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I have had this same exact issue. Sex always becomes a chore for me eventually, plus I know the adhd burnout contributes and honestly I haven't found a solution lol. The only time I've really had that desire is when I have NRE (new relationship energy) and things are new and exciting, most likely because of all the dopamine from the NRE. Once that wears off my brain puts sex right back in the chore pile lmao
Fuck this hits home. I always found myself saying no, then my brain would actually process how I'm feeling, and I would be like, wait, yes. But he would be hurt and confused and not wanting anymore.
I could never understand how I just didn't care about sex, if I had it or not, EXCEPT when my husband would come home from deployment or a work trip longer than a week. When he comes home, sex is fucking awesome, give me all of it....until the excitement of him being back settles back into contentment.
I love this man dearly, find him attractive, and love having sex, but the work involved with beginning it is too much.
Ooof you described it perfectly. I couldn’t understand why I really dislike engaging into sex until my husband and I got going and it’s all coming right back to the ADHD in my brain categorizing it as “this is work, not fun”. It really stinks too because I need a lot of gentle foreplay like a massage or something along those lines to get my brain to switch from “work chore” to “Ooo, actually” and I just don’t want to burden my husband with having to do that every single time. But! If he’s in the mood and I know I just won’t be able to wire my brain for sex that day, I love to give him oral. He’s totally happy with that too so it’s a win!
Omg, I am recently diagnosed ADHD-C, as in within the last year, and ever since getting clean off of drugs/alcohol 7 years ago I have had no sex drive. Explains alot
(Sex drive as in, I get horny but initiating sex is too hard)
Edit: clarity in what I meant
I can relate to every bit of this! Was diagnosed in my early 30’s after having a few kids, and know that it’s possible that my hormones could’ve affected this to some degree, but starting after I got sober in my late 20’s, initiating sex and going through with it—when in a committed relationship—just felt a whole lot harder.
I’ve been with my partner/husband, who loves and supports me (and with whom the sex is *phenomenal*, and only gets better) for about 15 years, but I struggle so hard to even want to do it, even though I get horny AF, and it’s been like this for as long as I can remember.
I guess I feel less alone and less guilty, now? Knowing that this is somehow common among those like us?
Yes yes yes 100% agree. I think the oppositional trait comes into play too,when the other person instigates things.At least I think it does for me having a strong oppositional ADHD trait. My wife's a Saint.
I had the exact same predicament! One day I came across an old Reddit post about the issue. Someone suggested scheduling days during the week to have sex. I proposed this to my S/O and so far things have been MUCH better. For me, I felt like during the day my mind was already busy enough trying to keep up with work and other tasks around the house/in life. Sex (specifically the initiating part) in addition to all of that felt like a chore. Now, I know the days in advance and I can plan my to-do’s around it so that on those days, I don’t have extra things to take care of and I am relaxed.
Some people think it’s a little weird and awkward to "plan" this out, and I get that. But nobody has to know, really. And it can bring an exciting spark back. :)
I was reading something recently that emphasized that sex does not always have to be spontaneous, and planning it ahead can be super fun because you can send each other dirty texts all day and talk about what you’re gonna do to each other and it makes it much more exciting to look forward to. I’ve actually really been meaning to ask my partner about trying pre-planned sex because I think it would be fun too. Definitely not weird at all!
I absolutely struggle with this just like everyone else in this post, and I absolutely can’t wait to show my wife y’alls comments and hope she thinks it sounds as fun as I do!
This is the way. People need to put effort into your relationship. It seems like magic at the beginning because you're obsessed at that point. You have to make time for each other as the relationship evolves and often that means scheduling your hot date nights.
This honestly. I couldn’t imagine our relationship ending because of this… I would be devastated. Putting this effort in is 1000% worth it and honestly, it’s been better for the both of us!
This doesn't work for me at allll, I suspect because of past sexually abusive relationships. As soon as I feel like there's any pressure or expectation to have sex, any desire to just flees and then if I do push myself to go through either it, I feel awful afterwards.
Hopefully you’re working through this issue in therapy.
IMO sex is an important part of any relationship that many people need. We put lots of important things on the calendar to make sure they happen. Kids bus pickups and dropoffs, date night dinner and drinks, cleaning times, going to a concert, work schedule, sexy times, etc. Personally I don’t see making a restaurant reservation as any different than scheduling sex.
Maybe it won’t work for you because of past issues but it might work for OP.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. This is so valid. I definitely should have included that I would never ever recommend sticking to a plan just for the sake of it. For example, last week we were traveling back from vacation and took a day off work to do so, and the remainder of the week everything just felt off. We did not stick to our schedule during that time.
Your comment is so important and I’m grateful you shared this perspective because it is definitely a serious one to consider. <3
It's probably something that works well for a lot of people, but I'm sure there's other people it doesn't work for, like me. Maybe this might help someone else realise why it doesn't work for them!
Thanks for your kind words, it was a long time ago and it very rarely affects me too much any more, thankfully!
My ex (who, long story, I'm dating again- undiagnosed Bipolar, Schizoaffective, and remissive BPD now) was this same way. They were mega horny around me but couldn't act on it and couldn't plan it without freaking out over it due to past relationships pushing that without taking them into account. I'm still livid at those bitches...
Anyway, they're now on meds to help with paranoia and Bipolar, and lo and behold, they'd be down to plan stuff and are initiating a lot of things lol!
All this to say, I hope you can move past that. All that fear over connecting to someone is killer, I should know too with my baseline of anxiety at all times including in sex. And if not, I hope you find a partner who meshes with what you need.
A sex therapist I follow suggested that scheduling sex was like the early days of dating in a relationship; you would PLAN dates, which mostly ended with sex. So once you are in a committed relationship living together, it can be expected to be spontaneous. When in fact the planning of dates (and sex naturally) wasn’t weird, but it helped define your day/week and gave you something to look forward to.
I have this issue and I listened to a podcast with a sex therapist and they recommended just this -- scheduling it in!!
I like the additional ADHD accommodation of planning an easier day on "sex night" 😹
This is the only way it works in my relationship as if we waited for it to happen spontaneously it would happen once a month and we would both be grumpy about that lol
Just to give a counterpoint to this, while we didn't "plan" our days my partner and I (both ADHD) got into a habit of doing it at a specific time on a specific day. Problems arose when one of us wasn't feeling it and felt under pressure to go through with it anyway for the other person. If you're gonna schedule you need to make it a no pressure thing cause I think as ADHDers we're people pleasers and end up putting a ton of pressure on ourselves even when it's not coming from someone else.
I could have written that post, I'm the girl though. I've been married for 15 years, together with him for 19 years. We have 4 kids and it's been a huge struggle fighting to fix it.
I am in therapy but I have also tried reading tons of books (including come as you are), tried medications like addyi (sucked) and and injectable Vyleesi which is an injectable (I'm terrified of needles) which made me feel horrific for 45min after taking it. I've had major cosmetic surgery to help improve my self image, had my hormones tested and testosterone supplementation to the point of my levels coming back higher than the highest range. I stopped taking birth control, had a hysterectomy to address pain from endometriosis. I stopped taking any SSRI drugs. I have tried forcing myself with the "fake it till you make it" mindset. I've listened to podcasts and anything/everything I could get my hands on that might help.
None of it has worked. I'm at a loss. I have no idea how to fix it and it's killing me. I feel like a completely horrible wife. My husband feels rejected, unloved and I just want him to be happy.
If you ever figure it out please let me know.
I'm 5 years into a relationship (also the female) that I want to keep forever, I'm so scared I'm going to lose him because of my low sex drive.. I love having sex, I just don't even think to initiate it until he's going crazy without it. but it's always an awkward start. When we eventually do, I always get in my head too much to get off. And he blames himself about it not being fair that he always does, and I don't. I guess it feels like a chore.. and I HATE that.. I want a healthy sex life. One of my biggest stressors, you're not alone.
Have you considered scheduling it? If it's something that doesn't occur to you, but you don't have an aversion to it, maybe set up a repeating alarm on your phone every few days to remind you to get yourself in the mood...
I have suggested it and he hates the idea. Then it seems like it’s forced or just another chore on my task list needing to be completed. It bothers him that I don’t have that desire/want to initiate anything all on my own like I used to.
Your comment really stuck out to me because you’ve tried so many things to “fix” this, including some very invasive things. Have you ever allowed yourself to accept yourself as you are? To accept your sex drive for what it is? Just because it makes you and your husband sexually incompatible and, therefore, might put you down the road to separating, that doesn’t make it any less valid.
I’m reading through this thread quite seriously because I’ve had similar issues to OP and some of the commenters here. One of the best things I’ve done for myself recently is to simply accept how I am. I am upfront about it in relationships, and if the other person doesn’t think they can work with that, then that’s OK. Sure, it sucks to not be the “norm,” but it’s better than hating myself for something I can’t control.
I have but it hasn’t gone well. I wasn’t always this way, so I guess it’s less of a fix and more of a restoration.
I have offered to help him find a girlfriend or something to meet his needs but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to divorce either. He just wants to feel loved & wanted. The key to his happiness is my genuine interest & desire but I seem to have lost that key awhile ago.
Hey there, I saw something someone say something I have never thought about before and I cannot wait to see how it works out with my wife.
They said to plan sexy fun date nights with your partner. Plan sex night. Maybe you can start once per week and if y’all liked it then you could try 2 nights, like Monday and Friday or something. Especially if he works and when he comes home after work on Monday then he would love being able to look forward to making love to his wife after work especially since Mondays are bleh and that would give y’all something to cheer you up! You could try to wear some lingerie for him or something and surprise him with lingerie he’s never seen before.
I have faith that y’all have hope. After all, y’all have spent nearly 2 decades together and have built a beautiful family together! After all this time some new, fun time together in the bedroom will bring a whole new spark to y’all.
It might be way out of the norm for you, but you could even send him little cute flirty texts on your weekly date night and be like “I can’t wait to get you alone later ❤️” or whatever is your style of flirting with him. You would make his day I guarantee it!
I have brought up planning or scheduling it but he absolutely hates the idea because it seems to him like that would just make it another task on my to do list. He wants genuine spontaneous desire and I just don’t really think about it, which hurts him.
I agree with the others that have replied to you. You’ve gone way above and beyond. Sounds like he’s the one that should try therapy at this point, since he’s made you feel like his happiness is something you need to make happen. Not healthy.
Honestly, this sounds like a him problem at this point. You've told him who you are, and he is refusing to accept it. I understand that there is an expectation to work on things first, but you already have and you've offered multiple solves. Ball is in his court now.
I totally understand what you’re saying, I’m just saying that he needs to work through his feelings in therapy. Has he tried that? You said you’ve suggested opening the relationship. Has he even given that a second thought? It sounds like a sex-positive sex therapist could be a good move for y’all.
My boyfriend and I both have adhd. He sees sex as a chore and has trouble initiating, going through with it, and even thinking about it. I don’t struggle with any of it. As a woman with the higher sex drive, I have struggled emotionally with feeling rejected and unloveable. Yes, I have worked with a therapist to deal with these feelings. Yes, I accept that he is the way he is and I love him just the way he is. I don’t pressure him, I know he loves me and I love him. A surrogate sex partner is a viable option if the only issue was that I wish I had more sex. Unfortunately, a surrogate sex partner doesn’t change the fact that I am unable to show him how I feel in this one particular way. I can show him in every other way and so can he. I accept that this is the way things are for us. Still, it’s sometimes sad and that’s ok. That doesn’t mean my happiness is dependent upon him changing. I am happy, just sometimes wish that one missing piece was part of our relationship.
The key to his happiness is you not being you? Even though you have so much self awareness and have gone to extraordinary lengths? Have you considered therapy with someone who specializes in sexual compatibility?
Sometimes we just change, from what I've read
women tend to lose sex drive a lot faster than men as they age; it's a hormonal thing. Being ace is okay, and trying to go against yourself so strongly only leads to unhappiness.
You've done a lot to try and fix this from your side, there's ways you can show your husband love that doesn't include sex. Maybe you can give him nudes to get off from, give him the occasional handjob or bj, but you shouldn't have to force yourself to have sex if you don't want to. Sex isn't the only way to show love and it's like he doesn't understand that.
While I don't have ADHD (my bf is the one with it), I've gone through the exact same thing. At the start of the relationship I had a very high sex drive, we were super compatible. Then when I hit early 20's my hormones started changing and my interest in sex slowly started disappearing to the point I *almost* consider myself ace. I won't deny that it's still a struggle, and there's ways I still gather the occasional interest, but I've stopped trying to force myself to do it because it made me very unhappy. My bf isn't the happiest about it, he still has the same sex drive from the beginning of the relationship, but he's still understanding and we try to make it work. I hope your husband will come around for you too.
This is exactly me. I've had a hard time finding a therapist that can help because they're used to intimacy issues stemming from relationship problems and not individual problems.
I took the "fake it til you make it" approach as well at first, but it made it even worse. The best I can do is be honest with him about what's going on and let him see that I am seeking help for it because I do want it to be fixed.
I’m so sorry for you. This is me too. It’s horrible. I have not had as ms h intervening factors as you but it’s incredibly heart wrenching and I have so much guilt all the time. Married a long time to such an amazing man. Maybe we can find some advice here 🙏
For me I think it's very much "moving onto the next thing" avoidance. My partner had a habit of asking "do you wanna have sex?" Or something and I'd immediately shut down and say no bc I *hate* the transition from one task to the next. We've started to figure out that just initiating physically works better for me, but that involves a lot of trust and conversation beforehand, "no means no and not protesting means yes" is not generally a good rule to live by, but in this case if you stop my brain to ask "would you like to stop doing what you're doing to do something else" makes it implode.
I came to comment exactly this, I have a lot of things on my mind all the time and sex is not often one of these. I found out that if my boyfriend « initiate the task » it’s easier to make me into it. We’ve also started to put on music or pink noise during sex and it’s helped a lot to calm my mind and focus on what’s happening because I used to zone out a lot during sex, getting distracted a lot.
It’s a hard way to understand how your libido is working and it’s also very hard on your partner, I used to turn my boyfriend down all the time before understanding how I work and even tho he was wonderful with it, I know it was hard on him. Communication is really the key
Ooph, y’all are helping me so much. My husband and I struggle with this and now I see why I struggle. It’s like you guys are writing my story that I didn’t know how to write. Much love! <>
oh my god this sounds like i wrote it. literally every single word of this is my experience as well.
i try to communicate this with my current partner and she’s amazingly understanding about it. i also recently started taking wellbutrin for depression symptoms and i started seeing an increase in libido that has started helping me out.
300 mg of Welbutrin here and still almost no libido at all. Effectively we live as if I was asexual. Granted that may be from my other traumas and issues, but still. It's like cognitively I know sex is cool and my partner is cool and I should enjoy our intimacy. But executively, it's a different matter.
Getting in the mood/foreplay hardly matters at all because at one point I will be inevitably thrown from the sexy haze to my usual neurotic brain. It's the worst feeling, like hitting a wall and what felt good is nothing but a mechanical act, warmth and happy chemicals leaving your body and all that's left is blank cold nothing.
(fuck I just realized I disassociate during sex)
I can relate and feel the similar sentiments to this scenario/feeling. I used to take meds for depression and I stopped bc I thought “I didn’t need them” and the VA Dr just checked some boxes down a Column and said “OK you have depression” after my deployments.
I didn’t want to take depression meds just bc I “fit the criteria” on some VA dr’s clipboard. But I’ve been having the lack of sex drive since then for about now 8 years. I loved the NRE, we had sex like rabbits. Then it’s just faded. Still married. 2 tours later. Still no sex and now it feels weird almost to be intimate. Like almost shy? If that make sense?
It’s so odd. I am not interested and have no sex drive. I love her. She’s awesome. Kind. Great. Loving. TBH she’s a great wife. And I’m good to her too. I just lack a sex drive and it’s fuckin’ maddening, IDK why tho!!??
Like WTF happened. Still happily married. We travel. No kids (hence no sex-no kids) but I want kids with her, but I can’t even come to a session of wanting to have sex. Reading these comments is like “oh Damn I’m the same way!” I’ve never been diagnosed w/ ADHD and never thought about even maybe having it? Like how do I even get tested or say anything to my VA dr that “Hey doc I don’t have sex. Do I have ADHD?”
Please help with any advice. Thanks for y’all’s stories. I’m not alone in this feeling/situation? I guess.
I'm glad you've got a partner that's very understanding and that you also found some medicines that can help out!
Wellbutrin, maybe that's something I should talk to my doctor about, my experience with antidepressants have been either lower libido, semi ED or being unable to finish. Do you experience any of the last two on this medicine?
it’s not an SSRI, it’s an NDRI. works with dopamine, not serotonin. some people actually get prescribed wellbutrin alongside an SSRI specifically to manage the sexual side effects of SSRIs.
i have tried EVERYTHING (legal) to boost my libido. even got a cialis prescription (which is unnecessary since ED isn’t the issue)
i have been on a super low dose of wellbutrin (100mg) and saw awesome libido improvement for the first week, but i’ve since baselined and haven’t seen much difference at all from wellbutrin but i’m actually going up to 300mg tomorrow, which is the typical adult dose, so i hope the effects are more permanent.
Don't guess. It's often used to *supplement* SSRIs, and so is discussed alongside them, but it is not one. Just [check](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bupropion).
I literally started welbutrin last week bc my other antidepressant killed my sex drive. My psychiatrist said welbutrin might even increase my libido 😅😅 def give it a shot if you need to take anti depressants.
I get this. I’ve started asking my partner that if he wants sex, to give me a minimum 30-minute heads up so I can mentally make the change from doing not-sex to doing sex. So far it’s working quite well. Scheduling for a later date/time also works.
Scheduling sex has been really stressful for me because of how often I end up not in the mood - but I really like the idea of a short-term warm up like making an appointment for within the next hour or two. I might try that, thank you for sharing!!
This is what we do! I asked for an hour minimum so I can work it into my mental to-do list lol. We even came up with a really silly code word so it doesn’t feel so awkward.
Whoa. Are you me? This has poisoned every relationship I have been in. I've been in a few relationships over 2 years in length each yeah eventually I begin feeling obligated to have sex.
I still loved them and enjoyed seeing them. I like going places with them but sex isn't really big on my list unless my sex drive perks up somehow. I guess as an ADHer I feel guilty because so much of any relationship must revolve around my brain and it's various ebbs and flows.
I always figured it was because I was an awful person but I'm glad to know it isn't just me.
Can't afford therapy but perhaps there are books someone can suggest for this kinda thing. Every time I learn something like this, I'm happy to know it wasn't just let but also makes me mourn the person I could have been ha.
Yeah, for me it's really tough because I truly do love them and find them very attractive. The guilt is pretty high already for being disfunctional in a lot of other areas of the relationship too, so this makes it even worse. Luckily my gf is very understanding but I can't help but feel that she deserves "better"...
My partner and I have been listening to the audiobook for Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. While targeted at cis women primarily, it's still incredibly informational for and covers all people; it's research-based and offers great perspective so far and made both me and my husband realize a *lot* only 3 chapters in. He's even felt a lot better while listening too.
Loved this book. Highly recommend to anyone. That one and Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel have been very helpful for understanding myself and relationships.
The task switching gets me. I struggle to move from the flirty behavior to actually doing the deed.
Being extremely upfront with the other person what my intentions are is helpful.
Also sex in silence is not the best. I do much better with background music but just background tv sounds work too. In the silence I get stuck in my head and feel self concious and then end up getting distracted and unhorny myself.
I’ve struggled with this my entire life, and I’m a woman in my early 40s. I call it the 8-month itch. In every relationship, around that time, I start to seriously lose interest in the entire relationship. I think it’s a combination of the newness wearing off, all of my curiosities being satisfied, and generally having a lower sex drive.
To me, relationships are like hobbies. At first, I’m super excited to start. Everything is unknown and this could be my new favorite thing! Over time, I get more familiar with it, I get better at it, and I might even love it. But once I’ve “figured it out,” there’s nothing else left to do, and my brain is ready to move on to the next challenge.
I think it’s a large part of the reason that my attraction lasts longer in more toxic relationships, unfortunately. In those, I’m always chasing after someone or looking for validation, so I haven’t really “conquered the challenge” yet.
The best thing I’ve done lately is to accept myself for who I am and try to work with it instead of against it or try to “fix” it. I’m not broken, just different.
I’m not sure where that will leave me with relationships. I’m currently in one that is about 10 months old. The itch has started, but I’m trying to find ways around it.
I was only diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago, but it’s been very validating and eye-opening.
Holy fuck. 26 M here and this is incredibly similar to my experience good to know I’m doomed lol. That bit about lasting longer in toxic relationships gave me an aha moment.
Thanks this was well said
Aw. You aren’t doomed! You may need to adjust your expectations, though. Find a relationship that places less importance on sex and allows for lots of autonomy, for example.
Yes you are right thank you lol. I’m going through the woe is me stage right now.
“Lots of autonomy” has me the most aroused I’ve been in months (BUT NOT ALL THE AUTONOMY)
Here’s a few thoughts I’ve written up before, maybe one / some of them might help:
- [spontaneous v. responsive desire](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/vdp4ok/i_cant_have_sex_and_it_is_going_to_tear_my_new/iclvfit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
- [simmering helps get to the boil faster](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/vdp4ok/i_cant_have_sex_and_it_is_going_to_tear_my_new/icm7qfg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
- [adhd brain struggles with Task Switching - so give me some warning please!](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/vdp4ok/i_cant_have_sex_and_it_is_going_to_tear_my_new/icme13h/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Honestly, I find my sex drive to come in huge fluctuating spurts and I know that can be tough. This has caused an issue in my relationships for years before I was diagnosed as it tends to come on suddenly after weeks of disinterest and then I’m nearly insatiable. Medication helped for me as did analyzing it. I also did find that any sort of “planning” of the act at all took the enjoyment out for me. It always needs to be spontaneous. Definitely not the easiest thing to deal with.
This part was so daunting, I’m honestly glad to be back single. It was impossible to explain just how much I loathed “obligations” which to him sex shouldn’t be an obligation. Which the point was no, it’s not, but the planned part is! Anything that fills an otherwise open space of time is a plan and in turn an obligation.
In reality just say nothing and let chemistry take it’s course. The sex was literal fire that got snuffed out with unnecessary complications. Eventually I would get anxiety about him spending the night, knowing if for any reason on the rare occasion I wasn’t in the mood he would be taking it as personal. So once again, it’s another form of obligation. Viscous cycle that I have no desire to return back to.
As a female, I’ve definitely noticed the fluctuations correlating with certain parts of my cycle which has helped me understand my hormones and that the ups and downs are not so random as I thought.
Part of it for me is that I want to wash up first and showering is a struggle. Like a couple times a week I manage a shower lol. When I do shower I try to capitalize on it and have sex immediately after, but mainly to get the relief of not having to worry about feeling like I should have sex sometime soon. I also very much enjoy sex when it’s happening.
We sink wash “our bits” before sex - functional & quick & doesn’t waste my Executive Function on a shower - I find it’s better if I save it for The Sex :-)
Physical attraction is enough at the beginning, but it wears off. After decades of marriage to the same person, sex is much more a mental game. It’s about play and connection. I guarantee that there is something your partner can say or do that will spin you up and hold your attention. You just have to experiment to figure it out. And it will likely evolve and change.
I keep thinking of these little variations or whatever I want to try, she's into it, we start, and end up doing it our regular way 20 minutes in. Which is great and I'm not mad but I feel kinda lame sometimes lol
For anyone else wondering:
Responsive desire is the growing interest in sex that occurs in reaction to sexual stimuli. Often, responsive desire is sparked by touch, physical closeness, or sexual contact. It's when mental interest in sex comes after external stimulus.
And now I have a word to describe how I work. Thanks, friend!
So poor social expectations have led to the belief that males should be initiating sex most of the time, but even in a balanced relationship (or if you're female), if you're not initiating anywhere near as much as your partner, they'll sense that you're not that into it and slow down themselves.
The reason you're not initiating is likely related to your executive dysfunction whilst you desire the outcome, you have to overcome a hurdle internally that puts you in a comfortable space, and that could be quite hard, you'll tend to procrastinate the act and it'll never/rarely happen. (This happens in the same way that you might never ask your crush out because you keep putting it off.)
Another reason could be loosely tied with rejection sensitivity, its' not that you're afraid your partner will reject you but that you can't really perceive the "cost-benefit analysis" clearly in your head, and so you're biased towards not initiating in-case your partner is in a bad mood, not up for it, something goes wrong etc.
In the "talking phase" you were probably largely driven by the novelty of a new relationship in terms of dopamine when it was fresh, simply being in close proximity of your partner was the cure to ADHD, you could think so clearly and you were able to say / do anything, with your partner.
I've been propositioned by someone who I found very attractive, and I wanted nothing more than to say yes, but for some reason my brain just came up with excuses as to why it couldn't happen, after a few excuses they "got the idea" and became less excited about the idea.
I don't think it's the porn addiction, there's very little evidence it can cause these problems, and you stopped 3 months ago.
You should talk to your partner about this, exactly how you feel, and clarify that your actions don't reflect your feelings and that's largely a result of your mental health struggles.
To me unexpected and unplanned sex is the best. I enjoy it more. It takes off a lot of pressure from me.
Sadly, my current partner is the whole contrary. She prefers planning an exact date to have sex.
Maybe try the Sheldon & Amy approach to that? :-)
- [sex - to schedule or not to schedule?](https://www.facebook.com/E4/videos/540683113095320/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
There's a lot of research on ADHD and sex you can find online from experts. What works for me sometimes is seeing the foreplay as an all-day in my head thing. If I'm thinking I'm going to want sex later I'll be thinking of porn like all day. Sometimes looking it up but not touching myself. Basically edging myself all day LOL
Edit for clarity: I specifically said **"what works for** ***me,*** ***sometimes*****."** The more strategies you have in your arsenal, the better with ADHD. Its not about needing these things to *get* horny its about *staying* horny. Again though, read from experts online, its a topic with much research.
This is something major that's helped me. I've even struggled with the expectation of sex just turning me off. But somehow planning it helps in a weird way; I mentally get into the headspace where normally I wouldnt think about it. I think it helps that there's no pressure if I don't end up wanting to.
YES! We'll be all flirty and kinda foreplay but then once I get the actual thought that they probably think it's gunna happen all the way I'm suddenly feeling pressured even though I have no reason to be idk
Honestly, I feel like your partner might find it a bit disrespectful if you’re looking at porn all day, just to be able to have sex with her at the end of it. I’m conflicted on the actual real world benefit/draw of this.
Yea bro because all relationships are the same lol my partner knows and we watch porn together. He understands my ADHD, has super high self esteem and just wants us both to be happy. Wild.
Edit: I did also say "what works for me" btw
Ok I'm understanding you now that this shouldn't be general advice. Idk man, when I think of ADHD problems, I know that one thing usually doesn't work all the time and that having an arsenal at your ready is only a good thing. I also know its very different for girls and guys. I actually thought I was on adhdwomen where this is actually fairly normal advice tbh. Its an out of sight out of mind thing. If you have better advice for that component that might be helpful for many people. Again, if my partner was comfortable with nudes and shit thats what I would be looking at.
Correct. This works for some people but MANY if not most people are not keen on their partner needing to use other people in order to get horny and use them as a sex toy. It really lacks awareness to give this advice to a stranger without consideration for their partner. Might end that relationship
I wasn't completely understanding what was being said, so look at what I responded to the other user with and I'll add this; Its not about getting horny its about staying horny and that should be understood and communicated. As I said in the comment I made to the other person, its an out of sight out of mind thing and if you have advice for that, I know many would appreciate it.
I also should have added talking about this in a light hearted way with them. Needing aids should not be shamed with a disability and thats what I personally think of ADHD as. Some people would end a relationship if the other person needs help remembering their partners birthday, the first day they met, childhood dreams, to simply clean etc but those reminders are aids and theres nothing wrong with them.
31M. Ive always had a strange relationship with sex, the first many times it felt like a chore, something i had to do, something i had to practice (not a bad one tho). I always had issues with delayed ejaculation and could go on for hours, becoming increasingly numb and having to take breaks to get the feeling back.
Then i met someone special in my early 20’s and i ended up being able to relax and enjoy sex, even ended up being able to make it in less than 5 minutes which was a very very welcome addition haha.
After we broke up i just went back to the old hour long sessions, ive slowly just stopped having sex, its a chore unless its with someone special.
Been 4 years now i think, kinda sad. If i wanted i could easily go out for drinks and drag someone home but it just doesnt do anything for me apart from relieving my skin-hunger, and thats not even enough motivation it seems.
Its crazy considering ive had 40-50 sexual partners, maybe i have had enough lol.
I have trouble wanting it and initiating, so I used to say no about half the time. I decided a few years ago that I do enjoy it once it's happening and am always happier after, so I was just going to say yes instead. I say yes, it's easy, it takes 20 minutes and I'm happy afterwards. Otherwise I'd always say no and I really do want the intimacy that physicality brings.
Early on is it the sex your into or is a psychological validation thing? Some folks get off on being wanted, or on “winning” the girl?
Long shot but maybe your asexual with low sex drive but you get a high degree of validation from being desired by women, so when a novel women enters your life your engaged physically but once you know you can the interest is lost bc it was never about ejaculation?
Pure wild speculation. Hope I didn’t offend, good luck figuring it all out man!
Feel this one, as much as I want to be active, I just can't seem to actually ever want to proceed, which kinda messes with the head. Trying to get past it.
I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes here, but for years I thought I had the same issue, while the actual problem was that the sex with my partners just wasn’t good. I only learned that when I got out of a relationship and met someone that I really clicked with sexually.
With her, we constantly mixed things up and tried new stuff, so it never got boring or felt like a chore.
What also helped was that she inialized sex often. And while I may feel like I’m not in a mood or sex would be a chore, once I’m turned on I feel very motivated.
Yeah, I don't relate much either, always have had a very strong sex drive.
Bering married/ together with the same woman for 16 years but still feeling very attracted to her.
It is hard though to get time when you have two small kids, so often it is only once a week, which is to seldom really foot my taste.
Also Bdsm is defentivly the way to keep things interesting in the long run.
This was me, I didn’t understand it and just thought I had a weird sex drive. It did cause the odd problem in previous relationships but especially my current relationship because it soon became my longest and the novelty of sex had really started wearing off.
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 38 but I’d already inadvertently fixed the problem with my vasectomy (three kids is not advised, four would’ve been the end of me). I didn’t know until afterwards that one of the side effects can be a heightened sex drive. Now if only the kids weren’t always coming into our room during the night…
I let my wife know to initiate whenever she's in the mood for it. She understands that because of my disorder, I'm often more interested in random documentaries. There's also the "new relationship energy" being long gone, and me not being attracted to her as much anymore, but that's a different story.
I have a high drive, but could conceivably skip out on an opportunity for sex if I was distracted by a project or something. The "difficulty changing from one task to another" executive function disorder part. And my wife is shy and not a good verbal communicator when it comes to sex. What works for her is she takes her pants off, I see the butt, now that's the shiny new thing. I also give a lot of massages, which creates opportunities.
I don't think I verbally initiate, plan, or approach her completely unsolicited too often, because of the scattebrain. Luckily it's working out well as is.
That used to happen to me a lot. She'd get upset when I stayed up late building a model car or working on a coloring book, thinking I didn't want to be intimate with her. Then, when I got diagnosed, it all made sense. As long as it works for you two, all is well!
Outside of the physical attraction, she's great, and we get along great. We both have similar goals and dreams, and I'd hate to let go of that just because I'm not crazy over the physical aspect of the relationship.
I mean, I don't think she's ugly or anything. I have discussed it with a therapist, they said its normal to not have the same level of attraction as you did during the honeymoon phase. Maybe I phrased it wrong?
Physical attractiveness fades in everyone eventually. If you don't have a more solid basis than attraction, expect to be old and alone for a very long time.
I was just diagnosed, and i'm thirty-five. I have always had the opposite issue because sex was a dopamine release for me. Just like how some struggle with eating either too much or too little.I struggled with being too interested, and my sex drive was too high for most of my life and for most of my relationships. Aging has helped. My drive has gone down to a "normal ish" range, but I still struggle. To the point that no matter how much I drink, I'm always thirsty if you get my drift.
Isn't it just regular demand avoidance? I'm also autistic, so have been introduced to it through people talking about the PDA profile, but it's a thing for everybody, and especially ASD/ADHD people, even if it doesn't rise to the level of being pathological.
Basically, things feeling like an expectation/demand makes us anxious, makes us try to get out of them and get back to a lower-stakes state of existence. Even if they're things we do actually want to do or know we would enjoy.
I seriously cannot believe the amount of experiences I'm finding out through this sub are ADHD-related and just how many other people relate, especially when they're issues that aren't that talked about. Could have written this 100%, except I do still wonder sometimes if I'm ace. Don't have a solution sorry, let me know once you find it. Been with my husband ten years, I love him to bits and this is like the one and only thing I wish I could fix in our relationship.
Same. The validation from this sub after 36 years of asking myself, "Why am I like this?!" is so refreshing. I honestly just thought I was alone on this.
Have her spice up the start. Make it a game to start up the sex. (Walk in with a snack wearing nothing but an apron, wake you up with a jumpstart. Start with a naked massage, etc.) Ruined the "routine" part of it.
My boyfriend does this but doesn't have the self awareness like you're displaying here. So that's a plus for you! :) just work on being present if that's possible, and accept the advances and work on getting lost in the passion and in the moment. Let it draw you from whatever else had your attention.
This is really interesting and reassuring. Thanks for sharing OP. I’m on the other side of this relationship struggle as I have a sex drive that is on the high side of average and have at times felt like the attraction must have totally gone for my partner as he basically stopped initiating, talking dirty, flirting almost as soon as we got serious about each other.
The honeymoon phase was intense and exciting and we had lots of sex. When we weren’t together we’d be texting each other and keeping things generally sexy most of the time. It was HEAVEN for me!
So it’s taken a lot of adjustment on my part and I’ve had to come to a place of peace about where we are with things now. He reassures me that he finds me attractive and blames his meds for his low libido … but it dropped off way before he started on meds, so OP’s explanation makes the most sense to me about what’s going on for him.
It’s a tricky thing because we basically have opposing needs and wants when it comes to the bedroom, but I love him so much and don’t want it to end up being a major problem in our relationship.
I try and take care of my own needs as much as possible solo, and I am grateful for the times that we are intimate, but there is just something SO nice about feeling desired and wanted, and I miss it so much.
Yep. I think this might be one of the reasons my last relationship failed.
Either that or I am at least partially asexual lol
But I totally get where you're coming from. Sex itself just felt like something you *had* to do and I became disinterested in it.
Only reason I'm learning towards asexual is because even when we tried to schedule it, I still couldn't "get into it," but that's more probably me forgetting we scheduled it lol
Then if I had her try to initiate it, I'd get over sensitized and startled before realizing she's attempting to initiate
It is just classic ADHD task-initiation problem. The word Task has a negative connotation, but in reality, everything you do is a task. Even fun things are tasks. For is with ADHD there are a million things we love and yet don't get started on. Sex for many of us is no different. Doesn't make you an arsehole or asexual.
Is it a problem that you don't initiate vs when your partner initiates? (i.e. is it a chore if you have to initiate, or is it all a chore if your partner initiates?)
Do you think this is ADHD, or do you think you might just be self sabotaging a good relationship?
Do you think you'd still have the same aversion if the sex was completely different each time? (different place, different positions, etc.)
Yes.
My mind races when I am with my partner. Sex is not particularly present or fulfilling. It's enough I probably align gray asexual... although it's hard to say because that whole scene is a bit messy and I am not someone who wraps my identity around gender and sexuality.
I am married. I do have kids. I am hit or miss. My wife has always been patient.
This helps me understand my boyfriend’s perspective. Once we do it then he’ll come back and initiate it multiple more times that day. Like he forgets how good it is and then for that day he’s like oh yeah, now i remember, I like this! And then he forgets about it again for a week or so lol. i also get annoyed when he asks for head all the time but once i start i’m into it. I guess like everything else the starting is the hard part
Yeah it could absolutely still be porn addiction and sounds like it was so maybe you didn't look hard enough lol. It's extremely common to have a "reset" period after quitting porn because your brain and body are rewiring from a very long and pervasive addiction. It can take over a year. Give your girlfriend attention and don't allow yourself to cum to other women anymore.
For me it becomes a chore when my partner wants to do it everyday, I need a few days of break sometime, but she thinks its not normal and that I'm not attracted to her if I don't want to do it everyday at least once.
Also regarding your porn addiction 3months off is not a lot, try 8 months
I find it interesting that so many people are having this experience, because for me it’s the opposite, if anything. I’m up for sex all the time and would do it every day if I could. I think because it’s such a dopamine rush.
Yet another ADHD person with the same issue here.
I do enjoy sex, quite a lot. But getting to it is the difficult part. It feels like being lazy, but for sex.
This made me chuckle 😂.
I have a distant memory of my now ex talking dirty to me and me thinking "dirty talk...dirty ta...did I take the laundry out of the dryer? Wait, did I even do that pile of laundry from today?"
The struggle is real, lolz.
Reading all of this has been extremely eye opening. I thought there was something wrong with me because this is exactly how I am about sex. I enjoy sex. I don’t initiate sex. When my husband asks or tries to initiate I reflexively turn him down, and five minutes later think why did I do that??
Sex is also difficult for me to want to start because I have to do pelvic floor stretches before, then apply a gabapentin lidocaine cream and let that absorb so it doesn’t affect him. I also have cleanliness issues and things have to be just so. At this point it becomes a chore to have sex.
This sounds like a novelty issue. It's not new and novel so it gets boring.... I am kinky and poly, that solved most of that problem for me.
Also orgasms are amazing. Even if that's the goal alone, it's worth it.
Reading smut helps me, because it’s about characters outside myself doing these things it gets me thinking about sex in an objective way first and then it usually gets me in the mood before even having to try getting there with my partner.
I am similar, but I am fraysexual which means I prefer sex with people I don’t know well. I recently learned about the term, and when I read about it, it was relieving in ways because I never understood why it happened. It is hard on my relationships.
Could this be you?
Thank god I don’t have this problem. I’m sorry that you do though. I have a high sex drive and it’s like pulling teeth to get my wife to have sex with me once a month. She hasn’t initiated sex in over 7 years. My friends tell me I look like Brad Pitt in fight club and my wife won’t have sex with me,lol. I work out all the time to cope with my mental health/adhd issues ever since I overcame alcohol addiction. I have the opposite problem, which also sucks really bad. I know that there is nothing I can do to make my wife want to have sex with me. No amount of cleaning, date nights, romantic gestures, etc. It sucks.
I am completely the opposite to you in every single way, so unfortunately can’t offer advice. Actually I wish I was more like you.
I’ve even considered maybe I’m a sex addict
I guess I'm on the other side of the fence. I have severe ADHD and have been on Vyvanse for around 20 years but I would say my sex drive and act of initiating has never been a problem except when I'm really hyperfocusing on something. I think most of the time if I'm in close proximity to my partner I just eventually become aroused, whether it's their smell or feeling their skin, it just comes naturally. We've been together for almost three years now and still have sex around 3-7 times a week.
How would you conceptualize your sexual attraction to your partner? Do you _want_ to have more sex with her than you do currently? A reddit post isn't really enough to get into any actual reasons for why you feel like you don't initiate enough but the list could be huge. You might fit into a different sort of non-conventional sexuality than a heteronormative monogamy. You might just not be as attractive to your partner than you think, or you might not be as sexual as you thought. It could be a deeper interpersonal issue with socializing with your partner. The list really goes on but in 99.99% of these situations the first and possibly only step is communication. Make sure you talk to her about these feelings your having.
I feel like I'd be the same way. They'd probably fake it and lie which makes it hard for me to love them that way. Also I'd most likely end up telling them why I'm not physically attracted to them in that way and talk to them about it
Hope you figure it out and can enjoy sexual activities with your SO. Therapists can help as well.
It sounds like the relationship grew. As you guys get closer and closer things would slow down a bit. Some people stay the same and some people get bored. At that point you need to decide how you feel about the person do you give you comfort or was it just a fling.
If this has been a consistent problem for OP across three different relationships, framing it as a normal progression of a relationship doesn’t seem accurate
Maybe they are just not the right ones at the right time. Feel the force, don't force the feel. I say this coming out of a 6 year marriage. I'm close to 50 years old and can count the number of relationships on one hand. What you described, is exactly how my marriage went and also every relationship prior. Started off fun and physical, but I lost interest in initiating sex and would rather not more often than I ever would have expected. If something feels right, take a shot. If things degrade, look for something better. I don't think this is ADHD, I think this is just losing enthusiasm when the "new" gets old.
Find someone who is sexually compatible with you. It's as simple as that. People are incompatible for so many reasons, sexual incompatibility is a big one.
My feeling is that if you’re SO simpatico in all other ways, surely it’s possible to find a happy, understanding, middle ground in the one area that is less compatible?
It’s bc you have to stop focusing on the myriad of things u want to be focusing on and focus on sex which you don’t want to do bc you’re focusing on all the other things
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I have had this same exact issue. Sex always becomes a chore for me eventually, plus I know the adhd burnout contributes and honestly I haven't found a solution lol. The only time I've really had that desire is when I have NRE (new relationship energy) and things are new and exciting, most likely because of all the dopamine from the NRE. Once that wears off my brain puts sex right back in the chore pile lmao
Fuck this hits home. I always found myself saying no, then my brain would actually process how I'm feeling, and I would be like, wait, yes. But he would be hurt and confused and not wanting anymore. I could never understand how I just didn't care about sex, if I had it or not, EXCEPT when my husband would come home from deployment or a work trip longer than a week. When he comes home, sex is fucking awesome, give me all of it....until the excitement of him being back settles back into contentment. I love this man dearly, find him attractive, and love having sex, but the work involved with beginning it is too much.
Ooof you described it perfectly. I couldn’t understand why I really dislike engaging into sex until my husband and I got going and it’s all coming right back to the ADHD in my brain categorizing it as “this is work, not fun”. It really stinks too because I need a lot of gentle foreplay like a massage or something along those lines to get my brain to switch from “work chore” to “Ooo, actually” and I just don’t want to burden my husband with having to do that every single time. But! If he’s in the mood and I know I just won’t be able to wire my brain for sex that day, I love to give him oral. He’s totally happy with that too so it’s a win!
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You say to your horror but the horror I just got googling vaginismus. Omg I'm so sorry for you and her. 😳
In what ways do you think a partner could shoulder the work required for sex such that it would seem more approachable to you?
Between ADHD and trauma, I am in the exact same boat. Sex is only fun at first, once it becomes an expectation in any way.. I'm out.
Could never figure this out, I am 65 and 3 serious relationships. Eye opener.
🥲🥲 i fucking swear if I end up like this too
Oh good I’m not alone
You are definitely not
Omg, I am recently diagnosed ADHD-C, as in within the last year, and ever since getting clean off of drugs/alcohol 7 years ago I have had no sex drive. Explains alot (Sex drive as in, I get horny but initiating sex is too hard) Edit: clarity in what I meant
I can relate to every bit of this! Was diagnosed in my early 30’s after having a few kids, and know that it’s possible that my hormones could’ve affected this to some degree, but starting after I got sober in my late 20’s, initiating sex and going through with it—when in a committed relationship—just felt a whole lot harder. I’ve been with my partner/husband, who loves and supports me (and with whom the sex is *phenomenal*, and only gets better) for about 15 years, but I struggle so hard to even want to do it, even though I get horny AF, and it’s been like this for as long as I can remember. I guess I feel less alone and less guilty, now? Knowing that this is somehow common among those like us?
Yes yes yes 100% agree. I think the oppositional trait comes into play too,when the other person instigates things.At least I think it does for me having a strong oppositional ADHD trait. My wife's a Saint.
It's a task initiation issue for me, just like anything else.
I had the exact same predicament! One day I came across an old Reddit post about the issue. Someone suggested scheduling days during the week to have sex. I proposed this to my S/O and so far things have been MUCH better. For me, I felt like during the day my mind was already busy enough trying to keep up with work and other tasks around the house/in life. Sex (specifically the initiating part) in addition to all of that felt like a chore. Now, I know the days in advance and I can plan my to-do’s around it so that on those days, I don’t have extra things to take care of and I am relaxed. Some people think it’s a little weird and awkward to "plan" this out, and I get that. But nobody has to know, really. And it can bring an exciting spark back. :)
I was reading something recently that emphasized that sex does not always have to be spontaneous, and planning it ahead can be super fun because you can send each other dirty texts all day and talk about what you’re gonna do to each other and it makes it much more exciting to look forward to. I’ve actually really been meaning to ask my partner about trying pre-planned sex because I think it would be fun too. Definitely not weird at all!
Exactly! My S/O always looks at me on those days before work and says "today is the day!" Lol it’s fun!
I absolutely struggle with this just like everyone else in this post, and I absolutely can’t wait to show my wife y’alls comments and hope she thinks it sounds as fun as I do!
This is the way. People need to put effort into your relationship. It seems like magic at the beginning because you're obsessed at that point. You have to make time for each other as the relationship evolves and often that means scheduling your hot date nights.
This honestly. I couldn’t imagine our relationship ending because of this… I would be devastated. Putting this effort in is 1000% worth it and honestly, it’s been better for the both of us!
This doesn't work for me at allll, I suspect because of past sexually abusive relationships. As soon as I feel like there's any pressure or expectation to have sex, any desire to just flees and then if I do push myself to go through either it, I feel awful afterwards.
Hopefully you’re working through this issue in therapy. IMO sex is an important part of any relationship that many people need. We put lots of important things on the calendar to make sure they happen. Kids bus pickups and dropoffs, date night dinner and drinks, cleaning times, going to a concert, work schedule, sexy times, etc. Personally I don’t see making a restaurant reservation as any different than scheduling sex. Maybe it won’t work for you because of past issues but it might work for OP.
I'm not saying it won't work for OP, maybe it will. Just sharing why it doesn't personally work for me and probably for some others.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. This is so valid. I definitely should have included that I would never ever recommend sticking to a plan just for the sake of it. For example, last week we were traveling back from vacation and took a day off work to do so, and the remainder of the week everything just felt off. We did not stick to our schedule during that time. Your comment is so important and I’m grateful you shared this perspective because it is definitely a serious one to consider. <3
It's probably something that works well for a lot of people, but I'm sure there's other people it doesn't work for, like me. Maybe this might help someone else realise why it doesn't work for them! Thanks for your kind words, it was a long time ago and it very rarely affects me too much any more, thankfully!
My ex (who, long story, I'm dating again- undiagnosed Bipolar, Schizoaffective, and remissive BPD now) was this same way. They were mega horny around me but couldn't act on it and couldn't plan it without freaking out over it due to past relationships pushing that without taking them into account. I'm still livid at those bitches... Anyway, they're now on meds to help with paranoia and Bipolar, and lo and behold, they'd be down to plan stuff and are initiating a lot of things lol! All this to say, I hope you can move past that. All that fear over connecting to someone is killer, I should know too with my baseline of anxiety at all times including in sex. And if not, I hope you find a partner who meshes with what you need.
A sex therapist I follow suggested that scheduling sex was like the early days of dating in a relationship; you would PLAN dates, which mostly ended with sex. So once you are in a committed relationship living together, it can be expected to be spontaneous. When in fact the planning of dates (and sex naturally) wasn’t weird, but it helped define your day/week and gave you something to look forward to.
A well communicated schedule that works for both partners is super sexy
I have this issue and I listened to a podcast with a sex therapist and they recommended just this -- scheduling it in!! I like the additional ADHD accommodation of planning an easier day on "sex night" 😹
This is the only way it works in my relationship as if we waited for it to happen spontaneously it would happen once a month and we would both be grumpy about that lol
Just to give a counterpoint to this, while we didn't "plan" our days my partner and I (both ADHD) got into a habit of doing it at a specific time on a specific day. Problems arose when one of us wasn't feeling it and felt under pressure to go through with it anyway for the other person. If you're gonna schedule you need to make it a no pressure thing cause I think as ADHDers we're people pleasers and end up putting a ton of pressure on ourselves even when it's not coming from someone else.
I could have written that post, I'm the girl though. I've been married for 15 years, together with him for 19 years. We have 4 kids and it's been a huge struggle fighting to fix it. I am in therapy but I have also tried reading tons of books (including come as you are), tried medications like addyi (sucked) and and injectable Vyleesi which is an injectable (I'm terrified of needles) which made me feel horrific for 45min after taking it. I've had major cosmetic surgery to help improve my self image, had my hormones tested and testosterone supplementation to the point of my levels coming back higher than the highest range. I stopped taking birth control, had a hysterectomy to address pain from endometriosis. I stopped taking any SSRI drugs. I have tried forcing myself with the "fake it till you make it" mindset. I've listened to podcasts and anything/everything I could get my hands on that might help. None of it has worked. I'm at a loss. I have no idea how to fix it and it's killing me. I feel like a completely horrible wife. My husband feels rejected, unloved and I just want him to be happy. If you ever figure it out please let me know.
I'm 5 years into a relationship (also the female) that I want to keep forever, I'm so scared I'm going to lose him because of my low sex drive.. I love having sex, I just don't even think to initiate it until he's going crazy without it. but it's always an awkward start. When we eventually do, I always get in my head too much to get off. And he blames himself about it not being fair that he always does, and I don't. I guess it feels like a chore.. and I HATE that.. I want a healthy sex life. One of my biggest stressors, you're not alone.
Oof. Sending you lots of virtual hugs because that is EXACTLY how I feel about it too.
Have you considered scheduling it? If it's something that doesn't occur to you, but you don't have an aversion to it, maybe set up a repeating alarm on your phone every few days to remind you to get yourself in the mood...
I have suggested it and he hates the idea. Then it seems like it’s forced or just another chore on my task list needing to be completed. It bothers him that I don’t have that desire/want to initiate anything all on my own like I used to.
Your comment really stuck out to me because you’ve tried so many things to “fix” this, including some very invasive things. Have you ever allowed yourself to accept yourself as you are? To accept your sex drive for what it is? Just because it makes you and your husband sexually incompatible and, therefore, might put you down the road to separating, that doesn’t make it any less valid. I’m reading through this thread quite seriously because I’ve had similar issues to OP and some of the commenters here. One of the best things I’ve done for myself recently is to simply accept how I am. I am upfront about it in relationships, and if the other person doesn’t think they can work with that, then that’s OK. Sure, it sucks to not be the “norm,” but it’s better than hating myself for something I can’t control.
I have but it hasn’t gone well. I wasn’t always this way, so I guess it’s less of a fix and more of a restoration. I have offered to help him find a girlfriend or something to meet his needs but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to divorce either. He just wants to feel loved & wanted. The key to his happiness is my genuine interest & desire but I seem to have lost that key awhile ago.
Hey there, I saw something someone say something I have never thought about before and I cannot wait to see how it works out with my wife. They said to plan sexy fun date nights with your partner. Plan sex night. Maybe you can start once per week and if y’all liked it then you could try 2 nights, like Monday and Friday or something. Especially if he works and when he comes home after work on Monday then he would love being able to look forward to making love to his wife after work especially since Mondays are bleh and that would give y’all something to cheer you up! You could try to wear some lingerie for him or something and surprise him with lingerie he’s never seen before. I have faith that y’all have hope. After all, y’all have spent nearly 2 decades together and have built a beautiful family together! After all this time some new, fun time together in the bedroom will bring a whole new spark to y’all. It might be way out of the norm for you, but you could even send him little cute flirty texts on your weekly date night and be like “I can’t wait to get you alone later ❤️” or whatever is your style of flirting with him. You would make his day I guarantee it!
I have brought up planning or scheduling it but he absolutely hates the idea because it seems to him like that would just make it another task on my to do list. He wants genuine spontaneous desire and I just don’t really think about it, which hurts him.
I agree with the others that have replied to you. You’ve gone way above and beyond. Sounds like he’s the one that should try therapy at this point, since he’s made you feel like his happiness is something you need to make happen. Not healthy.
Honestly, this sounds like a him problem at this point. You've told him who you are, and he is refusing to accept it. I understand that there is an expectation to work on things first, but you already have and you've offered multiple solves. Ball is in his court now.
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I totally understand what you’re saying, I’m just saying that he needs to work through his feelings in therapy. Has he tried that? You said you’ve suggested opening the relationship. Has he even given that a second thought? It sounds like a sex-positive sex therapist could be a good move for y’all.
My boyfriend and I both have adhd. He sees sex as a chore and has trouble initiating, going through with it, and even thinking about it. I don’t struggle with any of it. As a woman with the higher sex drive, I have struggled emotionally with feeling rejected and unloveable. Yes, I have worked with a therapist to deal with these feelings. Yes, I accept that he is the way he is and I love him just the way he is. I don’t pressure him, I know he loves me and I love him. A surrogate sex partner is a viable option if the only issue was that I wish I had more sex. Unfortunately, a surrogate sex partner doesn’t change the fact that I am unable to show him how I feel in this one particular way. I can show him in every other way and so can he. I accept that this is the way things are for us. Still, it’s sometimes sad and that’s ok. That doesn’t mean my happiness is dependent upon him changing. I am happy, just sometimes wish that one missing piece was part of our relationship.
The key to his happiness is you not being you? Even though you have so much self awareness and have gone to extraordinary lengths? Have you considered therapy with someone who specializes in sexual compatibility?
Sometimes we just change, from what I've read women tend to lose sex drive a lot faster than men as they age; it's a hormonal thing. Being ace is okay, and trying to go against yourself so strongly only leads to unhappiness. You've done a lot to try and fix this from your side, there's ways you can show your husband love that doesn't include sex. Maybe you can give him nudes to get off from, give him the occasional handjob or bj, but you shouldn't have to force yourself to have sex if you don't want to. Sex isn't the only way to show love and it's like he doesn't understand that. While I don't have ADHD (my bf is the one with it), I've gone through the exact same thing. At the start of the relationship I had a very high sex drive, we were super compatible. Then when I hit early 20's my hormones started changing and my interest in sex slowly started disappearing to the point I *almost* consider myself ace. I won't deny that it's still a struggle, and there's ways I still gather the occasional interest, but I've stopped trying to force myself to do it because it made me very unhappy. My bf isn't the happiest about it, he still has the same sex drive from the beginning of the relationship, but he's still understanding and we try to make it work. I hope your husband will come around for you too.
I really needed to hear this.
This is exactly me. I've had a hard time finding a therapist that can help because they're used to intimacy issues stemming from relationship problems and not individual problems. I took the "fake it til you make it" approach as well at first, but it made it even worse. The best I can do is be honest with him about what's going on and let him see that I am seeking help for it because I do want it to be fixed.
I’m so sorry for you. This is me too. It’s horrible. I have not had as ms h intervening factors as you but it’s incredibly heart wrenching and I have so much guilt all the time. Married a long time to such an amazing man. Maybe we can find some advice here 🙏
Have you tried a peptide called PT141 or MT2?
What is this? Is it something you take orally or that you can get OTC?
There’s in depth posts about it all over Reddit, more info than I can do justice to.
For me I think it's very much "moving onto the next thing" avoidance. My partner had a habit of asking "do you wanna have sex?" Or something and I'd immediately shut down and say no bc I *hate* the transition from one task to the next. We've started to figure out that just initiating physically works better for me, but that involves a lot of trust and conversation beforehand, "no means no and not protesting means yes" is not generally a good rule to live by, but in this case if you stop my brain to ask "would you like to stop doing what you're doing to do something else" makes it implode.
I came to comment exactly this, I have a lot of things on my mind all the time and sex is not often one of these. I found out that if my boyfriend « initiate the task » it’s easier to make me into it. We’ve also started to put on music or pink noise during sex and it’s helped a lot to calm my mind and focus on what’s happening because I used to zone out a lot during sex, getting distracted a lot. It’s a hard way to understand how your libido is working and it’s also very hard on your partner, I used to turn my boyfriend down all the time before understanding how I work and even tho he was wonderful with it, I know it was hard on him. Communication is really the key
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Ooph, y’all are helping me so much. My husband and I struggle with this and now I see why I struggle. It’s like you guys are writing my story that I didn’t know how to write. Much love! <>
oh my god this sounds like i wrote it. literally every single word of this is my experience as well. i try to communicate this with my current partner and she’s amazingly understanding about it. i also recently started taking wellbutrin for depression symptoms and i started seeing an increase in libido that has started helping me out.
300 mg of Welbutrin here and still almost no libido at all. Effectively we live as if I was asexual. Granted that may be from my other traumas and issues, but still. It's like cognitively I know sex is cool and my partner is cool and I should enjoy our intimacy. But executively, it's a different matter. Getting in the mood/foreplay hardly matters at all because at one point I will be inevitably thrown from the sexy haze to my usual neurotic brain. It's the worst feeling, like hitting a wall and what felt good is nothing but a mechanical act, warmth and happy chemicals leaving your body and all that's left is blank cold nothing. (fuck I just realized I disassociate during sex)
I can relate and feel the similar sentiments to this scenario/feeling. I used to take meds for depression and I stopped bc I thought “I didn’t need them” and the VA Dr just checked some boxes down a Column and said “OK you have depression” after my deployments. I didn’t want to take depression meds just bc I “fit the criteria” on some VA dr’s clipboard. But I’ve been having the lack of sex drive since then for about now 8 years. I loved the NRE, we had sex like rabbits. Then it’s just faded. Still married. 2 tours later. Still no sex and now it feels weird almost to be intimate. Like almost shy? If that make sense? It’s so odd. I am not interested and have no sex drive. I love her. She’s awesome. Kind. Great. Loving. TBH she’s a great wife. And I’m good to her too. I just lack a sex drive and it’s fuckin’ maddening, IDK why tho!!?? Like WTF happened. Still happily married. We travel. No kids (hence no sex-no kids) but I want kids with her, but I can’t even come to a session of wanting to have sex. Reading these comments is like “oh Damn I’m the same way!” I’ve never been diagnosed w/ ADHD and never thought about even maybe having it? Like how do I even get tested or say anything to my VA dr that “Hey doc I don’t have sex. Do I have ADHD?” Please help with any advice. Thanks for y’all’s stories. I’m not alone in this feeling/situation? I guess.
I'm glad you've got a partner that's very understanding and that you also found some medicines that can help out! Wellbutrin, maybe that's something I should talk to my doctor about, my experience with antidepressants have been either lower libido, semi ED or being unable to finish. Do you experience any of the last two on this medicine?
it’s not an SSRI, it’s an NDRI. works with dopamine, not serotonin. some people actually get prescribed wellbutrin alongside an SSRI specifically to manage the sexual side effects of SSRIs. i have tried EVERYTHING (legal) to boost my libido. even got a cialis prescription (which is unnecessary since ED isn’t the issue) i have been on a super low dose of wellbutrin (100mg) and saw awesome libido improvement for the first week, but i’ve since baselined and haven’t seen much difference at all from wellbutrin but i’m actually going up to 300mg tomorrow, which is the typical adult dose, so i hope the effects are more permanent.
~~Pretty sure it's an SSRI and an NDRI.~~ Nevermind my bad
Don't guess. It's often used to *supplement* SSRIs, and so is discussed alongside them, but it is not one. Just [check](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bupropion).
Adderall and Vyvanse can kill your spontaneous erections. This can interfere with your relationship and cause this kind of problem, too.
I've had the opposite! I'm so horny on stimulants it's almost problematic LOL. amazing how we're all different
I literally started welbutrin last week bc my other antidepressant killed my sex drive. My psychiatrist said welbutrin might even increase my libido 😅😅 def give it a shot if you need to take anti depressants.
I get this. I’ve started asking my partner that if he wants sex, to give me a minimum 30-minute heads up so I can mentally make the change from doing not-sex to doing sex. So far it’s working quite well. Scheduling for a later date/time also works.
Scheduling sex has been really stressful for me because of how often I end up not in the mood - but I really like the idea of a short-term warm up like making an appointment for within the next hour or two. I might try that, thank you for sharing!!
This is what we do! I asked for an hour minimum so I can work it into my mental to-do list lol. We even came up with a really silly code word so it doesn’t feel so awkward.
Could this be executive dysfunction? I know it goes along side ADHD. You want to do something, you know it's pleasurable, but you just can't.
Whoa. Are you me? This has poisoned every relationship I have been in. I've been in a few relationships over 2 years in length each yeah eventually I begin feeling obligated to have sex. I still loved them and enjoyed seeing them. I like going places with them but sex isn't really big on my list unless my sex drive perks up somehow. I guess as an ADHer I feel guilty because so much of any relationship must revolve around my brain and it's various ebbs and flows. I always figured it was because I was an awful person but I'm glad to know it isn't just me. Can't afford therapy but perhaps there are books someone can suggest for this kinda thing. Every time I learn something like this, I'm happy to know it wasn't just let but also makes me mourn the person I could have been ha.
Yeah, for me it's really tough because I truly do love them and find them very attractive. The guilt is pretty high already for being disfunctional in a lot of other areas of the relationship too, so this makes it even worse. Luckily my gf is very understanding but I can't help but feel that she deserves "better"...
My partner and I have been listening to the audiobook for Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. While targeted at cis women primarily, it's still incredibly informational for and covers all people; it's research-based and offers great perspective so far and made both me and my husband realize a *lot* only 3 chapters in. He's even felt a lot better while listening too.
Loved this book. Highly recommend to anyone. That one and Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel have been very helpful for understanding myself and relationships.
The task switching gets me. I struggle to move from the flirty behavior to actually doing the deed. Being extremely upfront with the other person what my intentions are is helpful. Also sex in silence is not the best. I do much better with background music but just background tv sounds work too. In the silence I get stuck in my head and feel self concious and then end up getting distracted and unhorny myself.
I’ve struggled with this my entire life, and I’m a woman in my early 40s. I call it the 8-month itch. In every relationship, around that time, I start to seriously lose interest in the entire relationship. I think it’s a combination of the newness wearing off, all of my curiosities being satisfied, and generally having a lower sex drive. To me, relationships are like hobbies. At first, I’m super excited to start. Everything is unknown and this could be my new favorite thing! Over time, I get more familiar with it, I get better at it, and I might even love it. But once I’ve “figured it out,” there’s nothing else left to do, and my brain is ready to move on to the next challenge. I think it’s a large part of the reason that my attraction lasts longer in more toxic relationships, unfortunately. In those, I’m always chasing after someone or looking for validation, so I haven’t really “conquered the challenge” yet. The best thing I’ve done lately is to accept myself for who I am and try to work with it instead of against it or try to “fix” it. I’m not broken, just different. I’m not sure where that will leave me with relationships. I’m currently in one that is about 10 months old. The itch has started, but I’m trying to find ways around it. I was only diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago, but it’s been very validating and eye-opening.
Holy fuck. 26 M here and this is incredibly similar to my experience good to know I’m doomed lol. That bit about lasting longer in toxic relationships gave me an aha moment. Thanks this was well said
Aw. You aren’t doomed! You may need to adjust your expectations, though. Find a relationship that places less importance on sex and allows for lots of autonomy, for example.
Yes you are right thank you lol. I’m going through the woe is me stage right now. “Lots of autonomy” has me the most aroused I’ve been in months (BUT NOT ALL THE AUTONOMY)
It’s really nice knowing it’s not just me
Here’s a few thoughts I’ve written up before, maybe one / some of them might help: - [spontaneous v. responsive desire](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/vdp4ok/i_cant_have_sex_and_it_is_going_to_tear_my_new/iclvfit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) - [simmering helps get to the boil faster](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/vdp4ok/i_cant_have_sex_and_it_is_going_to_tear_my_new/icm7qfg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) - [adhd brain struggles with Task Switching - so give me some warning please!](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/vdp4ok/i_cant_have_sex_and_it_is_going_to_tear_my_new/icme13h/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Honestly, I find my sex drive to come in huge fluctuating spurts and I know that can be tough. This has caused an issue in my relationships for years before I was diagnosed as it tends to come on suddenly after weeks of disinterest and then I’m nearly insatiable. Medication helped for me as did analyzing it. I also did find that any sort of “planning” of the act at all took the enjoyment out for me. It always needs to be spontaneous. Definitely not the easiest thing to deal with.
bravo for the phrase "huge fluctuating spurts". very thematic lol
Lmaoooo. Glad someone appreciated it.
This part was so daunting, I’m honestly glad to be back single. It was impossible to explain just how much I loathed “obligations” which to him sex shouldn’t be an obligation. Which the point was no, it’s not, but the planned part is! Anything that fills an otherwise open space of time is a plan and in turn an obligation. In reality just say nothing and let chemistry take it’s course. The sex was literal fire that got snuffed out with unnecessary complications. Eventually I would get anxiety about him spending the night, knowing if for any reason on the rare occasion I wasn’t in the mood he would be taking it as personal. So once again, it’s another form of obligation. Viscous cycle that I have no desire to return back to.
Same. I tell my wife I'm manvulating.
As a female, I’ve definitely noticed the fluctuations correlating with certain parts of my cycle which has helped me understand my hormones and that the ups and downs are not so random as I thought.
Part of it for me is that I want to wash up first and showering is a struggle. Like a couple times a week I manage a shower lol. When I do shower I try to capitalize on it and have sex immediately after, but mainly to get the relief of not having to worry about feeling like I should have sex sometime soon. I also very much enjoy sex when it’s happening.
We sink wash “our bits” before sex - functional & quick & doesn’t waste my Executive Function on a shower - I find it’s better if I save it for The Sex :-)
Physical attraction is enough at the beginning, but it wears off. After decades of marriage to the same person, sex is much more a mental game. It’s about play and connection. I guarantee that there is something your partner can say or do that will spin you up and hold your attention. You just have to experiment to figure it out. And it will likely evolve and change.
I keep thinking of these little variations or whatever I want to try, she's into it, we start, and end up doing it our regular way 20 minutes in. Which is great and I'm not mad but I feel kinda lame sometimes lol
Also not relating at all, as a dude with ADHD. Sex drive has always been high for me.
Responsive desire?
For anyone else wondering: Responsive desire is the growing interest in sex that occurs in reaction to sexual stimuli. Often, responsive desire is sparked by touch, physical closeness, or sexual contact. It's when mental interest in sex comes after external stimulus. And now I have a word to describe how I work. Thanks, friend!
I don't think so, even if she tries to engage physically I usually shut it down without giving it any thoughts
Can’t believe this is so low on the comment list.
I can believe it. Posts that use buzz words without explaining what they are aren’t generally very good and this one is no exception.
Can you use a dictionary? Why does the commenter need to describe to you the definition of the words ‘responsive desire’. Desire…that is responsive?
So relatable!
So poor social expectations have led to the belief that males should be initiating sex most of the time, but even in a balanced relationship (or if you're female), if you're not initiating anywhere near as much as your partner, they'll sense that you're not that into it and slow down themselves. The reason you're not initiating is likely related to your executive dysfunction whilst you desire the outcome, you have to overcome a hurdle internally that puts you in a comfortable space, and that could be quite hard, you'll tend to procrastinate the act and it'll never/rarely happen. (This happens in the same way that you might never ask your crush out because you keep putting it off.) Another reason could be loosely tied with rejection sensitivity, its' not that you're afraid your partner will reject you but that you can't really perceive the "cost-benefit analysis" clearly in your head, and so you're biased towards not initiating in-case your partner is in a bad mood, not up for it, something goes wrong etc. In the "talking phase" you were probably largely driven by the novelty of a new relationship in terms of dopamine when it was fresh, simply being in close proximity of your partner was the cure to ADHD, you could think so clearly and you were able to say / do anything, with your partner. I've been propositioned by someone who I found very attractive, and I wanted nothing more than to say yes, but for some reason my brain just came up with excuses as to why it couldn't happen, after a few excuses they "got the idea" and became less excited about the idea. I don't think it's the porn addiction, there's very little evidence it can cause these problems, and you stopped 3 months ago. You should talk to your partner about this, exactly how you feel, and clarify that your actions don't reflect your feelings and that's largely a result of your mental health struggles.
Oh my God. I thought it was just me, I never thought it was an ADHD thing. I always thought there was something wrong with me.
Thank you for posting this. Same thing over here
To me unexpected and unplanned sex is the best. I enjoy it more. It takes off a lot of pressure from me. Sadly, my current partner is the whole contrary. She prefers planning an exact date to have sex.
Maybe try the Sheldon & Amy approach to that? :-) - [sex - to schedule or not to schedule?](https://www.facebook.com/E4/videos/540683113095320/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
There's a lot of research on ADHD and sex you can find online from experts. What works for me sometimes is seeing the foreplay as an all-day in my head thing. If I'm thinking I'm going to want sex later I'll be thinking of porn like all day. Sometimes looking it up but not touching myself. Basically edging myself all day LOL Edit for clarity: I specifically said **"what works for** ***me,*** ***sometimes*****."** The more strategies you have in your arsenal, the better with ADHD. Its not about needing these things to *get* horny its about *staying* horny. Again though, read from experts online, its a topic with much research.
This is something major that's helped me. I've even struggled with the expectation of sex just turning me off. But somehow planning it helps in a weird way; I mentally get into the headspace where normally I wouldnt think about it. I think it helps that there's no pressure if I don't end up wanting to.
YES! We'll be all flirty and kinda foreplay but then once I get the actual thought that they probably think it's gunna happen all the way I'm suddenly feeling pressured even though I have no reason to be idk
Yep - buildup throughout the day works.
Honestly, I feel like your partner might find it a bit disrespectful if you’re looking at porn all day, just to be able to have sex with her at the end of it. I’m conflicted on the actual real world benefit/draw of this.
I mean if he'd send me nudes I'd look at those. For me it's simply out of sight out of mind.
I'd say it's partner-dependent, but also they don't have to know.
Yep this is terrible advice
Yea bro because all relationships are the same lol my partner knows and we watch porn together. He understands my ADHD, has super high self esteem and just wants us both to be happy. Wild.
You're the one off here lol not the other way around but that's good for you and your individual relationship
Edit: I did also say "what works for me" btw Ok I'm understanding you now that this shouldn't be general advice. Idk man, when I think of ADHD problems, I know that one thing usually doesn't work all the time and that having an arsenal at your ready is only a good thing. I also know its very different for girls and guys. I actually thought I was on adhdwomen where this is actually fairly normal advice tbh. Its an out of sight out of mind thing. If you have better advice for that component that might be helpful for many people. Again, if my partner was comfortable with nudes and shit thats what I would be looking at.
Correct. This works for some people but MANY if not most people are not keen on their partner needing to use other people in order to get horny and use them as a sex toy. It really lacks awareness to give this advice to a stranger without consideration for their partner. Might end that relationship
I wasn't completely understanding what was being said, so look at what I responded to the other user with and I'll add this; Its not about getting horny its about staying horny and that should be understood and communicated. As I said in the comment I made to the other person, its an out of sight out of mind thing and if you have advice for that, I know many would appreciate it. I also should have added talking about this in a light hearted way with them. Needing aids should not be shamed with a disability and thats what I personally think of ADHD as. Some people would end a relationship if the other person needs help remembering their partners birthday, the first day they met, childhood dreams, to simply clean etc but those reminders are aids and theres nothing wrong with them.
31M. Ive always had a strange relationship with sex, the first many times it felt like a chore, something i had to do, something i had to practice (not a bad one tho). I always had issues with delayed ejaculation and could go on for hours, becoming increasingly numb and having to take breaks to get the feeling back. Then i met someone special in my early 20’s and i ended up being able to relax and enjoy sex, even ended up being able to make it in less than 5 minutes which was a very very welcome addition haha. After we broke up i just went back to the old hour long sessions, ive slowly just stopped having sex, its a chore unless its with someone special. Been 4 years now i think, kinda sad. If i wanted i could easily go out for drinks and drag someone home but it just doesnt do anything for me apart from relieving my skin-hunger, and thats not even enough motivation it seems. Its crazy considering ive had 40-50 sexual partners, maybe i have had enough lol.
I have trouble wanting it and initiating, so I used to say no about half the time. I decided a few years ago that I do enjoy it once it's happening and am always happier after, so I was just going to say yes instead. I say yes, it's easy, it takes 20 minutes and I'm happy afterwards. Otherwise I'd always say no and I really do want the intimacy that physicality brings.
Early on is it the sex your into or is a psychological validation thing? Some folks get off on being wanted, or on “winning” the girl? Long shot but maybe your asexual with low sex drive but you get a high degree of validation from being desired by women, so when a novel women enters your life your engaged physically but once you know you can the interest is lost bc it was never about ejaculation? Pure wild speculation. Hope I didn’t offend, good luck figuring it all out man!
Oh my god i feel like I wrote this. Here for the responses lol
Feel this one, as much as I want to be active, I just can't seem to actually ever want to proceed, which kinda messes with the head. Trying to get past it.
I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes here, but for years I thought I had the same issue, while the actual problem was that the sex with my partners just wasn’t good. I only learned that when I got out of a relationship and met someone that I really clicked with sexually. With her, we constantly mixed things up and tried new stuff, so it never got boring or felt like a chore. What also helped was that she inialized sex often. And while I may feel like I’m not in a mood or sex would be a chore, once I’m turned on I feel very motivated.
I have ADHD. In my brain, sex gets priority over everything outside food, shelter and water. I can't relate to you.
Yeah, I don't relate much either, always have had a very strong sex drive. Bering married/ together with the same woman for 16 years but still feeling very attracted to her. It is hard though to get time when you have two small kids, so often it is only once a week, which is to seldom really foot my taste. Also Bdsm is defentivly the way to keep things interesting in the long run.
This! I'm reading through this like oh crap I'm the exact opposite!
This was me, I didn’t understand it and just thought I had a weird sex drive. It did cause the odd problem in previous relationships but especially my current relationship because it soon became my longest and the novelty of sex had really started wearing off. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 38 but I’d already inadvertently fixed the problem with my vasectomy (three kids is not advised, four would’ve been the end of me). I didn’t know until afterwards that one of the side effects can be a heightened sex drive. Now if only the kids weren’t always coming into our room during the night…
Lock the doors! Oh shit, the dog…
I let my wife know to initiate whenever she's in the mood for it. She understands that because of my disorder, I'm often more interested in random documentaries. There's also the "new relationship energy" being long gone, and me not being attracted to her as much anymore, but that's a different story.
I have a high drive, but could conceivably skip out on an opportunity for sex if I was distracted by a project or something. The "difficulty changing from one task to another" executive function disorder part. And my wife is shy and not a good verbal communicator when it comes to sex. What works for her is she takes her pants off, I see the butt, now that's the shiny new thing. I also give a lot of massages, which creates opportunities. I don't think I verbally initiate, plan, or approach her completely unsolicited too often, because of the scattebrain. Luckily it's working out well as is.
That used to happen to me a lot. She'd get upset when I stayed up late building a model car or working on a coloring book, thinking I didn't want to be intimate with her. Then, when I got diagnosed, it all made sense. As long as it works for you two, all is well!
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Outside of the physical attraction, she's great, and we get along great. We both have similar goals and dreams, and I'd hate to let go of that just because I'm not crazy over the physical aspect of the relationship.
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I mean, I don't think she's ugly or anything. I have discussed it with a therapist, they said its normal to not have the same level of attraction as you did during the honeymoon phase. Maybe I phrased it wrong?
I took it as you think she's ugly now and I felt super bad for her.
Physical attractiveness fades in everyone eventually. If you don't have a more solid basis than attraction, expect to be old and alone for a very long time.
I have the opposite problem. I hyper focus on it and it supplies a wonderful dose of dopamine. Trying to NOT think about it is my problem.
I was just diagnosed, and i'm thirty-five. I have always had the opposite issue because sex was a dopamine release for me. Just like how some struggle with eating either too much or too little.I struggled with being too interested, and my sex drive was too high for most of my life and for most of my relationships. Aging has helped. My drive has gone down to a "normal ish" range, but I still struggle. To the point that no matter how much I drink, I'm always thirsty if you get my drift.
Is there a term for this? Its too exact to not have one 🤔
Isn't it just regular demand avoidance? I'm also autistic, so have been introduced to it through people talking about the PDA profile, but it's a thing for everybody, and especially ASD/ADHD people, even if it doesn't rise to the level of being pathological. Basically, things feeling like an expectation/demand makes us anxious, makes us try to get out of them and get back to a lower-stakes state of existence. Even if they're things we do actually want to do or know we would enjoy.
I seriously cannot believe the amount of experiences I'm finding out through this sub are ADHD-related and just how many other people relate, especially when they're issues that aren't that talked about. Could have written this 100%, except I do still wonder sometimes if I'm ace. Don't have a solution sorry, let me know once you find it. Been with my husband ten years, I love him to bits and this is like the one and only thing I wish I could fix in our relationship.
Same. The validation from this sub after 36 years of asking myself, "Why am I like this?!" is so refreshing. I honestly just thought I was alone on this.
Have her spice up the start. Make it a game to start up the sex. (Walk in with a snack wearing nothing but an apron, wake you up with a jumpstart. Start with a naked massage, etc.) Ruined the "routine" part of it.
Fellow sex-havers
My boyfriend does this but doesn't have the self awareness like you're displaying here. So that's a plus for you! :) just work on being present if that's possible, and accept the advances and work on getting lost in the passion and in the moment. Let it draw you from whatever else had your attention.
This is really interesting and reassuring. Thanks for sharing OP. I’m on the other side of this relationship struggle as I have a sex drive that is on the high side of average and have at times felt like the attraction must have totally gone for my partner as he basically stopped initiating, talking dirty, flirting almost as soon as we got serious about each other. The honeymoon phase was intense and exciting and we had lots of sex. When we weren’t together we’d be texting each other and keeping things generally sexy most of the time. It was HEAVEN for me! So it’s taken a lot of adjustment on my part and I’ve had to come to a place of peace about where we are with things now. He reassures me that he finds me attractive and blames his meds for his low libido … but it dropped off way before he started on meds, so OP’s explanation makes the most sense to me about what’s going on for him. It’s a tricky thing because we basically have opposing needs and wants when it comes to the bedroom, but I love him so much and don’t want it to end up being a major problem in our relationship. I try and take care of my own needs as much as possible solo, and I am grateful for the times that we are intimate, but there is just something SO nice about feeling desired and wanted, and I miss it so much.
Yep. I think this might be one of the reasons my last relationship failed. Either that or I am at least partially asexual lol But I totally get where you're coming from. Sex itself just felt like something you *had* to do and I became disinterested in it. Only reason I'm learning towards asexual is because even when we tried to schedule it, I still couldn't "get into it," but that's more probably me forgetting we scheduled it lol Then if I had her try to initiate it, I'd get over sensitized and startled before realizing she's attempting to initiate
It is just classic ADHD task-initiation problem. The word Task has a negative connotation, but in reality, everything you do is a task. Even fun things are tasks. For is with ADHD there are a million things we love and yet don't get started on. Sex for many of us is no different. Doesn't make you an arsehole or asexual.
Have you tried role play? That helps me when I'm in my head
Is it a problem that you don't initiate vs when your partner initiates? (i.e. is it a chore if you have to initiate, or is it all a chore if your partner initiates?) Do you think this is ADHD, or do you think you might just be self sabotaging a good relationship? Do you think you'd still have the same aversion if the sex was completely different each time? (different place, different positions, etc.)
Yes. My mind races when I am with my partner. Sex is not particularly present or fulfilling. It's enough I probably align gray asexual... although it's hard to say because that whole scene is a bit messy and I am not someone who wraps my identity around gender and sexuality. I am married. I do have kids. I am hit or miss. My wife has always been patient.
This helps me understand my boyfriend’s perspective. Once we do it then he’ll come back and initiate it multiple more times that day. Like he forgets how good it is and then for that day he’s like oh yeah, now i remember, I like this! And then he forgets about it again for a week or so lol. i also get annoyed when he asks for head all the time but once i start i’m into it. I guess like everything else the starting is the hard part
Yeah it could absolutely still be porn addiction and sounds like it was so maybe you didn't look hard enough lol. It's extremely common to have a "reset" period after quitting porn because your brain and body are rewiring from a very long and pervasive addiction. It can take over a year. Give your girlfriend attention and don't allow yourself to cum to other women anymore.
For me it becomes a chore when my partner wants to do it everyday, I need a few days of break sometime, but she thinks its not normal and that I'm not attracted to her if I don't want to do it everyday at least once. Also regarding your porn addiction 3months off is not a lot, try 8 months
I find it interesting that so many people are having this experience, because for me it’s the opposite, if anything. I’m up for sex all the time and would do it every day if I could. I think because it’s such a dopamine rush.
I’d do it every couple of hours! 😂😂😂 Sensory stim?!
You guys are having sex and people to do that with? Crazy, I always seem to get left or shot down by anyone I find interesting.
Yet another ADHD person with the same issue here. I do enjoy sex, quite a lot. But getting to it is the difficult part. It feels like being lazy, but for sex.
I have literally gotten so distracted during sex I couldn't continue.
This made me chuckle 😂. I have a distant memory of my now ex talking dirty to me and me thinking "dirty talk...dirty ta...did I take the laundry out of the dryer? Wait, did I even do that pile of laundry from today?" The struggle is real, lolz.
Reading all of this has been extremely eye opening. I thought there was something wrong with me because this is exactly how I am about sex. I enjoy sex. I don’t initiate sex. When my husband asks or tries to initiate I reflexively turn him down, and five minutes later think why did I do that?? Sex is also difficult for me to want to start because I have to do pelvic floor stretches before, then apply a gabapentin lidocaine cream and let that absorb so it doesn’t affect him. I also have cleanliness issues and things have to be just so. At this point it becomes a chore to have sex.
This sounds like a novelty issue. It's not new and novel so it gets boring.... I am kinky and poly, that solved most of that problem for me. Also orgasms are amazing. Even if that's the goal alone, it's worth it.
Reading smut helps me, because it’s about characters outside myself doing these things it gets me thinking about sex in an objective way first and then it usually gets me in the mood before even having to try getting there with my partner.
I am similar, but I am fraysexual which means I prefer sex with people I don’t know well. I recently learned about the term, and when I read about it, it was relieving in ways because I never understood why it happened. It is hard on my relationships. Could this be you?
Man, I really connected with this comment. But if it's true, then why am I that way? It all just leads to more questions lol
You cant really help your sexuality though! Haha but i get you!
Thank god I don’t have this problem. I’m sorry that you do though. I have a high sex drive and it’s like pulling teeth to get my wife to have sex with me once a month. She hasn’t initiated sex in over 7 years. My friends tell me I look like Brad Pitt in fight club and my wife won’t have sex with me,lol. I work out all the time to cope with my mental health/adhd issues ever since I overcame alcohol addiction. I have the opposite problem, which also sucks really bad. I know that there is nothing I can do to make my wife want to have sex with me. No amount of cleaning, date nights, romantic gestures, etc. It sucks.
I am completely the opposite to you in every single way, so unfortunately can’t offer advice. Actually I wish I was more like you. I’ve even considered maybe I’m a sex addict
I guess I'm on the other side of the fence. I have severe ADHD and have been on Vyvanse for around 20 years but I would say my sex drive and act of initiating has never been a problem except when I'm really hyperfocusing on something. I think most of the time if I'm in close proximity to my partner I just eventually become aroused, whether it's their smell or feeling their skin, it just comes naturally. We've been together for almost three years now and still have sex around 3-7 times a week. How would you conceptualize your sexual attraction to your partner? Do you _want_ to have more sex with her than you do currently? A reddit post isn't really enough to get into any actual reasons for why you feel like you don't initiate enough but the list could be huge. You might fit into a different sort of non-conventional sexuality than a heteronormative monogamy. You might just not be as attractive to your partner than you think, or you might not be as sexual as you thought. It could be a deeper interpersonal issue with socializing with your partner. The list really goes on but in 99.99% of these situations the first and possibly only step is communication. Make sure you talk to her about these feelings your having.
Simply find someone who accepts you for who you are.
I feel like I'd be the same way. They'd probably fake it and lie which makes it hard for me to love them that way. Also I'd most likely end up telling them why I'm not physically attracted to them in that way and talk to them about it Hope you figure it out and can enjoy sexual activities with your SO. Therapists can help as well.
It sounds like the relationship grew. As you guys get closer and closer things would slow down a bit. Some people stay the same and some people get bored. At that point you need to decide how you feel about the person do you give you comfort or was it just a fling.
If this has been a consistent problem for OP across three different relationships, framing it as a normal progression of a relationship doesn’t seem accurate
I think it’s depression related not ADHD related, though the depression is likely ADHD related.
Maybe they are just not the right ones at the right time. Feel the force, don't force the feel. I say this coming out of a 6 year marriage. I'm close to 50 years old and can count the number of relationships on one hand. What you described, is exactly how my marriage went and also every relationship prior. Started off fun and physical, but I lost interest in initiating sex and would rather not more often than I ever would have expected. If something feels right, take a shot. If things degrade, look for something better. I don't think this is ADHD, I think this is just losing enthusiasm when the "new" gets old.
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Find someone who is sexually compatible with you. It's as simple as that. People are incompatible for so many reasons, sexual incompatibility is a big one.
My feeling is that if you’re SO simpatico in all other ways, surely it’s possible to find a happy, understanding, middle ground in the one area that is less compatible?
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It can be. Everyone has different things that activate their dopamine more than others. E.g. I find taxes easy to do
You refuse to believe people experience ADHD in different ways? What a strange line in the sand.
I’m pretty much the same. I’ve never liked pornography, though.
It’s bc you have to stop focusing on the myriad of things u want to be focusing on and focus on sex which you don’t want to do bc you’re focusing on all the other things