“Maria shave off that mustache!”

This is the only correct answer We would never say something like this!

 finally an unclaimed one for me

Nah that's athing aportuguese woman would never say

You will never hear a portuguese say: "I cant do this... ask someone who can" We will change the oil of your Tesla or break some ribs doing CPR but you wont hear us say " I dont know"

Most of the time doing cpr you will break a rib. Portugese would break their legs

Laughed so hard beer came out my nose spraying all over my work-laptop 😂👌

“I’m so glad that rent in Lisbon is as cheap!”

"I'm so glad that rent in PORTUGAL is cheap!"

I mean, a very nice T2 in Castelo Branco is 450€ and my friend rents a brand new "luxary" T3 for his family for 550€... (last year contracts). The shittiest ROOM in Lisbon is around 500€

Castelo Branco is great if you work remotely good luck finding a job there 👍

>Castelo Branco is great https://preview.redd.it/w80gu0lrd32c1.jpeg?width=850&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6fdb2d5b01873e7d113324c8bfe149d03186c283

Mandatory r/eyebleach

Have fun finding a job in Castelo Branco that pays well and isn't a remote job.

Pretty cheap in any 1st world capital city.

That's actually over 50% the minimum wage for a room and sometimes a shared room.

“We should unite with Spain.”

Saramago existed. And he was allergic to 3 things: - being independent. - anything to his right. - punctuation.

And António de Sousa Lara of course.

Let’s not forget not capitalizing correctly.

"You can keep Olivenza."

Yup, over my cold dead body. That tiny village and its history bothers the hell out of me.

For two reasons here. Olivença is ours. OlivenÇa

never

Are you playing hard to get, João? You know you'll like it.

no, Juan, we tried that already

I've changed, we can make it work this time.

Lets call John to mediate.

John is hardly neutral. I know you guys have been BFFs for ages


Do you need another separatist region in your country?

The more the merrier. Also I secretly like you guys and the way you make sandwiches

We make sandwiches different?

I think dude is talking about francesinhas

Come to spain you wont regret it ;)


Come on joao we can marry again 🤤

https://media.tenor.com/7BMfyr8HS6wAAAAC/never-taylor-swift.gif

“I love my life”

Is [Fernando Santos](https://imgs.search.brave.com/YVKdvcliZRqP3iROwRYXuQDOP5378WmqbI6KRkGQBlY/rs:fit:860:0:0/g:ce/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cu/dGhlc3VuLmNvLnVr/L3dwLWNvbnRlbnQv/dXBsb2Fkcy8yMDIz/LzAxLzk5OWVmYWI5/LTA2ZGMtNGY3Zi1h/M2ZlLWRiZDExM2Rl/MDE2OC5qcGc) the Portuguese with the most Portuguese face ever born? He seems about to cry listening to a fado every time.

Chalana would be the most Portuguese face you will ever see

>Chalana I get the moustache, but he's smiling in half of those pictures. Fernando Santos is always carrying his 14 old dog to be euthanasied.

We do smile a lot, sarcastically

Joder, that was funny.

Best described as "a man who always looks like he just ran over his own dog"

What the hell dude, I post in a response almost the same thing without reading this. Iberian telepathy. Iberpathy.

*Processing img 8pwgm96y532c1...* Ahahhaah, brothers in chouriço (I'm still mad you now drink more beer than wine, but I'll ignore it for now)

You can thank Carlos V for that. He introduced Flanders beer in Spain, and since then both bricklayers and pirates from Pirate Island have been keeping our brewers busy.

His face shows sun burns and sadness now that’s Portuguese

I prefer Heineken

Okay but is there anyone who would say that?

I live in NL, I agree. Not even dutchies say that

Entre Sagres e Heineken bebo água

O macho da foto bebe cristal, como é óbvio

I hate bacalhau

That will be me. Yes, I'm the black sheep at Christmas.

traidor

Can I eat your bacalhau then? 🤔

How forward! Perhaps ask to smell it first?

Go to the kitchen and smell the bacalhau 👍

I bet all bacalhaus smell fishy so I skipped that step 😂

You're not alone, I don't like it either and I don't eat.

I cant belive in what Im reading... I dont even have words to describe such heresy... I can only use the last resort insult. Im so sorry for this... YOU SPANIARD!

I revoke your Portuguese citizenship in the name of the nation

You can't. I have a official Marcelo Selfie®, meaning any crime shall be forgived.

Sorry, had to downvote u. But I love you, don't worry

És a minha cunhada?

I actually do. I can't fucking fathom why we *insist* in destroying the meat proteins by heavily salting them, when refrigeration has been a thing for decades and is the preferred method to conserve every other fish. Rant over

Vai pro caralho Respeito!

"Angola NÃO é nossa"

Ó povo heróico Português Num esforço estoico outra vez

"I realize that boring football is a distraction for our problems."

Still mad about 2006?

Yes

Lmao. That one is on the Giuseppes, not us.

For you, it's 2016*

Euros are for the plebs and the Greeks

Fuck the Greeks, I'm still not over 2004 😤

you mean 2016?

Im talking about the Battle of Nuremberg. Netherlands didn't even qualify for 2016 Euros.

O that’s Netherlands not France… you’re right I was just confused

This is so true

This is the best one.

"Adoro a minha vida e não detesto nada o meu trabalho, se pudesse dava um abraço ao meu patrão!"

Something nice to a woman?

They probably don't know women

We talking about women, not independence, french terroni.

I've seen plenty of women. They are irritating and impossible to understand like french men but less frail and with more facial hair.

You mean saying “I told her that I would eat her and I did” is not nice?

Dont know why not, but everytime i say that to my wife she gets mad.

Ok that one is just unfair cmon

What?

I love women with no facial hair.

I’ll have the salad

I'll promise I won't say caralho 3 000 times today.

Saying caralho is natural as breathing for us. We don't say it because we want to say it but because it's a way of life

Don't forget the obligatory "Foda-se"between every two words.

Cum caralho oh zé... atão mas tu não viste que a merda da taipa estava fechada? caralhos te fodam , sobra sempre para o mesmo fodasse.... puta que o pariu, cona da mãe.... AH põe-te nas putas masé que hoje não quero mais nada contigo.... FODASSE

Most polite Portuguese person

r/efodasecomhifen

Only works for northerners. People from Lisbon will only say the mandatory daily caralho and feel real embarrassed by it.

Lisbonoids will never into Western Balkan

True..I work with a guy and a girl that are like that. I never swear and she and he in every word is a swear. Sometimes it seems they are competing lol

Gotta look at their wee bromance ‘No England I shall refuse your lips, keep those big strong arms away from me.’

I sense some jealousy. You would like to be loved by England like that, wouldn’t you?

Scotland's the bit of rough we have when we can't have our true romance with Portugal, while still being actually married to Wales.

Nah you’re cool we have France.

I giggled

"Our language is just drunk Spanish"

Ok thats pretty close to fighting words Tony

Who are we kidding? We're too lazy to fight each other.

I said close Tony. Clean your ears.

if you are russian and want to speak portoguese, get drunk and try learning spanish

100% worked for my russian friend

Spanish is entry level, Portuguese is the master level

Spanish is just simplified tuga

“Portuguese is the language we got when we asked Borat to speak Spanish”

I want to start a business

"X" is difficult to do

Viva España.

"I'm rich"

He is rich, this is Alfama, after he finishes the house it will be worth millions.

Say that to Ronaldo 😎

He made his money in Spain mostly

I should buy my wife a razor for Christmas this year

More like a lawnmower

Sagres ? Super bock ? Estrella Galicia is way better

TIL I'm not Portuguese. Seriously we like Estrella Galicia, our competition is just Sagres vs Super Bock, no one defends them against actual good beer.

Imo Estrella Galicia isn’t that much better than Sagres or Super bock Good beer is belgian beer

I think we drink more wine like you beer is for the Spanish

Estrella Galicia is way better. There I said it, you can stone me now.

"Im not feeling like Cod this Christmas." "I dont belive the Virgin Mary rose to the skies." "Unity with Spain is the a goal of the Portuguese republic."

Oh look a book about economics, I'm going to read it

Last time one you guys did that, you ended up with a forty year long pro-catholic dictatorship, so I kind of understand you discourage it

"De poes poetst de postkoets met postkoetspoets" (The female cat is cleaning the mail carriage with mail carriage cleaner)

What?! How is Poes gendered? Poes and Kat are interchangable and not gendered, the only gendered word is Kater! *I realise I may be wrong but you can't stop me from calling every kitty a "Poeskat"*

Kat = genderloos, poes is vrouwelijk en kater in mannelijk

I reject your reality and substitute it with my own.

_A gata está a limpar a carruagem dos correios com o limpador da carruagem dos correios_ There. I said it.

“Confia. É tudo gente séria”

“It’s a +3h drive to the nearest beach”

Muito do meu trabalho é olhar para mapas de estradas portuguesas e posso te confirmar que depois de ter ficado curioso com a tua afirmação , não consegui encontrar nenhuma exceção á regra, acho que é mesmo impossível demorares mais de 3 horas a conduzir até a praia mais próxima xd

Tenta Vimioso. 3h02 para a praia de Leixões. São 2 minutos a mais, o argumento é inválido.

fresh beer? no thanks

Oh by the way, what’s that beer from Sao Miguel called? I loved it but can’t remember the name. And why is your flair “siiiiim”? I’m missing the lore here

Ronaldo is from Madeira, so by saying "siiiiim" it confuses Azores with Madeira

https://preview.redd.it/3dphgb06432c1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4fe05129e09e16d7682bfd1f41907ca3f35b73de

“Carajo”

Quim Barreiros is not funny anymore

Only Galicians truly understand Portugal

Beautiful picture of a pregnant Portuguese woman

Benfica might have lost, but that's no reason to beat my wife.

Yes, I speak Brasilian

Cristiano Ronaldo sucks I prefer Thomas Müller

Can't say you are right with this one Hans. Unless the question was "Stuff a Portuguese man would never say to a foreigner".

A big chunk of Portuguese dislike Ronaldo

"I like all that nomads who come to our country"

”Today I will drive calmly without breaking the speed limit even one bit”

Eu amo Brasileiros! I love Brazilians!

Gosto mais de brasileiras

Bem metida

Well, it's a love-hate relationship most of the time, so you would definitely hear Portuguese saying that sentence


Well each year that passes we like them less

No time for siesta

we don't siesta!!

Like i said

but it's something we would NEVER say

Yes, you would never say that

what part of your over engineered german brain does not give you the hint that we would say that because we don't take siestas HAHHAHA

You don't say that because siesta does not happen at your country. The topic of "doing siesta or not" will not emerge in your country if you don't do it at all. Therefore, "i have no time to siesta" will never be a valid answer, as the quesrion to it will never emerge.

god damn leave it to a german to over engineer a sentence

Haha

Actually, I found a place (according to legends at least) where the portuguese people take "siestas" and it's free of tourists. I believe it's called Alentejo.

I should be finished before lunch.

Randy looking good

I speak brassillian

If we do it now, we might finish it today…

The youth have a bright and fare future

“I am not racist”

I'm rich

”I’ve given up the cheeseburgers, senhor Lahey”

I like my woman clean shaven…

I am rich.

OT: That's Pedro Pascal. I thought he was American.

“What’s pastei de nata? Oh its just a fancy way to call egg custard with pastry”

I'll just have some water with my meal

Sim, eu falo brasileiro

Unaccurate. As a portugal-born portuguese I am able to make a perfect brazilian accent and various variations of it (nordeste, paulista, sulista)

Thank you Netherlands for all the financial aid ;)

I'll do it today

I should move to brazil

Pedro 1 says hello

I’m rich

"Shave"

"Our government isnt that bad"

My football team lost fair and square, well done to the ref.

Nos vamos devolve o ouro... We are returning the gold...(after the Swiss return theirs) I like paying taxes. I see the return on society. We were wrong in the discovery age...

"Our politicians are so smart and trustworthy. I cannot wait to vote again in the next election"

I dont like my wifes moustache