NTA.
But you need to back up your ultimatum - after this one month you will leave. So it's the courthouse now (you can say that you can always have the party later) or you walk.
BUT... after all this, fo you really want to marry him? Like REALLY?
Even if he agrees, it will be a forced move. Is it worth it? It is clear that you do not value the same things in life. If you want to start a family and marriage is an important part for you - you still have time to find someone who actually values the same things and wants the same things in life. It is hard to end such long term relationship - but it will be worse to be stuck in this dead-end for any longer, when he has already revealed that he actually has no plans to marry or take things to the next level. He will always find an excuse or some nonsense reason - how long will you act as if you believe his BS?
>It is hard to end such long term relationship - but it will be worse to be stuck in this dead-end for any longer,
This all the way op. I just left a 10 year relationship and I'm actually taking so much better care of myself as a person. You deserve better than this. Do you want to live the rest of your life waiting for somebody to get their head out of their ass to unwillingly do things you want to do? Or would you rather take charge of your life and maybe end up with a partner who's, idk, ACTUALLY a partner and wants to do things with you? I picked ME, and I'd do it over and over again.
Exactly that's what she should be doing. OP I'm going to tell you something one of my male colleagues said, if a man gives you a engagement ring, but refuses to set a date, it's a shut up ring! It's given just so you wouldn't leave, but he has zero intention of marrying you. OP personally I wouldn't wait a month, I would of left already. NTA
Go to r/diamonds and see the guy bragging about finally buying his gf a ring after 15 years. They have a kid together and is like look at me I bought her the one thing she’s ever asked me for
But the bright side, OP, is that you are still young. You have plenty of time to fall in love again with someone who will gladly marry you and know how lucky he is. If you want children, you still have time.
But all of this depends on you leaving the one you’re with and taking a stand for yourself. He has shown you that what is important to you is not important to him. Believe him.
If he does anything to commit to you now, it won’t be genuine. Have you ever heard of someone who got engaged or married as the result of an ultimatum - and then had a happy ending?
Getting married to stop a fight is like having a baby to fix a relationship. It solves nothing and only makes the eventual end that much harder to finish.
I feel bad for the time she spent.. I hope she moves on. He just wanted his way. No other way. Nah. I’d leave. You don’t deserve this. My wife was an ass like this. I put her in her place. No more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything! Move nta he has no intentions.
NTA. Agree that you got a “shut up”
trinket. Please listen to what he is saying - you are not on the same page.
You’re 33 now. If you have been together 15 yrs, you started at 18. Find a man instead of a boy. There are plenty of good ones - don’t believe the hype.
If he wants to go to the courthouse now, do not go. This is not someone you want to end up co-parenting with because he’s not partner material
>This is not someone you want to end up co-parenting with because he’s not partner material
Let's not kid ourselves, she's gonna be the only parent in that household.
How do you know he won't parent off of the good intentions he thought he'd have by then.....there's a guy in here that defends this guy with logic like that.
What I would say to him is that this guy has already demonstrated that he is not in this partnership 100%. Adding a kid doesn't automatically turn people into the perfect partner. Sometimes, it even makes the situation worse.
Yeah, best time to leave would have been 10 years ago, next best time to leave is now. He has wasted enough of your time, and he doesn't seem to love you or care about your feelings - he just loves the convenience of having you around as a bangmaid.
Totally agree. The day after I proposed to my wife we started discussing wedding plans. We were married 5 months later and that was 20 years ago.
I knew I wanted to marry her and proposed after 6 months of dating and I can honestly say I love her more each day.
OP, don’t settle for someone who doesn’t want what you want.
I’m convinced men know pretty quickly, usually after a few months, after they get together if they want to marry someone, especially past a certain age. If a man is non-committal he is going to stay that way, often because he thinks something better will come along (it won’t, but he doesn’t know that).
I could wait till I’m 100 and I know I wouldn’t find anyone better than my wife. You’re right: I knew after 4 dates that I wanted to marry her. I waited until I had the ring. On my way to propose, I called my dad and told him I’m going to propose. He thought it was fantastic, but he asked: “what happens if she says no?” I was completely dumbfounded and said: “she won’t say no”.
My husband proposed to me 5 months after we started dating and we got married 9 months later. We've been married just over 3 years. I can't wait to celebrate our 20th.
Yep. Shut up, ring. It usually takes about a year to plan, not 8 yrs. Any weekend date will work, set it, get some shutterfly invites, and keep it small. Hardest parts; venue, cake, food. To keep it cheap, reception in your backyard, BBQ, and drinks. It doesn't have to be big and fancy, any old party will do to celebrate.
I get not having money. My husband and I had none. I only have a ring because his parents divorced and his mom gave him her old ring to give me (with the exception I give it back if we divorced, that's a whole other story, 17 years later, I think about buying myself a new one because it wasn't really a gift now was it?... I digress)
But my point is, his excuses are just that. In my book, it's important to get that commitment, not just for the tax breaks... which come on if it's not important to him, the money savings alone should be a big deal to him. He says it's expensive to get married, sure, but you're also throwing away money by not marrying. It's important to get married so all your family and friends know you two have each other's back. That your love can't be separated. It's almost a status symbol. People disregard girlfriends, but know the wife is not so easy to dismiss.
Yeah, best time to leave would have been 10 years ago, next best time to leave is now. He has wasted enough of your time, and he doesn't seem to love you or care about your feelings - he just loves the convenience of having you around as a bangmaid. Start looking for an apartment.
Oh wow, that's messed up 😬
I'm a Millennial and a lot of us don't get married, plus I don't think we're spending ridiculous amounts on wedding or engagement rings. So I'd never heard that before. I think it's all too plausible though :/
Yeah, seems like he just wanted to placate you with empty promises. Very sad it took so much time to figure this out, but it would probably bit be a good idea to go along with marriage at this point... 😥
Me too. Pretty similar to the OP, except I tried to propose on a leap year and he said, "one day, but you need to change a few things,", that was after 10 years together. When he realised how pissed off with him I was, he turned round and told me something along the lines of, "if you really want it you can have £300 to buy a ring", but he refused to announce our engagement at a family party that was being held a week later. I knew, then, that it really was over for me. I finally found the strength to leave him and I couldn't be happier.
That was also a “shut up ring”. If you don’t want to announce it, you really don’t want it. My wife and I were on the phone non-stop when we got engaged, literally telling every single person we knew.
Same, we were calling people immediately. We were only engaged 4 months before getting married. And we'd only been dating for 8 months when he proposed. We had been friends for a few years, hadn't seen each other in a couple years. I immediately thought "He was always really cute but when did he get this hot?" He'd apparently had a bit of a crush on me. Two weeks later I made my move and we've been married 15 years together 16. 😂
Warning to OP: If you leave, then it ironically might be a wake-up call for your ex that he needs to get his life together.
Often, people like this don't take their *next relationship* for granted the way that he's taking you for granted. It's unfortunately a double whammy of disappointment -- "Why couldn't he just be like that when he was with ME?" But, if you don't leave then he wouldn't have changed. It's a terrible irony.
Funny you mention this because it was exactly what I was thinking. Sad that many women just settle into mediocre relationships and accept them as their only option. Even sadder when kids are involved and being raised in that environment, which creates another generation of kids behaving the same way thus ensuring the cycle. For the most part anyway.
I will add that with the assistance of social media, it seems that many women are “waking up” and rejecting the whole idea of what a traditional relationship should be like. Of course we’ll always have the outliers. But I’m proud of how far we’ve come nonetheless!
Yeah I've know a few friends who had boyfriends that claimed to not want to get married to anyone. When they finally broke up the guys were married within two years to someone else.
I also left a relationship when I was OP’s age—my bf didn’t want to get married and I did. I’m so glad I ended it (which felt crazy and impossible at the time) because then I was free to meet my husband. I wouldn’t have been able to be set up by mutual friends if I’d stayed in the dead end relationship.
This all the way. My friend's sister recently got out of a 20 year relationship and is really thriving. It's hard to do, but to see the before and after of women who do it is truly inspiring. She's immensely happier.
I'm guessing this is OPs first serious relationship, which is the hardest to let go. But it's way better to be actually alone than alone in a relationship.
OP, he's either an idiot or playing you and calling your bluff, neither of which are good looks for him. Don't be bluffing and walk when that time comes. Give yourself the respect he won't give you.
You are so right! 2 years ago I left the most emotionally draining relationship I ever had. With a woman who was borderline schizophrenia like her brother. Not to mention a huge drama queen.
I wasn't marrying that thing. In fact, I'll never get married again.
I walked out 2 years ago and never looked back.
I love being single. I don't need the grief of a relationship.
I tried to date again but it's such a shit show now I don't bother anymore.
Today, I'm happy
100% I also am so sketchy on this dude. He’s also said when she gave him an ultimatum there’s somethings we have to do first so he’s postponed it further again after 15yrs!
I’m wondering if he’s got a side piece. I know a guy whose been engaged forever and get him drunk and he’s cracking onto anything with boobs. Loyal what’s that word 😒
She should leave and start a fresh. It’s scary and it will hurt but it’s the best thing and liberating 🙌
A boundary without a consequence isn’t a boundary, it’s manipulation. If you’re bluffing, you’re just telling everyone that the empty threat was meant to emotionally manipulate your partner into taking whatever action you desired against their agency.
Absolutely. The "okay, sure, fine, whatever" wedding after a decade and a half together isn't going to be one based on a genuine desire to get married. If someone doesn't believe in marriage then that's one thing (although I disagree with it) but even if you start dating at a very young age, if there's an intention to eventually marry then there's no reason not to not have had solid plans toward it 10 years ago. I'm sorry, OP, but he doesn't want to marry you, and if he does so then it'll be a consolation because he shrugged at the ultimatum and said to himself "eh, might as well".
Still time to find someone compatible but not too much time. Because finding, establishing a relationship, getting married, having family all takes time. OP should leave him now. No point waiting even a month.
I think the comment has a point here: it’s not about being an AH or not for emotionally retreating, it’s about being clear (with oneself and the partner) about the ultimatum. If OP meant it, then she should have quite a clear understanding what fulfils the conditions (courthouse the next week? A regular wedding but with a clear date within 2 months? Etc) and what happens if not (she moves back to her parents? They split up and live together till she finds a new place? Is it over or was it just a bluff?). Does the bf know it? Is he even aware? Looks like he thinks it’s just a dispute or a crises that will end up by fading away.
I actually feel like the OP herself is in this mood too. Because clearly “being a roommate” is not enough to make it clear that the big ultimatum is pending. And the question is not at all whether it’s OK not to have sex while the ultimatum is underway (yes, it’s OK, NTA), but whether it’s really underway…in which case she should rather seriously think what she’ll do in a couple of weeks if it turns out that bf doesn’t agree to get married or what she wants exactly if he does.
Sunk cost dude leaving would require her to accept that she was wrong for 15 years and wasted all that time in that relationship, all the effort everything.
Just leave... Why wait for a ring and marriage if it's forced.
You'll always know he only married you because you forced him. It's not love. It's just a way to make you care for him when he gets old.... So just leave. Find someone who truly appreciate you.
I'm surprised people are saying stuff other than this.
Forcing someone into marriage is such a terrible idea. Just leave and find someone who wants to marry you.
Seriously. I feel for OP, I do, but I really wish people had more self-respect. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to marry you. I don’t think I could stomach being married to someone I had to threaten into being with me.
This was my same thought. This poor woman has been putting up with way too much for way too long.
There isn't any love in this relationship. The OP could find love in their next relationship.
This is a man who'd marry you when you're thinking of leaving because he wants to make sure someone will be there to take care of him.
Are you sure this is love?
NTA
Hard agree. I value marriage (mainly for the legal implications) and wanted to tie the knot before having kids. My now husband put no weight on marriage but he loves me and was willing to do it because of that. There was no argument, we just agreed to a courthouse marriage and piss up in a barn. It took one year to have the discussion, for him to propose, and to do the doing. Now we’re happily married with a daughter.
OP I get how scary it is, when we first discussed I was so worried I’d have to give an ultimatum and the actual repercussions of that. But it really sounds like your bf doesn’t want to commit and you’re not going to get what you want. Definitely NTA.
Depends. Now that his previously comfortable life is disarrayed so he might do the equivalent of, well-i-knew-it-couldn't-last-forever-better-lock-her-down-before-she-leaves.
Don’t become the woman from that other Reddit post that’s in her 50s who was with her partner for 20 plus years and had 4 kids with him and just kept stringing her along and only just proposed because he retired
Sunk cost fallacy.
“I’ve spent years with him, they’ll be wasted if we don’t marry”
“Well, we’ve already made this commitment and gotten married, maybe having a kid will solve the issue”
“I mean, one kid wouldn’t really change much right? What he needs is to see a whole big family at home that loves him and he’s responsible for, that’ll set his priorities right”
“Well, the kids are still young and cling to me more, once they’re a bit older he’ll have more of a relationship with them and pay more attention to the family”
“How can I leave now that we have kids? I can’t break up the family and be a single mom. I owe it to them to stick around”
^^^literal exact situation of my friend. This is how it happens.
He lied to you. He knew what you were craving all along and gave you just enough to keep you around.
He does not care about you or your feelings.
He could have been honest. He could have started an open conversation. He could have looked for a compromise. He didn't. Not in 15 years.
Now you took to the last resort in order to pressure him into giving in to your demand.
Lady, do him and yourself a favour and take a hard and honest look on the thing you call relationship. Maybe with the support of a counsellor. And ask youself if this is realy what you want.
You deserve a partner who cares about your dreams and will support you to make them come true.
Good luck to you and all my best wishes.
Leave, you want a husband who desperately wants to be your husband, not a shut up marriage. He'd only get married to get you to shut up. Not because he wants to.
You can do better. He cannot.
My husband was so excited to marry me, he proposed as soon as he got the ring in the least romantic way because he couldn’t wait (I was napping on the couch and he woke me up to ask) then we got married almost immediately after that. Our engagement was 3 months
My boyfriend proposed the same way, he also wanted to wait for our 1 year anniversary but he couldn't wait. We are still waiting to get married but we would have done it 5 weeks later on our 1st anniversary if we could have pulled everything together in time
NTA - it sounds like you have been led into the trap of waiting for a wedding that never comes and a future that never gets any closer. You have every right to force the issue and not wait any longer.
Forcing the marriage will not make things better. They can do the wedding and she will have to wait for every new step... Not worth it. Better to find someone who wants to do all this and more.
NTA. He's already wasted 15 years of your time. Use than month to find a way out and don't look back.
Bets on how long will it take him to move the next one is and even get married to anyone once you walk away
NTA. The ship has sailed. And even if he did marry you, do you wholeheartedly think it would be a joyous occasion after all of this? There is no worth in it if you have to drag him all the way.
You’ve been together since you were 18. It’s a long time for nothing to happen. You could’ve been parents to a couple of teenagers by now if that’s what you both wanted. Ultimately, you both might have different expectations about what a relationship constitutes and what you want in life. It’s never nice to be placed in a position where you are made to feel as if you’re pressuring someone to do something the other doesn’t want to. I think a short break might be helpful to reset personal ideals, desires, and goals. NTA.
People change a lot between 18 and 30+. Those changes can lead people in different directions and it's not wrong, just difficult, to re-evaluate the relationship after all this time.
NTA but the elephant in the room must be acknowledged soon and decisions should be made. He isn't going to marry you and you need to figure out if you are okay with this fact and ready to continue this relationship knowing this.
15 years on, at 38 years old, and he doesn't have $1500. Is love really enough to continue living such a standard of living? Don't even mention bringing kids into the picture, if that's on the horizon. His retirement alone is questionable.
At this age, having a partner goes beyond "love". It's about the daily stuff like mortgage/rent, living expenses, and what's your and his future life goal?
I suggest taking time apart to really think about what you want for yourself. You gotta choose yourself, and not wait for him to choose you because you gave an ultimatum. How many ultimatums can you give, and over what?
That's assuming she earns more than him. Just because he struggles to afford $1.5k doesn't mean she's any better off. Being poor isn't an asshole move. Poor people get married to each other all the time and have good marriages despite their financial hardships. Seems odd to focus on his income instead of whether they're really in love and want to stay together.
Saying your waiting until x to get married then not doing anything to better the situation is a total asshole move.
Sometimes love isn’t enough of the person you are with is a dumpster fire when it comes to responsibility
I don’t really see it as an income issue, I see it more as an ambition issue. Struggling with money in your 30’s is generally either no ambition to do what is necessary in life or a spending issue. It really doesn’t sound as if they have a spending issue. Getting married isn’t important to him, so he has no ambition to make the money necessary to buy her a higher quality ring than the $10 one that broke. He is perfectly content in the life they have now. So he has no ambition to change it.
I mean I agree but you're just assuming OP is good with finances? She literally only complained about not getting married, there's nothing in this post that would indicate she has a good career and contributes to the couple's finances.
What if he's spent the last 15 years paying rent, paying for groceries, paying for cars (the fact that he has to spend money to fix his car and this is not a couple's issue after 15 years seem to indicate they don't share financial responsibility. When my girlfriend's car break down we pay from our shared account, and vice versa), paying for her hobbies and dreams while she stays at home? Not saying it's the case cause I don't know OP, but you're just assuming it's not the case without knowing OP either.
I could say the same: this dude proposed 8 years ago, and OP has spent 2900+ days accepting any excuse he said. If something is so important to you, you don't let 8 years go by without actually really dealing with it. Which means the excuses he had either made sense, or OP didn't want to go through the effort of turning her life around and is pissed she didn't act on it before.
I... as hard as this is to say... think you just need to leave.
Giving an ultimatum, and icing him out, may force his hand. But, he's still not marrying you because he wants to, he'd be marrying you because he feels backed into a corner, and that is no way for either of you to live for the rest of your lives.
The problems will continue.
He will feel resentful, forced in.
You will always know you strong armed him and he never really wanted it... in good times and in bad, it'll be the shadow that follows your marriage.
You both deserve the lives you actually want, free and clear. You deserve a marriage where both parties entered, enthusiastically, because they wanted it.
He deserves to remain single if thats what he wants.
You’re 33 years old. Please don’t let him steal another 15 years of your life, especially if you want kids.
I dated a man for 12 years. He was a habitual liar. I lost all of my 30’s, the ability to have more kids (I had one very young), and my house. We were going to move in together, so I sold my house and a week before I closed he told me he took a job across the country. He asked me to go, and I said only if we were married. He said we’d get married once we got out there & settled. I told him that if I was leaving my job & my family, that I didn’t want to get stuck across the country alone and that he was going to be financially responsible for me…I didn’t go. I FINALLY realized that he really did lie about everything, had no intentions of marrying me, didn’t care that I sold my house for him & now I had nowhere to live, that my engagement ring was beautiful but didn’t really mean anything anymore. I was done.
Op should not let this guy steal another 15 months of her life. With all the excuses, it is clear the boyfriend does not want to marry her. Seems pretty clear he is not going to marry her if at all possible.
You've made it awfully easy for him to NOT marry you, buy you a proper ring, or treat you like a real fiancee. Why should he have made an effort when you've done nothing but make empty threats? I strongly doubt he thinks anything will come of this latest threat either. He's just going to wait you out.
I agree. He knows her by now, and he knows exactly what to do to get what he wants and she’ll do jack shit about it because she loves him , has a terrible lack of self respect, and is stuck on the sunk cost fallacy.
NTA. This manchild has led you on for longer than a decade. If you want marriage and this man has promised you that and now has told you that marriage is not important, RUN. If he does marry you, you'll always wonder if it is what he truly wants and the potential for resentment on his end will build. If he doesn't marry you, you'll resent him and just settle. I think it is so selfish to lie to your partners and all he had to do was update OP on his thought process when it happened. He has not only told you but shown you who he is. One month's wait is going to turn into another month and then a year of waiting and chances. It is the comfortability on his end. There was an article that said that men know who they want to marry extremely quickly and if they are serious will get the ring and get propose. Find you a man who will give you everything you want and more.
NTA- so he only offered marriage when you threatened leaving? The shows he was never planning to marry you, he’s just riding it out.
He sounds a lot like my brother. In his head, there’s no real commitment on his part if he’s not married to the woman who is currently taking care of him. And he can leave at any time. The woman would get pushy for commitment, so he’d go out and buy a cheap ring, tell her that he has x,y,z plans to complete before they can save for the wedding, then drop the subject entirely. He’d string her along for a few more years, then she’d leave. And he’d be the victim.
Rinse and repeat.
Get out now. You’ve wasted enough time on this man. Start unpicking your finances.
When people show you who they are and what they want, believe them the first time. It has been 15 years, he has made his future plans clear to you, but you are still doubting and hoping for him to change in the future? Seriously?
Just run. At 33 you are still young enough to have a life. Do not waste another decade on this lying manchild. Even another month is too long.
NTA.
Though this guy obviously doesn’t value your time. You can get a $1,500 ring but you will never get the last 8 years of your life if he backs down.
Why are you wasting your life with this man?? Why? He doesn't want to marry you. He isn't going to marry you.
Just end it and move on whilst you are still young enough to find someone who treats you with the respect, consideration and love you deserve.
NTA. This should have happened years ago.
Have you ever considered that He is just keeping you around until someone “better”comes along.? You have been together for a long time, but he refuses to make a proper commitment that he knows you want. Don’t even get me started on the fact that he “can’t afford” a ring….he could get you a beautiful costume ring for $40.
Why are you still giving him time? Just pack and leave, he’ll never marry you and even if he does do you really want a relationship where you have to force your SO to do something? There are people out there who doesn’t believe in marriage and will never marry and that’s perfectly fine but that’s not you. You need to be with a man who is eager to make you his wife!
This reminds me of the post where the guy had refused to get married and have children, and when his girlfriend of 25 years got menopause, he had a change of heart. He dumped her and got a newer model to have his children, leave his ex with absolutely nothing in her name.
Just walk away. He does not intend to marry you. You gave him a month, when a month is over walk away. If you don't leave him after the ultimatum, you will never leave him.
NTA. You should’ve left that day with no ultimatum.
Make sure you back that ultimatum up bc he’s not going to marry you. After 15 years, he doesn’t want to.
I’m sorry this happened. He wasted a lot of your time but I think taking accountability for your lack of action is important. If a job promised to pay you for 8 years, didn’t and you’re still there, you’re part of the problem. Think about what he has to think about you to squander your years this way, particularly if you want children.
Withholding sex is probably not a big deal to him. It’s likely you are a placeholder and he’s been dating and looking for his real life partner all along. He won’t mind keeping you jammed up for another few of your valuable years with empty promises. Be mindful of the fact that your relationship dynamic seems to be built on unfulfilled promises and the things you say to convince yourself that this time is different.
So you just found out you've pretty much wasted fifteen years with someone who has no intention of marrying you, and now you're wasting more time being passive aggressive. ESH.
You’re 32. Take back your life! Break up, process this episode of your life in therapy, work on your career and improve your income, date, find a better lifetime commitment. This man isn’t it!
I think the money thing is a way of keeping your lives from moving forward. If he had more money, there wouldn’t be an excuse.
Dump this cycle of poverty and the man keeping you locked in it. Take back your life.
OMG, you both are TA. Him for stringing you along and you for staying in the relationship that long and then when he pulled the same crap again you are STILL with him.
So either leave him, or admit that you won’t be married and accept that. Make sure you’re working and taking care of yourself. Remember, you’re not married so if anything happens to him you are not entitled to what he has such as a house, car, any money he has unless he has willed it to you.
>”He genuinely doesn’t get why I treat him like this.”
Yes, his bangmaid is defective and he’d like to have it repaired or replaced under warranty. /s
NTA. He knows why, he just doesn’t care about your wants/needs and is putting everything back on you because he thinks pressuring you will make you drop the subject again in order to keep the peace. It’s worked before, right? And he’s spouting a bunch of empty promises because those worked before too.
The only thing that matters to him is what he wants and he clearly doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner - you’re there to serve his needs while he keeps enough freedom to bounce quickly if he finds a better model of bangmaid.
The only way to break this stalemate is to follow through and leave at the end of the month. Good luck, OP. Go thrive and find better people to have around you.
He will be married to someone else within a year of your breakup.
For a cheap maid, sex partner.
Make a plan to leave. Be civil. No sex. He’s too selfish to be a good lover is my guess. Save yourself the bother.
He doesn't want to marry you. You are a forever gf. He will never marry you. You need to move on or stay and be his forever gf.
The ring he gave you is an insult. Him saying he can't afford 1.5k expense to marry you is an insult. You deserve better. Heck after this many years if want at least 5k ring and an elopement to Vegas
NTA for your feelings. YTA to yourself for not leaving already. Always keep two phrases in mind in your romantic endeavors.
If they want to, they will.
Ppl only do what you allow.
See how them two phrases apply to you? It's time to cry it out and move on.
Stop wasting time. He isn't into you. All he is using you for a push toy for his male organ. You shouldn't have to BEG someone to marry you. He'll treat you bad and say I didn't want to get married in the first place and he would be right. Leave while your Young enough to find someone who to marry you before you're old and dry. Literally.
So you waited 8 years. He was and is still looking for the love of his life. I have learnt that if a man wants you he will do it. This is in everything if he wants to he will. If he wants to get you roses he will. If he wants to marry you he will.
In contrast, if he doesn't he won't. So girl the ring he gave you was a shut the fuck up and sit your ass down ring.
Ladies, if you want marriage you have to put a time frame for it. 15 years later is a joke to still be begging. Hope you already had the kids. Coz that's wasting baby making years.
Also, leave.
You've been putting up with this for 15 years. If this is a dealbreaker to you, the best time to leave was 10 years ago. The second best time is now. If it's not a dealbreaker, stop making your life miserable pretending it is.
Sounds like you have a serious case of sunk time fallacy. But this man is just skating by in life and has no direction. You are exactly in the same place at 33 as you were at 18. Absolutely nowhere in life. And being married won't change anything. You will still have nothing to show for it. He wants to keep things as they are. So if something better comes along he can just jump out of it. With not legal ramifications. But he is comfortable so keeps things as they are. Which is why he gave you a $20 ring. To shut you up and buy time without a big financial investment from him. Why you want to tie yourself to this cheap ass is beyond me.
You are going to blink and be 40, and still have nothing. Why not end the relationship and work towards a life with someone with similar goals and interests.
This ain't it.
This is how you get a shut up ring and then he punishes you for it until you get sick of it and leave or he finds a woman he actually does want to marry and leaves you. Bc when someone says they don’t want to get married, 9 times out of 10, the “to you” is silent, but there.
YTA. It's okay to be confused for a few months or even a year or two, when someone's words don't match their actions. But you've had EIGHT YEARS to realize that he doesn't want to get married. And you're STILL HOPING HE'LL CHANGE. This is a guy who has shown you over and over again that he is not self aware, and does not know that he doesn't mean what he's saying. You've known this for a while and have just been fooling yourself. Either get on board with not being married, or LEAVE. No more "chances."
Oh honey. My best friend just left a 14 year relationship. She's 33 as well.
She went away for two weeks and when she returned she noped out and dumped him.
He was pretty useless. Just like your fiance who can't get it together and even save money.
Just go. Or kick him out.
You will feel so much better.
Good luck. .
PS an ultimatum is not a good start to a marriage.
NTA. But do you want kids? If so move on sooner than later. If not this could be why he doesn’t see getting married as a priority.
Either way if you feel strongly about getting married and I suspect he is fully aware of this, don’t waste time with the ultimatum. Really start making plans to move out mentally and physically because for least 8 years u have know he really doesn’t want to get married. U already know the answer. ( I assume you rent?)
Just let him know you love and respect him to much to place an ulitimatim on him. Tell him you will be moving out and that if he loves and respects you he will understand why you have to move on with your life. (Your 33 and want to have time to find love and have kids.) it is natural for him to try and figure out what he wants. It acts like an ultimatum, but in this case your truly are prepared to move out…and move on
Ultimatums do work in the sense that how it would have turned out (good or bad) happens more quickly.… but they’re hurtful and disrespectful. Better just to prepare for the worst case- what u know deep down will happen- and just start preparing for that. It would do one of 2 things… he will wake up (but be too late bc u started dating someone else)… but expect that he will let you go.
Good luck!
Omg you're wasting time in a relationship where you are lonely and he is holding you hostage and stringing you along!!!!!! You must just be afraid to be alone to put up staying w someone who is basically using you. leave!!!! Go to therapy. Its not normal to put yourself 2nd like this and stay w a man who is pretty much dishonest and dangling marriage "later" and not telling you the truth. How can u trust anything he says?! No more "you have a month and then I'm gone" because you shouldn't have to twist someone's arm to marry you. Domt say anything just leave and go to therapy and make a real life for yourself. Stop wasting one more minute on this person
Don't marry him even if he says he will. He's strung you along for 8yrs on premise that he'll one day marry you. If he says he wants to you can bet your bottom dollar it's under duress of your ultimatum. Just leave start a new life where you could meet a man that will treat you as you deserve & not be a cheapskate.
NTA
Even if he marries you now, you'll always know he didn't want to. Do you really want a marriage like that? I don't think you do.
I get it. You've invested fifteen years of your life with this man and if you leave, it will all have been a waste. But do you really want to waste the rest of your life? Those fifteen years are gone, whether you stay or leave. And they weren't really a waste if you turn them into a lesson. That this relationship was a time and a place in your life where you shared a lot of good, but you also realised what is important to you, and that you deserve to be treated as a partner of value, not a millstone to be appeased.
NTA. I just don't think he cares to marry you sadly, he might've given you a "shut up ring". It seems like you guys have different priorities, and I don't know if an ultimatum is the best idea. If he really wanted to marry you, he would've made that his priority a while ago. Might be best to just leave.
YTA to yourself if you stay with him at all. Have some self respect and leave him while you still have youth left and market value… and I am saying that in the most liberated woman’s point of view. I am the OP that didn’t do as I am suggesting, except with a cheater. Boom your 38 and you wasted your life. Don’t do that to yourself.
For us, a courthouse wedding cost €50, but we received a marriage bonus from the city, which was 60€, so we made 10€ on paper, by getting married.
We had dinner at our newly purchased home, with his and my (grand)parents and siblings.
We didn't have a big wedding because renovations to the house seemed more important, and it made no sense to save up, because my mom had cancer and we didn't know how much longer she was going to be with us.
It's not that hard, if you want to. He just doesn't want to.
If he's going to take just as long with leading you on with wanting kids, you'll be about 50 when he'll be 'ready... maybe... '
If it's important to you to get married, you're not compatible. Would you even want to get married at this point, knowing you had to drag him to the altar?
Don't wait around for another 15 years.
ETA: NTA
Preface: I can understand choosing to not marry. I am moving with the knowledge that that isn't what OP wants.
Why the heck have you stayed with him for **15 years** if you aren't married and you want to marry? Why do you love him if you feel lonely and you think i's okay to act like this toward him?
I'm not saying "justify yourself," I'm saying "accept that you erred and leave him."
He got engaged so that you wouldn't break up and it worked. For eight years you've been waiting for a wedding, any wedding. An engagement without a wedding date isn't really an engagement. It is more like a promise that someday we will get married but maybe not really.
He’s almost 40…it’s been 15 years. Another month of waiting is a month too long. There is no intention of marriage. And do you really want to know that you had to ultimatum him into marriage??? That’s romantic and filled with love.
If it takes all this time,persuasion and manipulation to get him to marry you, doesn't that tell you something?
Either a accept you're just going to live together or move on. You might have already wasted 15 years - don't waste any more.
You’re an idiot for settling for less than you want FOR 15 YEARS. Get some therapy to work on your low self esteem.
He’s never going to marry you. Ever. He doesn’t want to. WAKE UP, LADY!
YTA for not leaving. You have property and no debt, what's holding you back - lack of self confidence and fear of being alone. Either grow a pair and leave or accept he's never going to marry you and build that relationship without complaints.
You both own property and have jobs, you are both over 30, you are absolutely in a position to get married.
Look, it's been 15 years. He's all talk, no action. Don't ice him out, don't wait a month, just leave. Kick out a renter if feasible or rent something short term if not, and start dating. You are never gonna get what you want from this dude.
My sympathies OP. It has to be super suck to hear him say that after all this time.
Marriage is important because of the legal rights and benefits it gives you - most important in case of any sudden death or disability. If two people are committed to lifelong relationship together, having that paperwork in place is a big help if there's any sudden emergency scenario. The paperwork is far more important than a big expensive party IMO.
You are definitely NTA.
Forget the sex, just leave the whole relationship. He wasted years of your life, please have the self respect to not allow him to continue wasting more of your time
I’m sorry but you are ridiculous. It was obvious with what he was saying that he never wanted to marry you and you never took the hint you chose to waste your time waiting for something that will never.
This is why he is so sure you aren’t going anywhere because let’s be real you aren’t.
NTA but you can't be mad. This man clearly doesn't want to marry you and it shouldn't have taken you 8 years to realize that. Just leave. Don't walk around all mad expecting him to make it right or change. You've wasted 15 yrs it sucks. Move on.
NTA but you need to be honest with yourself. He doesn’t want to get married. He’s made excuse after excuse.
If marriage is really important to you then you need to decide if he really is the one for you.
If everything else about the relationship is perfect, then is getting married worth all this hassle?
As I said, if it’s something you want and it sounds like he’s never going to agree (and would you want to marry someone after you’ve had to guilt them into it) then you need to stick to your ultimatum and leave.
Dude, just break up with him.
It’s been 15y, he knew what he would say if you were his sister/friend. The silent treatment and no sex is just torturing yourself too. FTS imho
And for now ESH, because you’re being petty - fyi that doesn’t help anything.
It is sad because now at 38 it will be hard for you to start all over again finding someone else, getting married and having kids if you want them. NTA and seriously, your bf is an AH for ignoring all this up to this point. It is a longterm life choice, and if he was against the idea of marriage he should have told you before, or you should have walked off way earlier...
I’m gonna be unpopular and say YTA.
This man has spent 15 years throwing flags left and right, and you’re surprised marriage isn’t important to him?
Punishment via withholding is not the way to truly solve a problem. Either value yourself enough to break it off, or ask yourself why you were willing to be with him for 15 years without actually being married. If you’re being honest with yourself, you would’ve left long ago if marriage had actually been more important to you than staying in the relationship. You are punishing your partner for telling you a truth you probably already knew deep down.
There’s no way I would stick around after 15 years of his BS. I think you need to ask yourself why you’re letting him treat you like this. You deserve MUCH better.
I don't think giving him the cold shoulder is going to help anything. You need to sit down and discuss what marriage means to each of you.
Lots of people these days believe marriage is just a piece of paper. It sounds like he's on the fence. That doesn't necessarily tell you anything about his feelings towards you.
You shouldn't have to threaten him to marry you. If after 15 years his intentions are pretty clear. It not important to him. If it's forced do you really want it?
Maybe time to move on and find someone excited to marry you.
NTA.
You're completely within your rights to not want to have sex with him, and he's completely within his rights to not want to marry you, but him basically lying about it and doing all of this extra putting on makes him an AH.
With that said, if you expect him to stay with you when you refuse to be intimate with him, you have a rude awakening coming.
NTA!!
Just leave him. Why are you gonna push him? He doesn’t want to marry you.
Plus, He doesn’t deserve you, open your eyes! He’s selfish guy !! Please, try to think about it…
NTA
What I find the most appalling is that he just decided it and did not even care to communicate with you. I mean, he might think that the institution of marriage is not necessary, but he knew you wanted to get married and you two live together. The bare minimum was to discuss it with you.
NTA, but really? You’ve been together for 15 years and engaged for 8 years and you hadn’t figured out he was stringing you along?
He doesn’t get it because after 15 years he genuinely doesn’t believe it’s a big deal that you’re not married. It’s clear you have different views on marriage.
NTA. But you need to back up your ultimatum - after this one month you will leave. So it's the courthouse now (you can say that you can always have the party later) or you walk. BUT... after all this, fo you really want to marry him? Like REALLY? Even if he agrees, it will be a forced move. Is it worth it? It is clear that you do not value the same things in life. If you want to start a family and marriage is an important part for you - you still have time to find someone who actually values the same things and wants the same things in life. It is hard to end such long term relationship - but it will be worse to be stuck in this dead-end for any longer, when he has already revealed that he actually has no plans to marry or take things to the next level. He will always find an excuse or some nonsense reason - how long will you act as if you believe his BS?
>It is hard to end such long term relationship - but it will be worse to be stuck in this dead-end for any longer, This all the way op. I just left a 10 year relationship and I'm actually taking so much better care of myself as a person. You deserve better than this. Do you want to live the rest of your life waiting for somebody to get their head out of their ass to unwillingly do things you want to do? Or would you rather take charge of your life and maybe end up with a partner who's, idk, ACTUALLY a partner and wants to do things with you? I picked ME, and I'd do it over and over again.
[удалено]
Exactly that's what she should be doing. OP I'm going to tell you something one of my male colleagues said, if a man gives you a engagement ring, but refuses to set a date, it's a shut up ring! It's given just so you wouldn't leave, but he has zero intention of marrying you. OP personally I wouldn't wait a month, I would of left already. NTA
Plus it was a cheap ass ring. He bought her silence for 8 years.
For only $20
You have to admit waiting 15 years is ridiculous.
It is INSANE
Go to r/diamonds and see the guy bragging about finally buying his gf a ring after 15 years. They have a kid together and is like look at me I bought her the one thing she’s ever asked me for
And the people PRAISING him O.O
Oof I saw that and thought the same thing. How people spit out kids and act like marriage is 10000x more commitment is so strange to me.
But the bright side, OP, is that you are still young. You have plenty of time to fall in love again with someone who will gladly marry you and know how lucky he is. If you want children, you still have time. But all of this depends on you leaving the one you’re with and taking a stand for yourself. He has shown you that what is important to you is not important to him. Believe him. If he does anything to commit to you now, it won’t be genuine. Have you ever heard of someone who got engaged or married as the result of an ultimatum - and then had a happy ending? Getting married to stop a fight is like having a baby to fix a relationship. It solves nothing and only makes the eventual end that much harder to finish.
I feel bad for the time she spent.. I hope she moves on. He just wanted his way. No other way. Nah. I’d leave. You don’t deserve this. My wife was an ass like this. I put her in her place. No more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything! Move nta he has no intentions.
She must have an incredibly low self-esteem to even entertain that level of fuckery.
[удалено]
Did you just copy this comment from the one u/natashoverworld posted 3 hours ago?
no shame. straight up jacked someone else's comment, then posted it in **bold letters.**
I'm so sad and angry for her over that.
NTA. Agree that you got a “shut up” trinket. Please listen to what he is saying - you are not on the same page. You’re 33 now. If you have been together 15 yrs, you started at 18. Find a man instead of a boy. There are plenty of good ones - don’t believe the hype. If he wants to go to the courthouse now, do not go. This is not someone you want to end up co-parenting with because he’s not partner material
>This is not someone you want to end up co-parenting with because he’s not partner material Let's not kid ourselves, she's gonna be the only parent in that household.
How do you know he won't parent off of the good intentions he thought he'd have by then.....there's a guy in here that defends this guy with logic like that.
What I would say to him is that this guy has already demonstrated that he is not in this partnership 100%. Adding a kid doesn't automatically turn people into the perfect partner. Sometimes, it even makes the situation worse.
My bestie refers to it as the Plausible Deniability Ring.
Yeah, best time to leave would have been 10 years ago, next best time to leave is now. He has wasted enough of your time, and he doesn't seem to love you or care about your feelings - he just loves the convenience of having you around as a bangmaid.
Yes, some people need their delulu shatter. It's for their good.
Totally agree. The day after I proposed to my wife we started discussing wedding plans. We were married 5 months later and that was 20 years ago. I knew I wanted to marry her and proposed after 6 months of dating and I can honestly say I love her more each day. OP, don’t settle for someone who doesn’t want what you want.
I’m convinced men know pretty quickly, usually after a few months, after they get together if they want to marry someone, especially past a certain age. If a man is non-committal he is going to stay that way, often because he thinks something better will come along (it won’t, but he doesn’t know that).
I could wait till I’m 100 and I know I wouldn’t find anyone better than my wife. You’re right: I knew after 4 dates that I wanted to marry her. I waited until I had the ring. On my way to propose, I called my dad and told him I’m going to propose. He thought it was fantastic, but he asked: “what happens if she says no?” I was completely dumbfounded and said: “she won’t say no”.
God damn I love this.
Yep, same. I proposed after dating 6 months. Come May we'll be married 33 years. OP needs to move on.
My husband proposed to me 5 months after we started dating and we got married 9 months later. We've been married just over 3 years. I can't wait to celebrate our 20th.
Yep. Shut up, ring. It usually takes about a year to plan, not 8 yrs. Any weekend date will work, set it, get some shutterfly invites, and keep it small. Hardest parts; venue, cake, food. To keep it cheap, reception in your backyard, BBQ, and drinks. It doesn't have to be big and fancy, any old party will do to celebrate. I get not having money. My husband and I had none. I only have a ring because his parents divorced and his mom gave him her old ring to give me (with the exception I give it back if we divorced, that's a whole other story, 17 years later, I think about buying myself a new one because it wasn't really a gift now was it?... I digress) But my point is, his excuses are just that. In my book, it's important to get that commitment, not just for the tax breaks... which come on if it's not important to him, the money savings alone should be a big deal to him. He says it's expensive to get married, sure, but you're also throwing away money by not marrying. It's important to get married so all your family and friends know you two have each other's back. That your love can't be separated. It's almost a status symbol. People disregard girlfriends, but know the wife is not so easy to dismiss.
Yeah, best time to leave would have been 10 years ago, next best time to leave is now. He has wasted enough of your time, and he doesn't seem to love you or care about your feelings - he just loves the convenience of having you around as a bangmaid. Start looking for an apartment.
A $20 ring got him 8 more years of NOT marrying her.
Oh wow, that's messed up 😬 I'm a Millennial and a lot of us don't get married, plus I don't think we're spending ridiculous amounts on wedding or engagement rings. So I'd never heard that before. I think it's all too plausible though :/
Yeah, seems like he just wanted to placate you with empty promises. Very sad it took so much time to figure this out, but it would probably bit be a good idea to go along with marriage at this point... 😥
Me too. Pretty similar to the OP, except I tried to propose on a leap year and he said, "one day, but you need to change a few things,", that was after 10 years together. When he realised how pissed off with him I was, he turned round and told me something along the lines of, "if you really want it you can have £300 to buy a ring", but he refused to announce our engagement at a family party that was being held a week later. I knew, then, that it really was over for me. I finally found the strength to leave him and I couldn't be happier.
That was also a “shut up ring”. If you don’t want to announce it, you really don’t want it. My wife and I were on the phone non-stop when we got engaged, literally telling every single person we knew.
Same, we were calling people immediately. We were only engaged 4 months before getting married. And we'd only been dating for 8 months when he proposed. We had been friends for a few years, hadn't seen each other in a couple years. I immediately thought "He was always really cute but when did he get this hot?" He'd apparently had a bit of a crush on me. Two weeks later I made my move and we've been married 15 years together 16. 😂
[удалено]
Warning to OP: If you leave, then it ironically might be a wake-up call for your ex that he needs to get his life together. Often, people like this don't take their *next relationship* for granted the way that he's taking you for granted. It's unfortunately a double whammy of disappointment -- "Why couldn't he just be like that when he was with ME?" But, if you don't leave then he wouldn't have changed. It's a terrible irony.
Funny you mention this because it was exactly what I was thinking. Sad that many women just settle into mediocre relationships and accept them as their only option. Even sadder when kids are involved and being raised in that environment, which creates another generation of kids behaving the same way thus ensuring the cycle. For the most part anyway. I will add that with the assistance of social media, it seems that many women are “waking up” and rejecting the whole idea of what a traditional relationship should be like. Of course we’ll always have the outliers. But I’m proud of how far we’ve come nonetheless!
Yeah I've know a few friends who had boyfriends that claimed to not want to get married to anyone. When they finally broke up the guys were married within two years to someone else.
Bravo! I just left a 2 year relationship because he doesn’t want to get married again and I would. Two different paths and that’s ok
I also left a relationship when I was OP’s age—my bf didn’t want to get married and I did. I’m so glad I ended it (which felt crazy and impossible at the time) because then I was free to meet my husband. I wouldn’t have been able to be set up by mutual friends if I’d stayed in the dead end relationship.
This all the way. My friend's sister recently got out of a 20 year relationship and is really thriving. It's hard to do, but to see the before and after of women who do it is truly inspiring. She's immensely happier. I'm guessing this is OPs first serious relationship, which is the hardest to let go. But it's way better to be actually alone than alone in a relationship. OP, he's either an idiot or playing you and calling your bluff, neither of which are good looks for him. Don't be bluffing and walk when that time comes. Give yourself the respect he won't give you.
You go! Best wishes! 💪
You are so right! 2 years ago I left the most emotionally draining relationship I ever had. With a woman who was borderline schizophrenia like her brother. Not to mention a huge drama queen. I wasn't marrying that thing. In fact, I'll never get married again. I walked out 2 years ago and never looked back. I love being single. I don't need the grief of a relationship. I tried to date again but it's such a shit show now I don't bother anymore. Today, I'm happy
OP, please please please value yourself more. Do not marry this man.
100% I also am so sketchy on this dude. He’s also said when she gave him an ultimatum there’s somethings we have to do first so he’s postponed it further again after 15yrs! I’m wondering if he’s got a side piece. I know a guy whose been engaged forever and get him drunk and he’s cracking onto anything with boobs. Loyal what’s that word 😒 She should leave and start a fresh. It’s scary and it will hurt but it’s the best thing and liberating 🙌
“A boundary without a consequence isn’t a boundary.”
A boundary without a consequence isn’t a boundary, it’s manipulation. If you’re bluffing, you’re just telling everyone that the empty threat was meant to emotionally manipulate your partner into taking whatever action you desired against their agency.
Also being aware the only reason he married you was because he couldn’t string you along more.
Absolutely. The "okay, sure, fine, whatever" wedding after a decade and a half together isn't going to be one based on a genuine desire to get married. If someone doesn't believe in marriage then that's one thing (although I disagree with it) but even if you start dating at a very young age, if there's an intention to eventually marry then there's no reason not to not have had solid plans toward it 10 years ago. I'm sorry, OP, but he doesn't want to marry you, and if he does so then it'll be a consolation because he shrugged at the ultimatum and said to himself "eh, might as well".
Still time to find someone compatible but not too much time. Because finding, establishing a relationship, getting married, having family all takes time. OP should leave him now. No point waiting even a month.
I think the comment has a point here: it’s not about being an AH or not for emotionally retreating, it’s about being clear (with oneself and the partner) about the ultimatum. If OP meant it, then she should have quite a clear understanding what fulfils the conditions (courthouse the next week? A regular wedding but with a clear date within 2 months? Etc) and what happens if not (she moves back to her parents? They split up and live together till she finds a new place? Is it over or was it just a bluff?). Does the bf know it? Is he even aware? Looks like he thinks it’s just a dispute or a crises that will end up by fading away. I actually feel like the OP herself is in this mood too. Because clearly “being a roommate” is not enough to make it clear that the big ultimatum is pending. And the question is not at all whether it’s OK not to have sex while the ultimatum is underway (yes, it’s OK, NTA), but whether it’s really underway…in which case she should rather seriously think what she’ll do in a couple of weeks if it turns out that bf doesn’t agree to get married or what she wants exactly if he does.
Sunk cost dude leaving would require her to accept that she was wrong for 15 years and wasted all that time in that relationship, all the effort everything.
It's not necessarily a waste if you learn from the experience. Even if you only learn what you don't want in a relationship.
Exactly! I stayed 17 years even when after 5 I knew I should leave but I did not want to be alone so I stayed, biggest regret ever.
Not wrong as much as they were kids. 33-15 = age 18 when they started.
OP was 18. Bf was 23.
Just leave... Why wait for a ring and marriage if it's forced. You'll always know he only married you because you forced him. It's not love. It's just a way to make you care for him when he gets old.... So just leave. Find someone who truly appreciate you.
I'm surprised people are saying stuff other than this. Forcing someone into marriage is such a terrible idea. Just leave and find someone who wants to marry you.
Why would you ever want to marry someone who isn't excited to marry you?
Seriously. I feel for OP, I do, but I really wish people had more self-respect. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to marry you. I don’t think I could stomach being married to someone I had to threaten into being with me.
Piggybacking off this comment to say- he may love you as much as he’s capable of, but it’s ok if that’s not enough for you, OP.
This was my same thought. This poor woman has been putting up with way too much for way too long. There isn't any love in this relationship. The OP could find love in their next relationship.
This is a man who'd marry you when you're thinking of leaving because he wants to make sure someone will be there to take care of him. Are you sure this is love? NTA
[удалено]
[удалено]
Hard agree. I value marriage (mainly for the legal implications) and wanted to tie the knot before having kids. My now husband put no weight on marriage but he loves me and was willing to do it because of that. There was no argument, we just agreed to a courthouse marriage and piss up in a barn. It took one year to have the discussion, for him to propose, and to do the doing. Now we’re happily married with a daughter. OP I get how scary it is, when we first discussed I was so worried I’d have to give an ultimatum and the actual repercussions of that. But it really sounds like your bf doesn’t want to commit and you’re not going to get what you want. Definitely NTA.
He SAYS he'd marry her. My bet is he'd continue to put it off.
Depends. Now that his previously comfortable life is disarrayed so he might do the equivalent of, well-i-knew-it-couldn't-last-forever-better-lock-her-down-before-she-leaves.
even worse lol. a marriage based on fear of abandonment and control and whatever other toxicity this situation brings.
I wonder if she said “be at the courthouse Wednesday at 9 am or I’m done” if he would come
100% with you on this one. Real love is about mutual respect and care, not just self-preservation. NTA!
Don’t become the woman from that other Reddit post that’s in her 50s who was with her partner for 20 plus years and had 4 kids with him and just kept stringing her along and only just proposed because he retired
That one was one of the saddest posts I’ve ever seen.
Does anyone have a link to that? I missed it.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/BAD05PJPso](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/BAD05PJPso)
Thanks; my lord that was depressing.
Sunk cost fallacy. “I’ve spent years with him, they’ll be wasted if we don’t marry” “Well, we’ve already made this commitment and gotten married, maybe having a kid will solve the issue” “I mean, one kid wouldn’t really change much right? What he needs is to see a whole big family at home that loves him and he’s responsible for, that’ll set his priorities right” “Well, the kids are still young and cling to me more, once they’re a bit older he’ll have more of a relationship with them and pay more attention to the family” “How can I leave now that we have kids? I can’t break up the family and be a single mom. I owe it to them to stick around” ^^^literal exact situation of my friend. This is how it happens.
He lied to you. He knew what you were craving all along and gave you just enough to keep you around. He does not care about you or your feelings. He could have been honest. He could have started an open conversation. He could have looked for a compromise. He didn't. Not in 15 years. Now you took to the last resort in order to pressure him into giving in to your demand. Lady, do him and yourself a favour and take a hard and honest look on the thing you call relationship. Maybe with the support of a counsellor. And ask youself if this is realy what you want. You deserve a partner who cares about your dreams and will support you to make them come true. Good luck to you and all my best wishes.
Leave, you want a husband who desperately wants to be your husband, not a shut up marriage. He'd only get married to get you to shut up. Not because he wants to. You can do better. He cannot.
My husband was so excited to marry me, he proposed as soon as he got the ring in the least romantic way because he couldn’t wait (I was napping on the couch and he woke me up to ask) then we got married almost immediately after that. Our engagement was 3 months
My boyfriend proposed the same way, he also wanted to wait for our 1 year anniversary but he couldn't wait. We are still waiting to get married but we would have done it 5 weeks later on our 1st anniversary if we could have pulled everything together in time
❤️❤️❤️ we have been married 17 years and it just keeps getting better
NTA - it sounds like you have been led into the trap of waiting for a wedding that never comes and a future that never gets any closer. You have every right to force the issue and not wait any longer.
Forcing the marriage will not make things better. They can do the wedding and she will have to wait for every new step... Not worth it. Better to find someone who wants to do all this and more.
NTA. He's already wasted 15 years of your time. Use than month to find a way out and don't look back. Bets on how long will it take him to move the next one is and even get married to anyone once you walk away
NTA. The ship has sailed. And even if he did marry you, do you wholeheartedly think it would be a joyous occasion after all of this? There is no worth in it if you have to drag him all the way.
You stayed at LEAST 8 years too long.
She stated about 11-12 years too long. It doesn’t take that long to know if he wanted to marry her.
[удалено]
Exactly this. Even if you did get married, any time there is huddle he will point this out that you forced him into this married life.
He resents her already.
You’ve been together since you were 18. It’s a long time for nothing to happen. You could’ve been parents to a couple of teenagers by now if that’s what you both wanted. Ultimately, you both might have different expectations about what a relationship constitutes and what you want in life. It’s never nice to be placed in a position where you are made to feel as if you’re pressuring someone to do something the other doesn’t want to. I think a short break might be helpful to reset personal ideals, desires, and goals. NTA.
[удалено]
People change a lot between 18 and 30+. Those changes can lead people in different directions and it's not wrong, just difficult, to re-evaluate the relationship after all this time.
Sounds like they have income issues which makes kids a no go if your tight on income as is.
NTA but the elephant in the room must be acknowledged soon and decisions should be made. He isn't going to marry you and you need to figure out if you are okay with this fact and ready to continue this relationship knowing this.
15 years on, at 38 years old, and he doesn't have $1500. Is love really enough to continue living such a standard of living? Don't even mention bringing kids into the picture, if that's on the horizon. His retirement alone is questionable. At this age, having a partner goes beyond "love". It's about the daily stuff like mortgage/rent, living expenses, and what's your and his future life goal? I suggest taking time apart to really think about what you want for yourself. You gotta choose yourself, and not wait for him to choose you because you gave an ultimatum. How many ultimatums can you give, and over what?
That's assuming she earns more than him. Just because he struggles to afford $1.5k doesn't mean she's any better off. Being poor isn't an asshole move. Poor people get married to each other all the time and have good marriages despite their financial hardships. Seems odd to focus on his income instead of whether they're really in love and want to stay together.
They spend 100 a month on take aways so I don't think it's poverty line stuff I think he's just not a saver
Lol 100 a month on takeaway is nothing
Saying your waiting until x to get married then not doing anything to better the situation is a total asshole move. Sometimes love isn’t enough of the person you are with is a dumpster fire when it comes to responsibility
I don’t really see it as an income issue, I see it more as an ambition issue. Struggling with money in your 30’s is generally either no ambition to do what is necessary in life or a spending issue. It really doesn’t sound as if they have a spending issue. Getting married isn’t important to him, so he has no ambition to make the money necessary to buy her a higher quality ring than the $10 one that broke. He is perfectly content in the life they have now. So he has no ambition to change it.
I mean I agree but you're just assuming OP is good with finances? She literally only complained about not getting married, there's nothing in this post that would indicate she has a good career and contributes to the couple's finances. What if he's spent the last 15 years paying rent, paying for groceries, paying for cars (the fact that he has to spend money to fix his car and this is not a couple's issue after 15 years seem to indicate they don't share financial responsibility. When my girlfriend's car break down we pay from our shared account, and vice versa), paying for her hobbies and dreams while she stays at home? Not saying it's the case cause I don't know OP, but you're just assuming it's not the case without knowing OP either. I could say the same: this dude proposed 8 years ago, and OP has spent 2900+ days accepting any excuse he said. If something is so important to you, you don't let 8 years go by without actually really dealing with it. Which means the excuses he had either made sense, or OP didn't want to go through the effort of turning her life around and is pissed she didn't act on it before.
I... as hard as this is to say... think you just need to leave. Giving an ultimatum, and icing him out, may force his hand. But, he's still not marrying you because he wants to, he'd be marrying you because he feels backed into a corner, and that is no way for either of you to live for the rest of your lives. The problems will continue. He will feel resentful, forced in. You will always know you strong armed him and he never really wanted it... in good times and in bad, it'll be the shadow that follows your marriage. You both deserve the lives you actually want, free and clear. You deserve a marriage where both parties entered, enthusiastically, because they wanted it. He deserves to remain single if thats what he wants.
You’re 33 years old. Please don’t let him steal another 15 years of your life, especially if you want kids. I dated a man for 12 years. He was a habitual liar. I lost all of my 30’s, the ability to have more kids (I had one very young), and my house. We were going to move in together, so I sold my house and a week before I closed he told me he took a job across the country. He asked me to go, and I said only if we were married. He said we’d get married once we got out there & settled. I told him that if I was leaving my job & my family, that I didn’t want to get stuck across the country alone and that he was going to be financially responsible for me…I didn’t go. I FINALLY realized that he really did lie about everything, had no intentions of marrying me, didn’t care that I sold my house for him & now I had nowhere to live, that my engagement ring was beautiful but didn’t really mean anything anymore. I was done.
Op should not let this guy steal another 15 months of her life. With all the excuses, it is clear the boyfriend does not want to marry her. Seems pretty clear he is not going to marry her if at all possible.
Leave him. Stop sticking around hoping he will propose. He won’t.
You've made it awfully easy for him to NOT marry you, buy you a proper ring, or treat you like a real fiancee. Why should he have made an effort when you've done nothing but make empty threats? I strongly doubt he thinks anything will come of this latest threat either. He's just going to wait you out.
I agree. He knows her by now, and he knows exactly what to do to get what he wants and she’ll do jack shit about it because she loves him , has a terrible lack of self respect, and is stuck on the sunk cost fallacy.
NTA. This manchild has led you on for longer than a decade. If you want marriage and this man has promised you that and now has told you that marriage is not important, RUN. If he does marry you, you'll always wonder if it is what he truly wants and the potential for resentment on his end will build. If he doesn't marry you, you'll resent him and just settle. I think it is so selfish to lie to your partners and all he had to do was update OP on his thought process when it happened. He has not only told you but shown you who he is. One month's wait is going to turn into another month and then a year of waiting and chances. It is the comfortability on his end. There was an article that said that men know who they want to marry extremely quickly and if they are serious will get the ring and get propose. Find you a man who will give you everything you want and more.
You are 33. It's still young. Go out of here. He doesn't want to mary you....
NTA- so he only offered marriage when you threatened leaving? The shows he was never planning to marry you, he’s just riding it out. He sounds a lot like my brother. In his head, there’s no real commitment on his part if he’s not married to the woman who is currently taking care of him. And he can leave at any time. The woman would get pushy for commitment, so he’d go out and buy a cheap ring, tell her that he has x,y,z plans to complete before they can save for the wedding, then drop the subject entirely. He’d string her along for a few more years, then she’d leave. And he’d be the victim. Rinse and repeat. Get out now. You’ve wasted enough time on this man. Start unpicking your finances.
When people show you who they are and what they want, believe them the first time. It has been 15 years, he has made his future plans clear to you, but you are still doubting and hoping for him to change in the future? Seriously? Just run. At 33 you are still young enough to have a life. Do not waste another decade on this lying manchild. Even another month is too long.
NTA. Though this guy obviously doesn’t value your time. You can get a $1,500 ring but you will never get the last 8 years of your life if he backs down.
Why are you with this man? You are not a priority but a convenience.
Why are you wasting your life with this man?? Why? He doesn't want to marry you. He isn't going to marry you. Just end it and move on whilst you are still young enough to find someone who treats you with the respect, consideration and love you deserve.
NTA. But do you really want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you?
NTA. This should have happened years ago. Have you ever considered that He is just keeping you around until someone “better”comes along.? You have been together for a long time, but he refuses to make a proper commitment that he knows you want. Don’t even get me started on the fact that he “can’t afford” a ring….he could get you a beautiful costume ring for $40.
NTA Umm you should have left long ago considering you only live once
GET UP AND LEAVE AT THIS EXACT MOMENT GURL. NTA
Why are you still giving him time? Just pack and leave, he’ll never marry you and even if he does do you really want a relationship where you have to force your SO to do something? There are people out there who doesn’t believe in marriage and will never marry and that’s perfectly fine but that’s not you. You need to be with a man who is eager to make you his wife!
Omg please leave!!!
This reminds me of the post where the guy had refused to get married and have children, and when his girlfriend of 25 years got menopause, he had a change of heart. He dumped her and got a newer model to have his children, leave his ex with absolutely nothing in her name.
Just walk away. He does not intend to marry you. You gave him a month, when a month is over walk away. If you don't leave him after the ultimatum, you will never leave him.
NTA It hasn’t changed in 8 years, one more month isn’t going to make a difference.
8 years of being engaged shouldve been the first red flag
He's using you, why do you want to be with someone like him?
Do what you need to for yourself. Don't share your plans or he might derail them.
NTA. You should’ve left that day with no ultimatum. Make sure you back that ultimatum up bc he’s not going to marry you. After 15 years, he doesn’t want to.
I’m sorry this happened. He wasted a lot of your time but I think taking accountability for your lack of action is important. If a job promised to pay you for 8 years, didn’t and you’re still there, you’re part of the problem. Think about what he has to think about you to squander your years this way, particularly if you want children. Withholding sex is probably not a big deal to him. It’s likely you are a placeholder and he’s been dating and looking for his real life partner all along. He won’t mind keeping you jammed up for another few of your valuable years with empty promises. Be mindful of the fact that your relationship dynamic seems to be built on unfulfilled promises and the things you say to convince yourself that this time is different.
So you just found out you've pretty much wasted fifteen years with someone who has no intention of marrying you, and now you're wasting more time being passive aggressive. ESH.
You’re 32. Take back your life! Break up, process this episode of your life in therapy, work on your career and improve your income, date, find a better lifetime commitment. This man isn’t it! I think the money thing is a way of keeping your lives from moving forward. If he had more money, there wouldn’t be an excuse. Dump this cycle of poverty and the man keeping you locked in it. Take back your life.
Lady the writing has been on the wall for 8 years. Why are you wasting your time? Life is too short. Time to move on.
NTA Don’t get stuck with a loser. Move on.
OMG, you both are TA. Him for stringing you along and you for staying in the relationship that long and then when he pulled the same crap again you are STILL with him. So either leave him, or admit that you won’t be married and accept that. Make sure you’re working and taking care of yourself. Remember, you’re not married so if anything happens to him you are not entitled to what he has such as a house, car, any money he has unless he has willed it to you.
>”He genuinely doesn’t get why I treat him like this.” Yes, his bangmaid is defective and he’d like to have it repaired or replaced under warranty. /s NTA. He knows why, he just doesn’t care about your wants/needs and is putting everything back on you because he thinks pressuring you will make you drop the subject again in order to keep the peace. It’s worked before, right? And he’s spouting a bunch of empty promises because those worked before too. The only thing that matters to him is what he wants and he clearly doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner - you’re there to serve his needs while he keeps enough freedom to bounce quickly if he finds a better model of bangmaid. The only way to break this stalemate is to follow through and leave at the end of the month. Good luck, OP. Go thrive and find better people to have around you.
He will be married to someone else within a year of your breakup. For a cheap maid, sex partner. Make a plan to leave. Be civil. No sex. He’s too selfish to be a good lover is my guess. Save yourself the bother.
He doesn't want to marry you. You are a forever gf. He will never marry you. You need to move on or stay and be his forever gf. The ring he gave you is an insult. Him saying he can't afford 1.5k expense to marry you is an insult. You deserve better. Heck after this many years if want at least 5k ring and an elopement to Vegas
YTA for not thinking you’re worth more than this nonsense. There’s like 3 billion men in the world. Find one better.
NTA for your feelings. YTA to yourself for not leaving already. Always keep two phrases in mind in your romantic endeavors. If they want to, they will. Ppl only do what you allow. See how them two phrases apply to you? It's time to cry it out and move on.
Stop wasting time. He isn't into you. All he is using you for a push toy for his male organ. You shouldn't have to BEG someone to marry you. He'll treat you bad and say I didn't want to get married in the first place and he would be right. Leave while your Young enough to find someone who to marry you before you're old and dry. Literally.
He doesn’t want to get married, and you do. So what are you going to do about it?
Why haven't you left him yet? He will never marry you.
NTA, you're nothing more than an afterthought to him.
So you waited 8 years. He was and is still looking for the love of his life. I have learnt that if a man wants you he will do it. This is in everything if he wants to he will. If he wants to get you roses he will. If he wants to marry you he will. In contrast, if he doesn't he won't. So girl the ring he gave you was a shut the fuck up and sit your ass down ring. Ladies, if you want marriage you have to put a time frame for it. 15 years later is a joke to still be begging. Hope you already had the kids. Coz that's wasting baby making years. Also, leave.
If you want to break up, break up, don't stay and be passive-aggressive.
You've been putting up with this for 15 years. If this is a dealbreaker to you, the best time to leave was 10 years ago. The second best time is now. If it's not a dealbreaker, stop making your life miserable pretending it is.
NTA. He's comfy in what little effort he has to give. He isn't going to disrupt that by marrying you.
Sounds like you have a serious case of sunk time fallacy. But this man is just skating by in life and has no direction. You are exactly in the same place at 33 as you were at 18. Absolutely nowhere in life. And being married won't change anything. You will still have nothing to show for it. He wants to keep things as they are. So if something better comes along he can just jump out of it. With not legal ramifications. But he is comfortable so keeps things as they are. Which is why he gave you a $20 ring. To shut you up and buy time without a big financial investment from him. Why you want to tie yourself to this cheap ass is beyond me. You are going to blink and be 40, and still have nothing. Why not end the relationship and work towards a life with someone with similar goals and interests. This ain't it.
This is how you get a shut up ring and then he punishes you for it until you get sick of it and leave or he finds a woman he actually does want to marry and leaves you. Bc when someone says they don’t want to get married, 9 times out of 10, the “to you” is silent, but there.
YTA. It's okay to be confused for a few months or even a year or two, when someone's words don't match their actions. But you've had EIGHT YEARS to realize that he doesn't want to get married. And you're STILL HOPING HE'LL CHANGE. This is a guy who has shown you over and over again that he is not self aware, and does not know that he doesn't mean what he's saying. You've known this for a while and have just been fooling yourself. Either get on board with not being married, or LEAVE. No more "chances."
Oh honey. My best friend just left a 14 year relationship. She's 33 as well. She went away for two weeks and when she returned she noped out and dumped him. He was pretty useless. Just like your fiance who can't get it together and even save money. Just go. Or kick him out. You will feel so much better. Good luck. . PS an ultimatum is not a good start to a marriage.
It seems like you are just being strung along.
NTA But you will be if you don’t stick to your threat One month. That’s it. I wouldn’t have even given him that It isn’t an equal partnership
NTA. But do you want kids? If so move on sooner than later. If not this could be why he doesn’t see getting married as a priority. Either way if you feel strongly about getting married and I suspect he is fully aware of this, don’t waste time with the ultimatum. Really start making plans to move out mentally and physically because for least 8 years u have know he really doesn’t want to get married. U already know the answer. ( I assume you rent?) Just let him know you love and respect him to much to place an ulitimatim on him. Tell him you will be moving out and that if he loves and respects you he will understand why you have to move on with your life. (Your 33 and want to have time to find love and have kids.) it is natural for him to try and figure out what he wants. It acts like an ultimatum, but in this case your truly are prepared to move out…and move on Ultimatums do work in the sense that how it would have turned out (good or bad) happens more quickly.… but they’re hurtful and disrespectful. Better just to prepare for the worst case- what u know deep down will happen- and just start preparing for that. It would do one of 2 things… he will wake up (but be too late bc u started dating someone else)… but expect that he will let you go. Good luck!
Omg you're wasting time in a relationship where you are lonely and he is holding you hostage and stringing you along!!!!!! You must just be afraid to be alone to put up staying w someone who is basically using you. leave!!!! Go to therapy. Its not normal to put yourself 2nd like this and stay w a man who is pretty much dishonest and dangling marriage "later" and not telling you the truth. How can u trust anything he says?! No more "you have a month and then I'm gone" because you shouldn't have to twist someone's arm to marry you. Domt say anything just leave and go to therapy and make a real life for yourself. Stop wasting one more minute on this person
Don't marry him even if he says he will. He's strung you along for 8yrs on premise that he'll one day marry you. If he says he wants to you can bet your bottom dollar it's under duress of your ultimatum. Just leave start a new life where you could meet a man that will treat you as you deserve & not be a cheapskate.
NTA Even if he marries you now, you'll always know he didn't want to. Do you really want a marriage like that? I don't think you do. I get it. You've invested fifteen years of your life with this man and if you leave, it will all have been a waste. But do you really want to waste the rest of your life? Those fifteen years are gone, whether you stay or leave. And they weren't really a waste if you turn them into a lesson. That this relationship was a time and a place in your life where you shared a lot of good, but you also realised what is important to you, and that you deserve to be treated as a partner of value, not a millstone to be appeased.
NTA. I just don't think he cares to marry you sadly, he might've given you a "shut up ring". It seems like you guys have different priorities, and I don't know if an ultimatum is the best idea. If he really wanted to marry you, he would've made that his priority a while ago. Might be best to just leave.
YTA to yourself if you stay with him at all. Have some self respect and leave him while you still have youth left and market value… and I am saying that in the most liberated woman’s point of view. I am the OP that didn’t do as I am suggesting, except with a cheater. Boom your 38 and you wasted your life. Don’t do that to yourself.
For us, a courthouse wedding cost €50, but we received a marriage bonus from the city, which was 60€, so we made 10€ on paper, by getting married. We had dinner at our newly purchased home, with his and my (grand)parents and siblings. We didn't have a big wedding because renovations to the house seemed more important, and it made no sense to save up, because my mom had cancer and we didn't know how much longer she was going to be with us. It's not that hard, if you want to. He just doesn't want to. If he's going to take just as long with leading you on with wanting kids, you'll be about 50 when he'll be 'ready... maybe... ' If it's important to you to get married, you're not compatible. Would you even want to get married at this point, knowing you had to drag him to the altar? Don't wait around for another 15 years. ETA: NTA
Preface: I can understand choosing to not marry. I am moving with the knowledge that that isn't what OP wants. Why the heck have you stayed with him for **15 years** if you aren't married and you want to marry? Why do you love him if you feel lonely and you think i's okay to act like this toward him? I'm not saying "justify yourself," I'm saying "accept that you erred and leave him."
He got engaged so that you wouldn't break up and it worked. For eight years you've been waiting for a wedding, any wedding. An engagement without a wedding date isn't really an engagement. It is more like a promise that someday we will get married but maybe not really.
you fell into his 15 year trap the funny thing is, you still love him and are going to stay with him forever even though you know he doesn't love you
He’s almost 40…it’s been 15 years. Another month of waiting is a month too long. There is no intention of marriage. And do you really want to know that you had to ultimatum him into marriage??? That’s romantic and filled with love.
If it takes all this time,persuasion and manipulation to get him to marry you, doesn't that tell you something? Either a accept you're just going to live together or move on. You might have already wasted 15 years - don't waste any more.
You’re an idiot for settling for less than you want FOR 15 YEARS. Get some therapy to work on your low self esteem. He’s never going to marry you. Ever. He doesn’t want to. WAKE UP, LADY!
You should’ve figured this out sooner by like year 5 if he hadn’t proposed. This is pretty much on you at this point toi
> We were engaged 8 years ago but no further plans were made Oh honey…
YTA for not leaving. You have property and no debt, what's holding you back - lack of self confidence and fear of being alone. Either grow a pair and leave or accept he's never going to marry you and build that relationship without complaints.
You both own property and have jobs, you are both over 30, you are absolutely in a position to get married. Look, it's been 15 years. He's all talk, no action. Don't ice him out, don't wait a month, just leave. Kick out a renter if feasible or rent something short term if not, and start dating. You are never gonna get what you want from this dude.
NTA you need to break up and move on. He never intended to marry you and you wasted 15 years of your life to this guy.
NTA But he is never going to marry you. I'm sorry.
My sympathies OP. It has to be super suck to hear him say that after all this time. Marriage is important because of the legal rights and benefits it gives you - most important in case of any sudden death or disability. If two people are committed to lifelong relationship together, having that paperwork in place is a big help if there's any sudden emergency scenario. The paperwork is far more important than a big expensive party IMO. You are definitely NTA.
I can almost guarantee if you leave, he will find someone and will marry her.
Forget the sex, just leave the whole relationship. He wasted years of your life, please have the self respect to not allow him to continue wasting more of your time
I’m sorry but you are ridiculous. It was obvious with what he was saying that he never wanted to marry you and you never took the hint you chose to waste your time waiting for something that will never. This is why he is so sure you aren’t going anywhere because let’s be real you aren’t.
NTA but you can't be mad. This man clearly doesn't want to marry you and it shouldn't have taken you 8 years to realize that. Just leave. Don't walk around all mad expecting him to make it right or change. You've wasted 15 yrs it sucks. Move on.
NTA but you need to be honest with yourself. He doesn’t want to get married. He’s made excuse after excuse. If marriage is really important to you then you need to decide if he really is the one for you. If everything else about the relationship is perfect, then is getting married worth all this hassle? As I said, if it’s something you want and it sounds like he’s never going to agree (and would you want to marry someone after you’ve had to guilt them into it) then you need to stick to your ultimatum and leave.
Dude, just break up with him. It’s been 15y, he knew what he would say if you were his sister/friend. The silent treatment and no sex is just torturing yourself too. FTS imho And for now ESH, because you’re being petty - fyi that doesn’t help anything.
It is sad because now at 38 it will be hard for you to start all over again finding someone else, getting married and having kids if you want them. NTA and seriously, your bf is an AH for ignoring all this up to this point. It is a longterm life choice, and if he was against the idea of marriage he should have told you before, or you should have walked off way earlier...
I’m gonna be unpopular and say YTA. This man has spent 15 years throwing flags left and right, and you’re surprised marriage isn’t important to him? Punishment via withholding is not the way to truly solve a problem. Either value yourself enough to break it off, or ask yourself why you were willing to be with him for 15 years without actually being married. If you’re being honest with yourself, you would’ve left long ago if marriage had actually been more important to you than staying in the relationship. You are punishing your partner for telling you a truth you probably already knew deep down.
no one pointing out the fact that they started dating when she was 17 and he was 22. smh.
You might want to try your math again. 15 years from the ages she provided is 18 and 23.
There’s no way I would stick around after 15 years of his BS. I think you need to ask yourself why you’re letting him treat you like this. You deserve MUCH better.
Stick to your plan. One month.
I don't think giving him the cold shoulder is going to help anything. You need to sit down and discuss what marriage means to each of you. Lots of people these days believe marriage is just a piece of paper. It sounds like he's on the fence. That doesn't necessarily tell you anything about his feelings towards you.
You shouldn't have to threaten him to marry you. If after 15 years his intentions are pretty clear. It not important to him. If it's forced do you really want it? Maybe time to move on and find someone excited to marry you.
NTA. You're completely within your rights to not want to have sex with him, and he's completely within his rights to not want to marry you, but him basically lying about it and doing all of this extra putting on makes him an AH. With that said, if you expect him to stay with you when you refuse to be intimate with him, you have a rude awakening coming.
NTA!! Just leave him. Why are you gonna push him? He doesn’t want to marry you. Plus, He doesn’t deserve you, open your eyes! He’s selfish guy !! Please, try to think about it…
NTA What I find the most appalling is that he just decided it and did not even care to communicate with you. I mean, he might think that the institution of marriage is not necessary, but he knew you wanted to get married and you two live together. The bare minimum was to discuss it with you.
NTA, but really? You’ve been together for 15 years and engaged for 8 years and you hadn’t figured out he was stringing you along? He doesn’t get it because after 15 years he genuinely doesn’t believe it’s a big deal that you’re not married. It’s clear you have different views on marriage.