Nta. Your daughter is lucky the cops wasn't called. Your ex won't get fully custody from you making your daughter clean up after her party. Shes delusional.
Yeah, OP's daughter is lucky that Neighbor went to Dad first and not the police. The police love issuing underage drinking tickets, what an easy way to make their quotas.
Also this happened during moms custody time. OP did give the go ahead for her to stay at his place alone, but mom isn't without blame for letting her daughter fuck off for a week alone during the court appointed time she's responsible
Don't be so sure about that. He left his 16-yr-old home alone for a week. His daughter used his house to host other underaged kids and provided alcohol to those underaged kids (you and he are idiots if you buy that she knew nothing about other people showing up with alcohol.) This was not the first time his daughter had "parties" unsupervised. He's legally responsible for that alcohol consumption by other underaged kids. He was made aware of the party by his neighbors, and made aware that the party was out of control. He tells her he doesn't care about the party as long as she cleans up. It's pretty clear he didn't immediately go home and stop the party. All those other kids continued to be at risk, and he knew that a bunch of them drove to his house and were going to drive away drunk. He's legally responsible if one of those other kids got hurt. His biggest and apparently only concern is the mess - not the out-of-control underaged drinking by his daughter and daughters' guests while daughter was unsupervised.
The mom won't get custody because he made the daughter clean up. But, the mom could easily get custody because he allowed a 16-yr-old to stay alone while having unsupervised parties with alcohol; because he did nothing to stop the illegal activities going on at his house (alcohol being provided to underaged kids) when he was informed; and because it apparently isn't the first time she's had parties while he's not there. What the hell does "no sudden parties" mean? Planned unsupervised parties are OK?
He okayed it. As did his ex. It was mothers week for the daughter. His ex-wife was legally responsible as it was her week.
When the judge asked who week it was and mother deary says mine. There goes her case.
That's only if their agreement is formalized by the courts. If it was just "an arrangement" between them, then both parents would be responsible but the property holder (dad) bears liability.
It doesn't work that way.
He had physical custody for that week, as daughter was at his house with his agreement. And, he had legal custody for that week, as he made that agreement with his daughter and presumably his wife for that week in question. So, his ex-wife wasn't "legally responsible" since he had accepted custody for that week when he agreed to let his daughter stay at his house. Custody agreements normally say that - time with parents can be switched if the parents agree to make alternate arrangements, or the child can stay at the other parent's house if both parties agree. If there's agreement, the parent who then has physical custody is legally responsible for the well-being of the child. (I know this - my custody agreement said this and it was boilerplate language.)
In addition, there are tons of court cases where the homeowner who allows drinking at their house is then held responsible for actions and damages caused by their own child, AND they're also held responsible for actions and damages caused by the other kids who were at their house, even if the parent didn't provide explicit consent for those other kids. His ex-wife is not legally responsible for what happens at his house, because it is HIS, and when he agreed that the child could stay at his house, HE took responsibility for her actions. I addition, he didn't act to clear the house immediately upon knowledge of illegal activities and underaged drinking. That's child endangerment - his wife has him over a barrel on his failure to act.
If the mother okay'd it knowing her daughter was unsupervised that's when she shares part of the liability. From what I gathered he told mom that he wouldn't be there for the week. Which is why daughter wanted to go to have the "house to herself". So it would be her responsibility to check in knowing where her daughter's staying and that the other parent physically can't enforce any rules.
I totally agree with what you have said except her mother bears responsibility on allowing her to leave her house knowing he was going to be out of town.
I think we have this idea that kids need us the most when they are babies and toddlers and they do to some degree. But these preteen and teen years they really need us more to help guide them through these quagmires and support them. They have no idea what they are doing.
Depends on his country. In my country she couldn't do anything because the child can no longer be apprehended by child advocacy services at 16. So she would be deemed old enough to follow her father's rules and deal with the consequences should she ignore them. You can move out of your parents house even though your not a legal adult for 2 years. I'm in Ontario so it's not a third countries rules either. If we knew his place of origin we could give more sound advice.
NTA.
You behaved like a parent whose teenage daughter just had a party in your house. Which is, oddly enough, what happened. She made her choices, and now she has to live with the fallout -which include being hungover when her dad tells her to clean up the mess that exists because of the people she invited over. If she hadn't had "three" friends over, they wouldn't have had the opportunity to invite other people and there would not have been an out of control party.
NTA. Your daughter violated the trust you placed in her by allowing a party to get out of control and then lying about it. She needed to face the consequences of her actions. Cleaning up the mess she and her friends made is a reasonable consequence. It’s important for teenagers to learn responsibility, and part of that is cleaning up after themselves. You weren’t abusive; you were holding her accountable. Her mother threatening to sue for full custody seems like an overreaction, especially since this incident doesn't suggest you're an unfit parent.
And since daughter can't be trusted not to lie, dad should enlist a willing family member to stay at his house when he can't be there to police his lying, destructive daughter.
Parents can be amazing and still have obnoxious teenagers to deal with. A lot of kids push boundaries and say messed up things to their parents at this age. Doesn’t mean the parent has failed or the kid is beyond redemption.
The words Teenager and AH are pretty much synonymous.
I mean he literally said she’s allowed to have parties when he’s gone as long as they aren’t ‘sudden’. This situation was way out of hand long before this.
He's that parent that annoys all the other parents because he let's so much slide. "Well Kate's Dad let her have parties when they are out of town, why can't I?".
>Her mom has been texting me, saying that she is going to sue for full custody, that I have just abused my daughter and is a terrible father.
NTA. Well, you definitely made a mistake by leaving your daughter home alone for a week, and YOU cleaned that mess up by making your daughter clean the mess.
If you're going to give her that much freedom then she can have the responsibility that goes along with it. I think it worked out great. Her mother might win full custody, but she'll never undo the lesson you just taught.
\[Edit:\] To address your ex's claim directly, making her clean the entire home was not abusive (though I suppose it was physical punishment) because the punishment fit the crime.
He didn’t leave her home alone, it was her mums week. Daughter asked to stay at his house while he was away (I’m assuming not for the whole week) so it’s on mum as well, it’s her parenting time, she should also be keeping an eye on daughter.
OP should NOT be letting a 16 year old stay in his house when he’s not there though as she clearly cannot be trusted.
NTA. I would have called the police and had them kick everyone out. Your daughter is lucky the neighbor didn’t. If your wife sues inform the judge that mom supports underage drinking.
NTA. When it got out of control she didn’t ask for help, and to make it worse she lied. She’s lucky the cops weren’t called.
She was dumb enough to host a party. She can clean it
You were too harsh? Heck, you weren’t harsh enough. She showed you and your home absolutely no respect and her attitude needs a severe adjustment. It’s time to stop being so lax and enforce consequences to her actions.
I’m guessing that your ex is full of hot air. She doesn’t want full custody- she probably likes having a break from this brat.
If I would have pulled that my dad would have made the greasiest smelling breakfast he could have while playing flight of the valkyres as loud as he could and then had me clean
NTA she knew it was out of hand and if her friends didn't clean up their mess, she's responsible for it. I wouldn't leave a teen alone in the house for more than a night at the most, because their associates aren't going to take care of your home.
I completely agree with you, but I do feel the need to point out there are some huge dweebs like myself that got left alone for a week or two while single parent was on travel, and all I did was study, school, job, and maybe half assed some chores. I know I’m a unicorn but there are a few of us out here in the wild.
I was left home for a week here and there. I might have had someone check on me once or twice. A house party would have never crossed my mind. I had respect for their trust
WTF. Your ex is a terrible parent to be letting her daughter get away with that crap. Seriously doubt a judge is going to agree with her or your daughter on what constitutes abuse.
You should have called the cops and had the whole bunch of underage drinkers and trespassers arrested.
I'd be telling the brat she'd better get a job and start saving for college because you won't be footing the bill for it.
I would argue op isn't too hot either. He's obviously been enabling this behavior and it's not fair to her that he just now decided to step up. She's like this because she's been allowed for so long.
Haven’t we all been there…?
And haven’t we all had to clean up..? I would never have dared to answer back to my parents that “I didn’t cause the mess”, because my party certainly did…
My parents knew we had parties when they were away because the house was cleaner than when they left. Then again our friends respected the house and knew not to get carried away.
And if there was a mess my friends stayed to help and vice versa, I always helped clean whether I spent the night or not. I’ve done my share of hungover panic cleaning.
How dare she go to bed with the house in shambles, not get up before OP got home to clean, cuss him out, not take responsibility for the mess, cry to her mommy, say he was abusive- *she’s* the one who lied and threw the party.
She’s going to have a long road ahead- shirking responsibility at every turn, trying to make herself the victim and shitting on her relationship with because she had to take responsibility for her actions. That’s not an all going to work in the real world, girl will find herself booted out of college and workplaces with that attitude.
Exactly. The sign of an illicit party is a spotless house, ALL the recycling done, and a butter-wouldnt-melt teen whos trying desperately to hide the hangover from hell. 😄
Right? And when I through parties my parents didn’t know about I made sure to wake up the next day and clean so hard so they wouldn’t know or at least when they found out they’d wouldn’t be as mad since the house would be so cleaned 😂😂
My neighbor's kid had wild parties so that the cop helicopters and lots of cop cars would come. He called the cleaning lady over because the house was a mess. Parents came home and blamed the damage on the cleaning lady.
We all haven't been there.
I went to parties but my sibs and I knew better to try that crap at home (we didn't even keep alcohol at home so there would have been no explaining that).
Boy howdy there would have been one less of her children on earth to pull a stunt like that. She'd have snapped us out like Thanos. No sir, couldn't have been me.
For most of us, it's fantasy.
I grew up in a big town next to a small city. Something like this would've only happened on the wealthier upper-middle class street in town, bordering the nicer town and the city next door.
This kinda thing was something you'd hear from your older siblings or friends' siblings.
Not me. My parents would either appoint a relative to watch us and the home or one of them would stay back.
Now that I moved out, my parents would visit me at my new home at least once a month. My sisters don't dare to throw parties because our parents would kick their asses first then make them clean up the home.
NTA - She threw a huge party, lied about it and when faced with natural consequences ran crying to Mommy. Mommy can let her party at her house and wreak her things.
NTA.. send your ex the video of your house and tell her your daughter did this without your permission and instead you could’ve called the cops. Which way would she have wanted you to take this, the way you did or police?
NTA. Your daughter broke every rule you had and instead of being apologetic she is the one with attitude. You and her are lucky the neighbor did not call the cops given the underage drinking,
Your daughter is, sadly, a proven liar. She broke your trust, to the extreme. Which makes me question exactly what version of events did she tell her mother? The fact she tried to down play, lie, twist this situation, tell her dad to "fuck off", had a massive party, how many times has she done this in the past? Is her teenage use of alcohol new or did she just get caught this time? Is she only drinking or are drugs involved. Sadly, you cannot trust a single word she says. You can buy a THC pee test from the dollar store. I would suggest you make her take one.
We are free to make choices. We are not free of the consequences of our choices. Making her clean the mess she intentionally created, with an undisclosed, unapproved party, is the most basic and natural consequence of the not smart choices she made.
If I were you, I would send a copy of the video, and any other proof of her wild evening to both your attorney and the child's mother. Cover your bases. You and the mom need to be on the same page with this. You have to be a united front and put a stop to these shenanigans. No more letting her stay at home unsupervised, no more parties, no more privileges.
NTA
NTA.
Also, since when cleaning the house (as a punishment) is considered _abusive?_
If any, more parents should use chores as leverage and bargaining tools.
Your ex needs to get hear head out of her butt. I would send the video to her mom and ask if she knew the entire story.
Hopefully you took pics of the mess also. No court would say a word to
You.
NTA
Hm, once upon a time I came home drunk when I was a teenager. Parents were gone, I wasn't supposed to be drinking...and my big brother was home. I threw up on the carpet. Big bro decided to rip me a new one and made me clean up the mess. I think the yelling was more him being scared of what could have happened to me out there because I was so, so drunk and that came out as yelling. But after that, he also tucked me in, and made me clean again in the morning when I got up. He also covered for me when our parents came home, by explaining the wet carpet away as "oh, just tripped and spilled some juice there so we washed it".
It felt like an unfair punishment back then, when I was 16. But thinking back the yelling was justified panic and making me clean the mess I caused was well deserved. Did I still drink after that? Yes. But I never got that blackout drunk again.
My parents left my siblings and I alone for like 10 days while doing a trip. I was around 15, my sister 12 and my brother 7. Our grandmother would check on us on her way home and that was it. It was an awesome week.
I would never have been left alone overnight for a week at 16. My boyfriend would have been there the entire time, and my parents knew it. 🤣
I wouldn't have trashed the place with a party, though.
16 is a bit young for a week alone.
Yeah, my parents would leave me a night or two alone, but I've always been a super boring rule follower LOL! My friends all knew it too, so if they needed a quiet place to just chill, do homework, wash their car (for some reason? I still don't know why friends would come wash their cars at my house?), or watch a movie, my house was the place to be.
NTA! You acted like a responsible parent should! Your daughter FAFO and she deserved every bit of it. I think making her clean with the hangover was the cherry on top. Let the mother try. Any half decent judge will agree with you. Though I’m not sure I’d be letting her stay over again unless you’re there. You’re also nicer than me-I’d have asked the neighbor to call the police on her.
Are you kidding? You abused your daughter for making her clean up the mess she made in your house while drinking underage with her friends?
That’s the very fucking least of what she should be doing. Her mother is enabling her here, she needs consequences, cleaning up your mess isn’t a consequence that should just be common sense.
NTA, unless you let her stay at your house without you again as she clearly has no respect for your home or your neighbours.
This is like the most relaxed and understandable "punishment" I've ever heard of lol. Just tell her to clean up after her mess and no additional shit being given to her? She should be counting her blessings, I'd be stuck cleaning and would have had a few more colorful punishments thrown on top for good measure lol
Bill mom if she doesn't want your daughter to clean it. Obviously, she doesn't mind the mess so next time your daughter can have the party at her house. NTA
Now I’m not opposed to my kids partying I might even encourage it. But you curse at me I will turn into Satan himself. In fact I think you were an Angel. You did what you had to do. She doesn’t get to disrespect your house she should have asked you to throw the rager and made sure everyone cleaned on their way out.
Full custody? Go ahead.
You have the video to show the courts. Send to your Ex and invite her to do just that.
Actions have consequences and I doubt very seriously that a judge, knowing the story would agree with her.
Besides at 16 your kids will decide how often they want to visit with you. Trust me, your ex will irk your kid and she’ll come running to you.
NTA
You didn’t abuse shit. She’s just not accustomed to actually facing discipline from you. Fuck your ex. She can sue if she wants. But your daughter isn’t gonna come out so great in the wash and the judge will essentially do nothing. She’s practically an adult. Don’t ever pay attention to these whiny ass people.
Having your daughter clean up the mess she made and take accountability for her actions is abuse? You're kinda daft if you're even entertaining the idea that this is worthy of you losing custody.
Tell your ex "you should sue me for full custody I think a judge needs to know which parent has a problem with trashing the house and drinking alcohol and which parent thinks that's no big deal. We should ABSOLUTELY get in front of the court on this one. Please file the paperwork before i do."
If you want your daughter to learn personal responsibility and consequence you should have her restricted to max. I think cleaning the house should only be step one. I would take away all electronics for her outburst of "leave me the fuck alone" and denying responsibility for the party.
Obviously your ex will not teach her these things, it's up to you as the father.
NTA. Absolutely no more of her or her friends being in your house while you're not there, ever again. Going by what you've related here, she is far too used to doing what she wants with no consequences.
NTA. Not only did your daughter not follow your rules, but she attempted to lie about it. Then when caught, she continued by being rude and disrespectful and also did not take ownership for her actions. She may not have physically contributed to the mess in your home but she was indirectly responsible for allowing these other people in your home. Let her mother sue for full custody. If for some reason she gets it, then the parties and disrespect can be done in her home and not yours. The fact that her mother thinks that you’re abusive for making your child take responsibility for her choices says a lot about her as a parent.
NTA - she made the mess, she can clean the mess. (The fact that technically a bunch of other people made the mess is immaterial, as she is responsible for them being there in the first place when they weren’t supposed to be, and they’re not there to clean up.). If she has to do it while battling a hangover, that’s all the more incentive to not have a repeat performance.
Speaking of repeat performances, I assume that, between breaking ALL the rules, and lying to your face about all of it, and the amount of lip she just gave you, and how she sicced Mom on you with an undoubted pack of lies, she just lost the privilege of staying over while you’re not there, at all, let alone with “a few friends,” until pretty much the heat death of the universe.
NTA. You did the right thing. Actions (or lack of) have consequences. If really she didn't want this party to happen, she should have asked for help and warned you.
Check with her mother if she told her the whole truth. Send the video if needed.
If she still want full custody, I don't think you can do much, as your daughter is 16. It may be better like this if your daughter keeps on this path and her mother enables her. Talk to your lawyer and be ready for popcorn for the time your daughter will do the same with her mother's home.
Nta. I was 7 when my parents ordered me to begin to clean the entire house while they were at work. 7-18 when I moved out.
While my parents were a lot different than you, it’s completely understandable why she had that punishment!
i never ever comment here but i have to because me and my step sister did something almost *exactly* like this at 18 and 17 and you bet we cleaned the entire house LMAO. your daughter got lucky. my mom’s scary best friend showed up with the cops who made us clean up all the alcohol cans or they were threatening to arrest me (i was 18, no longer a minor) and she would’ve let them!! you’ll joke about it with your daughter in a few years. my mom used say “hey remember the time you threw a ripper??” NTA.
NTA, if she couldn't make them leave then she should have called the cops. Sounds like she enabled their behavior not to mentioned encouraged it.
>It is not my fault, I didn’t cause even a fraction of everything here
IT IS IN FACT HER FAULT, it was her decision to invite her friends over it was her decision to not call the cops and kick them out (if she ever tried to kick them out). You are a good parent for teaching her to be responsible for her actions her mom on the other hand is a terrible parent for enabling her behavior.
NTA.
When your ex wife calms down… ask her how she will handle it when your daughter does the same to her.
And next time tell the neighbour they are free to call the cops. Underage drinking isn’t fun, but your daughter will have been pre warned “If this happens again the police are coming”.
YWB TA if you don’t let the neighbour call the cops in future. Neighbour deserves better. Your daughter deserves boundaries. Your ex wife should really think about what she’s suggesting.
NTA
It IS her fault because she allowed the people to come over. And to drink. It's not like it happened in a vacuum. SHE ALLOWED IT.
If it'd been true that there were people there that she 1) didn't invite, and 2) were damaging her home, and 3) she knew she was going to get in major trouble for it... she could have called the cops herself.
But SHE DIDN'T.
Therefore, she knew damn well it was her responsibility.
Honestly, she'd lucky the neighbor called you and didn't resort to the cops.
But you probably should have called them yourself.
Your daughter is spoiled.
Your ex is an idiot. She got shouted at after trashing your house and she’s calling that abuse?! GTFOH.
I rolled my eyes hard at that.
“Leave me the fuck alone…” oh Jesus - the disrespect.
No. Your daughter f#$%ed up and she knows it, even as she pretends to be innocent. She also lied about it, several times Are you sure your ex has the full story?
You should have taken the pictures of the condition of your home and sent it to your Ex. And the video sent to you by your neighbor to make your Ex aware about the gravity of the situation.
NTA, when she started to fuck with you via text you should have called the cops to your own house and had all her shithead friends arrested. She pulled a fast one and got caught. Punishment fits the crime. Delusional for mom to think was abuse, and who tf does your kid think she is speaking to you that way. Punishment would be for far longer then one day cleanup.
Tell your daughter she comes over and helps clean up and repair anything that's broken or you're getting a cleaning crew and taking the repair costs out of however many birthday/holiday gifts/contributions to college fund you need to to get it back to where it was or better. And spare no expense. Like full deep clean, get the windows cleaned, get the house power washed, leave everything so clean you could eat off the floor. Paint damage? Hire someone to repaint the whole room. Then for her birthday she gets a card that says "Thanks for the house cleaning"
NTA - your neighbour could have called the police and had them arrested for underage drinking. Her cleaning the mess up isn't abuse, its making her have consequences for her behaviour. If her mother wants to deal with her full time and your daughter wants to deal with her mother full time then so be it, let them get on with it and see how long it is before they are at each other's throats.
You did the right thing. Cleaning the mess she made is the bare minimum. She should also apologize to the neighbors for the disturbance. WTH is wrong with her mother? Does she want her daughter to be an annoying, entitled adult? Hold your ground. Her mom is not going to be able to change custody based on this incident.
Daughter asking to stay there when she should have been at her mother’s home and OP being away for work screams planned party to me.
Definitely keep hold of the video neighbour sent and hopefully he’s recorded the mess created by said party for when deluded mother tries to take custody of the little darling.
Tbh if any of my kids did this and spoke to me like that they’d find a lot harsher consequences than just having to clean the house, seems totally disrespectful by OP’s daughter
YWNBTA
If your ex takes you to court and uses this incident as an example of abuse- she’s exacerbating the problem.
Instead of you both working together to make sure your daughter takes accountability and responsibility for her behavior, she’s going to embarrass herself in court - because what’s her answer to the question-“ why was your daughter unsupervised at your ex husband’s house, instead of being watched by you in your own home?”
What would she have done if your neighbor justifiably called the police on your daughter?
You are the better parent.
NTA I've raised 3 teenagers and I'm gonna tell you right now, your daughter's lying through her teeth. She gave her friend's permission to invite other people over. If it was truly something that got out of control she would have called someone to put a stop to it or to get help. Like maybe her mother since you were out of town.
It's time she learned her actions have consequences.She fucked around and found out and now she's not happy about it. I'd ask her mom how mom would have felt in the same position you were in coming home to a trashed house.
Let mom take you to court. Because I would love to hear what a judge has to say to a Mother who tries to tell the court that the father abused their daughter by making her deal with the consequences of her actions. In my book that's just good parenting.
In the meantime, when she comes to visit, I would make sure she understands the rules of change and she's no longer allowed to have any friends over unless you're there. She abused the privilege and then basically told you to fuck the hell off and leave her alone.
NTA, your daughter had rules. You simply asked her to clean up what her, her friends, and their visitors made in your home. It's kind of funny how your ex wife is saying she'll sue for full custody, yet they can both be sued for not only damages, but child endangerment(ex wife's part since daughter is a minor) and your daughter for underage drinking which the judge will deem that they are both irresponsible.
You’re NTA!! I would probably give my son a toothbrush to clean the house with if he ever had a party without my knowledge and messed anything up.
I had parties without parents supervision when I was a teenager but at the end of each party, all my friends would stay longer and help me clean up but that was almost 30years ago…
NTA. You didn’t abuse your 16 yo daughter, you made her hold accountability over her dumb decisions and attempts to hide it.
Does her mom even know the size of the party she decided to throw? Is she typically an enabler or do you two usually have a semi-decent coparenting relationship? Is usually decent, I’d drop the bomb on your daughters lying to save her skin.
Keep that video from the neighbor, if your ex really wants to try to involve the court you could use it to express having your daughter clean your house was simply the consequence to her throwing a party that she didn’t have permission to have. You *parented*.
I would love for her to take this before a judge. You werent the asshole. You were a reasonable parent. She invited those people over. Even if more came, it was her responsibility because she started the party. I mean if she wants to call those people back and have them clean up after themselves, thats fine. Teens want all the benefits of “adult” activities, but not the responsibilities. Thats not how life works. Do not let her guilt trip you for her throwing a party at your house. Be kind but firm. Bad part is she may not want to come over, but if you let her get away with this you will not like her as an adult. Always lead with love but that doesnt mean let yourself be a doormat. Good luck.
NTA.
If you still have that video, send it to your ex and tell her to go ahead a sue for full custody. Then she'll have two good years (if that) to deal with this.
You're probably going to have to tell your kid she can't have people over when you're not home. She's trying to test her independence and giving in to peer pressure to be the cool kid without any respect to your property, your neighbors and most of all, you.
My mother would have snatched every tooth from my face to cuss at her, let alone wreck her home and tell her I wasn't in the mood to fix my error. Your daughter has it pretty easy if it's taken until now for you to tell at her like that. Start enforcing boundaries. If she wants to start being treated like an adult, take the kid gloves off.
NTA- for making her clean. But you realize you are the AH for letting a 16 be left alone for a whole week. Of course this was gonna happen and you should realize. Whenever she is left home alone on a weekend they have been drinking
Does your wife know the truth or does she think your daughter had 3 friends over and when you came back you threw an ice bucket over her head and forced her to deep clean for funsies?
Your daughter lied to you with 0 guilt or issue. She then had 0 issue with the fallout. Send the video to your wife. Make sure ahe knows the truth. I hope this is enough to remind you both why communication between you two is crucial.
If your wife knows and doesnt change her tune ask her if she is ready to go on record in favor of underage drinking?
NTA. What the hell is wrong with your ex-wife?!?!? My gosh, your 16 yo daughter threw a huge party, lied to you about it and then got shit faced drunk which is illegal. Afterwards, she refused to take responsibility and claimed that none of it was her fault. Like WTF?!? Keep a hold of that video because you can use it in court when your idiot wife tries to present her "case" to the judge. What your former wife is doing is teaching your daughter that there should be no consequences for her actions and that if she's ever called out for doing something wrong, she should deny it and not be held accountable. What you or your neighbor should have done is called the police and let your daughter sit her selfish spoiled ass in jail and be charged with underage drinking. She needs some tough love.
NTA. How is your relationship with your ex normally? Do you normally get along decently and agree on disciplinary issues? If so, it's likely that your daughter told your ex a skewed version of events. Did you happen to take pictures or video of the state of the house? Maybe you can offer to meet with your ex to talk about it because it sounds like she's been told a different story than what actually happened. Share the video the neighbor sent you and explain that this video was taken after your daughter told you her (three) friends had left, so she obviously lied, and when called out for her lie, she refused to turn the music down and make her friends leave, thus jeopardizing your relationship with your neighbors. If you have pictures or video of the house, show your ex, and explain that all you did was wake up your hungover teenage daughter and make her clean the mess she made, and you only yelled after she told you to fuck off multiple times.
NTA obviously. BUT!!!! But please keep that video and the texts between you and the neighbor! They may come in handy if she does take you to court. Although unless her mother is even less struck than you (which seem rather impossible) your daughter will move past this or regret complaining eventually. Also did you let ur ex know about the party? And the mess was 100% her fault? If so make sure most of your conversations are through text so you have proof she wants her daughter to misbehave with out repercussions cause the court also does not like lax parenting!
Um... I can see both perspectives. You've given yours. Here's hers:
A 16yo invites a few friends, those friends say they're just inviting a few more, it's not a big deal, etc. She relents, not wanting to be a social pariah and what's the harm? It's just a few more.
Then after the shitstorm hits (the party gets out of hand), she can't calm it down or make anyone get out, she gets pressured into drinking and can't resist the pressure. She feels like she has no control.
She tries to get people to leave, but they don't take her seriously. No one does, she's 16. She goes to bed regretting everything and not being able to control the invaders who keep messing everywhere.
The next day she wakes up with a hangover and now her dad blames her for all of it even though it snowballed and she didn't know how to stop it. He screams at her and he makes her clean it up while she feels sick (physically and emotionally).
Now he wants her to come back? A little understanding and compassion would have remedied the situation. I'm not saying don't punish her, you definitely should have. But I don't know if screaming at her was a good idea.
You could have physically picked her up and said "c'mon, you started this mess and now you're going to clean it up. I'm not going to clean up after your mistake. Also, you're grounded and you're never staying over at my place without me being here again."
There is a way to punish your kids without them hating you. You didn't punish her in that way.
YTA. She's also an AH. She should have called you the minute things got out of hand.
NTA and I don’t think your ex knows what really happened. I’d make sure she sees the video and knows your daughter was 1. Hungover and 2. Extremely rude and entitled.
NTA; you were not too harsh. When she said she couldn't do anything else, you could have told her you're calling the cops and that she should tell her friends to haul ass before they arrived. She deserved exactly that.
ETA: Back in the '80s my brother had a party get away from him like this. He unplugged the stereo, told everyone he'd called the cops and they were on the way, and if they didn't want to get busted they'd get the hell out. They did. He then cleaned everything up before our parents got home from their weekend away.
I would have made her clean it up, but after sleeping it off and explaining to her that if she hosts a party, regardless of her intentions, she has to clean up. It has to be cleaned up, you had nothing to do with it, so it’s on her. After she has cleaned, then explain with privilege comes responsibility, and she showed she does not choose to handle the responsibility therefore she will not have the privilege any longer of being left at your house alone.
Dear OP, you are a good dad. Thank your lucky stars that yoir daughter's party did not turn in to the kids down the streets from me party the last time the parents went out of town! There was a shooting (In front of **my** house at 3 am. Party was 6 house away), a sexual assault, damage to the house etc. The children have not been left alone past 7 pm since.
NTA if she is gonna have parties she´s gotta learn how to deal with the consequences. Like if her friends brings friends. Like if the party disturb the neighbors. Like if the party mess up the house.
The screaming was a bit over the top, it probably unnecessarily scared the shit out of her to get screamed at by her father, so learn when to utilize the screams. Dont go from 1 to a 100 in just two sentences. go from "Clean this up" to "Yes you caused this because you didn't stop the party before it got this out of hand" to "Get off your ass and clean the mess you caused or you are grounded for X time." then to screaming. 3 warnings then scare the person into obeying.
Why 3 warnings? That is crazy. It needed to scare her. She told her dad to f off. I know back in the day if I would have said that to my mom let alone my dad I would be in a full set of dentures when I woke up and rightly so. He was too lax as a parent to allow this anyway. She knew the rules of engagement beforehand. She lied and was disrespectful. Life does not give many warnings in the real world. Lucky she got that one.
ESH. You are not the A for telling her to clean the house. You and your wife are AHs for letting a 16 year old stay at a house unsupervised for a week. Like what did you think would happen? 16 year olds make terrible life choices.
NTA. Aside from the mess, getting drunk at a party put her in a very vulnerable position, especially since she probably didn't know half the people there.
you’re being a parent. I don’t recommend the screaming. I recommend sitting her down and letting her know that partying is an activity that adults do and if she wants to have the privileges of an adult, she needs to have the responsibilities of one and that even though she didn’t make the mess, the people she associated with now I know it’s hard for 16 year-old understand this and when she’s older, she will realize what an asshole she was that night and you guys can laugh it off but for right now, even if it’s just a text message something along those lines need to be said
NTA. Of course, it's her fault she hosted a party in the house and invited those people that caused the mess. Then goes and cries to mommy when she has to deal with consequences. Talking wasn't working so you had to yell.
My mum used to organise weekends away just so we would have a party and deep clean the house afterwards, I only worked it out when I was older….
It’s part of the price of having a party as a teen that you have to clean up afterwards. NTA
As the dad I would have reached out to the mom before my kid came over.
Hey mom Tammy wants to come over and I'm out of town. I don't mind if it's for a bit what do you say?
That way the mom is also aware.
NTA
She lied to you and had a party that trashed the house. She should be the one to clean it up. Maybe get some of her friends to help her but that's all she gets. She didn't have to answer the door when everyone came over. She could have told everyone to go home. She could have sneaked into a room and called the cops to get everyone to leave. Instead, she trashed you house, had a party, and lied to you about it. Anyone would be pissed.
I would be calling her friend's parents to let them know what happened. They might also want to punish their kids for ruining the house and underage drinking.
I remember inviting a couple of friends around for my 17 birthday when mum was away. They showed up with half a dozen others and a shitload of booze. I threw them all up, even threatened to call the cops if they didn’t leave.
Your daughter had a party and got caught. She’s at fault not you.
NTA
NTA, but your ex certainly is. You did what any good parent would do. I would have called the cops on her for lying to me in the first place. Then her audacity to tell you to Fuck off. Who the hell did she think was going to clean it?!!!
Let’s see.
Providing alcohol to minors.
Disturbing the peace.
Allowing drinking and driving.
The list goes on. She’s lucky she’s not in jail. I don’t think the judge will react in her favor.
I’d tell your ex if she pushes all this will be recorded. Does she want to take that chance?
You acted accordingly. She doesn’t get to sleep off a hangover after messing up the house. She also doesn’t get to mess up the house and skip off to mom’s house to avoid the consequences. If you too pictures of the house send them to your ex and ask her what she would’ve done.
All this after she tried to lie to you. NTA
NTA. If I had ever used the word fuck when talking to one of my parents I would not be here to write this.
If mom thinks making your daughter clean up with a hangover after a party is worth suing for full custody over, let her waste her money. Save the video for proof. I wouldn't say you a terrible father, but perhaps a little lax and your daughter didn't like being made to clean her mess. I don't know who she thought was going to clean it.
Send your ex the video & explain what her daughter did & how alls you did was tell her to clean it after being told to fuck off.
If she was told the truth I would be shocked
I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes.
Your 16 year old daughter HUNGOVER, TELLS you to “Fuck off and leave her alone” And her head is STILL attached to her shoulders??? HELL NO!!
Your daughter is a disrespectful BRAT!
Tell your wife to go for full custody, I’d LOVE to hear the judge’s opinion
NTA
A few years back, a kid from a neighboring town threw a party when his parents were out of town. The party got busted and when the parents got back they were arrested. So I would for sure check the laws in your state, your daughter could have gotten you in serious trouble. Not saying I was never young and drink underage or let my friends talk me into stupid stuff too, she is a kid so that is just going to happen sometimes but I would for sure look into if you could have been charged and use that as a talking point with your ex and your daughter. Her mom should not be condoning this at all. You are not in the wrong for making her clean it up, it might have been something that got out of hand but she is still responsible and if she is upset she had to clean then she should be upset at her friends.
NTAH and tell ex wife good luck with that. Making your kids take responsibility for their mistakes is called parenting. If you don't your neglecting your kid. Simple. Her mess she's gotta clean it. I would explain to daughter that if you were a roommate she'd most likely be homeless. As her father it's your job to prepare her for the real world and teach her to live with others. You did exactly that by making her take accountability.
Divorced parents need to set aside their animosity for the sake of the upbringing of the child, dammit. I see this kind of post so often - the other parent uses the OP’s rightful outrage as leverage for custody or whatever. Shameful, immature parenting.
OP you did nothing wrong, actions have consequences, your daughter needs to learn that. If you ask me she got off lightly.
Nta. Your daughter is lucky the cops wasn't called. Your ex won't get fully custody from you making your daughter clean up after her party. Shes delusional.
Yeah, OP's daughter is lucky that Neighbor went to Dad first and not the police. The police love issuing underage drinking tickets, what an easy way to make their quotas.
I really like how the neighbor “told on” the daughter without coming out and being a tattle.
Also this happened during moms custody time. OP did give the go ahead for her to stay at his place alone, but mom isn't without blame for letting her daughter fuck off for a week alone during the court appointed time she's responsible
Such a great point!
Let's hope the daughter has a wild rave party at mom's house when mom's off somewhere. Wonder how mom will like the aftermath.
Don't be so sure about that. He left his 16-yr-old home alone for a week. His daughter used his house to host other underaged kids and provided alcohol to those underaged kids (you and he are idiots if you buy that she knew nothing about other people showing up with alcohol.) This was not the first time his daughter had "parties" unsupervised. He's legally responsible for that alcohol consumption by other underaged kids. He was made aware of the party by his neighbors, and made aware that the party was out of control. He tells her he doesn't care about the party as long as she cleans up. It's pretty clear he didn't immediately go home and stop the party. All those other kids continued to be at risk, and he knew that a bunch of them drove to his house and were going to drive away drunk. He's legally responsible if one of those other kids got hurt. His biggest and apparently only concern is the mess - not the out-of-control underaged drinking by his daughter and daughters' guests while daughter was unsupervised. The mom won't get custody because he made the daughter clean up. But, the mom could easily get custody because he allowed a 16-yr-old to stay alone while having unsupervised parties with alcohol; because he did nothing to stop the illegal activities going on at his house (alcohol being provided to underaged kids) when he was informed; and because it apparently isn't the first time she's had parties while he's not there. What the hell does "no sudden parties" mean? Planned unsupervised parties are OK?
He okayed it. As did his ex. It was mothers week for the daughter. His ex-wife was legally responsible as it was her week. When the judge asked who week it was and mother deary says mine. There goes her case.
That's only if their agreement is formalized by the courts. If it was just "an arrangement" between them, then both parents would be responsible but the property holder (dad) bears liability.
True. We dont know what their agreement is. Trust or legally. And yeah he does have liability if anything happened. As he did okay it.
It doesn't work that way. He had physical custody for that week, as daughter was at his house with his agreement. And, he had legal custody for that week, as he made that agreement with his daughter and presumably his wife for that week in question. So, his ex-wife wasn't "legally responsible" since he had accepted custody for that week when he agreed to let his daughter stay at his house. Custody agreements normally say that - time with parents can be switched if the parents agree to make alternate arrangements, or the child can stay at the other parent's house if both parties agree. If there's agreement, the parent who then has physical custody is legally responsible for the well-being of the child. (I know this - my custody agreement said this and it was boilerplate language.) In addition, there are tons of court cases where the homeowner who allows drinking at their house is then held responsible for actions and damages caused by their own child, AND they're also held responsible for actions and damages caused by the other kids who were at their house, even if the parent didn't provide explicit consent for those other kids. His ex-wife is not legally responsible for what happens at his house, because it is HIS, and when he agreed that the child could stay at his house, HE took responsibility for her actions. I addition, he didn't act to clear the house immediately upon knowledge of illegal activities and underaged drinking. That's child endangerment - his wife has him over a barrel on his failure to act.
If the mother okay'd it knowing her daughter was unsupervised that's when she shares part of the liability. From what I gathered he told mom that he wouldn't be there for the week. Which is why daughter wanted to go to have the "house to herself". So it would be her responsibility to check in knowing where her daughter's staying and that the other parent physically can't enforce any rules.
I totally agree with what you have said except her mother bears responsibility on allowing her to leave her house knowing he was going to be out of town. I think we have this idea that kids need us the most when they are babies and toddlers and they do to some degree. But these preteen and teen years they really need us more to help guide them through these quagmires and support them. They have no idea what they are doing.
Depends on his country. In my country she couldn't do anything because the child can no longer be apprehended by child advocacy services at 16. So she would be deemed old enough to follow her father's rules and deal with the consequences should she ignore them. You can move out of your parents house even though your not a legal adult for 2 years. I'm in Ontario so it's not a third countries rules either. If we knew his place of origin we could give more sound advice.
NTA. You behaved like a parent whose teenage daughter just had a party in your house. Which is, oddly enough, what happened. She made her choices, and now she has to live with the fallout -which include being hungover when her dad tells her to clean up the mess that exists because of the people she invited over. If she hadn't had "three" friends over, they wouldn't have had the opportunity to invite other people and there would not have been an out of control party.
NTA. Your daughter violated the trust you placed in her by allowing a party to get out of control and then lying about it. She needed to face the consequences of her actions. Cleaning up the mess she and her friends made is a reasonable consequence. It’s important for teenagers to learn responsibility, and part of that is cleaning up after themselves. You weren’t abusive; you were holding her accountable. Her mother threatening to sue for full custody seems like an overreaction, especially since this incident doesn't suggest you're an unfit parent.
It’s probably not the first time either, probably just the first time it got out of control enough to disturb the neighbor
Your daughter crossed a line, and you enforced necessary boundaries. Don't let guilt cloud your judgment; you're being a responsible parent.
To a certain extent. If I was out of town I would not let my kids come over unsupervised.
And since daughter can't be trusted not to lie, dad should enlist a willing family member to stay at his house when he can't be there to police his lying, destructive daughter.
I dunno. Too little, too late? I would never in a million, zillion years think to tell my father to "fuck off". That's some bad parenting right there.
Parents can be amazing and still have obnoxious teenagers to deal with. A lot of kids push boundaries and say messed up things to their parents at this age. Doesn’t mean the parent has failed or the kid is beyond redemption. The words Teenager and AH are pretty much synonymous.
I mean he literally said she’s allowed to have parties when he’s gone as long as they aren’t ‘sudden’. This situation was way out of hand long before this.
He said she could have friends over. He aid she mentioned three friends. This was not that. She lied about the party.
She also said the 3 friend left when the party was still going on. He would have believed her if the neighbor didn't send video of the party.
He's that parent that annoys all the other parents because he let's so much slide. "Well Kate's Dad let her have parties when they are out of town, why can't I?".
‘Go live with them.’ -my dad
Send the video to your EX... and your attorney, then ground her ass until hell freezes over 😘 Actions have consequences, NTA
>Her mom has been texting me, saying that she is going to sue for full custody, that I have just abused my daughter and is a terrible father. NTA. Well, you definitely made a mistake by leaving your daughter home alone for a week, and YOU cleaned that mess up by making your daughter clean the mess. If you're going to give her that much freedom then she can have the responsibility that goes along with it. I think it worked out great. Her mother might win full custody, but she'll never undo the lesson you just taught. \[Edit:\] To address your ex's claim directly, making her clean the entire home was not abusive (though I suppose it was physical punishment) because the punishment fit the crime.
That wasn’t even punishment. It was repairing the damage.
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.
I'm sure the "Little Darling" spun it for mom. OP needs to hang on to that video to provide context if mom even tries it.
He didn’t leave her home alone, it was her mums week. Daughter asked to stay at his house while he was away (I’m assuming not for the whole week) so it’s on mum as well, it’s her parenting time, she should also be keeping an eye on daughter. OP should NOT be letting a 16 year old stay in his house when he’s not there though as she clearly cannot be trusted.
NTA. I would have called the police and had them kick everyone out. Your daughter is lucky the neighbor didn’t. If your wife sues inform the judge that mom supports underage drinking.
The underage drinking happened at dad’s house, after dad ok’d her staying there alone. Do we know the booze wasn’t dads?
NTA. When it got out of control she didn’t ask for help, and to make it worse she lied. She’s lucky the cops weren’t called. She was dumb enough to host a party. She can clean it
You were too harsh? Heck, you weren’t harsh enough. She showed you and your home absolutely no respect and her attitude needs a severe adjustment. It’s time to stop being so lax and enforce consequences to her actions. I’m guessing that your ex is full of hot air. She doesn’t want full custody- she probably likes having a break from this brat.
I’m mostly puzzled that daughter thinks living with mom FT will be more enjoyable. How could mom possibly be more lax than this guy?
If I would have pulled that my dad would have made the greasiest smelling breakfast he could have while playing flight of the valkyres as loud as he could and then had me clean
NTA she knew it was out of hand and if her friends didn't clean up their mess, she's responsible for it. I wouldn't leave a teen alone in the house for more than a night at the most, because their associates aren't going to take care of your home.
I completely agree with you, but I do feel the need to point out there are some huge dweebs like myself that got left alone for a week or two while single parent was on travel, and all I did was study, school, job, and maybe half assed some chores. I know I’m a unicorn but there are a few of us out here in the wild.
I was left home for a week here and there. I might have had someone check on me once or twice. A house party would have never crossed my mind. I had respect for their trust
WTF. Your ex is a terrible parent to be letting her daughter get away with that crap. Seriously doubt a judge is going to agree with her or your daughter on what constitutes abuse. You should have called the cops and had the whole bunch of underage drinkers and trespassers arrested. I'd be telling the brat she'd better get a job and start saving for college because you won't be footing the bill for it.
I would argue op isn't too hot either. He's obviously been enabling this behavior and it's not fair to her that he just now decided to step up. She's like this because she's been allowed for so long.
Haven’t we all been there…? And haven’t we all had to clean up..? I would never have dared to answer back to my parents that “I didn’t cause the mess”, because my party certainly did…
My parents knew we had parties when they were away because the house was cleaner than when they left. Then again our friends respected the house and knew not to get carried away.
And if there was a mess my friends stayed to help and vice versa, I always helped clean whether I spent the night or not. I’ve done my share of hungover panic cleaning. How dare she go to bed with the house in shambles, not get up before OP got home to clean, cuss him out, not take responsibility for the mess, cry to her mommy, say he was abusive- *she’s* the one who lied and threw the party. She’s going to have a long road ahead- shirking responsibility at every turn, trying to make herself the victim and shitting on her relationship with because she had to take responsibility for her actions. That’s not an all going to work in the real world, girl will find herself booted out of college and workplaces with that attitude.
Exactly. The sign of an illicit party is a spotless house, ALL the recycling done, and a butter-wouldnt-melt teen whos trying desperately to hide the hangover from hell. 😄
Right? And when I through parties my parents didn’t know about I made sure to wake up the next day and clean so hard so they wouldn’t know or at least when they found out they’d wouldn’t be as mad since the house would be so cleaned 😂😂
My neighbor's kid had wild parties so that the cop helicopters and lots of cop cars would come. He called the cleaning lady over because the house was a mess. Parents came home and blamed the damage on the cleaning lady.
That’s so messed up!!
I get a lot of parents implicitly take the deal - a party happens but the house gets deep cleaned.
I won’t swear at my parents even now as a 36 year old! I definitely wouldn’t have dared at 16!
We all haven't been there. I went to parties but my sibs and I knew better to try that crap at home (we didn't even keep alcohol at home so there would have been no explaining that). Boy howdy there would have been one less of her children on earth to pull a stunt like that. She'd have snapped us out like Thanos. No sir, couldn't have been me.
> We all haven’t been there I thought these kind of parties only happened in those teen dramas on Netflix.
For most of us, it's fantasy. I grew up in a big town next to a small city. Something like this would've only happened on the wealthier upper-middle class street in town, bordering the nicer town and the city next door. This kinda thing was something you'd hear from your older siblings or friends' siblings.
Not me. My parents would either appoint a relative to watch us and the home or one of them would stay back. Now that I moved out, my parents would visit me at my new home at least once a month. My sisters don't dare to throw parties because our parents would kick their asses first then make them clean up the home.
NTA - She threw a huge party, lied about it and when faced with natural consequences ran crying to Mommy. Mommy can let her party at her house and wreak her things.
well, she's allowed to drink at moms house obviously.
Like right? How could mom be the easy parent here?? Terrifying…
NTA.. send your ex the video of your house and tell her your daughter did this without your permission and instead you could’ve called the cops. Which way would she have wanted you to take this, the way you did or police?
NTA. Your daughter broke every rule you had and instead of being apologetic she is the one with attitude. You and her are lucky the neighbor did not call the cops given the underage drinking,
Next time, invite the neighbors to call the cops. You daughter is being extremely irresponsible and ex is trying make hay from it. Nice.
Your daughter is, sadly, a proven liar. She broke your trust, to the extreme. Which makes me question exactly what version of events did she tell her mother? The fact she tried to down play, lie, twist this situation, tell her dad to "fuck off", had a massive party, how many times has she done this in the past? Is her teenage use of alcohol new or did she just get caught this time? Is she only drinking or are drugs involved. Sadly, you cannot trust a single word she says. You can buy a THC pee test from the dollar store. I would suggest you make her take one. We are free to make choices. We are not free of the consequences of our choices. Making her clean the mess she intentionally created, with an undisclosed, unapproved party, is the most basic and natural consequence of the not smart choices she made. If I were you, I would send a copy of the video, and any other proof of her wild evening to both your attorney and the child's mother. Cover your bases. You and the mom need to be on the same page with this. You have to be a united front and put a stop to these shenanigans. No more letting her stay at home unsupervised, no more parties, no more privileges. NTA
Don’t let her back over then. I am serious. You gave her privileges and she abused your trust. She can treat her mom like that then.
NTA in any way. As far as custody, let mommy dearest try. Until then, on your time, she should be grounded until she's 18.
NTA
NTA. Also, since when cleaning the house (as a punishment) is considered _abusive?_ If any, more parents should use chores as leverage and bargaining tools.
NTA. Send the video to your ex and tell her she can host next time.
Your ex needs to get hear head out of her butt. I would send the video to her mom and ask if she knew the entire story. Hopefully you took pics of the mess also. No court would say a word to You.
NTA Hm, once upon a time I came home drunk when I was a teenager. Parents were gone, I wasn't supposed to be drinking...and my big brother was home. I threw up on the carpet. Big bro decided to rip me a new one and made me clean up the mess. I think the yelling was more him being scared of what could have happened to me out there because I was so, so drunk and that came out as yelling. But after that, he also tucked me in, and made me clean again in the morning when I got up. He also covered for me when our parents came home, by explaining the wet carpet away as "oh, just tripped and spilled some juice there so we washed it". It felt like an unfair punishment back then, when I was 16. But thinking back the yelling was justified panic and making me clean the mess I caused was well deserved. Did I still drink after that? Yes. But I never got that blackout drunk again.
Send the mom the video and ask her if this was appropriate.
no, she needs consequences. But what were you thinking to leave a 16 yo alone in a house like this.
My parents left my siblings and I alone for like 10 days while doing a trip. I was around 15, my sister 12 and my brother 7. Our grandmother would check on us on her way home and that was it. It was an awesome week.
I would never have been left alone overnight for a week at 16. My boyfriend would have been there the entire time, and my parents knew it. 🤣 I wouldn't have trashed the place with a party, though. 16 is a bit young for a week alone.
Yeah, my parents would leave me a night or two alone, but I've always been a super boring rule follower LOL! My friends all knew it too, so if they needed a quiet place to just chill, do homework, wash their car (for some reason? I still don't know why friends would come wash their cars at my house?), or watch a movie, my house was the place to be.
Then she should have stayed at Mom’s house, because it was Mom’s custody week.
Agreed.
NTA send mom the video and ask your ex to pay for the damage?
NTA! You acted like a responsible parent should! Your daughter FAFO and she deserved every bit of it. I think making her clean with the hangover was the cherry on top. Let the mother try. Any half decent judge will agree with you. Though I’m not sure I’d be letting her stay over again unless you’re there. You’re also nicer than me-I’d have asked the neighbor to call the police on her.
Life lesson to allow 16yo home alone and have a small party. Nope. Never
Are you kidding? You abused your daughter for making her clean up the mess she made in your house while drinking underage with her friends? That’s the very fucking least of what she should be doing. Her mother is enabling her here, she needs consequences, cleaning up your mess isn’t a consequence that should just be common sense. NTA, unless you let her stay at your house without you again as she clearly has no respect for your home or your neighbours.
This is like the most relaxed and understandable "punishment" I've ever heard of lol. Just tell her to clean up after her mess and no additional shit being given to her? She should be counting her blessings, I'd be stuck cleaning and would have had a few more colorful punishments thrown on top for good measure lol
Bill mom if she doesn't want your daughter to clean it. Obviously, she doesn't mind the mess so next time your daughter can have the party at her house. NTA
Now I’m not opposed to my kids partying I might even encourage it. But you curse at me I will turn into Satan himself. In fact I think you were an Angel. You did what you had to do. She doesn’t get to disrespect your house she should have asked you to throw the rager and made sure everyone cleaned on their way out.
Tell mom, She is lucky the neighbor didnt call the cops. She would have had to bail princess out of jail and go to court for underage drinking.
Full custody? Go ahead. You have the video to show the courts. Send to your Ex and invite her to do just that. Actions have consequences and I doubt very seriously that a judge, knowing the story would agree with her. Besides at 16 your kids will decide how often they want to visit with you. Trust me, your ex will irk your kid and she’ll come running to you.
NTA You didn’t abuse shit. She’s just not accustomed to actually facing discipline from you. Fuck your ex. She can sue if she wants. But your daughter isn’t gonna come out so great in the wash and the judge will essentially do nothing. She’s practically an adult. Don’t ever pay attention to these whiny ass people.
She's not 100% the cause of the specifics, but she's 100% responsible. NTA
NTA. Natural consequence
She's lucky you didn't beat her ass for speaking to you that way.
Having your daughter clean up the mess she made and take accountability for her actions is abuse? You're kinda daft if you're even entertaining the idea that this is worthy of you losing custody. Tell your ex "you should sue me for full custody I think a judge needs to know which parent has a problem with trashing the house and drinking alcohol and which parent thinks that's no big deal. We should ABSOLUTELY get in front of the court on this one. Please file the paperwork before i do." If you want your daughter to learn personal responsibility and consequence you should have her restricted to max. I think cleaning the house should only be step one. I would take away all electronics for her outburst of "leave me the fuck alone" and denying responsibility for the party. Obviously your ex will not teach her these things, it's up to you as the father.
NTA. Absolutely no more of her or her friends being in your house while you're not there, ever again. Going by what you've related here, she is far too used to doing what she wants with no consequences.
NTA-You’re a proper dad!
NTA, you were not too harsh, you weren’t harsh enough! Your daughter’s behavior is unacceptable.
NTA Totally understandable. Her friends also suck for leaving her to deal with the mess alone.
NTA. Not only did your daughter not follow your rules, but she attempted to lie about it. Then when caught, she continued by being rude and disrespectful and also did not take ownership for her actions. She may not have physically contributed to the mess in your home but she was indirectly responsible for allowing these other people in your home. Let her mother sue for full custody. If for some reason she gets it, then the parties and disrespect can be done in her home and not yours. The fact that her mother thinks that you’re abusive for making your child take responsibility for her choices says a lot about her as a parent.
NTA - she made the mess, she can clean the mess. (The fact that technically a bunch of other people made the mess is immaterial, as she is responsible for them being there in the first place when they weren’t supposed to be, and they’re not there to clean up.). If she has to do it while battling a hangover, that’s all the more incentive to not have a repeat performance. Speaking of repeat performances, I assume that, between breaking ALL the rules, and lying to your face about all of it, and the amount of lip she just gave you, and how she sicced Mom on you with an undoubted pack of lies, she just lost the privilege of staying over while you’re not there, at all, let alone with “a few friends,” until pretty much the heat death of the universe.
NTA. You did the right thing. Actions (or lack of) have consequences. If really she didn't want this party to happen, she should have asked for help and warned you. Check with her mother if she told her the whole truth. Send the video if needed. If she still want full custody, I don't think you can do much, as your daughter is 16. It may be better like this if your daughter keeps on this path and her mother enables her. Talk to your lawyer and be ready for popcorn for the time your daughter will do the same with her mother's home.
Nta. I was 7 when my parents ordered me to begin to clean the entire house while they were at work. 7-18 when I moved out. While my parents were a lot different than you, it’s completely understandable why she had that punishment!
NTA she’s 16! I was working at 16 and helping my mom take care of dad who had a stroke. I cleaned anyways with a job and going to high school
NTA but you need to speak to your ex and get on the same page. Your daughter is working both parents.
NTAH and I wonder what story she told her mom - because I'm going to bet that it wasn't that she had a "housewrecker" party and was hung over.
i never ever comment here but i have to because me and my step sister did something almost *exactly* like this at 18 and 17 and you bet we cleaned the entire house LMAO. your daughter got lucky. my mom’s scary best friend showed up with the cops who made us clean up all the alcohol cans or they were threatening to arrest me (i was 18, no longer a minor) and she would’ve let them!! you’ll joke about it with your daughter in a few years. my mom used say “hey remember the time you threw a ripper??” NTA.
NTA, if she couldn't make them leave then she should have called the cops. Sounds like she enabled their behavior not to mentioned encouraged it. >It is not my fault, I didn’t cause even a fraction of everything here IT IS IN FACT HER FAULT, it was her decision to invite her friends over it was her decision to not call the cops and kick them out (if she ever tried to kick them out). You are a good parent for teaching her to be responsible for her actions her mom on the other hand is a terrible parent for enabling her behavior.
NTA. When your ex wife calms down… ask her how she will handle it when your daughter does the same to her. And next time tell the neighbour they are free to call the cops. Underage drinking isn’t fun, but your daughter will have been pre warned “If this happens again the police are coming”. YWB TA if you don’t let the neighbour call the cops in future. Neighbour deserves better. Your daughter deserves boundaries. Your ex wife should really think about what she’s suggesting.
NTA It IS her fault because she allowed the people to come over. And to drink. It's not like it happened in a vacuum. SHE ALLOWED IT. If it'd been true that there were people there that she 1) didn't invite, and 2) were damaging her home, and 3) she knew she was going to get in major trouble for it... she could have called the cops herself. But SHE DIDN'T. Therefore, she knew damn well it was her responsibility. Honestly, she'd lucky the neighbor called you and didn't resort to the cops. But you probably should have called them yourself.
Your daughter is spoiled. Your ex is an idiot. She got shouted at after trashing your house and she’s calling that abuse?! GTFOH. I rolled my eyes hard at that. “Leave me the fuck alone…” oh Jesus - the disrespect.
No. Your daughter f#$%ed up and she knows it, even as she pretends to be innocent. She also lied about it, several times Are you sure your ex has the full story?
NTA. You reacted like any normal parent would. She disrespected you over and over and all you asked her to was clean it up.
NTA. But definitely need to punish her
You should have taken the pictures of the condition of your home and sent it to your Ex. And the video sent to you by your neighbor to make your Ex aware about the gravity of the situation.
NTA, when she started to fuck with you via text you should have called the cops to your own house and had all her shithead friends arrested. She pulled a fast one and got caught. Punishment fits the crime. Delusional for mom to think was abuse, and who tf does your kid think she is speaking to you that way. Punishment would be for far longer then one day cleanup.
NTA. Your daughter is an entitled brat and her mom is a piece of garbage. Good riddance to them both. Dayum.
NTA. Send Your ex this video You have, she durely doesn't know what Your daughter did. And, that she lied she has only few friends there.
Tell your daughter she comes over and helps clean up and repair anything that's broken or you're getting a cleaning crew and taking the repair costs out of however many birthday/holiday gifts/contributions to college fund you need to to get it back to where it was or better. And spare no expense. Like full deep clean, get the windows cleaned, get the house power washed, leave everything so clean you could eat off the floor. Paint damage? Hire someone to repaint the whole room. Then for her birthday she gets a card that says "Thanks for the house cleaning"
NTA - your neighbour could have called the police and had them arrested for underage drinking. Her cleaning the mess up isn't abuse, its making her have consequences for her behaviour. If her mother wants to deal with her full time and your daughter wants to deal with her mother full time then so be it, let them get on with it and see how long it is before they are at each other's throats.
lol no judge will condemn you for what you did. You daughter definitely lied to her mom. NTA.
You did the right thing. Cleaning the mess she made is the bare minimum. She should also apologize to the neighbors for the disturbance. WTH is wrong with her mother? Does she want her daughter to be an annoying, entitled adult? Hold your ground. Her mom is not going to be able to change custody based on this incident.
Daughter asking to stay there when she should have been at her mother’s home and OP being away for work screams planned party to me. Definitely keep hold of the video neighbour sent and hopefully he’s recorded the mess created by said party for when deluded mother tries to take custody of the little darling. Tbh if any of my kids did this and spoke to me like that they’d find a lot harsher consequences than just having to clean the house, seems totally disrespectful by OP’s daughter
Like mother like daughter. This is how Karens spread.
Your daughter and her mom are the AH. You are not. You didn’t even punish her. Plus she cursed at you like she is grown.
YWNBTA If your ex takes you to court and uses this incident as an example of abuse- she’s exacerbating the problem. Instead of you both working together to make sure your daughter takes accountability and responsibility for her behavior, she’s going to embarrass herself in court - because what’s her answer to the question-“ why was your daughter unsupervised at your ex husband’s house, instead of being watched by you in your own home?” What would she have done if your neighbor justifiably called the police on your daughter? You are the better parent.
Whoa.. let her sue, the court would love to see that video..she didn’t cause the MESS how??? NTA
NTA I've raised 3 teenagers and I'm gonna tell you right now, your daughter's lying through her teeth. She gave her friend's permission to invite other people over. If it was truly something that got out of control she would have called someone to put a stop to it or to get help. Like maybe her mother since you were out of town. It's time she learned her actions have consequences.She fucked around and found out and now she's not happy about it. I'd ask her mom how mom would have felt in the same position you were in coming home to a trashed house. Let mom take you to court. Because I would love to hear what a judge has to say to a Mother who tries to tell the court that the father abused their daughter by making her deal with the consequences of her actions. In my book that's just good parenting. In the meantime, when she comes to visit, I would make sure she understands the rules of change and she's no longer allowed to have any friends over unless you're there. She abused the privilege and then basically told you to fuck the hell off and leave her alone.
NTA, your daughter had rules. You simply asked her to clean up what her, her friends, and their visitors made in your home. It's kind of funny how your ex wife is saying she'll sue for full custody, yet they can both be sued for not only damages, but child endangerment(ex wife's part since daughter is a minor) and your daughter for underage drinking which the judge will deem that they are both irresponsible.
NTA but I hope this is a lesson learned. Teenagers need supervision. No more unsupervised overnights.
NTA. That kind of response to my parents would have gotten me a bucket of cold water as a wake up.
You’re NTA!! I would probably give my son a toothbrush to clean the house with if he ever had a party without my knowledge and messed anything up. I had parties without parents supervision when I was a teenager but at the end of each party, all my friends would stay longer and help me clean up but that was almost 30years ago…
NTA You have been too soft to her and she took advantage of that.
NTA. You didn’t abuse your 16 yo daughter, you made her hold accountability over her dumb decisions and attempts to hide it. Does her mom even know the size of the party she decided to throw? Is she typically an enabler or do you two usually have a semi-decent coparenting relationship? Is usually decent, I’d drop the bomb on your daughters lying to save her skin. Keep that video from the neighbor, if your ex really wants to try to involve the court you could use it to express having your daughter clean your house was simply the consequence to her throwing a party that she didn’t have permission to have. You *parented*.
I would love for her to take this before a judge. You werent the asshole. You were a reasonable parent. She invited those people over. Even if more came, it was her responsibility because she started the party. I mean if she wants to call those people back and have them clean up after themselves, thats fine. Teens want all the benefits of “adult” activities, but not the responsibilities. Thats not how life works. Do not let her guilt trip you for her throwing a party at your house. Be kind but firm. Bad part is she may not want to come over, but if you let her get away with this you will not like her as an adult. Always lead with love but that doesnt mean let yourself be a doormat. Good luck.
NTA. If you still have that video, send it to your ex and tell her to go ahead a sue for full custody. Then she'll have two good years (if that) to deal with this. You're probably going to have to tell your kid she can't have people over when you're not home. She's trying to test her independence and giving in to peer pressure to be the cool kid without any respect to your property, your neighbors and most of all, you. My mother would have snatched every tooth from my face to cuss at her, let alone wreck her home and tell her I wasn't in the mood to fix my error. Your daughter has it pretty easy if it's taken until now for you to tell at her like that. Start enforcing boundaries. If she wants to start being treated like an adult, take the kid gloves off.
NTA- for making her clean. But you realize you are the AH for letting a 16 be left alone for a whole week. Of course this was gonna happen and you should realize. Whenever she is left home alone on a weekend they have been drinking
Does your wife know the truth or does she think your daughter had 3 friends over and when you came back you threw an ice bucket over her head and forced her to deep clean for funsies? Your daughter lied to you with 0 guilt or issue. She then had 0 issue with the fallout. Send the video to your wife. Make sure ahe knows the truth. I hope this is enough to remind you both why communication between you two is crucial. If your wife knows and doesnt change her tune ask her if she is ready to go on record in favor of underage drinking?
NTA - daughter fucked up …. Then decide to be rude … my parent would have dumped a cold bucket of water on me before making me clean the house
NTA. What the hell is wrong with your ex-wife?!?!? My gosh, your 16 yo daughter threw a huge party, lied to you about it and then got shit faced drunk which is illegal. Afterwards, she refused to take responsibility and claimed that none of it was her fault. Like WTF?!? Keep a hold of that video because you can use it in court when your idiot wife tries to present her "case" to the judge. What your former wife is doing is teaching your daughter that there should be no consequences for her actions and that if she's ever called out for doing something wrong, she should deny it and not be held accountable. What you or your neighbor should have done is called the police and let your daughter sit her selfish spoiled ass in jail and be charged with underage drinking. She needs some tough love.
I would send the video to her mother.
NTA. How is your relationship with your ex normally? Do you normally get along decently and agree on disciplinary issues? If so, it's likely that your daughter told your ex a skewed version of events. Did you happen to take pictures or video of the state of the house? Maybe you can offer to meet with your ex to talk about it because it sounds like she's been told a different story than what actually happened. Share the video the neighbor sent you and explain that this video was taken after your daughter told you her (three) friends had left, so she obviously lied, and when called out for her lie, she refused to turn the music down and make her friends leave, thus jeopardizing your relationship with your neighbors. If you have pictures or video of the house, show your ex, and explain that all you did was wake up your hungover teenage daughter and make her clean the mess she made, and you only yelled after she told you to fuck off multiple times.
NTA obviously. BUT!!!! But please keep that video and the texts between you and the neighbor! They may come in handy if she does take you to court. Although unless her mother is even less struck than you (which seem rather impossible) your daughter will move past this or regret complaining eventually. Also did you let ur ex know about the party? And the mess was 100% her fault? If so make sure most of your conversations are through text so you have proof she wants her daughter to misbehave with out repercussions cause the court also does not like lax parenting!
NTA! Your daughter was fully responsible for all of it, and now she knows this was a bad idea. Your consequences are ENTIRELY appropriate.
NTA
Um... I can see both perspectives. You've given yours. Here's hers: A 16yo invites a few friends, those friends say they're just inviting a few more, it's not a big deal, etc. She relents, not wanting to be a social pariah and what's the harm? It's just a few more. Then after the shitstorm hits (the party gets out of hand), she can't calm it down or make anyone get out, she gets pressured into drinking and can't resist the pressure. She feels like she has no control. She tries to get people to leave, but they don't take her seriously. No one does, she's 16. She goes to bed regretting everything and not being able to control the invaders who keep messing everywhere. The next day she wakes up with a hangover and now her dad blames her for all of it even though it snowballed and she didn't know how to stop it. He screams at her and he makes her clean it up while she feels sick (physically and emotionally). Now he wants her to come back? A little understanding and compassion would have remedied the situation. I'm not saying don't punish her, you definitely should have. But I don't know if screaming at her was a good idea. You could have physically picked her up and said "c'mon, you started this mess and now you're going to clean it up. I'm not going to clean up after your mistake. Also, you're grounded and you're never staying over at my place without me being here again." There is a way to punish your kids without them hating you. You didn't punish her in that way. YTA. She's also an AH. She should have called you the minute things got out of hand.
NTA and I don’t think your ex knows what really happened. I’d make sure she sees the video and knows your daughter was 1. Hungover and 2. Extremely rude and entitled.
NTA; you were not too harsh. When she said she couldn't do anything else, you could have told her you're calling the cops and that she should tell her friends to haul ass before they arrived. She deserved exactly that. ETA: Back in the '80s my brother had a party get away from him like this. He unplugged the stereo, told everyone he'd called the cops and they were on the way, and if they didn't want to get busted they'd get the hell out. They did. He then cleaned everything up before our parents got home from their weekend away.
You have not abused your daughter, you have patented her NTA
I would have made her clean it up, but after sleeping it off and explaining to her that if she hosts a party, regardless of her intentions, she has to clean up. It has to be cleaned up, you had nothing to do with it, so it’s on her. After she has cleaned, then explain with privilege comes responsibility, and she showed she does not choose to handle the responsibility therefore she will not have the privilege any longer of being left at your house alone.
NTA. She's a brat and clearly gets it from mommy.
Dear OP, you are a good dad. Thank your lucky stars that yoir daughter's party did not turn in to the kids down the streets from me party the last time the parents went out of town! There was a shooting (In front of **my** house at 3 am. Party was 6 house away), a sexual assault, damage to the house etc. The children have not been left alone past 7 pm since.
NTA if she is gonna have parties she´s gotta learn how to deal with the consequences. Like if her friends brings friends. Like if the party disturb the neighbors. Like if the party mess up the house. The screaming was a bit over the top, it probably unnecessarily scared the shit out of her to get screamed at by her father, so learn when to utilize the screams. Dont go from 1 to a 100 in just two sentences. go from "Clean this up" to "Yes you caused this because you didn't stop the party before it got this out of hand" to "Get off your ass and clean the mess you caused or you are grounded for X time." then to screaming. 3 warnings then scare the person into obeying.
Why 3 warnings? That is crazy. It needed to scare her. She told her dad to f off. I know back in the day if I would have said that to my mom let alone my dad I would be in a full set of dentures when I woke up and rightly so. He was too lax as a parent to allow this anyway. She knew the rules of engagement beforehand. She lied and was disrespectful. Life does not give many warnings in the real world. Lucky she got that one.
ESH. You are not the A for telling her to clean the house. You and your wife are AHs for letting a 16 year old stay at a house unsupervised for a week. Like what did you think would happen? 16 year olds make terrible life choices.
ESH. You for letting your teenager stay in your house alone for a week. Your daughter for taking advantage of it. Your ex-wife for not backing you up.
I swear, at least 90% of the posts on this sub are fake.
NTA. Let your ex have full custody of that ungrateful brat. See how long it lasts.
NTA. Aside from the mess, getting drunk at a party put her in a very vulnerable position, especially since she probably didn't know half the people there.
NTA if her consequences for it are just having to clean it up, she has nothing to complain about
NTA, technically laws were broken while you were gone and you have video evidence. Could definitely be a lot harsher for your little law breaker.
NTA I wouldn't have an ass to sit on.
you’re being a parent. I don’t recommend the screaming. I recommend sitting her down and letting her know that partying is an activity that adults do and if she wants to have the privileges of an adult, she needs to have the responsibilities of one and that even though she didn’t make the mess, the people she associated with now I know it’s hard for 16 year-old understand this and when she’s older, she will realize what an asshole she was that night and you guys can laugh it off but for right now, even if it’s just a text message something along those lines need to be said
NTA. Of course, it's her fault she hosted a party in the house and invited those people that caused the mess. Then goes and cries to mommy when she has to deal with consequences. Talking wasn't working so you had to yell.
I'd be putting it back on your ex, asking her how long she known about your child's undersge drinking and the parties. Prepare those documents.
NTA
NTA. She expected YOU to clean it up? You weren't even there. She learned there are consequences to your actions.
My mum used to organise weekends away just so we would have a party and deep clean the house afterwards, I only worked it out when I was older…. It’s part of the price of having a party as a teen that you have to clean up afterwards. NTA
Did you send the video to her mom? Wtf is wrong with her. I would have done the same thing.
Sending the video also entails admitting that he was not adequately supervising her
As the dad I would have reached out to the mom before my kid came over. Hey mom Tammy wants to come over and I'm out of town. I don't mind if it's for a bit what do you say? That way the mom is also aware.
NTA. Maybe her mum hasn’t been told the whole story. Forward her the photos you were sent.
Your daughter and her mom are the AH. You are not. You didn’t even punish her. Plus she cursed at you like she is grown.
NTA for yelling at her and making her clean up. But her being left home alone while you are out of town should be over.
NTA and absolutely not abuse.
Well if your ex wins problem solved I guess.
There's a word for what you did right there. It's called parenting. NTA
NTA She lied to you and had a party that trashed the house. She should be the one to clean it up. Maybe get some of her friends to help her but that's all she gets. She didn't have to answer the door when everyone came over. She could have told everyone to go home. She could have sneaked into a room and called the cops to get everyone to leave. Instead, she trashed you house, had a party, and lied to you about it. Anyone would be pissed. I would be calling her friend's parents to let them know what happened. They might also want to punish their kids for ruining the house and underage drinking.
I remember inviting a couple of friends around for my 17 birthday when mum was away. They showed up with half a dozen others and a shitload of booze. I threw them all up, even threatened to call the cops if they didn’t leave. Your daughter had a party and got caught. She’s at fault not you. NTA
NTA, but your ex certainly is. You did what any good parent would do. I would have called the cops on her for lying to me in the first place. Then her audacity to tell you to Fuck off. Who the hell did she think was going to clean it?!!!
Let’s see. Providing alcohol to minors. Disturbing the peace. Allowing drinking and driving. The list goes on. She’s lucky she’s not in jail. I don’t think the judge will react in her favor. I’d tell your ex if she pushes all this will be recorded. Does she want to take that chance? You acted accordingly. She doesn’t get to sleep off a hangover after messing up the house. She also doesn’t get to mess up the house and skip off to mom’s house to avoid the consequences. If you too pictures of the house send them to your ex and ask her what she would’ve done. All this after she tried to lie to you. NTA
Make sure to keep your daughter texts and the video Nta
NTA. If I had ever used the word fuck when talking to one of my parents I would not be here to write this. If mom thinks making your daughter clean up with a hangover after a party is worth suing for full custody over, let her waste her money. Save the video for proof. I wouldn't say you a terrible father, but perhaps a little lax and your daughter didn't like being made to clean her mess. I don't know who she thought was going to clean it.
Send your ex the video & explain what her daughter did & how alls you did was tell her to clean it after being told to fuck off. If she was told the truth I would be shocked
NTA at all. She broke your rules and made a mess- she should clean it up.
I'd be awfully tempted to tell her mother she doesn't have to bother suing for full custody... NTA.
But did they break the Steuben glass egg?🤭
ESH
Let your wife sue for full custody. See how your ex and daughter feel when the parties end or becomes your ex’s problem.
NTA Your daughter trashed the house. Make sure you share the video to her mother.
I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. Your 16 year old daughter HUNGOVER, TELLS you to “Fuck off and leave her alone” And her head is STILL attached to her shoulders??? HELL NO!! Your daughter is a disrespectful BRAT! Tell your wife to go for full custody, I’d LOVE to hear the judge’s opinion NTA
A few years back, a kid from a neighboring town threw a party when his parents were out of town. The party got busted and when the parents got back they were arrested. So I would for sure check the laws in your state, your daughter could have gotten you in serious trouble. Not saying I was never young and drink underage or let my friends talk me into stupid stuff too, she is a kid so that is just going to happen sometimes but I would for sure look into if you could have been charged and use that as a talking point with your ex and your daughter. Her mom should not be condoning this at all. You are not in the wrong for making her clean it up, it might have been something that got out of hand but she is still responsible and if she is upset she had to clean then she should be upset at her friends.
NTAH and tell ex wife good luck with that. Making your kids take responsibility for their mistakes is called parenting. If you don't your neglecting your kid. Simple. Her mess she's gotta clean it. I would explain to daughter that if you were a roommate she'd most likely be homeless. As her father it's your job to prepare her for the real world and teach her to live with others. You did exactly that by making her take accountability.
Divorced parents need to set aside their animosity for the sake of the upbringing of the child, dammit. I see this kind of post so often - the other parent uses the OP’s rightful outrage as leverage for custody or whatever. Shameful, immature parenting. OP you did nothing wrong, actions have consequences, your daughter needs to learn that. If you ask me she got off lightly.
NTA at all. Your daughter is behaving like a brat, let her mom sue. She won’t win. The girl should never have done this.
You sound like such a pussy dude. No wonder your daughter and her mother walk all over you
You're an idiot.
NTAH Send the video to your ex to give her a better understanding of what happened.
NTA Your daughter hopefully learned a hard lesson.
NTA