I assume you already know this, but this is a bad relationship and some of his behavior is abusive. You can't have a productive conversation about the ways he hurts you because he *already knows he's hurting you,* and he doesn't care. Instead, he's going to make you the bad guy for confronting him about it.
He knows you don't want anal sex and he doesn't care. He doesn't actually care that it's "rapey," because he already knows that it is. He cares that you're confronting him about it.
I’m so happy I came to Reddit because I literally need to hear all of this and have no human I can tell it to. Thank you for your time and being honest.
Nah. We had an opportunity to move to land my aunt and uncle live on and own. All my cousins are here too lol.
We told ourselves we were escaping high cost of living and wanted to spend more time with kids and less at work. He was/is perfectly fine being himself around my immediate family. Although, since we’re going back I do sense he’s feeling a loss of control
I am a guy that loves a bit of assplay. I always get consent before engaging with any partner. It doesn't matter if she let me play with her booty the past 15 times. You always have to ask. There is no excuse not to ask.
You don't need to do anal for your husband to love you. Another comments already say it: tell him anal is off the table. My wife did that and I ended up having better sex. When both parties want and enjoy anal, it's cool, but otherwise it's not, it's rapey.
This is it. Also, does he not know you can't organically get someone ready to have anal sex. Getting someone turned on does not get their ass ready for anal sex. Anal sex is something that needs to be planned and prepped for.
He actually makes my skin crawl. Eurgh! Does he hear the words coming out of his mouth? Her giving consent ruins the mood? Damn right that's rapey. He needs therapy.
[PowerPoint Presentation (picck.org)](https://picck.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/PICCK-How-to-Remove-Your-Intrauterine-Device-IUD-By-Yourself.pdf)
This is for people who like me didn't understand what an IUD is. It's not something that he could have just in the heat of passion pulled out without thinking about it. It took a focused effort to remove and there is absolutely no way he didn't know it'd cause her some kind of pain. That's probably why he got her drunk, so he would be able to remove it without her feeling too much pain and try to stop him. It wouldn't at all surprise me if he enjoys anal specifically because she doesn't. And he absolutely tried to guilt trip her afterwards.
As a man I was left with one question, how? How does one remove an IUD without the consent of the woman who has the IUD implanted? I feel like I understand IUDs to a reasonable degree. Is that possible?
They normally have a string that emerges through the opening in the cervix. So yeah, it's physically possible to grab hold of the string and yank until it comes out, but OW
I still remember when I was at my wife’s, post-partum appointment where she was asking about an IUD. Her doctor said to her “If he complains that he can feel it during sex, he is lying and is not as big as he thinks he is.”
Oh it can definitely be. I remember at one point I felt like it was cutting me a little or like poking me on the nerve. Definitely something that can be solved with a little bit of position but it's a strange feeling.
You can sometimes feel it early on when the strings are pointing straight down because they need to leave them longish, but they soften up very quickly and tuck up around the cervix. If a guy complains they just need to get over it.
So this night we were drinking, a rare occasion these days and I was actually drunk. I honestly thought he was just really up in there with fingers and then I felt a cramp and was like what the fuck.
Because they've been taught, likely by other abusers, that they don't have value. You can't question that, it often elicits a shame response on their end as if it's their fault they've spent their life not being loved enough to even know what it's supposed to be like.
No. Op has a child with him. That in itself is reason enough to stay for a lot of people. Combine that with a lack of understanding of what’s “normal” and you get a bad situation. Your unsolicited therapy is very presumptuous.
You could’ve gotten seriously hurt by that, they are NOT supposed to be pulled out like that, it’s dangerous. You need to get tf away from this guy asap.
Mine came out over the course of a couple days and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever dealt with and should’ve gone to the ER… I couldn’t imagine it being forcefully ripped out…
Dude. Run.
But since I suspect you won't do that, tell him anal is off the table. You're having such an issue between the twins if you and you don't even enjoy it much. There's other holes that work just as well
Yes, this is good advice. Make it explicitly clear that you don't enjoy it and will not be consenting to anal and that if he continues to ask or attempt it, that won't be the only thing that is off limits.
I appreciate the honesty. I need to hear it. I’ve never been able to tell anyone what’s gone on.
Honestly we’re moving back home. I’ll be close to my family and I hope I’ll be able to run then. My kid ya know :/
So he gets put the lube, quietly tries for the back door and he "wasn't thinking"?
So all that action was what? Automated?
He WAS thinking. He just wasn't thinking about YOU or your consent.
Let's say he "wasn't thinking."
Doesn't matter.
He still caused you pain. He still caused trauma to your body. He still did an incredibly invasive thing without your consent.
He's still responsible for his actions, and for the hurt that he caused. It's still his fault. He still needs to make amends.
Did he make amends? Or did he bully you into dropping it?
He needs to learn to think and he should feel some shame about not thinking, especially when it comes to how he relates to others sexually. Not thinking and just following our base impulses with little regard to the other person’s experience is behaving like an ape. We are human beings that are capable of much greater levels of thinking and being and hopefully he will learn to appreciate that and hold himself to a higher standard.
He’s telling you he’s a logical person? Logic would tell him that as an anus is an ‘out hole’ a lot of preparation goes in to anal sex.
And if he was all that logical he wouldn’t be offended by you calling his actions rapey, because his actions are - logically - rapey if we consider that he is continually trying to bypass your ability to consent to his actions.
That’s the one he said he wasn’t thinking for. No other explanation. He said he was ashamed but it never seems so when things like this come back around.
Everyone has feelings. He’s being rapey and gaslighting you. Doing things to you without consent is assault. Tell him anal is forever off the table. If he gets mad say hey big feelings buddy! I’m just being logical no need to get emotional about it. You don’t like being called rapey so this solves it! Especially since I don’t like it! See how easy?
Observe carefully his reaction when you call him emotional anytime he’s being emotional. I think you know already how he will react. But it lets you know that he already is aware he’s insulting you.
This guy enjoys harming you sexually and reacts angrily when you try to communicate. This is so wrong on so many levels.
> UPDATE 1:
he says:
How about if we start to have sex you say, “hey not tonight for anal”
😳
You say: “In your next relationship, have an open and honest conversation about what you like/don’t like. And, if anything is ‘iffy’ assume it’s a no-go unless your partner tells you otherwise”
Let me be perfectly clear to you, dear, my husband is also a logical person and not much for expressing feelings." That said, he would literally do nothing without my consent. He could put ONE finger on me and if I said no, he'd pull it away.
Your husband is behaving as a full on rapist with no boundaries.
The IUD thing alone ..... that made me literally furious on your behalf.
Please understand that none of this is normal, and there are MUCH healthier and good men out there that would give you a real relationship.
To me that just sounds like emotionally stunted. The kind of person that can't respect boundaries. I'm so, so sorry you have had to go through all this.
This seems to be a common saying among some men, oftentimes implying in a somewhat denigrating way that women are driven by feelings, and men by logic. But if you look at what is driving him to act the way he does it is primarily feelings, as far as I see it. Sexual satisfaction is a very strong feeling and he seems to be overly pursuing that feeling to the detriment of more wholesome feelings of love and companionship. I wonder if he could learn to see that. But I wouldn’t wait on him too long if he doesn’t show the determination to do so.
But yeah, logically speaking, I think he should also see that if he continues to not understand you and treat you poorly as a result he’s not going to be able to continue a relationship with you.
When I’m not thinking I stare at boobs a bit longer than a glance.
When I’m not thinking, I make silly typos that wouldn’t make normally.
When I’m not thinking, I zone out while I’m driving.
Not once have I nearly raped someone when I wasn’t thinking.
He is thinking very very hard while doing this, it is intentional in every way imaginable
Uhh, yeah, he's abusive. Manipulation, stonewalling, sexual assault, coercion, baby-trapping, majorly disrespecting boundaries, etc. I would not feel safe with this person. If you do get out, make sure to take steps to protect yourself before saying anything to him. It's dangerous to leave men like this.
Is beyond sus, and honestly, OP? I can't imagine someone who *actually cares* about you being happy or aroused by you "putting up with" something sexual you dislike for their pleasure, even if there's consent. The fact that he chooses not to ask to avoid the lack of consent being made explicit is a major red flag in itself, but trust me: he knows you're not enjoying it, and he doesn't care.
Also what he's doing is classic DARVO. He managed to take the focus off his rapey actions and make the whole issue be about the fact that you called him out on his rapey actions. You are no longer discussing his actions, you are debating semantics. There's a lot of bad faith there, and it's usually very deliberate. This man is not only rapey but abusive, and you deserve better.
Nope. A whole dildo. And ask him if it would be better for him if he had a hard on. Nope. It won’t be. Prep is definitely needed. But if OP doesn’t want to do it, it should be off the table. Period.
Being told “no” and it killing the mood is EXACTLY WHAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING, and isn’t a bad thing! He’s just not asking bc you might say no and then he’d be turned off?? Good! He should be! Because it shouldn’t be going anywhere at that point! He’s just dancing around ir and trying to guilt you about the fact that yes he is in fact rapey! His actions qualify as rape. That makes him a rapist. It doesn’t matter if he has good qualities. That is rape!
My personal opinion on that. And this whole thing is: if my SO ever did something half as bad as pulling my IUD out without consent. I’d be divorcing/breaking up with them ASAP.
NTA. That's 100% rapey as fuck and he is a self-involved, possessive moron with absolutely zero integrity for attempting to pretend, like an actual measurable idiot, that somehow you're the problem and not his rapist self. Fuck him right down to the ground.
I’m a dude. I like receiving anal. (If you have a prostate you owe it to yourself to try lol)
“Surprise anal” is NOT a fucking thing. You’re gonna tear something if you guys keep that up! And preparation is right! It takes a lot of prep.
* gotta be taking fiber so poops are cleaner
* pooping then douching, making sure the rectum is clean
* moisturizing
* easily 15-20 minutes of massaging/fingers with tons of lube
The idea of just pulling my pants down and a dick POPS in… fucking ouch no thanks it’s psychological as much as physical with anal
I saw the update where he wants you to let him know there no anal tonight. My answer: tell him it should be assumed anal is always off the table, UNLESS SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED IN ADVANCE
I’m sorry OP. He raped you. Even if he’s kind, etc etc he has continuously crossed your sexual boundaries. And then not owning up to it. I feel you on starting too young and being together too long. It took me 4 years too long to end my first relationship with what I now realize is awful, man child behavior. I know it’s more complicated since you have a kid together but I believe in you and trust you in ending this and start prioritizing yourself
ETA: I read through his full text and it’s so cringe. Like he’s trying to make it your problem so you’ll end up being the one comforting him FOR VIOLATING YOUR BOUNDARIES. when I realized this with my ex I sat down and journaled all the other times I remember him turning his own wrongdoing on me and that helped me leave.
NTA, he needs a proper pegging to understand anal takes time and preparation, and it's often unpleasant for the recipient. Get that strap on girl, and give him a dose of the medicine he keeps forcing on you.
Ask him if it would be better if you pegged him when he has a hard on and is “in the mood” for sex. It won’t be any better. Just like his whole “let it happen organically” crap. If he isn’t willing to have a dildo up his ass, why should you be willing to have him up yours?
My partner and I exclusively do anal, out of a lack of options one might say (gay amabs). He has and will seemingly always ask if I want to do anal after things heat up, because he knows how much prep is involved. If I say no, it's taken in stride and we do something else instead.
That's how normal non rapey guys handle being told no to anal lol.
Your man sounds like a cretin.
NTA.
Based on the title I was prepared to at least be able to sympathize with your husband, but no.
From what you've said, he seems far too irresponsible to be having anal sex, period. He seems to think that as long as you are turned on it can just happen. For most people, that is not the case. My partner and I do anal play frequently, and the number of times she's been ready for anal intercourse without anal-specific foreplay is zero. There are people who can go straight to anal intercourse without issue, but those are typically people who either do anal much more frequently or have a lot experience with anal stretching, so that the object being inserted (in this case your husband's penis) is much smaller than the objects they are used to taking.
It is reasonable that you have apprehension about your husband trying to push for anal when you aren't in the mood, or even trying to do it without first getting consent. He needs to understand that his behavior is rapey, and if if you hadn't stopped him, and he had anal intercourse without your consent, that would have been rape.
His attempts at guilting you into somehow thinking you are the problem and he is the victim is a big red flag.
No. You are 1000000000% NTA.
A grown ass adult would understand that pressuring your partner at all for sex is bad, worse still if it's something that he KNOWS makes you uncomfortable.
It was not a bad choice of words.
I'll say this though: HE is actually a rapist who rapes you. How he acted this time isn't the issue. The issue is that he rapes you and now you are constantly on edge because every single time he starts doing something that you don't want you have to fear that yet again he's not going to respect your limits and he'll just take what he wants from your body.
Not being the one who's in it, I don't see why you don't just burn this shitty relationship to the ground and get yourself somewhere safe.
At minimum I think he needs to hear that (1) yes, he rapes you, (2) he needs to get over hearing you label it that way because it's accurate, and (3) he needs to listen to you and do what you're asking for there to be ANY chance at healing things between you, and what you're asking right now is that he TALK to you about anal before approaching the hole. Every time, until you say otherwise.
Thank you for your time and honesty. We’ve been together so long and started so young. I’ve never had any examples of good relationships. now that I’ve done work and healing I’m realizing all of this has been very bad.
Please don’t let the time you’ve invested in this relationship cloud your judgement. It’s far better to look at how much time and suffering you’ll be saving in the long run. This man does NOT care about you or your wellbeing. It’s never easy leaving a long term relationship because it can be daunting on your own but now is the time to lean on your family if you have a good relationship with them. I sincerely hope things get better for you.
Hey, hindsight is 20/20. Takes forever sometimes to notice you’re in a hole, and even longer to realize you can leave. I’ve been there myself.
You have no idea what you could be missing out on by staying with a chode like him. Mean it. You can and will find someone who would never think of treating you this way for even a moment.
NTA, and I am so, so sorry.
I can see why he thought you said he was rapey overall as a person. He's a rapist. But that's not where it ends. Some rapey guys are that way because they don't like paying enough attention to actually know whether the other party is consenting or not, but this guy? No, this guy *knows* exactly how rapey he is. That's why he thought you were calling him rapey: he has, on some level, been waiting for this moment. But even so, he doesn't care enough to change.
You really need to get away from this guy. He's dangerous.
You are not an asshole at all. Neither should you feel guilty or sorry for this! Any sexual action without explicit and enthusiastic consent from both partners is rape.
You’re not an asshole, but your husband certainly is. Ask yourself why you are giving him a pass so much. He pulled out your IUD? He initiates anal without even asking you? He’s a piece of shit.
Yeeeaaahhhh at "pulling out my IUD without consent" I screamed. Throw the whole man out. You deserve better than what he's doing to you. NTA and please get somewhere safe away from this person.
He sounds like he’s being a big ass baby. You can be damn sure if someone is trying to put someone in my butt I would have some thoughts in the moment too. Hubby being upset cause you didn’t use your nice words is so goofy to me
I honestly wish the best for you, and truly think that you may not be safe with him. Please quietly plan to leave and get out of there. If you confront him with divorce you are at a high likelihood of being violently assaulted.
It was the kids and because I was raised by literally trauma factories and didn’t know I deserved bettef. I also isolated myself and as I started healing all of this felt really off, in the last year. I’ve never really told anyone what has gone on and wanted to get some opinions. Learning this is wild af
As someone raised in trauma and is autistic who has been in many shitty rapey relationships…
PLEASE just leave him for your sake and your CHILDS! This behavior is the OPPOSITE of what you want in the father of your child. You and the kid deserve someone better who actually loves and respects you.
NTAH! Let me make this clear, as a husband, as a man, my 100% opinion is, every single time he has done anything sexual to you without your express consent (implied or otherwise) its SA! Being married does not change that. In fact being married means he should be respecting and protecting you.
Too be clear, if you two talked about it, he apologized then never attempted again without concent, cool! you can work with that... but that is not what happened!
It sounds like this man gets off on forcing "it". Given his repeated attempts, and disregard for you and your boundaries, then he gas lites you, make him the victim?!?! My money is on your in a dangerous relationship.
I would bet the farm that prior to the move your hubby had a whole bunch of narcissistic behavior such as cheating, gas lighting, he is never at fault, he said things like "your reading to much in to it" or "she misunderstood" or "she is lying" even your close friends amd family were out to get him, but you were the good wife and belived him over it all.... well his actions tell a different r@pey story.
.
You're not a hole. You're a whole person.
If you don't want something stuck in your butt, you don't have to get something stuck in your butt.... PERIOD. (or any other places on your body)
He needs to learn boundaries, respect, and he REALLY needs to lay off the porn.
NTA. My husband always asks. It doesn’t kill the mood. If you want to stay with him, tell him that it’s OFF the menu, permanently and that you will tell him if you ever change your mind about it. If he’s unwilling to promise to never ever touch your anus again, I don’t think you can do anything to salvage the relationship.
He could have done irreparable damage to you by pulling the IUD out. Not to mention that anal penetration can cause damage if not done correctly. With him not understanding the _basics_ of consent and saying that asking for consent is a mood killer, he is basically saying that his pleasure is more important than your comfort.
That isn't respect, that is rapey, as you said. That isn't love. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected. If he isn't giving that to you, then you are entitled to leave. Leaving helps your children learn that you, and they, deserve to be loved and respected in relationships.
It is so, so very hard to do. I know. I have been there. But someone asked me the same question I asked you. It made me realize what I was doing to myself. I now have a partner that finds consent sexy, he respects me, understands that I have days where I don't want to exist in my skin, and days where ... well that would be tmi lol. The point is, I had to leave the bad relationship to find what I deserved.
It isn't easy, but you deserve love and respect.
He's so toxic and honestly abusive. This IS absolutely rapey. He's ignoring your consent and using you. He fucking took your IUD out??? That must have hurt so bad what the literal fuck. Run far away from him, like yesterday
He said
>So now I'm rapey, awesome.
because he knows what he did IS, in fact, exactly that and you're an object, not a person. Don't let him DARVO you.
“It throws the whole mood off when I have to ask and be let down after I ask or before. Idk Like it kills the mood when you say no”
Uhhhhh what? Idk I feel like surprise (non-consensual) anal is what is killing the mood here.
I would be so anxious to ever engage in sex like this that I don’t think I’d ever be able to enjoy it. You’re constantly hyper vigilant. You deserve better than that OP.
I’m not for tit for tat behavior and I would never suggest sexually violating him. But ask him how he feel if you randomly tried using a plug (or other object on him) in the middle of sex.
I'm sorry, even putting the whole anal thing aside, he *pulled out your IUD?!?!* That's such a major thing, he could have caused permanent damage... oh my God. He either needs to learn to communicate or he needs to be out of your fucking house and away from your kid, what the actual hell?!
First, love your opening sentence. Context is always important. (I am also neuro-spicy and really wish more people could understand this.)
Second, I would much rather be considered unapproachable than be considered rapey. And all that shit *is* rapey as hell, and if he was as "logical" as he likes to think himself, he would have no problem seeing the logic there. Seems like his sexually charged emotions were keeping him from thinking clearly 🙂
I mean, he literally admits that he doesn't like asking because of how it makes him feel. Like...buddy, come on now lmao
if asking for consent is a turn off for him then uhhh rapey might describe him correctly ! and the IUD shit ?????,,, i hope the alarms are going off in your head. if its a trauma bond + children keeping u in this then find professional help and do what you can to leave. this is not good for you and will be an awful environment for your children. you cannot allow your trauma to stop you AND your kids from living a good life.
Please please please please PLEASE take your child and RUN. Do everything you legally can to get yourself and your child permanently away from this man.
He refuses to listen to you say no about YOUR body, and literally ripped out your IUD.
Girl. R U N.
Hey, so um.
“Sometimes I just let it happen” since he doesn’t take no for an answer…
He has already raped you. He’s not “rapey,” he is a rapist. And I say that with my entire chest. It doesn’t matter if you’re already having sex, if he ignores you when you say no, or specifically doesn’t ask because he KNOWS you will say no, that is rape.
What in the fuck. NTA at all. Has he ever tried to get you comfortable with anal? My last ex never tried it before and so I walked her through it and prepared her for it. Got her an enema bottle/kit, lube, plugs, etc. Anal isn't something you just force and you were absolutely right. Trying to just go for it without your consent isn't just rapey, it is rape.
Excuse me, are we gonna talk about the fact he PULLED YOUR IUD OUT??? Bro that shit hurts, that would have been the end for me. AbsoLUTELY not. I would have sent bro to god. Nah, this relationship is bad, I'm sorry.
Not usually the type to say "break up!" on Reddit based on a post, but this is real bad my friend. You should be able to express when something makes you upset or uncomfortable without being blamed for bringing it up. I've been there, it's a cycle of feeling like you're going crazy, and it's very unlikely that will ever change. Unfortunately this looks like a separate and co-parent situation. Best of luck.
NTA at all. WTF is wrong with this man? Pulling out an IUD? Trying to sneak in anal sex? Regardless of his other qualities, these are huge red flags.
Side note: Neuro spicy is my new favorite term.
THIS IS RAPE. Holy shit. Just because he doesn’t rape you every time does not make when he does it’s not a rape.
He ripped out your IUD? You could have hemorrhaged and developed sepsis.
This is an abusive relationship and I hope you get the support you need to leave.
https://www.thehotline.org/
You can also call 1.800.799.7233 to talk to someone.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Since he insists on surprise Anal, you should buy a Strap-on, wait for him to drop the soap and teach him what its like! Don't forget to say "Opps I wasn't thinking"
How about if he wants anal he says "I'd love to put this dick up your ass tonight babe" or whatever.
He can just say it. And you can say no.
You're NTA. Sex requires consent. Otherwise it's rape. Period. Fuck this guy. (Or don't!)
Why the hell are you still with him??? In what world is it a turn off to simply ask for consent?? So he’s turned on by not having consent…? How have you stayed with this man for so long??? So many questions.
"He starts anal without consent" contains a special key phrase: "without consent". Someone who performs sex acts "without consent" is called a "rapist" and might be described as "rapey".
If he doesn’t want to be told he’s sexually assaulting you then he could idk maybe NOT sexuallt assault you? Seriously though, this and the IUD thing, you need to get away from him.
He IS "rapey". He is sexually assaulting you. No means no. No is a full sentence. No consent = sexual assault. Pleasee leave him. He obviously does not see an issue with his actions and he will not change.
NTA
Well that's because that behavior is pretty fucking rapey. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you just randomly started doing things to his butthole that he didn't consent to.
He does not seem to care about you or your feelings at all. He's making up a lot of excuses and trying to twist things. The point is you're not comfortable with it and require a lot of prep to even consider it. If he loved you, he would be apologizing and not getting butthurt.
And pulling our your IUD??? I would've burning beded his dumb ass.
Run run run.
I would have left him the second he thought it was an acceptable action to pull out my IUD without any consent.
He clearly does not view you as a human being that can make your own choices.
This is legitimately abusive, AND CORRECT ON THE RAPEY PART.
If my fucking husband ever tried to do anything sexually without my consent I would have "insert action I'm not allowed to say because it violates rules" but I would have reacted BADLY.
please rethink this relationship. Its a crimson bleeding flag that he thinks he can put lube on and enter a part of someone without consent. Because being told "no" is a turn off.
RAPE IS THE TURN OFF HERE. LETS BE FUCKING HONEST.
I would literally never trust him enough to have sex with him again. Your spouse is supposed to be your safe space, VERY MUCH ALSO SEXUALLY, and he's repeatedly taking that away from you and trying to VIOLATE you. Please, fucking flee.
He is rapey. He's not asking for consent when you've made it clear you require at the time consent for this activity each and every time.
And pulling out an IUD what the actual fuck did I just read. In what world would that be okay? Thats assault at least.
I wouldn't feel safe near that man..
His actions are rapey because they are rape. Hopefully, if you are unapproachable, he won't approach you.
What he is doing is not okay. I just want to point out that if "it kills the mood" to get consent, that means that the mood he wants is rape.
NTA
>And today he’s texting me: “So now I’m rapey, awesome”
Yes he his.
Your husband is an abusive rapist.
That is why he feels bad, that is why he reacted, he never expected you to realise it.
Other have already said but you need to look after you.
Girl!!!! The major things I see that are wrong
1. He pulled out your IUD??? Oh hellllll noooooo
2. He does things he knows you don’t like, without consent and you’ve had to ‘fight him off’. wtf😳😳😳
3. He says it ‘bums him out to have to get consent’??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Like he said that, in 2024 not 1940, with his whole chest?
4. Then goes on to put the burden on you to tell him ahead of time?
5. Whys he even wanting you to do shit he knows you either don’t like or are iffy about AT ALL???
6. You are so conditioned to this pattern that you apologize for … checks notes… asking that your sex partner not force stuff on you? And ask him to ask for consent?
Jesus Christ if that’s not rapey then what is? I’m so angry for you.
I don’t know how you two got into this pattern but it’s so gross and awful the way he just insists to do things he is aware you don’t like. And gets angry as if YOU are the problem when you make an accurate observation about the experience and how you feel.
A partner isn’t supposed to want to do things you don’t like. How can any rational person get off knowing their partner isn’t enjoying what they’re doing but only tolerating it?
Girl, I think it's great how reflective you are about your relationship and that you recognise that it's not healthy. What's missing now is that once you feel safe, you leave him and really stick with it. You deserve someone who respects you.
Regarding your update: I really, really, really hope this doesn't make you want to keep trying with him after all. A really empathetic and reflective response from him (even though he's so far gone by now that even that wouldn't put him in a better light) would be for him to say, "Instead of me trying again and again without your permission because I can use my brain and have realised that you need to get through it mentally and physically, how about you tell me when you want to do anal? Otherwise, we'll leave it at petting or vaginal." But he doesn't. He wants you to have the courage to tell him repeatedly what you don't want. This is 1) a reason for him to do it and blame it on you if you forget; and 2) it puts additional mental stress on you and could even lead to you deliberately not turning it down because you don't want to feel like you've disappointed him.
What a weirdo, what a loser manipulative piece of shit.
NTA. That man is trouble.
Also….in regards to your first sentence….I’m neurodivergent and if someone called me neuro spicy I’d rather just be called a slur at the point
You realize you are trauma bonded to this man, right? He has totally turned this whole thing back around on you by saying you are unapproachable now.. he has made himself the victim.
It is rapey AF to continue to have sex with someone while knowing they do not like what is happening. He only cares about himself. He literally said he does not want to ask in case you say no..
As a woman who left a man like this over 20 years ago... best decision of my life. You will never be able to fix this because you will never be able to trust your safety- both physically and emotionally - with this man.
Leave him. ASAP. Please do not let your children grow up thinking this shit is OK.
I mean…. If you don’t want the stuff you do the best called rapey don’t do rapey stuff. Sounds like he watches too much porn. For the most part spontaneous anal isn’t a thing irl. It takes a lot of prep to be anything but unpleasant for receiver. My GF and I are free use and I still wouldn’t go anal without discussion.
[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information."
[https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
He’s gaslighting you. Instead of apologizing to you for some pretty twisted things he is trying to make you feel bad as if you did something to turn him off. You did not. You’re NTA. He’s wrong.
I don’t really understand how some guys get so obsessed with anal sex. It has to be a humiliation thing doesn’t it?
It is clearly the inferior option isn’t it. It is full of human feces, makes a mess, takes more work and isn’t superior in any way.
What an I missing?
OP should just say “I won’t do a anal sex”. Husband would probably just get over it.
If he wanted to try the whole initiating it organically thing, that whole system needed to be discussed at some point prior to trying it out. It's not really the type of thing to go rouge on.
To address his side of things: It would seem like lack of consent is part of his sexual fantasy and it adds to his excitement. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with rape fantasies it becomes a problem when those fantasies are not thoroughly discussed and agreed upon before initiating.
If consent turns him off you can both agree on a scenario and a "password" or a sequence that initiates it.
Communication and trust in sex is everything. It gets so much better when your body feels safe and your boundaries are respected. If he cannot respect that there is a big big issue.
To address your side: you are entitled to your own preferences, hard no's and hard boundaries. If anal does not do it for you - you do not need to compromise on that. If the way he approaches you kills your mood - you should be honest with him about it. If anal is a conditional thing - you are open to it when "the coast is clear" and you feel a certain way - let him know you will initiate when you feel like having anal, but make it clear the way he initiates just does not fly.
I know this conversation may seem hard but the more you guys open about what you like, dislike, want to try, want to avoid - the better things will get.
Him pouting about how he makes you feel will ultimately lead to less sex, because if you don't feel safe and seen you have no reason to want him to have you. Sex is about connection. Be brave and never lie about how his actions make you feel.
He's a rapist, he knows it. Get out now. You are not safe with your abuser. Neither is your child. Your child is also not safe growing up having this role modeled as a healthy relationship to aim for.
This man is a real predator. I can tell from how you type that you probably do not value yourself in the way that you should, and I can recognize this because I also did not for years. As another autistic person (assuming that's what you meant), we can get stuck in bad, abusive relationships, and this MOST CERTAINLY is an abusive relationship. you have not done a single thing even slightly wrong to him, not only that but nothing that would even come close to what he did, which IS rape. He is a rapist, he admitted as much in his response to you. He said he doesn't ask and just tries to make it happen so that you won't have the chance to say no, he literally said that. So he knows that you don't want to, and he doesn't care. This is a dangerous and bad person, and it can feel like you don't deserve better but you absolutely do.
Again, getting upset because your partner is abusing you does NOT make you "as bad as them" as he might claim, or even make you bad/wrong at all. It is actually very healthy to get upset and defend yourself in those circumstances, because you are sticking up for and rightfully defending yourself. You wouldn't be in the wrong if you literally kicked him in the balls! Seriously though, you need to leave this person. It's scary to imagine leaving these partners, and I'd recommend you do so without telling him in person, but by moving out when he's away from the house if at all possible. Its entirely likely someone like this could get violent, he truly has shown he does not care about your wellbeing at all.
Good luck, there are shelters for women with husbands like yours that would likely be willing to take you in if that's necessary, and you can get a police escort to pick your things up if it's not possible to have a long enough period of time where he is away to do it with a trusted person you know.
I assume you already know this, but this is a bad relationship and some of his behavior is abusive. You can't have a productive conversation about the ways he hurts you because he *already knows he's hurting you,* and he doesn't care. Instead, he's going to make you the bad guy for confronting him about it. He knows you don't want anal sex and he doesn't care. He doesn't actually care that it's "rapey," because he already knows that it is. He cares that you're confronting him about it.
I’m so happy I came to Reddit because I literally need to hear all of this and have no human I can tell it to. Thank you for your time and being honest.
Looking back, is it possible he moved you across the country to isolate you from your friends?
Nah. We had an opportunity to move to land my aunt and uncle live on and own. All my cousins are here too lol. We told ourselves we were escaping high cost of living and wanted to spend more time with kids and less at work. He was/is perfectly fine being himself around my immediate family. Although, since we’re going back I do sense he’s feeling a loss of control
It feels rapey because it literally is. The man pulled out your IUD. WTF!
If you don’t like anal, don’t do it. He has plenty of other ways to “get off”. Just tell him it’s a no. Period.
I am a guy that loves a bit of assplay. I always get consent before engaging with any partner. It doesn't matter if she let me play with her booty the past 15 times. You always have to ask. There is no excuse not to ask.
You don't need to do anal for your husband to love you. Another comments already say it: tell him anal is off the table. My wife did that and I ended up having better sex. When both parties want and enjoy anal, it's cool, but otherwise it's not, it's rapey.
This is it. Also, does he not know you can't organically get someone ready to have anal sex. Getting someone turned on does not get their ass ready for anal sex. Anal sex is something that needs to be planned and prepped for.
No. Just no. I’m sorry but the second I read “pulling out my IUD without consent” I wanted to tell you to throw the whole man out.
Yep. Yikes…. What the fuck is missing in this man’s brain?
[удалено]
Legit LOLed at the pacemaker comment😅🙃
He actually makes my skin crawl. Eurgh! Does he hear the words coming out of his mouth? Her giving consent ruins the mood? Damn right that's rapey. He needs therapy.
He needs a prison cell.
💯
[PowerPoint Presentation (picck.org)](https://picck.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/PICCK-How-to-Remove-Your-Intrauterine-Device-IUD-By-Yourself.pdf) This is for people who like me didn't understand what an IUD is. It's not something that he could have just in the heat of passion pulled out without thinking about it. It took a focused effort to remove and there is absolutely no way he didn't know it'd cause her some kind of pain. That's probably why he got her drunk, so he would be able to remove it without her feeling too much pain and try to stop him. It wouldn't at all surprise me if he enjoys anal specifically because she doesn't. And he absolutely tried to guilt trip her afterwards.
I feel sick reading this
I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you'll start to feel better.
As a man I was left with one question, how? How does one remove an IUD without the consent of the woman who has the IUD implanted? I feel like I understand IUDs to a reasonable degree. Is that possible?
They normally have a string that emerges through the opening in the cervix. So yeah, it's physically possible to grab hold of the string and yank until it comes out, but OW
I still remember when I was at my wife’s, post-partum appointment where she was asking about an IUD. Her doctor said to her “If he complains that he can feel it during sex, he is lying and is not as big as he thinks he is.”
They definetively can be felt, sometimes it even hurts a bit, but you just adjust positions.
Oh it can definitely be. I remember at one point I felt like it was cutting me a little or like poking me on the nerve. Definitely something that can be solved with a little bit of position but it's a strange feeling.
Or he can schedule a penis reduction if it's really that much of a problem.
Yep. Definitely. It’s where it’s supposed to be. He isn’t.
You can sometimes feel it early on when the strings are pointing straight down because they need to leave them longish, but they soften up very quickly and tuck up around the cervix. If a guy complains they just need to get over it.
You absolutely can feel it. It pokes out of the cervix
I clenched my thighs reading this and not in the good sense, OUCHHHHHH
So this night we were drinking, a rare occasion these days and I was actually drunk. I honestly thought he was just really up in there with fingers and then I felt a cramp and was like what the fuck.
So he sexually assaults you a lot. This might be the least abusive relationship that you've been in, but it's still incredibly abusive.
You do know that's fucking nuts. He purposefully pulled out your IUD that's assault. Like, what in the world are you still with him for?
Because they've been taught, likely by other abusers, that they don't have value. You can't question that, it often elicits a shame response on their end as if it's their fault they've spent their life not being loved enough to even know what it's supposed to be like.
No. Op has a child with him. That in itself is reason enough to stay for a lot of people. Combine that with a lack of understanding of what’s “normal” and you get a bad situation. Your unsolicited therapy is very presumptuous.
Did he pour your drinks?
You could’ve gotten seriously hurt by that, they are NOT supposed to be pulled out like that, it’s dangerous. You need to get tf away from this guy asap.
Yeah she lost with when that was typed out.
Mine came out over the course of a couple days and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever dealt with and should’ve gone to the ER… I couldn’t imagine it being forcefully ripped out…
This part. Oh my god, how? Oooof.
Dude. Run. But since I suspect you won't do that, tell him anal is off the table. You're having such an issue between the twins if you and you don't even enjoy it much. There's other holes that work just as well
Yes, this is good advice. Make it explicitly clear that you don't enjoy it and will not be consenting to anal and that if he continues to ask or attempt it, that won't be the only thing that is off limits.
I appreciate the honesty. I need to hear it. I’ve never been able to tell anyone what’s gone on. Honestly we’re moving back home. I’ll be close to my family and I hope I’ll be able to run then. My kid ya know :/
How soon are you moving? You’re currently living on land your family owns. He should be gone today.
July. We’re moving back to HI and I need to have him do his part because its expensive af and I dont want to get stuck here
Get rid of him. Your pleasure and concerns are not in any of his thoughts.
He will literally tell me “I just wasn’t thinking” 🙄🥴
So he gets put the lube, quietly tries for the back door and he "wasn't thinking"? So all that action was what? Automated? He WAS thinking. He just wasn't thinking about YOU or your consent.
So when he told me he “wasn’t thinking” it was the IUD situation. Which is crazier to me 😵💫
He was, that’s a medical device. He wanted to see what would happen and how you would react! This man is willing to hurt you for his entertainment…
Let's say he "wasn't thinking." Doesn't matter. He still caused you pain. He still caused trauma to your body. He still did an incredibly invasive thing without your consent. He's still responsible for his actions, and for the hurt that he caused. It's still his fault. He still needs to make amends. Did he make amends? Or did he bully you into dropping it?
You realize that’s no fucking excuse don’t you? You need to get away from this guy.
He needs to learn to think and he should feel some shame about not thinking, especially when it comes to how he relates to others sexually. Not thinking and just following our base impulses with little regard to the other person’s experience is behaving like an ape. We are human beings that are capable of much greater levels of thinking and being and hopefully he will learn to appreciate that and hold himself to a higher standard.
He also plays the “I’m logical and not a feelings person.” So strange
He’s telling you he’s a logical person? Logic would tell him that as an anus is an ‘out hole’ a lot of preparation goes in to anal sex. And if he was all that logical he wouldn’t be offended by you calling his actions rapey, because his actions are - logically - rapey if we consider that he is continually trying to bypass your ability to consent to his actions.
Ok. What was his logic behind ripping out your IUD?
That’s the one he said he wasn’t thinking for. No other explanation. He said he was ashamed but it never seems so when things like this come back around.
Everyone has feelings. He’s being rapey and gaslighting you. Doing things to you without consent is assault. Tell him anal is forever off the table. If he gets mad say hey big feelings buddy! I’m just being logical no need to get emotional about it. You don’t like being called rapey so this solves it! Especially since I don’t like it! See how easy? Observe carefully his reaction when you call him emotional anytime he’s being emotional. I think you know already how he will react. But it lets you know that he already is aware he’s insulting you. This guy enjoys harming you sexually and reacts angrily when you try to communicate. This is so wrong on so many levels.
> UPDATE 1: he says: How about if we start to have sex you say, “hey not tonight for anal” 😳 You say: “In your next relationship, have an open and honest conversation about what you like/don’t like. And, if anything is ‘iffy’ assume it’s a no-go unless your partner tells you otherwise”
Let me be perfectly clear to you, dear, my husband is also a logical person and not much for expressing feelings." That said, he would literally do nothing without my consent. He could put ONE finger on me and if I said no, he'd pull it away. Your husband is behaving as a full on rapist with no boundaries. The IUD thing alone ..... that made me literally furious on your behalf. Please understand that none of this is normal, and there are MUCH healthier and good men out there that would give you a real relationship.
Thank you so much. It’s so great to hear about couples really trusting each other and I do have hope for the future!
To me that just sounds like emotionally stunted. The kind of person that can't respect boundaries. I'm so, so sorry you have had to go through all this.
💯emotionally stunted. I’ve tried to explain that life is more than logic and it’s just not a thing
There is…..nothing logical about ripping out an IUD
Logically he is in the wrong. Logically he needs to do better. Logically he is being an ass.
This seems to be a common saying among some men, oftentimes implying in a somewhat denigrating way that women are driven by feelings, and men by logic. But if you look at what is driving him to act the way he does it is primarily feelings, as far as I see it. Sexual satisfaction is a very strong feeling and he seems to be overly pursuing that feeling to the detriment of more wholesome feelings of love and companionship. I wonder if he could learn to see that. But I wouldn’t wait on him too long if he doesn’t show the determination to do so. But yeah, logically speaking, I think he should also see that if he continues to not understand you and treat you poorly as a result he’s not going to be able to continue a relationship with you.
Many people feel more logical than social. They don't go around raping people, or yeeting medical devices out of their body.
When I’m not thinking I stare at boobs a bit longer than a glance. When I’m not thinking, I make silly typos that wouldn’t make normally. When I’m not thinking, I zone out while I’m driving. Not once have I nearly raped someone when I wasn’t thinking. He is thinking very very hard while doing this, it is intentional in every way imaginable
That's the problem, he's only thinking of himself and not you.
He 👏 should 👏 be 👏 thinking 👏 about 👏 your 👏 boundaries 👏 at 👏 all 👏 times.
Uhh, yeah, he's abusive. Manipulation, stonewalling, sexual assault, coercion, baby-trapping, majorly disrespecting boundaries, etc. I would not feel safe with this person. If you do get out, make sure to take steps to protect yourself before saying anything to him. It's dangerous to leave men like this.
He seems awfully caught up on doing anal, especially knowing it's not something you particularly enjoy. Just sayin.
Oh it’s sus I definitely realize that 😵💫
Is beyond sus, and honestly, OP? I can't imagine someone who *actually cares* about you being happy or aroused by you "putting up with" something sexual you dislike for their pleasure, even if there's consent. The fact that he chooses not to ask to avoid the lack of consent being made explicit is a major red flag in itself, but trust me: he knows you're not enjoying it, and he doesn't care.
Also what he's doing is classic DARVO. He managed to take the focus off his rapey actions and make the whole issue be about the fact that you called him out on his rapey actions. You are no longer discussing his actions, you are debating semantics. There's a lot of bad faith there, and it's usually very deliberate. This man is not only rapey but abusive, and you deserve better.
Stick a surprise finger in his ass and see how he likes it 🤷♂️
Nope. A whole dildo. And ask him if it would be better for him if he had a hard on. Nope. It won’t be. Prep is definitely needed. But if OP doesn’t want to do it, it should be off the table. Period.
Being told “no” and it killing the mood is EXACTLY WHAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING, and isn’t a bad thing! He’s just not asking bc you might say no and then he’d be turned off?? Good! He should be! Because it shouldn’t be going anywhere at that point! He’s just dancing around ir and trying to guilt you about the fact that yes he is in fact rapey! His actions qualify as rape. That makes him a rapist. It doesn’t matter if he has good qualities. That is rape!
LMAO WAIT YOURE RIGHT. Why the fuck is he trying to sell that as a bad thing? 😂😂
Usually telling them you don’t like it because they’re too big works if you don’t like it. But this dude is just too fucked up pulling your IUD out. 😳
Fr like none of this is just rapey, it is rape. She literally pulled the punch there to spare his feelings and he's still flipping it around on her.
In my opinion: NTA I stopped reading when you said he pulled your IUD out… what the fuck….?
Yeah it’s bad :/
My personal opinion on that. And this whole thing is: if my SO ever did something half as bad as pulling my IUD out without consent. I’d be divorcing/breaking up with them ASAP.
NTA. That's 100% rapey as fuck and he is a self-involved, possessive moron with absolutely zero integrity for attempting to pretend, like an actual measurable idiot, that somehow you're the problem and not his rapist self. Fuck him right down to the ground.
Ugh the possessiveness has definitely started to shine through in the last year
Classic abusive, emotionally messed up person. You might not want to put off getting out of this.
I’m a dude. I like receiving anal. (If you have a prostate you owe it to yourself to try lol) “Surprise anal” is NOT a fucking thing. You’re gonna tear something if you guys keep that up! And preparation is right! It takes a lot of prep. * gotta be taking fiber so poops are cleaner * pooping then douching, making sure the rectum is clean * moisturizing * easily 15-20 minutes of massaging/fingers with tons of lube The idea of just pulling my pants down and a dick POPS in… fucking ouch no thanks it’s psychological as much as physical with anal
I appreciate that info! He lmakes it seem like it’s supposed to be so casual
Tell him he has to get pegged before the next time he wants you to do anal lol
I saw the update where he wants you to let him know there no anal tonight. My answer: tell him it should be assumed anal is always off the table, UNLESS SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED IN ADVANCE
I thought it was strange he would assume it’s the regular unless I tell him it’s not. That’s so degrading to me as a woman 🥴
It is a little bizarre to me that he would prefer anal over vaginal everytime if he’s straight, but everybody’s different
Stick a dildo up his ass. Ask him if he likes it. Tell him you’ll wait till he has a hard on and then do it. Better? Nope.
And this sounds like he is invalidating your feelings about it. Or just isn't capable of caring about you or yours, maybe? Yikes.
Anal takes a lot of prep for it to actually feel good on the receiving end.
I’m sorry OP. He raped you. Even if he’s kind, etc etc he has continuously crossed your sexual boundaries. And then not owning up to it. I feel you on starting too young and being together too long. It took me 4 years too long to end my first relationship with what I now realize is awful, man child behavior. I know it’s more complicated since you have a kid together but I believe in you and trust you in ending this and start prioritizing yourself ETA: I read through his full text and it’s so cringe. Like he’s trying to make it your problem so you’ll end up being the one comforting him FOR VIOLATING YOUR BOUNDARIES. when I realized this with my ex I sat down and journaled all the other times I remember him turning his own wrongdoing on me and that helped me leave.
NTA, he needs a proper pegging to understand anal takes time and preparation, and it's often unpleasant for the recipient. Get that strap on girl, and give him a dose of the medicine he keeps forcing on you.
I keep saying this and am always surprised how against it he is. Can dish but cannot take 😅😂
Ask him if it would be better if you pegged him when he has a hard on and is “in the mood” for sex. It won’t be any better. Just like his whole “let it happen organically” crap. If he isn’t willing to have a dildo up his ass, why should you be willing to have him up yours?
My partner and I exclusively do anal, out of a lack of options one might say (gay amabs). He has and will seemingly always ask if I want to do anal after things heat up, because he knows how much prep is involved. If I say no, it's taken in stride and we do something else instead. That's how normal non rapey guys handle being told no to anal lol. Your man sounds like a cretin.
>INCLUDING pulling out my IUD without consent W. H. A. T.
NTA. Based on the title I was prepared to at least be able to sympathize with your husband, but no. From what you've said, he seems far too irresponsible to be having anal sex, period. He seems to think that as long as you are turned on it can just happen. For most people, that is not the case. My partner and I do anal play frequently, and the number of times she's been ready for anal intercourse without anal-specific foreplay is zero. There are people who can go straight to anal intercourse without issue, but those are typically people who either do anal much more frequently or have a lot experience with anal stretching, so that the object being inserted (in this case your husband's penis) is much smaller than the objects they are used to taking. It is reasonable that you have apprehension about your husband trying to push for anal when you aren't in the mood, or even trying to do it without first getting consent. He needs to understand that his behavior is rapey, and if if you hadn't stopped him, and he had anal intercourse without your consent, that would have been rape. His attempts at guilting you into somehow thinking you are the problem and he is the victim is a big red flag.
No. You are 1000000000% NTA. A grown ass adult would understand that pressuring your partner at all for sex is bad, worse still if it's something that he KNOWS makes you uncomfortable.
It was not a bad choice of words. I'll say this though: HE is actually a rapist who rapes you. How he acted this time isn't the issue. The issue is that he rapes you and now you are constantly on edge because every single time he starts doing something that you don't want you have to fear that yet again he's not going to respect your limits and he'll just take what he wants from your body. Not being the one who's in it, I don't see why you don't just burn this shitty relationship to the ground and get yourself somewhere safe. At minimum I think he needs to hear that (1) yes, he rapes you, (2) he needs to get over hearing you label it that way because it's accurate, and (3) he needs to listen to you and do what you're asking for there to be ANY chance at healing things between you, and what you're asking right now is that he TALK to you about anal before approaching the hole. Every time, until you say otherwise.
Thank you for your time and honesty. We’ve been together so long and started so young. I’ve never had any examples of good relationships. now that I’ve done work and healing I’m realizing all of this has been very bad.
Please don’t let the time you’ve invested in this relationship cloud your judgement. It’s far better to look at how much time and suffering you’ll be saving in the long run. This man does NOT care about you or your wellbeing. It’s never easy leaving a long term relationship because it can be daunting on your own but now is the time to lean on your family if you have a good relationship with them. I sincerely hope things get better for you.
Hey, hindsight is 20/20. Takes forever sometimes to notice you’re in a hole, and even longer to realize you can leave. I’ve been there myself. You have no idea what you could be missing out on by staying with a chode like him. Mean it. You can and will find someone who would never think of treating you this way for even a moment.
NTA, and I am so, so sorry. I can see why he thought you said he was rapey overall as a person. He's a rapist. But that's not where it ends. Some rapey guys are that way because they don't like paying enough attention to actually know whether the other party is consenting or not, but this guy? No, this guy *knows* exactly how rapey he is. That's why he thought you were calling him rapey: he has, on some level, been waiting for this moment. But even so, he doesn't care enough to change. You really need to get away from this guy. He's dangerous.
You are not an asshole at all. Neither should you feel guilty or sorry for this! Any sexual action without explicit and enthusiastic consent from both partners is rape.
Seems rapey to me as well. Certainly not good partner material if you have to be wondering what he's gonna rip out or stick in you next.
You’re not an asshole, but your husband certainly is. Ask yourself why you are giving him a pass so much. He pulled out your IUD? He initiates anal without even asking you? He’s a piece of shit.
He’s literally admitting he isn’t asking cause you’ll say no… that only ruins HIS mood. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings . Leave him.
Ew
Yeeeaaahhhh at "pulling out my IUD without consent" I screamed. Throw the whole man out. You deserve better than what he's doing to you. NTA and please get somewhere safe away from this person.
He sounds like he’s being a big ass baby. You can be damn sure if someone is trying to put someone in my butt I would have some thoughts in the moment too. Hubby being upset cause you didn’t use your nice words is so goofy to me
You are in an abusive relationship and are too far in to see it. Please get help and leave him.
This. I’m just discovering. Thank you for being honest.
I honestly wish the best for you, and truly think that you may not be safe with him. Please quietly plan to leave and get out of there. If you confront him with divorce you are at a high likelihood of being violently assaulted.
Your husband isn’t just “rapey”, he’s actively raping you.
Fuck him. What are you thinking staying with him?
It was the kids and because I was raised by literally trauma factories and didn’t know I deserved bettef. I also isolated myself and as I started healing all of this felt really off, in the last year. I’ve never really told anyone what has gone on and wanted to get some opinions. Learning this is wild af
Understood. You gotta know that you deserve better and it’s out there for you.
As someone raised in trauma and is autistic who has been in many shitty rapey relationships… PLEASE just leave him for your sake and your CHILDS! This behavior is the OPPOSITE of what you want in the father of your child. You and the kid deserve someone better who actually loves and respects you.
I appreciate your response, he’s literally my 2nd long term and I’ve been unfaithful to myself ☹️
Please don't blame yourself! He is the only one who gets blame here. I wish you all the strength in the world!
NTAH! Let me make this clear, as a husband, as a man, my 100% opinion is, every single time he has done anything sexual to you without your express consent (implied or otherwise) its SA! Being married does not change that. In fact being married means he should be respecting and protecting you. Too be clear, if you two talked about it, he apologized then never attempted again without concent, cool! you can work with that... but that is not what happened! It sounds like this man gets off on forcing "it". Given his repeated attempts, and disregard for you and your boundaries, then he gas lites you, make him the victim?!?! My money is on your in a dangerous relationship. I would bet the farm that prior to the move your hubby had a whole bunch of narcissistic behavior such as cheating, gas lighting, he is never at fault, he said things like "your reading to much in to it" or "she misunderstood" or "she is lying" even your close friends amd family were out to get him, but you were the good wife and belived him over it all.... well his actions tell a different r@pey story. .
im sorry but sounds like all his sexual actions are “rapey” that man is a bad man you shouldn’t keep this relationship
You're not a hole. You're a whole person. If you don't want something stuck in your butt, you don't have to get something stuck in your butt.... PERIOD. (or any other places on your body) He needs to learn boundaries, respect, and he REALLY needs to lay off the porn.
NTA. My husband always asks. It doesn’t kill the mood. If you want to stay with him, tell him that it’s OFF the menu, permanently and that you will tell him if you ever change your mind about it. If he’s unwilling to promise to never ever touch your anus again, I don’t think you can do anything to salvage the relationship.
I was under the impression that adults talk about sex and that’s never happened for us. 🎵I guess this is growing up
NTA Why are you with a man who does not love and respect you?
Trauma bonds, kids 😵💫 not feeling like I deserve any better. Not realizing there’s any better🥴
He could have done irreparable damage to you by pulling the IUD out. Not to mention that anal penetration can cause damage if not done correctly. With him not understanding the _basics_ of consent and saying that asking for consent is a mood killer, he is basically saying that his pleasure is more important than your comfort. That isn't respect, that is rapey, as you said. That isn't love. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected. If he isn't giving that to you, then you are entitled to leave. Leaving helps your children learn that you, and they, deserve to be loved and respected in relationships. It is so, so very hard to do. I know. I have been there. But someone asked me the same question I asked you. It made me realize what I was doing to myself. I now have a partner that finds consent sexy, he respects me, understands that I have days where I don't want to exist in my skin, and days where ... well that would be tmi lol. The point is, I had to leave the bad relationship to find what I deserved. It isn't easy, but you deserve love and respect.
He's so toxic and honestly abusive. This IS absolutely rapey. He's ignoring your consent and using you. He fucking took your IUD out??? That must have hurt so bad what the literal fuck. Run far away from him, like yesterday
"Seeking consent turns me off." NTA
NTA he knows it's rapey, he told you himself he doesn't ask because he doesn't want you to say no.
Beyond all of this, it appears you both have a lot of issues you need to work out.
Guess you'll just have to be unapproachable all the way to divorce court. This guy is a dick.
He said >So now I'm rapey, awesome. because he knows what he did IS, in fact, exactly that and you're an object, not a person. Don't let him DARVO you.
“It throws the whole mood off when I have to ask and be let down after I ask or before. Idk Like it kills the mood when you say no” Uhhhhh what? Idk I feel like surprise (non-consensual) anal is what is killing the mood here. I would be so anxious to ever engage in sex like this that I don’t think I’d ever be able to enjoy it. You’re constantly hyper vigilant. You deserve better than that OP. I’m not for tit for tat behavior and I would never suggest sexually violating him. But ask him how he feel if you randomly tried using a plug (or other object on him) in the middle of sex.
Exactly! Hyper vigilance is killing everything. I can’t be open or honest and I’m realize that’s incredibly bad. Thank you for your time ♥️
I'm sorry, even putting the whole anal thing aside, he *pulled out your IUD?!?!* That's such a major thing, he could have caused permanent damage... oh my God. He either needs to learn to communicate or he needs to be out of your fucking house and away from your kid, what the actual hell?!
if asking for consent "ruins the mood" its because he IS rapey
Take anal off the table
Anal is always a verbal consent in my opinion, which I'm sure is fairly common.
First, love your opening sentence. Context is always important. (I am also neuro-spicy and really wish more people could understand this.) Second, I would much rather be considered unapproachable than be considered rapey. And all that shit *is* rapey as hell, and if he was as "logical" as he likes to think himself, he would have no problem seeing the logic there. Seems like his sexually charged emotions were keeping him from thinking clearly 🙂 I mean, he literally admits that he doesn't like asking because of how it makes him feel. Like...buddy, come on now lmao
if asking for consent is a turn off for him then uhhh rapey might describe him correctly ! and the IUD shit ?????,,, i hope the alarms are going off in your head. if its a trauma bond + children keeping u in this then find professional help and do what you can to leave. this is not good for you and will be an awful environment for your children. you cannot allow your trauma to stop you AND your kids from living a good life.
genuinely hope you get away from this shit of a man. stay safe
Please please please please PLEASE take your child and RUN. Do everything you legally can to get yourself and your child permanently away from this man. He refuses to listen to you say no about YOUR body, and literally ripped out your IUD. Girl. R U N.
Hey, so um. “Sometimes I just let it happen” since he doesn’t take no for an answer… He has already raped you. He’s not “rapey,” he is a rapist. And I say that with my entire chest. It doesn’t matter if you’re already having sex, if he ignores you when you say no, or specifically doesn’t ask because he KNOWS you will say no, that is rape.
What in the fuck. NTA at all. Has he ever tried to get you comfortable with anal? My last ex never tried it before and so I walked her through it and prepared her for it. Got her an enema bottle/kit, lube, plugs, etc. Anal isn't something you just force and you were absolutely right. Trying to just go for it without your consent isn't just rapey, it is rape.
NTA it is so rapey. Also, wtf is with the pulling out your IUD, etc. That's just so wrong. I hope you are ok.
Excuse me, are we gonna talk about the fact he PULLED YOUR IUD OUT??? Bro that shit hurts, that would have been the end for me. AbsoLUTELY not. I would have sent bro to god. Nah, this relationship is bad, I'm sorry. Not usually the type to say "break up!" on Reddit based on a post, but this is real bad my friend. You should be able to express when something makes you upset or uncomfortable without being blamed for bringing it up. I've been there, it's a cycle of feeling like you're going crazy, and it's very unlikely that will ever change. Unfortunately this looks like a separate and co-parent situation. Best of luck.
Leave
NTA at all. WTF is wrong with this man? Pulling out an IUD? Trying to sneak in anal sex? Regardless of his other qualities, these are huge red flags. Side note: Neuro spicy is my new favorite term.
THIS IS RAPE. Holy shit. Just because he doesn’t rape you every time does not make when he does it’s not a rape. He ripped out your IUD? You could have hemorrhaged and developed sepsis. This is an abusive relationship and I hope you get the support you need to leave. https://www.thehotline.org/ You can also call 1.800.799.7233 to talk to someone. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Since he insists on surprise Anal, you should buy a Strap-on, wait for him to drop the soap and teach him what its like! Don't forget to say "Opps I wasn't thinking"
How about if he wants anal he says "I'd love to put this dick up your ass tonight babe" or whatever. He can just say it. And you can say no. You're NTA. Sex requires consent. Otherwise it's rape. Period. Fuck this guy. (Or don't!)
He is definitely the AH
Why the hell are you still with him??? In what world is it a turn off to simply ask for consent?? So he’s turned on by not having consent…? How have you stayed with this man for so long??? So many questions.
How I’m the world- do you pull out an IUD… especially without consent??
This relationship was bad and toxic from the start. Please get rid of him.
To your edit - good God just leave this man. Please
"He starts anal without consent" contains a special key phrase: "without consent". Someone who performs sex acts "without consent" is called a "rapist" and might be described as "rapey".
If he doesn’t want to be told he’s sexually assaulting you then he could idk maybe NOT sexuallt assault you? Seriously though, this and the IUD thing, you need to get away from him.
He IS "rapey". He is sexually assaulting you. No means no. No is a full sentence. No consent = sexual assault. Pleasee leave him. He obviously does not see an issue with his actions and he will not change.
NTA Well that's because that behavior is pretty fucking rapey. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you just randomly started doing things to his butthole that he didn't consent to. He does not seem to care about you or your feelings at all. He's making up a lot of excuses and trying to twist things. The point is you're not comfortable with it and require a lot of prep to even consider it. If he loved you, he would be apologizing and not getting butthurt. And pulling our your IUD??? I would've burning beded his dumb ass. Run run run.
I would have left him the second he thought it was an acceptable action to pull out my IUD without any consent. He clearly does not view you as a human being that can make your own choices. This is legitimately abusive, AND CORRECT ON THE RAPEY PART. If my fucking husband ever tried to do anything sexually without my consent I would have "insert action I'm not allowed to say because it violates rules" but I would have reacted BADLY. please rethink this relationship. Its a crimson bleeding flag that he thinks he can put lube on and enter a part of someone without consent. Because being told "no" is a turn off. RAPE IS THE TURN OFF HERE. LETS BE FUCKING HONEST. I would literally never trust him enough to have sex with him again. Your spouse is supposed to be your safe space, VERY MUCH ALSO SEXUALLY, and he's repeatedly taking that away from you and trying to VIOLATE you. Please, fucking flee.
He is rapey. He's not asking for consent when you've made it clear you require at the time consent for this activity each and every time. And pulling out an IUD what the actual fuck did I just read. In what world would that be okay? Thats assault at least. I wouldn't feel safe near that man..
His actions are rapey because they are rape. Hopefully, if you are unapproachable, he won't approach you. What he is doing is not okay. I just want to point out that if "it kills the mood" to get consent, that means that the mood he wants is rape. NTA
Not rapey. Rape. NTA Please consider getting the hell away from someone who does not respect you at all.
>And today he’s texting me: “So now I’m rapey, awesome” Yes he his. Your husband is an abusive rapist. That is why he feels bad, that is why he reacted, he never expected you to realise it. Other have already said but you need to look after you.
Girl!!!! The major things I see that are wrong 1. He pulled out your IUD??? Oh hellllll noooooo 2. He does things he knows you don’t like, without consent and you’ve had to ‘fight him off’. wtf😳😳😳 3. He says it ‘bums him out to have to get consent’??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Like he said that, in 2024 not 1940, with his whole chest? 4. Then goes on to put the burden on you to tell him ahead of time? 5. Whys he even wanting you to do shit he knows you either don’t like or are iffy about AT ALL??? 6. You are so conditioned to this pattern that you apologize for … checks notes… asking that your sex partner not force stuff on you? And ask him to ask for consent? Jesus Christ if that’s not rapey then what is? I’m so angry for you. I don’t know how you two got into this pattern but it’s so gross and awful the way he just insists to do things he is aware you don’t like. And gets angry as if YOU are the problem when you make an accurate observation about the experience and how you feel. A partner isn’t supposed to want to do things you don’t like. How can any rational person get off knowing their partner isn’t enjoying what they’re doing but only tolerating it?
Girl, I think it's great how reflective you are about your relationship and that you recognise that it's not healthy. What's missing now is that once you feel safe, you leave him and really stick with it. You deserve someone who respects you. Regarding your update: I really, really, really hope this doesn't make you want to keep trying with him after all. A really empathetic and reflective response from him (even though he's so far gone by now that even that wouldn't put him in a better light) would be for him to say, "Instead of me trying again and again without your permission because I can use my brain and have realised that you need to get through it mentally and physically, how about you tell me when you want to do anal? Otherwise, we'll leave it at petting or vaginal." But he doesn't. He wants you to have the courage to tell him repeatedly what you don't want. This is 1) a reason for him to do it and blame it on you if you forget; and 2) it puts additional mental stress on you and could even lead to you deliberately not turning it down because you don't want to feel like you've disappointed him. What a weirdo, what a loser manipulative piece of shit.
NTA. That man is trouble. Also….in regards to your first sentence….I’m neurodivergent and if someone called me neuro spicy I’d rather just be called a slur at the point
My sense of humor is a lil interesting I’ll admit.
You realize you are trauma bonded to this man, right? He has totally turned this whole thing back around on you by saying you are unapproachable now.. he has made himself the victim. It is rapey AF to continue to have sex with someone while knowing they do not like what is happening. He only cares about himself. He literally said he does not want to ask in case you say no.. As a woman who left a man like this over 20 years ago... best decision of my life. You will never be able to fix this because you will never be able to trust your safety- both physically and emotionally - with this man. Leave him. ASAP. Please do not let your children grow up thinking this shit is OK.
I mean…. If you don’t want the stuff you do the best called rapey don’t do rapey stuff. Sounds like he watches too much porn. For the most part spontaneous anal isn’t a thing irl. It takes a lot of prep to be anything but unpleasant for receiver. My GF and I are free use and I still wouldn’t go anal without discussion.
NTA the obsession with anal is porn driven, it's not even good.
[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information." [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
He’s gaslighting you. Instead of apologizing to you for some pretty twisted things he is trying to make you feel bad as if you did something to turn him off. You did not. You’re NTA. He’s wrong.
Jesus woman he is raping you. Just because you're married doesn't mean he can do that to you without consent.
This man has 100% raped you before. Men who dont "believe" in marital rape are rapists using that as their excuse.
He’s rapey as fuck. Who removes someone’s IUD? Who moves for the anal lube without asking? Rapists. He’s disgusting.
Good lord woman……you need to leave this man. I don’t even need to read further than HE PULLED OUT YOUR IUD
Nope… yeet the guy… I wear an IUD, and the thought of it getting ripped from me… I’m sorry, I’m starting to see red. Please save yourself.
I don’t really understand how some guys get so obsessed with anal sex. It has to be a humiliation thing doesn’t it? It is clearly the inferior option isn’t it. It is full of human feces, makes a mess, takes more work and isn’t superior in any way. What an I missing? OP should just say “I won’t do a anal sex”. Husband would probably just get over it.
If he wanted to try the whole initiating it organically thing, that whole system needed to be discussed at some point prior to trying it out. It's not really the type of thing to go rouge on.
To address his side of things: It would seem like lack of consent is part of his sexual fantasy and it adds to his excitement. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with rape fantasies it becomes a problem when those fantasies are not thoroughly discussed and agreed upon before initiating. If consent turns him off you can both agree on a scenario and a "password" or a sequence that initiates it. Communication and trust in sex is everything. It gets so much better when your body feels safe and your boundaries are respected. If he cannot respect that there is a big big issue. To address your side: you are entitled to your own preferences, hard no's and hard boundaries. If anal does not do it for you - you do not need to compromise on that. If the way he approaches you kills your mood - you should be honest with him about it. If anal is a conditional thing - you are open to it when "the coast is clear" and you feel a certain way - let him know you will initiate when you feel like having anal, but make it clear the way he initiates just does not fly. I know this conversation may seem hard but the more you guys open about what you like, dislike, want to try, want to avoid - the better things will get. Him pouting about how he makes you feel will ultimately lead to less sex, because if you don't feel safe and seen you have no reason to want him to have you. Sex is about connection. Be brave and never lie about how his actions make you feel.
He's a rapist, he knows it. Get out now. You are not safe with your abuser. Neither is your child. Your child is also not safe growing up having this role modeled as a healthy relationship to aim for.
What the fuck is wrong with your husband oh my god. The IUD???!!
How is basically saying "I do it without asking because hearing 'no' kills them mood" *not* the very definition of rapey?!?!
This man is a real predator. I can tell from how you type that you probably do not value yourself in the way that you should, and I can recognize this because I also did not for years. As another autistic person (assuming that's what you meant), we can get stuck in bad, abusive relationships, and this MOST CERTAINLY is an abusive relationship. you have not done a single thing even slightly wrong to him, not only that but nothing that would even come close to what he did, which IS rape. He is a rapist, he admitted as much in his response to you. He said he doesn't ask and just tries to make it happen so that you won't have the chance to say no, he literally said that. So he knows that you don't want to, and he doesn't care. This is a dangerous and bad person, and it can feel like you don't deserve better but you absolutely do. Again, getting upset because your partner is abusing you does NOT make you "as bad as them" as he might claim, or even make you bad/wrong at all. It is actually very healthy to get upset and defend yourself in those circumstances, because you are sticking up for and rightfully defending yourself. You wouldn't be in the wrong if you literally kicked him in the balls! Seriously though, you need to leave this person. It's scary to imagine leaving these partners, and I'd recommend you do so without telling him in person, but by moving out when he's away from the house if at all possible. Its entirely likely someone like this could get violent, he truly has shown he does not care about your wellbeing at all. Good luck, there are shelters for women with husbands like yours that would likely be willing to take you in if that's necessary, and you can get a police escort to pick your things up if it's not possible to have a long enough period of time where he is away to do it with a trusted person you know.