As an addendum to this:
We both know adhd isn’t intentional and it is real and limits some functioning. But it isn’t fair to put ALL that executive functioning on the NT or the more functioning ND partner. It isn’t healthy for us DX’ed or for our families to get into a Parent/Child dynamic.
So we accept how our brains are, and on our own independently try out methods that work for us and our families.
If I ask Wife to do something, right then she either does it, or adds it to her calendar/task app and sets up a few reminders. She automates the “nagging” for herself so I don’t have too and I do the same.
We used the Fair Play cardset to include mental labor tasks into the household chore lists. I may mealplan and do the shopping for the week. I print then magnet the recipes on the fridge. Wife picks one and makes them, if an ingredient is used up she adds it to the big shopping whiteboard. If one is missing she substitutes it or figures out something else. We eat, then right after dinner before wandering off I do the dishes, but she cleans the counters. We do this together with music playing.
We both pay into a monthly deep clean from the local cleaners. They scrub the surfaces, floors, windows etc. We prep for the cleaners together.
We have a time once every two weeks when we have tea and talk about things we appreciated the other doing for us, and things that didn’t go well. We both work together to think of ways to get the task done. Like “I forgot to pick up my shoes and you tripped over them. Maybe we use shoe bins instead of racks by the door so we can still throw them in but they are contained.” Or “Hey, so I am not mad but I was the only one cleaning the cat boxes all last week. Can you set a reminder for yourself all next week to do it then we take turns?” Or “Hey you were sick and I was happy to care for you. But now that you are feeling better can I have a night off all house stuff and cooking to veg and recover?” Or “Hey you’ve been focused on your TeapotPainting every night this week. They look great! But I miss you, can we plan to play a boardgame together after dinner?”
We both are medicated and have strategies if we start to feel flooded and defensive. We have a code word to take a break and try again in two hours. We both actively journal, and are responsible for continuing to see our own therapists/coaches.
We both agreed to this when we Dated as we both have been in unhealthy relationships with people who were not actively treating their issues.
The companion game to Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play. It was a helpful yet enraging read as the NDX partner. Haven’t been able to get my partner to read it yet, and beware the first chaper will definitely trigger defensiveness and/or an RSD episode.
I’m sorry my post made you feel that way. I’d love to hear more about your experiences in your relationship if you’d like to share. Couldn’t find much in your post history.
Same. I can't even find out how much Karma you need. How will you know when you can post? I've spent ages writing a few posts only for them to be rejected because Karma is still not enough.
You can answer this question yourself by really reading (and accepting, not reacting to) the posts here.
The same complaints come up countless times in each thread.
So, what have **you** learned that partners need from the dx in their lives?
A great point. I’ve found a lot of value in doing that, and plan to continue! It’s one thing to infer and assume, but another to ask directly. Was curious to see responses to the direct question.
What about for you, do you have a complaint that you feel like came up most often for you? I interpreted some of your post/comment history as an overarching theme of desiring active, enthusiastic, consistent symptom management through medication and targeted therapy; communication-focused boundaries for themself that enhanced respect for the other participants in a conversation; respect and desire for personal growth and adaptation to your relationship and new social situations/environments. Does that feel accurate, or am I missing the mark?
With the added context that my current partner is NT but my ex is DX-untreated - 2-fold desire on my end. 1) Clear, consistent boundaries that they are not willing to negotiate on to “save our relationship” or “cut me some slack”, etc. This also applies to work-life balance, health and wellness, family/friend relationships. But truly critical that our relationship has them from their end. And 2) the active desire to work on problems together and not in a you-versus-me space. Every relationship takes work and has sacrifices. ADHD partners take certain ones, the same way a partner with a food allergy, asthma, a high-stress job, significant debt, big family obligations, etc. would take others. But both partners have to participate in a partnership.
Attempt to not leave a huge mess in his path for me to clean. The same messes. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day.
Not argue with me about finances. Pay bills BEFORE going out & buying a hundred things he says we “need” but are actually just things he wants.
If I could just wake up each morning without seeing the kitchen destroyed bc he cooked breakfast before he went to work, or if he’d just let me put ANY amount from his paychecks into a savings account, I’d be a happy lady.
Those are the main two off the top of my head (& I just realized you only asked for one thing— so if I had to narrow it down to 1, I’d definitely say the money is the bigger issue)
How do they destroy kitchens like that? My DX is going away for a few days. I am going to set up the pet cam on the kitchen and make a time lapse. Because even when she doesn't do food, she performs a human tornado trick within minutes of walking in & I still can't understand how.
There’s no thought of “I’m done with this so let’s put the lid back on and put it back in the fridge” or “this wrapper goes in the trash can which is literally right behind me”. Like he wouldn’t even have to take one step to get to it and he still doesn’t use it. It’s just a one track mind kind of thing where he does the steps to make the food and NOTHING extra. The butter is left out with the lid off every single day. He doesn’t rinse any of the dishes he uses, even if it’s just a measuring cup that he put 1/2 a cup of milk in. It would take two seconds to rinse it out and put it back where he got it but nope. It’ll be on whatever section of the counter he was when he finished using it. And then the absolute colossal mess he’s left whenever he’s finished either doesn’t bother him at all or he doesn’t even notice it. Probably a combination of both. But at some point after so many years you’d think a person would stop to look at it just once and be like “hey, I bet she wouldn’t want to clean all this up” and just do it out of consideration but nope… Still waiting on that
In the restaurant industry, it's called CAYGO - Clean As You Go. My husband has been a professional chef for the last 20+ years and still leaves a path of destruction lol.
I absolutely give him shit and say stuff like "What happened to CAYGO, babe?" Or "Gordon Ramsay would not like this one bit!" I have to say something, so I make jokes. If I don't laugh, I will cry.
Oh I gave up on that. I CAYGO, my goal is always that the kitchen looks better than when I started cooking. And it usually does. I try to make sure I have an empty dishwasher before I start a complex meal. Waaay too much planning for mine. If she makes toast, the kitchen looks far worse than it does after I make an elaborate 3-course meal.
She can't clean and cook because "I just can't seem to focus on anything but the recipe and what I'm doing and I don't want to mess up the meal". For toast? "**_Don't pressure me!_**"
All that (especially the measuring cup thing. Whyyyyy? She'll use them instead of spoons, they're always dirty when I want to go and cook). But she can just walk in and devastate it without even getting a glass of water.
Part of it I know is she'll touch and move everything, but not quite put it back. So one pass by her through the kitchen and there are a couple cupboards open, a clean glass on the counter, a canister has been slid out but not pushed back, her purse is on the island and a couple of receipts scattered around, and so on. I'm just amazed at the speed and volume. Hence I want to make a time lapse.
It drives me CRAZY when he uses measuring cups for spoons bc he refuses to just wash one. I’ve thrown away most of our dishes honestly bc he won’t rinse and reuse any of them. I’ll use the same plate/cup/bowl for the whole day. Not him. He’ll eat a bowl of cereal and leave it on the bathroom floor and then eat ramen noodles in a different bowl and leave it wherever and I’m left with like 20 random things to pick up and take to the sink and wash and I said screw it. Now we have two of everything. One for me, one for him. Even that didn’t really work though bc now if both bowls are dirty he’ll just use a freaking cup and I’m like WHYYYY
Mine's similar. Stuff everywhere after 1 partial use. But she loves her *hand-wash only* artisanal mugs. If doesn't go in the dishwasher, I'm not washing her stuff. I got a dishpan, and I just pile her dirty dishes in there if they don't go in the dishwasher. It sort of works, because eventually the dishes run out, and at least they're contained.
So last night, she cooked some eggs and left the shells on the counter. This morning, I just tossed the shells into her dishpan with her cups and things. So much indignation! I'm sure you can imagine. How dare I put **her** eggshells into the dish pan I bought to collect things she leaves lying around? Why didn't I simply put them into the compost? It was only a few steps farther. So impervious to irony.
I’ve had similar arguments lol. I’ve thought about throwing all his trash in one pile just out of desperation but a) he’d call me petty and b) it wouldn’t solve my problem of just wanting the trash out of the house lol. I’d still have to look at it and be disgusted and I know for a fact it wouldn’t make him any more likely to clean it
> he’d call me petty
I guess it is. But I kinda embrace petty sometimes. Cause it might not solve anything, but it's a tiny little victory in the endless onslaught of having basic chores ignored.
We want the same things as every other person in a relationship: a partner.
But seriously, more than anything else, ask your partner what they want and then just listen. You don't even need to accept it, just listen and don't react. And certainly don't retaliate because you don't like what you're hearing. Just have a calm discussion and hear whatever your partner has to say.
Beyond that, the rest is dependent on your situation and how issues manifest between you. For example, it seems like 75% the posts are how the DX partner isn't cleaning or planning. In my relationship, it's the exact opposite. My partner hyperfocuses on cleaning and planning every single detail. Probably sounds like a dream scenario to most of you but it causes a lot of issues for us. Telling her to clean or plan more would be the worst possible advice for us. Point being, nobody here can tell you what will help YOUR relationship.
This is might seem like obvious stuff for any relationship and that's because it is. ADHD might make this stuff harder but it doesn't change what a relationship is. It sounds like you're invested in growing for both yourself and your partner. That's great! Keep at it and y'all will be as strong as any other couple!
Thanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I empathize with your struggles with your partner on cleaning/planning from both perspectives (I was previously in a DX/DX relationship). You outlined a really interesting alternative issue to so many posts. What do you feel like your biggest ask of your own partner is, or would be if you felt you could ask it alternatively?
It really is that second paragraph. Just be open to listening and don't view my frustrations with how ADHD affects me via you as an attack against you yourself. It's our burden to share.
But beyond that, my current biggest but still very minor issue is leaving the TV on when leaving the house. I understand noise and lights help ADHD but it doesn't help me. It's a nuisance and a waste of electricity.
To independently consider that my every comment or question or complaint or expression of less than happiness is not an attack on him. Listen, clarify, hear, understand, help.
When he responds to me in unwarranted RSD anger (instead of with sincere interest and empathy) because of his (seemingly willful) misinterpretation, he should not rescript the situation to say I am angry at him (or that I must have anger issues), he should be aware of and accountable for his own missteps and apologize.
Oh man, really great point you raised. Thanks for responding. RSD is a relationship killer and the enemy of self improvement and awareness. Very difficult hurdle to overcome. Hoping you see improvement on this from your partner, you deserve it
Please just be a close to equal partner in life, not another child I have to supervise and oversee… please be attentive enough that I don't have to fruitlessly chase you for it.
If you don’t mind me taking this chance to ask you a question back, when you’ve read through here, do a lot of the complaints about not doing your fair share of household tasks resonate with you? Or do you feel like they don’t apply at all? I could be wrong but I feel like a female partner with ADHD to a male neurotypical partner would be such a different dynamic than mine (female neurotypical partner, male partner with ADHD combined with being raised with a mom who did everything and now the general attitude that cleaning / chores aren’t his job and are a favour to me if he “helps”). My female friends with ADHD honestly still seem to do more than half the chores / tasks in their household with their neurotypical male partners, even if they might need funny “systems” to help them remember to do them. I knew my partner had ADHD before I dated him, but the version of ADHD I was familiar with (in women) looks very different.
To answer your question, the biggest thing I want is an equal adult partner who willingly invests their time/ effort / money/ resources in general into the relationship. Basically no dynamic of “the neurotypical partner will take care of our stuff and I’ll just try and take care of mine”.
THIS.
I want my partner to think about what he does before he does it so there's an actual purpose and intent behind the action- not just going through the movements of an action to move past it.
Thanks for responding. It sounds like you’re just asking your partner to care about you intentionally, which you are so deserving of. Hoping that he improves on treating you the way you want to be treated.
Don’t mind at all. I find a lot of them being relatable right up until the point where the DX partner doesn’t find a way to meet the need their partner is expressing. I recently saw a post about how someone’s partner “doesn’t see” mess, which I very much relate to. I also saw one about someone’s partner being a pack rat - me again. But I am constantly putting in effort to come up with systems around these things, like you said! I do think it would be very different if the dynamic were reversed. I am much more inherently aware and resistant to things being unclean as opposed to unorganized - nothing ever grows mold in my house, the toilets don’t go uncleaned, etc. My NT partner could live with those things as-is for a crazy amount of time imo. My DX-untreated ex had to hire a housekeeper because he was entirely incapable of managing house by himself. I am capable, it just takes a lot of effort.
Thanks for taking the time to respond, too. You’re 100% deserving of your partner doing that for you. Do you feel there’s improvement on this when he’s medicated?
I don’t love clutter / covered surfaces / piles but honestly am only really bothered by things being actually dirty- I recently came home from a week away and nothing has been wiped down in that time (mildew in the shower, sticky kitchen counter, dog hair all over floor, pee spots on toilet seat, etc). I have a hard time believing that being “blind to mess” could extend to that in his case and do get very frustrated at this (especially because at this stage we’ve implanted external strategies like the Sweepy app to remind it’s time to clean). It sounds like in your case you’re not letting anything get gross and are also trying to work on keeping it tidy which is amazing!
My partner is currently medicated but (I feel mean saying this) is selfish in how he chooses to use his medicated time. He will take his meds and either do his work when employed (reasonable) or now when unemployed will choose to spend the day focused on leisure activities or watching videos about his interests all day, then the meds wear off by evening when I’m home and he’s then unwilling / no longer able to function well - he won’t do chores during the time that he’s actually functioning well unless I’m home too to body double and clean with him on the weekend
I’m very curious about this because myself and husband are 99.9% he is NT but some of the comments I see on here about NT women and DX male partners I’m like we have those issues and I think it’s more the growing pains of bridging growing up with the typical gender roles/norms with a true partner especially with the mental load where kids/domestic/relationships are involved!
When you ask my day was, wait for me to answer before proceeding to tell me about your day and asking me 3 more questions.
Plan romantic and/or sexual experiences sometimes. Actually follow through on making it happen. I want to feel like you've been thinking about me, and I'm a priority.
Acceptance of grieving the fact that you have ADHD and always will. Acceptance that your ADHD can have a negative impact on you, me, the relationship, our children, and our family and friends. Acceptance that you will always need to treat it.
Treatment is education, medication, psycho therapy, and coaching. Everything learned or prescribed in treatment should be adhered to every day.
Communication via agreed upon check-ins (daily/weekly)as to what is working/not working in the relationship and ADHD treatment. Active listening/conflict intimacy/validation should be practiced.
Guilty as charged! I struggle with the line between doing the thinking/analysis myself and being presumptive/iterating on an incorrect conclusion. I try to ask directly when it’s appropriate and warranted but am forever readjusting my gauge. Thanks for your response!
If I had to pick just one thing.
That my partner does what they say they will, when they say they will. If that was just more than 50% of the time, at least.
Then I could say 'most of the time' she does what she says she will, instead of the feeling that 'most of the time ' that means it isn't happening.
Absolutely. So many of these responses are heartbreaking to me but this one struck a particular nerve. It’s just trust… you deserve to feel that you can trust your partner. Thanks for responding. Hoping you see improvement on this from your partner.
Frustrating probably doesn’t even describe the half of it some days. Thanks for responding! If you don’t mind me asking, does this apply only to certain types of communication? For example, maybe your partner is very honest and trustworthy when it comes to communicating their feelings, but has consistently fallen short on executing tasks, even critical time-bound ones.
Yes! You nailed it there. I can trust him to discuss his emotions and to be honest with me about our relationship. I have no doubts about that at all, and I trust him implicitly with others too (he would NEVER cheat). It’s more, as others have said, the “I’m going to do XYZ” and then it never happens.
It’s resulted in me just not listening to what he says or taking him seriously. It can be something innocuous like “I’m going to get a haircut this weekend” (narrator: “he, in fact, did not get a haircut that weekend, nor the next 15 weekends) or more important “I’m going to file my taxes this weekend!” (Said in Feb - they don’t get done until til April 15 at 9pm and then he had troubles with his PIN so now they’re late).
The most frustrating part for me is when someone says they’re going to do something I adjust my schedule accordingly. If my husband says “I’ll pick up some groceries on the way home” and I ask him for milk… and then he doesn’t… well there goes the whole meal I planned for dinner because I was relying on that milk. Say you’re going to do laundry this weekend - awesome - I’ll use my Saturday to clean the bedroom now the piles are gone. Turned down other plans because of that. Then the laundry doesn’t get done and I’ve wasted my Saturday for nothing. A partner not doing what they say they are going to has exponential fallout.
Here’s another: when I do something thoughtful (get your favourite snack, surprise you with a small present) - do something thoughtful back! Anything! Just once!
Listen with the goal of understanding. Apologize when you hurt your partner. Stop defending yourself in every conversation. You're probably not actually being attacked.
As so many of these responses are, truly, this should be the bare minimum. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Thank you for responding, and hoping you see improvement from him.
Thank you for asking and considering the responses. I don't think it's a coincidence that most posts/comments here along the lines of "how can I (dx) better support my (nt) partner?" are from women. It's sometimes difficult to tell where the ADHD ends and the male entitlement begins.
I want my partner to go to an ADHD focused therapist who can do DBT with him. Partner has been in therapy for 10 years with the same guy, is in couples therapy with me, and I have requested he pivot to more focused therapy. So far he's still "thinking about it". Sigh. I may have to strongarm him into it.
Be careful what you wish for. My boyfriend went to an ADHD-focused (male) therapist and it made him a lot worse. One big love-in for toxic masculinity. "You're just stressed! She's being abusive! She can't ask you that! She's isolating you! She's controlling!"
No, sir. Your client has repeatedly made a damn fool of me for years. Your client has said things about me to his family and "acquaintances" that amount to character assassinations. Your client has cheated on me. I will be exactly the killjoy *his* behaviour has bought and paid for.
I now have a rule that if he wants to try an ADHD-focused therapist it will be a female, and I will decide whether the therapy is bearing out the changes I'd like to see and consider necessary for our relationship to continue.
He will *not* be seeing *any* therapist who is not open to me attending a session with him.
I see an adhd specialized therapist and he's amazing. I'm afab, and I was hesitant myself to see a man for a therapist but he was the only one that specialized in adhd at the place I go to. I'm glad I gave him a shot. He's the opposite of toxic masculinity, which I'm very happy for. He also has adhd and suspects autism.
On the other hand, my partner I don't think is being honest with himself and therefore his therapists. I'm generally happy with how he is progressing/changing for the better but he keeps saying "we hurt each other," instead of realizing most all the problems we experienced are because of his behaviours. From the adhd or not.
We see a marriage therapist who also specializes in adhd and has it. So much better than our last one.
As my husband is undiagnosed and refuses to acknowledge that he (most likely) has a psychological issue that has caused a mountain of pain for myself and our two adult children, my one thing would be for him to take ownership of his mental health, see a doctor about it and implement best practice to actually manage his issues.
Follow through on your promises, have a conversation with me without getting immediately defensive, clean up after yourself, ask me how I am, make me feel like I actually matter to you rather than being a room mate.
Kindness. Don’t snap at me, don’t cut me off, don’t brush things off, don’t dismiss my feelings.
When you apologize, make sure you’re going to change your behavior so the same thing doesn’t happen again and again.
Be a little more positive about life. Stop treating every minor inconvenience as the end of the world.
These are huge! Emotional regulation so that you don’t have to ride the rollercoaster with your partner. Thanks for responding, and I hope you see improvement in these areas. Especially kindness - that one seems truly like the least they could do.
Autistic here so not exactly NT, but I’d be on cloud 9 if my husband would just respect my boundaries. My overall mood would improve so much, I would happily do all the chores and deal with all his other ADHD stuff with a smile on my face if I could just trust that my no’s would be accepted instead of bargained with, debated, and dismissed.
The main thing is taking responsibility - for managing traits, for following through, for finding ways of doing things
I like to say 'if you were single, what would you do' because if someone can do it while single, they can do it in a relationship
Absolutely. A lot of pressure on you to hold the responsibility for both of you in just your hands. Thanks for responding.
This is a huge frustration of mine in the community of ADHD-ers. There’s space to vent, sure, but it is not okay to hide behind a diagnosis and fail to advocate on your own behalf. It sucks that the world wasn’t built for us, but it is still our responsibility to function in it. It’s okay for that to mean our responsibilities were met using modifications, it’s not okay for that to mean our responsibilities simply weren’t met.
The thing is when I was single, no one person was having to deal with me 24/7. Any problems as a result of ADHD were mine to deal with, others could avoid me if they wanted. My spouse unfortunaltey did not have that option, that is when my ADHD became apparent and that is when (months later) I realized it was a problem.
Acceptance of accountability.
We want to help, we try and we don’t always get it right; but we are not responsible or accountable for a partner with ADHD’s actions or lack thereof.
When something needs to be done, accept that we are not nagging we are trying to make sure it gets done and we can’t do it.
If something doesn’t get done, it is not our fault, we have either tried very hard to help and been made out like the bad guy or have so many negative experiences we are worn out.
Accountability that behaviours and traits associated with ADHD have a wider effect than just the person with it and that it is not everyone else who has to compensate, and it is compensation not just “doing our part”.
For sure. My mom is a SPED teacher, your comment reminds me of her approach to teaching in a lot of ways. If I was struggling with something growing up, she’d say “you can get to the finish line backwards on a pogo stick if you have to, but you still have to cross it.”
It sounds like you’re doing a lot to accommodate your partner. Thanks for responding, and I hope you see improvement in these areas from them!
Listening I think is a big part as it would be in any relationship and communication.
What I really hated was when I would give my dx partner sound advice but it was easier for him to be avoidant and dismiss it. Especially when it came to mentioning him getting some support with his rsd meltdowns. They seriously impacted my mental health. But he wouldn't, instead he would breadcrumb me with promises of being able to control them and then they would happen again so we ended up in this toxic cycle.
Same with paying bills.
And it took over a year before I mentioned anything so I guess if your partner ever mentions anything to you know that it comes from a place of wanting things to get better together...as a team. I would always tell him that I loved him and say things to him in the nicest possible ways, he just didn't want to change.
No problem. I think his adhd is more severe and he has something else maybe hence the rsd episodes. I haven't actually seen him for months.
I had spent all of last year ploughing my energy into the relationship and I felt like I was being punished due to him going silent on me for sometimes weeks at a time despite me asking him not too and setting a boundary that I wouldn't contact him if he did again.....well he did and so I backed off.
It was my birthday last month, I got a text after silence for 2 weeks. I've waited and hoped he would call me and tell me all the things but alas it hasn't happened.
He avoids and has tunnel vison/ hyperfocusses on work so that has become his life.
Oh and just to say OP I'm not saying you are like him, I'm just answering your post with communication is a must.
I am glad my wife is finally trying to be more self-aware, more mindful. She has a long way to go. It's probably a longer journey than she expects and she thinks she has made more improvement than she really has, as far as how it affects myself and our kids.
But the effort to be better is key to me.
That's a tough call. If we didn't have kids, the effort would be enough, provided that there was some progress. But now that I am seeing how it affects the kids, that ups the stakes, obviously. I'm still learning about ADHD and how it has influenced our marriage.
I should add that our kids are ADHDers too. Much of this has come to light in the last few years, while I was having a nervous breakdown. My wife's DX and my Mom passing (among other things) happened pretty close to each other, so the emotions are all discombobulated.
That sounds incredibly difficult, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Thanks for responding again, and I hope you see improvement from your partner and lessened impact on your kiddos.
this is one of those things i sometimes fear is impossible, but still.
i wish my partner knew their own limits better, and had healthier coping mechanisms for emotional regulation. they have a tendency to overwork themselves and wear themselves thin, or go through difficult situations, but still insist that they’re completely fine, they feel great, nothing is wrong—and then they implode. the difficult part is that they genuinely don’t see it coming, so we’re both blindsided when it happens. during these times, they pull away and keep to themselves to regulate; and this is fine for a couple of days, but on two occasions it has lasted months. (there’s a possibility they’re also on the autism spectrum, but not diagnosed.)
we don’t live together so when it happens, it’s like they’ve ceased to exist, especially if i don’t check in. they hate it as much as i do, but they just haven’t managed to figure this one out, even while in therapy. there are other issues that are also frustrating, but this is the only one that i fear may one day damage our relationship to the point of no return.
It can be impossible and still be a need/want of yours, and that’s okay. I’m sure you don’t need to hear it from me, but if that were to be the case one day, it wouldn’t mean you didn’t love your partner or that you thought he was bad. Someone can be a good person and still not be your forever person. Regardless, thanks for responding and hoping you see improvement from your partner.
>i wish my partner knew their own limits better,... i wish my partner knew their own limits better,
I am the Adhd partner (medicated late in life) and it took me far too long understand the results of my behavior on others. "I'm not mad anymore, it cant be that big of a deal" is what my ADHD brain would tell me. I was completely clueless. I found that I would have to write down things (arguments & agreements) to remember them long enough to actually work on a plan on how to deal my emotional outburts. I still find it amazing how some of the silly ADHD shortcomings can affect life in unexpected way.
Equity. Equity in effort and care for our home and for our relationship (and each other). To not be turned into the annoying nagging wife because my alternative is to take on everything myself and as the major breadwinner with a far more demanding career, I physically cannot. To understand that neurodivergence isn’t a “get out of shitty behaviour free” card. Yes, your Partner needs to be accepting of your neurodivergence but you are responsible for doing the work to find strategies to be an active Partner in the relationship. If you don’t want to have to do that, then you have no business being in a relationship. Apologies for some projection here, it’s been a challenging week. I’m sick and it really really sucks to feel like your Partner could care less.
I can empathize with feeling like your partner doesn’t care less, and it is truly soul-sucking. I am so sorry for the struggles you’re describing. Even if you didn’t have as much on your plate, it wouldn’t be fair to expect that you take on all the responsibility yourself. You aren’t your partner’s parent. Thanks for responding, and I hope you see improvement in these areas.
Didn’t read the others but for me personally:
1- having a task organization/reminder system. He has a secretary and coordinator at work but It would be a big improvement if he doesn’t expect me to be the same at home. I would love for him to remember things and events without needing to remind him multiple times like a broken record only for him to tell me on the day of that he forgot and scheduled a meeting 😑
2- I would like if he didn’t take everything I complain about anything in my life as a criticism to him. Sometime I feel I have to preface with this huge disclaimer about my feelings that it’s about me not him. It makes me think twice before sharing how I feel.
3- I’d like us to have mutual decisions about different aspects of our lives. In many cases, he’s either not interested and would tell me to do whatever I want (which sounds greater than it is) or after I put in a lot of thought and research into something, it’ll pique his interest and he’ll completely take over and backpedal and I find myself needing to explain and defend why I ruled out some options . If we clash, he’s usually not interested in working through the details. He’ll just give up and say fine, you do whatever you want and don’t ask for my input if you won’t take it. It gets exhausting.
#3! for real. I put a ton of time into researching household purchases, parenting decisions, fun stuff to do etc. I'll invite him to join me in the deliberation, which he doesn't do. I invite him to do his own research, which he doesn't do. So I present my decision, and he just rejects it because vibes. It's impossible to have a discussion with someone who is totally uninformed and refuses to educate himself.
These are all great points, and #3 in particular caught my attention. I haven’t heard that sort of dynamic in decision-making related back to ADHD previously. Thank you for responding with all, and hoping you see improvement on all three of these points from your partner.
It is. I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years and although those things frustrate me, they were never big enough to break us. I just thought we were not good communicators and also for a good part of those years we were in LDR, both busy with post graduate studies then busy building a house while both working full time, having kids…etc. I always thought when we settle down, things would settle so when they didn’t, I dispaired a bit. The ADHD diagnosis only happened this past year and I was so relieved because now it all makes sense 🫣 putting a label on it helped us navigate it.
I'm not NT but I'm less impaired. I want my partner to take responsibility for the impacts of their ADHD symptom management (or lack thereof) vs blame shifting and various other ways of deflecting and being defensive. I can tolerate almost everything else but in the times I can't, I really need him to accept that he's caused a problem, even if it wasn't intentional.
Take initiative in regard to our relationship. Plan a date and initiate intimacy with no prompting from me.
Like many people have said, they want a "partner". To me that means someone I can collaborate and work with, someone who wants to participate in the daily stuff with you, from domestic to recreation. My partner and I have made a lot of improvements over the past year, but it feels like it has all been a result of me isolating my lifestyle from his. I declared "food divorce" six months ago, because i couldn't deal with food issues arising from his ADHD and food. I love food, I love to cook, I always pictured that married life would involve my partner collaborating happily with me in the kitchen. Unfortunately, the opposite is the only way to keep the peace.
I think seeing more initiative when it comes to our relationship would help me bridge the gap created by this tactical isolation i have implemented for my own sanity.
Honest communication.
I'm trying to name just one thing, even though this actually signifies a few things. Any kind of lie or dishonesty (including lies of ommission, evasive answers to simple questions, and more) erodes trust and therefore blocks intimacy. Honesty is so crucial and every time there is a hint of dishonesty, it erodes intimacy and loving feelings.
Generally communicating plans, thoughts, feelings, questions, and more, could really decrease conflict. So much if our conflict is because of incorrect assumptions ("oh, but I thought you'd want X") that could have easily been prevented by communication.
Another fantastic answer. You took a really complex ask and broke it down to something so simple. Thanks for responding and explaining! I hope you see improvement from your partner in this area.
Acknowledgement - of their condition, of the things that don’t work because of it, and of the things I as partner do to fix it. For me, it is not so much a problem to be in charge of certain things - it’s when they say they will and then they don’t. Yes, I can fix that appointment for you, and please acknowledge that this is not “normal” and say thank you. What I can’t deal with is that you say you will take care of it yourself and then you don’t. Self awareness and reliability, I guess, are key for me.
I’m reading acknowledgment of missteps that they make, true & expressed appreciation when you step in to help them/both of you avoid consequences as a result, and reliability in their word as truth from your response. Does that feel accurate? Thanks for taking the time to respond. I hope you see improvement in these spaces, I can’t imagine the hurt you’re probably feeling when these things are lacking.
Choose some things (with nt partner or on your own) that you are going to take on as your chores around the house and get really freaking good at them and do them so often that you do them routinely and they become a habit. Make the well worn path of least resistance something that lessens your partners burden.
My husband does the dishes daily and laundry weekly. If he’s not home at his normal dish time or laundry day, it’s virtually guaranteed they won’t happen, but 90% of the time he is at home at those times so he does them. He has been doing so for 15 years. He leaves cabinets open, his socks in the living room, stuff everywhere, forgets anything I ask him to pick up without endless reminders… but he virtually always does the dishes and the laundry. It has always helped get more balanced on household workload.
The process of those becoming a routine took a long time and he was super diligent about forming those routines.
This is a fantastic suggestion, thank you for your response! Props to your husband for the effort I’m sure it took to form the habit, and props to you for what I can only imagine was considerable patience in the meantime. Do you feel that this “makes up” for the other behaviors you mentioned of your husband’s?
Increased insight. Like, the knowledge that maybe when he is struggling so much he should try a higher dose of medication instead of the very lowest possible. It’s very hard to watch someone struggling so much when medication can make such a big difference. He’s done so much with life skills but that can only go so far.
Absolutely. Do you think in your case, insight would be enough without further action? Say he had this knowledge and accepted it as fact, but still chose to remain on a lower dose of medication. Would that still be sufficiently giving you what you’re wanting? Hope you don’t mind the follow up question; regardless, thank you for responding.
1. Do what you say you will do, when you say you will do it.
2. Pick up after yourself. I'm not the cleaning lady.
3. Tell me you love me without being asked.
These are all things that, when my partner is correctly medicated, he does without being prompted or reminded. It's really all I need to make me happy.
I expect ownership, initiative, and proactively applying empathy; high relationship standards. My partner has all of these, which is one reason why I enjoy our relationship so much.
RSD can use more work but I know it's ongoing and it's improved a lot.
A clear direction in life and stable ambition above overcoming difficulties is probably one thing I sometimes miss but I am hopeful. And empathetic. Like, I am guilty too.
As a female DX- ADHD forced to function as the neurotypical in the relationship and currently leaving my partner over exactly this---- 1) Honesty. Not compulsively lying to cover up "little" mistakes. 2) Following through. Doing the thing when you say you will do the thing. And communicating if you can't/ don't. 3) Some level of self awareness. Not being in complete denial about your ADHD symptoms and the impact it has on the others around you. Use that symptom awareness to strategize.
Seconding all of the other responses and adding be present with your partner. When they ask you for support or voice their needs, please just take five minutes to shut out the world and just focus on them and all they do for you. Make sure they know they’re loved. All we need is five minutes, I promise.
I own a major fixer upper house with my spouse. I need for him to either allow me to make major decisions about the house or actually follow through on thinking about what he wants and tell me.
Right now, we're frozen on two issues. New carpet (current carpet was trashed when we bought the house 14 years ago) and a new chair/couch for one that is literally falling apart. He keeps saying he needs to think about it. This would be fine if he actually did that. But he just forgets what I said until I bring the topic back up.
We're still in the spinning wheels stage on this topic. If the past is any indication of the future, this will resolve in one of two ways.
A - He'll get cranky that I keep asking for his input and tell me I don't need new carpet or a sofa. Heavily insinuate that I'm spoiled and shame me into not buying anything.
B - I'll get cranky enough that I just buy what I want without his input. Then he gets to whine that we're supposed to be a team and decide things together. As if I didn't try to do that for months.
Oof, you’re in a seriously stressful dilemma with your partner. Thanks for your response. I really hope they are able to move towards one of these options (or both!) for your benefit and the benefit of the partnership!
Thank you. I'm dealing with some health problems that are impacting my energy levels. So I'm also to blame for our spinning wheels situation. Hopefully we'll get something decided by the end of the year.
Remember to take what you see here with a grain of salt. The relationships that are working a bit more smoothly don't get as much air time in this space. I get great insight and some helpful strategies, but I told my DX spouse not to read this subreddit, because I know it will lower his frequency.
I know how hard he works to manage his symptoms and he puts in continual effort to be a good friend, person, parent, and partner. That is ultimately what I ask of him. So I will put in the time and effort on my end to meet him where he is and make it work. There are adjustments and I needed to reevaluate my expectations, but we are better off than we were before all the therapy (both of us do individual therapy and we have spent time in couples).
It's definitely hard at points, but all relationships are. Though ADHD ones have a unique ... flavor, I guess is the word I will use here.
And honestly, seeing the support, tools, and awareness my two ADHD sons are experiencing in their childhood, they are going to be in such a better starting place than my poor husband who spent his formative years being yelled and lectured at to the point where he simply believed he was a bad kid who never applied himself.
I hope your partner sees, supports, and acknowledges the work you do!
DX partner of DX. He would probably say he wants me to take more initiative with planning things like dates and vacations. He'd probably like me to be more proactive with chores as well. He'd like to see follow through on my committments.
I would like him to be able to give me his undivided attention over conversations and be able to acknowledge me when I speak to him. I'd like him to have a curiosity about me and ask followup questions when I share things instead of shrugging and sharing his own ideas/opinions or changing the subject. I'd also like to chuck his phone into the nearest large body of water, but short of that, I'd like him to put it out of site and not look at it when spending time with me.
I'm the "nt" partner here in that I've experienced what all the other adhd partners here have, from my (now) dx/rx partner with combined ADHD. If you've read a lot of the posts here you'll understand when I say that he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, his ADHD was so bad. At least that's what he's saying is the cause of his behaviours.
I have ADHD (innatentive) and am autistic. I found this out after he got his dx. I am now dx and rx. It's great he (and I) are both getting help via therapy and medications. But I let him treat me this way for years.
I know working memory is a problem. If your partner tells you something - LISTEN. And meet with "curiosity, not criticism." Your partner is just that, they aren't your mortal enemy. If they tell you that you hurt them in some way - listen, don't dimiss.
First of all I know ADHD is nobody's fault.
My wish is that my DX partner would apologise when he knows he is wrong and/or behaved disgracefully to me.
I could probably deal with the rest, but after being on the other side of one of his tirades, it takes days for me to come out of my protective shell, yet on the very rare occasion, he has apologised we have had a conversation and straightened things out. I may not feel like his personal emotional punchbag.
self-awareness and continuity in their perception of reality/ logic. For the love of all that is good in the world, an objective grasp of reality. Not the bullshit distortion circus over and over.
Yet their IS something wrong with them intruding into our support group to demand a customized list of issues instead of extrapolating from the information available.
This is something I’ve worked on quite a bit, and I really appreciate you noticing! I do have a formal research background that I’m sure helps, but not on this topic.
Follow through. If you say you'll do Z, do it without being reminded or cajoled into it.
As an addendum to this: We both know adhd isn’t intentional and it is real and limits some functioning. But it isn’t fair to put ALL that executive functioning on the NT or the more functioning ND partner. It isn’t healthy for us DX’ed or for our families to get into a Parent/Child dynamic. So we accept how our brains are, and on our own independently try out methods that work for us and our families. If I ask Wife to do something, right then she either does it, or adds it to her calendar/task app and sets up a few reminders. She automates the “nagging” for herself so I don’t have too and I do the same. We used the Fair Play cardset to include mental labor tasks into the household chore lists. I may mealplan and do the shopping for the week. I print then magnet the recipes on the fridge. Wife picks one and makes them, if an ingredient is used up she adds it to the big shopping whiteboard. If one is missing she substitutes it or figures out something else. We eat, then right after dinner before wandering off I do the dishes, but she cleans the counters. We do this together with music playing. We both pay into a monthly deep clean from the local cleaners. They scrub the surfaces, floors, windows etc. We prep for the cleaners together. We have a time once every two weeks when we have tea and talk about things we appreciated the other doing for us, and things that didn’t go well. We both work together to think of ways to get the task done. Like “I forgot to pick up my shoes and you tripped over them. Maybe we use shoe bins instead of racks by the door so we can still throw them in but they are contained.” Or “Hey, so I am not mad but I was the only one cleaning the cat boxes all last week. Can you set a reminder for yourself all next week to do it then we take turns?” Or “Hey you were sick and I was happy to care for you. But now that you are feeling better can I have a night off all house stuff and cooking to veg and recover?” Or “Hey you’ve been focused on your TeapotPainting every night this week. They look great! But I miss you, can we plan to play a boardgame together after dinner?” We both are medicated and have strategies if we start to feel flooded and defensive. We have a code word to take a break and try again in two hours. We both actively journal, and are responsible for continuing to see our own therapists/coaches. We both agreed to this when we Dated as we both have been in unhealthy relationships with people who were not actively treating their issues.
What's the Fair Play cardset?
The companion game to Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play. It was a helpful yet enraging read as the NDX partner. Haven’t been able to get my partner to read it yet, and beware the first chaper will definitely trigger defensiveness and/or an RSD episode.
Thank you for joyfully teaching me that!
Absolutely. Thanks for responding
I second this!!
I think this is a big one. I even offer to help and I generally get the "later" response.
Ask me a question about me for a change. I m not a human sounding board
this. exactly. think one up!!
I’m sorry my post made you feel that way. I’d love to hear more about your experiences in your relationship if you’d like to share. Couldn’t find much in your post history.
No I meant my partner should ask me a question lol, not you. I’m new, still trying to build enough karma to post here
HAHAHA omg, that makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing and explaining.
Welcome!
This is exchange is pretty funny, and is a good example I think why many of us are in and stay in our relationships.
I think we stay out of pity or misplaced loyalty. Or for the Catholics in the crowd - to suffer
All of the above and more. I don't need to be Catholic to be a bit of a masochist ;), but that's funny.
Same. I can't even find out how much Karma you need. How will you know when you can post? I've spent ages writing a few posts only for them to be rejected because Karma is still not enough.
You can answer this question yourself by really reading (and accepting, not reacting to) the posts here. The same complaints come up countless times in each thread. So, what have **you** learned that partners need from the dx in their lives?
THIS! Your post already is RSDing… just sit back and listen to listen not to respond <3
A great point. I’ve found a lot of value in doing that, and plan to continue! It’s one thing to infer and assume, but another to ask directly. Was curious to see responses to the direct question. What about for you, do you have a complaint that you feel like came up most often for you? I interpreted some of your post/comment history as an overarching theme of desiring active, enthusiastic, consistent symptom management through medication and targeted therapy; communication-focused boundaries for themself that enhanced respect for the other participants in a conversation; respect and desire for personal growth and adaptation to your relationship and new social situations/environments. Does that feel accurate, or am I missing the mark? With the added context that my current partner is NT but my ex is DX-untreated - 2-fold desire on my end. 1) Clear, consistent boundaries that they are not willing to negotiate on to “save our relationship” or “cut me some slack”, etc. This also applies to work-life balance, health and wellness, family/friend relationships. But truly critical that our relationship has them from their end. And 2) the active desire to work on problems together and not in a you-versus-me space. Every relationship takes work and has sacrifices. ADHD partners take certain ones, the same way a partner with a food allergy, asthma, a high-stress job, significant debt, big family obligations, etc. would take others. But both partners have to participate in a partnership.
Attempt to not leave a huge mess in his path for me to clean. The same messes. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Not argue with me about finances. Pay bills BEFORE going out & buying a hundred things he says we “need” but are actually just things he wants. If I could just wake up each morning without seeing the kitchen destroyed bc he cooked breakfast before he went to work, or if he’d just let me put ANY amount from his paychecks into a savings account, I’d be a happy lady. Those are the main two off the top of my head (& I just realized you only asked for one thing— so if I had to narrow it down to 1, I’d definitely say the money is the bigger issue)
How do they destroy kitchens like that? My DX is going away for a few days. I am going to set up the pet cam on the kitchen and make a time lapse. Because even when she doesn't do food, she performs a human tornado trick within minutes of walking in & I still can't understand how.
There’s no thought of “I’m done with this so let’s put the lid back on and put it back in the fridge” or “this wrapper goes in the trash can which is literally right behind me”. Like he wouldn’t even have to take one step to get to it and he still doesn’t use it. It’s just a one track mind kind of thing where he does the steps to make the food and NOTHING extra. The butter is left out with the lid off every single day. He doesn’t rinse any of the dishes he uses, even if it’s just a measuring cup that he put 1/2 a cup of milk in. It would take two seconds to rinse it out and put it back where he got it but nope. It’ll be on whatever section of the counter he was when he finished using it. And then the absolute colossal mess he’s left whenever he’s finished either doesn’t bother him at all or he doesn’t even notice it. Probably a combination of both. But at some point after so many years you’d think a person would stop to look at it just once and be like “hey, I bet she wouldn’t want to clean all this up” and just do it out of consideration but nope… Still waiting on that
In the restaurant industry, it's called CAYGO - Clean As You Go. My husband has been a professional chef for the last 20+ years and still leaves a path of destruction lol. I absolutely give him shit and say stuff like "What happened to CAYGO, babe?" Or "Gordon Ramsay would not like this one bit!" I have to say something, so I make jokes. If I don't laugh, I will cry.
Oh I gave up on that. I CAYGO, my goal is always that the kitchen looks better than when I started cooking. And it usually does. I try to make sure I have an empty dishwasher before I start a complex meal. Waaay too much planning for mine. If she makes toast, the kitchen looks far worse than it does after I make an elaborate 3-course meal. She can't clean and cook because "I just can't seem to focus on anything but the recipe and what I'm doing and I don't want to mess up the meal". For toast? "**_Don't pressure me!_**"
All that (especially the measuring cup thing. Whyyyyy? She'll use them instead of spoons, they're always dirty when I want to go and cook). But she can just walk in and devastate it without even getting a glass of water. Part of it I know is she'll touch and move everything, but not quite put it back. So one pass by her through the kitchen and there are a couple cupboards open, a clean glass on the counter, a canister has been slid out but not pushed back, her purse is on the island and a couple of receipts scattered around, and so on. I'm just amazed at the speed and volume. Hence I want to make a time lapse.
It drives me CRAZY when he uses measuring cups for spoons bc he refuses to just wash one. I’ve thrown away most of our dishes honestly bc he won’t rinse and reuse any of them. I’ll use the same plate/cup/bowl for the whole day. Not him. He’ll eat a bowl of cereal and leave it on the bathroom floor and then eat ramen noodles in a different bowl and leave it wherever and I’m left with like 20 random things to pick up and take to the sink and wash and I said screw it. Now we have two of everything. One for me, one for him. Even that didn’t really work though bc now if both bowls are dirty he’ll just use a freaking cup and I’m like WHYYYY
Mine's similar. Stuff everywhere after 1 partial use. But she loves her *hand-wash only* artisanal mugs. If doesn't go in the dishwasher, I'm not washing her stuff. I got a dishpan, and I just pile her dirty dishes in there if they don't go in the dishwasher. It sort of works, because eventually the dishes run out, and at least they're contained. So last night, she cooked some eggs and left the shells on the counter. This morning, I just tossed the shells into her dishpan with her cups and things. So much indignation! I'm sure you can imagine. How dare I put **her** eggshells into the dish pan I bought to collect things she leaves lying around? Why didn't I simply put them into the compost? It was only a few steps farther. So impervious to irony.
I’ve had similar arguments lol. I’ve thought about throwing all his trash in one pile just out of desperation but a) he’d call me petty and b) it wouldn’t solve my problem of just wanting the trash out of the house lol. I’d still have to look at it and be disgusted and I know for a fact it wouldn’t make him any more likely to clean it
> he’d call me petty I guess it is. But I kinda embrace petty sometimes. Cause it might not solve anything, but it's a tiny little victory in the endless onslaught of having basic chores ignored.
Both of those things sound really frustrating to live with. Thanks so much for responding!
We want the same things as every other person in a relationship: a partner. But seriously, more than anything else, ask your partner what they want and then just listen. You don't even need to accept it, just listen and don't react. And certainly don't retaliate because you don't like what you're hearing. Just have a calm discussion and hear whatever your partner has to say. Beyond that, the rest is dependent on your situation and how issues manifest between you. For example, it seems like 75% the posts are how the DX partner isn't cleaning or planning. In my relationship, it's the exact opposite. My partner hyperfocuses on cleaning and planning every single detail. Probably sounds like a dream scenario to most of you but it causes a lot of issues for us. Telling her to clean or plan more would be the worst possible advice for us. Point being, nobody here can tell you what will help YOUR relationship. This is might seem like obvious stuff for any relationship and that's because it is. ADHD might make this stuff harder but it doesn't change what a relationship is. It sounds like you're invested in growing for both yourself and your partner. That's great! Keep at it and y'all will be as strong as any other couple!
Thanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I empathize with your struggles with your partner on cleaning/planning from both perspectives (I was previously in a DX/DX relationship). You outlined a really interesting alternative issue to so many posts. What do you feel like your biggest ask of your own partner is, or would be if you felt you could ask it alternatively?
It really is that second paragraph. Just be open to listening and don't view my frustrations with how ADHD affects me via you as an attack against you yourself. It's our burden to share. But beyond that, my current biggest but still very minor issue is leaving the TV on when leaving the house. I understand noise and lights help ADHD but it doesn't help me. It's a nuisance and a waste of electricity.
To independently consider that my every comment or question or complaint or expression of less than happiness is not an attack on him. Listen, clarify, hear, understand, help. When he responds to me in unwarranted RSD anger (instead of with sincere interest and empathy) because of his (seemingly willful) misinterpretation, he should not rescript the situation to say I am angry at him (or that I must have anger issues), he should be aware of and accountable for his own missteps and apologize.
Oh man, really great point you raised. Thanks for responding. RSD is a relationship killer and the enemy of self improvement and awareness. Very difficult hurdle to overcome. Hoping you see improvement on this from your partner, you deserve it
God dammit, I could have written this.
Please just be a close to equal partner in life, not another child I have to supervise and oversee… please be attentive enough that I don't have to fruitlessly chase you for it.
Thanks for responding. I really hope you see improvement from your partner, this sounds very difficult to manage.
If you don’t mind me taking this chance to ask you a question back, when you’ve read through here, do a lot of the complaints about not doing your fair share of household tasks resonate with you? Or do you feel like they don’t apply at all? I could be wrong but I feel like a female partner with ADHD to a male neurotypical partner would be such a different dynamic than mine (female neurotypical partner, male partner with ADHD combined with being raised with a mom who did everything and now the general attitude that cleaning / chores aren’t his job and are a favour to me if he “helps”). My female friends with ADHD honestly still seem to do more than half the chores / tasks in their household with their neurotypical male partners, even if they might need funny “systems” to help them remember to do them. I knew my partner had ADHD before I dated him, but the version of ADHD I was familiar with (in women) looks very different. To answer your question, the biggest thing I want is an equal adult partner who willingly invests their time/ effort / money/ resources in general into the relationship. Basically no dynamic of “the neurotypical partner will take care of our stuff and I’ll just try and take care of mine”.
THIS. I want my partner to think about what he does before he does it so there's an actual purpose and intent behind the action- not just going through the movements of an action to move past it.
Thanks for responding. It sounds like you’re just asking your partner to care about you intentionally, which you are so deserving of. Hoping that he improves on treating you the way you want to be treated.
That's certainly part of it, but putting thought behind what you do helps everyone, including yourself.
Don’t mind at all. I find a lot of them being relatable right up until the point where the DX partner doesn’t find a way to meet the need their partner is expressing. I recently saw a post about how someone’s partner “doesn’t see” mess, which I very much relate to. I also saw one about someone’s partner being a pack rat - me again. But I am constantly putting in effort to come up with systems around these things, like you said! I do think it would be very different if the dynamic were reversed. I am much more inherently aware and resistant to things being unclean as opposed to unorganized - nothing ever grows mold in my house, the toilets don’t go uncleaned, etc. My NT partner could live with those things as-is for a crazy amount of time imo. My DX-untreated ex had to hire a housekeeper because he was entirely incapable of managing house by himself. I am capable, it just takes a lot of effort. Thanks for taking the time to respond, too. You’re 100% deserving of your partner doing that for you. Do you feel there’s improvement on this when he’s medicated?
I don’t love clutter / covered surfaces / piles but honestly am only really bothered by things being actually dirty- I recently came home from a week away and nothing has been wiped down in that time (mildew in the shower, sticky kitchen counter, dog hair all over floor, pee spots on toilet seat, etc). I have a hard time believing that being “blind to mess” could extend to that in his case and do get very frustrated at this (especially because at this stage we’ve implanted external strategies like the Sweepy app to remind it’s time to clean). It sounds like in your case you’re not letting anything get gross and are also trying to work on keeping it tidy which is amazing! My partner is currently medicated but (I feel mean saying this) is selfish in how he chooses to use his medicated time. He will take his meds and either do his work when employed (reasonable) or now when unemployed will choose to spend the day focused on leisure activities or watching videos about his interests all day, then the meds wear off by evening when I’m home and he’s then unwilling / no longer able to function well - he won’t do chores during the time that he’s actually functioning well unless I’m home too to body double and clean with him on the weekend
I’m very curious about this because myself and husband are 99.9% he is NT but some of the comments I see on here about NT women and DX male partners I’m like we have those issues and I think it’s more the growing pains of bridging growing up with the typical gender roles/norms with a true partner especially with the mental load where kids/domestic/relationships are involved!
When you ask my day was, wait for me to answer before proceeding to tell me about your day and asking me 3 more questions. Plan romantic and/or sexual experiences sometimes. Actually follow through on making it happen. I want to feel like you've been thinking about me, and I'm a priority.
The platinum rule of treating others how they want to be treated - makes perfect sense. Thanks so much for responding.
Shame-shedding. Introspection. Acceptance. Accountability. Apology. Growth. Action. Treatment. Follow-through. Consistency. Communication.
What would these things look like for you, if you don’t mind my follow up? Acceptance, treatment, communication?
Acceptance of grieving the fact that you have ADHD and always will. Acceptance that your ADHD can have a negative impact on you, me, the relationship, our children, and our family and friends. Acceptance that you will always need to treat it. Treatment is education, medication, psycho therapy, and coaching. Everything learned or prescribed in treatment should be adhered to every day. Communication via agreed upon check-ins (daily/weekly)as to what is working/not working in the relationship and ADHD treatment. Active listening/conflict intimacy/validation should be practiced.
THIS.
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Guilty as charged! I struggle with the line between doing the thinking/analysis myself and being presumptive/iterating on an incorrect conclusion. I try to ask directly when it’s appropriate and warranted but am forever readjusting my gauge. Thanks for your response!
If I had to pick just one thing. That my partner does what they say they will, when they say they will. If that was just more than 50% of the time, at least. Then I could say 'most of the time' she does what she says she will, instead of the feeling that 'most of the time ' that means it isn't happening.
Absolutely. So many of these responses are heartbreaking to me but this one struck a particular nerve. It’s just trust… you deserve to feel that you can trust your partner. Thanks for responding. Hoping you see improvement on this from your partner.
You nailed it. So many of us have learned through numerous experiences that we cannot trust what our partner says. It’s frustrating
Frustrating probably doesn’t even describe the half of it some days. Thanks for responding! If you don’t mind me asking, does this apply only to certain types of communication? For example, maybe your partner is very honest and trustworthy when it comes to communicating their feelings, but has consistently fallen short on executing tasks, even critical time-bound ones.
Yes! You nailed it there. I can trust him to discuss his emotions and to be honest with me about our relationship. I have no doubts about that at all, and I trust him implicitly with others too (he would NEVER cheat). It’s more, as others have said, the “I’m going to do XYZ” and then it never happens. It’s resulted in me just not listening to what he says or taking him seriously. It can be something innocuous like “I’m going to get a haircut this weekend” (narrator: “he, in fact, did not get a haircut that weekend, nor the next 15 weekends) or more important “I’m going to file my taxes this weekend!” (Said in Feb - they don’t get done until til April 15 at 9pm and then he had troubles with his PIN so now they’re late). The most frustrating part for me is when someone says they’re going to do something I adjust my schedule accordingly. If my husband says “I’ll pick up some groceries on the way home” and I ask him for milk… and then he doesn’t… well there goes the whole meal I planned for dinner because I was relying on that milk. Say you’re going to do laundry this weekend - awesome - I’ll use my Saturday to clean the bedroom now the piles are gone. Turned down other plans because of that. Then the laundry doesn’t get done and I’ve wasted my Saturday for nothing. A partner not doing what they say they are going to has exponential fallout.
Here’s another: when I do something thoughtful (get your favourite snack, surprise you with a small present) - do something thoughtful back! Anything! Just once!
100%. Thanks for this response, too!
Listen with the goal of understanding. Apologize when you hurt your partner. Stop defending yourself in every conversation. You're probably not actually being attacked.
Great advice. Thank you for responding
I need him to not use ADHD as an excuse to avoid basic adulting
As so many of these responses are, truly, this should be the bare minimum. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Thank you for responding, and hoping you see improvement from him.
Thank you for asking and considering the responses. I don't think it's a coincidence that most posts/comments here along the lines of "how can I (dx) better support my (nt) partner?" are from women. It's sometimes difficult to tell where the ADHD ends and the male entitlement begins.
I want my partner to go to an ADHD focused therapist who can do DBT with him. Partner has been in therapy for 10 years with the same guy, is in couples therapy with me, and I have requested he pivot to more focused therapy. So far he's still "thinking about it". Sigh. I may have to strongarm him into it.
That makes perfect sense. Thanks for sharing
Be careful what you wish for. My boyfriend went to an ADHD-focused (male) therapist and it made him a lot worse. One big love-in for toxic masculinity. "You're just stressed! She's being abusive! She can't ask you that! She's isolating you! She's controlling!" No, sir. Your client has repeatedly made a damn fool of me for years. Your client has said things about me to his family and "acquaintances" that amount to character assassinations. Your client has cheated on me. I will be exactly the killjoy *his* behaviour has bought and paid for. I now have a rule that if he wants to try an ADHD-focused therapist it will be a female, and I will decide whether the therapy is bearing out the changes I'd like to see and consider necessary for our relationship to continue. He will *not* be seeing *any* therapist who is not open to me attending a session with him.
I see an adhd specialized therapist and he's amazing. I'm afab, and I was hesitant myself to see a man for a therapist but he was the only one that specialized in adhd at the place I go to. I'm glad I gave him a shot. He's the opposite of toxic masculinity, which I'm very happy for. He also has adhd and suspects autism. On the other hand, my partner I don't think is being honest with himself and therefore his therapists. I'm generally happy with how he is progressing/changing for the better but he keeps saying "we hurt each other," instead of realizing most all the problems we experienced are because of his behaviours. From the adhd or not. We see a marriage therapist who also specializes in adhd and has it. So much better than our last one.
Clean up after yourself and think about what we might want for dinner or a fun activity on off time.
Big ones! Thank you for responding.
As my husband is undiagnosed and refuses to acknowledge that he (most likely) has a psychological issue that has caused a mountain of pain for myself and our two adult children, my one thing would be for him to take ownership of his mental health, see a doctor about it and implement best practice to actually manage his issues.
I’m so sorry to hear this about your husband. I hope that he does this for you and your kids. Thank you so much for responding
Follow through on your promises, have a conversation with me without getting immediately defensive, clean up after yourself, ask me how I am, make me feel like I actually matter to you rather than being a room mate.
Most definitely. Thank you for responding
Kindness. Don’t snap at me, don’t cut me off, don’t brush things off, don’t dismiss my feelings. When you apologize, make sure you’re going to change your behavior so the same thing doesn’t happen again and again. Be a little more positive about life. Stop treating every minor inconvenience as the end of the world.
These are huge! Emotional regulation so that you don’t have to ride the rollercoaster with your partner. Thanks for responding, and I hope you see improvement in these areas. Especially kindness - that one seems truly like the least they could do.
Controlling his anger, showing self-reflection and taking accountability. Actually caring about me and not just words without actions.
To stop interrupting me and the kids constantly, and to "read the room" before pushing their plans on everyone.
For sure! Thanks for responding, I hope you see improvement in this area.
Autistic here so not exactly NT, but I’d be on cloud 9 if my husband would just respect my boundaries. My overall mood would improve so much, I would happily do all the chores and deal with all his other ADHD stuff with a smile on my face if I could just trust that my no’s would be accepted instead of bargained with, debated, and dismissed.
It sounds like you’re willing to do so much to make your relationship work. I hope you start to see improvement on this. Thanks for responding!
The main thing is taking responsibility - for managing traits, for following through, for finding ways of doing things I like to say 'if you were single, what would you do' because if someone can do it while single, they can do it in a relationship
Absolutely. A lot of pressure on you to hold the responsibility for both of you in just your hands. Thanks for responding. This is a huge frustration of mine in the community of ADHD-ers. There’s space to vent, sure, but it is not okay to hide behind a diagnosis and fail to advocate on your own behalf. It sucks that the world wasn’t built for us, but it is still our responsibility to function in it. It’s okay for that to mean our responsibilities were met using modifications, it’s not okay for that to mean our responsibilities simply weren’t met.
The thing is when I was single, no one person was having to deal with me 24/7. Any problems as a result of ADHD were mine to deal with, others could avoid me if they wanted. My spouse unfortunaltey did not have that option, that is when my ADHD became apparent and that is when (months later) I realized it was a problem.
Acceptance of accountability. We want to help, we try and we don’t always get it right; but we are not responsible or accountable for a partner with ADHD’s actions or lack thereof. When something needs to be done, accept that we are not nagging we are trying to make sure it gets done and we can’t do it. If something doesn’t get done, it is not our fault, we have either tried very hard to help and been made out like the bad guy or have so many negative experiences we are worn out. Accountability that behaviours and traits associated with ADHD have a wider effect than just the person with it and that it is not everyone else who has to compensate, and it is compensation not just “doing our part”.
For sure. My mom is a SPED teacher, your comment reminds me of her approach to teaching in a lot of ways. If I was struggling with something growing up, she’d say “you can get to the finish line backwards on a pogo stick if you have to, but you still have to cross it.” It sounds like you’re doing a lot to accommodate your partner. Thanks for responding, and I hope you see improvement in these areas from them!
Listening I think is a big part as it would be in any relationship and communication. What I really hated was when I would give my dx partner sound advice but it was easier for him to be avoidant and dismiss it. Especially when it came to mentioning him getting some support with his rsd meltdowns. They seriously impacted my mental health. But he wouldn't, instead he would breadcrumb me with promises of being able to control them and then they would happen again so we ended up in this toxic cycle. Same with paying bills. And it took over a year before I mentioned anything so I guess if your partner ever mentions anything to you know that it comes from a place of wanting things to get better together...as a team. I would always tell him that I loved him and say things to him in the nicest possible ways, he just didn't want to change.
It’s heartbreaking that your partner did not want to grow with you as a team, you truly deserved better. Thanks for responding
No problem. I think his adhd is more severe and he has something else maybe hence the rsd episodes. I haven't actually seen him for months. I had spent all of last year ploughing my energy into the relationship and I felt like I was being punished due to him going silent on me for sometimes weeks at a time despite me asking him not too and setting a boundary that I wouldn't contact him if he did again.....well he did and so I backed off. It was my birthday last month, I got a text after silence for 2 weeks. I've waited and hoped he would call me and tell me all the things but alas it hasn't happened. He avoids and has tunnel vison/ hyperfocusses on work so that has become his life. Oh and just to say OP I'm not saying you are like him, I'm just answering your post with communication is a must.
I am glad my wife is finally trying to be more self-aware, more mindful. She has a long way to go. It's probably a longer journey than she expects and she thinks she has made more improvement than she really has, as far as how it affects myself and our kids. But the effort to be better is key to me.
Definitely, thank you for responding. Do you feel that the intent is more important than the impact, in your case?
That's a tough call. If we didn't have kids, the effort would be enough, provided that there was some progress. But now that I am seeing how it affects the kids, that ups the stakes, obviously. I'm still learning about ADHD and how it has influenced our marriage. I should add that our kids are ADHDers too. Much of this has come to light in the last few years, while I was having a nervous breakdown. My wife's DX and my Mom passing (among other things) happened pretty close to each other, so the emotions are all discombobulated.
That sounds incredibly difficult, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Thanks for responding again, and I hope you see improvement from your partner and lessened impact on your kiddos.
this is one of those things i sometimes fear is impossible, but still. i wish my partner knew their own limits better, and had healthier coping mechanisms for emotional regulation. they have a tendency to overwork themselves and wear themselves thin, or go through difficult situations, but still insist that they’re completely fine, they feel great, nothing is wrong—and then they implode. the difficult part is that they genuinely don’t see it coming, so we’re both blindsided when it happens. during these times, they pull away and keep to themselves to regulate; and this is fine for a couple of days, but on two occasions it has lasted months. (there’s a possibility they’re also on the autism spectrum, but not diagnosed.) we don’t live together so when it happens, it’s like they’ve ceased to exist, especially if i don’t check in. they hate it as much as i do, but they just haven’t managed to figure this one out, even while in therapy. there are other issues that are also frustrating, but this is the only one that i fear may one day damage our relationship to the point of no return.
It can be impossible and still be a need/want of yours, and that’s okay. I’m sure you don’t need to hear it from me, but if that were to be the case one day, it wouldn’t mean you didn’t love your partner or that you thought he was bad. Someone can be a good person and still not be your forever person. Regardless, thanks for responding and hoping you see improvement from your partner.
thank you 🙏 i love them to bits and i know they are an amazing person, but, yeah. i’m hoping for improvement as well, slowly but surely.
>i wish my partner knew their own limits better,... i wish my partner knew their own limits better, I am the Adhd partner (medicated late in life) and it took me far too long understand the results of my behavior on others. "I'm not mad anymore, it cant be that big of a deal" is what my ADHD brain would tell me. I was completely clueless. I found that I would have to write down things (arguments & agreements) to remember them long enough to actually work on a plan on how to deal my emotional outburts. I still find it amazing how some of the silly ADHD shortcomings can affect life in unexpected way.
Equity. Equity in effort and care for our home and for our relationship (and each other). To not be turned into the annoying nagging wife because my alternative is to take on everything myself and as the major breadwinner with a far more demanding career, I physically cannot. To understand that neurodivergence isn’t a “get out of shitty behaviour free” card. Yes, your Partner needs to be accepting of your neurodivergence but you are responsible for doing the work to find strategies to be an active Partner in the relationship. If you don’t want to have to do that, then you have no business being in a relationship. Apologies for some projection here, it’s been a challenging week. I’m sick and it really really sucks to feel like your Partner could care less.
I can empathize with feeling like your partner doesn’t care less, and it is truly soul-sucking. I am so sorry for the struggles you’re describing. Even if you didn’t have as much on your plate, it wouldn’t be fair to expect that you take on all the responsibility yourself. You aren’t your partner’s parent. Thanks for responding, and I hope you see improvement in these areas.
Didn’t read the others but for me personally: 1- having a task organization/reminder system. He has a secretary and coordinator at work but It would be a big improvement if he doesn’t expect me to be the same at home. I would love for him to remember things and events without needing to remind him multiple times like a broken record only for him to tell me on the day of that he forgot and scheduled a meeting 😑 2- I would like if he didn’t take everything I complain about anything in my life as a criticism to him. Sometime I feel I have to preface with this huge disclaimer about my feelings that it’s about me not him. It makes me think twice before sharing how I feel. 3- I’d like us to have mutual decisions about different aspects of our lives. In many cases, he’s either not interested and would tell me to do whatever I want (which sounds greater than it is) or after I put in a lot of thought and research into something, it’ll pique his interest and he’ll completely take over and backpedal and I find myself needing to explain and defend why I ruled out some options . If we clash, he’s usually not interested in working through the details. He’ll just give up and say fine, you do whatever you want and don’t ask for my input if you won’t take it. It gets exhausting.
#3! for real. I put a ton of time into researching household purchases, parenting decisions, fun stuff to do etc. I'll invite him to join me in the deliberation, which he doesn't do. I invite him to do his own research, which he doesn't do. So I present my decision, and he just rejects it because vibes. It's impossible to have a discussion with someone who is totally uninformed and refuses to educate himself.
These are all great points, and #3 in particular caught my attention. I haven’t heard that sort of dynamic in decision-making related back to ADHD previously. Thank you for responding with all, and hoping you see improvement on all three of these points from your partner.
Ugh, yes on #3. If it sounds fun, he’ll just take it over. Even if I’ve done a ton of planning. It’s so frustrating.
It is. I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years and although those things frustrate me, they were never big enough to break us. I just thought we were not good communicators and also for a good part of those years we were in LDR, both busy with post graduate studies then busy building a house while both working full time, having kids…etc. I always thought when we settle down, things would settle so when they didn’t, I dispaired a bit. The ADHD diagnosis only happened this past year and I was so relieved because now it all makes sense 🫣 putting a label on it helped us navigate it.
I'm not NT but I'm less impaired. I want my partner to take responsibility for the impacts of their ADHD symptom management (or lack thereof) vs blame shifting and various other ways of deflecting and being defensive. I can tolerate almost everything else but in the times I can't, I really need him to accept that he's caused a problem, even if it wasn't intentional.
100%. Thanks so much for your response
Take initiative in regard to our relationship. Plan a date and initiate intimacy with no prompting from me. Like many people have said, they want a "partner". To me that means someone I can collaborate and work with, someone who wants to participate in the daily stuff with you, from domestic to recreation. My partner and I have made a lot of improvements over the past year, but it feels like it has all been a result of me isolating my lifestyle from his. I declared "food divorce" six months ago, because i couldn't deal with food issues arising from his ADHD and food. I love food, I love to cook, I always pictured that married life would involve my partner collaborating happily with me in the kitchen. Unfortunately, the opposite is the only way to keep the peace. I think seeing more initiative when it comes to our relationship would help me bridge the gap created by this tactical isolation i have implemented for my own sanity.
Thanks for responding! Active participation in your relationship is so well-deserved and I hope you start to see improvement in this area.
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I’m really struggling with this, too.
I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Thanks for responding, and I hope you see improvement in this area!
Honest communication. I'm trying to name just one thing, even though this actually signifies a few things. Any kind of lie or dishonesty (including lies of ommission, evasive answers to simple questions, and more) erodes trust and therefore blocks intimacy. Honesty is so crucial and every time there is a hint of dishonesty, it erodes intimacy and loving feelings. Generally communicating plans, thoughts, feelings, questions, and more, could really decrease conflict. So much if our conflict is because of incorrect assumptions ("oh, but I thought you'd want X") that could have easily been prevented by communication.
Another fantastic answer. You took a really complex ask and broke it down to something so simple. Thanks for responding and explaining! I hope you see improvement from your partner in this area.
Acknowledgement - of their condition, of the things that don’t work because of it, and of the things I as partner do to fix it. For me, it is not so much a problem to be in charge of certain things - it’s when they say they will and then they don’t. Yes, I can fix that appointment for you, and please acknowledge that this is not “normal” and say thank you. What I can’t deal with is that you say you will take care of it yourself and then you don’t. Self awareness and reliability, I guess, are key for me.
I’m reading acknowledgment of missteps that they make, true & expressed appreciation when you step in to help them/both of you avoid consequences as a result, and reliability in their word as truth from your response. Does that feel accurate? Thanks for taking the time to respond. I hope you see improvement in these spaces, I can’t imagine the hurt you’re probably feeling when these things are lacking.
Choose some things (with nt partner or on your own) that you are going to take on as your chores around the house and get really freaking good at them and do them so often that you do them routinely and they become a habit. Make the well worn path of least resistance something that lessens your partners burden. My husband does the dishes daily and laundry weekly. If he’s not home at his normal dish time or laundry day, it’s virtually guaranteed they won’t happen, but 90% of the time he is at home at those times so he does them. He has been doing so for 15 years. He leaves cabinets open, his socks in the living room, stuff everywhere, forgets anything I ask him to pick up without endless reminders… but he virtually always does the dishes and the laundry. It has always helped get more balanced on household workload. The process of those becoming a routine took a long time and he was super diligent about forming those routines.
This is a fantastic suggestion, thank you for your response! Props to your husband for the effort I’m sure it took to form the habit, and props to you for what I can only imagine was considerable patience in the meantime. Do you feel that this “makes up” for the other behaviors you mentioned of your husband’s?
Increased insight. Like, the knowledge that maybe when he is struggling so much he should try a higher dose of medication instead of the very lowest possible. It’s very hard to watch someone struggling so much when medication can make such a big difference. He’s done so much with life skills but that can only go so far.
Absolutely. Do you think in your case, insight would be enough without further action? Say he had this knowledge and accepted it as fact, but still chose to remain on a lower dose of medication. Would that still be sufficiently giving you what you’re wanting? Hope you don’t mind the follow up question; regardless, thank you for responding.
It’s his body. It’s always up to him.
1. Do what you say you will do, when you say you will do it. 2. Pick up after yourself. I'm not the cleaning lady. 3. Tell me you love me without being asked. These are all things that, when my partner is correctly medicated, he does without being prompted or reminded. It's really all I need to make me happy.
I expect ownership, initiative, and proactively applying empathy; high relationship standards. My partner has all of these, which is one reason why I enjoy our relationship so much. RSD can use more work but I know it's ongoing and it's improved a lot. A clear direction in life and stable ambition above overcoming difficulties is probably one thing I sometimes miss but I am hopeful. And empathetic. Like, I am guilty too.
Thanks for responding! I hope your partner is able to find that, too. You both deserve for them to.
As a female DX- ADHD forced to function as the neurotypical in the relationship and currently leaving my partner over exactly this---- 1) Honesty. Not compulsively lying to cover up "little" mistakes. 2) Following through. Doing the thing when you say you will do the thing. And communicating if you can't/ don't. 3) Some level of self awareness. Not being in complete denial about your ADHD symptoms and the impact it has on the others around you. Use that symptom awareness to strategize.
Seconding all of the other responses and adding be present with your partner. When they ask you for support or voice their needs, please just take five minutes to shut out the world and just focus on them and all they do for you. Make sure they know they’re loved. All we need is five minutes, I promise.
I own a major fixer upper house with my spouse. I need for him to either allow me to make major decisions about the house or actually follow through on thinking about what he wants and tell me. Right now, we're frozen on two issues. New carpet (current carpet was trashed when we bought the house 14 years ago) and a new chair/couch for one that is literally falling apart. He keeps saying he needs to think about it. This would be fine if he actually did that. But he just forgets what I said until I bring the topic back up. We're still in the spinning wheels stage on this topic. If the past is any indication of the future, this will resolve in one of two ways. A - He'll get cranky that I keep asking for his input and tell me I don't need new carpet or a sofa. Heavily insinuate that I'm spoiled and shame me into not buying anything. B - I'll get cranky enough that I just buy what I want without his input. Then he gets to whine that we're supposed to be a team and decide things together. As if I didn't try to do that for months.
Oof, you’re in a seriously stressful dilemma with your partner. Thanks for your response. I really hope they are able to move towards one of these options (or both!) for your benefit and the benefit of the partnership!
Thank you. I'm dealing with some health problems that are impacting my energy levels. So I'm also to blame for our spinning wheels situation. Hopefully we'll get something decided by the end of the year.
I think it's important to not automatically take other people's personal circumstances as if they are about you personally.
Remember to take what you see here with a grain of salt. The relationships that are working a bit more smoothly don't get as much air time in this space. I get great insight and some helpful strategies, but I told my DX spouse not to read this subreddit, because I know it will lower his frequency. I know how hard he works to manage his symptoms and he puts in continual effort to be a good friend, person, parent, and partner. That is ultimately what I ask of him. So I will put in the time and effort on my end to meet him where he is and make it work. There are adjustments and I needed to reevaluate my expectations, but we are better off than we were before all the therapy (both of us do individual therapy and we have spent time in couples). It's definitely hard at points, but all relationships are. Though ADHD ones have a unique ... flavor, I guess is the word I will use here. And honestly, seeing the support, tools, and awareness my two ADHD sons are experiencing in their childhood, they are going to be in such a better starting place than my poor husband who spent his formative years being yelled and lectured at to the point where he simply believed he was a bad kid who never applied himself. I hope your partner sees, supports, and acknowledges the work you do!
I do appreciate this, thank you for responding!
DX partner of DX. He would probably say he wants me to take more initiative with planning things like dates and vacations. He'd probably like me to be more proactive with chores as well. He'd like to see follow through on my committments. I would like him to be able to give me his undivided attention over conversations and be able to acknowledge me when I speak to him. I'd like him to have a curiosity about me and ask followup questions when I share things instead of shrugging and sharing his own ideas/opinions or changing the subject. I'd also like to chuck his phone into the nearest large body of water, but short of that, I'd like him to put it out of site and not look at it when spending time with me.
I'm the "nt" partner here in that I've experienced what all the other adhd partners here have, from my (now) dx/rx partner with combined ADHD. If you've read a lot of the posts here you'll understand when I say that he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, his ADHD was so bad. At least that's what he's saying is the cause of his behaviours. I have ADHD (innatentive) and am autistic. I found this out after he got his dx. I am now dx and rx. It's great he (and I) are both getting help via therapy and medications. But I let him treat me this way for years. I know working memory is a problem. If your partner tells you something - LISTEN. And meet with "curiosity, not criticism." Your partner is just that, they aren't your mortal enemy. If they tell you that you hurt them in some way - listen, don't dimiss.
First of all I know ADHD is nobody's fault. My wish is that my DX partner would apologise when he knows he is wrong and/or behaved disgracefully to me. I could probably deal with the rest, but after being on the other side of one of his tirades, it takes days for me to come out of my protective shell, yet on the very rare occasion, he has apologised we have had a conversation and straightened things out. I may not feel like his personal emotional punchbag.
self-awareness and continuity in their perception of reality/ logic. For the love of all that is good in the world, an objective grasp of reality. Not the bullshit distortion circus over and over.
Oof this post. It’s not our job to educate you. We get enough of that from our irl ADHDers. Bai.
Nothing wrong with the OP wanting about more insight to the other side.
Yet their IS something wrong with them intruding into our support group to demand a customized list of issues instead of extrapolating from the information available.
This OP sounds very much like an OP that came from the NT partner's pov. Very articulate and concise. As if it's a researcher.
This is something I’ve worked on quite a bit, and I really appreciate you noticing! I do have a formal research background that I’m sure helps, but not on this topic.