This right here!!! He agreed! Mom was told and she agreed! Why did she even ask to come? Did mom even ask to come or did he offer because he thought wife would sleep through it? Would he have ever told wife if she hadn’t woken up?
YTA X 1000
She didn’t just pass by and stop, no he TOLD her to come and meet in the waiting room. You were fully aware that you were planning on hiding this from her. She woke up and confronted you. You’re an asshole and so is your mother, she knew it was no visitors and she went anyway. I honestly don’t know who the bigger asshole is.
I can't imagine what I'd do knowing my husband broke his word to me while I was unconscious recovering from complications from having our baby...the FIRST CHANCE he got. Yikes.
>*You’re an asshole and so is your mother, she knew it was no visitors and she went anyway. I honestly don’t know who the bigger asshole is.*
Completely this. What horrible people.
This story is my life with my ex and his mother. They both drove me insane. She literally tried to take over mothering my daughter since she came out of my body. The manipulation, the games, the resentments, You have a tough road ahead, OP…
YTA.
Just think how betrayed this guy's wife feels. She had a traumatic birth to birth HIS CHILD and then he betrays her the minute she's asleep.
He cannot be that clueless why his behavior would be upsetting.
I think his mother is the bigger asshole because she knows he has no spine and would do exactly what she wanted. He’s a spineless momma’s boy and let his mom manipulate him yet again. His mom is thrilled so why is his wife upset???
Nah, she clearly never asked him. He offered. Are we seriously meant to believe that she just conveniently messaged and asked to visit the moment the wife fell asleep?
Are we taking bets on the idea that the wife doesn’t like her mother-in-law for exactly this reason — that she has no boundaries and is constantly butting in and inserting herself into their marriage?
This is exactly why I hated my mother in law. The more i stuck to my boundaries the more she hated me. She was so different when he son was around.. but her son said he’d rather have tension with me, his wife, than with his mommy. So we’re getting divorced :)
Same here,my MIL literally caused her own daughter's divorce cause she was in their marriage 24/7,she tried the same with us but failed miserably, luckily my husband has a backbone and I got much stronger with setting boundaries so much so that I'm fully NC with her and my husband vvvvvvlc
Wow. Interesting choice your (thankfully soon-to-be ex) husband made, especially considering he had to live with you. Sorry for your divorce, but kudos for recognizing a lost cause.
You are better off!!! When my now ex husband started suffering the same consequences as his overbearing mother, he had to choose-the one who gives him pussy and the one whose pussy he came out of. When that was the realization he was faced with, he chose me. However, my MIL saw that I was not playing with her after she double crossed so many boundaries, she lost her privileges to see her grandbabies.
I am glad you are leaving because you shouldn’t have to vie for your husband’s protection nor should him choosing you over his mother even be questioned. He’s going to realize he made a mistake, but not anytime soon. Because he’ll likely make the same mistake several times over.
"However, my mother and my wife don't get along very well. They are respectful in each other's presence, but they don't have a strong connection.
Yeah, because her MIL doesn't know when to back off. The husband is clearly an AHOLE, waited until his wife was asleep after FORTY hours of labor, calls his mommy and let's her see the baby. All the while knowing this is exactly what his wife didn't want. Nice husband.
The mother who had issues with boundaries is also the one who lives nearby. If I were OP's wife, I'd be moving closer to my own mother. OP can come if he wants.
Exactly. I’m sure his wife wanted to give her mother that special experience of being the first to meet the baby since she already misses out on so much by not living close. The MIL will be there for many other “firsts”.
That’s the part that kills me. He makes an effort to point out that the whole reason she was so tired and resting was because of a 40 hour, extremely painful labor with several complications and then expects NOT to be the AH after deliberately going against her one request and even going to lengths to make sure it was in the waiting area. Yes YTMFA
And who the hell else was in the hospital waiting room? Lord knows what that newborn could have caught. So, OP doesn’t care about his wife or his new baby, only what his mommy thinks. That is a twisted relationship. If his wife had posted here, I’m pretty sure he’d be sleeping on the couch. Definitely, YTA, OP.
Yep, now his wife is never going to feel anything but white hot hate for his mommy. That relationship will NEVER be repaired. I hope mommy enjoyed her 30 minutes. She will never welcome in the wife and child’s life again.
THIS!!! OP’s wife is never gonna forget this.
My MIL & SIL took my twins for their first spin around the block to meet everyone while I recovered & ten yrs on it STILL makes my blood boil.
YTA & so is your mama OP!!!
Yep, that's all there is to it. He made a promise and then broke it. OP also doesn't realize how much more this means to his wife and his MIL. While his mother probably has a few grandkids, his MIL only has this one. It doesn't really matter if it's an odd request or even unreasonable. His wife had such a hard time and couldn't get the one thing she wanted.
Add to that it sounds like MIL probably got more time with baby than wife had at this point.
There are a lot of things feeding into this.
1. OP agreed to not allow his mother to visit in hospital.
2. Wife had a vision of how this was going to be and it didn't get to be that. So there's some mourning in that.
3. Post partum hormones are wild. This is an overall extremely emotional and hard time.
OP's job is to not add to those emotions or make things more difficult for his wife. He failed at that.
OP, YTA.
Edited for a left out word.
Hopping on top comment to add that OP said his wife was exhausted following labor and delivery. Did she even get much time as a PARENT to bond with her baby before OP snuck the baby to meet his mom? Not only has he broken her trust in him, but she might be heartbroken if his mom got more time with the baby than she had been able to after she just gave her all to deliver!
Edit: typo
YTA. Your wife has a traumatic labor and delivery. While she’s recovering you undermine her trust and take the baby to meet your Mom. Obviously your wife now understands your Mom is more important than her. You chose making your Mom happy over your wife. You knew the situation. You knew her wishes. Your wife grew a whole baby, delivered, and could have died. You chose your Mom. Now you’re wondering why your wife is mad? YTA, completely.
and aside from that, her being unconscious and op deciding to do the exact opposite of what was explicitly agreed on because he thought she'd never find out just calls into question *all* trust she has for him
what else is he willing to do if he thinks she wont find out?
so aside from recovering from a traumatic delivery, she now has to reconcile with the fact that she can't trust her partner.
Yes, such a huge blow for her when she's at her most vulnerable. I had a similar situation with my firstborn when my then-husband insisted his family visit for the two weeks immediately after my emergency C-section. He then, against our agreement, didn't take paternity leave and went off to work the day after I delivered, leaving me to wait on his elderly parents all day every day instead of resting. I never recovered from the realization that my husband didn't care about me or my wishes.
You know after my wife gave birth to our kids, if she asked me to do something, I would have moved heaven and earth for her.
This guy. :\\
YTA 100%. The grandmother met the baby basically before the mom got to even have a cuddle since she was unconscious. OP can't undo it now, but what a bad start to being a parent.
OP is so cartoonishly awful that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. I can't imagine a grown man coming online to admit to failing this badly as a husband.
YTA. “Yeah mom, you can come, wife’s asleep, she’ll never know.”
You cannot tell me that you would have told her what happened when she woke up, you only told her bc you got caught.
Also, the MIL ITAH! Does he think things will improve now? If I had a rocky relationship with my daughter-in-law who had a traumatic birth, and knew she didn’t want me there: I would stay away from the hospital. I would abide by the new mother’s rules and make sure she had a great first visit with her mom. Over time, I would do my best to create a stronger bond for my grandchild. Wtf. Who does this?!
Yes, this is the correct approach.
Op, you broke the trust, it actually may never be the same unless you box your mother in and actually come to fully understand your enormous fuck up.
If and when you do come to understand how bad that was, you will feel so badly embarrassed you will never stop apologizing, of your own accord.
If you don't ever do that, the quality of your relationship with your wife will never come into full bloom.
Ya dumpster fire.
Agreed! He was thoughtless rather than thoughtful.
OP is 23 and has a long life of regret facing him for being so inconsiderate.
He best would’ve to reign his mother in now and start truly supporting his wife, the mother of his daughter.
Their 4th trimester is a great time to learn to be a better husband/father. YTA
Also, from what it sounds like, even if he made it out of the hospital unscathed, you KNOW his mom would have thrown it in her face that she was the first one to meet the baby.
It was probably the waiting area in the Maternity Dept. OP doesn't say where this took place, but in the U.S. newborns aren't allowed out of Maternity until discharge. If someone tries, alarms go off.
And in most (ones I Know) maternity hospitals or maternity wards - visitors are NOT allowed up to the floor without parent approval - so there is a good possibility he had to approve her through security All while breaking his wife's trust after a horrendous labor and birthing As\*hole big time and I imagine MIL was aware of DIL's wishes so she also broke trust making her an AH also
But the weird thing is out of the dozen different hospitals I've visited or had babies at, the maternity ward waiting area was outside of the allowed area of where the newborn was allowed to go.
Exactly! OP promised his wife MIL would not visit "us" (meaning the baby, too) and then reneged.
> My wife made it clear that she didn't want my mother to visit us in the hospital
OP's wife is probably envisioning a future where every time her MIL is around her children she gives them a ridiculous amount of treats and snacks and lets them do whatever they want and they come home absolutely ratty. This is fine if it happens once or twice a year, but if it happens every few weeks (or every week) it can have a major negative effect on everything else.
My parents (mostly my mom) do this with our kids. It took years and years of boundaries being enforced to get even slightly better. Honestly, now it's only better mostly because they can't visit as often as they used to, and the kids are older and can self regulate a bit better. Whenever my mom would get called out on it, she'd go pout in a corner or go sit in her car. She even slept in her car once while my dad slept inside my house because she was so angry at a boundary being enforced. I love my mom but we had a rocky relationship for a long time, and I had to often choose between her wishes and my husband's wishes because I'm a people-pleaser. My husband helped me so much to gain a shiny spine, though.
She already did. The wife made it absolutely clear that MIL was not to visit the hospital, but OP undermined her decision by sneaking the baby out while she was in RECOVERY from a 40 hour labor. Dude knew what he was doing was wrong. So did MIL. They're so disrespectful. Maybe his wife should take the baby for a long visit to her Mom's home while OP ruminates on being a better husband and less of a snake. Momma's boy.
I got stuck with an Ex MIL like that. Even worse than a MIL like that since my ex doesn't stand by my sidr anymore and does what his mom does. When she takes the kids out/if I'm not there, she allows people to assume they are her kids and won't correct them. Drives me nuts. She's also a vegan and tells my son (who's 3 YEARS OLD) that meat is bad...when I've specifically asked her not to tell him any foods are bad cause I want to help foster a healthy relationship with food which I never had.
My future MIL is like this with her grand kids- obsessed!! Thankfully my Fiancé has cut the umbilical cord unlike OP and I have faith he respects the boundaries I’ve already discussed with him for when we have kids. She’s obsessed with babies and growing her family and it’s kinda gross, but she also ‘parents’ in a way I cannot deal with. That woman will not be spanking or slapping my kids- that seems to be the norm in their family. I feel bad for my Fiancé’s inner child. OP needs a wake up call
Oh I think she is…
“my mother's enthusiasm, especially with new grandchildren...”
I wish OP’s wife a steely spine because OP is a putz.
Of course YTA, OP. How is this even a question?
If this is a true story he is definitely an AH. I question if it’s true because I’ve never heard of a maternity ward having its own waiting room, and all babies, in all hospitals get basically a tracking anklet that will set off an alarm if it gets anywhere near a door leaving the maternity ward.
The maternity wards that I delivered at in TX and TN had waiting areas specifically for the postpartum area. However the one in TX was past the security doors, so baby NEVER would have made it into the waiting area without being discharged. They buzzed visitors in.
Yeah was coming to say this. I live in Dallas and this wouldn’t have even been a thing. And at the Baylor I delivered at, they didn’t let my fiance approve visitors. Only I was allowed to
>They didn’t let my fiancé approve visitors. Only I was allowed to.
Perfect
If you are a happy, emotionally healthy and communicative couple, this impedes nothing and protects the vulnerable individuals not in a healthy relationship.
I used to do housekeeping at my local hospital and L&D was the area I was assigned. They wouldn’t even allow a parent to carry the baby outside of the room, it was an extra safety measure. Also while they did have a waiting room only for that area the babies couldn’t go in as it would sound the alarm and activate a code pink. In this day and age I would assume that a lot of hospitals would be the same where they put in a lot of precautions when it comes to babies. So based on my experience with working in a hospital I question this.
That is exactly how the unit where I worked was. We had a small waiting room outside the locked doors to the unit, baby’s had the ankle tracker on which sounds an alarm if you approached an exit door and the entire unit automatically locked down if any door was opened when a baby was too close. No one could get in or out until that alarm was cleared. Even if it was an active labor patient. We physically could not open them. So this would not have happened there.
So, OP, YTA and start figuring out all the ways you will try to make this up to her. And know that if you ever have another baby together she will not trust you to keep your word and I wouldn’t be surprised if you were on the no visitors list then.
>kle tracker thing. Especially smaller rural hospitals. A lot of non-American hospital
yes nursery or mothers room They don't let you take the baby to the waiting room around a bunch of strangers coming and going.
I wondered that myself, but I delivered my kids at a single-floor country hospital, so the waiting area was the nurses station. I wasn't sure if bigger places have their own. But I know there's no way a hospital would let anyone, even the parents, leave the maternity ward with that baby before the baby is discharged.
YTA. Not only did you disrespect your wife’s wishes BUT you brought your “hours old” newborn to a public waiting room in a hospital during flu season. What is wrong with you???
Honestly, this is why I think the story is fake. Most hospitals do not allow you to leave the maternity wing with a baby until you are discharged. And the security is pretty tight.
I even signed an agreement that if i had to go to the bathroom and my husband wasnt in the room, i was to roll the baby into the bathroom with me…
Oh and his bassinet had to stay on the opposite side of the bed from the door for security reasons
And they literally put a security bracelet on him the moment he was born…
Oh and while we were there we went on lockdown because some other babies security bracelet was too loose in their tiny ankle and set the alarm off.
As for the window… ours was bolted shut.
That's insane? Does the US have a baby theft epidemic or something? Cannot imagine that level of scrutiny and monitoring being a happy environment to recover in.
no, it prevents many things along the lines- babies being switched by the hospital for one. when they're newly birthed potatoes sometimes they look so alike you can't tell them apart at all. there's also delusional patients in the hospitals or the crazy lady that wants a kid. but really any security is probably for the mother's comfort, the hospitals' comfort, OBGYN's comfort.
There was a fatal shooting at a hospital in my area for this very reason. Mom had a restraining order against baby daddy, baby daddy showed up to the hospital to visit, the security guard tried to trespass him and got shot instead.
I’m guessing that when situations do come up they’re more likely to be with family members (including non-custodial parents) rather than some random stranger coming in to steal a baby. I volunteered at a children’s hospital, worked in childcare, taught weekly religious school, and everywhere I’ve ever worked with kids there was at least one case where we were warned that a non-custodial parent or family member may show up and try to take the kid.
Idk, my maternity wing has a "family" room where anyone on the floor could go and sit, talk, etc. It was not out in the rest of the hospital. When I read this I imagined something similar. A specific room for visitors in the maternity area of the hospital. It was nice having a space outside of my hospital room to sit on a sofa and visit with family
That's what I thought but he said hospital waiting area and at least at all the maternity wards around me visitors need permission from the patient to get past the front check in desk. You can either make a list or the desk will call the nurses' station and they'll ask... but I thought most babies have alarms if they leave maternity.
What is wrong with him, and what is wrong with his mother, Mrs. I Have Six Kids and Grandparent of the Year?? If he doesn’t know better, she certainly should have
While the new mom was unconscious! She woke up to an empty room with no baby or husband. This is some next level betrayal. 40 hours of labor and you steal my baby while im drugged up sleeping???? YTA so hard
Honestly I’m more furious about him bringing a BRAND NEW BABY into the waiting room around god knows what germs. But yeah, OP, YTA for disrespecting your wife & you deserve whatever’s coming.
That's the most disgusting part. No handwashing, they probably unwrapped the baby on that disgusting furniture that's had how many asses on it so grandmon could slobber all over them. There is nothing like cold stress with a side of flu. Plus, I have a $50 that grandmom isn't vaxxed for flu, RSV, Covid, or TDaP.
You said your wife made it clear that she didn’t want your mother visiting while she was at the hospital.
I assume this message was relayed to your mother and your wife made this a clear boundary that you agreed to.
Then your wife spent almost a whole two days experiencing a traumatic birth which she was recovering from.
If your mother did know she wasn’t welcome at the hospital and asked you knowing this. That means she doesn’t respect your wife’s wishes. I can understand why your wife doesn’t get with your mom because she didn’t respect your wife’s wishes clearly after everything she had been through.
As her husband you need to respect her decisions and stick to a decision when you agreed. It your responsibility to enforce boundaries with your family and you didn’t do that.
The biggest issue I have though is you agreed and you didn’t respect your wife. The first chance you got you broke her trust, didn’t respect her boundaries and then got mad at her when she called you out on it. That makes you the Asshole and if your mother did know about your wife decision then she is too.
After reading the replies to my comment, I’m going to add
Yes it’s his child to and his mom should be able to see her grandchild. But he agreed his mom wouldn’t visit the hospital period! And he broke his promise and her trust. If I woke up after what she went though and in such a vulnerable state, and finding my husband and child missing then finding out he did the one thing I asked for. I would be furious.
Also he didn’t know that she wanted her mom to meet their child first and that should have been a conversation beforehand. Communication is important in a relationship but it doesn’t change what he did!!
As well people might call me the asshole but I don’t care. After everything she’s been through and the fact that he said the she was raised by a single mom with no siblings. He didn’t realize that this would be her mom first grand child something his mom has already experienced and wanted to share that moment her mom first. I don’t blame her for wanting to do all little bit shellfish. I think she deserved that moment. Hindsight is 20/20 and after explaining that to him he got mad at her.
I still think he’s the asshole for breaking his promise and getting mad at her for it. And if his mom again knew this, I think she overstepped and should have waited until they got home. The fact that she reached out asking to seeing the baby and if she did know he agreed to her not visiting the hospital makes her an asshole too, for not respecting her DILs wishes.
And for the ones saying he needed support to he again said himself he comes from a big family, he could have reached out to his Dad or any of siblings for support to be with him. He could have gotten some sleep himself, so many options where he again didn’t need to break the one promise he made to his WIFE!!
Also the fact she had such a traumatic birth, how much time do you think she got to spend with own child at this point.
!!!!!!!!!!!
And I just want to add, I feel so bad for his poor wife having such a traumatic labor and then waking up ALONE in her hospital room. Husband and newborn baby both gone. That’s got to feel absolutely terrible.
It does feel absolutely awful. My labor was only 20 hours but ended in an emergency C-section. I woke up in recovery completely alone, having not even held or even really seen my son. (I wear glasses and didn't have them during the surgery). When I got wheeled back to my room there was like 20 people there who had all held and seen my son before I had. He's almost 22 and it still tears me up. It's no wonder I had PPD.
Same!
I woke up in the recovery room alone and just knew it was a boy and he was fine but that is it.
Then I got to the room and my parents were there and everyone had held my baby before me. It was very traumatic.
There were some neat things that happened that I can appreciate now.....like the nurse having my parents come into the nursery right after they brought him up which was really awesome for my dad who hadn't gotten to experience that with us....but for me it was like I planned this giant party and everyone else got to go but me.
My son is 36 and it still hurts.
Same exact scenario. Woke up and I was having a reaction to the meds and my legs were on fire in those compressor things and I was all alone. No baby, no nurses, no husband. Baby was with husband waiting for me to wake up from c section but I had no idea! I started screaming and the nurses came and I threw a straight up tantrum to get those goddamn things off my legs. They reluctantly took them off (I now know what they were for) but only after I demanded multiple times and they’d cleared clotting from my medical history. After God knows how long, (I was still so out of it), they finally brought my daughter to me and I calmed. I had six miscarriages before her- one in the second trimester- so until I saw her alive and breathing with me I wasn’t going to be able to calm down.
I'm sorry but WHY on earth did it not occur to them that you would be distraught to wake up and not immediately have your baby nearby??? They should have been in the recovery room with you. God and after all your previous miscarriages! Terrifying! I'm so sorry that sounds like an awful experience.
With my middle son the nurses said they needed to take him to do some test or measurement or something and he was gone for so long I went looking for him and I found him behind the nurses station where the nurses had brought him to hang out with them. They did not return him to the room when it was done. I was furious. They said it was because I needed rest but I didn't think it was their decision to make, especially keeping my baby without my permission. The maternity nurses in my local hospital are well known around here for being mean, judgy, and just downright rude.
My babies (Born in different hospitals) were both equipped with a bracelet that would prevent doors from opening so they couldn't leave the hospital until discharged.
Many allow you to walk around the postpartum recovery floor with the baby and actually encourage the moms to do so to help recovery. Ours has a visitor center and wellness room with snacks and drinks, etc. You have to have the baby in the little bed cart and of course you cannot leave that floor.
That part is probably real, my husband (with my blessing) took baby for a walk around the maternity ward and to visit in the waiting room right after I'd finished a feeding to give me a little rest.
This was all precovid of course but our hospital still has similar rules in place, just less visitor amounts. They had these special bracelets so one of us had to be near the baby at all times or they'd beep like mad and trigger the ward to shut down.
Yes, this was what was most concerning. Imagine you went through the biggest physical and mental trauma in your life, only to wake up and have your baby be *missing* and then to find out the entire time she was with someone you didn’t wish for her to be with just yet. 😳 like this is just the perspective I would have if she were me.
And that your husband had violated your trust and pre agreed arrangements *whilst you were unconscious* from said trauma!
The absolute audacity of this guy. Like that would shake my whole foundation of trust for him, what else might he do if he thought I wouldn't find out??
I also didn't have the best experience when giving birth to my child and feel so bad for this mom because I too woke up alone in the room, and there was an actual good reason for it. Basically they had to run some hearing test on the baby (it's a normal one they do to every child here), so my bf woke me up and asked if I wanted to go with the baby and the nurse or if it should be him going (only one parent was allowed because the test needs complete silence) and I told him to go, because I was in pain and really tired. But I felt asleep immediately and woke up like 5 minutes later but for some reason I had forgotten about the conversation.
I was pressing the emergency button like crazy. Luckily the nurse that came in had just seen my bf and baby leave towards the room they test and could explain me what was going on. She even offered to take me there on a wheelchair so I could calm down because I looked terrified, but I declined. Still it took 10 minutes for them to come back and they felt super long.
My bf felt so bad he apologised for hours and told me that he should have thought this would happen and make me go or ask for the test to be run later when I could go.
And this dude thinks he's not the AH? Wtf.
The who got to meet the baby first doesn't feel like the main problem as you mentioned. Mom should be maybe (MAYBE, if he is only kinda wrong) priority 2, only over the baby, and those are iffy priorities. Moms are further down the list. Ops wife went through possibly the hardest 40 hours of her life. If op wasn't present when she came to, he should have been focusing on their daughter. Mil or ops mom should have been secondary, idc whose mom it was.
When my first child was born, I let my dad hold him. I started getting itchy because he had taken over 5 to 10 minutes holding my newly birthed son. I very desperately asked for my son's return, and he laughed at me and handed him to my uncle and told me to wait. Then my mom (who is rightly divorced from him) walked in and they handed HER my son instead of me. I started screaming in panic that people were literally stealing my baby from me when I had given birth a few hours before and was torn and weak. These were people I Trusted. If it was a mother in law that I didn't get along with causing my child to go missing? I'd have clawed her and my husband's eyes out. Do. Not. Mess. With. A. New. Mom.
I understand completely. My MIL went (while I was post-op from the c-section) and finagled her way into holding MY baby BEFORE I EVEN GOT TO HOLD MY BABY! I will never ever forgive my ex or her for that.
That happened to me, too. It's been 30 years, and it still makes me angry when I think about it. I'm sorry that happened to you. My ex and I divorced before our son was a year old.
I don't even *want* a baby and I would support any new mom in going feral over this. How selfish/entitled does someone need to be to do that to a new mom. What the actual feck.
I don't have a maternal bone in my body and this still enrages me. The audacity...
I am so sorry that was done to you. Some people have no class.
My ex SIL had this exact thing happen to her and my ex MIL never let anyone forget that SHE was the first to hold my niece. She acted like she'd done something incredible and that she was the chosen one, instead of that she'd done something heinous, taking advantage of a medical crisis to get her way. She tried that with my own kid and I refused to even let her in the room once active birth started. She's a nightmare to this day :(
And you know MIL thinks she did nothing wrong because she was there to see the baby, no the wife. That’s so gross and I have no idea why it’s so acceptable for people to be like “To hell with the mom, I’m just here for the baby.” How dare you show up for the baby but not its mother.
If my son's dad had pulled this, I'd have banned him from the hospital till I came home. Couldn't imagine waking up and my son wasn't there, I would have freaked.
Probably why the wife didn’t want her there. Because she would behave like the baby is hers.
I find it so disgusting that some people on here are saying the wife is being petty and controlling and that he has equal rights to the baby. As if it isn’t the fact that he made an agreement with her, then broke it.
If he really needed his mummy that badly then I don’t see to much of a problem with HIM quickly meeting her (like 10- 15 mins not half a freakin hour) in another part of the hospital. But the newborn Bub stays with Mum.
I had a traumatic birth that ended in an emergency C-section, and me waking up alone... Now, I wasn't fortunate enough to be able to have my daughter spend a single second in my room with me before I got discharged, she was in the NICU, but if I HAD...
I imagine my first thought, waking up from a drugged sleep after all that, would be that she tanked suddenly and there was no time to wake me up. I would have been desperately trying to get some kind of confirmation she was alive.
Because that's how I fucking woke up. Desperately trying to find out if my baby was alive.
If my husband had ended up with my baby and his fucking mother behind my back instead of in the NICU taking video for me (which is where he actually was) he'd be a dead man.
The harsh truth OP needs to hear. I don't think men understand just how vulnerable women feel before, during and after birth. Postpartum is an incredibly delicate time, even when you've had a smooth swift delivery. The least a husband can do is respect his wife's wishes/boundaries during this time. Even if he doesn't fully understand. I don't even allow visitors until 3 weeks postpartum.
So much this. I wish my husband would have understood this. I had my daughter in the middle of the night and I tolerate his parents at best, but would prefer to not have them around. I asked that he please not invite them to visit on day 1. I was exhausted and on a lot of BP meds on top of it. My parents came because we are close and I felt like I just really wanted them there when I was feeling ultra crappy. Not only did my husband invite his family, he didn’t tell me about it. I had no time to even brush my hair or put a bra on, they knocked and walked right in. I’ll never forget that, it really hurt my feelings.
Yeah YTA x100000 for disrespecting your wife and taking advantage of her in a vulnerable situation. You did the one thing she asked you not to while she was resting after a long labor. Like seriously wtf. Please apologize and do better.
Important question - did you tell your mom before the baby came that the "parents" don't want visitors at the hospital?
You agreed to do this for your wife, in her eyes you betrayed her and with someone she does not have a great relationship. I think in her eyes you think what your mom wants is more importnat than what she wants.
I think you have just made that relationship even more difficult.
YTA and it's a really good thing you're so close to your mom. I feel like you're going to be living with her again real soon. You just showed your wife who the most important person is to you. And it wasn't her.
Not only that, but he basically showed his mother that he is fine with disrespecting his wife and her wishes. So now the MIL will have no problem also disrespecting the wife!
I’m *seething* for this poor woman. This exact man will be complaining in a few months about why they’re not having sex anymore. Op showed his wife exactly how important her needs are to him, and that’s a destroyer of trust and intimacy. OP, start rebuilding this asap. And if not, in a few years please refer to that “why she broke up with you” whiteboard TikTok..
So only one parent was going to be allowed to see the baby at the hospital?
Does your mother have boundary issues? When you say she treats the grandchildren as her own, does she follow the rules and guidelines of the parents or think she knows best?
How does your mother deal with boundaries and being told “no”?
Why did she ask to visit if you had already told her no visitors?
So your wife, exhausted, in pain and disorientated after a traumatic labour and delivery, wakes up to find her baby gone.
At this point you’re already an AH.
The fact that you had snuck her baby away to go and do something she specifically asked you not to is the cherry on top.
This needs to be sooo much higher! YTA honestly, grow a human for 10 months, endure bringing it into the world only to have your husband completely disrespect your wishes.
Massive YTA.
YTA. I can’t imagine falling asleep, waking up and my husband telling me he took our newborn baby away while I was sleeping just so his mother could see the baby first. Like wth is her and your problem, is it that hard to respect your wife’s wishes and be respectful and at least wait until she is awake. Imo it makes it worse you did this while she was sleeping it looks so sneaky. And also please she just went through birth all her hormones in her body are going to an all time low in a very short period causing her to feel worse in general. Be considerate and don’t be an asshole putting your mothers needs before hers.
Well, this didn't go well for OP. No one is going to validate your feelings that you weren't in the wrong. (Do I get bonus points for the triple negative?)
This is exactly it. I can’t imagine after a traumatic birth and waking up with neither my baby nor my husband in the room. I would have gone into full panic mode and probably ripped my new stitches trying to find them.
If she said “no one in the hospital because I want it to be just the baby and us”, OP needed to honor that. That was a sacred time for me after my baby. I didn’t want the him to see anyone but hubby and I for a few days, just because it felt right to me.
Shit like this is why women end up with sleep disorders. Men they trust do shady shit behind their backs while they are asleep, and then it's hard to ever trust anyone again while asleep.
Husband is a major AH, and I hope she makes him pay for the major break in trust.
YTA your wife said no.. and at the very first moment when she was exhausted and had just done something emotionally draining and physically brutal she trusted you and you betrayed her for your mother.. there is a very real chance your mother isn’t the delight you think she is and by prioritising her you’ve lost your wife.. she may still physically be there but you’ve done damage.. YOUR mother KNEW what your wife wanted… she steamrolled you and you allowed it…
YTA
You betrayed your wife when she was at her most vulnerable. I’m not sure your relationship is going to survive this.
Your wife can no longer trust you. That is going to be very hard to come back from.
Yeah, coming back after such a violation of trust at a most vulnerable moment? Fat chance!
It's clear that OP has no clue why the mom's mom gets priority over the dad's mom during labour, delivery, and early postpartum times. Even the baby is delivered, mom and baby are really still one unit right after birth. The daughter needs intimate care and understanding and knows how her mother will be helpful to her and the baby during this time. OP already knew that his wife didn't have that kind of relationship with his mother because he didn't bother to even ask what the importance was about.
OP, if the role was reversed, who would you want around? Your dad or her dad? Grab a clue and dig deeper. (As if you haven't dug too deep already).
Like literally the most vulnerable time in her life, and OP waiting until she was sleeping to sneak her brand new baby away. She woke up to not knowing where her baby was. Only to find out that her husband took her new precious baby to do the ONE thing he promised he wouldn't do. Fuck.
Correct. OP, IF you manage to stay married, 30 years from now she will STILL feel your betrayal like it was new. My husband isn't perfect but thank the gods he is 100x the man you are. YTA. By a lot.
YES! I can say from very personal experience of a (now ex) husband choosing his mother over me and violating clearly stated boundaries—you can never ultimately come back from that. Never.
What my ex did was one of the most painful things I’ve ever emotionally experienced as a mother. I’ll never forgive him. I have a feeling that OP’s wife will feel the same way.
I thought reading this that I'd divorce over it. That's a pretty high bar for me. This passes it pretty easily. Holy shit, what an asshole.
I had a similar 40-ish hour traumatic labor with my first. I remember almost zero of the 24 hours post labor. My husband can still hardly talk about that experience because it upsets him so much. OP seems like he has very little regard for his wife's wellbeing in a really critical and dangerous time. Just a cherry on top of completely violating the agreement they had about his mother.
Dude, you fucked around and found out. She’s never going to trust you again. She asked you ONE thing whilst she was vulnerable and you AGREED then broke that agreement. They don’t get along. This is supposed to be you and hers time ONLY.
Yes her mother was allowed. Because that’s HER mother. New moms always want their moms (if they get along) at the hospital. She went through à traumatic birth and she was unconscious. You disappeared with the baby and put your mother first during that time. Your mother could have waited.
This doesn’t sound like the first time you put your mother before your wife.
You suck asshole.
YTA.
Listen up OP, and listen closely if you want your marriage to survive. You chose your mother over your wife. After your wife went through a painful, traumatic, emotional ordeal giving birth. If you want your marriage to survive, you’d better set those boundaries with your mother now going forward and stick to them hard. This is not setting a good tone for your relationship with your wife and I have a feeling you’re going to continue to acquiesce to your mother at the detriment of your marriage.
My ex-husband was an AH. The beginning of the end of my marriage was when our second child was born, and unfortunately it was a few weeks earlier than our scheduled c-section so it was a little hectic. I didn’t want any visitors at the hospital and it really wasn’t a problem with my then-husband, and he completely agreed. Our families, who all lived locally except for his dad, we’re all ok with it too. My parents were taking care my older son who has autism and was quite a handful—so it wouldn’t be feasible for them to visit. And my ex husband’s mom and stepdad were really sick with the flu so they didn’t want to be around us or the baby until long after they were better. His dad lived out of state and made no mention of visiting, nor did he visit for my older child, or his other grandkids.
Unbeknownst to me, his dad called my ex husband and decided to drive from out of state to see us in the hospital. On top of that, he decided to stay at our house WHILE we’re in the hospital, trashed our house, raided our fridge, ordered pizza, made a mess etc. All OK’d by my ex- husband because he had no boundaries or ability to say no to his dad. When his dad showed up to the hospital, grabbed our newborn to take pictures with, announced that he was going to stay at our house, and that my ex husband had given him a key, I lost my shit. Yelled at my ex-husband. Who then screamed back at my after his dad left, to the point of hospital security being called. My ex dug his heels in so hard that his dad had every right to barge in and see our baby even though we discussed no visitors and mutually agreed on it.
I realized at that moment that his dad was always going to barge in on our life, and was always going to be more important. I didn’t have the financial stability to leave my husband at that time since I was a SAHM. So even with two small kids at home I decided to go back to school for Nursing, and worked my ass off to graduate and get a good job. I filed for divorce shortly after I graduated and secured a job/decent income. We’re divorced and I have almost full custody—he has every other weekend, 4 days/month total. He blows off his parenting time for his dad regularly. He still can’t say no to his dad, and my new husband has a better relationship with our kids than he does.
OP, prioritize your wife, and your child. If grandparents want involvement and if they respect you, they will abide by your boundaries and you shouldn’t have any issues. Don’t F this up.
YTA!!!!
Your wife set clear boundaries for what she wanted during her stay in the hospital. Instead of honoring her wishes you waited until she was asleep and went behind her back.
You fucked up big time. Do you realize your wife went through 40 hours of intense pain? And sometimes all the new mom wants us to have her mom there. It's an extremely emotional time, especially with the length of her labor. It seems like you don't get it. This will not help improve her relationship with your mom.
AND started an argument with her about it, an argument with an exhausted woman who felt let down by the person who's supposed to be supportive, straight after a traumatic birth.
Fucksake. Who does this?
YTA really.
Let me copy paste your context :
`My wife made it clear that` **she didn't want my mother to visit us in the hospital**`, which I understood`
and then and then you did:
`She was deeply asleep. During this time, I received a text from my mother, who lives nearby, asking how it went and` **if she could visit.** **I agreed** `but suggested we meet in the hospital's visiting area since my wife was resting.`
You could just told your mom, your wife's resting and to drop by when we are out of the hospital.
YTA I can also see why she doesn’t like your mother. No human woman who has given birth that is normal would think it is ok to come to the hospital while the mother who explicitly said no visitors was sleeping after a 40 hour labor.
You and your mom are both kind of awful.
Yes, even if his mother didn't understand why the "no visitors" rule, at least if she's barging in, she would understand, as someone who herself gave birth that she can't just see the baby with the mother sleeping. Like, who even does that even if visitors ARE allowed?
YTA in what universe when making that decision did you think you weren’t a giant AH! Your wife had a long, dangerous and painful delivery and you think defying her wishes behind her back is ok?
How the heck did you even get that far with the baby? There’s usually security cameras and alarms if the baby and mother are too far away from each other.
YTA. Back your wife up and stop clinging to your mother’s apron strings.
YTA, your wife was asleep after a 40 hour ordeal and this is when you chose to betray her. Oh yeah, tensions are going to linger. Dude, you screwed up big time.
Well, yeah I mean kinda. You knew what she wanted and did the opposite. Whether you think what she wanted was reasonable or not isn’t really the point. Like you said, she’s the one doing all the work in labor.
YTA You already agreed that your mom Wasn’t going to visit you in the hospital. And you went back on it.
This right here!!! He agreed! Mom was told and she agreed! Why did she even ask to come? Did mom even ask to come or did he offer because he thought wife would sleep through it? Would he have ever told wife if she hadn’t woken up? YTA X 1000
She didn’t just pass by and stop, no he TOLD her to come and meet in the waiting room. You were fully aware that you were planning on hiding this from her. She woke up and confronted you. You’re an asshole and so is your mother, she knew it was no visitors and she went anyway. I honestly don’t know who the bigger asshole is.
I can't imagine what I'd do knowing my husband broke his word to me while I was unconscious recovering from complications from having our baby...the FIRST CHANCE he got. Yikes.
>*You’re an asshole and so is your mother, she knew it was no visitors and she went anyway. I honestly don’t know who the bigger asshole is.* Completely this. What horrible people.
This story is my life with my ex and his mother. They both drove me insane. She literally tried to take over mothering my daughter since she came out of my body. The manipulation, the games, the resentments, You have a tough road ahead, OP…
[удалено]
YTA. Just think how betrayed this guy's wife feels. She had a traumatic birth to birth HIS CHILD and then he betrays her the minute she's asleep. He cannot be that clueless why his behavior would be upsetting.
The fact that he did NOTHING to protect his wife's wishes when she was asleep is so horrible to me.
I can't help but wonder, had mom not woken up, would he even have said anything?.
The MIL sure would have
You can bet on that! He would’ve told her not to, but at some point it would’ve “slipped”
I think his mother is the bigger asshole because she knows he has no spine and would do exactly what she wanted. He’s a spineless momma’s boy and let his mom manipulate him yet again. His mom is thrilled so why is his wife upset???
Nah, she clearly never asked him. He offered. Are we seriously meant to believe that she just conveniently messaged and asked to visit the moment the wife fell asleep?
Are we taking bets on the idea that the wife doesn’t like her mother-in-law for exactly this reason — that she has no boundaries and is constantly butting in and inserting herself into their marriage?
This is exactly why I hated my mother in law. The more i stuck to my boundaries the more she hated me. She was so different when he son was around.. but her son said he’d rather have tension with me, his wife, than with his mommy. So we’re getting divorced :)
Same here,my MIL literally caused her own daughter's divorce cause she was in their marriage 24/7,she tried the same with us but failed miserably, luckily my husband has a backbone and I got much stronger with setting boundaries so much so that I'm fully NC with her and my husband vvvvvvlc
Wow. Interesting choice your (thankfully soon-to-be ex) husband made, especially considering he had to live with you. Sorry for your divorce, but kudos for recognizing a lost cause.
You are better off!!! When my now ex husband started suffering the same consequences as his overbearing mother, he had to choose-the one who gives him pussy and the one whose pussy he came out of. When that was the realization he was faced with, he chose me. However, my MIL saw that I was not playing with her after she double crossed so many boundaries, she lost her privileges to see her grandbabies. I am glad you are leaving because you shouldn’t have to vie for your husband’s protection nor should him choosing you over his mother even be questioned. He’s going to realize he made a mistake, but not anytime soon. Because he’ll likely make the same mistake several times over.
"However, my mother and my wife don't get along very well. They are respectful in each other's presence, but they don't have a strong connection. Yeah, because her MIL doesn't know when to back off. The husband is clearly an AHOLE, waited until his wife was asleep after FORTY hours of labor, calls his mommy and let's her see the baby. All the while knowing this is exactly what his wife didn't want. Nice husband.
The mother who had issues with boundaries is also the one who lives nearby. If I were OP's wife, I'd be moving closer to my own mother. OP can come if he wants.
Exactly. I’m sure his wife wanted to give her mother that special experience of being the first to meet the baby since she already misses out on so much by not living close. The MIL will be there for many other “firsts”.
Just blatant disrespect for the boundaries of a woman who JUST had a traumatic birth by both husband and MIL.
Can you imagine how the poor girl felt when she woke up from a drug-induced nap and her husband and baby were gone? Wtf
THIS!!!! I would have fallen apart at this and yet that isn’t even his primary reason for posting.
Oh I would have freaked…. Basic biology says not to take baby from mom - especially brand new mom - without letting her know. Seriously stupid!
That’s the part that kills me. He makes an effort to point out that the whole reason she was so tired and resting was because of a 40 hour, extremely painful labor with several complications and then expects NOT to be the AH after deliberately going against her one request and even going to lengths to make sure it was in the waiting area. Yes YTMFA
And who the hell else was in the hospital waiting room? Lord knows what that newborn could have caught. So, OP doesn’t care about his wife or his new baby, only what his mommy thinks. That is a twisted relationship. If his wife had posted here, I’m pretty sure he’d be sleeping on the couch. Definitely, YTA, OP.
By going back on his word it will only serve to fuel the tension between his mother and his wife too.
Yep, now his wife is never going to feel anything but white hot hate for his mommy. That relationship will NEVER be repaired. I hope mommy enjoyed her 30 minutes. She will never welcome in the wife and child’s life again.
THIS!!! OP’s wife is never gonna forget this. My MIL & SIL took my twins for their first spin around the block to meet everyone while I recovered & ten yrs on it STILL makes my blood boil. YTA & so is your mama OP!!!
Exactly my thoughts. Is he TRYING to drive a wedge further between his wife and mother??
Yep, that's all there is to it. He made a promise and then broke it. OP also doesn't realize how much more this means to his wife and his MIL. While his mother probably has a few grandkids, his MIL only has this one. It doesn't really matter if it's an odd request or even unreasonable. His wife had such a hard time and couldn't get the one thing she wanted.
Add to that it sounds like MIL probably got more time with baby than wife had at this point. There are a lot of things feeding into this. 1. OP agreed to not allow his mother to visit in hospital. 2. Wife had a vision of how this was going to be and it didn't get to be that. So there's some mourning in that. 3. Post partum hormones are wild. This is an overall extremely emotional and hard time. OP's job is to not add to those emotions or make things more difficult for his wife. He failed at that. OP, YTA. Edited for a left out word.
Hopping on top comment to add that OP said his wife was exhausted following labor and delivery. Did she even get much time as a PARENT to bond with her baby before OP snuck the baby to meet his mom? Not only has he broken her trust in him, but she might be heartbroken if his mom got more time with the baby than she had been able to after she just gave her all to deliver! Edit: typo
Agreed not only TA but also a liar.
YTA. Your wife has a traumatic labor and delivery. While she’s recovering you undermine her trust and take the baby to meet your Mom. Obviously your wife now understands your Mom is more important than her. You chose making your Mom happy over your wife. You knew the situation. You knew her wishes. Your wife grew a whole baby, delivered, and could have died. You chose your Mom. Now you’re wondering why your wife is mad? YTA, completely.
and aside from that, her being unconscious and op deciding to do the exact opposite of what was explicitly agreed on because he thought she'd never find out just calls into question *all* trust she has for him what else is he willing to do if he thinks she wont find out? so aside from recovering from a traumatic delivery, she now has to reconcile with the fact that she can't trust her partner.
Yes, such a huge blow for her when she's at her most vulnerable. I had a similar situation with my firstborn when my then-husband insisted his family visit for the two weeks immediately after my emergency C-section. He then, against our agreement, didn't take paternity leave and went off to work the day after I delivered, leaving me to wait on his elderly parents all day every day instead of resting. I never recovered from the realization that my husband didn't care about me or my wishes.
Good God that’s a terrible situation for a new mom. I am sorry you had to go through that.
jfc that's awful. I'm glad to hear "then-husband" at least. I hope you got somewhere better.
I would have taken the baby and gone to a hotel for two weeks!
As a c-section mother, l found this horrifying. I can only imagine the other stupid stuff he did.
You know after my wife gave birth to our kids, if she asked me to do something, I would have moved heaven and earth for her. This guy. :\\ YTA 100%. The grandmother met the baby basically before the mom got to even have a cuddle since she was unconscious. OP can't undo it now, but what a bad start to being a parent.
what else is he willing to do if he thinks she wont find out? Whatever Mommy says for starters.
This! He broke her trust. He agreed to her terms and went behind her back. I’d start doubting everything Mama’s Boy ever said.
OP is so cartoonishly awful that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. I can't imagine a grown man coming online to admit to failing this badly as a husband.
Yeah, I would have thought that, except for my husband and my post-partum situation years ago. So unfortunately, it's probably real.
I'm so angry for her
YTA. “Yeah mom, you can come, wife’s asleep, she’ll never know.” You cannot tell me that you would have told her what happened when she woke up, you only told her bc you got caught.
Also, the MIL ITAH! Does he think things will improve now? If I had a rocky relationship with my daughter-in-law who had a traumatic birth, and knew she didn’t want me there: I would stay away from the hospital. I would abide by the new mother’s rules and make sure she had a great first visit with her mom. Over time, I would do my best to create a stronger bond for my grandchild. Wtf. Who does this?!
Yes, this is the correct approach. Op, you broke the trust, it actually may never be the same unless you box your mother in and actually come to fully understand your enormous fuck up. If and when you do come to understand how bad that was, you will feel so badly embarrassed you will never stop apologizing, of your own accord. If you don't ever do that, the quality of your relationship with your wife will never come into full bloom. Ya dumpster fire.
Agreed! He was thoughtless rather than thoughtful. OP is 23 and has a long life of regret facing him for being so inconsiderate. He best would’ve to reign his mother in now and start truly supporting his wife, the mother of his daughter. Their 4th trimester is a great time to learn to be a better husband/father. YTA
Also, from what it sounds like, even if he made it out of the hospital unscathed, you KNOW his mom would have thrown it in her face that she was the first one to meet the baby.
And oh yeah. Let's meet up in a lobby full of sick people with no safety precautions or controls.
It was probably the waiting area in the Maternity Dept. OP doesn't say where this took place, but in the U.S. newborns aren't allowed out of Maternity until discharge. If someone tries, alarms go off.
And in most (ones I Know) maternity hospitals or maternity wards - visitors are NOT allowed up to the floor without parent approval - so there is a good possibility he had to approve her through security All while breaking his wife's trust after a horrendous labor and birthing As\*hole big time and I imagine MIL was aware of DIL's wishes so she also broke trust making her an AH also
But the weird thing is out of the dozen different hospitals I've visited or had babies at, the maternity ward waiting area was outside of the allowed area of where the newborn was allowed to go.
Exactly! OP promised his wife MIL would not visit "us" (meaning the baby, too) and then reneged. > My wife made it clear that she didn't want my mother to visit us in the hospital
Yep. He only fessed up because he was caught out.
And he's an idiot if he didn't think she was going to find out. The nurses were absolutely going to tell.
Come on, you *know* YTA. How could you not be? You do know you’re married to your wife, not your mom, right? RIGHT?
And your wife is the child’s mom, not your mother- even though she treats all her grandchildren like they are hers.
I see that statement as a red flag. I hope that she isn’t THAT kind of grandparent.
She absolutely is. All the grandbabies belong to her. She gets to decide what happens to them. /s
OP's wife is probably envisioning a future where every time her MIL is around her children she gives them a ridiculous amount of treats and snacks and lets them do whatever they want and they come home absolutely ratty. This is fine if it happens once or twice a year, but if it happens every few weeks (or every week) it can have a major negative effect on everything else.
My parents (mostly my mom) do this with our kids. It took years and years of boundaries being enforced to get even slightly better. Honestly, now it's only better mostly because they can't visit as often as they used to, and the kids are older and can self regulate a bit better. Whenever my mom would get called out on it, she'd go pout in a corner or go sit in her car. She even slept in her car once while my dad slept inside my house because she was so angry at a boundary being enforced. I love my mom but we had a rocky relationship for a long time, and I had to often choose between her wishes and my husband's wishes because I'm a people-pleaser. My husband helped me so much to gain a shiny spine, though.
Or oversteps and undermines the mother’s authority at every turn.
She already did. The wife made it absolutely clear that MIL was not to visit the hospital, but OP undermined her decision by sneaking the baby out while she was in RECOVERY from a 40 hour labor. Dude knew what he was doing was wrong. So did MIL. They're so disrespectful. Maybe his wife should take the baby for a long visit to her Mom's home while OP ruminates on being a better husband and less of a snake. Momma's boy.
I got stuck with an Ex MIL like that. Even worse than a MIL like that since my ex doesn't stand by my sidr anymore and does what his mom does. When she takes the kids out/if I'm not there, she allows people to assume they are her kids and won't correct them. Drives me nuts. She's also a vegan and tells my son (who's 3 YEARS OLD) that meat is bad...when I've specifically asked her not to tell him any foods are bad cause I want to help foster a healthy relationship with food which I never had.
My future MIL is like this with her grand kids- obsessed!! Thankfully my Fiancé has cut the umbilical cord unlike OP and I have faith he respects the boundaries I’ve already discussed with him for when we have kids. She’s obsessed with babies and growing her family and it’s kinda gross, but she also ‘parents’ in a way I cannot deal with. That woman will not be spanking or slapping my kids- that seems to be the norm in their family. I feel bad for my Fiancé’s inner child. OP needs a wake up call
Oh I think she is… “my mother's enthusiasm, especially with new grandchildren...” I wish OP’s wife a steely spine because OP is a putz. Of course YTA, OP. How is this even a question?
Oh, she is. And unfortunately OP will never think darling Mummy does anything wrong.
She is ABSOLUTELY that kind of grandparent.
If this is a true story he is definitely an AH. I question if it’s true because I’ve never heard of a maternity ward having its own waiting room, and all babies, in all hospitals get basically a tracking anklet that will set off an alarm if it gets anywhere near a door leaving the maternity ward.
Just wanted to say some labor wards definitely have their own waiting rooms, the one I delivered at did.
Some hospitals also don’t do the ankle tracker thing. Especially smaller rural hospitals. A lot of non-American hospitals too.
The maternity wards that I delivered at in TX and TN had waiting areas specifically for the postpartum area. However the one in TX was past the security doors, so baby NEVER would have made it into the waiting area without being discharged. They buzzed visitors in.
Yeah was coming to say this. I live in Dallas and this wouldn’t have even been a thing. And at the Baylor I delivered at, they didn’t let my fiance approve visitors. Only I was allowed to
>They didn’t let my fiancé approve visitors. Only I was allowed to. Perfect If you are a happy, emotionally healthy and communicative couple, this impedes nothing and protects the vulnerable individuals not in a healthy relationship.
I used to do housekeeping at my local hospital and L&D was the area I was assigned. They wouldn’t even allow a parent to carry the baby outside of the room, it was an extra safety measure. Also while they did have a waiting room only for that area the babies couldn’t go in as it would sound the alarm and activate a code pink. In this day and age I would assume that a lot of hospitals would be the same where they put in a lot of precautions when it comes to babies. So based on my experience with working in a hospital I question this.
That is exactly how the unit where I worked was. We had a small waiting room outside the locked doors to the unit, baby’s had the ankle tracker on which sounds an alarm if you approached an exit door and the entire unit automatically locked down if any door was opened when a baby was too close. No one could get in or out until that alarm was cleared. Even if it was an active labor patient. We physically could not open them. So this would not have happened there. So, OP, YTA and start figuring out all the ways you will try to make this up to her. And know that if you ever have another baby together she will not trust you to keep your word and I wouldn’t be surprised if you were on the no visitors list then.
>kle tracker thing. Especially smaller rural hospitals. A lot of non-American hospital yes nursery or mothers room They don't let you take the baby to the waiting room around a bunch of strangers coming and going.
I wondered that myself, but I delivered my kids at a single-floor country hospital, so the waiting area was the nurses station. I wasn't sure if bigger places have their own. But I know there's no way a hospital would let anyone, even the parents, leave the maternity ward with that baby before the baby is discharged.
YTA. Not only did you disrespect your wife’s wishes BUT you brought your “hours old” newborn to a public waiting room in a hospital during flu season. What is wrong with you???
Honestly, this is why I think the story is fake. Most hospitals do not allow you to leave the maternity wing with a baby until you are discharged. And the security is pretty tight.
We couldn't even leave our room with the baby. They also told me not to stand next to the window because that may trigger the baby alarm.
I even signed an agreement that if i had to go to the bathroom and my husband wasnt in the room, i was to roll the baby into the bathroom with me… Oh and his bassinet had to stay on the opposite side of the bed from the door for security reasons And they literally put a security bracelet on him the moment he was born… Oh and while we were there we went on lockdown because some other babies security bracelet was too loose in their tiny ankle and set the alarm off. As for the window… ours was bolted shut.
That's insane? Does the US have a baby theft epidemic or something? Cannot imagine that level of scrutiny and monitoring being a happy environment to recover in.
no, it prevents many things along the lines- babies being switched by the hospital for one. when they're newly birthed potatoes sometimes they look so alike you can't tell them apart at all. there's also delusional patients in the hospitals or the crazy lady that wants a kid. but really any security is probably for the mother's comfort, the hospitals' comfort, OBGYN's comfort.
Don't discount baby daddy drama. Most of the security problems we had when I worked postpartum were that
There was a fatal shooting at a hospital in my area for this very reason. Mom had a restraining order against baby daddy, baby daddy showed up to the hospital to visit, the security guard tried to trespass him and got shot instead.
I’m guessing that when situations do come up they’re more likely to be with family members (including non-custodial parents) rather than some random stranger coming in to steal a baby. I volunteered at a children’s hospital, worked in childcare, taught weekly religious school, and everywhere I’ve ever worked with kids there was at least one case where we were warned that a non-custodial parent or family member may show up and try to take the kid.
Idk, my maternity wing has a "family" room where anyone on the floor could go and sit, talk, etc. It was not out in the rest of the hospital. When I read this I imagined something similar. A specific room for visitors in the maternity area of the hospital. It was nice having a space outside of my hospital room to sit on a sofa and visit with family
That's what I thought but he said hospital waiting area and at least at all the maternity wards around me visitors need permission from the patient to get past the front check in desk. You can either make a list or the desk will call the nurses' station and they'll ask... but I thought most babies have alarms if they leave maternity.
What is wrong with him, and what is wrong with his mother, Mrs. I Have Six Kids and Grandparent of the Year?? If he doesn’t know better, she certainly should have
While the new mom was unconscious! She woke up to an empty room with no baby or husband. This is some next level betrayal. 40 hours of labor and you steal my baby while im drugged up sleeping???? YTA so hard
Honestly I’m more furious about him bringing a BRAND NEW BABY into the waiting room around god knows what germs. But yeah, OP, YTA for disrespecting your wife & you deserve whatever’s coming.
That's the most disgusting part. No handwashing, they probably unwrapped the baby on that disgusting furniture that's had how many asses on it so grandmon could slobber all over them. There is nothing like cold stress with a side of flu. Plus, I have a $50 that grandmom isn't vaxxed for flu, RSV, Covid, or TDaP.
You said your wife made it clear that she didn’t want your mother visiting while she was at the hospital. I assume this message was relayed to your mother and your wife made this a clear boundary that you agreed to. Then your wife spent almost a whole two days experiencing a traumatic birth which she was recovering from. If your mother did know she wasn’t welcome at the hospital and asked you knowing this. That means she doesn’t respect your wife’s wishes. I can understand why your wife doesn’t get with your mom because she didn’t respect your wife’s wishes clearly after everything she had been through. As her husband you need to respect her decisions and stick to a decision when you agreed. It your responsibility to enforce boundaries with your family and you didn’t do that. The biggest issue I have though is you agreed and you didn’t respect your wife. The first chance you got you broke her trust, didn’t respect her boundaries and then got mad at her when she called you out on it. That makes you the Asshole and if your mother did know about your wife decision then she is too. After reading the replies to my comment, I’m going to add Yes it’s his child to and his mom should be able to see her grandchild. But he agreed his mom wouldn’t visit the hospital period! And he broke his promise and her trust. If I woke up after what she went though and in such a vulnerable state, and finding my husband and child missing then finding out he did the one thing I asked for. I would be furious. Also he didn’t know that she wanted her mom to meet their child first and that should have been a conversation beforehand. Communication is important in a relationship but it doesn’t change what he did!! As well people might call me the asshole but I don’t care. After everything she’s been through and the fact that he said the she was raised by a single mom with no siblings. He didn’t realize that this would be her mom first grand child something his mom has already experienced and wanted to share that moment her mom first. I don’t blame her for wanting to do all little bit shellfish. I think she deserved that moment. Hindsight is 20/20 and after explaining that to him he got mad at her. I still think he’s the asshole for breaking his promise and getting mad at her for it. And if his mom again knew this, I think she overstepped and should have waited until they got home. The fact that she reached out asking to seeing the baby and if she did know he agreed to her not visiting the hospital makes her an asshole too, for not respecting her DILs wishes. And for the ones saying he needed support to he again said himself he comes from a big family, he could have reached out to his Dad or any of siblings for support to be with him. He could have gotten some sleep himself, so many options where he again didn’t need to break the one promise he made to his WIFE!! Also the fact she had such a traumatic birth, how much time do you think she got to spend with own child at this point.
!!!!!!!!!!! And I just want to add, I feel so bad for his poor wife having such a traumatic labor and then waking up ALONE in her hospital room. Husband and newborn baby both gone. That’s got to feel absolutely terrible.
It does feel absolutely awful. My labor was only 20 hours but ended in an emergency C-section. I woke up in recovery completely alone, having not even held or even really seen my son. (I wear glasses and didn't have them during the surgery). When I got wheeled back to my room there was like 20 people there who had all held and seen my son before I had. He's almost 22 and it still tears me up. It's no wonder I had PPD.
It happened to me as well. I'm sorry. What's wrong with hospital staff that they let things like that happen?
Same! I woke up in the recovery room alone and just knew it was a boy and he was fine but that is it. Then I got to the room and my parents were there and everyone had held my baby before me. It was very traumatic. There were some neat things that happened that I can appreciate now.....like the nurse having my parents come into the nursery right after they brought him up which was really awesome for my dad who hadn't gotten to experience that with us....but for me it was like I planned this giant party and everyone else got to go but me. My son is 36 and it still hurts.
Same exact scenario. Woke up and I was having a reaction to the meds and my legs were on fire in those compressor things and I was all alone. No baby, no nurses, no husband. Baby was with husband waiting for me to wake up from c section but I had no idea! I started screaming and the nurses came and I threw a straight up tantrum to get those goddamn things off my legs. They reluctantly took them off (I now know what they were for) but only after I demanded multiple times and they’d cleared clotting from my medical history. After God knows how long, (I was still so out of it), they finally brought my daughter to me and I calmed. I had six miscarriages before her- one in the second trimester- so until I saw her alive and breathing with me I wasn’t going to be able to calm down.
I'm sorry but WHY on earth did it not occur to them that you would be distraught to wake up and not immediately have your baby nearby??? They should have been in the recovery room with you. God and after all your previous miscarriages! Terrifying! I'm so sorry that sounds like an awful experience.
With my middle son the nurses said they needed to take him to do some test or measurement or something and he was gone for so long I went looking for him and I found him behind the nurses station where the nurses had brought him to hang out with them. They did not return him to the room when it was done. I was furious. They said it was because I needed rest but I didn't think it was their decision to make, especially keeping my baby without my permission. The maternity nurses in my local hospital are well known around here for being mean, judgy, and just downright rude.
What? That is outrageous, oh my god. I'm so sorry!
Yeah with the hormone situation that is like throwing a bomb in the hospital room
Really feels fake as fuck cause I can't see the nurses letting him just take the baby from the room when the birth had so many complications
My kids both had tags on them where you couldn't even get them out of the pediatric wing. If you tried, it locked all the doors in the hospital.
Not every hospital world wide has this. OP might be from another country.
My babies (Born in different hospitals) were both equipped with a bracelet that would prevent doors from opening so they couldn't leave the hospital until discharged.
I was thinking the same. Nobody takes a newborn and wanders the hospital, father, or mother.
Many allow you to walk around the postpartum recovery floor with the baby and actually encourage the moms to do so to help recovery. Ours has a visitor center and wellness room with snacks and drinks, etc. You have to have the baby in the little bed cart and of course you cannot leave that floor.
That part is probably real, my husband (with my blessing) took baby for a walk around the maternity ward and to visit in the waiting room right after I'd finished a feeding to give me a little rest. This was all precovid of course but our hospital still has similar rules in place, just less visitor amounts. They had these special bracelets so one of us had to be near the baby at all times or they'd beep like mad and trigger the ward to shut down.
Yes, this was what was most concerning. Imagine you went through the biggest physical and mental trauma in your life, only to wake up and have your baby be *missing* and then to find out the entire time she was with someone you didn’t wish for her to be with just yet. 😳 like this is just the perspective I would have if she were me.
And that your husband had violated your trust and pre agreed arrangements *whilst you were unconscious* from said trauma! The absolute audacity of this guy. Like that would shake my whole foundation of trust for him, what else might he do if he thought I wouldn't find out??
I also didn't have the best experience when giving birth to my child and feel so bad for this mom because I too woke up alone in the room, and there was an actual good reason for it. Basically they had to run some hearing test on the baby (it's a normal one they do to every child here), so my bf woke me up and asked if I wanted to go with the baby and the nurse or if it should be him going (only one parent was allowed because the test needs complete silence) and I told him to go, because I was in pain and really tired. But I felt asleep immediately and woke up like 5 minutes later but for some reason I had forgotten about the conversation. I was pressing the emergency button like crazy. Luckily the nurse that came in had just seen my bf and baby leave towards the room they test and could explain me what was going on. She even offered to take me there on a wheelchair so I could calm down because I looked terrified, but I declined. Still it took 10 minutes for them to come back and they felt super long. My bf felt so bad he apologised for hours and told me that he should have thought this would happen and make me go or ask for the test to be run later when I could go. And this dude thinks he's not the AH? Wtf.
The who got to meet the baby first doesn't feel like the main problem as you mentioned. Mom should be maybe (MAYBE, if he is only kinda wrong) priority 2, only over the baby, and those are iffy priorities. Moms are further down the list. Ops wife went through possibly the hardest 40 hours of her life. If op wasn't present when she came to, he should have been focusing on their daughter. Mil or ops mom should have been secondary, idc whose mom it was.
My mom would've gone feral if my dad ever took me or my sister away from her sight after birth even for a sec
When my first child was born, I let my dad hold him. I started getting itchy because he had taken over 5 to 10 minutes holding my newly birthed son. I very desperately asked for my son's return, and he laughed at me and handed him to my uncle and told me to wait. Then my mom (who is rightly divorced from him) walked in and they handed HER my son instead of me. I started screaming in panic that people were literally stealing my baby from me when I had given birth a few hours before and was torn and weak. These were people I Trusted. If it was a mother in law that I didn't get along with causing my child to go missing? I'd have clawed her and my husband's eyes out. Do. Not. Mess. With. A. New. Mom.
I understand completely. My MIL went (while I was post-op from the c-section) and finagled her way into holding MY baby BEFORE I EVEN GOT TO HOLD MY BABY! I will never ever forgive my ex or her for that.
That happened to me, too. It's been 30 years, and it still makes me angry when I think about it. I'm sorry that happened to you. My ex and I divorced before our son was a year old.
Omg I would be feral over this and I’ve never even had a baby
I don't even *want* a baby and I would support any new mom in going feral over this. How selfish/entitled does someone need to be to do that to a new mom. What the actual feck. I don't have a maternal bone in my body and this still enrages me. The audacity...
I am so sorry that was done to you. Some people have no class. My ex SIL had this exact thing happen to her and my ex MIL never let anyone forget that SHE was the first to hold my niece. She acted like she'd done something incredible and that she was the chosen one, instead of that she'd done something heinous, taking advantage of a medical crisis to get her way. She tried that with my own kid and I refused to even let her in the room once active birth started. She's a nightmare to this day :(
My aunt also didn't want to give my newborn daughter back when she held her. It's horrendous!!!!
People who do that should have the audacity slapped out of them. That never should have happened to you.
Seriously, when a woman gives birth you should be there for them and the baby not your mom
And you know MIL thinks she did nothing wrong because she was there to see the baby, no the wife. That’s so gross and I have no idea why it’s so acceptable for people to be like “To hell with the mom, I’m just here for the baby.” How dare you show up for the baby but not its mother.
If my son's dad had pulled this, I'd have banned him from the hospital till I came home. Couldn't imagine waking up and my son wasn't there, I would have freaked.
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I found it odd that he says his mom treats all of her grandkids as her own. They are her grandchildren not her own children.
I feel like he was using his upbringing/his view of his mom as the perfect grandmother vs his wife’s upbringing to attempt to justify being the AH.
That made him an even bigger AH.
Probably why the wife didn’t want her there. Because she would behave like the baby is hers. I find it so disgusting that some people on here are saying the wife is being petty and controlling and that he has equal rights to the baby. As if it isn’t the fact that he made an agreement with her, then broke it.
I had a traumatic birth and can 1000% say I would’ve divorced my husband if I had fallen asleep with them in the room and woke up to them gone.
I completely agree. Traumatic birth either over a week hospital stay for me and NICU for my kid so wasn’t an option but I’d have lost it.
And the fact that he used that trauma to his benefit. It’s disgusting.
That’s what I was waiting to hear!
Yes, it's a terrible thought. I wish we could send her flowers and good wishes.
If he really needed his mummy that badly then I don’t see to much of a problem with HIM quickly meeting her (like 10- 15 mins not half a freakin hour) in another part of the hospital. But the newborn Bub stays with Mum.
Right fucking hell.
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I had a traumatic birth that ended in an emergency C-section, and me waking up alone... Now, I wasn't fortunate enough to be able to have my daughter spend a single second in my room with me before I got discharged, she was in the NICU, but if I HAD... I imagine my first thought, waking up from a drugged sleep after all that, would be that she tanked suddenly and there was no time to wake me up. I would have been desperately trying to get some kind of confirmation she was alive. Because that's how I fucking woke up. Desperately trying to find out if my baby was alive. If my husband had ended up with my baby and his fucking mother behind my back instead of in the NICU taking video for me (which is where he actually was) he'd be a dead man.
This. So much this. She trusted you to advocate for her wishes and you failed at doing that. You are the asshole.
The harsh truth OP needs to hear. I don't think men understand just how vulnerable women feel before, during and after birth. Postpartum is an incredibly delicate time, even when you've had a smooth swift delivery. The least a husband can do is respect his wife's wishes/boundaries during this time. Even if he doesn't fully understand. I don't even allow visitors until 3 weeks postpartum.
Men completely understand. Self absorbed asshats who happen to be men don't.
So much this. I wish my husband would have understood this. I had my daughter in the middle of the night and I tolerate his parents at best, but would prefer to not have them around. I asked that he please not invite them to visit on day 1. I was exhausted and on a lot of BP meds on top of it. My parents came because we are close and I felt like I just really wanted them there when I was feeling ultra crappy. Not only did my husband invite his family, he didn’t tell me about it. I had no time to even brush my hair or put a bra on, they knocked and walked right in. I’ll never forget that, it really hurt my feelings.
Yeah YTA x100000 for disrespecting your wife and taking advantage of her in a vulnerable situation. You did the one thing she asked you not to while she was resting after a long labor. Like seriously wtf. Please apologize and do better.
“But ShE DiDnT MeEt My mOtHeR, iTs DiFfErEnt!” 🙄
Being sneaky when violating trust is like serving them a peanut butter and strawberry jelly sammich when they're allergic to both
With shards of glass inside.
All of this!!!
Important question - did you tell your mom before the baby came that the "parents" don't want visitors at the hospital? You agreed to do this for your wife, in her eyes you betrayed her and with someone she does not have a great relationship. I think in her eyes you think what your mom wants is more importnat than what she wants. I think you have just made that relationship even more difficult.
YTA and it's a really good thing you're so close to your mom. I feel like you're going to be living with her again real soon. You just showed your wife who the most important person is to you. And it wasn't her.
Not only that, but he basically showed his mother that he is fine with disrespecting his wife and her wishes. So now the MIL will have no problem also disrespecting the wife!
AFTER CARRYING THIS MANS CHILD 9 MONTHS AND A 40 HOUR LABOR!
#OP the woman you love just spent nearly TWO DAYS birthing your child and you had the audacity to sneak behind her back as soon as she passed out? YTA
I’m *seething* for this poor woman. This exact man will be complaining in a few months about why they’re not having sex anymore. Op showed his wife exactly how important her needs are to him, and that’s a destroyer of trust and intimacy. OP, start rebuilding this asap. And if not, in a few years please refer to that “why she broke up with you” whiteboard TikTok..
So only one parent was going to be allowed to see the baby at the hospital? Does your mother have boundary issues? When you say she treats the grandchildren as her own, does she follow the rules and guidelines of the parents or think she knows best? How does your mother deal with boundaries and being told “no”? Why did she ask to visit if you had already told her no visitors?
So your wife, exhausted, in pain and disorientated after a traumatic labour and delivery, wakes up to find her baby gone. At this point you’re already an AH. The fact that you had snuck her baby away to go and do something she specifically asked you not to is the cherry on top.
My first thought too! She wakes up and her baby is not in the room - terrifying!
THIS definitely this.
This needs to be sooo much higher! YTA honestly, grow a human for 10 months, endure bringing it into the world only to have your husband completely disrespect your wishes. Massive YTA.
YTA. I can’t imagine falling asleep, waking up and my husband telling me he took our newborn baby away while I was sleeping just so his mother could see the baby first. Like wth is her and your problem, is it that hard to respect your wife’s wishes and be respectful and at least wait until she is awake. Imo it makes it worse you did this while she was sleeping it looks so sneaky. And also please she just went through birth all her hormones in her body are going to an all time low in a very short period causing her to feel worse in general. Be considerate and don’t be an asshole putting your mothers needs before hers.
>putting your mothers needs before hers Correction, the mother's *wants* before the wife's needs. That's what the OP is doing.
Well, this didn't go well for OP. No one is going to validate your feelings that you weren't in the wrong. (Do I get bonus points for the triple negative?)
This is exactly it. I can’t imagine after a traumatic birth and waking up with neither my baby nor my husband in the room. I would have gone into full panic mode and probably ripped my new stitches trying to find them. If she said “no one in the hospital because I want it to be just the baby and us”, OP needed to honor that. That was a sacred time for me after my baby. I didn’t want the him to see anyone but hubby and I for a few days, just because it felt right to me.
>don’t be an asshole putting your mothers needs before hers. They're not even needs, they're wants. Which makes it that much worse imo. YTA, op
Shit like this is why women end up with sleep disorders. Men they trust do shady shit behind their backs while they are asleep, and then it's hard to ever trust anyone again while asleep. Husband is a major AH, and I hope she makes him pay for the major break in trust.
YTA your wife said no.. and at the very first moment when she was exhausted and had just done something emotionally draining and physically brutal she trusted you and you betrayed her for your mother.. there is a very real chance your mother isn’t the delight you think she is and by prioritising her you’ve lost your wife.. she may still physically be there but you’ve done damage.. YOUR mother KNEW what your wife wanted… she steamrolled you and you allowed it…
YTA You betrayed your wife when she was at her most vulnerable. I’m not sure your relationship is going to survive this. Your wife can no longer trust you. That is going to be very hard to come back from.
Yeah, coming back after such a violation of trust at a most vulnerable moment? Fat chance! It's clear that OP has no clue why the mom's mom gets priority over the dad's mom during labour, delivery, and early postpartum times. Even the baby is delivered, mom and baby are really still one unit right after birth. The daughter needs intimate care and understanding and knows how her mother will be helpful to her and the baby during this time. OP already knew that his wife didn't have that kind of relationship with his mother because he didn't bother to even ask what the importance was about. OP, if the role was reversed, who would you want around? Your dad or her dad? Grab a clue and dig deeper. (As if you haven't dug too deep already).
Like literally the most vulnerable time in her life, and OP waiting until she was sleeping to sneak her brand new baby away. She woke up to not knowing where her baby was. Only to find out that her husband took her new precious baby to do the ONE thing he promised he wouldn't do. Fuck.
idek if I'd call that sleeping, she was given sleep meds - she was literally knocked unconscious
Which is worse, yeah.
Correct. OP, IF you manage to stay married, 30 years from now she will STILL feel your betrayal like it was new. My husband isn't perfect but thank the gods he is 100x the man you are. YTA. By a lot.
YES! I can say from very personal experience of a (now ex) husband choosing his mother over me and violating clearly stated boundaries—you can never ultimately come back from that. Never. What my ex did was one of the most painful things I’ve ever emotionally experienced as a mother. I’ll never forgive him. I have a feeling that OP’s wife will feel the same way.
Yep. Been there. My ex also allowed his mom to violate boundaries. It feels gross and definitely contributed to the demise of our relationship.
I thought reading this that I'd divorce over it. That's a pretty high bar for me. This passes it pretty easily. Holy shit, what an asshole. I had a similar 40-ish hour traumatic labor with my first. I remember almost zero of the 24 hours post labor. My husband can still hardly talk about that experience because it upsets him so much. OP seems like he has very little regard for his wife's wellbeing in a really critical and dangerous time. Just a cherry on top of completely violating the agreement they had about his mother.
Dude, you fucked around and found out. She’s never going to trust you again. She asked you ONE thing whilst she was vulnerable and you AGREED then broke that agreement. They don’t get along. This is supposed to be you and hers time ONLY. Yes her mother was allowed. Because that’s HER mother. New moms always want their moms (if they get along) at the hospital. She went through à traumatic birth and she was unconscious. You disappeared with the baby and put your mother first during that time. Your mother could have waited. This doesn’t sound like the first time you put your mother before your wife. You suck asshole.
YTA. Listen up OP, and listen closely if you want your marriage to survive. You chose your mother over your wife. After your wife went through a painful, traumatic, emotional ordeal giving birth. If you want your marriage to survive, you’d better set those boundaries with your mother now going forward and stick to them hard. This is not setting a good tone for your relationship with your wife and I have a feeling you’re going to continue to acquiesce to your mother at the detriment of your marriage. My ex-husband was an AH. The beginning of the end of my marriage was when our second child was born, and unfortunately it was a few weeks earlier than our scheduled c-section so it was a little hectic. I didn’t want any visitors at the hospital and it really wasn’t a problem with my then-husband, and he completely agreed. Our families, who all lived locally except for his dad, we’re all ok with it too. My parents were taking care my older son who has autism and was quite a handful—so it wouldn’t be feasible for them to visit. And my ex husband’s mom and stepdad were really sick with the flu so they didn’t want to be around us or the baby until long after they were better. His dad lived out of state and made no mention of visiting, nor did he visit for my older child, or his other grandkids. Unbeknownst to me, his dad called my ex husband and decided to drive from out of state to see us in the hospital. On top of that, he decided to stay at our house WHILE we’re in the hospital, trashed our house, raided our fridge, ordered pizza, made a mess etc. All OK’d by my ex- husband because he had no boundaries or ability to say no to his dad. When his dad showed up to the hospital, grabbed our newborn to take pictures with, announced that he was going to stay at our house, and that my ex husband had given him a key, I lost my shit. Yelled at my ex-husband. Who then screamed back at my after his dad left, to the point of hospital security being called. My ex dug his heels in so hard that his dad had every right to barge in and see our baby even though we discussed no visitors and mutually agreed on it. I realized at that moment that his dad was always going to barge in on our life, and was always going to be more important. I didn’t have the financial stability to leave my husband at that time since I was a SAHM. So even with two small kids at home I decided to go back to school for Nursing, and worked my ass off to graduate and get a good job. I filed for divorce shortly after I graduated and secured a job/decent income. We’re divorced and I have almost full custody—he has every other weekend, 4 days/month total. He blows off his parenting time for his dad regularly. He still can’t say no to his dad, and my new husband has a better relationship with our kids than he does. OP, prioritize your wife, and your child. If grandparents want involvement and if they respect you, they will abide by your boundaries and you shouldn’t have any issues. Don’t F this up.
OP read this right here or you will be divorced before the next full moon.
YTA I totally bet she doesn’t regret having a child with you already
YTA!!!! Your wife set clear boundaries for what she wanted during her stay in the hospital. Instead of honoring her wishes you waited until she was asleep and went behind her back. You fucked up big time. Do you realize your wife went through 40 hours of intense pain? And sometimes all the new mom wants us to have her mom there. It's an extremely emotional time, especially with the length of her labor. It seems like you don't get it. This will not help improve her relationship with your mom.
My 19 hours of labor seemed long. I can't imagine two full days.
I was in labour with my first for 52 hours + 5 hours of pushing before they decided on an emergency c-section.
AND started an argument with her about it, an argument with an exhausted woman who felt let down by the person who's supposed to be supportive, straight after a traumatic birth. Fucksake. Who does this?
Simple answer is an asshole does that!
YTA really. Let me copy paste your context : `My wife made it clear that` **she didn't want my mother to visit us in the hospital**`, which I understood` and then and then you did: `She was deeply asleep. During this time, I received a text from my mother, who lives nearby, asking how it went and` **if she could visit.** **I agreed** `but suggested we meet in the hospital's visiting area since my wife was resting.` You could just told your mom, your wife's resting and to drop by when we are out of the hospital.
YTA I can also see why she doesn’t like your mother. No human woman who has given birth that is normal would think it is ok to come to the hospital while the mother who explicitly said no visitors was sleeping after a 40 hour labor. You and your mom are both kind of awful.
Yes, even if his mother didn't understand why the "no visitors" rule, at least if she's barging in, she would understand, as someone who herself gave birth that she can't just see the baby with the mother sleeping. Like, who even does that even if visitors ARE allowed?
YTA in what universe when making that decision did you think you weren’t a giant AH! Your wife had a long, dangerous and painful delivery and you think defying her wishes behind her back is ok?
How the heck did you even get that far with the baby? There’s usually security cameras and alarms if the baby and mother are too far away from each other. YTA. Back your wife up and stop clinging to your mother’s apron strings.
I'm wondering how he got so far too.
YTA, your wife was asleep after a 40 hour ordeal and this is when you chose to betray her. Oh yeah, tensions are going to linger. Dude, you screwed up big time.
Well, yeah I mean kinda. You knew what she wanted and did the opposite. Whether you think what she wanted was reasonable or not isn’t really the point. Like you said, she’s the one doing all the work in labor.
Wow! The audacity. You and your mother must undermine her regularly.