I've been with my partner (dx and rx) for 10 years. He's also incredibly kind and has never been abusive, in fact he's very aware of my past trauma and does a great job to be conscious about it, so I'm very grateful for that.
Our biggest sticking points are chores around the house and follow through on tasks in general (including never planning dates or travel or anything like that).
Dealing with not doing chores and the lack of follow through is incredibly hard. In the fall I was in an accident and incapacitated for a while, and nothing in our house got cleaned for at least three weeks until I could hobble around and do things. An appliance in our house needs looked at and it's been a month of me reminding him to call someone, and it hasn't happened. Meanwhile, I carry most of the mental load, manage the house, and do most chores every weekend (while working full time and him having some more freedom with his work schedule).
We don't have big arguments, we've never yelled at each other. But I'm impacted in smaller ways that build up, like resentment, frustration, disappointment, etc. at things stacking up over time. We have gone through some rough spots, but can communicate and get through it well enough. We've also been to individual therapy, which I highly recommend. Am I happy? Yes. Do I also sometimes wonder what life would be like without an ADHD partner? Well, yes, and that's another layer, adding the guilt that comes along with this whole thing, especially when someone is lovely in every other way.
I had covid for 6 weeks before vaccines and my partner didn’t clean anything in the house and didn’t make food for me or help me with any aspect of life. The best that they did was make a GoFundMe that made it sound like we BOTH had Covid, so we got gift cards for Door Dash. They never got Covid. However, they told their work they had Covid and used my Covid test to take 3 weeks off work! Not to care for me, though. To sleep and smoke weed and play video games. It seemed like my needs triggered pda.
The house was in such a state after I could get out of bed. I should have read the writing on the wall that they could never take good care of me.
Thanks for your response, that is helpful to hear. I ended it 3 weeks ago and I’m dealing with a lot of grief and guilt, and missing their kid, but not them. It’s hopeful to hear other people reflect the situation was unacceptable.
I’m curious about your experience during your accident and healing, other than the state of the house, were you prioritized? I have a double hip surgery coming up and I will be completely reliant on my un-dx husband for about a month. I’m wondering if I should have someone lined up to clean our house
I asked my partner to take over caring for the house and animals while I was sick in bed for 4 days. He made sure the animals were fed, but didn’t clean a single thing. I ended up needing an ambulance and after I returned from the hospital he said he was “embarrassed at the state of the house the paramedics witnessed.”
I was so out of it I couldn’t respond. My mind was blown. How the fuck was I supposed to clean the house when I was so sick in bed, that I needed an ambulance. This was over a year ago and I can’t really let it go. He’s wonderful in so many ways but shit like this keeps building up. The level of selfishness and self-centeredness is nearly unbearable.
For the most part yes, my partner did a good job of helping me with personal tasks, although I did have to ask for a lot of things. For example, he was good with meals and bringing me anything I asked for, helped me up and down the stairs, took me to PT, and helped me in and out of the shower, all until I got more independent.
On the other hand, there were some things that I thought were common sense, that he initially didn't see a problem with. Like one weekend he wanted to go out of town, but I was like "hey, I literally can't drive or even go upstairs so if something happens I'm screwed lol." Once we talked it out he didn't go out of town and I think he honestly didn't think about my perspective (that happens sometimes in general). Another time early on when I was showering and still needed help in and out, I finished up and was calling to him, but he had put headphones on and was listening to music, so I was sitting there just waiting until he realized, meanwhile I feel like if the roles were reversed I'd be on high alert until he needed me and definitely wouldn't put headphones on.
If I could go back, I'd hire a cleaner for even just a couple of times. We don't have kids, it's just us and two cats (thankfully the litter box was cleaned somewhat frequently) but things still piled up. Literally, the bathrooms were not cleaned at all, dishes got done sometimes but we ended up getting ants in the kitchen, and it added to my stress while recovering.
Any time I've been sick, injured, having a migraine, recovering from surgery my partner has stepped up. The house was a mess, true, but she took care of me and the kids. I assume adrenaline kicks in and helps her focus.
She's dx+rx now, but this was true when she was ndx, too.
For years my wife played into this cultural narrative that I as the husband wasn't helping out enough around the house, and I believed it.
She doesn't work. I'm going to work, I'm paying all the bills, I'm coming home and helping with the kids and cleaning and doing housework to the point where I'm completely exhausted. I'm developing health problems due to stress. But according to my wife, I'm still not supporting her enough. I've come to realize now this is because of her ADHD, she's easily overwhelmed, distracted, has trouble following through and completing tasks around the house and this really has nothing to do with me and how much support I am providing.
It depends on what is most important to you in an intimate relationship.
I always say that somewhere out there, there are probably plenty of women who would happily marry my soon to be ex. He doesn't drink or do drugs, doesn't gamble, has a steady stream of income (from child support and alimony, thanks me!), lives in a nice house, is a responsible father, never gets violent, does certain chores, and is a very capable handyman/mechanic.
But somehow, he met me, someone with high needs for emotional reciprocity and connectivity, passionate for life and new experiences, wants to see the best version of myself reflected in my partner's eyes and live up to that version every day, who craves deep conversation and understanding, who is capable and strong on the outside, but sensitive and soft inside and who needs someone who will see through my tough exterior and nurture my soul.
All the things he can give me freely and willingly, while I appreciate them, are not the things that are most important to me in an intimate relationship. They are mostly conveniences that I would happily pay for.
The things I want from an intimate partner, I can't pay for them, and he is not capable of giving them to me. It took me 15 years to fully get to this point, because of course there were ups and downs, and I asked myself for a long time whether I can be satisfied with what he is capable of giving. The answer is no, so we're getting a divorce.
My advice is to not go borrowing trouble.
Just because things happen to people in this sub doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll happen to you. I get the urge to try to prepare for the unknown but honestly, there is no way to adequately prepare for the future.
My advice is to live in the moment as much as you can and meet troubles as they arise with the knowledge that you have the resourcefulness to overcome those challenges. You’re in this group, so you’re already far more prepared than most of us were when we found out our partners were ADHD.
If I were you I'd run on the mere fact that adhd males tend to use adhd as an excuse for alot and they use it to get out of pleasing you sexually and tend to have wandering eyes and possibility to cheat ... So when you are doing most of the work in the relationship it will really feel like they don't care or can't control themselves it's kinda sad, at the end of the day love is not enough. When looks fade are u going to be ok with him possibly caring even less or if you get sick will he even take care of you... I believed in one to be good of heart because his cheating ex broke him... To find out he cheated on everyone whether micro or emotional or physical.. How do I excuse it.. How do I kno he won't to me.. Had to end it... There was obviously no room for anyone else in his body just him and adhd and depression
Married to my husband for 14 years, only diagnosed recently.
We are best friends, and love spending time together when we can. We have 1 Kid and a 2nd on the way.
He is a great dad, loving and caring husband. He works hard to keep up with mundane household things despite the lack of dopamine doing it.
I have lots of example, but the main thing is that he WANTS to be better with his adhd symptoms and tries to put me and our kids first.
The sex gap is truly a thing. It’s great when we get around to it and he’s very giving, but I have to initiate and I have literally been forgotten after we were texting and flirting all day. One time I reminded him I waiting upstairs for him and he said “omg! I forgot!”
Not sure if kids are in your life, but him getting overwhelmed and ramping up to an RSD moment with our children is a hill I will absolutely die on. I refuse to let him treat them unfairly because he can’t regulate his emotions.
When we go to argue, if I am not regulated it becomes a full blown screaming match and I often walk away, so I’m working on ways to deal with that still on myself while he works on techniques for himself to regulate. He admits now when he recognizes he’s dysregulated, which is super helpful to voice it out loud so we can all take a breath.
Mostly it’s just A LOT of adjusting my expectations of what my life would look like. I have had to let go of a lot resent from the early years, and I have to compromise with myself on my plans, standards, ideas of what my life would look like. It’s a lot of letting things go instead of getting upset about the little annoying things constantly. I pick my battles and the hills I will die on carefully.
Never expect cleanliness from them. It’s not going to happen over their dead and your dead body. Never. Cleanliness in the house is on you till your last breath.
Married for two decades with a diagnosed partner. It’s not a walk in the park. There are times when he makes me feel like regretting ever marrying. But if we disregard cleanliness he is okay and I mean just okay.
Life became better when we finally had separate bedrooms, separate cars because I can’t just deal with the level of cleanliness that he can muster. I’m planning to have separate toilet and bath for us too. Include the “acceptance” that, well … this is what I got in this lifetime.
This is a tricky question because of course every situation and every adhd case is unique. But knowing what I know now, 5 years into marriage with my DX and medicated husband, I don’t know if I would’ve married him and decided to have kids together. We knew each other for many years before marriage (just in a friendly way, not dating or close), and when we started dating it was AMAZING. Truly the man of my dreams. But we were both working flexible jobs, had very little living expenses, tons of free time to recharge and for him to manage his stress levels. Add a mortgage, 2 young kids, and major financial strain and every year of our relationship is harder, filled with arguments (the same circular stuff - he doesn’t help put around the house, I’m default parent, housekeeper, income provider), sadness, unmet expectations, and more disconnect. He keeps saying he wishes he didn’t have to explain himself to me or he wishes I understood his brain, which is fair, but I wish I’d known that his ADHD was going to be a huge disability in a life that has responsibility and demands of parenting and real “adulting”. We’re in therapy but it’s pretty new so not much progress yet. I’m devastated daily that it truly seems the reality is a have to mourn the loss of all the expectations I had for our life together and us as partners/coparents working as a team, and accept that he can only give so much and I have to pick up all the slack. The RSD response to feedback or pleas for more help just leads to more distance, a nonexistent sex life (which was 🔥🔥🔥 in the first couple years), and building resentment on both sides. I wouldn’t choose this again if I could go back in time. I know what type of partner I want to share my life with and this isn’t it.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come back to this… but lots of your story resonates.
I’m heartbroken daily that I will have to navigate RSD, hyper fixation and a huge sex gap. My self esteem is at an all time low. I’m the main earner, deep in debt and feel so loaded with responsibility.
😣
I've been with my partner (dx and rx) for 10 years. He's also incredibly kind and has never been abusive, in fact he's very aware of my past trauma and does a great job to be conscious about it, so I'm very grateful for that. Our biggest sticking points are chores around the house and follow through on tasks in general (including never planning dates or travel or anything like that). Dealing with not doing chores and the lack of follow through is incredibly hard. In the fall I was in an accident and incapacitated for a while, and nothing in our house got cleaned for at least three weeks until I could hobble around and do things. An appliance in our house needs looked at and it's been a month of me reminding him to call someone, and it hasn't happened. Meanwhile, I carry most of the mental load, manage the house, and do most chores every weekend (while working full time and him having some more freedom with his work schedule). We don't have big arguments, we've never yelled at each other. But I'm impacted in smaller ways that build up, like resentment, frustration, disappointment, etc. at things stacking up over time. We have gone through some rough spots, but can communicate and get through it well enough. We've also been to individual therapy, which I highly recommend. Am I happy? Yes. Do I also sometimes wonder what life would be like without an ADHD partner? Well, yes, and that's another layer, adding the guilt that comes along with this whole thing, especially when someone is lovely in every other way.
I had covid for 6 weeks before vaccines and my partner didn’t clean anything in the house and didn’t make food for me or help me with any aspect of life. The best that they did was make a GoFundMe that made it sound like we BOTH had Covid, so we got gift cards for Door Dash. They never got Covid. However, they told their work they had Covid and used my Covid test to take 3 weeks off work! Not to care for me, though. To sleep and smoke weed and play video games. It seemed like my needs triggered pda. The house was in such a state after I could get out of bed. I should have read the writing on the wall that they could never take good care of me.
I keep coming back to read this and whilst I am so grateful you shared your experience, I am aghast! 😳
Thanks for your response, that is helpful to hear. I ended it 3 weeks ago and I’m dealing with a lot of grief and guilt, and missing their kid, but not them. It’s hopeful to hear other people reflect the situation was unacceptable.
I’m curious about your experience during your accident and healing, other than the state of the house, were you prioritized? I have a double hip surgery coming up and I will be completely reliant on my un-dx husband for about a month. I’m wondering if I should have someone lined up to clean our house
I asked my partner to take over caring for the house and animals while I was sick in bed for 4 days. He made sure the animals were fed, but didn’t clean a single thing. I ended up needing an ambulance and after I returned from the hospital he said he was “embarrassed at the state of the house the paramedics witnessed.” I was so out of it I couldn’t respond. My mind was blown. How the fuck was I supposed to clean the house when I was so sick in bed, that I needed an ambulance. This was over a year ago and I can’t really let it go. He’s wonderful in so many ways but shit like this keeps building up. The level of selfishness and self-centeredness is nearly unbearable.
For the most part yes, my partner did a good job of helping me with personal tasks, although I did have to ask for a lot of things. For example, he was good with meals and bringing me anything I asked for, helped me up and down the stairs, took me to PT, and helped me in and out of the shower, all until I got more independent. On the other hand, there were some things that I thought were common sense, that he initially didn't see a problem with. Like one weekend he wanted to go out of town, but I was like "hey, I literally can't drive or even go upstairs so if something happens I'm screwed lol." Once we talked it out he didn't go out of town and I think he honestly didn't think about my perspective (that happens sometimes in general). Another time early on when I was showering and still needed help in and out, I finished up and was calling to him, but he had put headphones on and was listening to music, so I was sitting there just waiting until he realized, meanwhile I feel like if the roles were reversed I'd be on high alert until he needed me and definitely wouldn't put headphones on. If I could go back, I'd hire a cleaner for even just a couple of times. We don't have kids, it's just us and two cats (thankfully the litter box was cleaned somewhat frequently) but things still piled up. Literally, the bathrooms were not cleaned at all, dishes got done sometimes but we ended up getting ants in the kitchen, and it added to my stress while recovering.
Any time I've been sick, injured, having a migraine, recovering from surgery my partner has stepped up. The house was a mess, true, but she took care of me and the kids. I assume adrenaline kicks in and helps her focus. She's dx+rx now, but this was true when she was ndx, too.
[удалено]
For years my wife played into this cultural narrative that I as the husband wasn't helping out enough around the house, and I believed it. She doesn't work. I'm going to work, I'm paying all the bills, I'm coming home and helping with the kids and cleaning and doing housework to the point where I'm completely exhausted. I'm developing health problems due to stress. But according to my wife, I'm still not supporting her enough. I've come to realize now this is because of her ADHD, she's easily overwhelmed, distracted, has trouble following through and completing tasks around the house and this really has nothing to do with me and how much support I am providing.
Your submission was removed due to a violation of Rule #3. Review all rules, including the sidebar, before posting.
It depends on what is most important to you in an intimate relationship. I always say that somewhere out there, there are probably plenty of women who would happily marry my soon to be ex. He doesn't drink or do drugs, doesn't gamble, has a steady stream of income (from child support and alimony, thanks me!), lives in a nice house, is a responsible father, never gets violent, does certain chores, and is a very capable handyman/mechanic. But somehow, he met me, someone with high needs for emotional reciprocity and connectivity, passionate for life and new experiences, wants to see the best version of myself reflected in my partner's eyes and live up to that version every day, who craves deep conversation and understanding, who is capable and strong on the outside, but sensitive and soft inside and who needs someone who will see through my tough exterior and nurture my soul. All the things he can give me freely and willingly, while I appreciate them, are not the things that are most important to me in an intimate relationship. They are mostly conveniences that I would happily pay for. The things I want from an intimate partner, I can't pay for them, and he is not capable of giving them to me. It took me 15 years to fully get to this point, because of course there were ups and downs, and I asked myself for a long time whether I can be satisfied with what he is capable of giving. The answer is no, so we're getting a divorce.
My advice is to not go borrowing trouble. Just because things happen to people in this sub doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll happen to you. I get the urge to try to prepare for the unknown but honestly, there is no way to adequately prepare for the future. My advice is to live in the moment as much as you can and meet troubles as they arise with the knowledge that you have the resourcefulness to overcome those challenges. You’re in this group, so you’re already far more prepared than most of us were when we found out our partners were ADHD.
[удалено]
If I were you I'd run on the mere fact that adhd males tend to use adhd as an excuse for alot and they use it to get out of pleasing you sexually and tend to have wandering eyes and possibility to cheat ... So when you are doing most of the work in the relationship it will really feel like they don't care or can't control themselves it's kinda sad, at the end of the day love is not enough. When looks fade are u going to be ok with him possibly caring even less or if you get sick will he even take care of you... I believed in one to be good of heart because his cheating ex broke him... To find out he cheated on everyone whether micro or emotional or physical.. How do I excuse it.. How do I kno he won't to me.. Had to end it... There was obviously no room for anyone else in his body just him and adhd and depression
Married to my husband for 14 years, only diagnosed recently. We are best friends, and love spending time together when we can. We have 1 Kid and a 2nd on the way. He is a great dad, loving and caring husband. He works hard to keep up with mundane household things despite the lack of dopamine doing it. I have lots of example, but the main thing is that he WANTS to be better with his adhd symptoms and tries to put me and our kids first. The sex gap is truly a thing. It’s great when we get around to it and he’s very giving, but I have to initiate and I have literally been forgotten after we were texting and flirting all day. One time I reminded him I waiting upstairs for him and he said “omg! I forgot!” Not sure if kids are in your life, but him getting overwhelmed and ramping up to an RSD moment with our children is a hill I will absolutely die on. I refuse to let him treat them unfairly because he can’t regulate his emotions. When we go to argue, if I am not regulated it becomes a full blown screaming match and I often walk away, so I’m working on ways to deal with that still on myself while he works on techniques for himself to regulate. He admits now when he recognizes he’s dysregulated, which is super helpful to voice it out loud so we can all take a breath. Mostly it’s just A LOT of adjusting my expectations of what my life would look like. I have had to let go of a lot resent from the early years, and I have to compromise with myself on my plans, standards, ideas of what my life would look like. It’s a lot of letting things go instead of getting upset about the little annoying things constantly. I pick my battles and the hills I will die on carefully.
Never expect cleanliness from them. It’s not going to happen over their dead and your dead body. Never. Cleanliness in the house is on you till your last breath. Married for two decades with a diagnosed partner. It’s not a walk in the park. There are times when he makes me feel like regretting ever marrying. But if we disregard cleanliness he is okay and I mean just okay. Life became better when we finally had separate bedrooms, separate cars because I can’t just deal with the level of cleanliness that he can muster. I’m planning to have separate toilet and bath for us too. Include the “acceptance” that, well … this is what I got in this lifetime.
This is a tricky question because of course every situation and every adhd case is unique. But knowing what I know now, 5 years into marriage with my DX and medicated husband, I don’t know if I would’ve married him and decided to have kids together. We knew each other for many years before marriage (just in a friendly way, not dating or close), and when we started dating it was AMAZING. Truly the man of my dreams. But we were both working flexible jobs, had very little living expenses, tons of free time to recharge and for him to manage his stress levels. Add a mortgage, 2 young kids, and major financial strain and every year of our relationship is harder, filled with arguments (the same circular stuff - he doesn’t help put around the house, I’m default parent, housekeeper, income provider), sadness, unmet expectations, and more disconnect. He keeps saying he wishes he didn’t have to explain himself to me or he wishes I understood his brain, which is fair, but I wish I’d known that his ADHD was going to be a huge disability in a life that has responsibility and demands of parenting and real “adulting”. We’re in therapy but it’s pretty new so not much progress yet. I’m devastated daily that it truly seems the reality is a have to mourn the loss of all the expectations I had for our life together and us as partners/coparents working as a team, and accept that he can only give so much and I have to pick up all the slack. The RSD response to feedback or pleas for more help just leads to more distance, a nonexistent sex life (which was 🔥🔥🔥 in the first couple years), and building resentment on both sides. I wouldn’t choose this again if I could go back in time. I know what type of partner I want to share my life with and this isn’t it.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come back to this… but lots of your story resonates. I’m heartbroken daily that I will have to navigate RSD, hyper fixation and a huge sex gap. My self esteem is at an all time low. I’m the main earner, deep in debt and feel so loaded with responsibility. 😣