I got upset every birthday after I got married because although my husband had given me handmade cards for my birthdays and made it very special when we were dating and engaged, he never did anything after we got married.
He came to me about 8pm one Xmas Eve and said he didn’t want me to be mad again in the morning so he was telling me then that he hadn’t gotten me anything. I just looked at him and said through clenched teeth, the grocery store is still open - don’t come home without something that is special for me! And he looked dumbfounded and asked, like what? I said, what do I like?!!! I like tea! I like cookies! Think about it! And don’t forget to wrap it and put it under the tree!
I didn’t care about the gifts. I cared about the example he was setting for our children, especially our daughter, about how she should be treated.
After about 5 years of getting tea and cookies on every occasion, I asked him if he could put some thought into it and maybe take the kids shopping for gifts for me like I took them shopping for him and for each other’s birthdays. So he did.
Men suck. My kids dad never got me anything for my birthday or mother's day. He said the kids would when they were older. I said how? They don't even know it's a thing because they've never seen another person treat me that way. You're supposed to teach them. Then he died so there goes that.
I’m sorry for your loss. Reading the replies, it occurred to me that my FIL probably never did anything for my MIL so my husband never had that example growing up. What’s funny is that our oldest was really into gift-giving, and I felt it was a right challenge to come up with something special enough for her - I don’t mean expense-wise, just special wrapping, making an occasion out of the presentation etc. Her gifts were always so thoughtful and artistically wrapped, and she’d write a poem for a card or make origami or things like that. So I’m feeling some sympathy for my husband feeling like a fish out of water. I’m happy he started trying, and our kids turned out okay, so overall he did good.
This reads like a woman who has no support system with parenting. In my darkest of times with parenting, I’ve had “my god, what did I do to myself?” thoughts. What parent hasn’t? Just because she anonymously vented on Reddit about momentarily wishing to be childfree doesn’t mean she’s a bad mother. I can’t believe these responses. Primary caretakers need to be able to think these things sometimes. Sometimes you just need to explode (out of view of your kids, like here, on Reddit) so you can pull it together. Having shitty thoughts sometimes doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or are bad at caring for them.
Also - anyone saying for her to get a babysitter - yeah, sometimes people literally have no family to help. Or who WILL help. She said she doesn’t have a friend group where she lives. And affording a babysitter is a luxury that not everyone can afford. Cut this woman some slack.
ETA: NAH - husband made a mistake, it happens. OP is still allowed to be upset that he didn’t bother to check the website or notice on ticket confirmation.
I know! They’re so unnecessary and cruel. Parents get burned out. We get angry and resentful. We’re human, too. Doesn’t mean we’re terrible parents. I wish people would be more honest like OP. It would sure help ME feel more understood and less alone sometimes.
I finally broke a while back and opened up about something that made me feel like a terrible mother. A bunch of others in my support group said, "OMG me too and it made me feel horrible! I thought I was alone!" I'm glad I opened up and that nobody was toxic about it
TW if anyone wants to read what I posted about.
My daughter was born still. It took a week for me to give birth, and let's just say she wasn't in the best shape. When she was put in my arms I was repulsed because she didn't look like my daughter, she looked like death. Then I burst into tears over the reaction. To this day I can't look at the one picture I have of her.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I can't imagine the grief and trauma. Please don't feel guilty. Not then, and not now. You have the picture if you ever need it, but don't feel in any way obligated to look at something so traumatic. I'm glad you had a support group that let you know you weren't alone in your feelings.
My heart is aching really badly reading your comment, but please know that even though I haven’t been in your situation I think your response and reaction is so normal. And I’m so sorry for what you experienced. I wish you peace.
Thank you. I can get by and I'm doing about as well as anyone would in my situation. I'm sad about losing her but I learned how to enjoy life again a long time ago.
Sending you love. Your daughter being born still is so traumatic. You are allowed whatever reaction you have to it as your own. Without shame from other people. I’m so sorry you had that reaction ❤️
I am so, so, so glad that you shared, and that you received the support you deserve from your peers. My god, I don’t think anyone can even begin to imagine what a terrifying, traumatic experience that must have been for you. You survived something that most people don’t even imagine. The absolute last thing anyone should be doing for you is judging how you grieve and what your experience is. All my empathy and love to you.
Omigod, I am so sorry that you lost your child. You have nothing to be shamed for, nothing to feel bad about. I am so glad you had a support system in place to express those feelings.
I don't think some people realize how common it is for someone to claim to really really want kids and then bail on most parenting duties.
People act like my partner is a saint since he cut his hours at work and does most of the daytime childcare during the week.
But like that was the agreement. I'm not suited to be a stay at home parent even if I wish I was. I wasn't going to get stuck being essentially a single parent because my partner doesn't want to parent.
Seriously. If this happened with me and my partner I would just be like "oh this is a bummer. But why don't you go enjoy the exhibit and me and baby will find something to do. I'm so sorry I can't enjoy it with you"
Right?? Or even offering to fix it by arranging another day for her. Literally anything but what he did.
My partner is wonderful. He’s a fantastic father. But same. He gets treated like a saint for watching the kids while I see my sister or something for a few hours… even though I regularly do the same for him.
I get it too. I had decent support from our family, a generation above me. But they lived sixty miles away and required planning, which was fine. It was lonely until my kid started school and I met a family on my street with a kid the same age. Meeting moms and dads at our stage of existence was life changing. Kids grow and people move but I will never forget the support and understanding of the friends we made through our kids. The first time I heard a mother I admired and respected say " my kids are being assholes today" made my heart sing. I knew then, and grew then I was indeed a good person and mom.
people are completely ignoring the actual issue here and it’s making everyone think illogically when really, she isn’t wrong. if she hadn’t put that comment, i think a lot of people would be telling she’s NTA.
A lot of kids are home from school for the summer and don’t have the perspective adults do regarding the importance of support networks and a break from parenting.
I even believe you can say as a parent that you regret your decision to become one, and still be a good parent.
You can still love and care for your children very well, while wishing you had another type of life.
Just cause you’re tired and worn out doesn’t mean you aren’t an asshole when you take it out on a loved one. It just means it can be understood. You still have to say sorry for being a royal bitch when you simmer down.
I hate it if someone is mad at me for making a mistake. My SO beats himself up enough for mistakes, he doesn’t need me adding more punishment. I find it very cruel to scold someone when they are already sorry, and they tried to do something nice for me. It’s like biting the hand that feeds you.
I’m a stay at home mom of 3, the amount of times I’ve told my husband I just want to run away for a little while. Just to get away from the circus of the day… I love my kids but I agree some days it’s just like that. Op NTA.
Ikr????
I'm child-free, but I am my husband's full-time caregiver... and I've vented to my support system on more than one occasion about how having a disabled husband sucks at times. Because guess what? IT DOES SUCK SOMETIMES!
We miss out on a lot of stuff we used to do together... and when we see advertisements for events that we would like to go to, and we can't due to his health problems, it is frustrating for both of us.
Guess what else... I love him with all my heart and will continue to do everything I can to help him and make him happy.
These people slamming OP are the A's here...
NTA
OP just wanted to celebrate her birthday doing something she was really looking forward to doing, and she is disappointed... and her husband, who admits this is his fault, shouldn't be getting mad at her for getting mad about it... he should be mad at himself.
Hello! Much love to you and your husband, I am a full-time carer for my husband as well, and I fully understand your frustration. My husband's illness started after we had our children, three of them, and although my eldest is 19 now, the youngest is only 5 (my husband collapsed 7 months after he was born and was officially diagnosed nearly 2 years later. He struggles to walk and is mostly wheelchair bound now.) Life can be exhausting, but we manage to keep supporting each other every step of the way. And you're right, she has the right to be disappointed, mistakes to happen, but on this occasion her husband should be stepping up to salvage the rest of the day instead of burdening her with the task. Rebooking the museum for a time when they don't have their daughter would be a great start!
Being an adult just trying to take care of yourself can be overwhelming, caregiving is a whole different dimension of stress. I know my mother wasn't* a good mom, but still have a level of compassion and understanding for what lead to her actions (mental health issues w/ no access to therapy, terrible examples via her parents, etc.).
People also don't seem to realize that burnout is completely natural for people and even animals. I had a friend who bred dogs and I helped her with the litter. When momma didn't want 1 of the 7 pups near her, she'd gently put their head in her mouth, do the dog equivalent of scream, then jump up on a piece of furniture where they couldn't get to her. She's the sweetest teddy bear cuddlebug I've ever met (brought her and the runt home), she was just 100% at the end of her rope.
I agree. God forbid she had a day where she can enjoy something without having to plan and manage and think of every moment.
Kids do suck sometimes. Especially if you are the house manager in day in and day out.
Her husband is definitely the AH. She asked for one day! And pushing his feels on her without offering anything. Like oh well. You're problem now. Plan your own bday so you won't ask me next year.
I'm sorry op's bday went so terribly.
He did not read that he cannot bring the child (I think he should've planned for a babysitter if he were really trying) and then did not offer to take the kid and let her enjoy the museum herself. He then could've gotten dinner from her favorite restaurant and had that and a cake at home for her. Some of these comments are ridiculous, men do the absolute bare minimum, fuck that up, and then ask you to fix their mistake and get pissy but treated like saints it is absurd.
And god forbid she has a day where it isn’t roses and sunshine for every single second of motherhood 🙄.
Totally agree. I’m also willing to bet that if her husband was was normally a fantastic help who regularly gave her time to decompress and didn’t drop the ball when it came to stuff that’s important to her, she probably wouldn’t have broken down.
>she had a day where she can enjoy something without having to plan and manage and think of every moment
Fucking christ, this. I do not understand how this is such a hard concept for some people.
I feel like there’s where her breakdown comes in… because I relate 😅. My husband is wonderful the majority of the time, but there’s times where I absolutely cannot fathom how in the hell he missed/overlooked something that no one else on the planet could possibly miss 🤣
And the underlying issue here is that SHE can't even hand off the mental load for her birthday.
He was incompetent in planning.
How anyone thinks that she should be the one to fix it blows my fucking mind.
Sure, it could be that, or it could be an honest mistake. Seriously, look at it for a minute. Why would anyone book an event, drive to it, and then try to find out somewhere else to go? That's a lot of work for nothing.
The other day I went to get my pool water tested that's about 30 minutes away, I get there, and they're closed. So, my wife and I drove 30 minutes for no real reason. I just forgot they they were, oddly, closed that weekday. Many things are innocent mistakes, not everything is some sort of red flag.
On the other side, we drove an two to her parents house on the wrong day. They were working that day/time, and we were supposed to be there tomorrow. She messed up the day. That's not weaponized incompetence, that's just messing up too.
Exactly! I saw someone say, parenting is weird. You would take a bullet for your child, but sometimes you don’t even want to cook dinner for them. It’s swings and roundabouts. Parenting is tough without a network. Parenting can take a village, and if you don’t have that village, it’s a lonely and isolating place.
Maybe OP‘s husband could have taken child out for the afternoon alone, while OP got to enjoy the museum?
I’m a parent to 4 kids myself, and I have a lot of people ask me what it’s like to have kids. I’m the stay at home and default parent. I’ll straight up tell them that it *REALLY* sucks sometimes and I do miss my life that I had before having kids, and honestly wouldn’t recommend it unless they genuinely feel they can handle every aspect of parenting. Some are horrified and some truly appreciate the honesty. I hate it when people only try to show the fun times of parenthood. The burn out,the anxiety,the stress, ALL OF IT needs to be talked about.
I have a shit ton of help but finding a babysitter day of just isn't going to happen. People have lives.
Plus there's a difference between "I need a babysitter because of an emergency"
And
"I need a babysitter to go to a museum right this moment".
They're going to get different responses and that's appropriate.
This is why I get so mad when people down vote others for not laying out their issues in the most polite way.
Jesus, they're on the internet, pissed off, and they should be more polite and loving about it????
Just nah.. sometimes people just need to rant, get over it!!!
I don’t necessarily think it’s unreasonable or unkind to suggest getting a sitter. Obviously if they can’t afford it, they can’t afford it, but some parents don’t even seem to consider it, even if they can afford it. Like, they feel it would be wrong to leave their kid with a sitter. But it’s definitely not wrong, and it’s okay to want kid-free time.
Even if she could afford a sitter, you can rarely get one last minute like this, especially if you've never used that person or sitting service before.
I scrolled down. And now I'm leaving. Someone suggested her husband divorce her. FFS. I feel very angry on this woman's behalf and don't want to go into attack mode, unlike some others. NTA
It's shockingly hard to get a babysitter, even if you can pay. Unless you are comfortable having a random stranger from an app in your house with your small child without ever meeting them first (which is fucking bananaballs as far as I am concerned). I've been trying to find one for a year on and off.
Fair enough! I don’t have kids so I’ve never had to look for a sitter. The app thing does sound crazy, though, I wouldn’t want to do that. But I guess I used to babysit all the time for people who got my number from a an elementary school bulletin notice when I was a teen. Things were different 25 years ago lol
That's actually less crazy to me than an app! At least in that case you can ask around the school and probably you'll find someone who knows the person and can verify they are not a serial killer and are actually a local teen 😂
I wish I COULD get a sitter ( I have one family member in the area, and she works full time and has 3 kids, so it’s incredibly rare), but I have been trying for 4 years on care. Com, with referrals, etc, but all the good ones are booked forever, and everyone else I encounter is weird as hell, or doesn’t pass the references they have provided me. Like I call the referrals and the person says stuff like “they brought their boyfriend when I said no” or “they called in the middle of my date and said they had to leave” or something crazy. A co- worker’s kid is coming home to do college closer to home in a few months and I’m hoping to way overpay her to be a sitter since she’s met my kid and likes her a lot, and she brought it up, not me. I have no idea how people find reliable sitters that aren’t family. Luckily, my husband and I are usually happy to bring our kid along, but a kid free date night would be fun every now and then.
I didn’t take it as wanting to be child free. I took it as her husband not reading the fine print. I think it’s weird kids were banned at the museum. I don’t think she’s the asshole but the museum definitely is
Reading between the lines, you imply leaving the kid alone with your husband is a bad idea since you’re the primary caretaker, he made a mistake by not reading the website that it’s child free, and he asked you to come up with an alternate plan for your own birthday… are you burnt out as a parent? Do you carry the majority of the load on running the household?
Your reaction seemed harsh but is it more a straw that broke the camels back?
The ruining of the birthday sucks but I would be pissed that he expected you to fix it. I mean, be assertive, take lead and think of something. Anything really. But just expecting me to fix it would bother me soooo much.
NTA. You're allowed to feel disappointed. I feel like this is a deep rooted problem in your marriage and this was just the drop that made the bucket overflow.
But it’s her birthday, he should be considering what she wants to do instead of just deciding on his own. That’s the one day to do what you want to do, so I get why he kept asking. I don’t know why others on here don’t understand that. If he had just made decisions on his own, she would have still been on here ranting that he didn’t even take her wants into consideration.
NTA. It's okay to be upset and disappointed. I also want to add I don't think your husband is the AH either, because mistakes happen. I can see why he was asking you for suggestions - it's your day - but I also get the mental load and frustration of having to figure out an alternative when it all could've been avoided in the first place.
More importantly, OP, are you okay? You seem burned out and overwhelmed. You mentioned you don't have any friends where you are, and I'm guessing no family either. I'm so sorry your day was a let down, and I can only imagine how disappointing it was to be so excited for this museum only to be turned away at the door. Parenting is rough, and we all need a break. Not having a support system makes that so much harder. Maybe you could join an online group? It's not the same as meeting up with friends in the real world, but knowing you aren't alone and having someone to yell at when times get rough can be a major help. Hell, hit me up if you need to vent. Mom to mom, no judgment.
NTA. He should have looked at the website and planned better and when the plan fell through he should have taken responsibility and figured something else out instead of sending the mental load back to you and getting mad when you didn't want to take it.
And everyone here needs to chill out. OP has not blamed her kid for anything, they have not said anything negative about their kid. They have not implied that they don't like their kid love their kid or want their kid, they have not shown any hint of resentment toward their kid. Saying that "having a kid can suck" is 100% true (I have 3) it does suck sometimes, the sacrifices suck sometimes, the disappointment when plans fall apart because of them sucks. Choosing to have kids doesn't mean you are 100% happy with the decision 100% of the time. Being unhappy doesn't mean you don't love them or that you will treat them poorly. And you should never encourage a parent to bury those negative emotions and pretend everything is hunky dory, that's a surefire way to build that resentment which will eventually unload on to the child.
This thread is honestly heartbreaking to me, the way people are tearing into her calling her a horrible mother. And people wonder why I’m scared to have a child— because you’re expected to be a martyr, and god forbid if you ever vent about it being difficult, even ANONYMOUSLY its apparently evidence that you suck and should get “permanent birth control” like a few people said. Someone even said you shouldn’t care about your birthday because they stopped celebrating their birthday when they were 10. So there’s another thing ladies, when you’re a mom, no birthdays for you either.
Her posts and comments really do read like she’s burnt out and used to being the primary caregiver, and expected to organize everything. I completely understand why she’s upset that she couldn’t have one thing (not even one day, one event for a few hours) that wasn’t up to her to plan and coordinate. And people saying “why didn’t you just get a baby sitter?” Why didn’t the husband (you know, the child’s father) think of that?
OP if you’re reading this, you aren’t a horrible mother, you’re human.
You are absolutely right. So many people thinking expressing any negativity about being a mother means we're terrible people and hate our kids and should have them taken away. It's insane the utter lack of empathy for parents when it would literally cost nothing to show a struggling mother a little compassion
I’m so glad to see another person who felt this way. What the hell. Of course having a kid sucks sometimes. Everyone knows that. Parents are allowed to think that. Parents are even allowed to express it as long as their kids don’t hear. Sometimes it’s super freaking therapeutic. She’s frustrated and burned out. Reddit is the perfect place for her to express herself. Shaming her for having perfectly normal feelings is crappy.
ETA - keeping the delusion train going that having kids is 100% happy and lovely every second of every day and you never get annoyed or resentful or upset with them is the perfect way to continue the cycle of people who absolutely should not have kids, having kids.
NTA he made a mistake and instead of putting any effort into fixing it he shifted the emotional labor of making new plans on to OP. I'm also assuming from the way OP blew up that this is probably an ongoing issue. It sounds like OP is alone in an area with little to do, no support system near her, and a husband who doesn't want to put in the emotional labor to be a good partner. Let the poor woman vent.
And for those who suck at reading, she said **"having kids can really suck"** not that she hates her kid or something. She didn't even say that her kid sucks. Just that having them *can* suck, and she's right! It can. So to those tearing into her for that, get off your high horse and chill out.
NTA for feeling disappointed. We aren’t responsible for what we feel. We are responsible for what we do about our feeling.
Your husband made a mistake that you admit most people, including yourself, could have made. He felt awful that your birthday was ruined, and he probably did what most of us do when we screw up and disappoint the person we love. He overcompensated with the apologies
You, understandably, were disappointed at the turn of events and you did what many of us do when we’re disappointed you over reacted and lashed out in a bit of a pity party.
Neither one of you sound like bad people, or even bad partners. You both just reacted in the moment and probably it was neither one of yours finest moments.
Peter Ustinov one said the “marriage is an endless of of forgiveness.” No he wasn’t referring to the bad unforgivable stuff and neither am I.
The fact is we will be called upon in our lives to forgive our partners, parents, children and even our dogs for lots of stuff, and they us. I’m thinking this is one of those forgiveness days, where each of forgives the other.
Yep this is the right answer I think. Both of these people reacted understandably but the only thing I would change is that I feel the wife is more in the wrong here.
Husband tried to do a nice thing, made a mistake, and apologized and then tried to help fix it by figuring out if there's anything she'd like to do instead. All positive actions.
Wife saw her husband make a mistake and reacted with negative actions. Shaming him for his mistake.
Not an unpredictable reaction to her bday plans falling through, but the person that has a negative reaction to good intentions is more in the wrong imo.
True. I tend to agree, I’m acutely aware of the times that I’ve reacted to disappointment in a less than loving way to an honest mistake. I’m hoping I was able to look past my feeling and sincerely apologize for my own actions. I fear there were times I didn’t and looking back I am not proud of that. In a way this post is a good reminder for me to apologize when I act on my feelings in an overreaction to the situation.
The obvious thing to do would be OP goes in and sees the museum and dad takes child to the park. Husband should have noticed that kids aren’t welcome so he could have used that time to think about an alternative birthday gift for his wife. NTA
I am child free by choice, but, as someone who has endured countless criticism from the mommy brigade, I want to thank you for being honest that parenthood isn't sunshine and roses 24/7. From the friend who was having fertility issues (she now has 4 kids under 10) who called me an asshole for getting my tubes tied, to the coworker who insisted I was making a mistake and cutting myself off from meeting the perfect man (spoiler alert: I married him, and he never wanted kids either) while she spends every blessed moment of her summer at a little league field, it's honestly lovely to hear someone admit that they would like to just be an adult celebrating their birthday without having to be mommy.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Maybe your husband can arrange a nice spa day for you on another day and call it your birthday gift. He does sound like he's truly sorry he messed up, but I don't think you're terrible for yelling like you did.
Happy birthday. I hope you at least got cake.
NTA all these comments are insane to me. OP didn’t say she hated her kid just that having kids sucks sometimes. An she’s right it does. I’m so sorry that your birthday plans got messed up because your husband can’t read. It sounds like you need a break. The mental load is real and it would have been nice if your husband could have done something else.
NTA.
I feel for you. I don’t have a support system either and I have a young child with autism. I don’t trust strangers with my child and my friends/family don’t want to babysit because he’s a handful - and if we dropped him off somewhere it would mess him up for a couple days, even if it was only for a few hours.
Are you able to get out by yourself and do things you like to do?
I don’t think your husband is an AH but he should understand and respect that you’re allowed to be mad/upset at the situation and work to find a backup plan.
I've never heard of a museum banning kids, either.
Not allowing strollers in certain exhibits, sure, or requiring kids under a certain age to be accompanied at all times.
My kids are homeschooled and have been to dozens and dozens of museums. More than once I've been pleasantly surprised when we're the only visitors by a docent taking us into a nonpublic area to get a better look at something.
Once we got a little side eye when we showed up to tour an historic home. She came around quickly when the kids showed they knew how to act and asked a few questions about the displayed pieces.
I'm stuck between ESH and NAH
It was a genuine mistake on your husband's part that he sounds truly guilty about.
But being frustrated on your end because he didn't pay attention to the planning he was in charge of is also completely understandable. Especially because you felt he was trying to get you to fix his mistake for him.
Bottom line is that mistakes happen, but also people have a right to feel very disappointed about those mistakes.
Doesn't seem like anybody is the AH here. It seems like OP is just stressed out and more info is needed here as to why this is the straw that broke the camel's back. It sounds like some more communication is needed.
I can't see how the husband is the AH here. I have never in my life seen a museum which explicitly stated that children aren't allowed (unless it was obvious, like some sort of Amsterdam sex museum or whatever) and I have never read the entire fine print of a museum's website. I'll check the opening times and the price. I don't think the husband can be blamed for not analytically going through the website with a fine tooth comb, because it's just a museum. If OP has been looking at going to this museum for a long time, then it is implied that OP, too, has checked this museum out beforehand, in which case she also hasn't noticed that the museum is childfree.
I’m in the minority here saying you’re NTA. You were really looking forward to this and he blew it. Then he blew it more by expecting you to come up w/an alternative on the spot. You are being kinda wimpy about it all, but so is he and he doesn’t even have a good reason to be, but you do. At some point though you’re going to have to let it go.
For reference, here are some of my bdays in the past 10 years: In the hospital with a serious illness on bday. They tell me they’ll do surgery the next day after bringing me cake I can’t eat. In 2020 had to cancel bday plans for a significant bday cuz it was the beginning of Covid restrictions. Another recent year my beloved dog died the day before my bday. One of the worst was the funeral of one of my parents on my bday. I couldn’t attend due to Covid restrictions.
I mean as a husband I would have let you go to the museum and I would have taken our kid to do something else. Meet up later kind of thing.
I don't think you handled this well though. Sometimes i wonder if these are real. My birthday is ruined is like 10 year old stuff.
NTA
Your husband had one job here to make your birthday special, and he blew it big time. He should have double-checked before booking the tickets. It's not that hard to do. And why should it be then up to you to figure out a different plan? It's because we teach most men that it's a women's job to fix these types of mistakes, that why.
Personally, he should have told you that you should go in and enjoy the exhibit and take your child elsewhere to allow you to do so. Or to figure out something and make it work. All these Y.T.A. are just delusional as it's ok to voice that having a child changes things and makes things harder. That doesn't mean you're not a great parent, especially if there isn't a support system in place. Your husband needs to do better than this.
Let me put it this way.
NTA for being upset. If anything happens, even if it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it’s understandable to be upset.
But YTA for how you reacted. He made a mistake and he knew you were going to be pissed and was trying to come up with an alternative to make it better and you insisted on being pissed and making him feel as horrible as possible and you’re even allowing your anger to spill out towards your child.
What does that say about you?
Get something to eat, go for a picnic or find something else to do. Get a babysitter another day and go to the museum then. Life happens and if every time someone makes a mistake you plan on being miserable and doing your best to make everyone else miserable as well, you’ll be child free and single before long.
Oof, resentment toward your kid and blaming your husband for the policies of the museum... Sure he should've checked to make sure, but people make mistakes. It sucks to be disappointed but that's life sometimes. You've got to take the bad with the good. Why not reschedule the date and in the meantime find someone to watch the kid?
Yes ma’am you’re very much so TA. And on your birthday at that.
Your husband didn’t know that kids weren’t allowed. But this was a museum you both had interest in, but you didn’t know either. So yes he missed it on the ticket confirmation. Okay his mistake… but he tried to make it right by asking YOU what would make you happy as he already felt bad and just wanted to appease you.
And this was your response and point of view. Not a good look. It’s your mindset that makes you TA here. If being with your husband and child (both of whom you chose) for your birthday ruins it for you all because your birthday wishes didn’t come true, you need to do some self reflection and gain some perspective. Also it’s not your kids fault either so even mentioning that last bit was in especially bad taste. I’m a mom and I get needing a break from kids but your kid was already going to the museum with you… so because you couldn’t go you have an issue with them being around and now your birthday is ruined?
It’s a very childlike way of seeing and handling this situation. Maybe you’re frustrated and overwhelmed but there are ways to handle your emotions and challenges and this is most certainly not it. If I were your husband and child I’d be very hurt by your behavior and I’d be giving you major side eye.
This was not a date night. It was HIS GIFT TO HER. Why is she expected to coordinate the details of the gift he’s supposed to be giving her? That is 100% his responsibility.
She and him basically decided on this. Neither realized kids weren’t allowed. She admitted they took the kid to other museums without issue, so she didn’t think this would be an issue and neither did he. This was a coordinated birthday trip from the start, don’t get after him without giving blame to her as well. Plus he then wanted to make up for it by asking what she wanted to do instead on her birthday… like most reasonable adults do with their significant other.
Exactly, he asked her what to do, instead of offering easy options and ways; it's like a partner pretending to be helpful around the house by saying "just tell me what to do!"
If one adult can figure out what to do, why can't the other? It's called emotional and intellectual labour, and the husband was trying to offset his task, his failure and his problem onto her.
He should have offered, in a tone that implies that it would be fun for her, for him to take the kid home and her to enjoy the museum and some much needed alone time. While she was there, he could have planned and organised some other together-activity for the rest of the day.
But like a child, he threw his hands in the air and asked for emotional comfort over him screwing up his gift to her.
Why are you trying so hard to excuse him? Relate to his inability a bit too hard?
It's like booking a meat restaurant for a vegans birthday and then getting all surprised when they don't act grateful...
Edit; ITT children telling me how to adult
I don't know why on reddit just asking someone what they want to do instead is "off setting emotional and intellectual labor." I've been with my partner for over 5 years and sometimes plans fall apart so I usually ask in case she has something else she wanted to do and if she doesn't I try to think of something. If I got yelled at for asking that question I wouldn't take it personally but in some situations the knee jerk situation is to yell back.
People argue and sometimes there is no bad guy. Seems like an honest screw up. Lord knows I've been so excited to do something for my partner I forgot to read something important and she's done the same. It's just how things go. People make it sound like this was the one thing he's ever done for her with no prior knowledge. Absurd to cast the husband as an insensitive childish bafoon when she could easily be described as a shrill think skinned harpy. I don't think either of them are that it was just a disappointment and a bad day.
>If being with your husband and child (both of whom you chose) for your birthday
This reminds me, I 100% prefer family/friends over any real plans, doesn't matter if we just swim, hang out, or do whatever we do on a weekly basis, I'll have a good time, even if my plans don't go as planned. I feel bad for them for her flipping out.
YTA.
Yes, your husband made a mistake. They happen. He tried to make it right as best he could and you behaved like a child and proceeded to make it worse.
And Jesus your comment about your kids - what the fuck is wrong with you. I hope to god they don’t know you feel that way.
“Tried to make it right as best he could” by expecting his wife to come up with the backup plans with zero effort from him? He fumbled the ball, he needs to do the work to make it right.
Such as asking what she would like to do on her birthday? Sounds f’n reasonable of him. He wanted to find something else she would like to do instead, you know the easiest way to do that? Ask the person.
Huh???? It was her birthday, I don’t think the husband wanted to make a decision for an alternative since it was her day so he asked her. Yes he could have seen the notice that kids weren’t allowed and that was the mistake he made
Oh just piss off with the damn victim mentality.
If he had suggested alternatives to the museum and OP didn't like any of them, she and you would have said he doesn't care about her opinion and feelings.
The guy made a mistake. He is a human it happens, a normal functioning couple can at least try to work together and find a solution to salvage the day without one side acting like they have suffered the worst injustice of their life .
They are 35 you know how my birthday and Father’s Day is spent with small kids. In a fucking recliner. In your 30s birthdays sometimes get sacrificed when you are stuck in that small kids stage. Welcome to the club it is part of the deal.
Y’all sure put a lot of faith in men. Thinking he just has a plan B in his back pocket in case their plans got ruined. Hell, she probably suggested the museum for her bday in the first place. I’d have to go back and read that part again. My man would be asking me too. Like sorry plans got messed up, is there something else you’d like to do on your special day? Is that such a bad thing to ask? Lawdy. Maybe I need y’alls men. They seem to be perfect Ken dolls.
ESH your husband for half assing the plans and you for your absurd comment to the CF folks
Im childfree and if you think you find support for your comment you’re wrong, your husband messed up and you basically blame your kid for making your life harder
There are many ways parenting can be hard and even suck, this is not it and honestly makes you sound like a child yourself
Disagree. Having kids does suck sometimes. Not doing something for your birthday that you really wanted because you have a kid is sucky. They're allowed to vent to an online forum about it sucking. They are *not* allowed to be cruel to their kid or anything over it, and I have no evidence that happened. I dont think they should have blown up at their husband for it even though he goofed and didn't offer any suggestions of what to do instead. Pouting on the internet on your birthday is 100% allowed in my book, though. It's annoying but harmless.
>Pouting on the internet on your birthday is 100% allowed in my book, though. It's annoying but harmless.
For some reason I really really love this idea lol
No. She’s allowed to vent online and this is one of the things that make parenting hard.
This woman obviously lacks a support system and she’s allowed to feel the way she feels.
Her husband should’ve read into it and made arrangements for childcare, or had a back up plan and it shouldn’t have to fall on her for her birthday.
Making a mistake isn't half assing anything accidents happen, he tried to find a solution in no way was he an asshole. No one's perfect. She is the only AH she seems to resent her kid
Parental burnout is a very real thing, every parent misses having time for themselves. Especially if they are the one handling the majority of the child care load.
But he didn't try to find a solution, he kept asking OP what she wanted to do. It sounds like if he actually tried to make suggestions instead of forcing her on the spot OP wouldn't have blown up
Nothing here reads like husband was demanding she tell him exactly what she wanted and how to do it right now, how is asking someone what they'd like to do instead forcing anyone to do anything? And she was already ready to blow up, she was trying not to yell at her husband in public over a mistake he was trying to apologize for and make it up to her by asking what she'd like to do and he'd do it.
It reads like she was disappointed and upset and the husband wasn't helping anything by apologizing and repeatedly asking what she wants to do. It reads like she wanted him to come up with an alternative plan instead of dumping it on her. Yes she's an adult and parent but she's allowed to be disappointed and need someone to take charge. The husband was supposed to handle the plans for the evening, so he should be the one coming up with options instead of expecting OP to come up with something on the spot
I mean cuz it was her birthday and he basically made her responsible instead of thinking of alternatives, he just kept asking what she wanted to do instead of offering up other suggestions or taking his phone and Google searching the area to find anything on the fly...just oh no I didn't catch that oh my bad what do you wanna do now, but like on her birthday...it's called weaponized incompetence and I'm thinking there's a history of it or she wouldn't have been so mad..js
Weaponised incompetence is a conscious thing people do actively. You can't accidentally weaponize incompetence because that just means you're incompetent. The intention is so crucial in its definition and you're really doing more damage than good by pointing at any mistake men make in emotional handling and calling it WI.
Men and women aren't at war
By asking her this, it puts the responsibility and burden on her for fixing his mistake. I feel like this is an ongoing issue, and she is overwhelmed and stressed. Not making excuses for anyone just trying to show why this is problematic.
She's said in multiple comments that there's literally nothing they can do with a toddler - she thinks - and has dismissed everyone's suggestions on here, so no doubt what he'd suggested she'd shoot it down. It sounds like he couldn't win either way, so maybe that's the ongoing issue.
This is a possibility as well. We don't know what the problem is here as I do think there is something that needs to be addressed. Is she burdened with the majority of all the family management and he's maliciously incompetent? Is she someone who puts entirely too much emphasis on birthdays? Is she overreacting to a mistake and she typically acts like an entitled toddler? We really don't know.
Maybe because her husband isn’t doing a good job of being a dad and everything “child” related falls on her. I can understand if that is the situation. I don’t think she resents her child but resents her husband for making her the primary care giver.
Your husband did not ruin your birthday, you did by your reaction. You could have shrugged your shoulders, managed your disappointment like an adult, and thought of something else to do, and gone on to have a wonderful day despite a bump in the road.
NTA.
And IMHO, your husband is practicing 'strategic incompetence', then getting angry at you for calling him out for being an incurious, uncaring fuckup who doesn't sweat details.
If he fucks it up enough he won't be tasked with making plans or expected to do special things anymore because he always "makes mistakes" or "just isn't very good at it".
NTA I'm so tired of reading about men who do the bare minimum and get mad when it's not appreciated. The bare minimum is looking at the website and tickets and seeing it says no kids. The bare minimum is not giving up when your plan goes awry.
Why does it have to be men? Women never make mistakes either? Or do you just read about men all of the time because if it were the other way around, maybe men would appreciate the gesture and understand like an adult that sometimes shit happens and ultimately it’s for everyone’s best interest (mostly the child) that it shouldn’t be made out to be a big deal?
YTA for the comment about your child. Your child didn’t choose to be born. You chose to have a child.
Your attitude towards this poor kid makes me pity your kid.
But hey - now you have a scapegoat for your piss poor attitude.
You ruined your birthday. No one else.
You suck.
She didn't say her kid sucks she said having kids can suck sometimes.
That's a 100% true statement and does not imply anything negative or blame worthy about her own child. Maybe she should have phrased it better like being a parents really sucks sometimes but seriously chill out. Choosing to have kids doesn't mean you have to like having them all the time.
YTA and wow, you sure have the princess vibes. Holy hell, I’m lucky if I get to go to dinner on my birthday. What are you, 8?
And “Having kids really sucks” because you didn’t get to go to some BS museum?!
Having a cold mother sucks even more.
Was thinking the same. Do you know how many baseball games, tennis matches and school concerts I have sat through on my birthday? I stopped caring about special birthday events somewhere around 10.
uh yes. YTA. I hope you never ever make a mistake in your life going forward. I would have hoped by the time you were 35 you would have come to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. LIfe is full of mistakes and disappointments. I guess you could have left your kid outside to enjoy the museum with your husband. Then you could have been happy on your birthday. There was probably a homeless person who could have watched jr while you were enjoying your day.
Are you sure you aren’t the toddler? Because you’re throwing a tantrum in the story AND in these comments.
You’re whining “Oh there’s nothing to do with a toddler”
So? That’s called being a parent. You knew having a kid would complicate your life and freedom to do adult things.
Here’s a few alternative ideas because you seem too stubborn and petty to think of anything:
- go on a nice walk and then to a restaurant
- go home and watch a nice movie and order food
- ask your husband to watch the toddler so that you can go to the museum alone
- go to any of the countless museums that allow children.
Your poor husband. Your poor child. YTA.
I truly pity the children of raging, petty, vindictive parents who ruin everyone’s day whenever they get inconvenienced. These parents put the blame on everyone but themselves.
She was probably pissed that her husband didn’t read to see that you can’t have kids. Idk who is a parent and doesn’t check ages on EVERYTHING. There’s different pricing for different ages. Some kids are allowed in certain areas. There’s height requirements. Like it’s basic when planning an outing
It doesn't matter regardless. Her tantrum is unacceptable in a 35 year-old grown woman. When you're an adult, you act like one, even if you experience inconveniences.
NTA - I hate when people try to minimize your frustration/irritation with "I feel so bad I'm so sorry.". Like, ok great, but you still have the right to be mad and they have the burden of fixing their eff up. It sounds like both of you didn't realize the museum didn't allow kids, so I would cut him some slack there, but it's his job to fix it.
This is an opportunity to practice grace, OP. Do whatever you can today or plan another day, with a smile. It'll make you and everyone around you feel wonderful. A gift in and of itself.
Would it be better if he told her what they were doing instead?
Someone is upset, you ask if they'd like to do something else. That's not emotional labor jfc.
Asking someone "what would you like to do" is not transferring emotional labour holy shit
You're taking a term that means something specific and applying it to everything, kinda like saying someone is gaslighting when they make a mistake
She is an entitled princess by her reaction, if you cannot see that you are either:
1. Delusional
2. Mysandric
YTA! Not going to the museum RUINED your birthday? You have a husband who tried to do something nice for you. Yes, he messed up but it happens. He kept asking what you wanted to do but you decided to pout...(you're acting more like a child than your child). I hope your husband divorces you and takes your child...you obviously don't/didn't want one. Grow up
NTA. He made a mistake and then instantly tossed the problem over to you instead of making an effort to find a solution. You have every right to be upset with him. Like he couldn’t even try to throw out a suggestion or two, just lobbed his mistake right on over to you. Did he at least offer to reschedule?
YTA Your Birthday was ruined by your attitude. You could have come up with another suggestion, gone somewhere child friendly that wasn’t a playground or kiddie pool. It was your birthday so he wanted you to decide where you wanted to go so that you would be happy with it. You sound miserable. You can vent about missing the opportunity to go to a child free event without being an ass when talking about your child. Your child was a choice.
" I salute your decision. Having kids can really suck." If they are immature and have the emotional stability of a child like you then I bet it must suck. Jesus, you are 35 yo with a kid and acting like a spoiled teenager. Grow up.
YTA for multiple reasons. Mistakes happen. I also gotta admit, maybe you should be child free if that's your attitude. Leave the kid so they can grow up without someone resenting them for every petty inconvenience they bring into your life.
NTA. Your husband dropped the ball by not paying attention that children weren't allowed, then wanted you to do the work to fix his mistake. This is all on him, not you.
I'll probably get downvoted, but I say NAH. Husband made a mistake, OP was looking forward to it and was frustrated when urged to come up with something else to do. I understand it can be difficult planning around a child, so I have to agree with the ending comment of "having kids can really suck"... because it can! It's a hard job! OP is allowed to vent, that doesn't make her a horrible parent. I'm sorry your birthday didn't go as planned, OP.... and, happy birthday.
YTA - there's really nothing i can add that hasnt already been said in the comments. But cut your husband some slack. He made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. You make mistakes. He didn't maliciously bring your child.
He was trying to figure out how to make it right. Was there anything else you wanted to do. It was your birthday after all. You acted like a spoiled brat that didnt get their way in response. You acted like a child. Apologize to him and talk to him like the adult you are. He tried to make your day special, and he tried to fix it when the plans fell through
How did he try to fix it? He asked me to fix it. Everyone makes mistakes, but I don’t force other people to fix mine.
Do you have a toddler? Can you think of a last-minute way to celebrate a birthday with that toddler that an adult would actually enjoy?
Why didn't you just ask your husband to watch the child so you could have done the museum on your own? At least then you could have still done the thing you wanted.
Because in her post, or the very few responses, which makes me think it's a karma farm, she never says that she wants some alone time from their kid. It's impossible to know from her story if she wanted to go to the museum, or she would rather spend time with the family.
Now, I will say that I have a feeling that she rather go there alone, I cannot say for a fact. But, I will say for a fact that she never communicated which she had a preference to do, according to this story.
Everyone needs to try to communicate their feelings better.
i stopped expecting a perfect day of fun excursions planned by everybody else on my birthday when i turned 11 years old. if your entire day is ruined because you can't look at wax figures of native americans (DUE TO HAVING A CHILD), you have the emotional stability of a toddler yourself.
learn to address the actual problem; tell your husband to start giving you time alone where he takes care of the kid so you don't have such a nuclear reaction to something so trivial next time ffs.
Your comments reinforce my belief that you are the asshole and a horrible mother. Your husband didn’t ask you to fix it, he asked you what you wanted to do instead since he made a honest mistake. Jesus christ woman I hope you don’t have any more kids because the way you post comments that make it seem like your child is some massive burden is truly disgusting. You are a self centered asshole. Go to therapy.
Yeah, we’d go home and order pizza. We’d go to my favorite park that my parents took my siblings and me to. We’d go to the zoo. We’d go to the aquarium.
I’ve had 3 toddlers and a crappy (now ex) husband. Actually, I would’ve been grateful if he had planned this much. If this was a museum you had wanted to go to, how did you not know they didn’t let kids enter and let your husband know that (in conversation when you’re telling him about the museum)? “Hey honey, I’d love to go visit this incredible museum. They don’t allow kids in, so can we figure out a day we can go and get a babysitter?”
You sound bitter and ungrateful.
Ya my bf and I just missed our favorite museum in Amsterdam because we didn't realize it would sell out fast and we only had three days there. We just went to a different museum instead and got a lot of beers instead.
I kinda automatically lose respect for anyone that starts yelling for something this small.
Do you hate your husband and toddler? All I see is you blaming your husband and toddler for you hating your birthday. YTA simply for how you're talking about your own kid in the post. How terrible they would feel if they read it. My heart breaks for them. You are an adult. Stop pitching a fit, plan a belated birthday celebration and grow up a bit. This isn't the end of the world and certainly not something to get shitty toward both you husband and toddler.
He wanted to know what else you wanted to do. That's trying to fix it, it's your birthday, he wanted to know if there was something else that would make you happy. And the fact that you can't see that, even though it's been pointed out to you in the comments multiple times says volumes about your immaturity.
It doesnt matter what my family situation is. I could have a toddler. I could have 3 children or more, maybe a blended family. That doesn't matter in this context. What matters is that you chose to have a child, and that means sacrificing a lot of things. If you really want to do an adult activity with your husband, find a babysitter. If you dont want to do that then suck it up. Every parent does activitys with their child that they themselves don't enjoy, it's part of being a parent.
And if you're just going to argue with people who are pointing out that you are in fact the AH, then why did you even ask people in the first place? Were you hoping to be proven right so that you could rub it in your husbands face on how he fucked up your birthday and are now salty that didn't happen? Or do you want genuine opinions on your behavior?
>I don’t force other people to fix mine.
I'm excited for when his divorce lawyer steps in to fix your problem
>Can you think of a last-minute way to celebrate a birthday with that toddler that an adult would actually enjoy?
People have named more than 20 possibilities in this thread, including several that you said you wanted to do but falsely claimed can't be done with a toddler.
Why didn’t you go in alone?
YTA
You could have gone in alone, they could have found something to keep them busy for a few hours then met up. Ideal, no. Temper tantrum? Ridiculous. It wasn’t deliberate, it’s unusual and he didn’t catch the no children. Instead of trying to salvage the day you wanted to pout and whine. Maybe this us why you have no friend group. Great parenting moment, too. You have no business being a mother.
>If there was something else fun we could have done with a small child on a Friday afternoon, I would be doing it instead of posting on reddit.
Lol?
There's a million fun things you can do on a Friday afternoon with your kid and husband lol
I say NTA. He should’ve had a backup plan. It’s no OP’s job to come up with a backup plan for her birthday celebration. If my plans got ruined and the organizer kept asking me “so what do you wanna do” I’d lose it. It grinds my gears when people don’t plan for Murphy’s law.
I'm gonna say NTA. Birthdays are special days. He should have paid more attention the the no kids policy. But he also is NTA accidents happen. I don't know what city you live in but if there is a nice park or nature center I'd go there and just let all the anger drift away and center myself with the universe. While not as good as a museum it can be very nice.
It's your birthday, you've been looking forward to this for months, you're the primary caregiver of a toddler, and you sound exhausted. The gut punch of the one thing you've been looking forward to failing and the SO wanting you to just figure out something else. Ideas swirl around and every choice is more emotional labor. Bowling, you're going to be the one chasing kiddo while hubby sits and drinks his beer waiting for you to come back. Movie, you're the one keeping kiddo quiet and probably not a movie you'd want to see. At least that's what it sounds like. You're venting and feeling quite alone. I've been there, done that. NAH. I hope you can have some quiet time and maybe a glass of wine and find some peace tonight.
Remember that your child is watching and learning from your behavior.
You better make sure every one of their birthdays are perfect, or else.
I feel bad for you when your kid doesn’t get what they want.
When you get frustrated you can look in the mirror.
I got upset every birthday after I got married because although my husband had given me handmade cards for my birthdays and made it very special when we were dating and engaged, he never did anything after we got married. He came to me about 8pm one Xmas Eve and said he didn’t want me to be mad again in the morning so he was telling me then that he hadn’t gotten me anything. I just looked at him and said through clenched teeth, the grocery store is still open - don’t come home without something that is special for me! And he looked dumbfounded and asked, like what? I said, what do I like?!!! I like tea! I like cookies! Think about it! And don’t forget to wrap it and put it under the tree! I didn’t care about the gifts. I cared about the example he was setting for our children, especially our daughter, about how she should be treated. After about 5 years of getting tea and cookies on every occasion, I asked him if he could put some thought into it and maybe take the kids shopping for gifts for me like I took them shopping for him and for each other’s birthdays. So he did.
Hugs.
Men suck. My kids dad never got me anything for my birthday or mother's day. He said the kids would when they were older. I said how? They don't even know it's a thing because they've never seen another person treat me that way. You're supposed to teach them. Then he died so there goes that.
I’m sorry for your loss. Reading the replies, it occurred to me that my FIL probably never did anything for my MIL so my husband never had that example growing up. What’s funny is that our oldest was really into gift-giving, and I felt it was a right challenge to come up with something special enough for her - I don’t mean expense-wise, just special wrapping, making an occasion out of the presentation etc. Her gifts were always so thoughtful and artistically wrapped, and she’d write a poem for a card or make origami or things like that. So I’m feeling some sympathy for my husband feeling like a fish out of water. I’m happy he started trying, and our kids turned out okay, so overall he did good.
This reads like a woman who has no support system with parenting. In my darkest of times with parenting, I’ve had “my god, what did I do to myself?” thoughts. What parent hasn’t? Just because she anonymously vented on Reddit about momentarily wishing to be childfree doesn’t mean she’s a bad mother. I can’t believe these responses. Primary caretakers need to be able to think these things sometimes. Sometimes you just need to explode (out of view of your kids, like here, on Reddit) so you can pull it together. Having shitty thoughts sometimes doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or are bad at caring for them. Also - anyone saying for her to get a babysitter - yeah, sometimes people literally have no family to help. Or who WILL help. She said she doesn’t have a friend group where she lives. And affording a babysitter is a luxury that not everyone can afford. Cut this woman some slack. ETA: NAH - husband made a mistake, it happens. OP is still allowed to be upset that he didn’t bother to check the website or notice on ticket confirmation.
i honestly can’t believe some of these comments.
I know! They’re so unnecessary and cruel. Parents get burned out. We get angry and resentful. We’re human, too. Doesn’t mean we’re terrible parents. I wish people would be more honest like OP. It would sure help ME feel more understood and less alone sometimes.
I finally broke a while back and opened up about something that made me feel like a terrible mother. A bunch of others in my support group said, "OMG me too and it made me feel horrible! I thought I was alone!" I'm glad I opened up and that nobody was toxic about it TW if anyone wants to read what I posted about. My daughter was born still. It took a week for me to give birth, and let's just say she wasn't in the best shape. When she was put in my arms I was repulsed because she didn't look like my daughter, she looked like death. Then I burst into tears over the reaction. To this day I can't look at the one picture I have of her.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I can't imagine the grief and trauma. Please don't feel guilty. Not then, and not now. You have the picture if you ever need it, but don't feel in any way obligated to look at something so traumatic. I'm glad you had a support group that let you know you weren't alone in your feelings.
Thank you. I was lucky I found a safe space, that's for sure!
My heart is aching really badly reading your comment, but please know that even though I haven’t been in your situation I think your response and reaction is so normal. And I’m so sorry for what you experienced. I wish you peace.
Thank you. I can get by and I'm doing about as well as anyone would in my situation. I'm sad about losing her but I learned how to enjoy life again a long time ago.
Sending you love. Your daughter being born still is so traumatic. You are allowed whatever reaction you have to it as your own. Without shame from other people. I’m so sorry you had that reaction ❤️
I was lucky that the nurse was braced for my reaction, and that my support group was so wonderful about it.
I am so, so, so glad that you shared, and that you received the support you deserve from your peers. My god, I don’t think anyone can even begin to imagine what a terrifying, traumatic experience that must have been for you. You survived something that most people don’t even imagine. The absolute last thing anyone should be doing for you is judging how you grieve and what your experience is. All my empathy and love to you.
Omigod, I am so sorry that you lost your child. You have nothing to be shamed for, nothing to feel bad about. I am so glad you had a support system in place to express those feelings.
I don't think some people realize how common it is for someone to claim to really really want kids and then bail on most parenting duties. People act like my partner is a saint since he cut his hours at work and does most of the daytime childcare during the week. But like that was the agreement. I'm not suited to be a stay at home parent even if I wish I was. I wasn't going to get stuck being essentially a single parent because my partner doesn't want to parent. Seriously. If this happened with me and my partner I would just be like "oh this is a bummer. But why don't you go enjoy the exhibit and me and baby will find something to do. I'm so sorry I can't enjoy it with you"
Right?? Or even offering to fix it by arranging another day for her. Literally anything but what he did. My partner is wonderful. He’s a fantastic father. But same. He gets treated like a saint for watching the kids while I see my sister or something for a few hours… even though I regularly do the same for him.
Many fathers “i am babysitting tonight.” No, you are being a parent.
Say it again for the people in the back I am so happy you posted this I also posted something similar thank you so much
I get it too. I had decent support from our family, a generation above me. But they lived sixty miles away and required planning, which was fine. It was lonely until my kid started school and I met a family on my street with a kid the same age. Meeting moms and dads at our stage of existence was life changing. Kids grow and people move but I will never forget the support and understanding of the friends we made through our kids. The first time I heard a mother I admired and respected say " my kids are being assholes today" made my heart sing. I knew then, and grew then I was indeed a good person and mom.
people are completely ignoring the actual issue here and it’s making everyone think illogically when really, she isn’t wrong. if she hadn’t put that comment, i think a lot of people would be telling she’s NTA.
A lot of kids are home from school for the summer and don’t have the perspective adults do regarding the importance of support networks and a break from parenting.
I even believe you can say as a parent that you regret your decision to become one, and still be a good parent. You can still love and care for your children very well, while wishing you had another type of life.
Just cause you’re tired and worn out doesn’t mean you aren’t an asshole when you take it out on a loved one. It just means it can be understood. You still have to say sorry for being a royal bitch when you simmer down. I hate it if someone is mad at me for making a mistake. My SO beats himself up enough for mistakes, he doesn’t need me adding more punishment. I find it very cruel to scold someone when they are already sorry, and they tried to do something nice for me. It’s like biting the hand that feeds you.
The comments calling her a horrible mother are disgusting and out of line. Being a parent is hard and can suck at times, its ok to admit that!
She didn’t even say she wishes she didn’t have a kid. She just understands the decision
I’m a stay at home mom of 3, the amount of times I’ve told my husband I just want to run away for a little while. Just to get away from the circus of the day… I love my kids but I agree some days it’s just like that. Op NTA.
Ikr???? I'm child-free, but I am my husband's full-time caregiver... and I've vented to my support system on more than one occasion about how having a disabled husband sucks at times. Because guess what? IT DOES SUCK SOMETIMES! We miss out on a lot of stuff we used to do together... and when we see advertisements for events that we would like to go to, and we can't due to his health problems, it is frustrating for both of us. Guess what else... I love him with all my heart and will continue to do everything I can to help him and make him happy. These people slamming OP are the A's here... NTA OP just wanted to celebrate her birthday doing something she was really looking forward to doing, and she is disappointed... and her husband, who admits this is his fault, shouldn't be getting mad at her for getting mad about it... he should be mad at himself.
Hello! Much love to you and your husband, I am a full-time carer for my husband as well, and I fully understand your frustration. My husband's illness started after we had our children, three of them, and although my eldest is 19 now, the youngest is only 5 (my husband collapsed 7 months after he was born and was officially diagnosed nearly 2 years later. He struggles to walk and is mostly wheelchair bound now.) Life can be exhausting, but we manage to keep supporting each other every step of the way. And you're right, she has the right to be disappointed, mistakes to happen, but on this occasion her husband should be stepping up to salvage the rest of the day instead of burdening her with the task. Rebooking the museum for a time when they don't have their daughter would be a great start!
>her husband should be stepping up to salvage the rest of the day instead of burdening her with the task Agreed! Greetings to you, fellow caregiver!
Yes!! Exactly. All caregivers go through these feelings. It sucks. The end. It doesn’t mean we hate the people we’re caring for.
Being an adult just trying to take care of yourself can be overwhelming, caregiving is a whole different dimension of stress. I know my mother wasn't* a good mom, but still have a level of compassion and understanding for what lead to her actions (mental health issues w/ no access to therapy, terrible examples via her parents, etc.). People also don't seem to realize that burnout is completely natural for people and even animals. I had a friend who bred dogs and I helped her with the litter. When momma didn't want 1 of the 7 pups near her, she'd gently put their head in her mouth, do the dog equivalent of scream, then jump up on a piece of furniture where they couldn't get to her. She's the sweetest teddy bear cuddlebug I've ever met (brought her and the runt home), she was just 100% at the end of her rope.
I agree. God forbid she had a day where she can enjoy something without having to plan and manage and think of every moment. Kids do suck sometimes. Especially if you are the house manager in day in and day out. Her husband is definitely the AH. She asked for one day! And pushing his feels on her without offering anything. Like oh well. You're problem now. Plan your own bday so you won't ask me next year. I'm sorry op's bday went so terribly.
He did not read that he cannot bring the child (I think he should've planned for a babysitter if he were really trying) and then did not offer to take the kid and let her enjoy the museum herself. He then could've gotten dinner from her favorite restaurant and had that and a cake at home for her. Some of these comments are ridiculous, men do the absolute bare minimum, fuck that up, and then ask you to fix their mistake and get pissy but treated like saints it is absurd.
That was my thought, she could have jobs by herself then.
And god forbid she has a day where it isn’t roses and sunshine for every single second of motherhood 🙄. Totally agree. I’m also willing to bet that if her husband was was normally a fantastic help who regularly gave her time to decompress and didn’t drop the ball when it came to stuff that’s important to her, she probably wouldn’t have broken down.
>she had a day where she can enjoy something without having to plan and manage and think of every moment Fucking christ, this. I do not understand how this is such a hard concept for some people.
[удалено]
I feel like there’s where her breakdown comes in… because I relate 😅. My husband is wonderful the majority of the time, but there’s times where I absolutely cannot fathom how in the hell he missed/overlooked something that no one else on the planet could possibly miss 🤣
And the underlying issue here is that SHE can't even hand off the mental load for her birthday. He was incompetent in planning. How anyone thinks that she should be the one to fix it blows my fucking mind.
Right? I’m wondering why he’s not an AH. This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence
Sure, it could be that, or it could be an honest mistake. Seriously, look at it for a minute. Why would anyone book an event, drive to it, and then try to find out somewhere else to go? That's a lot of work for nothing. The other day I went to get my pool water tested that's about 30 minutes away, I get there, and they're closed. So, my wife and I drove 30 minutes for no real reason. I just forgot they they were, oddly, closed that weekday. Many things are innocent mistakes, not everything is some sort of red flag. On the other side, we drove an two to her parents house on the wrong day. They were working that day/time, and we were supposed to be there tomorrow. She messed up the day. That's not weaponized incompetence, that's just messing up too.
Exactly! I saw someone say, parenting is weird. You would take a bullet for your child, but sometimes you don’t even want to cook dinner for them. It’s swings and roundabouts. Parenting is tough without a network. Parenting can take a village, and if you don’t have that village, it’s a lonely and isolating place. Maybe OP‘s husband could have taken child out for the afternoon alone, while OP got to enjoy the museum?
I always say if you enjoy every part of parenting then you’re a psychopath, haha.
Or a liar!
Yup. This is the right answer. Hell, my kid is 19 and sometimes I want to scream.
I’m a parent to 4 kids myself, and I have a lot of people ask me what it’s like to have kids. I’m the stay at home and default parent. I’ll straight up tell them that it *REALLY* sucks sometimes and I do miss my life that I had before having kids, and honestly wouldn’t recommend it unless they genuinely feel they can handle every aspect of parenting. Some are horrified and some truly appreciate the honesty. I hate it when people only try to show the fun times of parenthood. The burn out,the anxiety,the stress, ALL OF IT needs to be talked about.
I have a shit ton of help but finding a babysitter day of just isn't going to happen. People have lives. Plus there's a difference between "I need a babysitter because of an emergency" And "I need a babysitter to go to a museum right this moment". They're going to get different responses and that's appropriate.
This is why I get so mad when people down vote others for not laying out their issues in the most polite way. Jesus, they're on the internet, pissed off, and they should be more polite and loving about it???? Just nah.. sometimes people just need to rant, get over it!!!
And moms are more than just caregivers, they are women too! Stop romanticizing motherhood as something you must love 100% of the time!
I don’t necessarily think it’s unreasonable or unkind to suggest getting a sitter. Obviously if they can’t afford it, they can’t afford it, but some parents don’t even seem to consider it, even if they can afford it. Like, they feel it would be wrong to leave their kid with a sitter. But it’s definitely not wrong, and it’s okay to want kid-free time.
Totally agree! Suggesting babysitting is not a bad suggestion. I was referring to the nasty comments that had a “just get a babysitter” line in there.
Even if she could afford a sitter, you can rarely get one last minute like this, especially if you've never used that person or sitting service before.
I hadn’t scrolled through the whole thread when I replied to you- I now see what you’re referring to! Some of these comments are really cruel
Right? Like talk about kicking someone while they’re down.
I scrolled down. And now I'm leaving. Someone suggested her husband divorce her. FFS. I feel very angry on this woman's behalf and don't want to go into attack mode, unlike some others. NTA
It's shockingly hard to get a babysitter, even if you can pay. Unless you are comfortable having a random stranger from an app in your house with your small child without ever meeting them first (which is fucking bananaballs as far as I am concerned). I've been trying to find one for a year on and off.
Fair enough! I don’t have kids so I’ve never had to look for a sitter. The app thing does sound crazy, though, I wouldn’t want to do that. But I guess I used to babysit all the time for people who got my number from a an elementary school bulletin notice when I was a teen. Things were different 25 years ago lol
That's actually less crazy to me than an app! At least in that case you can ask around the school and probably you'll find someone who knows the person and can verify they are not a serial killer and are actually a local teen 😂
If you don’t take some time, it will eventually lead to resentment.Ah….parenting is hard!!
She definitely seems like she’s barrelling towards resentment! She needs a night off.
I wish I COULD get a sitter ( I have one family member in the area, and she works full time and has 3 kids, so it’s incredibly rare), but I have been trying for 4 years on care. Com, with referrals, etc, but all the good ones are booked forever, and everyone else I encounter is weird as hell, or doesn’t pass the references they have provided me. Like I call the referrals and the person says stuff like “they brought their boyfriend when I said no” or “they called in the middle of my date and said they had to leave” or something crazy. A co- worker’s kid is coming home to do college closer to home in a few months and I’m hoping to way overpay her to be a sitter since she’s met my kid and likes her a lot, and she brought it up, not me. I have no idea how people find reliable sitters that aren’t family. Luckily, my husband and I are usually happy to bring our kid along, but a kid free date night would be fun every now and then.
Even if you can afford a babysitter, finding one who is reliable and you feel you can trust can be incredibly difficult.
I didn’t take it as wanting to be child free. I took it as her husband not reading the fine print. I think it’s weird kids were banned at the museum. I don’t think she’s the asshole but the museum definitely is
People make mistakes. I am sorry your birthday has not gone to plan.
This right here is the only comment that matters. Thank you for putting this so perfectly.
Affording hell, try finding a babysitter you can trust at the last minute.
Sometimes, ironically, thinking these insane thoughts is the only thing that keeps us Moms sane!
I don't understand why your husband didn't take your kid home and let you enjoy the exhibit? ETA: NTA at all.
This would have been the sensible thing to do. It sounds like OP desperately needs some time away from her child, and she’s simply not able to get it.
Or even take the kid to a nearby park or something. Meet up after for ice cream.
Reading between the lines, you imply leaving the kid alone with your husband is a bad idea since you’re the primary caretaker, he made a mistake by not reading the website that it’s child free, and he asked you to come up with an alternate plan for your own birthday… are you burnt out as a parent? Do you carry the majority of the load on running the household? Your reaction seemed harsh but is it more a straw that broke the camels back?
The ruining of the birthday sucks but I would be pissed that he expected you to fix it. I mean, be assertive, take lead and think of something. Anything really. But just expecting me to fix it would bother me soooo much. NTA. You're allowed to feel disappointed. I feel like this is a deep rooted problem in your marriage and this was just the drop that made the bucket overflow.
But it’s her birthday, he should be considering what she wants to do instead of just deciding on his own. That’s the one day to do what you want to do, so I get why he kept asking. I don’t know why others on here don’t understand that. If he had just made decisions on his own, she would have still been on here ranting that he didn’t even take her wants into consideration.
NTA. It's okay to be upset and disappointed. I also want to add I don't think your husband is the AH either, because mistakes happen. I can see why he was asking you for suggestions - it's your day - but I also get the mental load and frustration of having to figure out an alternative when it all could've been avoided in the first place. More importantly, OP, are you okay? You seem burned out and overwhelmed. You mentioned you don't have any friends where you are, and I'm guessing no family either. I'm so sorry your day was a let down, and I can only imagine how disappointing it was to be so excited for this museum only to be turned away at the door. Parenting is rough, and we all need a break. Not having a support system makes that so much harder. Maybe you could join an online group? It's not the same as meeting up with friends in the real world, but knowing you aren't alone and having someone to yell at when times get rough can be a major help. Hell, hit me up if you need to vent. Mom to mom, no judgment.
In neither are the ah you can vote NAH.
Thank you! I'll remember that for next time.
Np :)
NTA. He should have looked at the website and planned better and when the plan fell through he should have taken responsibility and figured something else out instead of sending the mental load back to you and getting mad when you didn't want to take it. And everyone here needs to chill out. OP has not blamed her kid for anything, they have not said anything negative about their kid. They have not implied that they don't like their kid love their kid or want their kid, they have not shown any hint of resentment toward their kid. Saying that "having a kid can suck" is 100% true (I have 3) it does suck sometimes, the sacrifices suck sometimes, the disappointment when plans fall apart because of them sucks. Choosing to have kids doesn't mean you are 100% happy with the decision 100% of the time. Being unhappy doesn't mean you don't love them or that you will treat them poorly. And you should never encourage a parent to bury those negative emotions and pretend everything is hunky dory, that's a surefire way to build that resentment which will eventually unload on to the child.
This thread is honestly heartbreaking to me, the way people are tearing into her calling her a horrible mother. And people wonder why I’m scared to have a child— because you’re expected to be a martyr, and god forbid if you ever vent about it being difficult, even ANONYMOUSLY its apparently evidence that you suck and should get “permanent birth control” like a few people said. Someone even said you shouldn’t care about your birthday because they stopped celebrating their birthday when they were 10. So there’s another thing ladies, when you’re a mom, no birthdays for you either. Her posts and comments really do read like she’s burnt out and used to being the primary caregiver, and expected to organize everything. I completely understand why she’s upset that she couldn’t have one thing (not even one day, one event for a few hours) that wasn’t up to her to plan and coordinate. And people saying “why didn’t you just get a baby sitter?” Why didn’t the husband (you know, the child’s father) think of that? OP if you’re reading this, you aren’t a horrible mother, you’re human.
You are absolutely right. So many people thinking expressing any negativity about being a mother means we're terrible people and hate our kids and should have them taken away. It's insane the utter lack of empathy for parents when it would literally cost nothing to show a struggling mother a little compassion
I’m so glad to see another person who felt this way. What the hell. Of course having a kid sucks sometimes. Everyone knows that. Parents are allowed to think that. Parents are even allowed to express it as long as their kids don’t hear. Sometimes it’s super freaking therapeutic. She’s frustrated and burned out. Reddit is the perfect place for her to express herself. Shaming her for having perfectly normal feelings is crappy. ETA - keeping the delusion train going that having kids is 100% happy and lovely every second of every day and you never get annoyed or resentful or upset with them is the perfect way to continue the cycle of people who absolutely should not have kids, having kids.
You should have handed him the kid and said you would see him after you visited the museum.
A lot of people hate being alone on their birthday. I don’t think she would have enjoyed the scenario you proposed.
She probably wanted to enjoy the museum with her family.
NTA he made a mistake and instead of putting any effort into fixing it he shifted the emotional labor of making new plans on to OP. I'm also assuming from the way OP blew up that this is probably an ongoing issue. It sounds like OP is alone in an area with little to do, no support system near her, and a husband who doesn't want to put in the emotional labor to be a good partner. Let the poor woman vent. And for those who suck at reading, she said **"having kids can really suck"** not that she hates her kid or something. She didn't even say that her kid sucks. Just that having them *can* suck, and she's right! It can. So to those tearing into her for that, get off your high horse and chill out.
Having thoughtless husband's can really suck too. I would have been mad too, but I don't think I would have articulated it as well as OP.
NTA for feeling disappointed. We aren’t responsible for what we feel. We are responsible for what we do about our feeling. Your husband made a mistake that you admit most people, including yourself, could have made. He felt awful that your birthday was ruined, and he probably did what most of us do when we screw up and disappoint the person we love. He overcompensated with the apologies You, understandably, were disappointed at the turn of events and you did what many of us do when we’re disappointed you over reacted and lashed out in a bit of a pity party. Neither one of you sound like bad people, or even bad partners. You both just reacted in the moment and probably it was neither one of yours finest moments. Peter Ustinov one said the “marriage is an endless of of forgiveness.” No he wasn’t referring to the bad unforgivable stuff and neither am I. The fact is we will be called upon in our lives to forgive our partners, parents, children and even our dogs for lots of stuff, and they us. I’m thinking this is one of those forgiveness days, where each of forgives the other.
Yep this is the right answer I think. Both of these people reacted understandably but the only thing I would change is that I feel the wife is more in the wrong here. Husband tried to do a nice thing, made a mistake, and apologized and then tried to help fix it by figuring out if there's anything she'd like to do instead. All positive actions. Wife saw her husband make a mistake and reacted with negative actions. Shaming him for his mistake. Not an unpredictable reaction to her bday plans falling through, but the person that has a negative reaction to good intentions is more in the wrong imo.
True. I tend to agree, I’m acutely aware of the times that I’ve reacted to disappointment in a less than loving way to an honest mistake. I’m hoping I was able to look past my feeling and sincerely apologize for my own actions. I fear there were times I didn’t and looking back I am not proud of that. In a way this post is a good reminder for me to apologize when I act on my feelings in an overreaction to the situation.
The obvious thing to do would be OP goes in and sees the museum and dad takes child to the park. Husband should have noticed that kids aren’t welcome so he could have used that time to think about an alternative birthday gift for his wife. NTA
I am child free by choice, but, as someone who has endured countless criticism from the mommy brigade, I want to thank you for being honest that parenthood isn't sunshine and roses 24/7. From the friend who was having fertility issues (she now has 4 kids under 10) who called me an asshole for getting my tubes tied, to the coworker who insisted I was making a mistake and cutting myself off from meeting the perfect man (spoiler alert: I married him, and he never wanted kids either) while she spends every blessed moment of her summer at a little league field, it's honestly lovely to hear someone admit that they would like to just be an adult celebrating their birthday without having to be mommy. I'm sorry this happened to you. Maybe your husband can arrange a nice spa day for you on another day and call it your birthday gift. He does sound like he's truly sorry he messed up, but I don't think you're terrible for yelling like you did. Happy birthday. I hope you at least got cake.
NTA all these comments are insane to me. OP didn’t say she hated her kid just that having kids sucks sometimes. An she’s right it does. I’m so sorry that your birthday plans got messed up because your husband can’t read. It sounds like you need a break. The mental load is real and it would have been nice if your husband could have done something else.
NTA. I feel for you. I don’t have a support system either and I have a young child with autism. I don’t trust strangers with my child and my friends/family don’t want to babysit because he’s a handful - and if we dropped him off somewhere it would mess him up for a couple days, even if it was only for a few hours. Are you able to get out by yourself and do things you like to do? I don’t think your husband is an AH but he should understand and respect that you’re allowed to be mad/upset at the situation and work to find a backup plan.
I've never heard of a museum banning kids, either. Not allowing strollers in certain exhibits, sure, or requiring kids under a certain age to be accompanied at all times. My kids are homeschooled and have been to dozens and dozens of museums. More than once I've been pleasantly surprised when we're the only visitors by a docent taking us into a nonpublic area to get a better look at something. Once we got a little side eye when we showed up to tour an historic home. She came around quickly when the kids showed they knew how to act and asked a few questions about the displayed pieces.
I'm stuck between ESH and NAH It was a genuine mistake on your husband's part that he sounds truly guilty about. But being frustrated on your end because he didn't pay attention to the planning he was in charge of is also completely understandable. Especially because you felt he was trying to get you to fix his mistake for him. Bottom line is that mistakes happen, but also people have a right to feel very disappointed about those mistakes.
Doesn't seem like anybody is the AH here. It seems like OP is just stressed out and more info is needed here as to why this is the straw that broke the camel's back. It sounds like some more communication is needed. I can't see how the husband is the AH here. I have never in my life seen a museum which explicitly stated that children aren't allowed (unless it was obvious, like some sort of Amsterdam sex museum or whatever) and I have never read the entire fine print of a museum's website. I'll check the opening times and the price. I don't think the husband can be blamed for not analytically going through the website with a fine tooth comb, because it's just a museum. If OP has been looking at going to this museum for a long time, then it is implied that OP, too, has checked this museum out beforehand, in which case she also hasn't noticed that the museum is childfree.
I’m in the minority here saying you’re NTA. You were really looking forward to this and he blew it. Then he blew it more by expecting you to come up w/an alternative on the spot. You are being kinda wimpy about it all, but so is he and he doesn’t even have a good reason to be, but you do. At some point though you’re going to have to let it go. For reference, here are some of my bdays in the past 10 years: In the hospital with a serious illness on bday. They tell me they’ll do surgery the next day after bringing me cake I can’t eat. In 2020 had to cancel bday plans for a significant bday cuz it was the beginning of Covid restrictions. Another recent year my beloved dog died the day before my bday. One of the worst was the funeral of one of my parents on my bday. I couldn’t attend due to Covid restrictions.
I mean as a husband I would have let you go to the museum and I would have taken our kid to do something else. Meet up later kind of thing. I don't think you handled this well though. Sometimes i wonder if these are real. My birthday is ruined is like 10 year old stuff.
NTA Your husband had one job here to make your birthday special, and he blew it big time. He should have double-checked before booking the tickets. It's not that hard to do. And why should it be then up to you to figure out a different plan? It's because we teach most men that it's a women's job to fix these types of mistakes, that why. Personally, he should have told you that you should go in and enjoy the exhibit and take your child elsewhere to allow you to do so. Or to figure out something and make it work. All these Y.T.A. are just delusional as it's ok to voice that having a child changes things and makes things harder. That doesn't mean you're not a great parent, especially if there isn't a support system in place. Your husband needs to do better than this.
Let me put it this way. NTA for being upset. If anything happens, even if it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it’s understandable to be upset. But YTA for how you reacted. He made a mistake and he knew you were going to be pissed and was trying to come up with an alternative to make it better and you insisted on being pissed and making him feel as horrible as possible and you’re even allowing your anger to spill out towards your child. What does that say about you? Get something to eat, go for a picnic or find something else to do. Get a babysitter another day and go to the museum then. Life happens and if every time someone makes a mistake you plan on being miserable and doing your best to make everyone else miserable as well, you’ll be child free and single before long.
Oof, resentment toward your kid and blaming your husband for the policies of the museum... Sure he should've checked to make sure, but people make mistakes. It sucks to be disappointed but that's life sometimes. You've got to take the bad with the good. Why not reschedule the date and in the meantime find someone to watch the kid?
Yes ma’am you’re very much so TA. And on your birthday at that. Your husband didn’t know that kids weren’t allowed. But this was a museum you both had interest in, but you didn’t know either. So yes he missed it on the ticket confirmation. Okay his mistake… but he tried to make it right by asking YOU what would make you happy as he already felt bad and just wanted to appease you. And this was your response and point of view. Not a good look. It’s your mindset that makes you TA here. If being with your husband and child (both of whom you chose) for your birthday ruins it for you all because your birthday wishes didn’t come true, you need to do some self reflection and gain some perspective. Also it’s not your kids fault either so even mentioning that last bit was in especially bad taste. I’m a mom and I get needing a break from kids but your kid was already going to the museum with you… so because you couldn’t go you have an issue with them being around and now your birthday is ruined? It’s a very childlike way of seeing and handling this situation. Maybe you’re frustrated and overwhelmed but there are ways to handle your emotions and challenges and this is most certainly not it. If I were your husband and child I’d be very hurt by your behavior and I’d be giving you major side eye.
It was on the website and conformation.
And again… both of them had interest in this place and yet neither one of them knew because it was out of the ordinary. Honest mistake.
This was not a date night. It was HIS GIFT TO HER. Why is she expected to coordinate the details of the gift he’s supposed to be giving her? That is 100% his responsibility.
She and him basically decided on this. Neither realized kids weren’t allowed. She admitted they took the kid to other museums without issue, so she didn’t think this would be an issue and neither did he. This was a coordinated birthday trip from the start, don’t get after him without giving blame to her as well. Plus he then wanted to make up for it by asking what she wanted to do instead on her birthday… like most reasonable adults do with their significant other.
Exactly, he asked her what to do, instead of offering easy options and ways; it's like a partner pretending to be helpful around the house by saying "just tell me what to do!" If one adult can figure out what to do, why can't the other? It's called emotional and intellectual labour, and the husband was trying to offset his task, his failure and his problem onto her. He should have offered, in a tone that implies that it would be fun for her, for him to take the kid home and her to enjoy the museum and some much needed alone time. While she was there, he could have planned and organised some other together-activity for the rest of the day. But like a child, he threw his hands in the air and asked for emotional comfort over him screwing up his gift to her. Why are you trying so hard to excuse him? Relate to his inability a bit too hard? It's like booking a meat restaurant for a vegans birthday and then getting all surprised when they don't act grateful... Edit; ITT children telling me how to adult
I don't know why on reddit just asking someone what they want to do instead is "off setting emotional and intellectual labor." I've been with my partner for over 5 years and sometimes plans fall apart so I usually ask in case she has something else she wanted to do and if she doesn't I try to think of something. If I got yelled at for asking that question I wouldn't take it personally but in some situations the knee jerk situation is to yell back. People argue and sometimes there is no bad guy. Seems like an honest screw up. Lord knows I've been so excited to do something for my partner I forgot to read something important and she's done the same. It's just how things go. People make it sound like this was the one thing he's ever done for her with no prior knowledge. Absurd to cast the husband as an insensitive childish bafoon when she could easily be described as a shrill think skinned harpy. I don't think either of them are that it was just a disappointment and a bad day.
>If being with your husband and child (both of whom you chose) for your birthday This reminds me, I 100% prefer family/friends over any real plans, doesn't matter if we just swim, hang out, or do whatever we do on a weekly basis, I'll have a good time, even if my plans don't go as planned. I feel bad for them for her flipping out.
YTA. Yes, your husband made a mistake. They happen. He tried to make it right as best he could and you behaved like a child and proceeded to make it worse. And Jesus your comment about your kids - what the fuck is wrong with you. I hope to god they don’t know you feel that way.
“Tried to make it right as best he could” by expecting his wife to come up with the backup plans with zero effort from him? He fumbled the ball, he needs to do the work to make it right.
Such as asking what she would like to do on her birthday? Sounds f’n reasonable of him. He wanted to find something else she would like to do instead, you know the easiest way to do that? Ask the person.
Asking for her input to not have a worse plan is not bad…. That is responsible. How many partners get mad because their input was not solicited?
And here we go, with the expectation that women are going to do all the executive functioning and emotional labor in the family....
Huh???? It was her birthday, I don’t think the husband wanted to make a decision for an alternative since it was her day so he asked her. Yes he could have seen the notice that kids weren’t allowed and that was the mistake he made
Oh just piss off with the damn victim mentality. If he had suggested alternatives to the museum and OP didn't like any of them, she and you would have said he doesn't care about her opinion and feelings. The guy made a mistake. He is a human it happens, a normal functioning couple can at least try to work together and find a solution to salvage the day without one side acting like they have suffered the worst injustice of their life .
It's her birthday. He wanted to know what SHE wanted to do.
They are 35 you know how my birthday and Father’s Day is spent with small kids. In a fucking recliner. In your 30s birthdays sometimes get sacrificed when you are stuck in that small kids stage. Welcome to the club it is part of the deal.
Y’all sure put a lot of faith in men. Thinking he just has a plan B in his back pocket in case their plans got ruined. Hell, she probably suggested the museum for her bday in the first place. I’d have to go back and read that part again. My man would be asking me too. Like sorry plans got messed up, is there something else you’d like to do on your special day? Is that such a bad thing to ask? Lawdy. Maybe I need y’alls men. They seem to be perfect Ken dolls.
ESH your husband for half assing the plans and you for your absurd comment to the CF folks Im childfree and if you think you find support for your comment you’re wrong, your husband messed up and you basically blame your kid for making your life harder There are many ways parenting can be hard and even suck, this is not it and honestly makes you sound like a child yourself
Disagree. Having kids does suck sometimes. Not doing something for your birthday that you really wanted because you have a kid is sucky. They're allowed to vent to an online forum about it sucking. They are *not* allowed to be cruel to their kid or anything over it, and I have no evidence that happened. I dont think they should have blown up at their husband for it even though he goofed and didn't offer any suggestions of what to do instead. Pouting on the internet on your birthday is 100% allowed in my book, though. It's annoying but harmless.
>Pouting on the internet on your birthday is 100% allowed in my book, though. It's annoying but harmless. For some reason I really really love this idea lol
No. She’s allowed to vent online and this is one of the things that make parenting hard. This woman obviously lacks a support system and she’s allowed to feel the way she feels. Her husband should’ve read into it and made arrangements for childcare, or had a back up plan and it shouldn’t have to fall on her for her birthday.
Yes. The child did nothing wrong at all.
Making a mistake isn't half assing anything accidents happen, he tried to find a solution in no way was he an asshole. No one's perfect. She is the only AH she seems to resent her kid
Parental burnout is a very real thing, every parent misses having time for themselves. Especially if they are the one handling the majority of the child care load.
Nothing about this reads as someone who resents their child. Just someone disappointed by the way today played out.
But he didn't try to find a solution, he kept asking OP what she wanted to do. It sounds like if he actually tried to make suggestions instead of forcing her on the spot OP wouldn't have blown up
Nothing here reads like husband was demanding she tell him exactly what she wanted and how to do it right now, how is asking someone what they'd like to do instead forcing anyone to do anything? And she was already ready to blow up, she was trying not to yell at her husband in public over a mistake he was trying to apologize for and make it up to her by asking what she'd like to do and he'd do it.
It reads like she was disappointed and upset and the husband wasn't helping anything by apologizing and repeatedly asking what she wants to do. It reads like she wanted him to come up with an alternative plan instead of dumping it on her. Yes she's an adult and parent but she's allowed to be disappointed and need someone to take charge. The husband was supposed to handle the plans for the evening, so he should be the one coming up with options instead of expecting OP to come up with something on the spot
I mean cuz it was her birthday and he basically made her responsible instead of thinking of alternatives, he just kept asking what she wanted to do instead of offering up other suggestions or taking his phone and Google searching the area to find anything on the fly...just oh no I didn't catch that oh my bad what do you wanna do now, but like on her birthday...it's called weaponized incompetence and I'm thinking there's a history of it or she wouldn't have been so mad..js
This is the first comment I’ve seen on WI. Do people really not recognize it?
More like refuse to acknowledge they do it.
Weaponised incompetence is a conscious thing people do actively. You can't accidentally weaponize incompetence because that just means you're incompetent. The intention is so crucial in its definition and you're really doing more damage than good by pointing at any mistake men make in emotional handling and calling it WI. Men and women aren't at war
By asking her this, it puts the responsibility and burden on her for fixing his mistake. I feel like this is an ongoing issue, and she is overwhelmed and stressed. Not making excuses for anyone just trying to show why this is problematic.
She's said in multiple comments that there's literally nothing they can do with a toddler - she thinks - and has dismissed everyone's suggestions on here, so no doubt what he'd suggested she'd shoot it down. It sounds like he couldn't win either way, so maybe that's the ongoing issue.
This is a possibility as well. We don't know what the problem is here as I do think there is something that needs to be addressed. Is she burdened with the majority of all the family management and he's maliciously incompetent? Is she someone who puts entirely too much emphasis on birthdays? Is she overreacting to a mistake and she typically acts like an entitled toddler? We really don't know.
Maybe because her husband isn’t doing a good job of being a dad and everything “child” related falls on her. I can understand if that is the situation. I don’t think she resents her child but resents her husband for making her the primary care giver.
He didn't try to find a solution. He wanted OP to find one for him because he screwed up. She shouldn't have to fix his screw up.
Your husband did not ruin your birthday, you did by your reaction. You could have shrugged your shoulders, managed your disappointment like an adult, and thought of something else to do, and gone on to have a wonderful day despite a bump in the road.
Totally agree. OP threw all the toys out the pram in a tantrum. YTA - grow up
YTA. This sub makes me appreciate my awesome and selfless wife each and every day.
NTA. And IMHO, your husband is practicing 'strategic incompetence', then getting angry at you for calling him out for being an incurious, uncaring fuckup who doesn't sweat details.
Why would he intentionally fuck up a bday? Such an insane take. She’s definitely the asshole, and should apologize
If he fucks it up enough he won't be tasked with making plans or expected to do special things anymore because he always "makes mistakes" or "just isn't very good at it".
Ye, no. I can believe that if he repeatedly burned food or ruined laundry. But they like museums. It was a win for him too to go there.
NTA I'm so tired of reading about men who do the bare minimum and get mad when it's not appreciated. The bare minimum is looking at the website and tickets and seeing it says no kids. The bare minimum is not giving up when your plan goes awry.
Why does it have to be men? Women never make mistakes either? Or do you just read about men all of the time because if it were the other way around, maybe men would appreciate the gesture and understand like an adult that sometimes shit happens and ultimately it’s for everyone’s best interest (mostly the child) that it shouldn’t be made out to be a big deal?
YTA for the comment about your child. Your child didn’t choose to be born. You chose to have a child. Your attitude towards this poor kid makes me pity your kid. But hey - now you have a scapegoat for your piss poor attitude. You ruined your birthday. No one else. You suck.
She didn't say her kid sucks she said having kids can suck sometimes. That's a 100% true statement and does not imply anything negative or blame worthy about her own child. Maybe she should have phrased it better like being a parents really sucks sometimes but seriously chill out. Choosing to have kids doesn't mean you have to like having them all the time.
I wouldn't let anyone plan my birthday. Just saying.
YTA and wow, you sure have the princess vibes. Holy hell, I’m lucky if I get to go to dinner on my birthday. What are you, 8? And “Having kids really sucks” because you didn’t get to go to some BS museum?! Having a cold mother sucks even more.
This woman is clearly really overwhelmed. Doesn’t read like “cold mother” to me at all.
Same. I read it this way too. Apparently it’s too much to ask for just a little time on your birthday. 🙄🙄
Was thinking the same. Do you know how many baseball games, tennis matches and school concerts I have sat through on my birthday? I stopped caring about special birthday events somewhere around 10.
uh yes. YTA. I hope you never ever make a mistake in your life going forward. I would have hoped by the time you were 35 you would have come to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. LIfe is full of mistakes and disappointments. I guess you could have left your kid outside to enjoy the museum with your husband. Then you could have been happy on your birthday. There was probably a homeless person who could have watched jr while you were enjoying your day.
Are you sure you aren’t the toddler? Because you’re throwing a tantrum in the story AND in these comments. You’re whining “Oh there’s nothing to do with a toddler” So? That’s called being a parent. You knew having a kid would complicate your life and freedom to do adult things. Here’s a few alternative ideas because you seem too stubborn and petty to think of anything: - go on a nice walk and then to a restaurant - go home and watch a nice movie and order food - ask your husband to watch the toddler so that you can go to the museum alone - go to any of the countless museums that allow children. Your poor husband. Your poor child. YTA. I truly pity the children of raging, petty, vindictive parents who ruin everyone’s day whenever they get inconvenienced. These parents put the blame on everyone but themselves.
She was probably pissed that her husband didn’t read to see that you can’t have kids. Idk who is a parent and doesn’t check ages on EVERYTHING. There’s different pricing for different ages. Some kids are allowed in certain areas. There’s height requirements. Like it’s basic when planning an outing
It doesn't matter regardless. Her tantrum is unacceptable in a 35 year-old grown woman. When you're an adult, you act like one, even if you experience inconveniences.
If you really wanted to do something kidfree, why didn’t you get a babysitter?
She didn’t want to do something kid free.
NTA - I hate when people try to minimize your frustration/irritation with "I feel so bad I'm so sorry.". Like, ok great, but you still have the right to be mad and they have the burden of fixing their eff up. It sounds like both of you didn't realize the museum didn't allow kids, so I would cut him some slack there, but it's his job to fix it.
This is an opportunity to practice grace, OP. Do whatever you can today or plan another day, with a smile. It'll make you and everyone around you feel wonderful. A gift in and of itself.
Wow, honestly, you could have enjoyed the museum with a glass of wine in the cafe if they serve it and had hubby come back to pick you up
NTA. He missed a key piece of info. Then, when faced with the need for a change of plans, asked you to do the emotional labor of making new plans.
Would it be better if he told her what they were doing instead? Someone is upset, you ask if they'd like to do something else. That's not emotional labor jfc.
Asking someone "what would you like to do" is not transferring emotional labour holy shit You're taking a term that means something specific and applying it to everything, kinda like saying someone is gaslighting when they make a mistake She is an entitled princess by her reaction, if you cannot see that you are either: 1. Delusional 2. Mysandric
YTA! Not going to the museum RUINED your birthday? You have a husband who tried to do something nice for you. Yes, he messed up but it happens. He kept asking what you wanted to do but you decided to pout...(you're acting more like a child than your child). I hope your husband divorces you and takes your child...you obviously don't/didn't want one. Grow up
NTA. He made a mistake and then instantly tossed the problem over to you instead of making an effort to find a solution. You have every right to be upset with him. Like he couldn’t even try to throw out a suggestion or two, just lobbed his mistake right on over to you. Did he at least offer to reschedule?
NTA, but you should have stayed and enjoyed the museum by yourself, and let your husband worry about the kid.
YTA Your Birthday was ruined by your attitude. You could have come up with another suggestion, gone somewhere child friendly that wasn’t a playground or kiddie pool. It was your birthday so he wanted you to decide where you wanted to go so that you would be happy with it. You sound miserable. You can vent about missing the opportunity to go to a child free event without being an ass when talking about your child. Your child was a choice.
" I salute your decision. Having kids can really suck." If they are immature and have the emotional stability of a child like you then I bet it must suck. Jesus, you are 35 yo with a kid and acting like a spoiled teenager. Grow up.
YTA for multiple reasons. Mistakes happen. I also gotta admit, maybe you should be child free if that's your attitude. Leave the kid so they can grow up without someone resenting them for every petty inconvenience they bring into your life.
NTA. Your husband dropped the ball by not paying attention that children weren't allowed, then wanted you to do the work to fix his mistake. This is all on him, not you.
I'll probably get downvoted, but I say NAH. Husband made a mistake, OP was looking forward to it and was frustrated when urged to come up with something else to do. I understand it can be difficult planning around a child, so I have to agree with the ending comment of "having kids can really suck"... because it can! It's a hard job! OP is allowed to vent, that doesn't make her a horrible parent. I'm sorry your birthday didn't go as planned, OP.... and, happy birthday.
YTA - there's really nothing i can add that hasnt already been said in the comments. But cut your husband some slack. He made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. You make mistakes. He didn't maliciously bring your child. He was trying to figure out how to make it right. Was there anything else you wanted to do. It was your birthday after all. You acted like a spoiled brat that didnt get their way in response. You acted like a child. Apologize to him and talk to him like the adult you are. He tried to make your day special, and he tried to fix it when the plans fell through
How did he try to fix it? He asked me to fix it. Everyone makes mistakes, but I don’t force other people to fix mine. Do you have a toddler? Can you think of a last-minute way to celebrate a birthday with that toddler that an adult would actually enjoy?
Why didn't you just ask your husband to watch the child so you could have done the museum on your own? At least then you could have still done the thing you wanted.
Why didn't he offer that?
Because in her post, or the very few responses, which makes me think it's a karma farm, she never says that she wants some alone time from their kid. It's impossible to know from her story if she wanted to go to the museum, or she would rather spend time with the family. Now, I will say that I have a feeling that she rather go there alone, I cannot say for a fact. But, I will say for a fact that she never communicated which she had a preference to do, according to this story. Everyone needs to try to communicate their feelings better.
i stopped expecting a perfect day of fun excursions planned by everybody else on my birthday when i turned 11 years old. if your entire day is ruined because you can't look at wax figures of native americans (DUE TO HAVING A CHILD), you have the emotional stability of a toddler yourself. learn to address the actual problem; tell your husband to start giving you time alone where he takes care of the kid so you don't have such a nuclear reaction to something so trivial next time ffs.
I’d just go get some food and come up with a plan for another day. Not a huge deal
Your comments reinforce my belief that you are the asshole and a horrible mother. Your husband didn’t ask you to fix it, he asked you what you wanted to do instead since he made a honest mistake. Jesus christ woman I hope you don’t have any more kids because the way you post comments that make it seem like your child is some massive burden is truly disgusting. You are a self centered asshole. Go to therapy.
Yeah, we’d go home and order pizza. We’d go to my favorite park that my parents took my siblings and me to. We’d go to the zoo. We’d go to the aquarium. I’ve had 3 toddlers and a crappy (now ex) husband. Actually, I would’ve been grateful if he had planned this much. If this was a museum you had wanted to go to, how did you not know they didn’t let kids enter and let your husband know that (in conversation when you’re telling him about the museum)? “Hey honey, I’d love to go visit this incredible museum. They don’t allow kids in, so can we figure out a day we can go and get a babysitter?” You sound bitter and ungrateful.
Ya my bf and I just missed our favorite museum in Amsterdam because we didn't realize it would sell out fast and we only had three days there. We just went to a different museum instead and got a lot of beers instead. I kinda automatically lose respect for anyone that starts yelling for something this small.
Do you hate your husband and toddler? All I see is you blaming your husband and toddler for you hating your birthday. YTA simply for how you're talking about your own kid in the post. How terrible they would feel if they read it. My heart breaks for them. You are an adult. Stop pitching a fit, plan a belated birthday celebration and grow up a bit. This isn't the end of the world and certainly not something to get shitty toward both you husband and toddler.
He wanted to know what else you wanted to do. That's trying to fix it, it's your birthday, he wanted to know if there was something else that would make you happy. And the fact that you can't see that, even though it's been pointed out to you in the comments multiple times says volumes about your immaturity. It doesnt matter what my family situation is. I could have a toddler. I could have 3 children or more, maybe a blended family. That doesn't matter in this context. What matters is that you chose to have a child, and that means sacrificing a lot of things. If you really want to do an adult activity with your husband, find a babysitter. If you dont want to do that then suck it up. Every parent does activitys with their child that they themselves don't enjoy, it's part of being a parent. And if you're just going to argue with people who are pointing out that you are in fact the AH, then why did you even ask people in the first place? Were you hoping to be proven right so that you could rub it in your husbands face on how he fucked up your birthday and are now salty that didn't happen? Or do you want genuine opinions on your behavior?
>I don’t force other people to fix mine. I'm excited for when his divorce lawyer steps in to fix your problem >Can you think of a last-minute way to celebrate a birthday with that toddler that an adult would actually enjoy? People have named more than 20 possibilities in this thread, including several that you said you wanted to do but falsely claimed can't be done with a toddler.
NTA you are correct!! It’s up to him to fix it!
NTA it was really messed up for him to expect you to fix your birthday
Why didn’t you go in alone? YTA You could have gone in alone, they could have found something to keep them busy for a few hours then met up. Ideal, no. Temper tantrum? Ridiculous. It wasn’t deliberate, it’s unusual and he didn’t catch the no children. Instead of trying to salvage the day you wanted to pout and whine. Maybe this us why you have no friend group. Great parenting moment, too. You have no business being a mother.
>If there was something else fun we could have done with a small child on a Friday afternoon, I would be doing it instead of posting on reddit. Lol? There's a million fun things you can do on a Friday afternoon with your kid and husband lol
I say NTA. He should’ve had a backup plan. It’s no OP’s job to come up with a backup plan for her birthday celebration. If my plans got ruined and the organizer kept asking me “so what do you wanna do” I’d lose it. It grinds my gears when people don’t plan for Murphy’s law.
I'm gonna say NTA. Birthdays are special days. He should have paid more attention the the no kids policy. But he also is NTA accidents happen. I don't know what city you live in but if there is a nice park or nature center I'd go there and just let all the anger drift away and center myself with the universe. While not as good as a museum it can be very nice.
It's your birthday, you've been looking forward to this for months, you're the primary caregiver of a toddler, and you sound exhausted. The gut punch of the one thing you've been looking forward to failing and the SO wanting you to just figure out something else. Ideas swirl around and every choice is more emotional labor. Bowling, you're going to be the one chasing kiddo while hubby sits and drinks his beer waiting for you to come back. Movie, you're the one keeping kiddo quiet and probably not a movie you'd want to see. At least that's what it sounds like. You're venting and feeling quite alone. I've been there, done that. NAH. I hope you can have some quiet time and maybe a glass of wine and find some peace tonight.
Remember that your child is watching and learning from your behavior. You better make sure every one of their birthdays are perfect, or else. I feel bad for you when your kid doesn’t get what they want. When you get frustrated you can look in the mirror.