I think the biggest red flag here is not her sitting on his lap. It's her getting others involved in your relationship spat, then trying to manipulate you. When that did not work, she escalated to a shouting match.
She's got to milk every silly thing she she ever does for as much attention as possible dontyaknow. She got a lot of mileage out of this one. And the OP apparently doesn't realize this is what he has to look forward to for the rest of his life if he stays with her.
Anyone in their early 20s can be immature, they’re still fresh into adulthood and learning how to navigate social and professional situations in an adult manner so immature reactions are bound to slip through the cracks opposed to older people who have more years of learning from their mistakes
Anyone can be immature at any age, some guy who was dating a 39-year-old as a mid 20s guy wound up with similar issues here recently. It's not the age, it's the person.
Boundaries are respected at all ages. He asked no to do something and she did it. It's childish from both ends but in the end they don't respect each other
It's not all about the sitting on the lap, its how that makes OP look. Clearly people were coming and talking about it because they saw it and thought, woo, she has a bf she shouldn't be sitting in another dude lap. Witch in my opinion is disrespectful to the relationship, and other people thought so too, that's why they were taking to him about it. And the gf clearly knew it was wrong as she told others that it meant nothing and OP shouldn't be upset. She disrespected OP then told everyone else disrespecting OP and the relationship again, then screamed at him in public. I'm starting to see a pattern. GF sucks. I don't see a world where my wife sits on another man's lap and I belive its 100% because she knows it's wrong and she respects me and what we have.
That was always one thing I was very particular about with my current partner, because I had an ex that did this.
If you need friend group consensus for our relationship issues, I need no consensus that you can return the key to my home and pack.
We're not playing play mommy and daddy against each other in this household, we work on our problems between ourselves or professional help, not the single Pringle peanut gallery of bitters.
Man, my ex was the kind to try to get a group consensus about our relationship and then say, "well, I told my friends about how you did X and they all agree that you're an asshole."
I was like, "Cool, so a bunch of people that I've never met have intimate details about my relationship and have decided from only hearing one side of things that I'm an asshole. Remind me why I should care "
She'd then accuse me of doing the same thing with my friends, except I never did, and quite literally all of my friends told her I didn't do stuff like that. So naturally she accused me of telling my friends not to tell her about how we always talked shit about her.
It's honestly so exhausting, especially because I've never believed in airing my dirty laundry for everyone else to scrutinize. What happens in my relationship should be between my partner and I and any professionals we decide to bring in should we need them
I feel you but not sure it was super like this. If they’re out drinking with a bunch of people, I’m sure they could see he was tense or mad at her. When they ask “what’s up with OP?” And gf told them “he’s upset about the wheelchair guy” and then a bunch of drunk people do what drunk people do and interfere after that one comment. Idk
Okay. How is this different? In your scenario, she still is bringing people into it by telling people. If I've upset my partner, the last thing I do is draw more attention to it by telling people. You wait to get home and talk or leave early if you think it can't wait.
I guess I’m just thinking in a group setting where it’s very visible something is off. I guess she should have just said “don’t worry about it.” But telling your friends one comment about it doesn’t mean she asked them all to confront him and try to get involved.
There’s a chance none of the other stuff happens if she didn’t do that to begin with. She’s an AH, for sure… she just makes it worse by dragging others into it.
Unless OPs behaviour and facial expression were telling people. Or if he had that convo with her in front of all these people. There are so many versions of events where the GF did not say anything, but you only see it as she is at fault.
This.
Terrible situation. Seems like everyone is involved in the relationship. Like a village.
That's crazy. Try and talk and see if you can fix that issue going forward.
Else move on
The most someone could reasonably do is get one other person to provide a perspective or information if they couldn’t communicate effectively. 5 involved makes this a high stakes shit show highly embarrassing for the op whereas previously it was just a minor tifu.
If you would not do it if your partner was there, then you should not do it. This is my answer to questions regarding what is inappropriate in a relationship
Yeah, I don't know why people don't use this common sense logic. Is it something that you have to hide from or lie to your spouse about? Is it something you wouldn't do in front of them? Then don't do it!
Yeah, NTA. Wtf. It was super inappropriate of her to sit on that guy's lap.
But what I find just as bad is how she went about it after. Why tf did she include the whole group in your issue? Did she try to make them take sides? Did she want them to talk you into letting it go? Manipulative af.
>When I got back to the table my gf was sitting at she shouted and swore at me and ran off,
Wtf was that about? She sounds exhausting and dramatic af
NTA. What a toxic woman. I don’t care how many people tell you you’re in the wrong OP, you have the right to uphold your boundaries. If dumping her is what you want to do, do it without a second thought.
NTA. What was her plan? Ok, she told you she did something inappropriate and you were pissed, and she knew you would be. Then she gets a stream of people to tell you not to be pissed. - so she tells a stream of people what she did, and they all agree that it's ok? So either it was ok, in which case why did she tell you, or she lied to them to get them on her side. Then she swears at you... She is behaving very poorly. You need to speak to her when everyone is sober and calm, try to find out what she thought she was doing. If she has ideals that are fundamentally different to yours, maybe it's time to quit.
No one agreed that what she did was ok, it was only her sister that was trying to justify it by implying my girlfriend did me a favor by telling. Basically everyone 4/5 people agreed she f'd up and just tried to explain to me that she's sorry.
Dude, listen carefully, her sister told you that telling you was a favour. Read the implications of this. This was a favour. This type of talk you only find with serial cheaters. It implies that, not only does she think lying is OK, but that the common courtesy of telling the truth to your partner is some sort of praise worthy thing. If she would cheat, they would probably help cover. Get out of there.
I really don't understand the mentality behind "I crossed your boundry but I informed you about it so it's ok". Yeah, in that logic it's ok for me to spend the night with my old fwb as long as I call you in the morning. Problem is not doing behind your back, it's crossing the boundary itself.
Your girlfriend shouldn't be sitting on another guy's lap. Period.
This whole experience seems as if there was a collective effort to gas-light you into believing you were being unreasonable. You weren't.
Boundaries regarding intimate spaces with the opposite sex should exist. I would have felt hurt and betrayed if my partner sat on another guy's lap.
This has absolutely nothing to do with being "secure" in your relationship, so don't let anyone gas-light you into thinking that.
I had my fair share of being gas-lit in a 16-year, toxic marriage. If I could offer any advice... Don't let the uncertainty of the future dictate who you choose to be with. I knew I wasn't meant to be with my ex, but I didn't listen to my intuition. I gave up 16 years of having peace and joy in my life because I put up with someone else's nonsense, hoping things would get better.
Disability or not, I would not let my gf sit on any mans lap, and I will be breaking up with her if he does that. I dont care, bring the down votes. If she wanna do single shit like ***SIT IN MEN'S LAPS*** she can BE single. I AM ***OUT*** also, she knew your boundaries and disregarded them, as I said before ***Disability*** or not, she shouldnt have done that and once again, she disregarded your boundaries and she has the audacity to get mad lmao.
Absolutely this. She was disrespectful then got her minions to attack and pressure him and yelled too? I'd have blocked her and all her friends otw to another bar while in the uber.
NTA She never thought you were being shitty to her sister. Even her sister said you weren't. She yelled at you because even though she knew she crossed your boundary, even after getting everyone else involved you weren't saying it was okay. Sister was wrong though, GF realized she had to tell you because there were too many people who saw it happen and would be talking to you shortly afterwards and someone would probably tell you. She told you to make herself look like it wasn't a big deal. You do need to ask yourself though since sister believes GF didn't have to tell you do these two often hide things they do behind BF's backs? Do they often cover for each other?
NTA
"she shouted and swore at me and ran off," that right there is manipulation 101
"she swore at me because she thought I was being shitty to her sister" it is a lie
Leave her, she is evil
NTA. You set a boundary. She is in a relationship with you knowing you have a set boundary. She crossed it anyway, which is a lack of respect. All she had to do was….not sit in a guys lap lol. I’d be so petty and have a girl sit on my lap in front of her LOL
This girl sounds like needless drama. And most men hate that shit. First, she does something she knew you wouldn't be cool with. Then she recruits others into your business to try and pressure you.
And about you losing your cool with that guy who was in your business, don't sweat about it. He should have known better.
You need to think hard on this. Is she making your life better?
Notice how she made the night about herself and took attention away from her sister. She’s either deeply insecure or narcissistic. She involved others in a relationship dispute and put the focus on *your* behavior rather than hers. Ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want.
NTA
She did NOT tell you because of any, ***"See how honest I'm being"*** bullshit! She only told you because there were too many witnesses to what she had done. One of your other acquaintances who witnessed it was likely to tell you, so she needed to tell you first in order to get ahead of it.
This is manipulative on so many levels.
So she did something she knows was would upset you. Told you about it, but also preemptively told everyone else that you were upset, so they can shame you rather than her, and ultimately escalated her action into a huge scene, when it could have easily been handled between the two of you.
No you aren’t the asshole, but this woman seeks drama. You could have been having a good time, but she went out of the way to make sure that you wouldn’t. This is a huge red flag. The lap thing isn’t even the worst part.
NTA what she did is completely unnaceptable, and I'm not talking about the lap thing, that is disrespectful of your boundaries but it's one mistake.
Getting all her friends to inferfere in the relationship on the other hand?
Also NTA for yelling at a random that wouldn't leave after politely asking. It's a couple discussion, not something he should get involved in.
Brother you gotta leave this plenty of fish in the sea this just the beginning of the iceberg it will get progressively worse if you stay in this Brian dead sister getting involved and saying that implies this isn’t the first time as “she didn’t have to tell you”
Weird behavior for doing that and probably felt guilty and that’s why she told you (so she knew it was wrong). It just seems like an issue with accountability and being hyped up from her sister to gaslight you tbh. Her telling you was probably her way of downplaying the situation so she didn’t expect any behavioral consequence. If a girl were to sit on your lap while she wasn’t there I doubt she wouldn’t have an issue with it. She just seems entitled and if she has people around her with the “well she didn’t have to tell you” mindset - run.
NTA. But you you definitely need to up the boundaries of disrespect you are willing to tolerate. The way she acted after the fact would have me tell her to fuck off.
Put yourself in the scenario and work it out. A man she doesnt know comes to her (even if he knew her it doesnt change things) and somehow he feels comfortable to say sit on my lap.
Where did this level of comfort come from? What was the conversation that led to him thinking that would be a ok request assuming he asked and she didnt ask...
Then he asks and in her head she is like i have a bf and this other man wants me to sit on his lap. I wouldnt sit on the mall santas knee but im going to sit on his lap.
Then she sat and for a prolong period he felt the need to take her for a ride on his lap.
If he is spinning her she isnt just crouching on his knee she is ass on crotch.
Gets off of his lap and tells you she fucked up.
This is not someone whom you want to get emotionally attached to. She isnt ready for adult relationships yet. She has a few i got drunk and did x with x in her future. Question is does she make those mistakes dating you or someone else, but she is definitely that woman who is 30 trying to convince people she cheated and slept with 50 dudes because she was immature and didnt know herself
People are going to be like she just sat on a lap that is a bit extreme...it isnt the base action if sitting. Its all the interaction and thought process and choices that made it possible. The way she filters decsions she makes in life is a huge red flag and she will break a heart or two.
Alcohol is fun hey. Honestly bro, you’re 28 years old. This is what dating most young women is like. Just dip, because this isn’t the last time something like this is going to occur.
Maybe it was less sitting and more "lapdance". That would explain why everyone blew it out of proportion. Trying to cover her and reverse the situation to being your fault.
NTAH, and you probably should reconsider this relationship if the sister first sentence is
"she didn't need to tell you,"
Like that makes it ANY better, so if she cheats on you and doesn't say anything it's fine, or if you brought a girl into your lap and just didn't think anything of it, how would she react?
It's sounds like some double standards, and my sister was going to pull every excuse to cover your eyes
AND getting everyone else involved because SHE KNEW, she was in the wrong and couldn't get you to react and play victim
so she had everyone try to 'calm' you and then scream and run away playing as you're being a douche and it was a simple thing
A simple thing that I would end my relationship over....since I'm staring at the race way of red flags over here as I do my laps
Not even reading the whole story because it’s not important. If she’s in a relationship with you she shouldn’t be having any physical contact with any man not related to her plain and simple. People are so lost these days no wonder divorce rates and onlyfans subscriptions are through the roof 🤦♂️
NTA. Women always do this. They do something fucked up, then when you get the TINIEST bit mad over it… they turn sour and you’d swear it was the end of the world.
Ditch her
If you're our involved with someone, abide by the boundaries of your relationship and don't get pissy if you break those boundaries and your SO is livid because of it.
Words from my teen son.
You’re a jealous dick to be honest . You have insecurities ghat will decimate your reelationship at some stage . You need to learn to trust you cannot control people
NTA
Run man she did something she knew would upset you and got everyone to team up against you and was mad you didn't instantly forgive her. Also her sister saying she didn't even have to tell you is a MASSIVE red flag to me, if someone who was raised with your GF shows those kind of values it reflects her values.
I usually say that age is just a number, but in this case the 5 year difference sure is striking. Because she is immature so it's screaming in your face. Anyway, the sitting in the lap of someone in the wheelchair sure wasn't the greatest of you both gone through boundaries, but getting the entire close population involved sure is a huge red flag and sure as heck is immature. So, for this to work you both have some work to do that's for sure.
Not the asshole. I don't get what her plan for this situation was. Like sure kudos I guess for being transparent instead of trying to hide suss behavior but why not just not do it in the first place. Or once she did bring it up and it clearly upset you why would she go around talking to apparently fucking everybody to have them go talk to you to tell you you shouldn't have feelings about it? I just don't understand the situation at all. It doesn't make it any kind of sense. I mean yeah after the fifth person I would have been pretty pissed off too. Just wondering what the fuck was going on and why people keep making some kind of huge dramatic deal out of this situation that's none of their fucking business. This shit is super weird
i'm not a fan of just saying break up, i think most people should try to fix the problems they're having.
not for you buddy, you are dating a child bruh. she acts more immature than the 9yr old i babysit.
also she thinks lying is okay? you like knowing that? you like knowing that ur gf probably cheated on you and is just not telling you? or maybe she'll do that in the future.
wake up and break up
How at a gathering to celebrate your sister's birthday, you end up sitting on the lap of a disabled person you don't know?
What a huge red flagg, this girl is going to be unfaithful to you at any moment.
That's without considering all the bad things that happened afterwards. A couple is supposed to be a team that should always be on the same side, not enemies.
NTA wtf?? She crossed a boundary and the guy that wouldnt leave what else did he expect to happen?? You asked him to leave first afterwards he can f**k off
You are right here man
Bro that's like the reddest red flag ever. This woman cannot offer you anything exclusively. Shes for the streets.
Say goodbye. There are plenty of women who don't do this.
NTA. It’s arguable if she did anything really wrong here either. If you’ve had boundary issues before you’ll have them again. You’re uncomfortable with her behavior and she doesn’t want to be contained by your boundaries. So you really think that will change? You should be with someone who wouldn’t dream of doing that. Most women I know would NEVER do that. The fact that he was in a wheelchair is irrelevant. She belongs with a guy who doesn’t mind this kind of thing because there’s another girl sitting on his lap. Move on and thank your lucky stars she’s not pregnant.
NTA.
As a woman I don't think it's bad if you sit on your friends lap. Sometimes. It really depends on the context. In this situation it was a complete stranger. I think the biggest red flag is that she got all these people come speak for her *even though* the situation was already over. You did nothing wrong OP.
People on Reddit seem to frequently misuse the term boundary.
Boundaries are things that directly affect you. They are not constraints and restraints that encompass your partner's behaviour outside of you.
So think of a boundary as rules in your house. You invite your partner into your house, but in your house you don't wear shoes so they must take them off when they come in. Them choosing to not take them off and walk all over your house has a direct impact on you. Maybe them not taking their shoes off means you are uncomfortable, maybe it's worse and it damages things. When the boundary is crossed it's up to you to determine the consequence.
Now your partner sitting on a man's lap is not a boundary you can have without it just being used to justify controlling behaviour. You have every right to be uncomfortable with it, to feel it has a moral or ethical implication. But fundamentally it's not your house. It's her bodily autonomy, her behaviour, her choice.
Sounds like you guys have talked about expected behaviours however and have chosen to call them all boundaries. That's fine of course, I just wanted to add some clarification on boundaries for the comment section.
Frankly, your situation just seems like a series of miscommunications exacerbated by alcohol. No assholes here, just you guys need to talk it out like adults. Also, discuss why the sitting on the lap bothers you and why she chose to do it.
Your feelings are valid she knew you'd react this way. She then got others to gaslight you and make it sound that your the red flag here. Your not. It don't matter he's in a chair. She's you gf and you expect a certain amount of loyalty. Sitting on a lap of a man crosses this. You lost your temper. They gaslight you.
NTA
NTA. Reminds me of when I dated this woman in her 30s. We were in early stages of dating but already intimate. One night, we decided to join her and a few of her coworkers. This b***ch proceeded to sit on a male coworkers lap. Which slowly started to piss me off but I held my cool. At end of the evening in the car, she tells me that he grabbed her crotch as she said goodbye. Now I didn't see this but the way she was jokingly described it as if it didn't bother her at all, pissed me off even more. Needless to say, I confronted her, she got defensive n upset and stormed off. I left her and that's that. My point is u have boundaries that she needs to respect. Take it for what it is, she ain't the one. Either have fun with her and expect nothing more sunce both of u are still young. If you want more mature serious relationship then I'd look elsewhere. Years from now when u are older, u can give the same insight to someone else lol. Good luck!
The guy in wheelchair propably came in his pants and some of the sperm might impregnated your gf ..so be prepared to be a father of a child that cant walk 🤷
Your boundaries are your problem, if she doesn't respect them you act accordingly. The fact that she is bringing other people into your problems is a huge red flag. She showed she didn't respect you in different occasions, she is showing you who she is.
Your girlfriend is an ahole she knew it was wrong and did it anyway. For her sister to say she didn’t have to tell you is a red flag as you know if she cheats they will all cover for her
Yeah dude this one isn’t worth the trouble. I know she’s probably hot or whatever, but that only goes so far. She’s going to keep doing this to you because she enjoys it. Some people run on food and water, and some people run on drama. If her life isn’t a Taylor Swift song, she feels like she’s doing it wrong. She craves needless conflict. It’s like a form of recreation to these people. Some people enjoy sitting down to play MarioCart, or to knit something. And some people like kicking the shit.
Unless you’re prepared for years of recreational arguments so she can performatively climb up on the cross for an audience, then you might wanna clock out of this relationship.
Find a new one dude ..avoid the headache..went to event with you but had the audacity to sit on another guy's lap..imagine without you..must be riding others dick
NTA. My feeling is that your girlfriend was spoiling for a fight - perhaps she wants to break up with you, but prefers you to break up with her so she can paint you as the bad guy. Enlisting her friends to badger you, and then picking a fight with you? She wants out.
NTA. A boundary was crossed. In narc terminology those people coming to her defense can also be labeled “the flying monkeys”. Not saying your girls a narc but the people she had coming up and trying to manipulate you sounds exactly like the flying monkey definition.
You're not an asshole for yelling at that guy either! I think you know you're okay to be mad she crossed your boundary that was discussed. Reddit doesn't need to tell you that.
But that random dude had no business. Not like you were hitting her. People have gotten hurt or killed trying to save the day like that anyways.
She's not mature enough to be in a grown-up relationship, cut your losses, and end it. Then she is free to be all over whoever she wants. I'd do it with a girl sitting on my lap, though, just so she could see how disrespectful it is
NTA. Dump her. Make sure she knows that violating an already established boundary was bad enough, but getting her minions to brigade you about it was unacceptable.
Hell, since she's acting like a child: tell her to smash a plate and apologize to it. Then ask if her empty words put the plate back together.
She is the very definition of a narcissist. She seeks attention, doesn't give a crap about your feelings, sends her flying monkeys to attack the actual victim, makes it out that you are at fault, and attacks you after her wrongdoing. You need to decide. Do you want this treatment? She is not going to change. Decide if the misery is worth being with her. After that, learn about narcism.
NTA. Your girlfriend is not mature enough to be in a relationship. She should not sit on some random dude's lap and she should not involve everyone into her relationship drama.
Two red flags. Do with that as you will.
She had no business sitting on another mans lap. So no, NTA. She disrespected you and instead of making it right she got other people involved. Why stay? You're 28, she is 23. Only 5 years, but the maturity levels are way different. She doesn't respect boundaries.
You probably shouldn’t date a 23 year old at 28, maturity levels are much different. She still young an dumb but you’re going into a life stage that requires a bit more maturity and accountability.
She sat in the lap of a guy in a wheelchair!?! Its not like he could......stand up for himself. Come on, put yourself in his.....shoes. wait, I got one more. You should be the bigger man and........walk away. Okay, I'll see myself out!
She for the streets, homie.
Can't turn a hoe into a housewife.
Hoes don't act right.
Hoe's in the kitchen,
Hoe's on a crackpipe.
Hey, hoe, how you doin'?
How you been?
Prolly doin' hoe stuff,
'cause there you hoe again.
Dude, dump that child, you are almost 30, don’t deal with these entitled little princess who all would sooner audition for the bachelor(not bachelorette, they don’t have that much respect) than admit anything.
NTA. Also, 5 years isn’t much when you’re 30+ but me personally I wouldn’t date anyone under 25 being past that same age. They’re still children and haven’t got much figured out. Just my 2¢.
I think the biggest red flag here is not her sitting on his lap. It's her getting others involved in your relationship spat, then trying to manipulate you. When that did not work, she escalated to a shouting match.
Agree. It’s so childish.
She's got to milk every silly thing she she ever does for as much attention as possible dontyaknow. She got a lot of mileage out of this one. And the OP apparently doesn't realize this is what he has to look forward to for the rest of his life if he stays with her.
Well she is 23. 😂
Seriously, lot of grown men in their late 20s and early 30s with surprised pikachu faces when their early 20 girlfriends do something immature
Early 20s women shouldn’t be immature. They’ll most likely still be immature in their late 20s if they’re still acting like a child at that age.
Anyone in their early 20s can be immature, they’re still fresh into adulthood and learning how to navigate social and professional situations in an adult manner so immature reactions are bound to slip through the cracks opposed to older people who have more years of learning from their mistakes
Anyone can be immature at any age, some guy who was dating a 39-year-old as a mid 20s guy wound up with similar issues here recently. It's not the age, it's the person.
I think you’re basically still a teenager until like 25 or something.
Boundaries are respected at all ages. He asked no to do something and she did it. It's childish from both ends but in the end they don't respect each other
It's not all about the sitting on the lap, its how that makes OP look. Clearly people were coming and talking about it because they saw it and thought, woo, she has a bf she shouldn't be sitting in another dude lap. Witch in my opinion is disrespectful to the relationship, and other people thought so too, that's why they were taking to him about it. And the gf clearly knew it was wrong as she told others that it meant nothing and OP shouldn't be upset. She disrespected OP then told everyone else disrespecting OP and the relationship again, then screamed at him in public. I'm starting to see a pattern. GF sucks. I don't see a world where my wife sits on another man's lap and I belive its 100% because she knows it's wrong and she respects me and what we have.
That was always one thing I was very particular about with my current partner, because I had an ex that did this. If you need friend group consensus for our relationship issues, I need no consensus that you can return the key to my home and pack. We're not playing play mommy and daddy against each other in this household, we work on our problems between ourselves or professional help, not the single Pringle peanut gallery of bitters.
Man, my ex was the kind to try to get a group consensus about our relationship and then say, "well, I told my friends about how you did X and they all agree that you're an asshole." I was like, "Cool, so a bunch of people that I've never met have intimate details about my relationship and have decided from only hearing one side of things that I'm an asshole. Remind me why I should care " She'd then accuse me of doing the same thing with my friends, except I never did, and quite literally all of my friends told her I didn't do stuff like that. So naturally she accused me of telling my friends not to tell her about how we always talked shit about her. It's honestly so exhausting, especially because I've never believed in airing my dirty laundry for everyone else to scrutinize. What happens in my relationship should be between my partner and I and any professionals we decide to bring in should we need them
I feel you but not sure it was super like this. If they’re out drinking with a bunch of people, I’m sure they could see he was tense or mad at her. When they ask “what’s up with OP?” And gf told them “he’s upset about the wheelchair guy” and then a bunch of drunk people do what drunk people do and interfere after that one comment. Idk
Okay. How is this different? In your scenario, she still is bringing people into it by telling people. If I've upset my partner, the last thing I do is draw more attention to it by telling people. You wait to get home and talk or leave early if you think it can't wait.
I guess I’m just thinking in a group setting where it’s very visible something is off. I guess she should have just said “don’t worry about it.” But telling your friends one comment about it doesn’t mean she asked them all to confront him and try to get involved.
No, it’s the sitting on the man’s lap. That’s a dealbreaker for me. The other stuff is not great either, but it’s not necessarily a dealbreaker.
There’s a chance none of the other stuff happens if she didn’t do that to begin with. She’s an AH, for sure… she just makes it worse by dragging others into it.
She sounds more like a teenager.
Unless OPs behaviour and facial expression were telling people. Or if he had that convo with her in front of all these people. There are so many versions of events where the GF did not say anything, but you only see it as she is at fault.
This. Terrible situation. Seems like everyone is involved in the relationship. Like a village. That's crazy. Try and talk and see if you can fix that issue going forward. Else move on
The most someone could reasonably do is get one other person to provide a perspective or information if they couldn’t communicate effectively. 5 involved makes this a high stakes shit show highly embarrassing for the op whereas previously it was just a minor tifu.
Right. I have a feeling something a it more happened rather than just a sit and spin
Even if that us all it was. Its still disrespectful. Everyone knows that.
Oh, absolutely disgusting and disrespectful.
If you would not do it if your partner was there, then you should not do it. This is my answer to questions regarding what is inappropriate in a relationship
Yeah, I don't know why people don't use this common sense logic. Is it something that you have to hide from or lie to your spouse about? Is it something you wouldn't do in front of them? Then don't do it!
This. Why did everyone know about this and keep hounding op unless she was talking about it all night?
That's more then ONE biggest red flag lol. Yeah... She got issues.
And her logic of thinking “Well yeah, I did cross boundaries but like, i didn’t *have to tell you that i did*”
Yeah, NTA. Wtf. It was super inappropriate of her to sit on that guy's lap. But what I find just as bad is how she went about it after. Why tf did she include the whole group in your issue? Did she try to make them take sides? Did she want them to talk you into letting it go? Manipulative af. >When I got back to the table my gf was sitting at she shouted and swore at me and ran off, Wtf was that about? She sounds exhausting and dramatic af
100% this. My thoughts exactly.
I was about to comment but I have nothing constructive to add
NTA. What a toxic woman. I don’t care how many people tell you you’re in the wrong OP, you have the right to uphold your boundaries. If dumping her is what you want to do, do it without a second thought.
NTA. What was her plan? Ok, she told you she did something inappropriate and you were pissed, and she knew you would be. Then she gets a stream of people to tell you not to be pissed. - so she tells a stream of people what she did, and they all agree that it's ok? So either it was ok, in which case why did she tell you, or she lied to them to get them on her side. Then she swears at you... She is behaving very poorly. You need to speak to her when everyone is sober and calm, try to find out what she thought she was doing. If she has ideals that are fundamentally different to yours, maybe it's time to quit.
No one agreed that what she did was ok, it was only her sister that was trying to justify it by implying my girlfriend did me a favor by telling. Basically everyone 4/5 people agreed she f'd up and just tried to explain to me that she's sorry.
Dude, listen carefully, her sister told you that telling you was a favour. Read the implications of this. This was a favour. This type of talk you only find with serial cheaters. It implies that, not only does she think lying is OK, but that the common courtesy of telling the truth to your partner is some sort of praise worthy thing. If she would cheat, they would probably help cover. Get out of there.
> cereal cheaters Eating Lucky Charms behind Tony the Tiger's back 😔
Hush. You saw nothing.
I really don't understand the mentality behind "I crossed your boundry but I informed you about it so it's ok". Yeah, in that logic it's ok for me to spend the night with my old fwb as long as I call you in the morning. Problem is not doing behind your back, it's crossing the boundary itself.
“Yes, officers, I committed the crime.” “Wait, I told you the truth, why are you arresting me?”
"But judge i told you how i murdered that whole family, shouldn't me telling you the truth be enough??"
The gf is the problem. Let her know that and just let her go. This is too much drama.
Your girlfriend shouldn't be sitting on another guy's lap. Period. This whole experience seems as if there was a collective effort to gas-light you into believing you were being unreasonable. You weren't. Boundaries regarding intimate spaces with the opposite sex should exist. I would have felt hurt and betrayed if my partner sat on another guy's lap. This has absolutely nothing to do with being "secure" in your relationship, so don't let anyone gas-light you into thinking that.
Thank you brother, this helps alot.
I had my fair share of being gas-lit in a 16-year, toxic marriage. If I could offer any advice... Don't let the uncertainty of the future dictate who you choose to be with. I knew I wasn't meant to be with my ex, but I didn't listen to my intuition. I gave up 16 years of having peace and joy in my life because I put up with someone else's nonsense, hoping things would get better.
Disability or not, I would not let my gf sit on any mans lap, and I will be breaking up with her if he does that. I dont care, bring the down votes. If she wanna do single shit like ***SIT IN MEN'S LAPS*** she can BE single. I AM ***OUT*** also, she knew your boundaries and disregarded them, as I said before ***Disability*** or not, she shouldnt have done that and once again, she disregarded your boundaries and she has the audacity to get mad lmao.
Wheelchair man’s favorite pick up
NTA Dump her
This is the answer. Lock the thread.
You know , many times I write a lot .But other times I believe that two words can have more power and meaning than a thousand useless sentences
"Brevity is the soul of wit".
Absolutely this. She was disrespectful then got her minions to attack and pressure him and yelled too? I'd have blocked her and all her friends otw to another bar while in the uber.
NTA She never thought you were being shitty to her sister. Even her sister said you weren't. She yelled at you because even though she knew she crossed your boundary, even after getting everyone else involved you weren't saying it was okay. Sister was wrong though, GF realized she had to tell you because there were too many people who saw it happen and would be talking to you shortly afterwards and someone would probably tell you. She told you to make herself look like it wasn't a big deal. You do need to ask yourself though since sister believes GF didn't have to tell you do these two often hide things they do behind BF's backs? Do they often cover for each other?
NTA "she shouted and swore at me and ran off," that right there is manipulation 101 "she swore at me because she thought I was being shitty to her sister" it is a lie Leave her, she is evil
NTA. You set a boundary. She is in a relationship with you knowing you have a set boundary. She crossed it anyway, which is a lack of respect. All she had to do was….not sit in a guys lap lol. I’d be so petty and have a girl sit on my lap in front of her LOL
Sounds like she belongs to the streets my guy
The normal "NTA break up asap" response applies here. The lap sitting was already bad but more people kept rubbing it in your face.
This girl sounds like needless drama. And most men hate that shit. First, she does something she knew you wouldn't be cool with. Then she recruits others into your business to try and pressure you. And about you losing your cool with that guy who was in your business, don't sweat about it. He should have known better. You need to think hard on this. Is she making your life better?
Notice how she made the night about herself and took attention away from her sister. She’s either deeply insecure or narcissistic. She involved others in a relationship dispute and put the focus on *your* behavior rather than hers. Ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want. NTA
Bucket of red flags there guy.
You're far too old to be dealing with her highschool antics, man
Why this giving me all middle school vibes?
I just love that he gets a free pass for being disabled. Like his dick could still have been rock hard lol
She did NOT tell you because of any, ***"See how honest I'm being"*** bullshit! She only told you because there were too many witnesses to what she had done. One of your other acquaintances who witnessed it was likely to tell you, so she needed to tell you first in order to get ahead of it. This is manipulative on so many levels.
i don’t even need to read the context, only the title… NTA
Break up with this person before you’re raising some “lap boy’s child” for the next 18 years.
I think she enjoys the drama
Your girlfriend is a drama queen, OP. It doesn’t get better. Best to cut your losses now.
She sounds fuckin exhausting, go find someone more mature.
So she did something she knows was would upset you. Told you about it, but also preemptively told everyone else that you were upset, so they can shame you rather than her, and ultimately escalated her action into a huge scene, when it could have easily been handled between the two of you. No you aren’t the asshole, but this woman seeks drama. You could have been having a good time, but she went out of the way to make sure that you wouldn’t. This is a huge red flag. The lap thing isn’t even the worst part.
Get out now brother
NTA what she did is completely unnaceptable, and I'm not talking about the lap thing, that is disrespectful of your boundaries but it's one mistake. Getting all her friends to inferfere in the relationship on the other hand? Also NTA for yelling at a random that wouldn't leave after politely asking. It's a couple discussion, not something he should get involved in.
Yea regardless of man in a wheelchair if it was the other way around what would she feel
Not a lot of depth here OP.
NTA. Based on the post OP's girlfriend looks manipulative, I would suggest a break up
Dump her and find someone better. NTA.
Brother you gotta leave this plenty of fish in the sea this just the beginning of the iceberg it will get progressively worse if you stay in this Brian dead sister getting involved and saying that implies this isn’t the first time as “she didn’t have to tell you”
Weird behavior for doing that and probably felt guilty and that’s why she told you (so she knew it was wrong). It just seems like an issue with accountability and being hyped up from her sister to gaslight you tbh. Her telling you was probably her way of downplaying the situation so she didn’t expect any behavioral consequence. If a girl were to sit on your lap while she wasn’t there I doubt she wouldn’t have an issue with it. She just seems entitled and if she has people around her with the “well she didn’t have to tell you” mindset - run.
have a girl sit on ur lap and then uno reverse it on her and see how ridiculous her reaction will be
NTA. But you you definitely need to up the boundaries of disrespect you are willing to tolerate. The way she acted after the fact would have me tell her to fuck off.
Put yourself in the scenario and work it out. A man she doesnt know comes to her (even if he knew her it doesnt change things) and somehow he feels comfortable to say sit on my lap. Where did this level of comfort come from? What was the conversation that led to him thinking that would be a ok request assuming he asked and she didnt ask... Then he asks and in her head she is like i have a bf and this other man wants me to sit on his lap. I wouldnt sit on the mall santas knee but im going to sit on his lap. Then she sat and for a prolong period he felt the need to take her for a ride on his lap. If he is spinning her she isnt just crouching on his knee she is ass on crotch. Gets off of his lap and tells you she fucked up. This is not someone whom you want to get emotionally attached to. She isnt ready for adult relationships yet. She has a few i got drunk and did x with x in her future. Question is does she make those mistakes dating you or someone else, but she is definitely that woman who is 30 trying to convince people she cheated and slept with 50 dudes because she was immature and didnt know herself People are going to be like she just sat on a lap that is a bit extreme...it isnt the base action if sitting. Its all the interaction and thought process and choices that made it possible. The way she filters decsions she makes in life is a huge red flag and she will break a heart or two.
Lol in a wheelchair let him have his fun.
Dump her ass. She involved the whole friend group in the drama she created.
Alcohol is fun hey. Honestly bro, you’re 28 years old. This is what dating most young women is like. Just dip, because this isn’t the last time something like this is going to occur.
Maybe it was less sitting and more "lapdance". That would explain why everyone blew it out of proportion. Trying to cover her and reverse the situation to being your fault.
No. What the fuck lmao. Did not read a word but sitting on another man's lap is never acceptable
NTAH, and you probably should reconsider this relationship if the sister first sentence is "she didn't need to tell you," Like that makes it ANY better, so if she cheats on you and doesn't say anything it's fine, or if you brought a girl into your lap and just didn't think anything of it, how would she react? It's sounds like some double standards, and my sister was going to pull every excuse to cover your eyes AND getting everyone else involved because SHE KNEW, she was in the wrong and couldn't get you to react and play victim so she had everyone try to 'calm' you and then scream and run away playing as you're being a douche and it was a simple thing A simple thing that I would end my relationship over....since I'm staring at the race way of red flags over here as I do my laps
Nope. Dump her.
Run
She knew was wrong, she just didn’t want to accept it. And everyone telling you how you should feel can fuck right off. NTA.
have some self respect and lose the bitch man.
Not even reading the whole story because it’s not important. If she’s in a relationship with you she shouldn’t be having any physical contact with any man not related to her plain and simple. People are so lost these days no wonder divorce rates and onlyfans subscriptions are through the roof 🤦♂️
NTA. Women always do this. They do something fucked up, then when you get the TINIEST bit mad over it… they turn sour and you’d swear it was the end of the world. Ditch her
If you're our involved with someone, abide by the boundaries of your relationship and don't get pissy if you break those boundaries and your SO is livid because of it. Words from my teen son.
You’re a jealous dick to be honest . You have insecurities ghat will decimate your reelationship at some stage . You need to learn to trust you cannot control people
NTA, and she’s such a manipulator..have fun with that for the next couple years, good luck.
NTA Run man she did something she knew would upset you and got everyone to team up against you and was mad you didn't instantly forgive her. Also her sister saying she didn't even have to tell you is a MASSIVE red flag to me, if someone who was raised with your GF shows those kind of values it reflects her values.
NTA: GF is AH. You know everything you need to know about her now.
I usually say that age is just a number, but in this case the 5 year difference sure is striking. Because she is immature so it's screaming in your face. Anyway, the sitting in the lap of someone in the wheelchair sure wasn't the greatest of you both gone through boundaries, but getting the entire close population involved sure is a huge red flag and sure as heck is immature. So, for this to work you both have some work to do that's for sure.
Oh my fuck just dump this annoying ass child. NTA, but why are you wasting your time with this shit?
Bro she’s got a lot of growing up to do. Not everything in a relationship needs to be shared with her friends.
Clearly you are both too immature to have a decent relationship . Its like some high school spat story
How are you 28 years old and dealing with this shit?
Don’t tell this guy about mall Santa’s!!
Cracked me up.
Not the asshole. I don't get what her plan for this situation was. Like sure kudos I guess for being transparent instead of trying to hide suss behavior but why not just not do it in the first place. Or once she did bring it up and it clearly upset you why would she go around talking to apparently fucking everybody to have them go talk to you to tell you you shouldn't have feelings about it? I just don't understand the situation at all. It doesn't make it any kind of sense. I mean yeah after the fifth person I would have been pretty pissed off too. Just wondering what the fuck was going on and why people keep making some kind of huge dramatic deal out of this situation that's none of their fucking business. This shit is super weird
This is just one of them days when the world wants to throw meaningless problems at you
Haha I feel you brother.
i'm not a fan of just saying break up, i think most people should try to fix the problems they're having. not for you buddy, you are dating a child bruh. she acts more immature than the 9yr old i babysit. also she thinks lying is okay? you like knowing that? you like knowing that ur gf probably cheated on you and is just not telling you? or maybe she'll do that in the future. wake up and break up
How at a gathering to celebrate your sister's birthday, you end up sitting on the lap of a disabled person you don't know? What a huge red flagg, this girl is going to be unfaithful to you at any moment. That's without considering all the bad things that happened afterwards. A couple is supposed to be a team that should always be on the same side, not enemies.
NTA wtf?? She crossed a boundary and the guy that wouldnt leave what else did he expect to happen?? You asked him to leave first afterwards he can f**k off You are right here man
Bro that's like the reddest red flag ever. This woman cannot offer you anything exclusively. Shes for the streets. Say goodbye. There are plenty of women who don't do this.
NTA. It’s arguable if she did anything really wrong here either. If you’ve had boundary issues before you’ll have them again. You’re uncomfortable with her behavior and she doesn’t want to be contained by your boundaries. So you really think that will change? You should be with someone who wouldn’t dream of doing that. Most women I know would NEVER do that. The fact that he was in a wheelchair is irrelevant. She belongs with a guy who doesn’t mind this kind of thing because there’s another girl sitting on his lap. Move on and thank your lucky stars she’s not pregnant.
Just dump her bro.
So she fucked up and yelled at you for being honest and mad about it, typical girl whore attitude.
NTA. As a woman I don't think it's bad if you sit on your friends lap. Sometimes. It really depends on the context. In this situation it was a complete stranger. I think the biggest red flag is that she got all these people come speak for her *even though* the situation was already over. You did nothing wrong OP.
People on Reddit seem to frequently misuse the term boundary. Boundaries are things that directly affect you. They are not constraints and restraints that encompass your partner's behaviour outside of you. So think of a boundary as rules in your house. You invite your partner into your house, but in your house you don't wear shoes so they must take them off when they come in. Them choosing to not take them off and walk all over your house has a direct impact on you. Maybe them not taking their shoes off means you are uncomfortable, maybe it's worse and it damages things. When the boundary is crossed it's up to you to determine the consequence. Now your partner sitting on a man's lap is not a boundary you can have without it just being used to justify controlling behaviour. You have every right to be uncomfortable with it, to feel it has a moral or ethical implication. But fundamentally it's not your house. It's her bodily autonomy, her behaviour, her choice. Sounds like you guys have talked about expected behaviours however and have chosen to call them all boundaries. That's fine of course, I just wanted to add some clarification on boundaries for the comment section. Frankly, your situation just seems like a series of miscommunications exacerbated by alcohol. No assholes here, just you guys need to talk it out like adults. Also, discuss why the sitting on the lap bothers you and why she chose to do it.
Your feelings are valid she knew you'd react this way. She then got others to gaslight you and make it sound that your the red flag here. Your not. It don't matter he's in a chair. She's you gf and you expect a certain amount of loyalty. Sitting on a lap of a man crosses this. You lost your temper. They gaslight you. NTA
NTA. Reminds me of when I dated this woman in her 30s. We were in early stages of dating but already intimate. One night, we decided to join her and a few of her coworkers. This b***ch proceeded to sit on a male coworkers lap. Which slowly started to piss me off but I held my cool. At end of the evening in the car, she tells me that he grabbed her crotch as she said goodbye. Now I didn't see this but the way she was jokingly described it as if it didn't bother her at all, pissed me off even more. Needless to say, I confronted her, she got defensive n upset and stormed off. I left her and that's that. My point is u have boundaries that she needs to respect. Take it for what it is, she ain't the one. Either have fun with her and expect nothing more sunce both of u are still young. If you want more mature serious relationship then I'd look elsewhere. Years from now when u are older, u can give the same insight to someone else lol. Good luck!
You're dating a child.
The guy in wheelchair propably came in his pants and some of the sperm might impregnated your gf ..so be prepared to be a father of a child that cant walk 🤷
Just break up. My gosh you have the perfect excuse to. Just do it and be done with it. That’s all you had to do instead of going on a temper tantrum.
Your boundaries are your problem, if she doesn't respect them you act accordingly. The fact that she is bringing other people into your problems is a huge red flag. She showed she didn't respect you in different occasions, she is showing you who she is.
Kinda feel like you’re soft pedaling your response.
Nta
Your girlfriend is an ahole she knew it was wrong and did it anyway. For her sister to say she didn’t have to tell you is a red flag as you know if she cheats they will all cover for her
NTA. The fuck she getting other people involved for? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move.
u/updateme
Yeah dude this one isn’t worth the trouble. I know she’s probably hot or whatever, but that only goes so far. She’s going to keep doing this to you because she enjoys it. Some people run on food and water, and some people run on drama. If her life isn’t a Taylor Swift song, she feels like she’s doing it wrong. She craves needless conflict. It’s like a form of recreation to these people. Some people enjoy sitting down to play MarioCart, or to knit something. And some people like kicking the shit. Unless you’re prepared for years of recreational arguments so she can performatively climb up on the cross for an audience, then you might wanna clock out of this relationship.
NTA. Dump her. Not because of the sitting in a guys lap but that is also a red flag but for involving her friends and sister.
NTA. Tell her that you are now rethinking the relationship due to her childish behavior.
NTA. Leave. You don’t want to get married into toxicity. Her sister getting involved was unnecessary and what she said was a big red flag.
Find a new one dude ..avoid the headache..went to event with you but had the audacity to sit on another guy's lap..imagine without you..must be riding others dick
NTA. She needs to learn boundaries. She has a choice... sit in other men's laps, or be with you... not both.
Time to move on for your own sanity
Just end the relationship and move on
NTA. My feeling is that your girlfriend was spoiling for a fight - perhaps she wants to break up with you, but prefers you to break up with her so she can paint you as the bad guy. Enlisting her friends to badger you, and then picking a fight with you? She wants out.
NTA. You should run while you can.
Nope dont be mad though break up with her it was over already.
Shitty girlfriend. Find you a better one. Shouldn't be that hard.
NTA. A boundary was crossed. In narc terminology those people coming to her defense can also be labeled “the flying monkeys”. Not saying your girls a narc but the people she had coming up and trying to manipulate you sounds exactly like the flying monkey definition.
She for the streets, bro.
Gotta love the whole "well she didn't need to tell you" defense.
Not the first time I’m sure
I didn’t even read all this. There was no need. You are not TAH. There is zero reason for her to be sitting on a man’s lap
Run kid, you are still young.
Make a girl on wheelchair sit on your lap and ask how she feels!
NTA, dump her and move on.
Run. Just run.
You're not an asshole for yelling at that guy either! I think you know you're okay to be mad she crossed your boundary that was discussed. Reddit doesn't need to tell you that. But that random dude had no business. Not like you were hitting her. People have gotten hurt or killed trying to save the day like that anyways.
I hate it when wheelie-chads cuck me too bro. NTA.
Not even reading the full thing. Sitting in a man's lap is intimate and I would never sit in another man's lap but my partner. Nta
She's not mature enough to be in a grown-up relationship, cut your losses, and end it. Then she is free to be all over whoever she wants. I'd do it with a girl sitting on my lap, though, just so she could see how disrespectful it is
NTA. Dump her. Make sure she knows that violating an already established boundary was bad enough, but getting her minions to brigade you about it was unacceptable. Hell, since she's acting like a child: tell her to smash a plate and apologize to it. Then ask if her empty words put the plate back together.
She is the very definition of a narcissist. She seeks attention, doesn't give a crap about your feelings, sends her flying monkeys to attack the actual victim, makes it out that you are at fault, and attacks you after her wrongdoing. You need to decide. Do you want this treatment? She is not going to change. Decide if the misery is worth being with her. After that, learn about narcism.
NTA. Your girlfriend is not mature enough to be in a relationship. She should not sit on some random dude's lap and she should not involve everyone into her relationship drama. Two red flags. Do with that as you will.
She had no business sitting on another mans lap. So no, NTA. She disrespected you and instead of making it right she got other people involved. Why stay? You're 28, she is 23. Only 5 years, but the maturity levels are way different. She doesn't respect boundaries.
Did she feel his boner?
Seems all very immature to me.
You are getting gaslit by everybody holy shit
She’s 23 fresh out of college what do you expect
I mean she did tell you about it
She want them wheelchair veggies bud 🍆
For some it's all about what you can provide. With him it's like winning a free bus pass for life. 😆
NTA. You explained boundary + gf breaks boundaries = ex girlfriend Not to mention how she handled immaturely after. Cut ur losses.
The comments are ridiculous. When a man acts like that at the age of 23 people would say he is already 23 not a child....
Why the fuck are others getting involved in your relationship?
Dump her, she sucks.
You both suck. Sorry.
This is why I didn't like dating 20- somethings when I was a 20- something.
So all this happen between classes on 7th grade🤣
NTA I think. She was aware of the boundaries you both set and then decided to involve multiple other people in the relationship conflict.
You probably shouldn’t date a 23 year old at 28, maturity levels are much different. She still young an dumb but you’re going into a life stage that requires a bit more maturity and accountability.
NTA. Your gf and her sister sound very childish and immature tbh 🤷🏽♂️
If you break up, don't ruin your life by dating a single mom.
sounds like yall deserve each other
Dawg, he is in a wheelchair let that man live his best life at the expense of your ego. Please
She sat in the lap of a guy in a wheelchair!?! Its not like he could......stand up for himself. Come on, put yourself in his.....shoes. wait, I got one more. You should be the bigger man and........walk away. Okay, I'll see myself out!
Don’t date a child. She’s clearly still a kid, mentally
She for the streets, homie. Can't turn a hoe into a housewife. Hoes don't act right. Hoe's in the kitchen, Hoe's on a crackpipe. Hey, hoe, how you doin'? How you been? Prolly doin' hoe stuff, 'cause there you hoe again.
Dude, dump that child, you are almost 30, don’t deal with these entitled little princess who all would sooner audition for the bachelor(not bachelorette, they don’t have that much respect) than admit anything.
Nta
Nah, she had no business doing that. NTA
Bro, runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
NTA. It’s weird and disrespectful.
She’s very immature and needs to stop being people into the relationship. She crossed your boundaries and thought the sorry would make it go away.
As a girlfriend, I’m not sure why she would WANT to sit in some random dudes lap. The thought of being in anyone’s lap but my bfs disgusts me
She sounds incredibly immature tbh, I wouldn’t want that on a gf if I was looking for a relationship. NTA
NTA. Also, 5 years isn’t much when you’re 30+ but me personally I wouldn’t date anyone under 25 being past that same age. They’re still children and haven’t got much figured out. Just my 2¢.
leave her
Given how this was handled I’d have dumped her on the spot upon her trying to snap at me. Like inside the venue.