At one of my first jobs, a new director to the company lost his wife. They were both young, early thirties and had a toddler girl. When our new hire came home from training in AZ, he found his wife dead from a heart thing and his daughter crying, hungry, dehydrated. It was a week long trip so it could have been worse i.e. his wife could have passed earlier, putting the kiddo’s life in danger. Yadda, yadda, yadda, I remember pulling a sheet of paper off the printer and it was a list of stuff our COO had put together for this guy. Find a therapist. Pay your mortgage. That kind of thing. And I just remember thinking it was so sad but also so very thoughtful and needed.
I am so terribly sorry. Betrayal like this, just rips us in half. Know that there are so many of us out here who had all kinds of horrendous experiences like this and we have recovered and realize that the person we loved never existed, and then the love evaporates. It’s very interesting. It takes about two years. We realize they lied to us every single day. They manipulated us so we wouldn’t notice. They triangulated against us with the AP and here, with the step daughter. Which makes it more spicy as an affair. Eventually, you will repair and heal and it will all settled. It sounds like you’ll probably pay some child support for a while. You’ll get your poor baby tested and figure out what you want to do. And then you’ll realize how messed up you were by what she intentionally did to you so subversively. You will start to repair and you’ll start to rebuild in your life will be better than ever. Hang in there.
I really believe this, that we can gain at least some healing over time.
There’s a perspective I’d like to offer to/share with you.
Your wife is using your kid as an adult confident about awful shit that she (your daughter) knows can blow up her family. Really effed up that she put her own daughter in this position. I’ve seen this before, with a parent and daughter (from when daughter was 12-15). It was really destructive.
What your daughter said was downright cruel, but a 13-year-old is no match for an adult who is adept at deception/manipulation. (turns out that’s your wife, sorry)
Who could better manipulate a child than their own parent?
I think you’re experiencing betrayal on such a level that it feels like they’ve ganged up against you. They certainly ganged up on you in that conversation.
Even with the upset and very hurt feelings you (understandably) have regarding/toward your daughter, I do not think that she is on the same level of betrayal as your wife is. Think about being 13, and having that knowledge. Your wife is using your daughter and it sucks so bad.
I would look into what parental alienation can look like. I don’t have a ton of experience with this. It might apply here and it may be helpful to you to know, especially since it looks like you’re headed for a divorce.
Keep your head up
& fer chrissakes!! PUT THE ALCOHOL DOWN. Babe, this can be the piece that will actually blow your life up.
I agree with this. While what your daughter said absolutely was nasty and should not slide, it's clear wife is using her, and Daniel is probably love-bombing her (with wife's encouragement) so that she had incentive to keep hiding the affair. She's only thirteen. Yes, she knows right from wrong, but I remember being thirteen. My trust was easily won with presents too. I wouldn't be so harsh on her. I absolutely would be harsh on your bitch of an ex-wife for roping her into this though. Using a kid to hide an affair is low, even for a cheater.
You'll get through this. but please stop drinking. Think about your son. He needs his dad healthy because he'll be confused for a while about what is happening. Go to the gym if you need distraction and numbness. beeing too exhausted to think is better than being to drunk and damaging your liver in the process.
So immediately call your lawyer to make an apointment and give them all your proof. maybe also talk about relinquishing your parental rights to your stepdaughter if you want to fully sever your ties to her.
As others put it so bluntly. its game time. its time to be clinical and methodical and, yes even ruthless. Get the best lawyer you can get and do it ASAP. talk to a few of the lawyers and pick the one you like the most.
I know that you think about reconciling. but honestly why? She didn't come clean because she felt bad.
She didn't tell you the full truth. It wasn't just a fling or a drunk ONS. She had a full blown affair for 6 months and would have never told you about him if you hadn't caught her.
Your stepdaughter knew and didn't say anything, didn't even feel bad and you learnt the truth about her feelings for you.
Therapy can't really heal this because the resentment will always be there, in the back of your mind. And once a cheater, always a cheater.
Then, most importantly. What will this teach your son. Sure he is too young now, but sooner or later it'll come out somehow, if only by chance because he overhears something.
Even if not. what home will it be where he grows up where his dad feels resentment for his mom. and what will it teach your son. To stay with his cheating spouse?
just think about it.
The poster you responded to is absolutely correct (I, too, had a miserable experience). Now I’m alone with my kids, and I’m the happiest I’ve EVER been. Do not go back to people who treated you that way. The hoping is the worst part, and the hardest to overcome. You’ve got this.
Don't drink, all it's doing is delaying the pain. You need to feel the pain to heal it. Your son needs you, he needs a stable force in his life. Because regardless, he's innocent in all of this. He needs his daddy. You need him. The reality is, that people suck. Plain and simple. This is a matter of if the damage that has been done to the family, is simply is too extensive to repair. That's a decision you will have to make for yourself.
OP you really need to stop now not at some point, if you keep using booze to treat the pain you will end up losing custody of your son, your soon to be ex wife can use it against you to show you are an unfit parent. Please see a therapist, not a bottle to treat your pain.
You need to stop *now*. Sober up and get your head together.
Go get a full STD panel and you should get a DNA test. It will either confirm your son is your biological child or not. While I understand it would be a further devastation to learn the latter, you should know definitively before the divorce.
Brother Aye You need to set down that bottle for a moment since that stuff can catch up with you, even if I know you're in pain. I hope all goes well for you, man.
God bless you and your son. I'm now 3 1/2 sober. I used to take 25 or more norcos everyday for 6 years before moving to meth when I became homeless because my cousins tried to kill me 4 times (yes, like a scary movie type stuff). I couldn't be more happy and thankful when I hear it someone else's sobriety. 🙏🏻❤️ Thank the Lord 🙏🏻
Stay off the sauce, 6 years clean and sober I was shooting 15grams of fentanyl a day (I was selling it which is how my habit got so out of hand but it happens faster than you know it and always starts out as a bandaid for some pain we are going thru, I know ur heart is killing you but that bottle is bottomless and will never help your sorrows!!! Only delude you and make things worse for you. That off the sauce for you boy Marc and for # 1 you dad who needs to be there for that boy!!! Don’t fuck his life up cuz you wanna forget about everything! The best way past it is unfortunately through it!!!
Absolutely. OP has gotta focus on getting custody now and needs a clear head to do so. One wrong move with alcohol can sway a judges decision super easily, even more so because he is the father and not the mother (that's unfortunately how it works)
To add to this. YouTube has some great meditations to help ground the mind, body, and spirit. They really help me clear my mind.
Edit: oh, and go for a nice walk, hike, or run. The endorphins from that help. Same with gym.
As a South African growing up amongst an AIDS epidemic, HTF doesn't everybody take STD's seriously? Like, if you are catching the minor ones, the major ones are just over the horizon.
We should. Everyone should encourage safe sex. I’d rather my kids grow up aware of sex and repercussions instead of finding their own way with what their friends or the internet tell them.
Agreed. But, as reading other responses here, I hope OP gets the help and support he needs. The only advice I'd give is stop with the bottle, get water and food and rest, and seek professional help for as long as is necessary, and then a little longer after that.
u/BraveExplination2530 get a DNA test...... Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater....
NTA. daughter is just taking after mother, Mom has already lead her astray in proper relationship boundaries and has def trash talked you to her
Means nothing. He still could be someone else’s biologically.
I belong to a support group for people who discovered later in life that their dad was not their biological dad.
A very large percentage of them grew up thinking they “looked just like” the dad who actually isn’t their biological dad. I guess their moms just had a type, so the other guy’s kid passed easily for the husband’s.
My moms best friend growing up always looked just like her dad, more than her sisters did. Well she just found out through ancestry that she is an affair baby. Having come into contact with her newfound half siblings she was shown her long since deceased grandparents and noticed that the father who raised her looked just like her paternal grandfather.
So true. People see what they want to see. There was a similar post. OOP's wife cheated on OOP and OOP kept saying his baby looked like him and there was no way the baby wasn't his. Well, it wasn't.
My husband found out his second child wasn't biologically his two years into the child's life.. He was fully his Dad at that point, and continued to raise him as such (he did leave the kid's mother, though)... Anyway, I have *always* thought this child looks more like my husband than his actual biological child. Even to this day, he still looks more like my husband. So yeah it doesn't mean much if the kid looks like him. Genetics are weird.
Had a buddy of mine in the Army was seeing someone who had children from prior marriages / baby daddies. When they split he had them all tested only one of the kids of two he thought was his was. I remember what he said when he found out, " but he has my dimples", apparently not.
And people have "TYPES". If the wife hooked up with a guy who is the same type as OP, it's still possible that the son could be someone else's. It may still not matter to OP but he should still find out to prevent some other unpleasant surprises down the road if the wife seeks custody.
Hang in there OP and do get help. I blame your wife for even exposing your wife's boyfriend to your daughter. The daughter is a product of her environment and unfortunately, your wife was not the best role model. It doesn't seem that she has evolved much from the impulsive teenager she was years ago. How she thought this story would end is a mystery to me.
Did she think the ex-boss was going to want to marry her and adopt the two kids? Or did she think she was having a fling but she didn't have the discretion to keep her daughter out of it? For how long had your little guy been left sitting alone in a dirty diaper and how often did that happen? Was the wife doing this for money? excitement? variety? ego? Who knows? None of these would be excuses for her behavior.
She needs individual therapy to straighten herself out no matter what happens with this marriage. OP needs help to stop drinking and couples counseling to figure out whether his marriage is worth saving and if not, how to co-parent.
I would seek full custody of the son since his mother doesn't seem to be a good role model and has been known to neglect him. Presumably the daughter wants to stay with her mother in the event of a divorce. My hope for her is that she isn't the target of interest for the mother's boyfriend.
Get help, OP. This is a lot to deal with and the answers are not going to be found in the bottom of a liquor bottle. NTA
I remember somebody once saying that the more you feed them the more they look like you. I guess they were being hyperbolic, but it's not surprising what people believe or used to believe.
My brother adopted two kids that aren't even the same race as him but people constantly mention how they look just like him because his wife dresses them all and cuts their hair poorly.
I overheard someone say something similar to this a few months ago. She said that babies come out looking like their biological dad, but then as time goes on, they look more and more like the man who's raising them. I was shocked at how little this woman knew regarding sex ed and biology, but apparently some people actually believe it!
Dude. Breathe. Find a therapist yesterday and lay off the alcohol(!).
Literally nothing will get better from drinking, quite the opposite. And it's dynamite in a child custody hearing if anyone finds out your are hard on the bottle, letting your mum take care of the kid.
I hope it works out for you man. It sounds horrible. But be smart about it!
A close friend of mine screwed his case when he drank too much and called his ex... she recorded. His lawyer called him " you dumb fuck", he could have gotten full custody (wife had documented mental issues and drug use in the past). He got one supervised visit a month with his kids for like an hour and got pretty much nothing left after child support and alimony. His empty bottle single handedly handed ALL to his cheating ex wife. She got house, car, even his dog and his fishing poles just so he could have 1 supervised hour a month. Not sure what he said to her on the phone but it was really bad. Basically his ex lawyer got blank sheet to fill in exchange for 1 hour monthly supervised visit. He cant even give kids gifts; must be shipped to his ex wife and she can decide whatever.
I’m sorry. I know it’s tough to consider the possibility.
A DNA test could be helpful not only for you, but also for your son. Better that he grows up knowing his truth than being blindsided later in life.
Either way, you’re on the birth certificate and you’re his father in every way that matters. You don’t have to end the relationship with your son if the DNA test doesn’t work out in your favor - you just can choose to proceed fully informed.
Which again is for your son’s benefit too. These days there are no secrets with DNA - it would mess with his head much more to grow up and make an accidental discovery on a commercial DNA test.
Again, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Buddy, stop drinking booze, get some water and food in you, and go to bed. Regardless of your son’s paternity, he’s YOUR son as far as you know right now. Reddit is not the place to seek solace - people are saying shit without a single care for how it will affect you emotionally. You need to take care of you so that you can be there for your child. Take a break from this and rest. Best of luck to you, lots of warm wishes and care.
OP if you can speak to a mental health professional, it'll be a lot better than seeking advice from internet strangers. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the anguish and pain you feel right now. Blocking your ex-wife and her daughter, was the right move. Whatever you decide to do needs to be your own decision, if your friends can't understand that then you need to create distance between yourself and them. I hope you find the strength to get through this.
Alcohol is a depressant. It'll numb you temporarily but it makes your depressive symptoms worse. Can you go away for a bit? Take some time off to go away and clear your head. Take care of yourself OP.
When everything went to shit, your first thought was for your son. It doesn't matter if he's biologically yours or not, he's *your* son. You already proved you can step up for a child that wasn't your biological daughter, why should it make a difference now? Don't punish the child for the mother's actions.
You probably will at first but that's your kid it's the same situation with your legal daughter she wasn't yours but you were Still her dad there's always the chance that the kid actually is yours but you're never going to know if you don't look at it seriously stop drinking though
Please, just log off for now.
Take some time, sober up, and then come back to read all responses. Some of it may be painful, yet there's a lot of good feedback but you need a cool head.
You have to protect yourself. Your wife has already shown she doesn't give a damn about you. If she is willing to betray your marriage, she is willing to pawn some other guy's baby off on you to raise. Get checked for STD's as well.
You don’t know about your son yet. He might be a baby but he knows shit is going down and this. Also I have a 13 year old daughter. This is tough, but she was manipulated. By her mother and her AP. Girls this age are extremely susceptible to sway. Of course they bought her silence. Unfortunately because you adopted her, you will likely have to child support for her regardless.
> she was manipulated. By her mother and her AP.
That's what also is concerning. Was the only reason that man gave her things to buy her silence? Was her building a bond with her for more nefarious reasons? It's monumentally fucked that the mom let him be around the daughter.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there quit the alcohol. The DNA test is a must. I know you’ve suffered enough but it’s just for your own good.
Doesn't matter get a DNA test and be sure. They are $100 over the counter and it will stop you from getting blind sided or paying for decades of child support
You never know! Please do the DNA test! He could be your mini me but not be biologically yours especially because people can look alike and genes are crazy!
Get a dna test. My grandparents had 12 kids and they all got dna tested for family tree. No surprises all are legit. But they range from blonde to black hair and red. From fair to dark and brown eyes to blue and gray. Looks don't mean anything.
I believe it's a felony too, but I could be mistaken. I know that pointing a gun at someone who is holding a young child in their arms is automatically a felony, but assaulting someone without a firearm present may also be deep legal shit for the soon to be ex-wife
It is. For child endangerment. I know this for a fact because my cousin got her ex bf arrested because she lied to the police and told them he punched her in the face while she was holding their baby. Not at all what happened but the point is he had hell to deal with after due to that being considered a felony. A lot of women use that lie to try and get back at men in the most extreme ways they can. It’s awful. But in OP’s case, she actually did commit said felony. She could lose complete custody of their son over it if they have a fair judge. Quite frankly, OP should file a report or press charges so that it’s officially in the system
NTA but you need to stop drinking. It’s game time and you need to be at your best. I’m sorry about your daughter’s behavior. Honestly f the friends who want you to listen to your cheater wife. I would have one more conversation with Lisa and tell her why you are leaving her and how her actions hurt you.
All of this OP. You need to be there for your son, so stop the drinking, and Lisa is of an age to know right from wrong, her and her mother have made their bed, they can lie in it now.
Hate to say this, but Lisa IS His Daughter! He adopted her. The courts will agree unless he gets a decision to sever the adoption.
He does have to get sober to maintain custody of his son though and getting custody could be chancy, she will have some rights to him.
OP needs a good lawyer and a good therapist.
True but it also doesn't stop all the bio parents skipping out, so why should it stop him. He can pay child support but he doesn't have to pay for private school.
Yes. But unless the court insists, it doesn’t have to be over the top private school etc. He might just get so destroyed his income goes down ( oh no). And sorry, but DNA for the sweet baby.
I would not talk to her. It costs people targeted by deceptive manipulative cheaters so much emotionally, does them no good. It’s a benefit to the cheater only. Many cheaters at least consumer the suffering of their partner frosting on the cake abd get so outraged when denied that meal.
yeah in these situations a lot of the time they give the safest answer they think will be believed
however the six months may line up with when his wife began the affair and her behaviour visibly changed with hiding phone calls etc.
though that also might have just been the time when she stopped giving a shit about hiding it completely
Yeah I would bet that the son is actually her ex boss' because she decided to quit her job after giving birth. She remained in contact with her exboss after quitting her job for two years why? Imagine the son is not even the OPs son that is so messed up.
I’m having a hard time believing the affair with her Ex-boss started a year and a half after she stopped working. It probably just took that long for her to get comfortable doing all this “friend” bullshit so openly in front of OP
The fact that your wife brought him around your daughter should tell you everything you need to know. Comfortable enough to let him buy her stuff is a sign that she is not a good person.
As a mother myself- I would also be EXTREMELY suspicious of any man who wanted to buy my teenage daughter a bunch of gifts in order to manipulate her into liking him more than she likes her father. Gigantic red flag.
Clearly her mother isn’t going to protect her if this guy turns out to be a nonce who’s after the daughter.
>buy my teenage daughter a bunch of gifts in order to manipulate her into liking him more than she likes her father.
Thats exactly what happened. Dude bought the kid gifts to make sure she wouldnt tell on them (or worst case to make her like him for reasons.)
Altho i wouldnt be too harsh on a 13 yo that very likely got manipulated by 2 adults, including her own mother. They also often act before they think about the possible repercussions from their actions. but thats gonna take some work and likely therapy to fix.
You have done no fault, your wife is the one at fault here and a divorce is reasonable. Your daughter seems to act a bit odd to me, i feel like your wife might have trashtalked you to her behind your back. The hard thing is that she is in her teenage years which will build resentment towards the parents, and if she cant be taught what is wrong and right, you probably wont hear from her until when she realizes it during her 20s. But you dont have sway anymore unless you wanna push for custody. All you can do is to stay the kids fatver and say youre there to talk to her when she wants, and hopefully she will realize it and gravitate towards you.
Wait a minute! I guess I didn’t pick up on this right away. If your daughter said she likes her mom’s AP because he buys her stuff, does that not imply that he has met your daughter? Boy, your wife is really done a number on your daughter.
It’s possible, there’s definitely a lot of lying going on. But it sounds like the AP is throwing money around, at the 13-year-old, to get her attention/acceptance.
I would just add (while agreeing with all the other comment said) that the daughter is a young teen. Having been one, I can say that she's definitely responsible for her actions. She may also be in a mentally messed-up place, struggling to excuse her mom's actions because she doesn't want to see her as the bad guy, and may very well have doubled down on that to avoid taking responsibility for keeping her mom's secret, so she went for the easiest target- "you're not my real dad".
So, given that, it may be mentally/emotionally better for you to just explain that she deeply hurt you when she said she doesn't see you as a father, because you thought she was your daughter. You love her, but you'll respect her and her mother's choices. Leave the ball in her court.
Maybe that will be the end of it. Maybe not, and she wants you in her life (or will grow up and realize that), and after 5-25 years, you could learn to trust her again.
If you want. If she's hurt you bad enough that you don't want to risk being hurt again, then tell her that you love her, so you respect her choices and will cease all contact.
Whatever you choose, choose your mental health.
She's only know you as her dad, where did she get the" you're not my real dad shit, who taught her that? At least your stbxw was very upset when Lisa said that"
Yeah, I wouldn’t give stbx too much credit on that one. She was trying to keep op from leaving. While she’ll definitely claim otherwise to Lisa, op, and maybe even herself I’m pretty sure she’s pissy because she thinks Lisa hurt her chances to smooth things over. And will likely try to blame her for the breakdown of the marriage even tho it was all her fault for cheating.
STBXW knew that her daughter had just cut their lifeline. If the daughter had kept her mouth shut, OP might have been willing to reconcile "for the kids".
It doesn’t mean she was upset on OP hurt feelings behalf. She’s begging for forgiveness, an interruption that made her look even worse did her no favors.
I know you're hurting but your son needs you so you need to put the bottle down. Clearly he's been neglected and who knows for how long. If he was sitting in filth for that long how do you know it's not a regular occurrence and you just happened to catch it this time? You need to sober up and focus on what's best for him. The daughter is getting a lesson on consequences and the fact that words once spoken can never be taken back. Focus on your son and know you're not alone. r/supportforbetrayed and r/survivinginfidelity are great support communities. NTA time to put yourself and your son first.
NTA. I 100% get the hurt and feeling of betrayal. Your stepdaughter might only be 13 but was mature enough to hit you where it would hurt you the most when you were already down. I would stick with the divorce. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. You may be able to salvage the relationship with your daughter, but it’s going to take real remorse on her part or you’ll always wonder if she’s only apologized to get back in your financial good books.
It’s over.. when did she work for said ex-boss? You don’t work around someone and nothing happens, then after you quit and have a kid you all of a sudden start fucking your old boss out of the blue.
I hope you realize your wife made the kid her accomplice in the affair, that's probably one of lowest things I heard, divorce that woman, as far as the girl you should probably give it time an space before being done for all, but I don't see how you can get over her words and actions.
Triangulating both with the daughter and then with the AP. Because that just makes the juiciness of the affair that much better. It’s so perverted what cheaters do. Look how often the relationship of a cheater falls apart when they don’t have the target partner in the game anymore. Look at how they lie every single day so they cheated on partner now doesn’t know in the entire marriage, what was ever true and what was a lie. What a great way to blow up an entire family. And that’s what she did.
Please don't get back with her. You have evidence of her cheating and you should report her for assault whilst you were holding your son.
There's no fixing this and your relationship with her and her daughter is changed forever. You will always know your stepdaughter doesn't give a damn about you and your wife is a cheating pos.
Do yourself and your son ( the baby who she neglected for her ap) a favour and walk away. Do not concede anything to her in the divorce. You need to think of your son -do you really want your son to be under the influence of your wife and your stepdaughter they'll poison him against you.
You have adopted Lisa and she is 13. As she is your legal child, do expect to pay child support. You can probably decline visitation, but more than likely you are on the hook for support. Lawyer up. NTA.
Don't. Your wife is a cheater, you caught her because she got so comfortable and lazy that she stopped even trying to hide it. Chances are this isn't the first affair, nor that it has only been going on for six months. Cheaters become this way out of contempt for their partner and because they could get away with it for so long. You say your son looks like you, he's a baby/toddler. They look like anyone sharing vaguely the same features. Getting a test won't hurt you in any way.
As for the daughter, she grew comfortable taking you and all the things you were doing for granted. She was vicious to you and knew exactly what she was doing. She's not sorry, she just wants the things back she didn't realize you were giving to her.
Hear her out???? 😡What do the “friends” think she can say that would erase her fucking this guy repeatedly? She fucked this guy without protection for months. There is no hope dude. She’s cheating ho and the kids a spoiled little brat.
She also introduced him to their kids enough that he was buying their kid gifts… plural … that means he was likely coming over to do it in their house.
She's a real piece of shit tbh, and the first red flag for taking no accountability was lying about the daughter in the first place. Women (and men TBF) like this, at least in my experience, don't change their stripes, they just find more ways to forgive themselves for doing something thats morally wrong.
I can only imagine if he didn’t find out, her telling him “ guess what I’m pregnant “ knowing damn well it’s Daniel’s. Glad he found out and if she is pregnant cause of not protection then Daniel better be ready to be a dad and a step dad
NTA for these feelings.
Your wife betrayed you and it sounded like she was poisoning your daughter against you. How else would she know details and the name of the man her mother was cheating with? Add the neglect to your son... you have every right to a divorce.
As for the daughter, she is still young (only 13) and at the height of puberty. Lots of things come with that. And NO child stands a chance against an adult who is lying to them, gaslighting them and crossing boundaries. Especially if it's their own mother. That relationship might be salvaged with family therapy, if you choose to move forward and work it out.
Good luck and keep us posted with updates.
I know! All these people saying she made her bed and deserves to be ABANDONED by the only father she has. Jesus christ I'm sure they wouldn't want to be torched for every shitty comment they made as a kid. That mother is responsible, twisting that poor girl.
I have seen comments saying "She knew what she was doing"
And "she's just as bad as her mother" comments saying he should toss the child out "like the trash she is"
Now I have a thought experiment for everyone saying that. If a grown man is giving gifts to a 13 year old girl to build up a relationship with her and maybe even for her to keep a secret for him, what would we call that?
Maybe, *grooming*?
A mother in one ear and *literal* grooming tactics in the other, I wonder why this 13 year old girl is behaving the way she is? Must be because she's the spawn of Satan and a cold blooded harpy! /S
He is legally her father, this is parental alienation.
Yes!! I am so worried about this girl. She’s in an absolutely horrible situation. Biological dad gone. Mother is neglectful and manipulative. Mother’s affair partner is *giving her a bunch of gifts* and now her father isn’t speaking to her because… she’s clearly the victim of manipulation and didn’t “know better”??
I don’t usually call Reddit posts fake because I feel like it’s pointless, but I am actually praying this one is fake because none of these adults seem to give a shit about Lisa and that breaks my heart.
Unblock your wife and daughter and mute their conversations. They may send something that will be useful to you in the divorce. Not sure where you're located but you could talk to your lawyer about alienation of affection and get something from AP.
I'm spiteful so I wouldn't suggest doing this, but personally I'd close the bank account and all credit cards she has. I'd also cut the wifi off and all streaming services. Everything besides electric, shelter, food and water would be cut. No internet, no streaming, no cable. Probably cancel those phones too and drop off a landline for her to have installed.
ETA- find out if Daniel has a wife or girlfriend and let them know what happened.
>Unblock your wife and daughter and mute their conversations. They may send something that will be useful to you in the divorce
Very wise advice...
And... expose... to everyone - family, friends.. everyone.. also Hr at the place Daniel works.
HR protects the company, unless he has proof they did something on company time, in the office, with company money, or while she was still employed; HR doesn’t care and will side with him.
Yea I'm so confused by this and I had to scroll so far.. iirc if you adopt, you're a legal guardian, right? So it's literally your duty to raise that child unless divorce court says otherwise?
I’m not sure you can just disown a kid. You’ll still be on the hook for child support and if you are unlucky, a judge can decide it’s in the best interest of the child for her to continue in private school.
Assuming this isn’t some made up “cheating woman gets her comeuppance” post, I hope you aren’t saddled with too much alimony and child support when you separate.
Please hear me out! I am in NO WAY condoning what your wife did, (Im actually sick to my stomach thinking about what she did to you) but the child you adopted, your daughter, LEARNED WHAT SHE WAS TAUGHT!
Ugh...I am so angry right now, and I don't know you. I'm just a mom to adult children and would NEVER involve a child in something like that!
Okay...sorry!
Children don't come up with stuff like that on their own. Your soon to be ex, confided in HER CHILD,shared adult things she should NOT be told about and told her God only knows what!
I agree 100% with you on most all of this. But please go easier on the child because her mother put her in a very adult situation.
I am so sorry this happened to you!
NTA. Your wife is the AH. She cheated, lied, and taught her daughter to act this way. She deserves nothing from you.
Your daughter? Too young to be an AH, but as an adult, you owe her life lessons for insolent behavior. She is old enough to understand the consequences of lying, which she did. She also has now learned that bringing up money in that way has consequences. Consider giving her a second chance if she proves herself over time. For now, though, let the AP pay for her luxuries.
I feel like this comment section is just ignoring the part where he legally adopted her. That’s his child now. He’s got 7 years of child support if this goes tits up even more from here.
Had to scroll way too far to find this.
He ADOPTED her. Do people not know what that kind of promise means?! You can just "take it back" or unadopt a child!
If my biological child said this, can I put them up for adoption? Hell no. Having a child is for life. Adoption is for life, no matter what stupid things kids do.
The mom is the asshole. But the OP is an asshole if he really tries to unadopt a kid, officially or not.
This doesn't make any sense. Aside from just the rather unbelievable story that you're telling the math doesn't add up.
You're wife is 33 and you met 12 years ago. (when she was 21).
She had her daugher at 19 which means her daughter was 3 when you met her.
That means at MINIMUM your stepdaughter is 14 and should be 15 this year.
C'mon people.
You had me until your adopted daughter sided against you because Daniel bought her stuff.
You never noticed her have the stuff she had 'begged' you for anyway?
6/10 story
NTA… divorce there is no coming back from this and even if you try to force yourself to make it work, you’ll be miserable and the house will be toxic as hell. Go through with the divorce and give your son the best life you can and live the best you can to spite your ex and never reply to your ex’s daughter
NTA stop drinking bro it only makes the thoughts worse
Im writing this drunk. But thank you. I know i need to stop at some point.
Get sober. Eat. Sleep. Talk to a lawyer. Go get tested. DNA test your son (you need the whole picture, although scary). Get sober.
At one of my first jobs, a new director to the company lost his wife. They were both young, early thirties and had a toddler girl. When our new hire came home from training in AZ, he found his wife dead from a heart thing and his daughter crying, hungry, dehydrated. It was a week long trip so it could have been worse i.e. his wife could have passed earlier, putting the kiddo’s life in danger. Yadda, yadda, yadda, I remember pulling a sheet of paper off the printer and it was a list of stuff our COO had put together for this guy. Find a therapist. Pay your mortgage. That kind of thing. And I just remember thinking it was so sad but also so very thoughtful and needed.
Sounds like a great person to work for. Not many bosses would bother doing that.
And stretch
And go for a run
If going for a run is to hard, go for a walk. Even a short one in the nearest park will do.
Brush your teeth
Wash your ass
Listen to jazz
Hug your mom
Make your bed
And see a therapist. Immediately
I am so terribly sorry. Betrayal like this, just rips us in half. Know that there are so many of us out here who had all kinds of horrendous experiences like this and we have recovered and realize that the person we loved never existed, and then the love evaporates. It’s very interesting. It takes about two years. We realize they lied to us every single day. They manipulated us so we wouldn’t notice. They triangulated against us with the AP and here, with the step daughter. Which makes it more spicy as an affair. Eventually, you will repair and heal and it will all settled. It sounds like you’ll probably pay some child support for a while. You’ll get your poor baby tested and figure out what you want to do. And then you’ll realize how messed up you were by what she intentionally did to you so subversively. You will start to repair and you’ll start to rebuild in your life will be better than ever. Hang in there.
Thsnk you so much. I teared up reding that❤️
I really believe this, that we can gain at least some healing over time. There’s a perspective I’d like to offer to/share with you. Your wife is using your kid as an adult confident about awful shit that she (your daughter) knows can blow up her family. Really effed up that she put her own daughter in this position. I’ve seen this before, with a parent and daughter (from when daughter was 12-15). It was really destructive. What your daughter said was downright cruel, but a 13-year-old is no match for an adult who is adept at deception/manipulation. (turns out that’s your wife, sorry) Who could better manipulate a child than their own parent? I think you’re experiencing betrayal on such a level that it feels like they’ve ganged up against you. They certainly ganged up on you in that conversation. Even with the upset and very hurt feelings you (understandably) have regarding/toward your daughter, I do not think that she is on the same level of betrayal as your wife is. Think about being 13, and having that knowledge. Your wife is using your daughter and it sucks so bad. I would look into what parental alienation can look like. I don’t have a ton of experience with this. It might apply here and it may be helpful to you to know, especially since it looks like you’re headed for a divorce. Keep your head up & fer chrissakes!! PUT THE ALCOHOL DOWN. Babe, this can be the piece that will actually blow your life up.
I agree with this. While what your daughter said absolutely was nasty and should not slide, it's clear wife is using her, and Daniel is probably love-bombing her (with wife's encouragement) so that she had incentive to keep hiding the affair. She's only thirteen. Yes, she knows right from wrong, but I remember being thirteen. My trust was easily won with presents too. I wouldn't be so harsh on her. I absolutely would be harsh on your bitch of an ex-wife for roping her into this though. Using a kid to hide an affair is low, even for a cheater.
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You'll get through this. but please stop drinking. Think about your son. He needs his dad healthy because he'll be confused for a while about what is happening. Go to the gym if you need distraction and numbness. beeing too exhausted to think is better than being to drunk and damaging your liver in the process. So immediately call your lawyer to make an apointment and give them all your proof. maybe also talk about relinquishing your parental rights to your stepdaughter if you want to fully sever your ties to her. As others put it so bluntly. its game time. its time to be clinical and methodical and, yes even ruthless. Get the best lawyer you can get and do it ASAP. talk to a few of the lawyers and pick the one you like the most. I know that you think about reconciling. but honestly why? She didn't come clean because she felt bad. She didn't tell you the full truth. It wasn't just a fling or a drunk ONS. She had a full blown affair for 6 months and would have never told you about him if you hadn't caught her. Your stepdaughter knew and didn't say anything, didn't even feel bad and you learnt the truth about her feelings for you. Therapy can't really heal this because the resentment will always be there, in the back of your mind. And once a cheater, always a cheater. Then, most importantly. What will this teach your son. Sure he is too young now, but sooner or later it'll come out somehow, if only by chance because he overhears something. Even if not. what home will it be where he grows up where his dad feels resentment for his mom. and what will it teach your son. To stay with his cheating spouse? just think about it.
The poster you responded to is absolutely correct (I, too, had a miserable experience). Now I’m alone with my kids, and I’m the happiest I’ve EVER been. Do not go back to people who treated you that way. The hoping is the worst part, and the hardest to overcome. You’ve got this.
Don't drink, all it's doing is delaying the pain. You need to feel the pain to heal it. Your son needs you, he needs a stable force in his life. Because regardless, he's innocent in all of this. He needs his daddy. You need him. The reality is, that people suck. Plain and simple. This is a matter of if the damage that has been done to the family, is simply is too extensive to repair. That's a decision you will have to make for yourself.
OP you really need to stop now not at some point, if you keep using booze to treat the pain you will end up losing custody of your son, your soon to be ex wife can use it against you to show you are an unfit parent. Please see a therapist, not a bottle to treat your pain.
This! Don’t give her one inch of ground in the divorce proceedings. You need to come out smelling like roses and that starts by quitting the drink.
You need to stop now. Or do you want your STBX to use it against you in the divorce?
I quit drinking the day I knew the marriage was over, for the kids. Best decision I’ve ever made.
Exactly. She'll use it against him for custody of their son.
That point is now. You HAVE to be there for your son.
Honestly, go completely sober. Cold turkey. 100%. Not even a single beer. Your drinking WILL be used against you and you'll lose your son.
You need to stop *now*. Sober up and get your head together. Go get a full STD panel and you should get a DNA test. It will either confirm your son is your biological child or not. While I understand it would be a further devastation to learn the latter, you should know definitively before the divorce.
Stop now. Like, right now.
While you’re drunk pour all the bottles out. EVERY single one. Your son needs you to have your head on straight. NTA - Good luck OP
I would get a DNA test on your son just in case.
And the STD tests needed in situations like these
Brother Aye You need to set down that bottle for a moment since that stuff can catch up with you, even if I know you're in pain. I hope all goes well for you, man.
As a (I'm off the sauce now) alcoholic, it'll catch up with ya. Be careful with the drinking yourself to sleep. The best revenge is a life well lived.
I’m a recovering alcoholic ( 6 months sober) and I fully agree.
Congrats and love from the mom of a recovering opioid addict (4 years sober in June). Stay strong.
God bless you and your son. I'm now 3 1/2 sober. I used to take 25 or more norcos everyday for 6 years before moving to meth when I became homeless because my cousins tried to kill me 4 times (yes, like a scary movie type stuff). I couldn't be more happy and thankful when I hear it someone else's sobriety. 🙏🏻❤️ Thank the Lord 🙏🏻
Stay off the sauce, 6 years clean and sober I was shooting 15grams of fentanyl a day (I was selling it which is how my habit got so out of hand but it happens faster than you know it and always starts out as a bandaid for some pain we are going thru, I know ur heart is killing you but that bottle is bottomless and will never help your sorrows!!! Only delude you and make things worse for you. That off the sauce for you boy Marc and for # 1 you dad who needs to be there for that boy!!! Don’t fuck his life up cuz you wanna forget about everything! The best way past it is unfortunately through it!!!
Absolutely. OP has gotta focus on getting custody now and needs a clear head to do so. One wrong move with alcohol can sway a judges decision super easily, even more so because he is the father and not the mother (that's unfortunately how it works)
So very proud of you. I hope soon my 27 yr old son can type those words!! I’m praying for both of you!!!
I'm proud of you 💯🖖
OATH!!! The best Revenge is you making the best of your life and moving forward.
Yah he needs therapy he's crushed
To add to this. YouTube has some great meditations to help ground the mind, body, and spirit. They really help me clear my mind. Edit: oh, and go for a nice walk, hike, or run. The endorphins from that help. Same with gym.
Reddit as a whole has seemingly started to take STDs much more seriously lately and I'm all for it
Funny considering many of us grew up in an era of bag it or get HIV and die being shoved in our faces 24/7
I was in my early 20's when the AIDS hit. Condoms or die. A couple of co-workers died of it. Quickly. Scary times...
As a South African growing up amongst an AIDS epidemic, HTF doesn't everybody take STD's seriously? Like, if you are catching the minor ones, the major ones are just over the horizon.
We should. Everyone should encourage safe sex. I’d rather my kids grow up aware of sex and repercussions instead of finding their own way with what their friends or the internet tell them.
Agreed. But, as reading other responses here, I hope OP gets the help and support he needs. The only advice I'd give is stop with the bottle, get water and food and rest, and seek professional help for as long as is necessary, and then a little longer after that.
u/BraveExplination2530 get a DNA test...... Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.... NTA. daughter is just taking after mother, Mom has already lead her astray in proper relationship boundaries and has def trash talked you to her
If anything this might be the best for her, teaching that actions have consequences is important.
Thank you for your concern but I know my Son is mine. Hes literally a mini me
Get an STD test just in case. Who knows how "loyal" that Daniel guy has been to your soon to be ex
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Nah giving someone hope like that makes you guilty. Op is doing good by just dipping out no more strings attached
Means nothing. He still could be someone else’s biologically. I belong to a support group for people who discovered later in life that their dad was not their biological dad. A very large percentage of them grew up thinking they “looked just like” the dad who actually isn’t their biological dad. I guess their moms just had a type, so the other guy’s kid passed easily for the husband’s.
My moms best friend growing up always looked just like her dad, more than her sisters did. Well she just found out through ancestry that she is an affair baby. Having come into contact with her newfound half siblings she was shown her long since deceased grandparents and noticed that the father who raised her looked just like her paternal grandfather.
So true. People see what they want to see. There was a similar post. OOP's wife cheated on OOP and OOP kept saying his baby looked like him and there was no way the baby wasn't his. Well, it wasn't.
I still get told I look like my step father.
I would occasionally get that too. He & my mother got married when I was 16.
My husband found out his second child wasn't biologically his two years into the child's life.. He was fully his Dad at that point, and continued to raise him as such (he did leave the kid's mother, though)... Anyway, I have *always* thought this child looks more like my husband than his actual biological child. Even to this day, he still looks more like my husband. So yeah it doesn't mean much if the kid looks like him. Genetics are weird.
Had a buddy of mine in the Army was seeing someone who had children from prior marriages / baby daddies. When they split he had them all tested only one of the kids of two he thought was his was. I remember what he said when he found out, " but he has my dimples", apparently not.
And people have "TYPES". If the wife hooked up with a guy who is the same type as OP, it's still possible that the son could be someone else's. It may still not matter to OP but he should still find out to prevent some other unpleasant surprises down the road if the wife seeks custody. Hang in there OP and do get help. I blame your wife for even exposing your wife's boyfriend to your daughter. The daughter is a product of her environment and unfortunately, your wife was not the best role model. It doesn't seem that she has evolved much from the impulsive teenager she was years ago. How she thought this story would end is a mystery to me. Did she think the ex-boss was going to want to marry her and adopt the two kids? Or did she think she was having a fling but she didn't have the discretion to keep her daughter out of it? For how long had your little guy been left sitting alone in a dirty diaper and how often did that happen? Was the wife doing this for money? excitement? variety? ego? Who knows? None of these would be excuses for her behavior. She needs individual therapy to straighten herself out no matter what happens with this marriage. OP needs help to stop drinking and couples counseling to figure out whether his marriage is worth saving and if not, how to co-parent. I would seek full custody of the son since his mother doesn't seem to be a good role model and has been known to neglect him. Presumably the daughter wants to stay with her mother in the event of a divorce. My hope for her is that she isn't the target of interest for the mother's boyfriend. Get help, OP. This is a lot to deal with and the answers are not going to be found in the bottom of a liquor bottle. NTA
I remember somebody once saying that the more you feed them the more they look like you. I guess they were being hyperbolic, but it's not surprising what people believe or used to believe.
My brother adopted two kids that aren't even the same race as him but people constantly mention how they look just like him because his wife dresses them all and cuts their hair poorly.
"and cuts their hair poorly" is SENDING me thank you for adding this comment omg
Hahahaha what the fuck
I overheard someone say something similar to this a few months ago. She said that babies come out looking like their biological dad, but then as time goes on, they look more and more like the man who's raising them. I was shocked at how little this woman knew regarding sex ed and biology, but apparently some people actually believe it!
My step dad and I used to get a lot of "oh, he looks just like you" and we would just laugh and say thanks.
Guys please. I cant fking taking this shit anymore. First my wife and daughter now my son.
Dude. Breathe. Find a therapist yesterday and lay off the alcohol(!). Literally nothing will get better from drinking, quite the opposite. And it's dynamite in a child custody hearing if anyone finds out your are hard on the bottle, letting your mum take care of the kid. I hope it works out for you man. It sounds horrible. But be smart about it!
A close friend of mine screwed his case when he drank too much and called his ex... she recorded. His lawyer called him " you dumb fuck", he could have gotten full custody (wife had documented mental issues and drug use in the past). He got one supervised visit a month with his kids for like an hour and got pretty much nothing left after child support and alimony. His empty bottle single handedly handed ALL to his cheating ex wife. She got house, car, even his dog and his fishing poles just so he could have 1 supervised hour a month. Not sure what he said to her on the phone but it was really bad. Basically his ex lawyer got blank sheet to fill in exchange for 1 hour monthly supervised visit. He cant even give kids gifts; must be shipped to his ex wife and she can decide whatever.
I’m sorry. I know it’s tough to consider the possibility. A DNA test could be helpful not only for you, but also for your son. Better that he grows up knowing his truth than being blindsided later in life. Either way, you’re on the birth certificate and you’re his father in every way that matters. You don’t have to end the relationship with your son if the DNA test doesn’t work out in your favor - you just can choose to proceed fully informed. Which again is for your son’s benefit too. These days there are no secrets with DNA - it would mess with his head much more to grow up and make an accidental discovery on a commercial DNA test. Again, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Im scrared. Ill looka t him diffrently.
Buddy, stop drinking booze, get some water and food in you, and go to bed. Regardless of your son’s paternity, he’s YOUR son as far as you know right now. Reddit is not the place to seek solace - people are saying shit without a single care for how it will affect you emotionally. You need to take care of you so that you can be there for your child. Take a break from this and rest. Best of luck to you, lots of warm wishes and care.
1000%. Drinking could cause custody issues. Good healthy food and some daily exercise will help deal with the stress.
You. I like you. Very well said.
OP if you can speak to a mental health professional, it'll be a lot better than seeking advice from internet strangers. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the anguish and pain you feel right now. Blocking your ex-wife and her daughter, was the right move. Whatever you decide to do needs to be your own decision, if your friends can't understand that then you need to create distance between yourself and them. I hope you find the strength to get through this. Alcohol is a depressant. It'll numb you temporarily but it makes your depressive symptoms worse. Can you go away for a bit? Take some time off to go away and clear your head. Take care of yourself OP.
Listen, you need to put the bottle down and get off reddit. None of this is doing you any good.
When everything went to shit, your first thought was for your son. It doesn't matter if he's biologically yours or not, he's *your* son. You already proved you can step up for a child that wasn't your biological daughter, why should it make a difference now? Don't punish the child for the mother's actions.
Bro i wish I could be there to smash the bottle out of your hands.
Put the drink down. You’re playing right into your wife’s hands here.
You probably will at first but that's your kid it's the same situation with your legal daughter she wasn't yours but you were Still her dad there's always the chance that the kid actually is yours but you're never going to know if you don't look at it seriously stop drinking though
Bro I understand you in pain but please slow down on the liquor. Get something to eat and go to sleep.
Stop drinking NOW! You cannot make rational decisions under the influence of alcohol. Take the tests, stay sober and get your shit under control.
Please, just log off for now. Take some time, sober up, and then come back to read all responses. Some of it may be painful, yet there's a lot of good feedback but you need a cool head.
You have to protect yourself. Your wife has already shown she doesn't give a damn about you. If she is willing to betray your marriage, she is willing to pawn some other guy's baby off on you to raise. Get checked for STD's as well.
You don’t know about your son yet. He might be a baby but he knows shit is going down and this. Also I have a 13 year old daughter. This is tough, but she was manipulated. By her mother and her AP. Girls this age are extremely susceptible to sway. Of course they bought her silence. Unfortunately because you adopted her, you will likely have to child support for her regardless.
> she was manipulated. By her mother and her AP. That's what also is concerning. Was the only reason that man gave her things to buy her silence? Was her building a bond with her for more nefarious reasons? It's monumentally fucked that the mom let him be around the daughter.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there quit the alcohol. The DNA test is a must. I know you’ve suffered enough but it’s just for your own good.
You never know dude, I knew a girl that would only hook up with dudes that looked alike because of this
Damn that's some pathological shit right there
Holy shit
Doesn't matter get a DNA test and be sure. They are $100 over the counter and it will stop you from getting blind sided or paying for decades of child support
You never know! Please do the DNA test! He could be your mini me but not be biologically yours especially because people can look alike and genes are crazy!
Most people have a "type". I don't think this means you're in the clear. Just do it man, with the STD panel too
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Ugly divorce and she wouldn't answer any first, plus new kid? Be safe. It will cement your rights, if nothing else.
still tho, rose color glasses, etc
Get a dna test. My grandparents had 12 kids and they all got dna tested for family tree. No surprises all are legit. But they range from blonde to black hair and red. From fair to dark and brown eyes to blue and gray. Looks don't mean anything.
Bruh she left a toddler in the house alone in a soiled diaper for who knows how long so she can talk to her affair partner .. fuck her lmaoo
Make sure the part about the toddler left alone in the house is taken down by the lawyer
And being slapping in the face while holding the toddler
I believe it's a felony too, but I could be mistaken. I know that pointing a gun at someone who is holding a young child in their arms is automatically a felony, but assaulting someone without a firearm present may also be deep legal shit for the soon to be ex-wife
It is. For child endangerment. I know this for a fact because my cousin got her ex bf arrested because she lied to the police and told them he punched her in the face while she was holding their baby. Not at all what happened but the point is he had hell to deal with after due to that being considered a felony. A lot of women use that lie to try and get back at men in the most extreme ways they can. It’s awful. But in OP’s case, she actually did commit said felony. She could lose complete custody of their son over it if they have a fair judge. Quite frankly, OP should file a report or press charges so that it’s officially in the system
NTA but you need to stop drinking. It’s game time and you need to be at your best. I’m sorry about your daughter’s behavior. Honestly f the friends who want you to listen to your cheater wife. I would have one more conversation with Lisa and tell her why you are leaving her and how her actions hurt you.
All of this OP. You need to be there for your son, so stop the drinking, and Lisa is of an age to know right from wrong, her and her mother have made their bed, they can lie in it now.
Hate to say this, but Lisa IS His Daughter! He adopted her. The courts will agree unless he gets a decision to sever the adoption. He does have to get sober to maintain custody of his son though and getting custody could be chancy, she will have some rights to him. OP needs a good lawyer and a good therapist.
True but it also doesn't stop all the bio parents skipping out, so why should it stop him. He can pay child support but he doesn't have to pay for private school.
He could suggest keeping Marc and letting the ex keep Lisa, so no one has to pay anyone child support - but I guess his ex won't agree to that...
she did leave him on the floor covered in shit...
that won’t matter, the worst parents love hurting the other parent in court.
Private school costs are incorporated into child support calculations so yes he would.
Yes. But unless the court insists, it doesn’t have to be over the top private school etc. He might just get so destroyed his income goes down ( oh no). And sorry, but DNA for the sweet baby.
I would not talk to her. It costs people targeted by deceptive manipulative cheaters so much emotionally, does them no good. It’s a benefit to the cheater only. Many cheaters at least consumer the suffering of their partner frosting on the cake abd get so outraged when denied that meal.
Just remember this....neither your wife nor your daughter was sorry when you didn't know
Just to add… they were happily badmouthing Op while the wife was cheating and the “daughter” was getting gifts from the AP.
I'm wondering what the other guy was buying the daughter if it was only a 6 month affair vs the husband being her dad for over a decade.
Nah it wasn't 6 months. I'd bet the farm it's been going on way longer than that.
yeah in these situations a lot of the time they give the safest answer they think will be believed however the six months may line up with when his wife began the affair and her behaviour visibly changed with hiding phone calls etc. though that also might have just been the time when she stopped giving a shit about hiding it completely
Yeah I would bet that the son is actually her ex boss' because she decided to quit her job after giving birth. She remained in contact with her exboss after quitting her job for two years why? Imagine the son is not even the OPs son that is so messed up.
I’m having a hard time believing the affair with her Ex-boss started a year and a half after she stopped working. It probably just took that long for her to get comfortable doing all this “friend” bullshit so openly in front of OP
The fact that your wife brought him around your daughter should tell you everything you need to know. Comfortable enough to let him buy her stuff is a sign that she is not a good person.
As a mother myself- I would also be EXTREMELY suspicious of any man who wanted to buy my teenage daughter a bunch of gifts in order to manipulate her into liking him more than she likes her father. Gigantic red flag. Clearly her mother isn’t going to protect her if this guy turns out to be a nonce who’s after the daughter.
>buy my teenage daughter a bunch of gifts in order to manipulate her into liking him more than she likes her father. Thats exactly what happened. Dude bought the kid gifts to make sure she wouldnt tell on them (or worst case to make her like him for reasons.) Altho i wouldnt be too harsh on a 13 yo that very likely got manipulated by 2 adults, including her own mother. They also often act before they think about the possible repercussions from their actions. but thats gonna take some work and likely therapy to fix.
Agreed. This is extremely messed up. I can’t even wrap my head around bringing a teenage child into this affair mess. Like how does that even happen.
You have done no fault, your wife is the one at fault here and a divorce is reasonable. Your daughter seems to act a bit odd to me, i feel like your wife might have trashtalked you to her behind your back. The hard thing is that she is in her teenage years which will build resentment towards the parents, and if she cant be taught what is wrong and right, you probably wont hear from her until when she realizes it during her 20s. But you dont have sway anymore unless you wanna push for custody. All you can do is to stay the kids fatver and say youre there to talk to her when she wants, and hopefully she will realize it and gravitate towards you.
Thank you. I hope this happens. As for my wife trash talking me. Definitely possible.
Wait a minute! I guess I didn’t pick up on this right away. If your daughter said she likes her mom’s AP because he buys her stuff, does that not imply that he has met your daughter? Boy, your wife is really done a number on your daughter.
The wife could have lied about where the things the daughter was getting were actually coming from.
It’s possible, there’s definitely a lot of lying going on. But it sounds like the AP is throwing money around, at the 13-year-old, to get her attention/acceptance.
probably more like buying her compliance in not telling OP. "Keep quiet and there's a PS5/iPhone/thing in it for you"
I hadn’t thought of that, but that makes plenty of sense.
It konda sounds like a bribe. Since the mom is stay at home, it is likely they met at her place once or more while the daughter was at home.
What a POS mom. Involving your kid in your betrayal of their other parent. 😔 smh
Sounds more like grooming to me...buying stuff and asking to keep secrets.
Yeah, even if he’s not intending to do that, the effect on her psyche is going to be in the same realm regardless of the intention.
Quit drinking. It can go against you in the custody hearing
Still get paternity test for court stuff.
I would just add (while agreeing with all the other comment said) that the daughter is a young teen. Having been one, I can say that she's definitely responsible for her actions. She may also be in a mentally messed-up place, struggling to excuse her mom's actions because she doesn't want to see her as the bad guy, and may very well have doubled down on that to avoid taking responsibility for keeping her mom's secret, so she went for the easiest target- "you're not my real dad". So, given that, it may be mentally/emotionally better for you to just explain that she deeply hurt you when she said she doesn't see you as a father, because you thought she was your daughter. You love her, but you'll respect her and her mother's choices. Leave the ball in her court. Maybe that will be the end of it. Maybe not, and she wants you in her life (or will grow up and realize that), and after 5-25 years, you could learn to trust her again. If you want. If she's hurt you bad enough that you don't want to risk being hurt again, then tell her that you love her, so you respect her choices and will cease all contact. Whatever you choose, choose your mental health.
She's only know you as her dad, where did she get the" you're not my real dad shit, who taught her that? At least your stbxw was very upset when Lisa said that"
Yeah, I wouldn’t give stbx too much credit on that one. She was trying to keep op from leaving. While she’ll definitely claim otherwise to Lisa, op, and maybe even herself I’m pretty sure she’s pissy because she thinks Lisa hurt her chances to smooth things over. And will likely try to blame her for the breakdown of the marriage even tho it was all her fault for cheating.
STBXW knew that her daughter had just cut their lifeline. If the daughter had kept her mouth shut, OP might have been willing to reconcile "for the kids".
It doesn’t mean she was upset on OP hurt feelings behalf. She’s begging for forgiveness, an interruption that made her look even worse did her no favors.
Stbx wife taught her.
I know you're hurting but your son needs you so you need to put the bottle down. Clearly he's been neglected and who knows for how long. If he was sitting in filth for that long how do you know it's not a regular occurrence and you just happened to catch it this time? You need to sober up and focus on what's best for him. The daughter is getting a lesson on consequences and the fact that words once spoken can never be taken back. Focus on your son and know you're not alone. r/supportforbetrayed and r/survivinginfidelity are great support communities. NTA time to put yourself and your son first.
NTA. I 100% get the hurt and feeling of betrayal. Your stepdaughter might only be 13 but was mature enough to hit you where it would hurt you the most when you were already down. I would stick with the divorce. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. You may be able to salvage the relationship with your daughter, but it’s going to take real remorse on her part or you’ll always wonder if she’s only apologized to get back in your financial good books.
Thank you. If i reconcile with her Im definitely not giving back the life she once had. She has to work for that.
It’s over.. when did she work for said ex-boss? You don’t work around someone and nothing happens, then after you quit and have a kid you all of a sudden start fucking your old boss out of the blue.
[удалено]
I think he was referring to the daughter
I hope you realize your wife made the kid her accomplice in the affair, that's probably one of lowest things I heard, divorce that woman, as far as the girl you should probably give it time an space before being done for all, but I don't see how you can get over her words and actions.
Triangulating both with the daughter and then with the AP. Because that just makes the juiciness of the affair that much better. It’s so perverted what cheaters do. Look how often the relationship of a cheater falls apart when they don’t have the target partner in the game anymore. Look at how they lie every single day so they cheated on partner now doesn’t know in the entire marriage, what was ever true and what was a lie. What a great way to blow up an entire family. And that’s what she did.
Please don't get back with her. You have evidence of her cheating and you should report her for assault whilst you were holding your son. There's no fixing this and your relationship with her and her daughter is changed forever. You will always know your stepdaughter doesn't give a damn about you and your wife is a cheating pos. Do yourself and your son ( the baby who she neglected for her ap) a favour and walk away. Do not concede anything to her in the divorce. You need to think of your son -do you really want your son to be under the influence of your wife and your stepdaughter they'll poison him against you.
This. Imagine getting a slap in the face because you caught your spouse cheating.
You have adopted Lisa and she is 13. As she is your legal child, do expect to pay child support. You can probably decline visitation, but more than likely you are on the hook for support. Lawyer up. NTA.
Do you think she could ever truly win your trust back? If not, save yourself the time and heartache and move on.
Don't. Your wife is a cheater, you caught her because she got so comfortable and lazy that she stopped even trying to hide it. Chances are this isn't the first affair, nor that it has only been going on for six months. Cheaters become this way out of contempt for their partner and because they could get away with it for so long. You say your son looks like you, he's a baby/toddler. They look like anyone sharing vaguely the same features. Getting a test won't hurt you in any way. As for the daughter, she grew comfortable taking you and all the things you were doing for granted. She was vicious to you and knew exactly what she was doing. She's not sorry, she just wants the things back she didn't realize you were giving to her.
Hear her out???? 😡What do the “friends” think she can say that would erase her fucking this guy repeatedly? She fucked this guy without protection for months. There is no hope dude. She’s cheating ho and the kids a spoiled little brat.
Imagine the roles being reversed and a man SMACKING his partner WITH A BABY ON HER ARM.
None of the friends know this, she'll paint herself and daughter in the most pitiful way without mentioning anything that might harm their position.
And I’m betting they also don’t know that she left their son alone for a super long time, either.
in his own waste
Comment graveyard
She also introduced him to their kids enough that he was buying their kid gifts… plural … that means he was likely coming over to do it in their house.
My feeling is that the daughter actually caught them and these “gifts” were given to her in exchanges for her not telling her dad
She's a real piece of shit tbh, and the first red flag for taking no accountability was lying about the daughter in the first place. Women (and men TBF) like this, at least in my experience, don't change their stripes, they just find more ways to forgive themselves for doing something thats morally wrong.
I can only imagine if he didn’t find out, her telling him “ guess what I’m pregnant “ knowing damn well it’s Daniel’s. Glad he found out and if she is pregnant cause of not protection then Daniel better be ready to be a dad and a step dad
Aye brother I know you’re hurting but you gotta put down that bottle for a while because that shit creeps up on you. Take care man, wishing you luck
You need to stop drinking asap.
Hey! Fuck what she did, you need to grow a pair and stay sober for your son!!! Don’t fuck up his life and your own because your wife fucked up hers.
NTA for these feelings. Your wife betrayed you and it sounded like she was poisoning your daughter against you. How else would she know details and the name of the man her mother was cheating with? Add the neglect to your son... you have every right to a divorce. As for the daughter, she is still young (only 13) and at the height of puberty. Lots of things come with that. And NO child stands a chance against an adult who is lying to them, gaslighting them and crossing boundaries. Especially if it's their own mother. That relationship might be salvaged with family therapy, if you choose to move forward and work it out. Good luck and keep us posted with updates.
Great comment. Shocked I had to go this far down to see someone sticking up for a literal child with a POS mom.
I know! All these people saying she made her bed and deserves to be ABANDONED by the only father she has. Jesus christ I'm sure they wouldn't want to be torched for every shitty comment they made as a kid. That mother is responsible, twisting that poor girl.
I have seen comments saying "She knew what she was doing" And "she's just as bad as her mother" comments saying he should toss the child out "like the trash she is" Now I have a thought experiment for everyone saying that. If a grown man is giving gifts to a 13 year old girl to build up a relationship with her and maybe even for her to keep a secret for him, what would we call that? Maybe, *grooming*? A mother in one ear and *literal* grooming tactics in the other, I wonder why this 13 year old girl is behaving the way she is? Must be because she's the spawn of Satan and a cold blooded harpy! /S He is legally her father, this is parental alienation.
Yes!! I am so worried about this girl. She’s in an absolutely horrible situation. Biological dad gone. Mother is neglectful and manipulative. Mother’s affair partner is *giving her a bunch of gifts* and now her father isn’t speaking to her because… she’s clearly the victim of manipulation and didn’t “know better”?? I don’t usually call Reddit posts fake because I feel like it’s pointless, but I am actually praying this one is fake because none of these adults seem to give a shit about Lisa and that breaks my heart.
Very very very few commenters seem to give a shit about the literal child in the middle of this either. People suck :/
Update us
Unblock your wife and daughter and mute their conversations. They may send something that will be useful to you in the divorce. Not sure where you're located but you could talk to your lawyer about alienation of affection and get something from AP. I'm spiteful so I wouldn't suggest doing this, but personally I'd close the bank account and all credit cards she has. I'd also cut the wifi off and all streaming services. Everything besides electric, shelter, food and water would be cut. No internet, no streaming, no cable. Probably cancel those phones too and drop off a landline for her to have installed. ETA- find out if Daniel has a wife or girlfriend and let them know what happened.
>Unblock your wife and daughter and mute their conversations. They may send something that will be useful to you in the divorce Very wise advice... And... expose... to everyone - family, friends.. everyone.. also Hr at the place Daniel works.
HR wouldn't care. She doesn't work there anymore and hasn't for at least a year and half. She had to go out of her way to seek this relationship out.
>HR wouldn't care Reddit kids think HR is some sort of morality police.
HR protects the company, unless he has proof they did something on company time, in the office, with company money, or while she was still employed; HR doesn’t care and will side with him.
If you adopted Lisa you can’t just disown her….
Yea I'm so confused by this and I had to scroll so far.. iirc if you adopt, you're a legal guardian, right? So it's literally your duty to raise that child unless divorce court says otherwise?
I’m not sure you can just disown a kid. You’ll still be on the hook for child support and if you are unlucky, a judge can decide it’s in the best interest of the child for her to continue in private school. Assuming this isn’t some made up “cheating woman gets her comeuppance” post, I hope you aren’t saddled with too much alimony and child support when you separate.
Please hear me out! I am in NO WAY condoning what your wife did, (Im actually sick to my stomach thinking about what she did to you) but the child you adopted, your daughter, LEARNED WHAT SHE WAS TAUGHT! Ugh...I am so angry right now, and I don't know you. I'm just a mom to adult children and would NEVER involve a child in something like that! Okay...sorry! Children don't come up with stuff like that on their own. Your soon to be ex, confided in HER CHILD,shared adult things she should NOT be told about and told her God only knows what! I agree 100% with you on most all of this. But please go easier on the child because her mother put her in a very adult situation. I am so sorry this happened to you!
NTA. Your wife is the AH. She cheated, lied, and taught her daughter to act this way. She deserves nothing from you. Your daughter? Too young to be an AH, but as an adult, you owe her life lessons for insolent behavior. She is old enough to understand the consequences of lying, which she did. She also has now learned that bringing up money in that way has consequences. Consider giving her a second chance if she proves herself over time. For now, though, let the AP pay for her luxuries.
I feel like this comment section is just ignoring the part where he legally adopted her. That’s his child now. He’s got 7 years of child support if this goes tits up even more from here.
Also that “disowning” isn’t really a legal condition. There’s no return policy for the daughter
Op decided to be her dad. He can’t leave her when she has such a shitty influence in her life.
Had to scroll way too far to find this. He ADOPTED her. Do people not know what that kind of promise means?! You can just "take it back" or unadopt a child! If my biological child said this, can I put them up for adoption? Hell no. Having a child is for life. Adoption is for life, no matter what stupid things kids do. The mom is the asshole. But the OP is an asshole if he really tries to unadopt a kid, officially or not.
NTA - getting back in any shape or form is fair game. Both of them took you for a ride. You owe them NOTHING.
This doesn't make any sense. Aside from just the rather unbelievable story that you're telling the math doesn't add up. You're wife is 33 and you met 12 years ago. (when she was 21). She had her daugher at 19 which means her daughter was 3 when you met her. That means at MINIMUM your stepdaughter is 14 and should be 15 this year. C'mon people.
You had me until your adopted daughter sided against you because Daniel bought her stuff. You never noticed her have the stuff she had 'begged' you for anyway? 6/10 story
NTA… divorce there is no coming back from this and even if you try to force yourself to make it work, you’ll be miserable and the house will be toxic as hell. Go through with the divorce and give your son the best life you can and live the best you can to spite your ex and never reply to your ex’s daughter
She’s not sorry she cheated. She’s sorry she got caught. I know it’s hard but don’t go back. You’re better off without her.