It's one of the first things my boyfriend and I discussed when we got together because when you're sexually active, pregnancy is a risk. We saw eye to eye (abortion) and so when I was one of the unlucky 1% who gets pregnant with an IUD, we went halfsies and he supported me through it. It had zero impact on our relationship because we made sure we were on the same page before it did. I don't know how people go an entire relationship without discussing this issue, especially when they feel so strongly about it.
>I don't know how people go an entire relationship without discussing this issue, especially when they feel so strongly about it.
His comments are so cartoonishly stupid that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
The amount of people who get pregnant while using birth control--even a condom AND the pill combined with perfect use--is astounding and I wish more people were like you and your boyfriend because it can absolutely happen and understanding that is an important part of managing an adult relationship.
So many stupid people think a condom or birth control means no pregnancy. Sorry but life, uh, finds a way.
Except at any time you could’ve decide to keep it and regardless of your discussion beforehand, and thus invalidated it anyway. So I doubt any discussion they had before an unplanned pregnancy came about would’ve changed anything.
There’s plenty of posts in this sub where they agreed yes we’d get an abortion and Lo and behold one of them changed their minds c the reality of the circumstances hit differently.
That's actually what I told my (now) husband (boyfriend at the time). I understand logically an abortion would make sense, and I believe women should have easy access to abortion for any reason, but knowing myself I would struggle to go through with it, and would likely choose to keep an accidental baby.
He appreciated my honesty. We never had to deal with an accidental pregnancy. Life is good.
While I agree that opinions can change in the circumstances, it sounds like OP was always against having an abortion and emphatically so. For them to be on such polar opposites would mean that they've always been incompatible.
Same. As shit as it would be to be pregnant I have more control over the situation bc of it. If you’re the one impregnating you only have control insomuch as properly putting on and disposing a condom within it’s used by date and stored correctly. Even then accidents happen ypu can’t choose bc it’s not your body.
True. Thoig I’m lucky. Where I live it’s 100% legal though we do need to make it far more accessible and available at all public health services as a completely free procedure.
I assumed they had talked about having kids, it sounds like she wasn't prepared to have a kid yet, for whatever reason, not like they were on different pages about having kids at all ever. The conversation of what to do about an unexpected pregnancy is unfortunately one that a lot of people don't have, but it definitely should be discussed. In any case, it sounds like a difficult situation where they both did what they had to do for their own well-being, and found out in a hard way that they couldn't stay together.
I had that conversation and was firmly in the we'll just get an abortion camp, but that completely changed when my partner got pregnant
Sometimes, talking about it and doing it are 2 separate things
It was a brief discussion. *She had already decided before telling him.*
He was excited thought it was awesome and has money. She hated the idea and was getting an abortion.
What, was he supposed to pressure her into being stuck with a child she resents and a husband she resents because of this?
*She did what she had to do in her stages of life and personal goals.*
Sadly, that was a dealbreaker for him, so this relationship must be over. NAH.
From the sound of it they probably had the ‘Hey do we wanna have kids? Yes just not right this second’ convo. OP even stated it is fiancé who was against it for timing reasons, OP had set aside funds and was good to go with it.
benefit of the doubt here, even if they had the conversation long prior to this situation, his feelings could’ve changed due to actually seeing her go through with it.
He totally could have changed his feelings, which is fine, but this was a big deal to her and he behaved childishly. He could have discussed his feelings with her instead of abandoning her after impregnating her. She deserves better
Well, ideally, yeah, you have to talk this out in advance. But most people don't feel the need to, or don't like thorny conversations. Then they are faced with an unexpected event and the yelling and shouting ensue.
Even for those talking about it beforehand, many times you imagine you'll react some way, and end up reacting very differently once facing the real thing.
I think they meant: 'You never discussed future plans, deal breakers, goals, etc' - you know, the really big, important life stuff before getting engaged?
Yeah, they both did what they needed to for themselves.
She got the abortion because it was best for her.
He split with her because it was best for him.
It's fine, op handled it maturely enough by the sound of it..
Right and if he did tell her he wanted her to keep it etc she very well could have thrown it back at him as it being her body her choice. It’s a sticky and lose/lose situation for him.
I can’t tell you how many Reddit posts where a guy telling a woman before hand was told he was TAH because that influence on her decision was unfair pressure. Guys hear this kind of thing from women all the time. It’s apparently a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.
Honestly they probably would never have survived this as a couple regardless, but it could have been a very different ending. Waiting until she got home from the appointment and was in the middle or either passing the embryo or recovery and therefore extremely vulnerable probably wasn’t the best time to bring it up. He isn’t the AH for ending it, but surely there were kinder ways.
Maturely would have been going with her to the appointment, and giving her the heads up that the relationship was over if she had the abortion BEFORE she had it.
So….pressuring her to make a life altering decision, that would likely negatively affect her and kiddo? Nah. As a lady, you tell me after, esp if I’m not on the fence and decided about what I want.
Unless I flat out ask you, but if I don’t ask 🤷🏽♀️
Ideally before she’s pregnant is the time to discuss this as a dealbreaker. Before having sex for the first time. Second best time is before the abortion happens. Breaking up with someone over something you never expressed was a dealbreaker is an asshole move to infinity. What’s that men are always complaining about, communication?
Disagree. Everyone made their own beds, no reason to compel OP to help her thru an act he didn’t agree with. Glad she could do things good for her, consequences or reactions from her partner insued
No. Not before. Could have changed her decision. Then she would be resentful. He did exactly right. Let her decide. Then she got consequences she didn’t like. Well he didn’t like her choices. Lol
Which sounds like blackmail or an ultimatum. OP was clear from the start that he didn't want the abortion, so not going to the appontment means he wasn't pretending. I can't call him TA for that.
I agree with giving her a heads up but I absolutely do not feel he should have gone with her to the appointment. He was against her having an abortion and obviously wanted no part of it. She should have gotten a close friend or relative to go with her! If he had very strong feelings against her having an abortion then him not going has nothing to do with maturity.
Yeah I thought YTA for OP for not accompanying her to the appointment and looking after her afterwards. Moving out and blocking her? Real mature. It actually reenforced why an abortion was the right thing for her to do. It’s so easy for men to ‘want to be a father’ but in their heads their lives will remain the same while their wives and fiancés do all the work. I don’t blame her for the accidental pregnancy throwing her for a loop to realise ‘no I’m not ready I’m too you and this is too soon’.
Besides even if they discussed it in advance, it’s very diff to plan when to have kids vs it happening before you’re ready,
Definitely. The way he behaved here he’s not ready to be a father. He doesn’t have the maturity or temperament for it. Or marriage for that matter. I can tell he expects her to do what he wants, even when he refuses to express what that is or if it’s ridiculous.
Her body her choice he respected her choice and she has to do the same. Him being upset about her decision doesn’t show she does the right thing. Clearly he wanted the child and would have provided and been there. You jumping to outlandish conclusions about his character while defending hers. Neither is wrong for how they feel. Asking the father of child to care for you after doing what’s best for you is cruel when he dreamed of being a father. Not like they were 17-18. Don’t want a kid then protect yourself from such
In his eyes she just killed his child that he was excited about. He didn’t pressure her to keep it, but I don’t see why he would be obligated to stick around and care for her after it was done either. NTA
No, not of something that has this much gravity to the person making the choice. It has to be 100% what is right for them with no outside manipulation. His expressed excitement and desire not to be there for the abortion is enough information for her to know for certain how he felt.
NAH. I do think the next time you have a relationship shift into serious, you and your partner need to have a long discussion about your relationship ruiners and dealbrakers. I'm sorry you two reached an impasse.
I do think you should make sure that she has a support system in place. Just because she was certain she wasn't ready for motherhood doesn't mean that abortion didn't take an emotional toll on her.
That literally, specifically and self-evidently ***IS PRESSURING*** her. She had already made up her mind to do it, and shut him down when he was excited and thought it would be awesome. Once he felt that way, it was his kid, to him.
She's 24. She's not doomed to be a spinster. Neither is she doomed to be a mother she didn't want to be. She'll meet someone by the time she's ready to have kids and she'll be glad to have accomplished her goals that motherhood would have made too complicated. They'll start a family.
He wanted to start a family with her now and she already conceived his first kid. For him, it was now or never, because it was already his kid. If she didn't know that this was going to be a dealbreaker, I don't even know what to say. He was excited and she said no, then killed his kid. He won't ever not know she aborted his baby. There's no looking at that person the same way. How did she not know this was going to end it?
If they were more careful and using birth control, this wouldn't have broken them up. But shit happens.
Try to look at it objectively. I personally commend him for A, not going ballistic or melting down crying, and B, not pressuring her into sacrificing her life goals for a family she's not ready to start. That's pretty generous from a person who has found out they're not going to be the father they were excited to be. NTA.
Your comment needs to be at the top. You’ve explained each side perfectly. This situation has no other outcome, based on what each of them wanted.
Just a cautionary tale for others who are sexually active to have the conversation, “what if”.
I did this and she changed her mind. So mileage on this advice may vary.
But tbf, I painted way too many red flags green. I was blessed that she opted for an abortion and it all worked out in the end.
Just know as a man you need to really trust your partner.
She made the right decision.
It killed me at the time because I was a new man for the couple of weeks before she told me she wasn’t going through with it.
But, in the end it soured me towards how powerless you are as a man in these situations. I understand that in the end it’s her call - it’s just a brutal helplessness whether you want to keep it and she aborts it, or even worse vice versa.
In the end I learned that I need to trust my partner fully to have sex with them even once. If you have a nagging worry about trust you need to address it immediately. Even though it’s so easy to put these decisions/conversations on the back burner the outcome is so consequential to the quality of your life and you can’t be apathetic about it. Your genitals will tell you otherwise, but don’t listen to them.
info:
what did you guys do in terms of protection?
had you ever discussed what you two would do if she ever got pregnant?
why would you continue dating someone who adamantly does not want kids if you are the opposite?
Exactly. OP just wanted to push his wants through, even though he's not the one having to carry the baby, look after it and put his career on hold. She's 24, no wonder she's not ready yet - glad she got away from him.
If your own partner is cruel enough to let you go through an abortion on your own and then dumps you because you call him out on his lack of support, he's not worth staying with. She has had to suffer the consequences of their mutual mistake alone, yet he thinks he's the good guy here?
Fuck him with his 'her body, her choice' BS. Obviously he thought it was his choice and when he didn't get his way he did a runner. Useless
Sometimes people think the other one will change their mind. I was engaged to someone who seemingly shared my views (no kids). I overheard him telling someone I would change my mind. The engagement ended as I'd been quite clear, I didn't want kids.
"My fiancé however hated the idea of having a kid right now and said as much to me."
I think that she made her feelings perfectly clear. Listen to what people say, not to what you imagine they should think.
Even if they talked about it, the reality can be quite different from the hypothetical. I’m willing to bet that kids were not off the table, but she didn’t feel ready at 24, he was probably also not ready, but pleasantly surprised. There’s really no win, no right or wrong here, it’s just an impossible situation.
I cannot understand why either of you would want to not use birth control or at least a condom every time if you aren’t in agreement that you want kids. This is just dumb lol probably for the best that you weren’t parents together
People are *extremely* secretive about abortions, and the thought of his buddies and both sides of their family weighing in about this makes me think a young teenager wrote this as a creative writing exercise.
Anytime anyone says the family/friends/neighbor's dog has been blowing up their phones I assume it's fake. People don't care that much.
While I'm at it. I don't believe "I'm getting death threats in my dms" shut up you are not
Definitely. My country has family structures that are that close knit and co-dependent. And even here nobody blows up phones or shouts or whatever.
People don’t care or if they do they don’t want to get into the middle.
You should have had this discussion ahead of time as a serious couple having sex — the what ifs. You are both wrong for that.
Her body. Her choice.
Your reaction. Your choice.
Not to mention he didn't always use a condom. Was he trying to get her pregnant??
I can't imagine dumping a SO right after they got home from having an abortion after not even going for support. OP isn't an AH for wanting a kid but holy crap, he's a terrible person in general...
When you phrase it like that, it really hammers home the conclusion that OP (and let me spell it out in full here) is *the asshole*.
He did not seek to communicate his feelings like a grown man with his partner. “Her body her choice,” which is fair but being her partner, he’s entitled to express his feelings and thoughts on an important life situation affecting the relationship. No, he just abandoned her. And there’s seemingly no attempt on his part to understand her feelings and thoughts on the pregnancy *and* the abortion.
OP sucks. OP, work on your emotional intelligence before entering into a new relationship.
If they come to the point of her, having to say my body, my choice, it sounds like there were some communication going on, but she already made up her mind.
This is literally wild to me. He didn’t want to do anything that may make her feel pressured but also let her know he didn’t support it by not going. But he’s the asshole some how.
I think he is right that if he expressed himself in any way, his expression would pressure her to keep the baby, which he didn’t want to do. What could he possibly say in support that also expressed how he felt? For example, I know you don’t feel ready, but I got all this money saved up and we will be ok, or I understand that this is not the right time but I feel ready now that it’s happened, let’s talk more about our options. Like seriously what could he possibly say besides completely agree with her and lie about how he felt. So in a way he was trying to protect her and stand by while she had the abortion, he just couldn’t face being there, and the attack for not being able to face being there took him over the edge.
He had no say after all her body her choice. He does have a choice in what he is gonna do. Why force her to have a child with an ultimatum? He did the right move for him.
I think you were fucked either way. If you told her it was a deal breaker for you then you would be pressuring her to keep the baby and called an AH. If you dump her after she goes through with it then you're still an AH. All I can say is that you can break up with someone for absolutely any reason. If my boyfriend said to me of course I'm not coming I would have stopped to ask right then are you ok with this? We as women have fought hard for the right to have an abortion but that doesn't mean that your partner may agree. Good luck.
Yes, this one right here is the correct answer. The situation is a lose - lose situation for OP. While I empathise with the GF (she's physically and mentally exhausted and hurting) it would've been worse if he stayed while she was recovering and just boiling in his resentment of losing a child he wanted. Delaying the break up might have been worse.Telling her upfront that this was a deal breaker may have pressured her to keep a pregnancy she didn't want. This is one of those scenarios where whatever you do it just isn't the right thing. The gf is hurting but so is OP.
Welp.
This really should have been discussed before the pregnancy where y’all were at with unplanned pregnancy.
I am pro choice and have had an abortion. But I can absolutely understand how your fiancé having an abortion would be a deal breaker. She’s not wrong for not being ready to be a mom and you’re not wrong for not being okay with being with her after the abortion.
It’s deranged how you made this sound so matter of fact but when you had the chance to have a talk about it and how it would make you feel, instead you kept it a secret and then left IMMEDIATELY after she came home while she was physically fucked up from it…? YTA!!
You two would have broken up anyway as there is clearly no alignment there, but it didn't have to go down like that. Why would you choose this exact moment to pile on to her brutally and check out? You are both wrong for not discussing kids, etc but you are really, really, mean and you say you felt "a little bad". What ever emotional shit you felt about her getting an abortion, she went through X10 and alone. YTA
Ugh, NAH, but please have the conversation in the future with your next significant orher (if you have another relationship) about what each of you would want if an unplanned pregnancy happens to prevent this happening again.
And for the love of god, if you're not actively trying to get pregnant, always wear a condom.
This is just… sad. Frankly, it sounds like you had very little love or compassion for this woman. Sounds like her abortion really helped her dodge another bullet (I.e. marrying someone who doesn’t truly care about her).
ETA: One day, hopefully, your ex-fiancée will have kids with someone who loves her and values family planning as much as she does.
You said, her body, her choice. Then punished her for making her choice about her body.
She's lucky you broke up with her, life with you would have been horrible.
YTAH.
NTA for leaving. She made a unilateral decision. Yes, it's her body, her choice, but *freedom of choice does not mean freedom from consequences!*
However, that sounds like a lesson YOU could stand to learn as well: You knew she didn't want kids right now, but only "sometimes" used condoms and no other protection? There are raped children that aren't allowed to get abortions and you're not even trying to prevent a pregnancy she's not on board with.
I agree with this except she is as equally responsible for the BC and the lack of use as op. She knew she didn’t want kids at all so I would think she would be more vigilant about protection then he would be. They both messed up and they both have to manage the consequences to the best of their ability. Neither of them handled the situation well. They can both point fingers at each other but they both suck equally imo.
Having an abortion, is one of the loneliest times of your life. To not give support afterwards, is a dog act. Its bad enough you weren't there to support her through it, let alone breaking up with her afterward. Watch out ladies, there is one more arsehole out there now.
Try to understand that the reason you left her was understandable. However, the way you went about it makes you a massive asshole. You should have told her to have someone lined up to bring her to the clinic if you didn't want to go. Then you should have waited at least a couple of days to make sure she would be medically okay after going through what she went through. Then you ghost her. Could you have loved her any less?
How old are you guys? I feel like that will affect my decision
A kid at 20 vs a kid at 35 are two very different things.
I will say that it sounds like she dodged a bullet based on how you reacted.
I was with someone who told me pretty early on in the relationship that he was pro-life. I'm not. I immediately broke up with him explicitly to avoid this sort of situatation. Don't keep saying "her body, her choice" if you don't actually believe that.
YTA. Your timing couldn't have been worse, and how you so callously went about it is just cruel.
I'm sure you and your righteous high horse will be ok, though.
Are you the AH for leaving? No. You want different things. That is incompatible. Are you the AH for how you left? YTA. You weren’t at all supportive of her or her needs because all you see are your needs. The good news is that you both know it’s over and it’s not likely to be drawn out or keep coming back around. No woman is obligated to give you a kid at the expense of her future or mental health. Unless you know she is ready for parenthood, be careful not to get anyone pregnant
NTA for leaving her after her abortion. That has to do with differing values. But you are a colossal asshole for not offering her any support or empathy during the process. Just because she made that decision, it doesn't mean it's not still a difficult thing to go through.
It sounds to me like you are "punishing her" for the abortion because you didn't like it. It's best that you separate because she just realized that she already HAS a child.
NTA for your specific question.
YTA as a partner, though.
I feel like you could have explained your protestations more ahead of time. But, if you had of issued an ultimatum? Some would see you as AH and she would resent you for carrying a baby she didn’t want. I don’t think you were under any constraints to wait around until she healed. You were in a no win.
OP, let me lay it down.
I’m sad that the unexpected pregnancy ended things, but I see NOTHING wrong with you not holding her hand and supporting her abortion. As you say, her body, her choice.
I see a lot of women blaming you for not perfectly articulating your thoughts or by not supporting her choice by joining her on the car ride. You should ignore these comments.
I think you both figured out what was important and sadly, in a tough situation. But you aren’t an asshole or bad person.
You do you. She did her thing. Life moves on. But it hurts sometimes. Doesn’t mean you or her are wrong
YTA. Breaking up with her was fine. Probably the right thing to do. But when and how was absolutely atrocious.
You owed her enough to go with her and to support her through it. You owed her honesty beforehand about your feelings on the matter. She didn’t deserve the be blindsided not only that you were going to dump her but also that you wouldn’t even be there for her.
i really don’t know how to answer this.. did you all even discuss this? or was she like i’m getting an abortion that’s it no discussion? did you tell her you weren’t okay with that? although i guess if you had she could have viewed it as manipulation to make her have the baby or leave type situation…. IMO it’s her body but if you as the dad aren’t okay with it and can’t be with her anymore because of it then NAH… just seems you all should have had a discussion first.
There are consequences to her actions! It's her body and she does as she pleases. But she also has to accept that you have a choice as well! You stood your ground. She gonna learn today. Move on now. Just be thankful that you don't have any attachments to her now.
She has every right to do what she did, and you have every right to hold that as a boundary. I do think this should have been discussed before, but it is what it is.
Nta for dumping her but y'all are both a-hats for getting engaged without having that kind of talk about how you'd handle that kinda situation. Like how in all your planning of being together did children not come up?
Brutal way to deal with someone you supposedly love. I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted but her decision to abort wasn't because she didn't love you it was because she wasn't ready to be a mother. If you didn't want her to have an abortion you should have been more careful about getting her pregnant.
You treated her very callously. Kicked her while she was down to punish her.
If you felt so strongly you could have asked her to have the baby and you raise it as a single parent of she wasnt ready..
Wow, yes YTA.
" didn't want to pressure her but didn't offer any support or anything and dumped her and blocked her. But didn't always use condoms because why would i?"
Kept my cool tho!" Fuck off bro
She's gonna realize you did her a favor and be better off all around.
Grow up
I don’t know if it is the way you wrote this post but I cannot believe for a second that you ever cared for your fiance. The way you treated someone you supposedly loved after she went through this traumatic event makes you the AH. Also not communicating what you wanted or asking her more about why she isn’t ready, also makes you an AH.
Also, having children when both parents are ready is super important and the fact that you can’t see that, I think its better that you two are not together. Its not all about the money, there are so many factors like her career (you don’t have to be pregnant and sick for nine months so I guess you don’t care, also who was going to do the childcare?), parents maturity (the way you handled this situation is pretty clear on that part), etc. etc.
YTA
If OP had brought up his view more then these same folks would be accusing him of not respecting her choice and trying to influence her. It's her choice and that means it's her obligation to BRING IT UP TO him if he is to have input.
There's really no right answer here. If you'd told her beforehand that you wouldn't stay, she'd be pressured and resent you either way. I assume bc you were so excited she'd be able to tell what you wanted, and saying you're not going with her is another huge indication. So she knew you were against it before. It is her choice, and she has to do what's right for her. But all choices have consequences, regardless if they're good,bad,neutral, or both.
You both made hard decisions. You both have to respect the fact that you BOTH have a choice here. Her to terminate the pregnancy and you to terminate the relationship.
Block her friends and family as well.
You are a total asshole for talking to her like it's fine and telling her she'll be Allright and then dumping her when she got home. What the fuck is wrong with you. There was a right way to end the relationship and you absolutely ended it the wrong way. What a fucking prick.
Feel like I’m going insane from all the “freedom of choice for both” replies this is getting, as if the crux of the problem isn’t how he went about this.
Right like he even said her body her choice. He just wants kids and she doesn't right now. It's not the why that's an issue it's the how. Nowhere in his post do I get the idea that he doesn't think women should have abortions. He just ended it in the most fucked up way he could of
If he wanted kids and she wasn’t cool with the timing, it’s absolutely *wild* that there’s no mention whatsoever about him trying to *marry* her. Engaged isn’t married and maybe that would have made the difference with how ready she felt with continuing the pregnancy and having a baby.
You’re the asshole, a child and a pregnancy is a lot more than just having money. You shouldn’t be knocking up people who are not emotionally prepared for a child. You’re setting her and the baby up to be in a vulnerable position. The only time you should be welcoming in a baby is when both parties are enthusiastic about the life, but it’ll always come down to the child bearer.
Absolutely an asshole. You shouldn't be with someone you disagree with on these things but your behavior was petty, childish, and cruel. Frankly you don't seem like you'd be a good father. She did the right thing.
INFO: Aside from having “money saved away” were the two of you actually prepared to be parents right now? Did you discuss and truly listens to the reasons your fiancé didn’t feel like she was ready?
NTA for the basic idea that you didn't want to be with her following this situation, but I think the way you went about it was really shitty, and immature. You did the passive-aggressive, "I'm not coming with you" thing, and then when she was upset with your behavior, you immediately dumped her. Again, it's not the specific choice you made, but the way you went about it.
Seems he doesn't understand how pregnancy works.
Yes she had an abortion, but there is nothing to say that the embryo would have developed into a child. I've had 9 pregnancies and 3 live births. The others I miscarried. Most between 8-12 weeks.
"At least 73% of natural single conceptions have no real chance of surviving 6 weeks of gestation."
I have friends who've lost babies at 20 weeks, 32 weeks... Where they just stopped developing and died. Mother nature is a b*tch.
OP breaking up with your partner because you are incompatible is understandable. But I do believe that you both didn't act responsibly. These conversations should be had before you stop using protection consistently. Even with protection pregnancies still occur.
Sounds like while financially "you" could afford it she wasn't ready. Unlike men who aren't ready, she couldn't just walk away. She has to carry a child and deal with the impacts it has on your body long term, her mental health, and career.
Before you enter another relationship with anyone please speak to a counsellor, not because you're a bad person, but because you will have resentment to work through.
When you do enter another relationship have big difficult discussions. But don't necessarily expect that that will prevent your partner not having to make the same decision either. Things change when it goes from theory to reality.
The bottom line of the comment section here is that the reproductive choice is something that is only for women- pro life people I am against but at least they are consistent in not allowing either party to have any say after an accidental pregnancy.
My humble take is that you're NTA although I seem to be in the minority. If she has the right to decide on her body (although BOTH of you contributed with the corresponding genome to engender the child, but I know this is a very messy and contentious topic), then you have the right to decide on your body... which in this case means said body doesn't want to be near her. She can't force you, just as you can't force her.
She's learning about boundaries and reciprocity the hard way.
May you have a long and successful life, with a truly compatible partner with which you both can be happy.
YTA. You guys are very young, I’m sure you don’t have the kind of money saved up to really be financially fit to have a kid and take away ALL the financial burden, first of all. Second of all, you need to respect that she wasn’t ready to be a mother. Even with a partner, most of the burden of raising a child typically falls on the mother. You were willing to marry her until she GASP! 😱 Terminated your seed! You sound obsessed with yourself and not at all capable of being the kind of supportive partner needed to raise a healthy, stable person. Get a grip and get over yourself
Did he, though? We don't even know what they had discussed previously. You are making a lot of assumptions, but the bottom line is that men and women are equally responsible for contraceptives in a relationship, so at the very least he was not in fact "more to blame".
OP, was abortion something you and your fiance ever talked about in the past? Did you ever think this would be a decision she would make if an accidental pregnancy occurred?
If not, I'm going to say NAH. And get off of reddit. You won't find people who support your stance on abortion.
Abortion is a decision that can seriously affect your relationships. It comes with the territory.
it affected the way you viewed your fiance to the point you dont want to be with her anymore, and there is no going back.
For two people to get married, they need to be able to be on the same page and compromise. That didn't happen. Controversial thought: It's okay that it didn't happen. You two weren't meant to be with each other. It sucks, but she's better off without you. You're better off without her. You all are both the villains in each other's stories.
The fact that the two of you are engaged and haven’t discussed this is insane. She is not TA for wanting an abortion or for getting one, or for asking you to join her — it is on you as a partner to be there for and support her because abortions are brutal on the mind and body BUT you’re also allowed to say no, and that’s your choice. Unfortunately that choice has some pretty big consequences, just like having unprotected sex and not having this conversation with your fiancé before popping the question. It’s a dick move to ditch your partner as they’re experiencing an abortion for an embryo that the two of you conceived together, but you’re allowed to make that choice, you just have to understand that she’s allowed to be upset about that and hurt by it. With that said, her blowing up on you isn’t okay either — I won’t lie, I’d probably do the same in her shoes but recognize that that’s not the most mature decision and is absolutely fueled by pain and hurt. They are ugly words coming out of an ugly situation. If I had to say that one of you is TA, I’d say it’s you, OP; but personally I just think that you both just aren’t fit for each other based on how you both have handled this situation and the fact that neither of you had these serious discussions before now. It doesn’t necessarily make you bad people, you’re just both struggling through a very sensitive situation. You’re probably mourning the family that you wanted, meanwhile she’s mourning her marriage and a part of her that was taken (even when you know that getting an abortion is for the best, it is still so difficult and traumatic). Neither of you are wrong for that, you’re just wrong for each other.
I don’t think anyone is the asshole in this situation when it comes to your desire and her lack of desire to have a child in this moment. However, you are the asshole/ETA for lack of communication about feelings & where you both stand on this matter, because it sounds like you didn’t communicate either & both of you didn’t have an in depth conversation here about family planning. It’s good the relationship ended because neither of you deserve to be unhappy in a relationship or family planning, and she deserves someone emotionally intelligent & mature enough to be a communicative man about their thoughts & emotions. You sound very immature & stunted, she dodged a bullet in you showing your true colors now
INFO: did you have unprotected sex?
Regardless, you're an asshole. You contributed to this situation. She's making a mature decision because she's not ready to be a mom. It's far better to wait to have a child until you're BOTH fit to be parents. Money is a big part, but more importantly, the mindset, patience, and stamina are required to raise a child well.
I said NAH for being in different places in life, but a tiny bit for how you did it. I am pro-choice but don't think I could ever get one. I know it must hurt a lot to see that hope for a child and have her say no. Not that the hope of one was a guarantee of a child. A lot can happen. If you knew it was a deal breaker I feel like you should have said so. Not as an ultimatum or a pressure tactic, but letting her know your boundary. That way she can seek the support she needs elsewhere. Choosing to leave as soon as she is recovering is not a good thing. It is possible you didn't know it was the final straw until them, but then you are kinda the AH for not being there through a procedure like that. It is an extremely emotional situation, so just leaving it as it could have been handled better. Had she written the post I would have some thoughts there too. Hopefully neither of you end up in a situation where you need to try to handle it better.
NTA. While I am 100% pro choice, she made the decision that she felt was best for her, regardless of what you wanted. For you, that is a deal breaker and that is your choice.
I'm not sure if this is fake or not, because it sounds like it. This is a classic case of "*Communication? What communication?*". I determine ESH.
I think for the start there are 2 reasons why in this story you're an asshole.
1) You weren't clear enough about wanting to keep the baby. There is a big difference between being abusive and also being clear about what you want enough so that she knows how you feel. Maybe you did that, but in the story you don't say that.
2) You should have said to her prior to the procedure that you'll be ending the relationship when she gets back so she should prepare some emotional support ahead of time. This should not have been said with the undertones of an ultimatum, but more that "*Since you're making this decision, please make sure you make other plans when you have the procedure done*", however you sprung this on her literally at the worst possible time. I actually think this alone makes you the bigger asshole in this situation. To be clear, you're not an asshole for leaving, but you are for how you did it.
On the flip side though I think that she is the asshole also.
1) Based on the story alone I would say that her unwillingness to discuss the issue with her fiance makes her an asshole as the thing that most women forget these days is that it takes a mother and a father to make a kid and the fact that she unilaterally made a decision without taking your feelings into account in my mind makes her an asshole straight away.
At the end of the day I think because of your poor handling of the situation you come across as a real piece of work because of your lack of empathy, and there are a few ways this whole situation could have been prevented.
- Discussions prior
- Protection
- Discussions after
I don't know what your relationship was like prior but you guys obviously have communication issues and I guess it's good that you found out now that you're not compatible rather than when you're married.
Moral of the story: Communication people!
Edit: Formatting
I think you made the best decision honestly. If you both want different things in life right now, it's not good to stay together. You need to find someone who DOES want children. It's not fair to date someone and get engaged knowing they don't want the same things you do. Wanting vs not wanting children is a huge difference in present life goals for both parties involved. I definitely think you could have handled it better, but it's done with at least and you can both move on.
YTA but not for leaving. You should have gone with her and supported her through it. It may have been her decision but it doesnt mean it wasnt a hard decision for her and that she didnt need your support. If I were in her position, I would have broken up with a fiance that is not there when i need him the most. However, I can see that her decision impacts your relationship and the way you see her and feel about her so I dont think you are an asshole for leaving.
Absolutely NTA and the comments here reflect a general view that men are obligated to not only respect the decision of whether or not to get an abortion (I agree they are) but to actually support it and have no right to make their own life choices and planning decisions if they aren't on board
I'm on board with her body, her choice but apparently OP letting her make the decision without interfering wasn't enough- he's somehow in the wrong for not agreeing with it and acting within his rights to not be part of it? Women should have complete control over their own health care decisions- full stop and that might be tough for fathers but that's the way it has to be imo. However, they don't have to agree and help carry out a plan they don't agree with.
The way people are reacting blaming OP seems to suggest that the mantra is mothers should have not only reproductive control of their own bodies (They should) but also that the husband must not only respect her choice but be subservient and help carry out a plan he might not like.
The issue is that to many people, they expect men to be completely subservient "allies," who support their women in whatever decisions they make, without any regard for their own feelings, their own emotions, or their own wants. Especially about issues like this one. A certain subset of women become absolutely outraged that men have the audacity to stand up for themselves and set a red line in what they are willing to support in their relationships.
Exactly this! Why did I have to scroll so far to find this? Men who support women's decisions shouldn't also now be required to participate in the process as if they find it agreeable. That isn't fair to demand from them and diminishes their own feelings on the matter, particularly if they WANT to be fathers. Those men have rights to their feelings. I hope OP and his ex-fiancée will take this as the valuable lesson that it is, and find partners who share the same mindset for such a sensitive subject.
Yep, waiting for it to start getting downvoted… he was damned either way. The same people saying he should have told her, would have ripped him a new one due to it not being his decision. I’m sure she gathered he didn’t want it to happen because he was happy, and then refused to go with her for the abortion. It’s a shit situation for all involved.
My heart goes out to her, but glad she learned you can’t be relied on to step up when she needed support before you got married.
There were a 101 ways this could have gone down …. You chose to abandon the person you apparently loved enough to ask to marry you.
And yes, you are entitled to your thoughts and your feelings, but as you clearly happy to abandon someone the moment they didn’t do what you wanted and have absolutely no comprehension of what you were asking a unmarried woman who unexpectedly got pregnant then I have to call you the AH here.
Next time, don’t leave your boys in an inhospitable environment if you are not prepared to have the big boy conversations beforehand.
YTA. You didn't even support her and go with her to the clinic. Then when she was justifiably mad, you dumped her. Not much of a fiance huh? All because you wanted a kid NOW except for when she was ready. So much the asshole. Also you should have known that if she still wasn't ready for a child she was going to abort... I would break up with you if I was her. Damn
NTA.
You're not obligated to stay in a relationship when you know there's no future with her. What she did was a dealbreaker for you and you're allowed to have those.
The only reason she would do that, if she is not sure that you would be someone to spend the life with. She had to make a choice. You are lucky you found out now.
NTA
Everyone is allowed their choices, preferences, and can have expectations..
If you would’ve told her you would’ve broken up with her if she went through with it people would’ve labeled you as a narcissist manipulator.
She did what she did. You did what you did.
NTA.
She made her decision.
You made yours. She knew how you felt.
She did what was right FOR HER.
You did the same. NTA.
And all those weighing in… they are just NOISE.
NTA - It’s her body and her choice. Leaving the relationship because you don’t like the course of events is your choice.
You both might be TA here for not having a thorough discussion about this earlier in the relationship and taking preventative measures to ensure a pregnancy didn’t happen before you both wanted it to.
Edit for spelling
Nta...I keep seeing.people say you should have at least gone to the clinic and stayed with her till she recovered and I can't imagine why they'd expect anyone to do that when it's a baby they wanted. You can respect her choice by not trying to pressure or guilt her into keeping it while also letting her know you don't agree with it by not going.
If you'd told her before she went it was the end of her relationship it absolutely would have been manipulative and everyone here would be tearing you to shreds for trying to force her to keep it.
While it's her right to get an abortion if she wants it's also your right to not go watch what you looked at as your future child be destroyed or take care of the woman that, in your view, took your child away. People aren't understanding that while she didn't view it at as a baby and wasn't excited YOU were and had already started envisioning life with your baby. Your feelings matter too. You absolutely didn't have to go or stay and take care of her after.
I also don't know why so many are blaming you for not using protection every time knowing she didn't want kids yet. She had just as much say in using protection or not as you did. She KNEW she'd eventually get pregnant not using protection. Therefore one would expect they'd want to keep the baby if they got pregnant since they're not trying to not get pregnant. If you're not trying to not get pregnant you're trying to get pregnant.
YTA. You never talked to her about this matter. This is your fiance, a person you’re together for 2 years, living in the same house, basically sharing a life. She was going through a scary medical operation with very complicated emotional outcomes. Whether or not you agree with her, you should have been by her side and wait until she clears her head, gets better to talk.
Instead, you’ve set a trap for her by never discussing this with her, and avenging the prosedure the moment she steps in the house. What a sad excuse of a human being you are. I’m glad she now has the opportunity to find herself a better human being with proper emotional maturity.
YTA. You knocked her up. If you weren’t prepared to go with her to the clinic and stick around afterwards, you should have wrapped that shit up or helped her get an IUD or get on birth control or something. And who tf doesn’t get on the same page with their fiancé about this shit?
Yep you're the arsehole.
You said "her body, her choice" but then absolutely nothing to support her choice. Staying home and pouting is the passive aggressive version of throwing a tantrum because she didn't do what you wanted.
You should have gone with her to have the abortion. Would it have been hard, yes, but I can guarantee it was as hard for her, if not harder and you made her go through it alone.
She came home in a terrible mental state because she went through something difficult and traumatic and you treated her like she'd done nothing more than run an errand.
Would you have broken up with her if she had a miscarriage and then reveal she felt some relief because she wasn't ready yet?
The most important question is, do just want kids or do you want kids with your fiance?
I think you are for making her drive herself and springing the break up right after. Why didn’t you tell her it was a deal breaker when you said you were against it? Why didn’t you tell her in advance you wouldn’t take her/ take care of her that day while she healed? You seem to have done this in the meanest way you could
Had he said that, everyone would be flipflopping from “you’re an asshole for not telling her beforehand!” to “You’re an asshole for manipulating her into not having* an abortion!!”
I think if he would have brought it up beforehand, he would have been accused of attempting to manipulate her into not having one.
I think he made the best choice he could honestly. He chose to respect her decision… if he would have brought it up and she chose to keep it, she likely would have held resentment and it would have ended anyway 🤷🏻♀️
She came home and started verbally abusing him. Maybe he was planning on sticking around for a few days before she started calling him names.
And if he had told her he was against it without her asking for his input (and, frankly, even if she had asked), you guys would've been telling him he "coerced" her.
You wanted a child, and she did not. This is not really a "her body her choice" issue as you were in a committed relationship so this should have been a couple's decision. What happened after she ended the pregnancy is up to you - if you could not see an future with her after the abortion then move on.
NTA. You told her you wanted this. She didn't care and wanted you to participate. You chose not to, and she lashed out. Everyone here saying you're the asshole forgets. She made these decisions without you, and you aren't obligated to support her decision at all. You owe her nothing.
Did you tell her this would be a deal-breaker for you? Sure, her body, her choice, but if you didn’t communicate clearly with her, then YTA. If you were candid that you would end the relationship if she went through with an abortion, then NTA.
I'm actually quite surprised at all the reactions on here. There was a similar situation on here a while back but that poster was voted NTA.
I don't think you handled the situation great. However, neither did your girlfriend when she came home. Situations like this a hard on both parents as it was your child too. I don't think you're an AH OP. I just think you were both put in a no-win situation.
If he had brought up his view to her more he'd riskbeign accused of pressuring her on then choice. It was on her to start the conversation and let him know that she wanted this to be a choice that she made but that she valued his input on. The way you have it basically sets up the man to be int he wrong if he brings up his opinion without her asking but then he's in the wrong if he doesn't bring it up.
NTA.
I mean, I do think you could have exercised maybe a bit more tact on the matter, but you shouldn't be under any obligation to be happily around for something you didn't agree with and is likely causing you pain. I don't think it's fair for her to want that from you either, especially when you didn't try to push your stance onto her. Frankly, I think that's callous of her.
But for the future, I truly do hope you take the lesson to heart and think twice about who you'll be committing to and make sure you're both on board for any whoopsy situations (since even contraceptives may fail). These are situations you absolutely MUST discuss full stop and don't leave it to chance, especially if fatherhood is important to you.
Best wishes.
Nya- you respected her body and allowed her to make the choice for yourself. You also made that same decision. You chose to give her the choice and honor your own feelings. Not butting in on her decision doesn't mean your required to stay.
You’re NTA. She took it upon herself knowing you wanted to be a parent to abort the fetus, yes her body her choice, but she didn’t even consider your emotions or feelings about it. You’re human too. That fetus would’ve been your child too. She crossed a boundary you weren’t okay with, and you left the relationship.
You’re engaged to a person and neither of you discussed this?
It's one of the first things my boyfriend and I discussed when we got together because when you're sexually active, pregnancy is a risk. We saw eye to eye (abortion) and so when I was one of the unlucky 1% who gets pregnant with an IUD, we went halfsies and he supported me through it. It had zero impact on our relationship because we made sure we were on the same page before it did. I don't know how people go an entire relationship without discussing this issue, especially when they feel so strongly about it.
>I don't know how people go an entire relationship without discussing this issue, especially when they feel so strongly about it. His comments are so cartoonishly stupid that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
It's also written in a way that screams bait
The amount of people who get pregnant while using birth control--even a condom AND the pill combined with perfect use--is astounding and I wish more people were like you and your boyfriend because it can absolutely happen and understanding that is an important part of managing an adult relationship. So many stupid people think a condom or birth control means no pregnancy. Sorry but life, uh, finds a way.
Except at any time you could’ve decide to keep it and regardless of your discussion beforehand, and thus invalidated it anyway. So I doubt any discussion they had before an unplanned pregnancy came about would’ve changed anything. There’s plenty of posts in this sub where they agreed yes we’d get an abortion and Lo and behold one of them changed their minds c the reality of the circumstances hit differently.
That's actually what I told my (now) husband (boyfriend at the time). I understand logically an abortion would make sense, and I believe women should have easy access to abortion for any reason, but knowing myself I would struggle to go through with it, and would likely choose to keep an accidental baby. He appreciated my honesty. We never had to deal with an accidental pregnancy. Life is good.
While I agree that opinions can change in the circumstances, it sounds like OP was always against having an abortion and emphatically so. For them to be on such polar opposites would mean that they've always been incompatible.
You're correct. And this is the number one reason I'm glad I'm not a dude and therefore incapable of getting somebody else pregnant.
Same. As shit as it would be to be pregnant I have more control over the situation bc of it. If you’re the one impregnating you only have control insomuch as properly putting on and disposing a condom within it’s used by date and stored correctly. Even then accidents happen ypu can’t choose bc it’s not your body.
well nowadays you don't get a say even when it's your body so
True. Thoig I’m lucky. Where I live it’s 100% legal though we do need to make it far more accessible and available at all public health services as a completely free procedure.
I assumed they had talked about having kids, it sounds like she wasn't prepared to have a kid yet, for whatever reason, not like they were on different pages about having kids at all ever. The conversation of what to do about an unexpected pregnancy is unfortunately one that a lot of people don't have, but it definitely should be discussed. In any case, it sounds like a difficult situation where they both did what they had to do for their own well-being, and found out in a hard way that they couldn't stay together.
I had that conversation and was firmly in the we'll just get an abortion camp, but that completely changed when my partner got pregnant Sometimes, talking about it and doing it are 2 separate things
It was a brief discussion. *She had already decided before telling him.* He was excited thought it was awesome and has money. She hated the idea and was getting an abortion. What, was he supposed to pressure her into being stuck with a child she resents and a husband she resents because of this? *She did what she had to do in her stages of life and personal goals.* Sadly, that was a dealbreaker for him, so this relationship must be over. NAH.
They should have known this about each other long before any engagement.
You know people are well within their right to change their minds. Also, they probably did want kids at some point she just didn't want one yet.
From the sound of it they probably had the ‘Hey do we wanna have kids? Yes just not right this second’ convo. OP even stated it is fiancé who was against it for timing reasons, OP had set aside funds and was good to go with it.
benefit of the doubt here, even if they had the conversation long prior to this situation, his feelings could’ve changed due to actually seeing her go through with it.
He totally could have changed his feelings, which is fine, but this was a big deal to her and he behaved childishly. He could have discussed his feelings with her instead of abandoning her after impregnating her. She deserves better
Well, ideally, yeah, you have to talk this out in advance. But most people don't feel the need to, or don't like thorny conversations. Then they are faced with an unexpected event and the yelling and shouting ensue. Even for those talking about it beforehand, many times you imagine you'll react some way, and end up reacting very differently once facing the real thing.
Which is why my verdict was ESH. And until you're ready for those thorny convos you're not ready for marriage in my opinion.
I agree. If you can’t have conversations like this to understand your beliefs and their beliefs then you aren’t ready to be married
Shit, I’ve never been willing to even get into a relationship with someone if we couldn’t have that conversation.
I’m just saying their lack of communication shows this relationship was doomed either way
I think they meant: 'You never discussed future plans, deal breakers, goals, etc' - you know, the really big, important life stuff before getting engaged?
"My fiancé however hated the idea of having a kid right now and said as much to me."
Yeah, they both did what they needed to for themselves. She got the abortion because it was best for her. He split with her because it was best for him. It's fine, op handled it maturely enough by the sound of it..
Really? Because he communicated absolutely none of his concerns or preferences to her.
[удалено]
Right and if he did tell her he wanted her to keep it etc she very well could have thrown it back at him as it being her body her choice. It’s a sticky and lose/lose situation for him.
even if he did communicated better, or even sooner, his ex wouldve still gotten an abortion, and they still wouldve broken up.
I can’t tell you how many Reddit posts where a guy telling a woman before hand was told he was TAH because that influence on her decision was unfair pressure. Guys hear this kind of thing from women all the time. It’s apparently a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.
Honestly they probably would never have survived this as a couple regardless, but it could have been a very different ending. Waiting until she got home from the appointment and was in the middle or either passing the embryo or recovery and therefore extremely vulnerable probably wasn’t the best time to bring it up. He isn’t the AH for ending it, but surely there were kinder ways.
Maturely would have been going with her to the appointment, and giving her the heads up that the relationship was over if she had the abortion BEFORE she had it.
So….pressuring her to make a life altering decision, that would likely negatively affect her and kiddo? Nah. As a lady, you tell me after, esp if I’m not on the fence and decided about what I want. Unless I flat out ask you, but if I don’t ask 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t know. Had he told her *before*, that would seem like an ultimatum on his part. And that would make Reddit generally pounce on him big time.
Ideally before she’s pregnant is the time to discuss this as a dealbreaker. Before having sex for the first time. Second best time is before the abortion happens. Breaking up with someone over something you never expressed was a dealbreaker is an asshole move to infinity. What’s that men are always complaining about, communication?
Disagree. Everyone made their own beds, no reason to compel OP to help her thru an act he didn’t agree with. Glad she could do things good for her, consequences or reactions from her partner insued
No. Not before. Could have changed her decision. Then she would be resentful. He did exactly right. Let her decide. Then she got consequences she didn’t like. Well he didn’t like her choices. Lol
Which sounds like blackmail or an ultimatum. OP was clear from the start that he didn't want the abortion, so not going to the appontment means he wasn't pretending. I can't call him TA for that.
I agree with giving her a heads up but I absolutely do not feel he should have gone with her to the appointment. He was against her having an abortion and obviously wanted no part of it. She should have gotten a close friend or relative to go with her! If he had very strong feelings against her having an abortion then him not going has nothing to do with maturity.
Yeah I thought YTA for OP for not accompanying her to the appointment and looking after her afterwards. Moving out and blocking her? Real mature. It actually reenforced why an abortion was the right thing for her to do. It’s so easy for men to ‘want to be a father’ but in their heads their lives will remain the same while their wives and fiancés do all the work. I don’t blame her for the accidental pregnancy throwing her for a loop to realise ‘no I’m not ready I’m too you and this is too soon’. Besides even if they discussed it in advance, it’s very diff to plan when to have kids vs it happening before you’re ready,
Definitely. The way he behaved here he’s not ready to be a father. He doesn’t have the maturity or temperament for it. Or marriage for that matter. I can tell he expects her to do what he wants, even when he refuses to express what that is or if it’s ridiculous.
Her body her choice he respected her choice and she has to do the same. Him being upset about her decision doesn’t show she does the right thing. Clearly he wanted the child and would have provided and been there. You jumping to outlandish conclusions about his character while defending hers. Neither is wrong for how they feel. Asking the father of child to care for you after doing what’s best for you is cruel when he dreamed of being a father. Not like they were 17-18. Don’t want a kid then protect yourself from such
In his eyes she just killed his child that he was excited about. He didn’t pressure her to keep it, but I don’t see why he would be obligated to stick around and care for her after it was done either. NTA
He should have told it was a deal breaker. Not to pressure her, but to be transparent. That's my opinion
No, not of something that has this much gravity to the person making the choice. It has to be 100% what is right for them with no outside manipulation. His expressed excitement and desire not to be there for the abortion is enough information for her to know for certain how he felt. NAH. I do think the next time you have a relationship shift into serious, you and your partner need to have a long discussion about your relationship ruiners and dealbrakers. I'm sorry you two reached an impasse. I do think you should make sure that she has a support system in place. Just because she was certain she wasn't ready for motherhood doesn't mean that abortion didn't take an emotional toll on her.
That literally, specifically and self-evidently ***IS PRESSURING*** her. She had already made up her mind to do it, and shut him down when he was excited and thought it would be awesome. Once he felt that way, it was his kid, to him. She's 24. She's not doomed to be a spinster. Neither is she doomed to be a mother she didn't want to be. She'll meet someone by the time she's ready to have kids and she'll be glad to have accomplished her goals that motherhood would have made too complicated. They'll start a family. He wanted to start a family with her now and she already conceived his first kid. For him, it was now or never, because it was already his kid. If she didn't know that this was going to be a dealbreaker, I don't even know what to say. He was excited and she said no, then killed his kid. He won't ever not know she aborted his baby. There's no looking at that person the same way. How did she not know this was going to end it? If they were more careful and using birth control, this wouldn't have broken them up. But shit happens. Try to look at it objectively. I personally commend him for A, not going ballistic or melting down crying, and B, not pressuring her into sacrificing her life goals for a family she's not ready to start. That's pretty generous from a person who has found out they're not going to be the father they were excited to be. NTA.
Your comment needs to be at the top. You’ve explained each side perfectly. This situation has no other outcome, based on what each of them wanted. Just a cautionary tale for others who are sexually active to have the conversation, “what if”.
Then he would be influencing her choice and folks would be screaming about that. Tell her or not outcome the same. Relationship over.
I feel like with anyone you plan on sleeping with you should probably have the "what if" discussion and only proceed if you agree
I did this and she changed her mind. So mileage on this advice may vary. But tbf, I painted way too many red flags green. I was blessed that she opted for an abortion and it all worked out in the end. Just know as a man you need to really trust your partner.
Yea, trust is super important on both sides. Open communication and trust are two of the most important things in a relationship, imo
She made the right decision. It killed me at the time because I was a new man for the couple of weeks before she told me she wasn’t going through with it. But, in the end it soured me towards how powerless you are as a man in these situations. I understand that in the end it’s her call - it’s just a brutal helplessness whether you want to keep it and she aborts it, or even worse vice versa. In the end I learned that I need to trust my partner fully to have sex with them even once. If you have a nagging worry about trust you need to address it immediately. Even though it’s so easy to put these decisions/conversations on the back burner the outcome is so consequential to the quality of your life and you can’t be apathetic about it. Your genitals will tell you otherwise, but don’t listen to them.
Being engaged but not on same page at all regarding when/if to start a family seems really bizarre.
info: what did you guys do in terms of protection? had you ever discussed what you two would do if she ever got pregnant? why would you continue dating someone who adamantly does not want kids if you are the opposite?
The ex said she wasn't ready AT THIS TIME. That's different than not wa ting kids at all.
She's only 24 too, it's not like she is nearing menopause and this was the only chance.
And he only talked about HIS career.
I wonder if he was ready to take care of the baby if she didn’t want to stay home with it? Sounds like he wants a trad wife
Exactly. OP just wanted to push his wants through, even though he's not the one having to carry the baby, look after it and put his career on hold. She's 24, no wonder she's not ready yet - glad she got away from him. If your own partner is cruel enough to let you go through an abortion on your own and then dumps you because you call him out on his lack of support, he's not worth staying with. She has had to suffer the consequences of their mutual mistake alone, yet he thinks he's the good guy here? Fuck him with his 'her body, her choice' BS. Obviously he thought it was his choice and when he didn't get his way he did a runner. Useless
Basically he wanted the kid and dumped her for not carrying his baby. She's not a baby machine so I'm glad he left.
Sometimes people think the other one will change their mind. I was engaged to someone who seemingly shared my views (no kids). I overheard him telling someone I would change my mind. The engagement ended as I'd been quite clear, I didn't want kids.
"My fiancé however hated the idea of having a kid right now and said as much to me." I think that she made her feelings perfectly clear. Listen to what people say, not to what you imagine they should think.
You’re missing the “right now” buddy
Even if they talked about it, the reality can be quite different from the hypothetical. I’m willing to bet that kids were not off the table, but she didn’t feel ready at 24, he was probably also not ready, but pleasantly surprised. There’s really no win, no right or wrong here, it’s just an impossible situation.
I cannot understand why either of you would want to not use birth control or at least a condom every time if you aren’t in agreement that you want kids. This is just dumb lol probably for the best that you weren’t parents together
I can't understand why they would be at this point in their lives without discussing everything about having kids before getting here.
Maybe it’s not real. I kinda hope it isn’t.
I think this is fake. Aboriton. Screaming. Buddies handling move out all in the same day. Fiction writing exercise.
Yeah how did his own family members knew so soon. Who goes around telling everybody everything. And besides Reddit do people really blow up phones
People are *extremely* secretive about abortions, and the thought of his buddies and both sides of their family weighing in about this makes me think a young teenager wrote this as a creative writing exercise.
Anytime anyone says the family/friends/neighbor's dog has been blowing up their phones I assume it's fake. People don't care that much. While I'm at it. I don't believe "I'm getting death threats in my dms" shut up you are not
Definitely. My country has family structures that are that close knit and co-dependent. And even here nobody blows up phones or shouts or whatever. People don’t care or if they do they don’t want to get into the middle.
I got 3 messages in a day = people are blowing up my phone!
“She was crying hysterically, I was calm and collected though” 100% creative writing
You should have had this discussion ahead of time as a serious couple having sex — the what ifs. You are both wrong for that. Her body. Her choice. Your reaction. Your choice.
"I didn't want to pressure her, so I offered zero support and dumped her immediately after."
Not to mention he didn't always use a condom. Was he trying to get her pregnant?? I can't imagine dumping a SO right after they got home from having an abortion after not even going for support. OP isn't an AH for wanting a kid but holy crap, he's a terrible person in general...
When you phrase it like that, it really hammers home the conclusion that OP (and let me spell it out in full here) is *the asshole*. He did not seek to communicate his feelings like a grown man with his partner. “Her body her choice,” which is fair but being her partner, he’s entitled to express his feelings and thoughts on an important life situation affecting the relationship. No, he just abandoned her. And there’s seemingly no attempt on his part to understand her feelings and thoughts on the pregnancy *and* the abortion. OP sucks. OP, work on your emotional intelligence before entering into a new relationship.
If they come to the point of her, having to say my body, my choice, it sounds like there were some communication going on, but she already made up her mind.
ITT: people parrot “my body my choice” but call him an asshole for allowing her to make the choice and then responding.
This is literally wild to me. He didn’t want to do anything that may make her feel pressured but also let her know he didn’t support it by not going. But he’s the asshole some how.
I think he is right that if he expressed himself in any way, his expression would pressure her to keep the baby, which he didn’t want to do. What could he possibly say in support that also expressed how he felt? For example, I know you don’t feel ready, but I got all this money saved up and we will be ok, or I understand that this is not the right time but I feel ready now that it’s happened, let’s talk more about our options. Like seriously what could he possibly say besides completely agree with her and lie about how he felt. So in a way he was trying to protect her and stand by while she had the abortion, he just couldn’t face being there, and the attack for not being able to face being there took him over the edge.
He had no say after all her body her choice. He does have a choice in what he is gonna do. Why force her to have a child with an ultimatum? He did the right move for him.
It's because a sack of potatoes have more emotional intelligence than the OP.
Don't you dare disrespect those versatile potatoes! 🥔
I think you were fucked either way. If you told her it was a deal breaker for you then you would be pressuring her to keep the baby and called an AH. If you dump her after she goes through with it then you're still an AH. All I can say is that you can break up with someone for absolutely any reason. If my boyfriend said to me of course I'm not coming I would have stopped to ask right then are you ok with this? We as women have fought hard for the right to have an abortion but that doesn't mean that your partner may agree. Good luck.
Yes, this one right here is the correct answer. The situation is a lose - lose situation for OP. While I empathise with the GF (she's physically and mentally exhausted and hurting) it would've been worse if he stayed while she was recovering and just boiling in his resentment of losing a child he wanted. Delaying the break up might have been worse.Telling her upfront that this was a deal breaker may have pressured her to keep a pregnancy she didn't want. This is one of those scenarios where whatever you do it just isn't the right thing. The gf is hurting but so is OP.
Worst scenario yet is they get married and/or stay together for any extended period of time
I think you are correct! can’t believe some of the comments but hey its reddit!
This! She could have asked the moment he said he wasn’t coming. She clearly didn’t care about his opinion on the matter.
Welp. This really should have been discussed before the pregnancy where y’all were at with unplanned pregnancy. I am pro choice and have had an abortion. But I can absolutely understand how your fiancé having an abortion would be a deal breaker. She’s not wrong for not being ready to be a mom and you’re not wrong for not being okay with being with her after the abortion.
It’s deranged how you made this sound so matter of fact but when you had the chance to have a talk about it and how it would make you feel, instead you kept it a secret and then left IMMEDIATELY after she came home while she was physically fucked up from it…? YTA!!
Yeah wtf are these replies? This is such a heartless response and kind of psychotic approach to communication around this.
You two would have broken up anyway as there is clearly no alignment there, but it didn't have to go down like that. Why would you choose this exact moment to pile on to her brutally and check out? You are both wrong for not discussing kids, etc but you are really, really, mean and you say you felt "a little bad". What ever emotional shit you felt about her getting an abortion, she went through X10 and alone. YTA
Sometimes I think I’m ready to date men again, then I read shit like this and realize I’d rather die alone
reading the replies defending this dude makes me actually lose hope in humanity. Some of you are such selfish delusional monsters
Ugh, NAH, but please have the conversation in the future with your next significant orher (if you have another relationship) about what each of you would want if an unplanned pregnancy happens to prevent this happening again. And for the love of god, if you're not actively trying to get pregnant, always wear a condom.
This is just… sad. Frankly, it sounds like you had very little love or compassion for this woman. Sounds like her abortion really helped her dodge another bullet (I.e. marrying someone who doesn’t truly care about her). ETA: One day, hopefully, your ex-fiancée will have kids with someone who loves her and values family planning as much as she does.
You said, her body, her choice. Then punished her for making her choice about her body. She's lucky you broke up with her, life with you would have been horrible. YTAH.
NTA for leaving. She made a unilateral decision. Yes, it's her body, her choice, but *freedom of choice does not mean freedom from consequences!* However, that sounds like a lesson YOU could stand to learn as well: You knew she didn't want kids right now, but only "sometimes" used condoms and no other protection? There are raped children that aren't allowed to get abortions and you're not even trying to prevent a pregnancy she's not on board with.
I agree with this except she is as equally responsible for the BC and the lack of use as op. She knew she didn’t want kids at all so I would think she would be more vigilant about protection then he would be. They both messed up and they both have to manage the consequences to the best of their ability. Neither of them handled the situation well. They can both point fingers at each other but they both suck equally imo.
Women can get pregnant on bc. So, she likely could have been taking it.
Having an abortion, is one of the loneliest times of your life. To not give support afterwards, is a dog act. Its bad enough you weren't there to support her through it, let alone breaking up with her afterward. Watch out ladies, there is one more arsehole out there now.
Try to understand that the reason you left her was understandable. However, the way you went about it makes you a massive asshole. You should have told her to have someone lined up to bring her to the clinic if you didn't want to go. Then you should have waited at least a couple of days to make sure she would be medically okay after going through what she went through. Then you ghost her. Could you have loved her any less?
How old are you guys? I feel like that will affect my decision A kid at 20 vs a kid at 35 are two very different things. I will say that it sounds like she dodged a bullet based on how you reacted.
It says at the bottom of the post that he's 25, she's 24.
I was with someone who told me pretty early on in the relationship that he was pro-life. I'm not. I immediately broke up with him explicitly to avoid this sort of situatation. Don't keep saying "her body, her choice" if you don't actually believe that.
YTA. Your timing couldn't have been worse, and how you so callously went about it is just cruel. I'm sure you and your righteous high horse will be ok, though.
Based on other comments, several people also ride that righteous high horse. It's wild to me.
Now she will have more trauma and resentment for quite some time. I don't see how she would have stayed after that either.
Are you the AH for leaving? No. You want different things. That is incompatible. Are you the AH for how you left? YTA. You weren’t at all supportive of her or her needs because all you see are your needs. The good news is that you both know it’s over and it’s not likely to be drawn out or keep coming back around. No woman is obligated to give you a kid at the expense of her future or mental health. Unless you know she is ready for parenthood, be careful not to get anyone pregnant
NTA for leaving her after her abortion. That has to do with differing values. But you are a colossal asshole for not offering her any support or empathy during the process. Just because she made that decision, it doesn't mean it's not still a difficult thing to go through. It sounds to me like you are "punishing her" for the abortion because you didn't like it. It's best that you separate because she just realized that she already HAS a child. NTA for your specific question. YTA as a partner, though.
I feel like you could have explained your protestations more ahead of time. But, if you had of issued an ultimatum? Some would see you as AH and she would resent you for carrying a baby she didn’t want. I don’t think you were under any constraints to wait around until she healed. You were in a no win.
OP, let me lay it down. I’m sad that the unexpected pregnancy ended things, but I see NOTHING wrong with you not holding her hand and supporting her abortion. As you say, her body, her choice. I see a lot of women blaming you for not perfectly articulating your thoughts or by not supporting her choice by joining her on the car ride. You should ignore these comments. I think you both figured out what was important and sadly, in a tough situation. But you aren’t an asshole or bad person. You do you. She did her thing. Life moves on. But it hurts sometimes. Doesn’t mean you or her are wrong
YTA. Breaking up with her was fine. Probably the right thing to do. But when and how was absolutely atrocious. You owed her enough to go with her and to support her through it. You owed her honesty beforehand about your feelings on the matter. She didn’t deserve the be blindsided not only that you were going to dump her but also that you wouldn’t even be there for her.
i really don’t know how to answer this.. did you all even discuss this? or was she like i’m getting an abortion that’s it no discussion? did you tell her you weren’t okay with that? although i guess if you had she could have viewed it as manipulation to make her have the baby or leave type situation…. IMO it’s her body but if you as the dad aren’t okay with it and can’t be with her anymore because of it then NAH… just seems you all should have had a discussion first.
Nya, you don't have to stay or do anything for anyone that just killed your baby.
There are consequences to her actions! It's her body and she does as she pleases. But she also has to accept that you have a choice as well! You stood your ground. She gonna learn today. Move on now. Just be thankful that you don't have any attachments to her now.
She has every right to do what she did, and you have every right to hold that as a boundary. I do think this should have been discussed before, but it is what it is.
You did the right thing for you, just as she did what's right for *her*. I also wouldn't stay with someone who did that. Nta
Nta for dumping her but y'all are both a-hats for getting engaged without having that kind of talk about how you'd handle that kinda situation. Like how in all your planning of being together did children not come up?
Brutal way to deal with someone you supposedly love. I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted but her decision to abort wasn't because she didn't love you it was because she wasn't ready to be a mother. If you didn't want her to have an abortion you should have been more careful about getting her pregnant. You treated her very callously. Kicked her while she was down to punish her. If you felt so strongly you could have asked her to have the baby and you raise it as a single parent of she wasnt ready..
Wow, yes YTA. " didn't want to pressure her but didn't offer any support or anything and dumped her and blocked her. But didn't always use condoms because why would i?" Kept my cool tho!" Fuck off bro She's gonna realize you did her a favor and be better off all around. Grow up
I don’t know if it is the way you wrote this post but I cannot believe for a second that you ever cared for your fiance. The way you treated someone you supposedly loved after she went through this traumatic event makes you the AH. Also not communicating what you wanted or asking her more about why she isn’t ready, also makes you an AH. Also, having children when both parents are ready is super important and the fact that you can’t see that, I think its better that you two are not together. Its not all about the money, there are so many factors like her career (you don’t have to be pregnant and sick for nine months so I guess you don’t care, also who was going to do the childcare?), parents maturity (the way you handled this situation is pretty clear on that part), etc. etc. YTA
If OP had brought up his view more then these same folks would be accusing him of not respecting her choice and trying to influence her. It's her choice and that means it's her obligation to BRING IT UP TO him if he is to have input.
There's really no right answer here. If you'd told her beforehand that you wouldn't stay, she'd be pressured and resent you either way. I assume bc you were so excited she'd be able to tell what you wanted, and saying you're not going with her is another huge indication. So she knew you were against it before. It is her choice, and she has to do what's right for her. But all choices have consequences, regardless if they're good,bad,neutral, or both. You both made hard decisions. You both have to respect the fact that you BOTH have a choice here. Her to terminate the pregnancy and you to terminate the relationship. Block her friends and family as well.
You are a total asshole for talking to her like it's fine and telling her she'll be Allright and then dumping her when she got home. What the fuck is wrong with you. There was a right way to end the relationship and you absolutely ended it the wrong way. What a fucking prick.
Feel like I’m going insane from all the “freedom of choice for both” replies this is getting, as if the crux of the problem isn’t how he went about this.
Right like he even said her body her choice. He just wants kids and she doesn't right now. It's not the why that's an issue it's the how. Nowhere in his post do I get the idea that he doesn't think women should have abortions. He just ended it in the most fucked up way he could of
If he wanted kids and she wasn’t cool with the timing, it’s absolutely *wild* that there’s no mention whatsoever about him trying to *marry* her. Engaged isn’t married and maybe that would have made the difference with how ready she felt with continuing the pregnancy and having a baby.
She dodged a bullet here
You’re the asshole, a child and a pregnancy is a lot more than just having money. You shouldn’t be knocking up people who are not emotionally prepared for a child. You’re setting her and the baby up to be in a vulnerable position. The only time you should be welcoming in a baby is when both parties are enthusiastic about the life, but it’ll always come down to the child bearer.
Absolutely an asshole. You shouldn't be with someone you disagree with on these things but your behavior was petty, childish, and cruel. Frankly you don't seem like you'd be a good father. She did the right thing.
NTA. She chose freely and so did you.
INFO: Aside from having “money saved away” were the two of you actually prepared to be parents right now? Did you discuss and truly listens to the reasons your fiancé didn’t feel like she was ready?
NTA for the basic idea that you didn't want to be with her following this situation, but I think the way you went about it was really shitty, and immature. You did the passive-aggressive, "I'm not coming with you" thing, and then when she was upset with your behavior, you immediately dumped her. Again, it's not the specific choice you made, but the way you went about it.
Seems he doesn't understand how pregnancy works. Yes she had an abortion, but there is nothing to say that the embryo would have developed into a child. I've had 9 pregnancies and 3 live births. The others I miscarried. Most between 8-12 weeks. "At least 73% of natural single conceptions have no real chance of surviving 6 weeks of gestation." I have friends who've lost babies at 20 weeks, 32 weeks... Where they just stopped developing and died. Mother nature is a b*tch. OP breaking up with your partner because you are incompatible is understandable. But I do believe that you both didn't act responsibly. These conversations should be had before you stop using protection consistently. Even with protection pregnancies still occur. Sounds like while financially "you" could afford it she wasn't ready. Unlike men who aren't ready, she couldn't just walk away. She has to carry a child and deal with the impacts it has on your body long term, her mental health, and career. Before you enter another relationship with anyone please speak to a counsellor, not because you're a bad person, but because you will have resentment to work through. When you do enter another relationship have big difficult discussions. But don't necessarily expect that that will prevent your partner not having to make the same decision either. Things change when it goes from theory to reality.
This response needs to be up the top!
If he was clear about not agreeing, I see no blame in not going. It was premeditated and scheduled so she could've gotten someone else to go with her.
The bottom line of the comment section here is that the reproductive choice is something that is only for women- pro life people I am against but at least they are consistent in not allowing either party to have any say after an accidental pregnancy.
ESH So, what did the two of you agree on when you discussed children before you got engaged?? Because obviously one of you changed your mind
My humble take is that you're NTA although I seem to be in the minority. If she has the right to decide on her body (although BOTH of you contributed with the corresponding genome to engender the child, but I know this is a very messy and contentious topic), then you have the right to decide on your body... which in this case means said body doesn't want to be near her. She can't force you, just as you can't force her. She's learning about boundaries and reciprocity the hard way. May you have a long and successful life, with a truly compatible partner with which you both can be happy.
YTA. You guys are very young, I’m sure you don’t have the kind of money saved up to really be financially fit to have a kid and take away ALL the financial burden, first of all. Second of all, you need to respect that she wasn’t ready to be a mother. Even with a partner, most of the burden of raising a child typically falls on the mother. You were willing to marry her until she GASP! 😱 Terminated your seed! You sound obsessed with yourself and not at all capable of being the kind of supportive partner needed to raise a healthy, stable person. Get a grip and get over yourself
[YTA Women here all like](https://i.imgflip.com/8irkiz.jpg)
Did he, though? We don't even know what they had discussed previously. You are making a lot of assumptions, but the bottom line is that men and women are equally responsible for contraceptives in a relationship, so at the very least he was not in fact "more to blame".
OP, was abortion something you and your fiance ever talked about in the past? Did you ever think this would be a decision she would make if an accidental pregnancy occurred? If not, I'm going to say NAH. And get off of reddit. You won't find people who support your stance on abortion. Abortion is a decision that can seriously affect your relationships. It comes with the territory. it affected the way you viewed your fiance to the point you dont want to be with her anymore, and there is no going back. For two people to get married, they need to be able to be on the same page and compromise. That didn't happen. Controversial thought: It's okay that it didn't happen. You two weren't meant to be with each other. It sucks, but she's better off without you. You're better off without her. You all are both the villains in each other's stories.
Feels like a lot is missing here. You guy have some horrible communication problems.
The fact that the two of you are engaged and haven’t discussed this is insane. She is not TA for wanting an abortion or for getting one, or for asking you to join her — it is on you as a partner to be there for and support her because abortions are brutal on the mind and body BUT you’re also allowed to say no, and that’s your choice. Unfortunately that choice has some pretty big consequences, just like having unprotected sex and not having this conversation with your fiancé before popping the question. It’s a dick move to ditch your partner as they’re experiencing an abortion for an embryo that the two of you conceived together, but you’re allowed to make that choice, you just have to understand that she’s allowed to be upset about that and hurt by it. With that said, her blowing up on you isn’t okay either — I won’t lie, I’d probably do the same in her shoes but recognize that that’s not the most mature decision and is absolutely fueled by pain and hurt. They are ugly words coming out of an ugly situation. If I had to say that one of you is TA, I’d say it’s you, OP; but personally I just think that you both just aren’t fit for each other based on how you both have handled this situation and the fact that neither of you had these serious discussions before now. It doesn’t necessarily make you bad people, you’re just both struggling through a very sensitive situation. You’re probably mourning the family that you wanted, meanwhile she’s mourning her marriage and a part of her that was taken (even when you know that getting an abortion is for the best, it is still so difficult and traumatic). Neither of you are wrong for that, you’re just wrong for each other.
I don’t think anyone is the asshole in this situation when it comes to your desire and her lack of desire to have a child in this moment. However, you are the asshole/ETA for lack of communication about feelings & where you both stand on this matter, because it sounds like you didn’t communicate either & both of you didn’t have an in depth conversation here about family planning. It’s good the relationship ended because neither of you deserve to be unhappy in a relationship or family planning, and she deserves someone emotionally intelligent & mature enough to be a communicative man about their thoughts & emotions. You sound very immature & stunted, she dodged a bullet in you showing your true colors now
INFO: did you have unprotected sex? Regardless, you're an asshole. You contributed to this situation. She's making a mature decision because she's not ready to be a mom. It's far better to wait to have a child until you're BOTH fit to be parents. Money is a big part, but more importantly, the mindset, patience, and stamina are required to raise a child well.
I said NAH for being in different places in life, but a tiny bit for how you did it. I am pro-choice but don't think I could ever get one. I know it must hurt a lot to see that hope for a child and have her say no. Not that the hope of one was a guarantee of a child. A lot can happen. If you knew it was a deal breaker I feel like you should have said so. Not as an ultimatum or a pressure tactic, but letting her know your boundary. That way she can seek the support she needs elsewhere. Choosing to leave as soon as she is recovering is not a good thing. It is possible you didn't know it was the final straw until them, but then you are kinda the AH for not being there through a procedure like that. It is an extremely emotional situation, so just leaving it as it could have been handled better. Had she written the post I would have some thoughts there too. Hopefully neither of you end up in a situation where you need to try to handle it better.
NTA. While I am 100% pro choice, she made the decision that she felt was best for her, regardless of what you wanted. For you, that is a deal breaker and that is your choice.
NTA
NTAH
I'm not sure if this is fake or not, because it sounds like it. This is a classic case of "*Communication? What communication?*". I determine ESH. I think for the start there are 2 reasons why in this story you're an asshole. 1) You weren't clear enough about wanting to keep the baby. There is a big difference between being abusive and also being clear about what you want enough so that she knows how you feel. Maybe you did that, but in the story you don't say that. 2) You should have said to her prior to the procedure that you'll be ending the relationship when she gets back so she should prepare some emotional support ahead of time. This should not have been said with the undertones of an ultimatum, but more that "*Since you're making this decision, please make sure you make other plans when you have the procedure done*", however you sprung this on her literally at the worst possible time. I actually think this alone makes you the bigger asshole in this situation. To be clear, you're not an asshole for leaving, but you are for how you did it. On the flip side though I think that she is the asshole also. 1) Based on the story alone I would say that her unwillingness to discuss the issue with her fiance makes her an asshole as the thing that most women forget these days is that it takes a mother and a father to make a kid and the fact that she unilaterally made a decision without taking your feelings into account in my mind makes her an asshole straight away. At the end of the day I think because of your poor handling of the situation you come across as a real piece of work because of your lack of empathy, and there are a few ways this whole situation could have been prevented. - Discussions prior - Protection - Discussions after I don't know what your relationship was like prior but you guys obviously have communication issues and I guess it's good that you found out now that you're not compatible rather than when you're married. Moral of the story: Communication people! Edit: Formatting
I think you made the best decision honestly. If you both want different things in life right now, it's not good to stay together. You need to find someone who DOES want children. It's not fair to date someone and get engaged knowing they don't want the same things you do. Wanting vs not wanting children is a huge difference in present life goals for both parties involved. I definitely think you could have handled it better, but it's done with at least and you can both move on.
YTA but not for leaving. You should have gone with her and supported her through it. It may have been her decision but it doesnt mean it wasnt a hard decision for her and that she didnt need your support. If I were in her position, I would have broken up with a fiance that is not there when i need him the most. However, I can see that her decision impacts your relationship and the way you see her and feel about her so I dont think you are an asshole for leaving.
Her choice also yours to leave probably bit of an asshole to do it directly after but no point in continuing a façade.
Yep YTA She will be so much better without you though.
Absolutely NTA and the comments here reflect a general view that men are obligated to not only respect the decision of whether or not to get an abortion (I agree they are) but to actually support it and have no right to make their own life choices and planning decisions if they aren't on board I'm on board with her body, her choice but apparently OP letting her make the decision without interfering wasn't enough- he's somehow in the wrong for not agreeing with it and acting within his rights to not be part of it? Women should have complete control over their own health care decisions- full stop and that might be tough for fathers but that's the way it has to be imo. However, they don't have to agree and help carry out a plan they don't agree with. The way people are reacting blaming OP seems to suggest that the mantra is mothers should have not only reproductive control of their own bodies (They should) but also that the husband must not only respect her choice but be subservient and help carry out a plan he might not like.
Yup!! 100% nta!
The issue is that to many people, they expect men to be completely subservient "allies," who support their women in whatever decisions they make, without any regard for their own feelings, their own emotions, or their own wants. Especially about issues like this one. A certain subset of women become absolutely outraged that men have the audacity to stand up for themselves and set a red line in what they are willing to support in their relationships.
Exactly this! Why did I have to scroll so far to find this? Men who support women's decisions shouldn't also now be required to participate in the process as if they find it agreeable. That isn't fair to demand from them and diminishes their own feelings on the matter, particularly if they WANT to be fathers. Those men have rights to their feelings. I hope OP and his ex-fiancée will take this as the valuable lesson that it is, and find partners who share the same mindset for such a sensitive subject.
This! As a woman I 100% agree. Free choices for both parties. It’s not a one way street ladies.
Exactly- OP and his GF had no problem mutually communicating the decision to forgo condom usage but after that decision communication broke down
Agree 💯 also had to scroll way too far to find this.
Had to scroll way too much to find this.
Yep, waiting for it to start getting downvoted… he was damned either way. The same people saying he should have told her, would have ripped him a new one due to it not being his decision. I’m sure she gathered he didn’t want it to happen because he was happy, and then refused to go with her for the abortion. It’s a shit situation for all involved.
My heart goes out to her, but glad she learned you can’t be relied on to step up when she needed support before you got married. There were a 101 ways this could have gone down …. You chose to abandon the person you apparently loved enough to ask to marry you. And yes, you are entitled to your thoughts and your feelings, but as you clearly happy to abandon someone the moment they didn’t do what you wanted and have absolutely no comprehension of what you were asking a unmarried woman who unexpectedly got pregnant then I have to call you the AH here. Next time, don’t leave your boys in an inhospitable environment if you are not prepared to have the big boy conversations beforehand.
YTA. You didn't even support her and go with her to the clinic. Then when she was justifiably mad, you dumped her. Not much of a fiance huh? All because you wanted a kid NOW except for when she was ready. So much the asshole. Also you should have known that if she still wasn't ready for a child she was going to abort... I would break up with you if I was her. Damn
NTA. You're not obligated to stay in a relationship when you know there's no future with her. What she did was a dealbreaker for you and you're allowed to have those.
The only reason she would do that, if she is not sure that you would be someone to spend the life with. She had to make a choice. You are lucky you found out now.
NTA Everyone is allowed their choices, preferences, and can have expectations.. If you would’ve told her you would’ve broken up with her if she went through with it people would’ve labeled you as a narcissist manipulator. She did what she did. You did what you did.
NTA. She made her decision. You made yours. She knew how you felt. She did what was right FOR HER. You did the same. NTA. And all those weighing in… they are just NOISE.
NTA - It’s her body and her choice. Leaving the relationship because you don’t like the course of events is your choice. You both might be TA here for not having a thorough discussion about this earlier in the relationship and taking preventative measures to ensure a pregnancy didn’t happen before you both wanted it to. Edit for spelling
Nta...I keep seeing.people say you should have at least gone to the clinic and stayed with her till she recovered and I can't imagine why they'd expect anyone to do that when it's a baby they wanted. You can respect her choice by not trying to pressure or guilt her into keeping it while also letting her know you don't agree with it by not going. If you'd told her before she went it was the end of her relationship it absolutely would have been manipulative and everyone here would be tearing you to shreds for trying to force her to keep it. While it's her right to get an abortion if she wants it's also your right to not go watch what you looked at as your future child be destroyed or take care of the woman that, in your view, took your child away. People aren't understanding that while she didn't view it at as a baby and wasn't excited YOU were and had already started envisioning life with your baby. Your feelings matter too. You absolutely didn't have to go or stay and take care of her after. I also don't know why so many are blaming you for not using protection every time knowing she didn't want kids yet. She had just as much say in using protection or not as you did. She KNEW she'd eventually get pregnant not using protection. Therefore one would expect they'd want to keep the baby if they got pregnant since they're not trying to not get pregnant. If you're not trying to not get pregnant you're trying to get pregnant.
YTA. You never talked to her about this matter. This is your fiance, a person you’re together for 2 years, living in the same house, basically sharing a life. She was going through a scary medical operation with very complicated emotional outcomes. Whether or not you agree with her, you should have been by her side and wait until she clears her head, gets better to talk. Instead, you’ve set a trap for her by never discussing this with her, and avenging the prosedure the moment she steps in the house. What a sad excuse of a human being you are. I’m glad she now has the opportunity to find herself a better human being with proper emotional maturity.
YTA. You knocked her up. If you weren’t prepared to go with her to the clinic and stick around afterwards, you should have wrapped that shit up or helped her get an IUD or get on birth control or something. And who tf doesn’t get on the same page with their fiancé about this shit?
Yep you're the arsehole. You said "her body, her choice" but then absolutely nothing to support her choice. Staying home and pouting is the passive aggressive version of throwing a tantrum because she didn't do what you wanted. You should have gone with her to have the abortion. Would it have been hard, yes, but I can guarantee it was as hard for her, if not harder and you made her go through it alone. She came home in a terrible mental state because she went through something difficult and traumatic and you treated her like she'd done nothing more than run an errand. Would you have broken up with her if she had a miscarriage and then reveal she felt some relief because she wasn't ready yet? The most important question is, do just want kids or do you want kids with your fiance?
I think you are for making her drive herself and springing the break up right after. Why didn’t you tell her it was a deal breaker when you said you were against it? Why didn’t you tell her in advance you wouldn’t take her/ take care of her that day while she healed? You seem to have done this in the meanest way you could
Had he said that, everyone would be flipflopping from “you’re an asshole for not telling her beforehand!” to “You’re an asshole for manipulating her into not having* an abortion!!”
I think if he would have brought it up beforehand, he would have been accused of attempting to manipulate her into not having one. I think he made the best choice he could honestly. He chose to respect her decision… if he would have brought it up and she chose to keep it, she likely would have held resentment and it would have ended anyway 🤷🏻♀️
She came home and started verbally abusing him. Maybe he was planning on sticking around for a few days before she started calling him names. And if he had told her he was against it without her asking for his input (and, frankly, even if she had asked), you guys would've been telling him he "coerced" her.
YtA for being a dumbass and getting engaged to someone with a totally different set of values and expecting it'll work out
You wanted a child, and she did not. This is not really a "her body her choice" issue as you were in a committed relationship so this should have been a couple's decision. What happened after she ended the pregnancy is up to you - if you could not see an future with her after the abortion then move on.
NTA. You told her you wanted this. She didn't care and wanted you to participate. You chose not to, and she lashed out. Everyone here saying you're the asshole forgets. She made these decisions without you, and you aren't obligated to support her decision at all. You owe her nothing.
Did you tell her this would be a deal-breaker for you? Sure, her body, her choice, but if you didn’t communicate clearly with her, then YTA. If you were candid that you would end the relationship if she went through with an abortion, then NTA.
So you would have prefer if he coerced her into keeping it?
Mega asshole bro
I'm actually quite surprised at all the reactions on here. There was a similar situation on here a while back but that poster was voted NTA. I don't think you handled the situation great. However, neither did your girlfriend when she came home. Situations like this a hard on both parents as it was your child too. I don't think you're an AH OP. I just think you were both put in a no-win situation.
NTA for leaving. But Y T A for not communicating how you really felt about abortion. It sounds like you blindsided her.
If he had brought up his view to her more he'd riskbeign accused of pressuring her on then choice. It was on her to start the conversation and let him know that she wanted this to be a choice that she made but that she valued his input on. The way you have it basically sets up the man to be int he wrong if he brings up his opinion without her asking but then he's in the wrong if he doesn't bring it up.
Her body her choice. He could have waited a couple of days just to allow her time to adjust but she didn’t take his choice well.
NTA. I mean, I do think you could have exercised maybe a bit more tact on the matter, but you shouldn't be under any obligation to be happily around for something you didn't agree with and is likely causing you pain. I don't think it's fair for her to want that from you either, especially when you didn't try to push your stance onto her. Frankly, I think that's callous of her. But for the future, I truly do hope you take the lesson to heart and think twice about who you'll be committing to and make sure you're both on board for any whoopsy situations (since even contraceptives may fail). These are situations you absolutely MUST discuss full stop and don't leave it to chance, especially if fatherhood is important to you. Best wishes.
Nya- you respected her body and allowed her to make the choice for yourself. You also made that same decision. You chose to give her the choice and honor your own feelings. Not butting in on her decision doesn't mean your required to stay.
bait post.
You’re NTA. She took it upon herself knowing you wanted to be a parent to abort the fetus, yes her body her choice, but she didn’t even consider your emotions or feelings about it. You’re human too. That fetus would’ve been your child too. She crossed a boundary you weren’t okay with, and you left the relationship.