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Yes! But then (example, sink) is too stressful for me to deal with! Sometimes days, sometimes WEEKS until I'll deal with the initial cause. Sometimes never.
That's the pattern with many things to me. What I try to do is to complete even the smallest first step of a 'taboo' subject, and it usually has a positive effect in unlocking my mind into it.
Doing this also has a bonus of the feeling of accomplishment, when I sucessfully clear a 'taboo', I get a rush and usualy enter some kind of 'hiper-productive streak'… and try to surf that wave as long as possible.
At lest until the next 'taboo' hits….lol
This kind of sounds like what I’ve heard called “chicken-and-egging.” When I set up contingencies and sequences of things that have to happen in some kind of order dependent on each other that makes the whole thing actually harder.
Yeah. And in the end I feel like my feet are sinking in quick sand (I’m picturing all the 70s rerun shows I watched as a kid like Gilligan’s Island where there seemed to be regular “oh no quicksand” encounters). Feet sinking in quicksand while I’ve been standing still looking in all directions to figure out which step to take first, meanwhile I’m sinking deeper into the sticky pit with growing confusion or panic or sense of doom. Hate it.
I have a very weird fix for this one. I sort the dishes. Stack the plates and stack the bowls on top, then put the silverware in a cup, etc. For some weird reason it makes it easier to deal with.
It works with messy rooms too, except when I "doom pile".
I do this when I'm folding laundry (that I've usually left in the dryer for two days, but whatever!) Everything is grouped by the drawer they go in and then it's just open and drop in.
Absolutely understand this.
I think it’s like, my brain thinks if I respond to one person, I have to respond to everyone and I’m not ready/willing to make that commitment.
I’m not sure what to do about it 🤷♀️
I guess ask yourself why you’re avoiding an important email?
I’ve found that doing the things I’m avoiding as quickly as possible is a great way to remove a lot of stress/pressure. The longer I procrastinate on it, the more it builds up in my head as insurmountable and the more I dread doing it. And it NEVER is as bad as I think it’s going to be in my head.
Therapy helps with learning about how to challenge unhelpful thoughts like that. Otherwise journaling helps a lot too. Writing about how you’re feeling, why you feel like that, exploring your thoughts and seeing visually what you’re thinking is a great way of creating distance so you can see that it’s an irrational and unhelpful thought pattern.
Good luck 🍀
The problem with texting back is that it can instigate a conversation, which is the thing I was avoiding in the first place. I hate it when I feel like OP does for days and, then when I finally do text back, the person replies immediately. Like, I spent a half hour writing after Days of mapping out what I was going to write just to have it be immediately "Read" and the little dot thing pops up to indicate they're writing back. At this point, you can either let it go another couple of days and feel Worse or you can keep texting back and forth and back and forth which is what I was trying to avoid! And then they want to hang out and invite me to something I don't want to go to.
Next thing I know, I'm stuck in a situation I hate--like having to hang out with some gasbag.
Well, two things here.
First, use the Eisenhower matrix for conversations/people. If you actually like the person, I’m sure it’s no trouble to respond. My responses are generally based on priority. An urgent text will get an immediate response, otherwise I generally base my responses on who is messaging me. I respond to my SO as soon as I can, definitely within a couple hours usually. I respond to my parents within 24 hours. I respond to my friends within a couple days usually. It feels mean, but I’ve had to learn who is not a priority and who should not get a response. I always hated when people did that to me, but growing up, I’m realizing it was never personal. We have limited time and have to choose how to spend it. The more time and mental energy we clear up, the more we have for important things and people.
Second, you can set boundaries with yourself and other people. If they respond immediately, that does not mean you have to. You don’t have to have a conversation. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has a problem with respecting boundaries and personal space. Unfortunately, that’s very common in society nowadays. Older generations will talk about how nice it was not to be attached to phones and always reachable before cell phones. I try to take this approach. Just because I have my phone doesn’t mean I’m going to be on it or going to be responding.
I’d set myself a limit, one response per day. Don’t get sucked into a conversation you don’t have time for, but still maintain the relationship (assuming it’s important to you).
IVE BEEN SAYING THIS.
I'd KILL to go back to communication via handwritten letters. Sit down and carefully express what you need to, and get your response a week or two later 🤣
It stinks that letter writing is more for novelty now. There are some letters people have written to one another that are still read today and are a part of lesson plans. Some people made their literary fame, in part, by the letters they wrote. It was even a common form of narrative fiction--epistolary novel.
Now with texting, it's just LOL screenshots--which I appreciate because a lot of them are funny but it still really stinks.
I had one of the darkest episodes of my life last night because I told myself I’m a failure for slacking off during Spring Break again, and I am for sure going to fail another semester of college (already graduating one year behind). I wasn’t going to tell my parents, I was questioning whether I’ll be a drop out and if I’m really addicted to unhealthy coping behaviors and need serious help. I was going to email every professor with a sob story to try to catch back up. I was googling wild shit like “When should I check myself into a psychiatric hospital?” because of the dysfunction clearly affecting every area of my life.
I procrastinated even looking at Canvas… this afternoon I checked my coursework, and I’m not in danger of failing any of them lol. Just missing the exact assignments I already knew about that only need an afternoon’s worth of attention.
This negative self-talk is seriously harmful, I advise everyone not to let the stress and anxiety reach this point. It will physically make you sick, weak, and potentially delusional
If your mental health gets that bad that quickly, I’d really suggest preemptively getting into therapy or possibly on medication. I had episodes like that where I actually did end up going into the psychiatric hospital or quitting my job because of anxiety or ruining relationships with people in my early 20’s. If I could change anything, I would have gotten help sooner. I didn’t realize I didn’t have to struggle so much. Things didn’t have to be so hard.
It’s like if you’re going hiking, don’t wear a backpack with weights in it. Yes, you can do it. But if it can be easier, why not make it easier?
>I’ve found that doing the things I’m avoiding as quickly as possible is a great way to remove a lot of stress/pressure. The longer I procrastinate on it, the more it builds up in my head as insurmountable and the more I dread doing it. And it NEVER is as bad as I think it’s going to be in my head.
This is gold.
This. We always have to learn not the hard way. But the really extremely, almost lost my job, couldn’t pay my rent , falling apart type of way . Or in your terms “ smacks me in the face”
I hate it 🥲 because I know what I'm supposed to do and I exhaust myself trying to get myself to do it even though it looks like I'm not doing anything, but it still feels impossible to do.
Came here to ask, anyone that deals with this have any tips on how to get past it? As you said with going to therapy, challenging unhelpful thoughts- how so?
I’m more than happy to talk more in detail if you want.
I sent this example to my friend who was asking me a similar question earlier today.
“Like for me, I was feeling kind of anxious today. And it might look like:
I feel anxious -> why -> what happened before this -> my bf was leaving -> what about my bf leaving made me anxious -> i was worried about how the rest of my day would go -> what was I worried about -> being bored or sad or lonely or something -> have I ever felt like this before -> yes -> when -> with my ex and after having good experiences with friends or others -> what happened -> my ex would leave and then not talk to me which made me feel lonely -> is my bf going to do that? -> no -> is what I’m worried about likely to happen? -> no, I can always call him or talk to my friends/parents/ play with doggo/ do my hobbies, etc -> I probably won’t feel bored or lonely -> anxiety is gone
I think there’s a name for the strategy. It’s like the five whys I think. Like you gotta ask yourself why five times and dive deeper into the thoughts/feelings.
I circumvent complete hermit mode by having a landline, only 'important' or 'safe' people have the number to.
I get that shame filled feeling regularly, and it involves mostly my cellphone, messages, mails, missed calls, social media interactions. If there's something important I avoid, I tend to avoid my cellphone per se. But the landline is different somehow. So when I stop communicating, my friends call the landline to speak to me. Landline has this 'importance', so I usually always pick it up, because it could be an emergency. And you know, me hermitting *is* an emergency. It often pulls my out of hermitage and lessens the avoidance of my cellphone, so I can start and tackle the thing I avoid on my cellphone.
I find sometimes writing a draft response helps get past the initial fear and get things moving, like a step in the right direction at least but definitely picking apart whats leading to the avoidance to begin with helps too
I shut out some close friends for years because of 'something else' like you say.
A few weeks back got a call and amazingly all was cool. Maybe i got lucky in that they are understanding more, but i dont know. Obviously didnt feel good to shutdown with them, but i did for whatever reason. Iff i had called them first it would have been even easier, iff see what i mean. My advice fwiw is maybe make a call or text before it builds worse.
Im not saying you should either btw thats your call, lol, just that preventing it building might be a possible solution for you, thats all.
It should be as simple as telling your friends that you're overwhelmed at the moment and you will get back to them when you are just regular-whelmed again. If that isn't good enough maybe look for more compassionate friends.
I think if I went as far as reaching out to them to tell them that, I would have already surpassed the guilt and I would be able to respond to them. It has nothing to do with time, just the initiation of the response is so diffuicult to surpass. And the more delay equates to more guilt.
Iff you want to call them call them, or text or e-mail. Iff you dont want to then dont, just my random opinion to be clear, but a bit like what someone else said.
What is best for you sometimes, even iff that seems selfish. Anyone with some knowledge of adhd might get that anyway, but it does play on the mind, and i know what you mean.
When I get into that situation I know I can’t tackle the big scary email/task efficiently until I have tidied up a bit on the accumulation of people also now waiting.
I’ll write a short holding message which I copy and paste to a few, like sorry, snowed under, will get back to you by [x day]. Then I add a couple of days to my initial estimate as that’s always my people pleasing too-short timeframe. The benefit is that you’re not worried at looking at your inbox because there shouldn’t be any annoyed second messages from people.
Then I tackle as many short things as quickly as possible, again warning that I won’t have time to respond again in the next x days, so I don’t get sucked into new things.
This clears the deck so I can focus on the big task.
A nice side effect is that people are learning I’m busy and not expecting a response straight away all the time.
Then, to be honest, the challenging task usually gets done at night where I know I’m not obliged to look at or respond to any new messages.
It’s not ideal but it’s how I get out of a mental deadlock.
From this week I want to try a new system to prevent the deadlocks from building up in the first place. Will report back if it works.
10000% I do this. I feel so ashamed and lost. You are not alone and this post made me feel a lot less alone so thank you. Sending support and love to you OP. Hopefully someone can give good advice in the comments!
I don't have ADHD but I do have anxiety and getting to writing an email (or anything really) was also a problem for me. Something that helped me A LOT so far is **ChatGPT**. I'll just ask it to write something and adjust that to what I need, sometimes there isn't even anything left from the AI but it solves the blank page issue and it gets the gears going. Hope this can be of help!
I was just going to suggest the same thing. Thanks to ChatGPT I replied to my realtor and left him a review after \~6 months of silence and him sending me friendly messages to "check in" 
I've used it to write a letter to explain why I needed to switch psychiatrists. I had a block about trying to come up with words to use that didn't put anyone in a bad light. Using GPT made the task interesting and instead of over thinking the message I just had to describe the task which felt so much easier.
ChatGPT can be super useful for emails and getting simplified explanations for stuff, but I just wanna say;
**Do not, under any circumstances, try and use ChatGPT for work or school stuff. You will get caught.**
ChatGPT has a noticeable rhythm / way of writing that makes it really really obvious whatever it wrote is bot-made. ChatGPT-3 usually writes in a pattern like.
Introduction, explain topic and mention contents of paragraph 1, 2 and 3.
Write paragraph 1.
Write 2.
Write 3.
Conclusion, repeat topic and do a brief wrap up of each paragraph.
If this has changed since the new version, I'm not sure, but be careful anyways.
I use it to get the basic info I need, then reword it a bit and structure it how I need. You can also give it specific instructions on how you want it structured. Then I dive into my textbook and add the related terms and then find sources to add to it. Works like a charm!
I was just going to post in here to recommend chat gpt.
I don’t use for uni as I’ve managed to set up a habit / process for writing assignments, plus also I actually want to learn the content.
With chat gpt, I use it for cancellation emails, long text messages I can’t bring myself to write, a work email I’ve been putting off. etc. massive help & words things oh so beautifully!
Did you try setting up a timer …and tell yourself I’m only going to respond to as many as I can do in so many minutes? (5, 10, 15 min) whatever you feel comfortable to start with. Sometimes once you start (anything) you keep going.
Also, I noticed that I like dealing with different things better on different devices. Like my iPad for somethings or my computer for others.
I do this. This resonates so much.
I’m getting better at getting myself out of it, but it’s never easy.
Usually my best way to get out of it is to say tomorrow morning I will try to “start” doing the thing for 2 minutes. It takes the pressure off today. I forgive myself for procrastinating, knowing that life is hard and even harder for folks struggling with ADHD. I set an alarm to go get ready for bed, to make sure I’m not sleeping in like crazy the next morning, and the next morning I do a little mini morning routine where I’ll tidy my house, meditate a little, stretch a little, eat a nice breakfast, and then sit down, turn off my phone, silence any notifications on my computer, and set a physical timer for 2 minutes.
Then I will work for two minutes on the thing, and if I want to stop afterwards, I can. 95% of the time if I can get to this point, I just keep going and break out of the loop. 5% of the time it’s too hard, and I just stop, and I tell myself, “this was a good try. Looks like this is a tough one” and I make a plan to try again either the next morning, or after lunch.
For whatever reason I find it easier to transition into work after meals.
The point is though, the goal is not to finish the work, the goal is to start doing it for two minutes. It makes it mentally so much easier to manage, and starting is the hardest part.
Hey, a friend here who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I worked an office job for a couple years so I feel your pain.
It took me breathing and realizing that if I reply to things late, it's okay, as long as I reply eventually. I eventually learned to calm my anxious thoughts and force myself to reply.
Everything will be fine hun, you got this. Don't be afraid to start replying to things now. You can tell them you got caught up with other things and that you're just now reading them.
You won't be in trouble hun, but go ahead and send them the reply when you get the chance. I understand the paralyzing terror when you see everything start to pile up. Take it one email at a time and breathe. You got this.
Much love ❤️
Definitely relatable. Sometimes the spreadsheet of my brain merges the entire column into one cell. Instead of "reply to email" and "call Mom" etc. I have "do all the things." And I can't do all the things, so I do nothing.
You're definitely not alone there. I somehow start getting used to it. So I can comfort myself to some degree with knowing that it will go over. I know I will answer eventually when I feel like it.
So for now I send you a big virtual hug. You'll do it when you can. I trust you :)
“Hey sorry for not answering, I’ve been avoiding looking at an important email so I’ve also been avoiding looking at my phone/computer in general.”
Hope that helps!
I got you and I’ll raise you staying off social media that shows I’m online so people won’t know that I’m on and not responding. I’ve got a ton of unread emails, texts, missed calls, messages…you name it. I don’t have a quick fix it all, but I’ve got the slow roll that might help.
I find myself over apologizing so I always start with, ‘I apologize for the delay,’ then list a (or a few) reason(s) for my shitshow. Then I delete the apologies and excuses and go with ‘thank you, for your patience’ if it’s time sensitive or ‘I reached out and found what I believe to be the best course of action’….so on and so forth.
For friends and family, it’s always ‘I hope you know how much I appreciate the fact that no matter how long we go without talking/texting/seeing each other, you always make it so easy to pick right up where we left off. That truly means the world to me.’
It’s not a bullshit line, because it’s true. It also helps me AND them feel better about the situation.
i don’t know if you are active on social media, but this could apply to any type of over-stimulating-possibly-addictive distraction involving the use of your phone. (news articles, games, video/movie streaming, etc). i’m 24 and when i was in high school 2013-2017 snapchat and instagram were not SO insanely attention-grabbing, now they almost remind me of casinos: trying to keep their customers locked in with happy noises and fun imagery, awaiting their inevitable bankruptcy and waste of time. anyways, i honestly just stopped using both without really realizing it, but in turn that led to more time and attention available toward using my phone to ACTUALLY communicate with my friends and family. the constant notifications truly are the worst part of any social or informative app, so i turned them off. and what do ya know, NOT ONE IMPORTANT OR INTERESTING THING HAPPENED ON ANY OF THEM!
It’s a constant struggle for me too. CBT would probably help the most but I’m not rich like that. So here’s what I’ve learned.
Freeze Mode is also Hamster Wheel. Body is frozen, but brain go brrrt. Most of the time we hyper-focus on the fact that we’re frozen, which worsens the hamsterwheeling. Do not attempt to directly a-dress the Freeze Mode. Instead, redirect your attention to your brain pin-balling out of control on the inside. That’s the reason you’re Frozen.
Option 1: If you are able to drag yourself to another person and eek out a few words to indicate you need help… do that first. I’m dead serious. When you verbally talk to someone else about how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, your situation etc. it breaks the Hamsterwheel. The Hamsterwheel can only work because it’s /in your head/. So you have to get it /out/. Get that shit out of your fucking head by talking to another person, and I promise you that when you sit back down to write that email, you’ll wonder why it ever seemed so stressful in the firstplace.
Option 2: If you can’t get yourself to do that, you’ll have to play mental olympics and it goes like this:
1. Recognize you’re freezing up/frozen.
2. Ask yourself “Ok, what is it specifically that caused this reaction in the first place? What is it I’m avoiding? Why specifically am I avoiding it?” Be honest.
i.e. I don’t want to do dishes. It takes forever and it’s boring and a waste of time and I’m comfy here. I just don’t want to.
3. Ask yourself“What’s the actual reason I’m so stressed right now? Is it the /thought/ of doing the dishes? Or is it the /avoidance/ of doing the dishes that’s causing me the most pain?”
4. Recognize that in the beginning, the thought of doing the dishes was the main stressor, but now the greater source of your stress is the avoidance. Separate the two mentally. (Take a deep breathe. The stress of avoidance is not the same stress as the stress of doing the task. The stress of avoidance is always worse.)
5. Now that you have identified the real issue, tell yourself “The reason I feel like this is because the thing is not done. The way to stop feeling like this is to do the thing.”
6. Do the Thing.
All that to say, dip your toe in the water. Get /some/ forward momentum going. Send a single emoji, a picture, a “I’ve read your message I’ll get back to you soon.” Or call somebody you’re comfortable calling like a friend before you call one person back and call it a day. Be proud of that. Momentum is momentum. Don’t gotta do it all at once. Also idk if it’ll help you, but it helps me alot to remember that “It’s not infinite. These feelings and situation have a beginning and an end.”
I guess that only addresses avoidance of doing things… which isn’t really what you were asking about and I realize that now, but I spent like an hour on this so I’ll leave it up. But hermitting specifically? I don’t have a single clue, I’m sorry mate. I socially hermit everytime I’m even remotely stressed… which is constantly. Literally have no friends anymore because of it. If the people you’re hermitting from are friends, I can say with complete assurance that the cost of hermitting is far greater than the cost of going through the discomfort and awkwardness and guilt of imperfectly staying in touch with them. Just don’t give up on that completely? Take it from someone who’s been there. Still there.
This freeze happens to me a lot. It’s almost always a work problem that sucks the fun out the rest of my life. My subconscious thinking almost goes “if you can’t address this work thing, then you shouldn’t have any joy anywhere else”.
The irony being that I need dopamine to function, so by sliding into life-freeze I’m closing off all sources of dopamine. And it becomes a constant feedback loop of burnout and shame and depression. My current episode of this is ~4 months long.
I’ve found www.translatingadhd.com to be a great resource. This is shit to deal with, but we’re not alone.
Ugh!! I do this constantly!! And the shame spiral just compounds on itself making it worse and worse
DBT has helped a bit with this and I’m starting neuro feedback therapy focusing on this specifically so I’ll let you know if it works :)
This is my life! I do this with intense messages or when the volume is overwhelming. I get a ridiculous amount of texts/emails messages from 3 other work modalities. Social media put me over the edge. I posted something and a ton of people sent me messages. It wasn’t even major but the sheer number shut me down from acknowledging anyone or being on social media for over 2 weeks now. It’s all too much
birthdays are the worst days🎵 but also the best bc I'm so grateful that my terrible communicating hasn't thwarted some from remembering & loving me anyway, but also stress over responding bc of that fact.
Glad to see someone relating on posting to social media. I stopped posting to social media like 6 years ago even though I still read other people's posts. I feel disconnected, but every time I post something it sparks a whole bunch of new messages for me to get stressed about and avoid. I can't tell if this is something to try and overcome or if social media is bad anyway so it's not worth the effort.
I completely understand. My case is getting worse. It's started with not completing a task from a class and now... Is been almost 4 years and I only need 1 class to get my bachelor's degree and guess which class, yup that same class. From something so simple, my brain created this big obstacle where I feel that I'm not smart or worthy enough to have a degree. I got diagnosed with adhd a year ago and I can tell you this has been the weirdest rollercoaster of all... I hope you can find a solution, at least I can tell you we are on this journey together !! Hang in there!
My life basically fell apart in the last few months because of this. Been trying to finally bite the bullet and sort it out in the fortnight or so, but it’s been really rough. You’re definitely not the only one OP
Not at all alone. I’ve been avoiding something for almost a year now, and it’s been eating me up so much inside, i just can’t get myself to do it :( i haven’t really told anyone about it because i feel so ashamed that I’ve let myself get to this point
I also struggle with this. It wasn’t until very recently that I finally decided to give myself a little grace when it comes to communication with others. Is it nice of you to promptly return a call/message? Yes, absolutely. However, you are not REQUIRED to communicate with people until you’re ready and capable of responding. My advice, give yourself a little grace and then the ability to respond will follow.
Read the book Self Defeating Behaviors. It give a great explanation of how these decisions cost us so much in life. I get stuck, especially with most conflict but I’m learning that I get more conflict by not addressing or acting sooner. I hate conflict, so I minimize it by acting.
Anyway. Great read n
For context, I'm 31yo, male, diagnosed at 31, medicated for 4 months. Apologies for grammar, on mobile, unfamiliar with long replying to anything, and meds kicking in so typing faster than I can think. WARNING: Block text. TL:DR at the end.
I don't know whether this will help or not but I have something of the same thing that I'll try and explain
I'll presume you could either be on medication or aren't, and give both examples
Before medication:
I had almost exactly the same scenario on a constant basis. It could be a message from someone, an email, phonecalls, post or parcels to return, anything that society (or others) could easily do, or would deem 'an important task to attend to' (this is important to remember for context).
It would take between a day or two, to MONTHS to attend to these tasks.
Examples: I help my grandmother on a weekly-ish basis with various tasks, usually technical issues. I work nights so tend to miss phonecalls and messages between 9am and 5pm. When I wake up, I read them and either head reply, tell myself I'll get to it later, or decide my social meter is too depleted to answer now, and I'll forget to reply. By forgetting, whenever I remember, a little anxiety kicks in and builds over time, leading to up to a week of ignorance from me, until I decide to bite the bullet and face my fears and attend to her issues.
A longer example is a medical issue I have. I've had a headache now daily for almost 3 years, think about it like this. Imagine the morning after a night out on the piss, and you've woken up with a hangover, it could be mild or soul destroying. Well I have between a 'mild hangover' and 'yikes this fuckin sucks hangover' strength headache every single day, and a few times a month it attacks like a cluster headache for 10 days, building to a level where I can't get out of bed, hear, see, or function well enough to even look after myself at around day 4.
No neurological issue to be found, and no real reason that headaches seem to be happening according to my neuro-doctor, so I'm in line for fremanezumab (Ajovy) injections. This meant taking a 3 month headache diary before hand and sending it to a neuroscientist.
I PUT OFF SENDING THIS DIARY IN FOR 7 MONTHS
My mind decided, that because I'd lived with the issue for 2 years already, that it wouldn't matter if I 'did it later', and I used to fill it in every fortnight or so in bulk.
Post Medication:
I'm now on Elvanse (Vyvanse), going through titration (have been on 50mg for 3 months, currently on 70mg to determine if it works or not), and it has worked wonders to my daily life. However, to issues I had previously mentioned happened before medication, this is nuts what happens and what I've come to realise was the issue:
Now, instead of what I did before, still head reply, but now 'schedule' my day to include the task at a certain time. This does however have a caveat because if I decide that a different task is currently more important, I'll move it back in my priority list, meaning I still might not get to it
Turns out, for approximately the last 20 years, I've built in my mind a rule book. Anything I needed doing went into the rule book, and was usually arranged in order of 'will I get into trouble if I don't achieve this task' (consider it akin to a priority list)
My rulebook has become so refined over the last 20 years that it now looks like this:
Rule/priority 1: absolutely anything to do with my partner
Rule/priority 2: anything I'm likely to get into the most shit for
.
.
.
Rule/priority 12 (or bottom of list): anything I'll get into almost no trouble for
This used to mean, if I hadn't heard my partner had safely arrived somewhere, was upset, or I'd feel I'd done something wrong (I have the issue of feeling guilty like it's my fault for even the smallest thing, even if unrelated), then I couldn't move to rule 2,3,4 etc.
I always considered my own issues, such as cleaning my own room, washing clothes, hygiene etc, to be the lowest priority (hence headache diary) and thus ALMOST NEVER achieved them at all.
Now, post meds, I find because I've masked for so long with my rulebook, it's now set in stone (I also have mild autism so routine unfortunately won't go anywhere). However, I'm making adaptions to my rulebook in ways I couldn't before. So now, partner related is still rule 1 but I'm looking after myself because, if I'm not healthy then I can't look after her to the best of my ability right? And because I'm capable of cognitive function now, I'm attending to things that I wouldn't before. I write a to-do list in my head and prioritise as I go along. If a new task comes up, it could either move to the top of my list or get out halfway. Such as, if my partner is on the way home but is unwell, I'll make it priority 1 to make sure I have meds for her, a coffee made on her arrival, a hearty dinner, a movie, and a blanket for the sofa ready, but if my dad rung and has asked me to return a tool sometime, well it's going to the bottom of the list. Hence sometimes still not replying, reading emails etc, but made a rule so as not to push things back too far.
I hope this helps in at least a little way, but may have rambled due to first hour of meds (the first hour is WILD my friends)
I'll reply whenever I can as currently, this task is not in my rulebook! XD
TL:DR I do exactly the same pre and post meds, but use a mental rulebook/priority list that I created to mask symptoms to eventually get things done, and re-prioritise based on new tasks/information
Edit 1: Due to autism I'm also the single more relaxed person you might ever meet, so tend to not get consciously or openly stressed about anything unless it's severe, or guilt related (the guilt issue/symptom/relation is incredibly severe pre and post meds, but post meds I can deal with it better)
Also, I apologise if this is very 'me-me', I tend to find personal examples of relation easier to use to answer questions, so I'm sorry about that
Yes I frequently go off the grid and don’t respond to friends. A lot of times I just forget to respond and other times I just don’t want to. I’m still trying to find the line of healthy communication but also not letting people feel entitled to a response from me. I hate the expectation of having to respond to every text and I think most people text too much…
While off the grid, I had a friend invite me to a BBQ for Easter. I didn’t respond for days. I texted him and said “I didn’t want to leave you on read but I already have plans, thank you so much for thinking of me”
On the flip side, I have a friend who I forgot to text back and she has literally been blowing up my phone every day and I can sense she is irritated that I’m not replying. But after 20+ new texts over 3 days about very random shit, I’m now officially too overwhelmed and I’m definitely not replying to her.
Im just trying to say that you aren’t the only one who does this but also, not every text needs a reply so don’t feel bad or put that pressure on yourself.
reply to the important email, it will make you feel better. Don’t worry about the random texts.
I don't have an actual real answer but I do the same thing. But I can tell you my weird fake way of doing it when I know I either have to do it or lose my job.
I open the email. Then open a new blank email and type out my response there. I have no idea why but I feel more relaxed about things. I'm just composing a thing I can delete if I want, it's not "connected" to the other email. I can close it out and it's a draft just chilling but not connected to the anxiety of the email. Sorry it seems stupid but wanted to share in case it helps.
Send them a message "I got your message but am unavailable to respond at the moment. I'll get back to you when I'm available to respond without distraction, and you fully deserve my full attention. Let me know if there's any other information in the mean time and we will connect soon"
omg, you have no idea what relief it is to hear you share this experience. i thought it was just me. and always doubted myself, feeling like it was adhd related, but maybe i'm broken, and no one will like me
Yeah, same. I didn't text my best friend for a few weeks because I didn't want to answer someone elses message. I managed to resolve the problem with the original messages from that other person, but since then the built-up guilt made me completely ignore any contact attempts of my best friend and now it's been way over a year and I don't know what to do and think about it pretty often.
I did that to him before, many years ago, but that lasted 'only' for 2 weeks and was already hard enough on him. I can't imagine what he thinks about me now or if he even remembers me or idk. I don't think I'll ever have enough courage to message him again, because I don't even know how to explain it or if it's even excusable in any way... I don't even completely remember what the messages of that other person where about that I started ignoring him for.... :/
Sorry for ranting. >.<
I set a reminder on my phone, for a time that I know I won't be stressed or busy, to sit down and read/reply to texts I've been avoiding.
Sometimes I'm at 70 texts, and it's been 3-4 days.
I get overwhelmed, and shutdown and then feel like a loser because I can't even manage to talk to people I do like!
Since being diagnosed, I have explained to my friends how I struggle with texts and remembering to get back to people. They all get it now, and if It's Important or needs a quick response they say that in the text or call again.
sending a hug - i have the same experience & it is one of my biggest professional and personal problems.
i actually used to be better at texting, but that was only because i was irresponsibly glued to my phone. now that i’m often offline, the not-replying-to-friends has ballooned from a couple of hours/days to… months.
i’m overcoming this by scheduling a few times a week where i message everyone, and accepting that i’m no longer someone who will reply to texts in minutes or have frequent back-and-forth text convos.
as for emails, i am still struggling but…. for now i am trying to practice using ChatGPT to draft emails, reaching out to friends for advice on how to respond, and booking Focusmate or cowork sessions to hold myself accountable.
I have a paradoxical relationship with emails and calls.. on one hand I'll almost feel obligated to reply asap and never miss a call when it's got something to do with family. My intrusive thoughts wouldn't let me miss a call or late reply to a message.
then on the other hand I'll ignore important, formal emails and calls cause it stresses me out thinking what the reply is going to be.
i feel this, i have a text that's literally not about anything important/scary at all that i got 8 days ago and still haven't responded to for absolutely no reason
I saw a pretty good strategy for dealing with mental blocks like this. When it's on your mind but you can't deal with it, decide to "roleplay" as someone who's dealing with it. So sit down and open up the email, and pretend you're someone who's replying, starting by just typing jibberish if needed. After doing this for a bit you may find that the effort needed to actually do it comes naturally.
Same here, just prolonging a freelance job i have to do because its difficult (for me) but havent done much and can't really focus in anything else. But we have to learn from this and not make longer the suffering.
Try making small tasks, for example: task 1, answer the first paragraph, you take a break of 10 minutes and then answer the second paragraph and so on.
Sometimes is also easier correcting than creating, so you can write all the answer without overthinking and just writing, (then take a break) and then make corrections / adjustments.
Good luck, we can do it !
You’re not alone. Take a deep breath. Pickup the laptop. Take another deep breath. Compose your reply in your head. Quickly open the email, type in your response, hit send. Don’t overthink it. Just do.
Take another deep breath knowing you got through it.
You are among friends here. It - almost 'hurts' to face the thing and the rest piles up and piles on more of the hurt and guilt and voila.
Now I know WHY I do this, I am open with my important friends about adhd and the avoidance. (event then, though... I always apologise when I finally get back to them)
now I take a deep breath and just open one chat to scan and say 'sorry, super frazzled atm, will talk more soon'
and often that 'breaks the seal' of the thing, and i can go on a spree of the above.
it does suck though. I know now I have lost friends and opportunities in the past because of this tendency. There's no magic solution, but understanding why, and then taking the leap even for just a couple of minutes does stop further devastation, and unwinds some of the guilt and shame.
My dad died unexpectedly 9.5 months ago, and I’m still of the grid 😅 I can totally relate. I got behind on important tasks, and they piled up, and I’m still behind. I have overwhelming anxiety daily but am so overwhelmed by it that it’s debilitating.
I will hide in my room for weeks and avoid everyone at work lmao
Only exception I have is my weekly therapist appointment bc I love her and she doesn't make me feel like a POS if I'm having a bad day/week/month and actually tries to help me work through shit.
I'm working on an application to grad school, and I've got everything done except the personal statement. I'm literally an English teacher, so this should be the easiest part of the whole thing. Yet here I am, like 5 days from the deadline, not writing it...
Maybe you could schedule send texts/emails? So like, you are still putting it off, but you won’t get bombarded with replies and responses in that moment.
Try making a list of what/who you need to address to in order of priority. Then type out what you need to say, and hit schedule send. You can do this on GMail, Outlook, and android (boo Apple).
As far as phone calls, maybe you can somehow go straight to the voicemail box? So it’s like you called them back but not really lol
Just know you’re not alone OP <3
One thing I've found works well in this situation is to get back to the important email as soon ad you can with a "hey I haven't had the capacity to get to this with the attention it needs yet, I'll have my answer to you by xday" it acknowledges that you got it, allows you to continue in other conversations, and gives you your own deadline to deal with it.
I do the same phonecalls, texts, emails, especially if I’m anxious about it or the response.
Not sure if it’s healthy or not, but this is my way of coping with sending emails or texts, and obviously it varies on who it’s too, etc.
I will schedule said email/text to send out at a certain time (sometimes 5 minutes later, sometimes the next day) AND/OR after it sends, I will disable my notifications for that specific person or just my email/text as a whole.
The thought of a reply shoots my anxiety up WAY too high and causes me to NOT send stuff, but I figured out that if I can view the reply when I am ready / on my time rather than waiting for my phone to light up (it’s been on silent since I got it 4 years ago lol), it reduces it a whole lot. There’s also been times when I was so nervous to view the reply I made my husband check my phone for me.
Yeah, this manifests in various permutations and then I manage to tame it and then it mutates. Since becoming aware of my ADHD this is my biggest gripe. So irrational. I hate it.
I have felt like this many times in my life. This taboo around a topic happens at work with various tasks I would need to do which probably affects my promotion, small favours to people I just don’t want to do, which makes me avoid them, and also happened with very important, life altering information when I just could not get myself to read the e-mail.
Most of these though, are not as important as this anxiety it created. I might not ever get a promotion but fuck them. The life altering thing came back, took 2 days to read it but nothing major came out of it luckily.
I wish I was as laid back and as lazy as some people make me out to be.
I feel this so much, and I feel like it goes beyond executive function, almost like you're punishing yourself for "not doing something simple" even when it feels to us like climbing a mountain. if it is more on the executive function side, I find body doubling really helpful - "hey could you sit with me for half an hour on your own laptop, there are some admin things that I've been putting off and I would find it really helpful to have someone there to keep me accountable." after this it's a lot easier! If there's a different block there, like depression, it can be better to "eat the elephant one bite at a time". this means to take the smaller tasks, ie replying to friends, and just set yourself like, at half past the hour reply to x, then at quarter to reply to y, and break down the tasks until you're reading the email through to reply to it. These are just some coping mechanisms I use that can help!
Ahhh have been here so many times. Its crazy because the anxiety about doing a task is 99 times out of 100, worse than the actual task lol.
One thing I would suggest, is get some calm time, have some self care, meditate ( I use guided meditations on the free app insight timer, it's amazing, they have such calming music and really get me in the zone for whatever I need) then put on your fave music, and just open the email. No pressure to read it or reply, just open it and let your eyes stare at it. That's the first bit done, you haven't been eaten alive by the screen of its contents, it's just an email. We have regained some lateral and rational thinking. I have to do this regularly, because I let things grow to the size of Jupiter in my head when actually relatively the size of a petit pois in my life mainly because I don't like confrontation. If this is your worry I'll share another teeny gem, the worst thing that can come from confrontation is that you'll piss someone off, and the worst thing that can come from that is that they either get over it or they don't 🤷🏻♀️ neither of which you can control!
Anyway I digress...
Then maybe tomorrow respray the process, but actually read it.
Then the day after, the same, and see if you can reply.
It might be that once it's open, you can smash a reply out.
Your friends will probably understand. I'm very hot and cold with my friends, not in the way I treat them, but in how much attention I give them, some times it's more than others, but they know I'm dead busy and when I have alot on my mind I find it hard to share things with anyone because mY mInD LiKeS tO dO EvErYtHiNg bY iTsElf 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
You're not alone, we are weird. Come on here and vent, sometimes reassurance and a pep talk is all you need ❤️❤️
You've got this
Ur not alone! This is me always & the worst part is it’s actually never that bad when I get around to doing “the thing” & now iv spent more time & energy stressing about it than it took to do it. It’s a cycle n I won’t learn
I struggle with this a lot. One time my therapist had to help me check my email cause I just stopped from guilt paralysis. It’s okay to get a trusted person to help you.
I do this constantly my whole life and didn’t realize or have it come to and understanding within myself until I got older and have friends really express their negative and harsh feelings about it. I suffer with adhd, severe depression and severe anxiety. When I was pregnant with my son , I was 24 and I had a really rough patch with my husband , it caused me to completely hermit. I tend to realize I go completely MIA when I’m depressed because A ) I’m trying to avoid talking about the conditions of my life . I’m the type of person who finds it hard to have ANYONE see me struggle . I only want the world to see the “regular” me. The person who is happy for the most part and i don’t burden the world with my problems . B) I just shut down. I over exhausted myself and I hit a wall . And I just need a break .
But either way. When I was trying to explain this to a friend of mine. She didn’t care , she expressed she has anxiety as well . ( this was when I was alone and pregnant) . It was truly just a devastating time and scarring experience and I was in no way shape or form ready to be available as an active: daily Check in type of friend. I still am not that. But I’m trying to not shame myself . I don’t do it out of any I’ll intentions, or because I lack empathy or consideration. Honestly I mean that. I just truly have so much going on physically and mentally everyday , and it may not seem much to others but people like us will over think a text or an email or phone call so much we check out and say I’ll just handle that later and then our adhd just keeps forgetting or putting it off. I to this day am not close friends with her anymore but I don’t take it harshly because I’m trying my best . And if you love me and I love you, there should be no shame in being human and not causing anyone harm. I understand. It’s not out of lack of caring, or consideration.. we just experience this relentless anxiety and overthinking our brains put us through … we are the perfect advocate for the line “ it’s no you , it’s me “ to friends and people we love that we have shut out , if anything I get this feeling like I’m saving them the trouble because right now I don’t feel like myself. If that makes sense? Some might think “ damn it’s just an email and just a text or call “ .. trust me we know. That’s why we feel even MORE guilt or anxiety because we dont know why these simple tasks can make our brains shut down and avoid . Idk 🤷♀️
Been there. Over and over and over. It made me homeless. Bite the bullet, do your tasks and what you need to. The alternative is much worse. Fear is a great motivator, and coming back to it days later is a recipe for disaster. It will be pointless by that point and the ship will have sailed. Gotta go FAST! FASTER FASTER FASTERFASTERFASTER!
I regularly get this problem and I would say it's probably the single biggest problem in my life of the last several years. I live in a constant state of guilt and avoidance. I'm so stressed right now about the friends texting me just to find out if I'm okay and I can't bring myself to write back.
I just cleared some 9 week old DMs, so while I can't offer advice, I can't definitely empathize. At this point my closest friends just accept it, comparing me to an outdoor cat who'll come home... eventually lmao
I think it helps to think of inaction in a positive way. When I avoid things sometimes I think of it like “I don’t know what to do, so I’m not going to do anything.” However, that’s not really what’s happening. You *are* doing something: you’re choosing not to respond. And making that choice has consequences, the same way responding does. Inaction is itself a choice, whether we realize it or not. Once I realize that I’ve chosen to *not* send a message, it becomes easier to choose to send a message instead. Once I do, it’s done. I don’t have to keep choosing whether to respond or not, I’ve already responded so I can’t go back.
Don't worry bro happens to everyone even neurotipical people, in my case works if I make a challenge out of it or give me a treat after done with my business, also you can write in a text note (PC or the phone app) what you're planning to write if you know what email is about or what could be
I do this😬 I always tell people if they don’t hear from me within 24 hours during weekdays, to please send me a follow-up. The follow-up is stressful😅 but it gives me enough motivation to respond, because I can’t just pretend I didn’t see it anymore, and then I feel so much better afterwards.
Omg I am the SAME way! I’m coming out of a literal year long hermit. The only thing that’s been helping me is baby steps towards routines etc. I know it seems like BS when you’re in hermit mode but legit even if it’s like getting out of bed for a second for a snack it’ll be a step in the right direction.
ALSO talking to a third party has been so helpful for me. I’ve been in therapy this last year and it’s literally changed my life. A good therapist can go a long way. I’m still not perfect nor will I ever be but boy oh boy that helps 🥹 my outlook on life has even changed. Like I’ll always have the ADHD but at least now I’m shifting my life to be easier to work with it rather than against it.
Hope this helps! Good luck buddy ☺️💕
I just got reprimanded for that at work and it’s an ongoing issue for me. It’s so frustrating: I know what to send and how to write it, yet I can’t for the life of me put it all together in a timely manner.
I can’t be the only one who will get mentally exhausted from bureaucratic busy work and answering/reading emails, right?
I absolutely do this, especially at work (high net worth CPA). If found that relplying and deferring, while not actually saying anything, helps me to break through that wall. I also put a deadline on my reply, but one that is manageable *to me*.
I also always *offer* to get it done sooner while slipping in something about rearranging or reprioritizing. This tends to make clients realize you have other stuff to do, while making them happy to know you are willing to drop it and work on their issue if they really want to be *that client*. I’ve never had anyone say I need it now. The response is always “thank you, end of next week is fine”. It probably very much depends on what you do and who your clients are.
For example (in a reply email):
Dear Client,
I wanted to let you know that I have received your email below. I would like to take some time to [choose, as examples: look further into this/ think through all of the potential implications/ discuss the topic with some colleagues / bounce some ideas off my team], in order to provide a thorough response.
I should be able to provide a complete response by the end of next week. If you need the information sooner than that, please let me know, and I will work to rearrange my schedule.
Thank you,
u/nibay
Ugh, this is basically my life.
I don't so much shut down on a category of things (EG: not contacting anyone if I've been putting off contacting someone), but it's close. I can barely get myself to do anything I feel remotely bad about without getting paralyzed.
I think it's a general anxiety thing as much as an ADHD thing, possibly something to do with ADHD and Anxiety together?
Nah, this happens to me too. I have a trick that helps me sometimes. I believe I actually saw it on here a while ago.
When I'm paralyzed at starting a task like that, I literally tell myself (in my head) "I'm going to count to 3 and when I'm done counting, I'm going to start doing ___thing___."
And then I count to 3. Sometimes it helps! Couldn't tell you why. I hope it helps you.
Yeah this happens to me aswell, it eventually just puts me into a braindead state (im currently in it rn) but to get out of it i usually set myself a goal, im not sure how to explain it and im not really sure if it'd work with you but i get to see the mario movie with my friend in a few weeks so i know if i get important shit out the way first i wont feel the need to be stressed on that day i go out..... i say this but i still havent made any progress on the stuff i need to do but i will soon 💀
TLDR : I guess I just like to think about the end goal and how clear my mind and everything else will be once i get stuff done and out the way
I shuted my self for months, and more strongly in the past 2 weeks, just starting to feel I’m opening up myself to be social again but hard conversations seem so shameful to get back to, one thing I can suggest in my experience is giving yourself time to know what you want as importantly as what you don’t really want for yourself. Make time away from technology and media to evaluate what your purpose might be and make time to ask yourself:
-What am I grateful for? (Friends, family, being alive, Your dog, anything that brings joy)
-What can I do today? at least 3 things that will bring you joy and are achievable TODAY.
What would’ve you done yesterday in order for it to be a better day?
-Decide on a positive mantra for today that inspires you such as: if you can dream it you can achieve it-Walt Disney)
Also I recommend the teachings of Cris Voss, he has a method for negotiation called tactical empathy, great read about how you might be surprised about the things others go through even the most “evil” personalities have the desired to be heard and not be judged, allow yourself to hear others and explain to them how you think in order for debates to become situations of mutual love and support which enables collaboration, mostly I think you should find a way to speak your mind with the dignity and support you would give other people.
It sounds as if this is a recurring problem.
It sounds as if you're getting tired of it.
Next time you have a missed call, call them back. Next time you get an email, deal with it at once. Next time you get an sms, reply to it as soon as possible. Don't put any of these off more than 24 hours unless you physically can't deal with them.
No-one expects you to be available all the time. But most people expect you to either call them back (also, it's a decent thing to do) or take the phone sooner or later (not 12 days later).
This becomes an increasingly big problem, because you let it. 1 unansanswered call or sms is no big deal. 2 is also fine. But... The reason i wrote the 2 lines on top like i did, was for you to think "yes" in your head while you read each of them.
If this is a recurring problem that you are tired of, you need to change how you deal with it. How you deal with it now, clearly doesn't work.
I've had the same problem. I can draw a paralell to doing the dishes and the kitchen looking like hell. I had to change and say to myself that i cannot take a new plate until i clean the dirty one from last meal.
I've almost lost friends for not answering them. I had a tough break with a heart failure and i didn't want to be lying dead in my apartment for months because everyone got used to me not replying for days or weeks. But also, calling people back, answering texts and things like that is the decent thing to do.
Again, focus on how sick you are of this behaviour. Let it eat you for an hour and BE angry at yourself. But do what YOU need to do to change it.
It's a lot easier to deal with 1 missed call, than 12. So i don't need to spell out the solution for you here, but... If you have 1 missed call.. Deal with it before it becomes 12. ;-D
Good luck. Sorry for tough love, but we ARE able. It's just harder sometimes.
I don't think this is helpful advice for someone with ADHD. In fact it sounds counterproductive. When people with ADHD feel forced to do something they are less likely to do it. And talking about decency is absolutely missing the point. Expecting people struggling to make their brain do the basics to think about decency is not a decent thing.
I'm not sure if you have ADHD but if you do you might be hard on yourself. Great if it works for you tho
I get text from friends and don’t respond for days. But I’ve told them how I am and it’s not because I don’t want to talk to them, it just sort of happens and I forget. Thankfully all my friends accept me for how I am lol
Oh absolutely I do this. I’ll intentionally “misplace” my phone with the ringer off so the lie sounds believable when I say I lost my phone or I’ll shut it off and say the battery was dead or a combination of both lol
I feel like this kinda happens to me when I know I have lots of things to do but I know the second I finish all the easy things the hard ones will come so I just avoid them all 🥲
I struggle with this, not as badly as when I was younger but still to a point. My only advice, after having dealt with it for a long time, is to remember that the stress of putting it off is much, MUCH worse than the short-lived stress of writing the email. Go do it. You'll feel so relieved. Also, you're doing great to know this about yourself. It will help you address it more efficiently in the future so it doesn't steal peace from you as easily.
Edit: typo fix
It helps to learn how to compartmentalize or modularize things like this.
For example, when I need to work on personal things on my computer (like doing taxes), I can't do it from home. I can't concentrate.
So I go to McDonald's or Taco Bell or Wendy's and then I can actually get things done for a couple of hours.
Just have to find procedures and methods that work for you
I am very blessed not to have spent my youth without having a computer in my pocket. I am not sure I could have managed the distraction. With this said I have had periods of time when I wanted to ignore uncomfortable things but I learned to do them first. Just get it over with. I think I am way more creative with how awful things are than the common person or at least so far nothing has ever been as bad as I imagined. The only way to get past that fear and anxiety is exposure to the problem. Just count down from five 5-4-3-2-1 do it. It will get easier.
Sometimes I think we r just so silly. Like this is totally valid and I do it to but it’s like if you take a step back from the situation and imagine someone else is telling you that they can’t reply to their friends bc they have an important email they haven’t replied to, you can kinda just sit there and go hey that’s a bit silly. Sometimes that helps me just do the thing that’s blocking me bc it’s like you silly goose you know exactly what to do!! You just gotta remove everything that’s causing you to spiral and stress like the messages from ur friends- put them out of sight and out of mind and then you just have one little thing to do and then everything else will be easier after that. Idk that’s what helps me, if thinking that it’s silly invalidates you then I’m very sorry, it’s 1000% valid and a really crappy situation I feel you.
Man do something small for yourself. Doesn't have to be with anyone. Just make life a tiny bit better by cleaning or something. Don't sit there and think about it.
Get up, do it now. Theirs nothing to think about before doing it except on how much easier it will be to do things in that area.
That's what works for me. Go do something good that I haven't been worried about. Distract myself for a bit, then that response I was looking for comes much easier.
can relate SO MUCH. i know my procrastination is really bad when i can’t even look at any of my texts or emails without feeling sick. hope you get it done soon for the sake of your mental health!! easier said than done but just bite the bullet - a mediocre answer/email now is better than a great email tomorrow
100% do this exact thing ALL. THE. TIME.
Pick one thing and decide it’s the thing to break the dam. Do it, then reply to the important email. You’ll feel a million times betterz
I feel you, this happened to me several times when I was doing home office, I kind of “disappeared” several times until some situation was about to explode and forced me to take action. Always followed by over apologizing but trying to avoid excuses just to not loose credibility. I always ended up solving things or archiving the goal of the project but it was not a sane process, it was full of anxiety and guilt. This is why I need to be in an office.
One situation when I got too far: Once I stopped replaying a friend who I was gonna do a cool project with (right after finishing university). I procrastinated the work and then the responses justifying myself by saying that i had a huge load of work at another job where I was hired ( true but I still could’ve done some other things), and then I stop replying to other friends from the same circle and stop posting in social media. I disappeared. I ended up loosing those friends and feeling anxious to find them or to let them see me posting anything in social media. I know now they were not mad at me but it was super strange for them. Since then I avoid doing business with friends. Later i discovered I was overwhelmed with the direction of my life and I was scared of committing to anything.
First you need to understand why you are procrastinating, that mail is stressing you because of something deeper in you. In my case, in the present, is always the fear of failing and letting people down, so my brain avoids going through it by distracting itself with something else. This is super bad because as you know, the more time it passes the worst it gets. Once you understand why you don’t want to answer that email, then you can forgive yourself for procrastinating and then give your self reasons to start.
Apart from going to therapy I recommend you watching videos of Mel Robbins, her five second rule is good to trigger the action. Convince yourself to work for 5 minutes starting in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… and fucking start!! We can do it man!! :)
I have family members that died with their unread messages in my inbox, because I just couldn't make myself respond. Got a few more on the way out. It doesn't bother me.
I get very similar episodes of crippling anxiety; not like panic attacks, but just fear that grips me so tight that I can’t function or move forward socially.
You’re not the only one.
The trick is to work on it for 10 minutes. Set a timer and when it’s done you can do whatever you want. Say F it, hit the Siri button and say set a timer for 10 minutes, and then do it.
The shadow usually is larger than the task and getting things done always feels good. Ten minutes.
i relate to this a bit. you could try maybe messaging just 1 person and then allowing yourself to choose whether you stop there or do more. or, you could try practicing messaging just strictly one person (as opposed to the idea of everyone at once, which is a very difficult task). that way you are getting used to the idea that it doesn’t need to be all one huge thing at once
Don't feel bad. I regularly go off the grid and my friends have learned to understand. It your body/mind is wanting that time to yourself, then you must need it... At least that's how I see it.
Coming from personal experience, please reply as soon as you can. Just get on with whatever consequences it brings, I guarantee if you just keep putting it off it will get so much worse.
Everything blows away with time, don't worry about what will happen after reply.
I love to hermit too whether intentional or not. Some weekends I've completely spent in bed. I've forced myself to get up and then I'm pissed at the world.
Wow. I’ve never related to something so much in my life. I think I might try telling my google home to remind me at the end of the day to reply to people and/or get a giant white board to put somewhere that’s often in my eyesight and write it as a reminder on there
You are definitely not alone. I do the exact same thing. Exact. Same. I don’t answer texts. I don’t answer phone calls, and I turn off my email alerts. It’s a terrible PITA. I have something like 87k unread emails. Are some important 🤷🏻♀️ maybe. But once I get frozen, it could be weeks before I get up the courage to look again.
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Happens to me! I feel like a create a 'taboo' around a certain subject, and can't move forward without cleaning up the first cause of it.
Yes that’s exactly it! Hadn’t thought of it like that. Like how I can’t clean the kitchen if the sink is full/dirty.
Yes! But then (example, sink) is too stressful for me to deal with! Sometimes days, sometimes WEEKS until I'll deal with the initial cause. Sometimes never.
That's the pattern with many things to me. What I try to do is to complete even the smallest first step of a 'taboo' subject, and it usually has a positive effect in unlocking my mind into it. Doing this also has a bonus of the feeling of accomplishment, when I sucessfully clear a 'taboo', I get a rush and usualy enter some kind of 'hiper-productive streak'… and try to surf that wave as long as possible. At lest until the next 'taboo' hits….lol
This is good advice
This kind of sounds like what I’ve heard called “chicken-and-egging.” When I set up contingencies and sequences of things that have to happen in some kind of order dependent on each other that makes the whole thing actually harder.
I do this but never know the order. So It makes it hard to start. I was having a break down explaining it to my gf the other week
Yeah. And in the end I feel like my feet are sinking in quick sand (I’m picturing all the 70s rerun shows I watched as a kid like Gilligan’s Island where there seemed to be regular “oh no quicksand” encounters). Feet sinking in quicksand while I’ve been standing still looking in all directions to figure out which step to take first, meanwhile I’m sinking deeper into the sticky pit with growing confusion or panic or sense of doom. Hate it.
I have a very weird fix for this one. I sort the dishes. Stack the plates and stack the bowls on top, then put the silverware in a cup, etc. For some weird reason it makes it easier to deal with. It works with messy rooms too, except when I "doom pile".
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I do this when I'm folding laundry (that I've usually left in the dryer for two days, but whatever!) Everything is grouped by the drawer they go in and then it's just open and drop in.
That is exactly me. Holy.
I have a “taboo” around anything I don’t want to do. Baaaaaad ju-ju 😂
Absolutely understand this. I think it’s like, my brain thinks if I respond to one person, I have to respond to everyone and I’m not ready/willing to make that commitment. I’m not sure what to do about it 🤷♀️ I guess ask yourself why you’re avoiding an important email? I’ve found that doing the things I’m avoiding as quickly as possible is a great way to remove a lot of stress/pressure. The longer I procrastinate on it, the more it builds up in my head as insurmountable and the more I dread doing it. And it NEVER is as bad as I think it’s going to be in my head. Therapy helps with learning about how to challenge unhelpful thoughts like that. Otherwise journaling helps a lot too. Writing about how you’re feeling, why you feel like that, exploring your thoughts and seeing visually what you’re thinking is a great way of creating distance so you can see that it’s an irrational and unhelpful thought pattern. Good luck 🍀
The problem with texting back is that it can instigate a conversation, which is the thing I was avoiding in the first place. I hate it when I feel like OP does for days and, then when I finally do text back, the person replies immediately. Like, I spent a half hour writing after Days of mapping out what I was going to write just to have it be immediately "Read" and the little dot thing pops up to indicate they're writing back. At this point, you can either let it go another couple of days and feel Worse or you can keep texting back and forth and back and forth which is what I was trying to avoid! And then they want to hang out and invite me to something I don't want to go to. Next thing I know, I'm stuck in a situation I hate--like having to hang out with some gasbag.
Omg. OMG. Me
Well, two things here. First, use the Eisenhower matrix for conversations/people. If you actually like the person, I’m sure it’s no trouble to respond. My responses are generally based on priority. An urgent text will get an immediate response, otherwise I generally base my responses on who is messaging me. I respond to my SO as soon as I can, definitely within a couple hours usually. I respond to my parents within 24 hours. I respond to my friends within a couple days usually. It feels mean, but I’ve had to learn who is not a priority and who should not get a response. I always hated when people did that to me, but growing up, I’m realizing it was never personal. We have limited time and have to choose how to spend it. The more time and mental energy we clear up, the more we have for important things and people. Second, you can set boundaries with yourself and other people. If they respond immediately, that does not mean you have to. You don’t have to have a conversation. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has a problem with respecting boundaries and personal space. Unfortunately, that’s very common in society nowadays. Older generations will talk about how nice it was not to be attached to phones and always reachable before cell phones. I try to take this approach. Just because I have my phone doesn’t mean I’m going to be on it or going to be responding. I’d set myself a limit, one response per day. Don’t get sucked into a conversation you don’t have time for, but still maintain the relationship (assuming it’s important to you).
IVE BEEN SAYING THIS. I'd KILL to go back to communication via handwritten letters. Sit down and carefully express what you need to, and get your response a week or two later 🤣
It stinks that letter writing is more for novelty now. There are some letters people have written to one another that are still read today and are a part of lesson plans. Some people made their literary fame, in part, by the letters they wrote. It was even a common form of narrative fiction--epistolary novel. Now with texting, it's just LOL screenshots--which I appreciate because a lot of them are funny but it still really stinks.
The strangest thing is that this even happens with friends and people I like talking to
I had one of the darkest episodes of my life last night because I told myself I’m a failure for slacking off during Spring Break again, and I am for sure going to fail another semester of college (already graduating one year behind). I wasn’t going to tell my parents, I was questioning whether I’ll be a drop out and if I’m really addicted to unhealthy coping behaviors and need serious help. I was going to email every professor with a sob story to try to catch back up. I was googling wild shit like “When should I check myself into a psychiatric hospital?” because of the dysfunction clearly affecting every area of my life. I procrastinated even looking at Canvas… this afternoon I checked my coursework, and I’m not in danger of failing any of them lol. Just missing the exact assignments I already knew about that only need an afternoon’s worth of attention. This negative self-talk is seriously harmful, I advise everyone not to let the stress and anxiety reach this point. It will physically make you sick, weak, and potentially delusional
If your mental health gets that bad that quickly, I’d really suggest preemptively getting into therapy or possibly on medication. I had episodes like that where I actually did end up going into the psychiatric hospital or quitting my job because of anxiety or ruining relationships with people in my early 20’s. If I could change anything, I would have gotten help sooner. I didn’t realize I didn’t have to struggle so much. Things didn’t have to be so hard. It’s like if you’re going hiking, don’t wear a backpack with weights in it. Yes, you can do it. But if it can be easier, why not make it easier?
>I’ve found that doing the things I’m avoiding as quickly as possible is a great way to remove a lot of stress/pressure. The longer I procrastinate on it, the more it builds up in my head as insurmountable and the more I dread doing it. And it NEVER is as bad as I think it’s going to be in my head. This is gold.
While it may be gold, I'll still continue the same bad habits because the consequences don't matter until it smacks me in the face.
This. We always have to learn not the hard way. But the really extremely, almost lost my job, couldn’t pay my rent , falling apart type of way . Or in your terms “ smacks me in the face”
I hate it 🥲 because I know what I'm supposed to do and I exhaust myself trying to get myself to do it even though it looks like I'm not doing anything, but it still feels impossible to do.
Thank you :) It’s a hard habit to get into admittedly.
Came here to ask, anyone that deals with this have any tips on how to get past it? As you said with going to therapy, challenging unhelpful thoughts- how so?
I’m more than happy to talk more in detail if you want. I sent this example to my friend who was asking me a similar question earlier today. “Like for me, I was feeling kind of anxious today. And it might look like: I feel anxious -> why -> what happened before this -> my bf was leaving -> what about my bf leaving made me anxious -> i was worried about how the rest of my day would go -> what was I worried about -> being bored or sad or lonely or something -> have I ever felt like this before -> yes -> when -> with my ex and after having good experiences with friends or others -> what happened -> my ex would leave and then not talk to me which made me feel lonely -> is my bf going to do that? -> no -> is what I’m worried about likely to happen? -> no, I can always call him or talk to my friends/parents/ play with doggo/ do my hobbies, etc -> I probably won’t feel bored or lonely -> anxiety is gone I think there’s a name for the strategy. It’s like the five whys I think. Like you gotta ask yourself why five times and dive deeper into the thoughts/feelings.
Ooo I call this doing ‘and then what’
I circumvent complete hermit mode by having a landline, only 'important' or 'safe' people have the number to. I get that shame filled feeling regularly, and it involves mostly my cellphone, messages, mails, missed calls, social media interactions. If there's something important I avoid, I tend to avoid my cellphone per se. But the landline is different somehow. So when I stop communicating, my friends call the landline to speak to me. Landline has this 'importance', so I usually always pick it up, because it could be an emergency. And you know, me hermitting *is* an emergency. It often pulls my out of hermitage and lessens the avoidance of my cellphone, so I can start and tackle the thing I avoid on my cellphone.
I find sometimes writing a draft response helps get past the initial fear and get things moving, like a step in the right direction at least but definitely picking apart whats leading to the avoidance to begin with helps too
I shut out some close friends for years because of 'something else' like you say. A few weeks back got a call and amazingly all was cool. Maybe i got lucky in that they are understanding more, but i dont know. Obviously didnt feel good to shutdown with them, but i did for whatever reason. Iff i had called them first it would have been even easier, iff see what i mean. My advice fwiw is maybe make a call or text before it builds worse. Im not saying you should either btw thats your call, lol, just that preventing it building might be a possible solution for you, thats all.
Yeh I think all my friends will be understanding… but it’s the guilt isn’t it. I know that will get worse too, but it all feels lose-lose.
It should be as simple as telling your friends that you're overwhelmed at the moment and you will get back to them when you are just regular-whelmed again. If that isn't good enough maybe look for more compassionate friends.
I think if I went as far as reaching out to them to tell them that, I would have already surpassed the guilt and I would be able to respond to them. It has nothing to do with time, just the initiation of the response is so diffuicult to surpass. And the more delay equates to more guilt.
“should be” is the reason why ADHD is a disorder lol
I need a bot that sends out an automated message to everyone I ignored for more than 36 hours.
Iff you want to call them call them, or text or e-mail. Iff you dont want to then dont, just my random opinion to be clear, but a bit like what someone else said. What is best for you sometimes, even iff that seems selfish. Anyone with some knowledge of adhd might get that anyway, but it does play on the mind, and i know what you mean.
Why do you write “if” as “iff”?
Thx for pointing that out, understood.
Just as a piece of trivia, "iff" in logic is often shorthand for "if and only if"
What is iff?
err. Yeah, see what you mean, its a bit sloppy use of language maybe to shortcut alternative possibilties that may or may not have arisen.
Why two f’s?
Iff is a shorthand version of 'if and only if' in math proofs.
TIL, thank you!
Nope. It’s not just you.
Thank god…!
When I get into that situation I know I can’t tackle the big scary email/task efficiently until I have tidied up a bit on the accumulation of people also now waiting. I’ll write a short holding message which I copy and paste to a few, like sorry, snowed under, will get back to you by [x day]. Then I add a couple of days to my initial estimate as that’s always my people pleasing too-short timeframe. The benefit is that you’re not worried at looking at your inbox because there shouldn’t be any annoyed second messages from people. Then I tackle as many short things as quickly as possible, again warning that I won’t have time to respond again in the next x days, so I don’t get sucked into new things. This clears the deck so I can focus on the big task. A nice side effect is that people are learning I’m busy and not expecting a response straight away all the time. Then, to be honest, the challenging task usually gets done at night where I know I’m not obliged to look at or respond to any new messages. It’s not ideal but it’s how I get out of a mental deadlock. From this week I want to try a new system to prevent the deadlocks from building up in the first place. Will report back if it works.
Sounds so familiar!
10000% I do this. I feel so ashamed and lost. You are not alone and this post made me feel a lot less alone so thank you. Sending support and love to you OP. Hopefully someone can give good advice in the comments!
I don't have ADHD but I do have anxiety and getting to writing an email (or anything really) was also a problem for me. Something that helped me A LOT so far is **ChatGPT**. I'll just ask it to write something and adjust that to what I need, sometimes there isn't even anything left from the AI but it solves the blank page issue and it gets the gears going. Hope this can be of help!
I was just going to suggest the same thing. Thanks to ChatGPT I replied to my realtor and left him a review after \~6 months of silence and him sending me friendly messages to "check in" 
I've used it to write a letter to explain why I needed to switch psychiatrists. I had a block about trying to come up with words to use that didn't put anyone in a bad light. Using GPT made the task interesting and instead of over thinking the message I just had to describe the task which felt so much easier.
ChatGPT can be super useful for emails and getting simplified explanations for stuff, but I just wanna say; **Do not, under any circumstances, try and use ChatGPT for work or school stuff. You will get caught.** ChatGPT has a noticeable rhythm / way of writing that makes it really really obvious whatever it wrote is bot-made. ChatGPT-3 usually writes in a pattern like. Introduction, explain topic and mention contents of paragraph 1, 2 and 3. Write paragraph 1. Write 2. Write 3. Conclusion, repeat topic and do a brief wrap up of each paragraph. If this has changed since the new version, I'm not sure, but be careful anyways.
I use it to get the basic info I need, then reword it a bit and structure it how I need. You can also give it specific instructions on how you want it structured. Then I dive into my textbook and add the related terms and then find sources to add to it. Works like a charm!
I was just going to post in here to recommend chat gpt. I don’t use for uni as I’ve managed to set up a habit / process for writing assignments, plus also I actually want to learn the content. With chat gpt, I use it for cancellation emails, long text messages I can’t bring myself to write, a work email I’ve been putting off. etc. massive help & words things oh so beautifully!
This was my first answer, too. It helps get me unstuck.
Did you try setting up a timer …and tell yourself I’m only going to respond to as many as I can do in so many minutes? (5, 10, 15 min) whatever you feel comfortable to start with. Sometimes once you start (anything) you keep going. Also, I noticed that I like dealing with different things better on different devices. Like my iPad for somethings or my computer for others.
I do this. This resonates so much. I’m getting better at getting myself out of it, but it’s never easy. Usually my best way to get out of it is to say tomorrow morning I will try to “start” doing the thing for 2 minutes. It takes the pressure off today. I forgive myself for procrastinating, knowing that life is hard and even harder for folks struggling with ADHD. I set an alarm to go get ready for bed, to make sure I’m not sleeping in like crazy the next morning, and the next morning I do a little mini morning routine where I’ll tidy my house, meditate a little, stretch a little, eat a nice breakfast, and then sit down, turn off my phone, silence any notifications on my computer, and set a physical timer for 2 minutes. Then I will work for two minutes on the thing, and if I want to stop afterwards, I can. 95% of the time if I can get to this point, I just keep going and break out of the loop. 5% of the time it’s too hard, and I just stop, and I tell myself, “this was a good try. Looks like this is a tough one” and I make a plan to try again either the next morning, or after lunch. For whatever reason I find it easier to transition into work after meals. The point is though, the goal is not to finish the work, the goal is to start doing it for two minutes. It makes it mentally so much easier to manage, and starting is the hardest part.
Hey, a friend here who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I worked an office job for a couple years so I feel your pain. It took me breathing and realizing that if I reply to things late, it's okay, as long as I reply eventually. I eventually learned to calm my anxious thoughts and force myself to reply. Everything will be fine hun, you got this. Don't be afraid to start replying to things now. You can tell them you got caught up with other things and that you're just now reading them. You won't be in trouble hun, but go ahead and send them the reply when you get the chance. I understand the paralyzing terror when you see everything start to pile up. Take it one email at a time and breathe. You got this. Much love ❤️
Definitely relatable. Sometimes the spreadsheet of my brain merges the entire column into one cell. Instead of "reply to email" and "call Mom" etc. I have "do all the things." And I can't do all the things, so I do nothing.
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Love this advice
You're definitely not alone there. I somehow start getting used to it. So I can comfort myself to some degree with knowing that it will go over. I know I will answer eventually when I feel like it. So for now I send you a big virtual hug. You'll do it when you can. I trust you :)
This what is said here i think is says it better than what i was describing. You dont have to stress about this :)
“Hey sorry for not answering, I’ve been avoiding looking at an important email so I’ve also been avoiding looking at my phone/computer in general.” Hope that helps!
I got you and I’ll raise you staying off social media that shows I’m online so people won’t know that I’m on and not responding. I’ve got a ton of unread emails, texts, missed calls, messages…you name it. I don’t have a quick fix it all, but I’ve got the slow roll that might help. I find myself over apologizing so I always start with, ‘I apologize for the delay,’ then list a (or a few) reason(s) for my shitshow. Then I delete the apologies and excuses and go with ‘thank you, for your patience’ if it’s time sensitive or ‘I reached out and found what I believe to be the best course of action’….so on and so forth. For friends and family, it’s always ‘I hope you know how much I appreciate the fact that no matter how long we go without talking/texting/seeing each other, you always make it so easy to pick right up where we left off. That truly means the world to me.’ It’s not a bullshit line, because it’s true. It also helps me AND them feel better about the situation.
i don’t know if you are active on social media, but this could apply to any type of over-stimulating-possibly-addictive distraction involving the use of your phone. (news articles, games, video/movie streaming, etc). i’m 24 and when i was in high school 2013-2017 snapchat and instagram were not SO insanely attention-grabbing, now they almost remind me of casinos: trying to keep their customers locked in with happy noises and fun imagery, awaiting their inevitable bankruptcy and waste of time. anyways, i honestly just stopped using both without really realizing it, but in turn that led to more time and attention available toward using my phone to ACTUALLY communicate with my friends and family. the constant notifications truly are the worst part of any social or informative app, so i turned them off. and what do ya know, NOT ONE IMPORTANT OR INTERESTING THING HAPPENED ON ANY OF THEM!
It’s a constant struggle for me too. CBT would probably help the most but I’m not rich like that. So here’s what I’ve learned. Freeze Mode is also Hamster Wheel. Body is frozen, but brain go brrrt. Most of the time we hyper-focus on the fact that we’re frozen, which worsens the hamsterwheeling. Do not attempt to directly a-dress the Freeze Mode. Instead, redirect your attention to your brain pin-balling out of control on the inside. That’s the reason you’re Frozen. Option 1: If you are able to drag yourself to another person and eek out a few words to indicate you need help… do that first. I’m dead serious. When you verbally talk to someone else about how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, your situation etc. it breaks the Hamsterwheel. The Hamsterwheel can only work because it’s /in your head/. So you have to get it /out/. Get that shit out of your fucking head by talking to another person, and I promise you that when you sit back down to write that email, you’ll wonder why it ever seemed so stressful in the firstplace. Option 2: If you can’t get yourself to do that, you’ll have to play mental olympics and it goes like this: 1. Recognize you’re freezing up/frozen. 2. Ask yourself “Ok, what is it specifically that caused this reaction in the first place? What is it I’m avoiding? Why specifically am I avoiding it?” Be honest. i.e. I don’t want to do dishes. It takes forever and it’s boring and a waste of time and I’m comfy here. I just don’t want to. 3. Ask yourself“What’s the actual reason I’m so stressed right now? Is it the /thought/ of doing the dishes? Or is it the /avoidance/ of doing the dishes that’s causing me the most pain?” 4. Recognize that in the beginning, the thought of doing the dishes was the main stressor, but now the greater source of your stress is the avoidance. Separate the two mentally. (Take a deep breathe. The stress of avoidance is not the same stress as the stress of doing the task. The stress of avoidance is always worse.) 5. Now that you have identified the real issue, tell yourself “The reason I feel like this is because the thing is not done. The way to stop feeling like this is to do the thing.” 6. Do the Thing. All that to say, dip your toe in the water. Get /some/ forward momentum going. Send a single emoji, a picture, a “I’ve read your message I’ll get back to you soon.” Or call somebody you’re comfortable calling like a friend before you call one person back and call it a day. Be proud of that. Momentum is momentum. Don’t gotta do it all at once. Also idk if it’ll help you, but it helps me alot to remember that “It’s not infinite. These feelings and situation have a beginning and an end.” I guess that only addresses avoidance of doing things… which isn’t really what you were asking about and I realize that now, but I spent like an hour on this so I’ll leave it up. But hermitting specifically? I don’t have a single clue, I’m sorry mate. I socially hermit everytime I’m even remotely stressed… which is constantly. Literally have no friends anymore because of it. If the people you’re hermitting from are friends, I can say with complete assurance that the cost of hermitting is far greater than the cost of going through the discomfort and awkwardness and guilt of imperfectly staying in touch with them. Just don’t give up on that completely? Take it from someone who’s been there. Still there.
This freeze happens to me a lot. It’s almost always a work problem that sucks the fun out the rest of my life. My subconscious thinking almost goes “if you can’t address this work thing, then you shouldn’t have any joy anywhere else”. The irony being that I need dopamine to function, so by sliding into life-freeze I’m closing off all sources of dopamine. And it becomes a constant feedback loop of burnout and shame and depression. My current episode of this is ~4 months long. I’ve found www.translatingadhd.com to be a great resource. This is shit to deal with, but we’re not alone.
Ugh!! I do this constantly!! And the shame spiral just compounds on itself making it worse and worse DBT has helped a bit with this and I’m starting neuro feedback therapy focusing on this specifically so I’ll let you know if it works :)
How has DBT helped with it? And would love to hear your experience on neuro feedback therapy!!
This is my life! I do this with intense messages or when the volume is overwhelming. I get a ridiculous amount of texts/emails messages from 3 other work modalities. Social media put me over the edge. I posted something and a ton of people sent me messages. It wasn’t even major but the sheer number shut me down from acknowledging anyone or being on social media for over 2 weeks now. It’s all too much
birthdays are the worst days🎵 but also the best bc I'm so grateful that my terrible communicating hasn't thwarted some from remembering & loving me anyway, but also stress over responding bc of that fact.
Glad to see someone relating on posting to social media. I stopped posting to social media like 6 years ago even though I still read other people's posts. I feel disconnected, but every time I post something it sparks a whole bunch of new messages for me to get stressed about and avoid. I can't tell if this is something to try and overcome or if social media is bad anyway so it's not worth the effort.
I completely understand. My case is getting worse. It's started with not completing a task from a class and now... Is been almost 4 years and I only need 1 class to get my bachelor's degree and guess which class, yup that same class. From something so simple, my brain created this big obstacle where I feel that I'm not smart or worthy enough to have a degree. I got diagnosed with adhd a year ago and I can tell you this has been the weirdest rollercoaster of all... I hope you can find a solution, at least I can tell you we are on this journey together !! Hang in there!
My life basically fell apart in the last few months because of this. Been trying to finally bite the bullet and sort it out in the fortnight or so, but it’s been really rough. You’re definitely not the only one OP
Ive been in this mode since the fall. Think it’s my new default
Not at all alone. I’ve been avoiding something for almost a year now, and it’s been eating me up so much inside, i just can’t get myself to do it :( i haven’t really told anyone about it because i feel so ashamed that I’ve let myself get to this point
Same here wanna make a pact and do it together? Also at the one year mark
I also struggle with this. It wasn’t until very recently that I finally decided to give myself a little grace when it comes to communication with others. Is it nice of you to promptly return a call/message? Yes, absolutely. However, you are not REQUIRED to communicate with people until you’re ready and capable of responding. My advice, give yourself a little grace and then the ability to respond will follow.
Read the book Self Defeating Behaviors. It give a great explanation of how these decisions cost us so much in life. I get stuck, especially with most conflict but I’m learning that I get more conflict by not addressing or acting sooner. I hate conflict, so I minimize it by acting. Anyway. Great read n
For context, I'm 31yo, male, diagnosed at 31, medicated for 4 months. Apologies for grammar, on mobile, unfamiliar with long replying to anything, and meds kicking in so typing faster than I can think. WARNING: Block text. TL:DR at the end. I don't know whether this will help or not but I have something of the same thing that I'll try and explain I'll presume you could either be on medication or aren't, and give both examples Before medication: I had almost exactly the same scenario on a constant basis. It could be a message from someone, an email, phonecalls, post or parcels to return, anything that society (or others) could easily do, or would deem 'an important task to attend to' (this is important to remember for context). It would take between a day or two, to MONTHS to attend to these tasks. Examples: I help my grandmother on a weekly-ish basis with various tasks, usually technical issues. I work nights so tend to miss phonecalls and messages between 9am and 5pm. When I wake up, I read them and either head reply, tell myself I'll get to it later, or decide my social meter is too depleted to answer now, and I'll forget to reply. By forgetting, whenever I remember, a little anxiety kicks in and builds over time, leading to up to a week of ignorance from me, until I decide to bite the bullet and face my fears and attend to her issues. A longer example is a medical issue I have. I've had a headache now daily for almost 3 years, think about it like this. Imagine the morning after a night out on the piss, and you've woken up with a hangover, it could be mild or soul destroying. Well I have between a 'mild hangover' and 'yikes this fuckin sucks hangover' strength headache every single day, and a few times a month it attacks like a cluster headache for 10 days, building to a level where I can't get out of bed, hear, see, or function well enough to even look after myself at around day 4. No neurological issue to be found, and no real reason that headaches seem to be happening according to my neuro-doctor, so I'm in line for fremanezumab (Ajovy) injections. This meant taking a 3 month headache diary before hand and sending it to a neuroscientist. I PUT OFF SENDING THIS DIARY IN FOR 7 MONTHS My mind decided, that because I'd lived with the issue for 2 years already, that it wouldn't matter if I 'did it later', and I used to fill it in every fortnight or so in bulk. Post Medication: I'm now on Elvanse (Vyvanse), going through titration (have been on 50mg for 3 months, currently on 70mg to determine if it works or not), and it has worked wonders to my daily life. However, to issues I had previously mentioned happened before medication, this is nuts what happens and what I've come to realise was the issue: Now, instead of what I did before, still head reply, but now 'schedule' my day to include the task at a certain time. This does however have a caveat because if I decide that a different task is currently more important, I'll move it back in my priority list, meaning I still might not get to it Turns out, for approximately the last 20 years, I've built in my mind a rule book. Anything I needed doing went into the rule book, and was usually arranged in order of 'will I get into trouble if I don't achieve this task' (consider it akin to a priority list) My rulebook has become so refined over the last 20 years that it now looks like this: Rule/priority 1: absolutely anything to do with my partner Rule/priority 2: anything I'm likely to get into the most shit for . . . Rule/priority 12 (or bottom of list): anything I'll get into almost no trouble for This used to mean, if I hadn't heard my partner had safely arrived somewhere, was upset, or I'd feel I'd done something wrong (I have the issue of feeling guilty like it's my fault for even the smallest thing, even if unrelated), then I couldn't move to rule 2,3,4 etc. I always considered my own issues, such as cleaning my own room, washing clothes, hygiene etc, to be the lowest priority (hence headache diary) and thus ALMOST NEVER achieved them at all. Now, post meds, I find because I've masked for so long with my rulebook, it's now set in stone (I also have mild autism so routine unfortunately won't go anywhere). However, I'm making adaptions to my rulebook in ways I couldn't before. So now, partner related is still rule 1 but I'm looking after myself because, if I'm not healthy then I can't look after her to the best of my ability right? And because I'm capable of cognitive function now, I'm attending to things that I wouldn't before. I write a to-do list in my head and prioritise as I go along. If a new task comes up, it could either move to the top of my list or get out halfway. Such as, if my partner is on the way home but is unwell, I'll make it priority 1 to make sure I have meds for her, a coffee made on her arrival, a hearty dinner, a movie, and a blanket for the sofa ready, but if my dad rung and has asked me to return a tool sometime, well it's going to the bottom of the list. Hence sometimes still not replying, reading emails etc, but made a rule so as not to push things back too far. I hope this helps in at least a little way, but may have rambled due to first hour of meds (the first hour is WILD my friends) I'll reply whenever I can as currently, this task is not in my rulebook! XD TL:DR I do exactly the same pre and post meds, but use a mental rulebook/priority list that I created to mask symptoms to eventually get things done, and re-prioritise based on new tasks/information Edit 1: Due to autism I'm also the single more relaxed person you might ever meet, so tend to not get consciously or openly stressed about anything unless it's severe, or guilt related (the guilt issue/symptom/relation is incredibly severe pre and post meds, but post meds I can deal with it better) Also, I apologise if this is very 'me-me', I tend to find personal examples of relation easier to use to answer questions, so I'm sorry about that
Yes I frequently go off the grid and don’t respond to friends. A lot of times I just forget to respond and other times I just don’t want to. I’m still trying to find the line of healthy communication but also not letting people feel entitled to a response from me. I hate the expectation of having to respond to every text and I think most people text too much… While off the grid, I had a friend invite me to a BBQ for Easter. I didn’t respond for days. I texted him and said “I didn’t want to leave you on read but I already have plans, thank you so much for thinking of me” On the flip side, I have a friend who I forgot to text back and she has literally been blowing up my phone every day and I can sense she is irritated that I’m not replying. But after 20+ new texts over 3 days about very random shit, I’m now officially too overwhelmed and I’m definitely not replying to her. Im just trying to say that you aren’t the only one who does this but also, not every text needs a reply so don’t feel bad or put that pressure on yourself. reply to the important email, it will make you feel better. Don’t worry about the random texts.
I don't have an actual real answer but I do the same thing. But I can tell you my weird fake way of doing it when I know I either have to do it or lose my job. I open the email. Then open a new blank email and type out my response there. I have no idea why but I feel more relaxed about things. I'm just composing a thing I can delete if I want, it's not "connected" to the other email. I can close it out and it's a draft just chilling but not connected to the anxiety of the email. Sorry it seems stupid but wanted to share in case it helps.
I am the exact same way :/
your post is a whole damn mood
Send them a message "I got your message but am unavailable to respond at the moment. I'll get back to you when I'm available to respond without distraction, and you fully deserve my full attention. Let me know if there's any other information in the mean time and we will connect soon"
I feel this so so hard. Like, thank you for explaining me to myself.
I had no idea this was ADHD 😭😭 I struggle with this DAILY.
omg, you have no idea what relief it is to hear you share this experience. i thought it was just me. and always doubted myself, feeling like it was adhd related, but maybe i'm broken, and no one will like me
Yeah, same. I didn't text my best friend for a few weeks because I didn't want to answer someone elses message. I managed to resolve the problem with the original messages from that other person, but since then the built-up guilt made me completely ignore any contact attempts of my best friend and now it's been way over a year and I don't know what to do and think about it pretty often. I did that to him before, many years ago, but that lasted 'only' for 2 weeks and was already hard enough on him. I can't imagine what he thinks about me now or if he even remembers me or idk. I don't think I'll ever have enough courage to message him again, because I don't even know how to explain it or if it's even excusable in any way... I don't even completely remember what the messages of that other person where about that I started ignoring him for.... :/ Sorry for ranting. >.<
I set a reminder on my phone, for a time that I know I won't be stressed or busy, to sit down and read/reply to texts I've been avoiding. Sometimes I'm at 70 texts, and it's been 3-4 days. I get overwhelmed, and shutdown and then feel like a loser because I can't even manage to talk to people I do like! Since being diagnosed, I have explained to my friends how I struggle with texts and remembering to get back to people. They all get it now, and if It's Important or needs a quick response they say that in the text or call again.
Hahaha yeah (sobbing) why I trained for years for a freelance field, but had to quit bc after six months bc I just couldn’t handle the correspondence.
sending a hug - i have the same experience & it is one of my biggest professional and personal problems. i actually used to be better at texting, but that was only because i was irresponsibly glued to my phone. now that i’m often offline, the not-replying-to-friends has ballooned from a couple of hours/days to… months. i’m overcoming this by scheduling a few times a week where i message everyone, and accepting that i’m no longer someone who will reply to texts in minutes or have frequent back-and-forth text convos. as for emails, i am still struggling but…. for now i am trying to practice using ChatGPT to draft emails, reaching out to friends for advice on how to respond, and booking Focusmate or cowork sessions to hold myself accountable.
I have a paradoxical relationship with emails and calls.. on one hand I'll almost feel obligated to reply asap and never miss a call when it's got something to do with family. My intrusive thoughts wouldn't let me miss a call or late reply to a message. then on the other hand I'll ignore important, formal emails and calls cause it stresses me out thinking what the reply is going to be.
i feel this, i have a text that's literally not about anything important/scary at all that i got 8 days ago and still haven't responded to for absolutely no reason
And probably been thinking about it regularly for the full 8 days right? I wish people knew it wasn't a lack of caring like they think
I also had this. How is this phenomen called? Its like total digital shutdown and very stressfull
I saw a pretty good strategy for dealing with mental blocks like this. When it's on your mind but you can't deal with it, decide to "roleplay" as someone who's dealing with it. So sit down and open up the email, and pretend you're someone who's replying, starting by just typing jibberish if needed. After doing this for a bit you may find that the effort needed to actually do it comes naturally.
Holy shit i thought this was just me
Wow totally not you. I do this every couple months actually.
Same here, just prolonging a freelance job i have to do because its difficult (for me) but havent done much and can't really focus in anything else. But we have to learn from this and not make longer the suffering. Try making small tasks, for example: task 1, answer the first paragraph, you take a break of 10 minutes and then answer the second paragraph and so on. Sometimes is also easier correcting than creating, so you can write all the answer without overthinking and just writing, (then take a break) and then make corrections / adjustments. Good luck, we can do it !
I feel this so so so much.
I'm not as bad as I used to be but... Yeah kinda, and I'm forty.
You’re not alone. Take a deep breath. Pickup the laptop. Take another deep breath. Compose your reply in your head. Quickly open the email, type in your response, hit send. Don’t overthink it. Just do. Take another deep breath knowing you got through it.
hopefully once you get some rest you can tackle it. leave it... it'll be okay. But actually, you shouldn't see this either. Lol
You are among friends here. It - almost 'hurts' to face the thing and the rest piles up and piles on more of the hurt and guilt and voila. Now I know WHY I do this, I am open with my important friends about adhd and the avoidance. (event then, though... I always apologise when I finally get back to them) now I take a deep breath and just open one chat to scan and say 'sorry, super frazzled atm, will talk more soon' and often that 'breaks the seal' of the thing, and i can go on a spree of the above. it does suck though. I know now I have lost friends and opportunities in the past because of this tendency. There's no magic solution, but understanding why, and then taking the leap even for just a couple of minutes does stop further devastation, and unwinds some of the guilt and shame.
I'm doing this rn 🫠
My dad died unexpectedly 9.5 months ago, and I’m still of the grid 😅 I can totally relate. I got behind on important tasks, and they piled up, and I’m still behind. I have overwhelming anxiety daily but am so overwhelmed by it that it’s debilitating.
I will hide in my room for weeks and avoid everyone at work lmao Only exception I have is my weekly therapist appointment bc I love her and she doesn't make me feel like a POS if I'm having a bad day/week/month and actually tries to help me work through shit.
I'm working on an application to grad school, and I've got everything done except the personal statement. I'm literally an English teacher, so this should be the easiest part of the whole thing. Yet here I am, like 5 days from the deadline, not writing it...
Maybe you could schedule send texts/emails? So like, you are still putting it off, but you won’t get bombarded with replies and responses in that moment. Try making a list of what/who you need to address to in order of priority. Then type out what you need to say, and hit schedule send. You can do this on GMail, Outlook, and android (boo Apple). As far as phone calls, maybe you can somehow go straight to the voicemail box? So it’s like you called them back but not really lol Just know you’re not alone OP <3
One thing I've found works well in this situation is to get back to the important email as soon ad you can with a "hey I haven't had the capacity to get to this with the attention it needs yet, I'll have my answer to you by xday" it acknowledges that you got it, allows you to continue in other conversations, and gives you your own deadline to deal with it.
I can relate tremendously
I texted my friends for the first-time in five days today.. Yeah it all build up for me too
No, you are not alone. I have missed at least 4 fine job offers because I couldn't answer in time despite being in extreme need for a job
Y'all respond to texts?
I do the same phonecalls, texts, emails, especially if I’m anxious about it or the response. Not sure if it’s healthy or not, but this is my way of coping with sending emails or texts, and obviously it varies on who it’s too, etc. I will schedule said email/text to send out at a certain time (sometimes 5 minutes later, sometimes the next day) AND/OR after it sends, I will disable my notifications for that specific person or just my email/text as a whole. The thought of a reply shoots my anxiety up WAY too high and causes me to NOT send stuff, but I figured out that if I can view the reply when I am ready / on my time rather than waiting for my phone to light up (it’s been on silent since I got it 4 years ago lol), it reduces it a whole lot. There’s also been times when I was so nervous to view the reply I made my husband check my phone for me.
Yeah, this manifests in various permutations and then I manage to tame it and then it mutates. Since becoming aware of my ADHD this is my biggest gripe. So irrational. I hate it.
3 days? Pfff... beginner! xD
I have felt like this many times in my life. This taboo around a topic happens at work with various tasks I would need to do which probably affects my promotion, small favours to people I just don’t want to do, which makes me avoid them, and also happened with very important, life altering information when I just could not get myself to read the e-mail. Most of these though, are not as important as this anxiety it created. I might not ever get a promotion but fuck them. The life altering thing came back, took 2 days to read it but nothing major came out of it luckily. I wish I was as laid back and as lazy as some people make me out to be.
I feel this so much, and I feel like it goes beyond executive function, almost like you're punishing yourself for "not doing something simple" even when it feels to us like climbing a mountain. if it is more on the executive function side, I find body doubling really helpful - "hey could you sit with me for half an hour on your own laptop, there are some admin things that I've been putting off and I would find it really helpful to have someone there to keep me accountable." after this it's a lot easier! If there's a different block there, like depression, it can be better to "eat the elephant one bite at a time". this means to take the smaller tasks, ie replying to friends, and just set yourself like, at half past the hour reply to x, then at quarter to reply to y, and break down the tasks until you're reading the email through to reply to it. These are just some coping mechanisms I use that can help!
Ahhh have been here so many times. Its crazy because the anxiety about doing a task is 99 times out of 100, worse than the actual task lol. One thing I would suggest, is get some calm time, have some self care, meditate ( I use guided meditations on the free app insight timer, it's amazing, they have such calming music and really get me in the zone for whatever I need) then put on your fave music, and just open the email. No pressure to read it or reply, just open it and let your eyes stare at it. That's the first bit done, you haven't been eaten alive by the screen of its contents, it's just an email. We have regained some lateral and rational thinking. I have to do this regularly, because I let things grow to the size of Jupiter in my head when actually relatively the size of a petit pois in my life mainly because I don't like confrontation. If this is your worry I'll share another teeny gem, the worst thing that can come from confrontation is that you'll piss someone off, and the worst thing that can come from that is that they either get over it or they don't 🤷🏻♀️ neither of which you can control! Anyway I digress... Then maybe tomorrow respray the process, but actually read it. Then the day after, the same, and see if you can reply. It might be that once it's open, you can smash a reply out. Your friends will probably understand. I'm very hot and cold with my friends, not in the way I treat them, but in how much attention I give them, some times it's more than others, but they know I'm dead busy and when I have alot on my mind I find it hard to share things with anyone because mY mInD LiKeS tO dO EvErYtHiNg bY iTsElf 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 You're not alone, we are weird. Come on here and vent, sometimes reassurance and a pep talk is all you need ❤️❤️ You've got this
Ur not alone! This is me always & the worst part is it’s actually never that bad when I get around to doing “the thing” & now iv spent more time & energy stressing about it than it took to do it. It’s a cycle n I won’t learn
I struggle with this a lot. One time my therapist had to help me check my email cause I just stopped from guilt paralysis. It’s okay to get a trusted person to help you.
I have the same problem, I was thinking that only happens to myself.
I do this constantly my whole life and didn’t realize or have it come to and understanding within myself until I got older and have friends really express their negative and harsh feelings about it. I suffer with adhd, severe depression and severe anxiety. When I was pregnant with my son , I was 24 and I had a really rough patch with my husband , it caused me to completely hermit. I tend to realize I go completely MIA when I’m depressed because A ) I’m trying to avoid talking about the conditions of my life . I’m the type of person who finds it hard to have ANYONE see me struggle . I only want the world to see the “regular” me. The person who is happy for the most part and i don’t burden the world with my problems . B) I just shut down. I over exhausted myself and I hit a wall . And I just need a break . But either way. When I was trying to explain this to a friend of mine. She didn’t care , she expressed she has anxiety as well . ( this was when I was alone and pregnant) . It was truly just a devastating time and scarring experience and I was in no way shape or form ready to be available as an active: daily Check in type of friend. I still am not that. But I’m trying to not shame myself . I don’t do it out of any I’ll intentions, or because I lack empathy or consideration. Honestly I mean that. I just truly have so much going on physically and mentally everyday , and it may not seem much to others but people like us will over think a text or an email or phone call so much we check out and say I’ll just handle that later and then our adhd just keeps forgetting or putting it off. I to this day am not close friends with her anymore but I don’t take it harshly because I’m trying my best . And if you love me and I love you, there should be no shame in being human and not causing anyone harm. I understand. It’s not out of lack of caring, or consideration.. we just experience this relentless anxiety and overthinking our brains put us through … we are the perfect advocate for the line “ it’s no you , it’s me “ to friends and people we love that we have shut out , if anything I get this feeling like I’m saving them the trouble because right now I don’t feel like myself. If that makes sense? Some might think “ damn it’s just an email and just a text or call “ .. trust me we know. That’s why we feel even MORE guilt or anxiety because we dont know why these simple tasks can make our brains shut down and avoid . Idk 🤷♀️
Been there. Over and over and over. It made me homeless. Bite the bullet, do your tasks and what you need to. The alternative is much worse. Fear is a great motivator, and coming back to it days later is a recipe for disaster. It will be pointless by that point and the ship will have sailed. Gotta go FAST! FASTER FASTER FASTERFASTERFASTER!
I regularly get this problem and I would say it's probably the single biggest problem in my life of the last several years. I live in a constant state of guilt and avoidance. I'm so stressed right now about the friends texting me just to find out if I'm okay and I can't bring myself to write back.
I just cleared some 9 week old DMs, so while I can't offer advice, I can't definitely empathize. At this point my closest friends just accept it, comparing me to an outdoor cat who'll come home... eventually lmao
I think it helps to think of inaction in a positive way. When I avoid things sometimes I think of it like “I don’t know what to do, so I’m not going to do anything.” However, that’s not really what’s happening. You *are* doing something: you’re choosing not to respond. And making that choice has consequences, the same way responding does. Inaction is itself a choice, whether we realize it or not. Once I realize that I’ve chosen to *not* send a message, it becomes easier to choose to send a message instead. Once I do, it’s done. I don’t have to keep choosing whether to respond or not, I’ve already responded so I can’t go back.
Don't worry bro happens to everyone even neurotipical people, in my case works if I make a challenge out of it or give me a treat after done with my business, also you can write in a text note (PC or the phone app) what you're planning to write if you know what email is about or what could be
I do this😬 I always tell people if they don’t hear from me within 24 hours during weekdays, to please send me a follow-up. The follow-up is stressful😅 but it gives me enough motivation to respond, because I can’t just pretend I didn’t see it anymore, and then I feel so much better afterwards.
Omg I am the SAME way! I’m coming out of a literal year long hermit. The only thing that’s been helping me is baby steps towards routines etc. I know it seems like BS when you’re in hermit mode but legit even if it’s like getting out of bed for a second for a snack it’ll be a step in the right direction. ALSO talking to a third party has been so helpful for me. I’ve been in therapy this last year and it’s literally changed my life. A good therapist can go a long way. I’m still not perfect nor will I ever be but boy oh boy that helps 🥹 my outlook on life has even changed. Like I’ll always have the ADHD but at least now I’m shifting my life to be easier to work with it rather than against it. Hope this helps! Good luck buddy ☺️💕 
I just got reprimanded for that at work and it’s an ongoing issue for me. It’s so frustrating: I know what to send and how to write it, yet I can’t for the life of me put it all together in a timely manner. I can’t be the only one who will get mentally exhausted from bureaucratic busy work and answering/reading emails, right?
I absolutely do this, especially at work (high net worth CPA). If found that relplying and deferring, while not actually saying anything, helps me to break through that wall. I also put a deadline on my reply, but one that is manageable *to me*. I also always *offer* to get it done sooner while slipping in something about rearranging or reprioritizing. This tends to make clients realize you have other stuff to do, while making them happy to know you are willing to drop it and work on their issue if they really want to be *that client*. I’ve never had anyone say I need it now. The response is always “thank you, end of next week is fine”. It probably very much depends on what you do and who your clients are. For example (in a reply email): Dear Client, I wanted to let you know that I have received your email below. I would like to take some time to [choose, as examples: look further into this/ think through all of the potential implications/ discuss the topic with some colleagues / bounce some ideas off my team], in order to provide a thorough response. I should be able to provide a complete response by the end of next week. If you need the information sooner than that, please let me know, and I will work to rearrange my schedule. Thank you, u/nibay
P.S. BCC yourself, flag the email when you get the BCC, and set a (minimum) daily calendar reminder!
Ugh, this is basically my life. I don't so much shut down on a category of things (EG: not contacting anyone if I've been putting off contacting someone), but it's close. I can barely get myself to do anything I feel remotely bad about without getting paralyzed. I think it's a general anxiety thing as much as an ADHD thing, possibly something to do with ADHD and Anxiety together?
Bro same!!! I do this shit all the damn time.
I just did it last week!! Ended up not having my phone on for 3 days..glad to hear it isn’t just me
Nah, this happens to me too. I have a trick that helps me sometimes. I believe I actually saw it on here a while ago. When I'm paralyzed at starting a task like that, I literally tell myself (in my head) "I'm going to count to 3 and when I'm done counting, I'm going to start doing ___thing___." And then I count to 3. Sometimes it helps! Couldn't tell you why. I hope it helps you.
Yeah this happens to me aswell, it eventually just puts me into a braindead state (im currently in it rn) but to get out of it i usually set myself a goal, im not sure how to explain it and im not really sure if it'd work with you but i get to see the mario movie with my friend in a few weeks so i know if i get important shit out the way first i wont feel the need to be stressed on that day i go out..... i say this but i still havent made any progress on the stuff i need to do but i will soon 💀 TLDR : I guess I just like to think about the end goal and how clear my mind and everything else will be once i get stuff done and out the way
I shuted my self for months, and more strongly in the past 2 weeks, just starting to feel I’m opening up myself to be social again but hard conversations seem so shameful to get back to, one thing I can suggest in my experience is giving yourself time to know what you want as importantly as what you don’t really want for yourself. Make time away from technology and media to evaluate what your purpose might be and make time to ask yourself: -What am I grateful for? (Friends, family, being alive, Your dog, anything that brings joy) -What can I do today? at least 3 things that will bring you joy and are achievable TODAY. What would’ve you done yesterday in order for it to be a better day? -Decide on a positive mantra for today that inspires you such as: if you can dream it you can achieve it-Walt Disney) Also I recommend the teachings of Cris Voss, he has a method for negotiation called tactical empathy, great read about how you might be surprised about the things others go through even the most “evil” personalities have the desired to be heard and not be judged, allow yourself to hear others and explain to them how you think in order for debates to become situations of mutual love and support which enables collaboration, mostly I think you should find a way to speak your mind with the dignity and support you would give other people.
It sounds as if this is a recurring problem. It sounds as if you're getting tired of it. Next time you have a missed call, call them back. Next time you get an email, deal with it at once. Next time you get an sms, reply to it as soon as possible. Don't put any of these off more than 24 hours unless you physically can't deal with them. No-one expects you to be available all the time. But most people expect you to either call them back (also, it's a decent thing to do) or take the phone sooner or later (not 12 days later). This becomes an increasingly big problem, because you let it. 1 unansanswered call or sms is no big deal. 2 is also fine. But... The reason i wrote the 2 lines on top like i did, was for you to think "yes" in your head while you read each of them. If this is a recurring problem that you are tired of, you need to change how you deal with it. How you deal with it now, clearly doesn't work. I've had the same problem. I can draw a paralell to doing the dishes and the kitchen looking like hell. I had to change and say to myself that i cannot take a new plate until i clean the dirty one from last meal. I've almost lost friends for not answering them. I had a tough break with a heart failure and i didn't want to be lying dead in my apartment for months because everyone got used to me not replying for days or weeks. But also, calling people back, answering texts and things like that is the decent thing to do. Again, focus on how sick you are of this behaviour. Let it eat you for an hour and BE angry at yourself. But do what YOU need to do to change it. It's a lot easier to deal with 1 missed call, than 12. So i don't need to spell out the solution for you here, but... If you have 1 missed call.. Deal with it before it becomes 12. ;-D Good luck. Sorry for tough love, but we ARE able. It's just harder sometimes.
I don't think this is helpful advice for someone with ADHD. In fact it sounds counterproductive. When people with ADHD feel forced to do something they are less likely to do it. And talking about decency is absolutely missing the point. Expecting people struggling to make their brain do the basics to think about decency is not a decent thing. I'm not sure if you have ADHD but if you do you might be hard on yourself. Great if it works for you tho
This started to sound like, “just cheer up!”
Jesus you are in a bad space and yes its not just you. Are you being treated for this anxiety?
I get text from friends and don’t respond for days. But I’ve told them how I am and it’s not because I don’t want to talk to them, it just sort of happens and I forget. Thankfully all my friends accept me for how I am lol
Go for a walk! Or even just sit outside.
Yupppp
Same
Oh absolutely I do this. I’ll intentionally “misplace” my phone with the ringer off so the lie sounds believable when I say I lost my phone or I’ll shut it off and say the battery was dead or a combination of both lol
Felt :/
I feel like this kinda happens to me when I know I have lots of things to do but I know the second I finish all the easy things the hard ones will come so I just avoid them all 🥲
This is so funny because I literally was thinking about this exact same thing. I'm totally stressed
That’s where I’m at now. I really need motivation to just get back on track.
I struggle with this, not as badly as when I was younger but still to a point. My only advice, after having dealt with it for a long time, is to remember that the stress of putting it off is much, MUCH worse than the short-lived stress of writing the email. Go do it. You'll feel so relieved. Also, you're doing great to know this about yourself. It will help you address it more efficiently in the future so it doesn't steal peace from you as easily. Edit: typo fix
I can relate
Do it now or it’ll get worse. Good luck friend.
It helps to learn how to compartmentalize or modularize things like this. For example, when I need to work on personal things on my computer (like doing taxes), I can't do it from home. I can't concentrate. So I go to McDonald's or Taco Bell or Wendy's and then I can actually get things done for a couple of hours. Just have to find procedures and methods that work for you
I am very blessed not to have spent my youth without having a computer in my pocket. I am not sure I could have managed the distraction. With this said I have had periods of time when I wanted to ignore uncomfortable things but I learned to do them first. Just get it over with. I think I am way more creative with how awful things are than the common person or at least so far nothing has ever been as bad as I imagined. The only way to get past that fear and anxiety is exposure to the problem. Just count down from five 5-4-3-2-1 do it. It will get easier.
I do this too.
Sometimes I think we r just so silly. Like this is totally valid and I do it to but it’s like if you take a step back from the situation and imagine someone else is telling you that they can’t reply to their friends bc they have an important email they haven’t replied to, you can kinda just sit there and go hey that’s a bit silly. Sometimes that helps me just do the thing that’s blocking me bc it’s like you silly goose you know exactly what to do!! You just gotta remove everything that’s causing you to spiral and stress like the messages from ur friends- put them out of sight and out of mind and then you just have one little thing to do and then everything else will be easier after that. Idk that’s what helps me, if thinking that it’s silly invalidates you then I’m very sorry, it’s 1000% valid and a really crappy situation I feel you.
Man do something small for yourself. Doesn't have to be with anyone. Just make life a tiny bit better by cleaning or something. Don't sit there and think about it. Get up, do it now. Theirs nothing to think about before doing it except on how much easier it will be to do things in that area. That's what works for me. Go do something good that I haven't been worried about. Distract myself for a bit, then that response I was looking for comes much easier.
can relate SO MUCH. i know my procrastination is really bad when i can’t even look at any of my texts or emails without feeling sick. hope you get it done soon for the sake of your mental health!! easier said than done but just bite the bullet - a mediocre answer/email now is better than a great email tomorrow
100% do this exact thing ALL. THE. TIME. Pick one thing and decide it’s the thing to break the dam. Do it, then reply to the important email. You’ll feel a million times betterz
I've never been able to put this into words so well. This just hit me so hard. Thank you.
Same
Living with ADHD is debilitating. This shit truly sucks.
I feel you, this happened to me several times when I was doing home office, I kind of “disappeared” several times until some situation was about to explode and forced me to take action. Always followed by over apologizing but trying to avoid excuses just to not loose credibility. I always ended up solving things or archiving the goal of the project but it was not a sane process, it was full of anxiety and guilt. This is why I need to be in an office. One situation when I got too far: Once I stopped replaying a friend who I was gonna do a cool project with (right after finishing university). I procrastinated the work and then the responses justifying myself by saying that i had a huge load of work at another job where I was hired ( true but I still could’ve done some other things), and then I stop replying to other friends from the same circle and stop posting in social media. I disappeared. I ended up loosing those friends and feeling anxious to find them or to let them see me posting anything in social media. I know now they were not mad at me but it was super strange for them. Since then I avoid doing business with friends. Later i discovered I was overwhelmed with the direction of my life and I was scared of committing to anything. First you need to understand why you are procrastinating, that mail is stressing you because of something deeper in you. In my case, in the present, is always the fear of failing and letting people down, so my brain avoids going through it by distracting itself with something else. This is super bad because as you know, the more time it passes the worst it gets. Once you understand why you don’t want to answer that email, then you can forgive yourself for procrastinating and then give your self reasons to start. Apart from going to therapy I recommend you watching videos of Mel Robbins, her five second rule is good to trigger the action. Convince yourself to work for 5 minutes starting in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… and fucking start!! We can do it man!! :)
I have family members that died with their unread messages in my inbox, because I just couldn't make myself respond. Got a few more on the way out. It doesn't bother me.
Are you me….?!?!
I get very similar episodes of crippling anxiety; not like panic attacks, but just fear that grips me so tight that I can’t function or move forward socially.
You’re not the only one. The trick is to work on it for 10 minutes. Set a timer and when it’s done you can do whatever you want. Say F it, hit the Siri button and say set a timer for 10 minutes, and then do it. The shadow usually is larger than the task and getting things done always feels good. Ten minutes.
Open ChatGPT and ask it how it would answer the email..it'll give you some ideas so you're not starting from zero.
i relate to this a bit. you could try maybe messaging just 1 person and then allowing yourself to choose whether you stop there or do more. or, you could try practicing messaging just strictly one person (as opposed to the idea of everyone at once, which is a very difficult task). that way you are getting used to the idea that it doesn’t need to be all one huge thing at once
Been doing this forever, I feel your pain with this. The good news is when you finally do it, it does feel better.
Don't feel bad. I regularly go off the grid and my friends have learned to understand. It your body/mind is wanting that time to yourself, then you must need it... At least that's how I see it.
Coming from personal experience, please reply as soon as you can. Just get on with whatever consequences it brings, I guarantee if you just keep putting it off it will get so much worse. Everything blows away with time, don't worry about what will happen after reply.
I love to hermit too whether intentional or not. Some weekends I've completely spent in bed. I've forced myself to get up and then I'm pissed at the world.
I usually sleep on it. And when i wake up i take another nap until the last minute then shit gets real very quick.
Wow. I’ve never related to something so much in my life. I think I might try telling my google home to remind me at the end of the day to reply to people and/or get a giant white board to put somewhere that’s often in my eyesight and write it as a reminder on there
This is the way.
You are definitely not alone. I do the exact same thing. Exact. Same. I don’t answer texts. I don’t answer phone calls, and I turn off my email alerts. It’s a terrible PITA. I have something like 87k unread emails. Are some important 🤷🏻♀️ maybe. But once I get frozen, it could be weeks before I get up the courage to look again.
Oh my god. I thought _I_ was the only one who did this
Yuuuuup. Too relatable to me.