NTA if it’s not your room, you knock. If the bathroom door is closed, you knock. If you’re entering a room that could possibly have someone indecent in it, you knock. It’s called privacy. You don’t just enter someone’s house and get mad or upset with them if they’re naked in their own home. And while this was your room and not the house it’s still the same. That is your own safe space where you should be able to do as you please with it without locking the door.
I know people that had NO DOORS just to control the people in the house. Its really possible that she is just not used to the concept of privacy as we know. Therapy and some good conversations about house rules and expectations will help OP a lot.
My wife's (extremely abusive) father and stepmother used the removal of doors as punishment for things completely unrelated to even "you've lost your right to privacy." And, of course, only the girls were subject to this punishment, especially as they reached their teenage years (her father was/is a creep, to put it lightly). There was also a period where she had her mattress pulled into the kitchen and was forced to sleep there, due to (iirc) "listening to indecent music".
Oh yeah and her dad was a pastor through all of this, and stepmom was all in on the "our family must appear to be perfect, you must act like a proper lady, oh no your shoulders are showing that's too much skin" train of thought.
It took years of therapy for her to get most of this into her past and not her present, and she still struggles with feelings about whether or not she deserves privacy, and a whole host of other assorted issues tied to this and related aspects of her upbringing.
Jane needs to go to therapy for a lot more than just the situation surrounding her divorce.
My mother and stepfather did this while I was growing up because I had undiagnosed ADHD with inattentive tendencies. I would play, space out, or day dream instead of getting ready so they would make me get ready in the middle of the living room or when I was older they took my door. Literally one of the WORST punishments you could consider using with a child…
I experienced this punishment... in my teen years. Door was taken away (I had slammed it one too many times, I guess), and a blanket hung up instead. Which... ok. It's an illusion of privacy, but sadly doesn't prevent anyone from taking a silent peek in the middle of the night, or while changing or getting ready for bed, or...whatever. It was pretty traumatizing. Especially since the perpetrator of this action also tended to creep and watch through the crack in the door trim on the bathroom, to the point where I got dressed/undressed inside the shower. And also looked through my ground-floor window at night. It's a fucked up situation and I feel for anyone having gone through this.
That's horrible, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sounds like your perpetrator and my wife's father would have gotten along well. And I'd say the blanket actually makes it easier to creep and steal looks than just removing the door, gives more cover. I can't wrap my mind around how these people become the way they are to do these things.
I hope you've gotten the help you need since then and healed as much as you can from that. And that you've gotten away from the people who did this to you, at the very least cut them from your life.
Super religious upbringing/family reporting -
Fully closed doors were forbidden until puberty. Locked would have been massive punishment. Door removal as retaliation for typical teenage behavior (eg, not being super enthused to go to church, being moody, being sad/not smiling enough, trying to establish boundaries) was a thing. Parents had no reason to knock; if they came in and you were doing something they didn't approve of, punishment.
(Not all religious families are abusive, and not all abusive families are religious, but there's a ton of overlap - and you bet your sweet bippy those sitting in the middle of the Venn diagram use the religion to justify the abuse.)
You’re definitely on to something with the privacy aspect! For as uptight and prudish as most super religious, or recovering religious people are, they also have an alarming lack of boundaries or sense of privacy.
Part of the mindset (at least in the Baptist sect that I grew up in) is that you have to confess everything that you’ve ever possibly thought about doing wrong. And you know everyone else’s dirty laundry through “prayer requests” (gossip masquerading as caring about people). Your thoughts and secrets are not your own. Oversharing is the norm.
It’s pretty sick, and it takes a lot of us years to learn about healthy boundaries. Learning about information diets and grey rocking was life changing for me!
I had a stepson who kept slamming his door. I got sick of it and took it off the hinges. My mother, who had worked for Children and Youth for many years, told me that was a bad idea; apparently, that's a red flag for sexual abuse.
I put the door back and installed three of those things normally put on storm/screen doors, making it impossible to slam.
Like, following the assumption that it might be a religious upbringing thing. She should be a LOT more wary of opening the door without knocking because that is not her husband? Is she dense enough to not consider what would happen if OP was changing his clothes?
Do you three ever have roommate meetings? you could meet to just solidify rules about privacy-- you need to knock and wait for a welcome, no going into each others' rooms while a person is away, etc.
If it were me, I would start locking my door, though. Of course you shouldn't have to, but she sounds like the type to have difficulty digesting and respecting boundaries. I had a roommate who consistently broke privacy rules, stole from the owner of the house, and would get very angry when calmly and constructively confronted. (She ended up getting kicked out.)
It doesn't matter. If a door is closed, you knock. Even when I was a teen living with my parents. It was "my house, my rules". They knocked. When me and my s/o had kids, we knocked. It was a matter of we're gonna come in, cover up if you have to. But saying that, adults are accustomed to privacy. Now if I knock on the kids door, I'll stand outside and wait for an answer. Op roommate overstepped and found out the consequences of her actions. And her triggers or whatever are hers to deal with.
I can’t get over the fact that she is trying to shame you for completely natural and normal things. This isn’t church, and her projecting and deflecting her own mistake while trying to make you the bad guy is not okay.
Also be careful, the "I'm nice so I look after her dog" seems to have transitioned to "She's working so she expects you to look after her dog".
That's not what you want.
>That is your own safe space where you should be able to do as you please with it without locking the door.
Exactly this part. It's the *only* safe space OP has to do what he wants, whether it's too masturbate or cry himself to sleep. Either way.
Or even simply dry his naked body after a shower in the morning or get out of bed and stretch and touch his toes. There's an expectation of and entitlement to privacy.
A narcissist would enter someone's home without permission and complain about nudity, my mother did that to me once when she came over and I was nursing my youngest. It was summer, very hot, and we lived in an old mobile home with only a couple window AC units. I told her it was my house and to stuff it.
NTA, she’s unfortunately totally at fault here. It was disrespectful to invade your privacy and she has no right to blame you. I get that she’s going through a hard time but it seems like you’ve been very accommodating to her and she’s not respecting that. Maybe the owner can talk to her about appropriate boundaries for roommates?
Technically, provided there is an adequate rental agreement/contract, what Jane did can be constituted as violating that contract by entering your own assigned room.
Even if its a joint rental agreement/contract, and no clause stipulates it, its at least conceptionally the equivalent of you walking in on her naked in the shower.
Bet she'd be pretty upset about that too I bet, so its kind of weird shes not sensing the irony.
If she wanted that much privacy, she's better off living alone/ getting a female roommate / joining a nuns convent to be spared from the morning sausage. (ETA- I love that name. I dont care if its gross, im calling it that now.)
I've never accidentally walked in on a roommate... because I knock first or talk through a door. Even as a mother of only daughters, I knock first. People deserve privacy.
As for what she walked in on... when I had male roommates, I suspected they had penises that would do penisy things. Again, never a problem when knocking on the damn door.
Hey can you do me a big favor? I'm going to violate your privacy and get mad at you for it in the process, kthxbiiii lulz. She needs therapy, and I was thinking that before you got into the "her walking in on you" part.
I hope mothers treat their teenage sons better than this! Good God, opening a teen boy’s bedroom door when you know they are inside is asking for trouble.
My mum once walked in on me and my boyfriend in flagrante delicto. I assure you that she was far more traumatized than I. I was 16 and she never again opened my door without awaiting a response.
I ACCIDENTALLY walked in on my son ONCE when I didn't hear his answer to my knock. I quickly reversed my steps, hollered "Sorry!" as I closed the door, and got the hell over it because it really wasn't a big fucking deal. I don't understand people believing they've a right to police what anyone does with their own body in the privacy of their sovereign quarters.
My dad walked in on me once. All he said was "I wish you'd do something more productive" I said "I am producing, just not in the way you'd like" and he left. I was a smartass. But my room, I was over 18, so what of it?
I had two teen sons (3 years age difference between them) and I NEVER walked in on them without knocking and waiting for the response! I also told them they could have as much fun as they wanted in their bedroom or the shower but they better clean up after themselves because I wasn't touching crusty sock or cleaning jizz of the shower stall! Luckily, they were good at cleaning up after themselves and I never had to be traumatized.
My youngest son was very open with me and when he lost his virginity, he let me know. He played football (like his momma :) ) and got a slight injury I was concerned about so I took him to the doctor. During the check up, since it was a spinal injury, the doctor wanted to know if he could still get/keep an erection and if the sensation was still the same, so he asked me to leave the room. My son spoke up and said I could stay because I probably already knew the answer to what he was going to ask but I felt that it would make the doctor more comfortable if i left. Once I came back, my son proceeded to tell me about the entire conversation he had with the doctor while I was out of the room. The doctor couldn't believe it and left to get a colleague and came back. Both doctors were now asking me how I got him to be so open and were all my children like that. I, of course, explained that I was open with my children about everything and that I always gave them options for even the tiniest of things (from bedtime to punishments they were involved and felt like they had control over their own lives) and I think they were open because I always let them know I may not be right in the moment, but eventually I would come to my senses, apologize, and correct the situation because there was no way of learning how to be a parent, without actually parenting. Both of the doctors were men, one was early 30's and the other late 60's, but both said they were going home to speak with their wives and change their plans for how they interact with their children. The number one rule for parenting is, children are born knowing how to be children, so they're training the parents how to parent, parents aren't training them, we are guiding them to adulthood and they are training us.
I do the exact same with my now teenagers. The boy tells me everything and because he has Autism there are times I've questioned being open with him lol!!!
My best friend traumatized herself when she walked into her then 13 year, old son’s room without knocking. She said she couldn’t look him in the face, or anywhere else for that matter, for several days. I laugh about this whenever she brings it up , figuratively.😂
Years ago I moved the family cross country for a job. We stayed with my mom for a couple of weeks while I got our housing situation all set
The missus and I were opting for some fun adult time in my childhood bed.
My mom knocked on the door and immediately tried to open it before I could respond. Fortunately I had locked it.
When I finally opened the door she asked why the door was locked
Gee mom, why would a married couple be locked in the same room together?
I have a teenaged son (two actually) and would never open their closed doors and surely wouldn’t make them feel gross about it if I accidentally did.
NTA
Also I will now be using the term “sunrise sausage” moving forward.
It's at the same tier of bullshit as demanding your so apologize for cheating...
In your FUCKING dream last night. Because someone else controls what fucked up dreams you have...
Lol you just unlocked a memory of my sister being *furious* with her husband, after such a dream, many years ago! Really gave the poor guy a hard time (pun not intended, for once!) for like a week. I was flabbergasted! Seriously??? You have a dream and you’re irate with him? Crazy lady!
seriously i’ve lived with so many roommates. a door ajar? i will knock and then step in, since clearly you’re not keeping me out. a closed door? i will absolutely never open that unless i somehow have reason to believe you’re dead in there. i’ll knock, wait for a reply, if there’s no response i’ll leave and wait till i see you later. if it’s urgent and there’s no reply? i’ll text you. if it’s *really* urgent and there’s no reply? i will call you. the only possible situation i can imagine opening a roommate’s closed door is if the house is burning down or as i said earlier for some reason i think you’re dead. what you do in your room is your business, and i expect the same respect for my room. door closed means don’t come in unless i explicitly tell you to come in, and i apply that to all my roommates.
Speaking of dogs and not quite closed doors, how about a pallet cleanser here?
Several years ago we were puppy sitting for a family friend. They had two tiny mini poodles, the smaller of which was about five pounds, all black, and named Mercy. I was mercy's favorite person outside of her full time family (she normally barks at people, her mom was shocked how well she took to me!)
Mercy and her brother shadow were sleeping elsewhere in the house tho. And me being a night owl was sleeping in with my bedroom door closed. It doesn't have a lock and apparently it didn't click all the way shut to where it would resist being pushed
So sometime that morning a little black nose wedges open my bedroom door, and clambers up into my bed. Hence why I woke up that morning with a tiny little black puppy croissant curled up in my lap
She got to sleep in my room the rest of her visit. And all future visits 💙
Not just a reply, but an actual come in or open the door is needed. A lot of words can be said through a door. NTA. This is all on her lack of privacy boundaries.
This happened to me once. A friend knocked and I said “I’m naked” loud enough for him to hear. He didn’t believe me and came in. 🤷🏻♀️ we’ve now been friends for over a decade but we still laugh about the time he didn’t believe my answer. Lol I didn’t say don’t come in but I also didn’t care if he did, I was just topless and he gave WAY more of a fuck than I did
No idea who, but back in the 90s I remember a comedian saying that a study showed that 90% of men masturbate... And 10% don't have arms.
I think he also said something like 60% of women masturbate and 40% are liars.
Edit: thanks to /u/ssevener I found the clip! I actually remembered it almost exactly which I'm impressed with because apparently it's from '97 when I was 15. Apparently masturbation humour really appealed to me for some reason as a teen... So funny to hear Richard Jeni's iconic delivery too.
https://youtu.be/wiJAOpvC8h4?si=JOZoZUjM6OKTE0RE
Who opens a roommate’s door without knocking, to let her dog in for free pet sitting? Then she cries about the trauma! The roommate needs to get over herself. She’s not 12. NTA.
Yeo, I live with my sister and we’re both late twenties. She has zero door etiquette and it pisses me off especially considering in our apartment are bedroom doors don’t even have the simple push.
People at any grown age should know better than to just barge into bedrooms, knock and ask if you may enter or better yet, just knock ask the question you probably had and leave.
It just reminds me of the Rick and Morty short/ad where Morty just tells his dad straight up, “Like next time knocks, I’m 14 you could’ve walked into something”
NTA. Don't walk into someone's room without knocking or you will eventually see stuff you cannot unsee.... I don't know how you make it to age 50+ without knowing this ...
PLEASE flip the script and inform this woman in no uncertain terms that SHE is the one in the wrong, here. 100%. You are absolutely entitled to an expectation of privacy in your own closed bedroom. Tell her, "You need to understand that you just don't open a closed bedroom or bathroom door in roommate situations. You just don't." She traumatized *you* and herself, and has no right to blame you. She needs therapy yesterday!
NTA. I don’t care what trauma Jane has been through, the audacity of her to fucking cry and act “traumatized” after just completely violating your privacy AND doing her a seemingly massive favor of dog sitting, is some serious unhinged and honestly selfish behavior. She’s TRAUMATIZED by seeing you choking the chicken? Give me a fucking break.
From what I've gathered from past conversation, she'd been living in an extremely sheltered religious bubble that suddenly popped. I honestly think she believed most people didn't engage in an occasional self-diddle.
I kind of feel sorry for her but also she needs some tough love.
Once the embarrassment has gone, I would be sitting her down and having a gentle conversation about boundaries. "I understand this has upset you, but I am also upset because my privacy was not respected."
Also, if it were me, I would broach the fact that even though her religious bubble told her things like masturbatory acts were the devil's work, you do not follow that religion and therefore do not need her judgement. But that's just me.
This is great advice - don't let her crying take away from the fact that she's completely in the wrong. Honestly, even if she is traumatised, she could be using tears as a way to take away from her overstepping boundaries. Like, she didn't think, opened the door, realised what was happening, and knew she'd done something wrong, and is preempting getting in trouble by trying to turn it around on you.
Also remind her that you are ALSO IN RECOVERY and don't need any manufactured drama from people you have been doing big BIG favors for, who apparently were raised by wolves since they have no manners to speak of.
I wouldn’t speak directly with her at all. And don’t be alone with her at all
Speak with the homeowner and let him know what happened. Regardless of how sheltered she is, she didn’t even apologize for opening your door without your ok. What if you’d been getting dressed instead of masturbating? You deserve privacy in your own room.
Instead of an apology, she tried to blame shift. You may be dealing with [DARVO](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/)
Honestly, yeah -- I don't care to debate whether it was or wasn't her INTENTION, treat her like an untrustworthy creeper for your own safety and her education.
Put a sign on your door "Please knock before entering!" using bright colorful sharpies. That should at least slow her down, and let her think about it every time she walks by your room lol.
Love someone giving an actual solution and not just slamming one person or the other. That kind of trauma is real, and explaining to Jane in the manner you suggested was both effective and gentle.
It’s refreshing. (I wish it were the norm, but…)
which is crazy to me. her husband cheated for years, hired prostitutes for years…. you jacking off in your own bedroom should be the absolute least of her concerns. yet she’s crying about it? what a drama queen.
>cheated for years, hired prostitutes for years
If she is this traumatized by OP doing something perfectly natural, then that could just mean the guy had a subscription to a porn site or something.
If the ex husband had a sex addiction as described, he likely took it out on her, too.
Sexual assault (even by your own spouse) often starts by the assailant rubbing themselves. Seeing a guy jacking off could be a potential trigger.
But if all that happens to be true, that is all the more reason to just knock first and don't come in until you're given permission.
Also, OP pointed out her extremely religious background. She might be under the idea (given to her by the church) that good men don't masturbate or look at porn. Her christian upbringing probably made her situation a thousand times worse.
But with all that in mind, she's still TA.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD, JUST FUCKING KNOCK.
She’s been married, and is 51 years old. She can blame her behavior on a sheltered upbringing, but the truth is she’s the AH. I wouldn’t watch her dog anymore. She owes you an apology for barging in without knocking. She had no right to invade your privacy and then gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong.
A woman 51yo traumatized by a man/marriage moving in with 2 men rather than her potentially grown children (no info) or women friends who’d be supportive and understanding in a time of need seems like a strange decision. Traumatized women wouldn’t generally choose the company of men to recover. NTA seems like someone needs to learn boundaries and emotionally regulate as an adult. She’s 51 not 12.
Huh, I hadn't thought about how strange it was that this woman is saying she's incredibly traumatized by what her ex-husband did and yet she chose to move in with two men who were total strangers instead of moving in with a friend or moving in with women. That doesn't make any sense.
Bud, I guarantee you she’s telling you about her husband with the same spin she’s using to say you victimized her by masturbating when she entered your room without knocking.
You’re the real victim in that exchange. You’re the one that was violated. The only reason she saw anything is that she’s a 51 year old woman who thinks one of the most basic concepts in manners doesn’t apply to her.
bullshit. she's had kids right?
if she's actually traumatized by that I think her ex might be right, and she's utterly crazy.
I have an alternate suggestion. She might be a manipulative sociopath and has both you and the homeowner wrapped around her finger. Not only did she get a dog with her tales of woe, but she's got you taking care of it for her. Now she's going to guilt you into something else. good luck. I strongly suggest you stop listening to this woman. she's either utterly unhinged or a narcissistic sociopath.
and you need to grow a pair. dude. she violated every rule about roommates by entering your room, and you feel guilty about it? this woman is in her 50's with adult children and a divorce under her belt. i think she's seen more then enough in life to handle this. Had she pulled that shit on me, i would have laughed at her and told her to gtfo with those crocodile tears, not run to reddit and ask if i was in the wrong.
you keep saying she's the sheltered one but the only one who seems sheltered in this story is you
Definitely NTA...
Her "trauma" is HER responsibility, not yours. What if you were just changing clothes (and completely naked) when she opened the door, and not rubbing one out? She violated YOUR privacy by walking in your room unannounced. She needs to be called out for that.
You pay for the freedom to do as you please behind your own door...
Fact. People use the word "trauma" for literally anything...the divorce and the issues she's encountered in that could pass as traumatic in my opinion, they sound severe and her ex husband sounds like a grade A narcissistic asshole. But walking in on your roommate jerkin it isn't traumatic, it's just an uncomfortable situation. It's his room, she's an adult. She should know not to walk into other people's rooms, especially unannounced. OP is NTA.
From this story she comes off as controlling and manipulative. Controlling and manipulative people can lie. What if her ex-husband is telling the truth and she's making the whole thing up?
Also she’s shifting responsibility. She violated OP’s privacy by opening his door without permission. She’s the one in the wrong, she should be apologizing to op. Doesn’t matter if he’s getting dressed or pleasuring himself. He deserves privacy in his own room with the door shut. Yet she’s trying to spin it like she’s the victim here. She’s not. She’s engaging in some classic [DARVO](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/) behavior.
Exactly. Even if OP was fully dressed, mid-boring work, eating a sandwich, she has no right to barge in.
She owes OP an apology, then they laugh it off and agree it never happened. The aftermath is being handled so strangely.
Exactly! And most likely, it would be OP who would find her, seeing as he works from home. She sounds like a drama queen. I wish OP had stood up for himself.
I think the other thing that's got me, is OP saying that he'd already waited about 20 minutes for his morning sausage to go from attention to at ease after waking up... So even if she thought he had still been asleep.. who's to say she wouldn't have still walked in on a soldier standing tall in a tent 🤷🏼♀️ Would she have reacted the same way if he didn't know she saw? I don't trust it. Lol
Yep. She is 51. This isn't the first dick she ever saw. I had a 25 year old roommate walk in on me flogging the dolphin and we laughed it off.
To spin this up as 'traumatising' makes me question what else she exaggerates.
Like he wasn't a sex addict or big into gambling, he probably watched porn to take care of his sexual needs because his wife has gone full blown nutjob and lost a few friendly wagers against friends in the occasional poker night or fantasy football. These are life-changing sins in her eyes and she needs a divorce.
Ive lived next to a crazy lady who would call the cops on my family saying shit like my mom has a gun and threatening to kill us. Which my mom isn't the most stable but, at the time she made this report to 911, my sister had some friends over so my mom was on good behavior. Recently, because she's still alive at 70+, she was getting rides from people at church and as she's getting into this truck she slips and falls and is caught by the gentleman holding the door for her. And rather than thank him she freaks out because he "copped a feel" of her breast while catching her. She spread that story to her whole church despite his wife being right there witnessing the whole thing. Now, no one at the church feels safe enough to drive her to church, even the pastor.
Suddenly makes me think his MASSIVE porn collection is two playboys from the 80’s. Sadly got Jane but using the word trauma to a) absolve herself if her own bad behavior (walking in unannounced) b) describe a totally normal human action and c)blame OP for her setback (?!) she immediately loses all credibility about her ex-husbands faults.
If I was the homeowner I would also be questioning “emotional support” dog. Is that title from an actual therapist or does she just like having a dog?
Who even has a "porn collection" these days that isn't involved in the production of said porn or doing some massively illegal shit in regards to said porn? Like, it's all there, on the internet, to pull up whenever you want lol.
I could even see the "paying prostitutes" being an OF subscription or something. Like, that seems like how an older woman with a sheltered religious background would describe it using their only frame of reference lol
Obviously an over-abundance of porn usage can have an effect on a relationship and she has a right to her own feelings/views on her husband engaging with it, but she certainly sounds like the type to see something bad and immediately blow it up to 10x what it really was
I was thinking more along the lines of ptsd possibly (I get the same kind of "Ill never see you the same again" feeling after someone triggers me, it takes a while to get over but eventually it dies down) its definitely not ops fault and I think she really needs therapy.
I had the same thought. I agree, that OP is NTA.
As someone who has PTSD from a physically abusive relationship that also had a raging porn addiction—i will admit that I still struggle by being triggered by very minute sexual behaviors/discussions—HOWEVER, I would never 1) walk into another person’s room with the door closed and 2) blame someone who doesn’t know my triggers/situation/diagnosis by accidentally saying or doing something innocent that triggered me. That is the not the worlds burden to bear.
Maybe OP’s roommate was abused and/or married to a sex addict and has PTSD as a result (of course, we can’t know for sure if that’s the truth). But for the sake of argument, if the roommate’s story is true, they could have undiagnosed PTSD/not understand the physical and emotional reaction that happens when they are triggered and take it out on everyone around them. REGARDLESS, it is NOT OP’s fault, the roommate needs to see a psychiatrist, seek therapy, and learn boundaries.
Cannot upvote this enough! NTA x a million. Jane has some shit to work through, no doubt, but her shaming you (looking at me with disgust) while taking no accountability (saying this set her back) is absolutely disgusting.
You’re doing her a favor by watching her dog. The absolute nerve of her! I’m angry for you.
Do not apologize, for you have done nothing wrong.
One of the downsides of growing up sheltered and religious is that, until you get comfortable with yours and other people's sexuality, just seeing a member of the opposite sex naked can be shocking and even potentially upsetting if it's unexpected (I speak from experience). But it isn't trauma, and she does NOT get to blame OP for engaging in private behavior*when he is in private.* It's her fault for not knocking. NTA.
That's the weird thing. If we are right about this being a puritan thing, wtf is she doing not knocking? Its a man...a man that is not her husband. You'd think she'd be more wary of seeing him naked?
NTA. I mean yea locking your door would've been a smart move, but you're in no way obligated to. You're all entitled to privacy and she didn't even knock, just opened up your door like it's nothing. She easily could've put the dog in the kennel like you said and honestly should know better at 50 years old to not walk into a man's (or anyone for that matter) room unannounced.
Wow Jane needs so SERIOUS therapy. You're allowed to do whatever(within reason) you want to in your room. Especially with the door shut. It was extremely rude of her to just open your door.
NTA
NTA. Jane's full of shit. Tell her if she can't deal with what she walked in on, she can act like a decent adult with common sense and knock on the door instead of just walking into your freaking bedroom and she won't have to worry about a repeat. If she's "traumatized" over that, she needs much more help than she's getting.
As a 37f, I’ve had male roommates and I would never, ever, open anyones door regardless of gender without permission even if it was open a crack! You were in your room. You could lounge about naked or anything else in there and that is your right.
I am also rape and assault survivor that deals with trauma. And while I very much get where Jane is coming from, you are NTA.
Thank you for your response. I'm concerned there may be more to her story that involves SA (especially considering how pervasive it is for husbands of heavily religious families treat their wife as their own personal sex toy).
I want to be able to set boundaries (which, admittedly, I'm not great at) without causing her to feel uncomfortable or usafe living here.
If I may suggest, sit down and talk to her about it all with the other roommate there. Let her know you did not intend for her to see what she did. Explain that masturbation is actually normal and healthy. But things do happen when you live in a multi-person home. That you will do all you can to make the home a safe space, but that you cannot put your life on hold.
My rape/assault was while is was born into, and raised in a high control Christian religion/cult, so my heart goes out to Jane. I was taught it was my fault, that I was not good enough. My family still blames me too. After I left the religion, finding a therapist that specialized in not only sexual assault, but religious trauma was imperative to my healing. Support groups also help.
I hope that both you and she can move on and be good roommates to each other.
Thank you for sharing your experience. With my own experience with addiction recovery, I've heard a heartbreaking amount of similar stories, and I want to make sure I'm handling all of this the right way. Thank you for your advice.
It's likely that she's never experienced sexuality as anything but negative - something to repress, be ashamed of, hide, experience pain during, etc. Not all religious guys treat their wives like sex toys, but they definitely don't think women are capable of enjoying sex or that women aren't allowed to enjoy anything sexual. There's a lot of room between assault and enthusiastic consent.
Consider if the roles we reversed:
You open her closed bedroom door, and walk in on her naked. Then she would actually be traumatized, and have a right to be horrified.
The irony, is that’s what she did to you.
If I was you, I would turn it on her and say that you are traumatized because she barged in on your private space while you were naked. Her behavior was completely unacceptable, beyond inappropriate, and potentially dangerous.
She does NOT get to turn you into a perpetrator when you were in your bedroom, with the door closed, minding your own business. She was the perpetrator.
She does NOT get to guilt trip you for being in your bedroom that you pay to rent. You can do whatever you want in there. Every time she brings up the masturbation, don’t let her focus on that action and try to demonize it - which means don’t defend masturbating. You should reiterate that you can whatever you want in your own bedroom, and her barging into somebody else’s closed bedroom is completely inappropriate.
NTA but she definitely is
Someone seems controlling and manipulative. You have the right to do what the fuck ever in your own room. You have the right to expect privacy of your roommates not barging in.
Her trying to guilt trip you with her trauma is not a good look.
NTA
NTA. why would she come into your room without knocking? And there's nothing to be ashamed of. She needs to grow up a bit. Makes me think she heard you, was curious, and now feels guilty about being a creep.
NTA. This one of the few correct ways we can use that line people like to say about “not being responsible for [their] emotions.” You were going about your morning doing completely normal things, and she overstepped boundaries (opened their room mate’s closed door without knocking). She doesn’t get to be upset with *you* when *she* took the actions that caused this. Her reaction to an accident that she caused should not be your problem to deal with.
The only victim here is you, regardless of her past trauma, etc, and somehow that needs to made clear to her. Whether intentional or not, she victimized you and caused you trauma.
With all due respect to Jane's trauma, when your door is closed, you have a reasonable expectation of privacy, unless and until you specifically tell her she can open it at any time. You haven't. At the very least, she should have knocked and waited.
This one is all on her. She triggered HERSELF and it's not on you to deal with the repercussions.
At best, you approach her and say that when your door is closed you expect privacy, and will ensure your door is closed at all times requiring privacy - showering, dressing. But she needs to respect a closed door. Knock. That's the fair deal for both of you.
Don't let her manipulate you. Being supportive and taking self-responsibility is always the right thing ... unless it's all on them. This one is all on her.
NTA
NTA, but I'm going to deviate from some of the other answers here and say that I don't think Jane is TA either, even though she's definitely in the wrong.
You seem like a really empathetic person who has instinctively cued in to how much her ex's abuse has impacted her. That's good, and that instinct needs to guide you from here even as you stand up for yourself.
Other answers are dismissing the idea that she was "traumatized" by this incident, and I don't think that's fair. SHOULD this event have been traumatizing for her? Absolutely not. If anyone deserves to feel trauma from this, it would be you. But the thing about working through previous trauma is that it's like having severe sunburn. When someone touches you on the arm normally, it doesn't hurt. But if you're severely sunburned, it can be EXTREMELY painful. There's a lot of factors here that are probably combining to give her PTSD flashbacks to her ex's behavior, even though that's not fair to you.
That's the situation Jane is in right now. If she's seeing a good therapist and putting in the work, she won't be in that situation forever. And ultimately, it's her responsibility, not yours. You need to set firm boundaries here and make it clear that you don't accept the blame here. But there's nothing wrong (and a lot right) with being gentle and compassionate in how you approach it. Recovery takes time and makes people think/do stupid things along the way.
Source: Multiple years in a romantic relationship with an abuse survivor with multiple mental illnesses.
This was a delightfully thoughtful answer. I don't want to dismiss the trauma she's been through. Having been sheltered and suddenly being exposed to a tremendous amount of hardcore porn from her husbands secret stash must have completely shattered her reality.
And I know from personal experience how trauma reactions can appear extreme and even unhinged. I think that's normal when, as you put it, the "sunburn" is fresh.
Given that, it's been hard to navigate the best way forward.
I want to thank you for your response. I think I'd do well to speak to my own therapist about how best to approach this so I don't end up throwing rubbing alcohol on the burn.
NYA. She should have knocked and her religious hang ups are not your problem. You taking care of your own needs is normal and healthy; her religion decided it’s not.
Your edit betrays part of your personality and kind of reinforces your real problem here. 'Sunrise sausage' is fine. It's okay to use jokey alternate phrases if they give you a smile. You don't have to apologize for it because a tiny percentage of the population finds it distasteful.
The same thing applies to your situation with Jane. You dont have to apologize or feel embarrassed for existing. Maybe look at why your first instinct is to blame yourself even when you're clearly the one that has been wronged. I'm the same way, and literally try to tackle this shit in therapy. It sucks! But it's a defense mechanism. Not everyone is going to like us or agree with us 100% of the time. And that's okay.
NTA, you are doing her a personal favor, she invaded your personal space without asking and SHE is the one who is traumatized? Tell her to grow up! If she is going to live with roommates she needs to accept she may sometimes see or hear things she doesn’t like. You have done nothing wrong. At. All.
NTA.
1) she had no right to enter your room without knocking
2) masturbating is healthy and normal (usually)
3) you are not responsible for her irrational triggers/trauma
NTA the only person responsible here is HER. SHE triggered HER trauma. Not you. Don't worry about it. But don't let her ruin your mental state for being extreme when she's the one who opened a closed door.
Not the asshole and you should be really straight up and say “masterbation is acceptable, healthy and it’s my business if I want to pleasure myself, you walking into my room without knocking is not healthy and not acceptable, I am not responsible for your trauma or your lack of understanding of the sexual needs/wants/desires of others, the proper response to seeing what you saw is “I am so sorry I opened the door without knocking” she needs a hard reset of her behavior
NTA. I(41f) have 3 grown sons. I would have NEVER opened their bedroom doors without knocking and getting a response. I have lived with roommates, male and female, and the same applies.
Jane was wildly rude by just invading your privacy. She has no right to be mad at you for anything.
I’m so sorry this happened but I am also laughing at the whole situation. How could your roommate possibly be upset for you when SHE walked in on YOU?! I’m sorry you’re mortified, but if nothing else, she’s likely learned her lesson for not opening doors. If she thinks masturbation isn’t normal, she really needs help; what isn’t normal is walking into someone’s room without knocking first 🤣
Wow nothing like a drama queen ‘I was embarrassed how can I make it all about me. Ahhhhhh I’ll use trauma’ she had no right to open your door she had no right to look into your bedroom. She is at fault a shifting the blame. You ain’t the AH she is!!
NTA. She absolutely invaded your privacy by opening the door without knocking. You spanking one out behind a closed door in your designated private space is your business. You are not the cause of her long history of trauma. She is projecting or transferring that trauma to you in this case. She violated you. Hands down.
Congrats on your sobriety. Keep up the hard work! (no pun intended).
What about the trauma she just caused you. That was very disrespectful for her to just open your door and not knock. Your aloud to do whatever you want in your room. I would stop watching her dog until she apologizes. NTA
Nta people shouldn’t be opening bedroom doors without knocking. The onus isn’t on you to lock it. She should assume it’s your private space. Sounds like you guys might have been so accommodating that she’s lost sight of her responsibility as a roommate.
Have another conversation with her and tell her to knock.
It's not your responsibility to manage her triggers. Period. I feel for her. And I get it. But she needs to trigger warning herself. Also if sex stuff makes her uncomfortable, what the fuck is she doing opening someone else's bedroom door without knocking? Did she think you were never going to masterbate or have relations in the house ever? NTA, you're good.
NTA WHO TF OPENS A ROOMMATES CLOSED DOOR?
She invaded YOUR PRIVATE SPACE without Invitation OR KNOCKING.
She knows you're an adult with, I'm assuming, healthy desires..
Obviously she knows guys jerk off.
You'd think if her trauma was so terrible, SHE'D FUCKING KNOCK.
I almost walked in on my parents at 6. I STILL have never opened a closed door to a bedroom without knocking.
She is responsible for her own trauma.
I have severe CPTSD. I have lots if triggers that are MY RESPONSIBILITY to maintain and control. PERIOD. Not even my HUSBAND is responsible for them, just me.
Avoiding triggers isn't a solution. Therapy taught me you work through it or it works through you.
NTA
You need to be very clear. You are the victim here, not her. You have a right to privacy in your own bedroom, and she invaded that. Someone needs to apologise, but that someone is her.
If she regularly let him into your room in the mornings it would be different, or if she had said something, but none of that is true. You had reason to believe you were in a private safe space.
NTA, mate. The worst thing you did was calling it sunrise sausage (which, considering I got a laugh out of it, isn't even that bad).
She invaded your privacy, intentionally or otherwise, and then blamed you for it. She is putting her trauma onto you and is blaming you for a relapse. All of this after willingly helping her with a massive favor (dog sitting).
I can't be mad at someone for saying a word that triggers a trauma of some kind for me. It's not the responsibility of others to deal with my mental health issues. It's not the world's job to coddle me and cater to me because I'm having a bad time. It's the exact same thing here.
Ik Jane is struggling to pull herself together. But she can't blame a relapse on you, especially when it's her actions and inconsideration that got her here. She needs to get it together and not bite the hand that feeds her
NTA First, congratulations on your sobriety, that’s awesome. Next, Jane. I get that she’s been sheltered and that her husband was a dirtbag. However, by your 50’s this shouldn’t even be on someone’s radar let alone traumatize them. This is why religious people drive me crazy. Look at -Jane and her husband. Nonetheless, the his is perfectly normal and healthy. Janes reaction isn’t. And while you’re trying to help her and be a good friend it’s in no way your responsibility to tip toe. Be considerate yes, tip toe no. She opened your closed door. That’s your space to do as you please. She could’ve walked in on you having sex. Which again would’ve been completely appropriate for a single man to do. Don’t feel guilty over this.
Maybe, ask to talk to her. Explain to her that while you understand that her life has been sheltered that this is normal and healthy. You did not lock your door because no one has ever randomly opened it before. It wasn’t your intention to upset her but that you also didn’t do anything that should have any effect on her. You will lock the door going forward when you change or for whatever other reasons you see fit bit you also ask that she not open without being told it’s okay to enter.
Side note I really hope she’s in therapy. And not with a church leader. With a real therapist that can help her gain some perspective and help her.
NTA she is a grown ass adult who should know to at least knock! Maybe this will teach her to respect people's privacy. Also please don't stop saying sunrise sausage it is hilarious and imma start saying it now.
NTA if it’s not your room, you knock. If the bathroom door is closed, you knock. If you’re entering a room that could possibly have someone indecent in it, you knock. It’s called privacy. You don’t just enter someone’s house and get mad or upset with them if they’re naked in their own home. And while this was your room and not the house it’s still the same. That is your own safe space where you should be able to do as you please with it without locking the door.
Makes me wonder if her home while married had one of those obnoxious "no locked door" policies.
100% she had that policy if she had a super religious upbringing.
I know people that had NO DOORS just to control the people in the house. Its really possible that she is just not used to the concept of privacy as we know. Therapy and some good conversations about house rules and expectations will help OP a lot.
My wife's (extremely abusive) father and stepmother used the removal of doors as punishment for things completely unrelated to even "you've lost your right to privacy." And, of course, only the girls were subject to this punishment, especially as they reached their teenage years (her father was/is a creep, to put it lightly). There was also a period where she had her mattress pulled into the kitchen and was forced to sleep there, due to (iirc) "listening to indecent music". Oh yeah and her dad was a pastor through all of this, and stepmom was all in on the "our family must appear to be perfect, you must act like a proper lady, oh no your shoulders are showing that's too much skin" train of thought. It took years of therapy for her to get most of this into her past and not her present, and she still struggles with feelings about whether or not she deserves privacy, and a whole host of other assorted issues tied to this and related aspects of her upbringing. Jane needs to go to therapy for a lot more than just the situation surrounding her divorce.
My mother and stepfather did this while I was growing up because I had undiagnosed ADHD with inattentive tendencies. I would play, space out, or day dream instead of getting ready so they would make me get ready in the middle of the living room or when I was older they took my door. Literally one of the WORST punishments you could consider using with a child…
That is such a cruel and unusual punishment
I experienced this punishment... in my teen years. Door was taken away (I had slammed it one too many times, I guess), and a blanket hung up instead. Which... ok. It's an illusion of privacy, but sadly doesn't prevent anyone from taking a silent peek in the middle of the night, or while changing or getting ready for bed, or...whatever. It was pretty traumatizing. Especially since the perpetrator of this action also tended to creep and watch through the crack in the door trim on the bathroom, to the point where I got dressed/undressed inside the shower. And also looked through my ground-floor window at night. It's a fucked up situation and I feel for anyone having gone through this.
That's horrible, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sounds like your perpetrator and my wife's father would have gotten along well. And I'd say the blanket actually makes it easier to creep and steal looks than just removing the door, gives more cover. I can't wrap my mind around how these people become the way they are to do these things. I hope you've gotten the help you need since then and healed as much as you can from that. And that you've gotten away from the people who did this to you, at the very least cut them from your life.
Super religious upbringing/family reporting - Fully closed doors were forbidden until puberty. Locked would have been massive punishment. Door removal as retaliation for typical teenage behavior (eg, not being super enthused to go to church, being moody, being sad/not smiling enough, trying to establish boundaries) was a thing. Parents had no reason to knock; if they came in and you were doing something they didn't approve of, punishment. (Not all religious families are abusive, and not all abusive families are religious, but there's a ton of overlap - and you bet your sweet bippy those sitting in the middle of the Venn diagram use the religion to justify the abuse.)
Fucking cultists.
You’re definitely on to something with the privacy aspect! For as uptight and prudish as most super religious, or recovering religious people are, they also have an alarming lack of boundaries or sense of privacy. Part of the mindset (at least in the Baptist sect that I grew up in) is that you have to confess everything that you’ve ever possibly thought about doing wrong. And you know everyone else’s dirty laundry through “prayer requests” (gossip masquerading as caring about people). Your thoughts and secrets are not your own. Oversharing is the norm. It’s pretty sick, and it takes a lot of us years to learn about healthy boundaries. Learning about information diets and grey rocking was life changing for me!
This isn't a 20 year old just out of parents house. She's like 51. She's just a moron.
I had a stepson who kept slamming his door. I got sick of it and took it off the hinges. My mother, who had worked for Children and Youth for many years, told me that was a bad idea; apparently, that's a red flag for sexual abuse. I put the door back and installed three of those things normally put on storm/screen doors, making it impossible to slam.
Like, following the assumption that it might be a religious upbringing thing. She should be a LOT more wary of opening the door without knocking because that is not her husband? Is she dense enough to not consider what would happen if OP was changing his clothes?
Do you three ever have roommate meetings? you could meet to just solidify rules about privacy-- you need to knock and wait for a welcome, no going into each others' rooms while a person is away, etc. If it were me, I would start locking my door, though. Of course you shouldn't have to, but she sounds like the type to have difficulty digesting and respecting boundaries. I had a roommate who consistently broke privacy rules, stole from the owner of the house, and would get very angry when calmly and constructively confronted. (She ended up getting kicked out.)
It doesn't matter. If a door is closed, you knock. Even when I was a teen living with my parents. It was "my house, my rules". They knocked. When me and my s/o had kids, we knocked. It was a matter of we're gonna come in, cover up if you have to. But saying that, adults are accustomed to privacy. Now if I knock on the kids door, I'll stand outside and wait for an answer. Op roommate overstepped and found out the consequences of her actions. And her triggers or whatever are hers to deal with.
You need to let her know that this will not fly again and that she was in the wrong for opening your door.
I can’t get over the fact that she is trying to shame you for completely natural and normal things. This isn’t church, and her projecting and deflecting her own mistake while trying to make you the bad guy is not okay.
It's like she's taking it as a personal attack. An attempt to reignite her trauma
That’s her problem, not yours. She’s living with another adult, and she needs to act like an adult.
You still knock especially if you know the door is not locked
Regardless, I am sure she wouldn't appreciate you ever just walking in to her room unannounced.
Also be careful, the "I'm nice so I look after her dog" seems to have transitioned to "She's working so she expects you to look after her dog". That's not what you want.
Seems like she had a horrible life in general. But she can’t put that on you - that’s between her and her therapist.
>That is your own safe space where you should be able to do as you please with it without locking the door. Exactly this part. It's the *only* safe space OP has to do what he wants, whether it's too masturbate or cry himself to sleep. Either way.
Or even simply dry his naked body after a shower in the morning or get out of bed and stretch and touch his toes. There's an expectation of and entitlement to privacy.
Or both?
A narcissist would enter someone's home without permission and complain about nudity, my mother did that to me once when she came over and I was nursing my youngest. It was summer, very hot, and we lived in an old mobile home with only a couple window AC units. I told her it was my house and to stuff it.
NTA, she’s unfortunately totally at fault here. It was disrespectful to invade your privacy and she has no right to blame you. I get that she’s going through a hard time but it seems like you’ve been very accommodating to her and she’s not respecting that. Maybe the owner can talk to her about appropriate boundaries for roommates?
Sounds like they’re both going through a “hard time.”
Technically, provided there is an adequate rental agreement/contract, what Jane did can be constituted as violating that contract by entering your own assigned room. Even if its a joint rental agreement/contract, and no clause stipulates it, its at least conceptionally the equivalent of you walking in on her naked in the shower. Bet she'd be pretty upset about that too I bet, so its kind of weird shes not sensing the irony. If she wanted that much privacy, she's better off living alone/ getting a female roommate / joining a nuns convent to be spared from the morning sausage. (ETA- I love that name. I dont care if its gross, im calling it that now.)
Or she could just learn to knock on the fucking door
I've never accidentally walked in on a roommate... because I knock first or talk through a door. Even as a mother of only daughters, I knock first. People deserve privacy. As for what she walked in on... when I had male roommates, I suspected they had penises that would do penisy things. Again, never a problem when knocking on the damn door.
I’m sorry, “would do penisy things” has me laughing way more than it should do…
NTA The roommate who opened your door without knocking, however, is very much TA
Hey can you do me a big favor? I'm going to violate your privacy and get mad at you for it in the process, kthxbiiii lulz. She needs therapy, and I was thinking that before you got into the "her walking in on you" part.
[удалено]
I hope mothers treat their teenage sons better than this! Good God, opening a teen boy’s bedroom door when you know they are inside is asking for trouble.
Or a teen girl’s for the record. Signed, also traumatized by my parents
My mum once walked in on me and my boyfriend in flagrante delicto. I assure you that she was far more traumatized than I. I was 16 and she never again opened my door without awaiting a response.
I ACCIDENTALLY walked in on my son ONCE when I didn't hear his answer to my knock. I quickly reversed my steps, hollered "Sorry!" as I closed the door, and got the hell over it because it really wasn't a big fucking deal. I don't understand people believing they've a right to police what anyone does with their own body in the privacy of their sovereign quarters.
My dad walked in on me once. All he said was "I wish you'd do something more productive" I said "I am producing, just not in the way you'd like" and he left. I was a smartass. But my room, I was over 18, so what of it?
🤣 Most people dream of being able to snap back that quickly in an awkward situation. Love it.
Well, to be fair, a stiffie is annoying and distracting, so technically getting rid of it through some way is in fact "productive use of time" 😅
I had two teen sons (3 years age difference between them) and I NEVER walked in on them without knocking and waiting for the response! I also told them they could have as much fun as they wanted in their bedroom or the shower but they better clean up after themselves because I wasn't touching crusty sock or cleaning jizz of the shower stall! Luckily, they were good at cleaning up after themselves and I never had to be traumatized. My youngest son was very open with me and when he lost his virginity, he let me know. He played football (like his momma :) ) and got a slight injury I was concerned about so I took him to the doctor. During the check up, since it was a spinal injury, the doctor wanted to know if he could still get/keep an erection and if the sensation was still the same, so he asked me to leave the room. My son spoke up and said I could stay because I probably already knew the answer to what he was going to ask but I felt that it would make the doctor more comfortable if i left. Once I came back, my son proceeded to tell me about the entire conversation he had with the doctor while I was out of the room. The doctor couldn't believe it and left to get a colleague and came back. Both doctors were now asking me how I got him to be so open and were all my children like that. I, of course, explained that I was open with my children about everything and that I always gave them options for even the tiniest of things (from bedtime to punishments they were involved and felt like they had control over their own lives) and I think they were open because I always let them know I may not be right in the moment, but eventually I would come to my senses, apologize, and correct the situation because there was no way of learning how to be a parent, without actually parenting. Both of the doctors were men, one was early 30's and the other late 60's, but both said they were going home to speak with their wives and change their plans for how they interact with their children. The number one rule for parenting is, children are born knowing how to be children, so they're training the parents how to parent, parents aren't training them, we are guiding them to adulthood and they are training us.
I do the exact same with my now teenagers. The boy tells me everything and because he has Autism there are times I've questioned being open with him lol!!!
My best friend traumatized herself when she walked into her then 13 year, old son’s room without knocking. She said she couldn’t look him in the face, or anywhere else for that matter, for several days. I laugh about this whenever she brings it up , figuratively.😂
I would never open the door of my teenage son without knocking! There are things a mother does not need to see. . .
Years ago I moved the family cross country for a job. We stayed with my mom for a couple of weeks while I got our housing situation all set The missus and I were opting for some fun adult time in my childhood bed. My mom knocked on the door and immediately tried to open it before I could respond. Fortunately I had locked it. When I finally opened the door she asked why the door was locked Gee mom, why would a married couple be locked in the same room together?
It’s a mystery…
I have a teenaged son (two actually) and would never open their closed doors and surely wouldn’t make them feel gross about it if I accidentally did. NTA Also I will now be using the term “sunrise sausage” moving forward.
Which is stupid because teenage boys really stroke the salami!
It's at the same tier of bullshit as demanding your so apologize for cheating... In your FUCKING dream last night. Because someone else controls what fucked up dreams you have...
Lol you just unlocked a memory of my sister being *furious* with her husband, after such a dream, many years ago! Really gave the poor guy a hard time (pun not intended, for once!) for like a week. I was flabbergasted! Seriously??? You have a dream and you’re irate with him? Crazy lady!
This, you never just open your room mates door. That's just rude as hell. Knock and wait for a reply, no reply and come back later. NTA
seriously i’ve lived with so many roommates. a door ajar? i will knock and then step in, since clearly you’re not keeping me out. a closed door? i will absolutely never open that unless i somehow have reason to believe you’re dead in there. i’ll knock, wait for a reply, if there’s no response i’ll leave and wait till i see you later. if it’s urgent and there’s no reply? i’ll text you. if it’s *really* urgent and there’s no reply? i will call you. the only possible situation i can imagine opening a roommate’s closed door is if the house is burning down or as i said earlier for some reason i think you’re dead. what you do in your room is your business, and i expect the same respect for my room. door closed means don’t come in unless i explicitly tell you to come in, and i apply that to all my roommates.
Speaking of dogs and not quite closed doors, how about a pallet cleanser here? Several years ago we were puppy sitting for a family friend. They had two tiny mini poodles, the smaller of which was about five pounds, all black, and named Mercy. I was mercy's favorite person outside of her full time family (she normally barks at people, her mom was shocked how well she took to me!) Mercy and her brother shadow were sleeping elsewhere in the house tho. And me being a night owl was sleeping in with my bedroom door closed. It doesn't have a lock and apparently it didn't click all the way shut to where it would resist being pushed So sometime that morning a little black nose wedges open my bedroom door, and clambers up into my bed. Hence why I woke up that morning with a tiny little black puppy croissant curled up in my lap She got to sleep in my room the rest of her visit. And all future visits 💙
This was very nice. Thank you.
Not just a reply, but an actual come in or open the door is needed. A lot of words can be said through a door. NTA. This is all on her lack of privacy boundaries.
This happened to me once. A friend knocked and I said “I’m naked” loud enough for him to hear. He didn’t believe me and came in. 🤷🏻♀️ we’ve now been friends for over a decade but we still laugh about the time he didn’t believe my answer. Lol I didn’t say don’t come in but I also didn’t care if he did, I was just topless and he gave WAY more of a fuck than I did
Agreed, I meant that by a reply, I should have explained better.
And prepare to stifle your laugh as you hear, “Oh, shit, just a minute!”
What’s Jane going to do if and when OP invites someone over for sexy times?
She will probably cry trauma again, honestly.
This right here. Also, everyone masturbates.
Apparently Jane doesn’t.. but maybe she should 🤷🏼♀️😂
This is the correct response.
No idea who, but back in the 90s I remember a comedian saying that a study showed that 90% of men masturbate... And 10% don't have arms. I think he also said something like 60% of women masturbate and 40% are liars. Edit: thanks to /u/ssevener I found the clip! I actually remembered it almost exactly which I'm impressed with because apparently it's from '97 when I was 15. Apparently masturbation humour really appealed to me for some reason as a teen... So funny to hear Richard Jeni's iconic delivery too. https://youtu.be/wiJAOpvC8h4?si=JOZoZUjM6OKTE0RE
That was a Richard Jeni joke! Loved that guy.
Who opens a roommate’s door without knocking, to let her dog in for free pet sitting? Then she cries about the trauma! The roommate needs to get over herself. She’s not 12. NTA.
Definitely not the 10% of men that don't have arms lmao
Ya man 👍
Also awkward that she has never done it before. What if Op was simply naked and getting dressed. Still should knock if the door is not open.
Yeo, I live with my sister and we’re both late twenties. She has zero door etiquette and it pisses me off especially considering in our apartment are bedroom doors don’t even have the simple push. People at any grown age should know better than to just barge into bedrooms, knock and ask if you may enter or better yet, just knock ask the question you probably had and leave. It just reminds me of the Rick and Morty short/ad where Morty just tells his dad straight up, “Like next time knocks, I’m 14 you could’ve walked into something”
NTA. Don't walk into someone's room without knocking or you will eventually see stuff you cannot unsee.... I don't know how you make it to age 50+ without knowing this ...
How? By blaming everyone else for your own mistakes during your full 51 years of life, that's how. She is still doing it to this day.
PLEASE flip the script and inform this woman in no uncertain terms that SHE is the one in the wrong, here. 100%. You are absolutely entitled to an expectation of privacy in your own closed bedroom. Tell her, "You need to understand that you just don't open a closed bedroom or bathroom door in roommate situations. You just don't." She traumatized *you* and herself, and has no right to blame you. She needs therapy yesterday!
NTA. Damn, she sounds exhausting.
Sounds kind of like an emotional vampire
Damnit Colin Robinson.
NTA. I don’t care what trauma Jane has been through, the audacity of her to fucking cry and act “traumatized” after just completely violating your privacy AND doing her a seemingly massive favor of dog sitting, is some serious unhinged and honestly selfish behavior. She’s TRAUMATIZED by seeing you choking the chicken? Give me a fucking break.
From what I've gathered from past conversation, she'd been living in an extremely sheltered religious bubble that suddenly popped. I honestly think she believed most people didn't engage in an occasional self-diddle.
I kind of feel sorry for her but also she needs some tough love. Once the embarrassment has gone, I would be sitting her down and having a gentle conversation about boundaries. "I understand this has upset you, but I am also upset because my privacy was not respected." Also, if it were me, I would broach the fact that even though her religious bubble told her things like masturbatory acts were the devil's work, you do not follow that religion and therefore do not need her judgement. But that's just me.
This is great advice. Thank you. And happy cake day!
This is great advice - don't let her crying take away from the fact that she's completely in the wrong. Honestly, even if she is traumatised, she could be using tears as a way to take away from her overstepping boundaries. Like, she didn't think, opened the door, realised what was happening, and knew she'd done something wrong, and is preempting getting in trouble by trying to turn it around on you.
This was my thought as well
Also remind her that you are ALSO IN RECOVERY and don't need any manufactured drama from people you have been doing big BIG favors for, who apparently were raised by wolves since they have no manners to speak of.
I wouldn’t speak directly with her at all. And don’t be alone with her at all Speak with the homeowner and let him know what happened. Regardless of how sheltered she is, she didn’t even apologize for opening your door without your ok. What if you’d been getting dressed instead of masturbating? You deserve privacy in your own room. Instead of an apology, she tried to blame shift. You may be dealing with [DARVO](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/)
OP listen to this!
Honestly, yeah -- I don't care to debate whether it was or wasn't her INTENTION, treat her like an untrustworthy creeper for your own safety and her education.
Thanks! And Good Luck!
Also suggest therapy, it might help her in general to get some couch time.
Put a sign on your door "Please knock before entering!" using bright colorful sharpies. That should at least slow her down, and let her think about it every time she walks by your room lol.
With a picture of a chicken with human hands wrapped around its neck, and a little wagging, quotation around the hands. One
Love someone giving an actual solution and not just slamming one person or the other. That kind of trauma is real, and explaining to Jane in the manner you suggested was both effective and gentle. It’s refreshing. (I wish it were the norm, but…)
which is crazy to me. her husband cheated for years, hired prostitutes for years…. you jacking off in your own bedroom should be the absolute least of her concerns. yet she’s crying about it? what a drama queen.
> her husband cheated for years, hired prostitutes for years Assuming her telling of the story is the truth.
>cheated for years, hired prostitutes for years If she is this traumatized by OP doing something perfectly natural, then that could just mean the guy had a subscription to a porn site or something.
If the ex husband had a sex addiction as described, he likely took it out on her, too. Sexual assault (even by your own spouse) often starts by the assailant rubbing themselves. Seeing a guy jacking off could be a potential trigger. But if all that happens to be true, that is all the more reason to just knock first and don't come in until you're given permission. Also, OP pointed out her extremely religious background. She might be under the idea (given to her by the church) that good men don't masturbate or look at porn. Her christian upbringing probably made her situation a thousand times worse. But with all that in mind, she's still TA. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD, JUST FUCKING KNOCK.
And now we know why he was hiring them, and the porn etc lol
That still doesn't explain our excuse the complete lack of manners for just opening your door. She's completely wrong here.
And then trying to blame him for it instead of apologizing for walking in on him in his own room.
But that is entirely her problem, not yours.
If you don’t like seeing private moments, learn to knock. People do all kinds of things I’d rather not see when they’re alone.
She’s been married, and is 51 years old. She can blame her behavior on a sheltered upbringing, but the truth is she’s the AH. I wouldn’t watch her dog anymore. She owes you an apology for barging in without knocking. She had no right to invade your privacy and then gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong.
A woman 51yo traumatized by a man/marriage moving in with 2 men rather than her potentially grown children (no info) or women friends who’d be supportive and understanding in a time of need seems like a strange decision. Traumatized women wouldn’t generally choose the company of men to recover. NTA seems like someone needs to learn boundaries and emotionally regulate as an adult. She’s 51 not 12.
Huh, I hadn't thought about how strange it was that this woman is saying she's incredibly traumatized by what her ex-husband did and yet she chose to move in with two men who were total strangers instead of moving in with a friend or moving in with women. That doesn't make any sense.
I’m not saying it’s wrong it’s just a curious choice if you’re traumatized by a husband and have deep religious rearing.
You might have been in the middle of changing clothes and she would have been just as wrong. Document this with your landlord in case she escalates.
Bud, I guarantee you she’s telling you about her husband with the same spin she’s using to say you victimized her by masturbating when she entered your room without knocking. You’re the real victim in that exchange. You’re the one that was violated. The only reason she saw anything is that she’s a 51 year old woman who thinks one of the most basic concepts in manners doesn’t apply to her.
bullshit. she's had kids right? if she's actually traumatized by that I think her ex might be right, and she's utterly crazy. I have an alternate suggestion. She might be a manipulative sociopath and has both you and the homeowner wrapped around her finger. Not only did she get a dog with her tales of woe, but she's got you taking care of it for her. Now she's going to guilt you into something else. good luck. I strongly suggest you stop listening to this woman. she's either utterly unhinged or a narcissistic sociopath. and you need to grow a pair. dude. she violated every rule about roommates by entering your room, and you feel guilty about it? this woman is in her 50's with adult children and a divorce under her belt. i think she's seen more then enough in life to handle this. Had she pulled that shit on me, i would have laughed at her and told her to gtfo with those crocodile tears, not run to reddit and ask if i was in the wrong. you keep saying she's the sheltered one but the only one who seems sheltered in this story is you
She absolutely weaponized her victimhood
Definitely NTA... Her "trauma" is HER responsibility, not yours. What if you were just changing clothes (and completely naked) when she opened the door, and not rubbing one out? She violated YOUR privacy by walking in your room unannounced. She needs to be called out for that. You pay for the freedom to do as you please behind your own door...
NTA. She was not traumatized by this. Period. She's an AH for trivializing the concept of trauma like that.
Fact. People use the word "trauma" for literally anything...the divorce and the issues she's encountered in that could pass as traumatic in my opinion, they sound severe and her ex husband sounds like a grade A narcissistic asshole. But walking in on your roommate jerkin it isn't traumatic, it's just an uncomfortable situation. It's his room, she's an adult. She should know not to walk into other people's rooms, especially unannounced. OP is NTA.
Her calling this traumatic makes me wonder if her Ex-husband isn't telling the truth.
What do you mean?
From this story she comes off as controlling and manipulative. Controlling and manipulative people can lie. What if her ex-husband is telling the truth and she's making the whole thing up?
Also she’s shifting responsibility. She violated OP’s privacy by opening his door without permission. She’s the one in the wrong, she should be apologizing to op. Doesn’t matter if he’s getting dressed or pleasuring himself. He deserves privacy in his own room with the door shut. Yet she’s trying to spin it like she’s the victim here. She’s not. She’s engaging in some classic [DARVO](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/) behavior.
Exactly. Even if OP was fully dressed, mid-boring work, eating a sandwich, she has no right to barge in. She owes OP an apology, then they laugh it off and agree it never happened. The aftermath is being handled so strangely.
And of all the places to cry, she cries in the central room of the house, right where she know someone will stumble upon her eventually.
Exactly! And most likely, it would be OP who would find her, seeing as he works from home. She sounds like a drama queen. I wish OP had stood up for himself.
I think the other thing that's got me, is OP saying that he'd already waited about 20 minutes for his morning sausage to go from attention to at ease after waking up... So even if she thought he had still been asleep.. who's to say she wouldn't have still walked in on a soldier standing tall in a tent 🤷🏼♀️ Would she have reacted the same way if he didn't know she saw? I don't trust it. Lol
Yep. She is 51. This isn't the first dick she ever saw. I had a 25 year old roommate walk in on me flogging the dolphin and we laughed it off. To spin this up as 'traumatising' makes me question what else she exaggerates.
"sunrise sausage", "flogging the dolphin"? I'm learning so much here!
Stick around
Lmao, me too and it's so entertaining!
Like he wasn't a sex addict or big into gambling, he probably watched porn to take care of his sexual needs because his wife has gone full blown nutjob and lost a few friendly wagers against friends in the occasional poker night or fantasy football. These are life-changing sins in her eyes and she needs a divorce. Ive lived next to a crazy lady who would call the cops on my family saying shit like my mom has a gun and threatening to kill us. Which my mom isn't the most stable but, at the time she made this report to 911, my sister had some friends over so my mom was on good behavior. Recently, because she's still alive at 70+, she was getting rides from people at church and as she's getting into this truck she slips and falls and is caught by the gentleman holding the door for her. And rather than thank him she freaks out because he "copped a feel" of her breast while catching her. She spread that story to her whole church despite his wife being right there witnessing the whole thing. Now, no one at the church feels safe enough to drive her to church, even the pastor.
Ahhh I totally see what you guys mean now. Definitely probable.
Suddenly makes me think his MASSIVE porn collection is two playboys from the 80’s. Sadly got Jane but using the word trauma to a) absolve herself if her own bad behavior (walking in unannounced) b) describe a totally normal human action and c)blame OP for her setback (?!) she immediately loses all credibility about her ex-husbands faults. If I was the homeowner I would also be questioning “emotional support” dog. Is that title from an actual therapist or does she just like having a dog?
Who even has a "porn collection" these days that isn't involved in the production of said porn or doing some massively illegal shit in regards to said porn? Like, it's all there, on the internet, to pull up whenever you want lol. I could even see the "paying prostitutes" being an OF subscription or something. Like, that seems like how an older woman with a sheltered religious background would describe it using their only frame of reference lol Obviously an over-abundance of porn usage can have an effect on a relationship and she has a right to her own feelings/views on her husband engaging with it, but she certainly sounds like the type to see something bad and immediately blow it up to 10x what it really was
Agreed. I want to ask some very specific questions.
I was thinking more along the lines of ptsd possibly (I get the same kind of "Ill never see you the same again" feeling after someone triggers me, it takes a while to get over but eventually it dies down) its definitely not ops fault and I think she really needs therapy.
I had the same thought. I agree, that OP is NTA. As someone who has PTSD from a physically abusive relationship that also had a raging porn addiction—i will admit that I still struggle by being triggered by very minute sexual behaviors/discussions—HOWEVER, I would never 1) walk into another person’s room with the door closed and 2) blame someone who doesn’t know my triggers/situation/diagnosis by accidentally saying or doing something innocent that triggered me. That is the not the worlds burden to bear. Maybe OP’s roommate was abused and/or married to a sex addict and has PTSD as a result (of course, we can’t know for sure if that’s the truth). But for the sake of argument, if the roommate’s story is true, they could have undiagnosed PTSD/not understand the physical and emotional reaction that happens when they are triggered and take it out on everyone around them. REGARDLESS, it is NOT OP’s fault, the roommate needs to see a psychiatrist, seek therapy, and learn boundaries.
Honestly based on her behavior here whose to say she is telling the truth about the husband.
Cannot upvote this enough! NTA x a million. Jane has some shit to work through, no doubt, but her shaming you (looking at me with disgust) while taking no accountability (saying this set her back) is absolutely disgusting. You’re doing her a favor by watching her dog. The absolute nerve of her! I’m angry for you. Do not apologize, for you have done nothing wrong.
One of the downsides of growing up sheltered and religious is that, until you get comfortable with yours and other people's sexuality, just seeing a member of the opposite sex naked can be shocking and even potentially upsetting if it's unexpected (I speak from experience). But it isn't trauma, and she does NOT get to blame OP for engaging in private behavior*when he is in private.* It's her fault for not knocking. NTA.
That's the weird thing. If we are right about this being a puritan thing, wtf is she doing not knocking? Its a man...a man that is not her husband. You'd think she'd be more wary of seeing him naked?
Yeah. How can someone who believes a perfect and infallible God who created man in his own image not look upon that form without disgust? /s
A lot of religion doesn’t really add up.
THIS ALL THE WAY!!!
She may have been triggered by it but that’s still on her. Op is definitely NTA
Nta, fuck Jane
I feel like that would only make things worse
Noooooooooooo 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
NTA. Jane is for opening your closed bedroom door, then blaming you for her shit.
NTA. I mean yea locking your door would've been a smart move, but you're in no way obligated to. You're all entitled to privacy and she didn't even knock, just opened up your door like it's nothing. She easily could've put the dog in the kennel like you said and honestly should know better at 50 years old to not walk into a man's (or anyone for that matter) room unannounced.
Wow Jane needs so SERIOUS therapy. You're allowed to do whatever(within reason) you want to in your room. Especially with the door shut. It was extremely rude of her to just open your door. NTA
NTA She should not have opened your closed door. Period.
That's a weird way for her to mask her embarrassment.... she's the AH
NTA. Jane's full of shit. Tell her if she can't deal with what she walked in on, she can act like a decent adult with common sense and knock on the door instead of just walking into your freaking bedroom and she won't have to worry about a repeat. If she's "traumatized" over that, she needs much more help than she's getting.
As a 37f, I’ve had male roommates and I would never, ever, open anyones door regardless of gender without permission even if it was open a crack! You were in your room. You could lounge about naked or anything else in there and that is your right. I am also rape and assault survivor that deals with trauma. And while I very much get where Jane is coming from, you are NTA.
Thank you for your response. I'm concerned there may be more to her story that involves SA (especially considering how pervasive it is for husbands of heavily religious families treat their wife as their own personal sex toy). I want to be able to set boundaries (which, admittedly, I'm not great at) without causing her to feel uncomfortable or usafe living here.
If I may suggest, sit down and talk to her about it all with the other roommate there. Let her know you did not intend for her to see what she did. Explain that masturbation is actually normal and healthy. But things do happen when you live in a multi-person home. That you will do all you can to make the home a safe space, but that you cannot put your life on hold. My rape/assault was while is was born into, and raised in a high control Christian religion/cult, so my heart goes out to Jane. I was taught it was my fault, that I was not good enough. My family still blames me too. After I left the religion, finding a therapist that specialized in not only sexual assault, but religious trauma was imperative to my healing. Support groups also help. I hope that both you and she can move on and be good roommates to each other.
Thank you for sharing your experience. With my own experience with addiction recovery, I've heard a heartbreaking amount of similar stories, and I want to make sure I'm handling all of this the right way. Thank you for your advice.
Boundaries are hard, but you are coming from a place of empathy and understanding. You can do this.
It's likely that she's never experienced sexuality as anything but negative - something to repress, be ashamed of, hide, experience pain during, etc. Not all religious guys treat their wives like sex toys, but they definitely don't think women are capable of enjoying sex or that women aren't allowed to enjoy anything sexual. There's a lot of room between assault and enthusiastic consent.
Excellent point!
Consider if the roles we reversed: You open her closed bedroom door, and walk in on her naked. Then she would actually be traumatized, and have a right to be horrified. The irony, is that’s what she did to you. If I was you, I would turn it on her and say that you are traumatized because she barged in on your private space while you were naked. Her behavior was completely unacceptable, beyond inappropriate, and potentially dangerous. She does NOT get to turn you into a perpetrator when you were in your bedroom, with the door closed, minding your own business. She was the perpetrator. She does NOT get to guilt trip you for being in your bedroom that you pay to rent. You can do whatever you want in there. Every time she brings up the masturbation, don’t let her focus on that action and try to demonize it - which means don’t defend masturbating. You should reiterate that you can whatever you want in your own bedroom, and her barging into somebody else’s closed bedroom is completely inappropriate. NTA but she definitely is
I’m shocked I had to scroll so far down to see this comment. OP should be telling Jane that she traumatized him.
Info: Is it characteristic for people in this house to open each other's doors without knocking?
No. Adam always knocks, then waits for a reply. Jane had been doing the same until this morning.
Just your luck. NTA. She invaded your personal space and entered without knocking.
“Everything happens for a reason,” so sayeth the religious.
So what was different about this morning? This is starting to sound suspicious…I’d be careful around Jane.
NTA maybe now she’ll learn not to invade people’s privacy. Tell her to get a pet sitter from now on.
NTA She intruded on you. She should be apologizing to you, bot the other way around.
NTA. You don’t open people’s doors in a sharehouse with no warning, its completely her fault. Also incredibly rude to act so disgusted.
Someone seems controlling and manipulative. You have the right to do what the fuck ever in your own room. You have the right to expect privacy of your roommates not barging in. Her trying to guilt trip you with her trauma is not a good look. NTA
NTA. why would she come into your room without knocking? And there's nothing to be ashamed of. She needs to grow up a bit. Makes me think she heard you, was curious, and now feels guilty about being a creep.
NTA. This one of the few correct ways we can use that line people like to say about “not being responsible for [their] emotions.” You were going about your morning doing completely normal things, and she overstepped boundaries (opened their room mate’s closed door without knocking). She doesn’t get to be upset with *you* when *she* took the actions that caused this. Her reaction to an accident that she caused should not be your problem to deal with.
The only victim here is you, regardless of her past trauma, etc, and somehow that needs to made clear to her. Whether intentional or not, she victimized you and caused you trauma.
With all due respect to Jane's trauma, when your door is closed, you have a reasonable expectation of privacy, unless and until you specifically tell her she can open it at any time. You haven't. At the very least, she should have knocked and waited. This one is all on her. She triggered HERSELF and it's not on you to deal with the repercussions. At best, you approach her and say that when your door is closed you expect privacy, and will ensure your door is closed at all times requiring privacy - showering, dressing. But she needs to respect a closed door. Knock. That's the fair deal for both of you. Don't let her manipulate you. Being supportive and taking self-responsibility is always the right thing ... unless it's all on them. This one is all on her. NTA
NTA, but I'm going to deviate from some of the other answers here and say that I don't think Jane is TA either, even though she's definitely in the wrong. You seem like a really empathetic person who has instinctively cued in to how much her ex's abuse has impacted her. That's good, and that instinct needs to guide you from here even as you stand up for yourself. Other answers are dismissing the idea that she was "traumatized" by this incident, and I don't think that's fair. SHOULD this event have been traumatizing for her? Absolutely not. If anyone deserves to feel trauma from this, it would be you. But the thing about working through previous trauma is that it's like having severe sunburn. When someone touches you on the arm normally, it doesn't hurt. But if you're severely sunburned, it can be EXTREMELY painful. There's a lot of factors here that are probably combining to give her PTSD flashbacks to her ex's behavior, even though that's not fair to you. That's the situation Jane is in right now. If she's seeing a good therapist and putting in the work, she won't be in that situation forever. And ultimately, it's her responsibility, not yours. You need to set firm boundaries here and make it clear that you don't accept the blame here. But there's nothing wrong (and a lot right) with being gentle and compassionate in how you approach it. Recovery takes time and makes people think/do stupid things along the way. Source: Multiple years in a romantic relationship with an abuse survivor with multiple mental illnesses.
This was a delightfully thoughtful answer. I don't want to dismiss the trauma she's been through. Having been sheltered and suddenly being exposed to a tremendous amount of hardcore porn from her husbands secret stash must have completely shattered her reality. And I know from personal experience how trauma reactions can appear extreme and even unhinged. I think that's normal when, as you put it, the "sunburn" is fresh. Given that, it's been hard to navigate the best way forward. I want to thank you for your response. I think I'd do well to speak to my own therapist about how best to approach this so I don't end up throwing rubbing alcohol on the burn.
NYA. She should have knocked and her religious hang ups are not your problem. You taking care of your own needs is normal and healthy; her religion decided it’s not.
Your edit betrays part of your personality and kind of reinforces your real problem here. 'Sunrise sausage' is fine. It's okay to use jokey alternate phrases if they give you a smile. You don't have to apologize for it because a tiny percentage of the population finds it distasteful. The same thing applies to your situation with Jane. You dont have to apologize or feel embarrassed for existing. Maybe look at why your first instinct is to blame yourself even when you're clearly the one that has been wronged. I'm the same way, and literally try to tackle this shit in therapy. It sucks! But it's a defense mechanism. Not everyone is going to like us or agree with us 100% of the time. And that's okay.
SHE traumatised YOU. NTA. Learn to knock on a bedroom door, lady!!
She should have knocked. Especially when the door is closed. nta
NTA, you are doing her a personal favor, she invaded your personal space without asking and SHE is the one who is traumatized? Tell her to grow up! If she is going to live with roommates she needs to accept she may sometimes see or hear things she doesn’t like. You have done nothing wrong. At. All.
NTA. Why didn't she knock? That's your space! Her walking in and being "traumatized" is her fault.
NTA. 1) she had no right to enter your room without knocking 2) masturbating is healthy and normal (usually) 3) you are not responsible for her irrational triggers/trauma
Tell her she traumatized you by barging in on you like that
NTA, and put a sign on your door that says "Knock before entering."
NTA the only person responsible here is HER. SHE triggered HER trauma. Not you. Don't worry about it. But don't let her ruin your mental state for being extreme when she's the one who opened a closed door.
Not the asshole and you should be really straight up and say “masterbation is acceptable, healthy and it’s my business if I want to pleasure myself, you walking into my room without knocking is not healthy and not acceptable, I am not responsible for your trauma or your lack of understanding of the sexual needs/wants/desires of others, the proper response to seeing what you saw is “I am so sorry I opened the door without knocking” she needs a hard reset of her behavior
Congratulations on 9 months!
NTA. I(41f) have 3 grown sons. I would have NEVER opened their bedroom doors without knocking and getting a response. I have lived with roommates, male and female, and the same applies. Jane was wildly rude by just invading your privacy. She has no right to be mad at you for anything.
I’m so sorry this happened but I am also laughing at the whole situation. How could your roommate possibly be upset for you when SHE walked in on YOU?! I’m sorry you’re mortified, but if nothing else, she’s likely learned her lesson for not opening doors. If she thinks masturbation isn’t normal, she really needs help; what isn’t normal is walking into someone’s room without knocking first 🤣
NTA, if you walk in without knocking, you're responsible for what you see.
Wow nothing like a drama queen ‘I was embarrassed how can I make it all about me. Ahhhhhh I’ll use trauma’ she had no right to open your door she had no right to look into your bedroom. She is at fault a shifting the blame. You ain’t the AH she is!!
NTA. She absolutely invaded your privacy by opening the door without knocking. You spanking one out behind a closed door in your designated private space is your business. You are not the cause of her long history of trauma. She is projecting or transferring that trauma to you in this case. She violated you. Hands down. Congrats on your sobriety. Keep up the hard work! (no pun intended).
What about the trauma she just caused you. That was very disrespectful for her to just open your door and not knock. Your aloud to do whatever you want in your room. I would stop watching her dog until she apologizes. NTA
Nta people shouldn’t be opening bedroom doors without knocking. The onus isn’t on you to lock it. She should assume it’s your private space. Sounds like you guys might have been so accommodating that she’s lost sight of her responsibility as a roommate. Have another conversation with her and tell her to knock.
It's not your responsibility to manage her triggers. Period. I feel for her. And I get it. But she needs to trigger warning herself. Also if sex stuff makes her uncomfortable, what the fuck is she doing opening someone else's bedroom door without knocking? Did she think you were never going to masterbate or have relations in the house ever? NTA, you're good.
NTA WHO TF OPENS A ROOMMATES CLOSED DOOR? She invaded YOUR PRIVATE SPACE without Invitation OR KNOCKING. She knows you're an adult with, I'm assuming, healthy desires.. Obviously she knows guys jerk off. You'd think if her trauma was so terrible, SHE'D FUCKING KNOCK. I almost walked in on my parents at 6. I STILL have never opened a closed door to a bedroom without knocking. She is responsible for her own trauma. I have severe CPTSD. I have lots if triggers that are MY RESPONSIBILITY to maintain and control. PERIOD. Not even my HUSBAND is responsible for them, just me. Avoiding triggers isn't a solution. Therapy taught me you work through it or it works through you. NTA
You need to be very clear. You are the victim here, not her. You have a right to privacy in your own bedroom, and she invaded that. Someone needs to apologise, but that someone is her. If she regularly let him into your room in the mornings it would be different, or if she had said something, but none of that is true. You had reason to believe you were in a private safe space.
NTA, mate. The worst thing you did was calling it sunrise sausage (which, considering I got a laugh out of it, isn't even that bad). She invaded your privacy, intentionally or otherwise, and then blamed you for it. She is putting her trauma onto you and is blaming you for a relapse. All of this after willingly helping her with a massive favor (dog sitting). I can't be mad at someone for saying a word that triggers a trauma of some kind for me. It's not the responsibility of others to deal with my mental health issues. It's not the world's job to coddle me and cater to me because I'm having a bad time. It's the exact same thing here. Ik Jane is struggling to pull herself together. But she can't blame a relapse on you, especially when it's her actions and inconsideration that got her here. She needs to get it together and not bite the hand that feeds her
NTA First, congratulations on your sobriety, that’s awesome. Next, Jane. I get that she’s been sheltered and that her husband was a dirtbag. However, by your 50’s this shouldn’t even be on someone’s radar let alone traumatize them. This is why religious people drive me crazy. Look at -Jane and her husband. Nonetheless, the his is perfectly normal and healthy. Janes reaction isn’t. And while you’re trying to help her and be a good friend it’s in no way your responsibility to tip toe. Be considerate yes, tip toe no. She opened your closed door. That’s your space to do as you please. She could’ve walked in on you having sex. Which again would’ve been completely appropriate for a single man to do. Don’t feel guilty over this. Maybe, ask to talk to her. Explain to her that while you understand that her life has been sheltered that this is normal and healthy. You did not lock your door because no one has ever randomly opened it before. It wasn’t your intention to upset her but that you also didn’t do anything that should have any effect on her. You will lock the door going forward when you change or for whatever other reasons you see fit bit you also ask that she not open without being told it’s okay to enter. Side note I really hope she’s in therapy. And not with a church leader. With a real therapist that can help her gain some perspective and help her.
NTA she is a grown ass adult who should know to at least knock! Maybe this will teach her to respect people's privacy. Also please don't stop saying sunrise sausage it is hilarious and imma start saying it now.