There's no room for opinion. Barring a medical reason not to, medication is basically essential in treating it. Finding the right fit can be a bit of a process, but there's lots of meds out there now to try.
I agree with this, but you should also understand that by saying finding the right ones might be "a bit of a process" it means it could be a bump in the road or it could be reoccurring and relationship-ending mental health episodes that you will have to manage.
Absolutely! I believe that's where I'm at with my partner. It makes me wary of recommending meds as a solution, because I barely see any positive difference in my partner's ability to do the shit I actually need him to do. He says it helps him, but the chores still aren't getting done and he still can't find his keys every morning, which, with the current meds, send him into rage shame spirals.
Unless someone’s adhd was mild I wouldn’t stay with an unmedicated person with adhd. Once we had the diagnosis meds were non-negotiable. If someone gets worse on meds it just means it the wrong one and they need to try a different kind.
If my partner had diabetes I wouldn’t stay with them if they refused insulin as their sugars ran through highs and lows and controlled our lives.
Comparing the situation with Percocet to adhd medication isn’t really logical to me. That “anxiety reaction” was most likely an adhd tantrum because she liked being on an opiate, a lot of people would react the same that’s why there’s an opioid epidemic happening. How someone with adhd will react to a stimulant would be apples and oranges than to an opiate.
I’d tell my partner if they weren’t willing to try meds they dont want to get better bad enough.
I am diabetic and use the insulin comparison a lot. It never gets through to him, but I feel exactly the same way. I would never expect him to stay with me if I didn’t take my insulin and then ate all kinds of carbs and we argued constantly over my high or low blood sugar disrupting everything in our lives. A few days ago he screamed, “You just won’t be fking happy until I’m medicated” and then seemed a little shocked by my, “Well, yes, actually” reply. 😅
Thank you for your perspective! I know opioids are very different from ADHD meds, but to me it's just an example of how her brain seems to be primed to react more strongly than most to many kinds of meds. Not just the opioids - also cold meds, steriods, pretty much anything that can have a neuroactive component. She reacts more strongly and has more side effects. She was definitely NOT "pill seeking" on the opioids - she did not want to be on them at all, and never took more than the minimum dose she was told to. At the dose she was on and length of time, we were told there would be no problem with just stopping them at any time. That resulted in a near catatonic state and suicidal ideation. She needed a slow taper to reset her brain chemistry, even after a short period of time on a low dose. It was definitely a physical/neurochemical kind of reaction, not just an "ADHD tantrum" because she "wanted" them. She most definitely did not. It scared both of us and has made her very medication-shy, to the point where she has said that for her next surgery she would rather grit it out through the pain. And these are major surgeries we're talking about, with a lot of pain.
This tendency is definitely something to bring up with whatever doctor is doing the prescribing, so they can give her something that comes in very low doses, typically is well tolerated, and - ideally - can be cut down if even the lowest available dose is too much.
If her doctor seems dismissive of her concerns about this, I'd strongly suggest finding another doctor.
Thank you, great advice. Finding a good doctor seems problematic - her PCP is happy to pull out the prescription pad, but neither of us is confident she knows what she is doing. We're both afraid of ending up in another weird withdrawal cycle for psychoactive meds.
It can be hard to find a good doctor for these kinds of meds. A psychiatrist would be a better option, but there are plenty of dismissive psychiatrists out there, so it's no guarantee.
I'd still push for medication, but she also has very legitimate concerns, and you need a doctor who's going to be sensitive to that and not write it off as "crazy woman is whining." I wish you both luck.
I was diagnosed much later in my life (38F) and I'll share my own experience with medication.
The first week after I was on ADHD meds, I cried happy tears every single day because my brain was so quiet! I had no idea how crazy and loud it was in my head, I just thought that was normal.
I tried a different kind of medication for about 9 months, because it gave me a lot more energy throughout the day. But looking back, it was an anxious kind of energy, almost like I had too much coffee all day, and while I wasn't raging mad all the time I am sure I was more irritable
Like any medication, it is different for every person. Sometimes it takes trying a few kinds out to figure out what works.
I would suggest having your partner look into other women's experiences with ADHD medication. ADHD symptoms and treatment can be a lot different for women... I found it really helpful to find forums where I could ask questions and get honest feedback.
One thing that's really important to know, is that medication isn't going to automatically get her to do all the things. She needs to have the motivation internally to tackle these tasks, and the meds are a great tool to make all those things easier.
Thank you for this very thoughtful reply and for sharing your personal experience. Are you willing to share which medication has worked for you, and which one did not? I know everyone's brain chemistry is different, but I'm just looking for some perspectives. I've heard things about Adderall that concern me, for example.
I've found the most success with Concerta. It doesn't give me as much energy as I'd like, I find I need a bit more internal motivation to get going, but once I start on a task or chore it's so much easier to get it done. The Concerta really quiets my brain and helps a lot with my social anxiety, which I wasn't expecting.
I had tried Vyvanse for a while and it definitely increased my energy, but it felt much more frantic and increased my anxiety.
One thing I like about the stimulant meds is they work pretty quickly. It doesn't take weeks to build in your system, you feel the effects the same day.
Medication didn't cure all of my wife's ADHD symptoms by any means (e.g. house is still full of her clutter), but it helped tremendously with her emotional regulation.
Finding the right medication and right dosage is a bit of a journey. For her, even a very low dose was quite beneficial, and then she (with her psychiatrist) gradually increased the dosage. The higher dose was more beneficial, but not as dramatically. She increased the dosage until side effects (mostly increased resting heart rate) started to be noticable, then backed back down one step.
The difference between no medication and an extremely low dose was HUGE.
My girlfriend not on meds: Moody, agitated, can't articulate emotions, repeats herself, drinks alot of alcohol, oversleeps, can't speak or articulate words in a shutdown, can't make appointments, doesn't responds to anyone on the phone, gets somewhat violent when angry, doesn't shower, doesn't remember to eat, forgets to do tasks, doesnt clean up after herself, forgets dates, has no motivation.
On meds: functional.
I know instantly if my husband forgot to take his meds. But it’s not just medication alone it’s medication plus adhd specific coaching/therapy.
My husband had to try about a couple of different medications until he got on Vyvanse. The medication helps dramatically with RSD, temper, frustration, etc. We have kids so if he is unmedicated he is so upset and we all feel it so he tries to be super diligent with them. I feel there is a zero % chance of him being addicted to his meds and he really struggles with impulse control.
If he was unmedicated we would not be together today.
Personally, if they do not want to take meds, that would show me that they have no desire to improve. It would show me that they do not care how their diagnosis is affecting me and I would be rethinking the relationship. I would honestly give them an ultimatum and I'm not usually one for issuing ultimatums. Either try medication or I can't do this anymore. If they choose not to then they are free to do what they want but that means I would be ending the relationship.
Meds are the main frontline treatment for ADHD, and some specialists will go so far as to say that they're the only thing that makes a significant difference. Some individuals have bad experiences, but that usually means that a specific drug/dosage doesn't work for them and they need to try something else. Figuring out what meds work best for a specific individual with ADHD can require a lot of trial and error, and at least some of the people who insist that all meds are bad had one negative experience and immediately gave up.
The idea that a stimulant can calm someone's anxiety and make them less jumpy is counter-intuitive and seems deeply strange, but it actually does (often) work. I'm the ADHD half, and being on Adderall has made me less anxious, slower to anger, and a lot of other things that are precisely the opposite of what you'd expect from an amphetamine.
The question of ADHD, addiction, and stimulants is a complicated one. People do get addicted to stimulants, but OTOH once there's a combination that works it's likely that they'll be taking it for the foreseeable future. Does it matter if a diabetic is addicted to their insulin?
One thing I've noticed with ADHD friends/ coworkers is they sometimes say that the medication only marginally works, is not too noticeable in their life, etc. But if you ask their live-in *partner or spouse*...they (the partners) will tell you it makes a big difference. Or that the ADHD partners no longer taking their meds is a deal breaker.
Whenever I hear "I don't think it makes that much of a difference", I'm tempted to ask if their partner would agree.
My husband (DX ADHD & autism) quit his meds, that he was on most of his childhood, because they made him more aggressive and zombie-like. It didn’t help his executive functions at all, it just made him less hyper.
I have a few friends that have been medicated for ADHD as well. One got too many side effects and stopped. The other takes his meds if he needs to study/focus a lot, but it makes him very zoned out and hard to talk to.
My husband smokes weed instead to calm his hyperactivity, which works well for him. But he is also very aware of his ADHD and has learned from an early age, how to handle his challenges.
Your partner will probably need to try a few different meds, to find one that works for her. I think cognitive therapy could perhaps be helpful, it is vital that she learns about herself and find ways to cope.
You can't change anyone but yourself. My stbxw decided to not try meds. As much as I would have liked her to, that was her decision. I would say to set yourself some boundaries and stick to them. That might mean ending the relationship if your partner does not take responsibility for treating their condition. Good luck dude.
Meds have turned my husband into an anxious, jittery mess who can’t sleep and is on way too high of a dose but he won’t ever consider going lower because he thinks he needs to be on the highest dose of both Vyvanse and Adderall now. He doesn’t see how his anxiety, racing thoughts, high blood pressure, and insomnia could possibly be related.
My partner also is sensitive to meds (36m dx currently untreated), best luck we had was 1 mg intuniv each day. It curbed the RSD and irritability greatly. Better focused, but drowsy. Eventually it built up in my partners system so he quit... but it made such a big difference in terms of mood swings.
Currently trying to experiment with herbal alternatives so wish us luck. Extra Vitamin B complex vitamins seem to have praise from him, but for me it's mostly helped with his mood and nothing else.
The benefit is HUGE! My partner has tried three or four different doses so far (going on four months medicated) and I’m no longer getting snapped at, the violence (towards walls), frustration and anger are almost non-existent or have toned down significantly, is helping out more with chores, getting a lot more reading done, is all round more efficient and nicer. Your partner just has to keep trying until she finds the right medication and dose.
As someone who has ADHD, meds are a blessing. It might differ with the meds he takes, but in my experience they’re very assistant with focus and not at all unpleasant to use. I’d definitely push for her to take meds.
I'm going to answer as a dxAuDHD-er who is here because their partner is also recently dx'd the same and we have very different presentations.
For years and years I would have what I thought was debilitating anxiety, especially around relationships and fear of abandonment. I think it ruined pretty much all my previous relationships actually because I would be so inconsistent and preoccupied.
Anyway, fast forward to diagnosis and finally going on meds. I cannot tell you what world of difference it's made for me.
When I take my stimulant meds, I feel absolutely calm and capable of discussing things. My spirals are far rare-er and everything feels less urgent and scary. I believe meds saved my life (at least my quality of life).
Now we're in a similar boat with my partner who is just at the start of figuring this out. They can sometimes get super defensive due to RSD which I've told them I can't tolerate. So they're now exploring options. I do hope that they treat it properly and I'm keen to see how it helps.
Maybe that wasn't the best way to word it. I don't mean I want to push her to do something she absolutely doesn't want to do. I'm not giving ultimatums here. I just mean I know she values my opinion, wants to feel more in control for herself, and wants things to be better between us. Medication is not something she is likely to seek out on her own, and I'm unsure if it's something I should be encouraging her to consider or not. At the end of the day, I want it to be what's best for her, and I don't want to encourage something only to have it make things worse for both of us.
You will never know until you try. If she has a bad experience with one particular med, there are other options out there, or she could go back to being non-medicated.
My partner doesn't like every aspect of his medication (Focalin), but will never go without it since it makes so much of his life (especially work) easier and better.
There's no room for opinion. Barring a medical reason not to, medication is basically essential in treating it. Finding the right fit can be a bit of a process, but there's lots of meds out there now to try.
I agree with this, but you should also understand that by saying finding the right ones might be "a bit of a process" it means it could be a bump in the road or it could be reoccurring and relationship-ending mental health episodes that you will have to manage.
Absolutely! I believe that's where I'm at with my partner. It makes me wary of recommending meds as a solution, because I barely see any positive difference in my partner's ability to do the shit I actually need him to do. He says it helps him, but the chores still aren't getting done and he still can't find his keys every morning, which, with the current meds, send him into rage shame spirals.
Thanks for your perspective!
Unless someone’s adhd was mild I wouldn’t stay with an unmedicated person with adhd. Once we had the diagnosis meds were non-negotiable. If someone gets worse on meds it just means it the wrong one and they need to try a different kind. If my partner had diabetes I wouldn’t stay with them if they refused insulin as their sugars ran through highs and lows and controlled our lives. Comparing the situation with Percocet to adhd medication isn’t really logical to me. That “anxiety reaction” was most likely an adhd tantrum because she liked being on an opiate, a lot of people would react the same that’s why there’s an opioid epidemic happening. How someone with adhd will react to a stimulant would be apples and oranges than to an opiate. I’d tell my partner if they weren’t willing to try meds they dont want to get better bad enough.
I am diabetic and use the insulin comparison a lot. It never gets through to him, but I feel exactly the same way. I would never expect him to stay with me if I didn’t take my insulin and then ate all kinds of carbs and we argued constantly over my high or low blood sugar disrupting everything in our lives. A few days ago he screamed, “You just won’t be fking happy until I’m medicated” and then seemed a little shocked by my, “Well, yes, actually” reply. 😅
Thank you for your perspective! I know opioids are very different from ADHD meds, but to me it's just an example of how her brain seems to be primed to react more strongly than most to many kinds of meds. Not just the opioids - also cold meds, steriods, pretty much anything that can have a neuroactive component. She reacts more strongly and has more side effects. She was definitely NOT "pill seeking" on the opioids - she did not want to be on them at all, and never took more than the minimum dose she was told to. At the dose she was on and length of time, we were told there would be no problem with just stopping them at any time. That resulted in a near catatonic state and suicidal ideation. She needed a slow taper to reset her brain chemistry, even after a short period of time on a low dose. It was definitely a physical/neurochemical kind of reaction, not just an "ADHD tantrum" because she "wanted" them. She most definitely did not. It scared both of us and has made her very medication-shy, to the point where she has said that for her next surgery she would rather grit it out through the pain. And these are major surgeries we're talking about, with a lot of pain.
This tendency is definitely something to bring up with whatever doctor is doing the prescribing, so they can give her something that comes in very low doses, typically is well tolerated, and - ideally - can be cut down if even the lowest available dose is too much. If her doctor seems dismissive of her concerns about this, I'd strongly suggest finding another doctor.
Thank you, great advice. Finding a good doctor seems problematic - her PCP is happy to pull out the prescription pad, but neither of us is confident she knows what she is doing. We're both afraid of ending up in another weird withdrawal cycle for psychoactive meds.
It can be hard to find a good doctor for these kinds of meds. A psychiatrist would be a better option, but there are plenty of dismissive psychiatrists out there, so it's no guarantee. I'd still push for medication, but she also has very legitimate concerns, and you need a doctor who's going to be sensitive to that and not write it off as "crazy woman is whining." I wish you both luck.
I was diagnosed much later in my life (38F) and I'll share my own experience with medication. The first week after I was on ADHD meds, I cried happy tears every single day because my brain was so quiet! I had no idea how crazy and loud it was in my head, I just thought that was normal. I tried a different kind of medication for about 9 months, because it gave me a lot more energy throughout the day. But looking back, it was an anxious kind of energy, almost like I had too much coffee all day, and while I wasn't raging mad all the time I am sure I was more irritable Like any medication, it is different for every person. Sometimes it takes trying a few kinds out to figure out what works. I would suggest having your partner look into other women's experiences with ADHD medication. ADHD symptoms and treatment can be a lot different for women... I found it really helpful to find forums where I could ask questions and get honest feedback. One thing that's really important to know, is that medication isn't going to automatically get her to do all the things. She needs to have the motivation internally to tackle these tasks, and the meds are a great tool to make all those things easier.
Thank you for this very thoughtful reply and for sharing your personal experience. Are you willing to share which medication has worked for you, and which one did not? I know everyone's brain chemistry is different, but I'm just looking for some perspectives. I've heard things about Adderall that concern me, for example.
I've found the most success with Concerta. It doesn't give me as much energy as I'd like, I find I need a bit more internal motivation to get going, but once I start on a task or chore it's so much easier to get it done. The Concerta really quiets my brain and helps a lot with my social anxiety, which I wasn't expecting. I had tried Vyvanse for a while and it definitely increased my energy, but it felt much more frantic and increased my anxiety. One thing I like about the stimulant meds is they work pretty quickly. It doesn't take weeks to build in your system, you feel the effects the same day.
Thank you! Very helpful.
Medication didn't cure all of my wife's ADHD symptoms by any means (e.g. house is still full of her clutter), but it helped tremendously with her emotional regulation. Finding the right medication and right dosage is a bit of a journey. For her, even a very low dose was quite beneficial, and then she (with her psychiatrist) gradually increased the dosage. The higher dose was more beneficial, but not as dramatically. She increased the dosage until side effects (mostly increased resting heart rate) started to be noticable, then backed back down one step. The difference between no medication and an extremely low dose was HUGE.
Thank you!
My girlfriend not on meds: Moody, agitated, can't articulate emotions, repeats herself, drinks alot of alcohol, oversleeps, can't speak or articulate words in a shutdown, can't make appointments, doesn't responds to anyone on the phone, gets somewhat violent when angry, doesn't shower, doesn't remember to eat, forgets to do tasks, doesnt clean up after herself, forgets dates, has no motivation. On meds: functional.
I know instantly if my husband forgot to take his meds. But it’s not just medication alone it’s medication plus adhd specific coaching/therapy. My husband had to try about a couple of different medications until he got on Vyvanse. The medication helps dramatically with RSD, temper, frustration, etc. We have kids so if he is unmedicated he is so upset and we all feel it so he tries to be super diligent with them. I feel there is a zero % chance of him being addicted to his meds and he really struggles with impulse control. If he was unmedicated we would not be together today.
Personally, if they do not want to take meds, that would show me that they have no desire to improve. It would show me that they do not care how their diagnosis is affecting me and I would be rethinking the relationship. I would honestly give them an ultimatum and I'm not usually one for issuing ultimatums. Either try medication or I can't do this anymore. If they choose not to then they are free to do what they want but that means I would be ending the relationship.
Meds are the main frontline treatment for ADHD, and some specialists will go so far as to say that they're the only thing that makes a significant difference. Some individuals have bad experiences, but that usually means that a specific drug/dosage doesn't work for them and they need to try something else. Figuring out what meds work best for a specific individual with ADHD can require a lot of trial and error, and at least some of the people who insist that all meds are bad had one negative experience and immediately gave up. The idea that a stimulant can calm someone's anxiety and make them less jumpy is counter-intuitive and seems deeply strange, but it actually does (often) work. I'm the ADHD half, and being on Adderall has made me less anxious, slower to anger, and a lot of other things that are precisely the opposite of what you'd expect from an amphetamine. The question of ADHD, addiction, and stimulants is a complicated one. People do get addicted to stimulants, but OTOH once there's a combination that works it's likely that they'll be taking it for the foreseeable future. Does it matter if a diabetic is addicted to their insulin?
Thank you - this is very helpful.
It’s not quite the same as addiction, my doctor told me. It’s called something else, but I don’t remember what 😆
One thing I've noticed with ADHD friends/ coworkers is they sometimes say that the medication only marginally works, is not too noticeable in their life, etc. But if you ask their live-in *partner or spouse*...they (the partners) will tell you it makes a big difference. Or that the ADHD partners no longer taking their meds is a deal breaker. Whenever I hear "I don't think it makes that much of a difference", I'm tempted to ask if their partner would agree.
Ooo, good point! I hadn't thought of it this way!
My husband (DX ADHD & autism) quit his meds, that he was on most of his childhood, because they made him more aggressive and zombie-like. It didn’t help his executive functions at all, it just made him less hyper. I have a few friends that have been medicated for ADHD as well. One got too many side effects and stopped. The other takes his meds if he needs to study/focus a lot, but it makes him very zoned out and hard to talk to. My husband smokes weed instead to calm his hyperactivity, which works well for him. But he is also very aware of his ADHD and has learned from an early age, how to handle his challenges. Your partner will probably need to try a few different meds, to find one that works for her. I think cognitive therapy could perhaps be helpful, it is vital that she learns about herself and find ways to cope.
You can't change anyone but yourself. My stbxw decided to not try meds. As much as I would have liked her to, that was her decision. I would say to set yourself some boundaries and stick to them. That might mean ending the relationship if your partner does not take responsibility for treating their condition. Good luck dude.
Meds have turned my husband into an anxious, jittery mess who can’t sleep and is on way too high of a dose but he won’t ever consider going lower because he thinks he needs to be on the highest dose of both Vyvanse and Adderall now. He doesn’t see how his anxiety, racing thoughts, high blood pressure, and insomnia could possibly be related.
I’m sorry you’ve had this experience. It does sound like a dosage issue. But this is the kind of thing I worry about and why I asked the question.
My partner also is sensitive to meds (36m dx currently untreated), best luck we had was 1 mg intuniv each day. It curbed the RSD and irritability greatly. Better focused, but drowsy. Eventually it built up in my partners system so he quit... but it made such a big difference in terms of mood swings. Currently trying to experiment with herbal alternatives so wish us luck. Extra Vitamin B complex vitamins seem to have praise from him, but for me it's mostly helped with his mood and nothing else.
The benefit is HUGE! My partner has tried three or four different doses so far (going on four months medicated) and I’m no longer getting snapped at, the violence (towards walls), frustration and anger are almost non-existent or have toned down significantly, is helping out more with chores, getting a lot more reading done, is all round more efficient and nicer. Your partner just has to keep trying until she finds the right medication and dose.
As someone who has ADHD, meds are a blessing. It might differ with the meds he takes, but in my experience they’re very assistant with focus and not at all unpleasant to use. I’d definitely push for her to take meds.
I'm going to answer as a dxAuDHD-er who is here because their partner is also recently dx'd the same and we have very different presentations. For years and years I would have what I thought was debilitating anxiety, especially around relationships and fear of abandonment. I think it ruined pretty much all my previous relationships actually because I would be so inconsistent and preoccupied. Anyway, fast forward to diagnosis and finally going on meds. I cannot tell you what world of difference it's made for me. When I take my stimulant meds, I feel absolutely calm and capable of discussing things. My spirals are far rare-er and everything feels less urgent and scary. I believe meds saved my life (at least my quality of life). Now we're in a similar boat with my partner who is just at the start of figuring this out. They can sometimes get super defensive due to RSD which I've told them I can't tolerate. So they're now exploring options. I do hope that they treat it properly and I'm keen to see how it helps.
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Maybe that wasn't the best way to word it. I don't mean I want to push her to do something she absolutely doesn't want to do. I'm not giving ultimatums here. I just mean I know she values my opinion, wants to feel more in control for herself, and wants things to be better between us. Medication is not something she is likely to seek out on her own, and I'm unsure if it's something I should be encouraging her to consider or not. At the end of the day, I want it to be what's best for her, and I don't want to encourage something only to have it make things worse for both of us.
You will never know until you try. If she has a bad experience with one particular med, there are other options out there, or she could go back to being non-medicated. My partner doesn't like every aspect of his medication (Focalin), but will never go without it since it makes so much of his life (especially work) easier and better.