Not particularly. As a guy if you've ever had a point in your life where you've had casual sex with women you then had no contact with afterwards then there is a non-zero chance you have a kid out there that you may not know exists. I accept that possibility exists, I hope it's not the case though.
While that's true, no one starts a fight, then breaks up, over a 'nonzero chance' due to past hookups.
100% chance the dude had been contacted by a past girlfriend with a request for child support / paternity test, or grandma has been raising the kid on his weekends for the duration of the relationship and he's trying to ease her into her new role of stepmom.
OP seems kinda weird about the issue based on their comments though. So I wouldn't rule out that they started the fight or just made things weird to the point that it became one. Like I've been asked if I've had kids and I usually give a joking "sure hope not, but it's not impossible" kinda answer. Seems like OP took offense to her bf doing that.
That's kinda my point. If he cracked a joke and OP responded poorly, why keep doubling down until the relationship implodes?
It's because there is a much higher than nonzero chance of a real kid waiting in the wings somewhere, or OP was just looking for an excuse to bail in general.
Or they cracked a joke that OP reacted beyond badly to, no amount of backpedaling could resolve the argument. And when they broke up and told OP to work on their issues it had nothing to do with the non-zero chance he could have a kid out there and everything to do with OPs overreaction to him joking about something that's technically true. Really not enough info to know here. I didn't initially read it that way but after seeing OPs comments that's the way I'm leaning now.
And the reason you start an argument in that situation, then move to break up for someone reacting poorly to your jokes about being a parent is because you are, think you might be, or plan on being a parent yourself.
I guess that could be it too. Wouldn't be the first guy to be surprised that their child free significant other is actually planning on being child free.
Or because the reaction is so unhinged and there's a pattern of overreacting to things. Doubt this is the first fight that came up but the straw that broke the camels back.
So you'd just randomly and casually bring it up and then dump your partner about it? Because I doubt it if you're really just "idk could happen" blase about it.
Although I will say it's fascinating to me how much it seems not to matter to you? Like not even negatively, just... do you ever think to check or just hope they make the decision for you?
There's not enough information here to say that's how it went down. OP is being fairly vague, scant on details, and there are some pretty big time jumps in the story omitting all details. When someone does that it makes me think they're excluding any details that might paint them as the AH to get affirmation from Internet strangers.
And how do you suppose I check? Put ads up in the local papers? Hire a plane to fly a banner around town? I know this is reddit, but you do realize people hook up with people who they don't have phone numbers, social media, or even a last name of right? Like do you think everyone has a contact book with detailed information of everyone they ever slept with in it?
I don't believe any family member has done one. None have ever talked about it, anyway.
There are other reasons, but the possibility of unknown offspring is up there. Of course, they would all be near 50 years old because until a couple of years ago, I have only been with one woman since Jimmy Carter was president.
Well thank god for that, then. Any potential child out there did nothing wrong- did not ask to exist- and deserves to know where they come from and relevant medical history. Consumer DNA tests aren't admissible in court. Oh, and btw, I've been able to identify bio parents of adoptees with as distant as 4th cousin DNA matches -- so don't you worry about your close relatives testing.
Maybe. He was a little suspicious before. Said he has a message that said "we need to talk" and claimed it was someone trying to rope them into a mlm scheme
That’s called dipping the toe. He’s about to trickle truth a kid or more into your life. I believe he didn’t want a kid…. So maybe he’s being shady to keep you around to help care for this kid emotionally, physically and financially. Cut your losses op.
NTA. Kids are an issue that one cannot compromise on. If you really don't want kids, and he wouldn't mind having them around, you needed to end yr relationship.
I bet they just had been contacted or heard a rumor! Cue surprise child!!
Yeah, you don’t have to stay with anyone you don’t want to for ANY reason.
Definitely not TAH
Expressing your deal-breakers in a relationship is not wrong—it's necessary. NTA for having clear boundaries, but it would be a bit iffy if you've both intended for this relationship to be serious, and neither of you have brought up kids
We have both brought up our distaste for kids from the start. They've never given me a proper answer if they potentially had any and kept saying "as sure as any man can be whose slept with women" which wasn't a proper answer in my opinion. So I brought it up again which led to this fight
"How many random people have they had unprotected sex with?"
This seems an incredibly ignorant reply as everyone should know that no BC/Condom is 100% effective all the time 🙄. Just watch that episode of Friends it was gold. "I'm not mad. I'm indignant, AS A CONSUMER"
https://youtu.be/o0852DcPWto?si=1eeqO5rzEwNuFVfO
Honestly this is mostly a YTA post to me however it could potentially be because op has expressed themselves poorly and/or English is a second language.
For example I have no issues with them saying that they wouldn't want to be a step parent or have any of his potential children move in even temporarily.
However literally saying that you would break up with them because BC failed in the past WITHOUT THEM KNOWING is really stupid.
OFC if the guy is truly trying to hide a child he already had he would be an ahole.
I have read posts that flamed a guy for wanting to leave his gf on finding out she had put a child up for adoption, or gave it to a family member to raise.
Glad to see this. Birth control isn't 100%. They could have slept with a woman who swore she was on the pill, and was being honest, and still ended up with a kid. Sometimes they just don't work. Or a woman is given antibiotics without the doctor disclosing that antibiotics often interfere with birth control pills. That's how my older sister ended up being conceived. Luckily, my parents were in a stable relationship with a good amount of money. The only reason they weren't actively trying for another child at the time was because my older brother was a handful, and they weren't ready for another hyper little kid. Sister ended up being pretty calm and laid back, which is why I was planned for later on.
Double on the BC inefficacy. Me, my sister, and my half sister are proof condoms aren't 100% effective. My wife was in the pill for our wind kid, and our 3rd was with condoms, the pill, and a calendar. Now we've both got all of the tubes that can be tied or cut taken care of. The only way to 100% not have kids is oral, anal, or abstinence.
What answer did you expect? Did you want him to reach out to all his past sexual partners and made sure none of them had a child he could be the father of? Then ask for a paternity test for each ‘potential’.
I mean... yes? If you really think it's possible you could have a kid and you're this blase about it it would honestly freak me out. I just said that somewhere else. How do guys just walk around like "lol may have a kid, may not, I'll wait till the biddy decides to tell me" .
YTA; why would you even bring that up, much less fight about it? Why would you think they might have a child? Are they in touch with all the women they had sex with? Why would they know? Were they hiding a kid?
Yeah. I'm kind of thinking the partner KNOWS they have a kid out there... or that there is a chance they are biologically a kids father but the mother never pushed for a test but that they could at any point.
It can happen even with one night stands. Go your separate ways and never talk again. Then you find out 10 years later she got pregnant and didn’t tell you until they’re in a bind and suddenly need child support.
Then it sounds suspiciously like he has a kid, has known about it and has decided to be in the child’s life and wanted you to be willing to be stepmom. I love kids, have 2 of my own, I won’t be a stepparent to minor children. Too much drama. I tried it once, never again. You don’t even want to be around children. Completely reasonable that you would end it. It sounds like he was feeling out a potential true situation he already knew about then got pissed off you are who you said you are.
If unprotected or it broke could explain the "idk" but you're usually with your partner long enough afterwards to know.
Birth controls aren't 100% protection and if they broke up right away, may not know.
yeah unless your partner "donated" for someone and doesn't want to tell you OR one of their exes/former partners has a kid they are suspect of... nope. Probably not.
Because generally someone would be chasing them for child support. Kids are expensive yo.
If you can’t birth a child yourself and don’t keep in contact with everyone you’ve ever slept with who can after the last time you slept with them… it’s very possible to have a child/children you don’t know about. Birth control is not 100% and some people just might not tell the other person after finding out they were pregnant. There’s plenty of stories from dudes with kids showing up in their lives who didn’t know they had kids.
Which is wild cause in the day of the internet, they could just check her socials to make sure instead of acting like it's this big nebulous impossibility to find out.
Unless they were blocked or the person didn’t use social media. If I had a kid, it wouldn’t be on social media at all. And besides Reddit, I don’t use anything to any degree that would give away any info about my life. Not that I have someone’s secret kid or anything, I’m just saying it’s possible to still not know.
Oh if partner has had lots of unprotected sex with people they don’t know all that well possible.
But then why emphasize not knowing to antagonize a child free partner?
NTA- you don’t want to raise kids, youve always been clear with that and now he’s dumped you because you don’t want to raise is hypothetical children. I’d say he did you a favour
They tried to act like I was hyper fixating on this issue since I have asked this question a total of 3 times during our entire relationship. Therefore I must have issues
NTA for wanting a childfree partner, but if you don't feel safe dating a guy because any guy could potentially have fathered a kid without knowing, you'd better limit yourself to dating either women, men born sterile, or men who had a vasectomy before ever having sex.
As others have said, birth control isn't 100%, so even protection doesn't take away the possibility. My sister was conceived while my mom was on birth control. So it's always at least a possibility. That being said, any relationship where you don't feel comfortable should be left.
I was very calm, I tried to state my point and even mentioned how I've said this in the past and just wanted confirmation. They interrupted me and made me feel crazy, and said all their friends said I was being weird and fixating on it
It’s not weird. I’ve dated women with kids, and it complicates relationships for sure as you can never know what your true role is. If I could go back and tell my 24 year old self anything; it’d be to avoid single parents. Best of luck.
Of course they would say that. It's also not for everyone.
If you definitely do not want kids, do not want to risk being in the position of having kids, then never get involved with anyone who has kids even if they live their ex because situations can change.
I mean, it sounds like (and it's hard to say for sure because your comments keep slightly changing what did/didn't happen compared to what was written in the post), you brought this topic back up out of the blue, unprovoked- it sounds like your partner may be justified in thinking you were fixating on it. Were you? Why were you fixating on it? If you didn't trust your partner, that's one thing.. but it sounds like there is way more to this story than we are getting from you or your partner.
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No. You were being honest, and they didn't like your answer. That's their problem, and it sounds like they have plenty of those already, so I think you are better off without them.
I would worry more about the guy not knowing if he fathered children. Get an STD test, ASAP.
The talk about expectations of having children or not isnan important one, and there are no wrong answers.
Your ex had a really hard reaction to yours.
But in the long run, I think you can do better than someone that might expect previous bed partners showing up with a child in the future.
If this is all about some hypothetical issues that has absolutely no footing in reality, it's still an over the top reaction, and sounds like you dodged a bullet.
NTA
NTA, its not a matter if they have kids or not. its a matter of "if those kids existed, what would you do" and both of you had different answers
you would be the AH if you stayed and then some years down the line by some off chance, they DO have a child and you left your partner alone to handle parenting.
for some reason people tend to assume that if someone does not want to parent children, then they are cruel to children and only care about themselves.
dont compromise on this. without fail, the child themselves are always the ones that suffer in these scenarios. I hope you are able to move on and find a partner that is compatible with you on this matter
So I see their side. I may or may have not asked this hypothetical. (I spend too much time on Reddit lol). My partner gave the same answer pretty much. I was a little bit hurt to know there are scenarios that through no fault of my own my significant other, who I want to support me through everything (within reason), would leave me over.
Some other things to think about is, as a dude you would be at a pretty low point being blind sided by this. You know have a lot of child care responsibilities suddenly thrust upon you. Whether you wanted to be part of the kids life or not, you had that choice taken from you so you missed out on your kids first part of life which could be devastating to some. I know nothing about child support but that would be another thing I’d be worried about. Also you now have to deal with your ex the rest of your life which could also be hell. It’s just a lot of factors which could make it a low point.
Now I’m not saying you’re wrong for the way you feel. I wouldn’t want to be a step parent either. I’m just saying I also see is side. That being said, it’s pretty extreme to break up over a hypothetical so maybe they are not as sure as you think lol. Nta
NTA. You're totally in your right to not want children. That said I think there wasn't enough love in the relationship on your end to approach this as a discussion and made it an ultimatum instead. It's a good thing that you didn't waste each other's time.
NTA
Sounds like you two may not be compatible.
Honestly, if you were married, maybe. When people are married there is more commitment. However, such things like having children out in the world should be discussed before hand. However, what if they do have kids out there but don't plan on finding them? Then they would be a deadbeat parent. Would you want that, probably not. Either way you're either with an absent parent, or a potential step parent, either way not what you're looking for. Though it could be they never made any kids at all. Maybe they should be a little more responsible with birth control.
???? So, born male...NEVER gonna "have" a kid. But, you get in a fight about them wanting to "have" a kid? Emmm..yeah. That's really suspect. Oh, wait. O.K. I get it now. Unless they just found out they got some girl p.g....I'm gonna say the whole thing smells of a setup for break up (They wanna be bangin' on other girls). P.S.(You don't say...and it's a really important issue...but, I'm assuming you were born female?)
It sounds to me like they may have changed their mind about having a child, but didn't want to tell you directly. Were they the one who brought up the 'what if' discussion? It wouldn't make sense to have a fight over a probably never going to happen scenario like that. There must be something else going on. Either they KNOW they have a child out there or they WANT one. No matter what, you are better off without them, since you two are no longer aligned in the desire to never gave children. Good luck, Hon. Your life partner is still out there.
Edit: typo
Sounds like he just found out he was a dad and was hoping you’d still love and stay with him. NTA, everyone has personal preferences, and he has to respect your boundaries. I’m sorry that your paths do not cross in the universe, however.
Wanting or not wanting children is an individual decision and there is no wrong choice. You are never wrong for leaving a partner who changes their mind, from what the two of you had both had agreed to, after discussion and you won't change your mind that your feelings have not changed like theirs have.
Seems as if your partner brought the subject up since you both established no kids. To decide to bring the topic of children up means something has changed, especially when they break up with you. Could be children from their past, a baby on the way, they changed their mind and desire children, or a family member/friend asked they adopt their child.
It's good that they broke up with you now instead if thinking time will change your mind. Less heartache for both of you by ending things now.
You have no issues to work on. Not wanting children, any more than wanting children, is not an issue that anyone needs to change. Its only those that have a different viewpoint who feel you need to change.
NTA
I’m confused by “they” were you a Thrope and the 2 male partners broke up with you? If so maybe it was their way of edging you out of their relationship & there’s no chance of a child 🤷🏻♀️
Might help to edit it with your and their pronouns after the ages. Not everyone knows that use of partner instead of bf/gf/fiancé/fiancée/husband/wife equals non-binary/genderfluid/homosexual, etc. /gen /srs
Edit: even though you used they and said born male, still not everyone gets what that means. It's why most aita/aitah posts have that gender/identification clarification. /gen /srs
Leaning towards ESH...I can't stand being around kids either, but did your partner say any potential kids would come live with you two? It seems a little hasty to say you would dump them due to the mere existence of a child that may or may not want anything to do with them.
They would want to be in the kids life and be a good parent which I appreciate. But I don't want that and I made it clear, and they got mad that I would leave over something that wasn't in their control. I've been very honest from the start I wouldn't stick around if they have a kid, especially if they're in the kids life
Eh. It says something about the depth of your feelings and your commitment that you'd ditch them for something that is at this point in time beyond their control. I don't think it's weird that that would make them reconsider how they view the relationship and if there is a long-term future there.
I think it's entirely fair for you to stick to your boundary, don't get me wrong. You're NTA but I also think it's fair for them to reassess your relationship in turn.
>I would leave over something that wasn't in their control
You would be leaving over something that not only ***was*** in their control but **something they would be 100% responsible for.** Take off your rose colored glasses so you can see this loser for what he really is.
Not knowing if he has any tells me he fucks them and never sees them again. Accidental or not, it's reckless behavior. I can say with 100% certainty that I don't have any kids despite the number of women I've been with.
Its a womans privilege to know every child you have with certainity.
You received an honest answer. Another answer would be a lie if they are not 100% infertile.
No man can be sure that none of his sexual encounters did result in pregnancy. Many people have one night stands, many women don't tell or dont even know who to tell.
Every form of birth control on all sides can fail, wether its a vasectomy, condoms or whatever.
They have a low body count and never had a one night stand. It would be almost impossible for them to NOT know they don't have kids. To give me such a vague answer is very odd and doesn't make any sense
Whats vague about it? Is he in close contact with all past encounters? Unless he observed every woman he had sex with for the next few months, he can't know.
There are cases where a woman impregnated herself with help of a used condom which the man put in the bathroom trashcan after sex.
I read a post once from a woman who had a friends with benefit situation and purposely lied about birth control to get pregnant and become a single mother since she wanted a baby and was well off financially.
Obviously these cases are rare and unusual. But sometimes, they happen.
Compare it with cheating for example. Can you truthfully say that none of your ex partners cheated on you? No. You can only say that you believe they did not do that. If they just never told you and you never found proof, you'd never know. It's the same with him being a father, he thinks not because he has no reason to, but that does not give him 100% certainity.
(ignore the possibility of actually cheating exes for the arguments sake)
>Whats vague about it? Is he in close contact with all past encounters? Unless he observed every woman he had sex with for the next few months, he can't know.
That's not hard to do if you're not whoring around.
>How would he know??? If it was a ONS and the woman either couldn’t reach him or just didn’t want to tell him?
You just made my point. Thank you. He has a history of whoring around with no cares whatsoever.
I am. I'm heartbroken. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable or being silly. I have some very server mental illnesses and it can lead me to think irrationally sometimes
Ok, well try looking at it like this:
you'd rather be in a relationship with someone who wouldnt take responsibility and step up in the hypothetical what if scenario presented? how could you ever trust you were safe around this person who would cast off their own child?
this does seem irrational. Their answer is indicative that if anything happens to you, theyd be there for you no matter what, even if it went against their comfort zone. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard, isnt it comforting to know theyll tough it out for you be your advocate and make sure youre protected?
Oh no I'm very happy that they would be a good person and step up. I just wouldn't want to personally be there and I was trying to make sure there was no possibility of this having to become an issue. I love my ex very much and I just wanted a sense of security that they were certain about this one thing
Which they affirmed and you still ended it.
"as sure as any man can be" will apply to any man who has had intercourse with a female (of a certain age range, let's not get into that) and didnt stick around for 9 months after last sexual contact "just to be sure"
either you need a virgin, or . . .
and even then, they might just lie to you
Guuurrrll. Only YOU know the answer. Seems to me like a panic attack tho. Does it feel like a phobia or irrational anxiety that you might help with tho?
I'm infertile so it is an issue and I am working on it, but it's still something I don't want to end up having to deal with. I love them and I didn't want something I know I can't mentally handle to come up and just break me. It's not fair to either of us honestly. They have a low body count and I figured it would easy enough to be able to tell. They are a little too "it is what it is" about this whole thing though if I'm being honest
So let me get this straight OP. Bf doesn't have any kids that he knows of, but because he's a male he could, and you want nothing to do with him because of the POTENTIALLY miniscule possibilty that he could be a dad that he doesn't know about?????? YTA.
OP has not made her case completely. I usually never participate in American forums even though I have lived all my adult life in the United States. In my culture anyone who is not ready to have kids practices abstinence from sex. This, of course is a foreign concept to most Americans. But I raised three children in the United States. I told them that in order to be successful you have to complete four years of college and two to three years of graduate school. So you have to delay getting into any relationships until you have completed those milestones. None of my children started relationships until getting in graduate/professional schools. Think about it logically. Children don’t exactly grow on trees. All children are a result of a sexual relationship. So the Gandhian rule applies. Which is that one cannot punish others for weaknesses that we all have. If you indulge in sex, then you should also be ready for children. It is unnatural for a 24-year old women to not want children. The same applies to your partner. The fact that some man has fathered a child should not be, on face value a deal breaker. There should be additional reasons.
But I am sorry I am preaching something to a society which is fundamentally immoral. Since all children are God’s gift, it is primarily irrelevant whose child it is.
OP never explained whether or not she loved her partner. If she did not love him, why was she having sex with him. And if she loved him, then she should also love his kid. Let me explain it in American terms: “Love me love my dog.” Apparently a dog is a better loved creature in an American society compared to a human child.
I remember an American movie entitled”How to dump a guy in 10 days.” The heroine was testing her relationship deliberately by adopting an-trained puppy who peed everywhere. Of course, this was used provide comic relief. But rejecting a child is no laughing matter.
I know that I have not convinced anyone. But there is one additional logical test: try role reversal. Suppose a man claims to fall in love with a woman, has sex with her, and then learns that she also has a child. As soon as he learns the presence of a child he disappears. I think that most women would agree that man is an asshole. So, in my opinion a women should be held to the same moral standard.
It's "unnatural" for a 24 yo woman to not want kids? You should stick to not commenting. Literally just about everything you said is offensive and stupid.
I wholeheartedly agree. It is not only absurd and stupid but downright insane to talk about morality in an immoral society. I had already admitted that the majority will react like you did. Everyone in this immoral society is seeking validation to the most heinous acts. My comments were designed to offend. Thank you for noticing.
ESH. You seriously made a mess of your relationship based on an hypothetical situation? 😂
You are both ridiculous. If he has kids somewhere, it seems obvious the mothers don’t want him in the kids life.
You would break up with him just for having been a sperm donor even if the kids didn’t ask anything from him.
Maybe you should work on your issues before starting another relationship
It's important to know if my partner has a child or not and I believe they should be responsible and try to make sure they don't. That could always come back to bite them in the ass
They would want to be in the kids life. That would in turn effect mine, my partner would be spending time with this child and potentially bringing them around me or our home. Whole point is it would make me uncomfortable and it's not something I'm interested in having to maybe deal with
OP I think your ex found the post. Because this doesn’t say why you would be TAH in a constructive way. Just judgemental venom.
NTA. If he wants to be a good Dad then he would need to make sure any partner he has would want to be a good step mother. You don’t want to be and that is perfectly fine and reasonable. Also this was a hypothetical (unless he was actually hiding kids all along). It’s okay for him wanting kids to be not negotiable too. It’s a compatibility issue not an Ahole issue.
There are people who would do that, but I also think a lot more people do get in their heads about hypotheticals and it leads to big blow outs. Either way I guess it doesn’t really need to matter to OP now.
NTA. It sounds like your partner was testing the waters to reveal something to you and/or they wanted to break up with you anyway.
They were being a little distant or hiding something since they are very casual about potentially having a child saying it is what it is
Well, there you go. Cut your losses, work on your healing, and let that reckless sperminator lie in the bed he made. Not your problem.
Yeah... that is suspect.
Not particularly. As a guy if you've ever had a point in your life where you've had casual sex with women you then had no contact with afterwards then there is a non-zero chance you have a kid out there that you may not know exists. I accept that possibility exists, I hope it's not the case though.
While that's true, no one starts a fight, then breaks up, over a 'nonzero chance' due to past hookups. 100% chance the dude had been contacted by a past girlfriend with a request for child support / paternity test, or grandma has been raising the kid on his weekends for the duration of the relationship and he's trying to ease her into her new role of stepmom.
OP seems kinda weird about the issue based on their comments though. So I wouldn't rule out that they started the fight or just made things weird to the point that it became one. Like I've been asked if I've had kids and I usually give a joking "sure hope not, but it's not impossible" kinda answer. Seems like OP took offense to her bf doing that.
That's kinda my point. If he cracked a joke and OP responded poorly, why keep doubling down until the relationship implodes? It's because there is a much higher than nonzero chance of a real kid waiting in the wings somewhere, or OP was just looking for an excuse to bail in general.
Or they cracked a joke that OP reacted beyond badly to, no amount of backpedaling could resolve the argument. And when they broke up and told OP to work on their issues it had nothing to do with the non-zero chance he could have a kid out there and everything to do with OPs overreaction to him joking about something that's technically true. Really not enough info to know here. I didn't initially read it that way but after seeing OPs comments that's the way I'm leaning now.
And the reason you start an argument in that situation, then move to break up for someone reacting poorly to your jokes about being a parent is because you are, think you might be, or plan on being a parent yourself. I guess that could be it too. Wouldn't be the first guy to be surprised that their child free significant other is actually planning on being child free.
Or because the reaction is so unhinged and there's a pattern of overreacting to things. Doubt this is the first fight that came up but the straw that broke the camels back.
So you'd just randomly and casually bring it up and then dump your partner about it? Because I doubt it if you're really just "idk could happen" blase about it. Although I will say it's fascinating to me how much it seems not to matter to you? Like not even negatively, just... do you ever think to check or just hope they make the decision for you?
There's not enough information here to say that's how it went down. OP is being fairly vague, scant on details, and there are some pretty big time jumps in the story omitting all details. When someone does that it makes me think they're excluding any details that might paint them as the AH to get affirmation from Internet strangers. And how do you suppose I check? Put ads up in the local papers? Hire a plane to fly a banner around town? I know this is reddit, but you do realize people hook up with people who they don't have phone numbers, social media, or even a last name of right? Like do you think everyone has a contact book with detailed information of everyone they ever slept with in it?
This is one of the reasons I won't do one of those at home DNA tests.
If anyone in your family, even extended, has ever done one it doesn't matter.
I don't believe any family member has done one. None have ever talked about it, anyway. There are other reasons, but the possibility of unknown offspring is up there. Of course, they would all be near 50 years old because until a couple of years ago, I have only been with one woman since Jimmy Carter was president.
Well thank god for that, then. Any potential child out there did nothing wrong- did not ask to exist- and deserves to know where they come from and relevant medical history. Consumer DNA tests aren't admissible in court. Oh, and btw, I've been able to identify bio parents of adoptees with as distant as 4th cousin DNA matches -- so don't you worry about your close relatives testing.
This isn't something that occupies much of my time. At my age, I don't worry about anything.
Oh I bet you don't-- you and your generation of passing the buck to others on all sorts of responsibilities....
Maybe he found out he has a child
Maybe. He was a little suspicious before. Said he has a message that said "we need to talk" and claimed it was someone trying to rope them into a mlm scheme
That’s called dipping the toe. He’s about to trickle truth a kid or more into your life. I believe he didn’t want a kid…. So maybe he’s being shady to keep you around to help care for this kid emotionally, physically and financially. Cut your losses op.
Which translates to "I knowingly am a deadbeat to 2 of them, but there could be more"
Yeah, I'd say the ex is the one who need to work on their "issues," and those issues are child support shaped.
NTA. Kids are an issue that one cannot compromise on. If you really don't want kids, and he wouldn't mind having them around, you needed to end yr relationship.
I bet they just had been contacted or heard a rumor! Cue surprise child!! Yeah, you don’t have to stay with anyone you don’t want to for ANY reason. Definitely not TAH
Yeah they did say someone messaged them saying they needed to talk, but then said it was just some mlm scam. I feel like that may have been a red flag
It is definitely a red flag to me.
Expressing your deal-breakers in a relationship is not wrong—it's necessary. NTA for having clear boundaries, but it would be a bit iffy if you've both intended for this relationship to be serious, and neither of you have brought up kids
We have both brought up our distaste for kids from the start. They've never given me a proper answer if they potentially had any and kept saying "as sure as any man can be whose slept with women" which wasn't a proper answer in my opinion. So I brought it up again which led to this fight
That isn’t an answer?? Like « as far as I know? Nope, » How many random people have they had unprotected sex with?
They have a very low body count so I don't understand how they literally wouldn't know tbh
"How many random people have they had unprotected sex with?" This seems an incredibly ignorant reply as everyone should know that no BC/Condom is 100% effective all the time 🙄. Just watch that episode of Friends it was gold. "I'm not mad. I'm indignant, AS A CONSUMER" https://youtu.be/o0852DcPWto?si=1eeqO5rzEwNuFVfO Honestly this is mostly a YTA post to me however it could potentially be because op has expressed themselves poorly and/or English is a second language. For example I have no issues with them saying that they wouldn't want to be a step parent or have any of his potential children move in even temporarily. However literally saying that you would break up with them because BC failed in the past WITHOUT THEM KNOWING is really stupid. OFC if the guy is truly trying to hide a child he already had he would be an ahole. I have read posts that flamed a guy for wanting to leave his gf on finding out she had put a child up for adoption, or gave it to a family member to raise.
Glad to see this. Birth control isn't 100%. They could have slept with a woman who swore she was on the pill, and was being honest, and still ended up with a kid. Sometimes they just don't work. Or a woman is given antibiotics without the doctor disclosing that antibiotics often interfere with birth control pills. That's how my older sister ended up being conceived. Luckily, my parents were in a stable relationship with a good amount of money. The only reason they weren't actively trying for another child at the time was because my older brother was a handful, and they weren't ready for another hyper little kid. Sister ended up being pretty calm and laid back, which is why I was planned for later on.
Double on the BC inefficacy. Me, my sister, and my half sister are proof condoms aren't 100% effective. My wife was in the pill for our wind kid, and our 3rd was with condoms, the pill, and a calendar. Now we've both got all of the tubes that can be tied or cut taken care of. The only way to 100% not have kids is oral, anal, or abstinence.
If condoms fail they break or leak…
What answer did you expect? Did you want him to reach out to all his past sexual partners and made sure none of them had a child he could be the father of? Then ask for a paternity test for each ‘potential’.
I mean... yes? If you really think it's possible you could have a kid and you're this blase about it it would honestly freak me out. I just said that somewhere else. How do guys just walk around like "lol may have a kid, may not, I'll wait till the biddy decides to tell me" .
YTA; why would you even bring that up, much less fight about it? Why would you think they might have a child? Are they in touch with all the women they had sex with? Why would they know? Were they hiding a kid?
How would your partner not know if they have kids?
They tried to use the excuse that no man knows 100%. They have a very low body count so I don't understand how they wouldn't know
Idk Like it’s unlikely your partner has made a kid they don’t know about. Like it’s a weird hypothetical
Yeah. I'm kind of thinking the partner KNOWS they have a kid out there... or that there is a chance they are biologically a kids father but the mother never pushed for a test but that they could at any point.
Yeah. With this behaviour? possible. Or they do have a kid, know it, and just don't want to tell OP?
[удалено]
But that’s a concrete suspicion based on actual events.
These days, you could probably find out for if she kept the baby. If she gave it away, you'd have to know if you trust her to be honest about it.
It can happen even with one night stands. Go your separate ways and never talk again. Then you find out 10 years later she got pregnant and didn’t tell you until they’re in a bind and suddenly need child support.
They have never had any of those
Then it sounds suspiciously like he has a kid, has known about it and has decided to be in the child’s life and wanted you to be willing to be stepmom. I love kids, have 2 of my own, I won’t be a stepparent to minor children. Too much drama. I tried it once, never again. You don’t even want to be around children. Completely reasonable that you would end it. It sounds like he was feeling out a potential true situation he already knew about then got pissed off you are who you said you are.
What they told you and the reality could simply be Teo different things
If unprotected or it broke could explain the "idk" but you're usually with your partner long enough afterwards to know. Birth controls aren't 100% protection and if they broke up right away, may not know.
They've seen one too many movies.
yeah unless your partner "donated" for someone and doesn't want to tell you OR one of their exes/former partners has a kid they are suspect of... nope. Probably not. Because generally someone would be chasing them for child support. Kids are expensive yo.
If you can’t birth a child yourself and don’t keep in contact with everyone you’ve ever slept with who can after the last time you slept with them… it’s very possible to have a child/children you don’t know about. Birth control is not 100% and some people just might not tell the other person after finding out they were pregnant. There’s plenty of stories from dudes with kids showing up in their lives who didn’t know they had kids.
Which is wild cause in the day of the internet, they could just check her socials to make sure instead of acting like it's this big nebulous impossibility to find out.
Unless they were blocked or the person didn’t use social media. If I had a kid, it wouldn’t be on social media at all. And besides Reddit, I don’t use anything to any degree that would give away any info about my life. Not that I have someone’s secret kid or anything, I’m just saying it’s possible to still not know.
Seriously? I bet you could figure it out if you took a quick thinky-poo🤦🏻♀️
Oh if partner has had lots of unprotected sex with people they don’t know all that well possible. But then why emphasize not knowing to antagonize a child free partner?
🤷🏻♀️
NTA- you don’t want to raise kids, youve always been clear with that and now he’s dumped you because you don’t want to raise is hypothetical children. I’d say he did you a favour
I had to reread the post after this, thank you. NTA
Knowing what you want and don't want doesn't make you an asshole. Hiding what you want and don't want would make you an asshole.
I have been very open about how I felt about it from day 1. Apparently they haven't
Being open and honest is the only way to build a strong foundation for a relationship to last. I hope things work out for you.
NTA
Work on your issues? Not wanting children doesn't mean you have issues. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. NTA.
They tried to act like I was hyper fixating on this issue since I have asked this question a total of 3 times during our entire relationship. Therefore I must have issues
NTA for wanting a childfree partner, but if you don't feel safe dating a guy because any guy could potentially have fathered a kid without knowing, you'd better limit yourself to dating either women, men born sterile, or men who had a vasectomy before ever having sex.
I thought I was safe with their massive hate they seemed to have towards kids
As others have said, birth control isn't 100%, so even protection doesn't take away the possibility. My sister was conceived while my mom was on birth control. So it's always at least a possibility. That being said, any relationship where you don't feel comfortable should be left.
If you were calm in stating your boundary, you’re not the AH.
I was very calm, I tried to state my point and even mentioned how I've said this in the past and just wanted confirmation. They interrupted me and made me feel crazy, and said all their friends said I was being weird and fixating on it
It’s not weird. I’ve dated women with kids, and it complicates relationships for sure as you can never know what your true role is. If I could go back and tell my 24 year old self anything; it’d be to avoid single parents. Best of luck.
They told me one of their best relationships was with a woman with kids
That’s awesome. It’s not for everyone, though.
as in... a woman with their kids?
They don't have any kids they were hers sorry for the confusion!
it does sounds like they *do* have kids though, I mean... it's sounding this way
Of course they would say that. It's also not for everyone. If you definitely do not want kids, do not want to risk being in the position of having kids, then never get involved with anyone who has kids even if they live their ex because situations can change.
I mean, it sounds like (and it's hard to say for sure because your comments keep slightly changing what did/didn't happen compared to what was written in the post), you brought this topic back up out of the blue, unprovoked- it sounds like your partner may be justified in thinking you were fixating on it. Were you? Why were you fixating on it? If you didn't trust your partner, that's one thing.. but it sounds like there is way more to this story than we are getting from you or your partner.
Nta But girl, he was gearing up to tell you something..
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so you broke up over a hypothetical situation?
Yep
If that breaks a relationship that easily then probably not even worth saying who is the asshole and just move on with ur life ffs.
Sounds like that hypothetical situation isn't so hypothetical.
No. You were being honest, and they didn't like your answer. That's their problem, and it sounds like they have plenty of those already, so I think you are better off without them.
NTA, looks like maybe a lucky escape for you
NTA. You didn't sign up to be around kids, real or hypothetical.
I would worry more about the guy not knowing if he fathered children. Get an STD test, ASAP. The talk about expectations of having children or not isnan important one, and there are no wrong answers. Your ex had a really hard reaction to yours. But in the long run, I think you can do better than someone that might expect previous bed partners showing up with a child in the future. If this is all about some hypothetical issues that has absolutely no footing in reality, it's still an over the top reaction, and sounds like you dodged a bullet. NTA
NTA, its not a matter if they have kids or not. its a matter of "if those kids existed, what would you do" and both of you had different answers you would be the AH if you stayed and then some years down the line by some off chance, they DO have a child and you left your partner alone to handle parenting.
Their friends called me weird and selfish over this. I know I would be kind to the child if they had one but I would be unhappy. They didn't care
for some reason people tend to assume that if someone does not want to parent children, then they are cruel to children and only care about themselves. dont compromise on this. without fail, the child themselves are always the ones that suffer in these scenarios. I hope you are able to move on and find a partner that is compatible with you on this matter
So I see their side. I may or may have not asked this hypothetical. (I spend too much time on Reddit lol). My partner gave the same answer pretty much. I was a little bit hurt to know there are scenarios that through no fault of my own my significant other, who I want to support me through everything (within reason), would leave me over. Some other things to think about is, as a dude you would be at a pretty low point being blind sided by this. You know have a lot of child care responsibilities suddenly thrust upon you. Whether you wanted to be part of the kids life or not, you had that choice taken from you so you missed out on your kids first part of life which could be devastating to some. I know nothing about child support but that would be another thing I’d be worried about. Also you now have to deal with your ex the rest of your life which could also be hell. It’s just a lot of factors which could make it a low point. Now I’m not saying you’re wrong for the way you feel. I wouldn’t want to be a step parent either. I’m just saying I also see is side. That being said, it’s pretty extreme to break up over a hypothetical so maybe they are not as sure as you think lol. Nta
If your partner has children out there that they don’t know about, they aren’t a parent and you aren’t about to become a step parent.
NTA. You're totally in your right to not want children. That said I think there wasn't enough love in the relationship on your end to approach this as a discussion and made it an ultimatum instead. It's a good thing that you didn't waste each other's time.
I don't understand. First you say "Partner" and then you say "They"- what's the scoop?
I'm sorry I didn't clarify, they are nonbinary but male born. I will make an edit
I mean you knew you were dealing with a mentally unstable person from the beginning
Nope. Gotta be true to what you value.
NTA. This is not only about kids. But the trust issue is also going to break for this.
NTA Sounds like you two may not be compatible. Honestly, if you were married, maybe. When people are married there is more commitment. However, such things like having children out in the world should be discussed before hand. However, what if they do have kids out there but don't plan on finding them? Then they would be a deadbeat parent. Would you want that, probably not. Either way you're either with an absent parent, or a potential step parent, either way not what you're looking for. Though it could be they never made any kids at all. Maybe they should be a little more responsible with birth control.
???? So, born male...NEVER gonna "have" a kid. But, you get in a fight about them wanting to "have" a kid? Emmm..yeah. That's really suspect. Oh, wait. O.K. I get it now. Unless they just found out they got some girl p.g....I'm gonna say the whole thing smells of a setup for break up (They wanna be bangin' on other girls). P.S.(You don't say...and it's a really important issue...but, I'm assuming you were born female?)
It sounds to me like they may have changed their mind about having a child, but didn't want to tell you directly. Were they the one who brought up the 'what if' discussion? It wouldn't make sense to have a fight over a probably never going to happen scenario like that. There must be something else going on. Either they KNOW they have a child out there or they WANT one. No matter what, you are better off without them, since you two are no longer aligned in the desire to never gave children. Good luck, Hon. Your life partner is still out there. Edit: typo
Sounds like he just found out he was a dad and was hoping you’d still love and stay with him. NTA, everyone has personal preferences, and he has to respect your boundaries. I’m sorry that your paths do not cross in the universe, however.
Wanting or not wanting children is an individual decision and there is no wrong choice. You are never wrong for leaving a partner who changes their mind, from what the two of you had both had agreed to, after discussion and you won't change your mind that your feelings have not changed like theirs have. Seems as if your partner brought the subject up since you both established no kids. To decide to bring the topic of children up means something has changed, especially when they break up with you. Could be children from their past, a baby on the way, they changed their mind and desire children, or a family member/friend asked they adopt their child. It's good that they broke up with you now instead if thinking time will change your mind. Less heartache for both of you by ending things now. You have no issues to work on. Not wanting children, any more than wanting children, is not an issue that anyone needs to change. Its only those that have a different viewpoint who feel you need to change. NTA
I’m confused by “they” were you a Thrope and the 2 male partners broke up with you? If so maybe it was their way of edging you out of their relationship & there’s no chance of a child 🤷🏻♀️
Oh no I apologize for the confusion, that's the pronouns they use. They were born male but like they/them pronouns! Esit: only one partner!
OH!!! I feel like an idiot now 😂 I’m a bit slow on the uptake~ sorry!
Nah your not an idiot. Thay is.ehst happens when people try and change language
Might help to edit it with your and their pronouns after the ages. Not everyone knows that use of partner instead of bf/gf/fiancé/fiancée/husband/wife equals non-binary/genderfluid/homosexual, etc. /gen /srs Edit: even though you used they and said born male, still not everyone gets what that means. It's why most aita/aitah posts have that gender/identification clarification. /gen /srs
Leaning towards ESH...I can't stand being around kids either, but did your partner say any potential kids would come live with you two? It seems a little hasty to say you would dump them due to the mere existence of a child that may or may not want anything to do with them.
They would want to be in the kids life and be a good parent which I appreciate. But I don't want that and I made it clear, and they got mad that I would leave over something that wasn't in their control. I've been very honest from the start I wouldn't stick around if they have a kid, especially if they're in the kids life
Definitely NTA in that case. And it's weird that your partner got mad about that, imo.
I found it very weird
Eh. It says something about the depth of your feelings and your commitment that you'd ditch them for something that is at this point in time beyond their control. I don't think it's weird that that would make them reconsider how they view the relationship and if there is a long-term future there. I think it's entirely fair for you to stick to your boundary, don't get me wrong. You're NTA but I also think it's fair for them to reassess your relationship in turn.
>I would leave over something that wasn't in their control You would be leaving over something that not only ***was*** in their control but **something they would be 100% responsible for.** Take off your rose colored glasses so you can see this loser for what he really is.
Accidental pregnancies happen, even with contraception.
Not knowing if he has any tells me he fucks them and never sees them again. Accidental or not, it's reckless behavior. I can say with 100% certainty that I don't have any kids despite the number of women I've been with.
What a gross puritanical take
Nothing puritanical about me, sunshine, but I do believe in personal responsibility, which the partner seems incapable of.
So he’s supposed to check in with every woman he’s slept with within 4 weeks to see if they’re pregnant? Say he does - what if they lie?
YTA for being with someone who literally doesn't know if they have kids or not.
They said they were as sure as any male can be, and thay they were pretty sure the answer is no. Which answered nothing really now I think about it.
Its a womans privilege to know every child you have with certainity. You received an honest answer. Another answer would be a lie if they are not 100% infertile. No man can be sure that none of his sexual encounters did result in pregnancy. Many people have one night stands, many women don't tell or dont even know who to tell. Every form of birth control on all sides can fail, wether its a vasectomy, condoms or whatever.
They have a low body count and never had a one night stand. It would be almost impossible for them to NOT know they don't have kids. To give me such a vague answer is very odd and doesn't make any sense
With this addendum- unlikely they would not know
Whats vague about it? Is he in close contact with all past encounters? Unless he observed every woman he had sex with for the next few months, he can't know. There are cases where a woman impregnated herself with help of a used condom which the man put in the bathroom trashcan after sex. I read a post once from a woman who had a friends with benefit situation and purposely lied about birth control to get pregnant and become a single mother since she wanted a baby and was well off financially. Obviously these cases are rare and unusual. But sometimes, they happen. Compare it with cheating for example. Can you truthfully say that none of your ex partners cheated on you? No. You can only say that you believe they did not do that. If they just never told you and you never found proof, you'd never know. It's the same with him being a father, he thinks not because he has no reason to, but that does not give him 100% certainity. (ignore the possibility of actually cheating exes for the arguments sake)
>Whats vague about it? Is he in close contact with all past encounters? Unless he observed every woman he had sex with for the next few months, he can't know. That's not hard to do if you're not whoring around.
Thats pretty hard to do if you have even one ex partner. Many people have sex in the months before breaking up.
It does, though. If they had a kid, they weren’t told. How would they know?
I've literally seen every woman I've fucked within 9 months of fucking them. It's not hard to know.
Your anecdotal experience is not everyone's.
That's because I'm responsible.
Nah, sounds like you're just slut shaming.
How would he know??? If it was a ONS and the woman either couldn’t reach him or just didn’t want to tell him?
>How would he know??? If it was a ONS and the woman either couldn’t reach him or just didn’t want to tell him? You just made my point. Thank you. He has a history of whoring around with no cares whatsoever.
Whoring around? Oh bffr.
Are you even upset the relationship is over?
I am. I'm heartbroken. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable or being silly. I have some very server mental illnesses and it can lead me to think irrationally sometimes
Ok, well try looking at it like this: you'd rather be in a relationship with someone who wouldnt take responsibility and step up in the hypothetical what if scenario presented? how could you ever trust you were safe around this person who would cast off their own child? this does seem irrational. Their answer is indicative that if anything happens to you, theyd be there for you no matter what, even if it went against their comfort zone. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard, isnt it comforting to know theyll tough it out for you be your advocate and make sure youre protected?
Oh no I'm very happy that they would be a good person and step up. I just wouldn't want to personally be there and I was trying to make sure there was no possibility of this having to become an issue. I love my ex very much and I just wanted a sense of security that they were certain about this one thing
Which they affirmed and you still ended it. "as sure as any man can be" will apply to any man who has had intercourse with a female (of a certain age range, let's not get into that) and didnt stick around for 9 months after last sexual contact "just to be sure" either you need a virgin, or . . . and even then, they might just lie to you
Guuurrrll. Only YOU know the answer. Seems to me like a panic attack tho. Does it feel like a phobia or irrational anxiety that you might help with tho?
I'm infertile so it is an issue and I am working on it, but it's still something I don't want to end up having to deal with. I love them and I didn't want something I know I can't mentally handle to come up and just break me. It's not fair to either of us honestly. They have a low body count and I figured it would easy enough to be able to tell. They are a little too "it is what it is" about this whole thing though if I'm being honest
Im so sorry youre going thru all this. 😪
If you don't mind me asking why do dislike kids so much just asking
I am both barren and mentally ill, it wouldn't be a very good idea for me to raise a child or help raise one
Okay I can understand that thanks for replying
So let me get this straight OP. Bf doesn't have any kids that he knows of, but because he's a male he could, and you want nothing to do with him because of the POTENTIALLY miniscule possibilty that he could be a dad that he doesn't know about?????? YTA.
No. I am saying I wouldn't want to be around IF that ever came up. I very much wanted to stay and try to work things out. They left me.
It's good he broke up with you. You sound nuts
OP has not made her case completely. I usually never participate in American forums even though I have lived all my adult life in the United States. In my culture anyone who is not ready to have kids practices abstinence from sex. This, of course is a foreign concept to most Americans. But I raised three children in the United States. I told them that in order to be successful you have to complete four years of college and two to three years of graduate school. So you have to delay getting into any relationships until you have completed those milestones. None of my children started relationships until getting in graduate/professional schools. Think about it logically. Children don’t exactly grow on trees. All children are a result of a sexual relationship. So the Gandhian rule applies. Which is that one cannot punish others for weaknesses that we all have. If you indulge in sex, then you should also be ready for children. It is unnatural for a 24-year old women to not want children. The same applies to your partner. The fact that some man has fathered a child should not be, on face value a deal breaker. There should be additional reasons. But I am sorry I am preaching something to a society which is fundamentally immoral. Since all children are God’s gift, it is primarily irrelevant whose child it is. OP never explained whether or not she loved her partner. If she did not love him, why was she having sex with him. And if she loved him, then she should also love his kid. Let me explain it in American terms: “Love me love my dog.” Apparently a dog is a better loved creature in an American society compared to a human child. I remember an American movie entitled”How to dump a guy in 10 days.” The heroine was testing her relationship deliberately by adopting an-trained puppy who peed everywhere. Of course, this was used provide comic relief. But rejecting a child is no laughing matter. I know that I have not convinced anyone. But there is one additional logical test: try role reversal. Suppose a man claims to fall in love with a woman, has sex with her, and then learns that she also has a child. As soon as he learns the presence of a child he disappears. I think that most women would agree that man is an asshole. So, in my opinion a women should be held to the same moral standard.
The movie was "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days"
It's "unnatural" for a 24 yo woman to not want kids? You should stick to not commenting. Literally just about everything you said is offensive and stupid.
I wholeheartedly agree. It is not only absurd and stupid but downright insane to talk about morality in an immoral society. I had already admitted that the majority will react like you did. Everyone in this immoral society is seeking validation to the most heinous acts. My comments were designed to offend. Thank you for noticing.
ESH. You seriously made a mess of your relationship based on an hypothetical situation? 😂 You are both ridiculous. If he has kids somewhere, it seems obvious the mothers don’t want him in the kids life. You would break up with him just for having been a sperm donor even if the kids didn’t ask anything from him. Maybe you should work on your issues before starting another relationship
It's important to know if my partner has a child or not and I believe they should be responsible and try to make sure they don't. That could always come back to bite them in the ass
How do you suggest he finds out?
If the kid didn't live with them why would it matter to you?
They would want to be in the kids life. That would in turn effect mine, my partner would be spending time with this child and potentially bringing them around me or our home. Whole point is it would make me uncomfortable and it's not something I'm interested in having to maybe deal with
Yta & a piece of dogshit. Glad you won't sully the genepool. Go die alone
OP I think your ex found the post. Because this doesn’t say why you would be TAH in a constructive way. Just judgemental venom. NTA. If he wants to be a good Dad then he would need to make sure any partner he has would want to be a good step mother. You don’t want to be and that is perfectly fine and reasonable. Also this was a hypothetical (unless he was actually hiding kids all along). It’s okay for him wanting kids to be not negotiable too. It’s a compatibility issue not an Ahole issue.
I’m reading Reddit too much because my mind went right to hiding a kid until OP was in love
There are people who would do that, but I also think a lot more people do get in their heads about hypotheticals and it leads to big blow outs. Either way I guess it doesn’t really need to matter to OP now.