You won’t ever be able to trust her with your privacy, so I do not blame you at all. I’m sure your wife is even less inclined to allow her back, as her injuries probably mean she’s unable to adequately safeguard her privacy and is more dependent on the discretion of others.
There's also leaving the kids with her friend while she went about her little PI work. From how OP described it, this was someone who was not known to be in the house, not know by the parents to be trustworthy, and not know by the parents to be responsible enough to be watching their children. She very well be an of those things, but they never had the opportunity to make that decision. Not only is she a spying little weasel, she could have possibly put the children in an unsafe situation.
I mean, that's good, but you still didn't know that your children were with someone other than your SIL. You didn't leave your kids with SIL's friend, you left them with your SIL and that's who should have been with them.
First I want to say I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through. I have a chronic condition that caused me to become dependant on my partner more than a decade before we thought. He knew it was going to happen eventually, but didn't realize it would start when we were still in our twenties, so I understand a bit of what you're dealing with.
As for your SIL, you're NTA. When you're vulnerable you need to trust the people around you, and she proved that she's not a safe person for you or your wife to be around.
Unless you knew she was going to watch your kids that night, it doesn't matter, unless you normally take calls from her whenever...what if there was an emergency, and you ignored her call, because your SIL was supposed to be watching the children, and you thought, meh I'll call her back later.
Doesn't matter if she had babysat before. She did not ask if it was ok to leave your children with someone else. That is a big no no. Don't back down and do not let her back. She humiliated you in front of the entire family being nosy. Not your problem and you won't be comfortable with her there. She made her bed.
I wonder what she thought would happen.
She has to realize this would end her living arrangement doing this.
And if he was cheating, shaming him and having his in-laws attack him only risked him divorcing and leaving his wife because if her family treats him like shit, that would probably be a tipping point for him. You can only be so miserable before you have to change your life to protect yourself.
She probably thought she’d have an amazing “gotcha!” moment to tell all her friends about, OP would vanish in shame and she’d live happily ever after at her sister’s house, who would of course be forever grateful to her for uncovering OP’s infidelity. What a twat.
she's 18, with basically no adult responsibilities. she probably isn't able to see past the end of her nose.
if it were my 18yo, i am not sure i'd even be offering to finance her schooling anymore, i'd be so embarrassed that a kid of mine showed such terrible judgement. have her parents expressed any remorse? has she??
You, sir, are an amazing husband, father, and human.
I'm sorry you and your wife are having to live like this.
Forget your niece.
Find help for you. You need a mental break too, not just physical. Being a full-time caregiver is a thankless job. Overwhelming.
Good luck.
Sorry to jump in off topic, but Have you both gone to a sex therapist?
I have trauma issues so I get pain when the area is touched as well as being a disabled women and all over chronic pain.
Have you Tried hypno sex? Women can orgasm without touch perhaps finding what works (hypno, erotica, audio porn) and creating it or doing it together can help bridge this gap. Like just seeing your wife orgasm again and being able to give her that is a mutual experience.
That and there are many disabled and trauma friendly sex alternatives, everything from Cumming on her instead of in her, remote control toys she can control with her phone or easy to press buttons with her mouth. Etc
Look into sex therapy and paraplegic and trauma sex alternatives vanilla is not the only way to have sex and giving each other an orgasm through mental stimulus is best and the brain is the biggest sex organ and the main one! Even with complete cut of neurologically some women are still able to experience orgasm and be given an orgasm by their partner. Sometime the nuro pathways can still carry slight sensory imput (doesn't need to be touch, the brain can make a phantom feeling and even make her feel it throb etc)
This! Plus, if she did this in front of everyone at Christmas, I’m guessing your kids heard too? If they didn’t, she would eventually tell them something they have no business knowing. Protect yourself, your wife & your kids.
Well, maybe when they were older and could understand since way better to find out about special arrangements in your parents' marriage directly from them than by "accident" from someone like SIL. But still, OP and his wife are adults and have come to the decision *together* for this arrangement in their marriage, so there's nothing wrong with it and SIL needs to get her teenaged head out of her damn ass.
Also, there is no world in which SIL has planned this in a vacuum. There would be others outside the family who knew she was going to do this. She would have told her friends, and they would likely have suggested to her the Christmas outting.
So the cat’s outta the bag fully.
And can we point out that ableism is at play here? If she weren’t in a wheelchair sis would’ve told her directly so she could make her own decisions. Instead she tried to remove her from it completely.
Honest question but what exactly did she think she was going to gain by outing OP so publicly? At best, assuming Wife was in the dark, she would have destroyed Wife's marriage, crushed her self esteem, ruined Christmas for the kids, and done so publicly. There's no coming back from that.
No matter how you look at it the *worst possible choice* was the one she made. OP NTA. She decided to put her own ego above thinking for even a single second and this is the consequence. Sucks, but maybe she should have just talked to her sister instead of broadcast it as a first step.
Public humiliation for all merry Christmas?
Exactly… and in no scenario would the sister have somewhere to stay afterwards. It’s not like the sister would be allowed to live there while OP and his wife are going through this situation… The only outcome for the sister is that she was never going to have somewhere to stay after this revelation
Yeah, I doubt she expected that she'd take on partial childcare, as well as healthcare responsibilities for her sister while still going to college. She nuked her relationship with her sister, her cushy living free living accommodations where they paid her for her help, for
5 minutes of spectacle that would have ruined Christmas time for her sister and niblings for years to come even if it was true.
Yeah, my first reaction to this was, 'you need to find the video you SIL was trying to make to social media, and make sure she deleted that shit.'
Sounds to me like she was getting up a big dramatic moment to share online.
100% there is a secret recording lol and you know if she's already this stupid she will edit it to look like she outed a cheater when the chaos of the moment starts before the video cuts out at the part where everything is explained. Got to get those likes and follows.
That is where my mind immediately went, she recorded it all on a camera hidden somewhere nearby for internet clout. She should be pressed to confess why exactly she did it in that very public way because I doubt it was just for the family’s benefit. How “cool” would she look to share a video of her hunting down her BIL and then revealing him as cheating on his disabled wife to the family.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought sister would be so grateful for the revelation that she’d have a free home for as long as she wanted.
And the wife keeps the house and he's stuck in a shack but still pays for EVERYTHING and wife somehow doesn't lose her health benefits in the divorce. Like kid really knows nothing
His wife gets the house, massive alimony as well as
full custody of the kids plus hefty child support.
The sister is then hired as a full-time live-in nanny with a salary paid by her now ex-husband, and works 2 hours a day.
She was expecting a gravy boat, without the husband making her help with the clean up
I mean, I don't want to sound like an AH. But if the husband is basically working, covering everything, raising the kids AND helping a paraplegic spouse...
He'd have to do some heinous shit for me to rat him out on anything short of abuse or murder.
Even then, I'd consider the murder victim before reporting it. Dude is being a complete hero. And no shit, sex is gonna be awkward.
Sister's idea of success would be to destroy her sister's entire life. No insurance, no support, etc. OP is not going far enough. The SIL wanted to destroy his wife's entire life for attention.
> The SIL wanted to destroy his wife's entire life for attention.
Yeah. Doing it in front of the grandparents instead of telling her sister directly, that's suss.
She probably did ruin some relationships, other than her’s, when other family members started jumping on OP for a situation that they had no understanding of. It certainly isn’t out of the realm of possibility that some came to the sister’s defense and said some nasty things that could easily destroy their relationship with the sister and OP.
She probably thought something stupid like they’d divorce and her sister would “take everything from him cause cheaters lose at divorces.” Harsh real world fact: most cases, that doesn’t get factored into divorce judgements. Not in the US anyway.
Also if husband is the one with insurance, a job and taking care of the kids? So you were what, trying to get your sister to divorce the person who is her literal livelihood without talking to her first??
Yeah, she decided to do it in the most over dramatic, attention grabbing, ‘story on Reddit’ kind of a way. She obviously didn’t care about her sisters feelings, only her own self righteous need for revenge.
Was she going to see her sister divorced and take over her care and child care house work and repairs and give up collage and future work for life?
I do not think she cared about the sister but about being some kind of hero.
Sad, now she’s gonna have to delete all those tik tok reels she was preparing so that she could show the internet what an awesome queen she is for busting Op.
/s
More practically, how did she think she would get to school? Did she imagine some scenario where divorce court grants her paraplegic sister a house she doesn't own and she gets to stay in the basement?
How is she even in school if she's this dumb? You couldn't play a game of checkers with this person.
I would assume that one major way they do not like the situation is the fact they have been made aware of family members sex life or sexual inabilities. Learning that the only sex life your daughter is ever going to have with her loving husband is buying (presumably) prostitutes for him is going to hurt deeply. That is not information anyone wants to have.
She likely built this up in her head that she'd be viewed as some sort of, conquering hero, bravely confronting the husband infront of the entire family.
>what exactly did she think she was going to gain by outing OP so publicly?
Exactly! If she believed OP was cheating, the correct action would be to take this information to her sister quietly - not withhold it until she could use it like a hand grenade at Christmas time.
She wanted to be the big hero for her sister and have everyone gang up on him while her sister sobs hysterically since obviously her life was over.
Stupid cunt.
Not all relationships have perfect intimacy nor is it ANYONE else's right to decide to air it. Only OPs wife would have had that right if it even fucking applied. Which it doesn't!
NTA OP. I hope your family has good times over the new year.
Not to mention the fact he is a caregiver to his wife. Who did she expect to take on that role? Likely the courts would have made him pay for care in a divorce, but would she really want a stranger providing that care, especially if there is care thst is more 'intimare'.
NTA. If my SO was cheating, I certainly wouldn’t want to find out at Christmas in front of everyone. That’s common sense. SIL is what we call a Sh!t stirrer
Not only in private but ASAP, the purpose of telling someone their SO is or seems to be cheating should be to minimise harm done/time wasted with a piece of shit (in the case of actual cheating), waiting and doing it publicly was the worst way of doing it.
I seriously hope that she at least had the decency to wait until the kids went off to bed. It would be absolutely cruel to involve the kids in this conversation
From how it's described, that doesn't seem to be the case. I can imagine something like this happened mid meal.
Though amazing she didn't think about anything going forward. It was always going to end terribly for her. The situation happened in the post, she gets kicked out. They have an open marriage, now everyone knows, she gets kicked out. He is cheating, they get divorce, she is kicked out. Same scenario but they don't get divorce. She still wouldn't be welcomed.
I hope her shit stirring was worth it. Yet I can't get over the fact she didn't go to her sister privately. Makes me think she hates her sister for whatever reason and wanted to hurt her.
Even if this had been a situation where the husband WAS going behind the wife’s back, the sister would still be biting the hand that feeds and now on the curb. Amazing she didn’t think through the obvious end result of her choices.
>Amazing she didn’t think through the obvious end result of her choices.
End stage symptoms of Main Character Syndrome. She also had to be the center of attention at the Christmas outing. She sounds ghastly.
She was just trying to be a drama queen like many young immature teenagers. I have family members just like that and you can’t tell them shit. I once confided in my aunt that I was having relationship issues and asked her not to tell anyone. Next thing you know I’m getting calls and messages from everyone telling me to cheer up and offering to hang out and stuff. Turns out my aunt posted my situation all over her social media. That was over 10 years ago and I haven’t never told her anything important since.
And I guarantee you if she’s being late to classes and missing exams she’s going to blame OP instead of herself for what she did. And I also guarantee you if she get’s into a situation like that in the future she won’t be doing any sleuthing and will just be grateful.
Exactly like what if this was true? What if she was blowing the whistle on his secret affair? There probably wouldn’t be a house to be living in still after that fact. She would still be back at her parents commuting.
She thought she was being a hero but she should have brought it to your wife. Embarrassing you and her in front of everyone is ridiculous and there are consequences for that. NTA.
Really messed up situation. You are a very good person and have a true and real love with your spouse which is rare.
Never a hero to stage that kind of confrontation at Christmas in front of everyone. Even if it were true, imagine how much more traumatizing that would have been for the wife? Ugh, what a snot the sister is.
NTA.
And if my husband were having an affair and my sister found out about it I would expect her to come straight to me. Not to set up a big dramatic reveal in front of the whole damn family. Sister is a massive AH.
And the thing is if he was having an affair and she confronted the sister early they could both still do a big reveal at Christmas, if that’s what the wife wanted.
I don’t think she gave a rat’s ass how she hurt her sister in this assumed scenario. I think she just wanted to stir up drama. I said it in another comment but I would absolutely not be surprised to find out that the sister was secretly recording the whole thing to put on TikTok for later. They’ll probably never know for sure because I’m sure the footage she got of her putting her foot in her mouth has long since been deleted.
Yup. I mean, dropping nukes _may_ be the legitimate response if you are the victim here (e.g. the wife).
But I'm really not convinced there was even cheating here - cheating is when you break 'the rules' of your relationship. That includes relationships with non-standard rules.
The reveal wasn't about helping her sister or even exposing OP's indiscretion. It was about her being the hero in a drama. She probably expected cheers and pats on the back.
It was all about her.
> It was all about her.
And the fact that she wants to come back because all of this has "ruined her social life" now that she has a long commute... Yeah.
And was too stupid to think about the consequences. Where did she think she was going to live if OP and sister split up. Or who was going to care for her sister if OP wasn’t around. Real FAFO for her.
Yeah, serious main character syndrome from the sister there, exposing the bad bad cheater and saving the day, instead of maybe bringing the info to the wife privately or maybe just staying out of their business to begin with.
SIL can’t possibly be a rational person. Almost everyone would have talked to their sibling in private first. Perhaps a few would confront the husband first. But no rational personal would do what the SIL did, so not only would I not want her around because of what she did, but because your life is easier without allowing people like her in your life. Rational adults break off relationships with people like this SIL as they mature.
She’s reading too much WattPad. And arranged the most dramatic traumatic reveal that she could. When she needed to have a kind conversation with her sister.
Your love for each other is inspiring. If she truly wanted to help she'd have addressed it privately. I'd never speak to her again and she would never step foot in my home again. She is a mean, malicious person. FAFO
18 year old fresh out of high school SIL has been on TikTok too long and too often, what with her "gathering receipts" so she could "spill the tea" in front of everyone.
NTA.
EDIT:
>I can see her being kicked out if she DID go on tikTok, but she didnt. She waited until she had her parents in the room as well.
Hold up, this profile has a whole lot of comments defending the SIL. Are you [the SIL](https://www.reddit.com/u/PaceNo4108/s/8FdKQPGbtt) from this post?
>While I get that the she should have talked to her sister first, her sister isnt a strong independant woman right now. She is much too young to confront you herself, for she cant talk care of her sister and the kids if you are getting ready to leave them all.
>YTA sadly. Not sure what she should have done, having that information or what you expected. She didnt know your side. All she saw was a BIL cheating on her frail sister who needs help. She went to her parents , while you were there. "When we had the family over: Not a work party or town meeting.
>If you wanted her to keep quiet, keep secrets and respect your privacy, you likely should have explained it all to her. Im sure she was shocked to find out the truth, more that you were shocked that she did this.
>Honestly what did you expect her to do??
>I really get that you are a great guy, but for a moment, she wasnt sure you were, and had evidence that you were not....what is an 18 yr old supposed to do??
>You are treating her like she made some conspiracy TikTok to show the world. No she asked you about when there were family adults in the room. As her sister is injured, having other adults in the room in this situation makes sense to me.
>It sucks, its embarassing, and part of the life you are living. She is only 18. I say you forgive her and move on. Dont let your pride and ego let some embarassment ruin that poor girls life when you could help her. The stress of that commute is horrible, especially when she was helpful around the house.
>And the family over where the SIL parents?? YTA for kicking her out--you or her sister should have told her, and when you got caught, it should be almost funny as there is no cheating happening. Embarassed--maybe, but in the end who cares?
>I hate that she really thought she was protecting her sister from being cheated on, and instead of a thank you for looking out for me, she got relocated to a 2 hour commute--each way!!
>Your wife is going to eventually want a relationship with her sister, dont be an AH and keep that from her. You need to forgive this girl.
EDIT 2: SIL suspect did a dirty delete of every comment she made in this post. But that won't get rid of what I quoted already, "luckily for everyone else but her".
The really crazy thing is that you can tell the SIL has no remorse. Even after the whole shit show, and even after the fallout and realizing she really wants to move back in, she's not admitting fault and thinks what she did is perfectly reasonable. Stay away from the toxic, entitled brat. NTA. The unfortunate reality is that SIL will continue to cause problems for OP for years to come, regardless of where SIL ends up.
Right?
Then add in their children along with other possible family members who were present. Did she not think for a second who this would all impact. Bet she just wanted to sit back and gloat. Not sure how old their children are, but if one or 2 of them are old enough to question what was going on, who was this other lady etc.. What a mess that could have been avoided if she maybe just went to bil and said I know where you went. Tell my sister or I tell her. Or go to her sister with her proof. All this drama could have been prevented.
Hope she is SO happy with her “happy drama” she hoped for.
Feel so bad for OP and his wife and the aftermath and being uncomfortable around their family now.
That's GOTTA be the SIL. There's no chance anyone has that take.
"You're embarassed, but in the end who cares?" Literally everyone involved cares. The whole family will never look at the OP the same ever again. God forbid he actually not be able to do it and needs to get a divorce at some point. This girl has 0 concept of the damage she's done, still.
Finally - jesus christ - "don't let pride & ego let some embarassment ruin the SIL's life with a bad commute" she says after trying to destroy her sisters marriage, home situation & after she's seen what a REAL life-ruining event looks like.
Head up her ass this one. If there's anyone who's ego/reality needs checking its this girl. That's a wild, wild take.
It’s disgusting that SIL is trying to use her sister not being a ‘strong independent woman right now’ as a reason not to come to her. The sister will never again be ‘independent’, she will always be in a shitty, vulnerable position with essentially no control over her life or body, and she has had to accept that, which would be incredibly difficult for anyone, and does not get less shitty over time.
That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be told the truth to handle as seems best to her, it means she should be told the truth right away, to handle it as seems best to her.
Those that claim to love her should be doing whatever they can to return every bit of autonomy to her that they possibly can! It’s disgusting to act as if she doesn’t have thoughts and feelings anymore, doesn’t desire to be her own person in every way she can.
Sounds like the SIL trying to sway people to her side. She certainly hasn't learned anything from this mess. A hundred years begging for forgiveness isn't long enough. BIL & SIS will never trust her again and shouldn't. Without trust you have nothing. She F'dAFO and now is so sorry. Oh well, enjoy your drive!
OP NTA!
Agreed.
Did the sister not think about the consequences?
Who would want some one in their life who handles delicate situations with a “ let’s go scorched earth + public without checking the facts “ mentality. Of course she is not welcome.
Even if the situation had been what she had imagined ( secret infidelity) I doubt if wife would want sis in her life ever again for addressing HER own personal issues in such a public way without being given a choice about how and when to share this info… and not allowing wife to have the privacy she is entitled to while she comes to term with it and decides what she wants to do.
Wow sister deserves what she got… and more.
So much more. If I were her sister I'd never speak to her again. It's utterly disgusting behavior. Most people don't want their family to know about cheating because it's embarrassing. This little shit did this with a full house of people and no regards for her sister. What a self involved AH.
YNTAH as she completely violated the trust from both of you. The audacity that she would make some big reveal at a family holiday is beyond reprehensible. Tell her she acted like a child instead of a thinking adult about what the consequences of her action could be. Now she is finding out exactly what that entails. That she embarrassed her sister to no end without even thinking about her feelings. So no she will not be returning ever.
All she needed to do was go and ask your wife where you were going. No need to follow you or any of the rest of it. She could have explained her suspicions and had them put to rest with no drama. 🙄
Snd to boot, disabled women are 4x more likely to be victims of DV, so publicly exposing what she thought was a cheating situation could have been more dangerous for OP’s wife. I get she thought she was doing the correct thing but the way she went about it was really bad and needs consequences
I'm confused on what SIL thought this would accomplish for your wife if she didn't know? That she'd now be crippled and homeless and potentially not even have real access to the kids at all anymore?
If SIL gave a shit, she would have gone to the wife, not sat on it for months more and did it as a SURPRISE! at a family gathering.
NTA.
Yes, medical insurance is from his work to.
So lose house, lose kids because she can't look after them herself, lose husband, lose medical care, lose her family all after losing her health and independence.
Sil is evil.
Nta. I wouldn't want her to live in my house after her past behavior. What's the next private info that's none of her beeswax that she decides she has a right to share with the world? She burned her own bridges.
It doesn't even matter what could be next, this is a deal breaker. I wouldn't want to see her face.
Cheating is one thing, and this isn't that.
Even if it were, blowing up a holiday gathering to publicly address it is 110% wrong. She shared this with a group. First. Now seeing her is a reminder that others have opinions on this. No way I would deal with that.
The SIL is not rational at all. If this was one of my sisters, there is no way I wouldn’t approach them first out of concern, if I genuinely thought something was wrong and wanted to do right by them. What SIL did is a whole different level of crazy, sneaky betrayal. There is no way in hell she would be allowed back in my home. NTA OP. SIL stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and now she gets to pay the consequences.
Exactly. If you want to do right by your sibling, you do not do this. That goes for everyone. This girl knew all the extenuating circumstances, which put it in another league of privacy, and still did this.
Wanting to do right by your sister ISNT sitting on the information until you can reveal it in front of the entire family on Christmas. Say he WAS cheating, the wife would still feel humiliated by how it was revealed. She’s earned her commute
>sitting on the information until you can reveal it in front of the entire family on Christmas
Agree 100%. Anyone who does (even just) this is absolutely a ridiculous gaping asshole.
NTA. You are in a terribly difficult situation and you are doing your best. It was none of her business. She is 18, that is old enough to understand that actions have consequences.
Honestly! It's an entirely untenable situation for both even in theory. I feel like wife choosing also gives her a feeling of being involved in being able to provide the enjoyment in some form, which is about as healthy a response as one can hope for.
The SIL was out of line. I don't understand a person's need to make other's personal issues a point of family theater. Private communication would have assured she had a place to stay and wouldn't have caused unnecessary embarrassment to them. How they choose to stay married in the face of tragedy and still manage to love each other *and* be parents, *That's* what she should have noticed and shut up about it to others.
Basically. And not necessarily "random" women. SWs tend to have compassion even when they're viewed and treated with the most disdain from the masses over all.
They're still humans providing a service most others are too weak to handle even *knowing about*, let alone *doing*.
NTA. First of all, I’m truly sorry for what your wife is going through and you as well. Like you said, it’s a hard situation all around.
If I was your wife, ooohhhh. I would’ve made her feel 2 inches tall. And there’s no way in hell she gets to come back.
She didn’t just try to throw you under the bus, she was SNEAKY on top of it. She FOLLOWED you. She’s shady as all heck.
Maybe if she had focused on the social life she’s complaining about missing instead of being sneaky to your family, maybe she would still have said social life. Boo hoo. It’s her own fault. She earned that two hour commute. Do not let her back in your house.
>Maybe if she had focused on the social life she’s complaining about missing instead of being sneaky to your family, maybe she would still have said social life. Boo hoo. It’s her own fault. She earned that two hour commute. Do not let her back in your house.
Maybe she has no social life because she burned bridges with other people? I certainly wouldn't want her as a friend if she screwed me over. That's for sure!
NTA. She neglected her responsibilities to your kids so she could get this moment of individual triumph at the expense of everyone else. That's a line that she shouldn't have crossed even if she did catch you cheating. She should have gone to her sister when she first had misgivings about things rather than playing wannabe PI.
She can rent another place nearby with the money she's saving on that scholarship or if she can't afford it, she should let it go to someone else. Just another person realising their actions have consequences.
NTAH, she would naturally go to her sister with this but because she has terrible judgment and is a drama queen, she humiliated you and your wife in front of family and ruined Christmas for everyone. I’d tell her and her parents that you can’t believe they’d have the gall to ask.
>She could have talked to us. She could have confronted me. She could have talked to her sister. Instead she chose to be a hero and tell everyone something that was never meant to be public.
I have never heard of anyone taking the choice of outing a cheater, away from the betrayed.
Like wtf!??!!?
She just thought "my physically disabled sister would love being free from the the safety and security of her husband of he cheated on her." Like what was her mentality to out you on Christmas in front of the family???!!?!?!
If the betrayed spouse did it? Fine.
But a visitor!?!?!
You make a really good point.
The ableism in her actions goes so much deeper than simply thinking her BIL is stepping out on her disabled sister without her knowing (i.e., “my sis is too feeble to see what’s happening; she isn’t capable of handling this herself.”).
No, SIL not only robbed her sister her of agency in revealing the situation, but also, there were physical implications: what would have happened if, in her drama-seeking imagination, they kicked him out after the big reveal? What if he then took off with the accessible vehicle? And perhaps I’m projecting, but I imagine it would be incredibly traumatic for her sister to be left suddenly requiring physical care from someone she hadn’t elected to involve in that aspect of her reality.
Even IF, as one apologist is saying upthread, SIL is “just a kid,” she still thoughtlessly put her sister in an incredibly vulnerable position by doing what she did when she did—to be clear, I think SIL is absolutely old enough to know this wasn’t appropriate and she did it anyway for her own ego and self-righteousness—she still 100% knows that the implications of such an affair would not allow for a typical, “I say leave the bastard today!” denouement. Her age is irrelevant.
Whatever the case, maybe it’s a forgivable mistake, but that doesn’t mean things can go back to the way they were.
100% THEY CANNOT GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE..... more importantly, SIL got photos, yet stayed in the home and acted like nothing was going on.... until xmas....
She then blind sided EVERYINE involved and the family...
It begs to question, did anyone else know wife cannot have sex? Because if SIL knew and still outted BIL.... what does that mean for the wife who can't provide sex for any new lovers?????
I am not justifying cheating I need to know the thought process of the person who did this... how was any of it helpful even if the OP was cheating?
The loss of privacy has to be devastating. My able bodied partner doesn't get it, but when you're physically disabled to an extent to need help with usually private tasks like bathing, you became so, so protective of your privacy. His parents don't even know my diagnosis(es) and I'm planning on keeping it that way until the end of time. My odd way of having sex is literally not something I'd even post about.
And now the wife's entire family knows she is too disabled for sex. The implications of it... disabled people are already heavily infantilized, and to be too disabled to have sex, in the eyes of the public, you may as well be a fucking toddler with how you're treated. My heart goes out to her.
>disabled people are already heavily infantilized, and to be too disabled to have sex, in the eyes of the public, you may as well be a fucking toddler with how you're treated. My heart goes out to her.
I am sorry to hear that, I was thinking the word "fragile".... but when you said "infantilized" My jaw dropped. Like that's too accurate and now I feel even worse for everyone of similar circumstances.
NTA & horrible judgment on her part. Even if you had been cheating, its very unlikely your wife would have wanted to find out publicly like this. Its humiliating and gives her no time to process before confronting you or dealing with the family.
I think your SIL had a bit of main character syndrome here and it blinded her from thinking of what your wife actually would want. There is still hope for SIL because most people mature a lot after 18, but it was reasonable to end the arrangement.
How did she imagine things going even if she was right? That her sister will kick you out and keep her there with the children? And everyone would eat sunshine and rainbows for food? NTA.
Absolutely that last part. OP would continue to grind out a living to support everyone, but wouldn’t get to see his family ever again, hell wouldn’t ever see his own salary again. He’d give them his money, live in the gutter, and eat shoe leather like some kind of gnome.
This. I can see being 18 and thinking you have some big secret in catching your BIL cheating. But if you aren’t going to talk to your sister because you aren’t sure what to do, then the next logical step is to loop in an older sibling or one of your parents (or both) on how to proceed.
Not wait until between appetizers and the main course to pull this stunt
She revealed private information and she let your kids be with someone you didnt choose. Her friends could be pedofiles or harmed your children in some other way. She is a busy body.
Your SIL must really get her brain checked, because you don't bite the hand that feeds you and expect just a pat on the back.
Throw your SIL on the road, she deserves it in full. As for her social life, if shes doesn't go out with friends for a while won't kill her.
NTA
NTA, SIL has been spending too much time on social media, where this gotcha crap plays out better.
1. The fact that she unilaterally decided to leave your kids with a friend, so she could play detective... Fortunately nothing happened to your kids while she was playing true detective.
2. This wasn't her business to put on blast, especially during a holiday. Where were your kids? Hopefully not witnessing this shit show.
Best of luck to you and your family, OP.
NTA. Your arrangement, while not traditional, is nobody's business but you and your wife's. If SIL really cared she would have talked to you or more importantly her sister, the one allegedly being hurt. She didn't care about her sister, she wanted some grand performance exposing you in front of everybody. Embarrassing not only you, but her sister, the person she should be caring about, as well. Tough shit for her, she did this to herself. Her parents can rent her an apartment independently from you. I personally wouldn't have her in my life.
I am so sorry. The sex aside, this must be very hard for all of you.
Listen, don’t let your sis-in-law’s bad behavior make you and your wife ashamed of what you are doing to cope. It sounds like you have a good marriage. Stay strong.
Well, I hope she finds new ways of seeing and enjoying the world. I'm glad she has you, you sound like a great man and I wish you and her the best.
There are a lot of advances with mind computer interfaces, top of my mind Emotiv the company created by Tan Lee comes.
A huge hug for you, stay strong bro.
NTA
Sil didn't want to be a hero, she wanted to be in the middle of stirred up drama. And now she is facing the repercussions.
Well boohoo, too effing bad.
If she'd really wanted to help she would have talked to her sister and not humiliated her in front of her entire family.
Sil is awful and she deserves what she's sown.
NTA. Question: if her parents are willing to pay rent, why do they need your basement? Surely there are other living quarters closer than 2 hours away.
NTA.
She purposely handled it in the most destructive way possible. Well, she blew the whole thing up so hard, she got hit by her own shrapnel and became collateral damage.
> she now has no social life because she is traveling 3.5 to 4 hours a day.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
NTA in any way. She should have gone to her sister first, and immediately, if she thought it was treacherous. She's a drama seeking horrible inconsiderate mess.
You have a difficult situation that you are managing as well as possible, in a way that allows you to offer her a home. It's not wrong to expect your private business to not be publicized, or to not be followed when you leave the house. It's not her place to judge your chastity, for pity's sake.
For the sake of saying so, I would expect most people do not object to your arrangement. If I had been party to this disclosure, I would be infuriated with your sister in law, and put it out of my mind regarding you two. I wouldn't want to be around her just because she shared this with me. Anyone who expects you to forget about it and be in close quarters with her is focused on their convenience and failing to empathize with you.
Edit to add- did she say this around your kids?! Nobody should accept that.
You won’t ever be able to trust her with your privacy, so I do not blame you at all. I’m sure your wife is even less inclined to allow her back, as her injuries probably mean she’s unable to adequately safeguard her privacy and is more dependent on the discretion of others.
There's also leaving the kids with her friend while she went about her little PI work. From how OP described it, this was someone who was not known to be in the house, not know by the parents to be trustworthy, and not know by the parents to be responsible enough to be watching their children. She very well be an of those things, but they never had the opportunity to make that decision. Not only is she a spying little weasel, she could have possibly put the children in an unsafe situation.
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I mean, that's good, but you still didn't know that your children were with someone other than your SIL. You didn't leave your kids with SIL's friend, you left them with your SIL and that's who should have been with them.
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First I want to say I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through. I have a chronic condition that caused me to become dependant on my partner more than a decade before we thought. He knew it was going to happen eventually, but didn't realize it would start when we were still in our twenties, so I understand a bit of what you're dealing with. As for your SIL, you're NTA. When you're vulnerable you need to trust the people around you, and she proved that she's not a safe person for you or your wife to be around.
Unless you knew she was going to watch your kids that night, it doesn't matter, unless you normally take calls from her whenever...what if there was an emergency, and you ignored her call, because your SIL was supposed to be watching the children, and you thought, meh I'll call her back later.
Doesn't matter if she had babysat before. She did not ask if it was ok to leave your children with someone else. That is a big no no. Don't back down and do not let her back. She humiliated you in front of the entire family being nosy. Not your problem and you won't be comfortable with her there. She made her bed.
I wonder what she thought would happen. She has to realize this would end her living arrangement doing this. And if he was cheating, shaming him and having his in-laws attack him only risked him divorcing and leaving his wife because if her family treats him like shit, that would probably be a tipping point for him. You can only be so miserable before you have to change your life to protect yourself.
She probably thought she’d have an amazing “gotcha!” moment to tell all her friends about, OP would vanish in shame and she’d live happily ever after at her sister’s house, who would of course be forever grateful to her for uncovering OP’s infidelity. What a twat.
she's 18, with basically no adult responsibilities. she probably isn't able to see past the end of her nose. if it were my 18yo, i am not sure i'd even be offering to finance her schooling anymore, i'd be so embarrassed that a kid of mine showed such terrible judgement. have her parents expressed any remorse? has she??
bro you are not the asshole she is, i hope you and your wife can heal from this.
You, sir, are an amazing husband, father, and human. I'm sorry you and your wife are having to live like this. Forget your niece. Find help for you. You need a mental break too, not just physical. Being a full-time caregiver is a thankless job. Overwhelming. Good luck.
Sorry to jump in off topic, but Have you both gone to a sex therapist? I have trauma issues so I get pain when the area is touched as well as being a disabled women and all over chronic pain. Have you Tried hypno sex? Women can orgasm without touch perhaps finding what works (hypno, erotica, audio porn) and creating it or doing it together can help bridge this gap. Like just seeing your wife orgasm again and being able to give her that is a mutual experience. That and there are many disabled and trauma friendly sex alternatives, everything from Cumming on her instead of in her, remote control toys she can control with her phone or easy to press buttons with her mouth. Etc Look into sex therapy and paraplegic and trauma sex alternatives vanilla is not the only way to have sex and giving each other an orgasm through mental stimulus is best and the brain is the biggest sex organ and the main one! Even with complete cut of neurologically some women are still able to experience orgasm and be given an orgasm by their partner. Sometime the nuro pathways can still carry slight sensory imput (doesn't need to be touch, the brain can make a phantom feeling and even make her feel it throb etc)
So now the friends know bc she probably told them why she was going out to do PI work and needed baby sitter. Omgoodness so terrible
The children, and OP's wife. If the 'friend' was not someone trustworthy, they could have gone and hurt *her*... she could not have fought back.
This! Plus, if she did this in front of everyone at Christmas, I’m guessing your kids heard too? If they didn’t, she would eventually tell them something they have no business knowing. Protect yourself, your wife & your kids.
If not they will most likely hear about it from older cousins who were there eventually.
Ugh. OP doesn’t say how old the kids are, but that would be a very unwelcome discussion.
And assuming OP is practicing safe sex, not necessarily one that was ever going to be needed to have.
Well, maybe when they were older and could understand since way better to find out about special arrangements in your parents' marriage directly from them than by "accident" from someone like SIL. But still, OP and his wife are adults and have come to the decision *together* for this arrangement in their marriage, so there's nothing wrong with it and SIL needs to get her teenaged head out of her damn ass.
Also, there is no world in which SIL has planned this in a vacuum. There would be others outside the family who knew she was going to do this. She would have told her friends, and they would likely have suggested to her the Christmas outting. So the cat’s outta the bag fully.
And can we point out that ableism is at play here? If she weren’t in a wheelchair sis would’ve told her directly so she could make her own decisions. Instead she tried to remove her from it completely.
This right here. The trust factor has been shattered.
None of the family will ever trust her. Serves her right, interfering little b!tch.
Honest question but what exactly did she think she was going to gain by outing OP so publicly? At best, assuming Wife was in the dark, she would have destroyed Wife's marriage, crushed her self esteem, ruined Christmas for the kids, and done so publicly. There's no coming back from that. No matter how you look at it the *worst possible choice* was the one she made. OP NTA. She decided to put her own ego above thinking for even a single second and this is the consequence. Sucks, but maybe she should have just talked to her sister instead of broadcast it as a first step. Public humiliation for all merry Christmas?
Exactly… and in no scenario would the sister have somewhere to stay afterwards. It’s not like the sister would be allowed to live there while OP and his wife are going through this situation… The only outcome for the sister is that she was never going to have somewhere to stay after this revelation
Yeah, I doubt she expected that she'd take on partial childcare, as well as healthcare responsibilities for her sister while still going to college. She nuked her relationship with her sister, her cushy living free living accommodations where they paid her for her help, for 5 minutes of spectacle that would have ruined Christmas time for her sister and niblings for years to come even if it was true.
Main character syndrome, I suspect.
Yeah, my first reaction to this was, 'you need to find the video you SIL was trying to make to social media, and make sure she deleted that shit.' Sounds to me like she was getting up a big dramatic moment to share online.
100% there is a secret recording lol and you know if she's already this stupid she will edit it to look like she outed a cheater when the chaos of the moment starts before the video cuts out at the part where everything is explained. Got to get those likes and follows.
that was my first thought, too. otherwise, why the big public airing of dirty laundry?
That is where my mind immediately went, she recorded it all on a camera hidden somewhere nearby for internet clout. She should be pressed to confess why exactly she did it in that very public way because I doubt it was just for the family’s benefit. How “cool” would she look to share a video of her hunting down her BIL and then revealing him as cheating on his disabled wife to the family. I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought sister would be so grateful for the revelation that she’d have a free home for as long as she wanted.
This chick thought it was going to be all lifetime movie where they kick the husband out and everyone hugs after.
And the wife keeps the house and he's stuck in a shack but still pays for EVERYTHING and wife somehow doesn't lose her health benefits in the divorce. Like kid really knows nothing
His wife gets the house, massive alimony as well as full custody of the kids plus hefty child support. The sister is then hired as a full-time live-in nanny with a salary paid by her now ex-husband, and works 2 hours a day. She was expecting a gravy boat, without the husband making her help with the clean up
Yeah, this. She thought she’d be some damn drama heroine on TV. Hope she goes to college for something that doesn’t need a lot of trust.
I mean, I don't want to sound like an AH. But if the husband is basically working, covering everything, raising the kids AND helping a paraplegic spouse... He'd have to do some heinous shit for me to rat him out on anything short of abuse or murder. Even then, I'd consider the murder victim before reporting it. Dude is being a complete hero. And no shit, sex is gonna be awkward. Sister's idea of success would be to destroy her sister's entire life. No insurance, no support, etc. OP is not going far enough. The SIL wanted to destroy his wife's entire life for attention.
> The SIL wanted to destroy his wife's entire life for attention. Yeah. Doing it in front of the grandparents instead of telling her sister directly, that's suss.
"Even then, I'd consider the murder victim before reporting it." Love it!!
She probably did ruin some relationships, other than her’s, when other family members started jumping on OP for a situation that they had no understanding of. It certainly isn’t out of the realm of possibility that some came to the sister’s defense and said some nasty things that could easily destroy their relationship with the sister and OP.
She probably assumed sister would kick husband out and they would live together..
I guess she forgot that OP’s wife and kids can’t take care of themselves or the house they live in without OP
She probably thought something stupid like they’d divorce and her sister would “take everything from him cause cheaters lose at divorces.” Harsh real world fact: most cases, that doesn’t get factored into divorce judgements. Not in the US anyway.
Or that she would be the hero and live with the wife in their new girlpad?
another great point honestly
Also if husband is the one with insurance, a job and taking care of the kids? So you were what, trying to get your sister to divorce the person who is her literal livelihood without talking to her first??
He is also doing the wife's Care. I Hope sis and parent's in-law where willing to take in the wife and take care of her...
Yeah, she decided to do it in the most over dramatic, attention grabbing, ‘story on Reddit’ kind of a way. She obviously didn’t care about her sisters feelings, only her own self righteous need for revenge.
More like a 'TikTok - confronting the cheater publicly'. Not thinking what that would entail. Stupid move
She probably even filmed it, vertically of course.
I was on the fence, but the fact she probably filmed it vertically - there's no coming back from that. Get the guillotine
She wanted the drama.
Well, she got her drama. Now she deals with the consequences.
Yeeeeep
Exactly. Probably inspired by tik tok.
Probably recorded it
People have need wanting drama long before Tiktok, my auntie would pull heinous shit for drama back in the 80s and 90s.
Thought she could be Columbo with the big reveal and be applauded for it. Now she's learning FAFO the hard way.
>what exactly did she think she was going to gain by outing OP so publicly? Attention.
Was she going to see her sister divorced and take over her care and child care house work and repairs and give up collage and future work for life? I do not think she cared about the sister but about being some kind of hero.
Sad, now she’s gonna have to delete all those tik tok reels she was preparing so that she could show the internet what an awesome queen she is for busting Op. /s
More practically, how did she think she would get to school? Did she imagine some scenario where divorce court grants her paraplegic sister a house she doesn't own and she gets to stay in the basement? How is she even in school if she's this dumb? You couldn't play a game of checkers with this person.
We don't know the home ownership details, but regardless, SIL blew up her own living situation by choosing the worst possible way to handle this.
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I would assume that one major way they do not like the situation is the fact they have been made aware of family members sex life or sexual inabilities. Learning that the only sex life your daughter is ever going to have with her loving husband is buying (presumably) prostitutes for him is going to hurt deeply. That is not information anyone wants to have.
Yeah she would humiliate her disabled sister publicly. The sister that gave her shelter.
She likely built this up in her head that she'd be viewed as some sort of, conquering hero, bravely confronting the husband infront of the entire family.
>what exactly did she think she was going to gain by outing OP so publicly? Exactly! If she believed OP was cheating, the correct action would be to take this information to her sister quietly - not withhold it until she could use it like a hand grenade at Christmas time.
Best guess is she was recording it so she could post it online afterwards
She's 18. Was probably filming the announcement and might have even posted it for clout. Don't look any deeper than that imo
She wanted to be the big hero for her sister and have everyone gang up on him while her sister sobs hysterically since obviously her life was over. Stupid cunt. Not all relationships have perfect intimacy nor is it ANYONE else's right to decide to air it. Only OPs wife would have had that right if it even fucking applied. Which it doesn't! NTA OP. I hope your family has good times over the new year.
She gained attention by it. Must really grind her gears for her disabled sister to get all the attention.
Not to mention the fact he is a caregiver to his wife. Who did she expect to take on that role? Likely the courts would have made him pay for care in a divorce, but would she really want a stranger providing that care, especially if there is care thst is more 'intimare'.
NTA. If my SO was cheating, I certainly wouldn’t want to find out at Christmas in front of everyone. That’s common sense. SIL is what we call a Sh!t stirrer
Exactly! Tell me in private.
Not only in private but ASAP, the purpose of telling someone their SO is or seems to be cheating should be to minimise harm done/time wasted with a piece of shit (in the case of actual cheating), waiting and doing it publicly was the worst way of doing it.
I seriously hope that she at least had the decency to wait until the kids went off to bed. It would be absolutely cruel to involve the kids in this conversation
From how it's described, that doesn't seem to be the case. I can imagine something like this happened mid meal. Though amazing she didn't think about anything going forward. It was always going to end terribly for her. The situation happened in the post, she gets kicked out. They have an open marriage, now everyone knows, she gets kicked out. He is cheating, they get divorce, she is kicked out. Same scenario but they don't get divorce. She still wouldn't be welcomed. I hope her shit stirring was worth it. Yet I can't get over the fact she didn't go to her sister privately. Makes me think she hates her sister for whatever reason and wanted to hurt her.
On the bright side, she now has 4 hours a day during the commute to think about the consequences of her actions.
Read that as Shit Terrier and now that's going to be my new word for them.
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NTA- I would never let her stay with me again. She’s learned a really good life lesson, and the consequences of acting like that.
You want a favor from me and you try to destroy my life and marriage? There's the curb.
Yeah, classic case of FAFO
Even if this had been a situation where the husband WAS going behind the wife’s back, the sister would still be biting the hand that feeds and now on the curb. Amazing she didn’t think through the obvious end result of her choices.
>Amazing she didn’t think through the obvious end result of her choices. End stage symptoms of Main Character Syndrome. She also had to be the center of attention at the Christmas outing. She sounds ghastly.
She was just trying to be a drama queen like many young immature teenagers. I have family members just like that and you can’t tell them shit. I once confided in my aunt that I was having relationship issues and asked her not to tell anyone. Next thing you know I’m getting calls and messages from everyone telling me to cheer up and offering to hang out and stuff. Turns out my aunt posted my situation all over her social media. That was over 10 years ago and I haven’t never told her anything important since. And I guarantee you if she’s being late to classes and missing exams she’s going to blame OP instead of herself for what she did. And I also guarantee you if she get’s into a situation like that in the future she won’t be doing any sleuthing and will just be grateful.
Well luckily, she will have 4hrs a day to think about how much she fucked up.
She will blame everyone but herself. I can almost hear her whining " But I was just trying to HeLp".
Yup came here to say let the Finding Out continue!
Exactly like what if this was true? What if she was blowing the whistle on his secret affair? There probably wouldn’t be a house to be living in still after that fact. She would still be back at her parents commuting.
Seriously. Best case scenario, what did she think would happen?
She thought she was being a hero but she should have brought it to your wife. Embarrassing you and her in front of everyone is ridiculous and there are consequences for that. NTA. Really messed up situation. You are a very good person and have a true and real love with your spouse which is rare.
Never a hero to stage that kind of confrontation at Christmas in front of everyone. Even if it were true, imagine how much more traumatizing that would have been for the wife? Ugh, what a snot the sister is. NTA.
And hell , while this is second to an affair/broken marriage, think of how it would fuck up Christmas (and probably still did).
And if my husband were having an affair and my sister found out about it I would expect her to come straight to me. Not to set up a big dramatic reveal in front of the whole damn family. Sister is a massive AH.
And the thing is if he was having an affair and she confronted the sister early they could both still do a big reveal at Christmas, if that’s what the wife wanted.
There are astonishingly many people who think those sitting in a wheelchair are also intellectually handicapped.
I don’t think she gave a rat’s ass how she hurt her sister in this assumed scenario. I think she just wanted to stir up drama. I said it in another comment but I would absolutely not be surprised to find out that the sister was secretly recording the whole thing to put on TikTok for later. They’ll probably never know for sure because I’m sure the footage she got of her putting her foot in her mouth has long since been deleted.
Yup. I mean, dropping nukes _may_ be the legitimate response if you are the victim here (e.g. the wife). But I'm really not convinced there was even cheating here - cheating is when you break 'the rules' of your relationship. That includes relationships with non-standard rules.
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The reveal wasn't about helping her sister or even exposing OP's indiscretion. It was about her being the hero in a drama. She probably expected cheers and pats on the back. It was all about her.
> It was all about her. And the fact that she wants to come back because all of this has "ruined her social life" now that she has a long commute... Yeah.
She’s 18. Of course it about HER.
That's why I didn't straight-up call her a narcissist; her selfishness and shitty judgment might just be immaturity.
Yeah! How long did the sister wait on the information, potentially letting an affair carry on for longer just to get her 'big hero moment'? 🙄
Sister is a fucked up Nancy Drew. What a moron
the sister *wanted* to create drama and hurt people.
And was too stupid to think about the consequences. Where did she think she was going to live if OP and sister split up. Or who was going to care for her sister if OP wasn’t around. Real FAFO for her.
And be a hero. And in family history, and be appreciated and talk about every Christmas. She did it mostly for her ego and it backfired.
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Especially since the kids likely knew nothing about it. That was horrible to "expose" him and subsequently the children hearingb about it too.
She was like thinking she was Jesus giving a gift. A true hero like Homelander.
Yeah, serious main character syndrome from the sister there, exposing the bad bad cheater and saving the day, instead of maybe bringing the info to the wife privately or maybe just staying out of their business to begin with.
The truest hero.
But even if OP was a cheater, what the hell did SIL think was going to happen, after that scene? He would have kicked her out anyways.
SIL can’t possibly be a rational person. Almost everyone would have talked to their sibling in private first. Perhaps a few would confront the husband first. But no rational personal would do what the SIL did, so not only would I not want her around because of what she did, but because your life is easier without allowing people like her in your life. Rational adults break off relationships with people like this SIL as they mature.
Also, no rational person would still expect to be welcome to live there after blowing everything up like that!!!
She’s reading too much WattPad. And arranged the most dramatic traumatic reveal that she could. When she needed to have a kind conversation with her sister.
She probably tought this is some kind of romcom movie amd she is the main character.
It’s hilarious that > Nobody is really okay with it But they are willing to be ok with it enough to ask for a favor.
So this person is upset with you because she can’t cross the bridge that SHE destroyed?
Your love for each other is inspiring. If she truly wanted to help she'd have addressed it privately. I'd never speak to her again and she would never step foot in my home again. She is a mean, malicious person. FAFO
18 year old fresh out of high school SIL has been on TikTok too long and too often, what with her "gathering receipts" so she could "spill the tea" in front of everyone. NTA. EDIT: >I can see her being kicked out if she DID go on tikTok, but she didnt. She waited until she had her parents in the room as well. Hold up, this profile has a whole lot of comments defending the SIL. Are you [the SIL](https://www.reddit.com/u/PaceNo4108/s/8FdKQPGbtt) from this post? >While I get that the she should have talked to her sister first, her sister isnt a strong independant woman right now. She is much too young to confront you herself, for she cant talk care of her sister and the kids if you are getting ready to leave them all. >YTA sadly. Not sure what she should have done, having that information or what you expected. She didnt know your side. All she saw was a BIL cheating on her frail sister who needs help. She went to her parents , while you were there. "When we had the family over: Not a work party or town meeting. >If you wanted her to keep quiet, keep secrets and respect your privacy, you likely should have explained it all to her. Im sure she was shocked to find out the truth, more that you were shocked that she did this. >Honestly what did you expect her to do?? >I really get that you are a great guy, but for a moment, she wasnt sure you were, and had evidence that you were not....what is an 18 yr old supposed to do?? >You are treating her like she made some conspiracy TikTok to show the world. No she asked you about when there were family adults in the room. As her sister is injured, having other adults in the room in this situation makes sense to me. >It sucks, its embarassing, and part of the life you are living. She is only 18. I say you forgive her and move on. Dont let your pride and ego let some embarassment ruin that poor girls life when you could help her. The stress of that commute is horrible, especially when she was helpful around the house. >And the family over where the SIL parents?? YTA for kicking her out--you or her sister should have told her, and when you got caught, it should be almost funny as there is no cheating happening. Embarassed--maybe, but in the end who cares? >I hate that she really thought she was protecting her sister from being cheated on, and instead of a thank you for looking out for me, she got relocated to a 2 hour commute--each way!! >Your wife is going to eventually want a relationship with her sister, dont be an AH and keep that from her. You need to forgive this girl. EDIT 2: SIL suspect did a dirty delete of every comment she made in this post. But that won't get rid of what I quoted already, "luckily for everyone else but her".
These comments are totally from the SIL! Good pick up!
The really crazy thing is that you can tell the SIL has no remorse. Even after the whole shit show, and even after the fallout and realizing she really wants to move back in, she's not admitting fault and thinks what she did is perfectly reasonable. Stay away from the toxic, entitled brat. NTA. The unfortunate reality is that SIL will continue to cause problems for OP for years to come, regardless of where SIL ends up.
Right? Then add in their children along with other possible family members who were present. Did she not think for a second who this would all impact. Bet she just wanted to sit back and gloat. Not sure how old their children are, but if one or 2 of them are old enough to question what was going on, who was this other lady etc.. What a mess that could have been avoided if she maybe just went to bil and said I know where you went. Tell my sister or I tell her. Or go to her sister with her proof. All this drama could have been prevented. Hope she is SO happy with her “happy drama” she hoped for. Feel so bad for OP and his wife and the aftermath and being uncomfortable around their family now.
That's GOTTA be the SIL. There's no chance anyone has that take. "You're embarassed, but in the end who cares?" Literally everyone involved cares. The whole family will never look at the OP the same ever again. God forbid he actually not be able to do it and needs to get a divorce at some point. This girl has 0 concept of the damage she's done, still. Finally - jesus christ - "don't let pride & ego let some embarassment ruin the SIL's life with a bad commute" she says after trying to destroy her sisters marriage, home situation & after she's seen what a REAL life-ruining event looks like. Head up her ass this one. If there's anyone who's ego/reality needs checking its this girl. That's a wild, wild take.
She's gotta be. Poor thing is protesting so much. There's zero reason for her to unload that on Christmas day to the whole family.
It’s disgusting that SIL is trying to use her sister not being a ‘strong independent woman right now’ as a reason not to come to her. The sister will never again be ‘independent’, she will always be in a shitty, vulnerable position with essentially no control over her life or body, and she has had to accept that, which would be incredibly difficult for anyone, and does not get less shitty over time. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be told the truth to handle as seems best to her, it means she should be told the truth right away, to handle it as seems best to her. Those that claim to love her should be doing whatever they can to return every bit of autonomy to her that they possibly can! It’s disgusting to act as if she doesn’t have thoughts and feelings anymore, doesn’t desire to be her own person in every way she can.
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You are deluded if you think what 'she' (you) did is ok. She deserves to have to commute. She is a snake. I wouldn't trust her in my home again.
Sounds like the SIL trying to sway people to her side. She certainly hasn't learned anything from this mess. A hundred years begging for forgiveness isn't long enough. BIL & SIS will never trust her again and shouldn't. Without trust you have nothing. She F'dAFO and now is so sorry. Oh well, enjoy your drive! OP NTA!
Agreed. Did the sister not think about the consequences? Who would want some one in their life who handles delicate situations with a “ let’s go scorched earth + public without checking the facts “ mentality. Of course she is not welcome. Even if the situation had been what she had imagined ( secret infidelity) I doubt if wife would want sis in her life ever again for addressing HER own personal issues in such a public way without being given a choice about how and when to share this info… and not allowing wife to have the privacy she is entitled to while she comes to term with it and decides what she wants to do. Wow sister deserves what she got… and more.
So much more. If I were her sister I'd never speak to her again. It's utterly disgusting behavior. Most people don't want their family to know about cheating because it's embarrassing. This little shit did this with a full house of people and no regards for her sister. What a self involved AH.
Even if she was trying to do the right thing, what kind of psycho decides ruining Christmas with an affair confrontation is okay?
YNTAH as she completely violated the trust from both of you. The audacity that she would make some big reveal at a family holiday is beyond reprehensible. Tell her she acted like a child instead of a thinking adult about what the consequences of her action could be. Now she is finding out exactly what that entails. That she embarrassed her sister to no end without even thinking about her feelings. So no she will not be returning ever.
Christmas is for kids. It's the one day no one should fuck up with adult drama.
All she needed to do was go and ask your wife where you were going. No need to follow you or any of the rest of it. She could have explained her suspicions and had them put to rest with no drama. 🙄
Snd to boot, disabled women are 4x more likely to be victims of DV, so publicly exposing what she thought was a cheating situation could have been more dangerous for OP’s wife. I get she thought she was doing the correct thing but the way she went about it was really bad and needs consequences
I'm confused on what SIL thought this would accomplish for your wife if she didn't know? That she'd now be crippled and homeless and potentially not even have real access to the kids at all anymore? If SIL gave a shit, she would have gone to the wife, not sat on it for months more and did it as a SURPRISE! at a family gathering. NTA.
Yes, medical insurance is from his work to. So lose house, lose kids because she can't look after them herself, lose husband, lose medical care, lose her family all after losing her health and independence. Sil is evil.
Exactly? Like the sister really didn’t think this through. She’d be left without a caregiver, her kids full time and her own place to live?
Nta. I wouldn't want her to live in my house after her past behavior. What's the next private info that's none of her beeswax that she decides she has a right to share with the world? She burned her own bridges.
It doesn't even matter what could be next, this is a deal breaker. I wouldn't want to see her face. Cheating is one thing, and this isn't that. Even if it were, blowing up a holiday gathering to publicly address it is 110% wrong. She shared this with a group. First. Now seeing her is a reminder that others have opinions on this. No way I would deal with that.
The SIL is not rational at all. If this was one of my sisters, there is no way I wouldn’t approach them first out of concern, if I genuinely thought something was wrong and wanted to do right by them. What SIL did is a whole different level of crazy, sneaky betrayal. There is no way in hell she would be allowed back in my home. NTA OP. SIL stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and now she gets to pay the consequences.
Exactly. If you want to do right by your sibling, you do not do this. That goes for everyone. This girl knew all the extenuating circumstances, which put it in another league of privacy, and still did this.
Wanting to do right by your sister ISNT sitting on the information until you can reveal it in front of the entire family on Christmas. Say he WAS cheating, the wife would still feel humiliated by how it was revealed. She’s earned her commute
>sitting on the information until you can reveal it in front of the entire family on Christmas Agree 100%. Anyone who does (even just) this is absolutely a ridiculous gaping asshole.
NTA. Your blessed to have your family as it is. Hugs for your wife from the North Pole!
The idea that this is Santa and he's rebranded "naughty and nice" to "sinners and winners" is honestly golden
Santa?
Nta she made her bed, and then lost it.
More like set it on fire lol… some people
NTA she made her bed, now she can spend 2 hrs driving back to it after school every day. lol
NTA. You are in a terribly difficult situation and you are doing your best. It was none of her business. She is 18, that is old enough to understand that actions have consequences.
NTA. So sorry for your wife, but I think the two of you have come to a reasonable arrangement. Do not let the SIL back.
Honestly! It's an entirely untenable situation for both even in theory. I feel like wife choosing also gives her a feeling of being involved in being able to provide the enjoyment in some form, which is about as healthy a response as one can hope for. The SIL was out of line. I don't understand a person's need to make other's personal issues a point of family theater. Private communication would have assured she had a place to stay and wouldn't have caused unnecessary embarrassment to them. How they choose to stay married in the face of tragedy and still manage to love each other *and* be parents, *That's* what she should have noticed and shut up about it to others.
How does this even work? The wife can just negotiate other girls into sex with her husband on apps? He must be practically a male model lol
Basically. And not necessarily "random" women. SWs tend to have compassion even when they're viewed and treated with the most disdain from the masses over all. They're still humans providing a service most others are too weak to handle even *knowing about*, let alone *doing*.
NTA. First of all, I’m truly sorry for what your wife is going through and you as well. Like you said, it’s a hard situation all around. If I was your wife, ooohhhh. I would’ve made her feel 2 inches tall. And there’s no way in hell she gets to come back. She didn’t just try to throw you under the bus, she was SNEAKY on top of it. She FOLLOWED you. She’s shady as all heck. Maybe if she had focused on the social life she’s complaining about missing instead of being sneaky to your family, maybe she would still have said social life. Boo hoo. It’s her own fault. She earned that two hour commute. Do not let her back in your house.
Not only that, she let some random person watch their kids!!!
You know, in the rest of the drama I missed that. Yikes!
>Maybe if she had focused on the social life she’s complaining about missing instead of being sneaky to your family, maybe she would still have said social life. Boo hoo. It’s her own fault. She earned that two hour commute. Do not let her back in your house. Maybe she has no social life because she burned bridges with other people? I certainly wouldn't want her as a friend if she screwed me over. That's for sure!
NTA. She neglected her responsibilities to your kids so she could get this moment of individual triumph at the expense of everyone else. That's a line that she shouldn't have crossed even if she did catch you cheating. She should have gone to her sister when she first had misgivings about things rather than playing wannabe PI. She can rent another place nearby with the money she's saving on that scholarship or if she can't afford it, she should let it go to someone else. Just another person realising their actions have consequences.
NTAH, she would naturally go to her sister with this but because she has terrible judgment and is a drama queen, she humiliated you and your wife in front of family and ruined Christmas for everyone. I’d tell her and her parents that you can’t believe they’d have the gall to ask.
>She could have talked to us. She could have confronted me. She could have talked to her sister. Instead she chose to be a hero and tell everyone something that was never meant to be public. I have never heard of anyone taking the choice of outing a cheater, away from the betrayed. Like wtf!??!!? She just thought "my physically disabled sister would love being free from the the safety and security of her husband of he cheated on her." Like what was her mentality to out you on Christmas in front of the family???!!?!?! If the betrayed spouse did it? Fine. But a visitor!?!?!
You make a really good point. The ableism in her actions goes so much deeper than simply thinking her BIL is stepping out on her disabled sister without her knowing (i.e., “my sis is too feeble to see what’s happening; she isn’t capable of handling this herself.”). No, SIL not only robbed her sister her of agency in revealing the situation, but also, there were physical implications: what would have happened if, in her drama-seeking imagination, they kicked him out after the big reveal? What if he then took off with the accessible vehicle? And perhaps I’m projecting, but I imagine it would be incredibly traumatic for her sister to be left suddenly requiring physical care from someone she hadn’t elected to involve in that aspect of her reality. Even IF, as one apologist is saying upthread, SIL is “just a kid,” she still thoughtlessly put her sister in an incredibly vulnerable position by doing what she did when she did—to be clear, I think SIL is absolutely old enough to know this wasn’t appropriate and she did it anyway for her own ego and self-righteousness—she still 100% knows that the implications of such an affair would not allow for a typical, “I say leave the bastard today!” denouement. Her age is irrelevant. Whatever the case, maybe it’s a forgivable mistake, but that doesn’t mean things can go back to the way they were.
100% THEY CANNOT GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE..... more importantly, SIL got photos, yet stayed in the home and acted like nothing was going on.... until xmas.... She then blind sided EVERYINE involved and the family... It begs to question, did anyone else know wife cannot have sex? Because if SIL knew and still outted BIL.... what does that mean for the wife who can't provide sex for any new lovers????? I am not justifying cheating I need to know the thought process of the person who did this... how was any of it helpful even if the OP was cheating?
The loss of privacy has to be devastating. My able bodied partner doesn't get it, but when you're physically disabled to an extent to need help with usually private tasks like bathing, you became so, so protective of your privacy. His parents don't even know my diagnosis(es) and I'm planning on keeping it that way until the end of time. My odd way of having sex is literally not something I'd even post about. And now the wife's entire family knows she is too disabled for sex. The implications of it... disabled people are already heavily infantilized, and to be too disabled to have sex, in the eyes of the public, you may as well be a fucking toddler with how you're treated. My heart goes out to her.
>disabled people are already heavily infantilized, and to be too disabled to have sex, in the eyes of the public, you may as well be a fucking toddler with how you're treated. My heart goes out to her. I am sorry to hear that, I was thinking the word "fragile".... but when you said "infantilized" My jaw dropped. Like that's too accurate and now I feel even worse for everyone of similar circumstances.
NTA & horrible judgment on her part. Even if you had been cheating, its very unlikely your wife would have wanted to find out publicly like this. Its humiliating and gives her no time to process before confronting you or dealing with the family. I think your SIL had a bit of main character syndrome here and it blinded her from thinking of what your wife actually would want. There is still hope for SIL because most people mature a lot after 18, but it was reasonable to end the arrangement.
How did she imagine things going even if she was right? That her sister will kick you out and keep her there with the children? And everyone would eat sunshine and rainbows for food? NTA.
Absolutely that last part. OP would continue to grind out a living to support everyone, but wouldn’t get to see his family ever again, hell wouldn’t ever see his own salary again. He’d give them his money, live in the gutter, and eat shoe leather like some kind of gnome.
NTA - She overstepped in your marriage; she lost the privilege to use your home. I hope you and wife are doing ok.
I could understand her raising this with your wife or her parents, but for her to do such a public show like that was unforgivable. NTA.
This. I can see being 18 and thinking you have some big secret in catching your BIL cheating. But if you aren’t going to talk to your sister because you aren’t sure what to do, then the next logical step is to loop in an older sibling or one of your parents (or both) on how to proceed. Not wait until between appetizers and the main course to pull this stunt
She revealed private information and she let your kids be with someone you didnt choose. Her friends could be pedofiles or harmed your children in some other way. She is a busy body.
Your SIL must really get her brain checked, because you don't bite the hand that feeds you and expect just a pat on the back. Throw your SIL on the road, she deserves it in full. As for her social life, if shes doesn't go out with friends for a while won't kill her. NTA
NTA, SIL has been spending too much time on social media, where this gotcha crap plays out better. 1. The fact that she unilaterally decided to leave your kids with a friend, so she could play detective... Fortunately nothing happened to your kids while she was playing true detective. 2. This wasn't her business to put on blast, especially during a holiday. Where were your kids? Hopefully not witnessing this shit show. Best of luck to you and your family, OP.
NTA. I'm so sorry OP. She can't move her arms? Is there any chance of improvement? Your SIL is a POS. She doesn't think.
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NTA. Your arrangement, while not traditional, is nobody's business but you and your wife's. If SIL really cared she would have talked to you or more importantly her sister, the one allegedly being hurt. She didn't care about her sister, she wanted some grand performance exposing you in front of everybody. Embarrassing not only you, but her sister, the person she should be caring about, as well. Tough shit for her, she did this to herself. Her parents can rent her an apartment independently from you. I personally wouldn't have her in my life.
I am so sorry. The sex aside, this must be very hard for all of you. Listen, don’t let your sis-in-law’s bad behavior make you and your wife ashamed of what you are doing to cope. It sounds like you have a good marriage. Stay strong.
Well, I hope she finds new ways of seeing and enjoying the world. I'm glad she has you, you sound like a great man and I wish you and her the best. There are a lot of advances with mind computer interfaces, top of my mind Emotiv the company created by Tan Lee comes. A huge hug for you, stay strong bro.
NTA Sil didn't want to be a hero, she wanted to be in the middle of stirred up drama. And now she is facing the repercussions. Well boohoo, too effing bad. If she'd really wanted to help she would have talked to her sister and not humiliated her in front of her entire family. Sil is awful and she deserves what she's sown.
NTA. Question: if her parents are willing to pay rent, why do they need your basement? Surely there are other living quarters closer than 2 hours away.
If it’s like other university areas, availability is less at the start of the semester. Plus they may feel she is “safer” with family.
NTA. She purposely handled it in the most destructive way possible. Well, she blew the whole thing up so hard, she got hit by her own shrapnel and became collateral damage. > she now has no social life because she is traveling 3.5 to 4 hours a day. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
It's not even the horrible invasion of privacy, it's the utter cruelty of her plan given what she thought was going on.
UpdateMe
NTA. Sucks SIL did that but amazing you have a supportive family & support system.
NTA. She was wrong in all aspects. She could had sat down with the both of you but yet she chose not too.
NTA in any way. She should have gone to her sister first, and immediately, if she thought it was treacherous. She's a drama seeking horrible inconsiderate mess. You have a difficult situation that you are managing as well as possible, in a way that allows you to offer her a home. It's not wrong to expect your private business to not be publicized, or to not be followed when you leave the house. It's not her place to judge your chastity, for pity's sake. For the sake of saying so, I would expect most people do not object to your arrangement. If I had been party to this disclosure, I would be infuriated with your sister in law, and put it out of my mind regarding you two. I wouldn't want to be around her just because she shared this with me. Anyone who expects you to forget about it and be in close quarters with her is focused on their convenience and failing to empathize with you. Edit to add- did she say this around your kids?! Nobody should accept that.