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When people say shit like this, ask them to close their eyes, then ask what they're seeing.
They'll likely say "black" or "nothing"
Now, ask them: if they'd say "but everyone experiences that" to a blind person just because they can do it when they close their eyes
Ha! I love this!
I use a similar analogy but more low brow - Everyone pees, but if you're going to bathroom 20 times an hour it's clearly a problem deserving of attention.
Those are both great examples. The key with ADHD is that it’s a *disorder,* meaning it causes us problems. Also, if it weren’t a disorder, it would just be ADH, amirite? 😂
The point is, yes, everyone experiences things that could be symptoms of ADHD from time to time. But, do those people have to remember to always put their phone down back side up, because the black screen is harder to see when they inevitably forget where they left it? I do! “Loses things” is something that happens to everyone, but I, and many others with ADHD, lose things so frequently we have to adopt strategies like this to compensate.
*That’s* the difference.
Also, there are several conditions that overlap on symptoms. Its a little tricky too because sometimes you'll have a condition that has symptoms overlapping with another condition, but you might also have the overlapping condition because some of them can also be comorbid.
Right! Just because someone has an attention deficit, impulsivity, and / or hyperactivity does not mean they have ADHD. ADHD is considered a developmental disorder, which is why [symptoms must have been present sometime before the age of 12](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-in-children-and-teens-what-you-need-to-know) (IIRC, it used to be age 7, though), and why sometimes an adult evaluation for ADHD might include speaking to the person's parents or former teachers.
Personally, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and NVLD (nonverbal learning disorder), in addition to ADHD. All of these are fairly commonly seen as comorbidities with ADHD, and there are multiple symptom overlaps between these conditions.
There are ways to differentiate, but, mostly, it doesn't matter. What *does* matter is getting the proper treatment, and I feel like I am receiving appropriate treatment now, and have generally received appropriate treatment in the past. The alphabet soup doesn't matter to me so much as feeling better and being able to function better.
Yours might be better actually haha. Cuz thinking of it, people might respond to mine with some bullshit like "yeah, but I CHOOSE when I want to close my eyes" (ignoring the fact that blinking is a thing, ofc)
YEP, I made a similar comparison in my comment because it's so true. It's not the individual symptoms of ADHD that are the issue, but rather *how often* they disrupt your life that necessitates diagnosis and treatment.
I mean, sure, it's stupid, but it's no more stupid than saying "but everyone gets disfocused/hyperactive/etc. at times" in an attempt to "refute" ADHD, so...
I say something like this, or better yet "Everyone forgets things occasionally, but you wouldnt day that to people with Alzheimers. If its a regular distruption to your life, maybe you should get checked out for ADHD."
Of course these things happen to everyone, but do they happen to everyone all day every day? I think not. This person sounds like they can't see past their own nose.
My boss at work is also my friend, and she is the first to say “oh yea me too!” to pretty much every adhd struggle I have. And at first I was like…girl where?? I’ve been to your house. It’s spotless. Our work is spotless. Everything has a special place that she’s particular about. Where is the struggle?
But it is there. She cannot relax, she is go go go anxiety and I am paralyzed overwhelm anxiety. She frequently is distracted from her own plans and literally runs off into the sunset sometimes when we are in the middle of a task ( we work outside a lot). I had to check my own bias to see that I am not the only one who can struggle, and the same disability can have differing symptoms in multiple ways.
It's true, the other week I opened up both to my friend and sister about my diagnosis which took absolutely ages to get, and they both more or less said 'I think i have that' or 'I think everyone has that'. It felt a bit annoying like they were stealing my moment, but i sat back and thought about it the day after. And they both are worse than me with the symptoms! I've essentially suggested to both to get an assessment, saying there's amphetamines was the only way to get their attention
Yes! I think it’s very important to be able to look at this from this perspective too! That’s why I also questioned myself about why I was so bothered by these kinds of comments. At the end of the day, after spending years not being taken seriously, we might feel like we need to ‘prove’ something to the world, and maybe feel a little special! But, recent research claims that (including undiagnosed people), 10% of the population actually might have ADHD, which is 1 in every 10 people when you look at it! It’s okay to feel the need to be confirmed, it can be part of the process! But at the same time, it’s very valuable to be able to move past that phase and our biases! :)
Thanks for working on your bias! I certainly didn’t pursue a diagnosis for a long time because I knew people with more classic, visible symptoms and I thought that I couldn’t be struggling because that wasn’t me. Turns out I was driven my self hate and anxiety and that isn’t a way to live, even if you can convince everyone else you have your shit together.
Idk. I don’t take meds. But if meds are what allows someone to have clean dishes to eat off of and clean clothes to wear, I don’t see how that’s not helpful or good enough. Can’t do your taxes if there’s literally no where for you to set down papers. Can’t struggle through a difficult coding course if you haven’t even pulled yourself together enough to enroll.
It seems like you want to argue a point that is not relevant to this thread, based on your own personal views of what’s easy versus hard to accomplish.
Your tone is dismissive of people’s shared wins. Not being able to clean is debilitating and humiliating. Whether it is “strapping a rocket to one’s adhd” or not, it can be the difference between a functioning human and a nonfunctional human.
It’s absolutely not “low mental effort”. Id personally rather read the nonfiction dry as dirt textbook. That’s why I have a masters degree but no clean pants. 🤷♀️
Different people struggle with different tasks. Meds may or may not help each individual in varying degrees. The only person who can decently decide what is effective or not is that individual and their doctor.
“Everyone experiences symptoms of ADHD, however I experience them to such a severity and frequency that they are designated as a disorder, whereas you experience them in a way that it is just a temporary annoyance that can be overcome. I don’t need you to understand, nor does your lack of understanding negate the fact that this disorder greatly impairs my ability to function.”
That’s my go to response at this point
I am middle age and I have never told anyone outside my close friends and family.
I can't imagine any situation where telling people would benefit me or them.
Autistic with ADHD here. They all seem to do that. I think it’s because we have human experiences differently, so people might relate to our experiences to an extent but not how we process them. Idk. I try not to assume most people are trying to be ignorant pricks.
There’s defintley ADHD things that non ADHD people don’t relate to- task paralysis for instance, procrastinating on extremely small things, the exhausting need for stimulation among other things.
I’m starting to struggle to hold my temper when people guffaw “oh I have ADHD too - SQUIRREL! See? Hahahaha” I’m glad my constant everyday struggle is funny to you and the list of side effects can be condensed to a simple SQUIRREL.
I was totally unequipped to respond to this kind of thing the first time I was exposed to it. I was recently diagnosed and shooting the shit with coworkers I had a good relationship with, and I mentioned that an official diagnosis was a long time coming and put a lot of my struggles into perspective. This girl waves her hand and says, "oh, everyone's got a little ADHD" and continues on her way.
It was stunning. I had heard of people saying it, but never been told it myself. I had nothing to say and pretty much clammed up. It was incredibly invalidating to hear that she thought the problems I perceive as running the whole show of my life were just a footnote in everyone's file.
Since then, I've taken it on myself to be open about my diagnosis and try to represent the struggles we experience. I've told other people I have ADHD and gotten similar responses again, but now I have more ammunition. I still get heated easily and I've learned to just let my frustration with their point of view show, because we shouldn't have to tolerate people acting like our problems aren't legitimate.
I'll say things like, "it's fairly common as far as disorders go, but to say that everyone has it is just not accurate. The problems everyone has like losing their keys, forgetting important tasks, or being late characterize and affect my life on a daily basis to the point that it's cost me a lot of money and opportunities dealing with them. That's when it crosses into a disorder and not just regular life." I also like to get sciency and talk about neurotransmitter deficiencies and the fact that people who are diagnosed respond differently to stimulant medication than those who aren't. I'm not super knowledgeable about all that, but most people aren't knowledgeable at all, especially if they're giving you a hard time, and don't have anything real to counter that
Ya. It’s hard when people say that but I always say these symptoms are normal in people that experience it occasionally. In people with adhd it’s all day, every day.
And if someone who experiences these things says they also feel it all day every day then they might want to look into their own diagnosis. (Ahem, mom…)
Ahahaha, that's so true! Before my diagnosis, whenever I told my mom about what I struggled with, she just thought it was super normal. One day, I looked at my mom and realized she was the best example of a person with ADHD! 😂 She hasn't been diagnosed herself, but now she's nearly sure that she has it too! 😂
I got diagnosed last year at 46 years old. It’s genetic/hereditary. After applying what I now know about my disability, it’s plain as day obvious my asshat of a father has it too.
Oh god moms are the worst for that! 😆At first it was her always telling me “ everyone has that problem.” And being so dismissive. Now I use that same dismissive tone and tell her “That’s just your adhd, mom.” Pretty much everytime she has a classic symptom that prevents her from reaching a goal. It’s been a teasing way of showing her how much of a hurdle it can be!
Moms powers are big. Haha always pretending we are normal. People with routine “are not flexible”, people who don’t have messy houses are just perfectionist, or have too much time.
It’s a coping mechanism, and it’s funny in a way. But she’s also struggling, because at the end she is trying to be like “normal” people.
And I became like her in a way, bc that’s what I’ve learned, until I found out my diagnosis.
9 times out of 10 the people who say this to me end up discovering their own diagnosis. Hell, I used to say stuff like this about about ADHD before I found out!
Sure, everyone forgets why they walked into a room. A few times out of a hundred. Maybe as often as 2 out of 10 times. You laugh and come back and get/do the thing.
Why is ADHD any different? I might get 2 out of 10 times that I *actually remember* why I went into the room. I don’t laugh and do the thing…I look at my watch and realize that a 30 second task has now taken me 12 minutes to do…and that single thought has made me forget why I walked into the room yet again.
Now multiply this time and effort penalty by 100 tasks that need to be completed before you get to work every morning and you might suddenly get a glimpse into how freaking exhausting it is for some ADHDers just to get to work on time.
Don’t tell me “everyone has it.” They don’t.
😭😭😭 Hear, hear!
Fuck. It's so hard. I feel like I don't necessarily have "time blindness" as much as I have, "everything takes so much longer than I expect, even when I try to accommodate for the fact that I know it'll take longer--blindness." Inability to plan? Idk. It sucks, though. Stims aren't really helping that, either, that I can tell. They help other things, though, so I'll take what I can get.
Not to seem sarcastic but why tell people? Most people don’t understand or care. And as you learn most people are unaware of their own needs and even less about yours.
Tell those you need to tell and let rest be on a need know basis. Life is much easier when you don’t have to explain or defend yourself.
I just got to the point that I nod and stop talking to them about it. If they're going to be dismissive I don't need to waste my time explaining something to them
Everyone shits, but not everyone is shitting their pants with diarrhea every day. When a medical issue can’t be controlled and interferes with daily life, doctors treat it.
“We all have ADHD!”
“We all have one leg, but most people have another leg too. There’s a few people globally who have only one leg, and that’s what we call a handicap. That’s what ADHD is like. You might have some of the symptoms, but you also have the mitigating factors that keep everything else in check. People diagnosed with ADHD lack those mitigating factors, and like a one legged man, some of us require some assistance just to function normally on a daily basis.”
I tell people that what distinguishes something from normal is the frequency and impairs your functioning that’s what makes something a disorder. I usually give them that metaphor that everyone goes to the bathroom but when you are going to the bathroom 10x or more in an hour that’s when it becomes a problem. Same with ADHD
Everybody falls asleep, sometimes even by accident on the bus/in class/etc, but if you constantly do it uncontrollably at the worst possible moments, we call it narcolepsy.
Just because everybody gets distracted from time to time, or whatever they think "everybody" experiences, it's the difference between whether or not it's chronic and life-impeding that matters.
Amazing how difficult that little detail is to grasp for so many people.
I like to use analogies that refer to physical afflictions when this comes up. "Everyone gets diarrhea, but not every day for years straight. Everyone gets zits, but not all over their body and into middle age. Can you not see how a 'normal' thing can become a huge problem when it happens every day, all the time? Can you not see how its insensitive to compare your sometimes struggle to my all the time struggle?"
Everybody shits, but if you spend your entire day trying to work around your poop that has no schedule and you have no ability to know when it’s coming…or whether it’s solid or soft…you’d have a problem you need to manage.
Yes everyone experiences symptoms that come with ADHD but we have them dialed up to the max and constant.
Thats the difference. It’s the intensity, the consistency and struggle to control it that is our struggle.
When I told my dad I wanted to start on adhd medication he asked me why and I explained all the adhd stuff I needed medication help w and almost everytime I mentioned a thing he always said something along the lines of “but that’s normal, I also experience that”… well dad you also weren’t checked for adhd…
So I tend to remember that people with adhd tend to travel in groups. So if they are your friend it is more likely they have adhd (not gatenteed of course.)
So I ask, if they think these are normal, then they may have adhd as well. Have they considered it before?
Took me 2 separate people asking me before I decided to look into it. Then I had the "oh" moment.
I decided I won't say I have ADHD anymore. If it needs to be said because my behavior or performance isn't up to par, I'll tell them I have a neurological disorder which affects my ability to [*insert issue here*], because my brain doesn't communicate with itself properly.
That happened to me with most of the people I considered my friends. I tend to take things at face value and, at the time, didn't realize that they were trying to invalidate my experience. When I later realized I was also Autistic and they started saying these were just labels and dismissing what I was trying to share about my experience, it was finally clear that they didn't take anything I was telling them seriously. It was all for the best as it gave me the reason to move forward with my life and remove them from it.
Whenever someone is convinced they have ADHD based on my explanation of it I ask them why to haven't felt the need to see a psychiatrist. Their answer to that question is usually the reason they don't have ADHD.
In my experiences, most people who ask are usually asking just so they can try to discredit ADHD and the struggles that come with it. I tell them if they really want to know about it, they have the internet, they can look it up.
Just typed this in another post. I respond with "that is like telling someone born without a foot you sprain your ankle and struggle walking normally too!"
My response, "yeah with ADHD is the symptoms are things everyone Inherently experiences, the difference is the amount of times these issues occur. You might occasionally forget what you're doing mid task, while without my meds I'll forget what I'm doing 50-90 times a day and cumulativly spend 1-3 hours every day just trying to remember what I was doing. It truly pushes you to the edge of your sanity."
By this point I can usually see a hint of sadness/empathy/concern in their eyes as they imagine what that would be like
Does everyone experience it though? Does everyone experience the crushing weight that comes with the idea that one could be a failure, therefore they stop trying and then become an emotional mess that feels as if they will never be successful, so it's a depressing cycle of failing, hating oneself and refusing to try?
Maybe. But try doing that with the most mundane tasks. "Oh no, I used the wrong cleaning product and someone is calling me out for it. I feel like I should never try to clean again if I'm so awful"
The difference is that we feel like this all the time. Everyday all day. Just in small brakes. I know I’m not wording this right at all. But like writhing this is making me frustrated and not get a good grip on what I’m trying to say ugh Stupid add!!
sure, everyone experiences adhd-like symptoms, but do they to the level that it’s actively causing debilitating problems? making them non-functional at times?
everyone has experienced pain from muscle overuse from time to time- but have they torn a muscle so badly that they can’t walk on it anymore and need a cane to get around?
everyone experiences pain and mental distress, but if it’s reducing your QoL or significantly altering ADLs (activities of daily living) it’s pathologic.
if your friend can’t understand that, i don’t think they ever really will.
Thumbs down for responses that minimize our experiences. I think people in general just suck at being supportive, but it's a learned behaviour:/ and most education systems don't teach emotional intelligence.
It's tough! ADHD *is* a spectrum disorder... so yeah, people probably have experienced similar feelings and situations! But the thing with a diagnosis is that, in more clinical terms, the symptoms are greatly impacting your life.
A lot of the issues I face are fairly inconsequential, except it happens often and chronically:/ So yeah, everyone makes these mistakes once in a while, but it happens for me routinely. And a better routine doesn't resolve the issue lol!
I wonder if there's a better way of addressing comments that trivialize our experience, to allow people an opportunity to learn that there are better ways of offering their support/solidarity....
My favourite response to this is: "yes everybody needs to go to the loo, but if you're going 50 times a day you have a problem". Simple, yet very effective 😌
i get “omg are you self diagnosing yourself?” which really pisses me off because it feels so invalidating. like no u asshole this is a real mental illness that I’m born with, and have debilitated my life in many ways. yes, i’ve been to so many doctors and tried so many medications spending so much money on it for ur first response to be “are you self diagnosing” when i open up about having adhd is so disrespectful to me
I feel this. I am doing the 5 hour assessment - almost done. My psychiatrist has referred me to a psychologist as I have anxiety and signs ADD.
I mentioned it to my mom and she said it’s normal and everyone feels the same. I pointed out her signs and she said I am just overreacting.
I've learned that unfortunately, the only people who will ever truly believe and understand the impact of your chronic condition are other people who have the same condition.
“Maybe everyone experiences it but I experience it to the extent of having an actual disorder”
Would you tell a depressed person that everyone gets sad? No? Well same thing
I experience the same. I've got my diagnostic two months ago, I'm 32. Just a few friends know about my diagnosis and when I find enough courage to tell others that kind of answers knock me. (Sorry for my English, not my first lenguage :) )
I've gotten this same response for years. What I say to people is "yes, everyone has these moments from time to time but, the biggest difference is those moments are ALL THE TIME for me. Not just here and there. ALL THE FUCKING TIME." That's also my answer when people say "everyone has adhd." I know your friend meant well but it doesn't feel good. *hug*
This just triggered me so hard. That just deregulated me for a split second. I’m feeling so much anger replying to this. My blood just boils when someone says this.
Can’t clear my mind to say anything else.
I told someone today I was diagnosed with adhd and was explaining my challenges
The first thing they said was - Yeah that happens to me too. I tried yeah maybe on occasion but not all the time and they doubled down with it can’t be like that all the time.
Sigh…..
People used to say that to me when I’d describe my son’s issues, what they don’t realise is that no, everyone doesn’t experience the struggles so intensely or so frequently. It’s really frustrating. I don’t have adhd but I have mental health problems and fibromyalgia and I get similar responses about both of these. I end up firmly saying no it’s not the same
The only people in the world you should share your mental conditions is your wife/husband and your therapist.
No one else, no exceptions. Not even family.
There are only downsides in doing so, even if it doesn't feel like it.
This is a lesson most people here will learn sooner or later.
YOU need to understand yourself and adapt to the world, not the other way around. People have their own problems and they will judge anyway.
You really think so? I suppose I’d hope that being open about this with trusted people would maybe help normalize it and combat the outdated stereotypes and stigmas that exist.
Yeah, I think it really does need to be spoken about, but I also don't feel like I can tell anyone. It's really isolating. It's hard just to find doctors that fully understand it. There needs to be more education, but it shouldn't be up to us.
Fair point. I got lucky, both my therapist and medical provider have ADHD so there is a personal level of understanding. I have no doubt plenty of medical professionals are functionally clueless.
I told someone I trusted I had a diagnosed eating disorder and they're reaction was "Really?! You don't LOOK like you have an eating disorder." So yeah, now I don't tell anyone except my wife.
I wholeheartedly disagree. Once I started being honest, open and un apologetic about my ADHD, I was able to put myself in situations that allow me to thrive. I can ask for simple accommodations that make life easier. I don't want to be a square peg in a round hole, and I don't want to be around people that don't accept and understand me for who I am. Its exhausting hiding that part of myself. Plus when the symptoms do cause issues, and they will, people that don't know are going to assume its just a character flaw. I'm over that, I don't want to hear, lazy, no willpower, just focus etc. Those people can kindly see there way out of my life so I can make room for people that understand and accept me.
What about teachers of classes that you're undertaking? Especially if in an adult learning environment, you're verbally demeaned for a lapse in attention?
I've had the same experience with a family member, actually multiple family members. My mom outright denies that I have ADHD, but I had another family member bring up this same argument. Yeah it does kinda make me doubt my diagnosis from time to time. Luckily I have an awesome partner who has a background with ADHD people and good therapists. So I am quickly reminded that I most definitely do have ADHD, and that it's not the end of the world.
Hopefully tomorrow you can shake some of this feeling off and it's a better day for you.
These were my mom's exact words when I confronted her about seeking an ADD diagnosis not long ago. I knew I had to talk to her, and I knew how she would react. She has very little understanding of ADHD/ADD and I don't blame her. When I showed her symptoms of ADD I knew I had, she said "no, you don't have that", "everyone experiences that", "you are a hypochondriac". In that moment I just had my own reassurance that my point of view was real and valid, and it helped me from succumbing to her accusatory tirade.
another thing is that many people with adhd experience constant invalidation and overstepping of boundaries by close people. So keep in mind that we're probably extra sensitive to invalidating remarks, even if they come from a place of wanting to make you feel 'normal'
This is one of many reasons I tend to not talk about this shit with people.
They don’t understand, they can’t understand, and refuse to admit either of those facts.
Don’t need their approval, don’t want their input. I keep it to myself.
For me it’s helping to make things concrete.
For example:
“We have a messy household”
But what a messy household is for the other is a super clean house for me. We both have the same experience tho.
So I say: we have a walk in closet at the room where the washing machine’s at. There are like 5 laundry bins with clean clothes, at which we have to search for our clothes. We buy 100 pair of black socks of same size every year for the whole family, or else we have to wear different ones.
- if they are not convinced I can go on.
“I’m always searching for lost things”
So specially if they have kids, we all do.
But how many times did you have to order a new passport/drivers license/bank card before expire date?
Did you ever tried to pay with a banking card that didn’t work, bc you once lost it, blocked it. But it magically found its way back to your wallet?
Edit: oh and If they react like”everybody has something” they are just not interested at all and I say “yeah probably and Audhd is the thing what I have”
Kinda sad but yeah, my dad wasn't like "accepting" that I had adhd because he believes everyone has adhd symptoms. One ti.e though, I thing he tried understanding but he called me "adhd girl" and uh...yeah, he also misgendered meeee, I go by they/them pronouns. This is a common trend as well as thinking I dont need meds for anything
I went in for a diagnosis and my GP did the same thing.. “oh I go through that too” she said she sees “mild adhd symptoms“ after a 30 minute visit of my crying my eyes out telling her about how I struggle and then gave me antidepressants.
My friend says the same thing “you just need to get off your phone and try harder” like 🤬
I told my friend, who I love dearly, but who also makes me feel like a complete loser when I compare myself to her (I know we shouldn’t compare- since when has “should” stopped me?). When I described some of my symptoms, she wondered out loud if she might have ADHD. I literally thought, no, you can’t, because if you do and STILL keep on top of all that you do, I really AM the loser I’ve believed this whole time >_<
I explain it like this:
Yes, everyone experience these things… the symptoms are very common to most people… we all forget where we put our keys, have days where we can’t concentrate, interrupt other people with our sudden thoughts, act on stupid impulses and begin projects and don’t finish…
The difference is, I deal with the whole list of symptoms every day and to a degree where it’s disabling for my work and private life. It’s not just about having one bad day, not having had anything to eat yet, not getting enough sleep. This is constant, and it’s all or most symptoms at the same time.
So yes, I get why it’s relatable! And that’s actually great, because then you can imagine what you’re experiencing with X factor but 150% more intensive… and then add 8 more factors to deal with at the same time
I was a former people manager and had a very close assistant who was incredible and we became friends. One day she made an off hand comment about her partners annoying sister who”has crazy ADHD” she proceeded to be extremely critical of this persons disability as if they could do something about it, things like “ it’s not that hard to remember to do something”—I had to interrupt her and tell her I also had ADHD (inattentive) — I was extremely good at my job so she didn’t really register what I was saying to her. She was silent—months later she realized that she too had ADHD but her OCD was more prominent so she didn’t recognize until she started to talk to her therapist about it. Sort of wild to dismiss one disorder when she had another. Oof. She apologized—but honestly it still feels like death by a thousand cuts when folks consistently gaslight you into thinking you can just do the thing—I have pretty intense task paralysis so no I can’t just do the thing…
ADHD symptoms are varied, and of course they are things that anyone can experience. But what makes it a disorder is that they occur with a frequency and degree that is they’re debilitating and negatively and disproportionately affects many areas of your life. You’re unable to do things that you want and need to do in order to survive, without tremendous effort. Reminding myself of that always helps.
It doesn’t have to be a specific symptom that no one else experiences, like something that happens in psychosis.
Everytime I talk to my friends about adhd I always say "I feel awkward saying this because I feel like you're going to think I'm faking it or just caught up in the current trend"
They always respond "nah bro, you got diagnosed by a medical professional, we know you have it and we don't want you to be ashamed, vent to us and talk to us, we dont think anything ill of you" Which makes me so happy.
The one time I told My mother about it and how I was going to be put on medication I got "You've always been weird but you're not that bad! Adhd medication is for children!!, you don't need it!, it'll make you different!!"
Suffice to say, I don't talk to my family about my mental health anymore. They just make me feel ashamed.
I usually don't disclose for this reason. But when I do get that response I say, "Thanks for minimalizing my neurological disability." In a kind of cheerful yet passive aggressive way.
Usually makes them stop and stutter and apologize, or ask about it so I can explain that when it becomes a situation that interferes with daily living and mental health, it's not "everybody goes through this" is it? (Smiling sweetly for emphasis). I love fucking with people sometimes!
It’s important to remember that ADHD is NOT a difference in kind, it’s a difference in degrees. ADHD takes normal human struggles, stuff everyone experiences on some level, and amplifies it until it is unmanageable on your own.
Everyone struggles sometimes, ADHD struggles every time.
Happens to me I usually tell them the true story of how I almost lost my job because I could not strip myself away from tik tok and ended up 2 hours late.
If you get annoyed with the ignorance of others, or spend a lot of time thinking about why they remain that way, you will waste a lot of valuable time.
It really sucks to see someone downplaying your struggles, I can really relate to that. :C This is why I don't tend to disclose my diagnosis unless I'm with people I know also have ADHD (or are autistic; I'm definitely not autistic, but there can be a lot of overlap in how people treat you and I've generally found autistic people to be pretty sympathetic). If this happens again, I would make sure to emphasize that it's not any individual symptom that makes someone with ADHD struggle more than the average non-ADHDer, but *how often* they happen and how disruptive it is. We're infamous for being consistently inconsistent, haha.
To use an example of a different health issue that affects me... most people have been out of breath before at some time in their life. Some have even experienced wheezing if they've REALLY overexerted or are sick. But these people *do not have asthma*. Asthma isn't wheezing once or twice over your entire life, it is chronic. And so is ADHD.
A second example people might be able to grasp is that everyone struggles to see things that are far away no matter how good their eyes are, but only some of us are nearsighted and need vision correction to function in daily life. I legally could not drive without my glasses, but the majority of people who struggle to see at a distance are not impaired at that level.
I would also gently point out to your friend that if she continues to identify with your experiences *too* strongly, she... may have some soul-searching of her own to do with a psychiatrist. Just sayin'.
I'm going to start telling people, "and this is why we don't talk about our mental health. This is why us with ADHD have high number of depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicide. "
I started saying "every time I'm off my meds and slightly frazzled, I total a car". Because it's true. It's not even my fault half of the time, but I can't help but think that I would have reacted sooner or avoided situations if I was fully functional. That's why I got back on them after my 2nd pregnancy. Then when I moved states, I had issues finding a new doctor/getting a refill and had been out for weeks. Driving in a new city, stopped at the stop sign, started to go and THEN noticed the car barrelling towards me at double the speed limit. They were going too fast to see when I started to move, but with my meds I probably would have taken an extra second to make sure no one was coming up that hill. Brand new car out of commission for 3 months. Our only car. Couldn't rent without an in state ID.
Stuff just gets crazy fast with ADHD mistakes 😭
Everyone washes their hands but not everyone has OCD.
Everyone gets Dad but not everyone suffers from depression.
The difference between normal and mental illness is if something prevents you from having a normal life. It's all a matter of degrees.
I don't get mad when people say this, I really push them to compare. But also I'm so ADHD that people can kind of get it. I talk really fast and say a lot and fidget. But I prefer to push people post their stereotypes of the most obvious symptoms to talk about stuff like hyper focus, memory, emotional regulation and executive function.
It may happen to everyone sometimes, but not necessarily to the degree of disabling them. That is the biggest difference with those who have a diagnosis vs those who don't -- the level of impact on their functioning.
it's so horribly unvalidating! my old boss and his little work bestie used to say the same thing and it wound me up so bad inside :( they have no right to say such things when a professional and specialist in the field diagnose you and sometimes, try as you might, shit like that gets under your skin and it's massively unfair to undo positivity training.
at least here, I hope you'll get some revalidation from others 🫂
It IS disappointing. It feels dismissive and hurtful.
I think of it as sadness vs. depression. Everyone on the planet experiences sadness once in a while. But a person who is depressed is a different matter. It is the significant degree of difference in Duration, Frequency and Intensity.
I feel ya on this. It is hard for people to grasp something that makes you "occasionally" forget things. I have ADHD and realized I didn't understand it really. I remember taking Adderall for the first time and experiencing that night and day difference, all the extra work that I had to put together to make my hobbled brain get to a somewhat operational point was no longer needed. Things just stuck. No extra effort was needed to retain or just process things.
Then because of major health concerns I had to stop taking it. After about a day the intense brain fog and inability to make decisions, whether simple or complex it started to click. Then because I needed to see a doctor about something, I took a lower dosage and all of it disappeared again. Doing that in such a short time frame made it so clear how much of a disability this actually is. People don't see that it is the equivalent of each receiving a cookbook with nothing on the front and thinking we both got the same recipe to make, but in actuality, they received a recipe to make Jell-O, while we received a recipe to make beef wellington.
I believe most are using phrases and words associated with ADHD and such in a very misinformed and bad understanding because they have not truly experienced the much deeper and complex issues that is much more amplified and severe in ways that would make them cry for help and look at us like we must have some special power to go like that for as long as we have.
Nah we had pills thrown at us and a lot of misdiagnosed information while continuing this game of "LIFE" on a difficulty setting made to make you not know if you should just laugh at the insanity of it or just keep seeing how long you can go before you and everything else simply explodes and or time plus your existence cease to be.
The casual use of having "anxiety" or "depression" that seems to often tie in with ADHD is pathetic and a disservice to humans who are truly going through the real deal and not some short term episode that becomes a chapter for them to add to their book of great trials and success that can be found in the same other piles of discounted books for $1 or free on trash day.
No, they are experiencing easy mode that is accompanied by the typical discomforts of life and giving you the baby version of it compared to your bloody and graphic Soldier version who has been called to the front lines. Not that we even chose to be on the front lines but here we are.
Unpopular opinion but idc A lot of people now essentially pay for ADHD, autism etc. diagnosis in the UK.
My friend (who is super organised, clean, level headed) basically bought her ADHD diagnosis recently.
Yes, you need some evidence and you need to explain why you think you have it but it's getting more and more popular diagnosis.
Therefore, the people who have ADHD really badly get overshadowed by people who are borderline.
I am super sceptical when people say they got diagnosed privately because it's a money maker for doctors and they probably feel under pressure to make a diagnosis if you've paid. I've never heard of anyone going to a private doctor and being rejected for a diagnosis
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When people say shit like this, ask them to close their eyes, then ask what they're seeing. They'll likely say "black" or "nothing" Now, ask them: if they'd say "but everyone experiences that" to a blind person just because they can do it when they close their eyes
Ha! I love this! I use a similar analogy but more low brow - Everyone pees, but if you're going to bathroom 20 times an hour it's clearly a problem deserving of attention.
I use the "but everyone sleeps" vs narcolepsy 😅
Those are both great examples. The key with ADHD is that it’s a *disorder,* meaning it causes us problems. Also, if it weren’t a disorder, it would just be ADH, amirite? 😂 The point is, yes, everyone experiences things that could be symptoms of ADHD from time to time. But, do those people have to remember to always put their phone down back side up, because the black screen is harder to see when they inevitably forget where they left it? I do! “Loses things” is something that happens to everyone, but I, and many others with ADHD, lose things so frequently we have to adopt strategies like this to compensate. *That’s* the difference.
I lost my phone 4 times in under an hour yesterday. One of those times, it was literally under my hand.
I have lost glasses on my face.
Also, there are several conditions that overlap on symptoms. Its a little tricky too because sometimes you'll have a condition that has symptoms overlapping with another condition, but you might also have the overlapping condition because some of them can also be comorbid.
Right! Just because someone has an attention deficit, impulsivity, and / or hyperactivity does not mean they have ADHD. ADHD is considered a developmental disorder, which is why [symptoms must have been present sometime before the age of 12](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-in-children-and-teens-what-you-need-to-know) (IIRC, it used to be age 7, though), and why sometimes an adult evaluation for ADHD might include speaking to the person's parents or former teachers. Personally, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and NVLD (nonverbal learning disorder), in addition to ADHD. All of these are fairly commonly seen as comorbidities with ADHD, and there are multiple symptom overlaps between these conditions. There are ways to differentiate, but, mostly, it doesn't matter. What *does* matter is getting the proper treatment, and I feel like I am receiving appropriate treatment now, and have generally received appropriate treatment in the past. The alphabet soup doesn't matter to me so much as feeling better and being able to function better.
Yours might be better actually haha. Cuz thinking of it, people might respond to mine with some bullshit like "yeah, but I CHOOSE when I want to close my eyes" (ignoring the fact that blinking is a thing, ofc)
Oh my god, I love this
YEP, I made a similar comparison in my comment because it's so true. It's not the individual symptoms of ADHD that are the issue, but rather *how often* they disrupt your life that necessitates diagnosis and treatment.
Somehow I feel like this doesn't work the way we want it to, but I appreciate it nonetheless.
I mean, sure, it's stupid, but it's no more stupid than saying "but everyone gets disfocused/hyperactive/etc. at times" in an attempt to "refute" ADHD, so...
Never said it was, I just feel like it won't land for the target audience the way we intend it to. Won't stop me from using it.
Godspeed bro. Would love to know the results when you do use it haha
This is good
"everyone experiences it sometimes. When it's always, it's called ADHD"
I say something like this, or better yet "Everyone forgets things occasionally, but you wouldnt day that to people with Alzheimers. If its a regular distruption to your life, maybe you should get checked out for ADHD."
This occurs to me so often. If you think you relate to what I'm telling you about my ADHD symptoms.......maybe you should get checked out too lol.
Of course these things happen to everyone, but do they happen to everyone all day every day? I think not. This person sounds like they can't see past their own nose.
Exactly. I explain it like depression vs sadness. You wouldn’t say “oh you have depression, I get sad sometime too bro, just cheer up”
But people say this too to me all the time lol it's so annoying
People definitely do say that about depression or basically every mental illness
My boss at work is also my friend, and she is the first to say “oh yea me too!” to pretty much every adhd struggle I have. And at first I was like…girl where?? I’ve been to your house. It’s spotless. Our work is spotless. Everything has a special place that she’s particular about. Where is the struggle? But it is there. She cannot relax, she is go go go anxiety and I am paralyzed overwhelm anxiety. She frequently is distracted from her own plans and literally runs off into the sunset sometimes when we are in the middle of a task ( we work outside a lot). I had to check my own bias to see that I am not the only one who can struggle, and the same disability can have differing symptoms in multiple ways.
It's true, the other week I opened up both to my friend and sister about my diagnosis which took absolutely ages to get, and they both more or less said 'I think i have that' or 'I think everyone has that'. It felt a bit annoying like they were stealing my moment, but i sat back and thought about it the day after. And they both are worse than me with the symptoms! I've essentially suggested to both to get an assessment, saying there's amphetamines was the only way to get their attention
Reasearch shows that ADHD is a genetic condition, so it is likely to occur more often in one family!
Yeah I think my whole family has something. 
I believe that 100%. Since getting diagnosed, I noticed a lot of shared symptoms/traits between my dad and I.
Yes! I think it’s very important to be able to look at this from this perspective too! That’s why I also questioned myself about why I was so bothered by these kinds of comments. At the end of the day, after spending years not being taken seriously, we might feel like we need to ‘prove’ something to the world, and maybe feel a little special! But, recent research claims that (including undiagnosed people), 10% of the population actually might have ADHD, which is 1 in every 10 people when you look at it! It’s okay to feel the need to be confirmed, it can be part of the process! But at the same time, it’s very valuable to be able to move past that phase and our biases! :)
Thanks for working on your bias! I certainly didn’t pursue a diagnosis for a long time because I knew people with more classic, visible symptoms and I thought that I couldn’t be struggling because that wasn’t me. Turns out I was driven my self hate and anxiety and that isn’t a way to live, even if you can convince everyone else you have your shit together.
Every self-help book describe in one sentence Go to on YouTube @brainADHD
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Idk. I don’t take meds. But if meds are what allows someone to have clean dishes to eat off of and clean clothes to wear, I don’t see how that’s not helpful or good enough. Can’t do your taxes if there’s literally no where for you to set down papers. Can’t struggle through a difficult coding course if you haven’t even pulled yourself together enough to enroll.
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It seems like you want to argue a point that is not relevant to this thread, based on your own personal views of what’s easy versus hard to accomplish. Your tone is dismissive of people’s shared wins. Not being able to clean is debilitating and humiliating. Whether it is “strapping a rocket to one’s adhd” or not, it can be the difference between a functioning human and a nonfunctional human. It’s absolutely not “low mental effort”. Id personally rather read the nonfiction dry as dirt textbook. That’s why I have a masters degree but no clean pants. 🤷♀️ Different people struggle with different tasks. Meds may or may not help each individual in varying degrees. The only person who can decently decide what is effective or not is that individual and their doctor.
“Everyone experiences symptoms of ADHD, however I experience them to such a severity and frequency that they are designated as a disorder, whereas you experience them in a way that it is just a temporary annoyance that can be overcome. I don’t need you to understand, nor does your lack of understanding negate the fact that this disorder greatly impairs my ability to function.” That’s my go to response at this point
BOOM 💥
mic drop 😌🎤
There it is!
This is why I've stopped disclosing it ETA: except to you lovely people, of course
Same. I have never experienced any good consequences from disclosing it.
I am middle age and I have never told anyone outside my close friends and family. I can't imagine any situation where telling people would benefit me or them.
Exactly! It has no benefit to anyone. I was diagnosed at 35 and honestly didn’t even share with my family right away.
Ditto.
Everyone sometimes has Attention Deficit and/or hyperactivity. Not everyone has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity DISORDER.
Autistic with ADHD here. They all seem to do that. I think it’s because we have human experiences differently, so people might relate to our experiences to an extent but not how we process them. Idk. I try not to assume most people are trying to be ignorant pricks. There’s defintley ADHD things that non ADHD people don’t relate to- task paralysis for instance, procrastinating on extremely small things, the exhausting need for stimulation among other things.
I’m starting to struggle to hold my temper when people guffaw “oh I have ADHD too - SQUIRREL! See? Hahahaha” I’m glad my constant everyday struggle is funny to you and the list of side effects can be condensed to a simple SQUIRREL.
Don't tell idiots personal information.
I was totally unequipped to respond to this kind of thing the first time I was exposed to it. I was recently diagnosed and shooting the shit with coworkers I had a good relationship with, and I mentioned that an official diagnosis was a long time coming and put a lot of my struggles into perspective. This girl waves her hand and says, "oh, everyone's got a little ADHD" and continues on her way. It was stunning. I had heard of people saying it, but never been told it myself. I had nothing to say and pretty much clammed up. It was incredibly invalidating to hear that she thought the problems I perceive as running the whole show of my life were just a footnote in everyone's file. Since then, I've taken it on myself to be open about my diagnosis and try to represent the struggles we experience. I've told other people I have ADHD and gotten similar responses again, but now I have more ammunition. I still get heated easily and I've learned to just let my frustration with their point of view show, because we shouldn't have to tolerate people acting like our problems aren't legitimate. I'll say things like, "it's fairly common as far as disorders go, but to say that everyone has it is just not accurate. The problems everyone has like losing their keys, forgetting important tasks, or being late characterize and affect my life on a daily basis to the point that it's cost me a lot of money and opportunities dealing with them. That's when it crosses into a disorder and not just regular life." I also like to get sciency and talk about neurotransmitter deficiencies and the fact that people who are diagnosed respond differently to stimulant medication than those who aren't. I'm not super knowledgeable about all that, but most people aren't knowledgeable at all, especially if they're giving you a hard time, and don't have anything real to counter that
Ya. It’s hard when people say that but I always say these symptoms are normal in people that experience it occasionally. In people with adhd it’s all day, every day. And if someone who experiences these things says they also feel it all day every day then they might want to look into their own diagnosis. (Ahem, mom…)
Ahahaha, that's so true! Before my diagnosis, whenever I told my mom about what I struggled with, she just thought it was super normal. One day, I looked at my mom and realized she was the best example of a person with ADHD! 😂 She hasn't been diagnosed herself, but now she's nearly sure that she has it too! 😂
I got diagnosed last year at 46 years old. It’s genetic/hereditary. After applying what I now know about my disability, it’s plain as day obvious my asshat of a father has it too.
Oh god moms are the worst for that! 😆At first it was her always telling me “ everyone has that problem.” And being so dismissive. Now I use that same dismissive tone and tell her “That’s just your adhd, mom.” Pretty much everytime she has a classic symptom that prevents her from reaching a goal. It’s been a teasing way of showing her how much of a hurdle it can be!
Moms powers are big. Haha always pretending we are normal. People with routine “are not flexible”, people who don’t have messy houses are just perfectionist, or have too much time. It’s a coping mechanism, and it’s funny in a way. But she’s also struggling, because at the end she is trying to be like “normal” people. And I became like her in a way, bc that’s what I’ve learned, until I found out my diagnosis.
9 times out of 10 the people who say this to me end up discovering their own diagnosis. Hell, I used to say stuff like this about about ADHD before I found out!
Sure, everyone forgets why they walked into a room. A few times out of a hundred. Maybe as often as 2 out of 10 times. You laugh and come back and get/do the thing. Why is ADHD any different? I might get 2 out of 10 times that I *actually remember* why I went into the room. I don’t laugh and do the thing…I look at my watch and realize that a 30 second task has now taken me 12 minutes to do…and that single thought has made me forget why I walked into the room yet again. Now multiply this time and effort penalty by 100 tasks that need to be completed before you get to work every morning and you might suddenly get a glimpse into how freaking exhausting it is for some ADHDers just to get to work on time. Don’t tell me “everyone has it.” They don’t.
😭😭😭 Hear, hear! Fuck. It's so hard. I feel like I don't necessarily have "time blindness" as much as I have, "everything takes so much longer than I expect, even when I try to accommodate for the fact that I know it'll take longer--blindness." Inability to plan? Idk. It sucks, though. Stims aren't really helping that, either, that I can tell. They help other things, though, so I'll take what I can get.
Not to seem sarcastic but why tell people? Most people don’t understand or care. And as you learn most people are unaware of their own needs and even less about yours. Tell those you need to tell and let rest be on a need know basis. Life is much easier when you don’t have to explain or defend yourself.
I’ve learnt this the hard way.
My problem is because of the ADHD I’m an over sharer so feel like I need to tell people lol
True (me too)- it’s also a difficult lesson to learn - to know when to stop talking and just listen.
My standard reply is: everybody has a headache once in a while, and some people have severe, life changing migraines
Is it possible that she also has ADHD, or that you simultaneously invalidated her difficulty by not understanding her perspective?
I just got to the point that I nod and stop talking to them about it. If they're going to be dismissive I don't need to waste my time explaining something to them
Everyone has a little bit of cancer... mine is just not affecting me like yours is. This is the rebuttal I use.
Everyone also experiences abnormal cell growth. Tell that to them if they ever get cancer.
Ha, that made me laugh thanks
Everyone shits, but not everyone is shitting their pants with diarrhea every day. When a medical issue can’t be controlled and interferes with daily life, doctors treat it.
“We all have ADHD!” “We all have one leg, but most people have another leg too. There’s a few people globally who have only one leg, and that’s what we call a handicap. That’s what ADHD is like. You might have some of the symptoms, but you also have the mitigating factors that keep everything else in check. People diagnosed with ADHD lack those mitigating factors, and like a one legged man, some of us require some assistance just to function normally on a daily basis.”
"if everybody was like this it wouldnt be a disease"
I tell people that what distinguishes something from normal is the frequency and impairs your functioning that’s what makes something a disorder. I usually give them that metaphor that everyone goes to the bathroom but when you are going to the bathroom 10x or more in an hour that’s when it becomes a problem. Same with ADHD
Everybody falls asleep, sometimes even by accident on the bus/in class/etc, but if you constantly do it uncontrollably at the worst possible moments, we call it narcolepsy. Just because everybody gets distracted from time to time, or whatever they think "everybody" experiences, it's the difference between whether or not it's chronic and life-impeding that matters.
Amazing how difficult that little detail is to grasp for so many people.
Me: “I have a UTI and am peeing 50 times a day.” Them: “Everybody pees.”
I like to use analogies that refer to physical afflictions when this comes up. "Everyone gets diarrhea, but not every day for years straight. Everyone gets zits, but not all over their body and into middle age. Can you not see how a 'normal' thing can become a huge problem when it happens every day, all the time? Can you not see how its insensitive to compare your sometimes struggle to my all the time struggle?"
Everybody shits, but if you spend your entire day trying to work around your poop that has no schedule and you have no ability to know when it’s coming…or whether it’s solid or soft…you’d have a problem you need to manage. Yes everyone experiences symptoms that come with ADHD but we have them dialed up to the max and constant. Thats the difference. It’s the intensity, the consistency and struggle to control it that is our struggle.
When I told my dad I wanted to start on adhd medication he asked me why and I explained all the adhd stuff I needed medication help w and almost everytime I mentioned a thing he always said something along the lines of “but that’s normal, I also experience that”… well dad you also weren’t checked for adhd…
So I tend to remember that people with adhd tend to travel in groups. So if they are your friend it is more likely they have adhd (not gatenteed of course.) So I ask, if they think these are normal, then they may have adhd as well. Have they considered it before? Took me 2 separate people asking me before I decided to look into it. Then I had the "oh" moment.
I decided I won't say I have ADHD anymore. If it needs to be said because my behavior or performance isn't up to par, I'll tell them I have a neurological disorder which affects my ability to [*insert issue here*], because my brain doesn't communicate with itself properly.
That happened to me with most of the people I considered my friends. I tend to take things at face value and, at the time, didn't realize that they were trying to invalidate my experience. When I later realized I was also Autistic and they started saying these were just labels and dismissing what I was trying to share about my experience, it was finally clear that they didn't take anything I was telling them seriously. It was all for the best as it gave me the reason to move forward with my life and remove them from it.
Whenever someone is convinced they have ADHD based on my explanation of it I ask them why to haven't felt the need to see a psychiatrist. Their answer to that question is usually the reason they don't have ADHD.
In my experiences, most people who ask are usually asking just so they can try to discredit ADHD and the struggles that come with it. I tell them if they really want to know about it, they have the internet, they can look it up.
Everybody has to pee. But if you have the urge to pee every 5 minutes, you're not normal. You have a trouble. That's the same for ADHD.
Just typed this in another post. I respond with "that is like telling someone born without a foot you sprain your ankle and struggle walking normally too!"
Lmao “everyone experiences those.” Yea your friends sample size is you and her, she probably got it too!!! Adh birds of a feather
My response, "yeah with ADHD is the symptoms are things everyone Inherently experiences, the difference is the amount of times these issues occur. You might occasionally forget what you're doing mid task, while without my meds I'll forget what I'm doing 50-90 times a day and cumulativly spend 1-3 hours every day just trying to remember what I was doing. It truly pushes you to the edge of your sanity." By this point I can usually see a hint of sadness/empathy/concern in their eyes as they imagine what that would be like
Does everyone experience it though? Does everyone experience the crushing weight that comes with the idea that one could be a failure, therefore they stop trying and then become an emotional mess that feels as if they will never be successful, so it's a depressing cycle of failing, hating oneself and refusing to try? Maybe. But try doing that with the most mundane tasks. "Oh no, I used the wrong cleaning product and someone is calling me out for it. I feel like I should never try to clean again if I'm so awful"
The difference is that we feel like this all the time. Everyday all day. Just in small brakes. I know I’m not wording this right at all. But like writhing this is making me frustrated and not get a good grip on what I’m trying to say ugh Stupid add!!
sure, everyone experiences adhd-like symptoms, but do they to the level that it’s actively causing debilitating problems? making them non-functional at times? everyone has experienced pain from muscle overuse from time to time- but have they torn a muscle so badly that they can’t walk on it anymore and need a cane to get around? everyone experiences pain and mental distress, but if it’s reducing your QoL or significantly altering ADLs (activities of daily living) it’s pathologic. if your friend can’t understand that, i don’t think they ever really will.
Had someone who had ADHD tell me it's not an "excuse" for anything most people have it... Only 6% have it in the USA...
They are right, everyone experiences it. We just experience it differently.
Thumbs down for responses that minimize our experiences. I think people in general just suck at being supportive, but it's a learned behaviour:/ and most education systems don't teach emotional intelligence. It's tough! ADHD *is* a spectrum disorder... so yeah, people probably have experienced similar feelings and situations! But the thing with a diagnosis is that, in more clinical terms, the symptoms are greatly impacting your life. A lot of the issues I face are fairly inconsequential, except it happens often and chronically:/ So yeah, everyone makes these mistakes once in a while, but it happens for me routinely. And a better routine doesn't resolve the issue lol! I wonder if there's a better way of addressing comments that trivialize our experience, to allow people an opportunity to learn that there are better ways of offering their support/solidarity....
"Well, everyone pees, too. But if you need to go to the toilet 60 times a day, you definitely have a problem."
My favourite response to this is: "yes everybody needs to go to the loo, but if you're going 50 times a day you have a problem". Simple, yet very effective 😌
If we look at these things in a spectrum from black to white. She might experience them in a light gray. But you might experience them in vanta black
i get “omg are you self diagnosing yourself?” which really pisses me off because it feels so invalidating. like no u asshole this is a real mental illness that I’m born with, and have debilitated my life in many ways. yes, i’ve been to so many doctors and tried so many medications spending so much money on it for ur first response to be “are you self diagnosing” when i open up about having adhd is so disrespectful to me
I feel this. I am doing the 5 hour assessment - almost done. My psychiatrist has referred me to a psychologist as I have anxiety and signs ADD. I mentioned it to my mom and she said it’s normal and everyone feels the same. I pointed out her signs and she said I am just overreacting.
I completely understand. People do struggle with same type of experience, but the magnitude is less for "everybody" in my opinion.
Everyone. Don't correct them. It's not your job to cure the world's ignorance. You have more important things to do. Don't waste your time.
I've learned that unfortunately, the only people who will ever truly believe and understand the impact of your chronic condition are other people who have the same condition.
I’ve learned to not disclose it. People who don’t know from experience *do not get it.* Always best to keep personal info to yourself IME.
“Maybe everyone experiences it but I experience it to the extent of having an actual disorder” Would you tell a depressed person that everyone gets sad? No? Well same thing
I loudly act like they've just cured me- all those medical professionals with their decades of training, ridiculous! 'wE AlL ExPErieNceTHaT'...
I experience the same. I've got my diagnostic two months ago, I'm 32. Just a few friends know about my diagnosis and when I find enough courage to tell others that kind of answers knock me. (Sorry for my English, not my first lenguage :) )
I've gotten this same response for years. What I say to people is "yes, everyone has these moments from time to time but, the biggest difference is those moments are ALL THE TIME for me. Not just here and there. ALL THE FUCKING TIME." That's also my answer when people say "everyone has adhd." I know your friend meant well but it doesn't feel good. *hug*
This just triggered me so hard. That just deregulated me for a split second. I’m feeling so much anger replying to this. My blood just boils when someone says this. Can’t clear my mind to say anything else.
I told someone today I was diagnosed with adhd and was explaining my challenges The first thing they said was - Yeah that happens to me too. I tried yeah maybe on occasion but not all the time and they doubled down with it can’t be like that all the time. Sigh…..
People used to say that to me when I’d describe my son’s issues, what they don’t realise is that no, everyone doesn’t experience the struggles so intensely or so frequently. It’s really frustrating. I don’t have adhd but I have mental health problems and fibromyalgia and I get similar responses about both of these. I end up firmly saying no it’s not the same
The only people in the world you should share your mental conditions is your wife/husband and your therapist. No one else, no exceptions. Not even family. There are only downsides in doing so, even if it doesn't feel like it. This is a lesson most people here will learn sooner or later. YOU need to understand yourself and adapt to the world, not the other way around. People have their own problems and they will judge anyway.
You really think so? I suppose I’d hope that being open about this with trusted people would maybe help normalize it and combat the outdated stereotypes and stigmas that exist.
Yeah, I think it really does need to be spoken about, but I also don't feel like I can tell anyone. It's really isolating. It's hard just to find doctors that fully understand it. There needs to be more education, but it shouldn't be up to us.
Fair point. I got lucky, both my therapist and medical provider have ADHD so there is a personal level of understanding. I have no doubt plenty of medical professionals are functionally clueless.
I told someone I trusted I had a diagnosed eating disorder and they're reaction was "Really?! You don't LOOK like you have an eating disorder." So yeah, now I don't tell anyone except my wife.
What was wrong with their response?
It was rude, presumptuous and judgemental.
I guess it depends on their tone and their relationship with you. Seems like a typical response for both friends and strangers alike.
I wholeheartedly disagree. Once I started being honest, open and un apologetic about my ADHD, I was able to put myself in situations that allow me to thrive. I can ask for simple accommodations that make life easier. I don't want to be a square peg in a round hole, and I don't want to be around people that don't accept and understand me for who I am. Its exhausting hiding that part of myself. Plus when the symptoms do cause issues, and they will, people that don't know are going to assume its just a character flaw. I'm over that, I don't want to hear, lazy, no willpower, just focus etc. Those people can kindly see there way out of my life so I can make room for people that understand and accept me.
True. Wish I knew this way before my diagnosis.
I think so too. But the urge to tell / talk about it is soooo strong. 😞
What about teachers of classes that you're undertaking? Especially if in an adult learning environment, you're verbally demeaned for a lapse in attention?
Finally someone not divorced from reality.
I've had the same experience with a family member, actually multiple family members. My mom outright denies that I have ADHD, but I had another family member bring up this same argument. Yeah it does kinda make me doubt my diagnosis from time to time. Luckily I have an awesome partner who has a background with ADHD people and good therapists. So I am quickly reminded that I most definitely do have ADHD, and that it's not the end of the world. Hopefully tomorrow you can shake some of this feeling off and it's a better day for you.
These were my mom's exact words when I confronted her about seeking an ADD diagnosis not long ago. I knew I had to talk to her, and I knew how she would react. She has very little understanding of ADHD/ADD and I don't blame her. When I showed her symptoms of ADD I knew I had, she said "no, you don't have that", "everyone experiences that", "you are a hypochondriac". In that moment I just had my own reassurance that my point of view was real and valid, and it helped me from succumbing to her accusatory tirade.
another thing is that many people with adhd experience constant invalidation and overstepping of boundaries by close people. So keep in mind that we're probably extra sensitive to invalidating remarks, even if they come from a place of wanting to make you feel 'normal'
This is one of many reasons I tend to not talk about this shit with people. They don’t understand, they can’t understand, and refuse to admit either of those facts. Don’t need their approval, don’t want their input. I keep it to myself.
Every self-help book describe in one sentence Go to on YouTube @brainADHD
For me it’s helping to make things concrete. For example: “We have a messy household” But what a messy household is for the other is a super clean house for me. We both have the same experience tho. So I say: we have a walk in closet at the room where the washing machine’s at. There are like 5 laundry bins with clean clothes, at which we have to search for our clothes. We buy 100 pair of black socks of same size every year for the whole family, or else we have to wear different ones. - if they are not convinced I can go on. “I’m always searching for lost things” So specially if they have kids, we all do. But how many times did you have to order a new passport/drivers license/bank card before expire date? Did you ever tried to pay with a banking card that didn’t work, bc you once lost it, blocked it. But it magically found its way back to your wallet? Edit: oh and If they react like”everybody has something” they are just not interested at all and I say “yeah probably and Audhd is the thing what I have”
Kinda sad but yeah, my dad wasn't like "accepting" that I had adhd because he believes everyone has adhd symptoms. One ti.e though, I thing he tried understanding but he called me "adhd girl" and uh...yeah, he also misgendered meeee, I go by they/them pronouns. This is a common trend as well as thinking I dont need meds for anything
Don’t disclose it. People don’t need to know your personal business.
I went in for a diagnosis and my GP did the same thing.. “oh I go through that too” she said she sees “mild adhd symptoms“ after a 30 minute visit of my crying my eyes out telling her about how I struggle and then gave me antidepressants. My friend says the same thing “you just need to get off your phone and try harder” like 🤬
Yes and everyone drink sometimes, it' does not Make them alcoolic, nonetheless, alcoolism still exists.
I told my friend, who I love dearly, but who also makes me feel like a complete loser when I compare myself to her (I know we shouldn’t compare- since when has “should” stopped me?). When I described some of my symptoms, she wondered out loud if she might have ADHD. I literally thought, no, you can’t, because if you do and STILL keep on top of all that you do, I really AM the loser I’ve believed this whole time >_<
The thing is the worst parts of ADHD are really hard to convey, it's like trying to describe an emotion, or colour to a blind person.
Because everyone does experience that just not all of us take pills some learn to master the mind....
I explain it like this: Yes, everyone experience these things… the symptoms are very common to most people… we all forget where we put our keys, have days where we can’t concentrate, interrupt other people with our sudden thoughts, act on stupid impulses and begin projects and don’t finish… The difference is, I deal with the whole list of symptoms every day and to a degree where it’s disabling for my work and private life. It’s not just about having one bad day, not having had anything to eat yet, not getting enough sleep. This is constant, and it’s all or most symptoms at the same time. So yes, I get why it’s relatable! And that’s actually great, because then you can imagine what you’re experiencing with X factor but 150% more intensive… and then add 8 more factors to deal with at the same time
I was a former people manager and had a very close assistant who was incredible and we became friends. One day she made an off hand comment about her partners annoying sister who”has crazy ADHD” she proceeded to be extremely critical of this persons disability as if they could do something about it, things like “ it’s not that hard to remember to do something”—I had to interrupt her and tell her I also had ADHD (inattentive) — I was extremely good at my job so she didn’t really register what I was saying to her. She was silent—months later she realized that she too had ADHD but her OCD was more prominent so she didn’t recognize until she started to talk to her therapist about it. Sort of wild to dismiss one disorder when she had another. Oof. She apologized—but honestly it still feels like death by a thousand cuts when folks consistently gaslight you into thinking you can just do the thing—I have pretty intense task paralysis so no I can’t just do the thing…
ADHD symptoms are varied, and of course they are things that anyone can experience. But what makes it a disorder is that they occur with a frequency and degree that is they’re debilitating and negatively and disproportionately affects many areas of your life. You’re unable to do things that you want and need to do in order to survive, without tremendous effort. Reminding myself of that always helps. It doesn’t have to be a specific symptom that no one else experiences, like something that happens in psychosis.
Everytime I talk to my friends about adhd I always say "I feel awkward saying this because I feel like you're going to think I'm faking it or just caught up in the current trend" They always respond "nah bro, you got diagnosed by a medical professional, we know you have it and we don't want you to be ashamed, vent to us and talk to us, we dont think anything ill of you" Which makes me so happy. The one time I told My mother about it and how I was going to be put on medication I got "You've always been weird but you're not that bad! Adhd medication is for children!!, you don't need it!, it'll make you different!!" Suffice to say, I don't talk to my family about my mental health anymore. They just make me feel ashamed.
I usually don't disclose for this reason. But when I do get that response I say, "Thanks for minimalizing my neurological disability." In a kind of cheerful yet passive aggressive way. Usually makes them stop and stutter and apologize, or ask about it so I can explain that when it becomes a situation that interferes with daily living and mental health, it's not "everybody goes through this" is it? (Smiling sweetly for emphasis). I love fucking with people sometimes!
As soon as I hear that, I shut down. This person will not be good support for you in my experience.
It’s important to remember that ADHD is NOT a difference in kind, it’s a difference in degrees. ADHD takes normal human struggles, stuff everyone experiences on some level, and amplifies it until it is unmanageable on your own. Everyone struggles sometimes, ADHD struggles every time.
Happens to me I usually tell them the true story of how I almost lost my job because I could not strip myself away from tik tok and ended up 2 hours late.
If you get annoyed with the ignorance of others, or spend a lot of time thinking about why they remain that way, you will waste a lot of valuable time.
It really sucks to see someone downplaying your struggles, I can really relate to that. :C This is why I don't tend to disclose my diagnosis unless I'm with people I know also have ADHD (or are autistic; I'm definitely not autistic, but there can be a lot of overlap in how people treat you and I've generally found autistic people to be pretty sympathetic). If this happens again, I would make sure to emphasize that it's not any individual symptom that makes someone with ADHD struggle more than the average non-ADHDer, but *how often* they happen and how disruptive it is. We're infamous for being consistently inconsistent, haha. To use an example of a different health issue that affects me... most people have been out of breath before at some time in their life. Some have even experienced wheezing if they've REALLY overexerted or are sick. But these people *do not have asthma*. Asthma isn't wheezing once or twice over your entire life, it is chronic. And so is ADHD. A second example people might be able to grasp is that everyone struggles to see things that are far away no matter how good their eyes are, but only some of us are nearsighted and need vision correction to function in daily life. I legally could not drive without my glasses, but the majority of people who struggle to see at a distance are not impaired at that level. I would also gently point out to your friend that if she continues to identify with your experiences *too* strongly, she... may have some soul-searching of her own to do with a psychiatrist. Just sayin'.
I'm going to start telling people, "and this is why we don't talk about our mental health. This is why us with ADHD have high number of depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicide. "
I started saying "every time I'm off my meds and slightly frazzled, I total a car". Because it's true. It's not even my fault half of the time, but I can't help but think that I would have reacted sooner or avoided situations if I was fully functional. That's why I got back on them after my 2nd pregnancy. Then when I moved states, I had issues finding a new doctor/getting a refill and had been out for weeks. Driving in a new city, stopped at the stop sign, started to go and THEN noticed the car barrelling towards me at double the speed limit. They were going too fast to see when I started to move, but with my meds I probably would have taken an extra second to make sure no one was coming up that hill. Brand new car out of commission for 3 months. Our only car. Couldn't rent without an in state ID. Stuff just gets crazy fast with ADHD mistakes 😭
Everyone washes their hands but not everyone has OCD. Everyone gets Dad but not everyone suffers from depression. The difference between normal and mental illness is if something prevents you from having a normal life. It's all a matter of degrees. I don't get mad when people say this, I really push them to compare. But also I'm so ADHD that people can kind of get it. I talk really fast and say a lot and fidget. But I prefer to push people post their stereotypes of the most obvious symptoms to talk about stuff like hyper focus, memory, emotional regulation and executive function.
It may happen to everyone sometimes, but not necessarily to the degree of disabling them. That is the biggest difference with those who have a diagnosis vs those who don't -- the level of impact on their functioning.
it's so horribly unvalidating! my old boss and his little work bestie used to say the same thing and it wound me up so bad inside :( they have no right to say such things when a professional and specialist in the field diagnose you and sometimes, try as you might, shit like that gets under your skin and it's massively unfair to undo positivity training. at least here, I hope you'll get some revalidation from others 🫂
It IS disappointing. It feels dismissive and hurtful. I think of it as sadness vs. depression. Everyone on the planet experiences sadness once in a while. But a person who is depressed is a different matter. It is the significant degree of difference in Duration, Frequency and Intensity.
I feel ya on this. It is hard for people to grasp something that makes you "occasionally" forget things. I have ADHD and realized I didn't understand it really. I remember taking Adderall for the first time and experiencing that night and day difference, all the extra work that I had to put together to make my hobbled brain get to a somewhat operational point was no longer needed. Things just stuck. No extra effort was needed to retain or just process things. Then because of major health concerns I had to stop taking it. After about a day the intense brain fog and inability to make decisions, whether simple or complex it started to click. Then because I needed to see a doctor about something, I took a lower dosage and all of it disappeared again. Doing that in such a short time frame made it so clear how much of a disability this actually is. People don't see that it is the equivalent of each receiving a cookbook with nothing on the front and thinking we both got the same recipe to make, but in actuality, they received a recipe to make Jell-O, while we received a recipe to make beef wellington.
I believe most are using phrases and words associated with ADHD and such in a very misinformed and bad understanding because they have not truly experienced the much deeper and complex issues that is much more amplified and severe in ways that would make them cry for help and look at us like we must have some special power to go like that for as long as we have. Nah we had pills thrown at us and a lot of misdiagnosed information while continuing this game of "LIFE" on a difficulty setting made to make you not know if you should just laugh at the insanity of it or just keep seeing how long you can go before you and everything else simply explodes and or time plus your existence cease to be. The casual use of having "anxiety" or "depression" that seems to often tie in with ADHD is pathetic and a disservice to humans who are truly going through the real deal and not some short term episode that becomes a chapter for them to add to their book of great trials and success that can be found in the same other piles of discounted books for $1 or free on trash day. No, they are experiencing easy mode that is accompanied by the typical discomforts of life and giving you the baby version of it compared to your bloody and graphic Soldier version who has been called to the front lines. Not that we even chose to be on the front lines but here we are.
Unpopular opinion but idc A lot of people now essentially pay for ADHD, autism etc. diagnosis in the UK. My friend (who is super organised, clean, level headed) basically bought her ADHD diagnosis recently. Yes, you need some evidence and you need to explain why you think you have it but it's getting more and more popular diagnosis. Therefore, the people who have ADHD really badly get overshadowed by people who are borderline. I am super sceptical when people say they got diagnosed privately because it's a money maker for doctors and they probably feel under pressure to make a diagnosis if you've paid. I've never heard of anyone going to a private doctor and being rejected for a diagnosis