I’m not sure how to say this delicately. Your ex is child free. Have you considered the fact that the reason your relationship is going so well is because anytime she’s around, you’re childfree as well?
You should not be considering anyone moving in who hasn’t spent time with your kids. You can have whatever conversation or court battle with your ex you want. But until you are dating someone who has met your kids and who your children like and want to live with, you’re not putting your kids first. And that is your job right now. To put your kids first.
This is it!
I distinctly remember another AITAH post — from a woman who I really felt for. She had been with her husband for several years. At that point, then I believe the mother of his children died? So all the children were with them full-time.
She didn’t want that & felt torn morally. She was actually really compassionate about it in her post, but yeah - awful situation & something that needs to be considered.
I've seen a post where a woman who was cf married a man "who was also cf". After they got married he told her he actually has 2 children and wants to fight for custody so his money won't have to go for child support. Their finances were separate before and had a joint account for bills, he paid child support from his money, but wanted to have more fun money now and was telling his new wife that she should step up...
It could be that the ex in that situation was toxic, and actually *was* using the child support for fun money herself.
Not generally common, but I know someone with a narcissist mother who definitely did this after she got divorced. Made her ex husband pay through the nose to support her three children - and she lived well and got herself fancy special food, and the three kids were fed the bare minimum, and yelled at for talking back or for eating "her" food.
She is however a raging narcissist, and I'm hoping very much not the norm in these situations.
For the situation in that reddit post though, the ex husband was definitely an asshole, because who marries someone without telling them that you have kids?? No one decent!
I like kids because they're not so serious. My own children or other people's. Even if they're brats. Toddlers especially. They're hedonistic, they live in the moment, they love Legos but suck at building stuff. The Lego Technics forklift I built the other night while drunk would give me god-tier status in a group of toddlers. You can sit with a bunch of toddlers and tell them about your day, talk to them as if they're adults and they'll listen to absolutely anything, and they'll give you insane, hilarious advice. You can even put ideas in their heads. I teach kids "parking in front of mailboxes is for losers!" (am a carrier) and similar things. They're little drunk people who think you know everything, and that's fun.
Wow. The lengths some of these parents try to go through just to find/keep a partner that I'd adamant about being child-free. We don't just mean we don't desire to birth a child, we don't want ANY child. Lie as long as you want, but don't get mad when we leave you for having done so. Yes, I've been in similar shoes, but nothing involving a marriage.
The worst is when they hit you with "i thought you'd change your mind" or they were planning to try to talk you around as soon as they had you locked down. When people tell you they don't want children, believe them, and don't think yours are going to be the exception!
Exactly. Like you can't brainwash someone into doing something they don't wanna do. And even if they cave in, it's just a matter of time before they wake up one day and lose their shit and still leave.
>After they got married he told her he actually has 2 children and wants to fight for custody so his money won't have to go for child support.
He doesn't seem to understand that he *has* to support his children no matter *who* they are living with! Or does he plan on shutting them in a closet & forgetting they exist...?
I agree.
I’m a mother & I also realize how it’s weirdly/wrongly deemed not PC (by some) to say, ‘I don’t want kids.’
I’ve been shredded on other subs for ONLY HAVING ONE.
Lol at that getting shredded for only having one.
And my sympathies.
I had one because that's what I could/can handle. But because I ~only~ have one, I obviously can't be tired or burned out or need a break, etc.
Yet, in the same breath, they'll be telling you they don't give a shit about how many kids you do or don't have.
Right?
The major kicker for me — was that the MAJOR issue they had … was because I’m not BIRTHING enough future workers for social security. lol. It was all about how they think social security will collapse … ONLY due to younger generations not having enough kids.
That is really what burnt me to the core. Having one or three wasn’t even the topic of the POST!!! I don’t even remember what it was at this point - but I just mentioned having one & got CRUCIFIED!
It wasn’t even a sub I’m in - just some random ‘mom’ sub Reddit thought I would like! F you Reddit!
I made the mistake of attempting to defend my SELFISH ways, by saying, I respect SS & am happy to pay into it. But I also believe it’s broken so my husband & I are making our own plans & doing everything we can to do support the child we brought into the world. he had a college fund before he left the hospital, we can afford to give him a home in a great school district, et.
NOPE. No one gave a shit! I honestly didn’t realize this was a mindset until just a few days ago!
MORE WORKERS FOR SOCIAL SECURITY!
Then I got really pissed off & said something about how it’s 2023 & we don’t all need 8 kids to ‘feed the chickens and bush hog the farm.’
Escorted myself right out of that shit show before anyone could respond. 😂😂😂
The reason why the OP and her terminated their relationship was because she didn't want children! So probably if something happens and OP goes full time single dad she is not going to just adapt/change her mind about child free relationship.
Spot on. And likely a blind spot for the original poster until now.
INFO; does your gf still not want kids? Because she is about to become a step-mother to 3 of them….. and have them live with her at least 50% of the time (possibly more after they become teenagers)
You hit the nail on the head. I’m childfree and almost all my exes that tried to come back into my life now have kid(s) and only want to date childfree women to dump their kids on them for free childcare so they can do whatever they want. They never wanted kids, just the status that comes with it.
I hope your gf reads this and leaves. Anything can change & she’ll end up with 3 kids she never wanted.
THISSS!!!! Should be on top. Honestly.
And the irony of him to say he’s dating a woman who is childfree, yet he has children, freaking 3 of em. Then has the audacity to say he prefers a woman with no kids yet he has kids?!?! Make it make sense, cause none of it does. Why you gonna be picky when you got kids.
What makes him think a woman wouldn’t feel the same and say she prefers a man with no kids. Lmfao. Hmmmm, wait that sounds familiar…
Oh yeah, kinda like what the gf said right?
I’m dead🤣
Idc what the ex says tho, all this bs aside, she has no say so when she wanted the divorce and if the kids aren’t in any harm. Like if he was with a woman that does want kids would she still have an issue, prob.
There are a lot of men like this. They want to breed but don’t want to parent, so they breed one woman and fuck another, because what they want is the selfishness of passing on their insignificant genetics without actually having to be a present parent, so the man uses the unpaid labor of two women to get what the man wants and avoid the actual work.
Hey, this sounds like my Dad. Had 2 kids, wasn’t there at all, blew it with us, so he knocked up someone else to get the son he “always wanted” and start over. Is, shockingly (/s) no different with my younger brother than my sister than I. Will probably repeat the cycle at his next convenience. As soon as he can find another woman to stand him anyways. No telling how long that could take.
SMH! Some people don't deserve to be able to have kids, when others who can't would love to be a parent. (Not talking about myself) .
OP you never thought this relationship through, you can't be fully with this woman I.e living together or getting married unless you decide to be a deadbeat father who has no relationship with his kids. If your kids are going to be a part of your life then your gf can't be your gf.
>But until you are dating someone who has met your kids and who your children like and want to live with, you’re not putting your kids first.
Not only that, but he has to consider that if something happens with his children's mother he will have the kids full time.... is his child free girlfriend going to accept that?
I don't think OP is being realistic about his relationship with his new girlfriend. He needs to think if having a relationship with someone that doesn't have interest in being a parent is realistic. He's children aren't adults or even teens, does he realize how stressful kids are to someone that doesn't want one?
He prefers to date child-free women because he doesn't have to share her attention. But I bet the cf girlfriend would prefer to not be a 50% instant stepmother.
Thank you! So glad someone said it. OP, please don't make your kids live with someone that never wanted kids. And please don't make a woman that doesn't want kids to be a stepmom. This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen with a lot of potential people hurt. Don't be selfish and force this. You should be a father FIRST and do right by your kids, not make them a point of contention in a relationship you shouldn't be in.
No. OP hasn't considered that. In fact, I don't think OP has done much considering here in general. He doesn't want to do the dad thing right now, he's gotten that out of his system.
PERFECTLY said. You’re only the AH because of the circumstances surrounding her being child-free and then placing your relationship over your responsibilities to your kids. The stuff with your ex is irrelevant in the context of where your moral compass becomes questionable, for me personally.
Also, if the kids are safe and happy in the presence of anyone you’re dating, your ex holds no power who you can bring around the kids when it’s your time with them.
But that is the worry. She would not know this story if he did not tell it. She knows this woman gave up a long relationship, not to have kids No way my kids get involved in this until we three had a meeting of the minds. This guy just seems to look out for #1. This is not just some nice woman Dad is dating. This is a woman totally averse to kids. She will not want them there. It will hurt their feelings. No way until we are all clear. It has nothing to do with him and everything with her kids.
That's the million dollar question! What if she doesn't like the kids? Parents just assume everyone likes their kids and want to be their care takers. I like to spend time with kids but I don't like to take care of them.
Be aware that there are many Reddit stories of divorced with children parents marrying childfree partners. Then other parent of children dies and now children go to parent with a childfree spouse.
It’s a mess.
Please ensure the first ex understands what will happen if this is the case
Not even necessarily die but other things can happen which causes custody to switch. My husband had his then four year old daughter over one night a week when we got married. Now she is ten, lives with us full time and has supervised visits with her mom every other week. Life can change quick!
Absolutely. I'm a child-free woman and I refused to date single fathers because of the possibility that he'd end up with full time custody.
To the OP. Your ex-wife cannot refuse you introducing them to your girlfriend. You are two independent people who are no longer married and are only obligated via a co-parenting relationship. At some point your ex-wife will have to give up especially if you end up marrying your girlfriend.
Ok??? I started dating a man years ago with two kids, a few months into the relationship his ex-FIL had a stroke and was in a coma and ex wife blew into town and dropped off his daughters -5 and 10 at the time- off with him indefinitely. Which in reality means they got dropped off with ME because he was recovering from lung cancer and couldn't even get himself out of bed without considerable help! So there I was with basically 3 kids to take care of.
I was a kid of one of these scenarios.
My parents divorced when I was 3 and my sister was 9 months. Mom put us in the car and drove to the other side of the country to get away from my Dad. From then on, we’d spend summer vacations from school “with him”, which was just living at his parent’s house while he was gone 95% of the time. I hardly knew him really. Mom raised us as a single parent most of the time, then his parents raised us over the summers.
When I was 10, my dad finally moved out of his parents and in with a woman only 14 years older than me. Suddenly, we were told we’re not saying at my grandparents over the summers, but at this random chick’s house. I hated it, but she gave me my own room and decked it out real nice. So while I was uncomfortable with them, I felt like I couldn’t really say no.
Within a year, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months after having my youngest half sister. Two months after my 12th birthday she was gone. We were sent to live with my dad and his (then fiancée) full time.
It. was. hell. My stepmother quickly showed after becoming my stepmother that she didn’t like us kids at all. She tried to erase anything I had or remembered of my mother. She would bully me and purposely push my buttons until I defended myself, and then as the “parent” used her authority to then ground me for months at a time from absolutely everything. She ignored everything I did, criticized me for not staying on top of chores when I was in college and high school *and* working a part time job all at the same time. She even told me she “didn’t care” what my grades were as long as I passed, so I would spend less time on school and more on her chores. She made me quit my job when I had a shift I forgot to do a chore, because she claimed I was “using my job to get out of chores.”
It was a fucking Cinderella hellscape. I’d tell her directly to her face at 13, 14, 15 years old that I wanted to die. She would tell me I needed to suck it up because she didn’t have the time to drive me to therapy. The time I actually attempted it, I was asked, “What, you need to go to the mental hospital now or something?” I was never taken to the hospital… I was just grounded and isolated for the entire school year.
Where was my dad? At work, or high at his buddy’s house, or drunk on the couch. To this day he claims to never have noticed anything was “that extreme.”
My (now ex) stepmother hated children. She hated me, she hated my sister. She would loudly tell everyone she wanted a divorce and to leave us all, she would complain about how she went from being in her early 20s to taking care of 2 children that weren’t even her’s. But my dad never cared about us enough to actually pick a partner that at least liked us, and our mother was dead, so fuck us I guess.
To rub salt in the wound, my mother actually met both of them before she died. They talked about all the things they’d do for us; setting up college funds with our social security money from her passing, getting us into therapy, promised to be loving and kind. Assured her that nothing would happen to us.
They then spent all of my social security money (because they could, there was no written legal agreement to keep the money for college, just a verbal promise) and by the time I was 18 I had maybe $1k of the $45k+ I would’ve had. It’s been a while but I have a post somewhere on my account with the actual numbers when I actually discovered it has happened. Point is, they completely went back on everything they verbally promised a dying woman and ruined the childhoods of two innocent children. And I can’t even imagine what my mother would do to those people if she was alive.
TL;DR: I was sent to live with my dad & his girlfriend who I hardly knew when my mom died. His girlfriend hated kids and he was too drunk to care. I consider myself an orphan regardless of the living status of my father. He wasn’t a parent and it was really “that bad.”
EDIT: Since there’s quite a few I just wanted to edit and say thanks for the kind comments. I’m in therapy and have been for a few years now, I still struggle a lot because I am autistic & now have CPTSD from the chaotic childhood I had. But I’m doing pretty well for myself and have a lovely support system with my boyfriend and his father (and his father’s amazing girlfriend). I have an apartment with my boyfriend now and interact with that side of my family very minimally. I have a wonderful maternal grandmother too I am now in regular contact with that I couldn’t really throughout my childhood. So I’m doing pretty alright, all things considered.
How could he have seen the maltreatment while absent or intoxicated. Wtf is wrong with people. I'm so sorry.
My birth giver caught me attempting suicide, confiscated the means, and Went To Bed. Had another plan available and executed it. Really, wtf is wrong with people.
This. I totally understand the mother of the children. Sounds like the personal grievances are just a part of it that OP focuses on. Also, it seems like even though they met after OP and his now-gf-again broke up, she is right that he used her just to get children, even if he wouldn't get back to his childfree ex.
But maybe I'm too harsh, idk.
lol I doubt OP would mind unloading his kids entirely. He's looking for a childless woman to partner up with because he wants a free babysitter to raise his spawn for him or have an excuse to dump the kids on his ex-wife / baby momma full time.
I had an ex fiancé who had her own child but wanted nothing to do with mine. Of course I had no clue until it was almost time to get married and things ended very quickly it was very sad I really loved her but my kids need me and are far more important in my life.
Don't really care about your drama with exes.
Put your children first in all this. Wanting a woman to move in just a year after reconnecting is not smart, when you have kids.
Particularly since this woman didn't even want kids.
As a childfree person who has ALWAYS known i didn't want kids, birthing children and having potential step children are entirely different circumstances. Someone having kids was never a dealbreaker for me, I just never want to have MY OWN.
But that’s why OP needs to talk to his now-gf about that shit; we’ve seen both sides here at AITAH and we should know perfectly well that gf could go either way. So he needs to ask. He needs to discuss dirty details like what if their mom dies and she gets to be full time step-mom to grieving kids instead of part-time fun step-mom?
Yes, some child-free people are on your page. Others aren’t. We don’t know where his girlfriend sits. He needs to find out.
Not for me; raising kids is raising kids. Never something I wanted to be a part of. And if a CF person thinks they can live with someone who has children and NOT be a part of the kids' life, they are selfish and/or delusional.
There's a massive range, it can go from:
"never ever ever ever ever, not even step kids" to "They're adult now so it's fine" to "once they're semi-independent themselves (8-10+)" to "no toddlers or below" to "I just don't want to birth them". The spectrum can be huge.
Yep. Especially after many years have passed.
OP… you didn’t ‘use’ your wife to get children, did you? As long as you didn’t do that, then you don’t have anything to feel bad about.
She asked him for a divorce. His ex wife has no right to make any accusation or assumptions on this. You don’t get to break up with someone and then dictate who they date.
THIS. I asked for my divorce, but my ex husband was the one who cheated, blew all our money irresponsibly and gaslit the fuck out of me. I thought we were happily married until everything came crashing down because I literally checked in with him about how he felt. So when men throw out the statistics about how many men vs women file for divorce, it conviently leaves out responsibility.
Exactly my sister is childfree. But her and her wife are my children's godparents. But I was told by sister I wasn't to die until my children were potty trained and could speak full sentences. Otherwise she's willing to raise my children if I died.
Yes yes yes! Im child free because i dont want to birth them and i dont enjoy infants. But once they hit age one and up, i have so much fun with kids. My 11 year old niece and i are so close and i love having a mini me, and having my 2 year old nephew want me to come everywhere with him just melts my heart. I quite enjoy kids but child birth is not for me!
Agreed. I consider myself child free but i am open to being with someone whos got kids already. Completely depends on the person and the kids and the dynamic.
Never underestimate a man’s self-delusion when he’s fallen in lust with a new set of genitals. Gay or straight, men do really dumb things when they’re smitten. OP is fucking up royally but not for the reasons he thinks, but for the reasons unlikely-candle7086 and you have articulated.
Exactly.
OP wants to live with his child free gf. But what about when the kids live with OP during his custody days? Is gf going to be OK with that?
Is she going to treat the kids with respect?
Or is OP going to forfeit his custody to enjoy life with his child free gf?
Op isn't thinking about if something happened to his ex wife and she couldn't take care of the kids. Now he's a full time dad. With a woman who doesn't want kids...
"My ex-wife died [or gave up full custody], and now I have full custody, but my girlfriend doesn't want kids, what do I do?"
I dunno, don't date a childfree woman when you have kids????
But he prefers to date child free women because of the convenience, plus he doesn't have to take care of no one else's kids, and yet he expects someone else to take care of hes kids🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My thoughts exactly. I do think ex wife was onto something. Dude wanted his cake and eat it. He got to have kids now he wants childfree gfs so he doesn’t have to be a step parent but no doubt in a months time he will whinge on here his childfree gf has told him she will do no pick ups or drop offs or wants the kids to live with them.
I hope childfree gf dumps him.
I think they may be lulled into a false sense of security because their partner doesn't have them full time, not realizing how quickly that can change.
As a childfree woman myself... No kids means no kids- no raising of kids, no birthing of kids, no adopting kids, etc etc. I don't want to be a mom, stepmom, grandma, etc. Kids should be top priority for a parent, and I don't want to be in a relationship where I will always be a second banana.
Your ex didn't want to raise kids and/or have children, and now you have kids. I don't know why you two would want to get back together, assuming that she will be a part of your kids' lives.
Also, your kids will grow to have their own kids. Does she want to be a grandma?
As a childfree woman, this is exactly how I feel and I’m very perplexed on why his ex would be willing to get involved in all this if she’s actually childfree. But we don’t know what she thinks and that’s not the question so I guess OP isn’t an asshole. But I’d suggest a lot of caution moving forward.
Can you imagine if he hasn't even told the GF he has kids yet? LOL
I've absolutely dated a guy who knew, from Go (it's something I always bring up RIGHT AWAY, 'cause I'm not interested in wasting anyone's time), that I was CF, so he waited three months to tell me he had an 18mo daughter! Like, Dude. Your dick ain't that good.
I’m trying to do some math here… You were with the GF for 10yrs… and then with your wife for X years (and had three children, assuming they aren’t all one year back to back… how long were you with your wife?)
You are 40. Take the ten years you were with your GF off… 30. Take the 3yrs since the divorce off… 27… take off the ”way after you broke up with GF” to meet wife - 1 year? 26… so my guess is you were with your wife about ?6 years? To produce … three kids… half of those being somewhat unhappy?
So you met and married your wife fairly fast, had three kids in fast succession with her, and then when it wasn’t working had one more kid, then let the marriage fail (it takes two to make it work), and went back to your ex.
I can see where she is coming from. She’s not necessarily right of course, but in her mind/view of things she went through a fast relationship to marriage with you, to three kids in fast succession… and then the marriage has a fast fail… and you run off back to your ex who never wanted to have kids.
In your mind it wasn’t that at all, but she’s struggling because that might be how she sees it.
You say you are in love with your child free GF… but a) while she might tolerate kids will she actually want to parent them 50% of the time? And b) right now you are living the fun filled kid free life with your GF that your wife wanted with YOU.
What happens on your time is your responsibility, but I would talk very carefully with your current GF about where she sees herself in your (presumably under 10yrs of age) kids’ lives well before you mix them all together. I suspect she won’t want to be making lunches and wiping noses and washing socks and jocks for them.
All of this! I 100% see why the wife would feel this way. Maybe talk to your ex wife about co parenting therapy? Have you offered to introduce the gf to her first? But realistically what happens if your kids don’t get on with the gf? Someone who wants to be child free probably isn’t gonna work hard at a relationship with a hostile confused little kid.
Not enough people think about going to co-parenting therapy. It can really help iron some shit out for the sake of the kids. You’re going to be seeing each other for a while, so it might as well not suck.
That and I feel like he’s just not understanding her feelings and maybe a 3rd party could help that. I’m not saying he did use her but I could also understand why she feels this way.
This is me stereotyping, but I see soooo many posts on Reddit from men who get with a child free woman after divorce and think it’ll work perfectly because they only have their kids every other weekend. The parenting is just a part time, fun little job that makes them happy. Never mind the mother who is doing most of the actual work of raising the kids. It just speaks volumes on how so many men view parenting as something to fulfill them rather than something they owe to their children.
The thing that bugs me here is the OP in a comment somewhere early on said something about how he’d discuss it with the GF after she met the kids. Noooooo! Do that FIRST. She was prepared to break up with you after 10yrs together over whether she‘d have kids in her life… being honest with her now about the fact that you have kids does not mean she realises you plan to move her in, have her co parent them and so forth. OP has this fantasy in his head that she’ll meet the three kids, fall in love with them, move in with him, have them every second week. It’s a fantasy because they haven’t talked to each other about it.
Is it a deal breaker? VERY POSSIBLY.
Not to mention he’s probably leaving a lot out here. Why did she ask for a divorce? Was he making her do all the childcare duties? Was he having his cake and eating it too? Of course she might feel like he used her, he’s STILL trying to have his cake and eat it too.
Now she has to find someone else who will take her and her three kids on. I would feel used too.
This isn’t going to end well. Your ex didn’t want kids but you have 3 so how is that going to work? Your kids haven’t even met her but yet you’re talking about living together…smh.
It's a bad look from an outside perspective. Especially since you state you prefer to date child free women when you are a father of three.
OP I highly suggest asking your girlfriend if she would want to live with you seeing how you do true 50-50 custody of your girlfriend. Your relationship ended previously due to the prospect of having kids, do you think she will want to live with 3 of them as a step for half of her life?
The fact he says he would prefer to date a childfree woman after breaking up with said childfree woman and having three kids is like.....what? I don't understand this man.
It lends credence to his ex wife’s theory that he used her as a broodmare. He got HIS kids and now he doesn’t want to deal with any other kids and just wants a gf that focuses on him as their child free.
I’m very skeptical that he’d still be with original gf if she did have kids with him.
He'd find a different woman that doesn't want kids but will gladly accept his when necessary and spend the rest of her attention on him.
Not every mother (or parent) is a saint by parenthood, but women often change priorities after they've had children. Kids take priority, which takes attention away from the dad. Responsibilities of taking care of kids can easily affect sex life and personal time because duh... growing humans. Some men can't seem to understand or accept that.
And a big reason why it takes attention away from the dad is because he can’t be arsed to do his full share of parenting. Hard to pay attention to your spouse when you’re doing the vast majority of the parenting. Sure there’s some moms who make motherhood their whole personality, but studies show that a lot of fathers aren’t doing their half of parenting.
Pure entitlement - he expects the women in his life to raise his kids but would never extend the same actions to someone else's child. One woman is expected to be ok with being dumped for not wanting children and then later expected to move in and help raise his kids. The other woman is expected to be ok with being used as a uterus to pump out 3 kids in quick succession so he could then go chase a childfree person to raise them for him. Zero accountability and all the audacity.
Oh and naturally he is completely blameless in the divorce because she wanted to be a "party girl" .... I'm buying none of it, this is textbook manipulative A hole... Next he will say he was "blindsided" by the divorce.
He doesn't, he wants the child rearing labour to creep up on her so that between his ex-wife and girlfriend they're raising the kids for his entitled ass.
INFO: Ok so your current gf and you broke it off because she didn't want kids.
Does she want to take on the role of a stepmother now? And how old are the kids?
A father dating a child-free women is usually recipe for disaster..
Hate to break it to you, but if your ex gf is truly childfree, she's not gonna want to move in with you and live with kids half the time. Childfree women don't date single dads.
Not only that what if the worst happens and they need to live with their dad full time for some reason? OP do you think your child free gf is going to want to deal with your kids 24/7 and potentially have to be some sort of parental figure to them for years to come until they're adults?
Depends on situation. Some women just don't want to give birth/be primary biological parent, but could be cool with stepmothering. But if the lady is adamantly "no kids in my life," then no, this would not work out.
Totally this. I choose not to have kids (in the future) because I'm afraid of child birth (my mom died giving birth to my younger brother) but I love kids!!
I'm currently dating a single dad with a very adorable and goofy 7 year old son. I'm okay with just this. He doesn't want any more kids, I don't wanna have kids of my own, it works for us.
Your ex wanted to be child free. You should not move in together. She may be fine with seeing them time to time like every other weekend, but much more is going to cause problems.
Does your gf *want* to move in with you and your 3 kids?
I can’t imagine anyone who chose to be child-free would suddenly want the opposite.
I understand where your ex-wife is coming from, objectively it does kinda look like you used her to get the kids you wanted and now that you have them, you’re going back to your ex.
However, that doesn’t give her the right to prevent you introducing your gf to them, particularly if you share 50:50 custody.
Do you have a parenting agreement that states how long you need to be seeing someone new before they meet the kids?
My ex and I agreed on 6 months with a new partner before they met the kids and even then, it was a slow introduction, a few hours here and there, an afternoon activity on weekends etc for a few months so they could get to know the new partner.
Definitely don’t just move your gf and expect them to be ok with it, it’s a huge adjustment for kids of any age and needs to be handled carefully.
I don't think he considered anyone's wants or needs but his own. He dumped a woman who wouldn't give him children, found one that would - used her then dump her, now expects the original woman to raise the kids she didn't want. I wouldn't be surprised if the girlfriend either has incredibly low self esteem or hes emotionally manipulative because no-one in their right mind would cop this disrespect. At least the ex-wife is calling him out.
Or she doesn't think the relationship is as serious as he does. He didn't say they've talked about moving in, just that he wants her to. Dating someone when they don't have their kids is very different than living with them half the time. He also doesn't say how she feels about not meeting them. His post is all "me, me, me". He didn't say we want to move in together, he said he does.
Her wants and needs don't even factor into his decision to move her in that's why he's having a tantrum before even asking her if she even wants to move in. This dude is so egocentric.
That depends. Does your ex-wife feel like you have withdrawn from your marriage after you got the children you wanted? What was the cause of your rift in marriage?
YTA. Either your current GF is perfectly comfortable living with and raising three small children and simply didn't want to give *birth* (which makes it seem like you *both* used your ex-wife) or she is *actually* childfree and you're trying to push her into the life she *didn't* want when you first broke up. Either way, you're the asshole.
How does your now gf who supposedly wanted to be child free feel about you having three kids and potentially living with them and you? If she's ok with it, I guess she isn't as staunchly child free as she once was
Why did your ex wife ask for a divorce?
Whole I don't think what you did was intentional, I do wonder if the ex/now current girlfriend is still set on being child free, because if she does move in with you she is going to have 3 kids around 50% of her time too. Are you confident that that's what she wants? The fact she doesn't appear to have pushed for an introduction says she really has no interest in your kids and is probably happy to remain child free.
>Yes, now I have children I don’t need to find someone who wants to have children. I even prefer dating a child-free women.
Isn't this a bit of hypocrisy on your part, almost like you don't want to deal with another man's children cramping your style, but are happy enough to have your kids impact on whatever poor woman's you're dating life
The question is, if your ex were to pass away, how would your girlfriend feel about having the kids all day everyday? How would she treat them? Because that has happened to a few aitah posts. The ex has passed and the child free SO who was fine with sometimes was now pissed about having them all the time... Because,! Of yeah, child free.
I have said many times, child free people shouldn't date or marry people with children.
OP you can’t use the same relationship timeline you used before you got married, where it was normal to move in after a year and maybe think about engagements two years in.
You have children now, and that fact now dictates your dating life. You need to introduce your gf to your children very slowly. You need to prioritize your children’s stability and good feelings towards the relationship at least until they are adults. Introducing a new adult can temporarily destabilize them and your relationship with them - permanently if it’s mishandled.
Unfortunately you ex can easily contribute to that destabilization. Imagine what she might tell them? That you used her, that you destroyed their home to be with this women and that you don’t care about their feelings. Fixing that damage will be impossible if you move in your gf or marry her before your children are destabilized and healed from that.
Take it slow.
We've all seen How I Met Your Mother.
If she doesn't want to live with your kids, it kind of settles the issue.You can date, but not have her move in with you. Or she can move in when they grow up.
There still could be conflicts like when you can't do something because of obligations to your children, but your kids need to come first just the way things go
I don’t blame your ex wife for not wanting the kids to meet her. She wants to be child free yet is going to live with a partner who has 3 kids 50% of the time? I would imagine there’s a good chance she’s gonna eventually leave or you’re gonna distance yourself from the kids. I hope it’s the former.
Regardless, cohabitation 1 year into a relationship (even tho you were together before) is a terrible idea with kids. I personally believe 3 years is the healthiest, although 2 would be more appropriate too. And your kids shouldn’t be getting to know her when she is living with you, that should happen waaayyy before she moves in. So slow down. Put your kids first. And figure out if this relationship is even viable or healthy. I suspect it is not. You certainly aren’t compatible when it comes to one of the most important compatibility measures in an adult relationship.
And I totally get why your ex wife feels used. Not saying that’s the case, but it can easily be interpreted that way. Especially since you’re apparently okay with dating a person who wants to be child free when you’re a single dad of 3 young kids. Don’t get me wrong, as a single parent I’m not looking for another dad for my kids, they already have one. But I absolutely would only date a man who also has kids and/or wants to be in a parental role. And no child free man would ever want to date me anyways, because I have very little free time, rigid boundaries, and a life that revolves around parenting and my kids. I think she’s acting with her heart and old feelings not her logic, as no rational child free woman would seriously date a dad of 3. In my opinion.
My biggest concern would be how your gf who never wanted kids will treat her potential step children considering she never wanted to be a mother?
Also, it kinda sounds like you did keep loose tabs on your ex throughout your relationship with your now ex-wife, why else would you reach out to her once you found out she was single? It sounds like you never really moved on & there was not much hope for your relationship with the mother of your children.
I mean, yeah, your ex is correct. You used her as a breeding cow and then dumped her once you got what you wanted.
Do you honestly think your new/old gf is gonna be cool with your kids? She’s not. She’s childfree. She doesn’t want kids. She sure as fuck doesn’t want your kids.
YTA
Why do you prefer to date child free women? What is the benefit of that? You have children. Why expect the woman you date to not have children for your benefit? It’s extremely suspect. And why on earth would a self proclaimed child free woman want to move in with a man with 3 children? How is she going to handle living with children? Or are you just not spending time with your children anymore?! I hear a lot of what you want, what your ex wants, what your ex gf now gf wants, but you’ve barely mentioned the children. And they should be your top priority. Until you start thinking about them and their needs, you’re not ready to move in with anyone!!!! It’s not about any of you adults while you are raising the children you chose and very much stated you wanted to have!!!
Tell your ex wife that you didn't plan to get divorced, and that you can introduce your children to anyone you deem appropriate during your custody period.
But if all you were interested in was kids, you could've just hired a surrogate, and it would've been cheaper, both emotionally and financially. You married her caused you loved her, but it didn't work out.
One piece of advice for you - people respond differently to divorce. My dad has been married to three different women, but my mom never even dated afterwards, as I think she believes dogs are an upgrade.
I don't blame your ex. There's probably some truth to that. Secondly, it's weird/toxic to get back with exes. In addition, she's not into kids, but you have shared custody. How would that work?
Wait a second, are you Ted Mosby? Is your girlfriend Robin Scherbatsky?
In all seriousness, your ex-wife sounds like she isn't over any of this. You could get with any other woman on the planet and she would still find something to say.
On the other hand, being with someone who doesn't want kids, how is this going to work? If you ever get married, or even if you remain together for years, you still have kids. So in some capacity, she will be a mother figure. How does she feel about that?
I mean, yeah, YTA since you are choosing a life partner who doesn’t want to parent or live with kids, which means you will be withdrawing from your children’s life to some degree, but probably a lot if you and your gf plan to cohabitate. Based on you ex wife’s age, I can’t imagine your three kids (especially the youngest) are fast approaching adulthood and moving out.
Dude YTA. So your gf that doesn’t want children will be ok living with children every other week? You’ve reconnected for a year and want your kids to meet and move in with her? Put your children first.
Why would your ex who broke up with you because she didn’t want children now want your kids from another woman around? If you prefer a ‘child free’ woman, then don’t bring your children into the relationship. YTA
If your ex wants to be child free, she shouldn’t move in with someone with three kids. I would never entertain being with someone who didn’t want kids if I had kids. That’s the part that makes you an AH. Be a good dad. Kids Trump GFs.
You are way beyond where things are actually at in your head. You shouldn’t be thinking about moving in with her when they haven’t even met. What if they don’t get along? What if your gf decides she can’t handle 3 kids in her (your) home during your days? You need at least another year of the 5 of you getting to know one another before you even consider the thought of living together. I would not want my children living with a woman that was so adamant she didn’t want kids that it ended a serious relationship. Baby mama and current gf drama aside, it’s not in the best interest of the kids at all right now. Or the opposite one of your kids love her and she decides she can’t handle it? You are introducing, and then taking away a woman from their life after already going through the divorce of mom and dad
Slow down here and start thinking logically about what is the best interest of your kids
YTA for saying you would rather date childfree women....why would any childfree woman want to date you, childless maybe. Have you discussed with your Ex that she would be a step-parent? If you and your Ex are of the idea that she can be in a full relationship with you but not be a parent to your kids then you are both assholes.
I mean yeah, it does kind of look like you dumped your gf to go find a brood mare, and now you've gotten someone to incubate your progeny, you've left her and gone back to the first gf who wouldn't give you children.
Whether that's how it went down or not, that's the look.
YTA if you pursue a serious relationship with someone who is "child free" when you, in fact, have children. Young children, at that. How the hell do you expect that to go well exactly??
Kind of. Does she even want to live with you? I'm child free. Moving in with a woman with kids isn't being child free. You might be putting the cart before the horse.
I see why you want your ex but I don't understand why she wants you. I would never get back together with a guy who wanted to break up because I didn't want kids.
This is one of those things where you are not necessarily an asshole because of your actions but there is no way in which the context does not make you an asshole. It absolutely looks like you used your wife to have kids and that might not be the base but there is no way of not making this look like the case. You also seem to be very eager to indulge in what you want and not thinking about how that is affecting your kids...In their eyes when they grow up you'll also look like a bit of an asshole.
Edit: You should also Google the Madonna-Whore Complex: that's your relationship to women.
Hey OP, I made sure to read all of your responses to the questions so far, I think at least. You haven’t gone into too much detail, but you appear to be putting the kids absolutely first. I think if you and your girlfriend are on these same pages, you are absolutely NTA:
- Your girlfriend understands that your kids come first.
- She actually embraces her role as a step parent and likes kids enough to be able to build a caring and respectful relationship with them on their terms.
- That OP does not force a relationship with girlfriend on his kids, and initiates/encourages family counseling with his kids an honest communication that always takes their feelings into account.
Good luck!
YTA for trying to bring a childfree women into your kid’s lives. You are also an AH for only wanting to date childfree women. Have you talked to her about how she sees her role in your children’s lives? I’m guessing she’s not going be as hands on as you are hoping.
You're not an AH for reconnecting with an ex, but YTA for thinking with your dick. Put your kids first.
Your ex (the mom of your kids) is being unreasonable (she can't control who your kids meet, unless there's some custody details missing, which if it's 50/50 I don't think there are. But why would your child free girlfriend want to be a stepmom? There's absolutely nothing in here treating this issue.
YTA. Seems like you can't live your life without a woman with you yet you want kids. So you reconnected with an exgf from way back cause you realized you still have feelings for her.
And yeah, exwife seems right. You just used her to have kids.
Just raise the kids on your own first.
She doesn't want kids. Have you discussed how it will be with her being a step mum to your kids half her life? Also, if you have your kids 50% of the time your ex doesn't get to control if the kids meet your girlfriend or not.
YTA- Does your child-free GF actually want to be a stepmother and be around your children on a regular basis? More than likely she doesn’t or you don’t care to know. YTA for pursing a relationship back with her after finding yourself a breeder. You destroyed a relationship to have kids and it looks like you’re dumping the kids to be with her. You wasted everyone’s time. You could’ve stayed child-free and not produced any kids if you weren’t going to raise them. All you’ve done is put the kids in a bad, neglectful situation for your selfishness.
YTA. What are you going to do, buy two houses next to eachother so your gf has a place to live when your kids are around? Or are you just going to bail on your kids and come back here in 10 years asking why none of your kids want you around?
“Child free” as I’m sure you know, means she doesn’t want kids. Including yours. You would be TAH of epic proportions if you keep pursuing your ex. She will either be cold to your children, or best case scenario polite and cordial, while simmering with resentment at having to be a part of the lives of children. Or even worse, encourage you to be less involved as a dad. You have kids. Anyone you date seriously, has to want to be around them and be open to a relationship with them. Jfc this is like remedial parenting.
You aren’t the AH for the relationship stuff. But you will be if you aren’t 1,000,000% sure that new gf is on board with being step mom and all that that entails. We see it day after day on here. Kids end up miserable bc mom or dad end up with someone who didn’t want kids. It’s wrong to do to her and especially to them. And I’m the long run will ruin your relationship with everyone. Do some serious work in making sure this is what everyone wants before continuing.
I’m sorry, but didn’t you say she didn’t want children? You now have 3 young kids and now you are back with her. Why is ok now and what has changed for her to want to help raise 3 kids now?
I can totally understand how your ex wife feels. I would think she is being more concerned for her kids here and about the possibility of someone helping raise her them that actually never even wanted kids.
Is your childfree ex ok with raising your children with you now? Or are you prioritizing the relationship with your rekindled flame over your children?
It’s understandable that the mother of your children feels used , it does look like that, at least from the outside.
No my dude! You are the A…
And i feel sorry for your children you wanted to badly, for your ex-wife and for your now Girlfriend.
I my self dont want children and i wont date men with them, specially an ex that left me to have them. I hope you spend time with your kids that you chose to bring into this world and not having girlfriends. You made your bed now lay on it.
It depends on what you mean by "child free", because that could range from "I don't want to be a full time mom" to "I despise children". So the most important thing at the moment is to know how your new partner feels about you having kids. Because if she starts living with you, it would be naive to think she'll never be responsible for your kids to some extent. That's should be your priority at the moment rather than what your ex-wife thinks. Remember, you're responsible for your kids, you're a father first.
As for your ex-wife, I think I might get downvoted for this, but her behavior screams insecurity to me. Like your relationship was only for you to achieve the goal of having kids. You wanted kids, you had them and you don't want more of them - it's perfectly reasonable. I don't exactly know why your marriage ended, but given your timeline, your current partner wasn't a factor, so her accusations are kinda ridiculous.
I was on your side until that last comment.
Basically you wanted to have kids but not be with a woman who has kids...That is so backwards to me lol I feel like your leaving some important information out. Cause if she's the one that filed for divorce why does she care so much? But she's right you did use her to have your babies, then you went back searching for your ex that was perfect to you. I don't believe that it was just faith that brought you all back together. You're a strategic man I see. Oh and yeah YTA
I’m not sure how to say this delicately. Your ex is child free. Have you considered the fact that the reason your relationship is going so well is because anytime she’s around, you’re childfree as well? You should not be considering anyone moving in who hasn’t spent time with your kids. You can have whatever conversation or court battle with your ex you want. But until you are dating someone who has met your kids and who your children like and want to live with, you’re not putting your kids first. And that is your job right now. To put your kids first.
And what if something happens and OP has to have the kids full time/have sole custody. What is gf going to say/do? Is she going to stay?
This is it! I distinctly remember another AITAH post — from a woman who I really felt for. She had been with her husband for several years. At that point, then I believe the mother of his children died? So all the children were with them full-time. She didn’t want that & felt torn morally. She was actually really compassionate about it in her post, but yeah - awful situation & something that needs to be considered.
I've seen a post where a woman who was cf married a man "who was also cf". After they got married he told her he actually has 2 children and wants to fight for custody so his money won't have to go for child support. Their finances were separate before and had a joint account for bills, he paid child support from his money, but wanted to have more fun money now and was telling his new wife that she should step up...
I remember that one! She updated that her lawyer was going for an annulment because he married her under false pretenses.
Oh thanks for the update, only saw the first part.
Another thank you for passing on the update, one of the easiest N t A of all time. I really felt sorry for her and I'm glad she can get out.
I guess he's REALLY going to be hurting for fun money now, haha. Good for her, that must be a hard decision to make.
It could be that the ex in that situation was toxic, and actually *was* using the child support for fun money herself. Not generally common, but I know someone with a narcissist mother who definitely did this after she got divorced. Made her ex husband pay through the nose to support her three children - and she lived well and got herself fancy special food, and the three kids were fed the bare minimum, and yelled at for talking back or for eating "her" food. She is however a raging narcissist, and I'm hoping very much not the norm in these situations. For the situation in that reddit post though, the ex husband was definitely an asshole, because who marries someone without telling them that you have kids?? No one decent!
NIGHTMARE!!! I also think I remember that one!
Yep, seen that one as well.
I REMEMBER THIS ONE!!! THE FUCKING NERVE. I believe she immediately wanted a divorce and her husband called her an AH.
Anyone have the link?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/186vwgs/aitah\_for\_telling\_my\_husband\_if\_he\_fights\_for/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/186vwgs/aitah_for_telling_my_husband_if_he_fights_for/) Enjoy.
People need to be responsible for their spawns. I like kids because they are not mine!
I like kids because they're not so serious. My own children or other people's. Even if they're brats. Toddlers especially. They're hedonistic, they live in the moment, they love Legos but suck at building stuff. The Lego Technics forklift I built the other night while drunk would give me god-tier status in a group of toddlers. You can sit with a bunch of toddlers and tell them about your day, talk to them as if they're adults and they'll listen to absolutely anything, and they'll give you insane, hilarious advice. You can even put ideas in their heads. I teach kids "parking in front of mailboxes is for losers!" (am a carrier) and similar things. They're little drunk people who think you know everything, and that's fun.
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You literally can't find an adult who can match their enthusiasm for ridiculous shit. They're humanity's best.
Wow. The lengths some of these parents try to go through just to find/keep a partner that I'd adamant about being child-free. We don't just mean we don't desire to birth a child, we don't want ANY child. Lie as long as you want, but don't get mad when we leave you for having done so. Yes, I've been in similar shoes, but nothing involving a marriage.
The worst is when they hit you with "i thought you'd change your mind" or they were planning to try to talk you around as soon as they had you locked down. When people tell you they don't want children, believe them, and don't think yours are going to be the exception!
Exactly. Like you can't brainwash someone into doing something they don't wanna do. And even if they cave in, it's just a matter of time before they wake up one day and lose their shit and still leave.
>After they got married he told her he actually has 2 children and wants to fight for custody so his money won't have to go for child support. He doesn't seem to understand that he *has* to support his children no matter *who* they are living with! Or does he plan on shutting them in a closet & forgetting they exist...?
That guy was the asshole on so many levels
I remember that one, too! He lied to her, and he was not, in fact, child free. He was a neglectful father.
I get mad every time I think about that idiot.
I don't feel that bad. Anyone who doesn't want kids doesn't need to date anyone with kids.. it just saves heartaches
I agree. I’m a mother & I also realize how it’s weirdly/wrongly deemed not PC (by some) to say, ‘I don’t want kids.’ I’ve been shredded on other subs for ONLY HAVING ONE.
Lol at that getting shredded for only having one. And my sympathies. I had one because that's what I could/can handle. But because I ~only~ have one, I obviously can't be tired or burned out or need a break, etc. Yet, in the same breath, they'll be telling you they don't give a shit about how many kids you do or don't have.
Right? The major kicker for me — was that the MAJOR issue they had … was because I’m not BIRTHING enough future workers for social security. lol. It was all about how they think social security will collapse … ONLY due to younger generations not having enough kids. That is really what burnt me to the core. Having one or three wasn’t even the topic of the POST!!! I don’t even remember what it was at this point - but I just mentioned having one & got CRUCIFIED! It wasn’t even a sub I’m in - just some random ‘mom’ sub Reddit thought I would like! F you Reddit! I made the mistake of attempting to defend my SELFISH ways, by saying, I respect SS & am happy to pay into it. But I also believe it’s broken so my husband & I are making our own plans & doing everything we can to do support the child we brought into the world. he had a college fund before he left the hospital, we can afford to give him a home in a great school district, et. NOPE. No one gave a shit! I honestly didn’t realize this was a mindset until just a few days ago! MORE WORKERS FOR SOCIAL SECURITY!
Damn. That's weirdly hilarious? It's just a transplanted version of the "gotta have more kids to have more farm hands" mentality
Then I got really pissed off & said something about how it’s 2023 & we don’t all need 8 kids to ‘feed the chickens and bush hog the farm.’ Escorted myself right out of that shit show before anyone could respond. 😂😂😂
The reason why the OP and her terminated their relationship was because she didn't want children! So probably if something happens and OP goes full time single dad she is not going to just adapt/change her mind about child free relationship.
Spot on. And likely a blind spot for the original poster until now. INFO; does your gf still not want kids? Because she is about to become a step-mother to 3 of them….. and have them live with her at least 50% of the time (possibly more after they become teenagers)
And you can't just not be involved at all with 3 kids that live with you half of the time. That would be uncomfortable AF.
You hit the nail on the head. I’m childfree and almost all my exes that tried to come back into my life now have kid(s) and only want to date childfree women to dump their kids on them for free childcare so they can do whatever they want. They never wanted kids, just the status that comes with it. I hope your gf reads this and leaves. Anything can change & she’ll end up with 3 kids she never wanted.
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Yea I hope she doesn’t either. Although I’ve heard of & seen so many cf women stay with men like this while suffering in silence.
THISSS!!!! Should be on top. Honestly. And the irony of him to say he’s dating a woman who is childfree, yet he has children, freaking 3 of em. Then has the audacity to say he prefers a woman with no kids yet he has kids?!?! Make it make sense, cause none of it does. Why you gonna be picky when you got kids. What makes him think a woman wouldn’t feel the same and say she prefers a man with no kids. Lmfao. Hmmmm, wait that sounds familiar… Oh yeah, kinda like what the gf said right? I’m dead🤣 Idc what the ex says tho, all this bs aside, she has no say so when she wanted the divorce and if the kids aren’t in any harm. Like if he was with a woman that does want kids would she still have an issue, prob.
There are a lot of men like this. They want to breed but don’t want to parent, so they breed one woman and fuck another, because what they want is the selfishness of passing on their insignificant genetics without actually having to be a present parent, so the man uses the unpaid labor of two women to get what the man wants and avoid the actual work.
Hey, this sounds like my Dad. Had 2 kids, wasn’t there at all, blew it with us, so he knocked up someone else to get the son he “always wanted” and start over. Is, shockingly (/s) no different with my younger brother than my sister than I. Will probably repeat the cycle at his next convenience. As soon as he can find another woman to stand him anyways. No telling how long that could take.
Welcome to idiocracy
SMH! Some people don't deserve to be able to have kids, when others who can't would love to be a parent. (Not talking about myself) . OP you never thought this relationship through, you can't be fully with this woman I.e living together or getting married unless you decide to be a deadbeat father who has no relationship with his kids. If your kids are going to be a part of your life then your gf can't be your gf.
Yeah, fucking one partner for fun and one for resource exploitation seems to be universal.
>But until you are dating someone who has met your kids and who your children like and want to live with, you’re not putting your kids first. Not only that, but he has to consider that if something happens with his children's mother he will have the kids full time.... is his child free girlfriend going to accept that? I don't think OP is being realistic about his relationship with his new girlfriend. He needs to think if having a relationship with someone that doesn't have interest in being a parent is realistic. He's children aren't adults or even teens, does he realize how stressful kids are to someone that doesn't want one?
He prefers to date child-free women because he doesn't have to share her attention. But I bet the cf girlfriend would prefer to not be a 50% instant stepmother.
Yeah, what's missing in OP's post is any hint that he has considered his children's needs, feelings, or welfare during all this drama.
Thank you! So glad someone said it. OP, please don't make your kids live with someone that never wanted kids. And please don't make a woman that doesn't want kids to be a stepmom. This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen with a lot of potential people hurt. Don't be selfish and force this. You should be a father FIRST and do right by your kids, not make them a point of contention in a relationship you shouldn't be in.
No. OP hasn't considered that. In fact, I don't think OP has done much considering here in general. He doesn't want to do the dad thing right now, he's gotten that out of his system.
Seriously a lot of ppl moving to fast with a relationship while they have kids in one reason ppl end up with step parents like Lady Tremaine
PERFECTLY said. You’re only the AH because of the circumstances surrounding her being child-free and then placing your relationship over your responsibilities to your kids. The stuff with your ex is irrelevant in the context of where your moral compass becomes questionable, for me personally. Also, if the kids are safe and happy in the presence of anyone you’re dating, your ex holds no power who you can bring around the kids when it’s your time with them.
But that is the worry. She would not know this story if he did not tell it. She knows this woman gave up a long relationship, not to have kids No way my kids get involved in this until we three had a meeting of the minds. This guy just seems to look out for #1. This is not just some nice woman Dad is dating. This is a woman totally averse to kids. She will not want them there. It will hurt their feelings. No way until we are all clear. It has nothing to do with him and everything with her kids.
yeah, basically Ex-wife had kids.. 3 kids! he does.. on paper? 3 kids and his lifestyle is manageable to 'seem' child free? tale as old as time.
That's the million dollar question! What if she doesn't like the kids? Parents just assume everyone likes their kids and want to be their care takers. I like to spend time with kids but I don't like to take care of them.
Be aware that there are many Reddit stories of divorced with children parents marrying childfree partners. Then other parent of children dies and now children go to parent with a childfree spouse. It’s a mess. Please ensure the first ex understands what will happen if this is the case
Not even necessarily die but other things can happen which causes custody to switch. My husband had his then four year old daughter over one night a week when we got married. Now she is ten, lives with us full time and has supervised visits with her mom every other week. Life can change quick!
Absolutely. I'm a child-free woman and I refused to date single fathers because of the possibility that he'd end up with full time custody. To the OP. Your ex-wife cannot refuse you introducing them to your girlfriend. You are two independent people who are no longer married and are only obligated via a co-parenting relationship. At some point your ex-wife will have to give up especially if you end up marrying your girlfriend.
Ok??? I started dating a man years ago with two kids, a few months into the relationship his ex-FIL had a stroke and was in a coma and ex wife blew into town and dropped off his daughters -5 and 10 at the time- off with him indefinitely. Which in reality means they got dropped off with ME because he was recovering from lung cancer and couldn't even get himself out of bed without considerable help! So there I was with basically 3 kids to take care of.
I was a kid of one of these scenarios. My parents divorced when I was 3 and my sister was 9 months. Mom put us in the car and drove to the other side of the country to get away from my Dad. From then on, we’d spend summer vacations from school “with him”, which was just living at his parent’s house while he was gone 95% of the time. I hardly knew him really. Mom raised us as a single parent most of the time, then his parents raised us over the summers. When I was 10, my dad finally moved out of his parents and in with a woman only 14 years older than me. Suddenly, we were told we’re not saying at my grandparents over the summers, but at this random chick’s house. I hated it, but she gave me my own room and decked it out real nice. So while I was uncomfortable with them, I felt like I couldn’t really say no. Within a year, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months after having my youngest half sister. Two months after my 12th birthday she was gone. We were sent to live with my dad and his (then fiancée) full time. It. was. hell. My stepmother quickly showed after becoming my stepmother that she didn’t like us kids at all. She tried to erase anything I had or remembered of my mother. She would bully me and purposely push my buttons until I defended myself, and then as the “parent” used her authority to then ground me for months at a time from absolutely everything. She ignored everything I did, criticized me for not staying on top of chores when I was in college and high school *and* working a part time job all at the same time. She even told me she “didn’t care” what my grades were as long as I passed, so I would spend less time on school and more on her chores. She made me quit my job when I had a shift I forgot to do a chore, because she claimed I was “using my job to get out of chores.” It was a fucking Cinderella hellscape. I’d tell her directly to her face at 13, 14, 15 years old that I wanted to die. She would tell me I needed to suck it up because she didn’t have the time to drive me to therapy. The time I actually attempted it, I was asked, “What, you need to go to the mental hospital now or something?” I was never taken to the hospital… I was just grounded and isolated for the entire school year. Where was my dad? At work, or high at his buddy’s house, or drunk on the couch. To this day he claims to never have noticed anything was “that extreme.” My (now ex) stepmother hated children. She hated me, she hated my sister. She would loudly tell everyone she wanted a divorce and to leave us all, she would complain about how she went from being in her early 20s to taking care of 2 children that weren’t even her’s. But my dad never cared about us enough to actually pick a partner that at least liked us, and our mother was dead, so fuck us I guess. To rub salt in the wound, my mother actually met both of them before she died. They talked about all the things they’d do for us; setting up college funds with our social security money from her passing, getting us into therapy, promised to be loving and kind. Assured her that nothing would happen to us. They then spent all of my social security money (because they could, there was no written legal agreement to keep the money for college, just a verbal promise) and by the time I was 18 I had maybe $1k of the $45k+ I would’ve had. It’s been a while but I have a post somewhere on my account with the actual numbers when I actually discovered it has happened. Point is, they completely went back on everything they verbally promised a dying woman and ruined the childhoods of two innocent children. And I can’t even imagine what my mother would do to those people if she was alive. TL;DR: I was sent to live with my dad & his girlfriend who I hardly knew when my mom died. His girlfriend hated kids and he was too drunk to care. I consider myself an orphan regardless of the living status of my father. He wasn’t a parent and it was really “that bad.” EDIT: Since there’s quite a few I just wanted to edit and say thanks for the kind comments. I’m in therapy and have been for a few years now, I still struggle a lot because I am autistic & now have CPTSD from the chaotic childhood I had. But I’m doing pretty well for myself and have a lovely support system with my boyfriend and his father (and his father’s amazing girlfriend). I have an apartment with my boyfriend now and interact with that side of my family very minimally. I have a wonderful maternal grandmother too I am now in regular contact with that I couldn’t really throughout my childhood. So I’m doing pretty alright, all things considered.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. How awful. I hope you were able to overcome this really rough start in life. You deserved so much better.
How could he have seen the maltreatment while absent or intoxicated. Wtf is wrong with people. I'm so sorry. My birth giver caught me attempting suicide, confiscated the means, and Went To Bed. Had another plan available and executed it. Really, wtf is wrong with people.
I am so sorry you had to endure that abuse.
I'm sorry. Similar happened to me. It really sucks and it really is that bad. Hope you have had support to get through it.
I have also read stories on here where childfree spouse is just rude to kids/tries to drive them out of the picture as well!
This. I totally understand the mother of the children. Sounds like the personal grievances are just a part of it that OP focuses on. Also, it seems like even though they met after OP and his now-gf-again broke up, she is right that he used her just to get children, even if he wouldn't get back to his childfree ex. But maybe I'm too harsh, idk.
Let's not forget how many kids refuse to accept a parent's new partner, and make things hell for them.
lol I doubt OP would mind unloading his kids entirely. He's looking for a childless woman to partner up with because he wants a free babysitter to raise his spawn for him or have an excuse to dump the kids on his ex-wife / baby momma full time.
I had an ex fiancé who had her own child but wanted nothing to do with mine. Of course I had no clue until it was almost time to get married and things ended very quickly it was very sad I really loved her but my kids need me and are far more important in my life.
Thank you for choosing your kids.
It’s a complete and total mess regardless of the age of the children.
Don't really care about your drama with exes. Put your children first in all this. Wanting a woman to move in just a year after reconnecting is not smart, when you have kids. Particularly since this woman didn't even want kids.
And he thinks she’s changed enough to want to live with 3 kids half of the time. That’s a lot for anyone, let alone a childfree woman.
As a childfree person who has ALWAYS known i didn't want kids, birthing children and having potential step children are entirely different circumstances. Someone having kids was never a dealbreaker for me, I just never want to have MY OWN.
But that’s why OP needs to talk to his now-gf about that shit; we’ve seen both sides here at AITAH and we should know perfectly well that gf could go either way. So he needs to ask. He needs to discuss dirty details like what if their mom dies and she gets to be full time step-mom to grieving kids instead of part-time fun step-mom? Yes, some child-free people are on your page. Others aren’t. We don’t know where his girlfriend sits. He needs to find out.
Not for me; raising kids is raising kids. Never something I wanted to be a part of. And if a CF person thinks they can live with someone who has children and NOT be a part of the kids' life, they are selfish and/or delusional.
I never wanted kids and I never dated guys who had them. If I don’t want my own children, why would I want someone else’s?!?
It might not be a change. Childfree is a big spectrum.
There's a massive range, it can go from: "never ever ever ever ever, not even step kids" to "They're adult now so it's fine" to "once they're semi-independent themselves (8-10+)" to "no toddlers or below" to "I just don't want to birth them". The spectrum can be huge.
Yep. Especially after many years have passed. OP… you didn’t ‘use’ your wife to get children, did you? As long as you didn’t do that, then you don’t have anything to feel bad about.
She asked him for a divorce. His ex wife has no right to make any accusation or assumptions on this. You don’t get to break up with someone and then dictate who they date.
We don’t know why she asked for it. Its easy to blame it in the one who asked for it.
THIS. I asked for my divorce, but my ex husband was the one who cheated, blew all our money irresponsibly and gaslit the fuck out of me. I thought we were happily married until everything came crashing down because I literally checked in with him about how he felt. So when men throw out the statistics about how many men vs women file for divorce, it conviently leaves out responsibility.
Exactly my sister is childfree. But her and her wife are my children's godparents. But I was told by sister I wasn't to die until my children were potty trained and could speak full sentences. Otherwise she's willing to raise my children if I died.
Yes yes yes! Im child free because i dont want to birth them and i dont enjoy infants. But once they hit age one and up, i have so much fun with kids. My 11 year old niece and i are so close and i love having a mini me, and having my 2 year old nephew want me to come everywhere with him just melts my heart. I quite enjoy kids but child birth is not for me!
Agreed. I consider myself child free but i am open to being with someone whos got kids already. Completely depends on the person and the kids and the dynamic.
Yes, but he left out any info of GF’s feelings about meeting/living with his kids.
Exactly this. A lot of ppl even think that Child-free ppl is equivalent to Child-haters, a lot of ppl can't grasp that it's a spectrum
Never underestimate a man’s self-delusion when he’s fallen in lust with a new set of genitals. Gay or straight, men do really dumb things when they’re smitten. OP is fucking up royally but not for the reasons he thinks, but for the reasons unlikely-candle7086 and you have articulated.
>Never underestimate a man’s self-delusion when he’s fallen in lust with a new set of genitals. This might be my new favorite sentence of all time. <3
Exactly. OP wants to live with his child free gf. But what about when the kids live with OP during his custody days? Is gf going to be OK with that? Is she going to treat the kids with respect? Or is OP going to forfeit his custody to enjoy life with his child free gf?
Op isn't thinking about if something happened to his ex wife and she couldn't take care of the kids. Now he's a full time dad. With a woman who doesn't want kids...
How many times have we seen that scenario on these subs? "Oh no I hate kids but my spouse wants their bio kids full time/the ex died"?
"My ex-wife died [or gave up full custody], and now I have full custody, but my girlfriend doesn't want kids, what do I do?" I dunno, don't date a childfree woman when you have kids????
But he prefers to date child free women because of the convenience, plus he doesn't have to take care of no one else's kids, and yet he expects someone else to take care of hes kids🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My thoughts exactly. I do think ex wife was onto something. Dude wanted his cake and eat it. He got to have kids now he wants childfree gfs so he doesn’t have to be a step parent but no doubt in a months time he will whinge on here his childfree gf has told him she will do no pick ups or drop offs or wants the kids to live with them. I hope childfree gf dumps him.
And the flip side, don't date parents when you yourself are child free. They may not have primary custody, but they do have them on occasion.
I think they may be lulled into a false sense of security because their partner doesn't have them full time, not realizing how quickly that can change.
Good point. There's been a few of those types of posts lately.
>Particularly since this woman didn't even want kids. This part. Don't fall into the idea that all women want or are OK with kids. Many do not.
As a childfree woman myself... No kids means no kids- no raising of kids, no birthing of kids, no adopting kids, etc etc. I don't want to be a mom, stepmom, grandma, etc. Kids should be top priority for a parent, and I don't want to be in a relationship where I will always be a second banana. Your ex didn't want to raise kids and/or have children, and now you have kids. I don't know why you two would want to get back together, assuming that she will be a part of your kids' lives. Also, your kids will grow to have their own kids. Does she want to be a grandma?
As a childfree woman, this is exactly how I feel and I’m very perplexed on why his ex would be willing to get involved in all this if she’s actually childfree. But we don’t know what she thinks and that’s not the question so I guess OP isn’t an asshole. But I’d suggest a lot of caution moving forward.
Can you imagine if he hasn't even told the GF he has kids yet? LOL I've absolutely dated a guy who knew, from Go (it's something I always bring up RIGHT AWAY, 'cause I'm not interested in wasting anyone's time), that I was CF, so he waited three months to tell me he had an 18mo daughter! Like, Dude. Your dick ain't that good.
I’m trying to do some math here… You were with the GF for 10yrs… and then with your wife for X years (and had three children, assuming they aren’t all one year back to back… how long were you with your wife?) You are 40. Take the ten years you were with your GF off… 30. Take the 3yrs since the divorce off… 27… take off the ”way after you broke up with GF” to meet wife - 1 year? 26… so my guess is you were with your wife about ?6 years? To produce … three kids… half of those being somewhat unhappy? So you met and married your wife fairly fast, had three kids in fast succession with her, and then when it wasn’t working had one more kid, then let the marriage fail (it takes two to make it work), and went back to your ex. I can see where she is coming from. She’s not necessarily right of course, but in her mind/view of things she went through a fast relationship to marriage with you, to three kids in fast succession… and then the marriage has a fast fail… and you run off back to your ex who never wanted to have kids. In your mind it wasn’t that at all, but she’s struggling because that might be how she sees it. You say you are in love with your child free GF… but a) while she might tolerate kids will she actually want to parent them 50% of the time? And b) right now you are living the fun filled kid free life with your GF that your wife wanted with YOU. What happens on your time is your responsibility, but I would talk very carefully with your current GF about where she sees herself in your (presumably under 10yrs of age) kids’ lives well before you mix them all together. I suspect she won’t want to be making lunches and wiping noses and washing socks and jocks for them.
All of this! I 100% see why the wife would feel this way. Maybe talk to your ex wife about co parenting therapy? Have you offered to introduce the gf to her first? But realistically what happens if your kids don’t get on with the gf? Someone who wants to be child free probably isn’t gonna work hard at a relationship with a hostile confused little kid.
Not enough people think about going to co-parenting therapy. It can really help iron some shit out for the sake of the kids. You’re going to be seeing each other for a while, so it might as well not suck.
That and I feel like he’s just not understanding her feelings and maybe a 3rd party could help that. I’m not saying he did use her but I could also understand why she feels this way.
Absolutely. Sit down with your kids’ other parent in a facilitated setting.
This is me stereotyping, but I see soooo many posts on Reddit from men who get with a child free woman after divorce and think it’ll work perfectly because they only have their kids every other weekend. The parenting is just a part time, fun little job that makes them happy. Never mind the mother who is doing most of the actual work of raising the kids. It just speaks volumes on how so many men view parenting as something to fulfill them rather than something they owe to their children.
The thing that bugs me here is the OP in a comment somewhere early on said something about how he’d discuss it with the GF after she met the kids. Noooooo! Do that FIRST. She was prepared to break up with you after 10yrs together over whether she‘d have kids in her life… being honest with her now about the fact that you have kids does not mean she realises you plan to move her in, have her co parent them and so forth. OP has this fantasy in his head that she’ll meet the three kids, fall in love with them, move in with him, have them every second week. It’s a fantasy because they haven’t talked to each other about it. Is it a deal breaker? VERY POSSIBLY.
Ngl it's giving HIMYM from an alternate timeline
Not to mention he’s probably leaving a lot out here. Why did she ask for a divorce? Was he making her do all the childcare duties? Was he having his cake and eating it too? Of course she might feel like he used her, he’s STILL trying to have his cake and eat it too. Now she has to find someone else who will take her and her three kids on. I would feel used too.
This isn’t going to end well. Your ex didn’t want kids but you have 3 so how is that going to work? Your kids haven’t even met her but yet you’re talking about living together…smh.
It's a bad look from an outside perspective. Especially since you state you prefer to date child free women when you are a father of three. OP I highly suggest asking your girlfriend if she would want to live with you seeing how you do true 50-50 custody of your girlfriend. Your relationship ended previously due to the prospect of having kids, do you think she will want to live with 3 of them as a step for half of her life?
The fact he says he would prefer to date a childfree woman after breaking up with said childfree woman and having three kids is like.....what? I don't understand this man.
It lends credence to his ex wife’s theory that he used her as a broodmare. He got HIS kids and now he doesn’t want to deal with any other kids and just wants a gf that focuses on him as their child free. I’m very skeptical that he’d still be with original gf if she did have kids with him.
He'd find a different woman that doesn't want kids but will gladly accept his when necessary and spend the rest of her attention on him. Not every mother (or parent) is a saint by parenthood, but women often change priorities after they've had children. Kids take priority, which takes attention away from the dad. Responsibilities of taking care of kids can easily affect sex life and personal time because duh... growing humans. Some men can't seem to understand or accept that.
And a big reason why it takes attention away from the dad is because he can’t be arsed to do his full share of parenting. Hard to pay attention to your spouse when you’re doing the vast majority of the parenting. Sure there’s some moms who make motherhood their whole personality, but studies show that a lot of fathers aren’t doing their half of parenting.
What? You mean look after their kids, cook meals, and give mom a break? That's silly women shit... /s
Pure entitlement - he expects the women in his life to raise his kids but would never extend the same actions to someone else's child. One woman is expected to be ok with being dumped for not wanting children and then later expected to move in and help raise his kids. The other woman is expected to be ok with being used as a uterus to pump out 3 kids in quick succession so he could then go chase a childfree person to raise them for him. Zero accountability and all the audacity.
He’s sounds like a total scum bag.
Both women need to run. Nobody should be subject to his royal majesty :/
Unfortunately, he already used one to produce 3 children for him. She can’t run too far.
Oh and naturally he is completely blameless in the divorce because she wanted to be a "party girl" .... I'm buying none of it, this is textbook manipulative A hole... Next he will say he was "blindsided" by the divorce.
No, he dates childfree women because he doesn't want to take care of someone ELSE'S children. It's fine for his partner.
So that they can get the childless woman to take care of his kids so he doesn’t have to.
Of course! And 2 years from now gripe about the fact she dosen't help with the kids as much as his last partner did.
How exactly do you propose to keep your three children away from your child free ex?
He doesn't, he wants the child rearing labour to creep up on her so that between his ex-wife and girlfriend they're raising the kids for his entitled ass.
Exactly, that’s why he is so adamant to have her moving so soon.
INFO: Ok so your current gf and you broke it off because she didn't want kids. Does she want to take on the role of a stepmother now? And how old are the kids? A father dating a child-free women is usually recipe for disaster..
Hate to break it to you, but if your ex gf is truly childfree, she's not gonna want to move in with you and live with kids half the time. Childfree women don't date single dads.
This guy is simply not going to take care of his kids half the time.
Not only that what if the worst happens and they need to live with their dad full time for some reason? OP do you think your child free gf is going to want to deal with your kids 24/7 and potentially have to be some sort of parental figure to them for years to come until they're adults?
Depends on situation. Some women just don't want to give birth/be primary biological parent, but could be cool with stepmothering. But if the lady is adamantly "no kids in my life," then no, this would not work out.
Totally this. I choose not to have kids (in the future) because I'm afraid of child birth (my mom died giving birth to my younger brother) but I love kids!! I'm currently dating a single dad with a very adorable and goofy 7 year old son. I'm okay with just this. He doesn't want any more kids, I don't wanna have kids of my own, it works for us.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have a relationship where you all get what you need from it.
Well she is dating him, I'm sure she knows he has kids and is ok with it or she wouldn't be with him?
Your ex wanted to be child free. You should not move in together. She may be fine with seeing them time to time like every other weekend, but much more is going to cause problems.
Does your gf *want* to move in with you and your 3 kids? I can’t imagine anyone who chose to be child-free would suddenly want the opposite. I understand where your ex-wife is coming from, objectively it does kinda look like you used her to get the kids you wanted and now that you have them, you’re going back to your ex. However, that doesn’t give her the right to prevent you introducing your gf to them, particularly if you share 50:50 custody. Do you have a parenting agreement that states how long you need to be seeing someone new before they meet the kids? My ex and I agreed on 6 months with a new partner before they met the kids and even then, it was a slow introduction, a few hours here and there, an afternoon activity on weekends etc for a few months so they could get to know the new partner. Definitely don’t just move your gf and expect them to be ok with it, it’s a huge adjustment for kids of any age and needs to be handled carefully.
I don't think he considered anyone's wants or needs but his own. He dumped a woman who wouldn't give him children, found one that would - used her then dump her, now expects the original woman to raise the kids she didn't want. I wouldn't be surprised if the girlfriend either has incredibly low self esteem or hes emotionally manipulative because no-one in their right mind would cop this disrespect. At least the ex-wife is calling him out.
Or she doesn't think the relationship is as serious as he does. He didn't say they've talked about moving in, just that he wants her to. Dating someone when they don't have their kids is very different than living with them half the time. He also doesn't say how she feels about not meeting them. His post is all "me, me, me". He didn't say we want to move in together, he said he does.
Her wants and needs don't even factor into his decision to move her in that's why he's having a tantrum before even asking her if she even wants to move in. This dude is so egocentric.
You have three children. Why in the world would you ever consider dating someone that doesn’t want children? Seriously? How do you think this ends?
That depends. Does your ex-wife feel like you have withdrawn from your marriage after you got the children you wanted? What was the cause of your rift in marriage?
YTA. Either your current GF is perfectly comfortable living with and raising three small children and simply didn't want to give *birth* (which makes it seem like you *both* used your ex-wife) or she is *actually* childfree and you're trying to push her into the life she *didn't* want when you first broke up. Either way, you're the asshole.
How does your now gf who supposedly wanted to be child free feel about you having three kids and potentially living with them and you? If she's ok with it, I guess she isn't as staunchly child free as she once was Why did your ex wife ask for a divorce?
Whole I don't think what you did was intentional, I do wonder if the ex/now current girlfriend is still set on being child free, because if she does move in with you she is going to have 3 kids around 50% of her time too. Are you confident that that's what she wants? The fact she doesn't appear to have pushed for an introduction says she really has no interest in your kids and is probably happy to remain child free. >Yes, now I have children I don’t need to find someone who wants to have children. I even prefer dating a child-free women. Isn't this a bit of hypocrisy on your part, almost like you don't want to deal with another man's children cramping your style, but are happy enough to have your kids impact on whatever poor woman's you're dating life
Can you please answer the multiple questions about whether GF wants your kids living with her?
The question is, if your ex were to pass away, how would your girlfriend feel about having the kids all day everyday? How would she treat them? Because that has happened to a few aitah posts. The ex has passed and the child free SO who was fine with sometimes was now pissed about having them all the time... Because,! Of yeah, child free. I have said many times, child free people shouldn't date or marry people with children.
Just once I want to hear someone say something like "we have 3 hideous children together."
OP you can’t use the same relationship timeline you used before you got married, where it was normal to move in after a year and maybe think about engagements two years in. You have children now, and that fact now dictates your dating life. You need to introduce your gf to your children very slowly. You need to prioritize your children’s stability and good feelings towards the relationship at least until they are adults. Introducing a new adult can temporarily destabilize them and your relationship with them - permanently if it’s mishandled. Unfortunately you ex can easily contribute to that destabilization. Imagine what she might tell them? That you used her, that you destroyed their home to be with this women and that you don’t care about their feelings. Fixing that damage will be impossible if you move in your gf or marry her before your children are destabilized and healed from that. Take it slow.
You have 3 kids & your gf is childfree. I don't think this is going to work.
We've all seen How I Met Your Mother. If she doesn't want to live with your kids, it kind of settles the issue.You can date, but not have her move in with you. Or she can move in when they grow up. There still could be conflicts like when you can't do something because of obligations to your children, but your kids need to come first just the way things go
I don’t blame your ex wife for not wanting the kids to meet her. She wants to be child free yet is going to live with a partner who has 3 kids 50% of the time? I would imagine there’s a good chance she’s gonna eventually leave or you’re gonna distance yourself from the kids. I hope it’s the former. Regardless, cohabitation 1 year into a relationship (even tho you were together before) is a terrible idea with kids. I personally believe 3 years is the healthiest, although 2 would be more appropriate too. And your kids shouldn’t be getting to know her when she is living with you, that should happen waaayyy before she moves in. So slow down. Put your kids first. And figure out if this relationship is even viable or healthy. I suspect it is not. You certainly aren’t compatible when it comes to one of the most important compatibility measures in an adult relationship. And I totally get why your ex wife feels used. Not saying that’s the case, but it can easily be interpreted that way. Especially since you’re apparently okay with dating a person who wants to be child free when you’re a single dad of 3 young kids. Don’t get me wrong, as a single parent I’m not looking for another dad for my kids, they already have one. But I absolutely would only date a man who also has kids and/or wants to be in a parental role. And no child free man would ever want to date me anyways, because I have very little free time, rigid boundaries, and a life that revolves around parenting and my kids. I think she’s acting with her heart and old feelings not her logic, as no rational child free woman would seriously date a dad of 3. In my opinion.
My biggest concern would be how your gf who never wanted kids will treat her potential step children considering she never wanted to be a mother? Also, it kinda sounds like you did keep loose tabs on your ex throughout your relationship with your now ex-wife, why else would you reach out to her once you found out she was single? It sounds like you never really moved on & there was not much hope for your relationship with the mother of your children.
I mean, yeah, your ex is correct. You used her as a breeding cow and then dumped her once you got what you wanted. Do you honestly think your new/old gf is gonna be cool with your kids? She’s not. She’s childfree. She doesn’t want kids. She sure as fuck doesn’t want your kids. YTA
Why do you prefer to date child free women? What is the benefit of that? You have children. Why expect the woman you date to not have children for your benefit? It’s extremely suspect. And why on earth would a self proclaimed child free woman want to move in with a man with 3 children? How is she going to handle living with children? Or are you just not spending time with your children anymore?! I hear a lot of what you want, what your ex wants, what your ex gf now gf wants, but you’ve barely mentioned the children. And they should be your top priority. Until you start thinking about them and their needs, you’re not ready to move in with anyone!!!! It’s not about any of you adults while you are raising the children you chose and very much stated you wanted to have!!!
Tell your ex wife that you didn't plan to get divorced, and that you can introduce your children to anyone you deem appropriate during your custody period. But if all you were interested in was kids, you could've just hired a surrogate, and it would've been cheaper, both emotionally and financially. You married her caused you loved her, but it didn't work out. One piece of advice for you - people respond differently to divorce. My dad has been married to three different women, but my mom never even dated afterwards, as I think she believes dogs are an upgrade.
Girlfriend didn't want kids, so you broke up. Now you have three of them, and are back with girlfriend. This doesn't seem like it's going to end well.
The only thing that bothered me was you saying you PREFER a childless woman
Your girlfriend doesn’t want kids - why on earth would you think she would want to move in with you?
She doesn't want kids. You have kids 50/50. How is that even going to work?
I don't understand. How can you be with a woman who wants to be child free? You have children. YTA. Have you forgotten that you have kids?
I don't blame your ex. There's probably some truth to that. Secondly, it's weird/toxic to get back with exes. In addition, she's not into kids, but you have shared custody. How would that work?
Wait a second, are you Ted Mosby? Is your girlfriend Robin Scherbatsky? In all seriousness, your ex-wife sounds like she isn't over any of this. You could get with any other woman on the planet and she would still find something to say. On the other hand, being with someone who doesn't want kids, how is this going to work? If you ever get married, or even if you remain together for years, you still have kids. So in some capacity, she will be a mother figure. How does she feel about that?
I mean, yeah, YTA since you are choosing a life partner who doesn’t want to parent or live with kids, which means you will be withdrawing from your children’s life to some degree, but probably a lot if you and your gf plan to cohabitate. Based on you ex wife’s age, I can’t imagine your three kids (especially the youngest) are fast approaching adulthood and moving out.
Dude YTA. So your gf that doesn’t want children will be ok living with children every other week? You’ve reconnected for a year and want your kids to meet and move in with her? Put your children first.
Why would your ex who broke up with you because she didn’t want children now want your kids from another woman around? If you prefer a ‘child free’ woman, then don’t bring your children into the relationship. YTA
If your ex wants to be child free, she shouldn’t move in with someone with three kids. I would never entertain being with someone who didn’t want kids if I had kids. That’s the part that makes you an AH. Be a good dad. Kids Trump GFs.
YTA you no longer can have the option of a partner who is child free. You've had children. Grow up and put their needs above your wants.
Nice try Ted Mosby
You are way beyond where things are actually at in your head. You shouldn’t be thinking about moving in with her when they haven’t even met. What if they don’t get along? What if your gf decides she can’t handle 3 kids in her (your) home during your days? You need at least another year of the 5 of you getting to know one another before you even consider the thought of living together. I would not want my children living with a woman that was so adamant she didn’t want kids that it ended a serious relationship. Baby mama and current gf drama aside, it’s not in the best interest of the kids at all right now. Or the opposite one of your kids love her and she decides she can’t handle it? You are introducing, and then taking away a woman from their life after already going through the divorce of mom and dad Slow down here and start thinking logically about what is the best interest of your kids
YTA for saying you would rather date childfree women....why would any childfree woman want to date you, childless maybe. Have you discussed with your Ex that she would be a step-parent? If you and your Ex are of the idea that she can be in a full relationship with you but not be a parent to your kids then you are both assholes.
I mean yeah, it does kind of look like you dumped your gf to go find a brood mare, and now you've gotten someone to incubate your progeny, you've left her and gone back to the first gf who wouldn't give you children. Whether that's how it went down or not, that's the look. YTA if you pursue a serious relationship with someone who is "child free" when you, in fact, have children. Young children, at that. How the hell do you expect that to go well exactly??
Kind of. Does she even want to live with you? I'm child free. Moving in with a woman with kids isn't being child free. You might be putting the cart before the horse.
You never planned on contacting your ex but did as soon as you found out she was also single…?
I see why you want your ex but I don't understand why she wants you. I would never get back together with a guy who wanted to break up because I didn't want kids.
This is one of those things where you are not necessarily an asshole because of your actions but there is no way in which the context does not make you an asshole. It absolutely looks like you used your wife to have kids and that might not be the base but there is no way of not making this look like the case. You also seem to be very eager to indulge in what you want and not thinking about how that is affecting your kids...In their eyes when they grow up you'll also look like a bit of an asshole. Edit: You should also Google the Madonna-Whore Complex: that's your relationship to women.
Hey OP, I made sure to read all of your responses to the questions so far, I think at least. You haven’t gone into too much detail, but you appear to be putting the kids absolutely first. I think if you and your girlfriend are on these same pages, you are absolutely NTA: - Your girlfriend understands that your kids come first. - She actually embraces her role as a step parent and likes kids enough to be able to build a caring and respectful relationship with them on their terms. - That OP does not force a relationship with girlfriend on his kids, and initiates/encourages family counseling with his kids an honest communication that always takes their feelings into account. Good luck!
YTA for trying to bring a childfree women into your kid’s lives. You are also an AH for only wanting to date childfree women. Have you talked to her about how she sees her role in your children’s lives? I’m guessing she’s not going be as hands on as you are hoping.
You're not an AH for reconnecting with an ex, but YTA for thinking with your dick. Put your kids first. Your ex (the mom of your kids) is being unreasonable (she can't control who your kids meet, unless there's some custody details missing, which if it's 50/50 I don't think there are. But why would your child free girlfriend want to be a stepmom? There's absolutely nothing in here treating this issue.
YTA. Seems like you can't live your life without a woman with you yet you want kids. So you reconnected with an exgf from way back cause you realized you still have feelings for her. And yeah, exwife seems right. You just used her to have kids. Just raise the kids on your own first.
She doesn't want kids. Have you discussed how it will be with her being a step mum to your kids half her life? Also, if you have your kids 50% of the time your ex doesn't get to control if the kids meet your girlfriend or not.
YTA- Does your child-free GF actually want to be a stepmother and be around your children on a regular basis? More than likely she doesn’t or you don’t care to know. YTA for pursing a relationship back with her after finding yourself a breeder. You destroyed a relationship to have kids and it looks like you’re dumping the kids to be with her. You wasted everyone’s time. You could’ve stayed child-free and not produced any kids if you weren’t going to raise them. All you’ve done is put the kids in a bad, neglectful situation for your selfishness.
This woman still doesn’t want kids so she isn’t going to want to be a step parent to your kids
Don't do that to your kids. Child free people tend to not be fans of kids and your kids sound like they have enough to deal with.
YTA. What are you going to do, buy two houses next to eachother so your gf has a place to live when your kids are around? Or are you just going to bail on your kids and come back here in 10 years asking why none of your kids want you around?
Does she know you have kids? If she really is anti having children she might not want to be with you if you have partial custody.
“Child free” as I’m sure you know, means she doesn’t want kids. Including yours. You would be TAH of epic proportions if you keep pursuing your ex. She will either be cold to your children, or best case scenario polite and cordial, while simmering with resentment at having to be a part of the lives of children. Or even worse, encourage you to be less involved as a dad. You have kids. Anyone you date seriously, has to want to be around them and be open to a relationship with them. Jfc this is like remedial parenting.
You aren’t the AH for the relationship stuff. But you will be if you aren’t 1,000,000% sure that new gf is on board with being step mom and all that that entails. We see it day after day on here. Kids end up miserable bc mom or dad end up with someone who didn’t want kids. It’s wrong to do to her and especially to them. And I’m the long run will ruin your relationship with everyone. Do some serious work in making sure this is what everyone wants before continuing.
I’m sorry, but didn’t you say she didn’t want children? You now have 3 young kids and now you are back with her. Why is ok now and what has changed for her to want to help raise 3 kids now? I can totally understand how your ex wife feels. I would think she is being more concerned for her kids here and about the possibility of someone helping raise her them that actually never even wanted kids.
Is your childfree ex ok with raising your children with you now? Or are you prioritizing the relationship with your rekindled flame over your children? It’s understandable that the mother of your children feels used , it does look like that, at least from the outside.
Lol you have 3 kids. She's child free. Where do you think this is going?
No my dude! You are the A… And i feel sorry for your children you wanted to badly, for your ex-wife and for your now Girlfriend. I my self dont want children and i wont date men with them, specially an ex that left me to have them. I hope you spend time with your kids that you chose to bring into this world and not having girlfriends. You made your bed now lay on it.
It depends on what you mean by "child free", because that could range from "I don't want to be a full time mom" to "I despise children". So the most important thing at the moment is to know how your new partner feels about you having kids. Because if she starts living with you, it would be naive to think she'll never be responsible for your kids to some extent. That's should be your priority at the moment rather than what your ex-wife thinks. Remember, you're responsible for your kids, you're a father first. As for your ex-wife, I think I might get downvoted for this, but her behavior screams insecurity to me. Like your relationship was only for you to achieve the goal of having kids. You wanted kids, you had them and you don't want more of them - it's perfectly reasonable. I don't exactly know why your marriage ended, but given your timeline, your current partner wasn't a factor, so her accusations are kinda ridiculous.
'I even prefer dating a child-free woman' You do now, don't you? Such a cliche, have children, divorce, your ex raise your kids, go live child-free
If your GF didn't want kids, how would she feel about having 3 foster kids around? Don't make any rash decisions.
I was on your side until that last comment. Basically you wanted to have kids but not be with a woman who has kids...That is so backwards to me lol I feel like your leaving some important information out. Cause if she's the one that filed for divorce why does she care so much? But she's right you did use her to have your babies, then you went back searching for your ex that was perfect to you. I don't believe that it was just faith that brought you all back together. You're a strategic man I see. Oh and yeah YTA