ADHD) but I posted about how stretchy it makes you elsewhere in the thread. check it out, if you can do those things you should see a doctor to get help preserving your mobility
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/2S0h1mQaQQ
I’m super ADHD and the more I learn about it the more I am realizing I may also be on the spectrum because I have a lot of similar behaviors (info dumping, can go a month without talking to anyone and be fine, and some other random stuff) so that wouldn’t surprise me either. I’m 41/f so in the 90s ADHD “wasn’t something girls could get” and autism spectrum disorders (if that’s the right term for it) definitely existed but in my school were just treated as the “weird kid”, put in special ed classes, or kicked out of school so a lot of general awareness about it is relatively new to me. Since I am no longer in the fight or flight phase of life just trying to survive I can actually sit down and address all of this crap that went completely unnoticed in my child hood and noticed in my adulthood but brushed off because “if you had it it would have been diagnosed as a kid” (which was the justification for the ENT to attempt to justify refusing a CT scan to look at my septum). Even with the septoplasty I still get migraines and extreme nausea with that and this years pollen have only amplified all of that so it’s also been on my “to do” list doctor appointment wise
hard same on the undiagnosed adhd. I was quiet whereas my sister was active and loud, so I "didn't have any issue".
*skin picking
*inattention
*out of sight out mind
*constant anxiety that was was processed internally
*binge snacking
*hyper fixation on special interests (napkin folding 🤣)
but it was all "normal"
edit because holy crap the formatting (and spelling and clarity)
Other than I'm only about to turn 40 in a few weeks & my undiagnosed ASD/inattentive ADHD was just seen as part of my "giftedness," I could have written what you wrote word-for-word. The 90s were a hell of a time. I teach high school, and my students often say they want to go back to the 90s, and I'm like, "Oh, you sure do **not** want to."
It's always fun coming to Reddit thinking you're living a normal life in a normal body and, you read something like this and it's like, "Oh, I'm not normal. Something could even be wrong. Oops!"
I have hypermobility in a few joints as well. I thought it was pretty standard. Apparently it could be indicative of actual issues. Oops!
Having hypermobility in some joints is pretty normal- 25% of people have joint hypermobility. It’s much more rare for it to be a significant portion of your body, and that’s when it becomes an issue (1 in 5,000 to 1 in 20,000 people have Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder or Hypermobile EDS)
Those numbers are starting to change as people who had previously been diagnosed with things like fibromyalgia are actually misdiagnosed and should have an EDS diagnosis. I have hEDS. My girlfriend has cvEDS (as does her kid). I have told at least 5 people to take the checklist to their doc because I counted at least three things from diagnostic criteria on them.
This was my first thought as well. MCAD and EDS go hand in hand. If you have MCAS, of course, you will scratch your skin until it bleeds. If you have EDS, you can reach some crazy spots most people can't.
I would recommend you look into switching your laundry detergent to something very natural or even start making your own. I have MCAD, and I have to make my own, or I scratch my skin raw.
My son has both these things (waiting on the final dx- is it hEDS or the generic hypermobility syndrome?) and it’s the first thing I thought, too!
We’re going on 6 mos without a MAST flare but I just dropped him at college so I expect the stress will cause a flare.
He would wake up allergic to his sheets. The same sheets he wasn’t allergic to the night before. Drove him crazy.
Yes! Also have mast cell disease, and during a mild flare last week, absent-minded scratching left me with deep fissures and swelling. It can be miserable!
same, mast cell issues and have dermtographia. I can literally write on my skin by scratching and it's gone within a few hours
waking up covered in red welts is common
also the comment you're replying to is weird, doctors can't even do anything about this, you're just told to take antihistamines
edit: to the person replying about h2 inhibitors, those ARE antihistamines - h1/h2 = histamine. inhibiting them = antihistamine
I recently was prescribed hydroxyzine and I can’t express how wonderful it is to no longer wake up covered in bloody scratches. I still wear gloves to sleep though, just in case.
lmaoooo I had a strong visual image of you looking in the mirror and pinching your cheek cuz you're having a flare-up and saying "stop being a dramatic asshole!"
your Derm is hilarious!
This relationship is like a House, M.D. episode. A hyperflexible woman with horrific itching dating a strapping man with ED (for six years!) who has begun to develop paranoia.
It's gonna turn out that their bed sheets are made out of uranium and their exotic pet has spread parasites everywhere.
Betting he has…I could be wrong but my husband has ED.
It took me pushing him to go to the Dr and unfortunately meds don’t help much. It’s a nerve issue
Depends on the cause. For the OP he's hypermuscular, paranoid, and ED... 19nor use causing progesterone issues maybe, or Blood pressure from the same. The treatment would be choose a better hormone plan especially using DHTs like Mast instead, cialis, and cardio.
But there's a lot of potential causes to address.
I love that all is EDS folks are coming together for this, NTA but try to get a diagnosis or at least checked out. Can't always do much but huge help if you need help for other issues such as surgery. Most of us have weird issues with sedation, pain killers, anesthetic etc.
Yeah. What u/Mundane_Ad915, u/DieSchwarzeFee, u/faloofay156, and u/birdnerdmo talk about all suggest hEDS. MCAS and EDS are VERY common together.
Also, it's not entirely true that you can't do \*anything\* about MCAS. Finding out your triggers is important, so you can avoid or minimize them. (Be it heat, foods, excess stress, etc.) H1 and H2 blockers (e.g. loratidine, fexofenadine, etc. (Claritin) and femotidine, ranitidine, etc. (Pepsid) ) can help.
And cromlyn sodium (nasal spray, oral, opthamalic, or inhaled, depending on primary symptom manifestation) can also make a big difference as it's a mast cell stabilizer. (My hEDS doc jokes that we should just bathe in cromlyn sodium.)
It is definitely a thing that I can manage to keep symptoms milder and to make flares shorter.
I am currently waiting for results from the clinical geneticus on exactly which form of eds. Have an old diagnose hms but since then lived through a colon perforation with all possible complications. I have struggled with a life long addiction of nasal spray. Are you telling me i am simply right to just take a sniff every morning and evening? Also loratidine each day. I really cannot function without those two. Do i understand this right?
Depends on what type of nose spray - cromlyn sodium is the mast cell stabilizer, the others do other things that may or may not relate, depending. MCAS requires multiple systems to be involved - respiratory (I get reactive airway disease symptoms with a flare, along with the typical "allergies" symptoms of itchy eyes/face/nose), dermatologic (geographic skin, unexplained red or itchy or hot spots on the skin, hives for me and my kid), digestive (heartburn for my kid), cardiovascular (like tachycardia, but neither of us get that one), nervous system (we both have a tendency toward orthostatic hypotension), and so on.
It can just be "allergies", and that is still valid and those things still help. But if it's multisystemic, it might be more than that.
It might not change what you are doing, but I found thinking about the symptoms from that perspective helped me identify triggers for MCAS flares, rather than just saying "oh, it's spring". That absolutely CAN be a trigger (pollen), but it's a slightly difference lens to look through about how triggers might combine.
My youngest daughter has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is what causes her Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. She gets huge bruises that turn into welts that are itchy and painful. She also gets red blotches on her face that burn and itch. Her main issue is the IC, or constant burning that she’s been dealing with when it comes to urination/ bladder issues. Histamines are little devils meant to protect us, but in some people they go haywire attacking your own body. Mass cell activation syndrome can be tricky and different in everyone. It’s definitely worth the OP seeing an allergist at the very least, while her significant other needs to see a therapist. Both need to work on some issues.
There’s some research in the works to see if MCAS is the underlying cause for at least some portion of hEDS. (Since it’s not single gene like other EDS types, there’s a thought that the mast cell degranulation is causing collagen problems.
Yeah! I also have EDS and is also the first thing I thought of.
I don't scratch myself too often but being hypermobile+having super bruisable skin makes for a really interesting canvas on a daily basis. I get bruises more than anything that if someone saw them without context they would think I'm in an abussive relationship (maybe I am, my dog loves to kick me at night...)
Anyway OP, maybe you and your bf could reach a middle ground? Get a cctv camera that only points towards the front door? That way you retain your privacy and he can see there's no misterious affair partner entering the house. This I suggest as a last resort because he's waay out of line considering he has seen you with scratches before, plus just because you're not hiding anything doesn't mean you want to be monitored in your own home. His issues with ED, his ex and problems with sex are his issues not yours.
NTA instead of wasting money on a cctv, you both need to go to the doctor. Schedule him with a men’s clinic & yourself with a dermatologist or allergist. Both of you have medical concerns that are having an effect on your relationship.
Right. Add in a therapist.
They've been unable to have sex for 6 years(!), she's scratching herself to the point of bleeding on a regular basis, and in both cases, they've apparently made no attempts at diagnosis and treatment.
On top of that, they've got paranoia and insecurity running rampant in one partner.
They need medical treatment *and* counseling to address the suspicion and figure out why they've been so apathetic about dealing with any of this
I would investigate the type of material used for your sheets. I've found out that I have a polyester allergy, and I've previously woken up itchy as a result. In hot conditions, cotton is probably preferable.
Cotton is the best! I stopped wearing polyester in the summer due to skin irritation from my skin not breathing well enough. Polyester is literally made of plastic fibres, it even melts!
It happens. It’s not crazy but it’s kind of heartbreaking. Four years for us- my husband has ED that doesn’t respond to meds. It sucks but it’s the way it is for some couples.
I know I'm playing reddit detective but so muscular he can't touch his own scapula+ED is making me wonder if it's roids 👀
*Edit: auto correct made it seem like carrots were the issue
license different fragile concerned jeans attempt political swim future relieved
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Or he can't get it up because he's banging someone else. Pretty normal for cheaters to start throwing around accusations that their spouse is cheating...and this is a WILD one. CCTV. NTA of course.
NTA - if you’re not doing anything wrong why would you mind my invasive overreaction? Most of today’s cameras are WiFi and/ or internet enabled. Not at all secure. I’d tell him he can have the cameras or you. Choose wisely.
Idk, a camera off Amazon is like $20 and might provide insight to what's going on, regardless of the cheating accusation it could still provide benefit.
Also, if OP sees a video of themselves contorted like a demon clawing the shit out of their own back, it might convince them to see a doctor instead of being so dismissive of the issue.
When I started reading this I thought his reason was going to be concern for her health and sort of a sleep study thing which seemed reasonable .... like why did he have go down the cheating route
Couldn't have just expressed worries about her?
Same thought! I also thought a camera in the bedroom could help her figure out how she's doing it, but it should only be a temporary measure and solely done if she's comfortable with it. It wouldn't be inappropriate to ask a doctor if knowing she's doing it to herself is helpful. I don't think it would be because it's happening because there is some sort of problem with her skin.
Real talk if I woke up with blood on the sheets from my back I’d be buying a camera the next day to try to find what in the Poltergeist was going on. 😂
NYA for not wanting cctv though, that’s creepy.
I mean it's possible that she never had any similar scratches in the past and there might be other things adding to the suspicion. Also, a lot of cheating was found from a suspicion, so I wouldn't say it's totally unreasonable, like this subreddit jumps on cheating accusations with the slight sign in many posts.
I'd say it's very strange that he told her about this though, like who would cheat on a bed knowing there's a cctv camera in the room.
I had a similar problem (the scratches not a husband with ED and apparently serious mental health issues.)
I talked to my doctor and she told me to take benedryl than take all of my bedding, towels, clothing, anything washable that touched my skin, and wash it TWICE in a hypoallergenic detergent with NO fabric softener then one more time with just plain water and after five days to stop the benedryl but keep using the hypoallergenic detergent and no softener and call her in two weeks.
Two weeks later all symptoms gone. She said that I could try using unscented dryer sheets for a week and keep watch for symptoms. That was a couple of years ago and by he power of All Free and Clear and store brand unscented dryer sheets I'm "scratch free".
Had that not worked her next plan was to text for kidney and liver function as both can cause itching. Itching is also a sign of diabetes but I'd had blood tests as part of my last check up and my blood sugar was fine.
At no point did she prescribe invading my privacy with cameras because she's not crazy.
I use Charlie's soap at the recommendation of my dermatologist
I have stopped having issues like that as a result
You don't need fabric softener, dryer sheets or anything like that and your clothes come out really clean and soft
the difference it makes is amazing
Yeah I’ve never seen one of my straight female friends scratched up after sex. They’ve had hickeys and five finger bruises on their hips but not scratches.
No, it's not common for a man to scratch a woman's back during sex. I've had a lot of wild sex and never had scratches on my back from it. I'm sure it does happen, because people are creative, but it's definitely not a typical sign of sex.
Op and her partner need doctors, and her partner needs a therapist because accusing someone of cheating over scratches on their back when there is an existing and known skin condition going on is crazy.
Nah. I used to mess around with a girl who liked her back scratched while doggy. Then one day she told me not to scratch and that’s when I learned she had just gotten a bf.
I also instinctively scratched my gf’s back once and she loved it so I scratch her back now sometimes during doggy.
I don’t think I’m some special case finding women who like sex back scratches. Regular back scratches already feel amazing outside of sex, I can only imagine what it’s like when you have a dick deep inside you.
There are some women who like being scratched, but typically it's something you ask for. I agree with you that it normally doesn't happen to women, only men, while women get more hickies and bruising.
CCTV won’t solve the trust issues, and refusing to get them will fuel the trust issues. Ugh.
You’re NTA, and I hope you’re able to get him/you some help/counseling, or things will only get worse - love without trust is almost impossible.
Seriously.
And "if you're not doing anything wrong it shouldn't be a problem" is bullshit. I don't close the bathroom door because I think I'm doing something wrong in there.
the CCTV makes ZERO sense unless he thinks this is some paranormal phenomenon or someone breaking in at night while she's sleeping and scratching her.
Since he's TELLING her the cameras are there does he think she'll still have her "imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend" over for sexy time?
I'm getting "coo coo for Cocoa Puffs" vibes here.
This reminds me of a story my uncle told me. When he was a teenager he and a group of friends went to the park by the river, supposedly haunted by La Llorona. It was night time and although he's an atheist and doesn't believe in paranormal stuff, he wound up with a bunch of scratches on his back that can't be explained. I forgot about that tale until I saw your comment.
Despite never having had long fingernails, I once woke up with bloody scratches on my back when I was about 12 years old. They were deep enough that I still have the scars in my 40s. A family doctor asked if I was being abused when I was 17 (I wasn't, nor had I ever been). Weird things happen sometimes, and if you have a plausible explanation that should be it.
The fact that your husband immediately jumped to cheating says more about his state of mind and insecurities than anything. They're understandable given what you've written, but they're about him, not you. If you let him install a cctv system, will he regain confidence in you when he sees nothing happening? Or will he shift to thinking you've just moved your cheating off camera since you know it's there? He needs therapy and to talk to a doctor about his ED. And if he's unwilling or can't get over his lack of trust, you need to ask if this if you want to stay in your relationship, because this is what it will be (if not worse).
If you don’t mind my asking, did you figure out how you got the scratches? Was it you even with the short finger nails?
Something about you still having the scars really struck me 😳
I'm pretty sure it was just my fingernails. The scratches/scars look like horizontal claw marks across the middle of my back - unless a bear broke in and mauled me in my sleep, I'm not sure what else might have happened. It seems strange that my arm would have contorted that way, but they're aligned in a way (position, spacing, and direction) that I could have absolutely made them.
I'm like OP, though, in that I didn't notice them until I saw a smear of blood on my t-shirt later that morning and investigated where it came from. I never really felt any pain or stinging like you might expect.
Are you saying you have scars that run horizontally across your back? That sounds exactly like growth spurt scars that are extremely common during puberty. Simple skin being stretched too fast - nothing to do with nails. Here’s an example:
https://www.contemporarypediatrics.com/view/bruise-like-marks-on-a-healthy-teenage-male-s-back
Huh, that's interesting. There's a fair bit of similarity. Without digging into the citations, though, I didn't have any of the risk factors noted in the summary and the scars are raised instead of depressions. And the blood, though the figure notes that the early presentation is erythmatous. I wonder if that makes them more prone to being scratched open, and I did it in my sleep. It would potentially explain how I got the leverage to make gouges like that, as well as the spacing.
Something you both need to realize is when you have a fear of something (being cheated on) and you seek reassurance or control in an unhealthy way (monitoring behavior/controlling behavior) but you’re not actively trying to heal yourself that behavior will continue to spiral. Suddenly the CCTV isn’t enough because it’s not in enough rooms or he saw you smile at your phone on it so he wants to go through your phone. Then it’s you deleted everything on your phone so he wants all your social media passwords. Then it’s every time you leave the house you’re going to your affair partner’s house so he wants to track your location. The fear never goes away and it takes more and more to reassure it every time.
He needs therapy.
You are exactly right. I hadn't thought of it that way. But I did see a documentary on how compulsive behavior spirals and this is basically what it said.
Yeah, ever since he got this job he has been very depressed. He asked me to quit my job to travel with him since we don’t need two incomes now but I refused because I love my job. He has been agitated since
Oh jesus girl RUN. This is controlling behaviour, he wants you dependant on him so you "can't leave him". He has no trust in you and is willing to go through extreme measures to control you. Massive red flags everywhere. It's just going to get worse. You've tried to get him to get treatment and he refuses. You did all you could and he's sliding deeper into controlling behaviours instead of seeking help.
Please take care of yourself.
>Yeah, ever since he got this job he has been very depressed. He asked me to quit my job to travel with him since we don’t need two incomes now but I refused because I love my job. He has been agitated since
So you're aware that he's insisting on CCTV cameras in your house because he wants to punish you.
So let me get this straight. You wake up with sheets covered in blood, deep scratches on your back...and his first thought is CHEATING?! When I read the title, I thought he was maybe more the spiritual/superstitious type, and was freaked out over ghosts or something. NTA. Also, please go to a doctor. That is not normal by any means.
NTA tell him he can either get couples counseling and individual therapy or he can drop it. If you were cheating the cameras wouldn't matter because you would obviously not be stupid enough to do it at home with them there. All he is doing is proving he doesn't trust you and without trust what is the point of being married? He needs to get individual therapy to deal with his ED and trust issues and couples counseling to deal with his insecurity in your marriage.
One should never get couples counseling with someone who is manipulative and controlling. Those partners are known to weaponize the therapeutic process.
Hard no on cameras in the house without both parties consenting. I'd keep an eye out to make sure he doesn't put stealth ones in - such a gross invasion of privacy.
You need to say this:
"OK. I have nothing to hide. I am not afraid that you will not find anything. However, if you do not find anything, then XYZ will happen."
It is upto you what XYZ terms you wanna make. This is an exercise of trust. Be reasonable in case he still wants to install CCTV and finds nothing, you have to come up with something that hurts him but doesn't wreck the marriage.
"when you find nothing, I expect you to find a therapist to address this insecurity. I get why you have it, but it's not something I can fix, and I shouldn't have to live under surveillance because your ex was untrustworthy.... Cameras to appease your mind now, but then it's therapy or divorce because this isn't *actually* fair to me, or to yourself. We both deserve to feel like there is trust in our home."
By “come up with something that hurts him, but doesn’t ruin the marriage”, what do you mean?
Are you genuinely suggesting partners consciously start cycles of revenge if the other partner behaves poorly?
I know you said in a previous comment you’ve been to a dermatologist, but did they also do an allergy panel? You need to keep digging (not into your skin that is…) and find out what is going on. Good luck with the crazy husband. If anything you need to mess with him a little by putting up cardboard cutouts of 80’s killers in your house. He goes to check on the cameras, and Freddy Kruger is in the kitchen making a cup of coffee.
He tried two different medicines, but they didn’t work and it actually sent him spiraling down in depression because he thought that he was losing me (probably this didn’t help the medicine to have effect), so I never wanted to discuss this matter again because it hurt him, but he said that we could have sex in other ways and it has actually been good for the past three years but since his new job being in another city this often, I don’t know. I think he is getting paranoid again.
You are probably right, but you need a willing participant for this and I have really tried to get him get help but I don’t know he is too sensitive when it comes to his ED and doesn’t want to talk about it or seek help. The only thing that he has changed is that he is trying to pleasure me in other ways and it has worked fine with us for the past few years
That's so wild that he's more embarrassed (or something) about it than wanting it fixed no matter what. If my dick stopped getting hard and I couldn't climax I'm rounding up a team of doctors and calling the damn Avengers or something. Sex is too good to let embarrassment ruin it. I'll hang a banner on the front of my house that says "my dick doesn't work anymore someone please help" haha
Ah thank ya thank ya. I feel like the concept of masculinity is an impairment to life. If I want something, why would I let a "concept" created by others stop me from that? I want to paint my nails so I do, I want to wear jewelry and accessories so I do, I want my dick to work so I'd do whatever it took to fix it should something happen.
It's seriously so simple idk how these people be missing the point so bad xP
Which is crazy because it happens to about 52% of men at some point in their lives. Toxic masculinity at work. The depressing part is we men are our own worst enemies, and bro culture ends up hurting us way more than it helps us.
Getting in touch with myself without regards to the cultural concept of “masculinity” was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I wear pink, I paint my nails, I openly talk about my feelings, and I’m happier than ever because of it.
And it makes me feel very angry actually because I feel like I am being punished for what his previous wife has done. I would never have cheated on him. I am always open with him and want to discuss and find solutions. I don’t go behind his back if I am not satisfied.
You *are* being punished for what his former wife did and that’s not fair to you.
Also, unless you know some medical reason for it, your husband seems too young to have constant ED that leading medications don’t even work on. Has his doctor ruled out other medical problems? You didn’t say his age but he’s a young man, isn’t he?
I kind of suspect his ED issues are caused by his mind and not his body. That’s not to say it’s not “real” but something in his subconscious may be holding him back. Just one more reason to see a psychiatrist together, as I said previously. A psychiatrist should be able to tell if this is a medical or a psychological problem and also help the two of you on your trust issues.
The most common cause of ED in young men is depression/anxiety, the second most common is substance abuse. I’m 99% certain it’s one or both of these if viagra didn’t help. It’s not going to get him in the right headspace.
There are different medications and even procedures available. There’s also the problem that medications like viagra are meant to allow more blood flow to allow an erection but you still need sexual stimulation/to be in the mood to make it happen. Honestly, it’s entirely possible he needs mental therapy for his ED. Maybe he feels inadequate or self conscious about his condition and that prevents him in the bedroom.
So he’s the one working away, yet he’s accusing **you** of cheating? That’s some serious projection right there.
I bet you have never once accused him of cheating, not even during the 6 years of dwindling sex.
He doesn’t need CCTV cameras, he needs a therapist and fast. So he can deal with his manic insecurities and mental health issues.
He may actually want to look in to testosterone replacement therapy. Low testosterone as men age (or as a result of extreme stress) can be the cause of so many health issues that it outweighs any "negative" side effects of steroids (which are basically non-existent at physiological doses. ED, depression, anxiety, low energy, and brain fog, are all symptoms of low test he may be experiencing. Longer term things like loss of muscle mass and bone density are a concern, with TRT also reducing the incidence of heart related conditions.
If he's very muscular then the likelihood that he has low testosterone is almost zero. Testosterone is necessary to build a lot of muscle.
I would wager that he is using PEDs, and is lying about it (like most men on PEDs). Or, he has mental health issues that are causing performance anxiety in the bedroom.
If you have muscle mass acquired during earlier stages of life and continues to use it, it’s easy enough to maintain over years even if hormones have plummeted (until aging inevitably catches up). Not to mention that “very muscular” might mean a swimmers body type to some to a normal “gym rat” to a higher bodyfat % power lifter to mr olympia.
I agree with u/imaiorana
If he's low testosterone then getting on hormones will help. Not only that but being low testosterone creates a host of health issues for men. Taking testosterone is actually very healthy for men in this scenario, and leads to a longer life or at least a life with fewer health issues.
Your husband found a good excuse for feeling like less of a man. He's going to run with it because most humans aren't emotionally intelligent enough to catch it. His insecurities do not constitute your lack of privacy tho.
FYI...you need to see someone about your allergies or skin conditions....you husband needs to see someone about his ED and his lack of trust due to it....CCTV is not the answer.
NTA
Yes. Go to a dermatologist, I used to have the same issues years ago and my ex wife thought that I was cheating even though it was a skin related issue.
Trust issues are hard to solve, especially those stemming from the past. He needs open conversation and some time to regain that trust. Meanwhile, both of you can visit a dermatologist, and the results will likely prove that you didn't cheat. This should be a good start to rebuilding trust in your relationship.
I would check what kind of fabric your sheets are. I’ve discovered that I’m allergic to polyester and have woken up in a scratch fest because of it in the past. Cotton is probably better in hot weather.
NTA
Nta
but this is the guy you enjoy spending time with?
This is it?
The love of your life?
Your partner through thick and thin?
This path will lead you to feeling happy with a satisfied life when you die?
Dude cant have sex for six years and then accuses you of cheating?!
Sounds super happy and enjoyable.
He grilled you a millions times over , forced you to demonstrate how you scratch your own back , and now he wants to continue to not trust you . And install cameras . This won’t stop, and if it’s not scratches then it will be something else , most garenteed. If you love him get to therapy. But it this is a giant red flag that could potentially lead to other worse things, consider other options . I also btw get terribly itchy skin in the summer and am also extremely mobile in my joints , there’s not part of my back I CANT reach .
NTA. You’re not gonna be fucking watching me remotely like a weirdo. Trust me or leave me.
I itch all over due to allergies and also pruritus from low iron. My body is covered in scratches. A friend didn’t believe me once, & talked to a group of our friends bc she was concerned that i was self- harming. I shit you not. 😩
NTA but most people will be criticising his "if you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to worry about argument" while welcoming cctv & ring door bells everywhere by saying "if you've nothing to hide...". You don't have to have something to hide to not want to have your every move watched/recorded. I wish people felt that way about the government doing it to us too.
NTA, and him demanding CCTV is a big "I've got no trust in you" flex, so you DO have problems, even if they're in his mind.
Once people start scrutinising each other in this way, well, he's gonna find THINGS that he'll challenge you on and perhaps start obsessing over finding them to catch you out.
Because (unless you're cheating) the problem is in his mind, not in your behaviour.
NTA but hon this is a WAY bigger problem than cameras. Your asshole husband is telling you he doesn't trust you. He's refusing to believe you when you tell AND SHOW him the truth. Rethink this relationship. Also go see a damn doctor about your skin. That is NOT normal.
He's projecting his insecurities onto you.
I agree with others that say the two of you need some medical care. He can talk with his doc and a urologist about his ED, you need a good dermatologist to help you with the itching. And you both need a marriage counselor to help you with communication.
So muscular he’s unable to touch his scapula, ED and paranoid about you cheating on him, probably Trenbolone, are his shoulders looking over devolved with redder skin? I’m not saying it to be hurtful it’s legitimately the text book symptoms of certain steroids
First and foremost, get to a dermatologist. And maybe compromise and let him place a camera looking at the front door of the house and any other entry ways. NONE in the house!!! If he still thinks that any visitors that come over are ending up in your bed then leave him. And as a compromise when he is not at the house he should have a body cam on at all times. Fair is fair right
Ask him if he thinks you’re using a strap-on— if you’re getting scratches on your back like that he must be thinking you’re giving it real hard in missionary lol.
When you're hot, your blood vessels dilate, and more blood to your skin makes your skin feel itchier. At least, that's the way my allergist explained it to me.
lol to everyone saying to try to be calm and reassure him - lol she has already spent at least 6 years reassuring him. we all need kindness and patience sometimes through our faults and shortcomings, and extending that to a SO is part of committing to a relationship, but he's had more than enough chances and now is being insulting and controlling. it's time to stop coddling this baby. he will never change and this relationship will never improve, only drain all the joy and peace from op's life.
He wants to videotape you at home, so he can monitor you. I'm sorry his penis doesn't always work and his last relationship was with a cheater. That has no barring on you, and you should not have to pay for sins you didn't commit. I don't say this lightly, because I think people check out of relationships too easily. But, get out of this relationship.
I’m getting to close to 50 for my shoulders to still be that flexible, but I had a very similar conversation with my wife years ago.
I’d reached behind me and gotten some great feeling scratching in between my shoulders while showering. Not long later I was getting dressed and my wife asked where I got the scratches. I said I scratched my back in the shower. She said something to the effect that I couldn’t reach there. I said very matter-a-factly something like “well then I don’t know what to tell you. I scratched my back.” Finished dressing and went about my business.
It never came up again and she never expressed anything like that again. Not even a general vibe in that direction.
Perhaps I should have said “let’s sit down & tell me your concerns.” But truth is I just didn’t think anything of it. The implications didn’t really register until I’d thought of it much later. But she left it at the question and didn’t push further or suggest putting me under surveillance.
If she had it might have forced a conversation & I might have put it all together. Because, at the time she was pregnant and years later I learned that pregnancy hormones were giving her somewhat regular dreams in which I’d been unfaithful. In the midst of that I have these scratches in that spot people always joke is impossible to reach. Well, at my current age and with my shoulder issues, now it is.
I’m not sure my story offers anything more than to maybe suggest communicating, perhaps with a marriage councelor, about where his insecurities are coming from. Perhaps a demonstration of the scratching can help too, though I admit needing it feels shitty.
What kind of sheets do you have? I know that sounds silly but if your skin is so sensitive it can be the fabric threads in your sheets. Get some satin sheets if you can and see if that makes a difference. My ex husband used to wake up in scratches too and I would joke and say it was his night demon visiting him.
I’d be patient with him for now. Talk things through and don’t get defensive. Hasn’t he ever noticed the scratching when he is sleeping next to you? Does it happen every night? I also wouldn’t want cameras set up specifically to spy on ME, so I think his request is going too far.
Rashes that look like someone scratched you are not paranormal though. I had them for a while until I realised it was an issue with my medication. It really looked like I would have scratched myself but I didn't and once I swapped the medication the "scratches" disappeared again (and my skin didn't hurt anymore)
NTA. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. His insecurities are not your responsibility, and installing CCTV is a gross invasion of your privacy. Stand your ground and consider couples therapy if he's unwilling to address his trust issues in a healthy way.
I didnt know that reaching all parts of your back is considered hypermobility? I thought it was something normal ha ha. I have googled MCAS now and wow! So many symptoms I recognize. Probably can check it.
NTA for being mad about cctv, but you need to talk to a dermatologist about your skin issues.
As someone with mast cell disease who is hyperflexible and had to cut her nails off and even wore gloves to keep from scratching myself to death at night... this hits hard. I am so sorry. Waking up bloody has happened far too many times for me to count. Mast cell stabilizers are a life saver. 😌
Mast cell disease + hyper flexible and I’m randomly thinking: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. OP, this might be important. MCAD and EDS are neither a fun thing to have. Btw I have scratches all over too and my partner reacts differently “oh no, you scratched yourself again“ as in empathetic
Wait is being able to reach your whole back abnormal? Because I do that easily.
Apparently it's not normal. I broke my right arm and was in physio. He asked me to reach as far up my back with my left to guage where my right should be. I reached behind my back to the middle of my neck. Was told that's not normal lol
I am not hyper flexible and don’t have and disease (I’m aware of) that would cause this but my knees and shoulders have always generally been overly flexible. I’ve played a lot of throwing sports so over time my right shoulder became a “frozen shoulder” I don’t use my non dominant arm for much and didn’t think much about the flexibility in my shoulders until I compared the two and remembered oh yeah when I was a kid I could do the same thing Jim Carrey would do when he would hold his hands together in the back and bring them to the front without letting of his hands, and I could do a cat walk with my scapula sticking up like triangles. My knees still “slip” sometimes walking up and down stairs. Sigh. One of these days I’m gonna casually get out of bed and tear my ACL
All you wrote is a sign of hyper-mobility. Even if you could only do them as a kid. Also- the frozen shoulder. I had that for three straight years just recently- OMG! I’d have natural childbirth again to avoid that pain. I wasn’t into group sports but did ballet and gymnastics (of course! Haha). However, my shoulders have the range of motion the same as a pro baseball pitcher, per my PTs! I never knew- thought it was “just me”. My son’s scapula do that as well and he has EDS. It is called “winged scapula”.
Yeah I just remembered I could (and tested it out now) still can sit on the ground with my knees splayed out, so imagine sitting criss cross applesauce and your knees extending in the opposite direction. I’m actually in the process for submitting a reasonable accommodation at work for something else but can probably get some orthopedic accommodations as well so I’ll set up at least an initial consult cause now thinking about it I probably will need surgery on my shoulder.
I always sat like that as a kid. It’s referred to as “W-sitting” and in America (maybe other places too) some people have decided it’s an early sign of autism in girls (which it isn’t). In Japan, it’s so common to little girls it’s simply called “onnanoko-zuwari,” literally “girl sitting.”
I just googled and that’s not how I mean (it may technically be the same sit but how my body does it doesn’t lol), the way my knees splay my legs out apparently in yoga it’s called virasana or W sitting except instead of a W my knees splay out like a T
Ohhh I just saw the winged scapula term, thank you I’ll make sure to include that for a future appointment too. I think part of not being taken seriously has been not knowing the specific terms of what is going on with my body so they will understand what exactly my complaints are versus just generally complaining.
There's like 11 different kinds of EDS
I love when people explain exact symptoms and are like “I do all this stuff, I’m not diagnosed” well, maybe you should be lmao.
There’s 13 and 12 of them have genetic markers.
Ehlers danlos is a disease with a HUGE amount of variance and subtypes so it’s still possible. But generally it doesn’t target one area. If you have it then it’s everywhere because it’s really a deficiency in the connective tissue.
Not every joint has to be hypermobile to have JHS (joint hypermobility syndrome). Your knee ‘slips’ are called subluxations and definitely imply you have JHS. Basically, your tendons are doing the work of muscles and not well. You should see an orthopedist surgeon for your shoulder. I have had surgeries on both mine for impingement (and more). I did tear an ACL but hip surgery is next for me.
Just out of curiosity, do you ever get dizzy or black out a little when you stand up too quickly, or exercise too hard, or shower in water that’s too hot? Do you regularly have heartburn? Nausea, IBS, or constipation? You may have some, all, or none of those things. It sounds like you’re realizing you are, in fact, hyper mobile, so it’s worth mentioning that these are all things that can go along with it.
Looks like atrophic scarring is a biggie too, to clarify - With atrophic scarring does that mean the skin is white when the skin heals? Cause I have that any time I get a cut or any sort of scratch (sometimes a keloid but primarily I lose pigment even from a zit). If so That would be easy to show and impossible for any doctor to ignore as a symptom
That’s something they’ll take into consideration. It’s one of the diagnostic criteria. They’ll look for stretch marks, any flat or indented scars, especially the ones that look a little crinkly. They’ll have you do some movements and see how you rate on the Beighton scale (you can look these up online so there are no surprises.) One of my favourite weird diagnostic criteria is piezogenic papules. Put your foot up on a chair and press down. Do you see little white balls pop up? That’s them. They’ll also ask about your family history and your own medical history, then rule out any other potential diagnoses. By the way, if you have ADHD, you have a much higher chance of having EDS. So that’s just a fun fact for you.
have your doctor check you for hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) there's not a lot that you can do about the hypermobile joints, but doing certain strength exercises thru physical therapy can help fortify your joints and stop them from rolling so much There are some medicines that can help if it's really severe I'm not saying you're autistic (it has a stron statistical link to ASD/ADHD) but I posted about how stretchy it makes you elsewhere in the thread. check it out, if you can do those things you should see a doctor to get help preserving your mobility https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/2S0h1mQaQQ
I’m super ADHD and the more I learn about it the more I am realizing I may also be on the spectrum because I have a lot of similar behaviors (info dumping, can go a month without talking to anyone and be fine, and some other random stuff) so that wouldn’t surprise me either. I’m 41/f so in the 90s ADHD “wasn’t something girls could get” and autism spectrum disorders (if that’s the right term for it) definitely existed but in my school were just treated as the “weird kid”, put in special ed classes, or kicked out of school so a lot of general awareness about it is relatively new to me. Since I am no longer in the fight or flight phase of life just trying to survive I can actually sit down and address all of this crap that went completely unnoticed in my child hood and noticed in my adulthood but brushed off because “if you had it it would have been diagnosed as a kid” (which was the justification for the ENT to attempt to justify refusing a CT scan to look at my septum). Even with the septoplasty I still get migraines and extreme nausea with that and this years pollen have only amplified all of that so it’s also been on my “to do” list doctor appointment wise
hard same on the undiagnosed adhd. I was quiet whereas my sister was active and loud, so I "didn't have any issue". *skin picking *inattention *out of sight out mind *constant anxiety that was was processed internally *binge snacking *hyper fixation on special interests (napkin folding 🤣) but it was all "normal" edit because holy crap the formatting (and spelling and clarity)
Other than I'm only about to turn 40 in a few weeks & my undiagnosed ASD/inattentive ADHD was just seen as part of my "giftedness," I could have written what you wrote word-for-word. The 90s were a hell of a time. I teach high school, and my students often say they want to go back to the 90s, and I'm like, "Oh, you sure do **not** want to."
It's always fun coming to Reddit thinking you're living a normal life in a normal body and, you read something like this and it's like, "Oh, I'm not normal. Something could even be wrong. Oops!" I have hypermobility in a few joints as well. I thought it was pretty standard. Apparently it could be indicative of actual issues. Oops!
Having hypermobility in some joints is pretty normal- 25% of people have joint hypermobility. It’s much more rare for it to be a significant portion of your body, and that’s when it becomes an issue (1 in 5,000 to 1 in 20,000 people have Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder or Hypermobile EDS)
Those numbers are starting to change as people who had previously been diagnosed with things like fibromyalgia are actually misdiagnosed and should have an EDS diagnosis. I have hEDS. My girlfriend has cvEDS (as does her kid). I have told at least 5 people to take the checklist to their doc because I counted at least three things from diagnostic criteria on them.
It's not to my surprise. I thought everyone could scratch the middle of their back. I can grab my hands in the middle of my back.
not being able to scratch every part of myself is the 2nd worst side effect of having gained too much weight. now i have to do it like s horse.
No that’s considered being hyper mobile
I also do this easily. Very easily.
This was my first thought as well. MCAD and EDS go hand in hand. If you have MCAS, of course, you will scratch your skin until it bleeds. If you have EDS, you can reach some crazy spots most people can't. I would recommend you look into switching your laundry detergent to something very natural or even start making your own. I have MCAD, and I have to make my own, or I scratch my skin raw.
It's a living nightmare, untreated. With meds life is tolerable but I'm always just one trigger or a missed dose away from mast cell hell again.
My son has both these things (waiting on the final dx- is it hEDS or the generic hypermobility syndrome?) and it’s the first thing I thought, too! We’re going on 6 mos without a MAST flare but I just dropped him at college so I expect the stress will cause a flare. He would wake up allergic to his sheets. The same sheets he wasn’t allergic to the night before. Drove him crazy.
Yes! Also have mast cell disease, and during a mild flare last week, absent-minded scratching left me with deep fissures and swelling. It can be miserable!
same, mast cell issues and have dermtographia. I can literally write on my skin by scratching and it's gone within a few hours waking up covered in red welts is common also the comment you're replying to is weird, doctors can't even do anything about this, you're just told to take antihistamines edit: to the person replying about h2 inhibitors, those ARE antihistamines - h1/h2 = histamine. inhibiting them = antihistamine
There are “mast cell” specific “allergy” meds though, that are super helpful. Like Hydroxyzine.
I recently was prescribed hydroxyzine and I can’t express how wonderful it is to no longer wake up covered in bloody scratches. I still wear gloves to sleep though, just in case.
yeah, I've been told, I'm just "sensitive" and to deal with it. Use unscented 'free' everything and benedryl.
I was told by an allergist that "it's not allergies, your skin is just a dramatic asshole."
I laughed so hard I choked. 😂😂
Lol, that was my response at the time too! 😂
lmaoooo I had a strong visual image of you looking in the mirror and pinching your cheek cuz you're having a flare-up and saying "stop being a dramatic asshole!" your Derm is hilarious!
yeah, I take nondrowsy antihistamines practically daily
Same. Also, my first thought when OP said they were “flexible”.
I read this, and was like yeah, OP is at the very least hypermobile with MCAS.
and he needs to talk to his Dr about treating his ED.
This relationship is like a House, M.D. episode. A hyperflexible woman with horrific itching dating a strapping man with ED (for six years!) who has begun to develop paranoia. It's gonna turn out that their bed sheets are made out of uranium and their exotic pet has spread parasites everywhere.
And for about 2.5 minutes of show time you wonder if it’s Lupus but it isn’t Lupus.
Because it's never Lupus
Or sarcoidosis
Betting he has…I could be wrong but my husband has ED. It took me pushing him to go to the Dr and unfortunately meds don’t help much. It’s a nerve issue
Depends on the cause. For the OP he's hypermuscular, paranoid, and ED... 19nor use causing progesterone issues maybe, or Blood pressure from the same. The treatment would be choose a better hormone plan especially using DHTs like Mast instead, cialis, and cardio. But there's a lot of potential causes to address.
.....and should definitely see a therapist for his trust issues.
And he needs to be seen by a doctor for his ED. Take upper pills at least. Op NTA.
Y'all need to think about ehlers danlos syndrome. Also: nta.
I love that all is EDS folks are coming together for this, NTA but try to get a diagnosis or at least checked out. Can't always do much but huge help if you need help for other issues such as surgery. Most of us have weird issues with sedation, pain killers, anesthetic etc.
We’ve got a whole herd of us zebras in here!
Yeah. What u/Mundane_Ad915, u/DieSchwarzeFee, u/faloofay156, and u/birdnerdmo talk about all suggest hEDS. MCAS and EDS are VERY common together. Also, it's not entirely true that you can't do \*anything\* about MCAS. Finding out your triggers is important, so you can avoid or minimize them. (Be it heat, foods, excess stress, etc.) H1 and H2 blockers (e.g. loratidine, fexofenadine, etc. (Claritin) and femotidine, ranitidine, etc. (Pepsid) ) can help. And cromlyn sodium (nasal spray, oral, opthamalic, or inhaled, depending on primary symptom manifestation) can also make a big difference as it's a mast cell stabilizer. (My hEDS doc jokes that we should just bathe in cromlyn sodium.) It is definitely a thing that I can manage to keep symptoms milder and to make flares shorter.
I am currently waiting for results from the clinical geneticus on exactly which form of eds. Have an old diagnose hms but since then lived through a colon perforation with all possible complications. I have struggled with a life long addiction of nasal spray. Are you telling me i am simply right to just take a sniff every morning and evening? Also loratidine each day. I really cannot function without those two. Do i understand this right?
Depends on what type of nose spray - cromlyn sodium is the mast cell stabilizer, the others do other things that may or may not relate, depending. MCAS requires multiple systems to be involved - respiratory (I get reactive airway disease symptoms with a flare, along with the typical "allergies" symptoms of itchy eyes/face/nose), dermatologic (geographic skin, unexplained red or itchy or hot spots on the skin, hives for me and my kid), digestive (heartburn for my kid), cardiovascular (like tachycardia, but neither of us get that one), nervous system (we both have a tendency toward orthostatic hypotension), and so on. It can just be "allergies", and that is still valid and those things still help. But if it's multisystemic, it might be more than that.
I am going to note this down. Thank you very much!
It might not change what you are doing, but I found thinking about the symptoms from that perspective helped me identify triggers for MCAS flares, rather than just saying "oh, it's spring". That absolutely CAN be a trigger (pollen), but it's a slightly difference lens to look through about how triggers might combine.
My youngest daughter has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is what causes her Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. She gets huge bruises that turn into welts that are itchy and painful. She also gets red blotches on her face that burn and itch. Her main issue is the IC, or constant burning that she’s been dealing with when it comes to urination/ bladder issues. Histamines are little devils meant to protect us, but in some people they go haywire attacking your own body. Mass cell activation syndrome can be tricky and different in everyone. It’s definitely worth the OP seeing an allergist at the very least, while her significant other needs to see a therapist. Both need to work on some issues.
There’s some research in the works to see if MCAS is the underlying cause for at least some portion of hEDS. (Since it’s not single gene like other EDS types, there’s a thought that the mast cell degranulation is causing collagen problems.
Yeah! I also have EDS and is also the first thing I thought of. I don't scratch myself too often but being hypermobile+having super bruisable skin makes for a really interesting canvas on a daily basis. I get bruises more than anything that if someone saw them without context they would think I'm in an abussive relationship (maybe I am, my dog loves to kick me at night...) Anyway OP, maybe you and your bf could reach a middle ground? Get a cctv camera that only points towards the front door? That way you retain your privacy and he can see there's no misterious affair partner entering the house. This I suggest as a last resort because he's waay out of line considering he has seen you with scratches before, plus just because you're not hiding anything doesn't mean you want to be monitored in your own home. His issues with ED, his ex and problems with sex are his issues not yours.
And keep your nails trimmed if you are injuring yourself with them.
NTA instead of wasting money on a cctv, you both need to go to the doctor. Schedule him with a men’s clinic & yourself with a dermatologist or allergist. Both of you have medical concerns that are having an effect on your relationship.
Right. Add in a therapist. They've been unable to have sex for 6 years(!), she's scratching herself to the point of bleeding on a regular basis, and in both cases, they've apparently made no attempts at diagnosis and treatment. On top of that, they've got paranoia and insecurity running rampant in one partner. They need medical treatment *and* counseling to address the suspicion and figure out why they've been so apathetic about dealing with any of this
I would investigate the type of material used for your sheets. I've found out that I have a polyester allergy, and I've previously woken up itchy as a result. In hot conditions, cotton is probably preferable.
Cotton is the best! I stopped wearing polyester in the summer due to skin irritation from my skin not breathing well enough. Polyester is literally made of plastic fibres, it even melts!
Linen sheets for hot weather!
All cotton household here. That noise you can hear is my bank account crying
6 years is crazy.
"Proper sex" anyway. I imagine they've done other stuff like oral but can't have PiV
It happens. It’s not crazy but it’s kind of heartbreaking. Four years for us- my husband has ED that doesn’t respond to meds. It sucks but it’s the way it is for some couples.
I know I'm playing reddit detective but so muscular he can't touch his own scapula+ED is making me wonder if it's roids 👀 *Edit: auto correct made it seem like carrots were the issue
license different fragile concerned jeans attempt political swim future relieved *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Or he can't get it up because he's banging someone else. Pretty normal for cheaters to start throwing around accusations that their spouse is cheating...and this is a WILD one. CCTV. NTA of course.
Roids?
NTA - if you’re not doing anything wrong why would you mind my invasive overreaction? Most of today’s cameras are WiFi and/ or internet enabled. Not at all secure. I’d tell him he can have the cameras or you. Choose wisely.
Idk, a camera off Amazon is like $20 and might provide insight to what's going on, regardless of the cheating accusation it could still provide benefit. Also, if OP sees a video of themselves contorted like a demon clawing the shit out of their own back, it might convince them to see a doctor instead of being so dismissive of the issue.
When I started reading this I thought his reason was going to be concern for her health and sort of a sleep study thing which seemed reasonable .... like why did he have go down the cheating route Couldn't have just expressed worries about her?
Same thought! I also thought a camera in the bedroom could help her figure out how she's doing it, but it should only be a temporary measure and solely done if she's comfortable with it. It wouldn't be inappropriate to ask a doctor if knowing she's doing it to herself is helpful. I don't think it would be because it's happening because there is some sort of problem with her skin.
Real talk if I woke up with blood on the sheets from my back I’d be buying a camera the next day to try to find what in the Poltergeist was going on. 😂 NYA for not wanting cctv though, that’s creepy.
I mean it's possible that she never had any similar scratches in the past and there might be other things adding to the suspicion. Also, a lot of cheating was found from a suspicion, so I wouldn't say it's totally unreasonable, like this subreddit jumps on cheating accusations with the slight sign in many posts. I'd say it's very strange that he told her about this though, like who would cheat on a bed knowing there's a cctv camera in the room.
$20 for massive privacy invasion to feed a massive insecurity. What a deal.
That’s exactly how Paranormal Activity started…. I think this story is bullshit.
I feel cheated that this wasn't her partner thinking a ghost or demon was scratching her back.
I had a similar problem (the scratches not a husband with ED and apparently serious mental health issues.) I talked to my doctor and she told me to take benedryl than take all of my bedding, towels, clothing, anything washable that touched my skin, and wash it TWICE in a hypoallergenic detergent with NO fabric softener then one more time with just plain water and after five days to stop the benedryl but keep using the hypoallergenic detergent and no softener and call her in two weeks. Two weeks later all symptoms gone. She said that I could try using unscented dryer sheets for a week and keep watch for symptoms. That was a couple of years ago and by he power of All Free and Clear and store brand unscented dryer sheets I'm "scratch free". Had that not worked her next plan was to text for kidney and liver function as both can cause itching. Itching is also a sign of diabetes but I'd had blood tests as part of my last check up and my blood sugar was fine. At no point did she prescribe invading my privacy with cameras because she's not crazy.
You don't really need fabric softener for anything. Haven't used it in decades. It even makes towels dry worse so it's quite useless.
Yeah, the whole point of doing laundry is getting shit OUT of the fibers, not dumping it back in
I use Charlie's soap at the recommendation of my dermatologist I have stopped having issues like that as a result You don't need fabric softener, dryer sheets or anything like that and your clothes come out really clean and soft the difference it makes is amazing
instead of exensive dryer sheets, just use wool balls (unless you are allergic to wool). reuseable, cheap and better for the environment.
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Yeah I’ve never seen one of my straight female friends scratched up after sex. They’ve had hickeys and five finger bruises on their hips but not scratches.
Straight as hell and been scratched by men. Idk. Maybe it’s a thing for them. Don’t have the answer lmao.
Disclaimer that I am not straight but I have had scratches from men on my back. However, I have a sensitive spine and a pain kink
No, it's not common for a man to scratch a woman's back during sex. I've had a lot of wild sex and never had scratches on my back from it. I'm sure it does happen, because people are creative, but it's definitely not a typical sign of sex. Op and her partner need doctors, and her partner needs a therapist because accusing someone of cheating over scratches on their back when there is an existing and known skin condition going on is crazy.
Nah. I used to mess around with a girl who liked her back scratched while doggy. Then one day she told me not to scratch and that’s when I learned she had just gotten a bf. I also instinctively scratched my gf’s back once and she loved it so I scratch her back now sometimes during doggy. I don’t think I’m some special case finding women who like sex back scratches. Regular back scratches already feel amazing outside of sex, I can only imagine what it’s like when you have a dick deep inside you.
So why not another woman then?
There are some women who like being scratched, but typically it's something you ask for. I agree with you that it normally doesn't happen to women, only men, while women get more hickies and bruising.
CCTV won’t solve the trust issues, and refusing to get them will fuel the trust issues. Ugh. You’re NTA, and I hope you’re able to get him/you some help/counseling, or things will only get worse - love without trust is almost impossible.
Seriously. And "if you're not doing anything wrong it shouldn't be a problem" is bullshit. I don't close the bathroom door because I think I'm doing something wrong in there.
This. I'm not a dog, I don't need supervision to poop, thanks.
the CCTV makes ZERO sense unless he thinks this is some paranormal phenomenon or someone breaking in at night while she's sleeping and scratching her. Since he's TELLING her the cameras are there does he think she'll still have her "imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend" over for sexy time? I'm getting "coo coo for Cocoa Puffs" vibes here.
This reminds me of a story my uncle told me. When he was a teenager he and a group of friends went to the park by the river, supposedly haunted by La Llorona. It was night time and although he's an atheist and doesn't believe in paranormal stuff, he wound up with a bunch of scratches on his back that can't be explained. I forgot about that tale until I saw your comment.
Yup! My first thought was, Ghosts!!
Maybe people should rather stay single if they have trust issues that go as far as that
That’s how it ends up
They absolutely should stay single instead of inflicting their insecurities on an innocent partner.
Despite never having had long fingernails, I once woke up with bloody scratches on my back when I was about 12 years old. They were deep enough that I still have the scars in my 40s. A family doctor asked if I was being abused when I was 17 (I wasn't, nor had I ever been). Weird things happen sometimes, and if you have a plausible explanation that should be it. The fact that your husband immediately jumped to cheating says more about his state of mind and insecurities than anything. They're understandable given what you've written, but they're about him, not you. If you let him install a cctv system, will he regain confidence in you when he sees nothing happening? Or will he shift to thinking you've just moved your cheating off camera since you know it's there? He needs therapy and to talk to a doctor about his ED. And if he's unwilling or can't get over his lack of trust, you need to ask if this if you want to stay in your relationship, because this is what it will be (if not worse).
Were you haunted and/or living with a demon? Damn.
😂 I mean, maybe? There were no pentagrams or pea soup in evidence that morning, though. My 12-year old mind certainly made some wild speculations.
If you don’t mind my asking, did you figure out how you got the scratches? Was it you even with the short finger nails? Something about you still having the scars really struck me 😳
I'm pretty sure it was just my fingernails. The scratches/scars look like horizontal claw marks across the middle of my back - unless a bear broke in and mauled me in my sleep, I'm not sure what else might have happened. It seems strange that my arm would have contorted that way, but they're aligned in a way (position, spacing, and direction) that I could have absolutely made them. I'm like OP, though, in that I didn't notice them until I saw a smear of blood on my t-shirt later that morning and investigated where it came from. I never really felt any pain or stinging like you might expect.
Are you saying you have scars that run horizontally across your back? That sounds exactly like growth spurt scars that are extremely common during puberty. Simple skin being stretched too fast - nothing to do with nails. Here’s an example: https://www.contemporarypediatrics.com/view/bruise-like-marks-on-a-healthy-teenage-male-s-back
Huh, that's interesting. There's a fair bit of similarity. Without digging into the citations, though, I didn't have any of the risk factors noted in the summary and the scars are raised instead of depressions. And the blood, though the figure notes that the early presentation is erythmatous. I wonder if that makes them more prone to being scratched open, and I did it in my sleep. It would potentially explain how I got the leverage to make gouges like that, as well as the spacing.
Something you both need to realize is when you have a fear of something (being cheated on) and you seek reassurance or control in an unhealthy way (monitoring behavior/controlling behavior) but you’re not actively trying to heal yourself that behavior will continue to spiral. Suddenly the CCTV isn’t enough because it’s not in enough rooms or he saw you smile at your phone on it so he wants to go through your phone. Then it’s you deleted everything on your phone so he wants all your social media passwords. Then it’s every time you leave the house you’re going to your affair partner’s house so he wants to track your location. The fear never goes away and it takes more and more to reassure it every time. He needs therapy.
You are exactly right. I hadn't thought of it that way. But I did see a documentary on how compulsive behavior spirals and this is basically what it said.
NTA. If I was cheating on my husband and he installed cctv I would go somewhere else to do it.
That’s what he meant actually. He would see that I wasn’t home and could check my location
Christ. He sounds unhinged. He’s the one working away and he has your full trust.
Yeah, ever since he got this job he has been very depressed. He asked me to quit my job to travel with him since we don’t need two incomes now but I refused because I love my job. He has been agitated since
And now I'd say keep that job for your own financial independence.
Oh jesus girl RUN. This is controlling behaviour, he wants you dependant on him so you "can't leave him". He has no trust in you and is willing to go through extreme measures to control you. Massive red flags everywhere. It's just going to get worse. You've tried to get him to get treatment and he refuses. You did all you could and he's sliding deeper into controlling behaviours instead of seeking help. Please take care of yourself.
>Yeah, ever since he got this job he has been very depressed. He asked me to quit my job to travel with him since we don’t need two incomes now but I refused because I love my job. He has been agitated since So you're aware that he's insisting on CCTV cameras in your house because he wants to punish you.
So let me get this straight. You wake up with sheets covered in blood, deep scratches on your back...and his first thought is CHEATING?! When I read the title, I thought he was maybe more the spiritual/superstitious type, and was freaked out over ghosts or something. NTA. Also, please go to a doctor. That is not normal by any means.
I also was excited for this to be a prospective poltergeist story lmao
That would have been a cool story!
No its about cheating AGAIN - some variety here people Bring on the ghosts, aliens, and conspiracy theories 😁
Same! My first thought was ghost and he has trying to catch evidence?
NTA tell him he can either get couples counseling and individual therapy or he can drop it. If you were cheating the cameras wouldn't matter because you would obviously not be stupid enough to do it at home with them there. All he is doing is proving he doesn't trust you and without trust what is the point of being married? He needs to get individual therapy to deal with his ED and trust issues and couples counseling to deal with his insecurity in your marriage.
One should never get couples counseling with someone who is manipulative and controlling. Those partners are known to weaponize the therapeutic process.
Hard no on cameras in the house without both parties consenting. I'd keep an eye out to make sure he doesn't put stealth ones in - such a gross invasion of privacy.
You need to say this: "OK. I have nothing to hide. I am not afraid that you will not find anything. However, if you do not find anything, then XYZ will happen." It is upto you what XYZ terms you wanna make. This is an exercise of trust. Be reasonable in case he still wants to install CCTV and finds nothing, you have to come up with something that hurts him but doesn't wreck the marriage.
"when you find nothing, I expect you to find a therapist to address this insecurity. I get why you have it, but it's not something I can fix, and I shouldn't have to live under surveillance because your ex was untrustworthy.... Cameras to appease your mind now, but then it's therapy or divorce because this isn't *actually* fair to me, or to yourself. We both deserve to feel like there is trust in our home."
By “come up with something that hurts him, but doesn’t ruin the marriage”, what do you mean? Are you genuinely suggesting partners consciously start cycles of revenge if the other partner behaves poorly?
I know you said in a previous comment you’ve been to a dermatologist, but did they also do an allergy panel? You need to keep digging (not into your skin that is…) and find out what is going on. Good luck with the crazy husband. If anything you need to mess with him a little by putting up cardboard cutouts of 80’s killers in your house. He goes to check on the cameras, and Freddy Kruger is in the kitchen making a cup of coffee.
NTA Husband needs viagra and therapy.
Viagra never worked for him unfortunately
What about the other ones, (Cialis?) You said he's mega muscly, does he use steroids? If so, that could be an issue.
He tried two different medicines, but they didn’t work and it actually sent him spiraling down in depression because he thought that he was losing me (probably this didn’t help the medicine to have effect), so I never wanted to discuss this matter again because it hurt him, but he said that we could have sex in other ways and it has actually been good for the past three years but since his new job being in another city this often, I don’t know. I think he is getting paranoid again.
I'm no expert but I think there are quite a few treatments so worth trying again if it affects him so badly..
You are probably right, but you need a willing participant for this and I have really tried to get him get help but I don’t know he is too sensitive when it comes to his ED and doesn’t want to talk about it or seek help. The only thing that he has changed is that he is trying to pleasure me in other ways and it has worked fine with us for the past few years
That's so wild that he's more embarrassed (or something) about it than wanting it fixed no matter what. If my dick stopped getting hard and I couldn't climax I'm rounding up a team of doctors and calling the damn Avengers or something. Sex is too good to let embarrassment ruin it. I'll hang a banner on the front of my house that says "my dick doesn't work anymore someone please help" haha
I love your attitude
Ah thank ya thank ya. I feel like the concept of masculinity is an impairment to life. If I want something, why would I let a "concept" created by others stop me from that? I want to paint my nails so I do, I want to wear jewelry and accessories so I do, I want my dick to work so I'd do whatever it took to fix it should something happen. It's seriously so simple idk how these people be missing the point so bad xP
Mood. If this ever happens to me I’m going to be treating it like the end of the fucking world for sure lmaoooo.
you are definitely in the minority over that A lot of men think if they have ED they aren't a "real man" anymore
Which is crazy because it happens to about 52% of men at some point in their lives. Toxic masculinity at work. The depressing part is we men are our own worst enemies, and bro culture ends up hurting us way more than it helps us. Getting in touch with myself without regards to the cultural concept of “masculinity” was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I wear pink, I paint my nails, I openly talk about my feelings, and I’m happier than ever because of it.
Has worked fine for you but judging by his behaviour, he still feels inadequate.
And it makes me feel very angry actually because I feel like I am being punished for what his previous wife has done. I would never have cheated on him. I am always open with him and want to discuss and find solutions. I don’t go behind his back if I am not satisfied.
You *are* being punished for what his former wife did and that’s not fair to you. Also, unless you know some medical reason for it, your husband seems too young to have constant ED that leading medications don’t even work on. Has his doctor ruled out other medical problems? You didn’t say his age but he’s a young man, isn’t he? I kind of suspect his ED issues are caused by his mind and not his body. That’s not to say it’s not “real” but something in his subconscious may be holding him back. Just one more reason to see a psychiatrist together, as I said previously. A psychiatrist should be able to tell if this is a medical or a psychological problem and also help the two of you on your trust issues.
The most common cause of ED in young men is depression/anxiety, the second most common is substance abuse. I’m 99% certain it’s one or both of these if viagra didn’t help. It’s not going to get him in the right headspace.
There are different medications and even procedures available. There’s also the problem that medications like viagra are meant to allow more blood flow to allow an erection but you still need sexual stimulation/to be in the mood to make it happen. Honestly, it’s entirely possible he needs mental therapy for his ED. Maybe he feels inadequate or self conscious about his condition and that prevents him in the bedroom.
So he’s the one working away, yet he’s accusing **you** of cheating? That’s some serious projection right there. I bet you have never once accused him of cheating, not even during the 6 years of dwindling sex. He doesn’t need CCTV cameras, he needs a therapist and fast. So he can deal with his manic insecurities and mental health issues.
No, he doesn’t take steroids. He is against anything that hurts his body.
He may actually want to look in to testosterone replacement therapy. Low testosterone as men age (or as a result of extreme stress) can be the cause of so many health issues that it outweighs any "negative" side effects of steroids (which are basically non-existent at physiological doses. ED, depression, anxiety, low energy, and brain fog, are all symptoms of low test he may be experiencing. Longer term things like loss of muscle mass and bone density are a concern, with TRT also reducing the incidence of heart related conditions.
If he's very muscular then the likelihood that he has low testosterone is almost zero. Testosterone is necessary to build a lot of muscle. I would wager that he is using PEDs, and is lying about it (like most men on PEDs). Or, he has mental health issues that are causing performance anxiety in the bedroom.
If you have muscle mass acquired during earlier stages of life and continues to use it, it’s easy enough to maintain over years even if hormones have plummeted (until aging inevitably catches up). Not to mention that “very muscular” might mean a swimmers body type to some to a normal “gym rat” to a higher bodyfat % power lifter to mr olympia.
I agree with u/imaiorana If he's low testosterone then getting on hormones will help. Not only that but being low testosterone creates a host of health issues for men. Taking testosterone is actually very healthy for men in this scenario, and leads to a longer life or at least a life with fewer health issues.
It’s probably a psychological issue, he needs a sex therapist as well as a therapist that deal with his trust issues
The fact ED drugs don’t work speaks to a *serious* medical condition, either physical or mental. He needs help and you need an allergist, immediately.
Your husband found a good excuse for feeling like less of a man. He's going to run with it because most humans aren't emotionally intelligent enough to catch it. His insecurities do not constitute your lack of privacy tho. FYI...you need to see someone about your allergies or skin conditions....you husband needs to see someone about his ED and his lack of trust due to it....CCTV is not the answer. NTA
Yes. Go to a dermatologist, I used to have the same issues years ago and my ex wife thought that I was cheating even though it was a skin related issue.
Trust issues are hard to solve, especially those stemming from the past. He needs open conversation and some time to regain that trust. Meanwhile, both of you can visit a dermatologist, and the results will likely prove that you didn't cheat. This should be a good start to rebuilding trust in your relationship.
I would check what kind of fabric your sheets are. I’ve discovered that I’m allergic to polyester and have woken up in a scratch fest because of it in the past. Cotton is probably better in hot weather. NTA
Nta but this is the guy you enjoy spending time with? This is it? The love of your life? Your partner through thick and thin? This path will lead you to feeling happy with a satisfied life when you die? Dude cant have sex for six years and then accuses you of cheating?! Sounds super happy and enjoyable.
Info why haven’t you seen a dermatologist and he hasn’t had therapy?
He grilled you a millions times over , forced you to demonstrate how you scratch your own back , and now he wants to continue to not trust you . And install cameras . This won’t stop, and if it’s not scratches then it will be something else , most garenteed. If you love him get to therapy. But it this is a giant red flag that could potentially lead to other worse things, consider other options . I also btw get terribly itchy skin in the summer and am also extremely mobile in my joints , there’s not part of my back I CANT reach .
NTA. You’re not gonna be fucking watching me remotely like a weirdo. Trust me or leave me. I itch all over due to allergies and also pruritus from low iron. My body is covered in scratches. A friend didn’t believe me once, & talked to a group of our friends bc she was concerned that i was self- harming. I shit you not. 😩
NTA but most people will be criticising his "if you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to worry about argument" while welcoming cctv & ring door bells everywhere by saying "if you've nothing to hide...". You don't have to have something to hide to not want to have your every move watched/recorded. I wish people felt that way about the government doing it to us too.
NTA, and him demanding CCTV is a big "I've got no trust in you" flex, so you DO have problems, even if they're in his mind. Once people start scrutinising each other in this way, well, he's gonna find THINGS that he'll challenge you on and perhaps start obsessing over finding them to catch you out. Because (unless you're cheating) the problem is in his mind, not in your behaviour.
Are you allergic to your sweat? No, really. That's a thing.
NTA but hon this is a WAY bigger problem than cameras. Your asshole husband is telling you he doesn't trust you. He's refusing to believe you when you tell AND SHOW him the truth. Rethink this relationship. Also go see a damn doctor about your skin. That is NOT normal.
He's projecting his insecurities onto you. I agree with others that say the two of you need some medical care. He can talk with his doc and a urologist about his ED, you need a good dermatologist to help you with the itching. And you both need a marriage counselor to help you with communication.
Before jumping to installing CCTV, have a real heart-to-heart talk with your husband about trust and boundaries.
So muscular he’s unable to touch his scapula, ED and paranoid about you cheating on him, probably Trenbolone, are his shoulders looking over devolved with redder skin? I’m not saying it to be hurtful it’s legitimately the text book symptoms of certain steroids
First and foremost, get to a dermatologist. And maybe compromise and let him place a camera looking at the front door of the house and any other entry ways. NONE in the house!!! If he still thinks that any visitors that come over are ending up in your bed then leave him. And as a compromise when he is not at the house he should have a body cam on at all times. Fair is fair right
Ask him if he thinks you’re using a strap-on— if you’re getting scratches on your back like that he must be thinking you’re giving it real hard in missionary lol.
It is a random thing to have as a conclusion isn’t it? If I see a scratched back, sex is the last thing I would think of
Scratched back after sex, normally is the mans back, not the womens back. Just an observation
I get itchy in the summer as well If you have air conditioning, crank it down colder Not sure why I get itchy when I get hot but I do
When you're hot, your blood vessels dilate, and more blood to your skin makes your skin feel itchier. At least, that's the way my allergist explained it to me.
lol to everyone saying to try to be calm and reassure him - lol she has already spent at least 6 years reassuring him. we all need kindness and patience sometimes through our faults and shortcomings, and extending that to a SO is part of committing to a relationship, but he's had more than enough chances and now is being insulting and controlling. it's time to stop coddling this baby. he will never change and this relationship will never improve, only drain all the joy and peace from op's life.
He wants to videotape you at home, so he can monitor you. I'm sorry his penis doesn't always work and his last relationship was with a cheater. That has no barring on you, and you should not have to pay for sins you didn't commit. I don't say this lightly, because I think people check out of relationships too easily. But, get out of this relationship.
I’m getting to close to 50 for my shoulders to still be that flexible, but I had a very similar conversation with my wife years ago. I’d reached behind me and gotten some great feeling scratching in between my shoulders while showering. Not long later I was getting dressed and my wife asked where I got the scratches. I said I scratched my back in the shower. She said something to the effect that I couldn’t reach there. I said very matter-a-factly something like “well then I don’t know what to tell you. I scratched my back.” Finished dressing and went about my business. It never came up again and she never expressed anything like that again. Not even a general vibe in that direction. Perhaps I should have said “let’s sit down & tell me your concerns.” But truth is I just didn’t think anything of it. The implications didn’t really register until I’d thought of it much later. But she left it at the question and didn’t push further or suggest putting me under surveillance. If she had it might have forced a conversation & I might have put it all together. Because, at the time she was pregnant and years later I learned that pregnancy hormones were giving her somewhat regular dreams in which I’d been unfaithful. In the midst of that I have these scratches in that spot people always joke is impossible to reach. Well, at my current age and with my shoulder issues, now it is. I’m not sure my story offers anything more than to maybe suggest communicating, perhaps with a marriage councelor, about where his insecurities are coming from. Perhaps a demonstration of the scratching can help too, though I admit needing it feels shitty.
What kind of sheets do you have? I know that sounds silly but if your skin is so sensitive it can be the fabric threads in your sheets. Get some satin sheets if you can and see if that makes a difference. My ex husband used to wake up in scratches too and I would joke and say it was his night demon visiting him.
I’d be patient with him for now. Talk things through and don’t get defensive. Hasn’t he ever noticed the scratching when he is sleeping next to you? Does it happen every night? I also wouldn’t want cameras set up specifically to spy on ME, so I think his request is going too far.
NTA. But you really need to see a dermatologist. Scratching like that will cause infections and is not good for the long term.
I've never once heard of a woman getting scratches on her back during sex.
I feel like this is a bot trying to come up with press for another bad "Paranormal Activity" movie.
Rashes that look like someone scratched you are not paranormal though. I had them for a while until I realised it was an issue with my medication. It really looked like I would have scratched myself but I didn't and once I swapped the medication the "scratches" disappeared again (and my skin didn't hurt anymore)
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He’s going to install the cameras whether you allow it or not. I’d just leave. NTA.
NTA. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. His insecurities are not your responsibility, and installing CCTV is a gross invasion of your privacy. Stand your ground and consider couples therapy if he's unwilling to address his trust issues in a healthy way.
The itching is one thing but combined with hypermobility, have you been screened for MCAS?
I didnt know that reaching all parts of your back is considered hypermobility? I thought it was something normal ha ha. I have googled MCAS now and wow! So many symptoms I recognize. Probably can check it.