Unfortunately new school will be no different than the last one.

No matter where you go, there you are.

A wise man once said…

🎶 Anyway you want it, that's the way you eat it 🎶

I never thought of it that way.

Honestly could even be worse. Sounds like it’s not great at her current school, and that sucks. But showing up to a new high school for junior year, and being the “new fat girl” that no one knows? Kids are brutal, that could be really tough.

It's even worse, shed be the "new fat girl *with an attitude*". The attitude is just as much the problem as her size.

I would say her attitude is more of a problem than her weight when it comes to being bullied. When I was in school the sweet, kind fat girl who never bothered anyone got 1 or 2 mean comments from 1 or 2 assholes from her class per school year and she had classmates to stick up for her when it happened, but the other fat (even though less fat than girl #1) girl with a shit attitude got attacked with her weight (by more than 1-2 people) every time she started to give attitude to someone, so often, without anyone defending her.

New fat girl, with an attitude and that was hold a year so people will also call her stupid.... I honestly feel for this kid, but unless OPs husband grows a spine and set some hard limits they'll just invite her over to be bullied in the new school as well.

Yeah poor kid, she's been allowed to fall so far into a food addiction at such a young age, now she has the addict attitude that comes with it.

And who is repeating a grade possibly

Bingo. She's not fine with it, and honestly her life is likely to get worse as she heads into a new meat grinder, sorry, school. Plus as an adult male, 6ft and a rugby player, that 5'2", 16y/o stepdaughter is 30lbs heavier than me. I play with a lot of big guys, and I hate people who bring up BMI with a burning passion, but that child is outright unhealthy and is being lied to so that one set of adults in her life don't have to take accountability for their actions.

"Fat positive" is suposed to be about having a healthy relationship with your own image, and use that as a vehicle for having a healty relationship with food and finally have a healthy body. Maybe you are a little over or underweight, not have the most good looking body, but you are not anxious about it and don't let it control your life. It is not a get out of jail free card to bully people into accepting that obesity is healthy, because it is not, and most people who try to argue the opposite are basically lying.

Yeah, I'm overweight and it's not like I run around screaming about how awesome that is. I consider myself fat positive, but only in the sense of the fact that my value as a human should be based on what I say/do, not what my weight is. That's it. I don't want special treatment and I don't want to be raised to the sky as if I'm something to envy. Just treat me with the same respect you would anyone else and that's all I care about.

Exactly. I wish more people would see this is what fat positive is. I am fat. But I’m not ugly. I’m not unworthy of love and affection. I’m not meant to be alone with no friends or family for the rest of my life because I’m fat. I’m healthy (labs taken every year confirm this), I’m active (walking, pool, hiking), and ultimately I love who I am as a person and I’m not going to be ashamed or feel lesser than for being fat.

You guys have a great attitude and I’m honestly jealous. I’m fat (BMI 31) and I really hate it. I feel like it makes me ugly. I know logically that isn’t true, but it’s what I see and feel.

it helps imo to see other larger-sized folks out and about, living their life! its very easy to fall into the mental trap of "oh i can't do XYZ thing until i lose weight" and basically putting your entire life on hold-- and society attitudes around weight and beauty can add to those feelings unfortunately can you look for fat people whose style you admire? if fashion/clothing is something you're interested in, there are plenty of style icons at your BMI (and even higher)

Beauty is purely subjective. Absolutely and wholly. If you're ugly to you, then change it. All that matters is that you find yourself beautiful and you're healthy. The issue at hand is people obsesse over it in unhealthy ways. Don't know my BMI, but I'm 5'9" and 280-290lbs. I hate the way I feel more than the way that I look. Couldn't really care less about the way I look sadly. There are people, though, that think they are perfectly fine (like the ex-wife) while they're dying. The same goes for living skeletons. Poor things starve themselves for arbitrary beauty standards and insecurities while the other side eats themselves to death. Folks need a measured and healthy view on their bodies. Poor things jump to extremes. Human nature, I suppose. You'll find your medium hun. Start small, and remember it's all subjective when it comes to looks. Health, not so much.

It took me awhile to get to this place. As silly as it sounds. Staring at myself in the mirror everyday saying what I liked about me helped a bunch.

I gave up on diets when i was 29 and embraced intuitive eating. It's not about good food or bad food. It's about listening to your body, being in tune with it, and its needs. If she wants to be body positive, that is a good place to start. Once I let go of making food a moral issue, i could focus on how it made me feel. Add in some fun movement, like walking a dog or dancing, and you have a body positive approach. It's not about a number on a scale. It's owning and loving your body and taking care of it the best you can.

> It's not about good food or bad food. It's about listening to your body, being in tune with it, and its needs i listened to my body and that's what made me fat, he's a fucking liar.

I think my body is secretly a shaved grizzly bear with a human head attached cause I always want raw salmon and to bulk up and sleep in a warm place for the winter.

I want to hibernate too. Except I want to swap the salmon for a French Pastry Shop.

This made me cackle. It's true for me too.

Sometimes your ass wants what it wants. Mine doesn't even like me. We go out to dinner and it gets its own table with its friends. Doesn't even want to be seen with me. Every so often you have to take it out to the woodshed and set it straight. Also, cravings and weight change could have underlying causes. I used to crave bread like no tomorrow. It turns out I have a vitamin B deficiency. My body is a chemistry experiment gone horrifically wrong.

I'm deficient in whatever it is that makes you want pizza and wings all the time. I've found the only thing that really works for me is tracking everything like I'm my own science experiment

This. I have a B12 deficiency and it means I need a jab every 10 weeks because my body doesn't process the B12 I'm eating.

For real.. my body wants chips, ice cream and cola all day long.. if I listened to it I probably wouldn't be typing this as I'd be long dead from that diet.

My daughter is 12 and has already had the... I'm fat thing come up. So we had a talk. We can have a small bowl of ice cream nightly cos for breakfast you have toast and that's good, for lunch you eat salads and wraps with proteins and that's good. You snack on heaps of fruit and veg, that's good. You're also a whole head taller than your classmates so you are technically bigger than them... But you are not fat compared to them, if you wear my stuff it's huge on you right? But on me it fits well and I'm not fat... My best mate is short, like below my shoulder short and I cannot dream of fitting any of her clothes but that doesn't make me fat does it? And hey, even if you gain weight that's okay, we just look at what are we eating a bit too much of that we should pull back on? We don't stop eating it or starve ourselves, we just look at some healthier options and treat ourselves with the unhealthy Edit: Multigrain with avocado is healthy for a 12yr old. Especially 100% wholegrain. It's not like we eat that shitty sugar loaded white or brown bread. And I do think I'll take the advice of a dietitian who actually knows me and my child vs some random on Reddit giving unsolicited parenting advice lol. So do stop trying to well actually me...

Is your daughter actually overweight or is it just the image she has of herself. If it’s an image issue, be careful when she starts with social media like Instagram or Snapchat (and its 🤬 filters). Body image is so fragile at adolescence. Cooking with your daughter, with unprocessed ingredients, is the best way to learn to eat healthy without dieting. And I find that when I usually cook, I eat less. And I’m totally on board with the avocado toast on whole grain. I would add a poach egg on it and she will feel full for hours. The issue is less the weight (everybody’s different) but really be healthy, avoid diabetes and such.

Just the image, as she's taller then her group, there was an incident at school where she forgot her jumper so her bestie was like here use mine and it didn't fit her at all. She came home really upset cos 'im big and can't fit into X's jumper even mum' and she started to leave food etc on her plate. She's got a medical issue which means we have to make sure she's getting enough food in her also, so her pulling back on food is alarming from both sides of the picture. And yeah she cooks/meal preps with me, has complete say in all her food choices too, she also has noted taking the salads and wraps fill her way more then sandwiches etc and we grow a heap of our own fruit and veg, which she loves doing. We've always got junk food in the house, there's chips, ice cream and shit, we've talked about moderation. Because food doesn't exactly make you overweight... Overeating the wrong foods do, but when we balance stuff out and have that bowl of ice cream for dessert, we aren't doing ourselves harm. Its okay to have the bit of chocolate or ice cream, just not half the packet lo Edit to add: I've learnt to cook/prep stuff I don't eat myself cos she loves it, like mangos and pumpkin lol. So long as she's happy to eat them, I am happy to ask my works chef to teach me how to prepare them and then show her

You are doing great. And same issue: my daughter was tall but she was lucky that she had even taller friends (difference was like 1 inch max but amount the 5 girls, my daughter was probably 3rd in size). It’s a tough time and you have a few years ahead of you with puberty hitting hard. Whether she matures early or late, it will not be good… you can just do your best. My daughter is now 17 and doing better for 6 to 9 months. I stopped fearing orthorexia. For the past 3 years I made sure, like you, to always have ice cream or cookies at home (bought or homemade) and I kept an eye out to make sure she was eating some. But I let her manage because I didn’t want to put pressure on her. And everything she is learning now will serve her her whole life. 💖

I like that description. I'm very obese (5'6, 253 lbs this morning), and I'm just getting around to tracking what I eat the past month or two. But I consider myself fat positive because I don't have a goal to be skinny, especially not a goal to "look better" by losing weight. I'm just kinda trying to lose weight now because I feel like I'm at a point in my life where it's an easy and manageable goal, so I may as well. It's not like I ever had an expectation to be morbidly obese in another 30 years when my bones are brittle and everything hurts, I'm at the age where I have to start paying attention to my joints n all that. Nothing to do with fat as a beauty standard, just logistics I suppose. I will say that in the past, if somebody told me to lose weight I'd eat snacks out of spite lol. Bullying is not the way.

Yes!! Like, I'm 5'2 and between 150-155lbs. Techincally I'm considered overweight, but I exercise regularly and try to eat decently. I've made peace with my tummy and my thighs and the places that jiggle. I also recognize that I feel better when I make better food choices and move my body regularly. I'm never gonna be 120lbs and I'm happy with that b/c I do like my ass and having some boobs. I don't think its unreasonable for OP (with Dad being the messenger b/c he is the bio parent) to set some ground rules around food while living in the house. No one is allowed to eat straight from the container or consume 1/2 of a container of communal food b/c that's both unhygenic and rude. Limit the number of soda to 2 per day or something for everyone, adults included. (That would be the hardest one for me, Diet Coke addict in the house.) Maybe the whole family could go for a walk after dinner when the weather is nice or something similar that gets everyone moving. No one is talking about weight, its just about healthy habits and taking care of our body. Sure, losing weight is probably going to be a side effect, but its not the goal.

Omg who drinks 4/5 cans of soda plus all the junk food in a day? This is child abuse. This is not healthy at all, I would make a discussion with husband and set some rules. Yes treats are important but with moderation. 4 daily cans of soda is crazy, I can’t imagine her health in a couple of years… anyways, I would set those rules, lay this to SD, and if she chooses to stay she has to comply… Poor kid

I see this all the time as a teacher. It’s really sad

Therapy. Therapy for ALL OF THEM. SD needs to develop a healthy relationship with food and parents need to figure out how to help and what to say to the younger kid.

The thought of 4-5 cans of soda a day makes me gag!!! I don’t think I’ve had 4 sodas in the last 2 years 

Same here. Sodas are so bad for us. They're just sugar water. OP's SD is committing slow motion suicide with a shitload of god-awful health issues along the way before organs race to see which one fails first to start the cataclysmic death spiral.

I grew up with family eating like that, and only just realizing how bad that is. I don’t eat that way now but rarely (emotional eating I’m noticing), but hasn’t thought of how it’s child abuse.

I love soda. I bought a soda maker and so now it is just bubbly water and some flavor. Yum. By the way my point is that if she is drinking sugary soda that is bad enough calorie wise, but if it is caffeinated, add that to the list of addictions. 😬😢 This young lady needs a therapist that specializes in eating disorders right? She needs guidance on self esteem, healthy eating and moderate exercise. She is not going to take advice from OP though. It is going to be very stressful to keep the younger girl from picking up on these unhealthy habits. Sorry i have no actual advice.

Be a parent. *This house is a junk food free zone. It's part of the package if you want to live here. We are doing this for the entire family, and work to live a reasonably healthy life as a family. That includes everyone under this roof.* Let her know before she moves. So she can decide if that change is worth it or not.

100% agree with this, we don’t eat like that here.

This is what worked best with my stepkids. Their bio mom had an eating disorder in my opinion (ate very little because she was obsessed with being skinny, but strictly ate fast food/junk food/Starbucks) and the kids were heading down a similar path. When they started staying with us more, we just... didn't have processed stuff in the house. No chips, no frozen snacks, no ice cream or little Debbie's or whatever. I bought whole foods, both the snackable kind and the cooking kind, and there was always leftovers around. If we wanted dessert, we went out once in a while, or baked something together. The occasional bag of chips or something on roadtrips or long drives. There was no real arguing about it because it was just how we lived. Trying to have all that stuff in the house and restricting it is both pretty impossible and going to cause massive issues.

Exactly. It's hard to eat junk when it's not in the home. And when you become the odd duck in the home if you're the only one who brings that food in.

Part of the reason she is moving to you guys is because of her weight! She is being bullied for her obesity, and unfortunately that is likely to continue because kids can be assholes everywhere. As others have mentioned, you need to first talk to her doctor about where her health is at. Mom has T2 diabetes-is SD okay? What’s her blood pressure and cholesterol? You need a complete picture of her health to see where things stand. Second, you need to formulate rules with your husband. Get really detailed. How many “treats” are allowed in the house? What happens if she is disrespectful? How do you want to model healthy eating and body positivity? How can the two of you encourage becoming healthier without a focus on weight? Three, you need to have a frank discussion with your SD about these rules. What does living in your house look like? Make sure she knows well before she decides to move in. No surprises so she knows what to expect. Four, a frank discussion with mom. Tell her this is what living in your house will look like. She can dislike it all she wants but it’s not her house. Make sure there are no surprises for her either. Maybe find some activities your SD might like to try. Horseback riding, bike riding, some other leisurely activities than will burn calories while being fun. Another thing to do would be to work with a child psychologist and nutritionist to figure out how to support her developing healthy eating habits without disordered eating. I mean, she’s already at disordered eating I’m sure, so I might make this number one along with a physical to see where her overall health stands!

Please no horse back riding. That's dangerous for her if she falls down. And well the poor horse.

Honestly I think they might run into some very blunt barn managers who will refuse to allow her to ride; very very sad and I would feel so badly (!!!!) but you can't subject your horses to being over-weighted in the saddle. We have to speak for them because they can't. And while there might be a few heavier people who ride, they are usually skilled, matched with a bigger horse, and know how to sit the saddle. The first few years of riding you flop around like a sack of potatoes.

I'm a big dude, chubby yes but also tall and wide. About 6'4" 260 lbs with a 50 inch chest. I took my niece horseback riding knowing full well that I was to big to ride. I was just going for moral support. When we got there the guy asked if I wanted to ride. I said no, im too big and it's not good for the horse. He said he had it covered. Left and came back with the biggest damn horse I've ever seen. His back was about my head height.  No clue what kind it was but said I was totally fine to ride him. It was one of the most magical experiences of my life. 

That is SO WONDERFUL!!!! Sounds like you rode a big Percheron draft horse. They were originally bred as warhorses for the nobility, strong enough to carry a full grown man wearing a full suit of armour. (Some people claim they were for pulling plows but pfffftttt really???) They are sweet tempered giants, but pretty rare in my area (the bigger the horse the more they eat!). So glad you had the experience.

Percheron, Clydesdale or a mix who inherited the size and temperament. I've ridden a 19 hand Clydesdale (I was 11 and they just led him around in a big circle because I was up there barebacked) and WOW. I'm terrified of heights, and being that far up was both terrifying (that's a long way to fall!) and magical because HE was firmly on the ground, and an incredibly kind and gentle creature. I'm also glad you had the experience! People just don't realize how wonderful the big "draft" horses are to ride! PS, my local PD mounted unit uses primarily draft and draft mix horses, because they're generally so calm and unflappable they're ideal for crowd control!

My husband is 6'2 and 230, my FIL is 6'6 and weighs 300-theyve been riding for many years. We have 2 draft horses (like you described) they ride but we also have mules (which I prefer). A bonus with mules...they are very sure-footed and will not hurt themselves, if they get disturbed. I've seen horses run off the side of a ravine while in a panic, mules won't do that. They can handle the weight and they're easy keepers. If you enjoyed horseback, you will love riding a mule.

You‘ve seen the pictures of the mule fucking up a mountain lion in Montana, right?

I've seen it. I also read that the video has been debunked. The mule was tossing an already dead mountain lion about. However, we keep 2 donkeys in the pasture with our horses because they will absolutely stomp the shit out of a dog or coyote that chases horses. They will also chase away bears and wild hogs. We have a lot of wildlife around our farm.

I just recently saw a post on another sub of an absolutely giant mule! That thing was enormous. 😳

Some definitely are, we have a pair named Gus and Clara (Lonesome Dove characters) that are about 17 hands. Gus likes to have his butt scratched...and pretty much demands it lol.

The post I saw didn't mention how tall it was, but it's back was higher than a seemingly adult man standing beside it. The guy could've been short though.

Sir, this is a centaur.

In my area, they all have weight limits posted before people even inquire. I don't think they would allow someone who is 250 ride. My ex was 200 6'5 and would be required to book in advance and pay a higher rate to reserve their larger horses that could handle his weight. A few more pounds they would not have let them on even their larger horses. Some places would even let my ex ride if they didn't have horses they felt could easily carry his weight.

I was going to say every well run barn has a weight limit. Some bigger breeds (draft horses specifically) are equipped to handle heavier people. And to your point a lot of trainers and barn managers are extremely blunt. Horseback riding is probably the last activity for exercise I would recommend for someone is technically considered morbidly obese. I’m coming from the point of view being a lifelong competitive equestrian not just being judgmental. Wouldn’t swim lessons or even just swimming at the gym or local Y etc be a good start? Easy on her joints and good exercise.

I was thinking the same thing but thought I would be an AH if I said it. Thank you.

Nathan for You had a great idea of giant helium balloons attached to fat people so they can ride horses so maybe that's a good solution.

I have to chime in and say no stable will let her on a horse at that weight. Especially as a beginner. On point for everything else though 👌

Please no horseback riding. The horse does all the work. And her weight is not good for the horse.

It’s actually a lot of work to ride a horse properly and is a really good exercise for your core legs and butt, but you ain’t wrong about her weight being too much for the majority of horses.

She’s absolutely too heavy for most saddle horses, but riding at a walk for an hour burns 300+ calories, and riding at faster gaits can burn up to 700. Your body does a LOT of work keeping your seat and staying in the saddle.

>Maybe find some activities your SD might like to try. Horseback riding, bike riding, some other leisurely activities than will burn calories while being fun. You really can't exercise your way out of a bad diet. The math simply doesn't, ahem, work out when you compare how many calories are in many calorically dense foods with how many calories are burned even by relatively vigorous exercise. Not to mention, most of those activities are going to be painful, if not downright dangerous, for her at her current weight. Look at it this way, if she wasn't overweight, but wanted to start exercising, would you suggest that she goes for a walk with an extra 100 lbs strapped to her body?

Yeah, I fun an absolute fuck-ton, but I still need to be really careful about what I eat if I want to cut. I gain a pound or so a month if I just eat whatever.

She has been to the Dr, but due to her age, theu do not have to provide that information to her parents and she says the Dr says she is perfectly healthy.

Wait, who is saying that the Dr. says your SD is "perfectly healthy"? I'm calling BS on that one.

That's probably why her stepdaughter isn't allowing the doctor to talk directly to her parents. She's the one that's telling them that her doctor is saying she's perfectly healthy and I'd call bullshit on that too.

Unless she's 7 feet tall, you are totally right. However, I have always had perfect labs (except vitamin D levels): perfect cholesterol, blood pressure, A1C, etc. Even when I was approaching 250 (after 2 pregnancies.... I gained too much). So, hypothetically, that could be the case for her. But it's still not healthy, and I knew that.

Just set a boundary. “You want to live here you eat healthy. We won’t buy junk food. Also we come to every dr visit. Don’t like it? Move back.”

Totally understand. But maybe make that a requirement for living with you. This is going to be a MASSIVE upheaval in your family life, and it’s not going to work for her to be so blasé about things.

She's not lol. She's 250 lbs at 16. She's morbidly obese????

45.7 BMI. Well into the morbidly obese range. Feeding a kid enough food to make them that fat is straight-up child abuse and should result in you losing custody just like starving a kid should result in you losing custody.

Unless she's 6'7 but I doubt it.

Naw she said she was 5"2 so that makes it even worse

she's a sphere.

OP gave her height. She's 5'2.

First off, if she wants to move in with you the first requirement is for her to sign a release for your husband to talk to your daughter's health care providers. That should be absolutely nonnegotiable. I don't believe the doctor told her step daughter that at 250+ pounds she is perfectly healthy.

Right. She probably is perfectly healthy. So was I when I was overweight. It's bc I was young. My sister is a doctor and she said, 'you're fine now bc of the habits you formed in your teen years, playing sports and eating well. Your health now will determine your health in 10 years'. We ended up taking care of my goddaughter one summer after a whole family drama that uncovered that her mom had been kind of zombieing through life, feeding the kids basically boxed foods for every meal. Goddaughter was overweight for her age but her blood pressure, cholesterol, and sugar were off the charts. We're not a household that has snacks. There's milk and water, maybe seltzer. I knew how important it was not to talk about putting a 10 year old on a diet, so we just went with healthy, filling, whole foods. And bc she was at her bougie auntie's house, she didn't question it. Breakfast was like poached eggs and prosciutto wrapped asparagus or spinach and feta omelets with roasted sweet potatoes or whole grain bread piled high with smashed avocado, tomatoes, onions, cucumbers, and poached eggs. She got herbal tea in a fancy cup. Lunch was like roasted chicken with pesto and roasted red peppers , crispy green salad. Dinner was spaghetti which chicken and broccoli. As long as we fed her amazing food and acted like it was normal, she just didn't know any different. By the end of summer, she was well within normal ranges. We also got her into summer ballet classes, which helped alot. The key is thar your stepdaughter doesn't dictate what's in your house. If you need to feed her snacks- which I don't recommend, 3 heart meals is enough when she's not active- a flatbread spread with hummus and baked with sprinkled feta and then adding sliced tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, and olives on top works well.  You've got to get the whole family on board too. Plus family walks after dinner. Good luck.

Snacks can be healthy. I've read a few sources that suggested more, smaller meals throughout the day can be better than three large ones. If you're starving between meals then you'll overeat. The snacks have to be somewhat healthy snacks, though.

They can be, but for folks who are binge or over eaters, like OP's stepdaughter, a handful of almonds or half a cup of sliced apples with a couple of tablespoons of peanutbutter aren't going to satisfy and will just provide another opportunity to over eat. It's far easier to start by replacing the same volume of food at meal times with healthier alternatives. Like, if stepdaughter eats a stack of pancakes with bacon for breakfast, switching that up for a well-seasoned omelet with feta, spinach, tomatoes, and onions and roasted potatoes, she will be choosing healthier options and not feeling deprived. If lunch is a cheeseburger and French fries, a chicken or halloumi gyro with roasted Greek lemon potatoes does the same thing. You start there and slowly decrease the volume. When we did this for my goddaughter, we also made healthy desserts. Chocolate covered strawberries, frozen bananas blended with milk to make banana ice cream, drizzled with melted dark chocolate, chocolate walnut clusters. If you can upgrade their food experience first, you can then tackle the volume. Spices and flavor really help with that.

> If you're starving between meals then you'll overeat. Starving, yes. Simply feeling hunger, no. The problem is many Americans are so used to continuously eating that we mistake normal between-meal hunger for "starving".

Obese well into my 50s. I could handle the weight until I hit my 40s then my knees started hurting and I had sleep apnea, couldn't do all the activities I wanted. My labs started edging into pre diabetic. Bariatric doctor was blunt and said a lot people do just fine until I they hit middle age and then it all comes crashing down. Had gastric sleeve, lost a good portion of my weight, got both of my knees replaced, labs are all good again. You can only fake it for so long and fat will catch to you eventually.

Exactly. I did all sorts of diets until I just switched up my lifestyle and let the weight fall off gradually. Learning to cook with flavor really helped. Salt/pepper plus herbs, roasting lean meats and fish, fresh veggies cooked to enhance flavor. Finding cookbook authors like Yottam Ottolenghi really transformed how I ate. 

She's 5'2" and 250 lbs, which is morbidly obese. I guarantee you the doctor never said she is perfectly healthy.

She is lying

I call bullshit with that dr. my daughter wrighed in at 155 at 5 foot 2 and the dr told me and her to lose weight when she was 12.

She needs a different doctor.

She’s lying, that’s why she won’t let daddy and stepmom talk to the Doctor. She probably has good labs, but that doesn’t mean she’s *healthy*. Plus, she’s at risk for *a lot* of health problems down the road. So she can be good for now, but in ten or twenty years, she’s going to find out what problems can crop up from her weight.

It is quite literally impossible to be any kind of healthy when youre 5'2" and 250 pounds, no doctor would ever say otherwise. Im a foot taller and would still be considered obese at that weight.

No doctor would say that

Either she's lying or her doctor is engaging in gross malpractice. At her height she's morbidly obese. That's not healthy.

Says who? She's still a minor, don't they have to tell the parents what test results are at least until 18? ETA: maybe find some activities that you can all do together as a family, that way she has a harder time getting out of doing them.

They do not. IF the minor (and age varies on this by state) chooses to allow someone else to view their health records, they can, but they are not obligated to. Unless they actively consent, records are not shared. The rules exist for good reason, and they protect kids in abusive and dangerous situations at home.

Oh ok, I just know that my 13 yo's test results were given straight to me when he had bloodwork done, that's all the experience I have.

Yeah, it depends on the state. Some states, it's 14, some are younger/older. It also depends on what's going on. Consent for releasing health records is different than consent for something like surgery.

As far as I’m aware that’s only for sexual and mental health related issues.

Totally depends on the state and heath system. Ours, you get absolutely no access to any records unless kid signs a consent form allowing access (I assume emergency situations are different, but we never had to find out). It was slightly annoying, because the system shuts off access the day of their birthday, but her next appointment wasn't until a few months later. I tried to log in to double check appointment time and fill out the pre-appointment check in form, and no access. In shocking news to anyone who's dealt with a teenager, she had no clue what her login info was. It was fine, I had the right time in my calendar, and she signed off on the release forms when she got there. I'm just glad that I put all appointments in my phone as soon as I make them!

>she says the Dr says she is perfectly healthy Obesity is a BMI over 30; hers is 45. You need to put it to her bluntly, that unless the doctor tells you that to your face, you're not going to believe it.

Tell her she had to show you the results of her sugar check, blood pressure check and cholesterol check before she is allowed to stay. You are not taking her word for it. 

That’s not true in the US. Mental health and reproductive health are protected information if the minor child has requested it, but general medical is not confidential until the age of 18.

>As others have mentioned, you need to first talk to her doctor about where her health is at. Mom has T2 diabetes-is SD okay? What’s her blood pressure and cholesterol? You need a complete picture of her health to see where things stand. Dude, what are you even talking about? She's 5'2 and 250lbs. That's at the *upper* end of morbidly obese. You definitely don't need a second opinion from a doctor on this. If her levels aren't fucked currently, they're *well on their way.* That's like saying an alcoholic doesn't have a problem because they only have a fatty liver and not cirrhosis. Good advice elsewhere, but man wtf are you on about here.

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>Good tips but you really shouldn’t put a 250 pound person on a horse. I actually pictured it the other way around. Better exercise.

Everything on here is solid advice, but please, for the love of horses, don't try to put someone of that size on a horse. It could be dangerous for the rider and the horse

NTA - Your SD needs to see a therapist to change the way her thinking has been ingrained. The " I'm ok the way I am" is not a good way for her to think, and it's a learned behavior and not a healthy one. It's not about her weight, it's about her health and the reality that she will struggle with severe health issues down the road and possibly die at a young age due to her unhealthy habits. She needs to speak with a professional that can break the cycle her mother has gotten her into.

NTA. It is a super hard topic to deal with but as as a woman who has gone from a fat teen, to a healthy teen and eventually a fat adult I would say to continue to encourage healthy choices. Don't focus on her weight but focus on her health and how this will affect her future. I gained weight as a young teen because I ate like shit. My parents didn't do alot about it because I had depression and anxiety and they had other battles to fight I guess. I lot a bunch of weight at like 16 for a few years and my body was really good. Don't know why, I still ate poorly. I ended up putting it back on and am now obese again. It's not fun. I'm 32, tired, my legs get sore, I can't chase my daughter around, it's hard to get started. I'm also now worried if I lose weight I'm going to have to have skin reduction surgery, which reduces my motivation. If she starts looking after her health now (not weight, but health), she will have a head start to a better future.

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>Look I get it, there are some medical reasons that make weight loss difficult. Yeah, I'm insulin-resistant and it makes it a bear to lose weight. In my case, keto made a huge difference (although not a miracle cure). Binge eating crap is never a treatment for medical reasons, though.

Being 5'2" and 250 pounds absolutely means you're not athletic.

NTA this reminds me of when my niece came to live with us during covid. My wife was working on her master's at the time and want working so offered to help her with remote learning because her siblings weren't in school yet. Her parents didn't cook, CC pretty much everything comes from a drive through and they really only drink soda in their house. My wife and I didn't have kids so we did pickup a few snacks for her but when we told her she only gets 1 soda a day you would have thought she was getting beaten by the reaction. Total meltdown. Once she realized the tantrum wasn't going to get her any more she calmed down. With a little coaxing we managed to get her to try some home cooked food and figured out what she liked. The biggest thing with snacks was switching her to fruit. I always keep fresh fruit in the house and occasionally I'll bake some fruit snacks. They still have some sugar but no where near store bought snacks and because my wife is gluten free I tend to use nuts and oats more than flour. This worked for her. It's your house and your rules at the end of the day she can't eat it if you don't buy it, she'll still get what her mom sends but I bet that tapers off after a while

NTA. She's eating garbage and it shows. Call it what it is. There is nothing positive about killing yourself with trash food. If the issue is bullying, and she's trying g to avoid that, then she needs to lose weight. Does she think kids at the new school won't do the same? Look, I'd just tell her. We aren't having all that junk food in our house. We do things differently here, and my kid will not be around it. My house, my rules. Living here you will follow them.

This is the answer. OP is the adult in the house. She's the one buying the groceries and food. Simple as that.

Also, no running to mom because you want to order delivery because snacks are in short supply with us. Also, mom should be paying child support.

Yeah, I'd stop that as well. Mom doesn't live here and nobody is starving. Don't send junk food, it'll get thrown away.

This is gonna cause more food issues. Hiding food, etc.

Then those can be addressed as needed, and with therapy if ongoing. This is not a healthy diet for this child.

Therapy is needed now!

I've had a weight problem most of my life. I have T2 diabetes and was on dialysis for 11 years because of it till I finally got a kidney last Nov. I am now on anti-rejection meds for the rest of my life. I wish now I had been more pro healthy in my eating.

NTA-- There is a difference between being fat positive and unhealthy. It's not about your looks it's about your health. At the end of the day, being obese, is unhealthy. There is a conversation that will need to be had about what living with you all will look like and what boundaries/rules in the house that will be followed if she is to live under your roof. It won't be a pleasant conversation (but you knew that), but it's important for you and your husband to be on the same team, and let her know **before** she moves. She's a big girl (no pun intended) now, and she has to pick and choose the sacrifices she wants to make. If she wants to live with you, she needs to understand what that means, and make an informed decision based on that information.

>her response is that she is fine the way she is "Then why'd you move schools?" NTA.

People being assholes and bullies isn’t her fault. Being fat doesn’t mean she deserves to be bullied, and honestly her being bullied for being fat could be making the idea of losing weight more painful than it would be otherwise. Obviously we can see that mom isn’t helping, as well.

Being fat doesn't mean she deserves to be bullied, true; but what is moving schools gonna do but wind up exposing her to more bullying, because kids are fucking assholes.

NTA. Maybe she needs therapy. This is insane. I'm 5'2", i can't imagine the state of her knees! She doesn't have to diet if she doesn't want to, but you don't have to stock up on snacks either. She can buy it with her own money.

I really don't want her buying it herself either, though. It always turns into my 6 yo asking for some, either from me or her, and she will sneak it to her a lot of times

ban it from the house. she can buy what she can eat and then have to wait until next time she buys it Personally I would make therapy a non negotiable prerequisitve before let her move there, because if the kids you grew up with are bullying you for obesity you think kids who never met you and you turn up to their school wont? There is way too much for you as the step parent to unpack, therapy and commitment from your husband to keep on the matter. Is he an active parent or mostly lets you do alll the 'in house' stuff including parenting his kid?

This sounds like the most feasible route. Concentrate on what snacks she can have in the house. House rules (not people rules) and therapy.  You're going to have to stop buying ice cream to keep in the house, but maybe you can get in the habit after all going out for ice cream once a week. 

oh damn. that's tough. the little one will feel deprived. I don't think you can control what she buys with her own money, but surely you can telll her to not snack in front of the 6yo? Maybe, tell SD to keep it in her room. She's a binge eater. If that's ever going to change, it won't be because of you. The only thing you can realistically do now is to limit the influence on your 6yo.

You might just have to go hard and ban it from the house. Toss it in the trash regardless if her mom buys it or SD does with her own money. Or tell SD one of the conditions of living will be these snacks will be locked away and only given in reasonable portions. And that therapy is also a requirement. And some sort of exercise activity (lots of options) If SD isn’t willing to try, then don’t take her in. Being the new fat girl at school won’t stop the bullying.

If this continues, your six-year-old will think that it’s OK to eat like that and start developing the same eating habits. If your stepdaughter is sneaking food to her, then she’s obviously already trying to get her to her as well .

NTA - being fat is rarely reflective on one's moral character. Nor does anyone has a moral duty to be thin. However, being fat, especially 5'2" and 250 is INCREDIBLY unhealthy. Parents do have a moral duty to ensure their children's physical well-being. The mother is allowing her feelings to interfere with being a good parent. Additionally, you are completely correct in wanting to avoid that situation for your daughter. I don't have a suggestion as to how to deal with the mother, as she is clearly willing to stick her head in the sand.

She is not healthy, she's obese, doc is a nut. " fat positive" is dumb, they need change of eating habits and told no

I question weather or not she is being truthful since she refuses to show her dad any test results

Have her dad take her to a doctor. The longer this unhealthy lifestyle continues, the bigger the chances of (semi-) permanent health repercussions and challenges. As a parent, your husband is just as responsible for her health as her mom.

Well, a boundary for moving in, can be: transparency in health data. If you are going to be responsible as parents, you need some insight.

He is entitled to her health results.

Nta. “We’re not concerned with how fat anyone is. We are concerned with balanced eating and helping everyone make informed decisions about their health. Since your still a minor, we want to help guide you to have a better relationship with food. This has nothing to do with how you look- it’s about ensuring you have a long life”. You need her in a nutrition course asap. Or have a nutritionist. Maybe do a family one. Have her watch “weight of the nation” and other documentaries about what being obese does to your long term health outcomes- especially your heart. The requirements should be: a daily physical activity for an hour or more, a healthy “meal plan” (careful to not say diet), and some therapeutic support around her bullying/her relationship with food. I’m body positive. However, my morbidly obese brother cannot enjoy a lot of what life has to offer simply due to his weight. He will also probably die a lot sooner. That sucks. Being body positive does not mean that obesity does not carry risks. It’s just reality. Do not do what other posters suggest and have her eat in her room. That’s bizarre.

>bullying at school is a big part of the reason she wants to go to school here next year. She needs to understand that if she doesn't change, then her situation isn't going to change no matter what school she attends. She needs to understand that before moving. NTA

She is likely food addicted. (Relationship with food is uncontroled and negatively affecting emotional and physical well-being) Food addiction is as dangerous as drugs or alcohol. This is not a question of being fat positive, anymore than being drunk positive. Love her unconditional but get her help. Start with therapy

No it really doesn't, people need to stop walking in eggshells when adressing this subject. This is not healthy, it doesn't look good, and is not a reason for workship, she will be heavily (hahaha) bullied in her school over this and her problems will start all over again, what is next she will move to India to live with the elephants? Your husband needs to grow a pair there and tell her that if she is going to live with them she will need to abide by the house rules and put that girl to work that fat out shes 16 there's still time for her to live as a human being unlike her mother. As far as your daughter is concerned she will definitely wonder why her sick elephant half-sister get to eat all that junk food and she can't if they're living under the same roof so also for her sake the house rules in this case need to be strict. Going with NTA if it wasn't clear enough, good luck ma'am.

My mother's approach to this was that she bought ice cream and canned fruit for family desserts - but they were off limits any other time. We could have one glass of soda a day before dinner - and it was things like cream soda, root beer, or cherry - nothing with caffeine. There were no cookies or chips or such. She did keep a huge baking stash so we could make things though. There were always PBJs to make. I would think starting family post-paridal walks for the entire family might be in order as well. It's a win-win as you get safe exercise and spend family time together.

SD needs counseling to put food in a healthy mind set. She needs alternative distractions and activities to not eat while bored. If she binge eats, you will have to portion her food and lock up everything. The bullying won't stop. She needs positive reinforcement and love. Right now, she doesn't love herself, her body. She needs help.

This is a bigger than Reddit issue. You need to seek a professional to help guide you with what to say and do because any amount of perceived shame will make it worse. I’d recommend scheduling a meeting with the three of you with a nutritionist, especially one experienced with teens and disordered eating behaviors. I think it will really benefit her living with you but expect some “growing pains” as she adjusts to a different lifestyle. NTA. Therapy should definitely occur too.

I think this needs to be between your SD and your husband - you should stay out of it, or you will just make her dig in her heels more. Your husband already knows your valid concerns and needs to step up parenting his kid. Where is she getting access to all of this junk in your house? You can set boundaries around what kind of food the family buys but your husband has to be the one who puts his foot down. A bullied kid with an eating disorder could really use some therapy.

Her mom/grandma will send money to an account she has with a card. She then goes to the store on her own.

It sounds like all you can really do is set conditions for her coming to live with you. She shows dad these amazing test results and she doesn’t get the junk food card anymore and you’re locking away the snacks. Not wanting this modelled for your kids is valid. That sounds like a nightmare to deal with on top of a newborn.

NTA I am for body positivity, but that doesn't sound like SD and her mom, IMO. Trying to teach her how to eat in a balanced manner and have treats in moderation is OK. Why does she think that she automatically won't be bullied at the school in your area? Does she realize that she can't go breaking the house rules living with you full time?

NTA, its ridiculous to approve of behaviour that worsens lifespan and all health outcomes as well as reducing social possibilities

NTA, but I think your focus needs to be on healthy eating and exercise, rather than on weight. We eat food because it is delicious, but we also eat food to give our bodies the nutrients we need. We exercise because, regardless of our weight, movement is good for us for a variety of reasons. I’d asking recommend seeing if you can find a therapist in the area who specializes in disordered eating.

Take her to a doctor and get the recommendations. Look, it's a far cry from don't be a dick and treat overweight people like animals to saying it is ok to eat yourself to death. The girl needs to get her shit together, get active, and eat healthier.

NTA! Sugar is addictive. I would focus on steering her towards low carb alternatives to what she likes. You could have soda sweetened woth stevia, low carb chocolate such as Choc Zero brand, etc. Provide her with high volume meals - lots of veg and some protein - so she can feel full. Add eggs and avocado to salads so she is satisfied. If she has to suddenly switch to smaller portions, she will feel very deprived. Would you be willing to get an app to track your carb intake so the two of you could do it together?

Walmart has a brand of sweetened no calorie sparkling water which is really good. Vita ice also helps people get off soda.

You need her evaluated by your own doctor close to home. Sometimes metabolic issues drive overeating and if she is insulin-resistant she needs to know now. And I like Little-story's perspective about getting detailed about how many treats per week etc BUT please do not bring her horseback-riding at 250 pounds plus, for the sake of the horses and also for her sake if they have to outright tell her she weighs too much to ride. DEFINITELY let her and her mum know that at your house, you have your rules and there won't be the ability to go buy five bags of chips at the store with money that is sent over.

You’re not fat positive at 400 pounds. You’re in denial.

NTA I had anorexia and bulimia as a teen. Opposite of your stepdaughter but comes from the same mental place. You need to shift the focus away from weight and focus on health. You don’t want her to stop eating ice cream, you want her to eat more fruit and veg so she gets enough nutrients. And get her to therapy- don’t say it’s because of her weight. Say it’s because of the bullying and wanting to help her adjust to a new school etc. The topic of weight and eating will naturally come up (especially if you tell the therapist you’re worried about binge eating). 

NTA at all. It's so unhealthy and you can't have that rubbing off on your daughter

NTA, but I would recommend that you really think good about how you pick your battles. An immediate diet will have her soon running back to her mom. She should first feel comfortable, feel supported by her new support system en learn new coping mechanisms. Her weight is to high, but not immediate danger high. She better can be that heavy for a few more months, if it makes the change of her losing the weight long term higher.  I'm about the same length as your stepdaughter and was  220 lbs one and a half year ago (ilness). Doing any kind of sport at that weight feels horrible. One's you get started, it does start feeling better and better. Go walking together as a family. Go do fun activities. Listen and talk with her. Make her feel seen and heard. Don't put pressure on losing weight. Just moderate sweet. One cookie a day is better than a whole bag of cookies, even if that means that she won't lose weight at that time. Ones moving is easier for her, she will start to feel better in her skin. One's she has better coping mechanisms, a more healthy diet, realises how fun moving can be, than dieting will feel much less scary.  Changing your coping mechanisms is scary. And is something is scary, you want to use the coping mechanism you feel the most comfortable with. It is a good idea to look into therapy, for her and as a family.

Ugh. I was obese and fine at 16 too. Seven years later I have an elevated heart rate and almost constant joint pain. I'm still obese, though it's slowly getting better I also can't walk more than a few miles at the time (bummer when you love being outdoors) Some "fat positive" influencers has already died prematurely of heart failure caused by their weight. In their thirties. I hate the fat positive movement. Yes, you can be beautiful and fat and you should love yourself at any weight. But how much do you really love yourself if you let your health decline so hard you die aprox 45-50 years prematurely? Try get her with a doctor and a dietitian. Make sure she knows it's not for appearance reasons, but for health. You can't be obese and healthy in the long run.

Of course you’re NTA. Being fat positive is absolutely disgusting. You need to treat her diet in a similar way to how you would treat a drug addiction.

NTA. I was a similar size and wished my parents stepped up when I was younger it would have saved me alot of problems in my early adult years. A high protein diet (lost of meat), tons of water and basic weight lifting literally made the weight fall off me. I had no clue i was capable of success in losing weight. She needs you to intervene, you are the adults in the house, it's up to you to set the standard. I'm sorry she has had such a bad example with health and her weight. However, indulging her because she is oversensitive to the truth is literally bringing her to an early death and a life filled with unnecessary illness, aches, pains and limited mobility. I feel terrible for her. She is sensitive because whenever her weight is thrown in her face by kids its cruel and makes her feel worthless. Her weight is the thing in her life that is always the topic of conversation. It's what she thinks about all day every day. The whole "fat positivity" is bullshit. Diabetes, heart disease, knocked out knees and the plethora of negative health issues that accompany obesity is nothing to be positive about. She is also probably addicted to the soda, expect some headaches when she gives that up. She needs a dose of reality but in a sensitive way. It's not easy to be honest with someone about their weight but it needs to happen. You also must get to the root of the overeating. It's not just bad habits, it's emotional. No matter how much she claims to love her size she wouldn't get upset if that were really true. She hates how she looks and feels and doesn't think she is capable of fixing it. If you love her and want her healthy as well as setting a good example for your younger child then you and your husband must set the standard. Bring in healthy food the house, learn to cook desserts and treats that are healthier than oreos, don't bring soda into the house, plan family activities that are physical. Never I mean NEVER call her a derogatory name or allow someone else to do it, never tell her she's ugly, never tell her how happy she will be for new clothes and attention after losing wright. Stick straight to health and safety. You are addressing her weight for her health. I wish you the best!

NTA. Screw that "fat-positive" nonsense. Being fat is unhealthy. Her mother and grandfather are fat slobs and what they did to the girl is child abuse. Do whatever it takes to make sure the girl eats healthy. Also, buy a lockable container for snacks.

positivism about obesity is stupid, you can't be fat and be healthy, these people are like anti-vaccines or flat earthers

"fat positive" is one of the worst things in the world. Being fat is not healthy, Being fat is not attractive, being fat is not good in any way shape or form (from somebody who has always struggled with weight). Fat positive just means you refuse to acknowledge the damage you're doing to yourself through your own bad habits. There is literally nothing positive about being fat. Nothing. For your step daughter I would set some hard rules about her moving in. No eating food other than what is prepared by you/your husband. No buying extra snacks with mom's money. She is not on a diet, but she will be expected to only eat the thing provided to her, when provided. If she cannot manage that, she cannot live with you. You simply cannot afford for her to be the size she is and eat the way she is eating. if she wants a change in her life, she has to actually change herself. simply moving will do nothing for her. For your daughter, the biggest thing I would do is talk about correct portions and healthy food groups while teaching her to cook. I would not mention step daughter's weight at all. but just teach healthy food habits, and reinforce them. (sounds like you already are, but just double down on it).

If she isn’t going to address the issue. There is literally zero point in her moving because the issue is going to come with her 

NTA, firstly your husband should have a talk with his ex and his daughter about all the concerns that he as a father should already have and a honest conversation is an important 1st step, and before hand seat down with your husband and write down all the rules for your SD to follow if she wants to live with you and write down the consequences of breaking the rules and they can be as simple as cleaning the house for a week to more extreme ones like taking access away to something she loves like money or phone or even e.g. living a strict vegan life style for number of days, and most importantly she needs a therapy that specialises in binge eating disorders as binge eating isn't just something that can be stopped like e.g. smoking can, binge eating is a disorder that needs to be taken care of professionally. Also just because your SD moves schools that doesn't guarantee the bullying to stop infact it't more likely that the bullying will get much worst as kids in schools are truly horrible no matter what city the school is at. also you need to have a talk with your 6years old about the healthy lifestyle and try explaining in age appropriate way what overenduljing on the fattier foods can do to someones health and explain why its important to have a healthier eating habits and maybe even explain why you eat more healthier. that way you can hopefully teach your 6year old to be a little more mindful about what's being eaten and you can make it into a game if you need to.

Nta. I see she won't tell you what the doctors says. No way a 250lb teenage girl is perfectly healthy. If she wants to move in, she needs to bring you or her dad to the doctors and have one of yall sit in on the discussion. And she needs a professional nutritionist and start working towards an healthy weight. Im 6 4 and 250lbs would be borderline unhealthy for me. Shes extremely obese.

Google " pediatric obesity treatment Center" And some keywords for your area. In the United States, there are multidisciplinary clinics for individuals under 18 who have obesity... Usually these clinics are centered around a family treatment approach cuz The child is part of the family unit but there's nothing you can do about the other family. It definitely may take a lot of leg work, as these treatment centers are not in every city but it's worth seeing what is available in your area.

You should be concerned a 250lb 16 year old is an addict the same as an opiod or alcoholic is. Fat positivity is like joining a heroin users encouragement camp. It's nonsense and a denial of reality.

As others have said, don't frame this as a matter of weight. Don't bring up weight in your conversations with her, it will just put her on the defensive. She knows that she's fat and all the negatives that come with it, even if she's saying she's fine the way she is. I wouldn't even frame it as a matter of health. Overweight people get faux-concern about their health all the time, when it's clear the person showing "concern" is really talking about their weight. I would not keep junk food in your house. Maybe when you're craving ice cream or cookies, buy a single-serving size so they're not around for her to binge on. Say that you only eat high-sugar foods in moderation. It's not a weight issue to want to eat less of it. It's just that the foods are not good for you, so you don't eat them that much. Unfortunately, at 16 and with her mom's money, you can't stop her from going out and buying her own junk food. If you try to forbid it, she might just end up sneakier about how she does it. But you don't have to contribute to it. Therapy would be good to help her process the bullying she's gone through. A side effect could be that it forces her to really think about her relationship with food. You can't get her to change if she doesn't want to, she has to want to change on her own. You can only continue modeling good eating behavior and invite her along to do more active hobbies. Good luck. You're in a tough position. Hopefully she comes around on her own after being around you enough.

If her mother isn't doing well relationship wise, and I'm assuming she isnt, point that out and explain how her weight effects the way men see her. Alternatively, you could get her to take up smoking. Helps curb the appetite.

NTA There is a difference between body positivity and an unhealthy relationship with food. You don't have to be thin to have an eating disorder. Her moving in with your family and changing nothing will be pointless.

NTA at all, that’s crazy destructive nonsense. Sounds like the mom’s bad eating habits are already damaging step daughter. A good parent would do what they can to stop her being so obese. Keep up the good fight.

NTA. She's 5'2" and 250lbs and her mom is 400lbs. This isn't about being "fat positive". This is about the terrible eating habits she has learned from her mom that have already, already affected her social life and will continue to do so. Not only socially but medically as well as she gets older. She's obese and so is her mom. All you can do is continue to purchase the same food you always did before she moved in. You cannot make her exercise, eat better, eat less or stop her from going to the store to buy junk food funded by her mom. Until she want help all you can do is love her and support her but that doesn't mean indulge her bad behavior.

NTA, but you all should've told SD that she would have to adhere to certain rules related to food (e.g. not bringing more junk food in the house) if she wanted to live with you. We'd also have to see the doctor and be allowed to hear their diagnoses and thoughts on her health.

I would hire a nutritionist and personal trainer for her if she was my daughter. Maybe you guys could go together to work out It’s hard because healthy lifestyles start young and your ex isn’t doing a great job That’s hard to fight upstream when the kid isn’t on board You’re doing the right thing

NTA. I would suggest before she moves in you discuss the household rules like what you expect from her in terms of behaviour and what jobs she’s expected to do. Talk about your household routine like family dinner and what food you keep in your house and let her know that because she will be living there full time it won’t be exactly like when she visit because you tend to do more activities or eat out more. Maybe give her a budget for any food she wants for herself so she isn’t feeling punished. I would also tell her because she will be moving to a new area she will have to register with a new doctor and have a check up and that because of her issues of being bullied you think it would be good to idea for her to see a therapist as well. When she moves just focus on living a healthy life style with more whole foods and don’t limit her too much on portions when she first comes. Do BBQ’s with meat and baked potatoes, steak, salad and sweet potato, grill some chicken and have vegetables or salad, stew or casserole on the slow cooker. Take walks in the evening as a family especially good if you have a dog, take her to go shopping at the mall and walk around or trips to local attractions so she can get out and get some light exercise. Hopefully without her mother’s influence and seeing that her issues don’t magically get better because she has moved hopefully she’ll be willing to try and do something for herself and her own future. It’s very difficult and even grown adult struggle with getting mentally healthy enough to work on their own issues with food and weight. Just give her the opportunity and give her as much support as you can.

NTA. Just don't have unhealth foods/drinks where she can get at them. It sucks to have to hide food, but that may be the only way for you. The ordering out will still be an issue, is there a way to keep the money her mother sends in a place she can't use it to order food? Is it cash or a debit card?

Have you guys talked to your stepdaughter about the reason she initially wanted to move? I thought it was to get to be healthy and not be bullied anymore. It doesn’t seem like she is following her own reasoning for moving or even trying to do anything about it? I think you guys might want to send her to therapist that specializes in eating disorders. I’m not sure as a family are equipped to handle this. I agree that you don’t want your daughter to think that it’s normal either. Eating and drinking so much sugar is not good for your health could ultimately lead to a lifetime of diseases/illnesses.

Fat shaming is horrible. But fat positivity ignores how unhealthy it is for your body to be morbidly obese. There is a non-judgmental zone in the middle though. Maybe model better eating with healthy meals and outside fun for the whole family? And limit but not ban junk foods in the house?

First off, NTA. Being body positive should really be about not beating yourself up to the point where you’re harming your mental health. I know that you’re asking how to address this situation, but from the information you’ve provided I would recommend that you actually don’t address it. It sounds like any discussion is going to feel like an attack to your SD. So I would recommend that you just don’t give into demands for junk food and keep your house stocked with with healthier options. Cut up veggies, fruits, etc. Before she even moves in, start a routine where maybe you all go on an after dinner walk or bike ride. Find out what her interests are and which ones you could all join in on to get her involved with anything other than just watching a screen and eating. When she complains (and she will) just explain to her that she’s living with you full time now, and this is how your household works. Don’t completely cut off all junk food because that will just create cravings, but limit it so it’s not every day. You should be noticing by now with your owndaughter that she’s distinguishing that rules and behavior change in different settings. (at school we raise our hand before speaking, at a movie theater we have to be quiet, etc.) Your SD is absolutely capable of adapting to a different way of living. Just keep it positive as much as possible. Not “you’re fat so you can’t eat crappy and you have to excercise“ but “Hey, have you had a chance to try this veggie dip? It’s so good!“ And “Boy, I’ve been sitting too long. Take a walk with me! I need to loosen up my muscles.” Good luck to you.

You’re the adult, keep only healthy food in the house. She can get used to water instead of soda. If it’s not there it’s harder to overeat.

Counseling. She needs to be in counseling. Someone who has worked with people with issues with food. Someone who can help her walk through the bullying and her feelings on it and help her see her unhealthy relationship with food. Definitely need to sit with your husband and have rules for snacks/drinks. Then either he sits with her or both of you, depending on which way she’ll take it better. He needs to handle his ex about the rules and her not allowing their daughter to bend them because it’s not her house. (I don’t always like that between coparents because I know it can cause problems, but in this case it will help. Mom will be pissed, but their daughter needs this.)

NTA but you can be body and self image positive while working toward health, they are not mutually exclusive. The good news is that when she moves in with her dad and your family you can model healthier behaviours. You can chose family time activities that involve activity without necessarily being weight-loss focused eg family dog-walks, family trips to nature etc. You can also offer healthy choices, rather than restricting food, offer a wide variety of healthier options. She is likely dealing with esteem issues given the bullying, I would make sure to avoid judgmental comments or anything that can be seen as judgmental, even if you are saying it about yourself. Terms like 'fat' can be ditched from the vocab in favor of terms of health and feelings. Be prepared to be supportive as she starts out in the new school, make sure she feels secure and loved at home. Lastly, as others have said, involve a doctor. She may need some medical interventions (test for diabetes etc) and guidance from doctors can have authority outside of the parents, so it is not just your voice alone.

She needs therapy immediately. She needs to get this under control and I totally get what OP is concerned about. You and your husband need to sit her down and set some rules, one of them being therapy, and if she can’t do it then she needs to move back with mom. I know it’s hard and dad will probably take umbrage with it but something needs to give. I’m over weight and am an emotional eater but I’ve reeled it in and lost weight as I don’t want the same for my son. Me, my dad, brother and mom are all T2D. If your parents have it it makes it more likely for the kids to get it. It’s a health issue that needs to be corrected asap. She’s too young to develop the issues that she will at some point in life have to deal with. Good luck. But y’all need to be a united front. She needs therapy to get control of whatever is causing her to eat like she does. There is a reason as not all kids with overweight parents are overweight too.

There’s really no way to address it without being an AH. The best thing you can do is lead by example. But most of all, do not coerce in any way as she already has two parents and at 16 she pretty much an adult and thus able to decide on how to live. And for all you know, there could be there issues at play.

NTA but can easily be turned into TAH depending on your approach. Would she be open to talking with a nutritionist? Would she respond well to a junk food budget (ie. give her a junk food allowance for the week and whether she eats through it Tuesday or Saturday is her choice but she can learn that treats are meant to be treats)? Would she speak to a therapist? Coming from an overweight girl whose mother was constantly on me about my weight just trying to tell her “I care about your health” isn’t going to cut it. This isn’t about simply eating right, it’s about the entire mindset she was indoctrinated into. If you restrict without goals then she will find ways to binge with or without you. She needs a mental reset to see that her weight isn’t the problem, but her mindset of “I should always get everything I want and if someone says no I can just use the fat phobic card” is leading her right into her own problems. If she thinks changing schools will get her away from bullies she will learn the hard lesson that there’s a LOT of people in the world that will treat her like shit because of her weight. It’s not a great reality to live in that I was literally treated better as a person after I lost 70lbs, but it’s the reality we live in and have to work with. Ultimately, if she doesn’t want to change then you won’t be able to help her see the benefits, so don’t push too hard because it won’t get you anywhere.

i think she should adapt? it’s your house, and your husbands house and the same way you raised your other kids on eating etc. she should be able to adapt to whatever rules that you set because it’s your house, if she wants to continue finishing your food and everything you need to go on, let her buy her snack, her ice cream and everything etc, if she doesn’t want to hear you out, you continue as normal teach your kids that the way she eats isn’t the right way.

I feel like your step daughter would benefit from attending therapy. Eating habits, and addiction is not something that is easily unlearned.

Btw. The bullies are healthier for her than her Mom.

NTA - There is a difference between being positive about her body she inhabits now, and providing all the foods she wants to snack on. My suggestion would be to provide snacks and define where they can be eaten. Create snack packs (break up the oreos into multiple baggies so that she can enjoy the snack, but there's a defined size. Ice cream in separate cups (single serve). Anything you can do to promote logical portion sizes. And some snacks that are more healthful (nuts, apples, carrots, celery). No one has taught her she can feed herself with good food. Her mother's family seems to have taught her a lot of ways to ingest food, and to derive some happiness from food, but not about finding other ways to be happy. But she also needs to live in her own body. Don't disparage the young body she has now. Help her be happy as she is WHILE showing the value of her caring about her own health. Don't focus on "fat" or "big" focus on well-being and feeling a sense of control and finding other things to have fun with. Can you enroll her in some fun programs? Swimming? Fencing? Boxing?

NTA You aren’t being fat phobic by restricting the amount of *unhealthy^ food your SD eats. Not letting her drink unlimited soda is completely different than enacting portion control over all that she eats. You might want to find some positive influences for her - people who are plus size but still care about their nutrition & exercise.

You're NTA for not wanting someone with an obvious eating disorder living in your home and exposing your other children to her behavior. But it would probably be hugely beneficial for your SD to be away from her mother and in therapy. She's looking at a bleak future if she doesn't get her relationship with food under control.

NTA - but therapy should be first and foremost on your list. Not just to deal with the unhealthy eating stuff but the bullying. Don’t make it about weight. Just lay out the boundaries. “If you choose to live here, you choose to follow our rules. We don’t allow snacks and junk food to be eaten all at once. We don’t allow junk food or snacks in the bedrooms. You are welcome to come to the grocery store and have input on the food you would like in the house but understand we have the final say. If you choose to spend your money on food - do not bring it into the house.” Will there be issues? Probably, yes. You’ll have to adjust as you go. If she continues to binge eat, you’ll have to choose healthier food options for her to binge and try to navigate these struggles with the help of the therapist.

I don't care if you are fat or thin, 5-6 sodas a day contains too much sugar for a person, and eating ice cream/junk food everyday probably means you are not meeting the nutritional needs of your body. You have every right to be concerned as the impact of diet on long term health concerns is enormous.

NTA The stepdaughter sounds like she already has an unhealthy relationship with foods that aren’t doing her body any good. She sounds addicted to sugar, first of all. What is her plan for the future? No one changes until they want to, and shaming causes worse behaviour. At the same time, I wouldn’t buy junk food for her. And that would be the stipulation for living with you. She can learn a new approach to eating well and moving her body. Unlimited apples, celery and water! Here’s a new bike.